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tuliptic · 1 year

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How To Overcome Your Fears

Thank you to @bichou-angel for suggesting this PAC idea. Know that I love it a lot.

Piles go from left to right, up to down. Memos and notes used here are by me, everything is literally by me. And I do not consent my work being used by third parties in other websites as well.

Now. Breathe in with me, and then breathe out. Picked your pile? Let’s scroll down to see what are the messages for you.

Disclaimer: This is solely for my entertainment purposes. Take only whatever you feel like it. If it doesn’t resonate, it’s okay to just drop it.

Decks used: Linestrider Tarot Deck, Luna Cat Tarot Deck (Major Arcana), Flower Petals Oracle Deck, Sweet Dreams Oracle Deck, Starcodes Astro Oracle Deck, self made lyrics deck.

Pile 1:

How to overcome your fears? By letting go of what no longer serves you and by embracing your inner child. See, you’re prolly the type of person who loves to take things up upon yourself because you don’t trust others, or you are not comfortable with letting others to do tasks that will affect you (something like group assignment isn’t your forte cuz you tend to do 90% of the scope). It’s not easy to let go, but you have to accept your own flaws as well as the flaws of others. After that, you’ll need to learn to reconstruct the thoughts in your head where flaws are failures. Cuz you see them as something that doesn’t align with you, but sometimes (or most of the time), others may see your method as authoritarian and whatever you do doesn’t align with them. Acceptance is difficult, but it’s necessary, and that’s one of your biggest challenges to overcome. Be here at the present with willing hands and heart.

You may have a lot of nurturing to do, starting with yourself. However, instead of the feminine energy of nurturing, there's more of a… Divine sense to it. Along with some judgement that you really couldn’t help. Lemme give an example.

You came across this PAC. Though your heart tells you to believe it, your brain couldn’t help but to be critical and just tries to deny some random people on the internet telling you that these are your fears and how you can overcome them. Someone online who doesn’t know you personally? Telling you your fears? Overcoming it just by “embracing your inner child”? Hello?

Yeah this kind of divine sense and judgement is what I’m talking about. It is not easy to let go of what you’ve been taught, which is good. But sometimes, you’re called to listen to your heart, only then you’ll be able to obtain a different sense of mental clarity, something that will be able to help you in the near future.

That aside, going back to the nurturing part. You’re called to nurture your inner child and to try again the things you’ve used to enjoy. For example, if you’ve used to enjoy drawing and arts, try going back into it again. If you’ve used to playing a musical instrument or composing music, try going back into it again. If you’ve enjoyed doing algebra equations and all, try going back into it again. It never hurts to do things you’ve enjoyed. Reconnect with your inner child through fun and play, nurture them, help them, heal them. Your life has been filled with a lot of confrontations, so try soothing them a little with some fun.

Pile 2:

Walking away from the past is what you need to do. There’s still so many fears in you because you’re still staying in the place that caused you the most hurt. You couldn’t control the things that have happened, so the better option towards it is to leave. But of course, to leave requires a lot of strength and courage, and it’s gonna be worse if you don't have proper financial assistance to leave. Either ways, you’ll find the courage and the opportunity to get out. There’s The Sun in this pile, but instead of seeing things will turn bright, I’m seeing it as a chance to get out. Toxic situations won’t turn nice cuz it’s already fermented and bad there for so freaking long.

I’m also seeing fears of disappointing others in this pile? Which is why y’all tend to take up a lot of responsibilities and burn yourself out in the process. You have this innate uhh… Expression in you. It’s like deep inside you, you want to shine, you want the eyes of people to be on you. That’s why you took up a lot of tasks, even tasks that should be other people’s responsibility. You want to be liked. Thing is, you need to accept that your inner peace is more important than the visibility and fame you want to gain. Some people can have both, but are you one of them? If you’re not, you need to weigh which is more important, or you need to find a point of balance between these two. Sometimes, a quiet time for yourself, with yourself would be good for some introspection, where you welcome some comfort into your life, allow your guides to show up and send you any messages.

Treat yourself with care, give yourself the kindness that you'd want to receive. Letting go of self-criticism is your main task for now and know that your guides have been trying to send you so many powerful messages. Let yourself be free from your past. Know that your past doesn’t define you and you have a whole lot of abundance waiting for you in the future. It’s difficult to see it right now, it’s difficult to believe in it too. But know that it’s real. You’ve gone through so much, and it only makes sense when the Universe wants to reward you for all you’ve been through.

