#its gonna hurt all over again

[aleki-lives-here]

Re-reading the novel does not make me feel prepared for what is to come. I'm closer and closer to Jin Ling's one month celebration, and I close the book every paragraph because soon everything's gonna go to shit, and I'm so not ready

If I don't read it, it's like it never happens, right?

Right? T-T

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #im so not ready #its gonna hurt all over again

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

[luck-of-the-drawings]

"You'll never drown if you keep swimming.." very nice words to hear after the stressful ordeal of making a deal with the devil! I REALLY LOVE JAY FERIN. when shes not carrying the team in battle shes very much carrying more emotional luggage than others seem to give her credit for. im cheering for her! go girl, go get the team together!

#jrwi fanart #jrwi riptide #jrwi show #jrwi riptide spoilers #BWUHH SO I FINISHED THIS ONE RECENTLY ACTUALLY #IT WAS ROTTIN IN MY WIPS FOREEEVERRRRR GWUHHH IM SO HAPPY TO SET IT FREE #I HAD SUUUCH A HARD TIME WITH THE GODDAMN HANDS HERE.... #IF U THINK THAT LOOKS GOOD THEN U BETTER BELIEEEEVE I BLED FOR IT!!!! #IN other news tho #chips sad boy arc!! i loooved seeing him get all sad n self hating. sayin hes not a good friend or a good pirate or AAAA #baby gorl..... i think its neat to see characters that normally try their best to build themself up soo much finally crumble #i liked seeing the Bastard Title finally get to him. and i like how hes acting after getting thru that arc! #like on one hand hes actin like sooo much more of a baby lately but its like. thats just how he stands up for himself. yknow? #the HEY. BE NICE! sorta stuff. LOVE that for chippy like yeeeess baby girl tell ur friends that they hurt ur feelings #what else can i say here.... NIKLAUS. OUH. OUHH MY GOD NIKLAUS I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH #I LOVE HOW HE TALKS TO JAY I HOPE THEY CAN TALK MORE IN THE FUTURE... godddd i jus wanna see him again.......... #anywyay thats all my thoughts im gonna go obsess over prime defenders again baaaaiiiiiii #IF YOU SAW A TYPO NO U FUCKIN DIDNT

[ace-apple]

me when theres more corruptions and deaths and villain arcs and possessions and whered the joy go wheres the joy. will they heal can they heal please can we get something good for once i thought we learned from the dsmp ending

#qsmp crit #qsmp neg #im sorry just. hearing that theres possibility for ANOTHER deeply hurt character to have a fucked up corruption villain arc #is making me a bit tired. #i really hope cellbits villain character is gonna be not qcellbit and instead a new character #cuz im so tired of all these cubitos getting kicked while theyre down over and over and over again #its turning into dsmp pacing again for me and im sick of it #id love to have a new fucked up villain character a la elquackity! #i just dont want it to be someone we already knew just turning awful for no reason. #maybe its just cuz qcellbits whole self loathing thing hits rlly close to home for me #and i really just want that guy to be offered a hand by the rest of the islanders #i just. AUGH. #its all purgatory it all comes back to purgatory #qsmp #im just. cccellbit i trust you. but im also begging you to make the villain a new character your cubito has been thru enough

[craycraybluejay]

I miss him so much I kind of want to go back to burning in hell if it means that I can hug him and kiss him and make him laugh himself to sleep again

#im not normal about the people i love at all #personal #this is meant to be vague because if i talk about it more ill say some very deranged shit #sometimes you just want to walk into hell and feel unimagineable agony just to hold someone else there and tell them #its gonna be okay #i can protect you #i can save you #give me time #and i will burn down everyone who has ever hurt you #and if that includes me then i will gladly set myself on fire till i die too #and i hope it doesnt #not because im afraid to die but because im afraid to have hurt you #and maybe i would live that hell all over again if it meant you were a stranger who had never been there #who had never been touched by the evil we both know #but also im selfish #and if you were a stranger id have a third empty hole in my heart #the biggest one #just for you #and #only for you

[digirainebow]

i didn't think jacob would be arguing with olivia, wanting it almost as much as her. what the hell. i expected the self defeated, taking one for the team attitude but actively needing it like her? when he had been trying to stop her all night? i feel like i've been blasted by a buckshot

