#i think this was with mariana. i wanna watch that interaction
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day ruined
#i think this was with mariana. i wanna watch that interaction#hope they'll make it available#anyway it's good to know he's seeking help#tw anxiety#anxiety tw#lewis hamilton
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Girls Like Girls (like boys do)
Summary: Emerie volunteers for shelving duty so that she can sneak peeks at the pretty blonde. Mor frequently studies at the library to sneak peeks at the pretty brunette. A modern AU oneshot.
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Emerie noticed her the moment she entered the library. In fact, she noticed her on her very first day after moving from Windhaven. The way she walked down the hallway with her friends, gorgeous face lit with laughter. With a brightness that took Emerie's breath away.
Morrigan Keirson.
Captain and reigning champion of the fencing team. Daughter of the mayor of Hewn City and the niece of the Governor of Velaris. Rumoured to be engaged with the Vanserra heir. Yet, Emerie could not stay away even if her life depended on it. Could not fend off the infatuation which grows with each small interaction every time Mor comes to the library.
"I'm going to go shelf the books." She abruptly informed Nesta.
"Uh-huh." Nesta hummed knowingly, looking up from the latest Sellyn Drake novel to give Emerie a knowing stare. "You should just ask her out already. Instead of pining from a distance."
"Morrigan's here?" Gwyn, the other librarian, chimed in. Nesta's lips curled upwards into a teasing smirk. Emerie blushed and scowled. "Have I been that obvious?"
"Painfully." Nesta drawled. "You head straight for the shelves the moment she arrives and disappears for an hour." Emerie felt her ears warmed.
"She watches you too, y'know? When she thinks you're not looking." Gwyn added. "Winter break starts tomorrow. Perfect to share some hot chocolate and cuddle over a roaring fire." She wagged her eyebrows. Emerie flipped her off in response and walked towards the tray full of books to be shelved.
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"Are you heading to the library again?" Cassian asked in disbelief, "Today is the last day of the school term."
Mor swallowed. Deciding to go for a half truth, she answered, "My father expects me back in Hewn City for winter break. I need to get ahead of my assignments." Cassian does not need to know about the pretty brunette who works in the library.
Emerie Quintana.
The brunette who caught Mor's attention the first day she moved here from Illyria. Spotted her a mile away sprinting on the track with the speed and grace of an Illyrian angel. The Illyrians were renowned for their athletic prowess but Emerie seemed to do it with such effortless grace. It was breathtaking. When she realised the Illyrian worked part-time at the public library, she could not stay away.
And that was how Mor found herself sitting alone in a secluded corner of the library on the last day of the school term. Having given up on getting any further work done on her holiday assignments, Mor switched her screen from Microsoft Word to Netflix.
"Studying hard?" A lilting voice teased, startling Mor who promptly yanked the earbuds off. Emerie gave a playful smile, arm full of books. She ignored the butterflies in her belly and replied in what she hoped was a confident and flirty tone, "School's out."
"Indeed it is." Emerie grinned. "So why are you at the library alone watching the L word instead of out having fun?"
Mor's face flushed and replied sheepishly, "It's my favourite show." To her surprise, Emerie's grin widened as she gushed softly, "Mine too."
Mor felt her heartbeat quickened. Of course, liking the L word did not mean one was into girls but there was definitely a correlation, right?
"What are you doing later? Do you wanna grab dinner?" Emerie asked, her tone deceptively light but Mor swore she saw some nervousness in her eyes.
"I would love to."
Emerie's answering smile could have lit up the deepest corners of the Mariana trench.
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Emerie rushed back to the staff room of the library as quickly as she could. Once in the room, she snapped the door shut and punched a victory fist into the air and squealed. The room door immediately opened and Gwyn poked her head in.
"Good news?"
"She agreed to dinner later."
The trio spent the remainder of her shift helping Emerie plan the dinner. By the end of the shift, she had her evening planned out. She waved bye to her best friends (who waved back with the most infuriating smirks on their faces) and checked her phone one last time to confirm the route to the eatery before meeting Mor outside the library.
"Shall we?"
Mor smiles, "We shall."
The two walked in a slightly awkward silence when Emerie felt an arm thread around hers. She looked at Mor in surprise and found her facing forward stiffly with a resolute look. Emerie bent her elbow to curl her arm and gripped back Mor's arm. Immediately, Mor's stance relaxed.
"Where are we going?"
"Have you been to Rita's?"
"Shut up. Really?" Mor gripped her arm tighter and gave her an incredulous look, "I love Rita's" Emerie internally sighed in relief and made a mental note to treat Nesta to coffee to thank her for the recommendation.
"I'm glad! I've never been but my friend said the place has great live music and food is really good too."
"The other two girls who work at the library with you?" Mor questioned. Emerie nodded in response, "Gwyn and Nesta. We share an apartment, they were the first friends I made when I moved to the city. I would have never been able to adjust so quickly otherwise."
Mor smiled gently, "They sound nice."
"Well, they could be right bitches when they want to be." Emerie laughed.
"I would love to meet them properly next time."
"I'll introduce you." Emerie's chest warmed at the implication. The two soon found themselves at the restaurant and were shown to their seats, a table by the window overlooking the Sidra river. Emerie made a second mental note to upgrade Nesta's treat to a lunch for securing the great table.
"So what are you doing over the break?" She asked casually while they were waiting for their food to arrive.
"I'm returning to Hewn City." Mor replied quietly, voice pained. Emerie didn't miss the way her hand closed tightly into a fist, knuckles turning white, and her heart ached in understanding. Before she could second guess herself, she wrapped her hands around Mor's. Looking into the blonde's eyes, Emerie realised no words needed to be spoken. She gets it.
The moment was over when Mor's gaze was torn away and focused on another person walking into the restaurant. Emerie followed her gaze. Eris Vanserra. His eyes locked on to their table.
Almost instantly, Mor wrenched her hand out of Emerie's. She tried not to let the gesture get to her but the hurt in her chest told her otherwise. She watched as the redhead gave Mor a curt nod before turning around to leave. Her date gave an imperceptible sigh of relief.
"Are the rumours true?" She asked quietly.
Mor took a breath and swallowed thickly, "Yes and no." She paused, face scrunched up into a frown which Emerie thought had no reason to look as adorable as it did. "My father did try to set something up but I said no. The conversation between us didn't go so well and I moved here the following week."
"My father is the reason I moved here as well."
There was no pity in Mor's gaze, just one of mutual pain and understanding. Just like that, it was like the Vanserra never walked into the restaurant. Just two kindred souls sharing a moment.
The pair was walking along the rainbow bridge by the Sidra after dinner, arms still intertwined with the other. Mor stopped abruptly, surprising Emerie.
"I don't want the evening to end just yet, " She explained sheepishly and turned to face the river, body leaning forward to rest against the railing. A heat filled Emerie's chest. She took Mor's hand in hers, "The evening ends only when we want it to."
Mor turned to face Emerie, her face impossibly close. Emerie felt her heart stutter. "Tell me that you feel it too." She breathed. Mor answered by leaning in to close the gap, lips slanting over hers.
It was electrifying. The blonde's lips were soft and warm. Emerie deepened the kiss and was rewarded with one hand coming up to close around the back of her neck and the other circling around her waist to pull her in closer. Her tongue brushed against the Illyrian's lower lip and was granted entrance instantly. Time stood still and the world dissolved around them.
The pair broke the kiss to come up for air, both flushed. Mor smiled cheekily, "I definitely felt that." Emerie laughed and pulled her in for another kiss and another and another.
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Hellooo!! I love love LOVE the diamond box matchup you did!! You're amazing!! Your blog is incredible!! Now I'm here for a romantic haven box Haikyuu matchup pls🥺
Appearance: My name is Kay! She/her, black, straight, 5'1, I have a slightly athletic & curvy-ish figure (lol idk), short-ish hair(like mid-neck), dark brown eyes, shoe size 9, I like to dress comfy so I'm always in oversized hoodies, sweatpants, sneakers, sweatshirts and shorts. I like colorful clothes too, high waisted jeans and shorts and boots. I'm not very fashionable but I try lol.
Personality:
Basics: infp-t, Hufflepuff, Taurus sun, scorpio moon, sanguine, chaotic good, ambivert.
Some positive traits: I'm optimistic, friendly, energetic, organized, enthusiastic, observant, happy, open-minded, loving, encouraging and inquisitive!!
Some negative traits: I'm annoying, perfectionist, insecure, forgetful, easily distracted, kinda lazy, argumentative, too nice at times and clingy.
I love learning new things!! Currently I'm learning Korean, how to draw, how to paint and songs on the saxophone.
When I'm up for it, I love fun physical activity!! Going for a hike, going to the gym, bungee jumping, mountain climbing, going camping and etc :D
Although I love going out, nothing beats lazy days at home. I can spend hours by myself and still be happy. When alone I usually sleep or watch a movie/anime or practice my drawing or saxophone or try and learn something new!
I have a horrible memory and can never remember important dates 😭 I've forgotten my own birthday a few times (rip) so people can get mad at me for missing appointments, forgetting birthdays and other important days. I try my best to organize everything necessary on my phone calendar so I can be reminded.
I love seeing people happy! Nothing can fulfill my day more than knowing I put a smile on someone's face! I usually try my best to help out anyone who needs it and to the best of my ability! This has led to me getting taken advantage of in the past but I can't help but try and make others happy. I've developed a thicker skin and some trust issues as I've grown up because of it.
I love hyping my friends/family up!! Do you need a boost in confidence? Here I am, ready to help you remember the absolute king/queen/royalty that you are!! I'm usually very energetic and enthusiastic about many things and I love spreading positivity around!!
My love language is physical touch! So touch is very important to me in my relationships. Though I am insecure so I tend to think that I smother the people I care about with too much affection idk lol. I live for hugs and cuddles and hand holding 👉🏿👈🏿 but because of that I feel like I'm very clingy and annoying skskfksjd
I'm introverted in nature so although I mean usually full of energy and love making new friends, I can't do it for too long lol. My social battery runs out really fast and I have to hide away and recharge before I can be fully social again, otherwise I won't be my best self. I treasure personal time and understand when people need time for themselves too.