Take a deep breath, and let it all out. Do it a couple of times. Pat yourself on the shoulder for me. You’ve done well and you’ll continue to do your best of the day every single day. Expect a new you coming out bit by bit. Have some tea and welcome them.

Pile 3:

To all who picked this pile, I feel you a lot, because this is the pile I’ve picked and if it sounds personal, it’s mainly because I prolly subconsciously wrote it for myself.

There’s a lack of balance here, lack of control in this pile. This pile fears not having things in their control and tends to flail around when things happen because. They are not used to going with the flow. There’s this saying in Chinese that goes 船到桥头自然直 , which means things will naturally resolve itself when it’s here. However, my dear pile 3 are probably over-thinkers who can’t accept things to flow on their own. With this, the fear will make you lose your foothold and you’ll feel a lot of disappointments and upsets and a bunch of other not so nice feelings. I wouldn’t call them negative feelings cuz they’re all here for a reason.

You’re also prolly the type who feels caught up in the past, thinking of what you’ve done or said and how you could have fixed the problem if you said a certain thing. Once again, this is peak overthinking energy. You’re called to let those thoughts go, as they’re holding only you back. They’re not disturbing others but you only. Let the past go as it is over, and let your true self, a more experienced you, to step forward. Life’s a constant learning process, so don’t hold yourself too hard, let yourself learn, allow yourself to learn. Once you’ve accepted the fact that we’re all learning, then maybe your fears can lessen a bit. Remember, tomorrow is always a day of new hope.

There’s a childhood card present and it can talk about reconnecting to your childhood, to your inner child. Your inner child is like a divine whisper in your heart and you’re called to listen to it. I saw the word mirror and I think there’s some mirroring of activities (your inner child is mirroring something you do, or you’re mimicking something your inner child is doing), or there may be some reflection going on. Your dreams may be significant as well so maybe pay certain attention to certain themes that have been going on.

You’re called to take action now. Whatever that you’ve been wanting to do, now is the best time. Remember that you’re the co-creator of your life and destiny. A bunch of messages may come, there may be a bunch of things to do. But ultimately, you’re the one who needs to select which message to listen to, which items you should act on. If something’s too much for you to handle and you’re starting to feel anxious, try asking help and working with someone else to get things done?

Once again, remember, you’re no longer the you from the past days. You’re a new you facing a new challenge. Be kind to yourself. You’re facing so many things and it’s alright to let yourself be swept away at times. Remember to get up at the end of things or whenever you wanna fight it. I have faith in you.

Pile 4:

First of all, it’s time to evolve. Know that you may be an ugly duckling for now but it’s time for you to transform into the beautiful swan that you’re meant to be.

Next up. I’m not quite sure what the fears of this pile are, but I see that you tend to distract yourself with new projects so that instead of spending your time worrying about things, you can redirect the energy and focus on something new that you’ve wanted to do. You’re very conscious of your own fears and those who picked this pile have a clear and concise plan on how to manoeuvre around them, letting go of things that should be thrown aside.

However, being aware of your fears doesn’t guarantee overcoming them. Sometimes you’re just moving away from it, ignoring it until one day it prolly gobbles you up. No fault in it cuz you’ll pick yourself up again and find ways to counter it during then. Still, have you thought of countering it when you’re feeling fine right now? Or you’re just confused and have no idea where to start? We’ll see what insights the cards have to offer you.

You’re called to stop taking up so many things and slowly let go of tasks that are burdening you, that are hurting you. There’s this Ten of Swords in reverse here, which tells me the pain they did is more damaging than wearing you down. You’ll need to utilise your thinking skills and let certain things and thoughts go.

Another thing the cards are telling you is to make strong emotional connections with the important people in your life. It’s time for you to reconnect with your old friends and to maybe go for a cup of tea? Comfort of good company always helps in easing and healing past hurts that have been there. I have a feeling that these people are also here to help you to bring certain messages that you need to hear, bring forth certain changes so that you can transition into a new you.

There’s some strength in you that you need to unlock, so maybe it’s time for you to explore certain heritages of yours, and maybe you can get certain information or updates from there. You may even unlock a new skill from it, and it may even help you to be more at peace with yourself.

For some reason, reading also is significant. Pay attention to the words that appear around you and digest those messages. Maybe lyrics. Who knows, certain part of the lyrics may awaken something new in you, or allow you to cry out the tears that you’ve been holding in for so long that you never knew of. Letting them go only gives you space to focus on nicer things in life that can help you cope or deal with your fears.

