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#it's a whole moment. simon z is a whole moment
dolokhoded · 6 months
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simon zealotes you are in my thoughts
#i've been thinking of that guy today. and like . his first days with the rest of the disciples#and him sort of trying to adjust to living in normal circumstances 💀#well. normal.#not normal but different abnormal circumstances#susanna getting his braids off when he decides he's not going back. i've been thinking abt that a lot.#so far i've only ever drawn him with natural hair but while he was a zealot he had to have it braided. it's a hc i have.#for convenience purposes but also just because well.#non black zealots were definitely normal about him !#my simon z is mixed. his father was from canaan his mother was ethopian. clearly he wasn't meant to be born mother died at birth father#tried to raise the child as jewish as he possibly could to ignore the existence of the african mother#worked out great for him he became a zealot#anyways. whatever. didn't have any actual connection to his ethiopian heritage until he met susanna#it's a whole moment. simon z is a whole moment#oh and there's also the. stabbing big james that's how i hc they met him sort.of#simon witnesses a miracle and panics. i havent decided which one yet i'll figure it out#he runs away and you cant exactly just leave the zealots so he's hiding out somewhere relatively near jesus' disciples' camp by chance#he spots the camp and mans hungry so once the disciples all go about their business and leave someone to watch over he tries to steal food#to his luck its big james who's stayed behind and he's both impulsive and agressive so when he spots the guy with the knife trying to steal#from them he punches him in the face.#and look. simon feels threatened. he's a trained zealot. he has a knife on him. it's a reflex can you really blame him ???#anyways he didnt actually mean to stab that guy and he /was/ just stealing their food so idk call it his own conscience call it the power o#jesus he stays and helps him. when jesus gets back he's like 'ah yes a knife guy exactly what's been missing from this team's dynamic'#james is currently bleeding on the floor and he's like nahhh its cool hes funny ! john is panicking and crying. at least two people suggest#they trade matthew for him. matthew hears zealot and starts hyperventilating because he's 88% sure he's going to get murdered in his sleep#(they dont tell simon about matthew's former occupation for like. at least two months more)#it's a vibe !
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scribbledghost · 21 days
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Hello there!! I just wanted to gush about the NSFW Fem!Simon alphabet, because it was so awesome!! I'm infatuated with the whole piece, but if I had to pick my favorite letters they were probably A (for Aftercare), F (for favorite position), and Z (for snoozing afterwards.) I really find it interesting how, despite the topic being steamy, there's still some areas to dive more into fem!Simon's character (like, i.e., her becoming less sexually active after her experience in Mexico.) I find it super cool how you're able to give us a peek into her character from a more unique perspective, in this case with fem!Simon's dynamic with sex.
And then, there was something I was curious about. If I can phrase my thought correctly, it's my curiosity on what fem!Simon might have in common with canon!Simon, as well as what differs between them. For example, while rereading the fem!Simon works, I was going through the one about her first kiss with reader (which I'll link here because it's super stinking cute and sweet: https://scribbledghost.tumblr.com/post/746033214969315328/omg-i-love-mas-muscled-and-im-literally-so-in)
There's a couple of lines there that would be really fitting with canon!Simon's devotion towards reader. Like, for example: "Hell, she’d walk outside, lie face-down in the water, and let you tread on her back all the way to the truck if you asked her to. But that’s a different matter." And, additionally: "For a moment, she contemplates telling you the truth - that she likes holding you, likes taking care of you, and likes showing off her strength (purely because she knows you like her showing off) - but she reconsiders."
But then, there's the blurb you did about fem!Simon being ecstatic about reader calling her wife. And, in the tags, you were talking about how canon!Simon would be allergic to marriage for a few years while fem!Simon is more eager. So, I'm just curious, how similar do you think fem!Simon is to canon!Simon? And what are some key differences between them?
(I also apologize for A) making this a mini-essay with the length and B) any mistakes... I'm sleep deprived and typing this at 5:00 in the morning so it's probably not my most coherent ask lol.)
okay, i am super sorry it's taken me so long to answer this! I've been super busy while on vacation this week, but I've finally got some downtime and I've been thinking about this ask since I got it. so here we go!
First, I'm so glad to hear you like the smut alphabet! It was super fun to write (and I promise I'm still working on that SFW version). I love digging into characters' personalities and stories, so those alphabet memes are perfect for that. For Fem!Simon's relationship with sex, I headcanon her as being incredibly closeted until maybe her early 20s due to her upbringing (her father was super abusive, and she's always been a tomboy even before coming to terms with being a butch lesbian, so there was plenty of homophobia coming from her dad too). From there, she had a few flings, but after she was tortured and assaulted in Mexico, she stopped all of that. I know sexual trauma can also manifest in hypersexuality, but I just don't see it happening that way for Simon. Instead I see her withdrawing from it completely for a while (until she meets you).
As for similarities and differences between Fem!Simon and Canon Simon, I'd honestly see them as mostly similar. For example, they're both incredibly loyal and devoted once you get past their emotional walls, like you mentioned with the quotes from the first kiss blurb for Fem!Simon. They've largely got the same backstory, with the only alterations being in how their sexualities shaped them differently. Her personality is largely the same as well - stern, blunt, and has no problem with being mean when the situation calls for it.
For differences, I think Fem!Simon is only slightly (and I mean VERY slightly) more open than canon Simon is. She's still incredibly stoic, cold, and closed-off if she doesn't know you well, but if she's romantically interested in you, she'll make her move a bit sooner than canon Simon would. She still takes time to feel you out, so to speak. She keeps an eye on you, takes mental notes of your mannerisms and how you handle certain situations to make sure you're compatible. She's analytical, just like canon Simon. But once she's sure, she's sure.
And as far as marriage goes, she's more open to it than canon Simon is purely because it was illegal for most of her life (same-sex marriage didn't become legalized in the UK until 2014). So even once she'd come to terms with her being a lesbian, there was a decent amount of time where she wouldn't have been allowed to marry anyway, so it was... idk, "safer for her to want it", I suppose. Now that it's legal, she's already moved past her mental blocks on the issue.
I think those are the more obvious differences between Fem!Simon and Canon!Simon? Largely, I think everything else is either mostly or completely the same between the two.
Again, thank you SO MUCH for this ask and for letting me dive more into Fem!Simon's personality!! I appreciate it a lot 💖💖💖
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loafandfish · 1 year
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Quick headcanon request: Philip, Thaddeus, Andrew, Simon Z, Big James, Nathaniel, and John reacting to you being in labor 😚 or if you don't want that, surprise me with a shirt and happy headcanon!
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Philip: Not only is this man excellent with children, but he is also an amazing person to have by your side. At least for the first half. He’d be very similar to Thaddeus but with more energy and some jokes sprinkled on every so often. As the pain gets worse for you, his anxiety starts to settle in. He’d wonder if you were okay and if this was normal? What if it isn’t? Ah yes, cue the overthinking. But his mood swing wouldn’t keep him from giving you all the kisses you wanted.
Thaddeus: Strangely enough I headcanon he grew up in a house of older sisters who all have kids, so he knows more than most men. He’d whisper comforting words, hold your hand, press a cold cloth to your head, literally whatever you needed. Imagine the perfect man in a situation like this. That’s him. That’s Thaddeus. He’d even sing to you if you wanted him to. I have no idea if he can sing but he’d do it in a heartbeat. Anything to make this experience as comfortable as possible for you, he’d already be doing.
Andrew: Ohhhhh boy Andrew would be freaking out more than you. He’d be right by your side the entire time, refusing to leave. Still, you’d have to stay strong for him or else he might faint. Man’s got a bad case of the nervous bouncy leg. Also pacing. A lot of pacing. He’d be offering you water and food more often than you needed it. He just had to make sure that you and the baby would be alright. Oh there would be many tears. Stressed out tears, happy tears, all kinds of tears. When it’s over and you go home with your new child, get ready to be snuggled for the next week.
Simon Z: Calm and collected as per usual. I mean the guy was a literal Zealot so I think he can handle almost anything without too many nerves. He’d be more clingy that usual during the process and his already overprotective nature will be multiplied. Midwife says he should wait outside? Haha absolutely not, he is not moving from your bedside. Zee isn’t a physical touch kind of guy but the second your in pain it suddenly becomes his love language. Teaching your hair behind your ears, forehead kisses, just resting his head next to yours. He is clingy now.
Big James: You’re probably with Salome when it happens and she immediately calls for James, accidentally alerting the whole family. Zebedee and John get there, but for a moment James is nowhere to be found. Suddenly, the door is nearly blown of his hinges and without stopping, James picks you up and runs you to the nearest person who can help. If the door is locked he will break it down. Unlike most people, there’s no room for nervousness in his excited state. He’s bounding off the walls like a child who ate too much sugar.
Nathaniel: He would be cool and collected on the outside, but freaking out on the inside. Also excited. VERY excited. He’s been waiting for a child for 9 months, so he’s probably a tad bit impatient to finally meet his kid. He’d promise to finally build that dream home you two wanted, describing it in detail to you to distract you. This child was going to grow up in the most beautiful place. The first thing he would say when he realizes what’s happening would probably be “Finally! It took long enough.”
John: He gets excited, then panics, then gets excited again. Either you or Salome will have to slap him out of his freakout session. He’d be holding your hand for the whole time, and probably have to bite his lip from screaming when you squeeze his hand too tightly. Yeah he’d definitely cry a bit. Both out of happiness and nerves which he isn’t as good as concealing as James is. Also John would have to help the midwife kick his family out of the room. Bro Salome and Zebedee just want grandkids so bad.
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freifraufischer · 2 years
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Let’s talk about Gymnastics Fans and what I’ve started to describe as fan fiction...
Women’s artistic gymnastics is a highly gendered sport and the fan spaces are often dominated by women (as opposed to the less “fan” driven spaces that are more about the male gaze).  As someone who spent her entire adult life in a world where writing fan fiction was normal and “what if’s” or “fix it” fan fiction that runs counter to an official cannon are staples of the format I feel somewhat embarrassed to admit that I failed to see the same themes in gymnastics fandom about real people.
This post is not to be confused with Real Person Fan Fiction which is a whole other thing, but rather very strongly held sometimes parasocial beliefs about an athlete and their capabilities or future prospects in the face of direct contradictory evidence.
The two strongest cases right now that I would identify are Simone Biles and Jade Carey of the United States, though I think that there is also a fair bit of parasocial rationalization around Angelina Melnikova particularly last winter to try and justify the idea that she was secretly anti-war.  Most of that died down when she showed up in public with a fetching purse with the pro war Z on it.
Biles and Carey’s narratives are different but I think a key point in common is that while Carey came away from Tokyo with an Olympic Gold Medal she also had a scary moment in the vault final when she was at least a major contender to win.  So we have the first ingredient in these fan narratives: fix what went wrong in Tokyo with a redemptive trip to Paris.
For Biles, other than the general parasocial fans that any entertainment or sports star gains during their career, the elements of the narrative rest in being the greatest of all time who doesn’t need to prove herself to anyone (certainly not team selectors) and that USAG would of course bed over backwards to pass her along at her own pace in this process.  The current narrative floating around seems to be that she is casually going into the gym that her family owns to keep up her endurance and cardio and will seriously begin training again after her wedding in the summer of 2023.  Some versions see her going to 2023 Worlds as a vault and floor specialist before working her way up to adding more events through 2024 until she’s ready to take the Paris AA.  
No amount of pointing out that World Champion Center, the gym her parents own, is a 52,000 square foot facility and there are a LOT of people in and out of it at least some of which would be happy to spread the gossip that she’s back.  No amount of pointing out the basic reality that Olympic athletes lose market value for sponsorships as soon as they officially retire.  The response to that is that Simone is so great and so famous that she doesn’t have to worry about that.  
When her coach Cecile Landi said that Simone had stopped off in the gym “to say hi” that wasn’t evidence that she wasn’t training.  That was evidence that Cecile was protecting her so she could announce in her own time.  Cecile herself plays a big part in the narrative construction of a Simone return to glory in Paris given that she is a French olympian.  Not withstanding that there is a very good chance that one or more of Cecile’s other athletes will make that 2024 Olympic team so there is no need for Simone to be the vehicle to make that dream come true for her.
The overall themes though are that Simone is such an unparalleled talent that she would easily beat out gymnasts who have been working the entire quad towards this goal with minimal training all so that she can prove the haters wrong.
There is a subset of this fan fiction, which I believe has been sparked by the host of a major gymnastics podcast, that Simone could compete for the country of Belize which she holds duel citizenship through her mother.  None of the practicalities or fall out from such a switch are ever discussed.  
The Jade Carey narrative is different.  The way I’d describe it is that Jade Carey’s life is as close as one could get to one of those Disney-tween movies about a gifted girl discovered by an Olympic coach playing around in a local gym and asked to go to the Olympics.  Now, the reality is still impressive, Carey was a level 10 gymnast (the highest non elite status in the US) and in the track to get a college scholarship when she was spotted by then developmental director Valeri Liukin and asked to national team camp because of her particular skills at vault and tumbling.
She was, though this has changed when she got to college somewhat, painfully shy and awkward.  Oh and she can’t dance.  To the point that she is for some people the epitome of the nightmare of the open code of modern gymnastics.  Someone who won an Olympic gold medal on floor with stilted movements and the lowest non-fall execution score ever recorded in the Olympic floor final.
Even her fans call her a gentle robot.
Because of a particular process for Olympic qualification in the Tokyo quad she was able to qualify for the Olympics outside of the traditional team route.  Her father (who is also her coach) was seen to have brilliantly played the rules of this process to his benefit though the reality of that is a bit messier.  Some fans have interpreted this as an end run around the despised US gymnastics federation and have never seemed to understand that she wouldn’t have been able to go this individual route without the blessing of the US gymnastics federation.
Because of the particular system for the Tokyo Olympics any gymnast who wished to do the All Around there could do so.  There was no coach or federation to prevent it and Carey did the AA.  She’s got passible uneven bars but Jade treats the balance beam like she is afraid of it and her routines there were a problem for her.  Simone Biles withdraw though got her into the Olympic AA final and she finished a very respectable 8th given a beam fall.
She has continued elite and many fans have clung to the idea of her as an All Around gymnast despite the fact that the Tokyo Olympic system no longer exists and the sport’s code of points has moved in a direction to punish a gymnast exactly like Carey (as if she and Simone Biles might have been exactly the people the people writing the rules had in mind).  
I believe that Jade, as a pretty white girl who is just shy enough to project whatever you want onto her, is being used as a self insert for many gym fans.  The shy girl who is plucked from nowhere to go to the Olympics, who with her father outsmarted the evil abusive bureaucracy, and now will become world champion.
Now the fact that this narrative is often achieved by downplaying the many young black women who finish ahead of her in the US all around is never brought up.  For instance newly minted US national champion Konnor McClain’s potential upgrades are questioned (she’s said to be training an Amanar vault) but the fact that Carey hasn’t competed at her previous difficulty is just “pacing” because domestic meets don’t matter to her or her father.  In other words, the four athletes who finished ahead of her at US nationals this year were competing at their limit but of course Carey would never do that.
And that highlights the ugly side of both these narratives.  Not only do they diminish the rest of the field they are competing against, but in Simone’s case it ignores one of the key lessons of Tokyo, that far too much pressure was placed on her with the assumption that she would always win.  For Carey it’s the fact that a bunch of people in this fandom have looked at a sea of largely BIPOC top US athletes and clung to the the pretty white girl and in order to elevate her potential have to downplay the others.
[I have lots of other thoughts about Carey as a gymnast in the 2024 code of points and particularly narratives about her father, but in case anyone is upset this post is not about her anymore than it is about Simone.  It is about the way fans talk about them.]
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skybirdfood · 2 years
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Jay z 444
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A day later, the Charlotte Hornets drafted a 17-year-old Bryant, only to send him to Los Angeles in return for Vlade Divac. Reasonable Doubt, the corner-boy manifesto and classic hip-hop debut, arrived on June 25, 1996. But it spared JAY-Z.īryant and JAY, despite nine years separating them, came into the public’s eye together. Rap was never given the chance to heal from those wounds - Biggie, Tupac - it helped create. With his wife, Beyoncé, and his sister-in-law, Solange, using their last albums for their most personal work, it’s no surprise 4:44 unmasks itself as JAY at his emotional and creative zenith. The desire has been for him to curb the flaunting of luxuries and come with the real on what it’s like to be one of the most successful people in the world - and also one of its most haunted.īut the writing had been on the wall. It’s the project fans and critics have clamored for, for years: the authentic Jay Z. Off the rip, though, this is the greatest rapper of all time stripping himself down to essentials. Yet, where 4:44 will land in the rankings of JAY-Z’s catalog is a question better left for time. But in the end it is JAY’s inward glimpse of himself - the man he was, the man he’s become, the man he grew to partially hate - that separates this album from his previous bodies of work. Without No I.D.’s soulful backdrops (inspired by the likes of Stevie Wonder, Donny Hathaway, Nina Simone, Kool & The Gang and more), 4:44 might lack the emotional connection it not only thrives on but quite literally survives on. No I.D.’s music is more than just “beats,” or instrumentals. Ernest “No I.D.” Wilson, who produced JAY’s 2009 “ Run This Town” and “ Death of Autotune,” as well as 2007’s “ Success,” among others, is the album’s lone producer, and he is irreplaceable. The 10-track 4:44 is the most emotionally taxing project of JAY’s ( he’s back to all caps) career. But for one night, the music universe revolved around JAY-Z, the sport’s finest elder statesman, with the release of his 13th studio album, 4:44. I am not soul purist, and I enjoy many forms of classical and popular music.These moments don’t happen. I quite frequently write and/or record feature vocals for a variety of other artists - soul, house, electro swing, pop, whatever. Plus… you would literally have to be living under a rock in the middle of the desert to have missed JAY-Z’s stuff, right? For sure, I would be happy to work with other artists. It’s not top of my listening list but it’s definitely played a part in my playlist for a long time. That was quite a day for us all! Nobody could have prepared me for that.ĭo you usually listen to rap? Even thought about recording with MCs? If so, who do you want to team up with? We all knew about the “story” at the same time the rest of the world found out on June 30. I didn’t even know it was the title track. I had literally no idea about the story behind the song or the story behind being his vehicle to write the song.
