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imagine-all-the-imagines · 3 years

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1. Sam Wilson x Reader - Song prompt “Sunflower - Post Malone" for softbiker’s “25 Things” Writing Challenge. Due August 1, 2020.

Warnings: Rough training session, repressed emotions.

I am sooooo sorry I'm almost a year late for this writing challenge.

You woke up to darkness and an empty bed. There was a rustling sound and you rolled to see what was happening. There in the shadows you saw the figure of a man quietly putting on their clothes.

“Sam? You’re going?” You asked quietly and he gave a jump.

“Hey, I wasn’t trying to wake you up, but Steve just sent me the info for an urgent mission.” Sam explained as he finished getting dressed.

You stuck your lip out in a pout, “But it’s late, do you have to leave right now?”

Sam gave a small nod, looking at you softly, “I know I always come and go, but it’s out of my control. You know we can’t schedule when missions come in.”

You nodded back at him, “I know, but I was having a really nice dream,” you laughed, “Just tell Steve I expect to be reimbursed for loss of cuddles.”

Sam leaned over and kissed your forehead, “I’ll be sure to tell him that. Go back to sleep, Sunflower. I’ll be home before you know it.”

You let out a soft hum and looked up at Sam, “You better be. How long are you going to be gone?”

Sam looked at his phone again for a moment, “Looks like it should be a quick one, if everything goes well, two days tops.”

You nodded at the information, “Good. I’ll see you in two days. Don’t be late.”

You pulled Sam down to kiss him again, and he gave a low groan, “Every time I’m leaving on you, you don’t make it easy.”

You gave a giggle and pushed Sam back up, “Go, don’t make Steve mad at me.”

Same gave you another quick kiss and picked up his go bag before heading out the door.

__________________________________________________________

While Sam was gone, you did your best to stay occupied. Going to the gym for training was the best option. You were able to get your frustration out and you were able to keep yourself in fighting condition.

That’s where life found you four days later, sparring with Wanda, and getting absolutely wrecked. Every move you made; she was countering. And you were taking quite the beating, red tendrils of power shooting out and blasting you back. Luckily, the walls were padded, but it still hurt.

You were already frustrated about the mission going longer than expected. Everyday that Sam was gone was a day that you worried about him. And now you were getting thrown around by Wanda, and she was taunting you about it. She knew your mind was preoccupied and she was taking advantage of it.

You finally got your opportunity to strike, and you lunged at Wanda, dagger drawn. She was able to get a shield up on time, but you kept going at her, striking again and again, letting out all that frustration. You didn’t realize how much frustration you had been holding on to until Wanda yielded, and you fell to the ground, overcome with emotions.

You felt comforting arms wrap around you and heard a soft voice, “Don’t worry Wanda, I’m keeping her in check.”

Wanda replied out of breath, “She was all bad-bad, especially after your mission got extended.”

You felt a hand brush through your hair, and you looked up into the comforting eyes of Sam. Sighing, you let your self lean into him before you looked between Wanda and Sam.

“Alright, I’m calling it quits now, Baby, I’m a wreck,” you said as you squeezed Sam’s hand.

Sam nodded at laughed lightly, “You can crash at my place, Baby you’re a wreck.”

You lightly hit his hand, “Hey! Only I’m allowed to say that!”

Sam laughed again and picked you up. Carrying you off to his room.

__________________________________________________________

You and Sam were able to spend the rest of your day together, lounging in his room.

The peace and tranquility was interrupted when your phone went off and you saw the notification from Steve.

Groaning, you opened the mission details, “Baby, I got to go. Mission time.”

Sam helped you off his bed and started getting his stuff together, “I’ll come with you, in case you need backup.”

You smiled at him, “It’s ok, Love, it doesn’t look like it’ll be too hard. And you just got back from a mission, you need to rest up. Plus, Bucky is coming with me. I’ll be ok.”

Sam grimaced when you mentioned Bucky, they still had a bit of a tense relationship. He watched you while you gathered up your go bag and extra supplies. “Be safe, don’t let Bucky use his old man ruse to get you on his side.”

You laughed, “Babe, that won’t happen, you know I only have eyes for you.”

You leaned down to give Sam a kiss before turning to head out the door.

“Wait! You forgot something!” Sam yelled after you.

You paused and turned around, “Every time I’m walking out, I can hear you telling me to turn around. What did I forget this time?”

Sam gave you a coy smile, “You forgot to give me a kiss, the most important thing!”

You rolled your eyes and went over to Sam, leaning over and giving him a deep kiss, “Make sure you miss me.”

Sam grabbed your wrist lightly, “Already do. Now go kick some ass.”

You gave him a nod and hefted the bag back over your shoulder. As you walked out the door, you felt the nerves creep up in you. Missions always got the better of you at first, but as soon as you got on the jet, the nerves melted away, but something about this one was keeping you on your toes.

__________________________________________________________

You had been in the field for 10 days at this point. The good news was that you had a roof over your head, the bad news was that you were supposed to be home a week ago.

Today, you were chasing a Hydra agent through the dense forests of some European country. You were pushing yourself to the limits trying to catch up to this agent. You were so focused on the person ahead of you that you didn’t notice the tree root sticking out of the ground, but your foot made sure to find it.

You felt yourself tumble to the ground and roll forward a few feet. A strong hand grabbed your arms and yanked you back to your feet without missing a beat.

You looked up to see the harsh eyes of Bucky Barnes glaring at you. As if he couldn’t believe you let yourself trip. It lasted a few seconds then he was off again, following the Hydra Agent. You immediately followed and after chasing for a while, you were able to apprehend the agent and collect all the information that they had on them.

__________________________________________________________

You were back in the hotel, resting before packing everything up and heading home, when you heard Bucky enter the rooms with a huff. He was grumbling to himself as he packed, and you were not in the mood to deal with that at all.

“What the hell is your problem Winter Boy?” You asked, looking at him from your spot on the bed.

“Just can’t believe you fucking tripped in the field. Aren’t you supposed to be the graceful one out of the group?” He spit out at you, venom lacing his words.

“Well, actually, I think Nat is the graceful one.” You joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“Whatever Y/N, you’re just lucky I was there. You know, you’ll be left in the dust if you keep that up. You’re just lucky that I stuck by ya.” Bucky said, throwing his clothes into his bag.

You rolled your eyes, not letting yourself get sucked into this argument, “We got the job done, that’s what matters. I’ll train more when I get home.”

Bucky gave you a grunt of approval and finished his packing. When you were both packed, you called for the jet and met them at the pickup sight.

As soon as you were on board, you pulled out your sat phone and dialed Sam’s number. He picked up on the second ring.

“Babe? You ok?” He asked.

“I’m fine, just gone longer than I wanted to be, and the Century Man is getting on my nerves.” You explained, trying to ease his concern.

Sam gave a light laugh, “Wish I could be there for you Babe. But you can do it, you’re the Sunflower, if anyone can make it through, it’s you.”

You smiled, “Thank you, that’s all the hope I needed to get through, sometimes I think your love would be too much, and then you do things like this, and I know that could never be a thing.”

Bucky rolls his eyes across from you and holds out his hand, “If you’re done being gross, I’d like to talk to him, update him on what’s happening, you know, proper procedure.”

You stuck your tongue out at him quickly, “Babe, Bucky wants to talk to you. But don’t worry, I’ll see you soon.”

You handed the phone to Bucky and he gives the mission report before informing Sam of the ETA to the compound. You reach your hand out to get the phone back so you can say your goodbyes to Sam. Bucky looks at you and hits the end button on the phone before handing it back to you.

You glared at Bucky before taking the phone. The brief thought of hitting him crossed your mind, but you thought better, knowing that he would never let you live it down if you did.

__________________________________________________________

When you got back to the compound, you immediately went to debriefing and then straight to Sam’s room, flinging yourself onto the bed and curling into him. You both fell asleep quickly in each other’s arms.

This is where Nat found you when she came to invite you down for a family dinner. As she poked her head in, she couldn’t help but smile as she took in the sight.

Nat went back down to dinner and informed the group that you would not be joining and that if anyone went to interrupt the two of you. She personally would the one to, as she said, “Fuck you up.”

Needless to say, no one bothered you two for the rest of the night.

#softbiker #writing challenge #sam wilson #sam wilson x reader #sam wilson imagine #sam wilson imagines #avengers imagines #avengers imagine

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inactive-dangan-fandom-calendar · 4 years

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Mod News!

hello!! I have a few little things I wanted to mention to y’all and I figured it be best to do them in a post like this!

Note: this post is actually not that little and is kind of long, so I'm gonna list what I cover at the top and put the rest behind a read more so I don’t clog up your dash!

1: Header Poll News 2: A question I Have 3: About August and Masterpost 4: Thank you!!

1: Header Poll News!!!

Our current rankings are Kokichi and Nagito in the lead with 6 votes, then Chiaki and Kaito at 5 votes! I only plan on putting 5 characters in the header (though I may change that depending on the chosen theme) and its a pretty close race for the next character to hit 5 votes and reach top 5. Currently it’s a 5 way tie. (you can vote here btw if u haven't already!)

It’s a pretty close race in theme right now:

So I may hold a second theme poll with more limited options! (also thank you to the person who voted space, thats an excellent idea and I *will* save it for a future header)

also some personal notes: - to the person who asked if Kaede was in the listing: she’s not as she was in the July header and so not allowed in August header (to give other characters a chance to shine instead of the same 5 every month!)

- to the person who voted Hajime before I forgot to take him out of the list: I’m really sorry!!!

- to a couple people who voted for more than 5 characters: If that was a mistake, no problem I get it! don’t worry about it! If that was on purpose: please don’t do that, I'd like to polls to be fair for everyone. thank you!

Big thank you to everyone who has participated in the poll so far and who will in the future!

2: A question I have!

As y’all may have noticed, I try to promote Danganronpa Events from all sorts of platforms, including twitter, reddit, etc.

So, I was wondering: Should I make a Danganronpa Fandom Calendar Account on another platform (mainly thinking twitter right now or maybe a discord? not sure) I know asking this on Tumblr means a lot of the people on those other places won’t actually know about it, but I know there’s a lot of us on several platforms. I’ll reblog this post with a link to a straw poll so that you can vote!

3: About August and the Masterpost!

Currently, the only Mod here (me!) is a bit busy with some IRL stuff. It’s the same sort of stuff that caused me to be late on my Monthly Masterpost last month. So I wanted to reassure you guys that the August Masterpost is ready!! I haven’t posted it yet incase I hear of another events in the next few days, but it is scheduled and queued for August 1st! I still need to queue up the birthday’s (Fun Fact: I queue up the birthday posts at the beginning of each month because I’m actually really bad with dates) for August but I’m hoping to do that soon!

4: Just Wanna Say Thanks!

I really want to thank you all for all your support!! This calendar couldn’t exist without everyone who helps keep it running! Thank you to the people who send me events I would’ve missed otherwise! Thank you to anyone who has ever reblogged any of our posts (I read every comment on the birthday posts you guys leave and they’re always really fun) and spread the word of this calendars existence, Thank you to the people who fill out the polls and answer questions, Thank you to all of you who’ve let me know that you enjoy this blog, Thank you for reading this message, Just a big thank you all around! (And yeah, I know I say thank you a lot, but I really am grateful I’m able to run a community calendar and I want to make sure you all know that you’ve helped keep it alive just by being here)

Alright!!! Really long post over! I’ll see you in the reblog with the Strawpoll. Have a wonderful day/night/etc!!

#just mod talking #For those who only want the reblogs and master posts of actual events etc #feel free to block the mod talking tag

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acoldstrawberrylemonade · 4 years

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Love Rashad (2020)

To quote Love Simon “Everyone deserves a great love story”. Did I just have mine?

For those who have seen the film Before Sunrise it is about these two people who meet up in Vienna and spend a whole day together and fall in love. Its a phenomenal film and highly recommend it.

I recently met a girl and spent two days together (kind of).

But how did this happen? Lets rewind the clock all the way back to March. Right after Covid was getting very serious and things were shutting down.

I made friend with a woman at Hertz named Ericka and we have been working next to each other for about a year and have bonded over food, places to see and we are kindred spirits. One day in March she said “Oh my God, you'd love my daughter Keiara. You guys have so much in common. You both love film and stuff. I’m gonna set you guys up”

A week later, I was put on leave due to Covid and was gone till about July. I didn’t think anything about it the entire time. a fleeting thought if you will.

When I returned in July I had completely forgot about it. But then August came around. And the thought of her daughter just came back to me randomly and I asked Ericka “Did your daughter ever come back or something?” in which she said. “She's actually driving here as we speak from Virginia” I’ll give her your number when she gets here. So I wrote my number on a post it and I left work.

