#ive just accepted that im not really destined to be with other people. im not lonely. im just alone

[femme-malewife]

Pondering. Wondering if a few moots from x server consider me their friends. Should I add their names to my friends list? Am I the only one who think we’re good enough to be considered friends?

#this friendship stuff is complicated... #tbh though i dont talk to very many people... #even on my friends list #like it may seem like i have a ton of friends but i talk to like 3 people #2 of which its not that often #hnmggg. #i try but i think im just a shit conversationalist #also my interests are always running rampant so i can never stay on one topic and i think thats partially the reason why people #become so disinterested in talking to me #like yeah my likes will remain the same but if im not pouring my soul into it then who cares right? #it happens everytime i get back into an old hyperfixation. people care less abt talking with me until im back to what they like #barely even humor me with responses #its pretty restricting tbh. but ig im pretty used to a lonely life. i dont have any friends irl #i mean i have 1 but they live in another state and i havent seen her since the start of the pandemic. and prior to that it'd been over a yr #i have work pals who i get along with but none care enough abt me to want to keep in contact #ive just accepted that im not really destined to be with other people. im not lonely. im just alone #hhh i dont even remember what the point of this post is #if you read this far hi how was your friday

[deadahhmf]

Idk if you accept x reader requests but I feel like shooting my shot lol

(Sorry if I do it wrong I don't request often lol)

NB reader who love going on long and strenuous hikes forcing asl trio on a rlly long hike

Thank-you for looking at this request even if I did it wrong I appreciate it ^^

Here is a hiking pic for inspo (it's of a hike I went on)

♠︎going on a hike with the asl trio

♠︎reader is black and non-binary

♠︎can be seen as platonic or romantic with any of the brothers

♠︎a/n: thank you soo much for this request its my first request on this blog and i am very thankful! also i didn't know if you wanted it seperate or together so i just did them together if that's ok(if you'd like them separate just tell me like seriously tell me and I'll re-do it)

•they are indeed very adventurous people i mean they are pirates and they would even wander off as kids, though if you force them im sure they'd want to go anyway jusy bring a lot of snacks

•they would 100% like to go on hikes with you. and since your very adventurous they love it when you find new and unknown spots to simply look at not raid, or steal anything, or save anything it's just one little spot for ya'll.

•i feel after one long hike of taking breaks in the middle(sabo got a lil tired), some small incidents(ace tripped and fell into some type of river) and lots of nagging suprisingly(luffy is the type to say "are we there yet" over and over again)

•they would love to sit and watch the waterfall run with you and it will be for a long while most likely because you guys spent almost hours walking and going through luffy. yes luffy was the most annoying yet he was the most up to it

"are we there yet?" the boy askd for almost the 100th time you would've said what you kept repeating 'no luffy, just wait some more' but you saw your destination sighing to yourself.

"yes luffy, we're here come look!" a smile spreads across your face as you see the waterfall close up. "im suprsied your ahead of your brother's since you were complaining so much." you laugh out.

"huh? what's that supposed to mean eh?" he says offended like. you roll your eyes in amusement at luffys attitude looking behind him to see the two others.

"oh! ace, sabo, we're here now hurry up on over!" you wave your arm as you see them hurriedly get closer to the two of you with a warm smile spreading on their faces as they see the view of the waterfall.

"this is it correct? wow (y/n) you were right this is really pretty." sabo's eyes continued to stare at the scenery in awe ace doing the same.

"told you guys it would worth it all the while. now whose hungry?" luffy's face lit up on what he heard, "ooh! me! what do we have? is it meat? what is it what is it?" he exclaimed in excitement.

"yes luffy it's meat, now you three come and sit down." the three scatter over to the spot in which you sat as you got the food out handing it to the brothers.

"aaaah this is what ive been waitin' for food." Ace grabbed the food from your hands before laying on your thigh instantly digging into the food.