I love spontaneity!! I love living in the moment and doing stuff just for the hell of it!! Wanna go on a road trip? Dance in the rain? Build houses for charity? Go to McDonald's at 2am? Go on a long walk? SIGN ME UP!!
I can also be lazy and unmotivated to do stuff. If something doesn't interest me, I'd find myself incapable of doing it or I'd do it with great difficulty. I'm one of those 'do something when inspiration/motivation hits you otherwise it'll be absolute shit' types.
But when I do have motivation/inspiration that's when my perfectionism comes in and I have to do it in the best possible way and anything less is an insult to me, my family, my ancestors and descendants lmaoo. Unfortunately I subconsciously set a very high bar for myself which can be overwhelming and stressful but when I manage to produce work of that quality, it's very satisfying and rewarding jshkshdhsj
I have more to add but I feel like this is getting way too long 💀 lemme just move to the next section heheheh
Hobbies: I LOVE listening to music, learning new things, watching movies/anime, sleeping, reading, writing, playing saxophone (I'm still learning tho lol), swimming, drawing, journaling, making friends, and cooking!
My music taste: any type of rock (punk rock, grunge, j-rock, metal), pop, KPOP, RnB, jazz, dubstep, lofi hip hop, rap, trap, krnb, anime OP's and bangers from: Elvis, the beach boys, Queen, Khalid, Ateez, Harry styles, Kendrick Lamar, p!atd, mcr, fallout boy, Nirvana, BTS, mxmtoon, Marianas trench, twenty one pilots, stray kids, Jay Park, crush, Dreamcatcher, Skrillex, MJ, troye sivan etc
Fun facts:
I'm more of a cat person but I live dogs and think they're adorable!!
I have four piercings and I plan on getting more soon!!
I'm a night owl, and get super grumpy in the mornings especially when woken up unexpectedly >:/
Although I love making friends, I only have like 1/2 super close friends and like 20+ acquaintances lol
I want to get a tattoo soon but idk what to get :(
I'm super addicted to coffee (rip) and if I don't take some for some time (like a week) I'll get the worst migraines and I won't feel better until I drink some coffee 😭
That's it!! I hope i wrote enough stuff!! Did I leave anything out? If you need more pls tell me and I'll send another ask :D Take your time!! I'm in no rush. I'll patiently wait even though you get writers block or have a large amount of asks 😌 pls stay safe and healthy!! Drink lots of water, sleep well and have an amazing day/night!! 💙✨
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Dream catcher loading...
ɴᴏᴡ ʟᴏᴀᴅɪɴɢ
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Hello and Welcome my Starlight!
The Haven box includes:
- Match up
- Sun drop
- Journal of Feelings
- 3 am shenanigans
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I'd match you up with
Sugawara Koushi, Vice-captain of Karasuno
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Sun drops
- OKAY so like, as I read your description I thought of Akaashi or Yaku or Sugawara
- Me being the indecisive author I am had trouble picking
- But then I remembered that you loved to do spontaneous things.
- And that's when I realized that Sugawara is THE ONE
- You two would be deemed the "3 am couple"
- Or in the team it would be "Epitome of Chaos"
- He takes care of you
- He will alway remind you that you don't need to be perfect
- Insecurities? BE GONE
- Nagativity? BE GONE
- That's basically his motto
- He is both your mom and partner in Crime
- did I mention he will take care of you?
- CUDDLES AND KISSES FOR DAYS
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Journal of feelings
- Once this man realizes that you LOVE physical affection. He will give it to you. EVERYTIME HE SEES YOU
Kay entered the gym to watch her boyfriend play. She tried sneaking in and so far it has been great. She thought she was off the hook but then felt a familiar arms wrapped around her waist. "I found you~" Sugawara said with a smile.
- You both would often plan pranks and majority of the times, it would succeed
"Okay okay, so what are we doing today?" Kay asked the silver haired male. "Oh~ maybe we can scare Asahi or anyone for that matter with a beetle?" Sugawara suggested. "That's--no," Kay responded.
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3 am shenanigans
It’s 3 am in the morning. Almost everyone is fast asleep or in their homes, well almost. The night sky is littered with diamond in the sky. The streets were silent but it was comforting. A few people walked here and there. And a few cars passes by there and here. “What are we doing up so late?” A silver haired man said as he yawned. “We’ll be going to Mc Donald’s! What else?” The female responded as she smiled at him. “Is it even open at this time?” He asked. “Koushi, darling, it is open,” Kay, the lover of our beloved silvered male man said as she smiled. Sugawara chuckled and held her hand, the smile on his face was evident. “You know, we should be sleeping by now right?” He said as he pulled her closer. “And so what? I wasn’t planning on sleeping early! I slept the whole day yesterday and missed the chance to hang out with you,” The girl responded.
A small blush appeared on the male’s face and he giggled. “That’s very sweet bu-“ He was about to say but was silenced by the girl. “That was very sweet but we could’ve done this later on or tomorrow. Well, sorry to break it to you, Love. But, we are here,” She said as she pulled the male inside the fast food chain. And soon enough, the two got their orders and enjoyed their meal. “I don’t know why but this hits different,” Kay said as she eat a French fry. “It really does. Especially since you are here,” Sugawara stated as he patted her head. Now, she was the one blushing. As the two chatted, the other customers and staff glanced at them every now and then. None of them were annoyed at their interactions. On the contrary, they enjoyed watching them,
Some felt envious of their relationship. Some dreamt to have something like that. And others remembered the times of old. The two were so sweet, it’s almost too much. Laughter and chattering echoed through the building from both the couple and the people around them. Then they were dub the “3 am couple” as the two would often venture in that restaurant at 3 am in the morning.
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Author's note
I'm so so sorry for the long wait! This week has been hectic. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this matchup~ and thanks for requesting!
#☁️matchup#haikyuu matchups#haikyuu!!#haikyuu matchup#fanfic#anime#fiction#sugawara koushi#sugawara kōshi#Sugawara#sugawara headcanon#match ups#hq matchups#hq sugawara#Anime matchups#BlackPearl
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You’re Not Alone Pt. II
Warnings: None! Some Fluff/A Little Angst. Enjoy!
Clyde’s been home for a while, but doesn’t have a job yet. The reader sees a listing on a bulletin board and makes a move.
----
Adjusting to life without his hand was frustrating for Clyde. In the first few days he was awake and still in the hospital, his arm was still very swollen and hurt, but you were with him as much as you could be. He appreciated that a lot and loved finally having you near him again after months of wishing, infrequent letters and day dreaming. You only left for your work and to get a change of clothes while he was in recovery. You were there when the doctors said he could be released from the hospital because there hadn’t been any complications with the operation and no blood clots, thank goodness. The doctors told him he couldn’t be in better health, but whenever the doctors told him that, Clyde always thought “besides the arm” to himself. After being released from the hospital in the car hime, Clyde was excited to go home for the first time in a long while, but the thought also made him sad because of how different things would be.
The moment he stepped back into the trailer, he almost started to cry. Nothing had changed. The furniture was still the same. The decor was a tiny bit different. There was a new framed photo of you and him on the shelf, the TV was newer, and there was a vase of fresh flowers with a welcome home card in the coffee table. Even with these slight differences, it was almost as if he’d never left, but he knew that wasn’t true because he had a missing hand to show for it.
“Welcome home,” you’d said to him, reaching up to kiss him on the cheek with a warm smile. “What are you thinking about, Clyde?” you asked, knowing he’s got something heavy in his mind.”
“Darlin’ I don’ know if I can do this...,” he replied. “I feel so weak... I don’t think I can ever take care of myself... Nobody’s gonna want a one-armed employee.”
“You aren’t weak, Clyde. I know you and you are one of the strongest people I know. I know it feels strange and a bit hopeless now, but it’ll be a process. We’ll work this out together. I’m sure of this. One step at a time, Clyde,” you reassured him, saddened that he was hurting. You’d led him back to the bedroom where you snuggled all through the night for the first time in forever. Clyde felt like he never wanted to let go.
After that day, you both rolled into a routine. You’d both get up. Clyde would take his meds and take a shower, taking extra care on cleaning his stump. He’d put on his compression garment and change clothes. All of this was an adjustment and it took a while to get used to doing with only one hand.come out to the kitchen and help you prepare breakfast, smiling each time you’d make the bacon extra crispy like he likes it. After eating together, you’d go off to work and kiss him goodbye. You’d come home after work and tell him about your work stories, which he always listened to intently, laughing at your jokes. Of course, you’d always as him how his day was, too, and he shared as much as he could. Sometimes, he’d go to the store or try a new hobby, all of which almost never worked out. Sometimes, Mellie or Jimmy would come by to check on him, but he days were long for Clyde. You’d noticed he was getting twitchy and bored, and you begun to think of ways to change that.
“Have a great day, y/n!” your boss says as you leave work after your shift. You wave at her as you head for the door, but a poster on the bulletin board catches your eye.
“Hey, Mariana?” you call as you step closer to get a better look. “Can I take this poster? I think Clyde might wanna look at it.”
“Go for it,” she replies, walking away. You say your thanks as you remove the paper from the board, folding it neatly. As you drive home, you’re smiling to yourself, trying to think of a way to tell Clyde your idea. Soon enough, you pull into the driveway and park your car. You rush inside to see Clyde watching the TV, beer in hand.
“Darlin’!” he smiles as you come over, giving him a proper kiss on the mouth. He pulls you down to sit next to him on the couch, and you wrap your arms around him “How was your day?”
“Work was normal, but I have something to tell you,” you say. “Can I turn down the TV a bit?”
“Must be serious,” Clyde jokes as you reach for the remote.