#digi discusses #the world needs more jacobs and i just took him out of it #did he go back to being a kid again? to see the lights of possibility again? #to feel like he's doing something exciting and worthwhile again not by making art but by being “freed” by maggie's knowledge once more? #or did he. choose another timeline entirely? augh i'm gonna have to watch the ending back again...where did he go... #maggie would be turning in her graaaaaave to know he chose this. she would hate that for him she would h a t e it #the anna parallels. stuck between time only able to hear him on radios if you are lucky. fuck off #becoming an urban legend...i think he would have liked that. immortalized just like he wanted. ugh wait did riley do that for him #but the details getting lost his name becoming warped over time? i think riley (and i) would feel it was almost disrespectful to his memory #the fact he puts meeting riley on the same pedestal as saving camena. god god god god. even when they aren't friends they are. #riley talking to athena like a person like he did. i am MISERABLE #its the dys exocolonist thing all over again. he's happy and that's...good. but he could have been just as happy if he'd stayed too #every single time i think about the hug i'm going to cry #every single ending has done this to me there is literally no winning #being kinda mean to him was bad enough but this ending just feels! it feels like riley. like i. drove him to. #girl i need to log off bye #oxenfree II spoilers #yeah there's the essay. just took a minute #i will make another one about hurt healed olivia in a bit too because that. made me sob. that one hit really...close to home #he says when he was a teenager he would have fallen for it if someone told him he could open a portal in the sky and make things better #what a liar he would still do it now #EDIT: NO i knew it he says almost exactly what nona says after you hug her when you hug him. the orange-associated characters strike again

[frecklystars]

I miss Starscream. I miss when TF wasn't a goddamn trigger

#looking at RID references for someone's commission #and crying my eyes out :') i want my starlight back #i want my fucking joy back #fuck my abuser how can you give someone ptsd and feel absolutely no remorse #how do you abuse someone relentlessly when you know they're at their worst and not give a shit #how do ppl like that exist. i can only hope karma hits u like a bus ❤ #3 years!!! of loving stsc!!! and i FLINCH at him??? i CRY when i see him?? he used to feel so safe and loving #i never felt safer with anyone else!!! and now it's like that safe feeling is so foreign. i just want to get better so bad #im so fucking empty without my special interest i dont know how to function day to day #looking at my loved ones and genuinely wholeheartedly believing they'd betray me and hurt me for my abuser #is the fucking worst feeling in the world and i wish i could go back in time and stop myself from meeting my abuser #i wish i listened to my gut i had such a bad gut feeling abt her CONSTANTLY #and yet i stayed bc she kept insisting she was gonna off herself if i didnt cater to her every emotion #over and over and over and over #i wish i could go back in time and change everything #its so hard!!!! you dont know!!! you dont know how hard this feels im struggling every day!!!! #TF was all i had and now it's gone and self shipping is supposed to be my escape #i just want my life back #i dont care what bad things happen to me if i just had stsc i know i'd get thru it but i cant anymore #everything hurts so bad all the time and im so scared im never gonna feel okay again #vent #delete later

[dandyshucks]

i havent watched wrestling in so long but i saw some gifs of tonight's match and. whew. that stuff is crazy.

#i dont think i have a very good understanding of wrestling still 🧍 #im gonna embarrass myself by admitting this but . abdjdkdl #i thought wrestling was real hurting each other up until last year. and then i found out it was staged #and so i assumed oh they dont actually get hurt then i guess. maybe they fake concussions and stuff or maybe that happens accidentally #and uhm. now i think thats wrong again DBFJDML now im back to ''oh wait. they do actually hurt each other.'' #i was like oh okay its all staged so that blood must be fake that I've seen in some photos online #THE BLOOD IS REAL. THE BLOOD IS REAL! WHAT !!! #whats his face had glass cuts all over him. help? what is happening #im just here for the homoeroticism 😭😭😭 im sorry for not being a real wrassle boy fan yet fjffkdl I'll get there eventually #its just A Lot to try to understand so i keep bouncing back and forth on being interested and thinking its too much work #anyways i was originally going to say that the blood was hot but then i got distracted oops #but good golly i hope these guys are like... okay. because wow that was. a lot! #dandy.cmd

[just-spacetrash]

🫥

#bereal is ruining my lifeeeeeeee urghhhhhhhhhhh #all my friends are like having a lovely dinner or something apparently</3 while im at home all alone #and like i know im not as close to them as they are with each other i know #and i understand and i know its my fault for not reaching out and shit i knowwwww #i just dont like seeing the reminders fsgdgdhhd #and i cant even reassure myself with 'oh obviously theyll see eachother more often than u do u live in another city' #but few of them live in another city too😭😭 #i know im not a home dinner friend... it just hurts to see again and again #im trying my best but i dont even know how id become a home dinner friend #not heartbreak of a night but like. a bummer of a night anyway #public diary moment over im gonna watch video essays #my post