"this was really fun (y/n)! can we do this again?" sabo asked as you gir him full attention. "of course we can, it was nice hanging out with the three of yall i really wanna do this again."

being together with the three of them made you happy. and boy did it make them happy you were happy, it was fun to spend time with you and theu couldn't deny it even if they tried.

look at me writing on this blog more im lovin it! @gaybitchfx @rome-alone / @reallyromealone @bloodyfennec @lostsomewhereinthegarden

#one piece x black reader #one piece x reader #one piece x gn reader #one piece x non-binary reader #non binary reader #gn reader #black reader #sabo x reader #sabo x gn reader #luffy x gn black reader #luffy x reader #ace x reader #ace x black reader

[lowtideandhightea]

having some thoughts abt durge/shadowheart romance, spoilers below

to start with i wasnt really expecting this to go well, id heard spoilers that indicated shar was gonna be a little bitch abt it but that kinda worked for the story i wanted to tell - shadowheart and my durge lyss making each other worse, reinforcing their separate indoctrinations, etc etc. women's wrongs power couple would have been nice, but i was also pretty interesting in the slow tragedy of two women who almost escaped their worst impulses, that the love you wished would give them the strength to leave instead gave them the strength to stay and then rotted the happiness out of itself.

i know ive seen other people talk with disappointment about how theres no bonding over your mutual amnesia and that also sucks but man. what really gets me is the dissonance.

like, shadowheart is sooo pissy about lyss killing a selunite cleric, subjecting the harpers to shar's shadowcurse. like, yeah, the bhaalspawn enjoys the feast of death or whatever, but girliepop, that was as much a sharran win as a bhaalist one.

but yk, fine, fine, that is technically before she commits herself to becoming a dark justiciar by killing the nightsong, theres leeway there.

so why is even a dark justiciar shadowheart so judgemental abt killing investigator valeria?? what, babygirl, makes this somehow worse than killing dame aylin??? it is literally the same thing. im just as destined and chosen by bhaal as you are by shar, and we both are spilling celestial blood in an unholy consecration of that destiny. what the fuck.

and like, i get that a huge part of shadowhearts narrative arc comes from her cognitive dissonance, her desire to not be Like That competing with the fact that being Like That is exactly what shar demands. but like. it feels like if shes on the dark justiciar path, there should be more space for her to recognize the parallels. especially when last light was a p prime example that our goals can align.

idk theres such frustrating tonal whiplash constantly, as sharran shadowheart is virtually indistinguishable from selunite shadowheart in how she responds to dark urge accepting bhaal :/

it made the cutscene after house of grief a bit funny. "hope youre not trying to steal shar's favor from me." "of course i am. im much better at wickedness than you." well, thats for damned certain.

#bg3 #bg3 spoilers #rambling abt an evil romance with shadowheart :/ #shadowheart

[oathofkaslana]

was just rereading your predictions/hopes for endgame content and I was wondering about your views on the Tsarista right now? Sincee (like you pointed out) she’s very likely a bronya Expy; you probably know the most bronya lore out of anyone ive ever known— so do you have predictions/theories for how her arc is gonna go in accordance to hi3 or even GGZ bronya?? 💜💜💜

OUGHH!! YAYYYYY BRONYAAAAA :3 MY LIL GUY BRONYA!!

bronya's arc in hi3 is verrry tied to humanity and emotions so im not very surprised that they made her an archon of love and the archon with. potentially the most loyal nation to her. (also semi-unrelated but it really reminds me of her chronicles where she has to piece herself back together in her dreams and the other parts of her are characterized as evil witches of other kingdoms. a lot of those chronicles deal with bronya finding agency within herself to deny the belief that she's destined for war and loneliness. AND because i find that hsr is easier to compare to genshin because they're both more fantasy than hi3, from what my dear friend told me! bronya is a princess in star rail who accepts the ruling position over her planet(?) after her mother betrays them and dies. she shoves aside her own grief and betrayal for the sake of her people and lies about her mother's crimes so as to not break the peoples hearts.) putting this together w what we already know i think the tsaritsa's arc will be dealing with almost the same things.. i feel like gnoses could be tied to the agency theme in bronya's story (seeing as theyre literally given by celestia and something stolen from the dragon sovereigns) and ofc. the emotions. x-10. etc etc. like all the other archons i don't think she has bad intentions. i think she has her own specific reasons and i think she does harbor a love for people even if it isn't currently being displayed the same as it was before. i wonder if they're gonna do an x-10 reference...... but maybe it being the passing of cocolia? hm..