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How does it feel to be part of something like that? And of course, you play a big part of this, providing the voice that inspired him. No ID said that he did the track that way so he could box Jay into openly talking about those feelings. “4:44” not only is the best song in the album, but also one of the greatest songs by JAY-Z in his whole career. 1 Album on Billboard 200 Chart With '4:44'
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He didn’t use the additional versions in the end which I am really pleased about as it shows that the original track totally speaks for itself. So I went straight home and called him from my tiny rented house in Winchester and… that was it. Please let me know when you are available for a quick chat.
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To my absolute shock and disbelief, I had missed calls from a U.S. We were nearly home when I thought to check my phone and let my husband know to come and pick me up. I was on a coach on the way home from the Cathedral’s Group choir festival with about 50 students from the music department I run at the University of Winchester. Z called me 48 hours later to ask if he could have the sessions from our studio recording and to re-record some alternate permutations of the chorus lyrics in case he wanted to diversify from the implied meaning in the original. I was convinced when my drummer and manager Jai called me to tell me “to expect a phone call from JAY-Z” that it was some elaborate wind-up. You had one of the greatest rappers calling you personally. Most of the time, when a big rapper wants to sample a song, the whole thing is handled by agents, managers, A&Rs, that kind of stuff. Nothing makes me want to dance more than those fast, complex polyrhythms. I have to confess that I am not enormously experienced in Brazilian music, but I do know that I love samba. Do you like anything from Brazilian music?
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Just Two Things: A Young Royals Fix-It Fic
His mama had stood over him as she began talking. Wilhelm could hardly focus; the vision of the video (his video, his and Simon’s video, the video of Simon) burned into his brain on a constant loop. She hadn't asked him if he was alright, not yet, but he had stopped expecting her to early on in life. Duty first, he guessed, as usual. She pulled away and off the bed, rattled off the words about the interview he’ll do to protect the royal family et cetera, et cetera.
“I don’t want you to see Simon for the time being,” she said, and he glanced up, suddenly feeling like his world is fell away underneath him. He wished Erik were here, that Erik was still alive. If he were, then maybe this would all go away. He doubted any of it could now.
--
August brought him dinner that night when he’s too exhausted to even leave his bed. He said that Erik would want Wille to be himself - but how is August so sure of what Erik would want him to do to fix this, to just get this whole shitshow over with, when the only person who knows that is six feet under.
“Follow your heart, really.” August said. “Follow your heart.”
If anything his heart only thought of two things at the moment. One is the crumpled up rage he feels that’s been broiling under his skin since he saw the video; the screaming, panicked wild thing that wants to shout at the world and watch it shouts back until no part of him remains, no crown prince, nothing.
The other part of his brain thought of Simon. Holding him, soft and warm until his skin, kissing his neck and inhaling as much of him as possible. Kissing him, kissing Simon, an exhilarating feeling he can’t describe, he won’t ever be able to describe. Almost all of the girls he had kissed had kissed gently and slowly, like they were afraid he would disappear right next to them. It always felt like he was being kissed by air, a ghostly possession that was over in a second and just as uncomfortable.
He would have thought that Simon would kiss like that, he had thought Simon would kiss like that, Simon had kissed like that, before they really truly got to know one another. Now, Simon kissed hard and rough, like he knew Wilhelm wouldn’t disappear but just as quick, aware he couldn’t have him by himself ever. Simon’s kiss had the edge of sandpaper, tough grit and fine smoothness rolled into one. Simon kissed for the sake of it, like there was so much he wanted to do to Wille, do with Wille, that he simply couldn’t function enough to do anything but kiss him. Wille fell asleep soon after that, dinner discarded. He wondered if the last time they would ever kiss would be the time that caused both of him to want to recoil from society and away from the world. A part of him hoped so.
The nail on his thumb was raw and bleeding.
--
As he walked through Hillerska, everyone stared at him in pity. He was used to the stares, used to the way his simple presence shut up people around until all they could do was give him a dumb look. It was pity that was new to him, but he tried not to focus on that as Malin rushed with him to his first class of the day. He knew the things they were saying, drove himself insane as he googled himself over and over again, watching Sweden’s trending page unravel until it felt like it was all over. He watched as Simon walked into their classroom, turning heads for once in his life. Once except for the amount of times he had his, of course. He mindlessly made small talk with his classmate, but all he could think of were two things.
After class he rushed into the locker room to talk to Simon. He looked sullen, his features that were generally framed in a light source of their own were moody and dark, an awkward, ill fitting portrait. He wanted to kiss it all away. Instead, kicked at Simon’s foot, hooking the two into a game of footsie.
“What the hell are we going to do?” Simon asked, wrapping his hands around Wilhelm’s, as if he had any of the answers. Breaking news, he didn’t. All he could do was sit in silence and hold Simon, it felt like the only thing he could do. Unless…
“They’ve asked me to deny it was me in that video.” He could barely get the words out.
“Serious?”
Wille hummed, unable to interpret that reaction. “They want me to make a statement at the castle on Saturday.”
Simon turned, his head moving off of Wille's shoulder in a way that feels entirely unwelcome. Put that back please. Wille had realized that he could only really function anymore in Simon’s arms. As if he wasn’t touch starved enough, but Simon was hot and didn’t mind so it didn’t really matter. “But you’re not going to do it, right?”
“I don’t want to say anything.” Simon doesn’t get it, but Wilhelm doesn’t expect him too; too impossible to explain.
“But, Wille, everyone can see that it’s me in that video,” Wille groaned. He had forgotten that slightly important detail. Simon continued, “What am I supposed to do? But no matter what, they can’t dictate what you say,” Yes, they absolutely can, they’ve done it before.
We haven’t done anything wrong.” He had forgotten that too, spending so much time yesterday going over consequences and contingencies ranging from plan A to Z it made his head bled. But no one had actually told him that they hadn’t done anything wrong. Not even August, with his love is love attitude that came out of nowhere. Not even fucking him.
--
Mama had been waiting for him. Mama had met Simon. She never looked twice at Wilhelm, veiled disdain souring her mouth as she stared out the window.
“What? Why can’t I just have a relationship with him? And not say anything. Just live a normal life.” He knows why. He just wants to hear her say it.
“You’re the crown prince.” And there’s the world crashing back down onto him. “And that’s a privilege, not a punishment.” It’s both actually, but whatever, mama.
“Yes, but I didn’t ask for this!” Erik should be here. Erik would know what to do.
“Well, nobody has ever, ever asked for this,” his mama shot back. He feels like a little kid again, feels like biting his thumb raw. “You’re the only one who can take over the throne after Erik. Don’t you understand that?” He wished she would just look at him.
“You’re so young. When you’re young love feels like the most important thing in the world. When I was your age, I too had an unfortunate romance.” He wants to laugh or cry or release that panicked, clawed, anxious feeling that’s always been trapped underneath his chest, beating his heart faster and faster and faster. Unfortunate romance, she said, like Simon isn’t the best thing to happen to him, like Simon wasn’t the only one holding him together, like Simon wasn’t the only real thing in his world.
He snapped back into the conversation.“Is it worth it,” she continued. “If you feel that the attention you’ve been getting so far is unacceptable, it’s nothing compared to what you will endure for the rest of your life. We have a chance to cover this up. I urge you to take this chance. You may not get another.”
With Simon on one shoulder, and his mama and the world on the other, it turns out he was going to make the statement after all. Fucking great.
--
He felt like throwing up, but, to be fair, when hasn’t he.
“Are you ready?” His mama asked, like he could ever be ready to announce to the world, no that definitely was not me in that tape and that boy is definitely not the love of my life, thank you very much.
He dragged his feet, as he went into the room where Rosenqvists sits. Like Mama said, they only have one chance to not fuck this up.
Rosenqvist smiles at Wilhelm, her eyes hawkish. He musters as much of a smile as he can, playing with the buttons on his suit as the photographer directs the two around.
“It’s good to see you again, your highness.”
His eyes darted around the room. He could hear his mama and papa argue in the room they were in
“You too.”
The interview began then, menial questions about his existence that made him want to bite at his thumb. He resisted, knew that if Rosenqvist saw how his anxiety was surging through him like a freight train and mentioned it in her interview, his mama would be more angry then she already was. The questions are simple really, he barely thought about the answers and more about how Erik would have phrased them. Not like Erik would have been in this situation.
“So, Wilhelm, we both know why we’re here.” She smiled apologetically at him. Here we go. “As you are, no doubt, aware of by now there was a video from Hillerska that is going viral of what is rumored to be yourself and another male student,” she paused for a moment, uncomfortable with the what she’s about to say to a boy she’d been interviewing for most of his life, “being intimate. What do you have to say about these rumors, Crown Prince Wilhelm?” She’s less probing, then. He can tell his mom already prepped her on how exactly this interview needed to go. Fuck.
“That’s not-” his words got stuck in his throat.
“That’s not you in the video?” She filled, looking more and more saddened with each word, more maternal that he thinks he’s seen anyone in his entire life. He wanted to nod, wanted to do what his mama wanted for him, wanted to listen to what she feels is best for their country, because it is theirs now, isn’t it? Erik is dead and gone and never coming back no matter how much Wilhelm wishes he had been able to keep him alive. Wilhelm doesn’t exactly know much about what it takes to be king, not like Erik did, but he’s pretty sure a leaked tape is one thing a king is not supposed to have on his record. Wilhelm should want to deny the rumors, so why does it feel like every time he tries to open his mouth that it’s filled with cotton, that panicked wild thing grabbing hold of his brain and shaking it like his snowglobe. It’s begging him to choose the path of least resistance. And then there was Simon. Simon with his pretty soft voice and his even softer lips. Simon with his kind eyes and hands and just Simon, Simon, Simon. Simon, who has already been broken by the video and if Wilhelm denies their relationship then he’ll only break more. The only things he can think about. Just two things. Two things he can’t seem to choose between.
He took a deep breath. Erik would have wanted him to follow his heart, would have said that that would be how he becomes a great king. By being kind and good, and wholly himself.
He chose.
--
Simon’s mama shouts for a rematch as he laughed into his snack.
Ayub tensed next to him, “Oh, shit.”
“What’s up?” Simon asked, confused. Did his dad ask him to go home or something?
Instead, Ayub read from his phone: an online copy of this week’s Göteborgs-Posten screenshotted and reposted to Twitter. “The Crown Prince addresses rumors of Viral Video.”
“What?” He could have sworn Willie had said he wouldn’t do the interview. His mom and Sara exchange glances.
Ayub read on, “While the Royal Court denies rumors that the Crown Prince appears in the video that has gone viral this past week, his royal highness Prince Wilhelm goes more in depth on his time at Hillerska and the events surrounding the video. He says, ‘I started at Hillerska to focus on my studies and have kept to that.’ At this moment, the prince pauses and grows quiet.
‘That’s not the entire truth. The truth is that that is me in the video. I do not know who took it or why but the facts remain the same. There are many people who would want me to not address the rumors surrounding me at this time, and some even would want me to outright deny them, but I disagree. If I am to be king, and no matter what happens from this I will be king, I want to be the kind of king the people can be proud of, the kind of king my brother would have been, and the kind of king that if he saw me he’d be proud of. And that starts by being genuine and being myself to the citizens of Sweden and to the world.’ ‘Everyone should be allowed to live as gay or straight or whatever they want,’ says the Crown Prince. ‘And I suppose the former includes me, but I would still like this time to decide further who I am and what kind of king I will be.’”
Simon is stunned. Of all things, he didn’t think of this as even an option. He fishes his phone out of his pocket.
To Wille: just read the interview, what. the. fuck.
From Wille: Is that a good “what. the. fuck!!!” or a “bad what. the. fuck?!?”
To Wille: you’re so brave, wille, thank you
To Wille: also according to ayub youre trending as “gay king wilhelm” on twitter rn
From Wille: Fuck yeah, bow down to your king. Meet me before school starts tomorrow, courtyard?
To Wille: see you then, gay king willie
As Simon approached the school - having already been stopped by four journalists, three photographers, two nosy neighbors and one blogger - he could see as Wille nervously paced at the edge of the courtyard, his hand rubbed deep into his chest, shirt creasing around it. Simon couldn't even begin to imagine what had happened in the palace after Wille’s interview. From what he saw the queen didn’t really strike him as the accepting type, but that was one of those things he’d let Wille discuss on his own time. He snuck up behind Wille instead, held his arms and kissed his neck.
“Hello, my prince,” he said and twirled Wille around and into his arms. Wille let out a little sigh of relief and if he could have held Willie there for forever he would. Wille smiles at him and kisses him on the cheek.
“Can we just go one day Simon without having your weird relationship issues making a scene,” Sara huffed past and quickened her pace to the school. Simon hadn’t noticed the stares, it felt like everyone in the courtyard had been watching them from Felice to August to other boarders Simon couldn’t name, but that had definitely called him names. Simon can’t bring himself to care anymore.
“I’m so proud of you, Wille.” Wilhelm let out a little noise, the only amount of negative emotion that being schooled on refinement since before he could talk would allow. He grabbed at Simon’s coat and drew him in for a hug.
“I love you,” Wille said and suddenly Simon’s whole world had shrunk down to three words.
Wille quickly ended the hug and walked towards the school, his bodyguards following quick after. Simon speed walked up to him and grabbed his hand, “I love you too.” Wille broke out into that tiny golden smile Simon loved to tease out and grabbed Simon’s hand.
The stares followed but Simon didn’t care. “Just two things left,” he said, “Get through this last day before break and then find whoever took that video.”
“And then?”
“I haven’t gotten that far yet,”
Wille hummed and played with Simon’s as they settled at the doorway of their first class of the day, “You might want to work on your plans.”
“No, my plan only needs those two things.” Simon messied with Wilhelm’s hair and strolled into the classroom.
Wille followed after one hand fixing his hair, the other clutching at Simon’s hand, muttering, “Just two things?”
Just two things.
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safflowerseason · 2 years
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veep podcast reflections
I’ve made it through the first seven episodes of the pod—which includes the appearances by Tony Hale, Reid Scott, and Anna Chlumsky—so I feel like I’ve listened enough to have an opinion about it (if anyone else is actually listening to this podcast…if you are out there and actually listening/watching, please stop by my inbox.) 
It’s aggressively fine. Nothing groundbreaking, but a reasonably enjoyable listen. The hosts are clearly professionals at being funny, and of course there’s plenty of lovely and entertaining behind-the-scenes information. I do hope they bring Armando Iannucci on (and I imagine they are trying to get JLD on as well, but she is of course very busy). It’s interesting to note the different interpersonal dynamics between various combinations of cast members. It’s also *very* obvious why Tim Simons jumped on the celebrity rewatch podcast craze…he’s a total fandom nerd! (I say this with great respect) He loves thinking about his favorite tv shows, he is clearly very Internet savvy, and he’s interested in politics, so it makes sense to me that he feels like the driving force behind this podcast. (it is very clear now that Tim Simons is absolutely the kind of person who would go look up fanfiction about the show he was on--which, btw, professional writers are legally prohibited from doing, but I guess actors aren’t.) 
I like each episode opening with a recording of a political gaffe, and the trivia game has surprisingly not been as annoying as I normally find these cheesy bits. I don’t *love* the strict scene-by-scene recap of each week’s episode…it leads to interesting conversations and anecdotes, I guess, but too often we also get stuck on banal chatter like “okay what happens next? oh right yes, then Selina goes into her office and closes the door, and Gary and Sue have a conversation about X Y Z which was really funny because A B C” interspersed with all the “ums” and “ahs” of live speech. (Maybe this is a Kast Media thing, because they also do it on the OC Bitches podcast). Maybe there isn’t a good way to recap a tv episode scene by scene on air, though, especially if you aren’t going to air audio or video clips. 
I have two qualms/issues with the pod, one kind of nitpicky, and the other more serious. First, I wish they talked more about the relationships between the different characters. Not just Dan and Amy—although obviously if this were MY podcast there would be a weekly segment on that front—but Selina and Amy, Selina and Dan, Selina and Gary…most of the “big” moments in each episode get dissected on a comedic and political front, but not necessarily on a narrative front…usually it’s the guests who end up providing insight on character relationships, like Anna Chlumsky talking about Amy’s relationship with Selina in the context of the fake miscarriage scene. (I can’t help but find it…interesting that the first mention of Dan and Amy’s particular *thing* came from one of the guests, Pete Grosz, who played Sidney Purcell—his episode was great). Maybe this will change as we move into the later seasons, though, since in S1 a lot of the character groundwork is still being laid. 
