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#it is very nice that i do not have to do everything all by myself because i've been able to take the rest breaks i need
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i got so happy when i found out i'm aplatonic, genuinely. i think the main reason was because i have ocd, and one of my obsessions has always been this horrible fear of being an abusive toxic piece of shit being without realizing.
in turn that made me compulsively look up articles on How To Be A Healthy Person 101, and *so many of them* would go on and on about how you should have plenty of friends and broaden your social circle because by being friends/romantically involved with just a few people or even only *one* person you aren't going to "grow as a person" and "humans are social creatures" and "you shouldn't push all of your needs" onto one person, and for a long time that made me feel really fucked up
i would join discord servers, i would give out my handles to anyone who would breathe near me, i would try so hard that it was only after i realized i'm apl and started looking back that i noticed how bad all of that was being for me. i'd get so exhausted and uncomfortable, and it certainly didn't help that in today's internet culture people overshare *so much,* to the point where i felt like if i didn't share everything about myself i wouldn't be able to bond properly with others and feel that "spark" of friendship. none of my friendships ever lasted obviously, they died off very quickly.
upon learning about aplatonicism, it was such a.. relief? "oh! so it's fine. and i don't have to try anymore, because you can be happy just being by yourself with no friends." and consequentially i learned about so many more things, like how i enjoy being *around* people and even *with* them to a certain degree [depending on how i'm feeling], but not thoroughly involved, like in a class or a club, or people watching in an online game, that's how i get most of my Social Interaction Points. it all made me realize that i can reject concepts that don't work for me regardless of what society tells me, and that i should prioritize my well being and my happiness which had always been something i struggled with throughout my entire life.
most importantly, it made me more confident in how i navigate my relationships nowdays, and it made me better at establishing boundaries and pursuing the things i want. i have so much time and so many things i wanna do when i'm pretty much by myself almost all the time, it's very fun! feels so nice when i can stop for a second and appreciate that i'm by myself.
to all apls out there, you guys are very cool and i hope you have a good day today. :] thumbs up emoji
:D
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saying goodbye
(cw: age gap 25/41; mndi, slight nsfw; angst, brief discussion of loss and fear of death)
the part before: comforting him
I wanted to do something nice for König before he goes on his next mission, before he has to leave. Which is quite the challenge to make it a surprise from him when you’re living together. Well, staying together, but it doesn’t change the fact that we spend most of our time with each other.
Another reason, why this doesn't feel like dating anymore. It doesn't feel like just being exclusive. It doesn't feel like a living arrangement because he broke my bed. Also, he seems to be doing better again, after the little downward spiral that plagued him at the end of last week. At the same time… I can't shake the feeling that he's a bit more closed off than he was before.
I sigh. He’ll leave in only two days and we agreed that I would go home tomorrow because, well… it can’t be postponed any longer.
I already knew he has to sort out some stuff today before being deployed, driving into the city, getting a medical check-up and also arranging the details for my new bed to finally be delivered. But this gives me the chance to pack up most of my stuff and prepare what I wanted to surprise him with while he is away for a few hours.
I went grocery shopping after work, got everything that the recipe called for, and started as soon I was back at his place. I cut so many onions for this, I’m all cried out, but I still can’t help the little lump sitting in the back of my throat, closing it up, which has nothing to do with the cut vegetables
He comes back earlier than I anticipated, mumbling something about an incompetent doctor and how he doesn’t like to have his blood drawn. But I shoo him out of his own kitchen with a few comforting words, tell him to sit in the living room and read something. And not disturb me.
“Aye-aye, Ma’am.”, he says, an amused smirk on his face as he jokingly salutes. I roll my eyes and laugh a little, patting his butt, to make him hurry along.
I still need to prepare the sidedish and let the stew cook for a little longer to make sure the meat is tender and the sauce is thick enough. At least that’s what the recipe said. And I need to make sure I do everything right.
When it’s finally done, the kitchen looks like somebody threw around food, although I did my best to clean up as I go.
I fill one of the soup dishes with the stew, putting the Nockerl in there as well, the dough already soaking up some of the sauce. I compare the dish in front of me with the picture from the recipe and I’m actually content with how it came out.
I set the plate down on the island where the seats are and call for König while I get myself a smaller portion. I hear his steps before his huge stature appears in the doorframe.
“Uh, dinner is ready.”, I say wryly smiling at him, with my plate in my hands. I set it down next to his.
“I can see that and I already smelled the cooking in the living room, it smells deli-“ The words gets stuck in his throat as he comes closer, stopping in front of the plate. He drops onto the seat, the furniture aching under his weight. The smile he was still wearing when he came into the kitchen has dissipated, his mouth hanging open, when he looks up from his plate, his eyes finding mine. He looks almost in shock.
I sit down next to him, suddenly very unsure if this whole ordeal even was a good idea.
“You cooked Gulasch?”, he asks, his voice wavering.
I nod. “Yes, I remember how you said that you liked it, so uh, I tried to make it.”
“But you’re vegetarian.”, he adds.
“Yes, but you aren’t. And the original recipe calls for beef.”, I explain, putting the doughy pillows that the Austrians call Nockerl onto my fork, scooping up some of the sauce. I just want to try a bit of, tasting a part of his origins.
He’s still staring as I put the fork into my mouth, and well, he didn’t promise too much when he was talking about his favourite food because that’s really delicious. Though I’m unsure about how authentic it is.
His gaze moves from me to the plate in front of him, finally picking up the fork, and he digs in, taking the biggest bite. I wait to see what his reaction would be like. He shovels two, three forkfuls into his mouth, chewing, tasting. And then suddenly just stops. Goes completely still. And I don’t know what’s going on as his head drops forward, his hair hanging in front of his face.
A small silent sob shakes his chest and a stray tear falls from his face into the stew. My heart drops to my feet. Fuck.
“We don’t need to eat it, if it’s no good.”, I say lightly, trying not to let it affect me. When I go to grab his plate, his head whips in my direction, and I finally get a good look at his face.
“What, no?! I-“ He takes a deep breath, his hand wiping over his eyes quickly, like the tear was never there. “This is the nicest thing somebody has done for me in a long time.”, he finally says. “And it reminds me of my Oma.” A deep sigh shakes his tall frame. “So, thank you, okay? It’s delicious.” He takes my hands, softly pulling them towards him, pressing a kiss on each palm.
The sadness in his eyes isn’t completely gone when I look into them, and I didn’t anticipate that this simple gesture of cooking him his favourite meal would have him in shambles like that. But the smile that turns up the corners of his mouth is a warm one, thankful and happy.
“You’re welcome.”, I simply tell him. “I’m glad you like it.” I press my lips to his, reassuring the big giant that it was okay, without saying it out loud.
When I pull back, he lingers, his hand shooting up to the back of my head, stealing another kiss. Long, deep and oh so soft. Another “thank you”, without saying it out loud.
“What was your Oma like?”, I ask him, taking a forkful of my sauced-up Nockerl. He talked about her before, but it might keep me from tearing up as well.
The smile on his face gets wider and he starts to tell stories about her. Leaving the other people in his family out of it, for the most part.
How she always asked him to get the stuff from the upper shelves because he was already taller than her at age 12. How he sat in the kitchen doing his homework while she cooked. How she stopped pestering him about going to church on Sunday eventually, but still almost smacked him in his head when he turned the cross in the living room upside down as a joke. How she cried when he joined the military because that was the last thing she wished for him. How she still let him go and how he had to promise her to come back – or else. How he helped her in the garden every time he came home and kept doing that well into his 30s. And how he nearly missed her funeral because he almost couldn’t get permission to leave for a few days.
König takes seconds and even thirds, eating almost all of the Gulasch I cooked. I’m already done sitting over my empty plate, listening to him talk, getting us something to drink. When he is done as well, he grabs the plates to wash up, not letting me help in any way, because “Oh no, you already cooked and everything”. He tells me to pick out a movie I’d like to watch, the glint in his eyes telling me that it’s probably going to get cut short again, so I put on Pulp Fiction, a movie we both have watched countless times before.
He laughs as he comes into the living room with a beer in his hand and sees my choice on the flatscreen, taking a seat at the couch and I hop onto his lap when his ass barely touched the cushions. We’re entangled, as close as you can be. And it doesn’t take long for his hands to wander. Squeeze, caress, stroke over my body. Teasing me with soft kisses against my neck until a heavy sigh leaves my lips. He takes that as an invitation to finally take me to the bedroom where he lies me down on the mattress to eat me out, while he kneels on the floor. Messy, sloppy licks and nibbles, his fingers methodically filling me until I cum for him, my thighs pressing together around his head.
He crawls over me, pushing into me with his dick, after teasing my clit some more with his tip, the piercing deliciously pressing into the sensitive nub.
Slow and sweet doesn’t mean less intense, the soft stretch with every sensual roll of his hips sending sensations over my body, making me pant and throw my head back with pleasure.
His hand on my chin compelling me look at him while he is fucking me like this… until it doesn’t feel like just fucking anymore. When I come again, this time around his dick, it feels like a soft wave washing over me, his name on my lips, and he doesn’t stop pushing into me, prolonging my orgasm and chasing his own until he spills inside me.
He presses kisses to my cheek, pulling me into him, and we snuggle up against each other to fall asleep. My back is against his front, the heat of his body warming me, that I don’t even need a blanket. Feeling the comfort of his embrace a little more clearly than usual.
And the realisation hits me that he is going to leave. And I’m gonna go back home, to my apartment. No more König when I come home from work. No shared meals in the kitchen, no sitting in his lap on the couch. No laughing fits in the middle of the night when one of us says something so stupid that the other can’t comprehend. No filthy sex and tender kisses. No calling him “old man” to get a rise out of him. No dirty punishment for my bratty ass. No feeling him inside me, his brows turned up, his eyes rolling back in ecstatic expression as he comes. None of it, at least for some time.
I push those thoughts away, pulling his arms tighter around me as if I could keep him like this. I close my eyes, ignoring the one stray tear that rolls down my cheek, and drift off into sleep.
And with this the day I have been dreading the whole week is finally here. The day when I return to my own apartment after staying with him for weeks. I even took a day off of work for this.
I’m trying not to let it show too much, because it’s a bit stupid. This living arrangement always was meant to be temporary and I always knew he was on leave, needing to go back to his work at some point sooner or later. But now that it’s here… I kinda don’t want it to happen at all.
The coffee tastes a little bitter as I sip it, even though he added just as much milk as usual, with the typical joking disgust while diluting the tasty elixir, that always makes me chuckle and shake my head.
The sunlight streaming through the big windows in the living room blinds me as it reflects off the shiny couch upholstery when I go to collect Mimi from her spot, putting her in the cat carrier.
The book I finished reading on the weekend gets caught when I push it into its place on the shelf, some of the pages creasing. I curse, showing König and apologizing. He takes the book from my grasp, straightening out the crinkles, and puts it back. “Don’t worry, Liebes, it’s just a book.”, he says, his arm coming around me as he pulls me against his warm body and presses a kiss to the top of my head.
