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kithtaehyung · 11 months

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I'm speechless but in a good way! I knew this piece was going to tear my heart into pieces and it did. . and it did! I thought "it's going to be more heartbreaking than forfeit isn't it. ." oh future wine you couldn't be even more correct. Such an outstanding story..

First off: Jungkook scene

I was legit holding my breath throughout the scene, I knew Jungkook was going to do something that makes me put my phone down and exit the room ( and he did! )

Protective brother and boyfriend? hell yes. I was cheering for bro to beat his ass and yn told him to stop and I was like "you're right.. he holds a strong punch.."

Wow wow so many emotions in this scene alone, yns dialogue truly had me moved and pierced my heart many times. Their feelings matter so so much and I completely understand them.

I won't lie my brain stopped working when yn said they still love Jungkook and when they said "not in a way you want me to" I let out the longest breath ever.. don't scare me Ryen! /lh

God.. someone get me a friend like Dom, please? most realistic girlfriend you need! The way she has both yn and Yoongi's back? Hard to find a friend like her!

Second: The beauty between YN and Yoongi

Wow wow Wow. It felt like a punch in the stomach when Yoongi told them they had to wait for a while, I was literally scared for them both and wondered how long it was going to be ( and I got my answer later on :') )

It was just nights ago that you cradled all his moonlight in your palms.

And now you’ll be farther apart than stars.

Beautiful lines, truly, almost let a few tears fall just from those lines alone!

This is a little personal, and I've wrote about this many times, but I just love the way you write yn. I was never able to relate to other yns in other writings but this one? This one, this is the one for me. How could I cry so much from their dialogue or story alone? I always asked myself that I realize it's because they're the exact replica of me. An overthinking mess, low self-esteem but confident when they needed to be, considerate of others, apologetic, always too scared to reach out or voice their thoughts, you name it. When they describe people as seasons, I understood them completely, people come and go, or they stay.

And you suddenly know Yoongi is summer.

Endless.

RYEN. did you know what you did to me with 2 lines? ALONE? I literally burst out crying and had to pause for a second because I kept smiling like a maniac! Oh I missed these two so much :')

Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi-

Uhm. Uhm hand in marriage? For both, please! You and every reader is invited to me, Yoongis, and yn's wedding I hope you all show up! The smut scene had me in shambles and when yn told Yoongi to do all of those things? Yeah Yoongi I get it, I do.

THE DESK?? THE DESK?? GUYS THE DES-

Happy God Damn Pride Month To Me.

And back to fluffiness and a sprinkle of sadness: THE RELEASE PARTY! THE CHAMPIONSHIP YES!! GOD ( Ryen ) MAKE THESE TWO HAPPY ( oh wine don't forget the ending .. )

THEY GAGGED ME SO BAD OH MAN I MISS THEM

Last but not least: yn and bro

Their sibling dynamic is just, chefs kiss! Them reminiscing on their past and the part about bro dressing up to look more mature to get food? Adorable but also heartbreaking :(

Screw the goddamn parents!

“Cus I feel… Uhh.” He moves his lips around in thought, as if the next sentence takes strategy to arrange. “I feel like we don’t really talk anymore.”

“…Oh."

clenching my fists I totally get how depressing it is when siblings lose that type of connection or become more distant, especially since they were so close and had each other's back!

THE ENDING THE ENDING OH GOD THE ENDING IM SCARED

-🍷

WINEEE omfg this commentary is absolutely stunning! thank you so much for reading and taking the time to write all of this out, i am speechless? but i can't be speechless for long bc we got things to sAY

forfeit broke me emotionally, and so did this one. just in a different way bc things between them have been fleshed out in forfeit<33

I was legit holding my breath throughout the scene, I knew Jungkook was going to do something that makes me put my phone down and exit the room ( and he did! ) Protective brother and boyfriend? hell yes. I was cheering for bro to beat his ass and yn told him to stop and I was like "you're right.. he holds a strong punch.." Wow wow so many emotions in this scene alone, yns dialogue truly had me moved and pierced my heart many times. Their feelings matter so so much and I completely understand them. I won't lie my brain stopped working when yn said they still love Jungkook and when they said "not in a way you want me to" I let out the longest breath ever.. don't scare me Ryen! /lh God.. someone get me a friend like Dom, please? most realistic girlfriend you need! The way she has both yn and Yoongi's back? Hard to find a friend like her!

AHHH the whole beginning took me foreverrrr to finish bc there was a shit ton to juggle and account for! i always need to get into these characters' heads during a scene, while also watching it from a reader perspective. so imagine trying to get through a scene with four people - two of which don't realize they're all part of the same situation dklfjdsjklf it was difficult but we pulled through!

glad the dialogue was good! that's the part that was finished first (which is pretty normal for me) and didn't change much. and DOM BEST DOM BEST!!!!

Second: The beauty between YN and Yoongi Wow wow Wow. It felt like a punch in the stomach when Yoongi told them they had to wait for a while, I was literally scared for them both and wondered how long it was going to be ( and I got my answer later on :') )

it was a HUGE punch to the gut, you're so right :(( especially since we just got through a big talk and don't get time to process!

It was just nights ago that you cradled all his moonlight in your palms. And now you’ll be farther apart than stars. Beautiful lines, truly, almost let a few tears fall just from those lines alone!

these are one of the parts that i was crying through so *thumbs up underwater* This is a little personal, and I've wrote about this many times, but I just love the way you write yn. I was never able to relate to other yns in other writings but this one? This one, this is the one for me. How could I cry so much from their dialogue or story alone? I always asked myself that I realize it's because they're the exact replica of me. An overthinking mess, low self-esteem but confident when they needed to be, considerate of others, apologetic, always too scared to reach out or voice their thoughts, you name it. When they describe people as seasons, I understood them completely, people come and go, or they stay.

oh, babe :( this makes me feel touched but also i wanna give you a huge hug. i have always been set on making this series as relatable as possible, and that literally starts with reader. are some people gonna be the exact opposite in every way? of course! not all of us fit the same mold. but from what i've experienced and seen, there's a lot of reader in a lot of us. and i wanna also tell everyone that resonates with reader that you are strong, you can be just as confident. you can be this fucking cool while still overthink like hell and not be sure of a lot of things. believe in yourself and know when you need to start complimenting yourself instead of bringing that inner child down.

And you suddenly know Yoongi is summer. Endless. RYEN. did you know what you did to me with 2 lines? ALONE? I literally burst out crying and had to pause for a second because I kept smiling like a maniac! Oh I missed these two so much :')

I FUCKING CRIED AS SOON AS THESE LINES CAME OUT AND I WAS IN PUBLIC LMAOOOO no joke i was sitting in a damn tea shop. and had to like. tilt my head up and sit back in order to not completely bust out crying. :')))

My favorite thing about yn and Yoongi? They're each other's safe space. The way you instantly see their moods being brighter when they're together and see how they've seen each other at their most vulnerable moments. I'm just- AH. Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi playing the guitar Yoongi-

GAHHH this is one of my favorite things to portray bc as soon as they got to reunite?? they both laugh. it's the very first thing that happens and honestly i love that so fcking much😭 and him playing the guitar earlier was just too much for me to handle UGHHH

HAPPY GD PRIDE MONTH LMAOOOO the way everyone needs to get in line for reader!!!! move out of the damn way, min!!

And back to fluffiness and a sprinkle of sadness: THE RELEASE PARTY! THE CHAMPIONSHIP YES!! GOD ( Ryen ) MAKE THESE TWO HAPPY ( oh wine don't forget the ending .. ) THEY GAGGED ME SO BAD OH MAN I MISS THEM

so much more to goooooo eheheheh hope you're ready!! i missed them. very very very much. it was so comforting to work on this fr again.

Last but not least: yn and bro Their sibling dynamic is just, chefs kiss! Them reminiscing on their past and the part about bro dressing up to look more mature to get food? Adorable but also heartbreaking :( Screw the goddamn parents!

YES. i love them both and wanna protect them from literally everything ever?? bro really did The Most and i want him to know he's loved!! screw the gd parents!! but that convo was much needed and i'm glad they have each other.

“Cus I feel… Uhh.” He moves his lips around in thought, as if the next sentence takes strategy to arrange. “I feel like we don’t really talk anymore.” “…Oh." clenching my fists I totally get how depressing it is when siblings lose that type of connection or become more distant, especially since they were so close and had each other's back!

i believe in them! and honestly i think bro is just thinking it's much worse than it is (overthinking? could be familiar? lmao) bc he's the one that travels and his protectiveness does cause other things like hiding info. so. he isn't without his flaws and does have his own hurdles to recognize and overcome!

THE ENDING THE ENDING OH GOD THE ENDING IM SCARED

MWAHAHHAHHAHA YOU SHOULD BE OK BYEEEEE

but seriously, thank you for reading, wine! it's always so fun to respond to asks like these :D gave me a bunch to talk about!

#whew y'all have me writing essays i love it #🍷 anon #missed this so much!#asks:3tan #3tan10 #lovely people #*ryenfictalk #mailbox💌#long post

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toiletguy04 · 2 years

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I think people should read this especially in this mainstream fandom where internalized or even blatant homophobia are still somehow relevant. Basically the vid talks a lot about capitalism towards queer people which includes "Queerbaiting" and how it runs in the show to loot on gay ppl.

It's real tho, people have been calling Bylers delusional because we're apparently making Mike gay even though he's "straight" as if an obvious subtext that can be seen throughout the whole series isn't real. I'm not saying it's intentional, probably a little, but I'm sure it's 100% implied since one character (Will) has already been identified gay. We need to see Mike and Will romantically for us to establish Will's lovely admiration for Mike. However, in doing so, we can also see how much they made Mike care so much about Will and the complete contrast of it from the main "straight couple" melvin. You can't even deny it. It's always parallel. The Byler rain fight vs the "I dump your ass" melvin breakup. The "You care but you don't love me anymore?" "Who said I didn't?" Vs the "It's hawkins, it's not the same without you". Like somehow, Mike is always torn between the two. And if all of them were only for Will's own romantic "unrequited" plotline, then I can see it. But the problem is how it affected the main couple. Cause if they're planning on making them the "end game", then the byler bits shouldn't be as special as that, but based on their— god forbid— heart to heart sceneSSS and tender emotional musics, which happened more than once btw (*insert homophobic dog stare*) it's almost as if they're selling Byler to the audience. Like "Here, Will is beautifully in love with Mike and we can see how different Mike is with Will than with El and also did you see how selflessly Will gave up his love for Mike just so he and Eleven can get back together? 🥺". Tell me I'm wrong. I also saw a tiktok once explaining why we loved Will despite his little appearance in the first season. The person said that we were unknowingly drawn to Will because the Duffers established his character from the very start as this honest quiet kid who cannot lie "It's seven, the demogorgon, it got me ", it got us rooting for him. That's the first thought that came in my head during the van scene. Will's selflessness got us bawling our eyes out because he literally helped rebuild Melvin. And even though it's heartbreaking, it gave us more reason to love Will Byers. The question is... for what?

Now, realistically (the most realistic aka society-approved outcome I can think of), Byler won't happen. Since the duffer bros also stated they won't be focusing on their character's lovelife for s5 hence it was all cramped during the last volume. Will's "ripping off the bandaid" (although the script was apparently fake, the possibility of Will really letting go of Mike can still be real), Mike finally saying I Love you. But if they're not planning on making it endgame then it's pure... bullshit? Like what do you mean? You're going to leave us broken over Will's unrequited love? Eleven's indifference during the last episode was because of nothing? Obviously there's something MORE.

If you really think about it, they could've ended the episode with a more clear path on where they're planning to steer their character for the next season. Watch Will looking at them from afar as Mike and El hold hands like THE REST OF THE COUPLES. Because isn't that what they're supposedly trying to show us because of the Van scene and Mike's monologue? Melvin endgame, Will sad gay pining. Shouldn't El and Mike be unbearably sappy comforting each other because they love each other and no matter what happens, Mike would always be with her because he "loves" her and he's scared to lose her especially since he was so close to also losing El back there? But why didn't they? It's so easy to just simply show us that Melvin is happy, Will is happy for them if they won't be focusing on their character's lovelife for the next season? But they didn't?

It was left open-ended, Mike and Will at the end, El ahead of them, flowers decaying, the Hawkins' downfall, the subtext, the implications, you can't blame Bylers if we believe it'll be endgame because that ending was SERVED in front of us. The potential, the possibility, that at this point if all those evidences or subtexts were for nothing then what was that for? "Queerbaiting"? Wasted potential? Shitty writing?

Idk dude but one thing's for sure, we ain't delusional for reading into the subtext, for eating up the possibility of byler endgame. I honestly dk what the duffers are planning about the romantic plotlines of their characters but there's also a possibility they would break everyone up. Specially since Finn also stated something about leaving hawkins and such. But as I see it, I think Melvin would indeed breakup, and Byler won't get together BUT I believe they'll be HEAVILY implied in the last episode (maybe, hopefully). I mean, there are huge confrontations that'll happen specially with Will's lie alshxjshsjd I believe they wouldn't just... leave it there? 🤭 But yeah, idk, the duffer bro somehow still manages to surprise (or sometimes disappoint honestly) me everytime so 😔

Anyways yeah, that was so long, just venting cause I'm tired of people saying we're wrong and weird for making everyone gay as if it's our fault it was implied like, you really think we would be hellbent on proving a character is gay if they're straight just for fun??? 😭 Make it make sense??? Anyways bye, byler canon period.

#byler #mike wheeler i know what you are

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thealexchen · 3 years

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Honestly I think it’s really impressive that this was Erika’s first VA job. She did an amazing job and put a lot of emotion into her dialogue. Especially during the nightmare scene where Alex’s dad walks out. I legitimately got chills from her acting. Also holy crap True Colors introduced you to mxmtoon??? I’ve been listening to her for years and once I heard she was Alex’s singing voice I was immediately hooked on the game. Like I love the series but that just sealed the deal

YEAH OH MY GOD. Thank you for bringing this up because I haven’t even talked about Erika Mori’s performance in detail, but it was all I could think about after finishing the game and she did an absolutely incredible job. Like, incredible is a major understatement. I can’t praise her performance enough.