My second, bigger qualm has to do with the podcast’s emphasis—mainly via Tim Simons, it has to be said—on the “progression” or “journey” of the show’s characters toward their worst S7 versions. The words “nihilism” and “dark” have been thrown around quite a bit in relation to where the characters end up. Usually at least once an episode Simons will point out a moment or character action and say something like “I feel like here you get a sense of just how dark/Machiavellian/crazy/evil this character can go” and sort of frame it like a “preview” of the later season (S7 in particular clearly feels separate to the cast compared to the others). Like Amy’s deal with O’Brien in Episode 4 was framed that way, as well as multiple Selina moments, and in one episode Walsh and Simons had a whole debate about whether or not Selina was showing actual remorse for a gaffe she committed compared to later seasons when she wouldn’t even care. There’s a lot of talk about how Selina is still trying to honor the agreements and exchanges she makes with other politicians in a way that obviously disappears in S7.
While I understand, obviously, the impulse to look at the show as a whole and examine all the different character arcs over the course of the seasons…the difference between the early seasons of the show versus the later seasons is not strictly a question of good vs bad vs mad and powerhungry. Sure, some pretty dark shit happens in S7, but early in S1 we have Amy making a deal with a white supremacist, which is pretty damn dark too! It’s not about the “scale” of all the different morally gray/Machiavellian political calculations that are made by the characters (although I can see why some people might try and frame it that way). It’s about how the whole entire ingredients and structure of the show’s political and interpersonal worlds changed so completely, a totally different approach to plot and narrative. It’s about how in S1 even the smallest decision by Selina had political stakes and in S7 all the action took place in a vacuum with no consequences. 
So, that’s kind of frustrating, and I’m not necessarily looking forward to when they get David Mandel on, because I imagine it will just be using Trump to explain everything different about his approach to the show. But there’s a few seasons to go until we get there, thank goodness. 
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bananaofswifts · 3 years
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When award-winning cinematographer Rodrigo Prieto started working on the video for “Willow” with Taylor Swift in November, he didn’t know that it was a part of her new surprise album, Evermore.
“I thought maybe it was a video for the previous album,” he tells Rolling Stone. “I didn’t even know what the song was at our first meeting.”
Prieto wasn’t the only one in the dark about the new record; Swift dropped Evermore last week with a very similar rollout to her previous LP Folklore, complete with a self-directed music video released at midnight along with the album: “Willow.” The video serves as a narrative continuation of the story in the “Cardigan” music video — which Prieto also worked on — featuring a ton of visual references to tracks from Folklore.
“Willow” starts off in the same cabin where the “Cardigan” video left off, and Swift is once again beckoned to go inside her magical, time-and-space-traveling piano. She follows a golden string (referencing the Folklore song “Invisible String”) and arrives at an autumnal forest clearing under a willow tree, where she sees the reflection of a man (played by her tour dancer Taeok Lee) and a woman in a moonlit pool. The string later leads her to a scene from her childhood, a carnival tent party where she performs inside a glass box, and a wintery seance in the middle of the forest. Eventually, the string leads her back to the cabin where she reunites with Lee.
As with the “Cardigan” video, Swift, Prieto and the production team not only had to keep the shoot under wraps, but also find innovative ways to film the project under Covid-19 safety protocols without endangering the lives of the crew. Prieto spoke to Rolling Stone about the production this time around, and how the team brought Swift’s witchy vision for “Willow” to life.
How did the “Willow” shoot differ from “Cardigan”? It looks like you guys were able to have other actors on set this time around, but how did that change the safety measures you had to follow?
It was still very, very strict. A big part of it was the whole testing protocols, which we also did last time. But when we were doing this video, we knew more [about the virus], and the safety guidelines were more specific. We followed the same ones the DGA has done, that my union Local 600 has done, SAG — they’ve all put in place these protocols that we did follow, and were very careful about it.
For instance, in the scene with the choreography around the tree and the clearing, you know, with a sort of dance around these magical orbs, there was a limit on how many actors and dancers we could have there. That was created by visual effects, actually — they added in more dancers. I think the actual number was 10 dancers when we were filming, and they all have masks on, actually. We can’t see their faces, and that’s partly because they have masks.
There’s only really one moment, in the cabin, where she’s in close contact with [another actor], with the man that she’s been missing at all these different moments. But, of course, both were tested, and they’d only take off their masks in the moment where we’re actually shooting. Everyone else would always wear masks on. And similar to last time, anybody who was in the immediate vicinity of the scene had to have a red wristband — it was all color-coded, in terms of who could be close to the scene and the actors. And certainly, it was very important to have not only a mask, but a face shield whenever we were anywhere close to Taylor or any of the other actors or dancers.
I still used the remote camera on a crane, so there wasn’t even a camera operator close to anybody. We were still following all the guidelines very closely, but now, it felt more relaxed in the sense that we have more information. We could just follow all these protocols. And we knew that we’d be safe because it was all pretty strict.
You mentioned last time that communication could sometimes be difficult on the “Cardigan” set because everyone had to kind of yell at each other or point to things since they couldn’t get in close proximity. Was Taylor able to be more hands-on in her directing this time around, like she was while you were shooting the music video for “The Man?”
That was still was the case — especially when you have a mask and a face shield, and you’re six feet away, you have to be a little louder to be heard. So we did maintain that protocol. But she was still very involved. I would stay at my monitor at the DIT [digital imaging technician] station, because it was the best image, but everyone would all be kind of looking at it from a distance, from six feet away.
But there was one moment that was unforgettable. And she actually has mentioned it, which was, just as we were starting to film on November 7th, we got the news of the election result. We were both looking at the monitor at the DIT station, and she got a text alert or something like that. Obviously, at that moment, we were all working on the video, but in the back of our minds we’re all like, OK, what’s gonna happen? And she was the only one who could actually look at her phone, because in fact, everybody had to relinquish their phones in the beginning so that nobody would take photos of anything, except for a few people like myself, who could sometimes use our phone to take a photograph as reference. And I was only using it very, very sporadically for that sort of thing.
So Taylor ended up being the messenger for the election results on set.
Exactly. So, she’s next to me — six feet away, but she was next to me. And she got this text, and she showed it to me. So I learned of the result from her at that moment, and what I told her was, “I will never forget this moment,” both because it’s such a historically important moment and because she was the one who showed me this information, you know. That was pretty special. Yeah. I felt like celebrating and doing a little dance, but I didn’t — we’re professionals and we’re working and also, I wanted to be respectful of anybody who had voted differently. But it was a very incredible moment, and just the beginning of a three-day shoot that turned out to be an adventure.
This video makes so many references to songs on Folklore and older songs from Taylor’s discography, both obvious and hidden. How did she lay out her vision to you?
The first meeting was talking about the story and the ideas. I still didn’t know the song, but the first thing was figuring out that it’s a continuation of the previous one we did together. At that moment, she was still kind of developing her ideas and trying to figure out exactly what was going to happen — for example, the ending wasn’t quite clear yet. She knew that she wanted to finish again in the cabin and that [the man] would be there, right. But during that meeting, we decided to have them both leave the cabin. That was an idea that came to us as we were talking as a team.
And then we went back and forth — at first she thought it should be night outside because it’s always been night, and then she changed her mind and said it should be daytime, so we were like, OK, what does it look like out there? Is it just the limbo? And then Ethan Tobman, our production designer, said it should be this sort of autumn forest. She was very much appreciative of that and really listened to everybody’s ideas.
There was also discussion about that moment in the clearing, about whether it should be a bonfire or not. First of all, with production, we would have had to shoot it outside and that would have been very complicated. But also she felt that, even with special effects, it was not a good thing to show with all the wildfires going on in California. So she came up with the concept of some type of orbs, something more magical, and Ethan Tobman came up with a bunch of different reference photos for that. That was the way we developed these concepts — even with the willow tree, Ethan sent some images and ideas, and one of them had these magenta leaves on the ground, which was weird and magical. Taylor and I loved that. It was that kind of back-and-forth in the pre-production phase, before we even heard the music.
It’s amazing how you were able to pull this off under such complicated circumstances — communicating back-and-forth over Zoom, and then with the actual video shoot itself.
It’s pretty tricky to get such a complicated and really technically challenging shoot off the ground, but we planned it all beforehand. Ethan Tobman was working with his art director Simon Morgan on designing the sets over Zoom. So, it was all overhead plans, and then you have to go to the set and map it out. For that clearing scene, for instance, Simon Morgan and myself, and my gaffer Manny Tapia and my key grip Donald Reynolds, we went to the soundstage first and taped the space in the center where the magic orbs would be. And then we measured the distance to the background with the blue screen, and taped where all the trees would be, and then figured out where all the lighting would be for there and the carnival set — everything had to be very, very precise, and the distance had to all be worked out. It really helped when we were actually shooting, because it went very smoothly. So, that’s how we made it.
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hldailyupdate · 3 years
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Playtime With Harry Styles
THE MEN’S BATHING POND in London’s Hampstead Heath at daybreak on a gloomy September morning seemed such an unlikely locale for my first meeting with Harry Styles, music’s legendarily charm-heavy style czar, that I wondered perhaps if something had been lost in translation.
But then there is Styles, cheerily gung ho, hidden behind a festive yellow bandana mask and a sweatshirt of his own design, surprisingly printed with three portraits of his intellectual pinup, the author Alain de Botton. “I love his writing,” says Styles. “I just think he’s brilliant. I saw him give a talk about the keys to happiness, and how one of the keys is living among friends, and how real friendship stems from being vulnerable with someone.”
In turn, de Botton’s 2016 novel The Course of Love taught Styles that “when it comes to relationships, you just expect yourself to be good at it…[but] being in a real relationship with someone is a skill,” one that Styles himself has often had to hone in the unforgiving klieg light of public attention, and in the company of such high-profile paramours as Taylor Swift and—well, Styles is too much of a gentleman to name names.
That sweatshirt and the Columbia Records tracksuit bottoms are removed in the quaint wooden open-air changing room, with its Swallows and Amazons vibe. A handful of intrepid fellow patrons in various states of undress are blissfully unaware of the 26-year-old supernova in their midst, although I must admit I’m finding it rather difficult to take my eyes off him, try as I might. Styles has been on a six-day juice cleanse in readiness for Vogue’s photographer Tyler Mitchell. He practices Pilates (“I’ve got very tight hamstrings—trying to get those open”) and meditates twice a day. “It has changed my life,” he avers, “but it’s so subtle. It’s helped me just be more present. I feel like I’m able to enjoy the things that are happening right in front of me, even if it’s food or it’s coffee or it’s being with a friend—or a swim in a really cold pond!” Styles also feels that his meditation practices have helped him through the tumult of 2020: “Meditation just brings a stillness that has been really beneficial, I think, for my mental health.”
Styles has been a pescatarian for three years, inspired by the vegan food that several members of his current band prepared on tour. “My body definitely feels better for it,” he says. His shapely torso is prettily inscribed with the tattoos of a Victorian sailor—a rose, a galleon, a mermaid, an anchor, and a palm tree among them, and, straddling his clavicle, the dates 1967 and 1957 (the respective birth years of his mother and father). Frankly, I rather wish I’d packed a beach muumuu.
We take the piratical gangplank that juts into the water and dive in. Let me tell you, this is not the Aegean. The glacial water is a cloudy phlegm green beneath the surface, and clammy reeds slap one’s ankles. Styles, who admits he will try any fad, has recently had a couple of cryotherapy sessions and is evidently less susceptible to the cold. By the time we have swum a full circuit, however, body temperatures have adjusted, and the ice, you might say, has been broken. Duly invigorated, we are ready to face the day. Styles has thoughtfully brought a canister of coffee and some bottles of water in his backpack, and we sit at either end of a park bench for a socially distanced chat.
It seems that he has had a productive year. At the onset of lockdown, Styles found himself in his second home, in the canyons of Los Angeles. After a few days on his own, however, he moved in with a pod of three friends (and subsequently with two band members, Mitch Rowland and Sarah Jones). They “would put names in a hat and plan the week out,” Styles explains. “If you were Monday, you would choose the movie, dinner, and the activity for that day. I like to make soups, and there was a big array of movies; we went all over the board,” from Goodfellas to Clueless. The experience, says Styles, “has been a really good lesson in what makes me happy now. It’s such a good example of living in the moment. I honestly just like being around my friends,” he adds. “That’s been my biggest takeaway. Just being on my own the whole time, I would have been miserable.”
Styles is big on friendship groups and considers his former and legendarily hysteria-inducing boy band, One Direction, to have been one of them. “I think the typical thing is to come out of a band like that and almost feel like you have to apologize for being in it,” says Styles. “But I loved my time in it. It was all new to me, and I was trying to learn as much as I could. I wanted to soak it in…. I think that’s probably why I like traveling now—soaking stuff up.” In a post-COVID future, he is contemplating a temporary move to Tokyo, explaining that “there’s a respect and a stillness, a quietness that I really loved every time I’ve been there.”
In 1D, Styles was making music whenever he could. “After a show you’d go in a hotel room and put down some vocals,” he recalls. As a result, his first solo album, 2017’s Harry Styles, “was when I really fell in love with being in the studio,” he says. “I loved it as much as touring.” Today he favors isolating with his core group of collaborators, “our little bubble”—Rowland, Kid Harpoon (né Tom Hull), and Tyler Johnson. “A safe space,” as he describes it.
In the music he has been working on in 2020, Styles wants to capture the experimental spirit that informed his second album, last year’s Fine Line. With his debut album, “I was very much finding out what my sound was as a solo artist,” he says. “I can see all the places where it almost felt like I was bowling with the bumpers up. I think with the second album I let go of the fear of getting it wrong and…it was really joyous and really free. I think with music it’s so important to evolve—and that extends to clothes and videos and all that stuff. That’s why you look back at David Bowie with Ziggy Stardust or the Beatles and their different eras—that fearlessness is super inspiring.”
The seismic changes of 2020—including the Black Lives Matter uprising around racial justice—has also provided Styles with an opportunity for personal growth. “I think it’s a time for opening up and learning and listening,” he says. “I’ve been trying to read and educate myself so that in 20 years I’m still doing the right things and taking the right steps. I believe in karma, and I think it’s just a time right now where we could use a little more kindness and empathy and patience with people, be a little more prepared to listen and grow.”
Meanwhile, Styles’s euphoric single “Watermelon Sugar” became something of an escapist anthem for this dystopian summer of 2020. The video, featuring Styles (dressed in ’70s-­flavored Gucci and Bode) cavorting with a pack of beach-babe girls and boys, was shot in January, before lockdown rules came into play. By the time it was ready to be released in May, a poignant epigraph had been added: “This video is dedicated to touching.”
Styles is looking forward to touring again, when “it’s safe for everyone,” because, as he notes, “being up against people is part of the whole thing. You can’t really re-create it in any way.” But it hasn’t always been so. Early in his career, Styles was so stricken with stage fright that he regularly threw up preperformance. “I just always thought I was going to mess up or something,” he remembers. “But I’ve felt really lucky to have a group of incredibly generous fans. They’re generous emotionally—and when they come to the show, they give so much that it creates this atmosphere that I’ve always found so loving and accepting.”
THIS SUMMER, when it was safe enough to travel, Styles returned to his London home, which is where he suggests we head now, setting off in his modish Primrose Yellow ’73 Jaguar that smells of gasoline and leatherette. “Me and my dad have always bonded over cars,” Styles explains. “I never thought I’d be someone who just went out for a leisurely drive, purely for enjoyment.” On sleepless jet-lagged nights he’ll drive through London’s quiet streets, seeing neighborhoods in a new way. “I find it quite relaxing,” he says.
Over the summer Styles took a road trip with his artist friend Tomo Campbell through France and Italy, setting off at four in the morning and spending the night in Geneva, where they jumped in the lake “to wake ourselves up.” (I see a pattern emerging.) At the end of the trip Styles drove home alone, accompanied by an upbeat playlist that included “Aretha Franklin, Parliament, and a lot of Stevie Wonder. It was really fun for me,” he says. “I don’t travel like that a lot. I’m usually in such a rush, but there was a stillness to it. I love the feeling of nobody knowing where I am, that kind of escape...and freedom.”
GROWING UP in a village in the North of England, Styles thought of London as a world apart: “It truly felt like a different country.” At a wide-eyed 16, he came down to the teeming metropolis after his mother entered him on the U.K. talent-search show The X Factor. “I went to the audition to find out if I could sing,” Styles recalls, “or if my mum was just being nice to me.” Styles was eliminated but subsequently brought back with other contestants—Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, and Zayn Malik—to form a boy band that was named (on Styles’s suggestion) One Direction. The wily X Factor creator and judge, Simon Cowell, soon signed them to his label Syco Records, and the rest is history: 1D’s first four albums, supported by four world tours from 2011 to 2015, debuted at number one on the U.S. Billboard charts, and the band has sold 70 million records to date. At 18, Styles bought the London house he now calls home. “I was going to do two weeks’ work to it,” he remembers, “but when I came back there was no second floor,” so he moved in with adult friends who lived nearby till the renovation was complete. “Eighteen months,” he deadpans. “I’ve always seen that period as pretty pivotal for me, as there’s that moment at the party where it’s getting late, and half of the people would go upstairs to do drugs, and the other people go home. I was like, ‘I don’t really know this friend’s wife, so I’m not going to get all messy and then go home.’ I had to behave a bit, at a time where everything else about my life felt I didn’t have to behave really. I’ve been lucky to always feel I have this family unit somewhere.”