I told my friend Julian that I wasn’t really expecting much because things with women does not normally go well for me cause I have been told I have

“No edge”

I’m “Too nice” or my personal favorite

“I just don’t get it”

So when it came to this I didn’t really put much hope into it. But a week passed and my phone was dry. No message, just dry, crackled and chapped. I was SICK.

But alas, the next weekend came and Ericka didn’t show up to work. So I just didn’t care.

Monday: Chapter 1: Contact

*ring ring* a message came in from a number I did not recognize.

It was her..

We began texting. We talked, movies and games and we set up a pizza date...

Tuesday: Chapter 2 Lit Pizza date

We went to Lit Pizza and the date was cool, we ate and talked but she is a woman of few words but she is super opened minded and wiling to just go with the flow.

But I didn’t really wanna go on another date. It was nice, she was nice. Thats whats so crazy. Nothing was bad about the date, it didn’t exactly rock my world. I realize when my energy isn’t matched It feels like I’m not connecting.

So I left.

I called my friend Julian and filled him in on everything and told him I didn’t really wanna go out again. But he gave me the advice that I shouldn’t be so serious and just have fun. She's leaving anyway.

Then 2 hurricanes headed to Louisiana and we had really bad weather. So we couldn’t hang out again until Friday. The weather was better and I messaged her that we should have a picnic and maybe do a podcast and she was down with it.

Friday: Chapter 3: Picky eating and Second Dates

I was tragically behind schedule because people are usually never punctual with me and she is so I had to rush and get ready but it was okay. I got dressed and called on Norma to give me a pep on how I shouldn't self sabotage this because I was definitely sprinting to that hill to back flip into an OCEAN of self sabotage. Its one of my favorite pass times✨

I met her at Walmart and got some snacks to eat in the park. We basically recorded our entire date and we talked about her military time and how different Louisiana is. She also said she's a picky eater, so I told her she needs to try pad thai because its AMAZING. Afterward we left because the park was closing and we didn’t wanna be locked in. I looked at the clock in my car and it was about 11:11 and I made a wish to go home because I was tired and had work. I dropped her off at her car and she said “Can I get a hug?” which I rolled my eyes at (internally of course).

This part makes me cringe because I M SO SHYY

We hugged and I said” this sucks you're going. I wish we had one more day.”

“Me too”

“Maybe we can tomorrow?”

“Yeah for sure. When I get off work?”

“I have to leave by 8 tomorrow.”

“No worries thats fine”

We agreed and hugged one more time and looked at each other. and I asked

“Can I kiss you?”

She said “F**k no*”

I’m kidding

she said yes and we kissed. It was so nice.

Saturday: Chapter 3: The Sunset Must Come

I gave Keiara the address of where to meet at 6:00 and she didn’t respond. So I assumed it was canceled. I was upset but as soon as the clock struck 6:01, she texted and said she arrived.

How Prompt.

Weirdly enough Norma was going on a picnic today too with Ashley and she told me to take a pic. It was a beautiful sunset. Golden hour with some good food. It was amazing.

I got the Pad Thai and brought it. She said it was sooo good like..baby I know. After we ate we made out for like an hour or so.

Afterwards we held hands and just laid down listening to some King Princess.

A vibe.

It was 7:59 and i said. “Can we just have 10 more minutes. I don’t want you to go yet”

So we just laid and talked more.

8:15 came across the clock and there was an air of sadness because it was over and we had to part finally ways.

We got out the car. I had my arms around her wait. Hers around my shoulders.

She said “We can still talk and stuff right? Maybe you'll be here when I get out the military in February.”

“For sure. I’ll see you when you I see”

A smile was exchanged and we had one final kiss and that was that.

Epilogue: And then it was gone...

That night my phone went crazy and It wouldn’t turn on unless I did a factory reset. So there went the one photo I had of our picnic.This is all Normas fault.

Although there are no photos, the memories live in my head and on my skin.

Thats where it really matters in the end right?

If you made it to the end then...

Thanks for reading

Song:

//Sunburn// King Princess

//Lose My Way// One Brun & Dustin O’Halloran

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theonceoverthinker · 6 years

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OUAT 1X22 - A Land Without Magic

We are finally here!!!!! I can’t believe I’ve written 90 pages for this Season AND managed to stay on schedule AND get a couple of notes, too! Btw, for my loyal readers, I’m going to do a brief overview of Season 1 in an upcoming post before I get started on Season 2, and I hope you’ll all read!

Okay! No more disclaimers! If I may paraphrase Darkwings Duck’s catchphrase, “Let’s get magical!”

General Thoughts Past I feel bad, but I didn’t have a lot to say about the past events that I didn’t discuss in either my “Both,” “Insights,” “Arcs,” or “Flip My Ship” section. This is a really good segment, but there’s not much of a story to discuss. Charming’s mission to get Snow is a good show of his character and he fights his obstacles valiantly, but there’s not much of a story going on apart from that. Charming doesn’t have to learn anything and mostly serves to be a contrast to Emma in the present, and again, that’s really cool, but again, I discuss that in just a bit where it’s more appropriate, and the same can be said for the excellent dialogue between him and Rumple. So yeah, go read those! Present As I type, I’m trying to decide whether or not I like the moment where Emma believes. On one hand, it almost feels like a leap. However, I think I do. Emma takes Henry’s last words to heart and because he believes in her and she knows what she saw, she believes in him, and that makes her believe too. I think it’s adequate and I’m willing to accept it as shorthand.

I do have one problem with this present segment and it’s Jefferson. I really tried to keep him off to the Insights section where stuff that doesn’t affect my scoring of the episode (It’s not going to have a big impact, but I do have a lot to say), but given the amount of screentime he gets and what he interrupts, I found it unavoidable. Fuck, I forgot that Jefferson appears in the hospital scene, and it’s such a shitty moment. Now, as I said earlier, Regina deserves consequences for her actions, but having her time with Henry as he lays unconscious in a hospital bed is not what should happen. Those consequences should be (And thankfully are) given by Henry, Emma, and the Charmings come Season 2. And why would he expect Regina to pay him back now? I wouldn’t have this problem, but Jefferson was characterized as someone who was intelligent in “Hat Trick” (Mad, but intelligent all the same), and given how he knows Regina and her current frame of mind, why would he expect her to say anything but “fuck off” at this moment? And that projection of not having it in you to kill someone - where does that come from? It’s not like we’ve ever seen Jefferson explicitly say that he’s a pacifist, so why is there so much emphasis on it? Finally, how does Jefferson know what to do with Belle? It would’ve been one thing if we saw them interact or saw Jefferson reference that he knew where she was, but as it stands, it’s weird because there’s no way in hell that Regina would’ve told anyone except MAYBE the Magic Mirror that Belle was even down there. I’m glad Belle gets to appear and the payoff to this ridiculous setup does work, but that doesn’t change the fact that the setup still sucks. I was positively gutted by those quiet moments that passed as Emma and Regina heard about Henry’s passing. The way that everything slowed down and the strings played so mournfully just speaks to the love Emma’s grown for Henry over the course of their time together and the grief she feels in that moment is just so sad. It left me speechless. Additionally, when it came to the goodbye kiss, Jennifer Morrison deserves all of the awards for her performance. You see that perfectly imperfect quivering in her chin and the rapid running of her tears. Finally, I want to give Lana and the writers major props for showing Regina’s grief over both losing Henry (almost) in terms of his death AND her emotionally losing him as a result of the curse breaking. Lana’s breakdown as she tearfully cradles Henry’s pillow (One, or rather I can argue that she kisses it, her own version of the Swan Believer kiss) doesn’t erase her villainy (Note how she smiles at the cloud of magic), but still instills Regina’s love for Henry too.

Both Let’s talk about those kickass Maleficent fights. We get a cool contrast between Emma and David as they fight to get the egg out of and into Mal, respectively. David fights like a classic hero, but more than that, he’s able to pick up strategies and form ideas, showing how seasoned of a fighter he’s become. However, Emma, having never faced such a creature before, uses more basic tactics (Averting the dragon by running and shooting it with a gun). And even her last throw is spontaneous and brutal, making her fight so unique, but also allowing for her to accept this fairytale world in her own way.

Also, all the props in the world to Isham for his composing, So much of the tone of the story here was reinforced with his music and whether it gutted me or gave me goosebumps, I was blown away. There were great choices to deliver the optimal feelings from the swells to the choice of what instruments should take over and when. Insights -Ok! I actually like Graham in this scene! His actions make sense and he was pretty intelligent! My one nitpick is that giving up his heart (His words, not mine) is a bit of a stretch. -I know that I’m watching a fight between Rumple and Charming, but all I’m getting are proto Golden Hook feels. Hey, someone had to inspire him to learn how to use a sword! XD -Not gonna lie, that “it’s her son” line does not fit you well, Rumple. Look, I get it. Regina royally screwed up with Henry and I think by now, you all know that I love Emma. But I love Regina too, and while there should definitely be consequences in regards to what she did as far as Henry goes, it shouldn’t erase her role as a parent. -Also, I like the allusion to Belle during Rumple and Charming’s scene in the flashback. We both get to see how Rumple’s perception of Belle and their love (And love in general - compare “a flicker of light in the darkness” with “love has killed more than any disease”) has changed since “Skin Deep” and we get to allude to her return. -I like how Emma doesn’t just kiss Henry here. She seems to mull it over and to me, that seems like if she kisses him, it’s saying goodbye, and since there’s still a chance, she’s not going to say goodbye just yet. -The conversation about breaking the curse between August and Emma was really good because it served more as a general pep talk. -Regina, just tell her, “she’s a dragon!” It’s not hard and it’s probably better that Emma knows ahead of time! -Maleficent, that candle trick was just so freakin’ cool! -Nice foreshadowing, Mary Margaret! -Also, I may have complaints about Jefferson’s appearance in this episode, but I have no complaints with his...appearance. He could be my nurse any day the way he wears those cute scrubs. -If there was ever an episode that positively sold me on the idea that Rumple was always supposed to be caught between being good and evil, it was here. Whether Rumple knew or not that the curse was about to be broken (And given his reaction to the return of Belle’s memory, one can reasonably argue that he didn’t), that act of stealing Henry’s last chance from Emma and Regina was just plain evil! -Props to everyone’s acting. All of the little snippets of people remembering and reflecting that in all of 1-2 seconds of screen time is just fantastic! -The way Rumple looks like he’s going to sprinkle the magic from the bottle only to just drop the whole thing in is funny as hell! Arcs Emma’s journey of belief - What I like about Emma’s journey is that this journey never quite ends, but there are clear milestones that she reaches. In Season 1, it’s an ability to believe two things (1) in magic (2) in Henry. And it was done so well. While I got a little lazy bringing this point up in my Arcs sections in the latter half, there were few episodes that didn’t affect this arc. And I think what made the arc better was that we got to see Emma have moments of failure where she herself lost belief. When moments like that happen, it makes an arc all the more dynamic. Anyway, back to the episode at hand! Emma’s reactions to the curse being real - though they’re smaller in order for the episode to keep its actiony pacing - are all distinct and just great! Snow and Charming and MM and David finding each other - This episode does something so lovely. All season, I’ve been talking about how Snow and Charming and Mary Margaret and David are physically apart/together and emotionally together/apart in comparison to their counterpart, and this time, the story brings both sets of them physically together, both through the story of the past and present. While Snow and Charming coming together was a foregone conclusion, MM and David weren’t as easy to peg down. So, just as Snow and Charming are coming together, David and MM are on the cusp of being torn apart physically after having already been torn apart emotionally. Favorite Dynamic Emma and Regina - They are just explosive here and it is amazing! That first scene together is just brutal with the shoving and screaming and voice breaking, and it comes from this place of gut punching sadness. You see the struggle that these two women have had with each other and while they’ve put it aside at moments, it’s never been after something like that. Remember how a few episodes back, I talked about Rumple and Gold working together, but all the while being snippy towards each other? Well now, we have that but with an added venom twenty-two episodes in the making. There’s this balance of trust, but a lack of trust at the same time, and it gives way to mistakes and weaknesses for both of them. And despite their differences, they still grieve for Henry in the same way and respect how each other does it (With a stunning contrast to the Swan Believer kiss for Regina in Henry’s bedroom), giving us both a sense of where the story might go for Regina as well as reminding the audience that she’s his mother too. Writer I don’t know how people can say A&E are bad writers when episodes like this exist. A&E are overambitious, but when it comes to telling a singular story, they’re quite competent, for the most part! This episode’s writing really builds the sense of urgency that it needs to tell its story. Furthermore, apart from Jefferson, every character was given an amazing moment to capitalize on just what makes them so great, whether it be Charming fighting a dragon, Emma’s kiss on Henry’s head, Mary Margaret’s post-engagement promise, Regina’s scene in Henry’s bedroom and subsequent smile when magic returns, Rumple holding Belle and then bringing magic back, or August’s final speech to Emma. Rating 10/10. You see? Jefferson didn’t hurt my score too much at all! What a wonderful episode! We were provided amazing closure to the season and all major arcs, got to see every major character have a shining moment, and every emotional note hit just where it needed to. I’m so happy and satisfied with what we got and I had so much fun watching everything coming together! Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness” Dragon Queen - “I knew you couldn’t resist bringing her over.” I didn’t realize before now that Rumple was also a Dragon Queen shipper! Congratulations, Rumple! Welcome to the team! All the same, it’s cute to have your basement dragon wife! Rumbelle - Rumple’s also a Rumbelle fan! “You’re real.” I wonder how many hours did Rumple pretend that Belle was there while in his castle or shop or home. It’s clearly been some. I already discussed how in the past, Rumple’s dialogue to Charming reflects how his perception of Belle has drastically changed, so I’m going to fangirl about the present here. Hearing Rumple’s voice crack as he assures Belle that he’ll protect her is so adorably heartwarming and tearjerking. Look, for as much as I love Rumple, I’m no Rumple woobie, but damnit, I can see how people do because his moments of vulnerability are beautiful. All the applause in the world to Rebert Carlyle. Snowing - Rumple’s also a Snowing fan! Look at him getting his OTP ready for their big moment! And what a moment it was! I found the recut awakening to be just as powerful as the original because of all the the character that Snow and Charming now have! Also, their proposal was just beautiful, as was their resolution afterwards. They were delightfully simple and yet majestic as the music swelled around them! Additionally, when the curse broke, there was this wonderful moment where they were just holding each other and trying to figure out what to say before Snow speaks. It’s only 2-3 seconds long, but it just says so much!