It just blows my mind that she was a COMPLETE newcomer! She wasn’t even a professional actor when she started and was just taking an adult acting class for fun when the casting director found her, and True Colors made it look like she’d been acting her whole life. They cast a total unknown, a complete newbie to the industry, and she killed it. Just give her her BAFTA already!

In LiS2 there are two moments I can’t listen to again: When Sean screams “FUCK!” after the desert encounter in “Faith” and when Daniel screams “WHY?!” in the Lone Wolf ending.

By comparison, in True Colors, every moment that I can’t listen to again (literally to the point where I will mute the sound if I’m rematching a scene) are Alex’s lines:

When Alex screams for Gabe after Ryan cuts the rope. Erika manages to convey so much desperation and despair: she’s both begging Ryan not to let Gabe go and also realizing that he’s likely already dead, and that she lost someone again.

When Alex cries at her mother’s bedside. There’s a lot of buildup and it looks so realistic. You can see Alex fighting back tears and struggling to speak and even breathe, so she can only nod and look at her dying mother. She wipes her nose with the back of her hand like a little kid and nods fervently, already so determined to keep her promise. And when she finally breaks, her sobs just sound so real. This is her truly grieving for the first time, and the way she clutches the pendant to her chest and curls in on herself is so heartbreaking. She just looks so scared and alone. Erika’s body language conveys just as much as her vocal delivery.

When Alex screams “DAD!” and throws the pendant. Again, the rawness and desperation in her voice and how high it got was so well done. And in the moments before, when Alex is whimpering and stammering “N-no, no, Dad…” and she can barely get the words out, that just sounded like a real, scared little girl.

When Alex simply screams at the foster home and breaks an entire row of windows. It’s full of white-hot, blistering rage and you can absolutely hear the years of pain and hurt behind that scream. Alex is unleashing all the frustration of not feeling wanted, of feeling off and wrong and broken, and it hurts, especially when she falls to her knees afterward and sobs while surrounded by broken glass.

Three out of these four are just in the nightmare sequence. It’s just hugely dramatic moments that hit you one after the other and that’s why it stuck with me so much. Not even the happy ending could fill that numb, empty feeling I had after finishing the game, because I couldn’t stop thinking about the nightmare, but that just shows how powerful Erika’s performance was.

But it’s not just the most dramatic moments. I loved that Erika was able to be so expressive as Alex, in face, voice, and body. Erika really runs the full emotional gamut and everything is so pure in their expression of joy, sadness, fear, rage, love, and everything else. Little things like the way she goes “WHOOO!!!” and does the victory dance when she wins the foosball game, her snort-laugh when Ryan says “Technically, they’re protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act,” everything about the entire USB plan scene (her damn facial expressions had me rolling), the shakiness in her voice when she convinces Ethan the monster can’t see him, and so many more. When Alex has her anxiety attack in the mine after the lamp goes out, the scene is completely dark and it relies entirely on Erika’s performance to convey that terror. Her performance somehow both feels effortless in how consistently amazing she was in every scene and so raw in how taxing it must’ve been to perform all those scenes. She was just amazing. Ah!

Also yes, I really had no idea who mxmtoon was before this game. Probably because I never use Tiktok… everyone I talked to who knew her music said they did because of “Prom Dress.” But I adore her music and I admire even more than she’s a young woman of color carving her own path in the music industry. She’s so open and proud of her Chinese heritage (from the music video for “Unspoken Words” to her wearing a qipao in “Bon Iver”) and bisexuality and it’s brought me a lot of joy and comfort and visibility, but she seems so nice and down-to-earth too!

#throughthiswindow #and this is why it took me forever to answer this lol #answered asks #erika mori #alex chen #mxmtoon #listc #life is strange true colors #lis

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xkanekitoukax · 2 years

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Remain Nameless (4/?)

Title: Remain Nameless (AU) | one | two | three | four Pairing: 240/Touka, Reaper/Touka Word Count: 2,446 Rating: R/NSFW for unhealthy situations, physical abuse, and smut. Warnings: Lots of self harm references/tendencies, physical abuse, and smut. Premise: Set in an AU setting where Touka is actually at CCG and she is given permission to tend to 240. This story is how 240 and Touka deal with the pain they’re both going through. Note: Someone special anonymously requested this fanart because of RM and it’s the most precious thing ever. Check it out. :’)

Hello, it’s me...

It’s been a long time and I’m still not fully back, but I’ve been really harsh on myself for having not finished my fics and I want to try to do that. I feel like the fandom might be dead, but hey, I loved writing and miss it. So, I posted this bit...and I honestly do not know how many more chapters this may be. Thank you to those who are still with me. ( ,_,)

Touka could feel her heart sink as Ken said he remembered everything and then placed the blame on her for him being locked up. This was her worst fear. This is what had plagued her nightmares ever since that night...

“I--I’m sorry,” She let out, her voice small and shaky. She watched as Ken began to slowly push himself up off the bloody floor.

“FUCK!” He shouted out in pain. His body was trying to heal itself, but he had been weakened by lack of food...the lack of real, meaty food. He clawed at the concrete floor as he soaked in the pain surging through him, knowing he had been through worse and that he could make his body accept this pain. To make him stronger. Pain is what had fueled him to push through.

Like a centipede.

He peered over at Touka who had crawled away from him slightly, looking frightened. She was anticipating the worst, even though a part of her felt deep in her heart that he would never hurt her. Right?

“You.” His voice was strained. The memories he had of her flooded his mind in a rush again, causing his head to twitch. They were a mixture of memories and emotions coursing through him violently. There were beautiful memories that made him feel warm, but the painful ones far outweighed the good ones. Especially after...that fucking night. “You...hurt me…” He let out through clenched teeth.

He would never forget and probably never forgive.

Touka swallowed hard. “I know…” Tears were building up in her eyes as she recalled the moment she witnessed Ken’s heart break right in front of her.

[One Year Ago - Touka x Haise x Ken]

“I never meant to hurt you…” Touka truly meant it. She had never intended to cause Ken any pain, if anything she hoped this night would somehow help alleviate it. But she now realized that was never realistic.

“But you did hurt me, Touka.” Ken’s voice was filled with such agony that Touka felt it hit her heart.

It hurt to actually hear the truth. “I know. I’m so sor--”

“Don’t. You picked him.” Ken didn’t let her finish. She wanted to let him know how sorry she was and how she just wanted to fix things, but the tears in his grey eyes let her know it was too late. It was too late for them. That’s when Touka saw his heart completely shatter in that moment. “So, stop fucking with my head. Just…please, stop.” Touka watched as Ken stormed out of her flat and she stood there as wave after wave of self-hate crashed over her.

What have I done?

Touka felt gentle hands curl over her shoulders and then soft lips against the base of her neck. Haise had come up behind her to try and distract her from the situation, but even he couldn’t make this any better.

“He hates me now.” There was sadness in her tone.

Haise sighed against her skin. “He’s being dramatic.”

Touka pulled away from him, burying her face into her hands as Ken’s heartbreak continued to haunt her. She would never forget the look on his face...

“We should have never pushed him to do this.” She had let her selfish wants and needs cloud her judgement. “God, what the fuck is wrong with me…” She thought out loud.

“Hey, deep down he wanted this.” Haise pulled her to him and placed a hand on her cheek as his other arm wrapped around her, locking her in place so she wouldn’t try to pull away from him. He wanted to be her sole focus.

“We’re cruel.” Touka glanced up at him. She was limp in his embrace, making no attempt to return his affection. This was not the right time for that. She wanted Haise to see how wrong...how fucked up things were now. “I knew he loved me and you exploited that, Haise. I’m just as bad as you when it comes to tormenting him.” And that stung Haise. He pulled his hand away from her and let her go.

“Do you want him, Touka? Because the door is right there. All you have to do is walk out and chase him down. But it’s always going to be a chase with him and you know that.” Haise’s tone was harsh, but he wasn’t wrong. He didn’t give Touka much of a chance to think as he claimed her, taking her face in his hands and kissing her. It was sweet and loving, it was exactly what made Touka’s knees weak. “I’m giving you everything he wouldn’t give you.” He murmured against her lips.

Everything he wouldn’t give me…

That was a lie. Because no matter how much Touka had wished for Haise to be Ken, he wasn’t. There was no substitute. It had been Ken that Touka had wanted, but it was Haise who made the first move and kept her hooked. It was better to have a Kaneki than not at all.

She was so weak...

“What’s my name?” The question snapped Touka out of her trance. She found raging eyes staring at her, demanding without words for an answer.

His name...

She couldn’t bring herself to say his name anymore when she had wanted to since she started visiting him. “I—I...” She had gone blank.

“WHAT’S MY NAME?!” He shouted, his voice rattling her and making her senses come back to her.

“Kaneki. Ken Kaneki.” She whispered.

Ken shut his eyes, letting his name sink in. He held his head in his hands and then fisted his white, bloodied hair. His face contorted in pain, the relentless rush of memories hitting him, filling his already fragile, if not broken, mind.

This is everything Touka didn’t want to happen. She wanted him to remember, but not everything, not the pain that had caused him to end up here.

“You knew my name this whole time…” Ken let out, hurt by Touka once again.

“Ken…”

If he only knew...

“Don’t.” He didn’t want to hear her excuses or explanations. But despite the pain he felt from Touka’s actions, it was his own, the very memories he chose to forget, that crippled him. He blamed Touka, making her the reason why he was stuck in this hellhole, but he knew it was his own choices that led him here.

And Haise.

“I killed people. I killed people...ghouls…” Tears streamed down Ken’s face as the images of the carnage he caused plagued his mind. He could no longer ignore it. He had become the one thing that he always thought his brother was. He had become a monster. -

[One Year Ago - Haise x Touka]

Ken had gone rogue. No one, not even Haise, had heard or seen him since that night he left Touka’s flat. The night when Ken’s life was shattered, Touka thought. The guilt she carried had a profound impact on her, often causing her to take a moment for herself to cry, hiding it from Yomo, Haise, and everyone else she encountered.

She missed Ken so much and all she wanted was for him to come back. Even if he hated her, she just wanted him back.

Haise used his Quinx squad to investigate and try to find his brother. The CCG had already branded him a traitor after their investigation led to the discovery of Ken’s secret eating habits and officially labeled him as a ‘ghoul’. A dangerous one at that.

After a few weeks Haise’s own investigation came to fruition. He had found a lead and it was not what he had expected.

“Where is he?” Touka asks as soon as Haise comes through the door. He had called her earlier to let her know he had some news about Ken, knowing that she wanted whatever update he could give her. But part of him wanted to keep this to himself. That’s how selfish he had become.

He was also jealous. Even with Ken gone, Haise knew Touka would never fully be his. She would always love him…

Haise sighs when Touka doesn’t even greet him, only wanting the news. “Apparently, he’s joined the Aogiri Tree.” He answers her. He catches her expression, she’s only blinking.

“What?” Touka, after a good moment, finally speaks, with a completely perplexed look on her face..

Haise remained stoic as he walked past Touka and into the kitchen and opened the fridge to find something to eat.

“Haise!?” Touka shouts, getting him to turn back around as he slams the refrigerator door.

“What, Touka?” He lets out through clenched teeth.

“You come in here and tell me Ken, your brother, has joined Aogiri and all you can do is look for something to eat?!” She looks completely appalled.

“What else do you want me to tell you, huh? He’s in Aogiri. That’s all I know, Touka.” And that was the truth. There were only blurred photos of Ken with other ghouls, namely Yamori, one of the CCG’s most wanted. That’s all Haise had. Nothing else.

Touka rubs her forehead, not believing she was having to explain something like this to Haise. “I would think you’d be out there trying to save him. He’ll die if we just do nothing.”

“I don’t think he will.” Haise crosses his arms and leans against the kitchen counter, appearing too relaxed for Touka’s comfort.

“What?” What was happening here?

“I don’t think Ken would die there.” He replies calmly.

This couldn’t be happening. “Haise, are you really going to just leave him there?”

“Isn’t your brother in Aogiri?” Haise reminded her of a fact that she had apparently pushed out of her mind. “If I make the attempt to send in the CCG just to save Ken, your brother would be brought down with him and either locked up or killed. Do you want that?” Touka’s silence was deafening. She had been in denial about her brother, Ayato, being in Aogiri and Hinami…

These were facts that Touka herself had done what she could to distract herself from accepting. Hinami, for the longest time, followed her around, looked up to her like a big sister just like Ayato had once done. But a visit from Ayato, after believing she would never see her brother again, filled her with false hopes that he wanted to reunite with her and stay close to her.

“Ken is going to be fine. I know he will be.” Haise gently takes Touka’s face in his hands and showers her in feathery kisses. Tears well up in Touka’s eyes as she’s held, once again numb to Haise’s affection but feeling everything else.

No, he won’t be.

[Ten months ago - Haise x Touka]

Haise leaned against the wall of the bathroom wall. He had just finished putting on his suit for work when the lightheadedness suddenly struck him, causing him to stumble. He fell forward, having to hold onto the bathroom counter to keep himself from falling over. Haise glanced up to look at himself in the mirror, but he found his reflection distorted from the blurriness clouding his eyes.

He could feel his heart give off palpitations that made it difficult for him to breathe. He reached up with a hand to clutch his chest, as if he was trying to in some way stop his heart from going crazy. He knew better though. There was nothing he could do. He knew it needed to run its course.

And just like that, as quickly as it hit him, it faded. The dizziness, blurriness and heart issues went away.

That was one of his worst episodes and he had to be honest, it scared him. His episodes were rare, but they had been getting worse each time. He had expected it to intensify, but it still didn’t make it any easier to deal with.

Then the black tears came. Haise watched as black droplets fell from his eyes. A mixture of blood and whatever was happening to him. Another bad sign.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

I fucked up. I fucked everything up.