Pile 4, your pile is one of the most difficult piles I’ve felt and I really hope all the best for you. I don’t know if my words are making sense right now cuz there’s clarity and confusion at the same time. Just drop me an ask or rb or comment if you have any questions and I’ll do my best to answer you.

Thank you for reading until the end. Working on yourself, especially fears and past are not easy, and I’m proud of you that you’ve decided to work on yourself. Remember, it’s all baby steps.

#tuliptic #🌷#pick a card #pick a pile #tarot #tarot reading #this is honestly what i'm most used to in doing #messages for self #introspection and healing kinda thing #which reminds me i should do a pac for self healing #or maybe i dont need to since there's bits and pieces here #FS readings will come back but not this year probably #i'm gonna be busy for the next few weeks hshshshshs #i should catch up with my games as well as cleaning my room #anyways hope y'all enjoy this PAC as well and show it the same support y'all have with my FS readings #once again #i'm doing this for my own entertainment

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starman-jpg · 5 months

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Dirty Little Secret

WC: 4k | TW: None that I can think of

Hey! Long time since I posted something I actually wrote.

Had this idea after listening to this song actually. It sounded fun.

This is not beta read. I would be curious if anyone would want to beta read anything I make before I post it.

If there are any errors, lets pretend like we didn't seem them. Cool?

And for the first time since I got my account, this will be posted on ao3! So feel free to read it here if you want.

Title from "Dirty Little Secret" by The All-American Rejects

Eddie is in Chicago, which is weird.

He’s been to Chicago before. He’s played shows before and has gone clubbing here. That’s not the weird part. It’s weird that he is here and is not expected to do… well, anything.

He’s on a break from performing for a while. He and the band decided it was about time to relax for the first time in years. They’ve been touring on and off for 5 years and making albums in between so it was time to take a well earned break.

Gareth, Jeff and Grant all decided to go back to Hawkins to see their families. They all were going to go to Hawkins originally but Eddie backed out at the last minute.

He was scared to go back. Not because of monsters or anything. But because he didn’t want to run into him.

He doesn’t know what he would say if he ran into him. Probably some dumb shit that would end up with him heartbroken more or looking like a total idiot. Or both.

So obviously, in order to avoid that situation, he decided to go to Chicago.

Chicago is not bad, he likes Chicago. He originally moved to Chicago from Hawkins for a couple months before they all got discovered and moved to LA.

So Chicago is great. But it's not Hawkins. He misses his Uncle Wayne and the kids, who were most definitely not kids anymore. And especially S- Nope! Can’t think about him now. Not now, he needs to relax.

He walks aimlessly around the city before stopping at a small venue with a line out the door. He asked the people around about who’s playing.

He learned that they are a semi-local band with a good following. The front man is drop-dead gorgeous, if the girl's squealing was anything to go by.

Color Eddie intrigued, he’s going to see this band.

He waited in line, got his last minute ticket and was let into the venue. It was small, but nice. Eddie remembered playing at venues like this. There was a stage already filled with instruments, a huge standing area and balcony area, and a bar that was fully stocked.

Eddie gladly took advantage of the bar, getting a beer and headed towards the front of the stage. He didn’t have to be on the barricade, but he’d like to be close. Be in the crowd and enjoy the whole experience.

After a while of waiting, his beer half gone, the lights on stage come to life as the song starts and the crowd goes wild (it spooks Eddie honestly). Eddie looks at the band and freezes when he sees Robin Buckley behind the drums.

When did she join a band?

Shit. Is he here?

He looks frantically around the venue, trying to find that familiar head of hair.

And as if God himself was enjoying his pain, a familiar voice rings through the venue.

Let me know that I’ve done wrong

When I’ve known this all along

I go around a time or two

Just to waste my time with you

Eddie faces the stage and his breath is instantly stolen from his lungs.

Steve

He- he looks fantastic.

Tight black jeans that hug all of Eddie’s favorite parts of him. A sleeveless shirt that reveals a generous bit of skin and some of his scars- oh shit, is that a tattoo?

He squints, acting like that will help him see. Steve raises his arm, pushing his hair back and sure enough, there is something on Steve’s ribs that he can’t make out this far away.

His eyes snap to his face to see a small stud in Steve’s nose. His gaze moves to Steve’s eyes that were lined with black.