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Thank you so much for reading, whether you’ve been with me since episode 1 or just came here for my grand finale! Writing these reviews takes a ton of time and your likes and comments are always appreciated. I’m going to be doing an overview of Season 1 before I start production on Season 2. This will be a moment for me to reflect on how my perception of aspects of the Season changed over this rewatch, who was the best writer of the season, my top five favorite dynamics, and why I think Season 1 was both as successful and as beloved as it was!

Special thanks to the fine folks at @watchingfairytales again. This is some of the most writing I’ve ever done on this website and it’s all thanks to you! Additionally, getting an expanded platform has been really nice. As a small page, it’s very much appreciated.

Writer Tally for Season 1: A&E (60/70)* Liz Tigelaar (17/20)* David Goodman (41/50)* Jane Espenson (54/60)* Andrew Chambliss and Ian Goldberg (38/40)* Daniel Thomsen (8/10)* Vladimir Kvetko (9/10)* (* = Their work for the season is complete)

Operation Rewatch Archives

#ouat #once upon a time #watching fairytales #emma swan #regina mills #ouat 1x22 #ouat rewatch #jenna watches ouat #basically every character in this episode is discussed #ships mentioned #dragon queen #rumbelle #snowing

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nashvilletonihon · 6 years

Text

How Can A Week Feel Like A Month???

It’s Monday morning here and it’s already hot outside. A stifling, oppressive, humid heat. The kind of heat that saps every last ounce of strength from your body and makes you physically exhausted. I stayed indoors yesterday, barely running my AC because I have no idea how much my electric bill will cost. My only reprieve is the fan circulating hot air around my apartment. In actuality, it’s really not so bad. I’ve dealt with no AC before and while it sucks, it’s not the end of the world. There’s only another month or two of summer and after that I’m sure I’ll be begging for warmer weather again.

I have officially been in Japan for a week. One. Week. 7 days. That’s it. I feel like I’ve been here for a lifetime already. How have the days gone by so quickly and yet dragged on as if they would never end? This week has been rough. I left Tokyo Orientation on Wednesday and traveled to Kyoto City for, you guessed it, more orientation. Saying goodbye to the friends I had made in Tokyo was incredibly hard but I honestly didn’t have much time to think about it because a 2 1/2 新幹線 shinkansen (bullet train) ride later I was standing in my hotel room in Kyoto City wondering how I even got there in the first place. Thankfully the evening orientation meeting was only an hour long. Once we had changed back into our civilian clothing (I never want to wear another article of business attire ever again) we headed to an 居酒屋 izakaya (Japanese tavern) for dinner. There are 12 new Prefectural AET’s in total. 6 came in Group A and have already been teaching for a few weeks. The 6 of us in Group B arrived this past week and are still trying to wrap our heads around everything.

Here we all are with 2 current JETs (Jacob & Jonah who are across from me), our Prefectural Advisor Leah and Karino先生, who works with Leah at the Kyoto Board of Education making sure we have all of the information we need to succeed in our new roles as Assistant English Teachers.

Dinner was wonderful. The food was fantastic and the drinks were flowing. Four 梅酒 umeshu (Japanese plum wine) drinks later and I was actually feeling pretty good about things. For just a moment, I forgot about my stress and anxiety and focused on genuinely enjoying myself. It was...nice. So nice I even considered going out for karaoke afterward but the looming knowledge that I had to give my speech to the Board of Education AND meet my new supervisor/co-workers the next day quickly put an end to that. (Don’t worry, it all went well.)

The next few days sped by faster than the scenery outside of a 新幹線 window. I met 水口先生 (Mizuguchi-sensei), my supervisor who is so incredibly warm and kind hearted. She was there to receive me at my apartment when I rolled up after being in a car for 3 hours, sweaty, smelly, with my make-up melting off and completely exhausted. She showed me around my apartment, helped me to put some things away (they were all in the living room per the cleaning crew), took me to the store to buy some food and personal items and let me follow her around like the lost puppy that I am while I stupidly asked her “What does this mean?”, “Do you like this?”, “What do you use?” She even went back to her house to gather some towels for me to shower with since I didn’t have any.

AND THIS WAS ALL JUST THURSDAY NIGHT.

Friday was even worse. 水口先生 picked me precisely at 9 AM to begin a day full of important errands. The first stop was Kyotango City Hall where I had to change my address.

I should mention that I currently do not have my residency card. Due to a glitch in the matrix there are about 2,000 of us JETs who do not have this incredibly important piece of paper that is vital to setting up a new life in a foreign country. So, you know, there’s that.

Holding our collective breath, 水口先生 and I walked into City Hall hoping against hope that they take the stupid little stamp marked “Residency Card will be issued at a later date.” in my passport as the real thing. With 水口先生 explaining in Japanese and me standing there, passport clutched in my hands and a pleading look on my face, I heard some of the few words in Japanese that I actually know... “大丈夫です.” Daijōbudesu. (It’s ok.) I had to stop myself from sinking to the floor in gratitude. It’s ok. It’s ok.

45 minutes later and I now had a Residency Certificate from City Hall. (Not the be confused with my Residency Card which I still don’t have and still desperately need.) Feeling elated and unstoppable, we headed to the Kyoto Bank to set up an account. An 1 1/2 later, boom, bank account open and bank book in my hand with my card scheduled to arrive in 2 weeks. We even set up automatic withdrawal so I don’t have to worry about taking care of rent and car payments separately.

After the bank, we stopped for lunch. I think 水口先生 could tell that I was struggling. I had spent the entire morning intently listening to every conversation she had with others to try and pick up on any kind of Japanese I knew. (Spoiler alert, it was ZERO.) She pulled into a quaint little parking lot next to a restaurant called Ma Maison. Upon walking into the establishment I almost started bawling like a baby. It was decorated just like my Grandma Keether’s kitchen. Old school farm equipment, plates, mason jars and herbs hung from the walls and ceiling. Vinyl tablecloths and old wooden chairs decorated the seating area. For a moment, it felt like I was home.

After lunch, we jetted over to Komori Auto Shop where I picked out a car. (Don’t get too excited guys, just wait until you see a picture of this thing.) 2 hours of discussing insurance, filling out paperwork and setting a date to pick the car up (August 22nd at 8:30 AM) and that was that. I will soon be able to drive in Tango like a regular citizen. Lord help me. And them.

The entire day was going so well. We were on a role. Unfortunately it came to a screeching halt at Y! Mobile, the phone company store where I was hoping to purchase a Japanese SIM card and internet. As of right now I only have internet in my apartment. (THANK GOD FOR THAT.) However, once I step foot outside, I’m on my own. I have no way of looking up directions, getting in contact with people or vice versa. It’s awful. I’ve only been walking around the area that I know, too scared of getting lost to venture any farther. Of all the places I didn’t think my passport stamp wouldn’t work, the cell phone store was not one of them. Who knew they would be so strict when it came to purchasing a phone plan? So now I have to just sit here and wait until my RC comes in the mail. Whenever that is.

Throughout this entire process so far, I’ve been trying to focus on the positives. They are few and far between but I know that it’s only because everything is so new and overwhelming. I’ve started making a list to keep track because if I don’t, the negatives will weasel their way to the forefront. Here are a few of the positives I’ve experienced in the past week:

I remembered the word for vegetables when ordering lunch in the Tokyo train station. (It’s 野菜, yasai, in case you were wondering.)

I have been complemented on how natural my Japanese sounds. (Although I’m pretty sure they’re just being nice.)

I used the self checkout at the grocery store and didn’t mess up or require assistance.

I’ve made a once cluttered and jumbled apartment into my temporary home. (It’s quite nice actually.)

I haven’t cried in 4 days.

That last one may seem unimportant, or trivial even, but it’s huge. Especially since I’m on the verge literally every minute of every day. An accurate representation of me would be something along the lines of this...

It’s a process. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I know that once I get busy with school, (which will be next week after お盆祭り, Bon Festival. https://www.jrailpass.com/blog/obon-festival-2018-in-japan) the time will fly by and I’ll be getting ready to leave for the States again before I know it. I’ve got a mantra I keep repeating: “Take everything in stride. Feel your feels.” I won’t downplay my homesickness or my loneliness. To do that would be to deny myself the very real fact that they are there. Instead, I will make peace with it and remind myself that this isn’t forever. A year will fly by and the memories I make here are going to be worth it. The stories I share with my friends, family and boyfriend back home are mine alone to tell. I can’t let them down. I won’t let them down.

That being said, I think this post has gone on long enough. I’ll close it out with some photos I’ve taken over the past week. Check out the captions below the pictures for explanations.

A traditional Japanese breakfast at our Kyoto City hotel.

Myself, Kelly Bell and Lizzie (UK) at the Tokyo Train Station. (It’s the largest and busiest station in the Japan.)

My all time favorite snack in Japan. おにぎり. Onigiri. (Rice ball.) These delicious little guys can be eaten by themselves, or be filled with any kind of savory treat. My two are ボニと bonito (dried fish skin) and 鰻 unagi (eel).

When people ask me why I won’t be eating fruit in Japan. (These grapes are $8.00!!!)

Thanks for sticking with me through this crazy long post. Hopefully it wasn’t as much of a downer as the last one was. Again, there will be more posts and more positives. Until then...

じゃあまた (See you!)

- レイチェル (Rachel)

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momentskrp-archive · 6 years

Photo

introducing…

li zuoren, the love motel attendant who moved into the sweetheart sharehouse one year ago. we hear he’s staying in 1L, and that he is an aspiring photographer. good luck with that.