[blobbei-art]

Listen up, listen up

There’s a devil in the church

Got a bullet in the chamber and

This is gonna hurt

#theresia #ocs #art #my art #artists on tumblr #yeah im finally drawing a little again after some major art block #im either uploading a lot over the course of like a week or nothing at all for months lol #anyway theresia my beloved #ive revamped her backstory a little and its STILL kind of messy aaaugh #either way that doesnt stop me from drawing her with a cool church aestehtic #the caption are lyrics from This Is Gonna Hurt by Sixx A.M. #which is VERY much her vibes. on top of her playlist

[august--and-everything-after]

#a couple of them are genuinely very sweet BUT no one has made the effort to reach out to me after i was laid off from a job that everyone #knew was really fucking important to me so how much did they actually care yknow? #kind of want to just cut everyone off and start over its not like we talk anyways #the only thing stopping me is these 'what if' scenarios where they decide they want to have me back in their lives again #but like who am i fooling thats not gonna happen babe #if they haven't done so by now - more than 2 months out - then theyre not gonna #idk it's hard making a final decision to cut connections i thought meant something #i went to a coworkers *wedding* but when I messaged her recently i got a flat conversation-killing response #i dunno man i think this is all hurting me more than any potential benefit could help me #August talking

[scarah-screeeaaammss]

I hate resellers. Like a lot. like okay I get it, sometimes that's the only way someone can keep themselves on their feet. I'm not mad at them. I'm pissed about people who clearly don't need to go thrifting and reselling who do it anyway and it's like bro. Come on. Don't you feel a little bad? don't you know that thrifting is already getting more expensive??

#personal #obviously there is a lot of nuance to this like i know this #but so often i just see people going out of their way to buy things that people could have had otherwise and then selling it for more #like fuck off okay its also not helping the pricing on second stuff rn anyway #i have found so many items at thrifts lately that are way more expensive than they have any right to be #and its like bro its not even worth that come on #like i said i get it if thats the one thing youre able to do to have money #i have been there once or twice bc of emergencies #again those are not the people im mad at #but god. its so infuriating #like also again yes its your money and time and you can do whatever you want with it #but do you ever stop to think about who youre affecting and who you might end up hurting? #its that rich kid 'upcycling' all over again i think #oh and then resellers as in im gonna buy this limited item and then double its price for no reason #like truly fuck off if you do that #i know sometimes you might end up selling later on for whatever reason (i get it be it boredom or money is tight) #but those ones who'll put up the listing before theyve even bought the item? fuck those guys fr

[lemoncake438]

How do u know if its love or mental illness?

#I'm so fucked up in the head #so glad I have therapy later #love #bpd #bipolar #fawn response #like ugh I am so fucking afraid of myself #I take a look at my past 3 relationships and I have absolutely devastated all three of them and I don't want to hurt anyone else #but I'm literally 3 for 3 in the ruining lives department and like okay yeah 1 and 2 eventually got over it and moved on but what if 3 #never does? I mean I guess its all so new and raw but like I feel so awful. I feel like I'm never allowed to love again until I can like #not hurt people? but I think we are all always gonna hurt people. ugh love is so stupid I wish I could just turn it off!! #I wish I could just rip it out of my chest and fucking kill fucking beat the shit out of my heart so it never dares to feel or want again #and then I get surprised when I tell people that and they look at me like they're going to cry #why in the world should I be allowed to love?? when it clearly does so much damage?? #and then its worse right because then when I love someone I google the symptom of every fucking mental illness imaginable. bpd. bipolar. #adhd. autism. you name it I've searched it. and like I have bipolar so then I start invalidating my own love. I tell myself things like #oh youre just manic and thats making you think that this person is in love with you. oh you're just manic you think you are the center of #everyone's universe. oh you're just manic you aren't actually happy around them they just enable your ugly illness #and then like the things in question that are making me think this as like totally valid and normal things #like oh you're just manic you think they love you- my brother in christ they remember the smallest details about me and always know how to #make me laugh. we can't lock eyes longer than a few seconds before we both smile etc etc etc #but then it gets analytical- you know? bc then my brain is like ok we have to disprove our own personal bartholomuel that nafty brainworm #but you cant logically analyze something like love I don't think #right and then like I'm so deep in this hole of analyzing I start running the simulations of all the damage I'll do if/when it ends poorly #because I'm a piece of shit and I always always always go stir crazy and lose myself in it and panic and try to run and then bury my own #personality and wants and needs bc I want so badly to be loved I subconsciously shape shift myself into their ideal partner #right okay so then I'm minmaxing it- I'm speed running the imaginary relationship in my brain start to finish every single day and living #in a fake scenario where we break up every single day thousands and thousands of times over and none of that even happened #its like- because I have to prove to myself that its pure and genuine love and not mental illness or attachment or pure lust allows this #evil part of my brain to just take over and go hog wild torturing me with all these awful situations that don't even exist!!