Suddenly those beautiful, hazel eyes that he’s memorized look straight at him.

Steve, for the most part, doesn’t look surprised and looks away back at the crowd, singing the chorus and bouncing around stage, clearly having fun if that smile says anything.

Steve moves across the stage, singing and kneels in front of the stage, letting the screaming girls, and a couple guys, touch his hand and up his arm. Steve quickly moves away before he is bodily dragged into the crowd, laughing as he sings.

The chorus goes again and everyone is jumping around, and those who know the lyrics are singing along. Steve smiles, pulls the mic off the stand, and walks along the edge of the stage singing.

The way he feels inside (inside)

Those thoughts I can’t deny (deny)

These sleeping dogs won’t lie (won’t lie)

And all I’ve tried to hide

It’s eating me apart

Trace this line back

Steve holds out the last note, head bent back showing off the veins that pop out of his very biteable neck, before he smiles and dances around the stage some more. His hair is a mess. A very, very hot mess.

Wait. Did Steve say ‘he’?

He ends up in front of Eddie’s section again, once again looking at him.

Steve signals and the instruments back off a little as Steve brings the mic to him, almost whispering into it, not breaking eye contact.

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)

Don’t tell anyone or you’ll be just another regret (just another regret)

Steve winks, fucking winks, as he jumps back to the middle of the stage, to finish off the song.

I’ll keep you my dirty little secret

Don’t tell anyone or you’ll be just another regret

(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)

My dirty little secret , dirty little secret

Dirty little secret, who has to know?

Steve whips around to where Eddie is and shrugs,

Who has to know?

The song ends and the crowd erupts in ear shattering cheers.

Steve laughs happily, waving to everyone and thanking them.

Steve talks a little, welcoming everyone and even introducing the band before they start another song.

The energy is high throughout the whole night. Steve owns the stage. Singing and dancing. And when he pulls out his guitar and starts playing… Well, Eddie is trying his best not to lose it.

The show ends and the crowd starts shuffling out, but Eddie can’t seem to move his legs.

When did this all happen? When did Steve become the front man of a band? When did Steve learn the guitar?

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by a rough tap on his shoulder.

“Are you Eddie Munson?” A security guard asks. Eddie slowly nods. “Cool. The band has requested to see you. Follow me.” And the guard walks off, not waiting for Eddie.

Eddie, finally remembering how to walk, rushes to catch up with the guard who snakes around the back and shows Eddie to the green room. The guard knocks on the door and opens it, announcing Eddie’s arrival. After confirmation, he steps back and allows Eddie to shuffle past him into the room.

He walks in and is instantly bombarded by two very familiar faces.

“Henderson! Little Wheeler! Holy shit hey!” They all hug, laughing.

Mike steps back first, patting Eddie on the pack, “Eddie! Holy shit it's great seeing you again.”

Dustin nods, “Yeah, man, it’s been years. How’s everything? How’s your band?”

“Oh! Yeah, it’s great. Everything’s great. The band is just taking a small break to prepare a new album.” He smiles, “I didn’t- I didn’t see you guys out there.”

“I work behind the scenes, y’know. Audio stuff for the band. And Mike was on stage. You didn’t see him?” Dustin asks.

“On- on stage. Holy shit Little Wheeler, coming very far from our first lesson.”

Mike ducks his head, blushing a little, “Yeah well, had a great teacher, didn’t I?” He gently nudges Eddie, “And when you left, Steve helped.”

Steve helped?

“Steve, yeah. Where- where is he? And Buckley! I saw her behind the drums.”

Dustin was about to answer as the door opened behind him. Eddie turns around and sees Robin enter, “My ears are ringing. Are you talking shit Munson?” She asks playfully, a small smile on her lips.

“Never Lady Buckley, c’mere.” He opens his arms and Robin throws herself at him, laughing as he rocks them side-to-side.

They break apart, “When did you learn how to play? You were so good!” He asks, smiling.

“Aw, thanks Munson, high praise from you. Um, probably like 4 years? Almost 5. I don’t know, it was Steve’s idea. But I enjoy it. Gets rid of all the extra energy, y’know?” She backs up to the couch and sits down, Mike sitting next to her, grabbing his guitar and strumming it idly.

“You were great. You both were great. All of you were great. Um, where is the rest of your band?” He asks sheepishly.

“Another part is behind you.” A snippy voice comes from behind him.