PAST.

topic: i’ve decided to stop doing the one thing i do almost everyday

67 posts in this topic posted 20 march 2017

top contributor offthewall

my life isn’t incredibly eventful, but also at the same time i would rather be bored than have something devastating happen. monday through thursday is essentially the same schedule. i wake up at 9am, and it takes me about 45 minutes to get ready for the sake of not being a morning person. i get dressed, eat, shower, do my hair, and if i’m lucky enough i’ll visit the lawson downstairs from my apartment to grab melon bread for breakfast

then, i’d either take the train or drive, depends on the circumstances if my car is in the repair shop or not. but usually, that’s how most mornings are for me as a student

then i’d spend on average ten hours a day at school going to class, being out of class, catching up with homework, attending various clubs all the while seeing my friends

i was studying business administration. it’s a popular major that sometimes i’d (lmao) feel ashamed to tell others what was i studying because it’s so common

but that was how i was living like for almost two years and i hated it

i filled out withdrawal forms in my school’s registrar office not too long ago and walked out with a tremendous weight being lifted off my shoulders it was almost like i was 10kg lighter and at that point to me it felt like nothing really mattered. it was the most strangest feeling, that i’ve never felt before and to be quite frank it was scary but so wonderful in the sense that i was able to reach that amount of freedom but on the drive back home i began to wonder to myself

so what now? what will i do? what’s the game plan

top contributor offthewall

edit: kinda was typing really fast and everything was pourin out my head i forgot to mention that i’m no longer in japan either i’ve been in korea for the past couple months. i mainly flew out cause of school but also cause i had to see my cousins get married and that really put me in a slump

not so much about love i mean my bank account but now i’m stuck

administrator _yomiuri02

there’s bravery in not following traditional or conventional ways of getting an education, so i applaud you. i get the feeling that you were never into business, and perhaps you have another interest? have you thought about changing your major before dropping out? or was university not your primary interest?

newbie misosoupsan

my question is how did your folks take it

contributor risaa.aa285

that’s crazy brave.. i don’t think i could’ve done that. lol and coming from me myself, i didn’t hate nor love the time of being a university student. your japanese is very unspecific at times, are you from tokyo (kanto region)? what school did you attend?

top contributor offthewall

@_yomiuri02: yeah no i actually really wasn’t into going back to school but i’m not gonna lie it did sound exciting especially since i was going to be surrounded by my friends. i simply went with business because i figured it’s the easiest way with getting a job, even though i was setting myself up for salaryman hell lmao. university was definitely not in my greatest interests either so i really kind of took it upon myself

@misosoupsan: my parents aren’t too crazy about school since neither of them are college graduates. they work in real estate, the two of them, so just like as mentioned above to yomiuri i basically took it upon myself to study. i don’t know i thought it’d be good and beneficial for me but it’s probably been a waste of time. no wonder japan’s education percentages are so high, everybody’s told to go to school and (while it’s not a bad idea) for some of us that method to adulthood has failed us. got me thinking if it’s a societal obsession kinda thing but i could be talkin my head off. for the most part though, they took it pretty well. like yeah they seemed a bit confused and maybe if i wasn’t mistaken even disappointed but the phone call didn’t trouble me all that much

@risaa.aa285: i’m from yokohama. my family included. i’m zainichi, and yokohama has a largely populated chinese community. japanese is my first language but even then kanto dialect isn’t as distinguished as kansai dialect for example. i used to go to keio university

top contributor ripslyme_fan2

you got accepted into keio and decided to back down?? dropout?? what kind of grades, recommendation letters and test scores did you have in order to get in? i can’t tell if i’m mad at you for being smart enough to get accepted or if i’m just as happy that you decided to not be another corporate droid… LOL

PRESENT.

topic: college dropouts! how have you all been doing? 52 posts in this topic posted 1 august 2018

top contributor offthewall

when you’re filling out those withdraw papers, be prepared to understand that this is pretty much an end to your solution. by that i mean once its been signed, there’s really no going back. sit down and think about it, especially if you don’t have a backup plan. i was in your position over a year ago, and it’s the best thing i’ve done in all my life so far. it’s rewarding, especially if you’ve had episodes of sitting in lectures, or registering for classes and having to fight for the government for money to pay for your courses especially if your heart isn’t in it. college ain’t cheap, far from it, so if you feel like you’re wasting your time, energy and money while you could be working on another craft of yours, then i say do it

i’ve been out of school for about a year and several months like i said a bit earlier. i’m still in debt, but obviously not as much as someone who graduated with a bachelor’s. i had a plan, and i stuck with it. i have a full-time job but i’m also working on something of my own in the making, and i live in a pretty comfortable sharehouse. it’s the only thing that i can afford at the moment, but i’m not complaining. crowded, but comfortable. all of this while being in a foreign country

and yeah, sometimes shit gets tough but you gotta buckle down, right?

your future is how you make it to be you are the architect of your destiny

#mm:accepted

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sickandvomiting · 6 years

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2017 summary

No one particularly tagged me to do it, though I was mentioned a few times in the different posts and a lot of them were like “do this is you want my guy”. So here I am, bc I am terrible.

January: moved into a new dorm, tried to split my time between three different friend groups. Lost one of them, the other ended up questioning why I was living on their hall. The last one I stayed really close to and it was great. Was very depressed. Hated my body and started only eating one meal a day.

February: Had a birthday. Was originally disappointed bc everyone forgot, but as it turns out they were avoiding the topic bc they wanted to throw me a party. I cried. It was amazing. Slow month, lots of snow. Lots of drunk people. Took care of a few. Was very depressed.

March: Friends visited for spring break. Got snowed in. Had a very stressful drive in a shitty car in a blizzard w/o good headlights. Crocheted a lot. Maybe had a crush on a girl. Maybe didn’t. Had lots of problems sleeping. Stayed away for 80 hours and started hallucinating. Brought my snake to school as a therapy animal. Changed meds. Got really depressed. Found out I’d lost 30 lbs over the course of the year.

April: Dropped classes bc I was struggling to keep my head above water. Had a relapse for the first time in a year. Got mildly dependent on Xanax, and switched to something else. Had trouble sleeping. My friends were always there for me. They are amazing. Felt like my y’all hated me, so spent most of my time away in my friends’ dorm.

May: Didn’t have finals, so I left early. Started summer Calc II to catch up. Teacher was great. Was still depressed. Got my motorcycle license, so that was lit.

June: More Calc II. Holed myself up in the basement, and didn’t really talk to anyone. Started a factory job. They told me I quit a week later after I twisted my ankle. Mom was very angry. I needed the money. I was very angry because I didn’t quit. Did okay on my Calc exams. Wrote a letter to an old piano teacher of mine thanking him for talking to me when I was in 7th grade and lonely and suicidal at summer camp, and for introducing me to the place I currently attend college.

July: MORE Calc II. Did better on my exams. Got a 98% on one. More staying in the basement. Didn’t hear from many friends. Felt as though they’d all forgotten about me. Got suicidal. Didn’t tell anyone.

August: Finished Calc II, with a good grade. Had a sleep study and was officially diagnosed with DSPD and sleep apnea. Found out I’d gained back all the weight I lost. Hated myself. Went through sleep chronotherapy to fix my sleep schedule. It worked. For a bit. Moved back to Uni, found out all my friends were living in separate places. Talked to a few the first week, lost contact with most after that.

September: Started classes. Enjoyed my single room, got to play piano. Relapsed. Relapsed again. Felt like everyone hated me. Hated myself. Started battling the school for an emotional support cat. Sexual assault case blew up at school, went national. Terrible graffiti written everywhere. Classes were harder than anticipated.

October: Hard classes got harder. Went to a frat party, and hated it. Reconnected with some friends from last year, and started hanging out at their place. Relapsed again. And again. And again. Not even relapses anymore. Just back to the regular pattern. Started taking Xanax again, in moderation. No dependency formed. Gained more weight. Had a period that lasted all month. Halloween was fun. Got to go home for a short break. Didn’t want to go back. Started DBT. Had a bad panic attack. Begged for help, saw that people saw and no one came. Felt very alone.

November: Had Friendsgiving. Found out I was failing some classes. Had to drop two again. Got suicidal. Couldn’t really get out of bed for almost two weeks. Sleep schedule got fucked again. Went home for thanksgiving and had fun with friends from high school. I missed them. Went back to school and tried to crack down on work. Not effective. Tried to break the relapse habit. Worked for a bit. Then it didn’t. Almost killed myself. Continued DBT. Won the battle with the school and got my cat.

December: Didn’t do well in my classes. Tried my best, but couldn’t catch up. Exams almost killed me. Lost interest in almost everything. Found some interest in piano again, after exams were over. Had Christmas. It went well, then extended family Christmas did not go so well. Got a new tablet. Still trying to get it to work. Tried to do commissions, but everything looked terrible and I didn’t have the heart to make people pay money for the shit I was putting out. My apologies. I’m sorry that I suck. Received a lovely message back from the teacher from years ago. I have it saved. Watched Guy Fieri for most of New Years. Missed the secret Santa deadline. Hated myself. Found out I’m allergic to penicillin family and sulfa antibiotics on the very last day. Fun stuff.

It was a very down year. There were a few ups, but it was mostly downs. The worst year I’ve had in a long time. Here’s to the new year. May it be a damn sight better than the last one.

Feel free to do this if you want. Most people seem to have been tagged already.

#depression tw #suicide tw #self harm tw #anxiety tw #panic attack tw #g talks #irrelevant #yeah its been one for the record books in terms of stress failure and self loathing #what a fun year

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roughsexwithgaga · 7 years

Text

To Love Again pt.1

Monday, August 10

”What the fuck is going on up there?”

A loud cranking noise was heard throughout the stadium and then the large 360 screen started to descend between the pillars. A loud floof-floof-floof was heard as the lights on the ground all lit up in order and blinded the personal on the ground. Five ”floating” stages were placed out on the ground and waiting to be rigged.

The floodlights beneath the screen came on and suddenly the whole floor bathed in blue light. It looked like a space ship coming down to land when the massive spotlights flipped outward and the screen continued dow. Lady Gaga’s tour director Marko screamed at the supervisor to shut it down but it was too late. The screen hit the spotlights and stopped. The snapping sound of the metal when it broke whipped across the empty stadium before two of the spotlights came off their attachments and fell over 60 feet to the ground.

Luckily no one was standing below it but Marko cursed and screamed that whoever had made this idiotic construction should be forced to climb up and put them back. It was the 5th show of Lady Gaga’s stadium tour in support of her sixth studio album and following in the footsteps of her successful soundtrack to her first movie as a leading actress. The concert was scheduled tonight and they still had 16 hours to go. He understood the workers were tired from being up all night and the new shift was supposed to take over just now.

He needed sleep as well and looked at his watch. 6 am. The Lady herself wouldn’t be pleased when she woke up. There had been technical difficulties nearly every show and last minute fixes. Three versions of the stage was out on the roads across USA and one spare version was still in Colorado. The one they used the opening night in Denver when Gaga performed in front of 78,000 ecstatic fans had been working the most satisfying so far. It had been used twice. It was his first time as tour director for such a massive tour and he was nervous, but Gaga had picked him personally and he wanted to deliver.

This day’s show was in Pasadena and the second biggest one on the North American leg. It was sold out of course and fans who wanted a good spot in the pit had been lining up all night. Gaga stayed at her house in Malibu and was scheduled to arrive four hours before the show. Marko knew everything had to be ready by then. No more delays. He left the stage site to get some sleep and planned to be back by noon but first he had to call her manager and sort out the broken spots.

\o/

It was 8 am and Lady Gaga was on the phone with her manager Bobby. The day before she had arranged a small birthday party for her dad so the sleepover guests were still asleep. The frequent technical issues obviously weren’t hers to deal with, but she had told her manager she wanted to know so she was prepared if anything needed to be changed.

”It’s almost like… I don’t wanna say it, Stef.” Bobby sounded a bit worried. ”There are two crews working on mounting and dismounting the stages and the other crew doesn’t have these kind of issues and it seems really unlikely one crew has the same damn troubles with two different stages.” He paused and took a deep breath. ”The screen isn’t even supposed to run into the spots no matter how they are rotated. And the noise it made, I nearly shit my pants thinking about it now.”

Gaga listened to him and exhaled. ”So what are you saying?”

”Someone is either really sloppy or wants the tour to look bad. It’s not like these issues would go unnoticed before the show anyway. It’s just costing a lot of money and time.” Bobby sighed and told her he would talk to Marko and Stageco, they were in charge of providing the stage and the crews. ”I’m sorry Stef, you don’t deserve this,” he added before they ended the call.

She put the phone down on the counter just in time to turn around to see her daughter bounce across the floor and scream in delight as her french bulldog Gus tackled the child to the ground. The girl spun around and lost the ball she was holding. ”My ball,” she shrieked but the dog obviously didn’t care. He quickly snapped up the ball and ran away, out into the garden and the girl was about to go after him when Gaga reached down and grabbed her pajamas by the back.

”My ball!” the girl repeated and squirmed as her mother lifted her up and wrapped her arms around her. She put her face against the girl’s neck and smelled her, kissed her cheek and made the little girl giggle with delight.

”Mama,” she said and pointed out through the patio doors. ”My ball.”

Gaga nodded. ”Yes, Joanne. Gus borrows it.”

”Bohwoh,” she repeated and looked disappointed.

”What do you say we have some breakfast, my lazy little peanut.” Gaga said and put Joanne down in her chair. The child was usually sleeping late, and had never been an early bird. She insisted on letting the girl sleep in her bed and when she returned after a show she could sneak into bed and wake up together with her. It was the most blessed feeling in the whole world to have the tiny body next to her, waking up to her chit chatting to herself in her baby language. Just recently she had been starting to put two words together and loving her own voice so much she never shut up.

