#it’s a whole disconnect with my body

[lavender-femme]

something something lesbian pride flag hair

🪸men | minors | terfs | do not fucking interact 🪸

#please be nice 🥺 #these are from December when I got to model for a local salon #since a couple of you said you wanted to see the final look #i still haven’t opened the Dropbox with the actual photos #i’m scared to look #it’s a whole disconnect with my body #nobody ever fucking takes pictures of me #so when there are pictures … it’s like i’m seeing what i look like for the first time #and i already feel so detached from my physical body because of chronic pain… body image.. etc. #idk y’all it’s… something i’m working on #a lot of it came undone last year #anyway #please tell me nice things in the tags and replies #i didn’t get to wear my blue power suit… but I felt so powerful with the hair and the makeup done #my hair is totally faded now and i’m trying to figure out what i wanna do now #i’m talking #lavender.jpg #femme #lesbian #femme4butch #femme4stud #femme lesbian

[nooks-cranny-mogai]

Anyway, as an alloaro, greyromantic, aceflux and non-communal Aro: Happy Valentine's day. You are not "Aro/ace/Aroacephobic" for celebrating your love. You are not doing Valentine's Day wrong if your celebrating your platonic love or love for yourself instead of a romantic and/or sexual partner. You're not hurting fellow LGBT people by enjoying your love and celebrating it. Valentine's Day can mean many things for many people.

And for those who will spend today tearing them down, trauma dumping, complaining, calling people aphobes or other insults for celebrating or trying to claim this day is unnecessary and exclusionary.... I hope you heal. I hope you can learn to love yourself.

And when your done healing, I hope you learn that some things just arnt about you and just because they arnt, doesn't make them bad. It sucks to not feel personally included in a wildly celebrated holiday but many people survive st. Patrick's without being Irish, Easter without being Christian and the 4th of July without being American or having American pride. This isn't any different and you don't have to like Valentine's Day, but understand for many gay couples, interracial couples, trans couples, interfaith couples, polycules and so many other people whose love is oppressed and destroyed, this day is a day for them to show their love.

No one likes a Grinch.

#clover speaks #im trying to be so nice but my fellow aroaces act like fucking christians during halloween or when hannakah is mentioned #it all dosent sound as deep as you think it is and its abit lowkey annoying #they try and pull up thanksgiving to natives and i want to scream as an aro native #not even lowkey high key fucking annoying #i understand your struggles but fr? its not even offensive to us it just dosent include us #and my whole community turns into but what about meeee 🥺🥺🥺 #it aint about us and that dosent make it bad or exclusionary #if valentines day makes you hate yourself thats a sekf hate problem not others #get your shit together in therapy aint no body elses problem #just one block of the reasons why im non communal and its so irritating #you sound self centered and hostile and nothing they put forward as reasons to why the holiday is supposedly #problematic are actual reasons other than it hurty their fweelings they arnt incwuded #grow the fuck up yall act like toddlers at a kissing scene like 90% of the time and its so fuckin annoying #not even in a cringe way just in a completely disconnected from reality not seen the sun in 5 years way #its not cute and you make no sense at best and at worst come off so terminally online i cant stand it #anti fuck anti Valentine's day people all my aro homies hate their pretentious victim complex asses #this blog is pro Valentine's day #honestly im making a bigger deal out of it than it is but the thin veil some aros aces and aroaces wear to hide their #boiling hate for allos in their lives and for love and for other aros aces and aroaces who like love is some puritan ass shit #i see you in there :) #ur being fukin weird :) #you look like you said some questionable shit to lesbians in 2018 :) /neg #the type that think a lesbian icon equals terf or all lesbians are aphobes type shit #i remember that era but i aint gettin into it #no thank you 💀 #that was traumatizing #clover vents #clover hates #i will turn this post into a block chain if need be dont test me

[oscill4te]

i feel like no one wants to see animal death (photos) which i understand but i had quite a jumpscare at work today. walked in the freezer to put some things away for the meat department and see a pigs whole head sitting on a gray tray... her body is gone but her head is not butchered, except for her eyes. you can see her teeth..even the hairs on her chin... her snout. but no eyes. ... could not stop staring.