I get the rest of my stuff, seeing that one of my yarn balls has tangled into a net of knots, and I curse again. Of course, it did. I put my crochet bag into one of the boxes and carry it outside.
With a sigh I look back over my shoulder one last time and close the door behind me, placing my stuff in the trunk and climbing into the driver’s seat of my own car. Starting it and driving after him, and it’s weird not to sit right next to him in his car.
It’s weird being home again. Letting Mimi out of her carrier, the little kitty running around, brushing against his legs. And he picks her up, carrying her around, just like they always do. The small creature is purring against his chest as he shimmies her around, humming some tune I can't place.
It’s weird standing here in my apartment with him, waiting for the bed to be delivered. I can feel my bubbly yapping coming back, not being able to shut up, and König is listening like he always does. Short, one-worded answers while his hand is petting Mimi, scratching between her ears and under her chin.
The doorbell ringing tears us from our conversation. The delivery guys are handing the packages over, asking if they should help bring them in, but König declines, giving them a tip and sending them their way.
I’m not as easily deterred from trying to help with the packages, although König is carrying most of them, barely breaking a sweat, while I struggle with the smallest one.
Sitting on the bedroom floor, his tall figure still reaching up to my hips before I get down next to him. He’s glancing at the instructions, squeezing his eyes together, but I can tell he’s having a hard time seeing the illustrations of the steps correctly.
And of course he is too stubborn to ask for help. I grin to myself and shake my head. “Forgot your glasses?”, I ask him, already knowing the answer.
“Yeah.”, he says wryly, and I extend my hand, suggesting silently he’ll hand over the instructions and he does, with a sigh and a little smile.
While I’m still studying the instructions, he’s laying out the pieces and already putting the first parts together. Of course, he is choosing the hands-on approach, even with stuff like that, figuring it out as he moves along, and I chime in with a few comments here and there, guiding the construction.
His long hair is getting in the way and I lend him a hair tie, and I don’t think I’ll ever manage to get over how meticulous he puts his hair in a ponytail. I mean, he probably has done that same move for years, his hands collecting all the stray strands, the band snapping around them with two quick motions and then it just sits perfectly at the back of his head.
We spent so much time together and I realise that I’ve never seen him do that. The whole time he was always wearing his hair down, some strands hanging in front of his face. Sometimes he put them into a lose bun when he was working out, but never like this.
“What?”, he asks me, a hint of uncertainty on his face.
I shake my head. “Nothing, your hair looks good like that.”, I say, clearing my voice when it dares to break off, but I save it with a smile which gets mirrored by his, and I can’t help but put a kiss onto it while a pang of something spreads in my chest. I feel like I know him so well, and yet I keep learning parts of him I’ve never seen before.
“Come on, Hexe.”, he says when I linger, prolonging the kiss, caught in my thoughts, his hand patting my hip which makes me giggle a bit, but I can't shake the feeling that's settling in my stomach. Fuck, he's gonna leave.
Pretty quickly we construct the bed, it’s easy enough, especially when you’re following the instructions – a sentiment I say out loud after he managed to stick two pieces together who fit, but actually belong like that. He just grins and pulls them apart easily, his muscles flexing for just a moment.
“Show-off.”, I say, sticking my tongue out at him.
Finally, the frame is done, the slats already fitted into it and last but not least, we hoist the mattress onto them.
“You didn’t need to buy me a new one, you know.”
He shoots me a look. A knowing one.
“Really, it was fine. The old one would have sufficed.”
“I have slept on that mattress. You needed a new one.”
“Oh, that's just your old bones.”, I quip, and I know how ridiculous I must sound telling that to a soldier who can probably sleep anytime anywhere.
He pinches my nose. “You're not getting younger yourself, Missy.”, he answers. "Your back will be thankful."
“Yeah, yeah.”, I say grinning and bump my hip against his, rather hitting the burly thigh, before getting some bedsheets.
The fresh sheets match the nice dark wood of the bedframe, the bed now looking so much nicer than the rest of my furniture pieces.
“Thanks. For the new bed.”, I tell him, smiling up at him, getting on my tiptoes.
“No need to thank me, Liebes.”, he answers, leaning down and meeting me halfway for a kiss. “It was my fault you needed a new one in the first place.”, a wry grin accompanying his words.
“Well, this looks much sturdier like the one I had before.” I tap the wooden frame, a hollow knock resounding.
“Well, I needed to make sure that it wouldn’t break that easily again.”, he says, smiling down at me, a twinkle in his eyes. A reminder of how we broke it in the first place.
“Care to test that theory?”, I ask him cheekily, although I’m not really in the mood right now. My heart is way too heavy.
Before I can say anything else, he grabs me by the waist and lifts me up on the bed, the mattress dipping down under my weight. His hands are steadying me when I start to jump up and down, bouncing on it. Damn, it’s really nice. And I don't dare to ask how much he spent on it.
“Sturdy enough, you think?”, he asks me.
I nod. “You wanna come up here too?”, I tease him.
He shakes his head, just grinning, following my movements up and down with his eyes.
“Oh come on!”, I exclaim, not ready to stop this sillyness.
He pulls up his eyebrows. “I don’t think that would be wise, we don’t need to push it.”, he grins, when all of a sudden, there’s a faint cracking sound, and I stop, almost toppling over trying to hold my balance on the wobbling mattress.
“Point and case.”, he remarks as his arms coming around my waist as he lifts me off the bed.
“Okay, okay…”
I hold onto him like a little spider monkey, my legs closing around him, my cheek pressing against his shoulder as I nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck. Like I could keep him here like that. Or he’ll just take me with him when I stick to him like a limpet. Maybe I’m small enough to fit into his pocket.
My fingers get caught in his hair as I try to run them through it like I always do, and he pulls the hair tie from them, putting it away, letting me play with the long strands, as he goes to sit down.
The couch in my apartment is way smaller than his, his frame fills the cushions easily, so I have nowhere else to sit but his lap. Like I would have sat anywhere else. Trying to be as close to him as possible.
We’re not saying anything, just sitting here. My head rests against his shoulder, his scent all around me. I can hear his heart beat, feel it beneath my fingertips resting on his chest. Steady and strong, but a little too fast.
His hands are gently caressing my thighs and back, and even though I feel the sadness seep into me, the soft touches ground me.
We sit in silence for what seems eternity while at the same time lasting barely more than the blink of an eye. And I wish we could remain in this moment, frozen in time, but well.
He sighs softly, the deep sound pulling me from my thoughts, and I lift my head, to look at him.
“We need to say goodbye.” He slumps back, his shoulders hitting the backrest. “I wish I didn’t need to go.”, he exhales. Saying what I was thinking.
"Don't worry, I'll still be here when you're on leave again.", I tell him, softly kissing his cheek. He turns to me, the expression on his face serious and... a bit sad.
"But you shouldn't be.", he says, calm and steady.
"But-", I want to protest.
He shakes his head. "No, you should be with somebody your age, someone who can give you stability." He sighs. "Someone who can guarantee you that they'll come back to you. Every time they leave."
And the realisation hits me. He isn't saying goodbye for now. He's saying goodbye for good.
“I see.”, is all I manage because my feelings come crashing down over me with a vicious fervor. I thought I was going to have to deal with him leaving for weeks or months. With him being gone for a while. Not with a breakup.
“I’m sorry.”, he apologizes and starts to explain. “I never meant for this to go this far or… this deep.” The admission in his words makes my stomach flip upside down. I actually feel a little nauseous as my hands grip my own thighs, trying to hold onto something. “And I should’ve maybe said something earlier.” He swallows hard.
“The truth is that I had the best time this leave, and that was solely because of you.” He finally looks at me again, the raw emotions in his eyes almost scaring me. But the resolve in them is clear as well. “I couldn’t get myself to break it off. But I can’t make you wait for me either. Because I can’t even promise you that I will return.” His voice is shaking now and seeing him like this makes my lower lip tremble as I just try to breathe.
“And I can’t do that to you. The thought of you waiting for me at home and only a casket coming back… has been killing me inside these past few days.” The words come out choked and I can’t look at him anymore, my head snapping to the side as that image fills my mind. “Fuck, I’m really sorry, okay?”
We sit here like this for a moment longer. His hands stopped caressing my thighs and back, and I want to scream. The cold feeling of loss grips my heart, a viciously clawed hand leaving gaping wounds as it was making its way up my chest. He’s still sitting underneath me, but I feel like he’s already gone.
“I get it.”, I finally say, my voice trembling and hoarse. Still not able to look at him because I wouldn’t have been able to hold back my tears.
“I knew you would.”, he says, the words breaking up as he speaks. And I think back to when he told me that he couldn’t have a partner or family because his job won’t allow it. And I finally get why he thinks like that. At least I guess so. The big house devoid of any life but him, his own little safe haven, and I only now understand how temporary this whole arrangement really had been. I just didn’t see it. Maybe because I didn’t want to.
While I still try to process everything, he lifts me up and sets me down on the cushions of the couch. Like he did countless times the last few weeks. In his living room. And a sob tears from my chest because the gesture reminds me of so many tender and filthy moments at the same time. I hug my knees, pulling them close to me, already missing the warmth of his body. But that’s the way it is now, I guess.
He crouches down, coming face to face with me, and it just hurts to look at him. The bandshirt he bought for the concert we went to together. The tattoos on his knuckles, straining from the tension in his balled-up fists. The long dark hair, pushed to the side, falling back down his shoulder. I don’t need to touch it, to know how soft it feels. The mouth that smiled at me so often. The lips I have kissed countless times and that have kissed every inch of my body. The furrowed brows. The slack expression on his face concealing the laughlines. And for the first time since I’ve known him looking into his eyes doesn’t give me comfort.
He carefully takes my chin, the pads of his fingertips rough against the skin, softly digging into my jaw, like he likes – liked to do. He leans forward pressing a kiss to my lips which almost makes the tears drop from my eyes. A kiss to say goodbye, gentle and bittersweet.
"Stay safe, okay?", he whispers, his eyes looking intently into mine, but I can only nod. My throat is closed up because I know he won't be safe. Not saying anything because I don't want to cry in front of him. Because that will only make it harder, on both of us.
He straightens back up and leaves. The door falls shut behind him.
And I finally let the waterworks flow, sobs shaking my chest as I throw myself into the couch where he sat just a few moments ago.
Mimi’s meow pulls me from my crying fit when she jumps up onto the couch, her little head bumping into me, and I pull her against my chest, the tears rolling down my cheeks. And the odd thought crosses my mind if the crinkles in the book on his shelf are the only remainders of me in his house. While I have this new bed.
How did we get here? Masterlist
a/n: i have been working on this chapter for months and i knew what was coming and now that it's finished, i can't help but still feel the sadness hitting me 🥲 - and no, this is not the last chapter (in case you were fearing that rn) take this recipe for authentic austrian beef gulasch as a token of my apology
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crzyimp · 1 day
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AITA for not wanting to divorce my wife when my in-laws are racist and fat phobic about it?