When Styles’s London renovation was finally done, “I went in for the first time and I cried,” he recalls. “Because I just felt like I had somewhere. L.A. feels like holiday, but this feels like home.”
“There’s so much joy to be had in playing with clothes. I’ve never thought too much about what it means—it just becomes this extended part of creating something”
Behind its pink door, Styles’s house has all the trappings of rock stardom—there’s a man cave filled with guitars, a Sex Pistols Never Mind the Bollocks poster (a moving-in gift from his decorator), a Stevie Nicks album cover. Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams” was one of the first songs he knew the words to—“My parents were big fans”—and he and Nicks have formed something of a mutual-admiration society. At the beginning of lockdown, Nicks tweeted to her fans that she was taking inspiration from Fine Line: “Way to go, H,” she wrote. “It is your Rumours.” “She’s always there for you,” said Styles when he inducted Nicks into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2019. “She knows what you need—advice, a little wisdom, a blouse, a shawl; she’s got you covered.”
Styles makes us some tea in the light-filled kitchen and then wanders into the convivial living room, where he strikes an insouciant pose on the chesterfield sofa, upholstered in a turquoise velvet that perhaps not entirely coincidentally sets off his eyes. Styles admits that his lockdown lewk was “sweatpants, constantly,” and he is relishing the opportunity to dress up again. He doesn’t have to wait long: The following day, under the eaves of a Victorian mansion in Notting Hill, I arrive in the middle of fittings for Vogue’s shoot and discover Styles in his Y-fronts, patiently waiting to try on looks for fashion editor Camilla Nickerson and photographer Tyler Mitchell. Styles’s personal stylist, Harry Lambert, wearing a pearl necklace and his nails colored in various shades of green varnish, à la Sally Bowles, is providing helpful backup (Britain’s Rule of Six hasn’t yet been imposed).
Styles, who has thoughtfully brought me a copy of de Botton’s 2006 book The Architecture of Happiness, is instinctively and almost quaintly polite, in an old-fashioned, holding-open-doors and not-mentioning-lovers-by-name sort of way. He is astounded to discover that the Atlanta-born Mitchell has yet to experience a traditional British Sunday roast dinner. Assuring him that “it’s basically like Thanksgiving every Sunday,” Styles gives Mitchell the details of his favorite London restaurants in which to enjoy one. “It’s a good thing to be nice,” Mitchell tells me after a morning in Styles’s company.
MITCHELL has Lionel Wendt’s languorously homoerotic 1930s portraits of young Sri Lankan men on his mood board. Nickerson is thinking of Irving Penn’s legendary fall 1950 Paris haute couture collections sitting, where he photographed midcentury supermodels, including his wife, Lisa Fonssagrives, in high-style Dior and Balenciaga creations. Styles is up for all of it, and so, it would seem, is the menswear landscape of 2020: Jonathan Anderson has produced a trapeze coat anchored with a chunky gold martingale; John Galliano at Maison Margiela has fashioned a khaki trench with a portrait neckline in layers of colored tulle; and Harris Reed—a Saint Martins fashion student sleuthed by Lambert who ended up making some looks for Styles’s last tour—has spent a week making a broad-shouldered Smoking jacket with high-waisted, wide-leg pants that have become a Styles signature since he posed for Tim Walker for the cover of Fine Line wearing a Gucci pair—a silhouette that was repeated in the tour wardrobe. (“I liked the idea of having that uniform,” says Styles.) Reed’s version is worn with a hoopskirt draped in festoons of hot-pink satin that somehow suggests Deborah Kerr asking Yul Brynner’s King of Siam, “Shall we dance?”
Styles introduces me to the writer and eyewear designer Gemma Styles, “my sister from the same womb,” he says. She is also here for the fitting: The siblings plan to surprise their mother with the double portrait on these pages.
I ask her whether her brother had always been interested in clothes.
“My mum loved to dress us up,” she remembers. “I always hated it, and Harry was always quite into it. She did some really elaborate papier-mâché outfits: She made a giant mug and then painted an atlas on it, and that was Harry being ‘The World Cup.’ Harry also had a little dalmatian-dog outfit,” she adds, “a hand-me-down from our closest family friends. He would just spend an inordinate amount of time wearing that outfit. But then Mum dressed me up as Cruella de Vil. She was always looking for any opportunity!”
“As a kid I definitely liked fancy dress,” Styles says. There were school plays, the first of which cast him as Barney, a church mouse. “I was really young, and I wore tights for that,” he recalls. “I remember it was crazy to me that I was wearing a pair of tights. And that was maybe where it all kicked off!”
Acting has also remained a fundamental form of expression for Styles. His sister recalls that even on the eve of his life-changing X Factor audition, Styles could sing in public only in an assumed voice. “He used to do quite a good sort of Elvis warble,” she remembers. During the rehearsals in the family home, “he would sing in the bathroom because if it was him singing as himself, he just couldn’t have anyone looking at him! I love his voice now,” she adds. “I’m so glad that he makes music that I actually enjoy listening to.”
Styles cuts a cool figure in this black-white-and-red-all-over checked coat by JW Anderson.
Styles’s role-playing continued soon after 1D went on permanent hiatus in 2016, and he was cast in Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk, beating out dozens of professional actors for the role. “The good part was my character was a young soldier who didn’t really know what he was doing,” says Styles modestly. “The scale of the movie was so big that I was a tiny piece of the puzzle. It was definitely humbling. I just loved being outside of my comfort zone.”
His performance caught the eye of Olivia Wilde, who remembers that it “blew me away—the openness and commitment.” In turn, Styles loved Wilde’s directorial debut, Booksmart, and is “very honored” that she cast him in a leading role for her second feature, a thriller titled Don’t Worry Darling, which went into production this fall. Styles will play the husband to Florence Pugh in what Styles describes as “a 1950s utopia in the California desert.”
Wilde’s movie is costumed by Academy Award nominee Arianne Phillips. “She and I did a little victory dance when we heard that we officially had Harry in the film,” notes Wilde, “because we knew that he has a real appreciation for fashion and style. And this movie is incredibly stylistic. It’s very heightened and opulent, and I’m really grateful that he is so enthusiastic about that element of the process—some actors just don’t care.”
“I like playing dress-up in general,” Styles concurs, in a masterpiece of understatement: This is the man, after all, who cohosted the Met’s 2019 “Notes on Camp” gala attired in a nipple-freeing black organza blouse with a lace jabot, and pants so high-waisted that they cupped his pectorals. The ensemble, accessorized with the pearl-drop earring of a dandified Elizabethan courtier, was created for Styles by Gucci’s Alessandro Michele, whom he befriended in 2014. Styles, who has subsequently personified the brand as the face of the Gucci fragrance, finds Michele “fearless with his work and his imagination. It’s really inspiring to be around someone who works like that.”
The two first met in London over a cappuccino. “It was just a kind of PR appointment,” says Michele, “but something magical happened, and Harry is now a friend. He has the aura of an English rock-and-roll star—like a young Greek god with the attitude of James Dean and a little bit of Mick Jagger—but no one is sweeter. He is the image of a new era, of the way that a man can look.”
Styles credits his style trans­formation—from Jack Wills tracksuit-clad boy-band heartthrob to nonpareil fashionisto—to his meeting the droll young stylist Harry Lambert seven years ago. They hit it off at once and have conspired ever since, enjoying a playfully campy rapport and calling each other Sue and Susan as they parse the niceties of the scarlet lace Gucci man-bra that Michele has made for Vogue’s shoot, for instance, or a pair of Bode pants hand-painted with biographical images (Styles sent Emily Adams Bode images of his family, and a photograph he had found of David Hockney and Joni Mitchell. “The idea of those two being friends, to me, was really beautiful,” Styles explains).
“He just has fun with clothing, and that’s kind of where I’ve got it from,” says Styles of Lambert. “He doesn’t take it too seriously, which means I don’t take it too seriously.” The process has been evolutionary. At his first meeting with Lambert, the stylist proposed “a pair of flares, and I was like, ‘Flares? That’s fucking crazy,’  ” Styles remembers. Now he declares that “you can never be overdressed. There’s no such thing. The people that I looked up to in music—Prince and David Bowie and Elvis and Freddie Mercury and Elton John—they’re such showmen. As a kid it was completely mind-blowing. Now I’ll put on something that feels really flamboyant, and I don’t feel crazy wearing it. I think if you get something that you feel amazing in, it’s like a superhero outfit. Clothes are there to have fun with and experiment with and play with. What’s really exciting is that all of these lines are just kind of crumbling away. When you take away ‘There’s clothes for men and there’s clothes for women,’ once you remove any barriers, obviously you open up the arena in which you can play. I’ll go in shops sometimes, and I just find myself looking at the women’s clothes thinking they’re amazing. It’s like anything—anytime you’re putting barriers up in your own life, you’re just limiting yourself. There’s so much joy to be had in playing with clothes. I’ve never really thought too much about what it means—it just becomes this extended part of creating something.”
“He’s up for it,” confirms Lambert, who earlier this year, for instance, found a JW Anderson cardigan with the look of a Rubik’s Cube (“on sale at matches.com!”). Styles wore it, accessorized with his own pearl necklace, for a Today rehearsal in February and it went viral: His fans were soon knitting their own versions and posting the results on TikTok. Jonathan Anderson declared himself “so impressed and incredibly humbled by this trend” that he nimbly made the pattern available (complete with a YouTube tutorial) so that Styles’s fans could copy it for free. Meanwhile, London’s storied Victoria & Albert Museum has requested Styles’s original: an emblematic document of how people got creative during the COVID era. “It’s going to be in their permanent collection,” says Lambert exultantly. “Is that not sick? Is that not the most epic thing?”
“It’s pretty powerful and kind of extraordinary to see someone in his position redefining what it can mean to be a man with confidence,” says Olivia Wilde
“To me, he’s very modern,” says Wilde of Styles, “and I hope that this brand of confidence as a male that Harry has—truly devoid of any traces of toxic masculinity—is indicative of his generation and therefore the future of the world. I think he is in many ways championing that, spearheading that. It’s pretty powerful and kind of extraordinary to see someone in his position redefining what it can mean to be a man with confidence.”
“He’s really in touch with his feminine side because it’s something natural,” notes Michele. “And he’s a big inspiration to a younger generation—about how you can be in a totally free playground when you feel comfortable. I think that he’s a revolutionary.”
There are references aplenty in this look by Harris Reed, which features a Victoriana crinoline, 1980s shoulders, and pants of zoot-suit proportions.
STYLES’S confidence is on full display the day after the fitting, which finds us all on the beautiful Sussex dales. Over the summit of the hill, with its trees blown horizontal by the fierce winds, lies the English Channel. Even though it’s a two-hour drive from London, the fresh-faced Styles, who went to bed at 9 p.m., has arrived on set early: He is famously early for everything. The team is installed in a traditional flint-stone barn. The giant doors have been replaced by glass and frame a bucolic view of distant grazing sheep. “Look at that field!” says Styles. “How lucky are we? This is our office! Smell the roses!” Lambert starts to sing “Kumbaya, my Lord.”
Hairdresser Malcolm Edwards is setting Styles’s hair in a Victory roll with silver clips, and until it is combed out he resembles Kathryn Grayson with stubble. His fingers are freighted with rings, and “he has a new army of mini purses,” says Lambert, gesturing to an accessory table heaving with examples including a mini sky-blue Gucci Diana bag discreetly monogrammed HS. Michele has also made Styles a dress for the shoot that Tissot might have liked to paint—acres of ice-blue ruffles, black Valenciennes lace, and suivez-moi, jeune homme ribbons. Erelong, Styles is gamely racing up a hill in it, dodging sheep scat, thistles, and shards of chalk, and striking a pose for Mitchell that manages to make ruffles a compelling new masculine proposition, just as Mr. Fish’s frothy white cotton dress—equal parts Romantic poet and Greek presidential guard—did for Mick Jagger when he wore it for The Rolling Stones’ free performance in Hyde Park in 1969, or as the suburban-mom floral housedress did for Kurt Cobain as he defined the iconoclastic grunge aesthetic. Styles is mischievously singing ABBA’s “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)” to himself when Mitchell calls him outside to jump up and down on a trampoline in a Comme des Garçons buttoned wool kilt. “How did it look?” asks his sister when he comes in from the cold. “Divine,” says her brother in playful Lambert-speak.
As the wide sky is washed in pink, orange, and gray, like a Turner sunset, and Mitchell calls it a successful day, Styles is playing “Cherry” from Fine Line on his Fender acoustic on the hilltop. “He does his own stunts,” says his sister, laughing. The impromptu set is greeted with applause. “Thank you, Antwerp!” says Styles playfully, bowing to the crowd. “Thank you, fashion!”
63 notes · View notes
silver-lily-louise · 3 years
Text
Herondale
ao3 link
Rating: General Audiences  Warnings: None  Ship: TWI!Clace  Tags: Family Drama, Revelations 
Written for @shadowhunterbingo. Square filled: Java Jace 
Summary: In every universe, the truth will out. 
~oOo~
‘Michael lied to me.’
It’s the first thing Jace says when Clary gets home that evening, and it stops her in her tracks. ‘What?’ ‘He lied to me. My whole life.’ Jace’s voice is low, quiet – dangerous, her mind supplies, though she’s never had reason to think of her boyfriend like that before. She sets her satchel down on the nearest chair, and cautiously, warily steps closer. ‘You mean your dad, right? What did he do?’ she asks as gently as she can. Jace barks out a short, sharp laugh that’s even more frightening than his strange tone of voice. ‘That’s just it. He’s not my dad.’
Clary’s mind short-circuits a little, wrapping itself around that. ‘What?’ Jace pushes up to his feet, starting to pace the same way he does whenever he gets agitated – though if this is what it sounds like (and she doesn’t know what else it could be, just – how could it be this?), Clary doesn’t think a night out with her and Simon is going to soothe it better this time. Oblivious to her thoughts, Jace continues his tirade. ‘Yeah. Turns out I’m adopted, which would be just fine except one, it was illegal, and two, he didn’t bother mentioning it until I was twenty-fucking-five.’ He laughs again, though it’s a lot more strained this time. ‘My original surname was Herondale, by the way. Which I now know, because about five seconds before he told me all of the other stuff, he introduced this lady called Imogen. My grandmother. Who, until now, apparently thought I’d died along with my mom in childbirth – god, it’s like a fucking soap opera, how the fuck am I supposed to –’
‘Jace.’ She interrupts him, then, because this is quickly spiraling out from a vent into a panic attack, and that’s the last thing he needs right now. She stands in front of him, reaching up to his shoulders, tracing up to his neck and cradling him there. ‘Breathe, okay? It’s a lot, I hear that. But you’re okay. I’m here, we’re safe at home, everything’s gonna be okay. Just – just take a breath, and tell me the rest when you’re ready, and we’ll deal with it together, okay?’
His hands come up to latch onto hers, and he closes his eyes, taking slow, deliberate breaths.
A minute or so later, he looks back up at her. ‘I don’t know what’s gonna happen, Clar,’ he murmurs, and his eyes are shiny, his jaw tight. ‘I mean, I’m an adult, you know? It’s not like she can sue for custody. But she’s – she’s so pissed, and she has every right to be, she was my next of kin and he took me from her. And I’m pissed too, but –’ he takes a deep, shuddering breath – ‘but he’s my dad,’ he whispers, his voice breaking over the word. ‘I don’t want him to – to go to prison, or anything. I just… don’t know what to do.’
But Clary knows what to do, and so she does. She guides him over to the couch, gently presses him into taking a seat. She grabs the water bottle from her bag and holds it out to him. She sits back against the couch herself, until she can topple him back into her arms and hold on tight. Only then does she speak – and it’s not the maybe you could do x, maybe your dad has y, maybe your grandmother is z that springs to mind – it’s something short, simple. ‘When are you seeing them next? Either of them?’ she amends.
Jace sighs, leaning heavily against her. ‘I’m supposed to be meeting Imogen again tomorrow morning. Apparently, she wants to get to know me.’ Clary nods. ‘Alright. Why don’t you ask y- Michael to come too? And I’ll come along, if you want, or Simon could – or my dad, even, I’m sure he’d help you out. Sit them down, make sure there’s someone there in your corner, and have everyone talk it out like grown-ups. Then, whatever happens, you’ll at least know your next move, right?’
He seems to consider it for a moment, and then he nods. ‘You’re right,’ he murmurs. He looks back up at her, and the softness in his eyes makes her heart ache. ‘I have no idea how I got so lucky, you know that? I don’t know what I’d do without you, babe.’
Clary smiles at him, and presses a kiss to the top of his head. ‘You’ll never have to find out,’ she promises.
~oOo~
12 notes · View notes
ofstormsandwolves · 3 years
Text
christmas secrets
Zoey x Joan
Zoey, Joan, Simon, Mo, Leif, Tobin, Ava
Christmas parties, secret relationship, emotional hurt/comfort
The SPRQ Point Christmas party raises some dilemmas for Joan and Zoey as they try to keep their relationship a secret...
Read on AO3
“I was thinking of throwing a Christmas party.”
That sentence was perhaps the last thing Zoey Clarke expected to come out of her partner’s mouth, and the surprise must have shown on her face.
