#it brings out so so much anxiety in me

[httpiastri]

#im about to FREAK OUT bcs of my boss #like yes i'm so thankful and happy to be employed. really. #but my boss is so #it feels like he's never doing anything.... he's only in the office max 2 days per week and idk #hes just very strange #but the worst thing is that he just takes his own work and dumps it on me #which is fine in some ways! like i sometimes just sit around with no work to do #so then it's good to have something to do #but today... not only did i already have a shit ton of work to do but #he tells me to book a hotel for a conference they're having ?? and that's not even near what's in my work description?????? #(i basically just do numbers rn. i sit with spreadsheets and move numbers around and stuff like that) #and the worst part is that he told me i cant email them... i must call........ #and i get that this sounds super silly to those who don't have a fear of speaking on the phone but #it makes me freak the f out #i cant even talk on the phone with my parents. or my brother. or a friend. like genuinely just no i cant #it brings out so so much anxiety in me #i get dizzy just thinking about it #and again this is really really not even similar to anything in my job description ???? i wouldn't have signed up if i knew i had to do thi #and when i have things that i need to do but i physically cant then my brain just goes into pause mode and i don't do anything at all #instead of doing one of the many things i *could* do (like write an email anyway) #there's just no way im gonna be able to call but idk what my boss is gonna think if i mail.... because he specifically said that i must cal #rrGGG im just so frustrated!!!!! #and i needed to get this out.... soz for the rant #i just think i would cry (genuinely) if i were to make that call #alSO BECAUSE THE INSTRUCTION IS SO UNCLEAR LIKE ALWAYS WITH THIS GUY #I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO DO #gonna go drink a lot of water so i dont cry now 👍 sorry bye

[shikai-the-storyteller]

AWH... I'm skipping through Roier's QSMP Day 1 VOD because I'm looking for a specific thing, and I just noticed that when Jaiden stands in front of the group to do her introduction and her mic isn't working, Mariana laughs (not in a mean way, I laughed too) and Roier immediately smacks him and tells him off for laughing.

[Timestamp ~36m 50s, volume warning for Quackity's awful mic]

It's such a little thing, but I think it's really sweet in retrospect, especially considering how Roier and Jaiden have become such good friends in recent weeks :')

#i talk #qsmp talk #legitimately though I frickin adore Roier and Jaiden's friendship IT'S SO SWEET THEY'RE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS... #Jaiden was so nervous the first few days of QSMP and she talked about how she was too anxious to talk to people she didn't know #So this Egg event really helped her (and a lot of other people too) #It gave everyone a chance to make friends / bonds with people they might not have interacted with as much otherwise #it's just really sweet #I've got a special place in my heart for Jaiden I like her a lot #I used to watch her animations a bunch because my little cousin loves her #then I just kinda stopped because I don't watch Youtube creators much and my memory is awful #But QSMP made me start watching her again #and I found out all the stuff she's had to go through and I watched her videos where she talks about more serious stuff / her personal life #and like not to sound parasocial or whatever but my ''protective parental instinct'' went nuts after hearing all that #she's been through the wringer but it seems like she's doing a lot better #she's really funny and cool #but social anxiety is still a nightmare #I'm really glad she got Roier as her Egg partner -- he's so friendly and nice I think it really helped her relax a lot #and she's actually learning more Spanish despite saying she had 0 Spanish knowledge whatsoever when joining the server!!! #Idk man I'm just really proud of everything everyone's been doing on the server #and I'm really proud of Quackity for bringing people together like this. It's amazing #I love him so much and I'm so grateful this server exists. #First and Best Multilingual server baby!!! #Anyways I forgot how bad Quackity's mic sucked from literally everyone else's perspectives on Day 1 LMFAO #Roier specifically says ''Don't laugh!'' and ''Give [her] a pass!'' (for the mute issue) #alright I added a clip I can't not put a clip for this

[itspileofgoodthings]

If Jane Austen could write about my family from the outside and I could read it then maybe I would be healed.

#moving out has helped! but is there is not a new social life/core for me yet #maybe ever? idk #but within the actual family unit there is ….. so much going on #so much suffering. so much change. unbelievable levels of stress and anxiety and depression #like I really cannot emphasize enOUGH how much #and my parents are essentially full time caregivers #and I both want to help and be a stabilizing factor and I also want to be honest about how much of a toll it takes on me #because i think it’s A Lot #but also I don’t like modern rhetoric on any of these difficult topics and I reject it even though I use a lot of the language #hence why I need Jane Austen to do it for me #to bring this full circle #anyways if you could say a prayer for us. for my parents especially but also my sister #well all the sisters and my brothers! #anyway reflecting angsting etc. #tbh I would love to know the medium of the average family’s unhappiness and stress #Because I think ours is off the charts #But idk. Would love to know more tbh #I would love to know if a lot of it just the human condition! But sometimes I’m just like this is not normal lol #thanks for listening