“Max?!” Eddie shouts, and when he turns around, sure enough the little red head is behind him, smirking. “You’re in the band too?”

She nods, walking to sit next to Robin on the arm of the couch. “Last time I checked.”

Dustin, who was checking all the equipment, turns around, slightly waving off Eddie, “Don’t mind him Max. He only recognized Robin and Steve. Didn’t even realize Mike was on stage either.”

Robin looks over at Eddie, her eyebrows raised, a knowing little smile spreading across her face.

Eddie blushed, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Huh… yeah, sorry. But- but you all did so good! I was really impressed.”

They all thank him and continue catching up. Talking about how Eddie and his band are doing. How he’s doing, specifically. They talk for what feels like hours, but is only really 30 minutes.

The whole time, Steve is nowhere to be seen. Eddie is getting a bit antsy.

“Where-” His voice cracks and he quickly clears his throat, “Where’s Steve?”

The kids (are they considered kids still?) look towards Robin. Robin, who clearly was dreading this question, panics.

“He’s, um, he…” Her eyes flit around the room before landing behind Eddie, “Oh thank god.” She whispers, mostly to herself.

Eddie was about to question her before that same voice from tonight comes from behind him.

“Hey, Munson.”

Eddie turns around and again, the air is gone from his lungs.

Steve.

Did he say that outloud, please tell him he didn’t say that outloud.

Steve is in front of him. Actually in front of him. Within reaching distance of him. He could take two steps and be in his arms.

If they were still together… of course.

“Steve… uh, uh… hi.”

Hi?

Seriously Munson, that’s the best you could come up with after 5 years of not seeing the one man that’s been plaguing your mind since you left.

Steve laughs softly, smiling, “Hi.”

Oh! He’s smiling. That perfect, breathtaking smile.

“Hi.” Eddie cringes at himself, where was all his sauve-ness? This is not being really suave-y.

Steve takes another step into the room, still smiling (good sign), “I think we’ve established that we’ve greeted each other.”

Eddie softly laughs, nodding, “Yeah, of course. Um, you were…”

Great. Fantastic. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Hot. So hot that I can’t keep my thoughts straight (no pun intended).

Steve smirks at him, waiting. What was he waiting for? Right! Finish the goddamn sentence.

“Fantastic.” He shouts, startling Steve, “Sorry. Um, you were fantastic.”

Steve laughs again and nods, “Thanks.” Steve looks up and catches Eddie’s eyes.

They’re just looking at each other and everything just seems to be Steve and him.

Steve and Eddie.

Oh, how he wishes they could be Steve and Eddie again.

Someone clears their voice and breaks the two boys' trance with each other.

Eddie turns and sees Robin and the rest getting off the couch.

“We,” Robin gestures to the rest of the band, “are going to go… pack up! Yeah! We’re gonna pack up, you two stay here. Catch up. And we’ll… pack. Yeah…” She finishes off lamely before the four of them quickly rush out of the room, slamming the door behind them.

There is awkwardness between them before Steve sits on the couch, gesturing for Eddie to join him.

“So!” Eddie starts, trying to break the awkwardness, “You’re in a band. That’s new.”

Steve laughs, music to Eddie’s ears, and nods, “Yeah, um, decided to make one. I wrote down a lot of things, lyrics. I made them into songs in my free time and showed them to Robin. She loved them. Said I should sing them for people.” He laughs again, shaking his head like he’s remembering that day specifically. “She signed me up for an open mic, so I couldn’t back down.” He shrugs, looking at Eddie, “People liked them I guess. Got some requests to come back.

Eddie nods, “Robin said you told her to try the drums?”

“Obviously, if I was going to sing, she was going to be with me and she absolutely kills on drums. I tried to teach her some chords on guitar, but she would mess up then freak out in her little Robin way, y’know?. Drums were easier for her, the repetitiveness of it all. At least, that’s what she tells me.”

“And Mike and Max?”

“Ah, well Mike was, um, sad, when you left. He was going to give up guitar since ‘the best guitar teacher in Hawkins’ left. His words, not mine. I ended up helping him too. And Max always wanted to learn the bass. So I helped her out too. We ended up jamming a lot together and the rest is history I suppose.”

“You-” Eddie stops, struggling to find the words, “I- I never knew you played guitar.”