“Haise?” Touka knocked on the bathroom door. Haise immediately wiped away the black tears and stared at the mirror, trying to get himself back under control. This was something only he knew about and he wanted to keep it that way.

“Yeah?” He answered as he opened the door, but he avoided looking at Touka.

“Do you have time to talk?” She asked him, chewing on her bottom lip nervously.

Haise looked down at his watch. He was due for a meeting in an hour, a meeting regarding Ken, but he did let Touka in on it. What was the point of telling her? He sat down on the edge of their bed and let his eyes find hers. She seemed so worried - scared.

“What’s wrong?” He asks her, genuinely concerned about what had gotten her like this.

As Haise watched Touka contemplate her next words, somehow in that moment, he figured it out. He knew what she was going to tell him, but even being prepared to hear her confession, it was still going to break his heart.

Touka appeared to struggle with herself, trying to find the words to make sense of the news she had for Haise, and Ken, if he was here, but there was no easy way of putting it, except to just say it.

Spit it out, Kirishima, she told herself.

She feels herself drown in Haise’s worried grey eyes, somehow feeling Ken was in them as well and that put her a little more at ease...

“I’m pregnant.” She let out in a rush. Haise’s gaze fell away from her. It was what he had suspected. “I did the math...and I think it happened that night...with you and Ken.”

Haise had heard her. Pregnant. He heard that word and his mind was trying to process it, but what added to the surreality of it was Touka mentioning that night. Was that even possible? Haise tried to recall that night, a night that he had tried to forget. Ken.

“I, uh, I have to go.” Haise stood, walking past Touka.

Touka sighs, “Haise…”

“We’ll talk about it later, okay?” He looked over his shoulder to glance at her, but he still avoided her eyes. Touka stood there like she didn’t know what to do. Of all the things she expected, she didn’t expect Haise to just leave like that. Any other time she would run up to him and demand his attention, but she didn’t now. It wasn’t Haise she wanted here with her…

#tokyo ghoul #touka kirishima #ken kaneki #touken #touken fic #kanetou #remain nameless #my fic #touken fanfic #kaneki x touka

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souryogurt64 · 2 years

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Thank you for answering that question about swmrs! Wow, that is... Much worse than I thought. And god it just makes me so sad that someone like that was born from Billie and 80, people I still honestly adore. It’s tough to wrestle with, because I think they probably both think Joey is innocent. Maybe Billie doesn’t. But the weird happy birthday post on Instagram that 80 posted talking about how proud she was of his “silence” was... Massively disappointing. But- and I hope this doesn’t come off as misogynistic, I’m more so talking about internalized misogyny- I do think that band girlfriends/wives have to come with a bit of... Being delusional? Or at least mentally separated from our reality. Like, of course band women would think Lydia is out to get poor, sweet, innocent Joey. They’ve seen rabid fan girls who would hit them with a truck to get to the band guy they’re seeing. I’m probably not explaining it well, but it’s a completely different reality from ours. And I get the people saying Billie doesn’t owe an explanation AND the people who say he does. Because he’s cool but also he’s not responsible for his adult son’s mistakes? And obviously it’s not realistic to just drop your own son after something like that happens? It’s all just very heartbreaking but, unfortunately, when you look closely, not surprising at all. I hope his other kid is less shitty. Heavy sigh!

no problem! you dont really have to respond to this, its more just venting/to read if youre curious.

yeah she is pretty obviously on joeys side and doesnt like lydia. the band actually emailed me a few days before joeys birthday. when adrienne posted that it became obvious it was part of an attempted comeback for birthday boy joey and i felt so used.

i suspect billie does not feel 100% the same as adrienne, but it was “in the past” and joey “settled down” immediately. i heard a lot of rumors about their family even before everything and it seems he and joey have always had a volatile relationship and adie has wanted everyone to get along. i think unfortunately a lot of older band men think its not a big deal to treat girls like shit as long as you eventually become a father.

i think that in order to be a part of that world a lot of women in rock take on a “cool girl” mentality and often since the band dudes are unstable and addicts so are the ladies. also, they are often exclusively a wife/mother, which often means taking on a role of unconditional love and support.

i never expected billie to acknowledge it because billie is so famous and its his son, though i was temporarily mad about it. i was disappointed by the pandemic wedding and the beach house gift rumors etc. i get not disowning your child but it seemed like a reward. i think billie thinks he is helping joey straighten out and become a “family man” and thus a good person, in his mind. i cant imagine marrying a man under those circumstances. in the photo of joeys wedding that leaked no one is smiling. its all just sad.

im so verbose because its something i think about every day and something that forever changed my outlook on the world. a lot of people can get really angry and irrational about it so its nice to talk to someone with a level headed perspective.

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blush-and-books · 3 years

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i’m sorry, but i fell in love tonight

short fic based off of this gifset by @juliesmolinas and the song is there somewhere by halsey. in fact it is mandatory that you listen to the song/read the lyrics/both before/during reading this. yes i said mandatory.

angst with a sappy ending, julie goes through a lifetime of emotions in less than 3k, was originally gonna write when i was in a more emotionally raw state but writing this made me emotionally raw so... enjoy <3

warnings: swearing

Julie made the promise at some point -- she just doesn’t know exactly when.

It may have been when he appeared at her school, all shy smiles and soft glances, professing that she made him a better writer. Or, more definitively, it could have been when she forlornly pulled him into her arms a moment before she was positive that she was to lose him forever.

All that she knew was her time with Luke was fleeting. So she swore that her butterfly-wing crush was not allowed to fill her chest or dizzy her thoughts; that his lyrics would mean nothing more next to hers than words on a page and his touches would bring her little to no comfort.

Luke Patterson could not complete her.

The universe wouldn’t allow it -- and neither would Julie Molina.

But -- either Luke was blissfully unaware of their impending doom or he genuinely didn’t care -- he forced himself through every barrier she attempted to erect. And it was driving her nearly insane, because she made a promise to protect herself.

Maybe she wasn’t strong enough to do it. Or maybe the universe, despite refusing to give Julie Luke in his entirety, did not want her to be protected.

It was all in the little things-

When she stayed up with him in the garage, playing him all of the songs he’s missed in 25 years, and he danced around on the slippery floor in his socks and grinned at her with wide green eyes. The neon emerald in the dim light was reminiscent of driving on the highway and passing sign after sign leading to the exits she could have taken, but couldn’t bring herself to.

How New Years Eve arrived and the Molina family gathered in the driveway to light sparklers; Luke’s hand brushing hers as he passed off one of the two in his hands.

In his head lulling onto her shoulder while she was trying to finish some homework with his help on the torn couch and his lips moving against her bare skin as he mumbled that she needed to take a break before driving herself insane; followed by her braiding her hair to get it out of her face.

She already had driven herself insane -- but not over her homework.

(His mouth on her shoulder was the answer to a prayer she never dared to murmur aloud.)

Luke never failed to be present when he was needed. If she was sick or stressed or depressed, he knew when to fuse to her side and when to offer some space. Through careful observation rather than conversation, he knew which of her many sweatshirts were reserved for illness or emotional support.

In most of those situations, she needed him, too. Her fingernails would curl into his biceps through a cramp or wave of tears and he would wrap her in his embrace and swarm her with warm words that dried her eyes.

She hated it.

When they wrote music, it felt as though they were already reading each other's minds before either of them had spoken a word about their plans. Their journals contained inky black waterfalls spilled from an intimacy that Julie did not want to dissect.

Again, she hated it. She loved it more than anything and hated that she loved it all -- because it could never be real.

She would always play second fiddle to death.

Julie made the promise to herself to not let Luke complete her because, while she had him for now, the night of the Orpheum was a reminder that the universe would not hesitate to snap it’s fingers and eliminate him from existence.

The universe, being the confusing, stubborn bitch it is, just didn’t get the memo on that promise.

Because Luke filled every crack and restored every gap in her being, and he shouldn’t.

The hopeless, pining romantic in her that constantly argued with her realist side said they were meant to meet. Even if it was brief and heartbreaking and had the power to hurt her in a way she didn’t understand, it had to happen. If it wasn’t supposed to happen, then how and why did he cross space and time only to fall at her feet?

(Soulmates, a taunting voice whispered. Soulmates.)

((The voice was locked in a closet as punishment.))

She didn’t want to entertain the word. It had too much of a forlorn, wistfully romantic sound to it that Julie didn’t need to associate with Luke when she spent most moments with him at this point convincing herself that she wasn’t in love.

Until tonight.

It is past midnight, which is when anyone’s mental state starts to alter. Things that would be labelled as bad ideas in the daylight could very possibly become fair game when shrouded in a darkness that made everything private. The two of them, Luke and Julie, Julie and Luke, are nestled together on the piano bench as her fingers tiredly press each cut of ivory in a working melody.

“I have an idea,” Luke says, gently shifting his left hand to cover hers on the keys. “Why don’t we press pause on this song for a minute?”

Then, she finally looks up at him. Her eyes probably have crescents like the dark side of the moon crossing her skin, and her hair is all over the place, but he’s staring at her in one of the rare ways that she hates.

She hates it because the look convinces her that she completes him.

This time, however, there’s a hope. A hope, and a hesitance, and she’s simultaneously extremely nervous and beyond curious as to what his plans are.

“Did- Didn’t you want to finish this tonight?”

Regret strikes across his face, but he recovers. The softness is back. “Yeah, I just think we need a change of pace.” Right hand on the back of his neck: A telltale sign of a confession of some kind. She’s seen it more times than is healthy. “There was another song I wanted to show you, actually.”

“Oh.” She blinks, he waits. “Yeah, uh, I mean, yeah. Show me. What do you have so far?” He clears his throat as he thrums through the pages to find his target. “The whole thing.”

Julie doesn’t have time to react -- although she’s already in a panic -- before the leather-bound book is being awkwardly shoved into her hands, and the first thing she sees at the top is Luke’s nearly illegible scribble of Dark Room (song for Julie).

“Luke-”

“Just read it.” His voice is significantly raspier than it was a minute ago. “Please.”

She can’t. If he feels the same way and the confession is undeniably in front of her, then what is she supposed to do? Would she rather break Luke’s heart now to save them both down the line, or delay the misery a little longer?

It’s not that she doesn’t want it -- she does. But she doesn’t know if she’s emotionally equipped for any of the options that are offered to her. The destination of any path she chooses leads to a world of heartache.

So, she does the only thing she can think in the moment: She reads the song.

Instantly, the lyrics are blurred from the tears in her eyes because she sees the words “love” and “together” and her greatest fears and grandest wishes are coming true. The sonnet proclaims that she’s his light that illuminated his once-dark forever, and that he was hers when they didn’t even know each other, and that he will be hers wherever he ends up next.

He just wanted her to know that he would have waited another lifetime in the blank, limitless limbo he was in for 25 years if he knew she would be there when he was set free.

And, in the moment, Julie allows herself to acknowledge that her promise is broken.

She’s fallen in love.

And, apparently, he has too.

(Maybe they can claim just one night. The universe owes them that much, doesn’t it?)

“Julie?” God, he sounds so worried. A shaking finger trails up her jaw to catch falling tears, and his contact makes her gasp. He pulls away and shoves his hands together to fidget in his lap. “Julie, are you- Fuck, I’m sorry, I just fucked this up, didn’t I? I fucked it all up. Fuck, I-”

When she chances a look up at him for the first time in the couple of minutes that she’s been staring, hopelessly, at the song in her lap -- he’s got his face covered by his hands pressing roughly into his eyes, and he’s turned to face the piano instead of her.

He takes a deep breath, and it sounds…

Stuffy.

Three more tears leak from Julie’s eyes. More build up every minute as her right hand runs along his shoulder, “Luke…”

“No, Julie, please just drop it.”

“Luke.”

“I clearly misread a lot of stuff, and I’m tired, so maybe you can just go to bed and forget-”

Her hand wraps tightly around his upper arm like it’s done so many times when she has been in distress. “Luke.”

There’s a crack in her voice from sheer desperation. She needs him to look at her, so that she can wipe his tears and smile through the sobs and tell him he didn’t misread a single thing. She would wait a lifetime for him to come out of the dark room, she loves him too, and she’s going to forget all about it.

And ask him to do the same.

At least the scratch of his name catches his attention long enough, because he angles back towards her, and swallows thickly before meeting her eyes. Salty teardrops linger against his eyelids and eyelashes; the red rimming illuminating the oceanic green to look like a gemstone. Her grip relaxes.

“Yeah, Julie?”

She attempts a smile. “The song is beautiful, Luke. I love it.”

I love you.

“That’s it? It’s beautiful, and you love it, but you don’t… I’m not in your dreambox, huh?”

He clearly hasn’t dug through it in awhile. He’s everywhere. Discarded guitar picks and notes he’s left in her school journals and plenty, plenty of songs.

It’s funny, because she told him her dreambox was for things that didn’t make her sad. Luke was a double-edged sword -- making her happy every day in a new way, and making her cry into her pillow at night.

How does she explain this? There’s a whirlwind of responses running through her brain and she can barely coherently comprehend any of them.

“No,” she finds herself sighing as she raises her hand to his cheek, followed by her other hand so that he can’t try and turn away. “No, Luke, no… You’re wrong.”

“What do you mean ‘I’m wrong?’”

Her bottom lip starts to shake. “You think I don’t love you back.” Both of them feel their breath catch at her use of the word out loud. It feels like a secret that shouldn’t be repeated. “And you’re wrong.”

“... I’m wrong.”

“Of course you’re wrong! You really think I don’t love you back?”

“Why are you crying if you love me?”

“Because we can’t do this!”

He scoffs, and Julie’s heart is racing in her chest as he pushes himself off of the piano bench and her hands fall from his face. What has she done?

“That’s bull, Julie.” His fingertips tug at his hair. “You don’t need to make a big dramatic show to convince me it’s wrong just to let me down easy. You aren’t going to talk me out of this.” Dead-on, he stops pacing back and forth, and looks her in the eye. “I love you.”

Listening to him say it, the way his mouth moves and his voice ticks with conviction at each syllable, is what makes her break.