#i took a picture of it. wont post. but im still very...... wow #sometimes we get whole lambs and they are just in a barrel... #as someoje interested in biology it intrigues me but as a vegan disconnected with her omnivore nature it also unnerves me..... #i know meat comes from animals and we are omnivores but seeing the pig in the freezer made me feel ... idk :( #i dont get that with the lamb bodies i see in the freezer. or fish. but the pig... i dont know #i think its the fact that the pigs head was still very discernable as a pig. other than the eyes being butchered out.. #w the lambs we get you see their whole body but not their face... idk #again. i got very close and could not stop staring. i dont know why.. just #my brain just cant process things #it felt like something out of a horror movie. i know people would make fun of me for that #i feel like im gonna get weird dreams about it

[mossy-rot]

why does not eating make your brain like that. i'll spend the whole day thinking shit like no one would miss me if i was dead and then i have a little treat and suddenly i am a person again. why

#also side note had the realization that im like. a whole person #i was stlying my hair to go to work and was just like oh i have a job. i get up and get ready for it no help nothing just going like im rea #i might be a little disconnected from myself and my body in general #this might be a vent idk #lots of feelings and a refusal to let them escape #call me repression baby #i am feeling so shit i have gotten so little actual sleep i just kept getting woken up by shit over and over and over #when will it end #anywawy #mossy's rambles #text post #luci's rambles #mental health

[autisticlee]

having some sort of chronic pain and tiredness issue and joint problems and whatnot but not knowing exactly what the problem is is really good at leading you feeling like you're faking it or making a big deal out of nothing or making it up. especially if there's a good day where it's not as bad and you can walk straight without limping for the first time in a year. but then you can wake up the next day and can barely walk and wonder why you can't just walk normal. it's hard to not guilt trip yourself into dealing with pain by trying to ignore it and force yourself to walk "normal" all the time

#chronic pain #chronic exhaustion #idk what else to tag #another day of why was lee walking normal and barely pain at work yesterday but then today so much pain and exhausted #wish i knew what was exactly the problem. was diagnosed with “generalized hypermobility” but doesnt do much #not a real diagnosis. basically just a thing to tell me “theres nothing wrong. exercise more” but how???? i keep trying but hurt myself #my job is physical labor and therefore exercise. it hurts. is exhausting. no energy to do more. walking is exhausting #have to focus so much energy on not popping hips out of place and twisting knees and ankles and falling. never hurts less #still think about how failed the heds test by 1 point but had several people with heds or who have close friends/family with it who told me #they think i have it and should go het diagnosed or just ask me if i have it because they recognize the symptoms #and every time i tell them the doctor i saw about my joint issues and stuff denied it they get super confused and tell me to try #another doctor. unfortunately i have to go through my designated health system and they dont have multiple doctors of each specialty #and i in general have no clue how to navigate health stuff or how to advocate for myself and have no help or support system at all so 🤷 #anyway. it makes me wonder if i *do* have that or if my floppy bendy joints are just similarly bad and exercise will cure me #and im just bad at it because i have no clue what is right and wrong movement unless someone watches me and corrects me the whole time #and no i wont learn or get better. im so disconnected from this body that i will never learn what feels right and wrong. #still cant even tell when im hungry until i almost pass out!!!!!!! of thirsty!! or even have to pee until its emergency level piss!!!!!! #so no way to tell when hypermobiling joints when exercising or when form is slipping and not correct anymore. #been trying things to get better at that but still hasnt improved at all #what was i talking about......right. dont think ill ever get heds diagnosis since cant pass the test for that. so cant get much support/help #am on my own with youtube tutorials and hoping i dont keep hurting myself wishing exercise will cure me and “good days” become permanent #also why are video tutorials SO HARD TO FOLLOW AND LEARN FROM. im sk bad at it yet everyone tells me its the best and only way to learn but #its SO HARD FOR ME 😭😭😭😭😭 MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED AND UPSET

[luvsavos]

(AA) hey, Mr. Martin, if you’re still doing oc asks, you mind if I ask some more? I literally know nothing (or, if I do, it’s very little) about them, and I figured you’d like to talk about them more too! So…for Lord Naasfilrah, 23? (As a god, I imagine he’s above our morals) and 29 for Shara? (What does a Shara Ishvalada even EAT?…I wonder…🤔)

i WILL get to the rest of my asks either later tonight or sometime tomorrow BUT i am in an oc mood so this one gets a special exception jgjgjv

oc ask meme!