“So. I was leaving work and I saw... this on the notice board. Take a look,” you say, producing the poster from your pocket. Clyde puts down his beer on the table and takes it from you and unfolds the paper, reading carefully. “The bar off the highways’s owner is retiring and he’s selling the space. I was thinking we could go and check it out tomorrow for our Saturday outing.”
“Why?” Clyde asks, a bit puzzled.
“I thought you might be interested in buying it. Getting back to work. I’ve noticed you seem sad lately. As much of a quiet stoic man you are, I know you like to see people. And I know that you’ve always wanted to learn to make a good drink,” you say, trying to convince him.
“I don’t know, Darlin’... My hand and all... I’m afraid no one ‘d come to a bar owned by someone like me, especially if I’m the bartender ‘n’ all,” he mumbles, looking down at his prothesis and raising it to you. You sigh.
“Clyde... I know it’s hard, but you’ve adapted to doing things so well so quickly. You’re a quick learner and I’d think this would be really fun. I don’t want to force you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but at least consider it? I don’t like seeing you all mopey,” you smile, wrapping your arms back around him, tucking your head in the crook of his neck.
“Alright...”
“Hmm?”
“I’ll come and take a look at the space tomorrow. You’re right. I should be gettin’ out more and this is just a first step,” Clyde agrees.
“Yes!” You exclaim, kissing him again.
“I think this’ll be really good for me,” Clyde smiles. “Thanks for suggestin’ it.”
~~~
After you both get up, you head out in the car towards the bar. As he pulls up to the bar, you can see Clyde’s getting more excited. Stepping out of the car, you both walk up the stairs outside and go up to the door where Clyde knocks on it. You smile at him and encouraging look and he takes your hand in his. An old man opens the door wearing a worn down grey shirt with a couple holes in it and a pair of army green cargo shorts.
“Hey, are you John?” Clyde asks.
“Yep,” the man says, taking a drag from his cigarette. “
“We saw your flyer about sellin’ your space. Is it still available?” Clyde asks as John eyes him a bit, which makes Clyde worry. Had he already sold the bar? Were they too late?
“You look familiar,” John says.
“I do?” Clyde asks, almost squeaking.
“You’re one of them Logans, ain’t ya?” John exclaims, pointing a finger at Clyde, and Clyde nods his head, thinking he already blew it.
“I remember... A while ago your brother Jimmy came in and told me all about his brother in the military... Seems you’re that brother,” John explains, a slight smile on his face as he recalls his encounter.
“Right you are and this is my girlfriend, y/n” Clyde responds, relieved that that that interaction didn’t turn south.
“Come on in, you both. Don’t be shy,” John says, leading the way. Inside you immediately see the bar that sticks out from the wall near the entrance, but the space opens up to reveal a large space with the occasional wood column that includes some sitting areas and a couple of pool tables. The walls are wood and have beer posters on them. Some of the surfaces look a bit dusty.
“Nice bar you got, John,” Clyde comments.
“Yeah, She got some good bones. The location’s good, too. There’s people who come in as regulars and then the passer by from the highway. It’s got AC an’ everythin’” John explains, pointing around the place to show it off. “What do you think?”
“I think it’s great,” Clyde smiles. “What’s your impression, Darlin’?”
“I can see you being really happy here Clyde... but it’s your decision, really,” you smile. “How do you feel?”
“I feel good. Hey John, can I see the back?” Clyde asks, pointing to a door marked with the sign “employees only.” John nods and beckons Clyde behind the bar. You wave him on to tell him to go without you. He disappears with John through the door, leaving you to walk around the main space.
As you look around, you can really start to see how Clyde can make the space his own. He could put some neon signs up and add some nice lighting to the back, so it’s not so dark. You look to the side and see a dusty old jukebox that hasn’t been used in 10 years, but you can imagine Clyde fixing it up and filling it with Bob Seger, classic rock, and old country music. The chairs are a bit run down, but you know someone who can reupholster them at a discount.
You look back to see John and Clyde emerging from the back with smiles on their face. They’re laughing and John sticks his hand out for Clyde to shake, and Clyde takes it eagerly.
“I’ll be hearin’ from you Mr. Logan,” John says. “Travel safe.”
Clyde rushes back to you and takes your hand excitedly, taking you back out to the car. As you climb in, you can feel the happiness radiating from Clyde.
“What happened?” you ask, knowing what happened already, but wanting to hear it from him. You smile, looking at the lovable goofy smile Clyde has plastered on his face.
“I just bought a bar,” Clyde says.
“Oh my god! Clyde! That’s so great!” you exclaim.
“... and I have you to thank for it. Thanks for encouraging me to do it. I got his phone number in my pocket and we’ll talk paperwork in the next few days.”
“That was fast! I didn’t expect you to make a decision today! Clyde I’m so happy for you,” you gasp, pulling him towards you for a hug. He wraps his arms around you and kisses you gently on the cheek. You giggle as you feel his beard tickle you as it brushes against your skin.
“I think this was a good decision,” Clyde smiles. “This means I’ll be workin’ again... and maybe you could come work with me too?”
“Really? You’re serious?” you say, a bit surprised. “You want me tow work with you?”
“Of course. I love you and I’ve already spent too much time away from you and people who work at bard have crazy late hours ‘n’ all...” he reasons.
Clyde! Of course I’ll come wrk at the bar with you!” you say to him, grabbing the sides of his head, kissing him on the lips this time. You break away, both of you smiling like idiots. “So, Mr Business owner. What’s next?”
“I was thinkin’ a name for it,” Clyde replies.
“Oh? Did you have any ideas?”
“Duck Tape,” Clyde says after a few moments of silence and the name makes you both grin, knowing this’ll be the best thing you’ll have done together yet.
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Tagged by @v-v-e-g-a !!! ♡♡♡♡♡
Tag #1
1. Icon: Beehunter from Arknights
2. My content: This is my main/personal blog so it's mostly just reblogs of funnyman jokes, Helpful References/Tips, and interests I'm either too lazy or not enough into to make a sideblog for (JJBA, Animal Crossing, Castlevania [debatable], etc.)
3. Letter colour: I'm assuming this is blog title color so--white.
4. Header: a screencap of Invader Zim saying "PHASE TWO" but instead it says "HOES MAD". I need to change it tbh but idk to what.
5. Url: I love vampires AND thigh high socks,,,,Could I Make It Anymore Obvious
6. Blog title: From one of those phrase/word generators I forgot why I used it, but I really liked the phrase even though I'm really bad at poetry...
Tag #2
Who were you named after?: I Vibed(tm) with Maid Marian from the Disney Furry Robin Hood Movie as a kid but I wanted it to be more gender neutral so now I'm Mr. Mosbey ☆ Ellis is similar enough to my deadname so I can get onto family and the like for "forgetting"
Last time you cried?: I don't have a concept of time so I don't remember so,,,,,maybe a week or two?
Do you like your handwriting?: I guess? It's pretty a looking blend of print and cursive but it can be hard to read if you're reading it for the first time :(
What is your favorite lunch meat?: FRIED BOLOGNA. If cooked doesn't count idk honey ham or turkey I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Longest relationship?: 2 years. Don't Ask.
Do you still have your tonsils?: Yup.
Do you bungee jump?: Nope!
What is your favorite kind of cereal?: Honeycomb, w/ French Toast Crunch as a close second. But tbh as long as its not bland like cheerios or corn pops/puffs I'll live.
Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: I DESPISED tying my shoes as a kid idk why so I always slip mine off.
Do you think you’re strong willed?: Not particularly, I think? I'm a people pleaser but I'm also stubborn as hell so....
Favorite Ice Cream?: Birthday Cake!!! French Vanilla or Wedding Cake is good too--anything really REALLY vanilla-y is top notch.
What is the first thing you notice about a person?: Their smile and I guess like...idk how to put it....their Build? Like if they're lanky with broad shoulders or tall 'n buff or short 'n stocky, stuff like that.
Football or baseball?: I only attend football games for the Marching Band halftime shows
Favorite donut?: Anything filled with cream or custard tbh. Maple-flavored dunkin donuts donuts are good too, though.
What are you listening to?: A lot of Vouge Remixes/Music apparently? Like DJ Boyfriends and stuff. I like high-energy beats.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: A deep jewel tone that's labelled "peacock" but you can't really tell if its a green or blue until you use it.
What is your favorite smell?: Vanilla Bean Noel from Bath and Body Works, Honeycomb, and Harry's Pomegranate-Spice Blend Soap (really specific I Know). Hairspray always smells really sweet to me idk why people say they hate the smell???
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?: My D&D group (5 HOURS!)
Hair color?: Too dark to be blond, too light to be brown. I wanna dye it either that jewel toned blue again or black, but I don't feel like buying hair dye rn.
Eye color?: Brown brown brown! FUCK what anyone says brown eyes are the BOMB my entire family has either green or blue eyes so I've spent TOO LONG self-depreciating over that shit.
Favorite food to eat?: Lemon Cake w/ mascarpone is soooo good. Nothin tops Hoppin' John with Wild Rice though.
Scary movies or happy ending?: Happy Endings. I'm not (that) much of a sap but Scary Movies sometimes really work up my anxiety :(
Last movie you watched in a theater?: Once Again, time is an illusion but I think Frozen 2? NO it was Birds of Prey! Loved it.
What color shirt are you wearing?: A black State Marching Band Championship hoodie.
Favorite holiday?: Halloween by default since a good 80% of holidays are boring.
Beer or wine?: I've only had (dessert) wine but I didn't really like it so neither I guess. I don't see myself liking beer anyways.
Night owl or morning person?: Night Owl but God likes to punish me so I always wake up at 6/7/8 even when I don't need to anyways.
Favorite day of the week?: Tuesday or Friday? Time isn't real, dude.
Favorite animal?: BATS BATS BATS!!! I have a plushie of a Mariana Flying Fox I got from the zoo as a wee kid and I WUV THEM their name is Mango :3c. I also like peacocks because of their colors, & hummingbirds because they remind me of my grandmother and how they zip around!