“I mean, for everyone at SPRQ Point,” Joan clarified. “We’ve done well this year; we’ve got the SPRQ Watch out there, we’ve made really good progress on the Chirp, the third floor have done really well with that SPRQ your imagination scheme in schools-”
“I still can’t believe you let them go with that name,” Zoey interrupted with a smirk.
The brunette rolled her eyes. “Ugh, the board lapped it up. It’s all cutesy and adorable, according to them, and they figured it’d appeal to kids. So I let them stick with it.”
The pair of them lapsed into silence then, picking at the remains of the takeout they’d ordered.
“So, uh, a Christmas party,” Zoey said after a few moments. “Sounds fun.”
Joan gave her a look. “See, your mouth says ‘fun’, but your face says ‘not fun’. Which one am I meant to believe?”
That drew a sigh from Zoey. “It’s nothing. I’m sure the party will be great, and I think it’s a really good idea. It’s just... How exactly are we going to go to a party and spend several hours with virtually everyone who works at SPRQ Point and keep our relationship secret? I mean, I know we have to, I know we agreed not to go public, but...”
Music swelled up then, echoing around the room, and Zoey knew it wasn’t coming from the television. Then, of its own accord, her mouth began moving as lyrics tumbled out.
“When you hold me in the street,
And you kiss me on the dance floor,
I wish that it could be like that.
Why can’t it be like that?
‘Cause I’m yours.
We keep behind closed doors.
Every time I see you, I die a little more.
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls.
It’ll never be enough.”
Joan was gaping a little, clearly uncomfortable, and Zoey tried to clamp her mouth shut but the words were forcing themselves out of her throat. A part of her was mortified, that she’d completely lost control of her body, and that she was forcing Joan into such an awkward situation. A bigger part of her was terrified of what would happen once she stopped singing, however. It wasn’t like they could just ignore what had just happened, no matter how much either woman wanted to. Of course Joan knew about Zoey’s powers, had known about them for months, but she’d only witnessed them on one occasion; the day Zoey had glitched and ended up singing Pressure to Danny Michael Davis. That had been awkward, this was even worse.
“It’s obvious you’re meant for me,
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly,
Every second, every thought, I’m in so deep.
But I’ll never show it on my face.
But we know this
We got a love that is homeless.”
“Z-Zoey,” Joan managed to get out then. “Zoey, stop.”
But she couldn’t. She wanted to, but she couldn’t. She didn’t know how, she must be glitching again. And that meant having to actually have a conversation about what was happening. They’d been having such a nice night, too. Why did her powers have to go and ruin everything?
“Why can’t you hold me in the street?
Why can’t I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that.
Why can’t we be like that?
‘Cause I’m yours.”
Suddenly, Joan was setting her takeout on the coffee table, leaning towards her and grasping her hands in her own. “Zoey, it’s alright.”
Zoey couldn’t stop singing if she wanted to, but the soft, concerned look in Joan’s eyes nearly made her falter anyway. Was it possible Joan wasn’t mad? Sure, she knew that this wasn’t Zoey’s fault, that she couldn’t exactly turn her powers on and off when it was convenient, but still she’d expected her partner to at least be a bit embarrassed by the whole thing.
“Why can’t I say that I’m in love?
I wanna shout it from the rooftop.
I wish that it could be like that.
Why can’t we be like that?
‘Cause I’m yours.”
Finally, thankfully, the song came to an end and Zoey bit her lip. The pair sat in silence for a good few moments before it was broken.
“So.” Joan managed a small, slightly awkward smile. “You wanna talk about that?”
 Ten minutes later, Zoey was tucked into Joan’s body, the older woman gently running her fingers through red hair.
“I’m so, so sorry,” Zoey said for the fifth time.
“I know,” Joan assured quietly. “I know you can’t help it.” She sighed. “But we do have to talk about this. I mean, why didn’t you tell me how you were feeling? I thought we were on the same page, that we both knew why we had to keep this relationship quiet?”
“I do know,” Zoey promised. “But I don’t... I don’t like it. I don’t like having to sneak around at work when I’ve met you for lunch or you’re picking me up after work to go out for dinner. I hate having to be evasive about weekend plans, and I really don’t like the idea of going to this Christmas party and not being able to dance with you.” She pulled away then, to meet the older woman’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve put you in an awkward position.”
“I think I preferred the awkward position from last Friday,” Joan countered, a small smirk on her lips as she reminded her partner of the previous weekend, where they’d not even made it out of the bedroom.
Zoey’s cheeks flushed a nice pink, but the uncertainty in her eyes didn’t fade.
Joan took her hand again, squeezing it. “Believe me, Zoey, I hate this as much as you do. If I could announce it to the world tomorrow, I would. But I’m only acting CEO. Sooner or later, Danny Michael Davis will come back and I’ll be back on the fourth floor. Do you really want the whole team knowing that we’re dating? Not to mention the HR issues it will throw up.”
It was Zoey’s turn to sigh, then. “No. No, I get it. I’m sorry, I guess I’m just feeling a little fragile, and a little sad. It would have been nice to go to the party together, you know? Have a dance, have a drink. Maybe kiss under some mistletoe.”
“Yeah,” Joan smiled a little sadly. “That would be nice.”
Zoey moved to lean back into her partner then, snuggling up close. “Sorry for saying ‘sorry’ a lot, too.”
“You just said it again.” The smirk was evident in the older woman’s voice.
The redhead thought on that a moment. “Damn.”
 As it was, Joan went ahead and organised the party, and by the time the invites had been sent out two weeks before Christmas, the fourth floor was buzzing with the news.
“Hey, Zoey, did you get the e-vite about the Christmas party?” Tobin asked as she sat down at her desk Friday morning.
“Uh, yeah,” she said, shrugging off her coat and hoping nobody would pick up on the fact she’d already known about the party long before the invitations.
“It’s gonna be dope,” Tobin grinned. “I can’t believe Joan’s renting out the entirety of the Paragon! That place is booked up weeks in advance; I couldn’t even sneak my way in. And believe me, I tried.”
Zoey managed to muster a small smile at Tobin’s enthusiasm, and quickly turned her attention to her computer. “Yeah, well. I’m sure Joan just wanted to make sure everyone has a good time.”
“Do you think Joan will be there?” Leif piped up from his own desk, a slightly hopeful tone to his voice that made Zoey frown.
Feeling a little bit of jealousy bubble up in her chest, she tried to school her expression. “Maybe, why?”
Leif’s cheeks flushed then, his gaze skittering away from Zoey. “No reason.”
Her eyes narrowed, watching the man carefully as he busied himself with work. Joan had made it clear to him that their relationship- if it could even have been called that- was over, but Zoey couldn’t help but feel a little anxious. She knew that Joan didn’t want a relationship with Leif, that had been obvious even before she’d asked Zoey out, but was it possible that Leif himself wasn’t aware? Did he think he still had a chance?
Clenching her jaw and forcing her attention back to her computer, Zoey began angrily punching out code for the Chirp.
 When the morning of the party rolled around a week and a half later, Zoey didn’t feel any better about having to hide hers and Joan’s relationship at the party, nor did she feel any better about Leif’s potential feelings for her partner.
“What do you mean we’re going together?”
Admittedly, Zoey had only been half listening to what Joan was saying, poking and prodding at her takeout and lost in her own thoughts.
“Well,” Joan scoffed, looking a little irritated, “it’s silly for us to take two cars.”
“B-But that means arriving together,” Zoey said, brow furrowing and mind racing. “And leaving together. Don’t you think that will raise questions?”
The older woman rolled her eyes. “Zoey, it’s a work party. I’m sure we won’t be the only people splitting a car ride. It’ll be fine.”
Zoey found herself nodding at that, though she wasn’t wholly convinced. It seemed a little too much like tempting fate, particularly with Leif potentially sniffing around. Maybe that was the point. Maybe Joan didn’t want to announce their relationship but figured that people working it out on their own wouldn’t be as bad? That being said, HR would still be a problem, so maybe that wasn’t it. Honestly, Zoey didn’t know what was going on.
“We don’t have to go together, you know,” Joan said then, sounding a little disappointed but trying to hide it. “I just thought it would be nice. And you could come back here afterwards, spend the night. If you wanted, of course.”
Almost as though it was planned, Hermés chose that moment to appear at Zoey’s feet, staring expectantly up at the woman as she poked at her breakfast.
“That sounds nice,” Zoey admitted slowly. “I mean, if you’re sure you don’t mind having me here two nights in a row.”
A smirk spread across Joan’s face. “Why would I mind?” she asked, surveying the younger woman over her coffee mug. “That’s two nights in a row I get you all to myself.”
“You get me all to yourself whenever you want, Joan,” Zoey pointed out then, though she couldn’t stop her lips quirking in a slight smirk of her own. Then, she sighed. “Fine. If you think it won’t raise too many questions, and we can swing it, then sure. Let’s go together.”
“You sure? I don’t want you doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”
Zoey smiled again, this time a more relaxed smile. “Yeah. I’m sure.”
 That night, the pair of them arrived at Paragon in a sleek black Mercedes that Joan had rented for the night. The driver even held the door open for the pair of them as they slid out in their dresses and heels. Zoey’s fingers itched to reach out and entwine themselves with Joan’s, so she instead busied herself with smoothing her dress out instead.
“Ready?” Joan asked, sparing her partner a glance before looking towards the club.
Zoey followed her partner’s gaze. Paragon had only been open a few months, but it was already a hot place to be in San Francisco, and she could see why. It was situated at the top of a skyscraper, boasting views out across the Golden Gate Bridge, and probably cost Joan a pretty penny to book out for SPRQ Point. Hopefully the location of the party would distract the guests from Joan’s and Zoey’s arrival.
They made their way up to the club via the elevator, an uneasy silence between the two women.
“So, uh, I guess this is it.” Zoey said after a few moments. “I mean, we’re gonna have to mingle with the other guests, maybe dance, have some food. You’ll have to circulate, of course.”
“Of course,” Joan said, sounding a little disappointed.
“How do we do this, then? Do I come find you when it’s time to leave? Or, well, I guess you should come find me. After all, you’re the boss-”
Zoey was cut off abruptly by Joan’s lips on hers. The kiss was soft but insistent, and she practically melted into the touch. But it only lasted a few seconds, before Joan pulled away.
“I, uh, needed something to sustain me,” the brunette said then, looking a little embarrassed as she instead checked her makeup in the mirrored walls of the elevator.
“Uh huh,” Zoey managed, feeling a little dazed.
The elevator doors opened then, and already Joan was hurrying out before Zoey could fully process what had happened. With a sigh, she could only watch as her girlfriend disappeared into the throng, greeting people as she went. Shoulder slumped, Zoey looked around at the impressively decorated club for a moment before making a beeline for the bar. She needed a drink.
 An hour into the party, Zoey was feeling more than a little sorry for herself. She’d spent most of the time at the bar, sipping drinks and occasionally making small-talk with people who came by. Tobin had greeted her with a grin before hurrying off to grab more food, and several people from the sixth floor had also had brief conversations with her.
Now, she was stood at the edge of the dance floor, yet another drink in hand as she watched people dance and have fun. It wasn’t fair. It was Christmas, the party was to celebrate a great year, and everyone was having a good time but her. Occasionally, she caught sight of Joan talking to one of her employees, often with a forced smile and a fake look of interest on her face. Zoey wanted nothing more than to be able to sweep in and tug Joan away from those boring conversations to go make out in a dark corner, but she knew she couldn’t. For a start, it would tip off to the entirety of SPRQ Point that she was in a relationship with the boss, and secondly Joan would be furious. But then she remembered the kiss in the elevator, and she couldn’t tell if her knees went weak from the memory or the alcohol, but all it did was make Zoey long for Joan even more.
Shaking her head to clear it, she instead made her way towards the DJ booth. She’d persuaded Joan to hire Mo for the event, even though Paragon had offered their own DJ. With Max no longer around, and things being really quite awkward between herself and Simon due to her having to turn him down once she and Joan got together, Zoey needed a friendly face at the party.
“Howdy,” Zoey greeted as she reached her friend.
Mo, for his part, fixed her with a look and a slight smirk. “And how many of those lovely martinis have you already had tonight?”
Zoey shrugged at the question. “I don’t know. Five? Six? Who’s counting? I’m not!”
At her answer, it seemed that Mo didn’t quite know whether to be amused or concerned, and he studied her for a long moment. “Now, Zo-loft, how have you been? I’ve noticed you haven’t been at your apartment as much lately. Staying with your mysterious lover?”
In her drunken state, Zoey could do nothing to stop the grin from spreading across her face. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Rolling his eyes good-naturedly, Mo returned his attention to his records briefly to change tracks, before turning back to his friend. “Well, that would be why I asked the question. You’ve been flitting in and out, disappearing for entire nights at a time and showing back up with a ridiculous grin on your face and still you refuse to tell me who the lucky man is.”
Snorting, Zoey waved a hand dismissively. “Please,” she said, laughing slightly. “I’m over men. They’re nothing but drama. I mean, the whole thing with Simon, and Max, and the singing and the dancing and the kissing...”
Mo arched an eyebrow at that, and he surveyed her again, as though seeing her through new eyes. “Well,” he said after a moment, “I guess that serves me right for assuming.” He tilted his head to one side, considering, before staring out across the dance floor.
Zoey watched as her friend stared, silently holding her breath and hoping Mo couldn’t read her too well.
After several long moments, Mo looked back to her. “Does she make you happy?”
“Very.” Zoey waggled her eyebrows, and Mo shook his head.
“Ugh. Go away please. You are nauseatingly loved up right now. And drunk. And I don’t want you throwing up on my records.” He made a shooing motion with his hands.
Rolling her eyes, Zoey spun on her heel and headed away, taking a large gulp of martini as she did so. Just as she was lowering her glass, however, she walked straight into someone and nearly toppled to the ground. A hand shot out, grabbing her around the waist to steady her. Zoey blinked, and looked up into bright blue, concerned eyes.
 “Joan!”
The small redhead was beaming up at Joan as though she hung the stars in the night sky, and the thought made the older woman glance around in concern.
“You ok there? You ploughed straight into me.” Joan surveyed her carefully, a small frown furrowing her brow. She seemed sort of unsteady on her feet, and now she thought about it, she was pretty certain Zoey had spent a great deal of time propping up the bar. Not that she’d been keeping tabs on her partner, or anything.
“I’m great,” Zoey grinned. “Have you tried the martinis here? They’re amazing!”
“Uh, yeah, they’re something alright. I mean, they should be at $9 a go.” Joan’s frown deepened. “Zoey, are you alright?”
When Zoey only grinned back drunkenly, Joan let out a sigh. Sure, Joan herself had also had a few drinks, but something told her that the younger woman had several drinks on her, and she also knew that it took less time for her to get drunk. After all, Zoey was small and hadn’t had twenty years of being married to Charlie to harden her to the effects of liquor. While Joan was merely buzzed, Zoey was flat out drunk. And if they weren’t careful, they’d end up causing a scene.
“Ok,” she said, moving to steer her partner towards some seating, “how about we have a sit down? The last thing we want is you falling flat on your face.”
It was only halfway towards the plush seating that Joan realised she still had one arm firmly around Zoey’s waist. Swallowing thickly and hoping nobody had noticed, she quickly guided Zoey to sit herself down before crouching in front of her.
“I’m, uh, gonna go grab some water. See if we can sober you up.”
Zoey scrunched her nose up at the suggestion. “Why? It’s a party, Joan. Come on, have a drink with me!”
Part of Joan really, really wanted to give in to that. She wanted nothing more than to have a drink with her partner, and to maybe get drunk enough to make an ass of herself on the dance floor, and then make out with Zoey in the car on the way home. Everything Charlie had always hated. But the logical part of her was reminding her that nobody could know about their relationship, and with Zoey already drunk she needed to stay sober enough to deal with the situation. Forcing a tight smile onto her face, she repeated herself.
“I’m gonna grab some water.” She stood then, before pausing. “Uh. Just stay here, ok?”
Joan set off towards the bar then, giving polite smiles to various subordinates she barely recognised as she passed them. Within a minute, she was returning to Zoey’s booth with a large glass of water, hoping it would be enough. But when she returned, she saw Simon seated opposite Zoey, leaning forward with his forearms on the table.
“Well, I’m just saying,” Simon said with a laugh as Joan drew nearer, “you seem a little drunk. Maybe you should call it a night?”
“Pfft,” Zoey snorted. “I’m not drunk! Besides, I can’t leave until Joan leaves.”
Joan felt her heart stop in her chest at that, and she held her breath as she waited for a response.
“Ah,” Simon nodded knowingly, “you want to stay until the boss calls it quits. I get that. But maybe you should lay off the martinis? I think you’ve had enough.”
Squaring her shoulders, Joan crossed the rest of the floor to reach Zoey’s side. She flashed Simon a slightly cruel smile and set the glass of water on the table in front of the redhead.
“Here we are; one glass of water. We really don’t need you throwing up all over the dance floor.”
As the words left her mouth, however, Joan caught sight of Simon’s slight frown. Huh. Perhaps she’d played it a little too cool. Forcing a tight smile onto her lips, she turned her attention back to her partner and pushed the glass towards her.
“Drink.”
Thankfully, Zoey did as she was told, downing the water with almost impressive speed. Simon shifted to stand then, sparing a confused look at Joan before flashing a smile at Zoey.
“Well, uh, I’ll leave you ladies to it. Zoey, if you’re not too drunk, how about a dance later?”