[inkykeiji]

>.<

#tw clari overshares #i really need to start making new friends on here and being more active #but the issue is just the mere *thought* of that fucking terrifies me #just typing out that single sentence has my heart pounding and my hands shaking and my stomach churning #i really wish i was kidding or over-exaggerating #i want so badly to make new friends and be active in a little community on here again #but i’m so so so scared #(of what?????????? of what!!!!!!!!!!!) #bring me back to 2020 clari who talked to people despite the anxiety and was so damn active and was having an absolute blast!!! #what happened to her!!!!! #she got really sick i guess #it’s crazy like sometimes i just scroll through my archive and i can SEE it #i can see myself getting sicker and sicker and withdrawing more and more #feeding into the fear and letting it win #and now i’m here #in this hole that i’m going to have to claw myself out of IN SPITE OF the terror i feel #i miss being a part of this community so much #i miss being able to post little drabbles willy nilly and not having breakdowns over them not being perfect #NOT obsessing over my own work and flaws it may have #i miss having fun #YES my writing is extremely important to me and YES i want to one day write for a living in some capacity #but since when did that mean i had to cut everyone off??? seclude myself in a protective little bubble??? #the only person who can fix this is me #(obviously hahaha) #it’s about time i put on my big girl pant(ie)s and faced that fear head on #i’m so sick of it dominating and controlling so much of my life #why did i let it take something so fucking important to me??? #i have to end it!!! #if u got this far in the tags: thank you and i’m sorry for venting #i just feel like i NEED to say this

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#oh wow... #i just had an oh shit fuck moment #wow #i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying #if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time #and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted #so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself #because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to #go in myself either way was way worse to me #because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to #''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever #and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in #and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day... #all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed #although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words: #''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in'' #which is ridiculous #but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it? #forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me? #pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread? #panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head? #yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)? #isn't that literally what masking is?! #and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem'' #when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?! #you know what's the best part about all this #that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above] #my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''.... #same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit'' #ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...

[miabrown007]

girl who sucks at making OCs needs to make a DnD character send help

#I did make one who was rad but then got vetod by the DM and now I handed in a half-elf wizard but she's just so basic #she literally has no personality send help #and also idk what direction should we take because I have no idea what the other people will be like in the party #and I'm the only girl player there so I don't want for that to be like be a thing and bring a stereotipically girly character #and I could make her like a standard bookish wizard which obviously stands very close to me and would be super easy to play #but that's so cliche and I don't want to be like everyone's mom in game if everyone else is just running around and fucking shit up #but I know that I'll have a harder time playing a more reckless and careless character and if there isn't going to be someone #thinking for the team and we just go headfirst into stuff that also sucks. #and like I like to be someone who thinks about the solutions it just can't just be me being the party pooper if you get me #but poor wizard girl is just so mid with her 'my parents wanted me to be an X wizard but I'm gonna be an Y wizard instead' backstory #like wow such rebellion you're gonna show them girl #but at this point I'm a week behind schedule so I need to have a character like for yesterday #and I don't want to just copy others' dnd characters from D20 but they have like a group cohesion and individual arcs and that's so cool #and I suck at making up little men #miaing #mia's dnd adventures #I'm stressing so much over just making a character and meeting strangers bringing a character with anxiety disorder wouldn't even be rp #I guess great that my sorcerer got vetoed how would I play out being the face of the party

[caffeine-high]

hehe mom's mad disappointed at me for dying my hair

#but think about the solicitations and interviews.. i just don't think it was a smart decision for you to do this.. #im sure im not the only one who thinks so! honestly even the bleaching was already a bit much but this? #dont think she'll grow into liking this one.. #you could have just left it at “oh well.. i dont really like this one” maybe have thrown in “but im glad you like it” and left it at that?? #well ya knwo i also wasnt planning on pink but now im definitely keeping it out of spite #also #dont bring your dislike for dyed hair into my anxieties???? #if the companies i want to do my internship at make a fuss about dyed hair then i dont think i want to work there??? like??? #otherwise i would have done it after they'd hired/accepted me?? #caffeines cackles

[copiasblair]

i am a normal well-adjusted adult who brings a plushie of their fictional husband everywhere to cope with their anxiety

#i started out just bringing him to my health class but now he's just coming with me everywhere #he's sitting by my bag at work right now and i was cuddling him earlier #just. genuinely. he makes me feel so much less anxious #and as someone with pretty severe anxiety. that's very very nice #this is what they mean when they say comfort character #what do you have to say doll?