#gi #monard/crepe tag #ty for the ask as always!! i hope youre having a wonderfully kind day!

[branmer]

saw a good thread about being perpetually single on twitter and it got me thinking

ive come to the conclusion, over time, that im not destined for romantic love. i was in love once in my twenties. it didn't work out, and at this point in my life im just coming to accept that im probably never going to find a partner. i thought i had accepted that already (and was enjoying my single life!) but i guess since i turned thirty the realisation of just how much harder a lot of things are (especially financially) when you are single is hitting me and ive been struggling with it more. it's knowing that you only have yourself to depend on the majority of the time and that whatever the future holds; happiness or disaster (the latter gives me so much anxiety about the future), you will endure alone. and then there's the social weirdness of living in a world that idealises romantic love above all others and looks down on singledom as a sad, lesser state. and it makes you feel bad about yourself and like there's something wrong with you. but, you know what, i am no longer interested in indulging in bad date after bad date just to make other people feel less weird about the fact that i am single and have been for a long time and will be for a long time in the future, likely the rest of my life. i am done. im making peace with it. i'd rather focus on the things in my life that are good, build the life that i want, independent and happy. i find value in my life and i enjoy it, and i'd rather embrace the benefits of my independence than dwell on the drawbacks

granted saying that is easier said than done, and probably i will live my entire life with a bit of longing in my heart (and fuck me if the last couple of years haven't been hard. there've been days where i've been so depressed about it i haven't been able to stomach shippy fanfic because romance upset me so much), but i want to enjoy the time i have on this earth and not spend it making myself miserable, and that's what im gonna try and do and maybe one day ill drown that cruel hope in a life that's good

idk probably none of this makes sense, im just rambling, but anyway this is the thread, it's really good. she articulates.... fucking everything ive been feeling, it's an incredible thread:

#if anyone wants to @ me with obnoxious platitudes along the lines of 'you'll find someone! it's not too late!!' #please do NOT #also don't suggest im aromantic or asexual im not #will probs delete later

[riahsaur]

Ya know

Ive never lived my life in a way that is true to me. Im not even sure where to begin on that, but I have been reflecting on what that could mean.

I try not to spend so much time in the past anymore, as I can't erase all of that ugliness, rejection, and pain. However, I think identifying WHY we do these compulsive things is valuable and offers better insight to yourself in your healing journey!

I would be lying if I said I didnt feel incredibly stunted because if the fact that I've smothered any semblance of autonomy, or a personality for a very very long time. However, I would also be lying if I said I am not thankful to have gone through it all.

I know that the reason I have been hiding in myself for this lifetime so far is because of the fact that I was raised as a hated member of my family, that was seen as someone who was unintelligent, too emotional, and aggressive. I was told so often that I wasnt good enough. Beaten for underperforming, beaten for trying to be myself. Put down for any semblance of an individual identity I would've wanted for myself.

I looked to my peers in my younger years as people who lived these wonderful lives that I knew I would never be able to have, and wrapped myself around them so that I could feel any semblance of the love, acceptance, and support that they had. While there were certainly plenty of moments with certain rare people that I did feel safe with at the time where I was able to express myself, and be free. I also decided firmly that I was nothing but garbage and those people were destined to abandon and hate me just like how I was raised to know people thought about and treated me.

I lost myself. Hard.

I used to be a queer, adventurous kid with a loud and fearless mouth. As I grew older, and the abuse got worse and I saw that I really didnt matter to anybody I had loved. I closed up and turned to substances as a comfort, and people who didnt love or care about me but showed me the attention and "acceptance" that I was so hungry for at the time.

