#if that means im also part of the problem then so be it

[mostlymarvelsstuff]

These are so fun! I love your ideas and thoughts!! If I’m annoying, please say so!

I have yet another hehe!

Do you have any headcannons about College AU! Nat? What would she do/study & what to you think Reader would be like? Enemies to lovers? Or besties? Im all ears!!

Ooo yes!

I feel like Nats an athlete. Softball perhaps

As for studies, this may be unusual as I can't recall ever seeing it before, but I feel like perhaps she'd go for some sort of degree in Forensics. I mean, Nats smart and analytical. She can problem solve, and I feel like something about crime scenes would intrigue her and this job would be giving her that knowledge that she helped someone/someone's family get justice/closure and I feel that's all fitting for her character. (Maybe she even contemplated going to the academy to be a police officer, until she remembers how corrupt and authoritarian they are in the states)

I think, being both athletic and a bit nerdy that she doesn't have time for much socializing. She can probably only go to a few parties. So I think she knows R from one of her classes, probably admires her from afar a bit but also is hesitant about her because shes in a sorority and Nat knows how judgemental girls in those can be.

But at one of those rare parties they both have enough liquid courage to actually talk to each other. And they quickly discover that they get on like a house on fire.

I think both would want to rush right in because they feel so drawn to the other, but feeling that way so fast scares both so they both force themselves to take things slow. Which goes well, cute little dates and dorm/apartment sleepovers, lots of texts and kisses shared.

But things change when R goes to a party, with friends but without a studying Nat, and she gets hit on. It doesn't stress her much, it's just part of college life, but when she tells Nat about it upon her return, the redhead practically pounces.

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha x y/n #natasha x reader #headcanon

[mousydentist]

I'm trying to decide if I want to send you an unreasonable number of asks for the prompt game... :)

Let's start with The Polaroid Dates™️

hi im so sorry these are taking so long i pinky promise im gonna get to all of them eventually 🙏🙏🙏

the whole idea: some kind of a 5+1 with the polaroid dates and a +1 from post canon

ok so this is one that i actually have something for so im gonna add to it and then post what i wrote on top of it. im not totally sold on actually making it a 5+1 anymore but eh we'll see. also these snippets are kinda just cut out from the middle of scenes so they're not toally complete

ty for the asks fern ilysm 🥰🥰🥰

2.  At some point Kim goes to the bathroom, but really he's watching the live feed of the camera in the living room, just to see what Chay will do. It takes no time at all before Chay’s sneaking around, checking down the hallway for Kim then scurrying around and picking things up. No, he’s placing things?  A bug? Right. This is what Kim was expecting. This is exactly why he started investigating the Kittisawad’s in the first place. They’re clearly up to no good, and here’s proof of it. Kim swallows a lump in his throat.  He's a target. The name Porchay means nothing to him other than a name in a folder next to an age and a photo. He braces himself on the counter for a minute, eyes carefully averted from the large mirror in front of him. He splashes cold water on his face, and it helps. He needs to be Khimhan now. No, he’s always been Khimhan. He’s been Khimhan this whole time. The smiles and laughs, the little gifts, agreeing to bring Porchay here, those were always Khimhan. They were tactical moves to make the target let down his guard and reveal his true intentions. Khimhan had walked into the bathroom, and he has no problem walking out to get Porchay out of his home.  Chay Porchay the target is fidgety when Kim returns, no doubt worried he was caught. Khimhan gives him a Wik smile, and says, “Sorry, I’m not feeling very well. can I drive you home?” As soon as Kim is back to his own apartment, he goes to the large chair in the corner where he remembers the target messing around. Just in case he planted cameras, Kim walks casually, planning to sit in it while he runs a bug detection program on his phone. But when he’s in view of the chair, he pauses. There’s something on the arm of it. He gets close enough to make it out before he picks it up.  A… polaroid? He flips it over, and it’s a tiny picture of Chay making a heart with his fingers and wearing a goofy expression. At the top, he’s written, “Thank you for spending time with me!!!” and on the bottom, “You’re the #1 guitar tutor EVER!!”

3.  Do it. This is the kind of relationship you were looking for, this will tell you everything you need to know about him. He’ll let his guard down completely. Or, don’t do it. You already have most of the information, and if you do this he’ll be expecting even more from you. You have no obligation to this kid. Dump him here and now. It would… be… Kim’s thoughts fuzz out for a second, as he watches Porchay giggle and shuffle around awkwardly. For the first time in a long time, Kim lets himself ask what he wants. His life is not one that regularly awards him the privilege of acting illogically, and given that this could go either way, he thinks it’s been long enough since he’s been selfish. He doesn’t think about how he’s been selfish with Chay this whole time, and he doesn’t think about the way their relationship will inevitably end. He doesn’t think about how this will ruin Chay, or about the exact scar he knows this will reopen on his heart. He pulls Chay into a hug, and presses a kiss to his cheek, because that’s what the emotional part of his brain, the part that he’s handed control over to, decides he wants. He doesn’t think about after, not a year, not a week, not ten minutes. He thinks about Chay’s arms around his neck, and his laugh ringing in his brain, and he thinks, maybe, he’s finally found something he wants. And now, he has it.