“And I love you too.”

He reels back. He probably wasn’t expecting her voice to raise from their odd, in-between whisper and normal volume.

“But don’t you get it? Luke, we aren't in some magical place where we can meet each other in the middle. A place like that doesn’t exist. You’re dead, and I’m alive, and any future here ends with both of us losing each other.”

“Julie-”

“You said you would wait another lifetime, right?” Using his own lyrics against him. She watches his hands twitch before nodding; the movements of his head barely visible. “Then wait. Another lifetime, another two -- the fucking universe clearly didn’t want us to have this one, so we’re stuck waiting for the next one.”

Even through his clear and fighting need to argue, to talk with her about this, he stiffly nods his head. It’s obvious that she has thought way too much about this from the way she’s barely choking out each word before crumbling into tears before his eyes -- but then again, he’s thought about it too.

Callused hands are running along her neck to tilt her face up out of the blue. She was too busy crying to notice that he had crossed the distance between them to stand right in front of her and assure that she was meeting his eyes.

“Luke-”

“No, Julie, it’s my turn. Please.”

She won’t argue with him. So, with a tender swipe of his thumbs under her eyes, he proceeds.

“Look, I get it. You think I don’t get it? I fucking hate being dead, for so many reasons, Julie. But if I never died, I never would have met you.” Her lips part, and maybe he thinks she’s going to protest because he smoothly lifts a finger in front of her lips that barely makes contact.

(Julie almost presses her lips into it.)

“And you’re right. I wish there was somewhere that we could meet in the middle, but we don’t have that. I wish so many things, Julie. But none of them involve a life where I don’t have you.”

She whimpers, because listening to the man that normally chains his emotions in a cage bare his soul to her at nearly one in the morning is a seriously more out-of-body experience than she expected. She knew, deep down, that she loved him. But she never allowed herself to feel the all-encompassing warmth that she feels now.

“But hey, Julie, look at me,” he coaxes her with a tone that drips with affection. The pads of his fingers are nearly kneading into the back of her neck. “Like you said: The universe didn’t want to give us this lifetime. They couldn’t let us have all the fun, right?” Both of them let out a watery chuckle. “But they still brought me to you, didn’t they? They let me know you in this lifetime, even if we couldn’t have forever. I said I would be yours wherever I am. So even if this,” he gestures to his ghostly form, “isn’t forever, even if we don’t have this lifetime… You know I’ll love you forever, right?”

It was a monologue straight from one of her dreams that left her waking up with a manic smile and tears running down her face.

Unable to form any other response besides an unaware nod, Julie waits for him to continue.

“And maybe, the universe will give us the next lifetime, or a whole new universe, or… Just somewhere where we can get forever.”

Abruptly, his hands slide from her neck and grasp her hands like he needs to hold on firmly enough to believe that she’s still real in front of him. Julie is still speechless and teary, and in the most sentimental gesture, Luke kisses the back of both of her hands.

“We’ll get forever, Julie.” His warm breath puffs against her skin. “I promise you.”

And, well, if he promises forever in the next life -- then why can’t she take what she can get in this one?

tags: @bluefirewrites @willexx @unsaid-emily @lydias--stiles @moreflowersthanweeds @pink-flame

#this will also be posted on ao3 lmao #jatp #julie and the phantoms #juke #jukebox #palina #juke fanfic #jatp fanfic

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johns-prince · 3 years

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Let's play the speculation game and say McLennon was real. Going with the common idea that Paul dumped John in India, wasn't the "let's all be friends, write together and go on double dates with our wives" angle Paul seemed to hope for completely delusional? Why would someone with John's issues stick around and celebrate Paul's happiness with someone else after being downgraded?

I have great respect for Paul's decision of not being John's nanny/handler for the rest of his life. But I've always been annoyed by his inability to let the man go for good. Paul, you've made your choice, my friend. Enough with the sad songs about not being called back or turning up on John's doorstep with a guitar when the he was spending time with his own family. People hate that but some things in the world really are black or white. You can't have it both ways.

Why speculate when we know it was and is real

Alright so, let me try to unpack my thoughts cohesively get ya tinfoil hats on y’all;

If we go with the theory that during 1967, when Paul and John were practically living together and conjoined at the hip, taking LSD together and sharing those intense and intimate experiences that even Pau’s girlfriend Jane had become envious of— John had come to the realization of what he wanted, finally acknowledged it and came to accept it.

So in India, John tried to confront Paul about their relationship and their “relationship,” and openly admit to Paul that he wanted more, that he was now willing to leave Cynthia and Julian for a life he truly wanted or desired, and that included Paul (but to what extent is what we debate I guess)

And now that I’m thinking about it, we also know John was sort of beginning to spiral downward in 1968. It was obvious his marriage with Cynthia was at it’s end, and he didn’t want to work on it anymore. He was surrounding himself more with druggies, an unsavory crowd that Cynthia really didn’t approve of (Yoko was part of this crowd) and he was actively pulling away.

I think John was realizing that, he just wasn’t happy. That, putting everything he had into becoming one of the most successful musicians in the world, to become bigger then Elvis Presley, didn’t make him happy. It didn’t fix what needed fixing in him, what needed addressing. He was still drowning despite it all.

So you’ve got the trip to India, the boys going in hopes that perhaps the Maharishi Mahesh Yog and his spiritual teachings would somehow give a new perspective on things, produce the answer that would save the band (save John and Paul) from what appeared to be an inevitable downfall. But as we know, that isn’t what was needed.

John and Paul needed to talk. The lack of consistent communication between them for years and years, and the fact John needed a therapist, he needed rehab. So did Paul, during the White Album era.

I don’t believe Paul dumped John, but I do think John could have easily misconstrued Paul taking a step back and not willing to just go blindly, impulsively jumping off a theoretical cliff with him, as being rejected. We know Paul had to sort of take the position of ‘think before you leap’, to be more conscious of the actions and decisions he and the others decide to take, and how it would effect them as individuals, and especially them as a band (because frankly the others wouldn’t) and we know that John could be incredibly impulsive, only thought of the consequences after the fact. That, and who’s to say such a proposition and confrontation from John hadn’t scared Paul? Got him feeling those insecurities of his own crawling up.

Paul wanted a traditional family, he wanted to have a wife and children. But Paul also wanted John, he wanted and loved Lennon-McCartney, and he didn’t think (or he’d hoped) him getting married and having a family would really change anything between them (because John got married and had a kid and they were still able to do go and do whatever they wanted together, so what was the difference—) that he could still keep what he had with John, that they could still stay together after The Beatles split. Get around to writing that musical, and grow old together still writing and making music, still creating together.

How I see it, is that Paul wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

Paul, being fine with keeping the status quo between them, it was safe and enough (right?), but John vehemently wasn’t fine with it anymore, and it wasn’t enough for him. Nothing was enough for him, as we know; John was a very all-or-nothing individual, and expected complete devotion and love from someone, because receiving less felt like rejection and abandonment was only around the corner. This way of feeling and thinking for John was only exasperated by the drugs, his alcoholism, and his spiraling mental health.

Paul could have tried compromising with John, and John still could have taken that as a complete rejection of his feelings and what he wanted, and what he had hoped and thought Paul also wanted.

I believe Paul probably didn’t even know himself what he had done wrong, or that he did anything wrong. I don’t think Paul believed he was downgrading John to anything either.

If only they had talked.

Then they returned from India, and the rest as we know it...

“To me, a summary is something like: “gifted, disturbed boy with tremendous amount of drive to outrun a bad childhood discovers love for music and creative soulmate(s) and gives everything he has to become the most famous musician in the world, hoping it will make him happy. He does, but it doesn’t, and people who don’t have his best interests separate him from his friends, his creation and creative spark, and ultimately himself. He’s too screwed up by addiction, mental illness, and unaddressed traumas to change things, so he retreats further into addiction and mental illness, wishing he could somehow regain his lost spark. He makes a few halfway steps toward doing so, but they’re not enough, and ultimately he is killed in front of his apartment building where, 24 hours later, his wife installs the man she had been sleeping with behind his back.”"

— Michael Bleicher, The Artist as a Dissipated Man: Fred Seaman’s “The Last Days of John Lennon.”

Right, so both John and Paul made their choices in life. Some choices and decisions that we as fans and outside observers might never be able to understand, or agree with.

But who’s to say Paul (and John), couldn’t, didn’t, or don’t regret those choices and decisions?

I get what you’re saying, I understand. Why can’t Paul move on? He made his choices, why is it 40, 50 years later, that Paul can’t just let John go? Let sleeping dogs lie, all that.

Because Paul loved John, still loves John, to this day.

Because, clearly Paul has some regrets. He regrets how things were handled during the Divorce. He regrets not hugging John enough. He regrets not telling John, when he had the chance and time, that he loved him (and without the help of alcohol) When you love someone so deeply, and suddenly, without warning, they’re taken from you and the world, you regret a lot, and you miss what could have been, the ‘What if’s.’

Paul said that what he and John were, were soulmates. I don’t know how it feels to lose a soulmate. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to know how it feels to get the opportunity to love and be around them.

How awful do you think it is to meet your soulmate, but you cannot freely love them? Can’t just, be, with them? Not in just one way, bestmates, legendary partners, but, as everything that the word Soulmate brings along and includes with it?

That God decided to have them be of the same sex, during a time where it was illegal to love and be with someone of the same sex, and could even be a potential death sentence to be assumed or thought of as a ‘queer.’

So, you take whatever you can with them.

Then that isn’t enough. One grows restless, desperate for more. It can’t happen, not realistically, not without consequences of varying degrees.

Strain, miscommunication to none. They communicate through a musical, artistic language which just isn’t enough. Drugs, alcohol, mental illness and emotional turmoil, it’s all too much. It breaks. Soulmates are still flawed human beings.

You have people who work to purposefully pin them against each other. Parasites and piggybackers.

A nasty divorce and breakup between two lovers that never were.

And then, after ten years, it’s happening. You two are talking again, things are tense and awkward still sometimes, but something’s changed. You’ve planned on reuniting, couldn’t do it this year, because the studio you wanted was booked. So you plan for after the New Year.

Then, your soulmate is killed. Just, taken away from you, like nothing. Violently and suddenly. And all the possibilities... The time... Gone. Ripped away from both of you.

I can’t blame Paul for not letting go. I can’t say I’d ever be able to understand the sort of pain and heartbreak he experienced. He still goes through it! It’s still there. He’s just learned how to manage it a bit better.

I’d say it’s more pathetic then it is annoying— and I don’t mean it in a way to insult Paul. I really don’t. Because John was just as pathetic when it came to his obvious obsession, desire, and love for Paul, too.

Love, that kind of soul-deep love, it can make you pathetic and hopeless. And it’s not something you can just... let go for good.

Wanting, or expecting Paul to let go of John for good... Firstly would be impossible, and secondly, how do you let go of a soulmate? John is a part of Paul, whether some like it or not. Can’t really have one without the other.

Can’t have Lennon without McCartney, and vice-or-versa. Forever intertwined, are they.

#questionsquestionsquestions #mclennon #beatles discussion/discourse #I think all I did was ramble again I'm sorry #this isn't even that good

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ianenjoyer · 4 years

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an overly detailed analysis of every time Ian and Mickey talked about loving each other bc I love pain and angst apparently

1. “You love me, and you’re gay.” -Ian, 3x09

So right off the bat this one was always the most shocking to me. Throughout the season, there were definitely hints that they were falling in love with each other/already in love but the fact that this is the first time we actually hear it hurts me so much. Especially because Ian was so sure. He wasn’t asking Mickey if he loves him or begging Mickey to love him. He just... knew that he did. This scene is so raw and painful and real because you just see two kids who are desperately in love with each other, but not allowed or able to show that in a healthy way, so they just end up lashing out at each other.

2. “You try sitting on your ass while the person you love--” -Ian, 3x11

Like I said: pain. So before, we heard that Ian knows Mickey loves him, but I always thought it was interesting that he focused on that instead of telling Mickey that he loves him. Because he does, and he definitely knew that. I think this speaks to Ian’s tendency to compartmentalize and only think of his emotions in terms of other people, which he does consistently throughout the show. So here we hear him admit it, but not to Mickey, and only because he’s drunk out of his mind. Ian is just one of those people that constantly keeps things bottled up inside and only deals with them when he reaches a breaking point, which he definitely did in this episode (and we see the fall out of this in 3x12).

2.5 (bc i forgot it the first time) “You love Mickey?” -Carl, 4x11

So I do think it’s really interesting that he says “I like how he smells” here instead of just saying yes. I mean I do think he likes how Mickey smells which is very adorable but he also definitely loved Mickey at this point and he was definitely aware of that. I think he didn’t say it for two reasons: one, he wasn’t ready to admit it out loud and two, he didn’t want Mickey to hear him say it. Before, being over-eager and too obvious about his feelings hadn’t been met with a good response from Mickey, so I think he was trying to avoid scaring him off, while also doing some pretty serious compartmentalization himself. This especially makes sense considering that they weren’t technically a couple here, and that Mickey had only just started admitting (through actions, not words) that what he and Ian had was about more than sex.

3. “You love him?” -Svetlana, 4x12

The dynamic between Mickey and Svet is a very interesting one, and I don’t know if anybody could ever fully pick it apart. But in this scene, you see an odd mutual understanding between them (which extends in season 5a). And what’s truly shocking is that Mickey says “maybe”, which is such a big step for him. Before, if somebody asked him that he would have completely avoided the question while probably blowing up at the person. But he says “maybe”, showing that, even if he doesn’t fully understand his feelings, he had definitely thought about it, and it doesn’t scare him like it used to. This is definitely because he came out and finally felt like he could really be with Ian without this sword hanging over his head (even though the circumstances of that weren’t great).

4. “I love you.” -Mickey, 5x06

God this one... breaks my heart. First of all, the fact that Mickey was the first one to say it would have been shocking in seasons 1-3, but it actually makes so much sense in season 5. Over and over again this season, Mickey’s shown that he loves Ian, but the fact that he can only say it when he thinks he’s losing Ian, and that it’s obvious he didn’t mean to say it, shows that he still hasn’t fully come to terms with his feelings, no matter how strong they are.

