#moving out has helped! but is there is not a new social life/core for me yet

[laneywrld]

things lost and things found | Lewis Hamilton

part two

word count: 10k

warnings: smut, smut, more smut, fluff.

A man not made for commitment also doesn’t know how to communicate

It's safe to say that since that night in Cannes nearly two months ago, the lines have blurred.

Every night Clem spends with Lewis ends with her falling asleep nestled in his arms.

Some nights, they don't even have sex; he just calls her up to see him. 

Their outings are no longer limited to his bedroom or whatever hotel he's shacked up in. They're often found all over tabloids and fan pages, seen out at clubs or dinners or even on simple excursions such as shopping or taking walks.

Clementine tries her hardest to remember that Lewis was noncommittal. He would never ever even think about dating her or taking her seriously. That realization and his vocally telling her to not make things weird every time he can see that he catches her off guard keeps her on track. 

Clem knew what she signed up for; quite literally, the NDA she signed entailed every component of their relationship.

Besides the weird butterflies she got around Lewis, life was only getting better and better.  

Being around someone who understands her fully and allows her to completely unravel herself to them has really been good for Clem socially and career-wise.

She was less awakward around people, less reserved and she felt like hey, this man has accepted me for my every little flaw, why wouldn't other people. 

She was moving up in the world, and people loved her for who she was, and for the first time ever, she did too.

She's won an emmy for her netflix show, her movie was breaking records, and she was finally stepping out of her box and showcasing other skills she had.

Along with this new burst of confidence came new relationships. 

She's been trying to go out on dates to see if now was finally the time for her to try to settle down and find something serious.

That what she was doing currently, at dinner sitting across from some NBA players as he rambles on and on about different shots he couldve taken during the game, the he most definitely lost.

Clem hums, eyes feigning interest as he describes how he actually wasn't open when he tried to go for a three-pointer. Shocker, he missed.

When he excuses himself to run to the bathroom, she whips out her phone, seeing that Lewis texted her. 

Lewis 🏁

How's your date?

She shakes her head, typing out her response.

dense. how's silverstone? 

Lewis 🏁

Nerve-wracking, my car is still shit.

i'm sorry 😞  

Lewis 🏁

I'm going to need you tonight.

Lewis, i'm on a date.

Clem scoffs, but the smile on her face as she presses send is misleading.

Lewis 🏁

Is he getting lucky tonight?

NO!

Lewis 🏁

So why can't I?

Clem feels the familiar tingle in her core and places her phone face down on the table just as her date takes his seat in front of her again. 

She can't help the incredulous eyebrow raise she gives him as she sees a powdery substance painting his nostril.

"Yeah, it was nice meeting you, love." She smiles politely as she stands and motions for him to wipe his nose. He lifts his camera just as Clem drops enough money to cover her bill and tip the waitress generously. 

She hops into the black SUV, thanking her driver for helping her into the back. She unlocks her phone and sees another message from Lewis.

Lewis 🏁

My jet will be waiting for you.

That is precisely how Clementine ended up in Lewis' hotel room, waiting for him on the bed as he took a quick shower. 

When he emerges from the bathroom she can only offer him an uplifting smile, he looks so tired and so stressed. 

It helps, it always does which is why Lewis wanted her here in the first place. She was like sunrise after the darkest of nights.

"Hi," she coos, opening her arms for the muscly man.

He falls into her arms, his torso bare and his bottom half swaddled in a towel. He lays his head in her lap as she sits against the headboard. He looks up at her face as she stares down at his, and she physically pouts as she brings her fingers up to massage the stress lines from his face.

"That bad?" she whispers as his eyes flutter closed. Lewis sighs, grumbling out a faint "Yeah."

"You don't have to go through it much longer, at least." She tries and she knows it does nothing to take the heavy weight of mercedes off of his shoulders.

"You feel like you're carrying the weight of the world." She hums, her hands traveling down to rub the tension out of his neck. Her fist rubs up and down from the sides of his neck to the crook of his shoulders.

Lewis lets out a relaxed sigh, letting her work on him. 

She doesn't know how long she sits there with him snuggled into her lap as she kneads the tension from his body. 

After a while, she connects to his speaker and plays music. She has Lewis turn over onto his stomach as she slips from underneath him.

She hums as she sits on his bottom and begins massaging his back. "Your back is bruised."

"I was bouncing around like crazy in that fucking car." He curses.

Clementine bends down, pressing kisses around his back on the purple and red marks adorning his skin. 

Lewis closes his eyes, relishing in the comfort she gives him.

Lewis has noticed it, too, the turn their dynamic has taken. He is aware that he has given slight leeway to the emotional part of their relationship. 

He finds himself thinking about Clem plenty throughout the days. Buys things he thinks she'll like. He's grown accustomed to placing delicate pecks on her lips and face randomly throughout their time together; he can't help it.

Something about her has him wanting her all of the time, not even in th physical way. He just wants her to be with him.

"Can you come out to the race tomorrow?" He rasps.

She sits up, her legs still encaging his body. "Hmm, I don't think your publicity team will like that, people are already speculating about us."

"I don't care." Lewis argues, "It's about time you come to a race, wanna see you immediately not wait to get to the hotel and then see you."

His words make her heart thump harsher, and suddenly, all of the warnings from her publicist dissipate.

"Okay." 

Lewis didn't initiate sex between them that night. He simply turns over with her still on top of him and places his hands on her thighs.

"Come here," he whispers, reaching up to tug her head down to his face.

Their lips lock and it's not rushed or leading to anything. It's like how he kissed her in France. It's just sweet?

She can feel his heart against her chest as she is pressed against him, beating rampantly. "Thank you for showing up for me." He mutters against her lips. She grins against him as she remembers the words she scribbled onto the note she'd given him with her gift.

"Always." she breathes, diving back in to kiss him. One hand travels to her waist, and the other has a soft grip on the back of her neck. 

She feels his member poke against her thigh, and she sits up as much as she can with his hand on her neck, ready to free him from the towel, but the hand he had on her waist stops her actions with a grip on her wrist.

"I just want to lay with you tonight, if that's okay?"

Just when she thought she was safe from her tom-foolish thoughts, she felt her suppressed feelings for Lewis take light again. Don't make it weird, she thinks to herself. "Okay." 

Lewis sits up, his hand returning to her hip; she is sat in his lap, legs folded, and his body pushes her slightly back as he tugs on the comforter. He falls back taking her with him and pulls the thick comforter over her body which lays against his chest.

"What's one thing that surprised you about me?"

Clem traces her fingers on his chest in deep thought, "that you don't do relationships."

"Why that?"

"You're a lover boy at heart." Clem chortled, "Literally just a sweetheart. Most men who can't see themselves being with someone don't act as affectionate with women."

Lewis lets out a hmm sound, his hand still gliding up and down her back beneath his t-shirt that she wore.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Good, there's nothing wrong with being a sweetheart; bad if someone gets the wrong idea; I have a feeling you're an easy man to fall in love with."

Lewis presses a kiss to her hairline, butterflies doing summersaults in his belly. 

-

They wake up the next morning in the same position, with Clem's face nestles in the crook of his neck. Lewis smiles as he reaches over to turn off his alarm.

"Gotta get up, Clem." He soothes, rubbing up and down her back. 

"Mhmm." She moans in denial, cuddling deeper into him. "No."

"Come on, beautiful."

He sits up, forcing her up with him.

She flutters her eyes open and wraps her arms around his neck. 

He chuckles at her defiance, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and standing. He taps her thigh and she gets the message, wrapping them around his waist.

He walks her into the bathroom and sits her down on the bathroom counter. "Sit here, be careful." He orders, unraveling her from his body. He almost gives up and tucks her back into bed as she whines at him.

He leaves the bathroom and returns with a small bag of hers. She slumps against the mirror as she hears him rustling about. When she hears the faucet turn on and then feels his big hands massage circles into her cheeks, she opens her eyes.

There, she sees Lewis standing there with a cheeky smile, his hands lathered in her face soap as he massages the suds onto her face.

"Going to have to get my girl ready myself, huh?" He questions.

She only smirks at him and closes her eyes, letting him work through her skincare routine step by step, laughing as he inquires about every product.

When he finishes, he washes his own face and then passes her toothbrush to her. He stands between her legs as they both brush their teeth. Both of them stare at each other with googly eyes, laughing as foam bubbles from their mouths. When she leans over to spit into the sink, he follows shortly after and then pours a capful of mouthwash for her and them himself. And again, they stare into each other's eyes, giggly and gleaming, as they swish the liquid between their puffy cheeks.

This is where Clementine struggled with the status of their agreement. These weren't the actions of a man who didn't intend to be in a relationship. But she had heard of Lewis and his many flings and "friends" and she knew that he was a very affectionate person so once again she willed away the thought that there was any chnace of Lewis ever straying away from his bachelor lifestyle. 

She pats his shoulder beckoning him to step away, when he does she hops down and releases the last of the contents from her mouth into the sink and stepping aside so Lewis can do the same. 

"I'm going to grab my clothes." She informs.

As she lays her outfit options across the bed, she hears a vibration beneath her shirt, and she leans over the bed, patting until she finds the culprit. When she feels the device, she pulls it from underneath and sees that it's not her phone but Lewis'.

The screen lights up with notifications. 

One catches her eye from, Natalie.

Lewis did feel comfortable enough to disclose his other flings to her, and she nearly shit herself when he associated them all with cities. She remembers the way he laughed when she asked if she needed to get tested. Then she asked if he had referred to her as Clementine, NYC.

Natalie, Silverstone. She recalls.

It wasn't like she was intentionally snooping, but as the screen lit up in her hand again, she couldn't help but read the message as it appeared.

Still on for tomorrow?

At first, she feels a pang in her chest, but then she remembers her place, and she gently sits his phone on the nightstand, allowing the screen to turn off.

"Hey, you okay?" Lewis questioned, poking his head from the bathroom, realizing that she had stopped responding to him. 

She is stood facing the bed with her hands on her hips, scanning her oufits. "Yeah," she smiles though it doesn't quite meet her eyes. 

He eyes her quizically, but when she chuckles at his facial expression, pulls her outfit from the bed, and saunters into the bathroom with him, he relaxes.

Clem is in her head, and she hopes it's not obvious to Lewis.

But she can't help but wonder why he would fly her out just to make plans to sleep with another woman in the span of two days.

She's hurt, and she's jealous, and she knows she shouldn't be, but a part of her wants to slap the shit out of him. 

Instead, she refrains and plays into whatever sick bullshit he was playing with her heart unintentionally.

-

She arrives to the paddock with Lewis and she tries not to grimace as he tells a journalist that he brings friends with him to races all of the time, as they pass by.

He opens the door to the Mercedes motorhome like the proper gentleman he is and directs her into his room.

"I'm just going to change into my suit, and then we can head to the garage, okay?"

She nods and pulls out her phone. Already, she sees that they are trending. 

Lewis steps out of the room and leaves the door open. A few minutes pass before she hears an audible gasp.

When she looks up, she sees a bright-eyed George Russell.

"Hello, Hi! I'm George, I'm a big fan." He enters the compact room, his hand outstretched before him. She stands from Lewis' bed and accepts his hand.

"Hi, George, I'm Clem."

"I know who you are. What are you doing here?" He wonders.

"I'm a friend of Lewis'. I wanted to see you guys race today."

George stutters out a wow, beginning to ramble on before he is interrupted by a throat clearing at the door. There stands Lewis, with a burning look on his face that makes George immediately drop her hand.

"Lewis." He gasps, "How do you literally know everyone, man?"

She smiles, raising her eyebrows behind Lewis as George rambles about her.

Lewis claps his hands against George's shoulder before speaking, "I love you, kid. But we've got to get going."

And then he reached his arm around George and latched onto Clem and pulled her from behind him.

George stammers out a quick bye, and Clem waves sweetly at him as Lewis pulls her from the motorhome and towards the garage.

"He's so sweet," Clem coos, and Lewis only grunts out a "yeah."

"He looks like a literal prince charming." She extends.

Lewis doesn't want to hear her call his teammate any more kinds of cute, so he opts not to respond.

When they finally reach the garage, he is sitting her down beside Toto, who introduces himself with a warm and welcoming smile.

She accepts his hand, gently shaking it, and in return, Lewis gets whisked away.

She enjoys her time in the garage, whilst Lewis talk to his strategist she is sat beside Toto and a few engineers and she feels like she is on a field trip as they explain the many different parts of their setup. Finally Lewis appears at her side again, beckoning her to follow him. She accepts his hand, lifting from her seat and walking hand in hand with him to his car.

"Wow." she gasps as she studies the racing car.

"You want to get in?" Lewis questions. She turns to him with wide eyes, and Lewis can see the excitement in her dark orbs.

"You don't like people in your car." She reminds, peering back down at it.

"I said I don't let just anyone in my car, are you just anyone?" He is staring at her so intensely it has her body on fire.

She felt shy underneath his gaze as he stepped closer to her.

She stands tall, looking up at him through her lashes. He's nearly bumping chests with her as he looms over her.

"There's an entire team in here, Lewis, and cameras." She whispers only loud enough for the two of them to hear.

He doesn't care. He leans down, his mouth near her ear, "Are you just anyone to me, Clementine?"

She swallows nervously as he takes a step back, "No."

"Then get in the fucking car."

Toto watches on from his seat in amazement as Lewis lifts her frame into the car. He then turns and looks into the camera with his eyebrows raised as to show his impressment. 

He put two and two together that she was a personal guest for Lewis. It was obvious since Mercedes had already planned for Tom Cruise and Damson Idris' arrival for the race today.

Lewis leans into the car as he motions to different parts on the inside of the automobile. 

Clem honestly couldn't give two fucks about the car, but she was relishing in how passionate Lewis looked and sounded as he spoke about every aspect of it. She hadn't moved her eyes from his face not once, and Lewis froze as he turned to face her and saw the wanting look adorning her features.

It has him hard instantly.

"Behave." He warns, turning his head to survey their surroundings.

"You're fine as fuck when you're talking cars."

Lewis chuckles, and a blush comes up to cover his cheeks. He lifts his hand, his knuckles skimming along her jaw.

"I want to kiss you, but people will see."

She drops her face against his hand, puckering her bottom lip out at him.

"Aw, too bad." She whispers seductively, and Lewis whispers out a quiet "fuck." as she tugs her bottom lip between her teeth. His thumb reaches up and drags it back out.

"Gotta be nice to me right now, Clem. Hmm?" He hums, not bothering to remove his thumb from her lip. He smears his finger across, watching as it pops back into place. 

"Help me out of this car." She smirks, lifting her arms, "Before you do something you'll regret, there are cameras around."

"I don't give a fuck about the cameras." He rasps and breaks out into a grin when she bursts into a fit of laughter. He smacks his teeth, standing up straight, preparing to get her out.

"You like fucking with me." He declares.

Lewis helps her from the car, his hands probably lingering on her lower back for far too long once she's back on the ground.

"Lewis." He hears, and when he turns around, he sees Tom and Damson.

He pulls Clem with him, introducing her to the pair. He instantly regrets it when he sees the way Damson eyes her down like she's a refreshing tall glass of water.

 Tom starts up a conversation with Lew about the business they need to handle for his upcoming movie, but his eyes can't leave Clem's frame, and how Damson brings her hand up to his lips. 

He feels like a suicidal maniac when he watches her laugh and smile at whatever he is saying.

He'd met him before, and trust, whatever he was saying couldn't possibly be that funny.

Lewis wants to rip Toto's head off as he directs the two of them into a set of empty seats. He was less than present during the conversation with Tom, and he hoped he hadn't noticed. His arms are folded over his chest, and his foot is tapping the ground anxiously. He tries not to make it obvious when he directs Tom to his spot and takes his in order to keep an eye on Clem.

When the time for the start of race gets closer he is thankful to see om take his place beside Toto. 

He saunters over to the still chatty pair and stands in front of Clem. He waits for her to notice him, and when she doesn't, he clears his throat rather dramatically. 

She stands when she notices him, shooting Damson an apologetic smile that has him ready to drag her off. Which he does.

He pulls her to a corner of the garage and up the stairs into a random office and locks the door. 

"You okay." Clem questions, stepping towards him and placing her hands on his waist. "Lewis." she tries again when he doesn't answer.

He looks stressed and zoned out.

"I- uh yeah." he coughs and suddenly he feels better having her away from Damson. "i'm fine, pre-race jitters." He lies.