I’m(M) recently married to my(F) wife. For some context, I’ve known this family for roughly 3 years and worked for them; I never complained about the hard labor or long hours, hell I did the work of 3 men or more without breaking a sweat! I’m very self conscious about my looks and weight, so I glamorize myself and sometimes use a wrap to make myself thin. It hurts sometimes, but it’s better than being stared at or comments thrown at me. Now my in-laws, let's call them Mr. and Mrs. G, are big on tradition about passing the family business to a son, but they only have daughters and the oldest two are already married, and they can’t find a guy who will give up his surname for theirs (I can’t blame them, I haven’t met a guy who’s willing to do that). Anyways during those three years I’ve gotten to know Mr. and Mrs. G’s youngest daughter and currently my wife, Cui.
Sweetest, nicest girl I ever met and we hit it off without a hitch, she’s everything I wished for in a wife. She knows the ins and out of how to run her family business, but Mr. G refuses to just let her take over unless she’s married to a man who can take their surname…well after she told me that I said I can be her husband since I’m technically an orphan and I don’t have any attachments to the surname given to me. Originally it was going to be more of a business relationship or front until she can find someone she can love, especially how I actually look, and I told her that. Cui thought that was sweet of me. So we talked to her parents together and they gave their blessing once they learned I’m an orphan.
Wedding planning, preparations, and the actual wedding was nice but very stressful; I didn’t have much time to myself and decompress as my in-laws wanted my attention 24/7. I can feel my glamor smearing off and the wraps digging into my skin to the point it’s cutting into my skin. Though during the wedding I can’t just walk away for a moment to be alone and I don’t want to disappoint Cui, so I bear through the ceremony and during the reception I drink to get my mind off the pain and my insecurities. Now I may be an asshole here since I drank way too much and I haven’t had a drink in 3ish years, so I get more drunk than I wanted and got way too relaxed…where I took off the wraps under my clothes and my glam is off.
All hell broke loose, as if a hungry ghost or one of the kings was there! People were screaming about a fatass pig demon crashing the party and I was ready to throw this asshole out until Cui, my sweet wife, told me that they were talking about me. Still drunk and now shocked, I bawled my eyes out and ran out of the room, accidentally knocking stuff and people over on the way out. Cui followed after me to make sure I’m okay.
Ever since that, her parents bully and pick on me about my appearance and my weight, telling me I’m a fatso that doesn’t have the right to be part of their family, saying I stink up the place (I’m still working hard to support the business and during the hot summers I can’t help but sweat), to how much I eat (again it’s hard work and I do eat to cope from the abuse), to how they never see Cui anymore (she locked up in our house and I have the key so her parents can’t have surprise visits and abuse me more), to how I should go back to where I came from (and other racist remarks, but I don’t want to be flagged by the mods). They even hired thugs to get me to divorce Cui! Thugs who try to chase me out of my own home and wife! Thankfully I had years of experience in combat, and so far none bested me. Though their words are starting to get to me and that’s why I’m here asking you guys. Am I the asshole?
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lynaferns · 5 hours
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The Forest On The Other Side
Chapter 1: I want to go home.
Ver. [ENGLISH / SPANISH]
A girl gets lost in the forest and finds a misterious gate in the middle of nowhere. At the other side she meets a... very peculiar individual who seems to only want to befriend her and play. Everything seems fine. Until night falls and someone else joins to play...
Again, I appreciate feedback about the english adaptation. English is not my first lenguage and I still mess up sometimes.
This is in some way a more "joyful" story than BIOMáquina, still with its dark themes. I wrote this a year ago. By this I mean I forced myself to get it written down and ended up hating it and burning myself out. A couple of weeks ago I decided to reread it and I though it was pretty ok actually, so I edited it a bit to make it flow better. It used to be written more as a script for the comic I wanted to draw buuuut that didn't happen (cough stressed myself out cough forced myself cough don't force yourself to make content out of a hobby, a hobby is supposed to be for your own fun). I'm not completely satisfied with the final draft but I think is good enough for my first ever fic written.
I originally planned to make it a Y/N thing but that didn't last long. But I keeped the original idea of the first person POV. The Y/N stories I've read has always some narrator telling you what you do insert you in the story. I thought of making the MC the narrator, this way the reader can insert themselves like it's their story or they can read it as if someone else is telling them a story. This is also a bit limiting, since the narration is also the MCs thought process and sometimes I may skip details MC couldn't have seen.
AU, Magical forest, DCA centered, Sun fnaf, Moon fnaf, Elves Sun & Moon, OC, Selfinsert, Character & OC, platonic, friendship, slowburn (kind of), Moon is agresive at first, Moon is also a bit of a gremlin, Protective Sun (I think), OC is a potty mouth, Female Main Character, First person, Angst.
The first post where I showed this AU and my first sketches ideas.
Tumblr archive with all of the art, ideas and anwsered asks.
Youtube Playlist which I'm pretty proud of how it turned out :] It's in a specific order but you can put it on mix.
Note: even though I try to keep things light some things may be triggering for some readers.
CW: Anxiety, Suicide ideation, Implied death, Choking, Non sexual abuse.
Wordcount: 9,700 (It's not rounded, that's literally the number Word tells me it's at lol)
Welp.
Here we are again, in the old village house (yey...). Well, 'I am', my family won't arrive to settle in for another week. They brought me here beforehand a few days ago for organizational reasons. They took a quick look inside before they left to see the state of the house, if it needed any repairs and such, and they headed back to the city. While they finish preparing everything, I take care of the house and text them messages about anything that may be needed for when they return.
We haven't been here in years, the house needs some repairs, and I'm sorry for the spiders, but it could use a deep cleaning. We can't do a deep cleaning but I have been cleaning what I can these last few days, at least so that it looks decent... at first glance.
Well, it's not like anyone is coming to visit.
It's a quiet town, until the kids from the town next door come to make a racket with their bikes. They play in our field, scare away the cats and throw cans around. They are assholes.
Anyways, the people in the village are nice. The adults I mean, the kids I used to play with, I don't get along with them anymore. Some of them aren't kids anymore, we have grown up and are going down different paths. But those who are still kids... they're still interested in the only older kid in the town who listened to them and let them do whatever they wanted, to a certain extent.
I don't want them to come looking for me to go out and play. I've been avoiding them by saying that I'm busy cleaning the house and getting it ready for when my family arrives, but I feel like interacting with them less and less. That's why I'm going out to the woods behind the house to get lost for a while, as always. The kids don't go near the forest so they won't bother me there.
There is an area for tourism and hiking but not many people come, some police cars border the forest from time to time but they never go inside. The reports of missing people in this forest have been coming in for decades, only some lost children have returned but there is no trace of any of the adults who disappeared along with the rest of the children. The areas marked with signs are safe but you can't go out of bounds unless you want to disappear with those people.
And I, who right now am alone and with no one to notice my absence if I go missing, am going to head straight to the forest. Don't you think, I don't want to disappear, I just don't like people and I usually go into the forest but I don't go too far away. As long as I see my house in the distance, I know how to return.
I grab my bag with my sketchbook and pencil case, in case I feel like drawing (probably won't) and step out to the back porch. The outer sliding metal door that protects the inner one is rusty and difficult to open. It would be better to oil it but I don't know when it will be done, considering that the broken railing has had a wooden board tied to it for years. I already sent my mother a message talking about it.
I enter the forest and start walking around. It's hot, of course, it's early summer, but it's quite noticeable after being in the cool inside the brick and stone house. That's the good thing about coming here in summer, the houses are made to stay cold inside and it's great, sometimes I even need to wear a jacket. But outside I'm dying, the trees don't provide enough shade. In fact, some trees are missing. I used to have my routes memorized but time has passed and some paths have changed, some have disappeared and others have formed. I admit that it makes me a little sad... I began to walk absorbed in my thoughts not paying attention to where I was going.
I'm walking away, I should go back. I'm not going to draw anything here anyway, and it's hotter outside than inside so I'm gonna to turn around-
I hear screams and laughter in the distance, the sound of the voices produces me an immediate disgust. It's those kids from the next door village. They must have come to 'investigate' about the disappearances or maybe they don't care and they just came to be idiots-
They're getting closer.
I don't want them to see me. God. Don't let them see me. Anyone but them. They're getting closser. Don't let them see me. I can't go back home now. They're cutting me off. Of all the people who could have found me. It had to be them. No, please. Don't let them see me. I have to go further into the forest, I can't let them see me. They're getting closer. Don't let them see me. I want to leave. I want to leave. I'm getting too far. I want to leave. I don't see my house. I want to leave. I don't see the village. I want to leave. I don't see the kids.
...
...
...
Where am I?
Fuck.
Where am I?
I want to leave.
I want to leave.
I want to leave.
I want to leave.
Now I'm wandering through the forest. I don't want to go back. I want to get out of here. Even though I'm walking in a straight line I feel like I'm going around in circles, and I'm not going to get out of here now. Great. I'm lost. Now what? People who get lost in this forest don't return, no one has returned except for some children.
...
I'm going to disappear.
...
For now I keep walking until something happens. Maybe there's an animal that kills people who get lost, or maybe it's a group of kidnappers, or maybe I should stop giving myself anxiety and focus on getting out of here. Maybe if I find a field or road, or even the tourist area, I'll be able to get out of here and return bordering the fores-
...
There is... colorful graffitis on the trees. Someone has painted eyes, hands, stars and more on the bark of the trees...
What's this?
I don't know where I've come to, I didn't know this was here, in the middle of nowhere in the forest. The trees have red leaves like in autumn even though summer has just started... The first thing I thought was 'climate change's fault' but there is something that stands out in the middle of this entire flat area and it is disturbing me.
In the center there is a kind of circular gate made of stones supported by roots.
Okay, maybe it doesn't sound aaaaas disturbing as, I don't know, a totem with a human figure being impaled or something, but it's giving me a bad vibe. What is this place? Who built a stone arch in the middle of everything and why?
A bird appears flying from behind me and goes through the gate, but nothing comes out on the other side... wait what? how? The bird has crossed the gate, and disappeared behind the stone arch? ...I had to imagine it, it's not possible that that happened. I approach the arch but not before picking up a rock from the ground and throwing it to the other side of the gate.
It's still there.
For some reason the thought of going through the gate makes me uncomfortable, so I go around it.
...
...And the rock? It's not there.
I go back and look from inside the portal.
The rock is there.
...
I look from outside. The rock is not there. I repeat this multiple times. Rock. No rock. Rock. No rock. Rock. No rock... What?
Alright, this is weird, this is VERY weird.
Even though it is clear that this isn't normal, I have to go back, pick up a fallen branch from the ground and pass it through the portal. This time I don't throw it, I've grabbed a branch long enough to see it peek out from the other side of the arch.
...
Welp.