It is very, very strange to be 27 and, for the first time in my life, able to actually consider Who I Am. To learn to let myself trust that I can be happy being just me. Without overperforming and assuming disingenous roles that served only other people out of a sick desperation for love.

It's terrifying.

I feel like, though I never really had a world prior, my whole world has gotten swept from under my feet. All the frayed tethers of "love" and "connection" I haphazardly compiled finally proved to be flimsy and unsafe. I am happy for this.

I hope, I really hope, that I get the opportunity to experience living wholly and unapologetically again. This time not with the burden of hiding abuse, and my own internal struggle with self harm and suicidal thoughts and actions. I am looking forward to finding out the things I am interested in again, feeling any sort of spark in life, and finding that love and acceptance I so desperately need within myself. I am looking forward to shedding the burden of all those memories and actions, and being free.

I just want to be happy! I think I am finally in my way, as late in life as it is for me. I think that it's okay that my life adventure has been long, perilous, and very difficult. It gives me wisdom.

#little riah things

[funshinebf]

having divorced parents and one parent that abused you while the other was actually really awesome is so wild cause its like. yes i had a bad childhood yes i had a good childhood. my dad always seems to feel so guilty for me and my brother being so messed up but its so hard to explain how bad it was at my moms. and even still i have the problem of having a complicated relationship with my mom so any discussion of things shes done to me make me feel bad like its unfair to her. like i love my mom and i always will but she has improved so much over the years, and not living with her has improved my life. i could never cut her off and i dont really want to anyway, but sometimes im jealous of people who can go no contact and not look back. i think its also more complicated cause i have two sisters that are much younger than me so its like i can see all the places my moms improved from my childhood in how she raises them. i think parents are destined to fail their children in some areas. i think even the most well meaning parents will still make mistakes and be human. but being human itself makes harming people and being harmed inevitable. its just the reality, everyone you know will let you down in some way or another. but i think the world looks brighter once you start to accept this. it sounds like im being cynical and negative, but i think it makes me quicker to forgive people and continue moving forward. if i can understand their motivations for what harmed me i can forgive them. but when i dont understand why they would do that to someone i start to feel truly wronged by it. if i cant find a good enough reason to justify harming someone then i cant forgive it and i cant get rid of the scars it leaves. i cant forget it. i could never do that to someone. how could anybody do that to someone. my intrusive thoughts alone send me into a guilt ridden trance as soon as they form, i could never understand being able to hurt someone so purposefully. for what? amusement? what could someone possibly gain from that? what could they gain that would erase any of the guilt? i think my least favorite type of person is the person that recognized that ive been hurt before, and targets me because of it. i hate when i share my weaknesses with someone and they use it to manipulate me and harm me even more. its happened more times than id like to admit. usually im not too burdened by my scars. the weights on my shoulders have settled into a dull ache. but then, like tripping over a pebble and splitting my brain on the curb, all it takes is one person with ill intentions to send me into another state of constant aching. i want to be stronger. i want to be less trusting. but how could feeling less love be beneficial? when such simple, unassuming kindnesses from others send me into a joyful daze? i love the world, i love people, i love the glimpses of warmth in a vast, cold sea. if i dont let myself feel things then i cant enjoy things either. so i let myself stay soft, and trusting, and far too genuine far too early. i wouldnt trade the love for anything else. if i can continue to feel love then i can handle any pain. anyways im high as all fuck and in therapist mode really badly so im gonna stop spilling my guts on a public website full of people i want to like me and not think im weird. like yeah okay idgaf about EVERY tumblr users opinion but like i have friends on here and potential friends and irl friends that see my posts. i want them to like me because i love having these connections, no matter how brief. im doing it again im just gonna hit post and hope for the best

#my post #long #ask to tag #uhhhh #almost tagged this as just 'disorders' and nothing else