(send me a prompt!)

#kimchay #kim theerapanyakul #porchay kittisawasd #kimchay fic #my fic #ask game

[chobani-flip]

the disconnect between the storytelling of the show and of the fandom

lately, I've been thinking about storytelling and storytellers in the context of 911.

like, there's two sides to this storytelling business, right?

there's the small group writers and showcreators who have an idea for the characters and plots and have to come up with a way to share those ideas within the constraints of a network television series

and then there's us, a massive international community with a wide-range of life experiences, who watch their show and then go on to tell our own story about it.

and i wonder if we're always watching the story they're telling.

im not even necessarily talking about the buddie goggles right now.

what got me thinking about this was ana flores.

and the one scene the fandom likes to pretend sealed her fate (when in actuality, let's be quite candid, it was the fact that she was a beautiful woman who dared to date eddie instead of allowing him to remain a viable option for canonical/fanonical offscreen cannoodling with buck)

"there's a lot to be said for getting back on the horse, but there's also some value in learning that you don't like horses." eddie: "i'm sorry?" "sometimes, our limitations tell us when to stop. but sometimes, they can show us where to look next." (romantic, feelingsy song starts playing) "today, he falls off the skateboard. but tomorrow, he writes the great american novel."

see, the problem here is that this is CLEARLY meant to be viewed as wise and deep advice. as a moment of connection between ana and eddie... the way the scene is cut, the music that plays in the background, the intense eye-contact between the two characters, the way eddie reacts to her words... we're meant to enjoy the simmering tension and potential between them...

but... it's not great and deep advice, not really. it's been pointed out that it comes off as ableist. and ana is supposed to be a teacher at this excellent inclusive institution; she is meant to have experience with children of different abilities feeling frustrated and wanting to do the same things other children are doing... someone on here pointed out that if they were the teacher, they would seek to understand what need christopher was trying to fullfil by getting on the skateboard and help him achieve it by other means

but what ana comes up with is this awkward horse metaphor that doesn't really make sense for the situation, and a condescending: "awwww, well, im sure he's the next hemingway"

BUT SEE, THAT'S NOT THE STORY THE SHOW IS TELLING US. the show is ostensibly framing this scene as romantic and great and deep. and that is NOT ana's fault. the character of ana didn't travel to our reality, didn't block the scene, didn't cut it and add the soundtrack. that's on the showcreators.

but somehow, it's really difficult for us to see it that way when it comes to ana.

in a way that it's not when it comes to Hen, poor little Mara and the Doberman.

because we know Hen and Karen, and we like them.

so we awkwardly shuffle around, side-eyeing each other, quietly nudging each other and going: "bit of a fail that, huh? kinda a weird thing to do on the part of the show, huh? comparing a little Black girl to a dog...why did they do that???"

or there was an excellent post floating around about whether Buck and Eddie realize they can say no to sex, that their consent matters.

"what if i come home and she wants to haaaaaave..." "well, you'll get through it somehow," says buck with an amused grin on his face.

see, the problem isn't necessarily whether the characters know that their consent matters, but whether the showcreators do. because this is clearly meant to be viewed as a joke.

eddie is a macho guy, who tends to keep his cool in difficult situations, so it's funny when you see him freaking out over the fact that his girlfriend wants to have sex with him and he doesn't want to have sex with her because her former chosen-profession taps into his well of Messy Catholic Feelings.

isn't it? isn't that just fucking hilarious?

and the answer to that is: no. it's not funny to any part of the audience who's ever felt pressured (by a partner, by society, by their own expectations) to want or to have sex.

but does the show realize that?

i'm sorry but i don't think so. this is the show that framed dr.wells sexually assaulting buck during a therapy session as a joke to casually bring up and needle him over later, that felt the need to reassure us that chimney and maddie can and do have wild, passionate monkey sex (you remember, albert teasing chim, then the hotel with the revolving room, etc), that had karen ask hen what the point of a relationship was if the couple weren't having sex...

now, i genuinely don't think the showcreators mean to be hurtful, or harmful. i don't think they realise how all these things come off. because they're a fairly small group of people from Los Angeles, America, and are working within the constraints of a network television show

(and the point of the Eddie and Buck scene was Buck coming out to Eddie, so maybe they felt Buck saying: "you know, you can tell her you don't want to have sex, right? that's allowed." would fraction the focus of it? idk)

but what happens is that there's this disconnect between the story they're telling us and the story we continue to tell among ourselves.

when it comes to the characters we like, we tend to ignore the unpleasant meanings and messages in relation to the character, or we retcon it in fanfic, or we Fix-it with some heart-to-hearts and apologies.