23: Is your character morally gray or black or white?

naas is.... pretty damn morally gray; he definitely isn't as "true evil" as his brother, but he also sure as fuck isn't a saint by any means. he's very much the type that he WILL get done what he wants to by any means, no matter the consequences---though he is acutely aware of his role as destroyer, and he doesn't take nearly as much twisted pride in it as alaakiilah does; destruction as a necessary evil, is the way he sees himself. while he absolutely does not care about mortal life being caught in the crossfire of his actions, he is mindful of the world itself and tries to limit the amount of damage done to it.

29: What would be your character's favorite food?

you have NO idea how excited this specific question makes me because it's actually one of my favourite aspects of shara; hot chocolate! while their natural diet would probably be something more like absorbing energy from the earth itself via their wings (and maybe tail), they've taken a liking to hot chocolate specifically thanks to my friend @wolfoflyngvi 's oc, fenrir, who's one of the few people to genuinely consider shara a friend<3 they can fairly frequently be seen with some when in their mortal form, and they especially like it with marshmallows. they also just like marshmallows in general a lot too, they're especially fascinated by the tiny ones

#mar.txt #answered #aiden anon #oc tag: naasfilrah #oc tag: shara #shara's adoration of hot chocolate is by far one of my favourite things to have ever come out of rp for any of my ocs #in general tbh i'm very emotional over shara just like. as a whole? specifically like. how much humanity they have despite being so far #disconnected from it and not even really fully 'understanding' it #the way they consciously choose to cut their food into smaller bites before eating it in their mortal form. their adoration of hot chocolate #the way they choose to socialize and mingle with mortals despite being so socially awkward (despite being omnipotent so in theory they know #how to Not be socially inept/awkward ，they just are nonetheless) #the way they enjoy listening to mortals talk and enjoy hearing people tell them things even if they already know all of it，what will be said #what they're being told etc etc #the way they feel genuine guilt over certain things (ie everything with shang or blaming themself partway for what happened to naas even if #they know logically/rationally that wasn't their fault) despite being so disconnected from emotions they practically don't have any..... #picking up on mortal body language and mimicking it to try and make mortals feel less offput by them，especially in their mortal form...... #moreover the fact that all of this is like. a conscious Decision on their end. they're Choosing to do all of this. they don't Have To，and #there's a STARK contrast between how they used to be vs the way they are now based on what they've picked up from mortals and the people #they consider their friends #i just adore them so much</3

[luvring]

yes tis i….the feral koyukiki back at it again to slam you with more leander thoughts. leander definitely pulls you by the waist and plops you on his lap, takes a sip of his drink and then slowly brings it to your lips…yum😋

? . ? WHAT. WWHAT. WHAT. WHST. hahaha. that's so funny. that's so funny tumblr user koyukiki that is so so funny of you to say im laughing out loud i am rolling on the floor laughing my ass off tears are streaming down my face because imlaufbing sohajrd fusyepala is the room spinning for everyone else is everyone else struggling to breathe rifhtnow i ca. he says hes making a new drink and you ask to taste and he says sure before doing this OHHHBNGGNFGHH

#my soul hust disconnected from my body for 4 whole seconds #thankyou. thankyouk. i think im dying #🧾nia.answers #<3 koyukiki #nia + touchstarved #nia + leander

[mannequinjoints]

i hate when my brain is going through major front/host changes...

#thinking about how we already feel such a disconnection from willow and her ghosts #when for a good year or so they used to be like. our whole world and the way our body and mind presented itself #and now i dont have access to any of that anymore AGAIN.... #being polyfrag is so....like....frustrating?? sometimes?? #i miss being all our old hosts and the people that surrounded them #they all hold a special place in my heart #and sometimes it feels like we're basically mourning ourselves #i suppose i dont have much of a choice so i just have to wait for whats next #valentine.txt

[lucrezianoin]

i found this in my draft and now I will never know what I was crying about

??? like??? in the dialogue associated with?? is this about being seen as a person? Probably it was.