[gibbearish]

actually i think a big part of the issue im having figuring myself out is just. fear of how others will react

#yesterday Travis called me his prince and it wasn't that that surprised me so much as just. the willingness to directly address it #honestly i kinda figured i would go ''I'm not a girl'' and he would run or ignore it and i don't really know how to handle him being kimm #kind* and understanding #he keeps asking me questions about what he should call me and the part of me that grew up with people pretending to like me just to #make fun of me keeps whispering that its all part of the joke and one of these days hes going to decide ive changed too much and then #ill be the punchline #and then theres the issues in the other direction #if i try to embrace the butch title while being the complicated pile i am then how many people will come after me for not being enough #which i know is stupid especially given i literally just read an entire book about that but theres also the thing of like. #jess still had a connection to womanhood and attraction to primarily (solely? im not good at text interpretation) women #which makes it a lot easier to accept youre allowed to use those words #but what if youre never ever a woman and have never even dated one? wheres the connection? #and i can already hear people saying 'there isnt one therefore you cant use them' but then how do they explain the feelings i have about th #m #surely an outside observer with no connection wouldnt feel like theyre being strangled trying to think about it? #i dunno its complicated #maybe thats why heshe kept sticking out to me. its not neutral in the same way they them is but a blended mix forcing people to #ackowledge both the origins and the destination #maybe that's the connection? my past and my body influencing my current view of myself #whats the difference between not a woman and no longer a woman #ive thought abt it before but never very hard but maybe the answer can just be both yknow #when ppl say bigender i think their brain automatically pictures half man half woman but like #im thinking maybe for me itd be. half man half butch. no woman but half butch #or not halves #fully both at once maybe #a venn diagram but the middle part is empty but the emptiness is part of it too #PLUS theres also like. what would i call myself #he him lesbian? not a lesbian‚ attracted to more than women #he him woman? not a woman #i want butch to be the whole sentence but it doesnt feel like it can be

[wackywheel]

Hi what does time coded and thief coded mean they sound interesting. I get time is like bc time traveler connor (? Maybe) but i dont know what they mean

oh my god anon ilysm /p you have no idea how much youre enabling me to talk about my boys in hs words rn <3

context for anon’s question! also i will readmore this because. i will probably get very wordy.

a bit of broader context- when a character is described as an (x) of (y), (ei- page of time, thief of rage, mage of space, etc,) that’s their classpect! classpect is a portmanteau of class and aspect, a sort of character role?? assignment system from the video game sburb from homestuck.

when a character participates in an sburb session, they’re assigned a classpect, which is a title that essentially sort of embodies who they are as a person, from their behavior and reactions to things, to how they view the world around them! (/rp from here on out im not classpecting the ccs lmao)

i’ll start off with connor, since you listed him first: youre half right about my choice of the time aspect being tied to his time traveler-ness, but it extends a bit deeper than that i’d argue. as an aspect, time very much embodies not just the concept of the passage of time, but what time does to things and what changes come of it. time is fate, it’s both the journey AND the destination, never staying still or the same as it was moments ago, but also being malleable enough that a miracle or little alteration could send it careening the other direction. now, when it comes to classes, i specifically read connor as a page of time. especially. the page part. like jesus christ he is a Textbook Fucking Page. pages are characterized as people who start out with very very little of their aspect, and must learn to hone and master it along their journey. which is why they’re called pages; they’re named after a knight’s apprentice from the medieval era! once they have mastered their aspect though, holy shit they are powerful. often described as one of the most powerful classes, in fact.

ok ive said plenty of nonsense words that have nothing to do with him. so, how does this apply to connor?