(for example, i haven't seen many fics that show athena being a Cop as not-a-great-thing. but are we really ok with her saying "i wasn't on their side, but i understood their side." when her son expresses some reasonable dissatisfaction with her reaction to a cop pointing a gun at him and michael? or are we just ignoring it because we love angela basset?)

when it comes to characters we are predisposed to dislike, this disconnect makes us dislike them even more. which leads to the writing of bashing fics, and in some cases harassing the performers online jfc do not do that people that's never ok

(of course, some characters are hated justifiedly imao, like the buckley parents and chimney's father...)

maybe this is the frustration that makes for such a prolific and active fandom?

I don't know.

but I think it's something to keep in mind when watching the show. because that disconnect is always going to be there and I know that for my own personal mental health, it's easier and nicer to believe that a group of RL people might be just a bit ignorant at times, than that my favourite characters are massive assholes unpredictably and randomly

#911 abc #911 season 7 #911 on fox #911 on abc #evan buckley #eddie diaz #ana flores #911 meta

[astranauticus]

Link Click single "Prometheus" Fan Translation

translation under cut!

让黑夜吞噬最后一点光

Let night swallow the last bit of light

就当是一场梦

Pretend this is all a dream

如果无法挣脱索性就让一切都失控吧

If I can't escape, then let everything go out of control

尝尝我的痛

If you have a taste of my pain

或许才会明白哭到失声根本没有用吧

Maybe you'll understand that there is no point to crying

倒数着三二一零

Count down, three two one zero

卖弄可笑的六欲七情

You're still playing up your laughable emotions and desires

这世界已经天翻地覆

This world has already been turned upside down

不如和我一起跳到深渊感受这失重吧 Why don't you jump into the abyss to feel this weightlessness with me

叫他们的幻想蒸发

Let their dreams evaporate

像是面无表情撕碎玩具那般从容

As simple as coldly tearing apart a stuffed toy

谁叫他们学不会听话

It's their fault they keep falling into my hands again and again

还是一次又一次地落入我的手中

Because they can't learn to stay in line

早听腻了烦人的叽叽喳喳

I've long grown tired of this annoying chattering

用绝望在墙上染个碎花

Use despair to paint a splatter on the wall

请他们永远永远闭上嘴吧

Invite them to never, never speak again

[(LTX:) piano solo]

隐秘的血色的黑夜童话

The hidden, blood-soaked midnight fairytale

刹那间将所有光芒抹杀

Smothers all light in an instant

偷走那神的火把

Steal the torch of the gods

坠落下万丈悬崖

Fall down the bottomless abyss

没有归处的人等待世界崩塌

The ones with no home await the world's collapse

（最后的 狂欢吧

(The final carnival

最后的 狂欢吧）

The final carnival)

偷走那神的火把

Steal the torch of the gods

坠落下万丈悬崖

Fall down the bottomless abyss

没有归处的人啊

The ones with no home

静静沉睡吧

Sleep peacefully now

暂时藏起了利爪和鳞片

I'll conceal my claws and scales for now

魔鬼躲进她黑白的琴键

The demon hides in her black and white keys

收起你那套因果循环

Keep your talk of causality and repetition to yourself

我会遭报应吗？反正还没应验

Will I receive retribution? We don't know that yet

都是我的消耗品

(LX:) They're all expendables to me

被我牵着鼻子走还抓不着要领

I'm dragging you along by the nose and you still can't figure it out

一个 两个 三个 四个

(LX:) one, two, three, four

心跳加速只是我的白噪音

The sound of a racing heart is just white noise to me

撬开一层层的保险

Prying away the layers of safeguards

像茶余饭后的消遣

Just to pass the time after a fine meal

对黑夜缺了点敬畏

You people who get hurt needlessly

白白受伤的人

Because you lack respect for the night

看着我千万别眨眼

When you look at me, never blink

下一秒骇人的画面

Lest you miss the scenes of carnage

命运她由我来加减

I am the one who will alter fate herself

我是那灭灯的神

I am the god that extinguishes the light

隐秘的血色的黑夜童话

The hidden, blood-soaked midnight fairytale

刹那间将所有光芒抹杀

Smothers all light in an instant

偷走那神的火把

Steal the torch of the gods

坠落下万丈悬崖

Fall down the bottomless abyss

没有归处的人等待世界崩塌

The ones with no home await the world's collapse

没有归处的人啊

The ones with no home

静静沉睡吧

Sleep peacefully now

(bonus: my translation of 321!)