Her hands slide up his chest until they settle on the sides of his head.

She tilts his head so that he's staring into her eyes. 

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"I'm regretting this." He admits and her eyes squint, "bringing you here, I mean."

That does nothing to alleviate her hurt expression, so he continues, "My car is still shit, I don't want you to watch me lose."

She scoffs, gently slapping her hand against his shoulder before returning it to its place caressing his beard. "Would’ve watched you lose at home too, what's the difference. I'm going to support you all the same."

Lewis leans down and presses a short, soft kiss to her plump lips.

Her eyes flutter closed as he stares down at her, and finally, his hands raised to her hips, pulling her into him. "I don't think that I tell you thank you enough for all of the ways you help me, Clem."

"You don't have to," she whispers, dropping her forehead against his chest. He rests his chin on top of her head, putting his arms over her shoulders as hers wraps around his torso.

Lewis likes this. He thinks he can start every race for the rest of his career like this. When he hears a knock on the door, he groans but shoots Clem a warning look as she chuckles at him.

"Big baby." she teases, moving around him to unlock the door. He maneuvers behind her, reaching to open it, and when he does, he sees Toto there with a knowing smirk.

"Time to race, Lewis."

She allows Lewis to pull her from the office hand in hand, and she knows her publicist is probably in New York and stressed running through cigarettes. She always joked that this Lewis rendezvous would result in her smoking her stress away.

Lewis knows something is wrong with him for sure when he realizes that he doesn't care about the camera or who's watching him show Clem his affection. He knows they're going to be the main topic of every tabloid tomorrow, and he just doesn't care.

She stands in front of him beside his car as the crew bustles around them.

When it's time for Lewis to finish his preparation, he motions his head towards Clem, and suddenly, her hands are stuffed with a balaclava and a pair of gloves. 

She turns to the man who handed them to her and he offers her a small smile. 

She turns to Lewis, and he can tell she's trying to fight off the grin that desperately wants to appear.

She reaches for his right hand, tugging the glove onto his hand gently, she checks each finger and pulls to make sure the fit is snug. She repeats her actions on his left and and then Lewis firmly places his hands on her waist. He's looking at her with those sparkly eyes and a loving smile.

She turns the balaclava in her hands, trying to figure out which way to pull it over his head. When she sees the opening, she lets out an "Aahh" that has Lewis chuckling at her.

She stands on her tiptoes, freeing his braids from the ponytail and pushing them back. She hums to herself as she pulls the balaclava over his head. 

She settles back on her feet, and she can only see his eyes, but it does something to her. 

She reaches between them pulling the upper half of his suit up his body, giggling when he grunts realizing he's got to let go of her to push him arms through the sleeves.

His hands are back on her in an instance, like by not physically touching her he'd fly away.

Clem reaches between them again; this time, her fingers latch onto the zipper, and she tugs it up from his pelvis all the way up his chest until it's set in place. 

"I don't know, Lew. I think we've at least got a podium." She whispers, accepting the helmet.

She steps back, allowing his hands to fall, and then hands him the helmet.

"I can feel it in my bones." 

"Oh," Lewis laughs, "Can feel it in your bones?" He sticks out his free hand, tickling at her.

Clementine laughs, stepping back and gripping his arm, "Stop!" 

He listens, pulling on his helmet and looking back at his car.

"Well, that's me."

Clem feels like a lovesick puppy as she watches his eyelashes flutter with every blink of his eyes.

"Podium." She reminds him, lifting her pinky.

"Podium." He declares, wrapping his own against hers. He lifts their conjoined hands and places them against his helmet where his mouth would be, and she swoons.

"Get in the car, Hamilton."

She's a giddy mess as she steps away from him and finds herself accepting a seat from one of the crew members.

She sighed while watching the screen as Lewis started in P5. He is quickly into P4. She feels her adrenaline kick in as the crew cheers excitedly watching him overtake into third. When he overtakes two other drives all in the same lap the garage erupts in shouts of excitement, just for that to be taken away just as fast when they see a car barrel through off od the track and into the fence.

Clem gasps, her hand coming up to cup her mouth.

She knew Formula One was a dangerous sport, but watching a wreck like that happen in real-time has her mind reeling on just how much danger Lewis puts himself in.

"Is he okay?" She hears as the crew all talk amongst themselves.

"George is out of the race. The other driver is okay." Toto announces, "We're restarting."

Lewis is back in the garage, and he is irritated.

Clem stays back and out of his way as she watches him angrily rant. "That is not right, Toto." He snaps, "back in fifth?"

She watches as Toto nods at him, and Lewis turns to his assistant, rolling his eyes. He looks so frustrated as he throws his hand out, "fucking fifth."

Clem knew that when she was angry that she didn't like to be bothered, so she stayed in her seat. She feels a body plop down beside her, and she turns to see Damson.

"Intense, yeah?" He questions.

"Most definitely." She sighs, "My adrenaline is off the charts right now."

"First time coming to a race?"

She nods, returning the question, "Nah, this is like the NFL to Brits."

She laughs, "Right."

The two chat whilst the rest of the garage is in shambles, and Lewis watches the two with slits in his eyes. 

He knows he shouldn't be jealous. Clem was nothing to him but a friend who he enjoys fucking. It's what he tells himself as Damson passes his phone to her. She was just his friend. He'd even encouraged her to get out there and find her person.

But that was before he realized how differently she made his heartbeat.

Lewis doesn't bother going over to her before the race restarts, he can feel her lingering eyes as he manuevers around the garage, avoiding her.

Lewis feels a bit enraged. Initially, it was just the FIA and their stupid fucking rules, then it was the car, and now it was Clementine and the stupid British actor drooling over each other in his face.

It was all piling on top of him, and he hadn't felt so unsettled ever before a race. 

He hops back into his car, not sparing Clem a glance, and rolls out into P5.

This time the only thing on his mind is how fucking mad he is. 

That anger got him P3. 

He doesn't know why he doesn't approach Clem as she waits for him patiently in her seat. He goes around and thanks the crew and the engineers and has a brief talk with Toto and Tom. And then he leaves to go to the podium, all without even glancing at her.

Clem, always aware, remains silent and tries to keep the pout from taking place on her face.

She tries not to take Lewis' actions personal, it's obvious he's wound up. She doesn't know if it's something she did or if he's still frustrated by the race restart. Logically it's the second, she's learned that not everyone's behaviors have to do with her. It's taken years of her enternalizing other people's moods to realize that 9/10 people are just feeling things. She hasn't done anything, she's sure of it.

She is directed into the motorhome whilst Lewis handles other business and she sits in his room on his bed waiting patiently.

When Lewis had brought up the idea of bringing her to the race yesterday, he raved on and on about how she'd be able to walk the track, wait with his team whilst he's on the podium (if he got one), and get the classic guest experience. She hadn't gotten that, which was a letdown since she really wanted to experience Lewis' world, but she understood why that wasn't possible today after seeing Lewis' mood.

But still, it would have been nice not to sit in his motorhome and then the garage all day, just to end up back in his motorhome alone for hours. 

When Lewis emerges into the tiny room he is clean and dressed in comfortable clothes. He had been on the phone in the office preparing a few arrangements for the past hour. He sighs as he sees her frame sprawled across the tiny bed. 

There are soft puffs of air escaping her, and her phone is clutched loosely in her hand.

He can tell she fell asleep scrolling through her phone.

He sits on the foot of the bed at her feet and drops his head into his hands.

He doesn't know what he's doing. But he does know he can't keep going on like this. Lewis didn't like relationships, he didn't like being tied down, it wasn't fair of him to only want Clem to himself when she would never get all of him. 

"C'mon Clem, let's get you back."

Like the sleepy girl she is, she whines as Lewis pulls her body from the bed, placing her on her feet. 

"Can you walk?" 

She only nods, reaching over to grab her bag and her phone. She doesn't speak to Lewis quite yet, still unsure of his mood. She lets him direct her from the motorhome, his hand tight in hers as he leads her through the paddock. It is so late at night that there are rarely any people hanging around. When they exit and get to his car, the flashes from the cameras wake her up even more, and she uses the back of her hand to block the lights. 

Lewis walks her to the passenger side, waiting for her to slip in before he closes the door gently and goes around to his seat.

He pulls out cautiously and begins their trek to the hotel.

Clem forces herself to stay awake, knowing that it's only a short drive.

Still, she is waiting for Lewis to speak, but he doesn't. 

"I had fun," she announces.

"I'm glad."

"You got podium." She cheers lowly.

Lewis only offers her a small smile, and uncertainty settles in her gut. Something's not right.

She gives up trying to talk to him after that. 

The car is filled with tension and awkward silence. It's so unlike them.

When they pull into the hotel, Clem doesn't wait for the valet to open her door. She clambers out and thanks god as the night breeze fills her lungs. She's never felt so suffocated around Lewis.

As Lewis exchanges formalities with the man she rushes into the hotel and onto the elevator, when she reaches the room she unlocks it with the secondary key taking a moment to gulp down a glass of water.

Lewis follows in behind her shortly after, paying her no mind as he goes to the bathroom and emerges with his shirt and jewelry off.

"You got an attitude?" Lewis questions, standing in the doorframe.

"No, I don't." 

"I know you, Clementine." Lewis rasps, coming to stand over her as she sits on the bed.

"You're the one with the nasty ass attitude." She huffs, reaching up to nudge him away from her. He doesn't budge.

"Lose the attitude, Clem." He orders, and she rolls her eyes. 

"Or what, Lewis?" She pushes.

Lewis' hand is at her neck in a second. His grip is not tight at all, just holding her in place as he ravishes her mouth. Just as frustrated as he is, she returns the kiss.

"Got something for that attitude," Lewis grunts, pushing her onto her back.

She gasps as he roughly pulls at her pants.

He has them off before she knows it, and his hand lets go of her neck and travels down to pull at her panties. He rips them off of her with a hunger in his eyes like no other. 

"Gotta fuck it out of you, Clem?" He asks. 

He doesn't give her time to answer as he sinks down to his knees at the end of the bed and pulls her down with him. He lifts her legs over him and wraps his arms around her thighs. His hands settle on her thighs, keeping them apart, and he stares up at her one last time before connecting his mouth to her clit.

She jumps, but his hands hold her in place.

He removes his lips from her bundle of nerves, his tongue traveling down to swipe through her crease. She moans lightly as she fists at the sheets. His fingers travel up to replace his mouth, and he digs them deep into her core, his tongue flicking against her clit before he presses it flat and moves up and down.

Clem gasps as he curls his fingers inside her and suckles extra hard on her. Her hand shoots down to push him away, but he catches her wrist in his free hand, holding it against the mattress. 

He stares up at Clem, the whole scene naughty and erotic. He lets her other hand come down to rest in his hair. 

Lewis moans into her, his mouth sending a wave of vibrations through her body. Lewis never took his eyes off of her, watching as she writhed above him. He was showing her no mercy as the gushy sounds filled the room. 

She tasted so good.

Lewis worked his tongue around her clit, teasing her only for a minute before he smushed his mouth over it again and suckled just the right amount, his fingers still thrust in and out of her, driving her absolutely insane. He moans into her pussy and trails his mouth down to swallow where she is oozing. 

Lewis lets her captivating moans egg him on as he devours her like a starved man. He can feel it when she comes when her tight, spongy pussy constricts around his fingers. He happily licks up the juices she releases as she comes undone. 

He pulls his fingers from her core and stands, quickly turning her body over. She lands on her stomach with a slight "oomph" noise and turns to look back at Lewis.

He wastes no time hammering into her from behind. He grabs her arms pulling them behind her back and crossing her wrists; with one hand, he holds them against her back, and with the other, he swats at her ass. Groaning as he watches it ripple.

"Fuck."

Clem can do nothing but pant underneath him and let out pathetic mewls as his hand repeatedly strikes her ass. It hurts so good.

Lewis keeps pounding into her hard, his heart racing as he chases his own orgasm. He sees her phone light up beside him, and a message from Damson appears. 

When he sees this, he speeds up his thrusts, gliding his thick member in and out of her suffocating walls. 

She can only blubber out useless moans as he plummets in and out of her.

He lets go of her wrist, pulling her up onto all fours. 

"You get a thrill out of pissing me off?" He grunts, his hand going up to grip her hair.

"No!" she whines, gripping the covers.

"I think you do." 

His other hand is gripping her waist, pulling her back to him every time she falls forward.

"Nuh-unh." He orders from behind her, letting go of her hair and holding on to her waist tightly with both hands now.

"Don't run from it, baby. You wanted this, huh? This what you want?"

Clem rasps out a choked yes, her head falling at the intense pleasure running through her veins.

Lewis sounds like a beast behind her, all strangled up and growling out praises at her. 

He feels so possessive as his hand lifts and smacks at her ass again. "Fucking, mine." He growls, and Clem falls forward. He doesn't stop as her legs give in, and she drops to the bed again. He climbs behind her, still keeping his pace, and throws his head back as she quivers around him like a candle on fire. 

He can feel the heat building in his core, and it eggs him on as he places his hands on her ass, holding her in place.

Clementine spasms beneath him, never experiencing an orgasm like this before. Her heart feels like it's beating outside of her chest as her ears ring and her eyes roll to the back of her head. She can only curse over and over as she feels Lewis drag out of her and return again with much more force. 

This was the best sex she'd ever gotten in her life.

Her walls clenched around him, her breath hitching as he moved aimlessly in and out of her.

Lewis shuddered at the feeling, sucking in a sharp breath at the sensation. She is face down, panting into the mattress as he pants above her.

She can't count how many times she has come undone underneath him, but as she feels another orgasm approaching, she can't help the way her thighs tremble underneath Lewis. 

Lewis is an incoherent, mumbling and moaning mess above her as he allows himself to succumb to her squeezing cunt, clamping over him. Lewis falls into the abyss, pleasure washing over both of them as he spills into her.

He pulls out with a hiss, shuddering at his sensitivity, and falls over beside Clementine, who rolls onto her back.

"Woah." she pants.

Lewis feels her phone vibrate and he watches as she scambled down the bed to get it, he feels green as he watches her smile at the screen.

Just as she moves to lie beside him again, he speaks up with words that make her feel dismayed.

"I booked you a room."

He turns away from her, staring at the ceiling.

"I- What?" She stutters, turning to face him.  

"It's just a floor below, suite 909."

Clem is distraught, and it shows on her face as she jumps away from the bed as if Lewis has burned her. "Lewis, what-"

Her words are cut off as her phone vibrates in her hand. Lewis chuckles dryly, finally tilting his head to face her. Suddenly Clem feels like a little girl again, wondering why her parents never made an effort in her life, wondering why it was so easy for them to push her aside like they didn't care that she existed.

"What's the matter? Are we okay?" She rambles.

Stop talking, Lewis. He thinks to himself as he watches Clem's eyes flash with wetness. Even sad, she has doe eyes, still shining, but this time, there are tears in her eyes and an intense sadness. 

"Yeah," he should’ve stopped there, but he kept going. "I'll probably see you tomorrow. If not, it'll be the next time I need you." He motions to the bed.

Clem frowns, letting out an exhale as she bends down to tug on her pants. As she maneuvers around the room collecting her suitcase, Lewis calls out to her. "I put the room key beside your toiletry bag."

She slips into the bathroom, picking up her small bag, and sure enough, the keycard is there. She grasps it in her hand and walks out. She wants to scream at him, tell him how big of a dick he's being, but she's not that kind of person.

She is graceful. But it's taking everything in her to channel the lessons her grandpa has taught her when she is this mad, this hurt. 

Clem avoids looking at Lewis as she latches onto her suitcase. 

 "Maybe you should start considering finding someone who's serious, Clementine."

Is this what this is about? She knew the blurred lines would come back to bite her in the ass eventually.

She freezes, her back turned to him as her hand pauses on the door handle. And her body shakes slightly as a her frown deepens, she feels a stream of tears flow down her cheeks.

And just when Lewis thinks that Clem is going to turn around and argue with him, probably throw something at him and shout at him, she doesn't.

She lifts one hand, swiping at her face, and then softly opens the door and leaves without so much as looking back at him. The door clicks shut behind her, and she walks on down the hallway towards the elevator. 

The words don't react, echoing over and over in her head, but as she hears the wheel rolling on her suitcase, she can't help but feel the trembling in her body. She presses her lips together, stepping onto the elevator, and as the doors close, she lets out a gutwrenching sob. 