Do you have a pet?: 3 cats (Meimei, Rico Suavé, and my dearest darlingist loudest witch cat Mina) and 3 dogs (Emmy, Jake, and Gucci "Chupi" Chupacabra).
Where would you like to travel?: Japan (b/c I'm a weeb and I've wanted to since middle school), but tbh visiting just about anywhere would be cool, especially in Europe just because I keep slacking on language learning. My family vacations for Food mainly so anyplace with good, different grub than Southern Landlocked USA is 👌👌👌👌.
♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡
I never know who to tag in these ddgdkddjkskabcksbals uhhhhhh @binch-im-stressed @screamingredpanda @6fangs @foolishrats @wondertainment & any mutuals or ppl who constantly interact because I'm writing this in my notes app and never use desktop tumblr so I can't really keep track of my mutuals like everyone else (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)
#DON'T WORRY @ MUTUALS I SEE YOU I JUST HAVE SHIT MEMORY#There's also ppl who constantly like/rb stuff from me and idk if i follow their sideblog or somethin' & I'm too nervous to tag you all#BUT I SEE YOU#persephone-boi.....ratarcade............zozzles.....I See U and tag u but like.....telepathically....lowkey...only if u wanna
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okay… all uneven numbers for the ask game 🙃
OOF sjdskjd ok
1. 3 Fears
death, people leaving me and my loved ones being in danger/unsafe/hurt
3. 2 turns on
like… bitchiness and sassiness hhhhh, and dirty talk
5. My best friend
i have a few and i don’t wanna list them in case i miss someone! but one of them is @billythemuppet
7. How tall am I
6′4″-5″, i’m not 100%, i need to be measured again
9. Favourite color
brown and green
11. Favourite place
my bedroom i guess? i don’t go out much dhfdjhfd
13. Shoe size
answered already!
15. Hair color
naturally, brown. it’s kind of ginger-y brown rn?? like the gingers washed out quite a bit but there’s some bits still in there
17. Favourite song
i have so manyyyy but one is rhythm of your heart by marianas trench
19. How I feel right now
answered!
21. My current relationship status
single
23. Favourite season
winter!
25. Tattoos and piercing I want
answered!
27. Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
every so often, but it’s quite rare
29. How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
like 10 mins??
31. Where am I right now?
home in my bedroom
33. Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
yep. you think i can afford living somewhere on my own? lol. in this economy?
35. Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
nope! i have like… a few guy friends but they’re more like colleagues
37. If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
my ozzie!!! i wanna see her so bad ughhfsndg
39. Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
answered!
41. Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
neither lmao i hate both
43. Do I believe in magic?
i think so! some things just can’t be explained by science!
45. What’s the weather like right now?
cloudy and cool, lil bit rainy (not enough rain imo)
47. Do I have any nicknames?
jae and eddie
49. Can I touch my nose with a tounge?
yep!
51. What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
uhhhh watching got i think
53. What is my favorite word?
i have a few! tourniquet, spelunking, fuck
55. If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
be good to people in retail and customer service fuckers
57. What is my current desktop picture?
it’s standard windows 10 rn i need to change it!
59. Bought condoms?
nope
61. Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
answered!
63. Smoked weed?
yep
65. Drank alcohol?
yep
67. Been overweight?
i am rn
69. Gotten my heart broken?
oh yes. it’s the literal worst lmao
71. Been in airplane?
yep
73. Wore make up?
like… twice in my life. it just Does Not look good on me lol
75. Had a surgery?
nope
77. Stalked someone on a social network?
nah
79. Been rejected by a crush?
many times
81. Do I like my handwriting?
it’s okay i guess
83. Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?
uhhhhHHH… i’ve definitely been caught doing something bad but i can’t remember what exactly lol
85. What my greatest achievments are
uhhhhhh… getting a job i guess?? that’s like It i have 0 ability
87. What I’d do if I won in a lottery
definitely visit my oz
89. My closest Tumblr friend
@billythemuppet
91. Are you outgoing or shy?
pretty outgoing! i love social interaction
93. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
doubtful lmao
95. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
@billythemuppet again probably lol
97. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
hmmm
recipe - wild partymonster - the mowglisgood boys - josie dunnebad love - sleeping wolfcabin fever - luna blake
99. Do you think there is life on other planets?
probably…
101. Do you like your neighbors?
they’re okay i guess. we don’t talk much
103. Favorite part of your daily routine?
getting home after work lol
105. What do you do when you wake up?
go on my phone for 15 min so i wake up properly
107. Do you ever want to get married?
ew no
109. Would you rather live without TV or music?
ughhh i hate this!! music i guess. bc tv doesn’t include movies does it..?
111. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
i do most of my shopping online LOL but i guess various charity shops
113. Do you smile at strangers?
sometimes, depends on my mood
115. Ever wished you were someone else?
i used to a lot but not rn
117. Last thing you ate?
mcdonalds
119. Ever been in love?
yep
121. Twitter or Tumblr?
tumblr
123. What colour are your towels?
various, there’s like blue and pink and white
125. First person you talked to today?
@billythemuppet lol she’s a lot of the answers :P
127. Name a person you hate?
this fucking customer at my work who’s been banned 3 times, is racist, harasses staff, hits other customers with things and grabs you and presses herself to you. it’s so gross ughdsfsg. she comes in eeevery fucking day too
129. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
aforementioned woman lol
131. Have any pets?
2 cats :)
133. Do you regret anything from your past?
buncha things, but mostly dropping out of school
135. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
yep
137. Do you believe in true love?
i think so?
139. Do you believe in ghosts?
yeah definitely!
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tagged?
I was tagged by @fbismostwanted
Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20
Nicknames: Bean, which is what my family calls me; and then there’s Bryn but that’s not really a nickname, that’s just what i wanna change my name to since i’m trying to transition properly into being nonbinary when my gender is nonbinary,,; and then my gf and friend call me glasses when they talk about me around my gf’s sister since my gf isn’t out yet,,, uh,,, i respond to Lesbian,,, i think that’s it lol
Gender: fuck uhh lol genderfluid, but my gender only really moves between a female and nonbinary gender,,, lol i shouldn’t have to fucking explain my damn gender
Star sign: virgo
Height: about 5’? 5’1”? smt like that
Time: 9:58 PM
Birthday: september 6th
Favorite bands: uhh maroon 5, marianas trench, imagine dragons,, there’s probably more but i’m not remembering rn
Favorite solo artists: hmm porter robinson, sia, madeon, sam smith, p!nk, logic, adele, ed sheeran, and i’m gonna stop here cuz the list will be too long
Song stuck in my head: Havana by Camilo Cabello literally i hear it constantly it’s not my fault
Last movie I watched: i think it was Cars
Last TV show I watched: i watch so many shows i don’t even remember
When did I created my blog: idk when i created it but i started being somewhat active on it in i think november of 2016
What do I post: art and shitty updates of how i’m feeling as wells as loads of gay shit and nerdy things
Last thing I googled: umm how bout let’s Not talk about that
Do I have other blogs: yeah i have an nsfw blog and a blog run by both me and my gf you should check it out @straight-men-dont-interact
Do I get asks: not much
Why did I chose my URL: it’s a play on the word emotional and i like mochi and i think it sounds soft and cute,,, my sister helped me come up with it
Following: idk i gotta check
Followers: 250 or smt like that?
Favorite colors: like,, soft reds
Average hours of sleep: oh lol like,, usually 4-6 hours on weekdays, 8-12 on weekends lmao oops
Luck numbers: idfk lol
Instruments: i took piano for a while but i can’t really play,, i sing tho
What am I wearing: soft joggers, a men’s mlp t-shirt, and a really soft somewhat oversized dark purple flannel with pink pinstripes
How many blankets do I sleep with: i sleep with a comforter with a duvet on it and a sheet,,
Dream job: psychological therapist !!
Dream trip: probably tokyo?
Favorite food: sushi/sashimi love that shit
Nationality: mostly indian, but my mom is hella mixed so i have bits of british, Portuguese, and other shit in me
Favorite song right now: uhhh omg i can’t pick that wouldn’t be fair,,,,,,, but i guess,, the girl on fire by alicia keys
i tag whoever wants to do it
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I was tagged by @spikedbat
rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get know better
1. nicknames: hmm i can’t really think of any?
2. gender: I'm cis my dudes
3. star sign: pisces
4. height: 5′1″ (rip)
5. time: 3:45am
6. birthday: march 1
7. favorite bands: Marianas trench
8. favorite solo artists: Charlie xcx, dua lip and others but I cant think of them rn
9. song stuck in my head: hold me tight or don't by fall out boy
10. last movie i watched: the men in black trilogy
11. last show i watched: Brooklyn nine nine for 100th time
12. when did i create my blog: I honestly don't remember but it was recent so idk
13. what do i post: stranger things, ash Tyler, some anti Tony stark stuff, memes
14. last thing i googled: ironically “ tumblr”
15. do i have any other blogs: yep. @lieutenant-ash-tyler
16. do i get ask: no cause no one wants to interact with me lol
17. why i chose my url: I honestly can't remember
18. following: 370
19. followers: 277 (rip)
21. average hours of sleep: 3-10
22. lucky number: numbers are fake dude
23. instruments: I used to play the recorder and violin
24. what am i wearing: blue sweater cause its cold
26. dream job: I ain't got a clue my guy
27. dream trip: i wanna visit turkey, morocco and mexico
28. favorite food: i just really love red lentil with white rice and biryani like a true desk
29. nationality: countries are fake sorry I am only a national of the planet earth
30. favorite season: spring cause its cold enough to wear cute jackets but warm enough to wear nice tops
@ororo-munr0e @allez-argeiphontes @talceles @lionowlonao3 @savedbythespell @sanaflowers @mughler @t-adash-i @elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey (its not 20 but oh well)
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Blink (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 27
CHAPTER 27
Jesus wakes up suddenly.