#it breaks my heart #because I guess it is a bit a mix of being undead #the trauma being treated like a dog (KENNEL??) and the whole ordeal of having no control over his body #he is also like me and he seems to feel a big disconnect between body and mind #like his body is this thing he has #and he is inside of it

[oatbugs]

found a bunch of old voice memos and this is the first time i've listened to my own voice and thought yeah it makes so much sense that people have loved this person . woah

#personal #i was singing a song under another song (saw my wings with the bodies in the gutter). there is someone else and i cant #recognise their voice . i think maybe i was drunk and maybe so were they . i have no idea who they are but their voice is so pretty. #i ask them if theyre ok and they ask if im sure im okay with this. and then they say see you soon and theres the sound of the door. #theres the voice of someone else after this too. they say listening to chase atlantic feels like sex . i have no idea who this person is. #this file is full of strings rising and falling. reverb of a massive space. some symphony inside interrupted by another symphony. #i remember laying on the floor of the orchestra hall to listen and to hide. i remember laying my hand on the floor and thinking i could #recognise this piece just by the way the ground vibrates. #i've been thinking a lot about mereology. sorry for not talking about nihilism the past week - everyone around me has been falling apart. #this month i have watched others be stricken by grief. the other side of the equation. one day i will create a poem about the way holes are #one whole part. the way disconnects are connected to the fabric of absence. (i saw your guts without the skin attached) #i could hear how in love i was when i asked the unknown voice if they would like some water. i blew out the candles and one stayed lit. #you don't need to tell me. forever and ever. strictly fall for academics and people with a passion. asked my mathematician about manifolds #and he asked me about his hair. i will wake up tomorrow if only it is to spend half an hour making tea. the concept of going to my country #is an oncoming train with a minute's delay. i told them i want to be their friend and they told me theyd like to meet up soon #and test how deep they can bite like good friends do. do you feel ashamed of my degree? do you feel ashamed of #your dry lips? skull fast-tracked to the floor. i have a jar of hand-picked dried damask roses for tea. ill tell you about k-theory until #you shut me up.

[diluc33rpm]

1/2 Would you change your appearance if you could?

yeah, honestly, i just think i really need to look like this in life

#wow uh i'll take $500 for loaded questions then #i guess being a shapeshifter would be the ultimate ideal but that's mainly just our circumstance and less specific on how *i* wanna look #i dunno i've always felt pretty disconnected from our physical appearance so while i don't like? mind it? #(and it is hot let's be real) #i don't especially identify with it or think about it often so it's weird for me when people perceive me as it directly #like girl what is a selfie. what's the mirror. oh that's some guy #it feels like a vrchat avatar to me like yeah i'm in that pic i GUESS and it looks cool but it's not anything i feel like i am very much #if i were to have my own looks with no irl consequence it'd be mooore or less how i depict myself in picrews #i.e slightly taller long hair a bimbo but like in a goth way #and if the question applies to Trans Stuff at all then gimme the whole nine yards. thank god for boy sauce existing irl #i don't normally care but whenever i notice it i have deep distaste for existing in a body with an anime schoolgirl build #the suffering from success meme but it's to do with not having a flat ass

[catboyrightsdefender]

humphrey is so trans coded when you think about it

#its the whole disconnected from his body thing to me #feeling forced to live a life you didnt want (before coming out) #etc etc etc #.txt #my babyboy

[selcouth-vast-poet]

me when my vision starts turning dark and imm about to pass out and the weights will fall on me but OVER MY DEADBODY will i ever end a set on an odd number

#ONE MORE ONE MOREi say to myself as my body is about to disconnect the all upper portion of itself just to feel peace again #but i did end this set so YIPPIEEEE #nowi need to eat like. a whole cow #my ramblings