She sniffles as she steps into the suite. Rushing to the bathroom to shed her clothes, she showers wiping all traces of Lewis Hamilton from her body the way she wishes she can erase him from her mind. She scrubs harshly, eyes still full with tears, between the scorchingly hot water, steam and the tears she can barely see anything as she scrubs severely.

For the first time since agreeing to this arrangement, she feels used by Lewis. She's never felt so dirty in her life. As she sank down to her knees, feeling the wails rip through her body with force, she realized why exactly his words and actions hurt her so much. 

It didn't matter how much she showed up for him or how much she allows herself to be his shrink and him hers, it'd always be a bad religion, loving someone who'd never love you back.

Lewis is in the same position he has been in since she left, flat on his back with his hands covering his face. His body is quivering as sobs rack through his body.

It was a tough decision, but it was one that had to be made. He could never give Clem what she deserved; he wasn't a committed person. Seven years on and off with the same person is proof of that. He could never be okay with putting her through that.

-

Lewis wakes up the next morning with a pounding headache and lingering loneliness. 

He always felt like this when he woke up without Clem in his arms. As he sits up and swipes his hands over his face, his heart aches when he notices her ripped panties thrown on the floor.

He regrets his actions. 

He wishes he would've sat her down nicely and explained how things were getting too deep for him. It's Clem, she would've understood. 

He realizes just how bad he fucked up when her giddiness to lay beside him last night flickers through his mind like a clip from a movie.

"What if we lay in bed after every meetup and we just talk?"

He feels like he's been shot when her hurt face replays over and over. He treated her like shit last night, all because he was scared of what she made him feel. 

He was a mess during yesterday's race; all he could think about down every straight and around every curve was how much he liked Clem, how good she made him feel, and bad she could make him feel just as easily.

He realized that the woman had too much control over his heart yesterday, and he couldn't take that. This was supposed to be fun, casual fun. He never inteded to catch feeling for Clementine Russell, but she was the kind of girl who made you drop to her feet.

He never stood a chance against her charm.

He scrambled from the king-sized bed, rushing to his phone.

-

When he hears a knock on his door, he opens it in a rush; he sees the butler there and offers him a finger to signal to hold on. He rushes to his table, picking up the bouquet of flowers, an array of red, yellow, and orange orchids, dahlias, and marigolds. 

"Can you take these down to suite 909?" Lewis pants pushing the boquet towards the man, there is a note nestled between the pedals.

The man tilts his head, pushing the flowers back towards Lewis.

"I am sorry, Sir Hamilton, Ms Russell has checked out already in the early hours of Midnight."

Lewis feels his heart crumble as he steps away from the man, the giant bouquet firm in his hold.

Lewis says nothing as he closes the door and walks away. 

-

Clem had left that night, not long after leaving Lewis' room. After her shower, she was on the first flight home, and she hadn't spoken to Lewis since. 

Lewis misses Clementine. It's a realization that he came to rather quickly but refused to admit.

Lewis pulls himself out of the leggy woman he picked up at the end of his race. She drops down beside him in heavy pants. 

"That was fun." She exhales.

He doesn't know why when he turns his head, he expects to see Clem staring back at him with her dark eyes and cute smile. 

This woman is no Clementine, and that's for sure. 

He doesn't know why he tries it, but he does. "You can go anywhere in the world under one condition. You'd have to stay there forever; everything is unchanged, and nothing new will ever come. Where do you choose?"

He watches as her eyes scrunch momentarily in confusion.

"I don't know. It's probably Paris. I'm obsessed with their lifestyle, honestly."

Lewis turns his head back to the ceiling.

He wants her to leave. And he wants Clementine to be in her place.

It's quiet and awkward, and she doesn't even try to ask him. 

He already knows his answer. He'd be with Clem in his bed, hands connected as they lie naked underneath his covers, heads turned to each other as they talk. He'd watch on as the moonlight supersedes the darkness and the moonbeams are replaced with sun rays. And he'd listen to her feel things like she made him. And he'd be happy and content with spending eternity like that.

Everything unchanged, nothing new.

Lewis begins to think that maybe casual sex isn't for him anymore. Perhaps he's taking Clem's absence extra hard because he yearned for the other form of intimacy, the emotional aspect of being with a woman.

So he tries dating. 

And he comes to the same conclusion, date after date.

Their eyes don't gleam like hers.

They don't understand his humor.

They don't care about why losing his favorite toy as a kid was an integral part of the man he became.

They can't carry on discussions like Clem or even talk like Clem.

They don't have her precious smile and her deep dimples. They're not gracious and benevolent.

They aren't Clem, no one ever will be.

Lewis craves Clem; he misses her with every fiber of his being.

And he regrets letting her up from his bed. He regrets telling her to pursue another man. 

When Lewis returns to New York, his thumb lingers over the send button.

clemmy 🪂

I need to see you, where are you?

He doesn't send the message; he drops his phone with a sigh, knuckling at his eyes. Why was it so fucking hard? He'd never felt this troubled in his life, especially over a woman he'd never even dated.

He sighs in distress, picks up his phone, stares at the message begging to be sent, and clicks off of the app. Instead, he opens his Instagram. As he goes to search for Clem's name, he sees that she is still his top search, and he feels like a loser as he enters her profile.

He'd take any sight of her he could get.

-

Clementine wouldn't say she was necessarily religious. Her grandpa would probably drop dead of a heart attack if he heard that. But it was the truth. She thought it was fairytale-like sometimes. Yes, she had faith, but she wasn't as devout as many people. 

If she was being honest, she thought religion began as something beautiful, putting your complete trust and faith into another person, with the idea that they were quite literally the holy grail. Over time, it's been skewed and manipulated, some for great purposes and others for very wrong reasons. 

She thought most religious people were hypocrites. Lewis was a hypocrite for sure, giving her an inch and then taking a mile. Now that she has had time to ponder over it, Lewis Hamilton is actually a sick man. Pouring affection into her and poisoning her heart. 

How did he expect her not to fall for him when he treated her the way he did? She feels like a fool herself, too, thinking back to the conversation she had with him the night before it all went to shit. 

"You're a lover boy at heart." Clem chortled, "Literally just a sweetheart. Most men who can't see themselves being with someone don't act as affectionate with women."

Lewis lets out a hmm sound, his hand still gliding up and down her back beneath his t-shirt that she wore.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Good, there's nothing wrong with being a sweetheart; bad if someone gets the wrong idea; I have a feeling you're an easy man to fall in love with."

Lewis was a hypocrite, and she was too. 

But the truth is religion gave people purpose. She'd never felt it firmly in a spiritual sense, but she had experienced that strong urge to follow someone's every command. She's believed every word that tumbles from his mouth. Given the opportunity, she would surely drop to her knees at his feet. She's only ever felt the need to praise and put her limited faith and her secured trust into one person. Sure, she had faith, just in a bad religion. She admired one man, Lewis Hamilton, but there was one problem, she could never make him love her the way she loved him.

Clem took his advice. She branched off, presented herself in new ways, made new friends, developed herself, and found someone who would take her seriously, though that didn't last long at all. 

clementine

liked by feliciathegoat, pharrell, and 12,898,465 others

clementine so, they've helped me make an album? Clementine, NYC out now on all streaming platforms !! 

view all comments

feliciathegoat Cool kids doing cool shit 🏌🏿

clementine the coolest 😎

lilyachty ALBUM OF THE FUCKING YEAR

clementine 🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️

user no bc who did my girl like that

clementine no really, it's okay though builds character 😃

user builds character my ass, go beat his ass

user A MOVIE AND MUSIC IN THE SAME YEAR ASVJHKHK WHEN DO WE GET SEASON 2???

clementine yk im filming girl 🙄

clementine

liked by danielricciardo, justinbieber, and 10,898,465 others

clementine two post in one day bc why not, what's everyone's favorite song from Clementine, NYC?!?

danielricciardo In your hands slaps

clementine you sir, have great taste 😘

user daniel what are you doing here 😭

user No really, weird ass crossover episode

user the blue hair to match the album cover the movie * chefs kiss*, your creativity is unmatched queen

clementine you noticing the small details >>>

justinbieber posting us arguing over the order is killing me

clementine no bc we both look so over it 😂

user I love her and Tyler's friendship sm

feliciathegoat i love my bestie

clementine and I love u T 🥹

-

Lewis instantly throws in his airpods and starts the album, one by one he listens to each song. Sure enough every song has small anecdotes about their time together that only he'd know.

He was aware that he was blurring the lines between just benefits and true feelings, but he didn't know that he wasn't the only one feeling strongly about it. He never took her feelings into account.

Just when he thought he couldn't feel any worse about the situation, that realization dawned on him. Clementine Russell loved him and he threw her to the curb like a bag of trash. 

He's throwing on whatever clothes he sees first as he rushes from his door. 

He doesn't bother calling his driver as he treks block after block; he has one destination in mind, Clem's townhome. 

He's there before he knows it, his fist urgently banging against her door. 

He sees a light flicker on through the window, and then her door swings open.

She's in her nightshirt with her hair wrapped in a scarf, and her eyes are puffy from sleep. When she sees Lewis, she begins to swing the door back closed, but his hand pushes against it.

"No, Lewis." She snarls, swinging the door open again. She is looking at him like he's the devil himself. "I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't even want to think of you."

"Clem, please." He begs, "Please, I can't take it."

She pauses at the door, taking her time to study the man in front of her. He looks bad, simply put.

His eyes are bloodshot and droopy with bags, his braids are disheveled and clearly in need of a touch-up, and he just looks all around miserable.

She almost gives in until she thinks back to the last eight months where she had been miserable herself. She smacks her teeth swinging the door closed until she hears Lewis shout out three words that take her back to when the roads got foggy, cannes. When she realized the difference in how she actually felt for Lewis.

"I love you."

She peels the door back open and stares at him intensely. "What did you say?"

He looks like he's watched his whole world get taken away from him as he repeats himself, "I love you. Don't shut the door, please."

"It's not fair, Lewis." She fumes.

"I know." He whispers, and his voice cracks.

"You don't get to do this to me." Clem snapped. "You can't just make me feel things for you and then push me away. You can't make me love you and then hurt me and tell me you love me when it's too late."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry, isn't enough." She hissed angrily, approaching him and poking his chest. 

He reaches up and grabs her hand, holding it close to his chest. She feels him shudder underneath her touch, and his body begins to shake.

"Clem, I'm sorry." his voice is hoarse and thick as he peers down at her, and she cracks when she feels a teardrop against their connected hands. "I'm sorry."

Her forehead drops against his chest, and he wraps his arms around her. "You didn't deserve that; I should have just told you; I was scared; you broke all of my walls, Clem; I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt you in the end."

"But you did, " she cries.

"I know, I did; I was scared of commitment, was scared I would ruin us further down the line." He presses a kiss to the top of her head, "I'm not scared of commitment, Clem, not anymore. I just don't want to be committed if it's not to you."

"You don't mean that." Clem breathes. 

"I promise I do, Clem."

She steps back from him, letting his arms fall to his side. "You made me feel dirty."

He opens his mouth, and she puts up her hand, "Let me talk. I let you disrespect me, Lewis. I should be done with you. I should be over you. I don't care how much I feel for you; if you ever, and I mean ever, speak to me that way or treat me like I'm nothing ever again, all gracefulness is out of the fucking window."

"I understand." He breathes, "I will never, Clem, and I mean never treat you like that again."

It's ironic, the two of them standing infront of each other as the sky illuminates in yellow and orange hues. 

"It's six in the morning." Clem sighs.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"I wasn't supposed to be here today; you almost missed me," Clem informs.

"I would've found you. Lost you once already. I didn't know how much I cherished what we had until I no longer had it. Until I lost it. I don't want to lose you forever, too."

"It's almost spring," Clem announces. 

"Gonna take you to that mountain, Clem." He promises, pulling her into his arms again.

"I've missed you so much. There were so many things I wanted to talk to you about. I missed talking to you." She admits and Lewis holds her tighter.

"I missed listening to you. Swear I did." 

"Are we still friends?"

"No, we're more than that. We should’ve never been friends. Always meant to be more." 

"I wrote an album about you." She sighs.

She feels Lewis hum against her. "It's beautiful."

"I talked so much shit about you, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry for feeling Clem, I was a shit person to you." 

"My hair is blue." She announces, and he chuckles; there she was, his Clem talking his head off.

"Starting over, right?"

"Yeah, starting over."

Although they weren't laying in bed on their backs hands connected and staring through the ceiling like it was their sky. Things felt familiar to the two as the sun rose and light beamed around them.

Lewis was her sunset, the beauty that comes after a hard and blaring day. To him, she was the sunrise. After the darkness, it will always be light again. She was his light source, and he knew that now. He could never lose something that's always shining. 

"Thank you for showing up for me."

Not proofread

the album:

bad religion - frank ocean

in your hands - halle

i think- tyler, the creator

saturn- sza

broken is the man- jorja smith

everything is gonna be alright- infinity song

everything- kehlani

mine- beyonce ft drake

poison- beyonce

are we still friends- tyler, the creator

eternal sunshine- jhene aiko

<3

#black reader #lewis hamilton #f1 #formula 1 #lewis hamilton imagine #lewis hamilton x black reader #poc reader #black female oc #lewis hamilton x black female oc #black reader friendly #things lost and things found part two

[itspileofgoodthings]

If Jane Austen could write about my family from the outside and I could read it then maybe I would be healed.

#moving out has helped! but is there is not a new social life/core for me yet #maybe ever? idk #but within the actual family unit there is ….. so much going on #so much suffering. so much change. unbelievable levels of stress and anxiety and depression #like I really cannot emphasize enOUGH how much #and my parents are essentially full time caregivers #and I both want to help and be a stabilizing factor and I also want to be honest about how much of a toll it takes on me #because i think it’s A Lot #but also I don’t like modern rhetoric on any of these difficult topics and I reject it even though I use a lot of the language #hence why I need Jane Austen to do it for me #to bring this full circle #anyways if you could say a prayer for us. for my parents especially but also my sister #well all the sisters and my brothers! #anyway reflecting angsting etc. #tbh I would love to know the medium of the average family’s unhappiness and stress #Because I think ours is off the charts #But idk. Would love to know more tbh #I would love to know if a lot of it just the human condition! But sometimes I’m just like this is not normal lol #thanks for listening

[sainzproductions]

𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 ⋆ 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐳

wherein the internet hates you for breaking poor charles's heart; so you move on to his best mate.

[charles leclerc x ex!socialite reader, carlos sainz x socialite!reader]

chapter one, chapter two

liked by lewishamilton, carlossainz55 and 304,830 others

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liked by landonorris, maxverstappen1 and 890,820 others

carlossainz55 indeed, a magic moment.

username SIRRRR?!!! MAKING OUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD??

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username precisely, ex.

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landonorris but fucking finally!!

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username netflix are you seeing this???

liked by pierregasly, danielricciardo and 503,304 others

charles_leclerc nowhere else i'd rather be.

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username there there

username how about trying to spend some time with your ONLY son charles?

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username charles, carlos is having fun with your sloppy seconds!! liked by charles_leclerc

username raphael is playing family with a second best😕😕 that doesn't seem very good for him, no?? liked by charles_leclerc

#carlos sainz x reader #carlos sainz x y/n #carlos sainz x you #carlos sainz x female reader #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc x you #charles leclerc x y/n #charles leclerc x female reader #carlos sainz #charles leclerc #f1 x reader #f1 x you #f1 x y/n #f1 x female reader #f1 social media au #f1 instagram au #f1 smau #f1 #formula 1 x reader #formula 1 x you #formula 1 x y/n #formula 1 x female reader #formula 1 instagram au #formula 1 fanfic #formula 1 social media au #formula 1

[theresattrpgforthat]

I was wondering if you had recommendations for a game that evokes the vibe of like The Thing (or Among Us) from the social angle - there is something here passing itself off as human, as *one of us*, and we need to find out who it is. Maybe with hidden roles? It seems like there's a lot of interesting space to explore there.

Thank you!!

Theme: Hidden Role Games

Friend, I've got more games for you than I thought I was initially going to find, and each one is in a different setting! Enjoy!

What We Thought We Knew, by Mouse.

You play as a group of friends who have known each other for many years- at the very least since highschool, and have gone through many transitional phases with each other.

It has recently been revealed to you that someone in your friend group has not actually been there for all of these events- they have been implanted in the group for whatever reason and all your memories modified to fit them into the narrative. None of you know who it is -- not even the fake.