5. “You used to love me--now you don’t even know who I am.” Ian, 5x12

This one is almost identical to #1, except with the added piece that Ian no longer thinks he deserves to be loved. This one is so fascinating to me, because it shows, once again, that Ian projects his emotions onto other people instead of dealing with his own feelings. He tells Mickey that he used to love him, even though there’s been no indication from Mickey that he no longer loves him. He says that Mickey doesn’t know who he is when, really, he’s the one that doesn’t know who he is. He put words into Mickey’s mouth, because that’s what he believed to be true, and I really don’t think that at this point anything could have convinced him otherwise. The lack of self-worth that comes with having a mental illness is so debilitating and all-consuming that no amount of reasoning from Mickey would have done much to convince him that he deserved what Mickey was offering to give him.

6. “I love you.” -Mickey, 5x12

So while we have Ian telling Mickey that he used to love him, Mickey counters by just saying how he feels to his face. I think that seeing Ian go though what he went through, and almost losing him like three times made it so that Mickey could no longer deny his feelings. But like I said, Ian had it so cemented in his mind that he was doomed and fucked for life, that I don’t think anything could have gotten through to him at this point. And of course at this point Noel left the show, so we never got to see what could have happened between them if Mickey had stayed. (I 100% think they would have gotten back together sometime in late season 6 after Ian reached a stable place again but whatever).

7. “I love you.” -Ian, 7x11

Fuck. 7x10 and 7x11 are such bittersweet episodes because while it does make it so clear that Ian and Mickey are the loves of each others lives, it’s also when they thought they would never see each other again. What’s extra sad it that this is the first time we’ve ever heard Ian say this. And it’s a goodbye. The only time Ian can really face his emotions head on is when he’s forced to, and he was definitely forced to here. He loves Mickey. He knows Mickey loves him. But that didn’t really matter here, and it’s so tragic, but also really realistic. As for Mickey, he doesn’t even seem surprised--because he wasn’t. He wouldn’t have asked Ian to come if he didn’t know he loved him. This scene is extra heartbreaking because of that. This whole thing just serves as a reminder that sometimes love isn’t enough, and that sometimes there are forces bigger than any two people at play, which I think has always been a central idea to their story.

8. “I love you.” “I know, love you too.” Ian and Mickey, 10x03

Mutual ‘I love you!!!! It took like 10 years but it finally happened. They say it like they’ve said it a thousand time before, which makes me think that it’s definitely not the first time they’ve said it. There’s not really much to talk about here except that finally they’re allowed to love each other. Sure it’s not an ideal situation, but it is one where there are no forces actively working to keep them apart, which is so wonderful. When Ian and Mickey are allowed to just be, they work so well. Even though they’re saying goodbye here, it’s not a real one, not like the break up or the border. It’s temporary and they both know that so for once, them saying ‘i love you’ is a happy (or at least bittersweet) thing instead of the tragedy it was all of the other times.

9. “I love you…and I trust you.” -Ian, 10x08

Remember that quote where Fiona tells Jimmysteve that to her (and all the Gallaghers) trust is bigger than love? Yeah. Anyways his scene is tough because while I don’t think Ian was necessarily lying about genuinely wanting to marry Mickey and the legal stuff just being bonus, I do think he was downplaying the importance, both to himself and Mickey. And at the courthouse, once the bonus of spousal privilege wasn’t needed, he definitely started to realize the magnitude of the situation and what connotations marriage held for him. I mean marriage isn’t something you should just decide on a whim, no matter how much you love somebody and I think he realized that the second the impending threat was gone.

10. “Mickey, I love you!” -Ian 10x08

This is him making it as clear as possible to Mickey that it’s marriage that’s the problem, not him. He saw how heartbroken Mickey was when he didn’t sign the papers, and was basically doing damage control at this point. The problem was, Mickey couldn’t see through his initial heartbreak to really listen to what Ian was saying, or try to understand where he was coming from. I think that Mickey is an incredibly understanding person, but this was just one time too many for him.

11. “You’re just saying you don’t love me enough now.” -Mickey, 10x09

This is probably the first time we’ve ever seen Mickey question Ian’s feelings for him. I think that at the courthouse, he was just so blatantly reminded of the break up and the border that he wasn’t thinking rationally. He was so terrified at the prospect of Ian not choosing him, that he couldn’t listen to Ian’s (pretty reasonable) explanation for why he didn’t get married. However, I don’t think he really believed what he was saying, especially because of how petty he was being with Byron, and how obvious he made it that he would instantly go back to Ian if he proposed. But it still is really sad that he was reminded of that all over again after believing that he and Ian were gonna get married and that he was never going to have to worry about that again.

12. “How do you know you love me?” -Ian, 10x09

I’ve written a meta on this before but here I go again. He’s once again assuming that Mickey couldn’t possibly love him--that he couldn’t possibly want to be with him forever. Not because Mickey’s done anything to indicate that, but because that’s what he thinks Mickey should feel. He genuinely can’t believe that Mickey would want to be with somebody like him, especially because of what he saw with Monica and the way she destroyed relationship after relationship (both romantic and familial). I don’t think he sees himself as being all that different from Monica, so even though that’s definitely not something Mickey would ever care about, it weighs on him heavily (and probably always will). This whole thing just so directly parallels the break up, and it’s so sad to think that, after everything, Ian still doesn’t think he’s worthy of the kind of love Mickey has for him.

13. “I love you Mickey Milkovich. More than anything.” -Ian, 10x10

More than anything!! God, the proposal was a little underwhelming but this line!! It’s Ian choosing to get past all of his doubts because his love for Mickey is bigger to him than they could ever be. Like I said, I don’t think he’ll ever fully be over his insecurities, but he can definitely choose to let Mickey in and have hope that they can work through it together. And even though Mickey knew that Ian loved him and was basically just biding his time, it must have felt amazing for him to hear it put so clearly like this.

14. “Look I love you. I love you.” -Mickey, 10x12

First of all, the way he says it is so amazing. Second of all, there isn’t much to say about this except that it’s so indicative of his growth. Like he went from being closeted and terrified, to blurting out how he feels in a room full of people. That is such a beautiful thing and I get really emo whenever I think about it.

15. “To love and to cherish you ‘til death do us part.” -Ian and Mickey, 10x12

I actually really love that they used traditional vows for their wedding. So much of their relationship was complicated and hard, so to have something very simplistic but meaningful as their vows was so perfect. And the way they say them... they’re being so sincere and so honest. They really mean what they’re saying. They love each other!! And they’re married!! Wow!! That’s all I have to say about this.

#edit: check the notes for 2.5! (the one that i missed)#nvm i just added it in skfjklds #alright here yall go!! enjoy the roller coaster #holy shit this is long #if you actually took the time to read this please know that I love you and would die for you #also i still feel like i missed some?????#i sure hope not #i really hope s11 just focuses on them working through all the insecurities and stuff that they both definitely still have #shameless #gallavich #shameless meta #gallavich meta #ian x mickey

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papers4me · 3 years

Text

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep 12 (Part 1)

The aftermath of the curse lifting~ Btw, the timeline is super messy. Flashbacks & background stories aren’t this anime’s best tool, it’s always felt messy when they attempt that. more on it in my side notes below. Now into the ep~

-Yuki & Machi: ( Blossoming Love!):

I love that the author attempted different direction of romantic love with yuki/machi that suits yuki’s personality! Opposite to kyo/tohru who had the (from best friends to lovers/ from roommates of 3 years to lovers). Yuki & machi’s love is based on natural crush & while she isnt his best friend, she’ll be his lover & they’ll know each other after dating. Both types of love are realistic & have their own path of dynamics, which is clear with how yuki/machi will be interacting & how kyo/tohru are now interacting since becoming official. I’m still bummed most of yuki/machi’s “noticing each other” is supposed to be off-screen, it robbed me of seeing yuki interact in a normal teenage-boy crushing on a girl which contrasts his relationship with kakeru, kyo, haru & tohru. Now, we’ll start the “ official-boyfriend yuki” stage! Also, this jump to confessions didnt help machi have any uniqueness beside being saved by yuki’s words from her trauma. watching her interact with him normally would’ve added realistic depth to her being a normal girl with unique cute quirks differently from tohru, Isuzu, kagura or even motoko!. Oh well~ moving on & focusing on the meaningful cute confession. I loved that altho there were a hug & a kiss, it didn’t have “ I love you” statement. You know they (will) love each other so dearly, but they’re in stage 1 now, she just called him by his first name for the first time! cute! I love that the emphasis is on the “ first name” calling since this is a huge key to yuki’s identity & struggle. Also, It is cute she bought a gift to tohru! This is a set-up to a healthy relationship with yuki since she isn’t jealous from a precious woman in his life that isnt related by blood.

-Moving towards the future: Kyoru’s final stage of growth!

By Kyokoy’s grave Kyo & tohru had key moment of growth & healthy closure to their core character issues::

1- Kyo’s toxic habit of running from life became a desire to run towards life!: While this habit is rightfully excused by his trauma, it needed to be addressed once his curse broke. We know he stopped running & faced his dad, confessed to tohru, accepted her love, embraced his crazy desire for her & accepted he deserved to be loved! Even ran towards tohru, chasing her! However, all the above is him running to the good current life in his grasp. He needs to run to the far away future this time! Needs to plan for the good & accept that the bad is part of it. struggling is part of life & he’ll endure it together with her, while enjoying life’s rewards.

I love that kyo is the one who suggested moving out to another city/place, cuz kyo was the one NOT living. He was long dead & trapped in the cage of his guilt & self-loath. Tohru at least was living thro helping others ( which is not real living but at least it’s better). Kyo was “ Mom, why didn’t you kill me instead of yourself?” ,“ I’ll kill yuki & then kill myself, would that please you, dad?!”, “ I cant forgive me, I dont want you to forgive me, tohru”. Walking on a road of self-destruction & slow death. But now, with tohru he wants life!!! all of it!! travel, learn, see, struggle, fail, succeed, build their own future by themselves.

I love that kyo didnt take tohru’s approval for his plans for granted. He really didnt think she’ll accept right away. He didnt even want her to dedice quickly, He was prepared for compromising to a better solution for them both. They’ll work other possibilities “ if i’m gonna live in this world, I want to do it with you”.

I love that kyo was real abt the obstacles ahead & didnt want tohru to just follow him based on love. He wanted her to decide on her own as well. He also, left the door open for her to change her mind anytime & this screams support & understanding!! Very powerful!.

2- Thoru’s toxic habit of being ashamed to desire anything for herself, living for others & wearing a happy “i’m okay” mask while concealing her true feelings became confidence, self-clarity & honesty: The tohru who was smiling while concealing grief on the beach is gone, the tohru who kyo had to coax her to “complain, be selfish” se01,ep5, to “not hide worrying over a relative’s sickness” se02, ep14 “ cry if she needs to” se3, ep6, is now telling kyo her honest opinion abt his proposal, while thinking of her own self as much as him & even objecting to his sentiment abt her mom’s words!!!!

I love that tohru is now a confident free woman making her own decisions based on self-honesty & communication with her partner. She wasn't just “okay” with it cuz he wants it while putting fake smile, No more of that. Now, she’ll say her true feelings, she asked him abt his plans, tried to see if it is a spur of the moment decision or if he really thought abt it. She also inquired where’s heading, who he talked to, what he’s planning! She is deciding for herself after hearing him! ok, this is your plan? I like it. I’m going! Very powerful!.

I love that like how kyo was realistic abt the plan having some difficulties due to starting away by themselves, she was also realistic that it is indeed sad to part with my friends, my hometown, & my mom’s resting-place, but i’ll choose ME now. “I” want to go with you for “me”. This is not a bind I’ll follow you wherever love story, this is realistic depiction of healthy relationship. Acknowledging hardships & accepting them saves you from being crushed by failure, you’ll endure it when it eventually happens & move on, cuz God knows we DO fail & succeed! Life isnt smooth sailing~

I love that tohru complemented him on his plan cuz she could see that is a sign of growth. If she’s gonna share her life with this man, it is delightful to see that he is thinking of a happier, healthier & realistic future! Cuz kyo was this destroyed man~ so destroyed he was pushing her away despite loving her dearly, now, he’s asking her opinion & permission to accompany him!

I love that tohru made sure to touch upon kyo’s last scar “ my mom doesnt hate you” This is a scar that wont go away even if kyo is mentally healthy. Cuz death is the ultimate truth. He can never hear kyoko’s affirming her love for him, he’ll have to trust in it based on their earlier interaction together. Tohru is powerfully & stubbornly taking away most of his pain by affirming her acknowledge of her mom. You might disagree kyo, you might still feel a bit guilty, it might haunt you sometimes. but me? NO. Never. Mom loved you. She meant ONLY good. Hopefully my determination heals you bit by bit, & it DOES. Kyo stands bravely, confidently & happily in front of kyoko’s grave & instead of saying “ i apologize for hurting you, or tohru, I’m sorry, forgive me”. he tells her he’ll keep their promise & protect tohru for life! he literally proposed there in front of her mom & all. T_T

-Kyoko’s Words: ( Sometimes, you don’t get to know the whole truth & that’s okay):

Can’t describe how much I love this part. This is the most painful yet important lesson in furuba. Life isn’t a movie where the entire truth is exposed to the characters or the audience. Sometimes you live & die without getting to know an important truth, hearing a much needed confirmation, or getting a loved one’s forgiveness. There are things in our life that we just can’t get back no matter how much we tried. What we do, then? die? despair? throw away what we DO have in our hands for this lost truth no matter how important it was to us? No, we do the only thing we can. Live. Not just go thro life’s motion, but really live. Accept the good & the bad. This is so goddamn easy & difficult as hell too!