Zoey went wide-eyed at that, and for the second time in as many minutes Joan’s heart was in her mouth. But thankfully, the younger woman instead just nodded slowly.
“Uh, yeah. Maybe.”
Simon left then, and Joan watched him go for a few moments before sliding into his recently vacated seat opposite Zoey. She fixed her partner with an unimpressed look. Zoey, for her part, held her ground. Perhaps she was getting better to standing up against her girlfriend. Perhaps she was just too drunk to be nervous.
“Joan, I’m fine. I’m not even that drunk.” The redhead rolled her eyes for good measure.
“Uh huh. Sure. But let’s not add to that drunkenness.” Joan sighed then. “Zoey, I’m sorry. I wish we didn’t have to hide our relationship. I wish we could be together, spend time together here instead of sneaking around.”
It was Zoey’s turn to sigh, and her gaze skittered away, her previous alcohol-fuelled joy evaporating quickly. She surveyed the dance floor for a long moment, watching colleagues dancing and laughing and drinking, before slowly looking back to Joan.
“You want to maybe make out in the bathroom a bit?”
Despite herself, a slow grin spread across Joan’s face. Before she could form a response, Zoey had taken her by the hand and was tugging her in the direction of the toilets.
 Making out in the women’s restroom of Paragon wasn’t exactly how either Joan or Zoey had thought the evening would go, but they weren’t about to complain about it. It didn’t take long for hands to roam and dresses to get bunched up as previously coiffed hair was wrapped around fingers and makeup was smudged.
Zoey was busy sucking at Joan’s pulse point when the door to the bathroom opened. The pair sprung apart as though electrocuted, and quickly busied themselves with smoothing out clothing and fiddling with hair in an attempt to look more presentable.
“- until at least the middle of next year. Oh.” Ava Price blinked, frowning a little at Joan’s and Zoey’s slightly dishevelled appearances. “Hello, Joan. Zoey.”
Ava and the two women who had come into the bathroom with her surveyed Zoey and Joan with a look of confusion, and the redhead quickly forced a nervous grin.
“Watch out for those hand dryers,” she said with an awkward laugh. “They’re really strong. Practically destroyed my hair.”
“Uh, yeah. Really strong,” Joan echoed, plastering her own fake smile on her face.
Ava looked between the pair of them for a long moment, clearly unimpressed by their excuse, before simply rolling her eyes and stepping into the nearest cubicle. The two other women ducked into cubicles too, and Joan and Zoey shared a wide-eyed, embarrassed glance, before quickly moving for the door.
“Ugh,” Joan said once they were out of the bathroom. “Well that was fun.”
“I know,” Zoey sighed. “I’m sorry. I should never have suggested-”
But Joan shook her head. “Zoey, it’s fine. I went along with it, I didn’t say no.” She surveyed her partner for a few moments. “And you’re still really drunk, aren’t you?”
The younger woman shrugged. “Well, that water did help. But... Kinda?”
Letting out a sigh, Joan took a moment to just breathe. She’d had a few drinks as well, of course, and she could only blame the alcohol in her system for hers and Zoey’s make out session. In no other circumstance would she have even considered making out at a word function, Christmas party or not. She had rules, rules that she had set herself so that her employees and colleagues could never call her unprofessional, could never insist that she was too emotional or that she was proof women shouldn’t be in the tech industry. And now they’d potentially been seen by Ava, and even if Ava had no hard proof they’d certainly been far too careless.
A hand was on her arm then, and she looked round to see Zoey watching her in concern. She forced a smile.
“We should get back to the party.”
Zoey smiled sadly. “Yeah.”
 “Zoey.”
Zoey looked up to see Leif staring at her, a tight smile on his face and a mannerism that seemed a little... Odd.
“Leif,” she greeted, frowning a little before returning her attention to the food. Maybe if she ate some more she’d sober up more.
“So, uh, I see you and Joan went to the bathroom together,” he said. “Girl talk?”
That made her frown deepen. “That’s none of your business, Leif.”
Leif shifted at that, and glanced across the room for a moment before returning his gaze to Zoey. “I know you sabotaged me and Joan. She told me that you told her about my feelings. And I saw how you left together that night at the bar. I mean, I had a pretty good view from the stage, and the pair of you seemed very... Intimate.”
Swallowing thickly, Zoey concentrated harder on the food in front of her. She and Joan hadn’t been together at that point, and honestly, it was Leif’s singing that had mostly scared them away. But she couldn’t say that, and she didn’t trust herself not to let anything slip. So instead, she fixed him with a tight smile.
“Well, this has been a great talk, Leif, but I have to go.”
If Leif had a response to that, Zoey didn’t wait around to hear it.
 Zoey sought safety hanging out with Mo at the DJ decks again.
“Please tell me you’ve been staying away from the bar,” he said in way of greeting as Zoey appeared at his side.
“I have. Joan made me drink some water,” Zoey said without thinking.
At the comment, Mo arched an eyebrow. “You know, you’ve certainly been spending a lot of time with the lovely Joan the last few months. Anything I should know about?”
Something in his tone seemed that little bit too smug, and Zoey was reminded of their earlier conversation and how he had asked if she was happy. Did he already know? Honestly, she didn’t have Mo pegged as a subtle person, but maybe...
“No.” Zoey stuffed a pig in a blanket into her mouth quickly.
“Mmm,” Mo hummed, an amused expression on his face. “You know, Zoey Clarke, you are a terrible liar. Besides, a little Christmas robin told me that you two ducked into the bathroom earlier and came out looking rather dishevelled. And the pair of you clearly have feelings for one another.” He gave her a pointed look at that.
Zoey said nothing, but flushed a dull red. She wasn’t supposed to be telling anyone. Not even her mom or David knew about her and Joan. Besides, she couldn’t tell Mo in the middle of a SPRQ Point party, not after the near run-in with Ava.
Mo turned his attention back to the music, then, and for a moment it didn’t register in Zoey’s head as a familiar strain of music started up. But it was only as everything else seemed to distort as though in slow motion that she realised what was happening.
Joan was across the dance floor, talking with someone Zoey vaguely recognised from PR. Leif, meanwhile, was several feet away, a drink in hand and a pained expression on his face.
“Oh, no,” Zoey murmured. “No, no, no...”
And suddenly, Leif was singing.
“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special...”
He began moving then, setting his drink down on a table before moving towards an oblivious Joan. Everything was soft and slow-motion, except for Leif who stood out in glorious technicolour.
“Once bitten and twice shy,
I keep my distance,
But you still catch my eye.
Tell me baby,
Do you recognise me?
Well, it’s been a year,
It doesn’t surprise me...”
Zoey felt like she couldn’t move. Like she was stuck to the floor. Part of her brain knew she wouldn’t be able to intervene anyway, but a bigger part of her was stuck on the fact she’d been right to be concerned about Leif. He clearly still had feelings for Joan, and after the confrontation at the buffet...
“I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying, ‘I love you’, I meant it.
Now, I know what a fool I’ve been,
But if you kissed me now
I know you’d fool me again.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special...”
He was dancing around Joan then, and annoyance bubbled up in Zoey’s chest. Even from where she was stood she could see the look on Leif’s face. Part longing, part disappointment, part something she couldn’t put her finger on.
“A crowded room, friends with tired eyes,
I’m hiding from you, and your soul of ice.
My God, I thought you were someone to rely on.
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on...
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special...”
The song faded out then as everything returned to normal. Joan left her conversation, Leif was back where he started sipping a drink, and Zoey was wholly confused.
“And what is going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
Mo’s voice startled Zoey from her thoughts, and she turned to look to her friend.
“Hey, uh, Mo, what does it mean if someone sings Last Christmas?”
Mo tilted his head to one side, considering that for a long moment. “Well, that depends. It’s a song about unrequited love and heartbreak, but it’s also about moving on, finding someone else. I’d say if someone’s singing that, they want to move on.”
Zoey bit her lip. “But they still have feelings for that person, right? I mean, with the whole ‘fool me again’ thing?”
“Sure, but the song is all about not wanting to make the same mistake, about moving past that and not putting yourself through that pain again. No matter what your feelings are for someone, sometimes you just have to walk away.” Mo studied her carefully then. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with the lovely Joan, would it?”
“Leif just sang it to Joan.” Zoey pouted for a moment, before catching herself and trying to school her expression.
“Uh huh, and you don’t like it because you’d rather have Joan all to yourself.” That earned Mo a scowl, but he simply smirked. “Child, please. You two are so loved up a blind person could see it from the North Pole.”
“Oh.” Zoey frowned. “Are we that obvious? I mean, how long have you known?”
Mo’s amused expression quickly turned to one of reassurance then as Zoey panicked. “Zoey, calm down. I only figured it out tonight.” He thought for a moment. “Honestly, I’m kind of ashamed it took me so long. I am not on my A-game.” He waved a hand dismissively. “Anyway. You said earlier, you’re not with men anymore. And you’ve definitely been seeing someone. Plus you and Joan have grown awfully close since her divorce.” Mo shrugged. “It just makes sense.”
Shoulders slumping in relief, Zoey surveyed her partner across the dance floor. “You know, tonight’s really sucked. We had to have a whole fake story about how we were sharing a ride here because it was easier, to hide our relationship. We haven’t been able to have a single dance, we nearly got caught by Ava making out in the bathroom, I spent an hour drowning my sorrows at the bar while Joan’s had to make small talk with everyone...” She trailed off with a frustrated sigh.
Mo frowned at that. “Oh, please, Zoey, half the people here are halfway to being comatose what with all the fancy over-priced drinks they’ve been drinking. Nobody is going to care if you and Joan dance.”
“But it will raise questions-”
“No, it won’t. Now go.” He took Zoey’s half-finished plate of food from her and pointedly pushed her towards the dance floor. “Go get your woman. I have the perfect song for you.”
 Zoey appearing at Joan’s elbow in the middle of a very dull conversation with three people from- marketing? Sales? Honestly, Joan couldn’t remember.
“Zoey! Hi. Uh, can I help you?”
The younger woman had a slightly nervous smile on her face that made Joan worry just a little. “Yeah, actually, if you’re not too busy. I just figured, you know, we’ve been here a while and I couldn’t help but notice you haven’t had a single dance. I mean, I’m not the best of dancers, but...”
Joan let out an awkward laugh at that, and was somewhat surprised to see the people she’d been talking to simply flash her a grin and make their goodbyes. Taking the opportunity to seize Zoey by the arm, she led her partner away from the dance floor.
“What are you doing?” she hissed. “We agreed to keep a low profile! I mean, we already risked it in the bathroom earlier!”
“I know.” Zoey held her hands up in a placating gesture. “But Mo said that nobody will care-”
“Mo knows? Oh god!”
“-because everyone’s mostly drunk anyway, and I really wanna dance with you, Joan. It doesn’t have to be some romantic slow dance. Actually, it’s best it’s not. But just... One dance, Joan? Please?”
Joan let out a sigh then, trying to ignore Zoey’s wide, imploring eyes. But it seemed impossible, and she made a good point about people being drunk. Lots of people were dancing together. Tobin had danced with almost everybody. Would people really think anything bad if Zoey and Joan spent some time on the dance floor?
“Keep your hands to yourself,” she said, before turning and walking to the dance floor.
Zoey followed with a grin, and when they got there, Mo spotted them and gave a big grin before switching to a new track. As the music began to play, Joan didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
“You’re kidding me,” she said, shaking her head as laughter threatened to bubble up.
“Hey,” Zoey grinned, “Mo’s got good taste.”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas,
There is just one thing I need...”
As more people joined the dancing around them, Joan allowed herself to move that little bit closer to Zoey.
“You don’t have to,” Zoey murmured as Joan took her hand in her own.
Joan gave a soft smile in response. “I want to.”
She pulled her partner into a loose embrace, something that wouldn’t raise too many eyebrows if people took notice, but allowed her that little bit of closeness she’d been craving all night. Hopefully to unsuspecting eyes it would simply look like two friends enjoying themselves on the dance floor.
The pair of them danced and laughed through the first two verses and chorus, grins on their faces as they enjoyed themselves. Instead of a gentle or respectable swaying, they moved that little bit too much, that little too wildly, in a parody of a romantic slow dance complete with the occasional silly face at one another. They were spurred on by laughter and alcohol, and Joan couldn’t deny just how right it felt to dance with Zoey in that way. But she wanted more. On a whim, she tugged Zoey closer, and leaned down to quietly sing along to the song.
“I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you...”
She spun Zoey then, eliciting a laugh from the younger woman as she fell into Joan’s embrace. Perhaps they’d both had a tiny bit too much to drink to contemplate any more spinning, but as Zoey instead tucked her still-giggling form into Joan’s chest, she couldn’t quite bring herself to care. After too short a time, the song came to a close.
Joan took a breath, a soft smile on her lips, and then she quietly moved to whisper in Zoey’s ear. “So. You wanna get out of here?”
Zoey’s grin was more than enough of a response.
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alwaysreadebookpdf · 3 years
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DOWNLOAD EBOOK Linda McCartney Life in Photographs [ PDF ] Ebook
[PDF] Download Ebook | READ ONLINE Linda McCartney: Life in Photographsbody {font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;}#example1 {border: 2px solid black;padding: 25px;background: lightblue;background-repeat: no-repeat;background-size: 100% 100%;}nav {margin:auto;text-align: left;width: 80%;font-family: roboto;}nav ul {list-style: none;position: relative;display: inline-table;width: 80%;}nav ul li{float:left;}nav ul li:hover{background:#FFFF00;}nav ul li:hover a{color:#000;}nav ul li a{display: block;padding: 25px;color: black;text-decoration: none;}p{position:absolute;top: 20px;z-index: 2;color: black;background-color:yellow;}DOWNLOAD EBOOK Linda McCartney: Life in Photographs [ PDF ] Ebook
Linda McCartney: Life in Photographs
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Author : Linda McCartney Publisher : Taschen ISBN : 3836555581 Publication Date : 2015-4-15 Language : eng Pages : 280
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Synopsis : DOWNLOAD EBOOK Linda McCartney: Life in Photographs [ PDF ] Ebook
The world through Linda's eyes: A retrospective of Linda McCartney's life and photography In 1966, during a brief stint as a receptionist for Town and Country magazine, Linda Eastman snagged a press pass to a very exclusive promotional event for the Rolling Stones aboard a yacht on the Hudson River. With her fresh, candid photographs of the band, far superior to the formal shots made by the band's official photographer, Linda secured her name as a rock 'n' roll photographer. Two years later, in May 1968, she entered the record books as the first female photographer to have her work featured on the cover of Rolling Stone with her portrait of Eric Clapton. She went on to capture many of rock's most important musicians on film, including Aretha Franklin, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, Simon & Garfunkel, The Who, The Doors,and the Grateful Dead. In 1967, Linda went to London to document the 'Swinging Sixties,' where she met Paul McCartney at the Bag 'O Nails club and subsequently photographed The Beatles during a launch event for the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album. Paul and Linda fell in love, and were married on March 12, 1969. For the next three decades, until her untimely death, she devoted herself to her family, vegetarianism, animal rights, and photography. From her early rock 'n' roll portraits, through the final years of The Beatles, to raising four children with Paul, Linda captured her whole world on film. Her shots range from spontaneous family pictures to studio sessions with Stevie Wonder and Michael Jackson, as well as encounters with artists Willem de Kooning and Gilbert and George. Always unassuming and fresh, her work displays a warmth and feeling for the precise moment that captures the essence of any subject. Whether photographing her children, celebrities, animals, or a fleeting moment of everyday life, she did so without pretension or artifice.This retrospective volume is a lasting and deeply personal testament to Linda's talent, produced in close collaboration with the McCartney family, with forewords by Paul, Stella, and Mary McCartney.Text in English, French, and German
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*Shmuel mode on* Are there any aspects that you don't like or criticize about the show?
Oh boy, someone is trying to get me in trouble...
Kidding, kidding! I was wary of answering this one because I want to spread positivity, but people should understand that you don't have to agree with every detail of "The Chosen" even if you love it as a whole. You may love some of the things on this list, and that's fine! So here we go:
I think the joke "There are some things even I cannot do..." at the end of S1E5 was a bit too far. It was funny but I personally don't think Jesus would say that.
See my other post about #SimonsNotWrong (this ask is actually the thing that made me want to write that one, lol.)
If we're addressing people's pasts, I'm gonna need them to deal with Simon Z. Just a few days ago, my dude was ready to murder someone, premeditated. I still love his character to pieces, though.
The Wednesday night releases were really inconvenient, especially when a large part of the fanbase is Christians who have Bible study on Wednesdays at that exact time (6 PM Pacific).
9 times out of 10 the music is perfect for the moment, but sometimes it's a little too much and ends up sounding cheesy.
And finally...Dallas hasn't made a remix of the "www.thechosengifts.com" song yet and I think that's a problem 😂
None of these things decrease my love for the show, though! Just differing opinions. Feel free to agree or disagree, but please keep it respectful :)
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aspiestvmusings · 4 years
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ZEP: Max & Zoey -  Thoughts 1
Here’s my take... on some of the storylines/scenes/lines: 
Again.. super long post. SPOILERS up to 1x10, and possibly hints at what is coming. Hence...SPOILER WARNING. 
Analyzing the M/Z storylines from the perspective of “things that fans don’t understand or like about Max’s character behaviour”. And possibly providing a different perspective to look at some of the things/behaviour...
Mentions of Z/S relationship/storylines. 