#link click #shi guang dai li ren #shiguang dailiren #时光代理人 #li tianchen #li tianxi #liu xiao #translations i made #ive been listening to this song like almost nonstop since it released on spotify i might have a problem #idk how clear it is that the piano solos are supposed to be ltx's parts of the song but yeah in like the title card sequence #like they have a card for lx and ltc as vocals and then another card for ltx: piano #idk i havent rly seen people talk about it. and how fucked up and evil/pos that is #ESPECIALLY CUZ. RIGHT BEFORE THE PIANO SOLO YOU CAN HEAR TIANCHEN GOING shhhh #like hes telling people to be quiet so they'll listen to his sister ;-; #also. felt the need to include those two line indicators for lx because idk i have a hard time telling apart their voices and #those two lines being by lx has some. WORRYING implications #although me using his initials is always gonna be kinda funny to me bc im doing lighting design for a school production which means #when i see the letters lx my first thought is lighting team LMAO #Youtube #Spotify #ALSO. ANOTHER FUNNY FUN FACT. FROM THE BTS WITH FAN KA. APPARENTLY LTC'S 321 COUNTDOWN WAS WRITTEN LIKE #WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE OF THE CONTENT OF 321 LIKE THE OTHER SONG #so like that whole thing was apparently a total coincidence. which #WILD

[sonknuxadow]

the only way the sonic social media team can make up for their crimes when it comes to the annoying ship tease shit in the twitter takeovers and their treatment of m/f ships vs their treatment of gay ships is to do a very obviously intentional sonknux ship tease in the next twitter takeover and then never bring up shipping ever again. go on. do it cowards.

#go on. have knuckles say he has a massive crush on sonic. do it. #joking. sort of . i really do think they shouldnt bring up ships in twitter takeover and the part about sonic and knuckles is jokes #but also part of the problem is that theyre much kinder to questions relating to m/f ships than ones relating to gay ones #so im also like just a tiny bit serious about the sonic and knuckles thing . idk how to explain it #they either need to be mean about all ships or ignore shipping related questions altogether . no in between

[presiding]

What is your favourite thing about Billie Lurk?

(Answers are obvious possibly but i love when people talk about her👍)

thanks for the ask!! YEAH ME TOO I love when people talk about Billie! I can't say I have a favourite thing specifically, but I can explain why she's my fav. apologies for not taking this qn literally, but -

short answer: she’s really cool

& you can stop reading there, or, for the maybe 2 mutuals who might have time to read this my thoughts on her as a character, her meta, and her character as raw potential...

long answer:

i considered making this entire thing a gush so you could read a gush about Billie. but, part of what draws me to her is that she’s not always well written, and in fandom she’s underrated for a literal protagonist.

since you ask...

billie is a cool character

when I played Dh2 (hadn't played Dh1), I was excited to see a black woman with disabilities who was captaining a massive ship by herself. wow.

then I discovered Billie’s backstory with Deirdre, the way she responded to that, then having to survive while living on the run, and her bisexuality. as well as her history with daud & delilah. fascinating!

she’s an outsider who has so much to lose, and knows what it's like to lose everything - having lost everything not once but three times - but nevertheless speaks truth to power. she's so brave! she went and helped Emily & Corvo and she must have known they might kill her! plus, she’s smart, she’s funny, she gets shit done, she’s gorgeous.

but... the meta

mild critique of fandom & arkane incoming.

skip this bit if you want - you've been warned twice now - jump to tired Hayao Miyazaki and read from there if you'd like my thoughts on writing her.

i thought Death of the Outsider was going to be amazing and then... well. *sad trombone* i've written about that before so i won't keep banging on. i figured others must be disappointed too, so I joined a few fandom spaces in hopes of finding camaraderie.

most people with complaints about DotO didn’t like how the Outsider and Daud were handled. which is valid & I agree. but it seemed like most paid no attention to Billie; when people talk about her it’s with respect to Daud, as opposed to in her own right. you could argue for fandom misogyny because people don’t talk about adult Emily Kaldwin that much either, but in Billie's case, it’s misogynoir (compare & contrast with the popularity of thomas, particularly the popularity of thomas portrayed as a white man for no particular reason that i've been able to discern - i keep asking around, is it in the books???).

i think this is a LOT better now than it used to be, which is fantastic. or perhaps i have found the correct echo-chamber? ha.

ultimately, The Fandom is a fraction of the entire picture, and not even the important bit since The Fandom is not who these games are made for. you can't make money relying on only your hardcore fans even if all of them spent a fortune on merch, this is true for any AAA game.

while it's true that Billie is underrated from a fandom perspective - but Billie as an underwritten protagonist is squarely Arkane’s fault.

it was reasonable when she was a side character - the lack of info in Dh2 makes perfect sense (if anything there was more lore in Dh2 which is kind of wild)-

- but as a protagonist in Death of the Outsider?