-Kyo not knowing kyoko’s words at that time was tragic. It was so tragic it sent kyo into a suicidal descent into the abyss. The wounds of his mom’s death that were slowly healing with kazuma’s care got re-opened & poured blood! The old destructive habits became full force, The toxic coping habits returned with its ugliness. I can’t kill myself literally? I’ll do it figuratively. trapped, caged, destroyed, eyes shut, ears closed, only seeing his pain. Kyo is us. All of us in any moment of true crushing despair. He could never bring the dead back, hear their loving words or ask forgiveness. Thro kyo, the author is telling us... I know. You had your moment of lost truth, didn’t you? I know. IT IS OKAY. live, my child. your pain is valid, let it take its course, but afterwards live bravely.

-Kyo’s path towards healing is: the ugliest cuz it hurt tohru of all ppl, the longest cuz he was the last one to move on, the bloodiest cuz he’ll never have the ppl he lost, the rockiest cuz he failed & failed, the most frustrating cuz he repeated his mistakes over & over, He couldnt even do it alone. needed intervention & support. He lost hope. completely. But it is okay even if you fell as deep as kyo: stand up. even if you never learned the truth: let go. even if you were the last one to learn or heal: it isn’t a race. Embrace life with its good & bad & continue as kyoko said “ you fought well”

-Kyoko’s parting plea to her daughter broke my heart into pieces. Death is ugly, but death is a truth that we can’t escape. The leaving ones is hurting as much as the ones left behind, but hopefully, the leaving ones will find a happiness a kin to the ones left behind. yuki’s "say a prayer & move one, one step at a time” is all you can do.

-Kyoko was: a gangster who hurt others (ugly path), repented, married & had a daughter (fulfilling path), widowed & left her daughter while grieving (ugly path), came back, repented & tried to raise tohru well, love her enough! (fulfilling path), died & left her young high school daughter all alone (heartbreaking path) but she accepted that the last path isn’t sth she can fight, prayed, & accepted her fate~

-Kyoko~~ “ you fought well” while you were alive~ you really did! The Tohru you left behind helped a whole clan & hopefully readers as well! you tohru is loved by an entire generation of readers & anime watchers. Tohru is so precious & I can’t stop crying~

Side Notes:

Timeline is super messy & confusing. (a) Tohru’s hospital discharge, kyoru’s hug & curse break for everybody all happened at the (late) afternoon. While curse was breaking, akito was wearing her white kimono & she cried until tohru hugged her on sunset. (b) Before tohru’s hospital shigure’s face was scar-less. we first saw the scar in the afternoon & he was wearing his kimono.

Now the flashback, Akito wearing her outfit from her talk with the maid (which also happened while kyo was talking to his dad which is on the same day) & shigure wearing suit & it’s sunset time??????? How can the sunset happen before the curse break on the afternoon? She inflected the scars on the sunset, how did he have them on the afternoon of the same day?? both changed outfits which is even weirder??? Someone help me put things on order. Or is order not important? If the sequence of events isn’t important, then, why did it have to happen on the curse break day??? Shigure could’ve had his scars a day or two before tohru’s discharge.

Also the OP started in the middle of yuki’s scene which was so odd!

No big deal, but I still feel that yuki’s curse break would’ve been thematically powerful last ep. Especially after seeing The Zodiac Ruler come & collect the spirits. The legend would've been wrapped powerfully on the same ep where it was told. We see the zodiacs’ original story & we see its closure. It would’ve made tohru/akito’s hug more symbolic. An end of an era to akito & to them all. Real Goodbye to the zodiac animals, but now we had a goodbye & a half. lol.

Is yuki the only one seeing the cursed spirit? He looked down at it? I dont remember the others looking down where an animal would be? Is yuki’s curse special? different? He got all the ropes/bonds around him? I really thought yuki’s theme is all abt desiring to be normal & despising the “special” treatment that haunted him even in school.

Momiji/ kagura /kyo interaction is cute!

Haru/Yuki/ Isuzu interaction is cute as well. XD

Kagura, girl, you used to have best fashion, what’s up with jeans under knee length dress?! lol.

I’ll be honest. It is a lost opportunity that machi weren't made to question how teen-tohru is yuki’s mom. That would’ve solidified her as a unique stand alone character if she were to discuss it with yuki. Tohru being yuki’s mom figure is not normal, otherwise yuki’s entire dilemma of figuring out his feelings for tohru would’ve become meaningless. Having machi quickly “understand” it is a bit weird. But it helps the plot move quickly, I guess. ( it reminds me of Arisa hugging akito when she confessed stabbing kureno without questioning anything, it is weird, but you get the message that “ we aint got time for that~ gotta hop on the next plot).

I love that furuba subverted the old anime-trope of the entire happy cast staying together in one city/place & living exactly like they did in their teens except being married now! XD. It is so realistic that each character is now moving on their path of life~

Tohru wore a ring in her foreshadowing vision! SHE WORE A RING! My baby girl is a grown woman now~ T_T. I love tohru so much!~

Shigure/ akito & the last banquet is in my review part 2. I’ve been editing out any thoughts abt Shigure from my previous posts. I needed to see the whole picture first. I think can now talk abt them, I’m looking forward to the comments of the next part cuz I really really need to see if I understood it or if i’m off.

#Fruits Basket #Anime Only #crying paper #proud paper!#tohru is just so precious!#final season #Part 1

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minizode · 3 years

Text

memory

pairing: jay / f!reader

wordcount: 3.3k

genre: angst, comfort

warning: breakups, evil management, hurt feelings, enhypen being crazy, jay is kind of an ass in the beginning, female pronouns

+ summary: jay breaks up with his girlfriend of two years. why?

note! hey! this is my first fic on kpop tumblr... i really hope you guys like it. i’m pretty bad at writing angst but i’ve had this idea in my head for such a long time that i really wanted to post it for more people to see! also this is in third person, so pls lmk if you’d prefer second person because i couldn’t decide

“y/n!” Jay called from the door.

Backstage was crowded with people bustling from left to right, preparing for the next performance. Jay stood tall and searched the crowd for the face of his girlfriend.

His saving grace, y/n’s bandmate, saw Jay and caught her attention, motioning her to the door where Jay was. She smiled and quickly maneuvered past the staff members to stand in front of him.

“Hey,” she smiled. “Good job on your performance, by the way, you looked really good up there.” She paused.“But why are you here? I have like… five minutes until I need to be on stage.”

“Thank you.” Jay nodded and pushed his hands into his pockets. “And I know, but Heeseung-Hyung said I needed to tell you this as soon as possible.”

“Okay! Can we just go over there? It’s really hard to hear you,” She motioned for him to follow her to a space behind some boxes of equipment. “Can you help me?” She said with the sweetest smile, and Jay felt his heart crack a little more down the middle. She held out the wires for her mic pack, which he took quickly and turned her around.

“So, we’ve been dating for a long time,” Jay started as he plugged the wires into the small black box on the waistband of her shorts. “You know, it’s almost our one-thousand days.”

y/n giggled and nodded. “Five more days, yeah.”

Jay took a breath and pursed his lips as he pulled her hair to the side, exposing soft skin on the back of her neck. He bit back every urge he had to rest his head there and adjusted her mic before turning her around to face him. “Well, don’t you think it’s been a little too long?”

y/n’s eyebrows furrowed together, surely ruining her makeup and creating creases. “What are you trying to say?”

“Just… don’t you think it’s time to focus on ourselves? We’re progressing with our lives and-”

y/n’s scoff cut him off. “Just say you’re bored of me, Jay. Just say it.” Her tone had taken a complete shift from what it had sounded like mere seconds ago.

“That’s not what I’m saying, y/n.” He sighed. “I just want you to be happy, I want to be happy too.”

“But I am happy,” she rebutted.

“Not as happy as you could be. Our relationship is the same routine, nothing new is happening. I mean, I’ve finally debuted… don’t you think it’s about time for us to move on?”

y/n let out a laugh of disbelief. “Is that not what a relationship is supposed to be? We’re supposed to be comfortable… and you didn’t seem to have a problem with that when I debuted.”

“We can’t be together forever, y/n. That’s just not realistic,” Jay muttered and pursed his lips. y/n shook her head.

“And I thought…” she sighed and ran a hand through her freshly curled hair, ruining that too. “Whatever. I don’t have time for this,” she said, turning on her heel and walking toward the entrance of the stage right as the staff called her name. “We’re over, Jay. Have a good life.”

And with that, she walked on stage, a perfectly crafted smile on her face.

Jay got back to his seat just by the time the music started.

“Did you do it?” Sunghoon asked with hesitancy.

Jay nodded and turned to the stage. Automatically, his eyes flickered towards y/n, as though it was an impulse. To any normal person, she would look fine. Happy, even. Her makeup didn’t look creased and her hair looked fine; she looked beautiful as always. She was smiling when she sang her part, she shone just as brightly as her other members. However, Jay knew her better than anyone; he could see the sadness mixed with anger in her eyes. But she was a professional, and as always, managed to mask her feelings with the factory manufactured expressions on her face.

“Was she mad?” Niki asked from beside Jay. He turned to Niki and shrugged.

“I think so.”

“You should have waited,” Sunoo muttered. “Telling her right before her performance was a dirty move, even for you.”

Jay scoffed, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Just as Sunoo opened his mouth to contradict, Jungwon placed his hands on both of their shoulders. “Stop fighting, guys. You can discuss all you want back at the dorms. Just not in public, people are watching.”

The other members watched Jay roll his eyes and turn his attention back to the performance.

The song was reaching its end; the climax, y/n’s part. She was singing with passion and fervor, Jay would even go as far to say that she sounded, and looked, better than ever. The tears in her eyes made it all the more powerful.

And then, just like that, it was over. Her chest heaved as she smiled at the camera. There was an emotion on her face that he couldn’t quite place, but it didn’t matter, because they were over. He would never see her face again.

y/n laid in her bed, watching the dust specks glide through the sunlight, landing upon her bedsheets. There, strewn upon them, was the black sweatshirt of Jay’s that reminded her of all the things she had a day ago. It reminded her of everything she lost over one simple conversation.

Part of her wished she had ignored him at that doorway; she wished she didn’t take him to a quieter area, she wished she didn’t ask him for help with her mic pack, she wished she hadn’t even let him speak. Maybe then, the conversation would’ve been saved for a better day.

She was confused; why did he break up with her? It was so out of the blue, so random. It hadn’t even occurred in her mind that they would ever break up. y/n had never experienced a break up before. Was it normal to feel this bad?

She knew, upon hearing her friends’ ailments, that it sucked. But y/n had never realized the true meaning of heartbreak until now. But she wasn’t crying… was she supposed to cry? Was she supposed to feel something? Right now, she only felt numb. Like she was a speck of dust floating in the cold winter sunlight and falling onto her bedsheets.

There was a soft knock on her door. Silence for a second, then another series of knocks, followed by the door opening. Due to the layout of her room, she couldn’t see the door, nor the person coming inside. She thought it was one of her members again, telling her to come to eat or drink some water, to go shower or use the bathroom, or even just get out of bed and change into something else to save her from wallowing in a well of sadness. What she didn’t expect, however, was the gentleness of the leader of Enhypen, one of her closest friends.

“y/n,” his voice was warm, just like the hesitant hand on her shoulder. “You need to get up.”

Her body turned so she could face him. He looked tired; dark bags under his eyes. His irises were lacking their usual stars, and his lips were pale. What happened to him?

“Are you okay?” were the first words that left her lips from last night. Her throat was dry, it felt like sandpaper. It showed in her voice; the scratchiness of it.

Jungwon sighed and sat on the edge of her bed. “This isn’t about me, noona. Minju called and told me you haven’t even gotten out of bed since after the show last night.” He brought his face closer to hers with his eyebrows turned down. “Did you even take off your makeup?”

She shook her head.

He sighed again. For a sixteen-year-old, Jungwon sighed more than a disappointed old man. “Please get out of bed. You’ll die at this rate.”

A hoarse giggle escaped her throat and she ran her hands down her face. “I think that’s a little overdramatic.”

“No, I’m serious! For real… I thought you guys would be able to take care of yourselves. Turns out a kid two years younger than you has to take care of you because you’re both too stupid to do it yourself.”

“Hey!” she sat up in her bed. “That’s rude, Jungwon.”

“You know what’s rude?” Jungwon said. “Ignoring your basic human needs and making the people close to you worried!” Jungwon never raised his voice, let alone at someone who was older than him. Was he really this worked up? “It’s nearly four P.M, noona. You haven’t eaten anything since last night. At least Jay-Hyung is doing better than you… at least he got up. Even if he’s so upset that he’s been playing games all day, at least he’s taking care of himself.”

y/n’s face twisted to annoyance. “Upset?” she scoffed. “Why in the name of God would he be upset? He’s the one who broke up with me.”

“You don’t think he feels bad?”

Silence engulfed the room. y/n had known Jay for three years, dated him for two. In all that time of knowing him, one thing was for certain; he always tried his best to not show his negative emotions. That was one of the things that tested their relationship almost constantly. He never told her when he was upset because he knew she would feel guilty for it. He never wanted to hurt her, even though it ended up hurting her more by finding out through other people. Even now, they experience the same thing.

“Then why did he break up with me?” y/n’s voice was small. “We were happy… at least I thought we were. He even planned a big date for our one-thousand days on Monday,” she didn’t realize her voice was shaking until Jungwon pulled her into a hug.

“I think the only way you’ll be able to figure out the answers to everything is if you talk to him yourself. I can comfort you, but you won't be able to get closure unless you talk to him.”

y/n pulled away and shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t think I can get more upset than this so…” she trailed off. “Maybe it’s worth a shot? Besides, I have a lot of stuff to do and I can’t let this plague my mind anymore otherwise I’ll get in trouble with my manager,” she let out a teary laugh. Jungwon giggled with her and nodded his head.

“You can come with me back to the dorm. But only after you get ready and eat some food.”

y/n sat on the grey futon in the boys’ living room. She had been there several times ever since they had moved in, but something was different this time; Jay wasn’t sitting beside her. It felt wrong sitting on the center cushion without the warmth of a body beside her. Well, there were actually two boys sitting beside her trying to cheer her up, but it didn’t feel the same.