In order to find out who the fake is, you must experience some of your core memories together again, moving through them like you are those versions of yourselves again, to try and spot the mistakes in the memories, the distortions that don’t quite make sense in the context of everything else happening.

The hidden role in this game is as determined by the GM, and the fake will not know that they are the imposter at the beginning of the game. The setting for this game appears to be relatively agnostic, so you could make this a fantasy setting, a futuristic setting, or even a modern setting. Characters have four stats: Head, Heart, Flesh and Beyond. The game is designed off of Caltrop Core, so when you roll your dice according to stat, there’s graded successes/failures. Players will also get chances to identify a distortion, which helps the group figure out what pieces of information don’t add up. If you want a game with mystery for almost everyone a the table, you might want to check out this game.

Jackrabbit Parole, by Willow Willis.

Well, you screwed up. Whatever you did, it was bad enough to land your ass in prison. Not just your average state-of-the-art correctional institution, either. This place is Bad News.

Parole? Don’t make me laugh. This is your life now. There’s no help coming for you and your fellow unfortunates. You’ll shit, sleep, work and eat when and where they tell you to for the rest of your miserable existence. If you want out, there’s only three paths:

Execution. Suicide. Or escape.

And since the first two don’t sound too promising, all you’re left with is jackrabbit parole.

Jackrabbit Parole is a game about prison escapees, one of which is a Snitch. The exact setting of the prison is up to you - the only thing that matters is that you’re stuck here unless you find a way to get yourselves out. You’ll roll to determine what your characters’ relationships are, and draw cards determine your roles.

There are two special roles: the Ringleader and the Snitch. The Ringleader has access to everywhere in the prison; the Snitch wants to get as much information as possible and pass it on to the guards. The Snitch profits by keeping everyone here, which means that players cannot communicate openly about their plans. The game plays over three acts, so I think it’s pretty easy to contain inside a single session, and it comes with some suggested settings if you’re not sure where to start.

Conspire, by Cherry Picked Games.

Conspire is a hidden-role storytelling game. Players delve into any moment of conflict, real or fake, and populate the scene with shady figures. They secretly assign objectives to these in-world characters and shuffle the roles amongst themselves. Everyone draws a role to inhabit and acts them out, not knowing who any of the others are or what they are trying to accomplish. What follows is an intense tale of bluffing, brokering deals, and shaping the very universe to your whims.

This feels like a GM-Less game, with all of the roles and motives of each character determined according to the setting and people created by the group at the table. Each piece of the puzzle is created collaboratively, so you’ll know what’s going on with one or two people, but not the whole picture. If you want a game that gives everyone the same responsibilities and has the flexibility to fit the settings in your head, this might be the game for you.

Eulogy of a Fool, by Kate.

In Eulogy of a Fool, all players are attending the funeral of a Fool. However, the Fool is in this crowd, having faked her own death to collect on a life insurance policy.  Everyone in attendance must give a eulogy while the Fool tries to blend in and everyone else is trying to single out any suspicious persons.

This game consists of a series of cards, 20 of which are Identity cards, and 30 of which are relation cards. There will only be about as many cards in play as there are players for any given game, so I think having so many options allows for a different game every time you play. Each player will also have to give a eulogy about the deceased, using information given to all non-imposters, while the Fool will have to improvise as best as they can. Looking at the instructions and prep for this game, I think this game would be very easy to learn. There’s a script for the GM to follow while running the game, and the cards make it easy to generate characters on the fly. If you want a game that’s part ttrpg, part card game, this might be the game for you.

EUREKA, by @anim-ttrpgs

Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy is an original, fully fledged, 200-page 2d6 TTRPG from The Agency of Narrative Intrigue and Mystery inspired by The X-Files, Kolchak: The Nightstalker, and much more!

Eureka features investigation mechanics that let players take initiative, use their characters’ unique strengths to find clues, and deduce conclusions themselves rather than to just walking into a room and roll Investigate.

EUREKA’s main focus is on solving mysteries, but the way character creation is meant to be set up means that it is very likely that characters will have a lot of secrets, purposefully hidden from the rest of the group at game start. If you are playing a supernatural creature of some kind, your character will have plenty of reasons to keep their identity a secret. While the group is trying to solve whatever mystery there is, your characters will have to decide just how much they trust each—other, with dramatic reveals possibly prompting some thrilling and suspenseful moments. This game isn’t quite in it’s final form, but there’s a robust community currently play-testing it, and the folks behind the development are very eager to answer questions and help you get a game to the table.

Loyalty, by jackdawfactories.

You are the crew of a deep-space mining vessel who have just been awoken from stasis. You are coming in to land on a previously uncharted planet, and must investigate the nearby cave system for its utility to you - but of course, there’s more to it than that…

Loyalty is a game based on Ridley Scott’s Alien, and combines standard RPG mechanics with a hidden role aspect. Survive the horror you have unleashed while working out who - anyone - is the traitor in your midst.

This is a game in which more than one person could have a secret role. You draw a card from a regular deck of playing cards, and based on what kind of face you have, you are either an android infiltrator, or a human. Because the character creation is randomized, it’s totally possible to have an entirely human crew - but the players won’t know this, and thus the paranoia will still be present.

On top of this paranoia, you’ll be facing off against an alien, and the more you come up against it, the stronger it gets. There’s a win condition, a lose condition, and the possibility to eject a suspect out of an airlock. If you like heightened stakes and no good endings, this might be the game for you.

The Warmest Place to Hide, by Rosie.

The Warmest Place To Hide is a TTRPG homage to John Carpenter's The Thing. 

It is the longest night in Antarctica, and something has made its way inside the research station at which you work. You and your teammates must work together to protect yourselves from assimilation - but when the creature can make itself look like anyone and anything, who can you really trust?

Create a base, populate it with crew, then see if you can survive an alien invasion.

This is the game for folks who want a direct re-creation of The Thing. As this is a Caltrop Core game, the rules are fairly minimal and use dice pools of d4’s. You can roll randomly for your character’s background, and choose an archetype that will give you specific skills and special abilities. You’ll also receive a random assignment of “Human” or “Something Else”. If you are Something Else, you always have to opportunity to take over any dead characters.

I’m not entirely sure how you communicate to players that they are Something Else without alerting the whole table; I’m assuming that this is the sort of game that involves passing a lot of notes. I think it might also be interesting if the GM introduces other threats that could kill players so that the Thing can approach and assimilate them without the players necessarily knowing who’s doing it.

#indie ttrpgs #tabletop games #dnd #game recommendations #asks #hidden role

[titanrpg]

you got a minute? I need a favor

Hey everyone, it's Lex. Happy New Year to you and yours!

Today, I have a huge announcement about Titanomachy RPG and its future. This month marks 3 years since I joined TTRPG Twitter. I've met so many incredible people and learned so much from y'all. Your support has allowed me to take one HUGE step in my life. 

I recently moved to Maryland from Florida to get some basic human rights. I also left my job of 7 years to try and live unburdened by selling hours of my life to some random rich guy. And now, I'm taking Titanomachy RPG full-time.

Here I am, already having taken the leap. I have some money saved up, yes, but ultimately I am trusting in the generosity of others to help me build out a life I can truly love.

So yes, this is a Patreon announcement. And there's a link to Caltrop Core below (if you want to make a one-time contribution). But before anyone exits this email, I want to talk about all the cool stuff everyone can expect from me, regardless of Patreon status or donor status. I have a lot of exciting things coming in 2024, like:

a NEW open license d12 system called DODECA!

physical copies of my games becoming available via Indie Press Revolution, starting with NIGHTHAWKS!

more consistent game & system releases

seeing more of my work in some upcoming Evil Hat projects (look for me in the Girl by Moonlight stretch goal zines)

prints of "prayer to curse ron desantis", bunny girl osr posters, and perhaps shirts/hats/merch?

ttrpg workshops IRL in the Maryland area

and much much much much more!!

Now, here's the link to my Patreon before I forget: https://www.patreon.com/TitanRPG

I have an AWESOME founding patron bonus. There are 3 tiers of membership, and no matter which you choose to join today, you'll get a pre-release PDF of GOLDEN BEETLE PLAYGROUND, my Medabots-inspired TTRPG built on Caltrop Core EX.

This bonus is ONLY for people who join this month. After January, I'll take it down to work on the game further (and eventually do a full release later this year). 

For tiers 2 and 3, I'll be releasing one short RPG every single month. These games will remain Patreon exclusives until I can put proper polish on them (or the patrons vote to release their favorites).

There's a bunch more goodies and details on my actual Patreon page. Click that link to see!

Eventually, I'll be putting merch up on that page, so even if you can't support with a monthly pledge, you'll be seeing posters, shirts, hats, all that very soon!

These days, I'm on tumblr every so often, but no other social media. Patreon will be my dedicated page for updates, game mechanics, design discussions, everything! Even if you join at the $3/month tier, I want to provide a ton of value, starting with GOLDEN BEETLE PLAYGROUND!

Click here to see the three membership tiers and support a trans game designer today!

Thank you for your support over the past 3 years. I hope to remain worth of it for many more years to come.

All my love,

Lex Kim Bobrow

Publisher, Titanomachy RPG

P.S. Here's the link again. Take a moment to check out the page please, and if you can't contribute, please tell your friends! I've lost touch with so many people after leaving Twitter, so any help in getting the word out is 10000000% appreciated!!

P.P.S. If you could reblog this post ASAP, I'd really really appreciate it. Thank you!!!

#indie ttrpg #ttrpg #caltrop core

[choicesficwriterscreations]

March MC of the Month: Evie Ayana

Please welcome March 2024's MC of the Month! Each month, we highlight one MC or OC on our Meet My MC / OC List. They are selected randomly on the Wheel of Names, and eligibility requirements can be found here. We accept MC / OC profiles on an ongoing basis. Please feel free to send yours in!

This month’s MC of the month is…

@cadybear420's Evie Ayana!

More below...

1..In your own words, tell us what you like most about Evie.

It’s hard to choose a specific thing… but most probably her drive to keep moving forward. 

Before coming to Berry, Evie dealt with social anxiety a lot in her old schools. She didn’t have many close friends, she struggled to talk to people she liked, she had a little more insecurity about joining certain social/group activities, etc. And she’d lived in the same house all her life up until moving to Cedar Cove, so she wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about moving up north from the Bay Area and leaving behind what friends and memories and familiar places she did have. 

She does start out as a little more impulsive and “holding herself back” when she first comes to the school– unsure how to respond to Brian at first, unthinkingly introducing herself as “Emma’s wingman” to Caleb, gives Hugh a startled look when they make eye contact at the school assembly. She didn’t have quite as much drive for change yet and wasn’t expecting much from the school, but she was definitely going to stick with the few friends she did make (such as Emma). 

But one thing she did somewhat hope for was that Berry High was a new change of pace. And as Principal Hughs said on the first day assembly in canon, “That’s the great thing about a fresh start. You can be anybody you want to be”. This was perhaps the core motivator for Evie to start changing things. Soon enough, she comes to realize that Berry is sort of this “fresh start” for her, a chance to find herself in a brand new environment. She wants to be someone who is sure of herself, someone who can get shit done. And a school that strives to be welcoming to all is the perfect environment for that. That’s kind of what the OG HSS Trilogy always was to me. High school, but if it were, y’know, actually good. 

So, Evie is partly motivated by the fact that the environment at Berry is much more welcoming, and partly motivated because of the opportunity of a fresh start in a new town. And so she starts to push herself out of her comfort zone a little and soon becomes a lot more outspoken, protective, proactive, and helpful towards others. Evie becomes a lot more confident through her journey at Berry High. 

One major motivator for Evie is that her first friend and the one who takes her under her wing when she’s lost and nervous at the start of her first day, is Emma Hawkins, a socially awkward wallflower. So right away, she has some companionship with someone she can relate to a bit. And not only that, but seeing someone as socially awkward as Emma have no problem extending kindness to her, kind of motivates her to do the same with others. 

Another major green flag for Evie is also probably in her involvement in sports. In Evie’s old high school, she had considered joining football, but was nervous about it due to the team being all guys and not co-ed. Evie is fairly secure in her enjoyment of certain sports and wanted to join the football team at her old school, but was nervous about not being allowed to join and seeming like an idiot for trying to do so. She had heard that some schools might make exceptions for girls who wanted to join, since there generally wasn’t a girls’ football team, but she was still very nervous about the possibility of “sticking out like a sore thumb”. 

But since she was most familiar with Caleb of all the people she saw in the cafeteria and knew him to be a friendly guy, I had her sit with him and the other jocks at lunch that day to maybe get the chance to know more about the football team. Much to both of our surprises and delights, the sports teams at Berry are all co-ed and Caleb and Julian encouraged Evie to join football. And the best part? As she was on football, basketball, and baseball, she was treated like yet another part of the team. Rather than being pathologized, patronized, sensationalized, or tokenized for being a female football player/jock on a team of mostly guys… she was just treated as normal (Sonic Boom Knuckles would be proud, haha). As per canon, Brian did make a few comments to her during that one mini-race, but Caleb nonchalantly shot them down. 

And lest we not forget her beloved Aiden Zhou. He’s passionate and dedicated to his creative craft; but also shy, reserved, socially awkward, and afraid of coming off as a screw-up or a failure in social interactions. A major reason why Evie is so drawn to him (along with her finding him incredibly attractive) is that she sees a lot of herself in him, and she can relate to him. She sees how passionate he is, and that inspires her to do better herself. It inspires her to keep doing better. And as she works to improve herself and move past her own struggles, she can sort of connect with Aiden and help him with his struggles as well, as she understands to some degree what that sort of social anxiety feels like.

2...Do you feel Evie is like you at all? How are you alike or different?

Evie is very based off of how I am, especially when it comes to the little details. She’s a cat lover, she’s a picky eater and especially hates spicy food, she’s fairly into sports and writing, she’s obsessed with scented products and cute stuff, she’s pretty horny-on-main, and a lot more. I had Evie be a jock in each of the three books because I myself was involved in sports when I was in high school (though I was more of a track-and-field/runner and I didn’t really have a lot of experience in football, basketball, or baseball; meanwhile, Evie gets experience in each of those). I can’t play an instrument to save my life, and cheerleading is absolutely not my thing, and so the same applies to Evie. 

But in a more general sense… Evie is partly based off of who I am, and partly based off of the kind of person I aspire to be.

When I was in high school, I sort of dealt with social anxiety a lot, and even now I still struggle with it a fair bit. I did get along with a fair amount of people, but it was on a very superficial level with most of them and so I wouldn’t exactly have considered myself “well-known” back then. So I’ve imagined the same for Evie.

The difference, of course, is that Evie is much more outspoken, social, and heavily proactive in the school community than I was when I was in high school. I mean, I was a bit like that myself every now and then. But with Evie, she sort of gets more opportunities to be that kind of person, and she had somewhat more drive for it. And that’s what allows it to manifest. That doesn’t mean her anxieties go away by any means, she just becomes better at managing them. 

Though, one thing I’ve liked about generally being more shy and reserved is that it did sometimes help me stay a little more aware of boundaries, if that makes sense. Evie is much the same, and although she becomes a more confident person throughout her story, that doesn’t mean she also can’t be aware of boundaries– and that especially shows with how I had her approach her crush on Aiden in the first book.

Evie took a slight interest in Aiden when she first met him; it started out as superficial, but it developed into an actual more deep attraction when he invited her in to listen to him play. She’d sort of push herself to talk to him and hang out with him, but for the most part, she knew not to explicitly flirt with him (not that he’d really have minded in the game but yeah). Occasionally she’d be a little bit forwards with him by accident (see: teaching him how to do “sexy moves” at Brian’s party), but wouldn’t express explicit attraction to him until when he asked her to homecoming and admitted he did like her. 

And once she knew that he liked her back, she was much more comfortable with explicitly making romantic gestures/moves onto him. I’d never gotten that far with any of my high school crushes, but if I had, I certainly would have been the same. (It’s also worth noting that the more I replay the series, the more I feel like Aiden and I both share similar qualities as well, so naturally I envision Evie as someone who can relate to him). 