Her daughter had Christian's dark brown eyes. Her hair had been dirt blonde when she was born but darkened with time. Now she was 2 years old and the most important thing in her life. She was the result of a a steamy, sweat soaked night of sex that left her body aching and pregnant – to her surprise. Christian had met up with her before a two day break in her touring schedule in St Louis when they hadn’t seen each other in 14 days. Gaga had been sick a few days, and thrown up a lot. She knew she had messed up with her birth control pills and just maybe she didn’t care on purpose.

By December just before the last shows she had found out she was pregnant. It was the perfect gift to receive at the end of her last tour. Not planned, but certainly welcomed. The last trimester of her pregnancy had been difficult and draining and while gaining a lot of weight she had been emotionally unstable and felt exhausted. She had given birth on August 14, a little more than six weeks before the premier of A Star Is Born, and had forced herself to work hard to get back in shape for the red carpet.

The birth had been a long drawn out process as well where she had complications and lot of bleedings post-birth causing her to stay a few days longer than planned. The baby was late. Nearly a week after due date, refusing to leave the safety of her womb.

When their baby was born she was amazed. This new person that she created, that had grown inside her. She had never known such gratitude and happiness. Her daughter made her heart nearly beat out of her chest as she held her for the first time. Convinced she had never seen a prettier baby in her whole life. Christian had been by her side the entire time and when he held the little girl in his hands and smiled with such pride she was convinced they would be a real family.

She didn't even care about her bloated face in all the photos from the hospital. Her round cheeks, swollen lips and double chin. Her tits had been huge and she kind of missed that. A photo shoot she did while she was still breastfeeding where her boobs were swelling out of her clothes had caused a media frenzy like everyone suddenly forgot tits ’tend’ to grow as they produce milk.

The first 3 months had been the worst uphill Gaga had ever experienced in her entire life. She relied on the tremendous support of her own family and was so eternally grateful for the baby, but she was hitting rock bottom and being a mother was the only thing keeping her above the surface. Her mom, dad, sister and Christian were basically the only people she met.

Even in her darkest moments she noticed how much it got to Christian, and how he had to distance himself from her. He was affected, but the baby came first and he did possess an overflow of paternal instincts. She tried her best, she loved her baby and had to keep pushing through the darkness for her. Some mornings she barely got out of bed and luckily Christian was there to take over.

When Joanne turned 4 months she was starting to get her life back on the tracks. At least she managed to open a door to a little light and started to see the end of the depression she was going through. Their first Christmas together as a family actually turned into a nice memory.

The following year Christian escorted her to the Academy Awards where she finally won her Oscar for Best Original Song. She made a jaw dropping performance and received a standing ovation that never seemed to end. Life was fucking amazing again. She had her family, the success, the critics were on her side, the public loved her, but she didn’t need the approval of strangers anymore. The confidence was radiating from her. She kept her daughter away from it all because she wanted her to grow up happy and away from all the judging eyes.

Being happy, having a career and both a daughter and a man to come home to must have been too many good things for one person, so about two weeks before her 33rd birthday everything was like turning a hand. She thought Christian would propose, but instead he broke up with her. He never gave a reasonable explanation to why but she understood that he was jealous of her and Joanne. The baby and her career came in the way of him being the priority in her life and having access to her whenever he wanted. He had yelled at her that they couldn’t even touch each other anymore because there was a baby between them constantly. And that the baby should learn to sleep in her own bed.

Whatever Gaga suggested, Christian somehow managed to want the opposite. She had been blind for months, completely swallowed up by her daughter and her own career. Taking Christian’s presence for granted and assuming he was as pleased and happy as she was. After all he did stand by her side through her absolute worst. She called him an idiot who was jealous of his own daughter.

On top of things Christian obviously immediately found a new partner. A little blonde model thing half his age while she felt fooled and abandoned. It took a month to get into her head that he wasn't worth it and that she would cope without him. Her value as a woman and mother didn't depend on him.

It also dawned on her how lonely she was and how hard it was to find a man to cuddle up against during the nights. It was the only thing she missed in her life at that point. She spent the summer making music, and there had been moments when she was close to dating, but it always ended before it lead anywhere. She was better at reading people now, and no one passed her tests. And then there was Christian. He was still confessedly involved with the child and fulfilling his duties as father. He spent a lot of time with her and suddenly never questioned Gaga's scheduling or suggestions.

On Joanne’s birthday she had sex with Christian again for the first time in six months. Knowing how hard it was to turn her down once she set her mind to something and how much he still was attracted to her, she used her social skills and her body and got what she wanted. Gaga realized she did it to prove to herself that she was still attractive, and not just for the sex itself. It simply felt amazing to be desired.

Christian’s new partner evidently found out about him cheating because Gaga texted him about it and she saw it. Gaga did it on purpose, because she still desperately wanted them to be a family and did everything in her power to win him back. So of course she did. Less than a month later they were a couple again and Gaga had already started working on her new album. Their love seemed to overcome all past obstacles and she was living again. Gaga released her new single ’Love Reunion’ out of the blue at the Grammys while announcing a 7-month worldwide stadium tour starting later the same year. Her demands had been no back-to-back shows and a maximum of three shows a week. Live Nation had agreed. They realized she needed time between concerts.

Gaga and Christian got married in New York, with only their closest family and friends attending the ceremony and then they spent two weeks in a rented house in Italy before she returned home and finished her album which was released in late April. By that time the tour was already sold out and they had not even began with the hyping and promotion. With the tour starting in August it was the shortest span ever for her between album release and tour, and the amount of work put into planning and promotion were consuming their relationship.

Now that she was starting to travel again and became accessible to her fans and media he felt left out. She was constantly booked somewhere and took her daughter with her everywhere. It was getting more and more difficult to find time for Christian even when he came along and she could sense how he once again felt threatened by her career and that Joanne came first. They argued over petty things again and Gaga felt like he tried to make her feel bad. If you’re not going to support me, you can leave me alone until you get over your male ego, she told him in a heated argument.

So a little over two weeks ago, in the middle of the tour launch, he had moved out of her mansion claiming it was because he felt like an employee in her massive team and he was sick of being treated like one while everyone ran around her acting like she was some kind of hub in this universe. To her it seemed like he wanted to punish her during one of the most important stages in her career.

He had been to the premiere of her tour, but skipped the following shows and she avoided conversation with him because she was still hurting. It had been hard to find personal time and rehearsal took so much effort she stumbled into bed at nights barely fit to say good night. Maybe it was better he got a little distance to everything so he discovered he missed her. He didn’t have to be so excessive about it. These last two months had been so intense and now that the tour started she finally felt like she had time to breathe between shows.

Christian was the only man she had been with the past 4 years. She told herself she only wanted him, and gave him so much of her time, but he still wanted more from her since he basically gave up his own career to be around her. She had told him she needed him, and his support for her was the most important one. She didn’t want to travel the world without him. He knew it would be like this because this was her job, but she would always come back to them. The disappointment she felt for him at this point was immense and she was heartbroken and didn’t know how to fix it without giving up a piece of herself.

…

Now she was sitting in her kitchen, watching her daughter eat all by herself and still ranting about her ball and the dog borrowing it. She looked at her, rested her chin against her palm and felt that enormous love in her chest that nearly made her suffocate and fill her lungs with air at the same time. When she leaned too close her daughter grabbed the frame of her glasses and pulled them off her face and tried them on. Her sticky fingers smeared the glass before she helped put them back on her mother’s nose and applauded herself on her good deed.

When Gaga was pregnant she had been letting her hair grow, and didn’t use bleach or dye. It was probably a good idea since her hair thinned out a lot after she gave birth. It was still healthier now than 3 years ago and reached her shoulders when she decided to go blonde again. She took the baby out of the chair and carried her upstairs to change her clothes. She put on a long sleeved top, pants and a little hat before they went outside for a little stroll around the garden and look at the flowers and the insects. And maybe even find the ball, she said and Joanne clung to her hand trying to manage down the stairs.

Every time the little hand searched hers when they walked outside it was another one of those proud moments when she felt like she had found her purpose in life. She was afraid she would love the baby to death, buried her nose against her neck before putting the child on the ground and let her run ahead of her on the gravel between the roses. She was a happy child, and she knew it was because she was immensely loved. Even moving out, Christian still wanted to be a part of the girl’s life, as he was her father after all and she deserved to have him in her life. But Gaga would never let anything or anyone come between her and her daughter.

Her mom had been her greatest support. She had Emilie, her nanny and also her assistants Mariah and Sam and her physiotherapist Heather, but her mom was the person she relied on the most of all, apart from Christian. He had to understand performing was her job, it was what she was supposed to do. Not only being a mother and a wife. It was her drug, her oxygen but there would always be them once it was over.

\o/

When Bobby called again Gaga was singing songs with Joanne who murdered the keys on a mini-piano. The girl was not the slightest impressed with her mother singing unless she sang directly to her face and tickled her. Then she laughed so hard she choked and screamed. Gaga ate some leftover food from the birthday party while she kept her daughter company. She didn’t want to eat too close to the show because it made her sick most of the time.

”What are you doing?” Bobby asked.

”Multi-tasking,” Gaga replied with her mouth full.

”They have fixed it. Stageco are going to have a talk with the team later when the nightshift is awake.”

”OK, great,” Gaga said. Glad to have a break from the baby talk. It wasn’t much of a two-way communication thing yet. Joanne just loved hearing her own voice and used her two-phrase sentences over and over. ”My dada,” she said and pointed at a chair. The girl started to talk louder using her limited array of words to get her mother’s attention back. Gaga buried her nose against the dimple below Joanne’s neck making the girl squirm and giggle.

”I can hear the princess. How is she?” Bobby gushed.

”Recovering from a cold, but that doesn’t seem to slow her down.” Gaga smiled and tilted her head back over the backrest of the couch. She put her feet up on the table and heard the voices behind her in the kitchen when they returned from shopping. Emilie started unpacking the groceries and chatted with Cynthia who naturally needed to cuddle her granddaughter.

Gaga got up and changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt after she finished talking to Bobby and the others had a light meal in the kitchen before they had to leave to go to Pasadena. Joanne nearly ate half a melon for dessert while the dogs sat around her hoping for a treat to fall to the floor. Their butts left the floor in anticipation each time the child’s hands hovered over their heads but they had no luck today.

She packed her things into the Cadillac Escala and Cynthia came out with Joanne and a bag of her belongings. Her daughter followed her everywhere. It wasn’t even up for debate to leave her behind anywhere. Gaga had large black sunglasses on, her hair was in a pony tail and she wore a white large sweater and the baggy pants. She got in the car while her mom sat down in the back together with the girl and the nanny. Her dad sat next to her in the front and she drove out on the coastal road to LA and Pasadena. Traffic wasn’t so bad. Gaga sang together with her mom and daughter while they cruised on their way to the stadium.

When she arrived she waved at her fans and drove past the gates. She didn’t stop anymore. Hardly ever and her fans had gotten used to it. Some respected the fact that she was more private now and some still had meltdowns on social media about ”how much she’d changed for the worse”. She thought it would be weird if they were still the same person today that they were 10-15 years ago. She obviously still loved her fans, needed them, just as they needed her but she didn’t have enough of herself to give away anymore. She wanted to give everything to her daughter who sat shielded behind the tinted reinforced windows in the backseat. Blissfully unaware of all the fuss.

She drove all the way up to the doors and parked so she could walk out and take Joanne out of her baby car seat and just turn around to get her inside, away from the smattering cameras she noticed on the other side of the curb. The fans closed up against the gates to get a quick look at her before she hurried inside. Joe blocked the paparazzi’s view with his body and got into her car and parked it while the door closed behind her. The fans cheered her name and wished her luck.

She continued down a hallway and a large room where the personnel had just finished their dinner, told Cynthia to bring some fruit when her on-site guide told her it was already in her dressing room. ”Oh, right,” she said, distraught and continued underneath the stands towards her assigned room. It was decorated according to her wishes. It was light and had a warm golden light. She said hello to everyone in her staff, thanked them for being there and made sure everyone felt like they were there for a reason and that tonight was a team effort.

Bobby came inside and assured her everything was working excellent now. There would be no delays tonight. She had a new musical director, going for an electronic pop sound, with influences from disco and funk. Adam had rearranged a lot of her older hits and made a seamless show that spanned her whole career. Some songs had been scaled down to leave more room for her vocals while others had been majestically rearranged to be stadium anthems. The sultry, more mature version of Pokerface had breathed life into the stale beat and opened the doors for new choreography and made her enjoy the songs again.