“He’ll be back in an hour or so,” Heeseung had told her. “He and Niki went out to get some groceries.”

y/n watched as Sunghoon chased Sunoo around the living room with a spatula that held a fried egg (one that y/n had actually cooked for them when she arrived. Why Sunghoon was chasing Sunoo rather than eating it was beyond her). Jungwon and Jake sat on either side of her, laughing at the ungraceful occurrence before them. Heeseung walked out of the bathroom and into the living room, running face-first into Sunghoon, who splatted the egg all over his shirt.

Amongst the commotion of y/n grabbing a towel to help Heeseung and Jake getting him a new shirt, the door opened and the two missing boys arrived in the apartment. Upon hearing Jay’s greeting of “We’re home!”, y/n frantically looked around the room for an escape. She resorted to hiding behind Sunghoon and Sunoo, who were bickering about who’s fault it was.

Too bad that Jay was as sharp as an eagle. He saw her the moment he and Niki walked into the living room.

The deafening silence that followed raised goosebumps on everyone’s skin. Jay looked over each of his members’ faces before finding the guilty look on Jungwon’s; a dead giveaway. Jay pressed his lips in a tight line before leaving the room, probably going to the kitchen to put away the groceries.

“Um…” Sunoo turned to y/n. “Maybe you should come back later… he looks like he’s in a bad mood,” he whispered.

“He’s only in a bad mood because Jungwon brought her here.”

“Well they need to talk, it’s not my fault he decided to end things that way.”

“He should’ve been more considerate of her feelings.”

Niki, who had been silent the entire time, walked over to y/n and opened his arms for a hug. It made her smile slightly. The youngest was always somewhat reserved around her. Maybe it was because she was a girl, or maybe it’s just because he didn’t know her as well as he would’ve liked. But he probably caught onto the fact that she wasn’t in a good headspace, and he was a good-hearted kid, so he just wanted to show her he cared.

“You should just talk to him now,” Niki said lowly. “Jay-Hyung!” he yelled, and all the other members looked at him in shock. “Come here!”

In seconds, Jay appeared in the doorway. The other boys looked around at each other before moving out of the way.

“We’ll give you guys some space,” Jake said softly before leaving the room. The others followed suit.

y/n stood in the middle of the room, looking at the patterned socks on her feet. Her large hoodie hung to her mid-thighs, covering the denim shorts she wore underneath. She was never too good at confrontation… it was scary and there were so many factors to consider. But she had to do it this time.

Jay stood in front of her and reached out to grab her hand, running his thumb across her knuckles, something he knew calmed her down in most situations. But right now, it only made her feel worse. Didn’t he hate her?

“What did you wanna talk about?” he said slowly, cautiously.

She breathed in quickly and looked up at him before speaking. “I just… I just need to know why. Why did you want to end things? Two people in love can’t just break up one day, you know? It has to have been some build-up. What was it? What did I do?”

Jay hummed and looked down at their connected hands. “I was going to just continue on the lie I told you back at the show but,” he paused and shook his head, looking back up at her. “I can’t keep lying to you. It kills me too much.”

y/n looked confused. “What does that mean?”

“You know how when I got the chance to be in the show, they didn’t really like the idea of us dating?”

She nodded, a signal for him to continue.

“Well, the company said that now that I’ve debuted, it’s an even bigger problem. It would be fine if you weren’t an idol, but you are. And they don’t like how famous you are compared to us, I guess?” Jay looked torn. y/n’s group was one of the most popular girl groups on the charts. “They think that people will find out about our relationship, and that will bring down our reputation, apparently.”

“Seriously?” y/n pulled her hand from his. “That’s… the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.”

“I’m not lying, baby. I would never lie to you about this.”

y/n walked backward before sitting on the couch and putting her face in her hands. “It’s not that I don’t believe you, Jay. It’s just… that’s so stupid. Why would they make you break up with me now? Why didn’t they talk about this earlier? And why didn’t you just tell me? I would’ve understood.” She sounded hurt. Understandable, considering the words leaving his mouth. “I, of all people, would understand. I know how important this is to you. Don’t you think I would’ve listened if you just told me the truth?”

“I just thought that if I made up something, it would be easier for you to move on. Because now, you know I never lost feelings for you. I just can’t bring my group down incase anything ever got out to the public.”

y/n’s lips quivered. “So… so that’s it then?” her voice was threatening to crack. Her throat was tight and sore, and it felt like if she made one wrong move she would break. “We’re just going to end things like this?”

“What other choice do we have? I don’t want you to get caught involved with a scandal… That would ruin your career more than it would mine.”

She sniffled. “I just wish that things were different.”

“Hey,” he stepped closer to her. “Please don’t cry. It won’t be fair to both of us.”

He was right, as he always was. She couldn’t cry; it wouldn’t be fair. Because life was never fair to them. It pushed them to the extremes and they always came back intact, holding each other tightly so they wouldn’t lose the pieces. Like when her grandfather was sick, or when Jay had to move away. When they couldn’t contact each other for months, or when she got injured when he was gone. Life was unfair, but they had to make it through.

Her heart was unsettled, thumping weakly against her chest as she stared up at the boy. His platinum blond hair brushed over his eyes and she moved it away. He gently smiled down at her.

She wanted to close her eyes and pretend everything that happened was fake; she wanted to wake up from this nightmare of a reality. But she knows she can’t. So her eyes searched his face as she remembered everything they’ve done together; everything he’s made her feel. Her heart was shattering all over again, each piece a memory from her life with him that she would have to move on from. Each piece that she would have to pick up when he left because they were too valuable to be left on the ground.

But no matter what, y/n would not cry, because it wouldn’t be fair for Jay.

“Not crying.” she nodded her head. Tears pooled around the corner of her eyes. Jay could see them, and his heart trembled a little. But he has to do this, for both of them. It wasn’t fair, it never would be. They didn’t sign up for this when they signed those contracts. But this is what they needed to do, and upon seeing that she listened and supported him, he didn’t want to make it any harder for her than it already was.

Jay smiled a teary, broken smile. He sniffled and blinked away the tears beginning to sting at his own eyes. He nodded his head in agreement and reached his hand out to run his fingers through her messy hair. His heart wanted one thing, but his head told him something else. It would be okay for him to be selfish for a spare five seconds, right? It wouldn’t hurt, he guessed. So he leaned down and pressed a soft, sparing kiss on her lips. It was short, but it spoke more than a thousand words.

Please take care of yourself, please stay safe, stay healthy. Thank you for loving me, thank you for letting me love you. His soul tears a little when he pulls away, but he quickly holds himself together. He couldn’t break in front of her. It wouldn’t be fair.

note! ahh okay! that’s it that’s the end!! i actually really dislike this, now that i’ve read it over and over again. i’m not too good at this type of stuff, but maybe i’ll get better in the future. i hope you guys liked it, at least a little, and it wasn’t a waste of your time. @nico-nico-niki , since you wanted to be tagged <3

#jay x reader #park jay x reader #jay park x reader #enhypen jay x reader #enhypen x reader #enhypen angst #park jeongseong x reader #jeongseong x reader #enhypenwriters

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whiskeyjack · 3 years

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top 10 fics?? are you kidding me??

Thank you @00gangfriend00 for probably one of the hardest lists I’ve ever had to make. I also haven’t gotten around to reading anywhere near enough of the fics I want to, my bookmark list is getting dangerously long. I have many favourites, so please note this list is off the top of my head and if you asked me in a month it would probably be different. This was not an easy list to make in the slightest, this fandom is absolutely brimming of incredibly talented authors. In making this list I’ve also realized the true extent of my negligence for not commenting on some of these fics (especially the early reads) - so I will be rereading some of these to drop you lovely authors my thoughts and appreciation 💖 In no particular order:

A Rational Choice by @fireinsideforfun (tumblr?)

i think this was one of the first fics I read in this fandom and my life has forever been changed because of this fic. i’m not sure if it’s still a WIP (boy I hope so) or if it’s been abandoned, but either way this fic is full of angst! tortured and vulnerable sexy times! plot! aka everything i look for in an indulging read.

Until Long After She Takes Her Final Breath by @watermelonriddles (@emilykolburn)

this was another early read of mine, and it was a fucking painful one. my heart physically hurt while reading this fic, and tbh i want to go back and reread it but i’m not sure i physically can. goes to show the amount of talent it took to write this one, and how emotionally provocative it is. this fic lives rent free in mind, and forever will.

Thirty Pieces of Silver by @riosnecktattoo (@riosnecktattoo)

alas, this fic will always be on my list because of where i was in my life when i read it. i think this is the first (completed) fic i read where i felt a full on wave of catharsis from the show so powerful that i just sort of… had to stop and stare around thinking about what i had just read. @riosnecktattoo i will never be able to thank you enough for the relief i had reading this fic. i’m also just always so blown away by the fact that this was your first fic… you are so gifted. i love love love the absent-minded scar touching, the 20 questions, the sheer vulnerability… everything about it. completely breathtaking.

a song inside the halls of the dark by @ms_scarlet (@mego42)

ok yeah so. this is a fic that’s very high up on my list, and will forever remain there. i could talk for years about how much i love the characterizations, the plot, character and relationship developments, the smut (the SMUT!!) , the vulnerability, and the angst in this fic. @mego42 you captured my attention right off the bat with this fic and i’ve always been so blown away by your ability to give me shivers with your comparisons to natural disasters and just perfectly concocted imagery. this fic also does contain my #1 brio smut, it’s just… so vulnerable, desperate, possessive and perfect. i’ve probably reread this half a dozen of times now, and i always need time to recover because of how fucking powerful this piece. also my heart literally breaks every time i get to the end. do I still reread? god, yes. thank you for writing this piece of art, truly it is magnificent.

i will collect and capture you by @foxmagpie (@foxmagpie)

i absolutely adore this fic, it has a very special place in my heart. it is complete with so much angst, on point characterizations, incredibly talented written humour gently weaved into moments (hospital bed//casket!!!), fucking phenomenal smut, and heartbreaking metaphors. it also has a precious lung! spleen! shoulder! moment that I won’t been forgetting for a very fucking long time. @foxmagpie thank you for writing this fic, it is so remarkable, and you are so talented i truly feel like we are living in Rio’s mind during this fic. word of warning if y’all haven’t read this one yet: be careful you will go on a fucking ride. i learned so much about my emotional bandwidth while reading this… and it hit my limits.

It Hurts When I See You Struggle by @BourbonOnTheRocks (@bourbon-ontherocks)

an amazing post 2.13/s3 fucking piece. this fic has it all: so! much! angst! shards of perfectly placed comic relief! vulnerability! rio chuckling! and amazing metaphors (tapestry!!)! i love how beth gets caught in her own bullet for rio, and @bourbon-ontherocks you write it in a way that’s just so utterly full circle, i let out a physical sigh of relief from the resolution these two go through. “I need you//I think I need you too” will be forever imprinted in my brain, it’s just incredibly flawless. your words always provoke such an emotional reaction while reading, i’m constantly just in awe that English isn’t even your first language. i have read this already a few times, and guarantee will be back for more.

Bringing Down the Neighborhood by @s_t_c_s (@sothischickshe)

certainly one of my favourite resolutions post 2.13. this fic is absolutely full of snark, idiots being idiots and VERY sexy times that are just so humorous, i couldn’t breathe from laughing quite a few times. the characterization is absolutely on point and accurate to the point that i could full out envision this fic taking place in canon (if it wasn’t so sexy). seriously @sothischickshe I just love how you used talking/kissing as important markers in their relationship in this fic, it felt just so true to canon, you nail them to a T. i’m also such a sucker for the idea that rio holds on to beth’s rejection of desk sex with him. yes. undeniable. fucking marvellous.

Ain’t No Sunshine by @MissMaxime (@missmaxime)

another recent read of mine, and tbh? i’m v sad i didn’t read this fic before now. this fic righted my world in a way i didn’t know it needed to be and i truly am walking around believing that this full-out happened in canon. i absolutely love how beth’s ptsd (and turner’s!! thank you @missmaxime for pointing that out post-read) is explored in very unique (and HOT!!!) ways. very phenomenally done @missmaxime , this was such an amazing read. i will forever be thinking about beth looking for scars on turner’s chest that aren’t there.

It’s All About The Game (and how you play it) by @sdktrs12 (@sdktrs12)

another perfect fic that is incredibly indulgent on my part and an absolutely treat to read. the characterizations of not only beth & rio, but of mick, annie & ruby are just so accurate. @sdktrs12 i love how you play with beth & rio being thirsty idiots in front of the others, all while inserting perfectly placed and in-character comedy. i am super obsessed with the idea of the ot3 playing monopoly with rio & mick and you fucking nailed it. this fic made me feel lots of things, what a wonderful read that i will come back to often.

Dancing in the Dark by @gangfriend (@00gangfriend00)

um ok. this is a really indulgent fic that I have recently read and left me with a stupid big ass grin on my face, as well as a massive craving for chinese food. @00gangfriend00 you have such a gift with words, and yours painted such a realistic lovely picture in my head. your annie is on fucking point - napping/suiting up to impress gangbangers are gold!! I don’t usually read too much fluff but you really integrated the intensity of their relationship into such a soft and in character interaction. amazing.

Yes. So. Similar to what Kat said, so so so many lines from all of these fucking pieces (AND. SO. MANY. MORE.) live rent free in my head. Seriously, I’m so impressed by the sheer amount of giftedness and talent exist in this fandom, I can never thank anyone enough for how much reading their writing has gotten me through this pandemic and provided such a significant source of relief and escape in these uncertain and hard times 💗

@spiceesweetness @missmaxime @yellowhammerga @mamey2422

Tag, you’re it 🙈

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newbeginningsforever · 4 years

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Castlevania Season 3 Analysis - Adrian’s Story

@espanholina asked me to rewatch the show and re-evaluate what really happened between Takka, Sumi, and Adrian. I ended up writing five pages of commentary and analysis. I will be splitting this up into what happened before episode 9, and then episode 9 in a separate post.