A final MAJOR way in which Evie and I are very similar is how very GNC we are. I’d say Evie is a lot more openly masc/butch leaning than I am, especially appearance wise (as much as I wish I did, I do not have defined muscles like Evie does, lol). She prefers to keep her hair short; she loves masc clothing like pantsuits, tuxes, boxers, and swim trunks, and she takes pride in her more masc body figure. Similar to me as well, there are a few feminine-associated things (for lack of better wording), such as flowers, glittery/sparkly patterns, heart shapes, general cute stuff, etc., that you can pry from her cold, dead hands. But there are certainly a lot of feminine-associated things she has a distaste for indulging in, such as wearing short shorts or high heels or doing cheerleading– not because they’re “feminine,” but quite simply because they just aren’t her thing. We also both have major bottom dysphoria and would rather die than ever get pregnant. 

3.. What is most important to Evie? What is their motivation in life?

Stability. 

Not just being sure that she can end up in a good point in life and nothing changes from that, but also being sure that if things do change, she will be able to manage it. Even when things are at their worst point, she wants to do what she can to fix the problem and make the situation better. 

For a lot of her life, Evie has been very unsure about what specific thing she’d want to be doing in the future, and while she agrees with the “it’s okay if it takes a little longer for you to decide” sentiment that people tell her, she does also know that she can’t spend her whole life indecisive, and the fact that she’s still figuring things out frustrates her sometimes. And as I’ve mentioned before, her and her dad’s move to Cedar Cove was initially very hard on her. Even as she gets settled in Berry and Cedar Cove, she worries about anything that could possibly disrupt it. 

A big contributor to her drive for stability is her parents’ history. After her dad Scott and Emma’s mom Julia had gone their separate ways with university as per canon, he’d eventually meet a woman in his year but with a different major. Her name was Rani, and he’d fall in love with and marry her after they’d both got their graduate degrees. Rani eventually became pregnant, but it was only a few months into the pregnancy when she realized she was not interested in being a parent. 

Scott, of course, had always wanted to be a dad, but he respected Rani’s decision. So, due to this contrast of life goals, the two divorced on amicable terms. Rani was okay with carrying the baby AKA Evie to term (though Scott was okay with it if she wanted to terminate the pregnancy), and after that she’d simply take on the title of being Evie’s Auntie Rani. And it was heartbreaking for both of them because they were otherwise a perfect match.

Evie knew the full story growing up, and while she did not resent Rani at all for leaving, knowing that story had amplified her own cautiousness– particularly when it came to her own romance. She’d crushed on Aiden, wanted to be official with him, and fell in love with him long before he did with her for each of those points, but she didn’t want to push anything too suddenly onto him. Often, she’d wait until moments, such as when Aiden confessed to liking her after asking her to homecoming or when he confessed he loved her at prom, before she’d start taking things further. She wouldn’t express romantic gestures and attraction to him until after he said he liked her. She wouldn’t confess her love to him until after he confessed to her. 

That doesn’t mean she’d never initiate, though. She’s the one who took Aiden outside to talk about becoming official, even though he ended up being the one to ask her to be his girlfriend. After their moment on Hearst’s rooftop, she had started making plans to ask him to be her date to homecoming (but of course, Aiden beat her to it). And she was the one to (as per my headcanons) dip him in their first dance at homecoming and (as per canon) initiate their first kiss during that dance. 

And make no mistake, all those moments– learning Aiden liked her, having a steady relationship with him that year, to the point of them becoming official in late February and him confessing he loved her at the end of prom, and seeing Aiden become a more confident and self-assured person throughout their relationship… she was incredibly happy about all of it. But in the back of her mind, she sometimes couldn’t help but think it to be too good to be true. Sometimes she feared that they’d end up the same way her dad and her Auntie Rani did: a seemingly perfect couple at first, all until one singular but major area of incompatibility. 

Later on in their relationship, she would start to become fussy over making sure Aiden actually enjoyed what he was doing with her, telling him she didn’t want to force him to do anything he didn’t want to do. This would become a point of contention between them, as Aiden would be a little upset at Evie not being fully sure in his choices. But in the end, they’d be able to work it out together. To this day she still isn’t fully sure about what she’d do if she and Aiden ended up separating, but she would become better at being able to manage any difficulties or disagreements between them. She would do what she could to better the situation. The two would eventually get married (Evie being the one to propose), having talked about it prior and both being sure that they were happy with each other.

As for everything else in her life? She does slowly become more welcoming to change. As of now, I don’t imagine her going through a lot of sudden changes in her life, but she does become more comfortable with the idea. A year after they marry, Aiden and Evie move out of Evie’s old house and into a cozy apartment in the Bay Area, and then move back into Cedar Cove but in their own home when they decide they want to have kids. Events like these where Evie does have a bit more control over the situation, do help her get used to the idea of major change. 

4.. What are Evie's biggest pet peeves/dislikes?

Evie loathes gender essentialism, gender complementarianism, TERFs, and the like (Then again, any person with common sense would loathe those things, haha). But especially as someone who is very openly and proudly GNC, she just absolutely loathes them. She hasn’t experienced a lot of direct bigotry from TERFs herself, but to put it briefly, she’s been paying attention to their behaviors, and she’s not having any of their bullshit. Especially not with their blatantly two-faced behaviors towards GNC cis people (especially cis female athletes with even the smallest bit of “masculine” features, AKA people like her3). All the more reason why she sings her praises to Berry for having co-ed sports.

For something on a lighter note… she can’t stand spicy food despite her South Asian heritage. A bit of mild spice is alright, but very spicy food is just… she doesn’t get the appeal at all. She’s generally a very picky eater, even being averse to most South Asian dishes. And overly spicy food is probably the bane of her picky eater existence. 

I imagine she just also dislikes… bullies in general. In her old schools, she would get bullied quite a bit, but she never quite knew how to stand up to them. So at Berry, she does try to change that, starting with standing up for her friends (like Emma) who get bullied. She aspires to be a protective girlfriend to Aiden and an overall reliable friend. It’s not always easy– such as when Isa and the hall monitors screw over Aiden and band and cheer, when band and cheer turn on the basketball team, or when Max and Kara frame her for sabotage. But she doesn’t let it stop her. She always tries to get through it, one way or another. 

5.. If Evie could change one thing - anything - what would it be?

I’m not fully sure, honestly. I imagine there are lots of things she’d want to change. 

Although it’s a bit more general, Evie would change… a lot of her past. She has way too many moments of “I look back on this thing I did in the past, and I fucking cringe at it.” She knows she’s grown from all that and has become a much better person, but it’s just hard for her to not feel bad about herself over her past mistakes. 

For something that’s a little more specific, her parental situation is something she’s sometimes wished she could change. To reiterate, she does not resent Rani for leaving and understands why she did. But there have been times when she’s wished that Rani and Scott never separated. From what Scott had told her, Rani sounded freaking awesome to her, and she imagined she’d have loved having her as a mom, along with Scott as her dad.

Rani would sometimes visit them, taking on more of a title of being Evie’s Auntie. But she wouldn’t visit often because it could be very awkward knowing the past, especially so when she and Scott hadn’t fully moved past their feelings for each other. 

Evie and Scott have had a very healthy relationship, but the situation with Rani has created some confusion for both of them. With Scott, he’s often feeling guilt. He’d told Rani that he was okay if she didn’t want to carry the pregnancy to term– Evie knows this and understands, but he sometimes feels guilty for having felt that way about Evie, even though it was before she was born. But he also sometimes feels guilty about giving Rani a pregnancy she ended up not wanting and seeing her carry that pregnancy to term even after realizing that, even though she had agreed to it at first and agreed to carry it to term anyways. 

I headcanon a big part of why he’s extra sweet to Evie, on top of her being his daughter, is the fact that he sort of considers himself lucky to have ended up with Evie. Rani chose to carry the pregnancy to term, even though both she and Scott were well aware that she was in every right not to. He’s always wanted to be a dad, and he got just that. So he tries his best to not take her decision for granted. 

With Evie, she’s certainly fine with having just Scott, but she’s known the story of Scott and Rani’s separation ever since she was very young and it’s hard for her not to feel like she missed out on having Rani as a mother figure. But she also sometimes feels guilty for feeling that way, knowing Rani did not want to be a mother. 

At one point or another though, she does come to terms with her parental situation. Rani would come to visit more often when she could as she and Scott were eventually able to move on from each other. 

6.. What is Evie’s favorite quote or song?

I don’t think Evie can really pick just one song, haha. Though Evie can't play an instrument for shit, let alone compose a song and a lot of the musical terminology Aiden uses is mostly just pure jargon nonsense to her… she's quite the enthusiast for good songs and soundtracks. 

She excitedly raves to Aiden about her favorite soundtracks from movies, video games, TV shows, etc. Often, she'll even recommend a show or movie to him partly on the basis of it having a bomb-ass soundtrack and almost 100% of the time, he will enjoy it, and they'll rave about the best parts of the soundtrack together. 

So it’s a little hard for Evie to pick just one song (or one quote, for that matter). Probably something Aiden composed for her, but I’m not sure. 

7.. Is there anything else you’d like to share about Evie? 

I guess I’d like to ramble a bit about how fun it is to build the character of my OG HSS MC, both within the game and outside of it. 

In Choices, I generally tend to prefer MCs with a more open-ended backstory and especially choices in what kind of personality they have and how they respond/behave/act. I know even the most choice-based story can’t account for every single granular detail about what we want for our MCs, but most of the time I just like being able to decide *who* my MC is whenever fitting. I like being able to make choices for the MC, and create my own backstory for them that sort of informs said choices, maybe even make two different versions of the MC that feel like completely different people from one another. (Truth be told, I’m a fan of any MC that’s allowed to have a spine and be proactive in the story, but the ones that are flexible in their character score extra major points with me). 

OG HSS is definitely a series that allows for stuff like that, which is part of why both the trilogy and the MC are my favorites of all Choices. There’s a lot of variety in the kind of story experience you can have, and probably only two or three moments where default dialogue made me go “Evie would not say that”. Honestly, I don’t think the series would have had nearly as much of an impact if MC had only one activity they could do, or one singular specific backstory for Scott and their mom and their old school. 

Although I haven’t really played as a MC other than “Evie Ayana” in any of my 7 playthroughs, I have tried a couple of different choices and routes for her. Once I’ve had her as a band kid instead of a jock, and I loved all the extra moments she could get with Aiden. Twice I’ve had her romance Michael, and as much as Evie would be attracted to him, they do not have all that much romantic chemistry (and so I’m making a new HSS MC for his route). One time I’ve even had Evie try and side against her own team at the basketball game in Book 2… and oh my God, it was so puke-inducingly out-of-character for Evie that I had to scrub it from my HSS screenshots history. 

Once I’ve deliberately made mostly bad choices for her (outside of her activity), and it was quite interesting to see outcomes such as losing the baseball game, losing homecoming crown and guest-of-honor-– and most notably, how she can lose her tryouts spot to her respective Hearst rival if she’s been mostly awful to the Hearst kids, even if she’s otherwise good at the actual tryouts. Like hello? I can make my MC not be nice? And face consequences for it? I like. I’ve sometimes seen the HSS MC get flak for being “too perfect” or “too much of a fantasy” or “not having much personality”, and I’m just like, “Honey, with all due respect… they’re only perfect because you made them that way.”

I’ll admit, with the most recent playthrough I did to record Evie’s official storyline, I did make the choices that would lead to the “good” outcomes. But with most of it, I was just making whatever choices felt right for the kind of character I wanted for Evie and then let things take their course. I wanted her to be someone who was fairly good at her sports. I wanted her to become someone who tries to step up and be a leader, and someone who is outspoken about her opinions and stays true to them, but also knows her boundaries. But sometimes she can act without thinking and that does make her very self-conscious a lot of the time, even as she becomes more confident throughout her time at Berry. Some of it was more intentional– I did want her to be fairly competent at her activities. But other stuff like the homecoming/prom crowns felt more like bonus things for her. 

Fun Fact: during my most recent playthrough, where I was recording the official choices and outcomes in the story for Evie, I kind of wanted a way to represent her lack of experience in baseball since I headcanon it’s Evie’s first time doing the sport. So what I did was I just took my glasses off and backed away from the phone screen a bit when the minigame choices were in session. And Evie did miss a few of the throws, but performed mostly successfully in the end, getting the tryouts spot and winning the baseball game.

I’ve actually gone through a couple of different “canons” for Evie, throughout each of my 7 playthroughs of the story. I’ve tried different routes and options for the sake of trying them out, but there are quite a few choices I’d imagined as “canon” for her that are now different. When I first played the trilogy, Evie was actually named “Cady Heron” after the main character of Mean Girls, my favorite HS-based movie (Scott calling her “Cady-bear” all the time is how I came up with my username). She had the blonde beachy waves hairstyle in the first book, and was a bit more openly flirtatious with the characters she liked (Aiden, Michael, and Maria), she told Koh’s secret to Isa out of panic and thinking that it would get Isa off of Koh’s back. I imagined her having figured out clear goals for herself by the end of the first day: take down Brian and Zoe, and get with Aiden+Michael+Maria. 

But upon developing her character, I was sort of trying to make her a bit more like me. With that in consideration, Evie would have been someone who wouldn’t be so openly forward and would take secret-keeping pretty seriously. In my “Evie’s official choices” playthrough I did have her slip the secret to Isa, but it felt so wrong, and so I had to restart the chapter right after the choice in order to choose otherwise. 

And I am planning to make a couple more OG HSS MCs too. One will be a male MC named Alan Parke, a cheerleader who is a total diva– he’ll romance either Maria or Emma, and he’ll be very flirty, preppy, and pompous. Book 3 would be a sort of a character arc for him where he may have to set his self-aggrandizing habits aside as he comes to sympathize with fellow male cheerleader Kieran, with whom he’s competing in tryouts. Another will be a female MC named Violet Jones, the one I’ll have to romance Michael. She’ll be a lot more suave and no-nonsense– she hates self-policing and is a lot more quick to call people out on their crap whenever she can, and will certainly have a lot more romantic chemistry with Michael than Evie did. 

And I’m definitely gonna have one or two MCs that are utter screw-ups at everything in the game– crap at their activities, they don’t win the dance titles, they’re cold to the Hearst kids. And I also wanna do a couple of playthroughs that switch activities between books. Some that are more slow-burn in their romances. I’m even planning an “AU/alternate timeline” playthrough where Evie tries band (and is mostly crap at it). Agh, there are so many route combinations I wanna do in HSS! 

Bottom line: it’s just really fun to give my MCs their personalities and make them feel like my own, and it especially applies with Evie. It brings me joy to build her character and share/discuss it with the fandom here (as well as seeing how others build their MCs too)! 

#cfwc mc of the month #high school story #cadybear420 #meet my mc #choices fic writers creations #playchoices #choices stories you play #march mc of the month

[thecherrytarot]

𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐰 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟.

pile 1 → pile 2 → pile 3

Pick the photo you feel the most drawn to and please remember that this is a general reading so take what resonates!!

𝐏𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟏:

The spiritual and mental connection between you and the people around you is lost or blocked. you may find it difficult to make decisions and choices when it comes to relationships, doesn't have to be romantic it can any be type of connection. you find it hard to commit or have a deep connection with someone you love. you don't blame them, due to your low self-image (?) you think that there is something wrong with you. some of you might even have mild social anxiety. you might be harsh to yourself and the people around you. when you are in a relationship you might show signs of unhealthy obsession. some of you might be people pleasers but like in a different way, I don't know the exact term for it but it's like you desperately want love and approval from those who will not give it to you. some of you might even display obsessions about your appearance and measure yourself by external validation, usually, there is not THAT big of a deal but for some of you, you may not practice self-love and use this as your only source of feeling good about yourself.

messages from the universe: "the existence needs you. Without you, something will be missing in that existence and no one can replace it. Therefore, it will create your core value. Stars and suns, moons, trees, birds, and the earth – everything in the universe will seemingly feel a tiny flaw that cannot be filled by anyone other than you. Meditation, or thinking, is a method that will help you overcome chaos, overcome the darkness of the soul, balance, order, and warnings. Bring the change that you want in your life and escape the cycle of misfortune."