I should be seeing not only the branch, but also my hand sticking out of the side, but I'M NOT SEEING IT. OKAY. OK. ALRIGHT. IT'S CONFIRMED. THIS IS WEIRD.
I'm asleep, right? Or unconscious. I must have passed out from exhaustion from endlessly wandering through the woods and I'm delirious or something. No, wait, it can't be, in my dreams I'm not this aware of what's around me. Where am I?
A breeze begins to pass through the gate. It's getting stronger but not enough to push me. The leaves rise from the ground and float towards the portal, none slipping outside, all entering through the stone arch. Suddenly the breeze that had become wind stops. The leaves fall to the ground.
...
I look back for a moment, as if there was something behind me that could help me make a decision. Grabbing with both hands my bag strap I look back at the portal again. Okay. Alright. This is possibly the death of me. I'm going to cross. I'm going to go to the other side. I'm just one step away from crossing. I wrinkle my face and narrow my eyes before taking the last step.
...
Nothing has happened. Everything seems the same. However, I know it's not the same... Or at least it doesn't feel the same!
Well, I've already crossed. I'm gonna... keep walking, I guess, even though this is scaring me and I don't know if I'll know how to go back. For now I'm moving forward. The red leaves have disappeared several meters ago. It's starting to look like a normal forest, except for the multicolored drawings and handprints that I keep seeing on the trees. In fact, it seems like the trees are taller with every step I take. So high that I can barely see the top. I almost tripped while looking up. Whether this is the same forest I come from, I no longer know.
This was a bad idea. I just hope to find something that'll help me know where I am, a sign or the road if possible.
*cling*
...?
I hit something with my foot. There is a ball attached to a small chain on the ground. Oh, no, wait. *cling diring ding* It's a rusty bell, I think. It doesn't have the typical cross-shaped hole or slot, rather it has several holes in a pattern. It looks like it can be opened.
There's nothing inside.
?
There's nothing? But I could have sworn it had rang. I close it again and shake it.
*...*
Nothing.
I'm going to put it in the bag, it's totally a good idea. I'll think about it later, for now I'm moving on.
I've been walking for a while now and throughout this time I had a constant chill on the back of my neck, as if someone had their eyes on me.
*din dirring* I hear a soft tinkling in the distance.
Okay, I'm not alone, awesome, what do I do now? Do I say hi and risk the potential danger finding me? Do I ignore the sound of bells and keep moving? It's very possible that whatever made that sound is watching me right now...
“Hello?” Still nervous, I try to say hello looking around “...” “Is someone there? H-hello?”
“-HEEEEELLO!”
“AAAAAH-!” I cover my mouth with my hands as I turn to look at what the hell has greeted me back. I take a few steps back while I look at the figure of earthy and sunny tones who responded, he seems as surprised as I am, I think (with the scream I made, normal), at least it looks like he's surprised. He wears a two toned wooden mask... it looks like a sun, with a crescent moon on its right... It gives the impression of two faces merged into one... Damn, he is tall, he's almost doubles my size. He appears to have two skin tones dividing him in half, his right side being the lighter and the left darker, especially the arm, which also has a light-colored tattoo of lines representing a sun symbol that covers from the shoulder to the pectoral and to the middle of the bicep. The right arm is covered by a long fingerless glove that reaches to the shoulder and is tied around the chest. He's wearing baggy pants with leaves coming out of the waist and legs, some... cloth boots? with a long toe bending sharply and curving in a geometric swirl with a bell at the tips, a bag hangs from the waistband of his pants and falls below his hips. His chest and neck are tied by ropes decorated with hanging stones, metals and crystals, he wears a pendant that ends in a carved symbol of a crescent moon with rays. Some of the 'sunrays' on his mask have ropes tied between them holding them in place and some metal dangling. Some red ribbons along with bells hang from his wrists.
“um... Helloooooo.” He greets again, this time he lowers his tone of voice. I manage to react, I turn around and walk away. “¡ah- eh- Wait!” Nope, I'm not going to wait and see what he does with me, I'm leaving. “He-! Hey!” Nope. I quicken my pace and try to get lost among the trees, changing direction every time he appears in my vision angle. “Human? Human-! FRIEND. Can I call you friend?!” Nope, nope, nopnop, nop, nop, nope. “Friend! Hey!” God, no, god, god, no, why are you following me? “Look, I know what you're trying to look for...! And believe me, you're not going to find it~!” How are you still following me? Where do you come from? “Hey! Listen! Why don't we do something else besides running in circles!?” Noooooooooo... “There are TONS of other activities we could do! Like... HOLY MOLY, look at this stick! Do you like sticks!?” Leave me aloneee... “You aren't looking at it! Okay, alright, you don't like sticks, erm... what might be of interest to you...” If I don't look at it it doesn't exist. “Could you help me a little here?” I want to leave... “Look, no matter how much you wander around, you won't find the portal-!”
“STOP—! STOP FOLLOWING ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!” The sudden scream startles him again, making him jump in place. He stands completely still looking at me. I'm leaving before he gets angry.
“B-but I- ...okay.” I thought I heard him say before I left him behind.
It seems that this time he's not following me, finally... Although I'm not calm, he could still be following me and simply not be in sight. Anyway, I think I'm coming back? I hope I am. I want to find that portal as soon as possible and go back to the house- what the fu-? “WHY?”
He's there. Right where I left him. Sitting on a rock. Waiting. “...! I haven't moved from the spot!”
“Yeah- but- WHY?”
“Because I knew you were going to come back here!”
“...What?”
“Is what I was trying to tell you! You can't leave! No matter how hard you try to find the portal, it won't appear before you!” The Sunman exclaimed.
“…” I'm just about to turn around. In fact, I'm already turning around.
“N-No, wait! Please don't go!” I stop in my track and look back at him. He gets off the rock he was sitting on but remains squatting, almost at my height, a little below. I move back, keeping my distance. He puts his hands up. “Look, I'm not doing anything! I won't chase you! Just- ...don't go.”
“…”
“L-look, listen, there's no way it's going to show up! Well, not to you at least. But even if you find it back, it won't work! It only works when it wants to work.”
“...” Let's imagine that I trust what he says “Ok... and when does it want to be working?”
“...” “No idea!”
“...”
“...”
I'm about to collapse on the spot. At least he doesn't seem hostile, for now. “...” “Okay... Good... Great...” “...” “FanTAS-tic.”
“...” “You don't seem like it.”
*ಠ_ಠ* I could only look to the side in frustration in response to that. I looked back at him with concern showing on my face and grabbing the strap of my bag with both hands. “And... what... do you plan to do with me?”
He took his hand to the chin of his mask and with the other he held his elbow in a comical thoughtful pose. “MmmmnnDUN know! What do you plan to do?” He asked so nonchalantly. He ended up sitting on the ground crossing his legs. “You have a good while until the portal opens again...!”
“...”
“...”
“...”
He started swaying. The silence has become uncomfortable for a while now, but I can't organize myself on what to say, and I don't know if I trust him. I don't even know if he's human, although something tells me he's not.
“You could wait here.” He suggested, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Or anywhere else, if you want. I would recommend somewhere high like the treetops (for no particular reason)! If you're going to wait... But wouldn't that be really boring?” There was something in his tone of voice... “Being there... at the top of a tree... waiting... alone... with no friends to hang out with (can I call you a friend?). Aaall on your own until the portal opens again.” He looks aside for a moment “...” And back at me again. “With no one to be with you.” He repeats the head motion “...” “alone...” Wow... I wonder what he's implying, ahem. “Wouldn't you want to have someone...? ...Someone...keeping you company?” Yeah, yeah...
“...” I guess... “I-I guess I wouldn't want to be alon-?”
He rises to his knees. “That's what I thought! Do you want me to accompany you? Only if you want! But can I?” He clasped his hands together as if asking a favor.
“um...”
“Can I?Can I?Can I?Can I?Can I?Can I?Can I?” He approaches, dragging his knees on the ground.
I'm starting to miss personal space. “Okay! Okay, alright...”
“REALLY?” He started hopping and jumping around me. “OH, ohoho hO! Great! Oh, there are TONS of things we could do! Like... Like...!” He moves faster, doing bigger and bigger flips and jumps, it almost seems that he is very light, as if the breeze of air lifted him. “We could paint and decorate trees! Or we can also paint on rocks! Or paint leaves! Or paint us! Oh! We can tell stories! I'm very good at making shadows and puppets.” He moves from place to place with each sentence he says. “We can also play something!” It's moving so fast all I can see is the wind and the leaves it stirs up as it moves. “Anything! Whatever you want!” Finally he stopped in front of me half crouched. “What do ya say?! Hmm! Friend!?”
“Don't... call me like that.” Makes me feel awkward.
“Oh...why not-? Oh true, true! How silly, I don't know your name! What do you call yourself, potential friend?”
“...”
“...” “Aren't... you gonna tell me your name?”
I twist the bag strap “Depends...” I must say I'm a little skeptical about this. “Are there any consequences for telling you my name?”
“...Consequences...?”
“Like... I don't know... Mmm-by telling you my name I become your possession and cannot regain my freedom until... certain conditions are met...”
“...”
“...”
“Why- how-? Where did you get that from!?” It did sound a bit stupid when I said it out loud.
“I dunno- that's what they say in old children's stories about elves and fairies!” I just hope the embarrassment isn't showing on my face.
“Really?” I could feel his deadpan expression behind the mask.
I shrugged.
“...” “Okay... Oh, what if I tell you my name first? Will you tell me yours? It's only fair, I'm Sun!”
“...”
“Can I know your name now?” He asked expectantly.
“...How do I know you're not trying to trick me?”
“...” I must be driving him crazy with this “The only thing I can do with your name is treasure it in my memory.” He put his hands together as if he was carefully holding something and brought them to the forehead of the mask. I gave him a distrustful look. It doesn't seem like it made him desist “Please?”
I grip at my worn out bag strap “...” “ Fern...” I ended up murmuring.
“Hmm? Fern? OH, I like it!” “Sounds like FRIEND.” He emphasized the last word by making a gesture like jazz hands, leaning to the side and moving his head closer to me.
“Yeah... I think you are missing a couple of letters.”
He straightened his posture again. “Nope, I don't think so!”
“You're still not my friend.”
“Oooowwwwwnnnnnggghhh” He lowers his head dramatically until it practically touches the ground “nnnnnnngggghh, alright!” And cartwheels to stand up again “So... what will it be?”
“Hm?”
He straightened his posture and puts his arms on his hips “We have plenty of time, ya? What do you wanna to do?”
“I don't know, what do you want to do-?” Bad mistake.
“Come with me!”
“aaAAAAA-!” Before I knew it, he had grabbed my arm and I was being dragged through the woods. We visited several places and he offered me an activity to do in each of them.
Sun took me to a place where the trees were full of colorful paint “We practice painting on the trees here!” He said.
“Ah.” That explains the crossed out lines and the repeated imperfect shapes. By the look of it is also where he tests the quality of the paint.