“Ah, yeah. Well,” Steve shrugs, “I kinda grew up playing a lot. Loved it. About Middle School I had to stop. My dad didn’t like that I spent most of my time playing music then sports. Said music for idiots who didn’t stand a chance in the real world. So he signed me up for baseball, basketball, and swimming. Didn’t have much time to play. And I liked sports enough, so it wasn’t torture.” Steve plays with the edge of his shirt nervously, “When you left, I picked it back up.”

Eddie nods, “You never told me. We could’ve played together.”

Steve sighs, “Yeah, well. You never asked.” Steve shrugs again, trying to smile but it did not come through.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. Don’t apologize. You didn’t know.”

Eddie nods, looking at his shoes that could use a good clean.

It’s this that Eddie really wanted to avoid. The awkwardness. Acting like they don’t know how each other feels or tastes. It’s torture.

“That song,” Eddie starts, worried, “The one you started with. Is- Was it about… us?”

Smooth Eddie. Real smooth.

Steve looks around the room, anywhere but Eddie and nods, “Yeah. It is.”

“Oh.”

Steve turns to Eddie, causing Eddie to fully look up now, “It-” Steve huffs and starts again, “It helped me. I mean… I couldn’t tell anyone, anything, y’know?. So, I channeled it into something where I could sing it, and no one knew who it was about.”

“No one knows?” Eddie says, unintentionally sounding relieved.

Steve rolls his eyes and turns back towards the door, “Yeah Eddie. No one knows, your secret is still safe. Don’t worry.”

Shit! He’s screwing this up.

“No! No, no, no. Not like that! Just surprised, is all. Thought you would tell Robin at least.” He tries to joke, which instantly falls and dies on the floor.

“Figured if you didn’t want people knowing we were a thing together, probably wouldn’t like me telling everyone we were ever a thing.” Steve states like it's a fact, “Plus, your name started getting out there. Didn’t need a scandal so early on.”

“Oh, cool. Thanks.” Eddie cringes, he’s doing this all wrong. Shit, he needs to be fixing this.

Steve scoffs and shakes his head, “Yeah, no problem.”

“You could’ve, um, told people… told Robin.” He says sheepishly, hoping it was the right thing to say. It wasn’t.

Steve gets up from the couch, clearly angry, and turns to look at him. “So, after we were together, I could’ve told people. Great Munson. Thanks for that.”

Eddie goes to say something but it’s cut off quickly by a still fuming Steve.

“Eddie, you kept me a secret. For months. No one knew about us! I tried. I tried to just meet your friends, said we could just say we were friends but you freaked until I backed down. I tried dropping stuff off at your trailer when you were sick and you freaked out, saying how people could see me there. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel?

“And I understand, we lived in a small town. But I wasn’t asking for you to kiss me in the middle of town. I was asking you to trust me when I said I knew people who would accept us and protect us if anything got out. But you said no.

“And it got me thinking. Maybe it’s not because you’re scared. But maybe because it was me.” A tear rolls down Steve’s face, but before Eddie could even think of wiping it away, Steve did it. “I know I was an asshole in high school. But I tried so damn hard to be a better person. I tried so hard to change. And I did change. But it wasn’t enough. Not for you.”

“Steve…”

“Did you ever tell anyone Eddie?” Steve stares at him, anger behind his eyes, and a little bit of hope.

Hope that maybe Eddie did tell someone. Hope that Eddie did love him, but he was just scared of the consequences of society and not because Steve was the problem.

Eddie froze, and that gave Steve his answer.

“Of course you didn’t. Didn’t even say we were friends.” Steve shakes his head, crossing his arms and moving further away from him.

“I’m sorry. I- I did want people to know, eventually, but…”

“You left.” Steve finishes for him, void of emotion. “You left Eddie. We argued that night before. I was tired of hiding and I just wanted to tell Robin, but you freaked. So we argued and you stormed out of my house. You left my house. You left Hawkins.” Steve sniffles and looks at him, “You left me.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Stop!” Steve shouts, running his hands through his hair, frustrated, “Stop saying you’re sorry. It’s way too late. No one heard from you for 5 years! All we knew is what the news said. We saw you rise to fame and we thought you moved on from us. So we accepted that. I accepted that!” Steve yells, trying his best not to let tears fall.

“I wanted to come back. I swear, I wanted to come back. I thought about coming back so much. I thought about coming back to-”

“But you didn’t!” Steve yells again, “You never came back.”

Steve looks around, trying to discreetly wipe his face, “Leave, Eddie. You need to leave.”