𝐏𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟐:

TW: mentions of death & trauma

something that was supposed to be a blessing for you ended way too soon and it hurt you so much because you felt like your dreams were taken away from too soon. I heard " why did you give me those thoughts and then took them away from me ?" so take however that resonates. this could either be a relationship (romantic/ family) that ended poorly or a business idea that didn't go your way. if it was a relationship then you might have been involved with someone very different from you and instead of bringing out the best in each other brought out the worst. it was difficult to compromise and find a middle ground and both parties were left feeling drained and exhausted. the environment was toxic. if it was a business idea, there was a lack of substance to make the dream a reality. the reason for this might be your impatience, irritability and anger. for some of you, this could be the death of a loved one. whatever the situation is you might be unable to face the pain of loss and move on from it. the situations around you brought out your worst and you lost control of yourself and your decisions. this situation may have left some of you scarred and you were left with some type of trauma. this could also happen because you know that deep down you are a bit gullible and get manipulated easily. you just want some peace and quiet but can't seem to find it. you might be too stubborn to change or are ready for change but too exhausted for it.

messages from the universe: " Rebirth is the Yang to Death’s Yin. Death is always accompanied by Rebirth. take whatever is been given to you in that amount only, don't try to be greedy with it and learn to take things slowly or else you'll get burnt out again before even reaching your goals. You will become more divine when you are more creative. the more you create, the more saintly you are. When your creativity reaches its peak, when your life becomes creative, you are living in the heart of God."

𝐏𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟑:

you might like to try new things but lose interest after the initial excitement has worn off, this reflects even your projects, relationships, etc. some of you might believe that everything will work out well for you but show little to no effort to bring it to life. lost in your head, and losing touch with reality. too lost in the dream and unable to manifest and grow in the physical plane. this usually happens because you give up halfway and become lazy. regardless of your age, you are young at heart and sensitive, which could be your unhealed inner child. this could lead to you victimizing yourself and believing that there is nothing wrong with you emotionally and often, pointing fingers at everyone else. somehow this could be you trying to protect yourself because you are still afraid. afraid of the outside world, afraid of being in trouble or around people with more authority than you. some of you are often isolating yourself, suffer social anxiety, and lack confidence. you know that you are in a way inexperienced and immature and blame your surroundings for it. some of you might be afraid of leaving your comfort zone because around other people, you feel awkward and sometimes even sacred. you avoid getting close to people because you feel like they will leave you after seeing your 'true self'.

messages from the universe: "You can find the truth in yourself, there is no need to find anything in reality anymore. The truth is flowing in you and when you widen your eyes, it is the truth that will open your eyes. As if you close your eyes, it is also the time when truth closes your eyes. focusing on healing your underlying issues and learning to accept that you can be wrong too. it is okay, we all are children making mistakes and moving forward by learning a lesson. the best way to learn wisdom is by making innocent mistakes. Don't be too hard on others. then you live freely – alive, radiant, contented, delighted with a song of your own."

Thank you so much reading!!!

#pick a card reading #free tarot reading #pac reading #pac tarot #general tarot reading #tarot reading #shadow self #tarot spread #pick a pile tarot #pick a deck #fs tarot #love tarot reading

[everysongineverykey]

and now, what no one's been waiting for: junie's official ranking of every (original) queen album, from favorite to least favorite! it's fucking long. have fun, if you're interested!

-the works: ah, this one is a fucking classic. peak queen, in my opinion. to me, this is the culmination of their sound and style as a band. this is the album that took priority in their iconic live aid performance (mostly because it'd just been released, but still), and for good reason. there isn't a single song on this album that isn't at least pleasant to listen to- even some of the less Good tracks like man on the prowl and i go crazy are at least still decent and have some good lyrics and a nice backbeat. and the hits on this record- my god, who can hear i want to break free and NOT start dancing? it's one of the best examples of john deacon's pure songwriting genius. roger taylor really shines on this one, too; radio ga ga is a powerful, touching tribute to the radio medium that actually has genuine emotion behind it. every time i hear "radio, what's new? someone still loves you" my heart aches. the boggles could NEVER. brian may writes some of his best social commentary in hammer to fall, which never fails to leave me moved to my core- it's so passionate, and the fact that it still holds up to this day really says something. none of the megahits on this album were penned by freddie mercury, but he still produces his share of bangers. it's a hard life is a passionate and earnest ballad about heartbreak that turns hopeful in the end and genuinely makes me want to fall in love, and keep passing the open windows is a simple yet beautifully uplifting song with some fucking amazing guitar bits. underrated gem, in my opinion! really, really picks you up. the whole album does, in fact. my favorite forever and always- it doesn't get more "queen" than this.

-sheer heart attack: this one's so so good. the overall sound of the album is really eclectic and varied, jumping from vaudeville to heavy rock to campy from song to song. it features the first song john deacon ever wrote for queen, the underrated bop misfire which i just adore- there's something about the energy and the earnestness of the lyrics and vocals that just make it. obviously we have freddie mercury's (and the band's) first ever megahit killer queen, which needs no introduction- the lyrics are some of the most intricate, cleverly worded ones he's ever written, and the song as a whole fits perfectly with the rest of the album's refined yet playful style. "drop of a hat, she's as willing as / playful as a pussycat / then momentarily out of action, temporarily out of gas / to absolutely drive you wild"- those lyrics perfectly describe sheer heart attack as an album to me. it pulls you in and then hits you with the wildest bait-and-switches ever, from the cheery, upbeat misfire straight to the long, emotional she makes me. it does that thing where almost every song segues perfectly into the next and doesn't really "end" properly, which probably isn't to everyone's taste, but i personally adore that the final line of flick of the wrist crosses over into lily of the valley- it sets the tone, in a way, because lily of the valley is far less shouty and angry, and opening it with a softer version of that classic "baby, you've been had" before breaking into a sweet piano melody really helps build atmosphere. roger taylor has one of his first vocal spotlights in tenement funster, and while it's not my favorite song ever, the lyrics are quite clever, and he sings it well, and it really shows you his potential as a lead vocalist and songwriter- potential he comes to fully realize in later albums. favorites of mine from this one include the classic brighton rock, misfire, flick of the wrist, the bouncy vaudeville bring back that leroy brown, and stone cold crazy (which has such fun lyrics). some of their strongest work!

-a day at the races: now, most would probably put this one below night at the opera, which is completely fair- the latter is one of their most famous albums, and that isn't at all undeserved, so it often ends up overshadowing its smaller-scale companion/sequel album. i personally think that's a crime, though! a day at the races has all the satisfying vocal arrangements and song styles as its predecessor, in my opinion, and what's more, it doesn't try to be the second a night at the opera- it's simply a more lowkey continuation of that type of music. standouts (to me) include roger taylor's drowse, which i believe is some of his most pleasant lead vocal work ever, with really good lyrics about burnout and midlife fatigue, and brian may's long away, which is so sweet and longing and melancholic it makes my brain go "we need to go home!! we need to go home RIGHT NOW!!!" even when i am at home. then, of course, there's freddie mercury's two hits, somebody to love and good old-fashioned loverboy, which. i mean, come on. these two songs were once described by a critic as "mercury's baroque one-two", and i think that says it all. they really ARE a one-two punch- somebody to love knocks you OUT with its passionate vocals and lyrics about loneliness and city-living burnout, and good old-fashioned loverboy finishes the job by surprising you with some of freddie's best lyric writing since killer queen and an addictive melody to boot. as for john deacon's work, he produces another sweet, earnest love song with you and i, again showcasing his talent for passionate love songs just as brian may deals perfectly in melancholia and roger taylor gives us one small town burnout anthem after another. as for freddie mercury, well, what doesn't he do? this album, i think, really shows you what each member is all about. it's their fifth album, but if you wanted to listen to it first, i wouldn't stop you at all.

-a night at the opera: well, this one was bound to be near the top, wasn't it? you know this one- even if you're not a serious fan, all i have to do is tell you it's the one with bohemian rhapsody, and you'll probably go, "oh. oh, THAT one." even if you don't know any of the other songs, i mean. it's the one with bohemian rhapsody. regarding that song, like. what can i say that hasn't already been said? it changed contemporary music history. it basically invented the music video. it became a mandatory north american white people party song for the rest of time. yadda yadda yadda you don't need me to ramble on about bohemian rhapsody. as famous as it is, it's actually not my favorite song on the album, which has a lot more to offer than just borhap- this album is home to my favorite queen song ever, you're my best friend, which is some of john deacon's best ever songwriting work. the man doesn't miss basically ever, but this one is particularly special. the beat's so damn bouncy and addictive, and the lyrics are the sweetest and so fun to sing- you can tell it was written out of genuine love and passion. listen to that "oooh, you make me live" and tell me you don't want to jump to your feet. it never gets old! besides that banger, we've also got '39, which is another brian may melancholia masterpiece- the lyrics tell a perfect story, and roger taylor's falsetto during the bridge is really, really something to behold. it's not even really edited, if you listen to a live version- he can just do that. men with high voices i love you. anyway, another standout is death on two legs, a delightfully angry and vitriolic song that is so mean to the band's asshole former manager that freddie mercury's bandmates were initially shocked when he showed them what he'd written, and he later actually questioned whether they should actually release it because it was so hateful. you can tell it's genuine, too- mercury's vocals have a rough, legitimately furious edge to them as he sings, which is something i LOVE in songs. it's so fucking fun to sing if you're angry, or even if you're not angry. incredible lyrics include "feel good? are you satisfied? / do you feel like suicide? (i think you should)" (yes they told him to kill himself in a song they released to the public. yes he sued them for defamation. yes all this did was reveal to the public that he was the bastard they were talking about and damage his reputation so bad he wrote an autobiography defending himself titled "life on two legs". anyways), "was the fin on your back part of the deal? shark!", and "insane, you should be put inside / you're a sewer rat decaying in a cesspool of pride". this song fucking rocks. three more underappreciated gems from this flagship album are lazing on a sunday afternoon, which is short but oh so sweet, seaside rendezvous, which is heartwarming and upbeat, and the prophet's song, an eight-and-a-half minute-long behemoth (yeah, you thought bohemian rhapsody was their longest song? you ain't seen nothing yet) about the biblical apocalypse that absolutely fucking slaps and makes you want to shake your fist at god. would recommend!!! i don't have much else to say about this album. it's an all-in-all really cohesive and well put together record that gets an unfair amount of focus put on its most famous song when it's got lots more to offer besides that. i like it!

-jazz: a delight through and through! the ones you're bound to know from this one are fat bottomed girls, bicycle race, and don't stop me now, which all rock, but i think it has a really steady groundwork of less well known songs holding it up besides the megahits. my personal favorite is if you can't beat them, another john deacon jam, but not about love this time- instead, it's about people trying to take your money. fun times! it's genuinely so fun to sing. i also like mustapha, though i can't really sing along to it since most of it's just gibberish (side note, it's really funny how freddie mercury clearly saw the opportunity to write a vaguely persian-sounding gibberish song that didn't actually mean anything but that would be believable to the average white person as meaning something in part because of his parsi background, and took it. get it king fool us we are stupid). jealousy is another really nice mercury piano ballad, and helps give the whole album a nice smooth, confident feel, as do songs like dead on time and leaving home ain't easy. the whole record gives off a very nonchalant "yeah, i know i'm cool, what of it?" vibe, but not in like an obnoxious way- in a completely deserved way. you can tell that they've really become confident in their style as a band by this point in their careers from the way every song fits together like puzzle pieces. they all sound so right!

-the miracle: this one's interesting. their third-to-last album, the miracle was released in 1989, around the time when freddie mercury's aids was beginning to take a turn for the worse, and i believe the first album written after his bandmates had found out about it. as such, it marks queen's first major forays into reflective songs about life, death, humanity, the impermanence of beauty, and abstract subjects like that. the eponymous single "the miracle," for which the album is named, is the perfect example- freddie mercury's (and the band's as a whole, but the chords were primarily mercury and deacon) declaration that there are miracles even in the smallest things in life, that everything in the world is beautiful, that one day we'll all get over ourselves and achieve world peace. you have other songs like that, too- scandal, written by a frustrated brian may annoyed at the tabloid press' hounding of his own declining marriage and the ailing freddie mercury, with some genuinely good lyrics ("today the headlines, tomorrow hard times, and no one ever really knows the truth from the lies"), and was it all worth it, written mainly by freddie mercury, asks just that, and concludes that in the end, everything that's happened has been for the best, and that the singer wouldn't change a thing. so all in all, the miracle is in concept a very good album- it's just such a shame that i only really like two of the songs on it. lol. i'd like to like the album as a whole, but... i don't know! although i recognise that it's objectively good, most of it doesn't do much for me. two songs i adore, however, are rain must fall and breakthru. rain must fall is a fun, cleverly written collab between freddie and john, who i would say are my two favorite songwriters in the band overall, so it really works marvelously well. breakthru is a primarily roger taylor-written piece that doesn't have the deepest lyrics ever, but the chorus is really really good- freddie mercury reaches a heavenly high note in the second chorus that reminds you with a start that oh yeah, this guy has a four-octave vocal range and can sing as a baritone, a tenor, and even practically a soprano if he wants. insane. this album also features a decision of the band's to credit all their songs to the band as an entity instead of the individual members who wrote them, taking away some of the competitive nature and making them closer as a group. it's a nice show of collaboration and teamwork! again. i want to like this album better. i really do. but aside from the ones i listed above and the invisible man, most of it's just okay. i wouldn't not recommend it, though. different tastes for different people.

-made in heaven: ohhh this one. this one. their last album as queen, released years after freddie mercury's death and made up of songs he had recorded vocals for before death without instrumentals because he knew he wouldn't have time to wait for the rest of them to play all together. as such, it's... an emotional record. most of the songs are about the impermanence of youth and beauty, such as it's a beautiful day and a winter's tale (which i believe was the last song freddie mercury ever wrote), which both exude a sense of peaceful finality. they give "i'm satisfied, and i'm ready to go." it touches me deeply when i think about it- i only wish the actual songs did the same. there are some really good ones, of course- mother love is a classic, with the final verse being sung by may because mercury died mid-recording- and that vocal change really really adds to the turbulent, haunted atmosphere of the song. as far as i know, that's one of only two queen songs that share two lead vocalists with relatively equal amounts of singing time (the other one is the tribute song they wrote for freddie after he died. so.). it's really powerful, and even at death's door, freddie sings his fucking heart out and delivers some spine-chilling vocals ("i don't want pity, just a safe place to hide! mama, please, let me back inside..." haunts my dreams). too much love will kill you is another favorite- it's passionate and emotional and i was legitimately shocked when i found out it wasn't written by freddie. you will see why if you listen to it. all in all, made in heaven, like the miracle, is so so fucking good as a concept, but in reality, i can only really get into one or two songs. i love the vibes, though- peace and love and finality and acceptance and hope.

-news of the world: this one's okay. it's not BAD, by any means- most of them aren't- but it's always felt very generic rock to me personally. to be clear, i'm kind of biased, since i like their more unusual stuff. this is a big album. it's the one with we will rock you and we are the champions, for god's sake. and there ARE songs i like on it- john deacon's classic songwriting shows up again on the tango-y who needs you, which is very sweet both lyrically and musically, and it's late goes so fucking hard and stirs definite emotion in me. it's got good stuff- ballads as well as their typical rock tunes, and all recognizably distinct from each other. i love the album art, and everyone does a great job individually and produces some great work, but if you like their more eclectic work, i wouldn't say this album's for you- it's much more down-home type rock.

-innuendo: their second-to-last album, and the last one freddie mercury was alive to record. despite being sandwiched between two melancholy albums focusing on life and death and acceptance, this one takes a break from that- it gets a little experimental with it, with tracks like innuendo and bijou being the best examples. of course, the best songs on it are i'm going slightly mad and these are the days of our lives, which are also the most famous ones- i'm not pretending to be unique here. honestly, it's not my thing- the album art's cool, and the funky, more electronic vibes are nice, but other than the aforementioned two songs, none of it really makes an impression on me. delilah's sweet, though. sometimes you just gotta write a song about your favorite cat who you love so much even though you have like six. freddie mercury was so real for that

-queen ii: i'll be honest, their really early work is not for me. it's far more folky and has a recurring fantasy theme to it, with songs talking about fairies and ogres and rats and the like. freddie mercury's vocals are a bit higher in a couple songs, giving him kind of a fey-ish sound, so i guess i like that that works with the theme. i do like one song from this record- funny how love is is a very sweet little ditty about love in all its forms, and it's where i get my url. march of the black queen is also interesting, though it runs a little long for my taste. this is from the time where they were still figuring out their style as a band, and though you can tell they had fun with it, it obviously didn't really last past the third album. on the whole, it's fine. nevermore is fine. some day one day is fine. funny how love is is very good. i approve! but i don't really like listening to it all the way through.