When she started to plan this tour she had decided that she was done with the old, repetitive sound and moves and wanted to show the world that she was an artist as well as a performer and how diverse she was. Not ’just’ by sitting down to play a song on the piano. The show was a story of how she started out and took over the world and then slowed down, had some dark moments and then built up her career again and established herself as a legendary artist. One of the best ever.

Naturally she liked the second half of the show the best. Sitting by the piano, hearing the fans sing along, cry and then from there take them all the way home leaving them feeling like they were run over by a bus. Her show sent them through all her emotions, the raving happiness at the start, anger, sadness and forgiveness and finally confidence and strength. She had thought about it a lot and finally come up with the perfect storyline.

She felt like she was more involved than before and more awake, more able to leave things in the hands of people she trusted. She was on the floor stretching and trying to find some inner calm, going over some of the advice she had been given since the first show when they had watched it together. Too nervous she found herself walking to the back of the stage, away from the audience during vocally straining parts and losing contact with them. Sing towards them and not her band or some prop on stage. ”Don’t forget the audience,” she whispered and laughed. As if. It was a reflex to turn around and strut away to give the audience a nice view of her butt cheeks.

Bobby sat down on the couch and looked stressed.

”What is it?” she asked.

”Nothing, I hope.” He didn’t want to tell her he had been worried all day, and his suspicions about the ’mishaps’ was eating him.

Sarah started to prepare to do Gaga’s make up and Bobby got off the couch. He exhaled and posed like a boxer. ”Knock em dead, girl.”

She chuckled and hit his fists back.

Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 | Pt. 6 | Pt. 7

#Lady Gaga #fanfic #fanfiction #GagaXChristian #Christian Carino

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waldowski89-blog · 7 years

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Two Lazy Weeks in the Making… (somewhere at the beginning of August 2017)

(Edit: Okay, the title sounds more dramatic than the actual bulk of this post but lets get into the ramblings of a madman who talks about nothing whilst trying to make it sound interesting. I’m also going to have to do a lot of writing as I want to catch up with all the post I’ve missed… which is a lot. Off we go into the post then)

(After Edit: Scroll to the credits music at the bottom and you can also listen to some albums/music that I listened to while writing this)

Hello again, I’m back! Not that I really left. I’ve been over on Twitch and Twitter mainly. So I’ve got lots of plans for social media stuff and am keeping myself busy. I know this shouldn’t be a diary type thing. Those can be boring. Especially mine seen as nothing much really happens in my life… honest!

I will be starting an Instagram account this week… yay! Please feel free to follow me on all my different accounts. It sounds like it’s all me me me (meme, har har) but I promise you it will all be entertaining… like a train wreck is entertaining. Tune in to watch a fully grown man go slowly insane. (Edit: That’s a laugh)

I’ve said before that: “Waldowski” is a character of mine and he is. However, my own personality seems to be… “shining” through in his work… or my work I suppose.

(12/8/17 (Edit: English style date)):

Right, so I wrote the top part a few days ago (Thurs 10/8/17 I think) and now I’m coming back to this. I’m going back to my old schedule and goals and adding a few things. When I do Twitch streams, which should be everyday. TWITCH STREAM ERRYDAY *AIRHORNS* I may do longer than an hour. I just bought Assassin’s Creed Origins too so stay tuned for that, exciting stuff! (Edit: I literally just bought it because I forgot to enter the discount code. What a mess!)

I was watching a vid earlier about Michael Jackson’s involvement in creating the music for Sonic 3. It was very interesting and I have heard about this before. The whole thing is pretty much confirmed now but it’s interesting to follow all the theories and research that’s been done into this. I won’t reiterate what’s already been said but I will link the recent vid on the subject. There are links in there too so hopefully I haven’t sent you into a research, insomniac inducing frenzy of a pit of information where you’re just holding a steaming cup of coffee with straggly hair and bloodshot eyes just looking for your next fix on that Michael Jackson/Sega music conspiracy… and breathe. Sorry for that long sentence, I got carried away.

Okay I’m back writing this again on 13/8/17. I’m going to finish this post tonight! I’m watching Key and Peele again. Those guys are funny, anyway, what I’m doing is writing out four pages by hand with my brilliant Parker fountain pen… okay… I think I’ve really lost it. I’m coming back out of retirement (secret link of more Key and Peele I didn’t post on twitter) (Edit: I put it in the Research section below too. Also, thanks to Philip DeFranco for the idea of a secret link. What fun!)

More plans are a: “Let’s Read” YouTube channel called: “Waldowski Reads”. I still have to get a few things to set that up first. It will be much like a let’s play channel but with me trying to read a book… funny, eh?

This kinda reminds me of when I’d do work at University. I’d have to set goals, plan things, etc… I have been doing this but falling behind lately. In any case none of that matters now. I’ve gotta move on and get on with actually doing stuff.

So, everything’s planned out for a little while for me. Anything happening out there? (apart from all the bad news of course. I already know about that stuff) I genuinely mean it too with following me on social media. I try to talk to as many people as I can nowadays.

Blergh, how did I do this before? A few months ago I’d bang out 1,000 words like it was nothing.

Oh my God, I totally forgot, Na Wri Mo (Edit: Almost, but it’s Na NO Wri Mo because it happens in November) is happening soon. Ugh, I’d always wanted to try it for years. What I’m worried about is one whether what I write will be any good, if I stick to it (quitting will feel like a massive failure for me) and if I’ll take it seriously (nothing should, I suppose) (Edit: Kinda gave up on the numbering of reasons, didn’t I ?) but I’ve had a tendency to let things travel into the realm of ridiculousness before… hmn, maybe that’s a good thing? It might turn out silly and fun for once. I’m not putting “The Vague Chronicles” in there either. Maybe the characters can crossover, I dunno.

It’s pretty much 12:00am as I write this. I’m gonna get it finished before I sleep anyway. So it’s four sides of handwritten A4 pages… did I already write that?

In any case, I keep liking vids on YouTube but they don’t stay liked (random I know but what else can I write… look at this shit. How the fuck is my Na Wri Mo (Edit: Pleb) project going to look? I don’t even have a plan Jesus Christ. Also yes I’m swearing… I’ve been drinking a little bit too. I’m not an example of how life should be lived… this is just an account of how I’m living mine)

Shit, I’m supposed to disappear. Well, at least in novel writing I am. Writing is about the characters not me, at least that what I’ve been told. I’ve also been told: “Write what you know”.

Back again. Been distracted by life. In… anyway what I was saying was ugh… it doesn’t matter I’m not supposed to be in the story, my characters are… but why do I become them sometimes? I have to… that’s the point.

So, this is the last page (handwritten anyway)

Damn, look at this, I’m letting myself get distracted at every turn. It’s 4:04 in the morning and I haven’t finished. I’ll have to type all this up tomorrow. Hello me! Weird right? You’re typing this up and I’m talking to you. (Edit: … yes very… I hope I get back to the point, whatever it was)

So, seriously. I dunno. This pen is kinda cool, right? Tired AndwewsiesTM. This will go up on Tumblr. I know I’m irrelevant at the moment. So drunk WHO CARES ABOUT THAT!? Nevermobf.

So, Assassin’s Creed Origins is coming soon… in October. Hopefully I’ll be ready to do a let’s play/stream hey I might even do an unboxing. It’s a collector’s edition with a figure and other stuff too. I’ll do it like the vid I’m showing someone now. Wink wink. (Edit: It was just me reading the handwritten version out… HUSHIES) She gets to see the handwritten stuff. This is her day after all! The best fan/troll anyone could ever hope for.

Gosh my writing is getting bad, so drunk. I’m okay of course. Oh! So there’s like four things I think I have to link in this “blog”. Um, the Michael Jackson Sonic 3 vid, the music from the Jetzons associated with that, the Key and Peele vid, oh and finally the AC Origins pic.

I’m back but for now… goodbye and I will see… MAY see you tomorrow. My name’s Waldowski and thank you to everyone who read this or listened.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ILY UWU!

Research Links:

A Brief History of Michael Jackson's Sonic the Hedgehog 3

The Jetzons - Hard Times(Sonic 3 Ice Cap Zone Act 1 & 2 Remix)

Michael Jackson's Moonwalker - Sega Genesis - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 63

I’m Coming out of Retirement One Last Time...

Credits Music:

Thought Beings - Italo Nights

Tommy '86 - Disco Machine - [FULL EP]

Nightcrawler - Strange Shadows - [FULL EP]

VHS Glitch - Halloween Strangers [FULL ALBUM]

Bonus

Off we go...

Into uncharted lands...

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namhyems · 5 years

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to open, push down and turn

A lot happened since my last post, so here’s a quick recap.

August: Official start of the long 3-month holiday. I spent most of it tutoring students in the village. I taught a group of primary school students who really tested my patience. I also taught two high school boys as well as two high school girls. I even taught the local bank staff. I cooked for myself every day this month. I would bike to the market early in the morning to beat the rush and to make it in time for my favorite fried rice cakes with bean paste. I became really comfortable with the market and the sellers. So comfortable that they were all slapping my butt at one point and telling me how my boobs were nonexistent. Oh, I forgot to mention that my counterpart and I made a commitment to “exercise” daily with students which really just meant going on a walk to the pagoda at 6AM. With my days filled to brim, the month really flew by.

September: Mid-service training. We had three full days of training at the PC office where we learned a lot more advanced/useful language. This was also the month I visited home! The journey there didn’t even feel that long because I was just so excited. My mom and I kept this a secret from everyone for about three months. Surprising my family and friends was seriously one of the best parts. During my time home, I was reminded how much I am loved and cared for and thought about. I was reminded the importance of community and the value of having somewhere I can call home. Goodbyes weren’t as difficult this time because somehow saying “see you in a year” made it so much better than “see you in two years”.

October: I came back to the last month of school holiday rejuvenated and ready for my final year into service. This time coincided with a Khmer festival known as Pchum Ben which is a festival to respect ancestors and those who have passed. My host family and I visited the same pagoda as the one we visited when I first met them. It was a lot of mixed feelings knowing that so much has happened since that time. Transition back to the village life and back to Cambodia in general was a lot smoother than I thought it would be. I even attended my first Khmer wedding with my host family! This was huge for me because while all other PCVs went to weddings in their first year of service, I went to my first one with my host fam in my second year, lol. ~*~*PC clout~*~*

November: The first day of school ceremony took place on the first day of the month. I went to the ceremony expecting a fairly big ceremony similar to last year but when I arrived, it was two times the size as last year with a fancy elevated stage with a massive sound system. It was a Coachella main stage in the middle of the schoolyard. School commenced the day after and I didn’t know my schedule for a good week. I also started working with two new counterparts - both females! My previous counterpart went to Phnom Penh to study some more. This month I also had the best burger of my life in Phnom Penh. Shout out to Cousin’s Burger. Y’all doin’ it right. I also also had two Japanese friends visit me from Japan!! I prepped myself by binge watching Terrace House and talking to myself in Japanese as much as I could, but wow…when the day finally came, I really felt like I was malfunctioning. I literally had four languages in my brain all trying to come out. I kept imagining that episode of SpongeBob when millions of SpongeBobs in his brain are shuffling through the different drawers in his brain and end up going crazy. Yeah, that was me. But thanks to them, I got to practice my Japanese as well as reaffirm my Khmer and I finally visited Angkor Wat.

December: Six days into December, my umma came to this side of the world!! We visited my love on her little island called Singapore, met her family and friends, and lived my Crazy Rich Asian fantasy out. Not really, because the most exciting things were Donki and mazesoba LOL. Only half kidding. We then came back to Cambodia to officially show my umma where I currently call home. Thinking back now, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea going from the cleanest and most developed SEA country to one of the less developed countries…But I guess it helped with the dramatic effect. Out of everything, though, showing my umma my village and introducing her to my community was such a unique experience and feeling. The one thing everyone kept saying was “your mom is prettier than you!!!!” Why, yes, yes she is. Was that a compliment or a back-handed comment? … I’ll leave that up to you the reader. It’s also really fun now when I talk to my umma on the phone because she actually met these people and she knows what everything looks like. Honestly my appa was more excited than her and he didn’t even come, lol. We also went to Korea for a couple days. The experiences there and the feelings I felt there are too much to describe here, so I might have to save that for another post. But a major highlight was going to Guckkasten’s concert with my fangirl of a mother, hahah. Idk why but I wanted to cry the whole time watching her fangirl. It was just a lot for me to see her finally be able to do what she enjoyed rather than doing something just for our family’s wellbeing. And plot twist, I became a fan. (Omg so much happened in December…I’m only half-way through the month.) Around Christmas time, I got a phone call from medical staff that one of my closest friends was sick with dengue fever and currently in the hospital. They asked me to come keep her company at the hospital if possible, and I told them that I’d be there the next day. Seeing my friend so sick and fatigue in a hospital bed was honestly a huge wake up call. Being sick in this country with no one by our side is probably one of the loneliest things ever. I was able to see her get a bit better before leaving back to the village. Then came NYE which I spent on the islands of Cambodia. Koh Rong was the paradise I never thought I needed. I’ve always been a mountain girl but that was probably because that’s all I ever had in good ol’ landlocked Colorado. Now it’s hard for me to say if I am a mountain person or beach person. It was just that beautiful and relaxing.