Eddie freezes, “Steve…”

“Leave.” Steve says sternly, not even looking at Eddie.

Eddie nods, he looks up, begging his tears to not fall. He starts for the door in quick strides, wanting to get out of there fast. As he reaches for the door knob he stops.

He can’t leave. He knew this could end badly, but he’s not running off. Not again.

He hears Steve scoff, “Eddie, seriously. You need to leave. Right-”

“2,157!” Eddie shouts fast, turning around to see Steve staring at him.

“What?”

“2,157. I have thought of nothing but you for 2,157 days.”

Steve still looks confused. Eddie steps towards him, itching to grab Steve’s hand, but thinks better of it.

“There has never been a single day where I haven’t thought of you. Your hair. Your eyes. Your smile. Your laugh… I always thought of you, every fucking day.”

A small tear falls down Steve’s face. Eddie hesitantly reaches out and cups Steve’s face, gently wiping away the tear with his thumb.

“I’m sorry.” He continues, making sure Steve is looking at him, “I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough for us. I was scared. And I ran away the moment I could. And that was so, so, so shitty of me.” He sniffles, feeling his own tears run down his face, “I understand if you want me to leave and never come back. I will. It would break me, but I will. But I can’t leave without telling you…” He looks at the hopeful look in Steve’s eyes, “I love you, Steve Harrington. I always loved you. From the beginning.

“I shouldn't've made you keep us a secret. I should’ve taken your hand and kissed you senseless in the streets of Hawkins. Who would’ve cared? I would’ve been happy to be seen with you. But, I was too much of a coward too. I should’ve showered you in all the love that I felt for you back then. I should’ve made you feel like no one else would ever love you as much as I did. I should’ve made you happy. And, I’m so, so sorry that I ever made you feel less than that.”

Steve stayed frozen, more tears falling down his face.

“Y-you loved me?” Steve croaks out, still looking at Eddie.

Eddie smiles, nodding his head, “Uh huh, still do.” Eddie gently ghosts his thumbs over Steve’s bottom lip, “Still do.”

Steve smiles, letting out a breathy laugh.

“I love you, Steve Harrington. So, so much that it kills me.”

Steve goes quiet. Eddie feels like he catapulted across the line and tries to step back, taking his hand away from Steve’s face. But a hand shoots up and keeps Eddie right where he is.

Eddie looks up at Steve again

“I love you too.” He whispers, even though they are the only ones in the room, “God Eddie, I love you so much.”

Eddie’s shoulders relax and he smiles big, bringing his other hand to hold Steve’s face. “Yeah?” He asks softly.

“Yeah… I love you.”

Eddie smiles and goes to kiss him before stopping. “I- I can kiss you right? Please say I can kiss you.”

“Please, Eddie kiss-”

Eddie doesn’t wait and immediately surges forward to capture his lips. He was expecting something hot and heavy. But it wasn’t that.

It was better.

It was the slow movement of lips together. Something that was laced with love that they have been keeping in for years. Just the gentle slide of lips that did not seek to go further. It felt like it lasted forever, but it was only a couple minutes before they pulled apart and just stared at each other.

“I’m not running away. Not this time. I want you Steve. I need you. And-and if you’ll have me, I’ll make sure I never hurt you. I will hold your hand and-and kiss you in front of the world. And we can tell everyone about us, because I want everyone in this world to know about us and see how happy we make each other.”

“You’re kind of famous Eddie, the world would quite literally know about us. And we still need to be safe. I don’t want you to jeopardize your career-”

“Screw it! Screw it all! If people don’t like that I’m with another man, that sucks for them. But I’m not hiding us. Not again.”

“Eddie…” Steve softly says, as if he’s trying to make Eddie see this logically (which he will not, thank you very much).

“Nope! You can’t change my mind. If my label drops the band we’ll find a new one- or we’ll create one. I have the money. I just… I can’t lose you again.”

Steve searches his eyes and smiles, “You’re serious? You’d jeopardize your career- your dream- for me?”

“It's not a dream if you’re not there Stevie.”

Steve moves and kisses him again, more passionately this time.

“Okay.” Steve says, breaking apart.

“Okay?” Eddie asks, “You want this? You want me?”

Steve smiles, nodding, “It was always you Eds. No one else.”

Eddie laughs and picks up Steve, spinning around. Steve’s laugh fills the air and Eddie could not be happier than in this moment.

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