-a kind of magic: ehhhh. the two albums that immediately follow and precede this one are both better (the miracle and the works respectively). it's got a specific sound to it, but i can't really explain it- i don't have the fancy music words. you have to listen to it to get it. the only track i really like is friends will be friends- it has a nice guitar riff and it's about friendship, so of course i approve. i honestly don't have much to say about this one. at the very least it stands out as audibly its own album and clearly distinct from the others (but again, for the life of me, i can't explain how. it's not super electronic or disco-y, but it's not old-fashioned heavy rock either. it's a nice blend of the two). the song a kind of magic itself is nice, but not really nice enough to get this album a higher spot on the list. sorry besties this one just isn't it :(

-queen: again, from the era where they were really into the tolkien stuff. it's a small album. it's all okay. i have nothing to say about it. they have a song about... jesus. cool. at least keep yourself alive is good. now that's got staying power! it shows hints, i think, of how the band's sound will develop in the future, and it's still nice to listen to. yeah!! we SHOULD keep ourselves alive!! other than that, though, entirely unremarkable album. sorry

-the game: okay i. i'll be honest i don't get the hype. this one seems to be generally pretty well-liked and i don't get why. is it because it has another one bites the dust (once again courtesy of our man of the hour mr deacon)? like what else has it got? crazy little thing called love? i'm sorry i really don't get why that song's so beloved. it's fine! it's a normal rock song! nothing special! and yet it's somehow my uncle's favorite queen song. the only song i actually kind of like from the game is need your loving tonight (john deacon again! he does not miss), but it's not quite enough of a saving grace to bump it up to third from last. it's even more generic rock than news of the world. maybe i just need to listen to it again, but last time i did, i found nothing at all interesting about it. i liked need your loving tonight, but that's it. however, it still isn't as bad as

-hot space. you knew this one was gonna be last. you know under pressure? that awesome fucking song about societal divide and how we need to reach out to others and open our hearts to fix things but we're scared of that vulnerability deep down? yeah, great song, right? well, the rest of the album kinda sucks. SORRYYYY i'm sure it's to some people's taste but it's not at all what you want from queen. it's entirely electronic disco 80s funk- which isn't inherently bad, just... again, not what queen fans want to listen to, generally. in fact, it caused such discord within the band that they all split up for like a year and took a break from each other because they kind of all hated each other for it for a while. then they came back and produced their best album, the works! so that makes up for it :3 this album is still. not good. though. the songs all sound the exact same, and it's not even a good sameness. it's the exact same bland 80s disco song over and over again. there are one or two glimmers of hope in there- las palabras de amor is a nice effort, as is life is real, freddie's touching tribute to john lennon, and brian makes a nice attempt at some social commentary with put out the fire, a song about gun violence. the lyrics aren't really thought-provoking, just kinda "aren't anti-gun law people stupid?", not really the most revolutionary stuff in the world, but it's kind of fun anyway. very sad that the actual melody is not interesting in the slightest. if you are wondering why queen suddenly decided they were all about disco in 1980, well, it's in large part because the album was heavily influenced by freddie mercury's then-manager (boyfriend as well? i think? he was in the movie but they could've made that up) who hated rock and loved disco. why they let him convince them to make this album i cannot figure out. hot space 1980 why. your best song is one that wasn't even written for you. under pressure was written like a year before they got any ideas of r&b or dance music in their heads and it shows. thanks but no thanks

#i've wanted to make this for a while now #it features what i hope is enough background info for non-fans to understand as well!

[sadhorsegirl]

need it on the official record that i do love moiraine and lan's relationship sososo much!!!

i love the implicit understanding they have with each other, based partially in the fact that they are both heirs separated from a crown for very different reasons. moiraine and lan are both people who cannot go back to where they came from, whether they want to or not. so there is this shared sense of loneliness, and drift that they share, wrapped up in the idea that they probably aren't going to survive the last battle (or even the journey to it) and would rather sacrifice themselves than have anyone they care for or, in moiraine's case for some people deem more necessary to The Pattern (although to be fair to her, this often still means having a certain level of care for them she just um. wasn't raised to know how to show any healthy positive emotion i don't think) moving in companionable silence eternally Searching™

i've grown increasingly haunted by this exchange they have at the end of new spring:

like............"surrender after you are dead. yes." is the sentiment set up as one of the core values of their partnership starting from the very moment she decides to ask lan to be her warder. surely, this will end well for all parties and will NOT have any tragic implications!

it sets up this really harsh poetic symmetry (surprise) when they have their Big Fight™ in the great hunt. moiraine LITERALLY invokes how they first met with funny little jokes abt him throwing her in a pond to get his defenses down so she can jump scare him w an intense re-examination of their relationship. the whole fight is basically her forcing him to think on his toes so she can examine him at his most basic emotional level in order to try and expose the truth abt how he feels, going from playful to painful at the flip of a coin lol. and he's aware of it!!! him calling her out on it and her answering back w patented Aes Sedai Speak, in a relationship that should be free of such manipulation.....

the real master stroke here, though, is the fact that the chapter is from moiraine's pov. we get to see her own inner thoughts about it and see that beneath the devastating chess game she's playing she's just as heartbroken at having to play it. the argument is really a crystalization of what makes her such an interesting character for me -- she is leveraging absolutely brutal social dynamics in order to, from her perspective, HELP someone she cares for deeply.

essentially, moiraine is saying that in his love for nynaeve he's found something to live for beyond sacrifice and that means that their bond to each other must be terminated. he can create a new life, and bc she thinks she understands how everything will play out moiraine thinks she is just cutting down the time before he realizes he can and will ask for her to dissolve the bond anyway. he isn't wed to death anymore, leaving the heavy implication that moiraine still is.

which sets us up for something really interesting for them in s2 i think! while their relationship in the show seems to generally be under less strain than it is where we see them in the mainline series, there remains another crucial difference btw the books and the show -- moiraine has siuan!!!!! im rly excited to see how that comes into play in terms of any potential interpretation of this fight/the breakdown of lan and moiraine's relationship bc it makes her decision to push him away feel even more hypocritical and rooted in her tendency to be self-sacrificing to the point of self loathing.

tldr for anyone just trying to figure out what this might all mean for season two according to one singular poster on tumblr dot com: in the books moiraine feels very........time to burn all bridges so no one can chase after me on my suicide mission basically and i can't say im NOT excited to see if that's where she ends up in the show (to live is to suffer etc etc)

#ch 22 of the great hunt is the assigned reading for todays post!!!! plz be prepared for the pop quiz at tomorrows lecture!! #yes it WAS necessary to break out some NOTES some PASSAGES #this fight drives me insane one of the best thing in the entire series i am not kidding #he knows what shes doing!! she knows he knows what shes doing!!!! and still!!!! she chooses to hurt him to try and save him!!! #guess queer platonic life partners doesnt have to cover an entire life together 👀😬🫡 #lan mandragoran #moiraine damodred #wheel of time #wot on prime #wot books spoilers #meta

[mitsurichan3]

Yknow its crazy its been a year since the fall out. Im definitely doing a little better in some ways, and worse in others.

Im okay but it could be better. TLDR im finding that i am in a little bit of a rut and i am struggling to find a sense of direction in my personal life now that im 25.

Day job, career, art woes, social life, financies and priorities are all confusing rn lol but im managing somehow. Specifics below.

If you decided you wanted specifics here you go.

Work started rough this school season. The schedule is a fucking mess. Two districts are struggling and are hot messes. New part timer joined the fray in the middle of all of this so its training a person ontop of the already chaotic mayhem.

The friend fall out with that bitch still has me... frustrated. Some days i can go about my day without blinking an eye, some days i still go through anger and frustration and bitterness and feeling disgusted with myself that i gave so much to this person only to be thrown under the bus on a public timeline where she twisted the fucking narrative to be in her favor when it actually didnt happen that way. Her name sickens me. Everything that is associated with her is tainted and i cant enjoy shit like i used to because how deep the betrayal goes down to my core. Fuck you, i hope you actually have the worse kind of miserable life she can actually live.

Ontop of this i feel... inadequate. I feel like I am doing too much at once, and nothing at all at the same time. Yes my life has gotten quieter and i have room now to do things i have always wanted to do, but now that i have that wiggle room, things feel far more isolating than before. I feel alone. I do a lot of stuff, now, alone. It gets lonely. I do go out with friends ocassionally, but its not the same. I dont feel that sense of direction that helps with calming my anxiety down. I have always known i was an anxious person but having a sense of direction and of moving forward has always kept me calm. Not anymore.

I dont check tumblr as often as I would like in the past but I also am using it more purposefully filthy but it helps some nights though i have consistently gotten a bit of love here too. An old pokemon piece gets a like every now and then. It brings me a little bit of hope knowing people do go through the tag and DIG EXTENSIVELY for things.

Im frustrated that I am not moving forward in my art making career and artist era. I am mostly putting my efforts and energy in maintaining my day job bc its a realiable source of income and it saddens me to know it is coming to that point in my life where safety is better than taking risks and not following my dreams. My supervisor is aware that i am looking for ways to grow professionally in a more creative environment but i dont know... unless I can get the ppl on the internet to help support my artistic endevors i dont think it would be a good move to quit the museum when I still have car loans to pay. ugh priorities.

I do want to post more consistently and show more of my art. Recently i went to an art sale hosted by my university and to tell yall the truth It was such a flop it hurt. Not because we didn't sell, but because the other artist vending got soooo many compliments on her artwork while my ceramics were just catching dust. People werent.. gravitating towards it. And it hurts. I poured my heart and soul making those pieces but I guess it serves me for not putting in MORE effort into making better art. Ughhh.

The idea of going back to school for a master's degree is.. exciting but I am not sure if that is the path i want to go down. I just want to live happy in a comfortable life doing what i love aka making art. And dont get me wrong i have ideas its just!... sigh, energy. Time. Effort. Most importantly comfort .

I am trying to rethink ways of diversifying my income venues and put 250% more effort into the platforms and venues inrl and online that are producing a bit of money for me. I want to make prints. I want to make stickers. I want to make paintings. I want to stream more often and stick to a consistent schedule. I want to earn a living making things I love. I dont want to be stuck in corporate all my life. I want to MAKe!!!

Sigh.

#personal #status update #updates

[redgoldsparks]

October Reading and Reviews by Maia Kobabe

I post my reviews throughout the month on Storygraph and Goodreads, and do roundups here and on patreon.

Stray by Molly Mendoza 

Beautiful, mysterious, fluid in a way that makes a story summary difficult.           

Invisible Differences by Julie Dachez and Mademoiselle Caroline

Translated from French, this comic tells the story of Marguerite, a woman who has never fit in well in social situations, who is very sensitive to sounds and textures, who prefers the company of her pets to most people. Eventually, she is diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, and is able to make changes to her life to better accommodate her needs and feels a lot of affirmation at finally having the language to describe her experience. From the information at the back of the book, I gather France lags behind even the US in terms of understanding of and support for people with Autism and Asperger's; to me this story read as fairly basic. It's clear, nicely drawn, and easy to read, so hopefully it will be a good resource; if it helps some readers either see themselves, or better understand a friend or co-worker, then it will have done its job!

The Two Princesses of Bamarre by Gail Carson Levine

Addie and Meryl are sisters, princesses in the kingdom of Bamarre, who love each other dearly and could not be more different. The older sister Meryl is brave and assertive, practices swordplay, and longs to go on adventures and fight monsters. Her younger sister Addie is timid and shy, scared of monsters and spiders, and prefers to stay home with her needlework. But when Meryl falls sick with the gray death, a fatal magical illness, Addie overcomes her terror and leaves the castle to search for the fabled cure. Along the way she must face everything she's most afraid of, including the prospect of losing her sister forever. This is a wonderful middle grade book, very inventive and whimsical in the same vein as Howl's Moving Castle and The Princess Bride. Reading it made me want to write a short fantasy story in which characters can fly and dragons can speak.

It Won't Always Be Like This by Malaka Gharib

Malaka's parents divorced when she was in elementary school, and from then on she spent summers in Egypt or Qatar with her father and school years in California with her mother. This book weaves together memories of many summers in the Middle East, some joyful, some challenging. Malaka's father remarried and eventually had three more children with a woman named Hala, who Malaka saw more as a big sister or mentor than a mother. Their relationship forms one of the central emotional cores of this story as they connect across language and cultural barriers. Drawn in the same loose, energetic style as I Was Their American Dream, this story is a nuanced examination of a family forging closeness despite distance. 

Out of Darkness by Ashley Hope Pérez

This book carries a content warning for almost everything I'd usually warn for: sexual abuse of a minor, on page rape, anti-Black and anti-Mexican racism, threats of lynching, character death in violent accidents, torture, and on page murder of main characters.

The story centers around a real historical event, a gas explosion at a school in New London, East Texas, in 1937, which remains one of the deadliest school accidents to this day. The book opens with the aftermath of the event and lets you know right away that at least one of the main characters is dead. Then it winds back the clock and introduces Naomi, a Mexican American teen orphan, and her half-white younger twin siblings, who had been living with their grandparents until the twin's father summons them all to live in the deeply segregated oil town of New London. Naomi was sexually abused by her step-father as a young girl, and the threat of continued abuse hangs over for the whole story, as does the danger of racially charged violence. Amidst this grim setting, the siblings steal moments of tenderness and joy, playing in the woods around their house, delighting in books, and a friendship with a Black teen, Wash, from a nearby community. When Naomi and Wash begin to fall in love, their happiness feels as fragile as soap bubble. But it is a bubble that might contain a whole life time's worth of passion and joy, even if it cannot last. This is a devastating book, unflinching in its depiction of racism and violence. But I found myself reminded of In The Dreamhouse, another book about very hard topics which is nevertheless still a pleasure to read because the writing is so strong.

To All The Boys I’ve Love Before by Jenny Han

I enjoyed this so much! Lara Jean is the middle child of three Korean American sisters who lost their mom young. This bonded the girls very tightly, and I loved that the relationship between the three of them was equally as, or more important than, the romantic relationships Lara Jean gets tangled in. The plot is fairly simple, but the writing is so grounded, warm, and witty, it really allows all of the characters to shine.

The Vanishing Stair by Maureen Johnson

This is the second book in Johnson's excellent YA murder mystery series and I had SUCH a good time with it. It's hitting a really satisfying mix of flashbacks to a kidnapping/murder case from the 1930s which took place at a elite boarding school; present day story line of Stevie Bell, true crime obsessive, trying to solve the cold case; and Stevie Bell, teen with severe anxiety trying to navigate some complicated friendships, a potential romance, conservative Republican parents and a series of mysterious deaths. The historical mystery and the present day mysteries are both being strung out across multiple books, but so far the first two volumes have concluded with reveals that were surprising cliffhangers but also still well-earned endings. This series reminds me of The Westing Game the murder mystery I loved most as a teenager. I definitely plan to keep reading the series and I can't wait to see how all of these separate plot threads will wrap up!

The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novik

The third and final book in the Scholomance series opens with El back on earth, incapacitated by grief over the loss in the graduation hall. It takes her a long time to pull herself back together, and she might never have done it except some of her old school allies call for her aid: more and more enclaves are being attacked by a mysterious enemy and maw-mouths are clawing at the gates of other. I struggled with the pacing of this book; there were several times I found myself thinking certain plot element had been revealed in the wrong order, and would have had a bigger emotional impact if arranged differently. This book also introduced a ton of new characters, as well as tons of new settings; this is a big ask from the last book in a series that has already introduced a pretty wide cast in the previous volumes. Also, the very clearly established rules of the magic system, which I loved in books 1 and 2, felt like they were getting broken over and over! I'm glad I read this book because I wanted to know how the series ended, but unfortunately I just didn't love it as much as I wanted to, and that makes me much less likely to rec this series to other readers in the future.

#books #reading #reviews #book reviews #comic book reviews

[enneagram-reblogs]

Seeing Signs of Growth, by Enneagram Type

From NineTypesCo by Steph Barron Hall.

Type One I know I'm growing when…

My self-talk is kind and compassionate. I admit when I'm wrong (without letting my inner critic take over). I am more accepting of myself and others. I take time to do what I want to do, not only what I "should" do. I choose to share emotional and even logistical burdens with others, rather than taking everything on alone. I am playful, carefree, and connected. I see all the things around me that are already good.

Type Two I know I'm growing when…

I can say "no" without guilt. I take good care of myself and know that I'm important. I make decisions out of the core of who I am rather than out of the fear of losing love. I'm just as curious about myself and my dreams as I am about everyone else's dreams. I soak up alone time and make space for activities I enjoy. I'm more in touch with how I'm truly feeling, and I'm able to share with trusted others. I know that my worth isn't defined by what I do for others.