“Do you want us to paint something!?”
“Not really...”
“Oh, would you prefer it to be on a rock?”
“Nah.”
“...And in star leaves-?”
“I don't want to paint, Sun.”
“Oh... Well, I can show you more places!”
“OkayyEEEEEE-” And I'm being dragged away again.
He brought me to another area of the forest, the ground here seemed more leveled. Not a single tree was straight, all of them were twisted and even seemed to be hollow. “How about playing something!? Like hide and seek-! No, wait, I can’t let you out of my sight.” He mumbled at the end “And chase?! We can climb a tree and see who reaches the top first! We have a place full of vines and it's perfect for swinging- and jumping from one tree to another-!”
“I don't... really want to move a lot…” With the way he runs without getting tired and me, who doesn't exercise... he would let me dead.
“Oh... well, theeen-”
We arrived at a place full of vegetation and humidity. Sun seemed quite excited... “This place is full of insects! We can look for cool bugs!”
“Mmmmmnoooo... I don't want to.” I had to tell him, trying to show as little disinterest as I could.
“You don't like them?” He sounded a little disappointed hearing my reaction.
“No, I do like them, some of them, but I don't like to touch them.” And I'm terrified of them flying into my face.
“Oh, well, it's okay!” He said brushing it off and we moved on to the next stop.
“I know that bird!” He stopped us on the way to point at a robin high up on a branch.
“ah.” I said as I removed leaves from my hair and clothes, and checked that I still had my glasses.
“He's a little rascal!”
“...” I think the bird is making us the equivalent of 'mooning'.
“Look fish-! Oh, they're gone…” The noise must have scared them away “We can go find more places to look at them if you want!”
“...” “...no, pass...”
“…”
“Look at this stick!” Sun had suddenly sprinted past me, picked up something from the ground, and came back just as fast, showing me the stick as if it were a sword.
“oh.” It's a cool stick, must admit it.
“Do you want to look for more sticks!?”
“No...”
“oh...” He looked at the ground in disappointment.
“Why would we go looking for sticks? There are all over the ground.” Specifically, in this area the ground was all sticks. We are literally just stepping on sticks right now. I don't see the ground.
“Variety!” Sun said pointing at the ground with both hands. A branch is heard falling in the distance.
“That's a deer!” He pointed at the deer passing nearby. The deer stopped to look at us.
“Yeah, I see.”
“We call 'em Adoquín!”
“...Why is it called Adoquí-?”
*THUMP!*
“…”
The deer smacked itself against a tree when trying to run away. It stands still for a minute, processing the hit, looks at a side and then the other, then runs off again but this time avoiding the tree.
Another *thump!* is heard in the distance.
“...” Alright.
“Do you wannaaaa look for pine cones? There will be some fallen around here. Oh! We can also look for mushrooms!”
I keep saying no to everything he suggests and it doesn't look like he's going to run out of ideas to pass the time. In fact, he's very insistent that we do something. I guess at some point I'll have to say yes to something. “...” “...okay...”
“Hmm?! Okay? Okay to what?” His exaggerated surprise offends me but I don't blame him.
“To... I don't know, pine cones?”
“...You don't look very convinced.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“OKAY! On the hunt for pine cones then!” I startle a little at the sudden shout. He makes a pose pointing in a direction, as if he were leading an expedition.
He takes me through the forest looking for pine cones. We aren't finding many, especially me who's not paying any interest. He tries encouraging me to put more effort into it but I keep looking at my boots.
We passed near a shingle river. I find a pebble at my feet and bend down to pick it up and take a better look. It's like a bluish gray, it has some reddish lines in the shape of waves, it feels good to the touch.
I hear the soft tinkling of a bell and feel a shadow fall beside me. “You like pebbles?” Sun is crouched next to me with his arms full of pine cones.
“…” I nod.
We go down to the river and spend some time collecting pebbles with curious shapes or small details of colors, lines, spots, etc. He comes over to show me one every time he finds weird shapes.
“…”
*rin* This time he's hunched over resting his hands on his knees. “You look… a little down.”
“…”
“Hey... we can do something else if you're tired of the pebbles.”
“...” I drop the pebbles I was looking at on the ground.
“...” He turns his gaze from me to the sky. It hasn't gotten late enough to be getting dark, but it's been a while between the walks we've taken (dragging me from here to there), looking for pine cones and then pebbles in the river. He looks back at me. “Oh, I know! Can I take you to one last place? A better place than the ones I've shown you!”
“…” I got up from the ground and waited for him to start leading to follow him.
We enter the increasingly thick forest. The trees are taller and bigger, in fact, I start to see platforms and bridges lying between the trees, I even see small shanties in them.
“Wait here!” He takes a run and jumps onto one of the trees with bridges. He takes three steps running up the tree, with a jump he pushes himself off and climbs with agility until he reaches the platform and climbs on it. “Just a moment!” It can't be seen from here but I can faintly hear some squeaks. I have no idea of what he's doin-
*rush*
“........eh?”
A rope.
A rope has fallen. At the level of my head.
“.......”
What?
He said he knew a better place.
No. It can't be this.
“Is it at a good height?! Can you reach it?!” He says...
It can't be.
A better place.
He can't be referring to this.
A better place.
A better place. A better place. A better place. A better place.
“Can you put your foot in?!”
“..........” For some reason what he said throws me off. “WAT-?”
“Can you put your foot in the loop and hold on to the rope so I can pull you up!?”
“..............”
“You can't climb trees, can you?! ...or you can?"
… “...” Oh “....It's...It's too high!”
“Okay!” Squeaks are heard and the rope descends to the ground.
I put my foot into the rope as he told me and hold on to it. “O-okay...!”
“Are you ready!?”
“Yes!”
“Okay!”
He begins to pull up the rope (which doesn't tighten around my foot as it supports my weight) and helps me up to the platform. (That's what it was for, obviously, what else would he want? I'm such an...) “Come on!” He says cheerfully, as always, and takes me over the bridges. “You seem tense... Don't tell me you're afraid of heights!”
“S-something like that... it's nothing.” He tilts his head at that but he says nothing. I have an unpleasant sensation in my throat.
We arrived at a high place with a view of waterfalls, I can't see above the trees. We sat on one of the bridges, resting our arms on the rope that serves as a railing and letting our legs hang off the bridge. I've thought about taking out the sketchbook to draw... but I don't really feel like it right now, so I just quietly observe the landscape. It is a better place, yeah.
I feel watched. I turn to look at him ...Of course he was looking at me. I don't even know whether to say something or keep quiet. ...I decide... not to say anything and look to the front.
“You... aren't very talkative, huh.”
“…”
“Not that it's a bad thing! Many people who have come here weren't very talkative at first either.” More people...
“...” “I have… nothing to talk about.” I don't want to talk.
“...” “Well, I do.”
“…”
“If it's okay with you, of course.” He laughed. Although something tells me that he is going to talk anyway.
“…”
“...” “What brings you to the forest?”
“...” Really? “I got lost.”
“Yeah, I already know!” He says between laughs “But what made you get lost?”
“...” “There was a group of kids I didn't want to get close to and I decided to go into the woods to lose them.” He makes a 'hum' sound and looks at me expectantly waiting for me to continue “And... I ended up getting myself lost...”
“...” “Only that?”
“...” “Well, yeah.” What do you mean 'oNlY tHaT'?
“...Mmm...” He places his hand on the chin of the mask.
“...” “What?”
“Nothing!” “...” “You know? You're the first human to visit the forest in a loooong time. For several cycles now…”
“Cycles?”
“Mhm” He nods.
“...What are cycles?”
Sun points to the sky “The turns that the Moon makes in the sky!” He emphasizes by rotating his arm in the air. It's pointing right at the Moon that's visible in the sky.
“Oh...” He uses the lunar cycles to know what day he's in, makes sense. “...” “So no one has been here in a while.”
“That's what I said! Well no, but yes!”
“A-and so the humans who came are still here? Have they been here all this time?”
“Yeah...! Well, no!” He paused. “They're gone!”
“What do you mean they're-?” He didn't let me finish the question.
“They are gone! They 'left'!” It sounded like he had given this answer many times already.
“What do you mean they left-?”
“They 'left'!”
“...” “...You mean...they disappear-?”
“Nope!” “...” “Something like that!” “…” “Mmmore or less…” He hesitated between one answer and another.
It seemed worthless to ask about the missing people. “...okay.” “Can I ask you-?”
“You can ask me anything!” A hint of nervousness escaped his tone.
“...okay. What is this forest?”
“My home! And the home of many other animals.”
“...” “Alright, and... how many are you...? How many of you live here? I mean. You have taken me everywhere and we haven't seen anyone of your…” I make a pointing gesture, spinning my hand around in the air. He can't be human, it doesn't look like he is. “...” “Honestly, I don't know what you are.”
“...” “There's only me... And someone else!” He looks away, as if trying to hide something.
“Oh... and who's that someone?”
“Oh! N-no, don't worry! He’s… just a friend… But it’s not important that you meet him or anything!” He brushes it off making a gesture with his hand. “Uh-um- How about we talk about you!? huh? What things do you like? Earlier, since you said no to everything, I thought you didn't like ANYTHING!” He continued talking without letting me respond. “I didn't know what to do if I ran out of ideas. I started to worry! But at least you're not one of those who spend all day shouting and threatening with a weapon in hand, ahaha...” He let out a nervous laugh.
“Um-”
“Well, you ran away screaming, yes.” He began to gesticulate widely as he complained “Like everyone-! No, not like everyone, some don't run, but those who, apart from running and screaming, attack you...! I mean...!” Something tells me he wasn't going to shut up and I was already half listening. “First they throw rocks at my head, then they insult me and run away. And I have to run after them because I can't just leave a human running around alone! No! I can't! Not in this forest! Anything could happen to them! But they never let me warn them!” He sounded tired. “And when I get them to stop running away from me, they throw things at me again and yell before demanding me to tell them where are they and how to get out of here, and when I explain it, they yell at me even more and accuse me of lying!” He turns to look at me with his hands pointing to his chest. “What reason would I have to lie?!” I don't know if he hasn't noticed or if he's ignoring the deapan I responded with. “UGH! I don't know what to do with those! But anyhow... I'm so glad we found something to do in the end!
“¿eh?” I snap out of my thoughts. It seems that now he is directing the conversation to me.
“The pebbles!” He sits turning his body towards me, leaving one single leg hanging from the bridge and the other resting on it. He takes out of his pocket some of the pebbles that he had been collecting with me. “I don't know why I assumed you wouldn't want to look for rocks. Maybe because you didn't want to paint them before... You left them back in the river in the end tho, I thought you would keep some.”
“Ah... I don't know. I didn't think I could take them with me.”
“You can keep some of mine!”
“No, it's okay.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“You suuuuure??” He insist.
“Yeees.”
He puts a pebble very close to my face “Suuuuuuuure?” Each 'u' sounding higher than the last.
“...” I push the pebble away from my face “Yeeeees.”