He’s on the couch with his yellow blanket covering him. He doesn’t remember having it. Doesn’t remember being out here at all. But slowly, it starts to come back: waking up to check the locks. The memory of Him coming back unexpectedly when Jesus convinced Isaac to escape. And what happened to Isaac when He found out.
Jesus had told Mariana. Mariana had told Mama. Not all of it, but some.
Mama had been out here with him, but she’s not anymore because she knows he wouldn’t be comfortable with them sleeping in the same room, even if she was nowhere near him. Jesus is sure she’s the one who got his blanket. Who covered him with it. It’s her way of showing him she was here. That he’s not alone.
Still, now, Jesus just feels empty and heavy and so sad. This place feels like it’s full of ghosts even though he’s never been up here before this week. Even though Isaac never has. But the snow is connecting them. And wrecking Jesus.
He has to get out of here.
Quietly, Jesus walks to the kitchen and picks up the landline. The display screen says it’s 5:59 AM. It’s super dark out. But he remembers that Pearl’s up even earlier than this. Even though the buttons sound super loud, Jesus risks scrolling through the numbers to find hers.
He paces back to the living room and waits.
“Jesus?” Pearl asks, sounding wide awake.
“Yeah.”
“What is it?”
“I need to get out of here. Can I walk Gracie with you?” he asks.
“Sure. Give us five minutes. We’ll come get you.”
“Don’t knock. I’ll watch for your light.”
“Leave your parents a note. Let them know they can call me anytime, to reach you.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. I’ll be right there.”
Jesus hangs up the phone and makes his way upstairs to find his jeans and a warmer shirt. Goes to the bathroom and dresses really fast. Then, he’s back downstairs. He grabs a yellow legal pad of Grandpa’s and writes:
Out walking Gracie with Pearl. You can call her anytime to talk to me. - Jesus
Finally, he grabs his jacket, gloves and hat. His backpack, which he stuffs with his headphones and blanket. He grabs a muffin from the counter to add to his stash, because it’s been way too long since he’s been able to add new food to it.
Then, he waits.
--
Pearl makes quick work of getting ready to go and putting Gracie’s leash on. A call from Jesus at six in the morning isn’t typical. So even though walking her dog in the dark isn’t something Pearl would normally do, she has to trust her gut.
Jesus is letting her know what he needs. He’s trusting her. And she’s been up for hours anyway. It’s not like she’s busy today or anything.
She steps outside, glad it feels slightly warmer than it could. She makes her way to Frank’s cabin and stops in front of the door. Jesus is there, all ready to go.
He looks rough, though. Sad. Haunted. She watches as he silently turns and locks the door behind himself and then reaches for her hand.
Pearl hesitates. She’s not a fan of physical contact, but she knows, too, that Jesus has a hard time with the cold, and suspects that the dark might add another layer to his fears. Knows he must be desperate to want to walk around outside, instead of being in.
She takes a breath. They both have gloves on. That might be enough of a barrier for her. He’s stopped short of actually taking her hand. He’s waiting. Pearl focuses on Gracie’s leash in her other hand, and then reaches out for Jesus’s with her free one.
Wordlessly, they start to walk.
The woods is a place she knows well. Not by choice. But Pearl doesn’t see the point in trying to avoid the sites that spark memories. Strangely, the woods feel safer than, say, the grocery store in town. Probably because she doesn’t have to interact with people out here. Jesus clearly does not want to talk.
Their boots crunch in the snow. Gracie stays at Pearl’s side, never bounding ahead.
She hears a sniff beside her. Senses Jesus reaching up toward his own face. Hears his ragged breath. (Maybe a nightmare spooked him...or maybe it’s not that at all.) Still silent, Pearl squeezes his hand and keeps walking.
“I come out here to find myself. I don’t know why, really. It seems ridiculous, because it’s not like we really leave pieces of ourselves behind places...but part of me thinks...maybe we do? Because...I don’t know...everything clicks for me when I’m out here. I feel alive. Raw. It’s weird, I guess, but that’s just how I am. You wanna lock your fears out. And I feel pissed. Like, come on. Try it.”
Squeeze.
“I mean, you could call that brave. My mother calls it reckless. It’s just kinda the way it is for me.”
Pearl goes quiet. Because the woods in the winter aren’t the same as the woods in spring. She avoids the woods in springtime like the plague.
She hears more from Jesus. He’s obviously not okay, but any teenager who can willingly let his feelings out like this and not by overcompensating in some other way is impressive to Pearl.
“Sometimes, we just have to let it out,” she comments softly. “And that’s fine. Strength...what we usually see of it is domineering, right? It’s loud. It’s in our faces. But all strength isn’t like that. Sometimes, it means letting your guard down when it makes complete sense to leave it up. To never cry another tear. To never show that anything hurts us. But hurting is a part of being human. I like to think it’s the flipside of loving, maybe. ‘Cause if we didn’t love, it wouldn’t matter if we hurt. If we lost. You know?”
Squeeze.
--
Somehow, Pearl knows just what to say. She doesn’t call him out for being weak, like That Asshole always did. Like how He was always so hard on Isaac because Isaac had real feelings. Now, it feels like, for the first time, Jesus feels what Isaac must’ve felt.
How deep he felt.
How he wasn’t afraid to cry. To share. To just be who he was and ignore all Jesus’s advice to toughen up and forget his family because it was easier.
Isaac never forgot the people he loved most.
And Jesus is never gonna forget Isaac, either. Even though it hurts like hell to remember the way he had to live for all those months that Jesus knew him. It hurts to know he was happy once, too, because Jesus knows exactly how terrible his end was. And even though it’s been four and a half years since the day Isaac just couldn’t stay alive anymore, a part of Jesus still feels massively guilty for the part he played.
For every time he taped his friend’s mouth. Put a hood over his head. Took back the towel he gave so he could have a shred of dignity. Yeah, there had been reasons for all of it. Protecting him, first and foremost, but it still sucked. If he really was brave or strong or anything good, he’d have tried harder. Done more to help Isaac get free instead of doing so much to keep him chained.
Seriously, what kind of person was he?
It’s kinda right that he can’t see a foot in front of him, ‘cause right about now he might as well be back in that damn basement for all the good it’s done him to be free.
He can’t cry anymore ‘cause everything wants to freeze on his face and that feels weird as hell. So instead, he manages:
“Talk...please…”
“Jesus… Are you--”
“Don’t, Don’t ask me, okay? I can’t right now,” he insists, voice breaking.
“Okay. I won’t. Just stay with me. Focus on the light in front of us. Not the dark around us.”
An ugly sob escapes.
“It’ll be light soon,” Pearl promises, squeezing his hand.
--
Eventually, they have to turn around and start heading back. Her legs are aching, and numb from the cold. Jesus seems like he could just keep going forever, but Pearl has to be practical.
They’re almost back to her cabin when the first hints of light break on the horizon. “Look,” she says. “I told you. The sun’s coming up.”
Jesus doesn’t comment at first. Then, he says, “I never saw the sun rise one time in my whole life until the morning I was coming home when I was thirteen. It was magic. Like fire. Like the whole sky was celebrating ‘cause I was free.”
Pearl’s quiet.
“Now, I can’t see it without feeling destroyed. ‘Cause, like...I got out. So, what?”
She flips her light off, and steps in front of him. “What’s happening right now?” she asks, concerned.
“What’s happening is my friend is dead and I’m free and it doesn’t make sense! It should’ve been me. It was my dumbass idea!”
“Stop it,” Pearl reprimands. “I can see you’re upset, but you can’t keep punishing yourself.”
“It’s my fault!” Jesus exclaims. “It’s my fault he died! It was my idea to try and escape and we got caught because of it! And he got killed because of it! Every day we told each other to stay alive and I know he tried, but damn it, it sucks! We should both be out! He shouldn’t have to stay twelve years old forever because I was--!”
“You were a child, Jesus! You didn’t do this!”
“I dug the grave!” Jesus yells.
It shocks Pearl quiet.
“I dug the damn grave…” Jesus manages, his voice breaking.
Pearl shakes her head, horrified. What kind of sadistic person would kidnap children and force one to dig a grave for his friend?
“That…” she starts, her voice thick.
“Don’t. Don’t say it. Don’t bother,” Jesus tries, desperate to stop her from finishing the thought.
She does anyway, because he needs to hear this: “That was not on you.”
“How can you even say that, Pearl?! You weren’t there! No one was there!”
Gracie’s on alert, helping keep Pearl calm, but it’s an uphill battle. She’s never seen Jesus like this. Doesn’t know how she’s gonna help him. They’re not even inside the cabin again yet.
“I hear you. I do. But we need to go inside right now. So I need you to walk next to me. And hold my hand,” she says, remembering his words. (Calm. In control, but not controlling.)
She’s surprised when he does. Surprised at the way he falls into step beside her. When they get inside, she checks on him. He still looks raw. Angry. Grief-stricken. But all these things are better than dissociated.
Roughly, Jesus shrugs off his backpack. Takes off his gloves. But the rest he leaves on.
Softly, Pearl bends down and gives Gracie a command. She responds swiftly, taking Jesus’s coat sleeve and pulling him to the swing.
Pearl’s beyond relieved when he goes behind the curtain himself.
She gives him a heads up and then turns on the LED lights. The cabin lights were never on. She sits on the couch, with Gracie right there nuzzling her, and cries softly, hoping the swing can help where she cannot.
--
Jesus can’t believe he just told her that. Nobody knows that he had to dig Isaac’s grave. Not even Dr. H. Now that it’s out, he doesn’t feel better. It’s like proof. Jesus feels as bad and gross and wrong as Him. Jesus basically helped keep Isaac there. Jesus is pretty much like a kidnapper, too. (God, why doesn’t Allie hate him?)
Gracie pokes her head through the curtain. Pearl’s phone is in her mouth. A note attached to her collar:
Call your therapist
Jesus expels a harsh breath that’s almost a laugh. Whispers: “Your mom’s super bossy. You know that, right?”