In the Pilot Max was encouraging Zoey to go after Simon, cause he knew she’s interested in the new guy... but that changed...at about the time she/he/they found out the guy is taken/engaged. That’s the moment when his “best friend mode” kicked in & tried to not let Zoey make her past mistake again with overly complicated, exhausting for everyone & not good relationship choices...
                               ***********************************************
The one & only reason I can’t be Team Simon. 
I cannot ever consider Team Simon for one simple reason - the writers had the character be in a relationship/engaged...when his emotional affair with Zoey started. IF he would have been single, I could talk about choosing sides/teams, but this single fact takes Simon out of the equation. No matter how good looking, cool, hot, or compatible he might be with Zoey. No matter if their relationship grows in the future... Their first moments were cheating (on Jessica), and no matter how “human” and “real”, that is the line for me that shan’t be crossed. And the fact that the relationship ended does not change what happened before - they kissed while he was still engaged. You can’t take that back. IF the writers would have made him single..since start...I could debate which Team I’m on, but the fact he was engaged eliminates him for me. But none of their cute moments or shared grief bond... or hot dances change the simple fact that he cheated on Jessica. 
Sidenote: if we’re talking cast, then I'm both Team Skylar AND Team John C. Those two gents are both great AND they can both sing!
                                ***********************************************
Yes, unless Max knows something we don’t know about Zoey (that she, just like her dad, actually, secretly loves big gestures and moments) his choice for how he professed his love seems to be wrong way to declare his love for this specific lady. Because according to what we know Zoey is not into music (but then again...the use of a flash mob was a plot twist device by the writers... who just decided to use that surprise for Max/Zoey, when it could’ve been any other character... but this was simply done so that the show could mess with Zoey’s powers and give her character “oh, this isn’t in my head, this is real” moment.) But... that’s just a possible bad choice by the character, not anything horrible. And that’s the way he knows how to say it, even if a small, personal, reveal seems more Zoeys style. 
But... are we actually correct in assuming this? After the flashmob she never once mentioned anything about it being “too much of a public declaration for her taste”. She even called it “an amazing gesture”, which tells us that while she might be uncomfortable with “big moments” in general (public speaking...), she is comfortable with them with people she’s closed to (her dad, her best friend...) And we saw her talk about it with Max & with Mo. Her only worry was related to him telling her, in reality (not just in her mind...via heart song) that he has feelings for her. She has not shown any worry regarding it being done via “grand gesture”. So... is it possible that it actually isn’t so “not her” as we assume? 
Just as perhaps Max from 1x09 is not as “passive” and “not interested in promotion” as Max from 1x01? Perhaps time & peer reviews, and everything else...has changed him? And he’s actually interested in climbing the career ladder.,.. as opposed to the Max in the Pilot, who told Zoey that he does not want any of that...
Maybe Zoey is her fathers daughter, and actually (secretly) loves big moments & grand gestures? Because her dad is all about “big moments”. And maybe it’s actually really appropriate for Max to tell Zoey about his feelings this way, in “big moments/grand gesture” style flash mob? To honor her dad...in a way. Cause Mitch loves these kind of moments & Mitch is No 1 in Zoey’s life, so...  maybe we’re all wrong in assuming it was “not Zoey’s style”? 
                      *************************************************
From Max’s POV this is what’s going on with Zoey/his relationship with Zoey: 
She ends their regular movie nights...with no explanation. Something that they’ve done...forever...since they are best friends. (He probably thinks it’s because of her dad’s health and that she’s focused on..that... after her promotion he even asks if her “weidness” is because of “her dad” and/or her now being his boss) 
She starts acting strangely...around him, and general...and she doesn’t talk to him anymore (it’s been implied that they’re BFF and talk about everything... but she hasn’t told him what’s up with her). He wonders if it’s because of her dad’s health and everything related to it (but he doesn’t know if its only because of that, or if there’s something more/else, too) 
He has feelings for her, but he doesn’t tell her (she only finds out cause she can hear his heart songs). Finding out that her BF has deeper feelings for her freaks her out, even though he himself does not pressure her or anything like that..yet. She is the one who assumes their “discussion” at work is presumed as “lovers quarrel” & she is the one who presumes that “is it a date” means he considers a meal together as date...when all he means is “are you free to go” (to the new place which they both wanted to go to..as friends) Up until the flash mob there is zero “pushing” from him. 
He only sings love songs to her when he’s single - during the time he’s dating someone else (Autumn) he stops singing to her, because he’s not a cheater. When he’s with someone, he’s with that someone, and devoted to that person..only. So he stops for a while. 
He sees & hears her say that the thing she had for/with Simon is over (1x06) & that she’s not doing any of that anymore. Since she doesn’t talk about any of it with him, this is all he knows so he assumes she meant it, and she’s done chasing the engaged man. This is also probably the only inside info she has on the whole Z/S situation - what he sees/hears during the “burnt roses” moment. (So... it is not a nice surprise when he learns in 1x08 that after everything her words were not true, cause it’s not all over/done with S...)
Why he doesnt believe her right away when she tells him of her powers: As a rational person he has a hard time believing her claims about superpowers at first. Also... it seems like such a “lie” to change the subject, and simply avoid giving him an honest answer (yes OR no) But after hearing some more facts he starts believing. And by the time she “glitches” he has no doubt that she’s going through all this...
Both Zoey and Max are emotionally challenged. (tbh, just like Max I believed Autumn when she said that all is cool when they broke up during their morning jog. I’m emotionally challenged, too. I honestly did not know that what she said and what she thought/felt were different, so I get why it came as a surprise to him to learn she wasn’t cool about it) The whole Autumn/Max break-up tells us that Max doesn’t get the subtle clues, and needs to hear the words to know the truth. Hence he believes what Zoey tells him... at first. 
He misreads her signals in 1x05 - 1x06 - 1x07 (”I need more Max”, reinstating their movie nights, touching his bicep, commenting she needs more Max in her life, checking him out when he’s shirtless, etc), and based on that confesses his love for her via flashmob. What surprises him is not so much that she doesn’t respond with the same, but that she doesn’t give him an answer...at all. (Mo explained it best to Zoey...later; the boy deserved an answer... even if it’s “I don’t know...yet”. Also... we’ve never heard her say that she didn’t appreciate it because it was a big gesture...so she might not be as uncomfortable with the gesture as we think) Instead she runs, and then she avoids giving him an answer, kinda changing the subject, and telling him about her powers. Instead of telling him the truth right away, cause truth might hurt, but it’s better than avoidance/ignoring. 
This is shown later in the episode, when after Zoey finally gives him her...messy & selfish answer... he’s hurt, but content. She tells him that the reasons why she isn’t ready to go from friends to more is because her focus has to be on her dad for now & because she’s afraid that “they” won’t work out & she’ll lose her best ftiend...for good... and she can’t risk that... at this time. This is not the answer he hoped for, but as Mo predicted...this is the answer he accepts. That can be seen in the elevator scene with Simon. He’s OK with waiting & this not being the right time (cause she needs to focus on her dad at the moment). He also doesn’t say they’re done, he asks what she asked - pressing pause on their traditional friends activities like movie nights. 
During the 1x07 end elevator convo he also learns that the totally engaged man has been “keeping tabs” on Zoey & Z/M. Which concerns him. Cause why is an engaged man looking at other women & paying attention to whom they socialize with (when his focus should only be on his fiancee)? Like Mo, he probably thinks “the guy is a player” after this convo. And again... he, as Zoey’s friend, is not in the wrong, when he thinks he should “protect” her from the morally questionable guy. 
Then in the “very next day basically” he learns that she wasn’t completely honest with him. And since she promised 100% honesty to him, he’s hurt that she as his friend isn’t being honest. She sings him a love song (it is possible that she wasn’t aware of her deep feelings for him...but after this she definitely is...100%)...but then tries to take back the honesty and claim that the truth she spoke is not the truth. But what really hurts him is how her “honesty” from their last convo turns out to be a lie (and we know it is, because we’ve seen Zoey tell her mom & Mo about her real feelings, not the cleaned up version she told Max at the end of 1x07) - and he voices why he’s upset. It’s not because she doesn’t return his feelings, it’s because she wasn’t honest with her best friend. Because through her heart songs he knows for a fact that she has feelings for him - that she loves him, too. So he’s not upset that she doesn’t love him back. He even says it during their bathroom convo - the best reason to be “mad” at her is that she told him she loves him/she’s his, when she didnt mean to tell him this (the truth). Meaning: she thinks it’s “unfair” he’s upset that “she sang him a heart song, when she didn’t mean to”... or in other words: she thinks it’s fair to keep the truth a secret from him...and this rigth after she promised 100% honesty to him... and he doesn’t agree with the secret-keeping. 
We saw Max’s feelings progression since Pilot: in 1x01 he THINKS he’s in love with her, in 1x02 he’s a SUCKER for her & by 1x07 he fully admits he LOVES her. With Zoey the timeline is..kinda... starting in 1x06... The “500 miles” moment is her “I think I love you” moment & her heart song to him in 1x08 is basically her “I love you” moment. 
She claims she isn’t ready for a relationship because she needs to focus on her dad right now, when in reality she really is torn between two men - and she wants Max to be her emotional support and shoulder to lean on (knowing he loves her, and knowing that he knows that she knows he loves her), while she herself is pursuing another man, Simon. An engaged man she’s obsessed with cause she “finds his body hot & has a grief bond with”. (in reality: her role has mostly been being his grief therapist - and she’s not really told him about her dad that much...so it’s pretty much one-sided anyway) But just as she didn’t want to be the other woman, he doesn’t want to be the other man/third wheel... and that’s understandable. 
Then when Max gets the job offer he goes to his best friend for support. And while I personally read the scene as him saying “no, that was not the right answer, but it gave me mine (I’m taking the job)” being a response to her asking “was this the right answer?” because this meant she wasn’t still being honest with him, and instead of giving her her true answer she gave him the answer she thought he wanted to hear... I am willing to accept that what the writers meant was that he wanted her to give a more personal answer and/or ask him to stay because he is a valuable member of the team. 
Her reply was as his boss, and co-worker/friend. She only focused on their work relationship, not their personal friendship. She’ll miss sitting across from him... not that she’ll miss him outside work (and  yes...it’s only two floors up, and working in different departments does not mean they can’t hang out oustide work...) but still her answer did not include her role as best friend/possible future romantic partner....even when he asked her to specify the “I’m Your’s Zoey’s” answer - she only focused on the work related part when replying...to that.  This gave him the clarity needed - she’s not into him, so he did the right thing & put space between them. Since she didn’t include the “I’m Yours Zoey” that meant to him that she’d choosen Simon...and  just as it’s very human to grieve and cheat...it's also very human to feel hurt/heartbroken. And he should not have to subject himself to seeing her with someone else (when he knows she has feelings for both) - making the same mistakes over again she’s made before with her relationships. So his choice was the right one...for both. They need time apart, time to grow as individuals, time to reflect... 
Yes his speech in 1x10 was directed mostly to her, but he was adressing the whole 4th floor/Team, really. Cause no-one stood up to give him a “good luck” hug when he came to collect his things. And his best friend didn’t even have any encouraging words to him...on the day he moved to the 6th floor.... and even admitted she didn’t get to get him a “good luck gift” (which he could just assume is because she’s busy with her dad, but we know that while she had 4 days to buy that pen/mouse...and didn’t, she managed to get a plant as housewarming gift for the other man in like 4 hours. And we also know that she voiced no concerns about losing her best friend and a good team member at work...while talking to Mo... yet she had lots of things to say about “the man who just broke up, and whom I said I would not chase anymore, but now that he’s been single for 4 seconds, we can make out and it’s not cheating this time anymore”... so she’s showing no signs of caring about his best friends life changes, while caring a lot about the other mans life changes) 
So of course he feels underappreciated on the 4th floor. The peer reviews, the boss, the team manager, the job offer... it all plays a part in his decision. And the D*rk Point boss knows exactly what to say...to make him feel appreciated...something he didn’t feel he got on the 6th floor... but he didn’t realize until he heard Ava point out his good work..with the maze, with the chirp pitch...and though he may not realize that Ava, too, has her own agenda, hearing that he is appreciated...as a worker & as a human...made him feel good  (we saw how important positive feedback is for everyone during the peer reviews plot), and he realized he didn’t get any of that, really, on the 4th floor. And once again... while he may have secretly wanted to hear her say “stay”, what he actually really wanted/needed was for her to encourage him, and show genuine happiness for him, and for her to be completely honest with him. And he didn’t feel like that’s something she could be right now. To put it in her own terms: “everyone is so nice & polite, and no one is giving me the raw & honest feedback”...cause her reply to him when asked about the job offer was “polished” & “nice”, not “honest & raw”. (and I think we all agree that her telling him to take it  & him taking it was the right move...for all... cause they both need space & to grow individually)
In the Pilot we learn that Max thinks he’s not management material & he’s not looking for career opportunity. So to Zoey's knowledge this is not in character for him? So whether or not he’s changed during the time between then & now, to Max’s knowledge she knows that he likes being just a coder. So for her to not know him...and not remember that he’s told her this, could be disappointing. So her reply: That’s a great career opportunity MIGHT tell him that she doesn’t know him and what he wants. (this is the flashmob argument: we, fans, think that a flashmob is “not Zoeys style” & we, fans, think that promotion is “not Max’s style”. We might be wrong, cause we don’t know everything about the characters + they can change...over time...)
Another thing she says to him when he asks advice regarding the job offer is “I would never stop you from going after what you want”. When they both know that what he really wants is her - he’s made it clear. And yet... here she is saying she’d not stop him, when she is “stopping him” from doing just that. And at the same time...as pointed out in the last part... is a promotion what Max really wants? Cause it is not the case for “1x01 Max”...and we & Zoey haven’t been made aware that he’s changed his mind. So... does his best friend not know him? (or does she known him better...and know he’s changed his POV on promotions)
Max & Zoey have been best friends & colleagues...for 5 years...since the first day on the job. From Max’s POV...something changed..suddenly...a few months ago. For a while he didn’t know why and what, but now he knows why.  And just like it took time for Zoey to adjust to her “power”, same applies to Max (adjusting to her powers). 
From Max’s POV...his best friend is dishonest with him, she avoids him, she has changed, she comes to him when she needs him... but she herself doesn’t offer anything back (yes, he is aware she’s grieving, and he understands it, but his best friend is not letting her friends help her during the time she needs to lean on family/friends). We have rarely seen her talk to him about anything else than office gossip...or her powers related stuff...recently. And it’s heavily implied they used to talk...all the time... about everything. His best friend also set him up with another woman...just to avoid him after she learned that he has feelings for her. His best friend claims her focus has to be her dad, and she can’t do more than friendship at this time, but at the same time she continues pursing another man. And this after she promised to be 100% honest with him. And she betrayes that trust the “very next day”. So he has every right to be upset, and hurt. 
Zoey has every right to be upset about the fact that she thinks Max is “pushing her to have feelings for him” (when they both know... for a fact..after her heart song that she does have feelings for him), but in this case Max has every right to be upset about the fact that he thinks “she is avoiding him”. She has the right to grieve, so does he. If she has the right to be upset that Simon doesn’t return her feelings... then Max has the right to be upset that she doesn’t return his feelings. The same rules have to apply to all, not just main character. And if you look at the storylines closely, you’ll see the parallels... the things that Zoey is upset about (fans are upset about) regarding Simon’s behaviour (when pursuing him) are the same exact things that Max is upset about regarding Zoey (his pursuit of her). The same way that some fans point out Max is “obsessed with Zoey” there’s a parallel story with Zoey is “obsessed with Simon”. All Max wanted from Zoey was what Zoey wanted from Simon - clarity. For her/him to have clarity. And just as she felt the other man didn’t have it, he felt that she didn’t have it. 
Because we, the audience, know that Zoey (thinks she has) has feelings for both men - her behaviour in past episodes (especially 1x06 - 1x07) and her heart song confirm that she has feelings for Max, and because he knows her secret, he knows that that’s a fact. So he has every right to be upset that she  “doesn’t like him back/doesn’t want to be with him”, when he knows that she does love him back, while claiming the opposite. And she won’t talk to him about it... 
From his POV it is as follows: they both have admitted they love each other. She claims she needs time to deal with her grief and can’t risk their friendship. She tells him she loves him...and the very next minute goes to another mans arms - that’s the part that upsets him. He’s not upset that she’s not returning his feelings/not wanting to date him, nope. He’s “upset” because he, as her best friend who knows her & her past relationships, knows that her thing with the engaged man will not end well for her.  And yes, he is not wrong in saying that in a case when she has feelings for two men it’s a better option to choose the best friend, who has always been there for her (she’s said this herself) than the totally engaged (until just recently) & morally questionable, emotionally unavailable grieving hot guy.                       
While Max choices have been just “mistakes” (perhaps not the best idea to confess your feelings via flash mob to a girl who only listens to podcasts?), then Simon’s choices have been actual “bad decisions” - cheating. And though both Simons & Zoey’s bad choices have been rooted in their grief/depression, they cannot “excuse” it with being a mess due to grief. Instead of continuing the downward spiral they should own their mistakes, acknowledge them as not good choices. It’s one thing to use the wrong gesture to confess your love to somone, and completely another thing to cheat on your fiancee (and blame it on being a mess cause of grief). Those two things should not be comparable. 