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#*problems occur on a project multiple ppl r working on* my boss @ me: what do u wanna do? #me. disastrously burnt out: i couldnt not even to give a fuck abt all this. i dont care i dont care i dont care #but thats not what i say. i say ok ill talk to the ppl and see how i can drop everything to help. and that probably means driving an hour #away to the other uni which is irrationally terrifying to me to the point where it will probably destroy my whole week a prevent me from #sleeping when i already am struggling to sleep. but its fine. ill get it done and itll be fine. for this stupid fucking project i dont #care abt. ay its so weird. ive never been this angry abt things. i mean its not even really anger its more dispair and frustration but it #manifests as just wanting to scream and throw a fit like a toddler. and i mean its my fault. i dont have to live the way that i do. i mean #i do but in an irrational compulsive way that i cant entirely control. but like its Saturday and i sepent 6 and a half hours taking #measurements and then met with my boss for like an hour and she was showing me cool imagines and talking abt cool new collaborators at her #new school and im just sitting there trying to maintain a smile bc my brain is semi disconnected from my body and im so exhausted #ugh. my brain is so fucked rn. i dont want to drive with even lower functioning thsn usual. and i was gonna meet my friend Tuesday morning #for once. and i might have to drive back and forth multiple days. ans what's my reward if were successful? two fucking weeks of watering #and measurement taking and i might have to stand around other ppl in all that time as well. usually im off spinning in circles by myself #amd looking unapproachable. i dont want to have to b a person around the undergrads #god im so weird. its like from the outside perspective if u were looking thru the window at me u would see me using a hammer and assume im #putting something together and i am but im also hammering nails thru my hand which no one asked me to do #so then why do i have to do it? ugh. thats y its a hard thing to complain abt bc ppl r like oh it sounds like ur compulsive habbits make u #productive and successful and yea sure but they're also destroying my life. im laying on the floor doubled over in pain and ppl r like oh #look how useful u r. who gives a fuck everything feels stretched and distorted like im suffering some sort of selfimposed Devin punishment #whatever. fuck this. tomorrow ill try my hardest to relax. literally i cant remember the last time i stayed in bed until at least 7am. ugh #but i also have some bullshit i have to get done tomorrow so well see #uuuuuugh let me leave this place @ schools send me ur official offers pls i wanna plan out my life for the next 5yrs #unrelated

[lesbian-helen-gansey]

every day i wake up and ask “how can I defy the horrible and restrictive beauty standards placed on women and reclaim my personhood?” And I encourage everyone to do the same.

#deconstructing how we’re taught to see and think about our bodies is very psychologically difficult #and requires pushing back on how you’ve been conditioned to think your whole life #but it is infinitely rewarding #women are taught to feel shame about our bodies #and there’s so much power in refusing to do that #when I was in high school I used to shave my arms because i was so embarrassed about my arm hair #and i know for me that that level of mental focus on an insecurity only led to me being more insecure about it #I felt “better in the moment bc I’d temporarily removed my insecurity #but overall I actually felt less self-assured and less comfortable in my body #these kinds of rituals disconnect us from our bodies and can become dehumanizing and lead to self-objectification #which is bad for mental health #embracing my body hair has made me feel truly at peace with my body #my body hair is sign that my endocrine system is working #my body’s job is to keep me alive #I am not an object #and it’s taken a ton of discomfort and introspection to get to this place #and it’s very much still an ongoing process #anyway that’s my feminist rant for today #take back your body!! #also everyone pls share how you take back your body and refuse to feel shame

[consciouschunkofmoss]

.

#theres always those little details about your childhood that stick to your mind you later on figure out to be a huge deal actually #theres always those lingering feelings from when you were young that haunt your actions and ways of thinking to this very day #but you never question that #because to you its normal #figuring out that many many things that happened in my head are maybe. just maybe not that normal makes me feel insane #and i hate myself for not having the right words to use #but i dont know how longer i can deal with my own bullshit without feeling like both a complete fucking liar and a total stranger #living a whole life with the constant paranoia of being watched #passing through years of school feeling so disconnected you cant bear a single class without any external and constant outlets #otherwise without those outlets not even having control over your own fucking body and what happened to it while you were out #or whatever other term there might be #randomly bursting into tears because your mind by sheer force made you think about things you werent even a slightest bit fond of #spending such long periods of time trying to tell if what you were living was an actual thing or just purely fabricated #dreading the times at which you just had no agency over your own spiraling thoughts when getting even if slightly upset #just completely not knowing if what you were going through was a real thing or just a dream (past memories being even more messy) #the constant pressure and fog wrapped around your brain #all the stress you had to deal with solely for not being able to tell so clearly as the others your age what was really present or not #the constant divagation that made you cry at night for no reason