Gracie drops the phone into his outstretched hand. Offers a woof of solidarity. Jesus holds onto her and buries his face in her fur. Wants her to stay close but doesn’t know if Pearl is cool with that. Jesus sticks his head out. Sees her crying
That’s all it takes for him to let Gracie go.
Somebody needs to be there for Pearl, and it can’t be him right now.
Jesus takes a deep breath and calls Dr. H. hoping she won’t mind an 8-but-really-6 AM phone call the day after a holiday.
“Dr. H?” he asks. “This is Jesus Foster. I, um...I really need to talk to you…”
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ALL MCR ASKS
ALL MCR ASKS COMING RIGHT UPI Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love: What’s something you love that you feel is under appreciated?Marianas Trench, probably. They deserve the world but they’re not too well known outside of Canada. I’m doing my part to spread the word, though, and have already converted a few of my friends into Trenchers, ehehe.Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge: Would you kill someone who is evil to bring someone you love back to life? I wanna say no, but like, Maybe??? It depends who I’d be bringing back to life. If it were my grandmother, Hélène, probably I’d do it. For grand-mère Elizabeth, too.Welcome to The Black Parade: What is your attitude towards death?Death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit. With a lot of fear and a burning desire to run away.Danger Days; The True Lives of The Fabulous Killjoys: What does art mean to you?Art powers the fucking world, fren, no two ways about it. Without music I can’t function, without art nothing is worth looking at, without writing all these questions and answers don’t exist. (This is fake deep lol)Gerard: What are your best creative talents?I would put the title of my best creative talent as my writing. It’s one of my favourite passtimes and I’m pretty okay at it, if I do say so myself. Some people cough cough Hannah cough have also been trying to convince me that I can sing?? for some reason???Ray: Do you ever feel forgotten about? (as in, like, straight up being left at gas stations forgotten about).I was once left my Asshat McFuck at a Frenchy’s thrift store for over an hour, he only returned once the store worker finally called my aunt after I’d been panicking for about forty minutes. I still contend he went to get high, he claimed to be going to change a headlight but it was still busted when he came back and he was gone a hell of a lot longer than the ten minutes he claimed.Sometimes I also feel like my friends forget I exist, though.Frank: What are you passionate about?I’m very passionate about music, I devote a large portion of my time listening to it, and I’m trying to learn how to music myself, so. Also reading. And writing. And interacting with my frens.Mikey: Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a combo of both?I’m a bit of both. If I’m with my friends, I’ll be laughing and screaming and conversing. If I’m surrounded by strangers or acquaintances, I will basically be so quiet you’d assume I’d sunk into the wall. I once had to speak to a teacher via post-it just to ask if I could go pee…I’m Not Okay: What is/was your high school friend group like?Loud, swears a lot, constantly playing Super Smash Bros. on WiiU during lunch and spares. Also very gay, we only have One Straight Friend.Blood: What do you want to be for Halloween this year?My cousin Marcel promised he’d help me make my costume for Halloween, I’m probably gonna be Wiccan from Young Avengers! Gay chaos magic, for the win!Headfirst for Halos: What is your favorite song?I have too many favourite songs, but I can contribute five: Shake Tramp by Marianas Trench, Hallelujah by Panic! At The Disco, The Pros And Cons Of Breathing by Fall Out Boy, Teenagers by My Chemical Romance, and Ode To Sleep by Twenty One Pilots.Na Na Na: Who would you want to protect most?My little cousins, Molly Elizabeth and Jack. They’re my favourite cousins, and even though I haven’t seen them in two years, I have a bunch of pictures of them that my aunt sends me or that their mom posts on Facebook. Someday, I’m going to go visit them during a school break. I’d give my lives for them if I had to, tbh.Give Em Hell, Kid: Who makes you fearless?I’ve never been fearless, but the various members of my five favourite bands definitely make me wanna do things I wouldn’t have imagined doing way back when. One of the most influencial on me is probably Pete Wentz, though.Mama: Is anyone in your family in the armed forces?Both of my grandfathers are war veterans, and at least two of my uncles were in the Air Force as well. I think I also currently have at least one cousin serving?Early Sunsets Over Monroeville: What’s your favorite vampire movie?I don't really watch movies that have vampires in them. Sing: Who is the most misunderstood villain?I never really understood Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Who was he really? Why kill Eddie's brother? Why admit it? Just why?I Never Told You What I Do For A Living: What was your first job?Never had a job before lolDead!: Who is someone you dislike?My 10th grade French teacher. What a bitch. Honey This Mirror Isn’t Big Enough for The Two of Us: Do you like taking selfies?Ish? My face is disproportionate and one of my cheeks is fatter than the other, it sucks. I'll take selfies with my friends if they want to, though.Party Poison: What’s your dream URL?acadjonne.tumblr.comOh wait. Thank You For The Venom: What’s your attitude towards drugs?They're not really my thing?? Some of them are really bad but it's none of my business, I'm not gonna crucify you for trying a weed lolSharpest Lives: What was your first MCR song?Na Na Na, since it's on Guitar Hero Live. I first heard of them because of the Everything Wrong With Helena video, though.Skylines and Turnstiles: What was a big event that changed your life?My grandmother Hélène's death. It upended my views on life and religion and changed not just my way of living, but the entire family's.Zero Percent: Have you read the Danger Days comics? If so, what did you think of them?I have a copy of True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys, but I haven't read it yet. “It’s my fuckin’ face”: Whats your body image like?I have a bit of a belly and thighs the size of Texas and stretch marks on my thighs and hips and scars from ingrown hairs and that's okay. I've lived and earned those.Life on The Murder Scene: What would your biography be called?Acadjonne does life.Solo projects: What is something you always wanted to do, but never have? I've always wanted to learn to play piano, but was never able to due to availability and transportation reasons. I might be getting a keyboard soon though, so with an 80+ song synthesia playlist and a lot of pure stubbornness, I might learn yet!Thanks for asking me these, fren! Sorry it took so long, I wanted to make sure to give you the best answers possible. Have a good day at school!
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Disuphere (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 50
CHAPTER 50
NOW
Monday, December 8, 2014
Home: 3 years, 1 month and 24 days
The ride to therapy is strained. Totally unlike when Mrs. Longbottom drove Jesus to the park. He sort of misses her, but this is way too important and he’s way too stressed out to have her behind the wheel. Having Callie there is bad enough. Even though she had sat down with him and Moms last night to talk about going to therapy. Mom would be working and Mama has an appointment with Frankie. So that meant Jesus and Callie were gonna have to figure out a way to therapy together, without her triggering him. Jesus asked how he could be sure that Callie didn’t have her phone and Moms showed him where it was.
Callie showed Jesus she didn’t have her phone on her before they left. Not in her pocket or her purse or Lucile.
Still, though.
Slowly, Jesus has started to interact more with the fam. Dr. H. is having him work on not isolating. He talks to Frankie and Mariana mostly, and Moms sometimes. (He came home the other day to find Mama and Frankie in the middle of an art project. When Jesus saw, Frankie squealed in some combo of delight and terror: “You can’t see this!”) It’s still hard. He’s just dropped some major honesty on Mari and he hopes it’s not too much for her:
Mariana, I’ve been holding back too. Because I don’t wanna make this too much for you. Because I wanna protect you. But the truth is I am struggling so much. It is so hard to trust right now. There are times I just wanna quit because it’s so hard. Because what’s the damn point if I can’t trust you guys? I know you and Callie are close and honestly that’s so hard for me. IDK how you can be close to her when she did such a major thing to me. Yeah, you camped out a few nights and I really needed that and appreciate it. But then you went back to your room. It feels like I don’t have anybody on my side and that’s lonely. Jesus
Being around the house feels like everybody is walking on eggshells around him, and why shouldn’t they? They’d all seen him lose his mind. While Frankie forgives she doesn’t forget. She’s been keeping a low profile since before Thanksgiving. He’s gotta figure out why (though he’s pretty sure it has to do with him freaking out after she showed him Callie’s pictures.)
Jesus doesn’t say a word the whole drive there. Can’t start talking to her until Dr. H. is there, too. One on one it just feels too intense.
In the office, he has a strong desire to sit on the floor, but he knows that wouldn’t be good for him. A small thing, maybe, to some people. For him, though, it means psychological chains. Inferiority. Subhumanity. Dr. H. knows this, so if he sits there, she’s gonna know just how bad it is. Has to see if he can sit in a chair like a person and talk to his damn sister about damn boundaries.
Callie hangs out in the doorway. Doesn’t sit til he does. (In his usual chair.) When he nods to the couch across from him, she finally moves to sit there. Dr. H. leads them through getting focused, and it helps some. Jesus still kinda feels like he might hurl though.
“Where would you like to start, Jesus?” Dr. H. nods.
He shakes his head and nods at Dr. Hitchens. He needs her help with this. Needs her to know where the hell to start.
“Okay. How about if I ask a question?”
Jesus nods.
“How has the communication been between you two over the past couple weeks?”
“Limited,” Callie offers.
“Jesus, who limited it?”
He spots the bottle of glitter by his feet and picks it up. “I limited it…’Cause I didn’t feel safe talking to her…” He sends a quick glance Callie’s way: “I didn’t feel safe talking to you…” he clarifies.
Callie purses her lips.
“Jesus, do you want to tell Callie why you asked her to join you today? What you need to talk to her about?” Dr. Hitchens asks.
“Your project.”
“I know,” she sighs, infuriating him.
“And my boundaries,” Jesus insists, getting pissed already. This is all it takes for him to get locked into intense eye contact with her. “Seriously, Callie. What were you even thinking?”
Her arms are crossed. Her legs are crossed. Defensiveness is coming off her in waves. “You said my photography made you nervous! I didn’t want to make it worse!”
Jesus doesn’t buy it for one second. “But you had no problems taking pictures without me knowing! Callie, do you know how messed up that is? He used to do that to me.”