I’m trying to be less biased by my emotions this time and focus on analysis. Here we go:

**TRIGGER WARNING FOR NON-CON/SEX AND SPOILERS**

(Rewatching Season 3)

IMPORTANT NOTE: The first time I watched I was completely rooting for Alucard. I desperately wanted him to find peace and happiness. And, of course, this affects perception. My desire as a viewer to see him be happy influenced how I perceived the show. I’m human, after all, and all humans have emotions that influence the way they perceive things. The second time I am watching to try to understand the emotions of the characters, and I am trying to be as realistic/honest as possible about what happened.

Episode 5: Adrian is so happy to have friends. It’s heartbreaking. He’s so content in this episode. It’s horrible to look at the faces of Takka and Sumi, seeing their little knowing side glances when Adrian is not looking. They are scheming, but upon the first watch, I did not see this because their shared looks are extremely subtle and fleeting. Also, I did not want to see them. Neither did Alucard. That is something I have learned while being a psychology major- desperate people see what they want to see until they literally are forced to face the truth. Adrian is desperate for friends and affection, and he will overlook little things to still feel that sense of happiness and contentment.

Episode 7: After being asked if the castle can move, Adrian seems to be mostly emotionless but possibly annoyed by this question. I completely missed the evil eye contact of Takka/Sumi behind his back the first time. They seem to be pretty much solely focused on getting information now. Adrian gazes affectionately at them when they aren’t looking, indicating his fondness for them and possibly his attraction to them. He’s so grateful to have companionship. When Sumi realizes Adrian is pushing back against their questioning, she thanks him and complements him to drag him back into her good graces. Very persuasive technique. She reels him back in with kindness, latching onto his loneliness so he will do what she wants (I’ve had people do this to me and GOD does it suck).

Episode 8: Sumi and Takka return from the Belmont hold. Takka says that Alucard is holding things back and Sumi says this is because he is lonely. Takka asks, “It doesn’t seem fair, does it? He rid the world of Dracula, and this is his reward.”

Sumi says “I think that he thinks he deserves it… he killed his own father. He wants to be punished for it.” Later, she says

“Now [Adrian’s] home is more unprotected than ever. He can do so much for us. Give us a future.” Takka responds with:

“But he stays here because it’s as close as he can get to death as he can manage without killing himself,” Sumi says.

“We should do something for him. Give him a reward.”

Later… “Maybe Alucard can make lunch again. And dinner,” Takka says.

“One more dinner?” Sumi responds.

“Well, sooner or later, I’ll have to start preparing my own food again,” Takka says. He is more serious this time and he is no longer smiling. In a second watching, I can tell that they are intending something malicious. Sumi looks down for a second, expression serious/sullen/discomforted, but then she wipes it away and acts happy again. (The first time I watched I thought they were planning on leaving Adrian, but I did not expect that they would try to kill him) Will someone else watch this scene closely and tell me what they think this expression is? It honestly seems like they might be a little frustrated/sad/conflicted about killing Adrian at this point. Not a lot, but they do seem to be a bit uncomfortable with it or something. I’m not quite sure. They’re animation, of course, so the facial expressions are a LOT harder to read.

The scene ends with Sumi saying: “All right then. Lunch and dinner, and we’ll see what the night brings.” (The first time I watched I did wonder if they were going to have sex with Alucard at this point, because of the line “We should give him a reward”) Now it’s clear they mean to have a couple more meals from him before they murder him. I have to say this writing and animation is subtle. They never obviously reveal their plans, and the nonverbal communication about their emotions/desires are very quick. It’s really only clear in hindsight to me.

After they go to the armory, Adrian starts to get a bit annoyed and definitely suspicious about their questions/accusations. He tries to brush it off. In this scene, you can see him get uncomfortable for a little bit and then ignore it and try to reaffirm their connection/affection for him. Adrian is doing something here that I bet many of us have done at one point in our lives: he’s (probably subconsciously) blocking out his inhibitions and doubts about his new friends because he wants companionship more than anything, so he will put anything negative out of mind and focus on the positive - they say they will stay with him. They know how to exploit his weakness: loneliness. All he wants is affection and companionship and they know it. I think Adrian doesn’t even want to think about why they are asking these questions, and just ignores it so he doesn’t have to consider the possibility that they are using him. If he was not maddeningly lonely, he probably wouldn’t have done so. (This parallels with Hector’s storyline of course)

What are your thoughts? What did you think Adrian was feeling and thinking?

Next, I will analyze Episode 9.

#Castlevania #castlevania adrian tepes #adrian tepes #alucard #castlevania alucard #castlevania season 3 #castlevania analysis #dracula #lisa tepes #dracula castlevania #spoilers #castlevania spoilers #psychology #psychological analysis #trevor belmont #Sypha Belnades

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chibsytelford · 4 years

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A Last Goodbye

*** GIF CREDIT TO CREATOR ***

Anon requested - Hii, I'm the one who requested the Chibs 'A broken heart' minific. Thank you so much for writing it! And now I am in mood for mooore angst and heartbreak hehe. I was thinking something along the lines of Chibs and the reader having a mutual breakup (e.g because Chibs is going to prison, or to 'protect the reader, or whatever you feel fits!) even though they're still in love, and the fic is their last night together before officially breaking up. So essentially really sad fluff. ♡

Authors Comment - Another Chibs heartbreak fic - it doesn’t get any easier to write about, but I still enjoyed writing it if that makes sense! This one is pretty long - maybe my longest yet.

Taglist - @agirllovespasta @everyhowlmarksthedead @rebel-without-cause-x @starrynite7114 @sheeshgivemeabreak @naytraydr @jadesamhart @whyisgmora @talicat713 @fangirlingaesthetics - if you would like added to my taglist just ask :)

You knew Charming was just a temporary stop. Your dream was to move to New York and become a big shot artist. It had been your dream since you were a little girl. You moved here from San Francisco 2 years ago, to complete the last 2 years of your art degree. San Francisco was a bit too busy for you, and you needed peace and quiet to complete the last 2 years, so you chose Charming. You had looked at pictures and found a small house by the beach for rent, which would be perfect for you to focus on your painting. The views from the house were spectacular and you knew that you could definitely spend 2 years here just drawing the landscapes, the beach, the water and the hills. What you didn’t expect was to fall in love.

You met Chibs the day after you moved here. You were shopping in the supermarket and couldn’t reach something from the top shelf when a tall man with dark greying hair came over to you.

“Need help wi that lass?” he had asked you as he stretched round you and got the beans down from the shelf.

You had thanked him and thought you wouldn’t see him again, but you were so wrong. The next day you were down by the beach getting ready to paint when you saw the same man, just sitting out staring at the water. You approached him and he told you he did this every morning, to clear his head before he started work. And he wasn’t lying. Every morning you looked down onto the beach and saw the man who you learned was called Filip, or Chibs. And that was the start of your relationship. You started by taking him tea down in the mornings, and tea turned into breakfast and you guys got to know each other. You told him about your plans, that after 2 years you would be leaving Charming to go to New York. You told him you were not looking for a relationship, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try and get you to change your mind.

About 2 months into your new breakfast routine, you headed down to the beach as normal. But when you got there, breakfast was waiting for you this time, with a single red rose. You looked up at Chibs who just shrugged and played it off as normal. You ate and talked about what your plans were for that day, and then you got up to leave.

“Love, will ye go on a proper date wi me?” Chibs had caught you off guard. You reminded him of your ‘no relationship’ rule and he told you it was bullshit and if he only had you for another 1 year and 10 months then he would be a happy man. Against your better judgement, you agreed to a date, and after that one date you knew you were in trouble. You fell in love with him.

He introduced you to his brothers early on in the relationship. You instantly clicked with all of them, and they all had their little quirks that you found amusing. You slotted right in to the goings on at Teller Morrow and the clubhouse. Before introducing you to the Sons, Chibs explained what he actually did for a living. He told you he was in an MC that shipped drugs and guns and money, and occasionally did bad things. But you knew that no matter what he told you, you wouldn’t love him any less.

Your new daily routine was going down to the beach, having breakfast with your boyfriend, then painting for a few hours, before taking lunch for the boys, and then sitting with them for a couple of hours if they were actually in the clubhouse, then heading home to do more painting. Then you made dinner, and went to bed. Chibs had pretty much moved in with you after the first date. It was a bit fast, but you both felt the same way towards each other. You always made him dinner, but usually he heated his up when he got home as he always showed up late, but you didn’t mind, it gave you time to paint in peace.

---

You didn’t realise you were crying until you looked down and saw tears splatted onto the letter you had in front of you. It was a job offer in New York. Today was your last day in Charming. The 2 years had flown by so quickly. You got your art degree like you wanted, and now you were offered a job in a prestige New York Art Gallery, where they said you could sell your own work as well as work there, because it was excellent. This was your dream, and you were excited, but you were also heartbroken, because it meant saying goodbye to Charming, and goodbye to your boyfriend. You knew that the distance between New York and Charming was only 44 hours away, even less on a plane, but realistically you were going to be so busy with your new job, and Chibs couldn’t leave the MC for more than a day. Plus New York wasn’t for a man like him.

“Why are ye crying love?” Chibs came over and pulled you up so you were standing in front of him. You handed him the letter and he read it. His face was a picture of sadness, which soon vanished when he looked up to you and gave you a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’m so proud of ye, New York is your dream, and now ye can go” You nodded whilst wiping your tears away using the back of your hand. “Are they happy tears or sad tears?”

“Mostly sad, because tonight is our last night together, I don’t know when I will be coming back, if I ever do” You had now started crying again and Chibs pulled you into him.

“Shhh lass” He tried to hide the sadness in his voice but he knew he couldn’t for long. You both knew this day was coming because you had marked it on the calendar. But now the day was finally here, it started to become more real that this was goodbye.

You had spoken about you moving to New York a couple of times in the last 2 years. You both decided that long distance wasn’t going to work, with the different time zones, and the MC was getting busier and busier and you didn’t want Chibs to have to try and juggle a long distance relationship and focus on the club. So you mutually agreed that when you went to New York, you would break up. It was for the best.

“Am gonna phone Jax, tell him am not coming in today, and we are gonna spend our last day together, just me and you alright” you nodded into his chest before pulling away to make you both some tea to put into a flask. You then decided to make some breakfast like you normally did, and take it down to the beach for one last beach breakfast.

You both walked quietly hand in hand down to your usual spot on the beach. There was a hint of sadness in the air, and you were afraid that if you spoke you would just burst into tears, so you stayed quiet. Chibs laid out the blanket for you both and you sat down on it, pulling out the breakfast rolls and the tea from the small basket. Chibs was the first to break the silence.

“A just wanna say, these last 2 years have undoubtedly been the best of ma life Y/N, ye have made me the happiest man alive” You turned to look at him and saw he was barely keeping it together.

“I never thought I would fall in love with you Filip, I tried not to, but I knew the minute you dropped me home after our first date, I was in love with you” A lone tear escaped his eye and he angrily swiped it away.

You heard the rumble of bikes before you saw them, and when you turned around you saw the Sons walking down to where you and Chibs sat.

“A hope ye don’t mind, they wanted to say goodbye” you nodded at Chibs before squeezing his hand and standing up to greet the men. You never thought a goodbye to them would be hard either, but by the end of all the hugging and the goodbyes, there was not a dry eye to be seen.

“Come on lass, let’s get ye home ti get some rest before your flight in the morning” You said one last final goodbye to the Sons, the men that had all become your close friend, and headed back to your house with Chibs.

“I need to finish packing, can you help?” you asked Chibs. You packed pretty much everything in your house except of course the furniture, and your phone charger, toothbrush and hairbrush as you would need them in the morning. You packed the picture of you and Chibs, and the picture of you and the rest of the MC. You wanted them as a reminder of how much you were loved.

The rest of the day was spent with you both curled up on your sofa, just cuddling and reliving old memories. There were lots of tears, laughter, silence and more tears.

“Ye know, I will always love ye lass” Chibs reached out his hand and moved your hair from your eyes. “A have seen a lot of sad stuff, but what am feeling now is the saddest I’ve ever felt in ma life” Chibs was not hiding the fact he was upset anymore. All you could do to answer him was press your tear soaked lips onto his.

“Can we go to bed? I need to feel you against me one last time” Chibs nodded and you stood up and lead him to your shared bedroom which was basically empty besides the bed and a chest of drawers. You slowly undressed, and climbed into bed to wait for your boyfriend. Everything you both did at this point was full of sadness. Chibs gently grabbed your face in his hands and kissed you passionately.

“God am gonna miss these lips” he whispered against them.

“Please make love to me Filip” and he did. He did until the early hours of the morning before you both fell asleep in each others arms.

Your alarm went off at 6am, to indicate you had to get up. You woke up and instantly remembered that this morning was the last time you would ever see your boyfriend. He stirred beside you and opened his eyes and gave you a small smile. You could see he was thinking the same thing. Your flight was at 9am so you needed to leave soon to make it to the airport in plenty of time.

“I’ll drive ye love” Chibs said as he picked up the keys to your car that you drove to Charming in.

“No, if you come with me to the airport, there is a chance I won’t ever get on that plane” He tried to protest but you put your hand up to silence him. “Please, the goodbye is already going to be hard Filip, just let me drive myself” you pleaded with him. He reluctantly agreed.

“Again, thank you for the last 2 years, they really have been amazing” Chibs said as he pulled you into him for one last hug. “A know ye will kick ass in New York, and am really proud of ye”.

With one last final squeeze, one last final kiss, and one last final ‘I love you’ and a lot of tears you picked up your bags and suitcase and your car keys and left the man you have shared your left with for the last 2 years, the man you fell in love with, the man who owned your heart standing at the door heartbroken. Before you drove off, you turned to look at him and blew him a kiss, before leaving your past behind. Even though your heart was broken and the tears wouldn’t stop falling, a part of you was excited for the new chapter of your life.

#chibs telford x reader #chibs telford #filip telford #sons of anarchy #chibs telford fanfic

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