“mmmh... Okay! But I hope you don't regret it later when you don't have a cool rock like these and think 'Oh man, I could have a cool rock right now!'.” After a bad impression of me, he keeps the rocks in his pants. “So... Besides pebbles, what else do you like? Mm? I haven't been able to deduce much from today.”
“Don't know.”
“What do you mean you don't know!? Oh! Is it a secret?” He approaches and starts to whisper, putting his hands to the mask's mouth “I won't tell anyone, promise.”
“No. I don't know.” I looked to the side. “I can't think of anything... so suddenly.”
“ooow...” He slumps a little over the railing, looking sad.
“…” I hesitate whether to say something or not “...Drawing...”
“Mmm?!” He no longer seems sad.
“And listening to music, I guess.” “It's... all I do... most of the time.”
“Really!? Oh! I also like drawing! And music! But is that really all you do all day? Don't you do other kinds of things? Like reading! Or writting. Don't you go out for a walk or play with your friends?” I wrinkle my face at that last bit and he tilts his head in confusion.
“I don't go out.” “I have comics, but I rarely read.”
“Comics?”
“Um... They are stories but instead of narrating what happens there are drawings and only what the characters say is written.”
“...It's a book with drawings?”
“Yeah, but with a lot of drawings on each page, from start to finish.”
“WOAH.” He sounded perplexed. “That's drawing A LOT.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Ahh, I'd love to see what they look like.” He rested his arm on the railing to hold his head in his hand “Too bad I can't…”
“I didn't bring them anyway.”
“Do you normally carry them around?”
“No, it's just that I didn't bring them to the village with me, I left them at home.”
“...” “Oh!” It seems that something has clicked on him. “You are not from the village.”
“No, I'm from a more urban area. My family used to come to the village every year in the summer, but we stopped coming. Now it seems that we are trying to get back into the habit.” I sighed.
“Why did you stop coming?”
“...That's personal.”
“Oh... okay.” He let a minute of awkward silence pass. “Hey, I can bring some books that I have at home! I think you might be interes-!” He looks away from me to the sunset behind us, the sun is almost gone. “-ted...” I look at the sunset too and then at him with confusion. “...” “...oh...oh-OH, Oh-no!” He stands up abruptly causing the bridge to shake slightly. What could have he seen? “We have to move!” He extends a hand to help me up. “We have to start moving!”
I get up in a hurry on my own, ignoring his hand. “O-okay, to where?”
“Come, run!” Once again he grabs me by the arm and leads me over the bridges between the trees until we reach a tree hut. It's small and dark, it looks like a small shelter. He opens the door and enters “You'll spend the night here, stay inside, do not go out, try to hide well and don't open the windows or doors, okay? Here, there are some blankets. I'll come back later.”
“Wait wait wait! What? What do you mean you'll come back later? What's happening? Why do I have to hide-!?”
“Sssh-ssh-sh” He grabs me and covers my hand with his, his left hand resting on the back of my right hand. He begins to speak in a calmer tone, with a voice that I had not heard him use until now. “It's okay, nothing happens. I have to go, I'll come back, but I can't stay now. You hide, try to rest, I'll be back, I promise.”
“...” I take my hand away from his. “Okay.” “I'll stay, but don't take too long.” Please, I don't want to be here alone.
“Yes. I'll be back.” He affirmed one last time. I watch him run away and disappear among the trees and undergrowth. I enter the small shelter to inspect it.
*TAP TAP TAP* *PLOK* *TAP TAP FOOSSSH! *
…? A noise comes from behind me. I turn around and there's a pebble on the floor.
Okay.
I take out my phones flashlight to see better inside the house. There are what appear to be some trunks, small cabinets, and a trapdoor in the floor, It seems that there are corners and blind spots for the windows where the little moonlight that enters through the cracks cannot reach. It's freezing cold and I haven't brought my jacket. I leave the bag on the floor against the wall, I cover myself with the blanket and curl up in a ball in the most hidden corner I can find. I'm tired, I want to sleep, but I can't close my eyes.
It's been a few hours now.
I can't sleep, I simply can't.
It doesn't look like he's coming back.
*creek*
…?
*rin*
*tap tap, creek*
Sun?
“S-...” I pause before saying a word, I have the feeling I shouldn't speak. I remain silent and wait.
*tap, tap, tap, creeeeeek, tap*
*rin dirrin*
If it were Sun he would have already let me know it is him. That or he's playing a prank on me which isn't funny, but I'd better stay silent. From the shadow I look at the windows. I notice movement through the cracks, something has just passed through the wall next to me.
*dirriring dirring*
I cover myself more with the blanket, back against the wall, I stay as still as I can, I leave a gap between the blankets and the floor to see. A red glow sneaks through the cracks in the window and scans the room.
The glow is gone.
*tap, tap, rin, tap, dirring, tap, tap*
It's on the roof.
*tap, tap, tap...*
It moves again.
*rin *
It sounded on the other side of the wall.
“nghehe...”
It laughed. Why did it laugh? Whatever is on the other side of the wall just let out a laugh that made the hairs on the back of my neck and all over my back rise.
Oh no.
Oh no no no no no no no no.
I have to move. I have to get out of here. I can't stay here.
*creeek*
It came from the door. It's trying to get in.
*rin*
The trapdoor.
*rin dirring*
Where was the trapdoor?
*creek creeeek*
I crawl across the floor making the minimum noise, carefully feeling the floor, looking for the edge of the door.
*tap tap ring dirring*
…!
I found it. I open it carefully. It's too high. I'm at a very high altitude, I don't know if I'll be able to go down.
*rin, creeek...*
Fuck it. I slip through the gap quietly, closing it slowly, but that doesn't stop the door from creaking. I cling to the bark of the tree-
I left my bag. If it comes in and see it it'll know for sure that I have been there-
It doesn't matter now. I have to focus on getting down from the tree without killing myself. My fingers hurt and I can't put my foot down properly because of the soles of my boots. I feel like I'm going to slip at any moment. Somehow I make it to the ground. Still attached to the tree, I look up at the house. I don't see it-
A shadow appears from behind the tree. I press myself against the tree and hold my breath. It's looking for something. When he doesn't seem to look I move to a nearby tree, he moves to another tree, I move to the next, and the next, and the next. We continue like this until I start to get further and further away from him. When I think I've lost him I start running. I hide behind a tree to catch my breath.
I slowly peek out from behind the tree.
*rin*
It sounded above me.
I don't look up, I run.
“nnghehee...” He laughs.
He gives me a few seconds advantage before coming after me. The chase begins.
I run forward as much as I can, I hear his footsteps behind me but I don't look back, there's no time for that. I hear him laughing like a madman as he moves from left to right, from one tree to another, crawling on the ground, trying to confuse me, waiting for me to make the slightest mistake to catch me.
“Ah-” I trip. As soon as I fall to the ground I get up, ripping my stockings and scraping my knees, falling again, my nerves not letting me stand up.
“Nnhehehhehe...” Asshole. He has stopped running, he approaches by walking. I try to keep as much distance as my hands and legs allow me to move. I search desperately with my hand for something on the ground to throw. Finally my hand finds something.
I throw a rock at him “AGH!”
The rock passes by him, flying one or two meters away from him. He hasn't even moved, he didn't move a single muscle to avoid it, he just watches me still from where he is. I hear the nearby *pof* of the rock falling to the ground.
“...”
“...”
I get up and run. He grabs my leg and I fall to the ground again. He won't let me get up, every time I try he throws me to the ground. I struggle, I kick, but I don't break free from his grip. He never stops laughing, he is enjoying this. He drags me closer to him, no matter how much I twists, he doesn't let go. “ACKH-!...Hhhh-hh...-hh-h...” He grabs me by the neck, red pupils stared at me, I'm looking straight into his crescent moon mask (or waning, I don't know. Do you think I care right now?). He raises his free hand and his veins begin to glow a platinum color that extends to his fingertips. The hand approaches my face, I don't know what it's going to do to me, I'm scared, I don't want to look. I close my eyes, cover my face with my hands. I wait.
…?
Nothing's happening. It stopped. Why?
“Mun, nïe.” I hear Sun's voice. I open my hands a little to see what's going on. Indeed, it is Sun, several meters away from us... He looks exhausted. The one with the moon mask stares at him for a moment, until he decides to look at me again while bringing his glowing veiny hand closer. “¡Mun!” The Moonman looks at Sun again “Fehreh.” He seems to speak another language, I don't understand what he says.
“...” “Nïe” For the first time I hear him say something else besides laughing. Even though I can't understand him.
“Fïer pehgïer.” Sun responds.
“...” Moonman remains silent again.
“Bïelïe óubseh góuh...” Sun continues.
“Móu txehb móunsuvïe.” The Moon responds.
“Lïe bóu ¿Sóundïe mïesugïeb fehreh nïe txehtehrlïe?”
The air feels tense. Probably because of the hand grabbing my neck.
“¿Zkaóu fuóunbehb txehtóur tkaehnvïe nïe bóueh mehb zkaóu ïesreh rehuh óunsóurrehveh óun leh suóurreh?” Longest sentence I've heard him say so far.
“...” “Fïer óubseh góuh.” “...” “Vóuyehmóu óuntehrdehrmóu vóu óulleh” Sun takes a step forward “Nïe suóunóu fïer zkaóu ehtehkehr ehbu” Another step forward “Nïe sóunóumïeb fïer zkaóu txehtóurlóub... óubsïe” Another step “Óullïeb bïelïe óubsehn... fóurvuvïeb.”
“...” There's no response from the moon man.
“Behkehb tïemïe óub óubïe.”
“...”
The hand that grabbed my neck now grabs my shirt and yanks it. I grab his wrist as he pulls me to my feet and drags me to Sun, making me stumble. He throws me against him. Sun catches me before I fall over.
“Ska óubpkaóurhïe óub óun gehnïe.” The moon says something as he walks past. Sun puts a hand on his shoulder before letting him go, there's a pause between the two. The Moonman disappears into the trees. Wind and leaves are heard passing by.
He's gone. I feel dizzy. I fall down.
A faint light begins to seep through the cracks, illuminating enough to wake me up and make me open my eyes, I look around. I see my bag propped against the wall. I'm at the shelter where Sun left me.
My body aches, I have a hard time keeping my eyes open, it feels like I've been sleeping on the hard floor. No, wait, there are some blankets underneath me... It's still too hard to sleep well, either that or as I said, it shouldn't help me at all that everything hurts. After a while of staring at the ceiling I try to sit up. I emphasize trying. With every slight effort a pained moan escapes me.
“Oof...” Hurts.
*creek, tap tap tap tap*
Those wood creaks bring back bad memories from last night (which by the way, I'm alive, wow, I just realized), I can't help but cringe at every noise, I hear footsteps approaching, I try to move but the stinging pain prevents me from it.
*creek... *
The door opens.