Callie’s mouth drops open, but she recovers fast. “Okay, obviously I didn’t know that and I didn’t mean it like that! It’s a technique I learned from another photographer! I get that you have boundaries, Jesus, but asking us to respect them when we don’t even know what they are is so unfair. ”
“Jesus,” Dr H. interjects. “Why don’t you take a moment. Figure out how you’d like to respond.” While she talks Callie through opening up her body posture, Jesus tries to think beyond the searing anger. The violation. What does he need her to know?
When they’re both ready to talk again, Jesus starts. “I think that you needing to know the story behind every single one of my triggers is a seriously low excuse for making a choice you should never have made in the first place.”
Callie opens her mouth to protest, but Jesus holds up a hand. He isn’t done, and he is very much in control. Hell if he’s going to give it to her before he’s finished.
“You don’t get to know my personal stuff. It’s mine and that’s the way it is. You knew enough when you started doing this to get that it was something I was nervous about. You said it yourself. If I’d be uncomfortable with you doing it it in front of me, do you honestly think I would have been okay with you sneaking around behind my back? You knew better and you still did it.”
“What do you need from Callie right now?” Dr. H. asks.
“Acknowledge that you did a shitty thing. Stop making excuses. ‘Cause I all I hear when I hear those are that you put a higher value on a grade than you do on me as a person.”
“Okay, but I’m a person, too, Jesus! You react so badly when I hurt your feelings but you don’t seem to care when you hurt mine.” Her eyes are full of tears.
“This is so much bigger than hurt feelings, Callie…” Jesus manages, his throat swelling with emotion. “You didn’t just hurt my feelings, your actions made me feel unsafe. They made me feel like something that exists for you to use.”
Arms still crossed. Legs still crossed. She feels attacked but she can’t relate at all. He’s gotta try something else
“What if I knew you back when all the stuff with your bio parents went down? What if I took your picture and Jude’s picture during the worst moments of your lives? What if I asked everybody but you if it was okay and they all said yes but I never asked you. And I had plans to show the whole thing off at school with descriptions about how I felt about it all.”
Callie has tears running down her face. Jesus is sorry he’s hurt her but also hopes it has hit home. He needs her to understand.
She shakes her head at the idea of him documenting her grief over losing her mom. Over her dad being responsible. Horrified eyes meet his. She gets it. Finally, she gets it. “I’m sorry,” she manages. “I’ll have to figure something else out. I just don’t know how I can since I already presented and got the idea approved.”
“Well,” Dr. H. says kindly. “That’s why we’re here. Let’s think about this together, but since it directly concerns Jesus, let’s be sure we give him space to share.”
Callie nods.
For a while, they all think in silence. Callie’s picked up the bottle of glitter that rolled near her in the middle of their discussion. She watches it. It seems to have the same effect on her. Jesus likes not feeling like the only one.
“For the record,” he offers “I think you’re epically talented. I just don’t feel comfortable with the whole world seeing all those pictures of me.”
“It wouldn’t be the whole world, but I get it,” Callie nods.
Jesus hesitates and then plunges ahead. “...It would help if I was able to pick the ones I feel safe sharing. To have final say. And I need you to ask me if you want to take my picture.”
Callie wipes her eyes. “Deal. I totally hear you. I won’t take your picture or share it without asking you first.”
Dr. H. has them write up a plan - terms they both agree to - and Callie and Jesus both sign it.
In the car, on the way home, he feels like he can finally breathe.
“Why’d you do that?” Callie asks softly, as they’re driving. “When you were talking about doing the same thing back to me...why didn’t you out my stuff to Dr. H? You had a right to. I did worse to you.”
“Because it’s still your stuff. It’s not for me to tell. No matter what you did, it doesn’t give me the right to out your stuff to my shrink.”
“I am sorry,” Callie says, her voice heavy with regret. “I won’t do anything like this again. I promise.”
Jesus nods. “Some of the shots really made me think, you know? Like that one of me and Jude… Do you think he’d talk to me?”
“In therapy?” Callie bristles.
“I was thinking more like on the porch tonight.”
“You should ask him,” Callie encourages.
That night after dinner, he asks Moms first. He even gives consent that they can watch from inside if they want. Instead of answering, Mama calls Jude into the living room.
“Honey, Jesus has a question for you.”
“Okay…” Jude ventures, uncomfortable.
“I wanna know if you’ll talk to me outside for a few minutes. Just us. I’m not gonna hurt you. Okay? I swear. I just wanna talk.”
Jesus is stunned when Jude nods and walks to the front door right then to wait for him. “Jude! Dude! You don’t have to, alright? Only if you want!”
“I’m out here, aren’t I?” Jude calls back.
Jesus looks at moms and shrugs. “I’m gonna be out there with him.”
“No brawls,” Mom says firmly. “If Jude starts to feel unsafe, it’s done and you come in. If you start to feel unsafe?”
“It’s done and I come in,” Jesus finishes. “I get it. I’m not mad at him. This is about making something right.”
He heads out to the porch, where Jude’s sitting smack in the middle of the swing. Jesus nods for him to scoot over and he does. Jesus sits, too.
“So, what did I do?” Jude asks.
Jesus cocks his head.
“Callie said you wanted to talk to me. And I know you wanted to talk to her because you were mad at her, and you were mad at Moms…”
“You didn’t do anything. I just wanna talk to you.”
“But we never do that,” Jude objects lightly.
“Are you okay with this? If you’re not, we can bail.”
“It’s kinda weird...but, like, as long as you’re not hiding any knives on you…” Jude’s eyes get big. It’s like the words just bypassed his brain and flew out of his mouth. Like he didn’t even know he said them out loud.
Jesus steps inside long enough to flip on the porch light. Steps back out and begins methodically turning all of his pockets. Callie had done the same thing before they got in the car together, to show him she didn’t have a phone on her. Jesus takes out a box of raisins. A packet of cheese and crackers. A candy cane. Tosses it to Jude. He lifts his shirt just enough to let Jude see the waistband of his jeans. Turns.
Jude’s wincing. Jesus knows it’s because he’s seeing the scars Jesus has for the first time. Not all of them. Not even close. Still. Jude’s brash and opinionated, but he’s sensitive, too.
“No knives. We good? Can I sit?”
Jude nods. “Does that hurt?” he asks.
“No,” Jesus shakes his head. Sits.
Jude sets the candy cane down between them.
Jesus takes a deep breath. Stares straight ahead. “You told me a while ago that I make you feel terrible about yourself. I wanted to say I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings and I’m even more sorry for pulling that knife on you. There’s no excuse, you know? But I feel like I wanna tell you something, if that’s cool…”
Jude nods.
“For a long time after I after I got back...you reminded me of someone…” Jesus offers, speaking into the dark.
“Was it Isaac?” Jude asks, and Jesus lets out a breath he hasn’t known he’s been holding.
Jesus nods, but says, “It was Jacob.”
“I watched the show they did on him. It’s on YouTube. I watched it on my laptop with my headphones because I didn’t want you to hear and get sad and whatever. The show said He had him at the same time as He…”
“Yeah, He did,” Jesus confirms. “So when I came home and saw you, I thought of Jacob. We were best friends There. I protected him. Sometimes, I thought, if I’d been harsher with him, he might have had a better shot at making it out. At staying safe.”
“So you were protecting me harsher. So I’d be okay.”
“Kinda, yeah. But that doesn’t make it right. I should’ve never done that to you. You’re my little bro.”
Cautiously, Jesus puts an arm around Jude. He’s surprised when Jude leans into the contact. It’s like he’s been waiting for this for years.
“All this time, I thought it was me…” Jude ventures.
“No. Don’t think that. Don’t ever think that. I don’t want you to be freaked out by me but if you ever are, please tell somebody, all right? We’re lucky here. We’ve got people who will keep us safe. You shouldn’t have to live afraid. So, don’t.”
“Okay,” Jude nods.
They pull away. Just before they go in the house, Jesus stops Jude with a question:
“On that show you watched….was Isaac’s mom on it?”
That night, Jesus finds another letter from Mariana in his mailbox:
Dear Jesus,
That sounds really lonely. I wish you knew I was always on your side. I get that you’re protecting me, and I appreciate it, but I don’t need you to. I want to know how you’re doing. ALL of how you’re doing, you know? Or as much as you wanna share with me. I’m pretty over this sparing our own feelings thing because we’re worried about each other, aren’t you? I mean, you’re obviously able to handle crazy levels of intense stuff. And so can I. So let’s promise each other something: I’ll never trigger you on purpose, but I also won’t let fear hold me back from talking to you the way I want to. Sound good? PS I hope you and Callie had a good sesh. PSS Frankie wants me to tell you she’s sorry she scared you with Callie’s pictures. Maybe some Jesus and Frankie Time soon? Mari
Mari- The sesh went fine. I’m not so mad or lonely now but the trust is gonna take a while to build back up. I don’t want fear to hold me back from talking to you, either. You know, the whole time I was Gone, I was all about protecting you? I didn’t forget you. And at first I couldn’t hear you in my head at all, but right before I came home, I heard you you said: “Sometimes you have to make a choice, Jesus.” And I hadn’t been Jesus in so long. But that’s what gave me the push to get away. Not opportunity or fear, even tho those things were factors: it was you. I will have Jesus and Frankie Time ASAP. Thanks for being here. IDK what I would do without you. Love you. Jesus
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Disuphere (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 29
CHAPTER 29
NOW
Monday, November 3, 2014
Home: 3 years and 20 days
Jesus is wishing right about now. Wishing it was any day but family therapy day. Wishing they were having anything but pizza. He’s getting better about that - being able to wish without ridiculous amounts of guilt - it used to be almost impossible. The second he started struggling in right now, he’d beat himself up mentally. (Like, how could he ever complain about being with family when it’s all he’d ever wanted for years? How could he even think about complaining about the wrong food when he should be glad he gets food at all?)
As Dr. H. would say: “Jesus, that’s a pretty low bar. You deserve more than the bare minimum. And it’s okay to not be okay, even out here. Even right now.”