.... there’s lousy writing, and there’s whatever is going on with Billie Lurk, a black woman who mostly exists as a foil or saviour for light-skinned characters. In her own game there’s barely any of her own lore except where it's relevant to saving two dudes.

lore hints at, but barely touches on what race means in the Dh universe (xenophobia is stronger in Dh1; separate essay i guess), but Arkane has patted themselves on the back for portraying non-white characters, which feels like the same thing as the aesthetic of diversity we're seeing in advertising currently because it’s in marketing trend guides. it's self-congratulatory and it's a missed opportunity for deeper storytelling.

you can see an example of diversity at its most shallow in the way that Billie’s written: there’s little engagement with her as an entire person with history & wants & preferences, and the world she walks through in that game feels like it has nothing to do with her. you could make a case for alienation as a theme, but then, how do you handle the titular premise of 'Dishonored' without ever letting Billie make changes in an environment without a chaos system? it's disappointing from that angle too.

in my opinion, whatever it's worth, it was an accident Arkane created such an awesome character - they needed someone to betray daud. congrats billie.

all this said, it makes her an underdog as far as characters to enjoy & create art & stories for. it's nice to find so many like-minded, switched on people! <3

billie's character potential

she’s got a wealth of unexplored lore, being deeply intertwined with both Karnaca & Dunwall’s fates & criminal underbellies, as well as her connections to the witches & whalers, and three Empresses.

she’s lived a few distinct lifetimes and in the games we get to meet her at two peaks (KoD & DotO) & a low (Dh2 as Meagan).

her voice is very distinct, her dry & often dark humour is entertaining & fun to write. her perspective is really interesting - she’s had the widest variety of void-powers of anyone canonically, and she’s also lived through the highest highs and lowest lows.

she's got everything going for her :) i couldn't really pick a fav thing!

#i assume my followers are cool enough to let me give a brief measured critique on fandom trends and DotO #thanks for the anon question!! what fun! #i love billie lurk <333 #jumped on the opportunity to rant n rave #what part of billie isn't my fav! (im a guy who likes the bad stuff too. mmm interesting meta) #trying to be not unfair or mean- i'm not targeting anyone but rather trends. and it's ok to be disappointed with something you love #fuck it. make it part of the appeal! her writing sucks! plenty of room for me & other creators! #its easier for me to indulge my billie brainworms when it sorta feels like she's not getting as much love as she deserves #you know? i want stories where her history is explored and her agency is important so i guess i'll roll up my sleeves #tumblr is a terrible place for this sort of critique IMO- lots of nuanceless empathy-free guilt-trip-ish rhetoric #so i hope i avoided that. but not so much that i seem forgiving. #that said i'm not tagging this one with fandom tags! no thank you. #i am blaming arkane yes. but that is also not without games industry context #i could complain about amateurish writing but that also never happens in a vacuum. industry problem(s) for sure. #people love to blame writers for things #and yeah a couple really fucking good writers can push a boulder uphill #but its usually a company problem #hire lots of diverse people in your company. give them authority and respect and reasonable workloads. and no crunch. #ah fuck this is a separate essay in tags. again #THIS WAS A SIMPLE QUESTION #*clutches head in hands* #uh if you're still reading at this point im SO sorry and thank you and i love you

[lemonduckisnowawake]

I've been using tumblr wrong

#*unfollows everyone who isn't a beloved discord friend or someone who tricked me into mutualing them* #see here my biggest problem with social media is that i like the media part but get scared of the social part #also im keeping the people i got onto tumblr for but that's ALL #also i give up on reblogging #have now more than 400 drafts #would rather use this blog as my title says #i mean I'll still reblog but I'll probably mostly use this as a dump for all the stuff that i must get out #that doesn't really have any form #my shapeless blob blog #anyway this isn't me saying don't interact with me #it's just me going i give up on interacting with anyone since that isn't what I Do #anyway people say do whatever with your blog so that I shall

[mid-nightowl]

…can i ask you to share more of your thoughts on fem!jaytim vibes

hi cory!!!! yes, yes i can :) <3

most of my thoughts come from this lil snippet and my tags.

my thoughts on fem!jaytim can be boiled down to this line: “Her successor fascinates her. She kind of wants to let him dissect her, little freak that he is.” 

like tim is a freak who would absolutely want to dissect and take jaye apart piece by piece just to get to the bottom of whatever the hell is wrong with her (obsessive) and jaye would let him bc she wants to know what the hell is wrong with him (affectionate). 