I can’t believe how some people see Max response to her “no one understand why you got the promotion” (translation: you didn’t deserve it) as harsh. Like her cruel words were “justified” because she’s grieving..or just because...even though she was not right to say them, but his behaviour has been “unacceptable”. Yes, his comments to Zoey are not the friendliest (when he’s telling why he chooses 6th floor over 4th... after the “The Boy is Mine” sing-off, but they are nothing compared to Zoey’s “you don’t deserve this promotion & you are selfish for not being there for me whenever I need something from you”. 
We can all see & understand that each character has flaws & makes mistakes & says some things they shouldn’t. But some of these things are “worse” than the others. And his reply to her rude-fuled-by-her-anger-phase-of-grieving comment to him was tame. He was actually quite calm & cool during his response to her (you’re calling me selfish?). And he directed the coded message at Zoey on the 6th floor directly at her because he knows she’s emotionally challenged, so she needed to undrerstand that it was directed at her, too...so she’d start understanding that she hurt him with her words/behaviour too. He wanted her to get that message, cause he had seen that until now she had no idea how her actions/inactions affect him. 
He may seem like being “upset” with her... but it’s also understandable, because she kinda broke his heart, and just as she’s allowed to not return his feelings, he’s allowed to feel sad that she doesn’t. To put it in “fairytale terms”. But he’s in no way pressuring her to return his feelings & start a relationship now. All he wants/needs from her is honesty & clarity. 
And mostly... when will Zoey finally give Simon the advice he needs - go see a professional therapist! What the man needs is professional help not a mind-reader, who is a mess herself. And is Zoey doesn’t stop keeping it all in and won’t talk to her family/friends about her grief, then she, too, will soon need professional help... (therapist). 
                        ******************************************************
Through all of this Max’s there for her:  he supports her when she’s interested in the new guy..(until he finds out the man is taken); he supports her to go after the promotion; he brings her dad... his “closest thing to a dad he’s had” soft food...that he can eat, he goes to support her when she gets a call about her dad’s health & he finds a way to get her to her dad..fast; he saves her “glitch song” and turns it into a pitch for the CEO; he goes to check on her, & gives her her mom’s message..even when he’s hurt by her (and on top of that he gives her good friend advice about her dad). And she does acknowledge this..on several occasions. So...this “social distancing” (physical distance between them during work & off work) is needed to make her/them start to see things from different perspective, and realize some truths... that only distance/change could give them. 
There is a real inconsistancy between what she really feels & thinks...and  what she says/acknowledges she feels & thinks. 
ETA: And it all won’t start moving forward & she won’t start character development until she’ll truly embrace her powers. Cause she still seems to view them as “burden” instead of “helpful tool”. Sure... she has started to realize the good she can do with having this ability (in general Howie/Abigail situation was the first time she really used her ability to really improve the situation & first time she really emphatized), but until she fully embraces it all, she’ll remain “lost”. The turning point will be actually losing her dad...for real. 
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abearcorner · 3 years
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My Favorite books and reading list for parenting
Sebagai seorang ibu yang baru, sesungguhnya sangat galau dan was-was nantinya apakah bisa menjadi ibu yang baik, bisa mengasuh dan membesarkan anak dengan baik, bisa jadi contoh yang baik dan yang paling penting bisa memahami anak secara optimal. Karena kebanyakan masalah yang terbentuk antara orang tua dan anak (setelah dia beranjak remaja dan dewasa) adalah komunikasi dan kurangnya pengetahuan orang tua tentang apasih sebenernya yang dirasakan dan diinginkan anak saat itu. Karena sebagai orang dewasa gabisa dipungkiri kalo pola pikir kita berubah. Jadi close minded dan sedikit merasa selalu betul dan tau apa yang dirasakan anak karena sudah melewati asam garam kehidupan. Well mostly that is true, every parents has been through tough times but that doesn't guarantee that you can understand everything. Krn dalam perjalanan hidup itu, setiap orang punya cara dan sudut pandang yang berbeda dalam menghadapi segala hal. Begitu juga dengan anak kita.
Please note that : every child is a different and unique individual. Ga bisa disamain sama si A si B si C atau sama diri kita sendiri. Dan ternyata, koneksi itu dibentuk sejak lahir! Saat lahir kita sama bayi kita sama-sama belajar untuk saling memahami. So don't miss out those precious moment :)
Jadi... begitulah. Si gita degdegan dan was-was banget menghadapi ini. Pokonya pasti maunya yang terbaik buat anak, tapi belum tau caranya. Selain belajar dan bertanya ke orang tua saya dan mertua beserta teman-teman saya yang udah duluan jadi ibu, saya mulai mencari-cari buku soal parenting yang diharapkan bisa membantu untuk lebih memahami anak dan tips and trick mengenai parenting dan perkembangan anak. Karena ya, (setelah nanya-nanya ke orang sekitar dan observasi) setiap orang tuh punya cara yang berbeda-beda dalam mendidik anak. Malah jadi bikin makin bingung. Jadi baiknya baca buku yg sesuai dengan preferensi kita ditambah insting alami kita sebagai orang tua aja udah paling bener (menurut saya).
So here is my favourite books and i will recommend this to anyone who's asking me for some advice (pede banget si git, baru juga seumur jagung jadi ibu)
1. The Baby Book by dr. Sears
This is a holy grail for every new parents. A must read, a must have. Nyesel banget dulu ga baca ini sebelum melahirkan. Mulai nemuin ini setelah direkomendasiin sama kakak ipar dan setelah menghadapi masalah per-ASI-an yang bikin galau dan stres.
Akhirnya ngepurchase buku ini dari online shop yang ngejual soft copy buku gitu. Dan ya Allah, alhamdulillah banget dikasi tau ada buku ini. Lengkap banget dong. Dan bacanya sesuai kebutuhan lagi (kita lagi ngadepin masalah apa). Fyi buku ini ditulis sama dokter anak yang udah senior banget dikalangan ngurusin anak dan beliau sendiri juga punya 6 anak wew.
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2. The Wonder Weeks by Van der Rijt
Awal mulanya ini direkomendasiin sama salah satu senior. Dan udah nyari hardcopy bukunya tapi abis dan mahal banget wkwk. Karena financial masih dihemat-hematin buat kebutuhan yang lain jadi ditunda dulu aja.
Sampailah pas usia 4-5 minggu tuh Thifa so cranky gituloh. Udah cek popok, abis mimik, tapi masih ga mau bobo. Maunya digendong terus. Sampe pusing ini kenapa, apa ada yang sakit atau kenapa. Ternyata ada yang namanya wonder week, masa dimana bayi lagi growth spurts dan dia jadi lebih aware sama lingkungannya, jadi masih ngerasa asing. Makanya jadi cranky dan biasanya frekuensi minum asinya meningkat karena lagi masa-masa pesat pertumbuhan. Akhirnya purchase ini pdf buku ini deh. Ada aplikasinya juga ternyata.
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3. Buku Anti Panik Mengasuh Bayi 0-3 Tahun by Tiga Generasi
Nah. Alhamdulillaah saya dapet ini dari hadiah seorang sepupu. Pas dibaca sekilas kok ya isinya singkat-singkat banget ya (krn biasanya saya suka baca yg banyak tulisannya) trus mikir lagi kenapa sih bukunya sampe direkomendasiin banyak orang?
Akhirnya yaudahlah di baca-baca ajalah itu secara skimming krn ya sesingkat itu. Sampai suatu hari chipa lagi cranky banget dan udah ngelakuin segala cara tapi masih nangis-nangis. Lalu teringatlah sama salah satu poin di buku ini yang judulnya "cara menghadapi bayi yang menangis" yaitu salah satunya dengan naik turun tangga. Akhirnya dicobalah sama si babanya chipa dan WOW! Langsung dieeeeemmm. Langsung anteng dong.
Jadi ya saya lanjutin lagi baca buku ini. Memang ringkas, tapi to the point dan bermanfaat banget kok informasinya. Cocok buat ibu-ibu yang baru melahirkan dan emang ga punya banyak waktu untuk baca. Recommended!
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4. Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids by dr. Laura Markham
Wah ga bisa ngejelasin gimana seneng dan leganya akhirnya nemuin buku ini. Ngajarin kita banget gimana caranya sabar dan meningkatkan kualitas hubungan kita sama anak. Kalo misalnya kita merasa lelah atau emosinya terpancing sama suatu hal, berarti sebenernya itu adalah masalah yang dulu kita hadapi waktu kecil yang belum selesai sampai sekarang. Jadi gampang ke trigger sama hal-hal tertentu. Ngajarin kita gimana caranya damai sama diri sendiri. Bukunya ditulis sama dokter psikiatri nih. Jadi emang tepat sasaran banget isinya.
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5. Happy Little Soul by Retno Hening
Buku parenting pertama yang saya punya. Bahkan sebelum nikah, disaat ini lagi booming-boomingnya. Beli cuma karena ikut-ikutan. Waktu itu juga belum tau banget sama Retno Hening dan Kirana, belum follow akun ig nya juga.
Dan ga bisa ga terharu tiap baca chapter buku ini :""""'")
Jadi ngerasa dilunakan dan dilembutkan hatinya sama caranya Retno Hening bertutur kata dan menjelaskan. Buku yang ngajarin kita tentang kasih sayang yang tulus antara orang tua dan anaknya.
Two thumbs up buat Ibuk, berhasil membuat saya menyadari bahwa lelahnya seorang ibu serta merta akan langsung hilang oleh kehangatan dan ketulusan yang dihadirkan oleh anak-anaknya. Dan saya yakin tidak mudah untuk mendidik anak menjadi anak yang baik budi dan mulia akhlaknya, tempat orang tuanya melepas penatnya. Terima kasih sudah memotivasi untuk berjuang membentuk keluarga kecil yang hangat dan tulus.
Sedikit kutipan dari bukunya :
Ibuk : Kirana, ibuk lagi sedih.
Kirana : Sedih? Ibuk sedih kenapa?
Ibuk : Ibuk kangen sama Ibuknya Ibuk...
Kirana : *puk puk puk ibuknya, senyum* Kan ada Kirana
Langsung berkaca-kaca bacanyaaaaaa
😭😭😭😭😭
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6. How to Raise an Amazing Child the Montessori Way by Tim Seldin
Overall ini baguus. Ngajarin kita gimana caranya memulai pendekatan montessori untuk mendidik anak. Tapi, saya ngerasa agak susah fokus pas baca buku ini. Karena ga terlalu dikelompokan gituu pembahasannya, jadi saya suka bolak-balik halamannya untuk mengulang membaca informasi yang saya butuhkan.
Notes : tapi saya baca buku ini pas lagi hectic magang dan pasca melahirkan jadi emang jiwanya aja kali ya yang enggak fokus wkwkwk
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7. Montessori Todler by Simon Davis
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8. Montessori di Rumah Seri : 55 Kegiatan Stimulasi Bayi, 55 Keterampilan Hidup dan 55 Kegiatan Matematika by Elvina Lim Kusumo
9. Sehat Lezat by dr. Tiwi
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Iniii bukunya bagus banget. Buat yang galau dan bingung sama apa yang bakal dilakukan pas babynya udah masuk 6 bulan, sila sila dibaca. Ini tuh tipe buku yang ruled by book (apa ya suka ngasal ngasi istilah). Intinya aturan baku mpasi itu ada semuanya disini. Mengenai feeding rules, informasi gizi dan jadwal makan. Lengkap banget pokonyaaa.
Tapi.... bukunya lumayan tebel, bahkan buat saya tipenya suka baca buku tebel aja effort banget baca ini. Halamannya juga gede-gede dan isinya tulisan haha kebayang gasi banyak bacaannya?
Luckily, this book comes with booklet. And this is my holygrail for MPASI. Karena ya semacam intisari dari bukunya gituloh. Lengkap, singkat, padat. Yang paling seneng tuh, jadwal mpasi jg dicantumkan disini. Untuk namatin bacanya pun ngehabisin waktu lama jadi ini selalu jadi acuan saya kalo misalnya sewaktu-waktu ragu akan suatu hal tinggal comot buku ini di meja. Recommended deh pokonya!
ps : saya juga udah pernah ketemu sama dr. Tiwinya sendiri dan enak banget diajak komunikasi :D
10. Rahasia Masa Kanak-Kanak by Maria Montessori
Ini recommended banget. 5 stars.
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Reading list :
1. The Whole Brain Child
2. How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen - A Survival Guide to Life with Children Age 2 -7
3. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
4. Absorbent Mind by Maria Montessori
5. No Bad Kids
6. 78 Resep MPASI dr. Meta
7. Tanya Jawab Nutrisi di 1000 Hari Pertama Kehidupan dr. Meta
8. Positive Discipline A to Z
9. Teach Me to Do It Myself
10. What to Expect the First Year
11. Montessori from the Start
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adevotedappraisal · 3 years
Text
The Carter Trilogy, part five of five
Conclusion: We know the pain is real, but you can’t heal what you never reveal
"Marriage,” Joseph Campbell, Professor of Literature at Sarah Lawrence College, once said in an interview with former White House Press Secretary and journalist Bill Moyers, “is not a love affair, it is an ordeal, the sacrifice of the ego to the twoness, which becomes the one,” and anyone can see that sobering, bone-dry realization in the mahogany roots of any failed marriage.
But that realization can come hot and stinging from a reckoning within the marriage too, one that comes out usually some mournful evening, with a mumbled greeting and then slow, prowling questions, until a lie justifying a confession comes, and then shaking hands and voices would report, hitting on shoulders in the same tempo as the judge's gavel one dodged all those years.
In our grandparents time, they got about three or so reckonings before the thing was up and done with, some of them ol' union-man unions kept on after that, but they got all heavy and colossal the more wet transgressions were uncovered. Nowadays, who knows how many you get, so everyone I know is walking around with their nose all clean, and their fist all balled up.
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Well, here we had presented to us in real time, a marriage of black royalty that survived such a reckoning. An under-reported yet typical three act play for marriages that usually played out in hushed, violently whispered conversations behind closed doors.
But remember, these aren’t diary entries, this is a years-spanning narrative, told over numerous time zones and of course, numerous UPC bar codes. These aren’t your friends, but instead are black entertainers that slotted themselves into the black consciousness as the couple of note, the way Nat King and Maria Cole, Ozzie and Ruby Davis, or Will and Jada Pinket-Smith did over the generations. They presented themselves as something larger and blacker than they themselves were, the same way we have to continually present ourselves to the eternal pyre of our own marriages.
Meaning, they won’t always get that expression out right in the studio, the same way we won’t always get the words out right during the anniversary night at the island hotel or whatever. Because that feeling you feel in the song is a feeling they took take after take to get right, that beat after beat was forded towards.
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Jay Z and Beyonce ultimately monetized their best talents, and created a national conversation on the nature and shape of American marriages, but at the same time left some of their wisened observations and most iconic moments ensconced in dated production, like with 4:44s “Moonlight,” and Lemonade's “Sorry." And let’s not forget that Love Is Everything is as mid as their Bonnie and Clyde collaborations throughout the years promised it would've been.
That’s said, I like how pro-black the two first singles from their albums were. “Formation" got your black noses and fists raised, and commanded you into a shucking, trap jive, while “Story of OJ" was a downbeat groove, a chopped-up, Nina Simone-led basement afterparty to Queen Bey's Black Broadway parade.
And I like the duo on the foot-stomping testimony of “Family Feud,” where Jay reaches across hip-hop generations over Beyonce’s swaying harmonies, Jay accenting his “and old niggas, let’s stop acting brand new/ like Tupac ain’t had a nose ring too,” among the ringing piano.
Later on the song, Jay not only struggles with his household crown, he relates his troubles to Michael Corleone in the opening scene of 1974s The Godfather Part II. “My consciousness was Michael’s common sense, I missed the karma that came as a consequence/ niggas bussing off in the curtain cuz she hurtin', Kay losing the baby with the future’s uncertain,” he says, with unencumbered eyes, while Bey's recurring “higher, higher” swirl around him like curling affirmations. They reconcile the song at the end, reminding you of this black cultural wonder they are, the thing we wanted Whitney and Bobby to be throughout the nineties, these stewards to a possible black renaissance if we can all keep the weight up.
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But there’s something that’s missing here across this trilogy. There’s this lack of clarity in the narrative, and that lies mostly with the mercurial Beyoncé. Jay Z is baring his guts here, confessing to affairs, neglect and a lack of empathy from his cold, cold heart, while on the songs across Lemonade and Everything Is Love, there’s a lightness in the confession department, a lack of that one softly thrown line from her that could bare all on the floor.
But you know, maybe I’m being too hard on the Queen, after all, this is just some story being played out of a box by characters that we treat as a couple in the family. When the glowing screen shows me other scenes from a marriage I don't get all constructive and demanding, I just sit back and take it all in. I mean I never really demanded any of this clarity or confession from The Godfather’s Kay Adams, so I shouldn’t from Beyonce Knowles-Carter either.
Although, come to think of it, in those first scenes of The Godfather I always thought it was strange that Kay still fell for Michael after he told her that Johnny Fontane story at the table all calm-like while sipping his drink. She knew he wasn’t gonna go straight right? She knew she was going for a cool ride with this Mafioso didn’t she? I mean why wasn’t she dating one of the other teachers at that school she taught at when he showed up all of a sudden? What was her whole deal in this game? What was she steering Michael to become? Wouldn’t it have been cool to get a couple scenes of her whole side of the plot? I’m just saying though, wouldn’t that have made that classic drama even more grand, even more ill?
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