Type Three I know I'm growing when…

I am aware of my own feelings, and I let them come to the surface. I don't take myself too seriously. I feel like I can breathe easily, and my shoulders are relaxed. I rest when I need to rest. I stop analyzing how people are perceiving me. I can be present in the moment without feeling the need to prove myself. I know deep down that I'm enough as I am: I don't need to perform, achieve, or compete to be worthy.

Type Four I know I'm growing when…

I don't ruminate on how everything I do impacts others. I have cultivated a lifestyle that supports me. I can be at ease with what I like and dislike, even if it's not special or unique. I'm able to feel my feelings without letting them overcome me. I appreciate what is good in life without feeling the need to balance it by focusing on what I'm missing. I feel all of life as it is, without feeling the need to blow things out of proportion or bury them. I know I'm not missing anything, there's nothing wrong with me, and I'm enough exactly as I am.

Type Five I know I'm growing when…

I seek out social interaction rather than running from it, and I seek out people who help me feel energized rather than depleted. I know I can't always think myself out of anxiety or fear, so I use tools aside from research to manage those feelings. I invite others to share in my hobbies (or at least partake in the final product).I express the connective emotions, like empathy, instead of keeping them inside. I feel my feelings in real-time. I prioritize my overall well-being, not just my brain. I remind myself that I don't have to be an expert to begin something new.

Type Six I know I'm growing when…

I trust myself and find freedom in making decisions. I don't need reassurance to know that my relationships are okay. I can easily see the best in others and in situations. I'm able to observe when I'm feeling suspicious of others and get curious about why that might be, rather than jumping to distrust. I trust that others have also done their homework, so I don't feel like I'm the only one who has thought of everything. I feel confident in myself and my choices, and I don't need to justify my thought process. I know I'm going to be okay.

Type Seven I know I'm growing when…

I can let others see me cry, and I'm okay with talking about negative emotions. I say no because I need to, and I don't worry about missing out. I am present in the moment without feeling the need to stir up excitement. I feel grounded and content in the present. I strike a balance between what I want to do and what I have to do. I am patient with others. I recognize when I'm feeling drained, and I slow down to care for myself.

Type Eight I know I'm growing when…

I approach life with openness and allow myself to be impacted by the world. I pause and gather all the necessary information before moving forward. I see my vulnerability and softness as beautiful parts of being human, rather than as weaknesses to hide. I give of myself gratefully without feeling the need to protect myself. I ask for help. I listen in a conversation without feeling the need to insert an opinion. I allow myself to be moved to joy, tears, or other strong emotions by those around me.

Type Nine I know I'm growing when…

I'm able to verbally process my thoughts and feelings. I know that if I speak up, it won't necessarily cause disconnection (and if it does, I'll be okay).I lean in instead of zoning out. I'm fully engaged in my life, my relationships, and my decisions. I advocate for myself and know that I have value to offer. I give myself the same respect and patience I offer to others. I take action on the things that need to get done, and I trust myself to show up for myself.

See the image version of this post!

#ninetypesco #steph barron hall #enneagram #enneagram 1 #enneagram 2 #enneagram 3 #enneagram 4 #enneagram 5 #enneagram 6 #enneagram 7 #enneagram 8 #enneagram 9 #text posts

[itsmythang]

It's a shame a family has to go through this garbage. But thank you for this.

Naomi Biden:

Though the whole world knows his name, no one knows who he is. Here's a thread on my dad, Hunter Biden - free of charge to the taxpayers and free of the corrosive influence of power-at-all-costs politics. The truth of a man filled with love, integrity, and human struggles:

My dad has never sought the spotlight. Growing up, when I attended political events with my pop people would ask if I was Beau’s daughter or “Beau’s brother's daughter.” He liked it that way. He found his purpose in doing everything in his power to help Beau achieve his dream.

He and Beau were one. One heart, one soul, one mind. They grew up with the weight of knowing that each day they lived was a day that their sister, my namesake, and their mother lost. But they had each other and that would be enough. They would make sure it was enough.

After graduating college, not certain what he could do well but certain he wanted to do good, he joined the Jesuit Volunteer Core - A catholic organization working on behalf of marginalized groups and devoted to community and social justice. This is where he would meet my mom.

His dream was to attend Yale Law School, but he was rejected. He started his 1L year at Georgetown instead, he and my mom simultaneously preparing for the start of a family. I was born not just the day of, but in the middle of his civil procedure final exam.

He left the exam and rushed to meet my mother in the hospital. A good family friend still likes to joke about picking him up to take him to the hospital - dressed in a suit too big for him and still in the early days of a life of unknowable adventure.

Later that year, he applied to Yale as a transfer student. He thought he had no chance, but my mom believed in him and, more importantly, them together. For his personal statement, he wrote a poem. Something they encourage you strongly against doing. He received a letter from Yale saying that the dedication  and hard work he had devoted to his study of the law at Georgetown made him more than qualified, but that the poem, unlike anything else they had ever received, earned him a spot at Yale Law.

The 3 of us moved to New Haven into a house that, although no bigger than my freshman year dorm room, was all we needed to call home. Every night they put me to sleep to our anthem - 3 Is A Magic Number, from Schoolhouse Rock. Supporting the three of us off nothing more than his student loans and the cash he saved working summers through high school and college (often w/ beau, including at a meat packing plant - long story lol), he* graduated from Yale Law. *the three of us.

After graduation, he put his dreams on hold to take a job that would ensure that anything was possible for me and my sisters. He used that money to pay off not only his own student loans, but my uncle Beau’s college and law school loans so that he could pursue his dreams too.

When my uncle got sick, my dad never missed a single doctors appointment or chemo treatment. When he got sicker, my dad lived out of a suitcase and slept in the chair next to his hospital bed for two months. He held his hand as he lost his brother and a big piece of himself too. The pain he has endured would be enough to make a lesser man give up on life all together. But despite the best efforts of a cruel few to destroy a private man, he is sober, happy, and as at peace as ever today because as long his family needs him, he has not lost his purpose.

[oui1024]

could u introduce me your ocs? :>

sure!! ive quite a few ocs, so ill give a run down of some of the more developed ones! to start, (sorry for wall i am terrible at being brief) my main oc is a tall android girl named Dualynn (shes the girl in my icon!), a social android from the distant past that survived the end of the world. she doesn't remember much of this very well, so she's more or less taking it as a chance of a new life in the strange new world: one covered in ruins and robots and biomechanical beings, where nature and biology have become one with technology!

dualynn is calm, polite, creative, and more importantly, very curious, with a fascination in seeing all the new things the world has to offer, from the ancient to the brand new. she commonly seeks new purpose and new experiences. she's polite and cautious, but not at all opposed to taking risks if something piques her interests- ESPECIALLY when exploring! she's also girlfriends with my next oc.... ashlii! she's another main oc, and a much more modern bot, being a "nanomorph" - the name given to the species of bots that exist as a "digital" mind that use a "core" to control a nanite swarm and form their bodies! for ashlii, that's the form of a short girl with a translucent body and neon outlines that resemble text! she's highly energetic, clingy, and a constant showoff, as her unique form of existence enables her to shapeshift basically at will, something she loves to make use of. she's also incredibly reckless since her body makes her basically immune to physical harm. she and dualynn are almost inseparable! mostly because ashlii refuses to let go, but dualynn is more than happy to hold on

to round up the main ocs, there's also ana, a strong and quiet "reverse cyborg" girl growing her own body, being unsatisfied with her original robotic form and wanting to make something of her own. she's incredibly strong, serious, and disciplined, though she's not at all inexpressive- she just has to keep her emotions in check, as her own health can be highly sensitive to excitement. in private and in safety with those she can trust, she's very willing to open up and show her softer, more emotional side. there's also rosalot, a walking ink-based 3d printing bot thats a prolific architect- though also very stressed due to her work, having let stuff get a bit out of control and just needing some help getting it back together. hanging out with the other three has helped her a bit with this! finally, two of my less "main" but still major ocs to cap it off- lovesick - another reverse cyborg, a "failure" whose body growth went wildly out of control and gave her a massive, fragile, wormlike body, her human form dangling on the front as little more than a face (think like glados)... and also the absolutely sweetest, happiest person you'll ever meet! she lives in an empty bunker-city in the middle of nowhere that she uses like a massive shell for her body, and uses it to get up to all kinds of experiments no one else could ever get away with- safety's easy when no one's around!

john death - the literal, walking, talking embodiment of the concept of death, the grim reaper of legend and myth, the arbiter of the old death, in the "flesh"..... and also retired. or maybe on paid leave? he's not sure, death never exactly had "employment" to begin with. but he knows he's not needed now; the world he was made for is gone, and the new one has moved on to new forms of death. instead, he spends his time working as a farmer, a "gravetender", a storyteller, a car collector... anything to fill the time, really, until he's ever needed again.

thanks very much for the ask!! this was fun!! :)

#ocs #oc lore #oc

[broadcastbabe]

I can’t help but meet your watchful eyes with a smile. You hover above me, as much a chaperone as an aroused voyeur. Initially, this was your fantasy… to offer me up as a sexual partner to your best friend as proof and a bit of a #humblebrag. You confessed that your pal could not fathom the thrills I provided in your retelling of our intimate moments. I know boys will be boys, but my reaction to this full disclosure… this exposure…. was shock… then dismay… followed by a lustful punishment for telling tales out of school. Honestly, the idea of our exploits rumbling around in someone else’s brain became quite intoxicating. Knowing he knew these details made our social encounters fraught with curiosity on both sides. I began seeing him in a much different light and was compelled to flirt shamelessly as a way to back up your claims. For his part, he would tease me when you were out of earshot, suggesting he could fill-in as stunt husband, if push ever came to shove. Fueled by three horny brains, the inevitable scenarios began forming into a realistic and provocative encounter.

Certainly in this moment, sharing stories of my talents and sensual charms has now officially gone beyond locker room talk with the boys. You have come to crave witnessing my responses as well as his amazement and gratitude for this unique opportunity. After peppering my flesh with thirsty kisses, his hands are trembling as he teases my lacy thong for a first glimpse at my dewy portal. I blow you a kiss and close my eyes to gasp as his fingers breach me tentatively, then withdraw to spread the slick juices on my swelling lips. He enters again to coat them with a sampling to savor on his own lips. He moans in delight and all hesitancy and polite manners dissolve as he leans in to bury his face between my thighs. His tongue is delving deep, as you have informed him of my preferences, and I am lost in the sensations and circumstances. He has brought his own set of skills to the party and I am soon cumming in a kaleidoscope of disbelief and release. I catch brief glances of consternation on your face as I writhe in this new-found ecstasy. There is no respite from his preparatory moves that have me dripping, before he is guiding his stiffened probe deeply into my core. The entry is as exquisite as his withdrawals to re-plunge my depths… and I am soon reduced to punctuated howls of animal lust. You are murmuring in amazement, pride and I-told-you-sos while you stroke my cheek fondly. He admits this is hotter than he could imagine and wants to coincide our impending orgasms for the extreme effect. You remind him of my sure-fire trigger and he works its magic as we explode simultaneously in a glorious climax. I can hear your conversation as I slowly return to Earth, and you’re already suggesting another visit. Apparently, you have discovered a new kink, a fresh perspective on our sex life. I smile again and whisper hoarsely, “Granted, doing me was great… me doing you is not to be missed!”. You both smile for completely different reasons than my own.

#lingerie #girlz

[e3khatena]

I had an experience this week that brought me to the very precipice of a certain flavor of madness and ripped me out of it, returned to the Earth after but just a moment, and it has shaken me to my very core, fundamentally changed my entire being.

I promise you this is about my transition.

For the uninitiated, I was able to start feminizing hormone replacement therapy as of 16 December 2022, and at this point have been on it for just shy of four months. After an early wave of soreness in the first few weeks, I had not felt or noticed any major changes, and went to my endocrinologist after the first three months with virtually nothing to report, not even mental changes brought about by hormones. I was, somehow, a late bloomer to my own second puberty.

Despite that, I did not let that get in the way of acquiring a small outfit completely of piecemeal, cheap components. I bought a sports bra on clearance, a dress at 40% off, and used a prepaid Visa from my birthday to buy a skirt and some other accessories. The dress in particular has been one of my favorites, especially given the warm room I occupy, not aided by a large PC that I absolutely put through its paces. It provides ample ventilation while also just looking really cute to boot, and it has provided ample gender euphoria on the days I do wear it.

I sent this selfie to a friend of mine shortly after helping them out with a bit of money during one of their livestreams. I like helping my friends and also likewise enjoy sending along stuff like this as a nice bonus. “GOD you’re cute, dawww” was the response I got from them.

This was the first time anyone had ever called me cute, and it was a friend who I looked up to and felt was infinitely more fashionable and confident in themselves than I was about me. I shared this story with other friends, who also confirmed, and posted the selfie online, where someone DMed me to add to the euphoria. This part of the story ends here but we will return to it briefly.

This past Sunday, I purchased the indie game Unpacking. The title is a puzzle game in which you unload moving boxes of the protagonist’s stuff into new spaces as they move into new locales during their time in college and their adult life. In the penultimate level, a new set of boxes arrive, a character quickly discovered to be the girlfriend of our apparently-queer protagonist. In the final level, the two kinds of boxes are scattered around, and their contents are not specific to the protagonist or her girlfriend, but are completely mixed, and the ending song calls this out as part of the tender act of “unpacking a life”.

I cried. This is not new, I cried in a not-dissimilar manner after playing Gone Home, which featured a similarly wholesome lesbian romance, but I still cried regardless. I went to bed, and it’s clear that I was still dwelling on it all.

I dreamt that I had laid my head in a girl’s lap, sitting on a hardwood floor. She ran her hands over my body and told me I was cute, that she loved me, and that I didn’t have to worry or even think around her, it was okay to just breathe and relax, and I did. Her touch felt so real, so gentle and sweet, and for a moment the pretense of a dream faded away, it was real and it was so beautifully sweet.

I awoke Monday morning to the phantom of a comforting touch I had never felt in my life. I had an experience so real-feeling but so far beyond description that it had rocked me completely. I have zero experience with love outside of the platonic sort; the way I love my dog or spending time with my friends. I had second-hand knowledge of relationships based on accounts from those friends, but they never ended well and called me lucky I “didn’t get any of this”, as if my ignorance was a gift to be cherished and not just an integral hole in my being that had never even attempted to be filled.

I’ve had debilitating social anxiety my entire life, the kind that gives me paralysis and chest pain around the girls in middle and high school that I wanted to know better, the kind that felt ashamed and terrified when Valentine’s Day in 9th grade had us fill out surveys to ultimately aid in matchmaking in our school, the kind that looked at prom only as an expensive catered meal in another town and nothing more (my prom apparently sucked but that’s a story for another day; I spent the night playing Fallout New Vegas and had a better time for it). This anxiety had never gone away, I had never grown out of it, and my teenage creed to prove myself “better” or “more mature” than my peers by not getting engaged with romantic social matters had only ever made me less confident, less mature, and worse off for my adult years than those same peers.

And now here I was, spending most of Monday too distracted by this yearning I felt to be held, to be appreciated, to be *loved* the way I had been in that dream, and entirely unable to comprehend the emotion I had felt. I described the sensation of having my brain replaced by a “sickly sweet mush” and spent the whole day with a deeply emotional pining gripping at me, a sensation far surpassing my traditional touch starvation, a craving so deeply personal and so foreign to me, but so heartfelt and strong that I still feel it more than a day later, even as I write it.

I know nothing socially. I’ve never even gotten to hold another lady’s hand, let alone be told I was loved by one, and I’ve never felt the need to even bother vocalizing those mannerisms because they felt weird and gross of me, after having been so avoidant for so long, but now the feeling welling inside me is so strong that I’ve had to let them spill, if for nothing else than my own sanity. At long last, after more than a decade of post-pubescent life, I’m finally absolutely starved of romantic and sensual love and it’s eating at my recently estrogen-flooded mind and body.

I don’t know how to proceed. Like, part of me knows the answer is to find my fellow local queer folk and make friends and such in there, to actually be vulnerable around them, but I have zero experience with that all and have no idea where to turn. If you made it this far and have any ideas regarding this, I’m open to hearing them.

Thank you.

#mtf #trans #I don’t know what else to tag this with #my brain’s a certified mess #also real sorry about the fuckin novelette I wrote here but this is all so very interconnected and fuckin WEIRD for me