It’s almost a scientist and their never-ending experiment, but not quite?

like the dissection, its the act, the intimacy, the trust in being vulnerable and completely open on the table for them to see, a show and a sight but not a performance, it's the ‘i’m going to take you apart piece by piece, not to fix you or change you, but just to understand you’, and 'i’m going to get my hands dirty and dig into you, and it can be voluntarily or not, it can be with anesthesia or nothing but im going to know you whether you like it or not,' paired with 'you are going to have to cut me open to get to know me, it has to be cold and violent, it has to be artful and methodological.'

but jaye started off with ‘i want to destroy you, take you to the brink, the edge of despair and fury and hatred and let you go without any catharsis,’ kind of like capturing a wild animal, testing on it, and then releasing it back into the wild with a tag to see what it will do after being changed (will it return back to it’s normal routine or will it come back for more?)

and then tim kept coming back. and that's when jaye is like alright yeah, i'll let you rip me open and give me a name (or maybe give me back my name?) and tim does, and he does it carefully, adoringly, obsessively.

and i think tim’s obsessive focus, paired with the idea of the knife/scalpel = love, is what jaye would respond to best. she was raised in violence, and probably thinks that fighting and pain is caring and love, AND she’s never been a priority in anyone’s life. so for tim to obsess and know her in ways that no one else has before (or have even bothered) is captivating, exciting, and absolutely mind-boggling, and i think jaye would get possessive, like ‘this robin, this little freak is mine.'

i, hmmm. running out of coherent thoughts after this, so um i guess enjoy? <3

#asks #felinemotif #i don't write/talk about jaytim very much; ive always been a jaydick girlie #but this was a lot of fun to think about and like actually get down my thoughts in a somewhat coherent manner #i think there's another piece here about the dissection as an intimacy that only requires the subject and the surgeon/scientist #and the idea of labelling and taking photos of the parts something about learning and teaching but also remembering #another part: once the dissection is done once tim knows all of jaye does he stay? #which i think devolves into jaye going out of her way to prolong the dissection bc she thinks it may be temporary between her & tim #whereas tim is thinking okay i know all the pieces and parts which means im the perfect partner for jaye #no one knows her better than me AND no one will get to know her like i do #(the whole dissection thing too like tim is not afraid about hurting jaye whereas bruce is bc he knew her before) #(bruce thinks “dissection” would = change bad or good while tim knows it just means learning and knowing) #like it's going to be painful before it gets better and bruce doesn't want to go through the pain of knowing this version of jaye #bc it means acknowledging what he's done or not done #and tim's a fixer at heart but to fix things you gotta know what you're dealing with #problem is tim fell in love and realized fixing things would just make it worst so #he is very content with his tall gf that could kill him with her thighs and lets him do his freaky experiments<3 #okay wow i was not done with the thoughts ajfkagjbsg imma stop now #jaytim #fem!jaytim

[what-are-even-humans]

So on one hand I got to participate in extubating a patient today but on the other hand I did get an E on my thesis which my advisor told us was "A or maybe B material" and that we were genuinely quite proud of.

#so all in all a Great! and also a Very Bad! day today #studyblr #medblr #isak talks #we called the advisor when we found out and she was absolutely shocked. i was real mad at her at first but now im just hoping #the appeal process will be quick and bring some change. #i mean fuck id honesty rather have an F than an E. at least that way we get to rewrite whatever parts dont actually work. #but seeing as our advisor is shocked too im hoping itll be bumped up cause of the appeal. #also honestly fuck my university for forcing us to change our entire thesis - problem statement and all AFTER the halfway point. #we had already gotten the go ahead! they told us time and time again we wouldn't be penalised for writing about a #relatively rare (but important!) condition. that it was innovative of us to chose a subject where theres been done few high quality studies #and then literally several days after the halfway point they go oh well actually no. you cant do that. #[redacted] university Get Your Shit Together challenge #anyways i love intensive care! pulmonology is great! i made a difference on the ward AND I got to be a part of the extubation team! #which is a great day! (if you ignore my uni being full of shit (as usual)).

[munamania]

i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there

#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru #but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days #and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay! #and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing #i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail #i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time #not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me #im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me #anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early #i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great #and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most #expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth #but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans #but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated #about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like #u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends #w yall. things happen #abby talks #and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw #a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes #OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it #was years ago but also like christ!

[seariii]

Wait what do you mean people don't normally talk to themselves and give themselves therapy-

#what do you mean thats actually self awareness and isn't a common trait #talking to the bestie. he spoke to his mom about his friend's problem that is extremely similar to my friend's problem from yesterday #and what his mother told him helped me as well and now we are like #so we reacted like that because of this and that and im like oh makes sense also probably because idolizing love since aro spec #and hes like yes yes and my mom looked at me like poor little boy he doesnt know and im like whaaaat #so yeah we got external input and now understand a bit better our friends and their problems #and im still surprised by that part that people dont normally sit down with themselves and talk about what's wrong give therapy to themselve #how impressive... anyways im eating now ill probably go back to my normal programing a bit later and will start to annoy everyone #seari talks

[buppypuppy]

.