[hella1975]

woke up at 8am. it’s now 10am. ive memorised two flashcards. would love for the Terror to kick in and make me productive right about now

#2 down 68 more to go!!!! i have three hours left to salvage this!!!! #my flatmate is doing an exam rn in her room and we’re just texting each other about how much we can’t bring ourselves to care #like this is absurd for me i literally have exam anxiety so bad that I had to get HELP for it #ME! GETTING HELP!! WILLINGLY!! #wdym im now just unbothered to the point of sabotage #I’m TELLING you the pill has just taken every human emotion out of me #hella goes to uni

[skaluli]

"this wulf fellow has choice language"

#artluli #tf2 #i dont really like how this turned out its really bad #added shading to try and make it better but it looks worse but i guess ill post it anyway i suppose #if youre wondering why im sweating its because im terrified of playing online multiplayer games #that might sound weirdly specific but dude it gives me so so so much anxiety #ive been wanting to play more but i cant bring myself to do it because im too scared #“scared of what skaluli” the people and how well i perform #i would rather play a horror game because that shit doesnt scare me as much as fearing judgement of the people i play with because im shit #i know i shouldnt care what other people think and should just try and have fun but god this shit is scary #before anyone says anything i turned off voice chat straight away when i downloaded it thank god thats an option #but even without hearing their voices i feel like i can still hear their thoughts and judgement and anger #it took hours of trying to convince myself and then someone else telling me ill be okay just to play the game for a little bit #and when i got to leave i felt like i was having a fucking anxiety attack #anyway i really like this game but im way too scared to play it! which is fucking stupid that thats even a reason

[cinnamon-notes]

crying at work bye.

#can i just have a hug FOR GODS SAKE??? #enough of this already. #why do they have to keep bullying me??? #why do they have to keep triggering my social anxiety and neurodivergent struggles??? #you guys have no idea how hard it is for me to even bring myself to get out of bed and walk to work every damn morning #why do you have to make it all much more difficult??? #you have no idea how many times in a day i would very much rather jump off the fucking bridge on the way home. you really don't. so stop. #cuz i dont deserve this #and if i do then i just cant do it anymore #i cant bear your bullying anymore #im not that strong #cinnamon darkness #cinnamon at work

[milo-is-rambling]

I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?

#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like. #what? am I missing something here? #my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day #but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both #gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a #bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of #being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even #with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like #go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m #afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make #this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s #so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room #and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until #my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and #that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad #anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know. #honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down

[vilelittlecritter]

Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"

People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"

Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"

#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse #like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont #ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean #i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun #lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly #oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well #the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that #oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour #as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little #so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends! #ha ha. this is agony. #i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone #which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one #also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse #i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy #its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking #yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much #im also just really snappy sometimes #I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine #they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them #i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents #they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them #sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone #i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it #sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay #I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor #again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon #if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed #personal rambles #vent tag

[euphor1a]

You ever talk with someone and realize holy shit maybe I’m not the problem, I wasn’t the one all along....

#🌺; aleyna rambles #😦 damn... #yannie if you see this thanks so much for trying to keep contact before and reaching out now that you’ve also spread your wings #to be a full on multi here on hellsite #i knew past experiences affected me but didn’t realize that it was to that extent??? 😔 #i’ll try my best to hopefully be better at interacting and try to rebuild the connections i had made previously 😔 #if possible of course... there’s no guarantee people would want me back yk. and it’ll be extremely hard for me to actually try #with the ghosts from the past haunting me and all 😔 #i’ll try to be a better sociable person when i’m around basically #life will require me to take breaks pretty often but when i’m around. i’ll try. i moved blogs for a reason but #i really haven’t been able to use that for my leverage? i’ve been on guard the whole time and felt the same anxiety as i did before #😭😭😭 #damn. #rant tw #i bring i bring all the trauma-ma-ma #all the trauma-ma-ma #💀💀💀 #i can’t this is sending me #sorry to anyone reading this ksjsjkd probably makes no sense 😭

[polaroidcats]

i'm actually going out for drinks tonight for the first time in ages but now it's been 4 hours since i sent a reminder/are-we-still-on-for-tonight? text into the groupchat and the only person who replied so far is the one who already said they'd be over an hour late because of work but i was the one who made the reservation so i feel like i need to be on time and the radio silence is doing wonders for my anxiety

#ramblings #and the other friend who said she was definitely coming also already told me she'll probably be late because she has dinner plans #i can just already see myself sitting there alone waiting for them for ages ughhgggg i love uncertain plans so much!!!!/s #doesn't stress me out AT ALL i'm so chill #and idek who else is or isn't coming bc we made the plans so long ago bc its a uni reunion kinda thing #so now i'm just sat at home anxiously waiting for ANYONE in the groupchat to reply and say if they'll be there on time #bc i don't want to just sit there on my own for an hour until the others arrive #anyways i'll just bring a book #to get the party started #love having anxiety so much it makes all the experiences SO MUCH MORE FUN #like stressing out abt something that hasnt even happened #anxiety #also this is the kind of thing i would never post on any other social media lol bc i would be afraid of sounding like a loser #but on tumblr i can be my true authentic loser self 💞✨✨ #me? going out? it's less likely than you think!