January: 2019! The year that seemed light years away has finally arrived. It’s nearing the end of this month and there were just a few things that stuck out. My close friend went back home to America due to her health, and man, that hit hard. I didn’t know how sad and how empty it feels to have a close volunteer go home like that. I couldn’t even say a proper goodbye irl. It put me in a weird thought cycle for sure. This thought cycle also put me in a weird place…I wouldn’t say it’s a bad place. I’m not sure if it’s good either. I’m still trying to figure it out. I even deactivated Instagram because of it. Who do I think I am?! But for now, I think I like where I am now. (Lol, am I Tumblr emo yet?) I’ve been writing random thoughts out since this weird thought cycle so when I feel that I can gather my thoughts on one of these “writings” and actually make sense of it, I’ll try and post it.

But for now, that’s it. That’s where I’ve been and that’s where I am now.

From a weird place,

Sreymin

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admhawthorne · 7 years

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I’m going to post something here that may possibly get me in some level of trouble...

...if my former roommate reads this, but, at this point, I suspect it’s a moot point.

In 2014, I agreed to be my cousin’s roommate so she would be able to afford payments for a new car. She really needed a new vehicle to get from point A to point B, and I figured it’d be fine to be her roommate. Our schedules are extremely different, and the likelihood of us actually seeing each other was really fairly small. It’d be two ships passing in the night, which exactly what I said at the time I agreed to be her roommate.

[VERY long post about why I’ve been less than cordial for two years.]

In fact, I was very clear that we probably wouldn’t see each other much, we wouldn’t eat together, and it would be rare that we would spend down time together, such as playing board games, because of how different our habits are. I made no secret of how I would behave here. This was a roommate arrangement, not a family reunion that went on all year.

We set ground rules. She would let me know if she left for the weekend so I could lock to top lock. She would pay me so I could pay the bills because I had to move in a month before her, so the bills would be in my name, and she wouldn’t bring strangers into the house (aka one night stands.) She would get the master bedroom with the attached bathroom. I would get the covered parking. Her friends could stay the night, and her best friend could wash his clothes at our place. My wife could come when her scheduled allowed. We would clean up after ourselves, take out the trash and put the dishes when needed, and I would hire a housekeeper to come clean once a month or so. My cousin was under no obligation to pay for that service, but it would be nice if she chipped in since the housekeeper would be cleaning the common areas.

It was, from there, a series of bad omens.

We looked around at few different apartments as time came close for me to move. My lease was up a whole month before hers, and, to add to it, I had to give a 60 day notice to my current complex while she only needed to give 30 (as I recall).

Our schedules never worked out to find a place. I kept pushing as it got closer and closer to time for me to put in my intent to my current complex. Finally, it was the weekend in which I had to find a place, and I called her only to find she was in a different state on vacation with a friend of hers. I asked her if she really wanted to roommate with me. If she didn’t, that was fine, but I needed an answer that weekend because, as I’d stated earlier, I needed to have a place lined up by that weekend. She hemmed and hawed and finally said she still wanted to do it and she guessed she’d trust me to pick from the places we’d already looked at.

Why was it so hard to find a place? Well, it couldn’t be further than 20 minutes from her work, it had to fall under X amount of money each month so she could afford it, it had to have two bathrooms, and it had to have a bedroom big enough to hold her king sized platform bed plus her stuff. Her stuff, mind you, is enough to fill up a moving truck twice over and then some.

So, I put down for an apartment that worked under her guidelines. It worked for me, too, because it was also close to my job at that time. A week later, I was offered a FAR better job. That job was an hour to an hour and a half away from this new apartment, depending on traffic. I took the job, of course, which meant I had to eat that commute.

From that point on, it’s just been a series of mini-cluster fucks.

First, there was the issue that not all of her stuff would fit in the new apartment, which she knew, but she thought more could fit in there than could actually fit, so she had to get a bigger storage unit. That eventually became a weird strike against me even though I got rid of all my sitting furniture and had only one box and a table top in the storage closet outside. I donated or otherwise disposed of almost all of my “stored” things to specifically give her as much storage room as possible in this new apartment, which she knew. I never made that a secret.

Then there was the issue that, because I was in the second bedroom with no extra space, my TV and gaming consoles were in the living room, which meant that, when I came home, I would settle in the living room for an hour or two before going to bed. In our agreements before moving in together, she had said this would be fine. She had a TV in her room, so it was no big deal for me to be in the living room when I came home after work or during the weekends. However, after a few months, this arrangement made her uncomfortable; she eventually told me that the apartment didn’t feel like it was hers at all because she didn’t feel comfortable being out in the public spaces. That was apparently my fault somehow, though I never could get her to explain how it was my fault or what I could do to fix it.

Whenever she had someone over and they were in the living room, she would have them scatter as soon as I walked in the door, and I would stop them and point out that I could go somewhere else or do something else instead of being on the TV, but my cousin always blew that off and acted like I was running them out on a rail. I never could get her to explain why she acted that way. Yes, I asked.

She had someone over almost all the time. If it wasn’t her former boyfriend/now BFF, then it was her current boyfriend, or one of her friend girls. There was almost always someone there if she wasn’t out and spending the night with them. If she was out and spending the weekend with them, she almost never would tell me, which broke a part of our agreements prior to moving in together. When asked about it, she’d just shrug say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you, but I meant to.”

She never cleaned up after her BFF, who would cook and leave a trail of crumbs and god only knows what on and in the oven. She never really cleaned up after herself, either. She’d cook sweets like cakes for her work people, and I’d come into the kitchen to find my hand sticking to the counter tops or confectionery sugar in all the nooks and crevices of the counter tops. Shit would get spilled out in the fridge that I know wouldn’t be mine because I rarely had food in the fridge, and she’d never clean it out. It’d just sit there until I couldn’t take it anymore. I think, in the two years we were living together, she cleaned the fridge out, maybe, twice, and she NEVER offered to help pay for the housekeeper.

I cleaned it out once while she watched, and I literally pulled a tin of cookies from the crisper drawer that were over 5 years old. She had moved them from her old place to the new, and they were that old.

She eventually got a new boyfriend, after going through a dating phase in which she, once again, found ‘the one’ only to have him ghost her. They’d only been talking/dating for three months when that happened, but the world came to an end there for a while.

The new boyfriend is a nice guy. He’s a former Christian cult member, but he’s better now. He is married and divorced with a teenage daughter who has a host of issues (as do we all), but the daughter doesn’t live with him even though he has custody. (It’s a long story, but I actually don’t judge him for this. I understand he’s trying to do what’s right for his daughter.) The man can’t keep a job. He had five in the half a year I’ve known him, and I know that because, two months after they started dating, he was kicked out of his place, thus making him homeless.

In the heat of a Texas July, my cousin decided she would help him find places he could sleep during the day IN HIS CAR so he could make it to his overnight job he had at the time. Let me repeat that in bullet points:

- Middle of a Texas Summer

- Homeless boyfriend

- Help him find places to sleep in his black car

That’s care, isn’t it? I found out about it because I asked her what was wrong with him, and I just couldn’t let it go that she would rather help him sleep in his car and risk arrest for trespassing and/or heatstroke than talk to me (or anyone else for that matter) about finding a solution that would actually help him. It was wrong on so many levels that I had a break in good judgement and told her that, if he paid 200.00 for the month for rent (he wasn’t getting 40 hours for work, so I understood that 200.00 would be a lot but doable and allow him time to save up for move-in costs), he could stay with us until he found a place, but I expected him to find a place in two months’ time.

He never found a place.

He paid the 200.00 for two months, and then offered to pay 250.00 because he realized “it wasn’t right for [him] to be there and only pay 200.00.” To his credit, he did look for a place, but he could never find one he could afford on his own, especially with the upfront costs to move in, so there’s that. Luckily, he/they still had money for multiple concerts at AT&T (Cowboy) Stadium and a few road trips. Isn’t that lucky?

By then, it was September. I decided to let it go. Our lease was up in December, and then I’d be done. It was clear he wasn’t going anywhere. It was also clear that they weren’t doing the dishes. We had a dishwasher. It’s not hard to fill it, run it, and put your dishes up.

There were two of them and one of me, and I had been as vocal as I could be about them cleaning up their messes without lighting smoke signals, so I started hand washing the one or two dishes I made during the course of the day, which didn’t sit well with my cousin, either, especially when I stopped buying soap for the dishwasher.

In August, I found out from a mutual friend that my cousin and I were in a fight over the temperature in the apartment. I literally had no flippin’ clue. A couple of weeks before, my cousin, her boyfriend, and I had dinner together, and I mentioned that I noticed they’d been putting the air on auto, which turns off the fan. They told me that it kept the apartment cooler that way. I told them fine, and I asked them that, if they were going to do that, to please turn the fan on in my room because my cat’s litter box was in my room and, with no air circulation at all and regardless of how clean I keep the box, it would be stifling in my room without some air current. They said they could do that. They did it once, and then, a few weeks later I find out we’re apparently in a “fight” about it. Really?

A week later, I decided to bring it up because, F it all, being in an argument I didn’t even know about was actually pissing me off. I offered solutions to the temperature situation. They were all shot down, and I was told, “[He and I] will figure something out. It’s okay.” So, that issued was solved not at all, but it was yet something else that she didn’t like that I was doing.

By the end of September, my cousin decided to tell me that she “misread” the lease. She thought it was up on December 1, so they’d already found a new place and were moving in the last week of November, but, since she was in the wrong about it and that was on her, she would pay her share of the rent for December “if [I] still wanted [her] to.”

*slow blink*

Naturally, my answer was a strong affirmative on that one. She was going to pay her part of the rent.

I don’t think that sat well with her either.

In fact, there a lot of things that didn’t sit well with her, like the fact I didn’t always talk when she walked into a room, which I didn’t find out until over year into this crap, and not from her but from one of her gentlemen suitors who was on his way out to smoke on our patio and mentioned it as a throwaway line as he stepped outside. She didn’t like me camping out at home during the weekend and “never leaving the apartment,” but she never seemed to take into account that my nearly 3 hour round trip commute during the week meant I had no time for things like watching TV or playing videogames during the week. I guess, when you can drive home from work for lunch and a little siesta and get back on time, you forget other people have a harder time chilling at home during the work week.

Here’s the thing, I don’t think I’m actually allowed to be angry, irritated, or otherwise negative about any of this. She was in a car accident that hurt her back even more than it already was, so she had problems bending over and couldn’t carry much weight, which is why she didn’t do dishes or take the trash out. When her boyfriend moved in, he did take the trash out, but I was feeling no guilt over that because he was paying less than 1/3 of rent/bills. She has mental health issues circling around depression and anxiety, so I’m supposed to be patient with her when she’s having problems talking to me about things that bother her or when she didn’t bother to give me a heads up that a strange man/man in general was in the house and could come out of her bedroom at any point, like when I’m going/coming from the shower because my bathroom was not attached to my bedroom. (Yes, I have a robe. That’s not the point.) She is a self-identified introvert and empath, so I’m supposed to understand that she’d extremely sensitive and be cognizant of that fact so as not to hurt her feelings accidentally.

Right? I’m supposed to just roll with it, and, whenever I think something might be wrong, I should’ve asked her instead of her bringing it up even though it’s a thing bothering her. Right?

I F’ING DID. About once every three months I would ask her if I’d done something or said something that pissed her off, and she never once – NOT ONCE – took the chance to tell me any of the shit that was bothering her.

Not.

One.

Single.

Flippin’.

Time.

The final time I asked her what was going on with her was November about a week before she and her boyfriend moved out, and she said, “Well, nothing except I think you don’t like me anymore.”

I said, “Have I done anything to you to indicate that?”

Her: No

Me: Have I said anything to make you think that?

Her: No

Me: Do have an example that shows why you might feel that way?