#vent post essay ahead lol #having complexes about talking about your emotions is literally the fucking devil . its miserable. it sucks so bad. #the aamount of damage that is caused to someone by like #i mean im talking abou t me here obviously. #being the person whose like. overall ultimately tends not to feel horrible as often is like. #it's nice not feeling bad emotionally all the time but also it's like. i develop this complex about being like able to help. #i don't feel bad anywhere near as often as my friends so i can help them out and listen to them vent i can have the mental room to #like listen to them talk about their problems. yeah. but it makes me feel like. well this is my job now so i shouldn't fucking talk about m #i shouldnt vent when i feel bad because that's not what i'm known for. plus my friends already all feel worse than me more often than me. s #i don't want to dump any more on their plate than they have to deal with. i don't want to burden them anymore than i have to. and like it's #it's hard. i hate fucking talking about it and it's made so much worse when its like people i love . always been a fucking problem becaus #i just feel fucking horrible admitting that i feel bad i hate that so much. i don't want to like turn away people who care about me but li #i feel like if i tell them what's wrong with me i'll like do it anyways. i feel like i come off as super normal and happy go lucky and like #ostensibly fine. so when i admit this shit its like. oops the facade is cracking!!!!!! uh oh uh oh you can't help people so you feel bad!!! #because your fucking npd has made you feel self centered in a way that means you want to help people or some shit i dont fucking know #and so when i feel bad or get mad over something unreasonable it's like. well i hope i fucking keel over and die or something i dont like . #i don't want people seeing me like this or whatever. and my stupid fucking personality disorder just ruins every god damn thing its so bad. #my past experiences giving me complexes that lead to me feeling fucking left out over like small stupid stuff but god the worst part is lik #my brain categorizing something as being ''My Thing'' so somebody else talks about liking my thing AFTER my brain has designated it mine #makes alarm bells go off and feel like theyre fucking. i don't know encroaaching on my turf or what the fuck ever? it SUCKS ASS #it makes me feel HORRIBLE . and it's like i'm not gonna fucking bring it up because i don't wnt to be like a dick but also it's like well. #i feel fucking miserable about this but it's just like mean and unnecessary and cruel to like stifle people's fucking fun because of my dum #fuckin complexes. it's fucking constant. like oh look at you girl you feel fucking left out because you never get characters who really gri #you mentally and so now you have one but oops! someone else talked about them and now you're seeing red! you like this person though #so you're gonna feel fucking MISERABLE about this . you're gonna feel HORRIBLE because of this. and there's nothing you can fucking do #and it controls my goddamn life and i HATE IT i fucking HATE IT i wish i knew how to fix it. ghghrgurghrughruhg i want to fucking explode #and then you feel bad about feeling bad because you are fucking sisyphus. you're sisyphus. and your own anger is your boulder. you ingrate. #i hate this. i just wanted to have a good day. #jane mary cry one tear

[konfizry]

Anyway speaking of the sun did I ever tell you about the tales of arise eclipses

#im thinking about it again xyhdfgdchdchjh #do you think they like. considered it #i MEAN ofc they did #they cided that sun disappearing behind rena but dO YOU THINK #that they initially planned to have that actually impact like. the WORLD #in a significant manner? #with the actual luminosity level being affected and all #because like for cyslodia iirc this means no sunlight in the morning #(or cyslodia that we get to explore cyslodia's pretty big after all) #but like i can see how this is a problem like #you liberate cyslodia that is the One Realm where its always nighttime except when you end the renans' grasp on the region there #it still doesnt get a full day of sunlight because of astronomical reasons that we cant do anything about yet #also probably the region of the Central Ocean is in perpetual darkness as well but for those same astronomical reasons #like it GERS CONFUSING it would confuse everything idk #but heres the solution: you ditch that cyslodia in endless nighttime idea bc it was stupid in the first place #like. in calaglia they harvest fire astral energy so its a fiery place. theres fire everywhere. in menancia theyre harvesting #earth astral energy so its super lush and green. and so on and so forth #and in cyslodia theyre harvesting light astral energy so theres. theres no light. its dark. because theyre stealing it!!!!! #well why usnt menancia a barren wasteland then. why isnt ganoth super dry. wha #i COULD accept it if like. maybe. if like the completely stealing the light thing us like. ganabelt specifically. #like hes just a Special Boy and found a way to pull all the stops #and something like that has never been done before in the history of the crown contest #but no this has been going since the great conquest apparently so??? #like how arent the other lords doing something like that too? #is light astral energy like so fundamentally different that the harvesting process is the opposite of what happens in other realms? #and if thats the case why dont they ever explain it in the game. or just make a pasing comment about it. I'm not picky #aaaanyway. just get rid of that specific cyslodia plot point #and THEN you can focus on how living in the shade of rena influenced what parts of Dahna #like. to just kinda like. cement the world building a bit?