Triangular shapes appear through the door followed by orange earth tones. “…Oh…!” “Early bird!” Thank god it's Sun and not the other one, or something worse “I didn't expect you up this early!” He says laughingly.
“ah?”
“How are you feeling?” He walks in. When he sets foot inside I lean back, towards the wall. “...” I don't really know why I did that. Sun stands at the door showing confusion with his usual head tilt. “...Arrr...re you okay, Fern?”
“...” I became tense suddenly. I really don't know still if I can trust him? He hasn't done anything to me yet but that doesn't mean that I can trust him. I don't know if he plans to do something with me like whatever that other one, the moon one, was going to do last night. “...ehh...hhh...h...” I can't get a word out, I'm afraid to ask.
“Mm?”
“...” I don't know what to say to him. My eyes go somewhere else.
He enters further into the house, ignoring that I keep my distance from him, leaves a bag he was carrying on the floor and begins to open the windows, letting in the little light of the dawn that is just beginning. He kneels on the floor in front of me with the bag. “Are you hungry?” He opens the bag and takes out an apple “Do you like apples?”
“...”
“No?”
“...”
“Um... I also brought berries... (It's what I had on hand coming here) There are... different types, you can choose” He brings the bag closer to me. I move further away. “uhhh...”
“...” I want to leave.
“You don't like them either...?”
“...” I don't want to eat. I want to leave.
“...”
“*snif... *”
“u-um...!”
“...*snif* *sob*...” I started crying out of nowhere.
“Ahhh...! D-do- don't cry! Ah-I-Um- Ca-can go find other things you might like-!”
I felt ashamed for crying and I put my hands to my face trying to wipe away the tears, but they wouldn't stop coming. “*hic, sniff, snif *” I looked away in an attempt to cover my face. I ended up looking at the floor, letting my hair act as a curtain.
“I can go in a moment!” Sun was already getting up.
“...w-want to leave...” I managed to get a murmur out.
“...W-what? Um...”
“...” *hic, hic *
“O-okay, um... If you aren't hungry... -we can do something else- uh- we can go look for rocks like yesterday in the river!”
“...” I don't want to do anything “...want to leave...”
“O-or we can do something else! Ah-bah-b-b-b- W-won't you like to go draw??! Somewhere, some landscape?! Wherever you want! We can draw together! If you prefer we can look for animals instead of landscapes!”
“...leave...want to...go... *hic, snif *”
“¡D-don't n- uh! ¡L-let's... um- let's not- uh!” He no longer knew how to order his words “H-hey, ¿Why don't we go to-?” He extends his hand towards my arm.
“I want to go home...”
He stops before touching me and removes his hand. “...” “...home?” There is a pause. He remains silent and unmoving. He finally speaks “Do you want…?” His tone became more serious.
“...”
“...to... go see the portal?” I look up slightly, I can't see through the tears and the fogged lenses of my glasses.
“...” I nod my head.
We didn't walk far until the red began to become visible. He brought me back to the portal. The same plain of red leaves and stone arch in the center of it all, as yesterday.
Sun has been quiet the entire time.
He advances towards the portal and stands facing it. He turns. “Come.” He extends his hand towards me. “You can pass through.”
“...”
I advance towards the portal. I stop before crossing. If it doesn't take me back home, what do I do? I don't want to stay.
A breeze begins to come out of the portal. The breeze turns to wind, the leaves rise, they pass through us. It's the same thing that happened yesterday when I went to cross. I turn to face Sun. Motionless, he looks back at me, the leaves pause in the air for a second as if time has stopped, the wind changes. From where the wind and leaves came now they come in, they push me towards the portal. I finally cross it.
Am I in the forest I know? I turn to look at Sun who stayed behind in the portal. “...Sun?” He's not there. I look around. He's not here. I've already crossed the portal, he must have left.
I notice a sudden draft pass by me. It's soft, like someone walking past you. I turn towards the forest, I have to start moving, I don't want to be here another minute.
...The air current that I noticed has lifted some leaves, they reach the trees, between them the wind does something strange, it forms a transparent silhouette. It looks like Sun, I can barely see him but I could swear it's him. The wind figure raises its hand and makes a gesture, it wants me to follow it. When I approach it turns around and walks into the forest, leaving a trail of leaves behind it. I follow the trail of the air current. Sometimes it stops to look at me, making sure I'm still following it. The red-leafed trees and the paintings disappear from view the farther we go. We crossed the forest until we arrived at the entrance of the town, near my house. There is no one on the street. If I walked into the house and pretended nothing had happened, officially no one would have noticed my absence.
I'm not one hundred percent sure if the wind figure that guided me is Sun or not, but I should at least thank him for bringing me back.
The air current has dissipated before I turn around. I look around, there's no one.
I enter the house, go up to my room and throw the bag on the floor. I go to the bathroom to wash. …I feel something strange in my hands but I couldn't say what. Doesn't matter. I change my clothes and get into bed, the tiredness of the previous night makes my body succumb immediately and I fall asleep instantly.
“ah...!” I wake up with my lungs begging for air. I need a moment to calm my breathing. I look at the clock without lifting my head from the pillow.
It is 12 midday. I rub my eyes and from my eyes I move to my face. I'm still tired. My body still aches. I stare at the ceiling.
My bag. I reach out to pick it up from the floor, making strange positions so as not to get out of bed.
I open it and search in the pockets. The bell. I put the bell to my ear. “...” I shake it.
*rin, diring diring*
“...”
I open it.
It's empty.
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fumifooms · 4 months
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Chilchuck analysis speedrun: As a hardworking half-foot who grew up poor and discriminated against and had his gullibility taken advantage of multiple times in his early adventuring days, Chilchuck thinks optimism is a dangerous flaw. He’s stressed and strict all the time because his job is noticing details like traps that could get everyone killed before anyone knows it, he takes the lives of everyone to be on his shoulders, and with the way he speaks about it that probably partly reflects how he felt about taking it upon himself to provide for his family too. His life’s always been pretty centered around work and has become even moreso now that his wife left and everyone is independent, and due to past events he’s very iffy with bonding with coworkers. He thinks feelings and job are a disaster mix. Like with his wife or with parties hiring him as sacrifice, being open or having good faith is vulnerability which can get you hurt, so he processes and shows all his stress as anger instead of worry. Doing strict dieting probably isn’t helping the irritability what with hunger, and on top of being a hunger suppressant alcohol might be the main stress reliever he has.
His grey hairs are so earned
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#Chilchuck tims#dungeon meshi#analysis#HAPPY CHILCHUCK DAY#You know what yeah understandable have a good day#Alcohol be a ticket straight to chilling out town I suppose#Spoilers#dungeon meshi manga spoilers#Thinking on if I should split my family masterpost into diff posts for max reach hmm#Anyways I’m def editing in the second page into that post that “I’ve got three people to think of here” sounds sooo much like that’s#How he’d think about it in a family setting as well. He works so hard for them 🥺#I could have put 100 pics on this post to justify everything I mentioned but this is a speedrun for a reason. I’m planning so many#Compilations rn i need a break from rereading lol#He’s just here to do his work!! He just wanna do his work!!!#I’m always rotating him in my brain like rotisserie chicken :( Hopefully this doesn’t sound disjointed or insane to average readers#He’s always on his guard so he has a short fuse and his type of humor & liking for snarky remarks doesn’t help#Also bc he knows nothing lasts he has a very work hard play hard mentality where ‘dying doing something you love. Like drinking’#Is nice in his opinion#This post makes it all sound so dry. Chilchuck is so messy thinking about him is thrilling I swear. This is concise but at what cost…#OH ALSO he has weird self-hate issues where he really values his skills but devalues himself on a personal level.#‘I am a coward. I only care about myself. I cheated on my wife (lying for no reason)’ etc etc#Can’t disappoint people and make them leave you if they already have no expectations and esteem of you 😏💡
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tnnrrdchclt · 2 years
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cryptiduni · 10 months
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“white mourning.”