[devildairymilkfairy]

.

#man im really tired of having feelings for him. i should really just keep my distance and go back to dating apps #i long for the connection we have and hate having to build up something brand new #but im really tired of feeling butt hurt everytime he sleeps with our roommate #like yeah we broke up over a year ago. and still casually do shuff. its just hard for me to turn off that side of my brain #i just want to feel loved and be held by someone without having to build the foundation all over again #ive been depressed the past few days because of it. i act irrationally and cant control my feelings #overall its better if i just let them fuck around and i try to find someone new. only problem is im anxious and not a good conversationalist #plus i hate messaging people over phone. too much anxiety abt what im saying and if the other person enjoys me or not #anyways it sucks seeing the subtle evidence that they went at it while i was away. i have no right to be upset but i cant help but think of #him as more than a friend. i cant and shouldnt but we had dated 6 years previously. its a bit difficult to turn that switch off now #dammit i guess tonight im gonna sleep alone again and try not to cry. whatever gotta get over myself and move on. have to stop only thinking #of my self and being so damn possessive all the time #ash rambles #fuck i feel worse now after typing all that out yippee..

[rintoki]

every day i think about how rindou is in the top 3 for worst in viciousness and also best boyfriend….. EVERY . DAY…..

#i’m literally going crazy with all the new info #not even gonna bother saying this will be the last post i’ll make rambling on about this again bc i know it won’t #i can’t get over it i simply can’t #we all know why kakucho is worst at being vicious bc he’s soft at heart #and he doesn’t like needlessly hurting people #BUT RINDOU TOO ???? #HES JUST A BIG SOFTIE I CANT #it’s such a turn around from the whole ‘rindou is a sadist’ thing ???? #like ??? so its just an act then ?? #he pretends to be tough in a fight #well it’s either that or he simply doesn’t care enough about fighting in general #it might be that yea #idk but #i lov he so much 🥹🫶🏼 #SECOND BEST BOYFRIEND #ABOVE KOKO 🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣 #A B O V E K O K O #LIKE HELLO ????? #literally seen how far kokonoi would go for his love #and RINDOU IS ABOVE THAT ???? #goodnight i can’t shut up about it #sin.txt #NO I ACTUALLY N E E D WAKUI’S REASONING FOR THIS #IT MUST HAVE BEEN WELL THOUGHT OUT TO PUT HIM ABOVE KOKO #omg i’m going crazy #i wanna buy the book but it all in japanese so i can’t read it anyway 🥹

[mejomonster]

I'm getting a little better babes guess who just had pumpkin bread today! And kimchi all week! And potatoes bread yesterday!

#rant #my health issues #ueah i know it doesnt sound like a big deal #but september 2021 i couldnt eat liquids or solids at all and was vomiting nonstop #november 2021 i could eat mushy vegetables of somr kinds and mushy meatballs #and was still throwing up often #now i havent thrown up at all in a month #i havent been able to eat cabbage in over a year. it would cause immense pain whrn i tried #and thus whole week? NO PAIN FROM THE KIMCHI CABBAGR #i also havent been able to eat bread of any kind for a year. i had a little bread in spring 2022 until #food tolerance lowered again and i couldnt tolerate even a bite #i am trying small portions of breads and cabbages again and its going okay! #slight 1-2 pound bloating like a normal person response #but no intense pain and stopping my medicine from moving my gi tract anymore! #i am gonna try beans eventually but they hurt super bad too from even 1 spoonful when i tried in august #so im a bit scared to try them again #i did try potatoes and while i tolerated them a liytle. they definitely slowed my gi tract and made me flush #but im Actually Sensitive to potatoes. so its not a this past year health issue thing. its a lifetime sensitivity #so im just glad i could eat somr potatoe without intensd pain. it shows im going back toward normal function for me #4ather than how sick ive been #also magnesium is FINALLY hitting me like a normal person! #rhis past year if i took like 8 capsules magnesium citrate it would do nothing #yesterday i took 3 the suggested dosage and it made me use bathroom in a couple hours #which i was shocked by cause. ive had 10+ for like a week in a row befote and they didnt help at all