[horrorwebs]

why are men literally the fucking worst

#theres a guy in one of my uni friend groups who has a crush on my friend also from the friend group #and she feels so so uncomfortable plus she hasnt done ANYTHING thatd give a hint that she likes him back. bc she doesnt #and now she doesnt feel ok around because hes so attached to her and so so needy and its like. well. way to fuck it up dude. fuck you #he has been acting so strange lately and not in a good way. strange awkward and needy and like. possesive. #her and i also have another friendgroup where frankly i feel much better with and she does too. and its like. well the guy is always like #butting in but now really being part of anything? like its not like he comes over to the grouo to be with all of us hes just sort of . there #talking only to her or sometimes me but its like not nice its weird and annoying #ALSO HES SO PATRONIZING TOWARDS HER ITS AWFUL #AND hes like. a bit older.... where its not like. the weirdest age gap i dont think so. but it IS a bit weird considering some of the things #he has said. like the other day he made a comment about how my friend 'well shes so young like people her age sometimes dont get [x]' like? #if you think she is SOOO young and SOOO out of touch with people your age well why the fuck are you asking others if you have a chance w her #get away from her really #sidenote: today she was telling me and a different friend about this problem and my other friend said it was really uncomfortable and bad + #that he used to think the guy had a thing for ME BEFORE??? and i dont know if he also thought -i- had a thing for him but please god no. #even the hypothetical made me feel super uncomfortable. also i used to feel like that a bit like he might like me and it was bad and gross #so i dropped a comment that let him believe i was a lesbian i think? also got much colder towards him . like. thats what you get fucker #about the lesbian thing i meant that he told me about a friend of his that had it hard coming out as a lesbian and i said like oh yeah being #like that was hard for me also. finding out i was not straight was tough etc . #dont remember if i said the word lesbian i dont think so but i did say i like girls and i didnt mention boys at all so i hoped itd be enough #also people dont really -get- what being asexuas means + didnt want to tell him im ace + techically i Can like boys bc romantic attraction #is undefined to me but i was definetely not going to tell him that bc 1. im much more prone to like a girl and 2. not trying to get his hope #up. #so anyway it was gross to realize other people saw it too so i mightve actually not been insane to think he had a crush on me but it was bad #and also. i really need for my friend to be comfortable in class so i might have to kill him who knows. well see #spikeposting #personal

[hecksupremechips]

The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules

#the klock keeps ticking #i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter #cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟 #a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts #and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it #plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice #i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of #commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out #but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just #wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts #aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally #i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is #and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route #cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet #its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately #and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing #and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god #like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better #she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years #like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex #and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn #and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset #rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions #and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand #that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good #character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let #her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’ #but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make #everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED #ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING

[gibbearish]

i can't take any discourse post seriously if it says "x side is refusing to listen to survivors" because if you can't accept that survivors are not a monolith and may disagree with you in regards to your shared type of trauma then it really begs the question, are YOU actually listening to survivors? or are you only listening to the ones who say what you already thought and disregarding the rest as a) people who are incapable of understanding their own trauma and therefore can't be trusted to make decisions about it for themselves or b) outright fakers?

#i also go out of way to try and take all discourse posts with a heaping helping of salt but these ones specifically im like #conflicting access needs dude what hurts you might help another person so you need to step back and ask yourself if what they're doing #is overall harmful or just harmful to you specifically and act accordingly #theres nothing wrong with you being the problem here‚ its ok to be like 'i cant be around this' and dip #ik the word problem has negative connotation but idk ive always felt like my brain worked a little differently than other ppls w that #problem doesnt mean anything morally bad it just means somethings not working as intended and so #you need to problem solve to fix it #you have a problem that is you can't be around xyz thing while others can #and in your own spaces youre allowed to solve that problem by requesting others not bring it in with them if doable or to work together #to minimize its impact on you if you have to be around it #but in spaces where that thing is accepted and enjoyed and you are the outlier‚ theres nothinf shameful abt the solution to that problem #being removing yourself from that space #you were the problem‚ so you solved the problem. it doesnt have to be a bad thing yknow? #same with 'broken' ive had multiple people to me explain why i shouldnt use that word about myself but im like #no i understand abt forming neural pathways with negative words but its not negative to me genuinely !!! its just a descriptor!!!! #like. a part of my body is supposed to work/exist in a specific way‚ but it didnt. it was broken‚ it couldnt perform its intended function #it was broken‚ and we fixed it #you wouldnt tell me to call a broken bone a fuckin. 'area for improvement bone' it got broke! it dont work anymore!! #my brain doesnt produce the chemicals its supposed to‚ its BROKEN and im taking medicine to fix it #i think veronica got it but i only got to see her for a few months #anyways. that was kind of offtopic but i think still follows the central theme of just. understanding that sometimes people's brains #work different from yours and they process the world differently than you #i dont call other people broken because i know that would be mean given how their brains interpret the word but i do feel comfortable #using my own version of language to describe myself #autism dialect KENFKSBFKSBFMDB