So, yeah, he’ll say it: he’s not okay. Between the bustling Monday night crowd at Cucina Enoteca and all the unpredictability, the car ride and the impending car ride, and all his family being irritable as hell from therapy, Jesus kinda feels like screaming. When he thinks about it, Jesus tries to keep up the mantra from the car. It helps some, but not enough.
He hates the feeling of being out in public. Knows people recognize him. When they do, he hasn’t gotten past the super strong impulse to punch them in the face because really? His picture was everywhere around here. The news in LA covered his disappearance whenever the anniversary came around and a lot in the beginning. (Of course, he wasn’t allowed out at all in the beginning...but still.) Why couldn’t the billions of well-meaning people approach him Then and ask, “Are you Jesus Foster?”
Maybe he could have nodded.
Maybe he could have gone home after two months, not four years.
Plus, he doesn’t know every single person in this place and that puts him on edge. What are their intentions? Is he safe here? Is his family? Jesus has a hard time trusting it, even knowing the reality that He’s dead and can’t actually do anything now. Sometimes reality just doesn’t mean a lot. Not when the past is so damn vivid.
Jesus doesn’t wear his headphones inside because he doesn’t wanna draw attention. He doesn’t take the blanket in either. He wishes he could. But those things literally ask for people to approach him: Poor unstable kidnapped kid. Let’s see how he’s doing…
They have to wait for a table. As if this isn’t bad enough already. Jesus’s granola bar is on the DL in his pocket. Cookie Land is there, and in a second, Jesus is in it. It feels better here. Familiar. He’s not thinking about how hungry he is, because damn it, he’s got unlimited access to chocolate chip cookies, wafer cookies, chocolate squares, all different colors and shapes of candy and caramel. Jesus doesn’t like caramel, but in Cookie Land it tastes like maple syrup.
“Buddy? Can you hold this for a sec?”
Jesus blinks. Frankie. Her blanket in his hands. (Even she knows just what to do if he starts looking blank. She’s watched Moms and Mariana help him cope enough.)
“Yeah, no problem,” he says, trying to keep his tone from showing how truly pissed he is.
It isn’t her fault that Frankie knows how to keep him present. That he and Moms have talked about what he needs when he loses focus like this. He doesn’t want to be walking around in public like a damn zombie, but he needs Cookie Land right now or he’s probably gonna go nuts from the hunger.
Finally, a hostess comes to seat them.
Callie’s on one side of Jesus, and Mom is on the other. He tries to focus on following Mama and Brandon to the table. But there is a low buzz of so many voices. There are so many people Jesus doesn’t know. But they maybe know him. They’ve maybe been following him, and…
“Keep it together,” Callie says lowly. “We’re almost there.”
It helps.
They get to the table - there are too many of them for a booth - and Jesus doesn’t like being that close to everybody - and they all sit. Everyone but him.
Jesus doesn’t know where the blanket is. He glances around, and breathes a sigh of relief. Frankie’s wearing it over her shoulders the way Jesus sometimes wears his own. Jesus squeezes the back of the empty chair.
Seriously. Why does it have to be pizza?
“Jesus.”
He jumps. Mom is whispering to him. Where did she even come from?
“We are not doing this tonight.” (She says it like he has a choice. Like pizza doesn’t in and of itself mean privilege. Like going out to eat doesn’t mean privilege.) Jesus is shaky on the human stuff right now. On what he deserves. And if he’s honest, on being one hundred percent aware of where exactly he is. He thinks he knows, but isn’t sure.
“Jesus, I am serious. Sit down.”
He doesn’t.
(“Jesus” paired with any direction automatically does not compute in his brain. It can’t. If it did, Level 3 fear would take over. Fear that makes him think of the promise He made on that first day:
If you ever answer to that name again, I’ll bury you…)
Instead, he reaches down deep inside, to whatever crumbs of agency he remembers from therapy. She’s embarrassed. That’s what’s driving Mom right now. And that is the very last thing he needs.
“Your energy,” he says so softly, she has to lean in to hear him. “...is not helping me right now.”
“Heads up,” Brandon calls and it turns out, his reflexes still work. He’s caught the piece of olive bread Brandon tossed his way.
Holding food in his hand - and more than that, holding warm food - jolts him forward. It unsticks his brain. Mostly he and Brandon don’t interact, but every once in awhile, he comes through.
Jesus nods his thanks.
“B...really? This is a nice restaurant…” Mom says, exasperated.
“What?” he asks, like he’s done nothing. “I just wanted him to try the bread.”
The distraction is enough for Jesus to pull out a chair and sit without feeling humiliated.
“Okay, guys, what are we having?” Mama asks. Everyone talks at once, putting in their two cents. Jesus concentrates on making his piece of bread last. He doesn’t offer an opinion, even when Mama checks with him specifically.
They order, and it makes Jesus feel marginally more secure. He’s downed one glass of water, knowing he can have as much as he wants, and it’s free. His bread is gone. Damn. He should really leave the rest for the fam to try. It was really good.
“All right, everyone. What do we say about the office?” Mama coaches.
Jesus, Mariana, Callie, Brandon and Jude all chorus back, sounding bored: “What happens there stays there…”
Frankie’s hand is in the air. She’s wiggling all around like she has to pee, but really it’s just how she sits. (Jesus thinks maybe moving around helps her keep her balance, but he could be wrong.) “Ooh!” she’s saying, waving her hand around. “Ooh!”
“Yes, Frankie?” Mama smiles indulgently.
“What happens in the office stays in the office! None of you guys raised your hands so it doesn’t count.” She crosses her arms. She’s cute when she’s smug.
“Who remembers the homework assignment?” Mama quizzes.
“Jeez, Mama. We’re not in school. You can go easy on VP mode…” Jude complains. He slathers butter on some bread and takes a bite. (Dude. Now Jesus really wants butter…)
“Anybody?” Mama keeps trying.
“Our homework was to honor each other’s feelings,” Mom puts in helpfully. Then she leans toward him. “I’m sorry my energy made it harder for you,” she says. “I know you’ve had a tough day.”
Jesus forces a grin. “I see what you did there,” he says. “Getting a head start on the homework. Nice, Mom.”
“I also said it because it’s true. Because I care about you,” she says.
“Okay,” he says. It’s the best he can do right now, without a more involved explanation.
While Jesus is waiting for the food to arrive, he presses his feet down into the floor. Puts his hands flat on the table. Keeps his head up. He takes a slow deep breath. Then another. Then another. He needs to stay here and stay grounded and present if he has a chance in hell at making it through his this meal.
He tries to tune into just one conversation. Mama’s asking Callie what attracts her to photographing “domestic items.”
“I don’t really know,” Callie shrugs. “I mean, they’re what’s around. What I have access to. But I also just kinda like taking pictures of stuff that’s synonymous with home and family. Simple things. Real moments, you know?”
Mama raises her eyebrows, impressed. “I hadn’t really thought of it that way, love. I’m sorry my reactions were dismissive.”
“Synonymous…dismissive...” Brandon’s musing. “Those have got to be like a 60-point words on Words With Friends…”
“Word nerd,” Mariana teases good-naturedly.
“You mean Scrabble?” Mom asks Brandon, smiling.
“I mean Words With Friends,” Brandon insists, sarcasm edging his voice. “It’s what the kids today are playing. The internet, Mom. Not board games.”
(Words With Friends is a Facebook game. It makes Jesus think of Cookie Land.)
He takes another deep breath, and looks around the table. Frankie catches his eye, looking up from the picture she is coloring. Sees what he’s doing. She smiles and breathes in deep. Then breathes out super exaggerated, like the Big Bad Wolf blowing down a house, according to Frankie.)
Jesus finishes the breath and cracks up. Only his little sis could get a laugh out of him on a night like this.
“Moms look! We’re breathing big like woofs!”
“Wolves,” Mama corrects, laughing, too.
Frankie spreads her hands. “That’s what I said.” She’s annoyed. She knows what she’s saying, she just can’t say it yet. The fam knows what she’s saying, too. So when they make a big deal that she’s said something wrong, it gets to Frankie.
“Hey, Buddy. Can I color with you?” Jesus asks, hoping to distract them both.
“Show!” she says happily. (Sure. It’s his favorite of her words because it sounds like she’s being really proper and fancy. It’s cute as hell.)
She passes the crayons and paper around to him. He stares at the empty page, and then starts filling it with color. It takes him a second to realize he’s drawing Cookie Land. What his favorite level looks like before he starts.
He vaguely hears Jude and Mariana talking about the school play at Anchor Beach. Jesus won’t be able to go to that. The costumes. The dark. All the unexpected stuff. Callie is working Brandon for details about his senior project. He says he has it handled. He’s gotten approval. He’s doing a thing. She’ll know when everyone knows.
“Why?” he challenges. “What’s yours? Pears: A Pictorial Retrospective?”
“Shut up,” she laughs. “I’m doing a thing,” she echoes cryptically. “You’ll know when everyone knows.”
“Look at my senior project, guys!” Frankie screeches, not wanting to be left out. “Mama proved it and it’s totally handled.” She holds out her drawing of scribbles. Jesus can just make out eight circles, with two sticks a piece coming out of the bottom.
“Is that us?” Jesus asks, before refocusing on his drawing of Cookie Land.
“Yes! You get a car, and you get a car!” (If Frankie’s quoting Oprah giving away cars she is way too wound up.)
“Frankie, my kind, smart, calm daughter. Can you write your name for me?” Mom prompts.
“Easy-peasy,” Frankie says, and flips her paper over. Because writing takes concentration, it forces Frankie to quiet down and focus on what she’s doing. (Good call, Mom.)
“What are you drawing, love?” Mama asks.
He shrugs. “Just a game.”
“Looks very elaborate,” she compliments.
“Very delicious,” he corrects and focuses on drawing the countless shapes.
When the pizza comes, Jesus almost doesn’t notice.
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