Her: No, not really

Me: Have you spoken to me about it at all?

Her: No

Me: Well, if you don’t have anything, then I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have anything to give you anymore.

Because that was a freakin’ setup. It was too little too late, and I was so tired and so frustrated by then that anything would have been a verbal beat down and extremely accusatory. It would NOT have been productive. If she had given me something, I would have happily addressed it and explained my thought process, but she didn’t. She brought it up and hoped I’d just get after it.

Nope. I only had a few weeks to go by then.

I sent her the final rent/bill cost and forgot that her boyfriend wasn’t paying the 250.00 he’d generously been giving for rent. When I asked her the morning of the day of her move about it, she had apparently built up this whole argument in her head about how her boyfriend had “agreed to be a tenant only until the end of November, and, since this rent was for December and he was no longer a tenant, he did not owe the money,” which made me want to roll my eyes so far back in my head I could see my brain.

I cut her off, told her that was fine so long as she paid me, and I left for work.

Since then, I haven’t said a word to her. I saw her and her boyfriend on Christmas Eve at our grandfather’s house. We said exactly nothing to each other. I gave her a book she mentioned she wanted and a hand blender like one I have that I thought she might like that’s great for sauces and soups. She gave no one anything, or maybe it was just me. Hard to know these days.

You know, in general, I try to do what’s right. I do. It may not be in a gentle way. I’m not a feelings person. I don’t do the empathy thing well. It’s just not my thing. I’ve spent my whole life with chronic pain and clinical depression with the added bonus of generalized anxiety. It’s great. It’s like slamming on the breaks and the gas at the same time while in the middle of a three car pileup. I learned a long time ago that you just have to keep going. You find solutions that work to allow you to keep doing what needs to be done despite whatever ails you. In spite of your physical or mental pain, there’s a point at which you have to go to work, you have to clean up after yourself, and you have do for yourself without expecting anyone to be grateful or excited that you are doing it.

That’s just adult life. It sucks sometimes, but life is hard. My physical and mental issues are not my crutch, and I think that, a lot of the time, they’re my cousin’s, and that frustrates me not because I’m trying to one up her on the ‘oh yeah, mine’s worse’ meter, but because it keeps her from progressing in life, and it keeps the rest of us around her in a constant state of ‘will this be the thing that sets her off?’

She just won’t talk about anything that bothers her and refuses to address problems, and I just can’t do it anymore.

On the tenth anniversary of the death of the woman who raised me, I wanted to go visit her grave, but my cousin’s fuck buddy posted about his new girlfriend on Facebook, and she had a mutual friend call me and ask me to come over to help manager my cousin because she was so distraught, so I did. Looking back, I don’t think I should have. She used to throw actual tantrums when we were children when things weren’t going her way because we were ‘mean to her,’ and I never understood that. She complains about no one understanding her or bothering to remember what is important to her even though she does that for other people because she’s a giver, but people do stuff for her all the time, and they don’t have to.

I don’t think I can be a good person to her anymore. If these past two years have taught me anything, it’s that I was a chump. I hate myself for that. I don’t ever want to feel as stressed out and frustrated about going home as I did these past two years. I am the most unhealthy I have ever been, and it’s because I allowed myself to be that way in order to stay out of the line of sight of my cousin lest I upset her.

It’s stupid. I was stupid. I was so very stupid, and I don’t think we will ever get back to where we were before this mess started. It’s a loss on both sides, and I could make it right by reaching out to her and apologizing for not being sympathetic, understanding, and helpful in her times of need, but the truth is it’s a two way street, and I was the only one reaching out.

It’s her turn.

As childish and selfish and self-centered as that sounds, and I know it’s egotistical, which is wrong, but it’s her turn to be the bigger person and reach out to me. If she really wants the relationship (as she said about a boy who she once wanted to date but didn’t want to ask him out because he should ask her out), she can talk to me.

It’s wrong… I hate myself for that, too, but I feel so much better having that behind me and being alone again.

….maybe I just shouldn’t be around people…

#I should really keep a journal

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rueur · 4 years

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Morning Pages No. 58

Friday 21st August - 9:01am Man, I was so hoping that I could say the time was exactly 9am when I started typing, but alas I had to erase yesterday’s text and set up the start of the page. I actually still haven’t even changed the No. of the page to today’s number, so I have to do that before I continue any further. Okay done!

I just opened the front door to let Lonzo and Nicky out for a little bit this lovely, sunny morning, and am sitting where I usually sit at the dining table, in front of my whiteboard, typing with my back straight and enjoying the calm and quiet of this morning, before my jam-packed afternoon starts. I have a chat scheduled with Sam McDonald at 3pm, and then a class with Dinel at 4:30-5:30, then a chat with Dan scheduled from 6 till whatever time that ends, hopefully that doesn’t go on for too long, but we’ll see what happens. I was planning on using some of the morning to maybe play around with SquareSpace, or however you capitalise it, and see what I can do on Julie’s new site design. It’s going to be pretty fun, I know, but just getting started is a little bit daunting. I haven’t even sent her my invoice for last month! I know I have to do that too. It’s just $60 for the whole month of July, because honestly all I did was handle the domain transfer and set up the new hosting account, and her emails. I’ll charge her another $60 for that time I went to her house, and put a clock on the work that I do on the new site design today, that is if I start today. It’s good to have some mental space set aside to work this stuff out. Freelancing is hard! It demands that you know your own worth, and most of the time creative freelancers have faced many many rejections when applying for ACTUAL jobs, so we typically tend to undervalue ourselves anyway. But I suppose I shouldn’t look at this as a cruel piece of irony, more than it is an opportunity to learn how to value myself at what is honestly still the start of my career. I’ve thought about the possibility of working enough freelance jobs and using Sam (boss man) as a resource until I get familiarised enough with the digital marketing and web development industries and can open up my own agency, maybe with Mundell as my head of web development, and me as the head of content and communications. It’s a pipedream for now, because I don’t know if that’s a dream Mundell might want too. But one thing I am certain of is that it’d allow us to work for our own damn selves, and I feel like life would be busy, but very very good. We’ll see what the future holds in store, I suppose.

Lonzo’s looking out the window right now, and now he’s just decided to go back out the open front door. It is genuinely a beautiful day. I’m fighting the urge to go for a walk, but also fuck it I should be able to go for a walk if I want to go for a walk! The grass is still quite long in the front yard, but I’m still loving it. The sunlight is shining right through the longer strands and it looks like the floor is glowing. I feel like I’m in a video game on a very sunny day. It’s sad that I used video games to describe the majesty of the natural world, when video games are merely an ambitious reflection of reality. I just googled ‘Slytherin traits’ to try and remember the world ‘ambitious’ just then, lord almighty. I’ve been spending far too much time inside, and I know it and I hate it. But okay, yeah, so I will in fact go for a walk today. Maybe with Evan, if he’s keen. If I allow him to go stoned, he’ll probably be keen.

I have to do some yoga at some point today because Day 4 of Sarah’s 21 Days is ten minutes of mindful stretching. I was going to do it last night, I almost did about ten minutes worth at work, but I wasn’t happy with a half-hearted attempt, so after these pages I’m going to actually set aside some time with some nice soothing music and just really get into some downward facing dog, some warrior poses, and maybe find some other things along the way in a really nice flow. I remember a lot of the yoga poses from Shining Light’s classes, but I don’t know their names. I’m hoping that sometime soon, I can get together with Wren and do some small exercises. As I type this, I honestly don’t know if that is indeed something I want to do. Maybe not sometime soon. Am I a bad friend? Or am I just my own crazy level of fatigued? It’s hard to keep myself a priority when I am always just concerned about my place in the lives of others. To be fair, I am doing this less and less, but it’s not really a positive change if you’re using work as a distraction from this issue, which is also what I feel I’m doing. I work too much, and sometimes it makes me feel like it means I’m not a failure, but in actuality, I’m skimming multiple fields, and not settling on any specific one. It feels like a patch, sometimes. I mean, it feels like my current working habits allow me to stay stagnant and not even realise it, because there’s a sense of busy-ness, and a sense of things moving. But where am I going? Really? I know I shouldn’t be this analytical, this critical, especially right now because I’m still studying! And there’s a freaking pandemic on. It’s not like I can help this. So why do I keep expecting myself to be doing better than I am? I’m jumping the gun. But that’s just how I am. I’m impatient with myself, and patient with everyone else.

I just took a photo of that last paragraph and wanted to send it to Sarah, but instead I sent it to Wren. Is that meaningful at all? I’m not sure, I feel like maybe I can be totally honest about myself with Wren and Wren won’t judge me for it. I’m genuinely considering putting that last paragraph in the Sarah’s People group chat too, if I’m going to be completely honest. I feel like it may help start up a dialogue that some people may need. If that’s the case, it would kind of be my responsibility to start up this dialogue.

It’s 9:33am, I took a big pause in this writing to feed the boys breakfast, because Nicky had just come running back in through the front door. And now guess what he’s doing? He’s done eating (for now) and has decided to jump up on the dining table and walk all over the place. He almost sat down, and now he’s jumped off again. What a wild turn of events. I legitimately thought he was going to walk toward me, bop my head and attempt to walk all over the keyboard, which is apparently only what he does when he wants to be fed. Goodness, the way he wakes me up in the morning does my absolute fucking head in. I reckon I might actually post that little paragraph in the Sarah’s People chat. Or at the very least, the other chat with Sarah, Amy, Nichole, and I. I don’t know. I think it’s important to reach out to people right now, and I feel like I need to make more of an effort with the girls. I’m hopeful that once lockdown is over, I’ll be more involved, more present. It helps that Sarah and Amy won’t be going to ACSA anymore. Maybe we’ll be able to find a BJJ place that’s closer to our side of town, or at the very least in a central area.

Evan’s just gotten back from the supermarket, I saw the car pulling into the driveway from the service road. I’m a little bit annoyed that I still haven’t finished these pages, but I’m also grateful for the insight this activity has provided me with today. I can hear Evan talking to the dog, and now he’s opened and has walked through the front door. We’re just talking about the shopping trip he’s just done! What domestic bliss.

Ugh, god. I thought these pages would be a breeze to get through because I woke up feeling pretty energetic this morning, but now it’s slightly depressing to me that it’s 9:43am and I’m still going. This shouldn’t take an hour, this is absurd. I mean, I haven’t been writing the whole time, so I shouldn’t feel too annoyed about this. I mean imagine when we’re older and I have to maintain this practice alongside having kids. It’s going to take me a hell of a lot longer some days, and that should be okay. I shouldn’t be too down on myself about that, because it just means that I’m responsible. I feel like I’m just going to have to start getting into the habit of being more emotionally lenient with myself, before I pile more responsibilities onto my life. I want to be a good mother. I feel that increasingly with every year. But in order to be a good mother (or teacher), you need to have life experience and you need to know what the world is like. My mother didn’t really engage too much with how this world really is, until we were all older. And that’s not her fault, that’s something she had to do for herself, and frankly for us too. She didn’t work so she could raise us, and she moved across the world for our benefit. She moved to a place she knew nothing about and was terrified of engaging with because thathi had to work nights and she was alone A LOT. I cannot even begin to imagine what that must’ve been like. All I know is what life is like for me, and I too have had my fair share of challenges, but I feel as though I’ve adopted a strong enough mindset that when things have happened to me, I’m able to roll with them to an extent, and I’m able to take them on board and use them in my own ongoing personal development. I want to impart that value, the value of endurance and persistence, onto my own children. And I can’t do that if I’m too hard on myself. I want to stretch soon, I’m looking forward to it. But I also want snacks! Snacks after stretches, yeeee!

I’m not sure what to do for the last third or so of this last page. There was a weird moment at work when Manny, Joe, and I were talking about how Evan and I almost did LSD this week (we didn’t, I know I forgot to mention that), and I made a statement on how that desire came out of nowhere from him, and Manny said ‘maybe he just wanted really freaky sex’, and I waved him off...and then revealed that ‘yeah, he actually did mention that’, and the boys howled with laughter and I ran the fuck away to the counter where I chatted with Soph for a bit. And Rob was managing today, and we were able to have a pretty nice conversation for the last half hour or so of the day. I miss him, if I’m being completely honest. I like talking to him more than I like talking to a lot of my coworkers, because I feel like we have a lot in common. But I don’t know what’s going on in his head, and it’s a touch terrifying. I mostly just feel bad. Not guilty or anything, just bad that something as DUMB as sexual tension is keeping us from being friends. I mean...I don’t even know if there even is sexual tension at this point. Fuck.

#morningpages #streamofconsciousness #58 #rob #wren #work

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