#‘‘A white mourning. A modern death. Divorce or something similar. All you can do is put more distance between you & him. make him smaller.’’#jean is a very easy character to hate if you know nothing about him. & you know what they say. easy target doesn’t make for a good practice#judit literally compares harry to intellectually disabled man yet you don’t see ppl hating her because she is outwardly nice.#she’s polite yes but she doesn’t care as much as jean cares for harry#he is not perfect. he is mean. but loyal. if he truly didn't care he wouldn't hab come back to martinaise & coulda just reported harry’s as#he put up with du bois’ bullshit for years and built a toxic (totally straight) relationship with him yet always comes back.#he says he will leave you in the village to die but please understand harry isn't exactly a great person. especially pre-bender hdb.#planned a make up joke & put on a wig for hdb even tho he wasn’t the who started the whole fiasco#you can hate him all you want for leaving harry before & during tribunal but how could he have foreseen all this bullshit would have happen#his second leaving is kinda bullshit writing but#jv is dealing with his own demons too. clinical depression. partner almost died. job is shit. case spiraling out control#i do not blame the DE staff either. sometimes shit just happens. not everything needs a grand explanation.#but it definitely coulda been handled better. but i understand. resources were sparse.#i relate to ​jv. as someone with temper issues & attention problems i have to remove myself from the scene or i'll say shit i'd regret late#my man is having the worst week of his life. leave him alone.#kim is great but have u heard of a man who thinks he's old when he is only 30 & luvs horses & his commie boyfriend that he's divorcin' soon#disco elysium#de fanart#jean vicquemare#disco elysium fanart#jean heron vicquemare#jean posting#illustration#de#artists on tumblr#my art#I WANTED TO DRAW THIS FOR MONTHSSS YOU COULDN'T IMAGINE. HE LITERALLY HAUNTED ME IN MY SLEEP!!!#i love him normal amount. very healthy. much feelings#my little maiu maiu
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hella1975 · 8 months
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my mum picking me up this morning: you're not as hungover as i thought you'd be
me, just yacked in an alleyway: yeah haha
#it's 3pm now and i still cant believe that happened that was. an experience#basically my mate's 21st coincided with her sister's 30th so they both had this big joint Event last night#where they literally rented out a farm house and the field nearby and set up a whole campsite and barbeque and everything#it was really random but also really good esp bc ive been friends with this girl since we were super young#and our mums were friends so ive just got. lots of connections to her family and it was nice seeing them all again#but there was fully like 60 people at this thing and i DID drink more than i meant to but i wasn't paralytic which is good#and my hangover ISNT that bad in terms of how bad my hangovers can get#it's just that my mate's dad picked us both up at 9am this morning which was already going to be... rough#and then proceeded to do the bumpiest drive down the country lanes ive ever experienced#i was literally grinding my teeth like i am NOT about to throw up in this man's car please if there is a god do not let me throw up#and i didn't! my mum picked me up from this (thankfully very quiet) road that has this rickety old alley coming off it#and i had the very humbling moment of 'im actually going to be sick aren't i' and had to WAIT FOR AN OLD WOMAN#TO FUCKING MEANDER OUT OF THE ALLEY AND WALK FAR AWAY ENOUGH FOR ME TO AT LEAST HAVE A SHRED OF DIGNITY#and proceeded to throw up. in a public alleyway. at 9:30am on a sunday. so of course i needed to tell you guys about it#im now force feeding myself garlic bread. im going to manchester tomorrow. i have a flight at the crack of dawn on tuesday#what is even going on anymore#also fully did just do nos last night with some 30 year olds. i cannot express how fucking odd a thing that is for me to do#actually no i can express it bc youse know that im funny about drugs so for me to not even be that drunk#and get offered a fucking balloon of all things and be like 'yeah why not!' is.... odd#i know i inhaled wrong though bc it didn't do a thing which honestly im happy about <3#hella goes home
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perilegs · 10 months
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i’m making huge generalizations here but idk i feel so much more comfortable just existing around trans (and some gnc) people than i do with people who are cis (and gender conforming) bc of the way we view our - and other peoples bodies. i hear trans people talk about bodies with so much love and adoration. like sure hating your body is a big thing for most trans people but most of us also learn to accept what we look like. and the acceptance often turns to genuinely liking yourself. especially if you make changes you want to to your body. it’s just. idk i feel like only a trans person could see my body for what it is
#ive seen a lot of trans art recently and its all been so lovingly made and with clear adoration towards bodies that look like yours#idk im not very eloquent and theres a lot more nuance to this entire thing#but like. i personally love my body like yea i have parts im insecure about we all do but also i have been able to choose to do things to m#body that make me happy! and  i dont just mean surgery and hrt bc thats not for anyone but also choosing to do whatever the hell i want to#with my hair and getting piercings and dressing in a way that feels good#i know being able to dress etc the way you want to is a privilege#and im so grateful for it#i can't believe there was a time when i wasnt allowed to cut my hair or wear boy clothes and i had to dress up as a girl#and got constantly reminded of being a failure of femininity etc. and now that i dont talk to my mom anymore im so free#i can exist in my body and i actually feel like my body is mine and not there just for show if that makes sense#like i look in the mirror and go that me!#and also like seeing myself like that has obviously made me appreciate others bodies as well#bc when you have for a long time always payed attention to the positives of a certain thing you start noticing positives more!#just like how idk going for a walk and finding 5 nice things you appreciate or looking#in the mirror and listing things you like about yourself#out loud. even if you feel uncomfortable#it helps#can you believe you're happier when you fall a bit in love with everything around you#there are so many wonderful things on this earth and you have to condition yourself to notice them and its hard work that never stops#but it is so worth it#i have lost the plot of my post#leevi talks#anyways i love how trans people love bodies
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sucrose-soymilk · 7 months
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hadn’t really regressed in a While and i didn’t realize how much i missed/dareisay needed it until i had the free time and ability to do so over the last few days and i have to say. i’m feeling a bit better
#imagine that! the coping mechanism… helps!!! wow#Seven’s Small Thoughts#not tagging this as anything else bc this blog is really just a not-so-secret public diary#and im not really trying to gain any sort of following or participate in the community very much#i just wanna talk to the void abt regression every once in a blue moon y’know#i also feel like i don’t really belong in the community much/am not a Good Example of sfw agere since i’m very n/ s/ f/ w everywhere else#which is a double standard that i don’t hold others to but i feel like others will hold it against me??? and i’m just shy anyways#and not looking to interact. just wanna keep all this stuff tucked away in a side-blog#i also feel like a lot of the community likes to blog while actively regressed and i don’t wanna step in there as someone who isn’t#nothing wrong with it! at all! i just don’t have the capacity to since i go nonverbal when i regress. no thoughts head blissfully empty#anyways this wasn’t supposed to be a vent post let’s change the topic!#anywhooo what else did i come on here to say. oh yeah#i lowkey forgot how much regressing has helped me in the past until i was able to really indulge myself in it again recently#it’s so nice to just be small and hand someone else the reins and forget abt everything other than doing something you enjoy#maybe one day i’ll be at a point in my life where i can fully regress more freely and more often but for now i’ll take what i can get#i’m also excited because i’ve been thinking abt ordering a paci from this one specific seller#and yesterday saw that they’re dropping a new batch of fall/halloween themed ones today!!!#so now i’ve gotta make myself stay awake until 6pm so i can jump on it when they’re available#which is a small struggle considering my nocturnal sleep schedule but i will do it nonetheless#that crescent moon patterned one Will Be Mine#trying to decide between buttercup yellow and schoolbus yellow for the clip#i think i’m more drawn to the vibrancy of the schoolbus yellow honestly#eeeeeee i’m excited i’ve been wanting to treat myself to ordering from this shop for a g e s and im finally gonna do it
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arthur-r · 16 days
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what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets
#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck#the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy#cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it#so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled#i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like#i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is#it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS#and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like#that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts#that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of#the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED??#and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way#i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps#and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all#ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine#i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be#missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine#and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something#unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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cuteniaarts · 18 days
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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running-in-the-dark · 2 months
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a super fun thing that my brain is really good at is hearing a random fact and remembering it forever. but only if it's bad :)
#the reason I'm thinking about that right now: I wish I had never read that having a crease on your earlobe means you're more likely to have#heart disease.#scared me so much that I read a whole paper about it#but it's been years now so I don't remember the details#just that that's a thing apparently#and guess what my brain does with that information? oh yeah of course I have to obsessively look at the ears of everyone now! does that#do anything helpful? nope! just makes me very very anxious :)#it's just like when I was a kid and I got nightmares about scurvy every time I didn't eat a potato for a week.#like. wow I could be so smart and everything if my brain wasn't constantly focused on random bullshit that is completely irrelevant 😭#also this thing specifically: I've always been weirdly fascinated by ears and this made that a million times worse and also very scary.#like ooh that's a nice ear :) oh no death exists and this person is going to die and#yeah it sucks.#specifically choosing not to mention any names in this context because my god this shit is on my mind all the time already I really don't#need to say it where anyone can see#it's embarrassing enough#though anyone who has looked at my blog in the past month already knows who I'm talking about.#like. I really shouldn't allow myself to like anyone over the age of like. idk 45.#it's so unbelievably exhausting.#but annnyway I'm totally normal and fine :)#oh yeah I also have creases on my earlobes lol so that definitely added to the scariness (and THEN my mother randomly mentioned recently#that EVERYONE on her side of the family had/has heart disease. bitch WHAT the fuck. anyway so yeah guess we know what's gonna kill me#haha isn't that fun :) )#ALSO the fact that my memory is very very bad means that I remember absolutely none of the details about shit like this. so it could very#well be completely irrelevant and harmless but i wouldn't remember that part.#and I think even if I found out more it wouldn't help. it's been an obsession for so long. I've never had one go away that I've had for#this long. so. guess I'm just fucked.#personal
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undermostcorgi · 2 months
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the media which consumes your entire soul at age 12 will forever be a part of you. this is an unavoidable consequence of living and you have to accept this fact. no matter how old you get, no matter how long it has been since you last saw its smug face peeking out from the bushes as it follows you, no matter if you think you have outrun it for good and that you're finally finally safe and you hardly even remember it exists anymore and your brain knows a few brief moments of true peace, it WILL catch up to you in your moment of weakness. and listen you don't want to hear this but sometimes this is necessary for your mental health. you will on instinct want to reject it and run away again but sometimes. sometimes you just need to watch that old show or listen to that silly song or read that weird book again as an adult and it will hurt you a little bit in various little ways but it will also heal you a little bit. you can call it nostalgia you can call it connecting with your inner child or whatever you want but just listen to me it WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO AT SOME POINT AND YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THIS (i am forcibly dragged off the stage by security)
#heed my warning boy#it seems i am not well today#recently made the reluctant decision to revisit what was probably my VERY FIRST real hyperfixation#something that i don't necessarily want to mention by name right now because. well#its pretty objectively bad LOL like i dont think i know of ANYONE still posting about it or really proud of having liked it back in the day#i dont think it is as well known to the general public so it wont get me hunted down for sport even if i did name it probably hopefully#but for those who know its. probably not the best thing to be revisiting lmao (even though i think it might still be being made?? wtf)#but i felt i had to because i was about to start my period and was going crazy insane like you do you know how it is#and i randomly remembered a fanfic i loved and then remembered my fav character and how much i loved him#my actual first ever blorbo oh my GOD he was everything to me#so i reluctantly decided to rewatch “just the first few episodes” just to see how much i remembered and also to prove to myself it sucks#but surprise surprise: nostalgia and hormones are making me actually kind of enjoy it#and now i am suffering from fucking Catholic-like Guilt for not hating it which i think is pretty silly lmao#so im kind of posting this in an attempt to convince myself that its like. FINE and cringe is dead and all that#and that sometimes i gotta be nice to my little mentally ill brain and give it the junk food (bad media) it craves#ESPECIALLY when im on my period LMAO#anyway completely unrelated: why the FUCK do i still remember almost every single fucking word to the delicious tomato song SDHJFKSAJF#i hope no one actually reads this far in the tags bc i know that reveal will probably deal psychological damage to some of you LMAO SORRYYY#ok yeah posting this and then immediately going to bed so that the Haters cant reach me LOL SEE YA
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mattodore · 1 year
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unprivated my oc pinterest boards for a day or two if anyone wants to look around and see what's going on
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#river dipping#SPONGEBOB HOLDING HIS HANDS OUT MEME let me just say!!!!! i didn't go through all of the boards yet to finish deleting the super old pins#SO!!!!!!!!!!!!! don't look too far down their boards or if you do take everything at the bottom with a grain of salt#i've had these ocs for like. YEARS. so some of them have old ass pins that [dennis voice] don't represent them anymore#or are just. old and ugly jkndfgknjdkfgnh#i'm very slowly going through and deleting old pins but it's hard bc even if they're ugly or i don't think they fit the character anymore..#they've been in the boards for soooo long that i'm attached jsfnkdhkjn it's a little bit silly but <3 that's oc obsession for u#the ocs who've had their personalities/background reworked this year have cleaner boards so dutchie and sehyuk have rlly nice boards#(plus it's incredibly easy to find pins for them... maybe it's just my following but i'm always seeing violent and religious imagery lmao)#and i completely redid imani's a few months ago so her board is soooooo good now#ALSO! there are pairing boards here too which aren't even a little bit polished jdkhndkjfngk like i don't even pin things myself in them...#so if you're not on mobile they will look VERY messy but what can you do <3#the mattodore board is the only one i update regularly out of the pairing boards bc i'm crazy abt them... hence the 200 pins#................also if you already follow me on pinterest can you tell me if your homepage is flooded by my oc pins now???#i have no clue if that happens or not when i unprivate the board
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piplupod · 4 months
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praying i can avoid losing my mind entirely by the time next thursday rolls around because i will talk to ppl outside this house finally on thursday and. i am . feeling the effects of being isolated. pretty hard. like there is mold growing in my brain i swear to fucking god
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