well, a page of time is someone who will start out on their journey lacking in time, but as they grow more, they will gain much, much more of it. a lack of time could be described as possibly... impatience? a pretend-air of acceptance and understanding when it comes to acknowledging change around them, whether it be in people or places present and past. sound familiar to how connor outwardly treats the idea of schlatt being dead by acting as though he’s moved on entirely? even when he absolutely hasn’t and explicitly states that he misses him in his diary? smells like a page just starting out on their

now, i could also go into how classpect inversion also plays a part in how connor acts in relation to his classpect, but that would take like 3 more paragraphs to even explain and i’ve already typed a ton, so i’ll move on to schlatt now lmao (also to preface this section, i’m a bit rusty on season 1/manberg era, so a LOT of this will be me going off of smplive knowledge more than anything lmao)

starting off with his class this time, i’ve come to the conclusion that schlatt would probably be a thief if anything! thieves are people that uses their aspect to steal things, or steals their aspect outright. thieves are often well meaning, but a bit self-centered as well. they’re naturally very confident and proficient when handling their aspect as a weapon, but often also have insecurities or weaknesses that they refuse to let others witness, for fear of seeming less competent than they really are. their journey will usually culminate in them learning to allow others to use/have their aspect as well, or the thief dying in the process of it being taken from them. so, schlatt is a thief of rage specifically. how does rage as an aspect work? well, while the obvious answer to that is obviously negative emotion and power, rage also manifests itself as chaos, doubt, and the concept of the truth sometimes being an ugly, unhappy type of thing. rage is causing unrest and destruction, if only to prove a point to those who have lied before that they can’t get away with it forever. it is stubborn, unrelenting, and cutthroat; in both the best and worst of ways.

with all of that said, here’s the million dollar question; how does this apply to schlatt?

well, at his core, schlatt’s a con artist that keeps the people in mind. he undermines markets with his own currency, teaching people not to trust every shop they throw their diamonds into at the cost of him growing wildly popular and wealthy. he bends the rules and darts through loopholes to sneak into elections, snatching the victory out from under the noses of those who believed they had omission-of-truth’d their way out of having to play the game fair and square like everyone else. he takes the chance for retaliation, for an equal attack back on him, away from those that are at odds with him, and uses his own wrath to gain more and more of an upper hand. that and hes loud. very. very loud. schlatt is an absolute show stopper. even on his deathbed, he took all of the fighting spirit from not only his enemies, but those allied with him as well, in order to give one last hurrah of a ‘fuck you lol’ to everyone around him.

again, i could go into even more detail about how thieves and pages are natural opposites, and how poetically hilarious that is considering how schlatt and connor are a fucking walking comedy routine, but i will spare your eyes of even more reading just this once

(....unless yall wanna hear about that.... bc if so please ask away i love classpecting so fucking much <333)

#i. do i have an ask tag #um #silly asks #there #dsmp #smpl #connor #schlatt #what if i maintagged this. #lol fuck it #dream smp #connoreatspants #jschlatt #hi main tag hi hi hiiii #413 #if i need to tag hs mentions for the sake of blacklists please lmk btw ill update this immediately for yall #if not ill still tag hs stuff as 413 regardless #stealing from beloved mutual icarus apollos hyphen boyfriend lol

[wickedpact]

life's hecticness has finally kinda caught up to me and im just feeling super worn down and im seeking comfort in the old guard and because your blog always sparks joy ive come to you. on the subject of comfort do you have any thoughts on coping mechanisms/ways to comfort themselves the members of the old guard have? and similarly, ways they help comfort the others too? i would love to hear any and all thoughts you might have on the matter <3 - 2ta

in terms of comforting others:

nicky: words. i think its kind of interesting, but every time in the movie we see as character in emotional distress nicky speaks up (its okay nile, tell us, sono qui, everything happens for a reason boss) the only time he breaks this habit is when booker talks about grief in the lab.

booker: we dont rlly see booker explicitly comfort people much but he does seem to tend towards expressions of solidarity or subtle check-ins/expressions of concern (for the former he tells nile about his family, he tells nile big wounds take longer to heal, he reminds andy that ‘this is what you wanted’ and for the latter he asks andy post-stab if shes alright, he tells andy he wont see her again, etc)

hes also quick to (rightfully lmao) accept blame (after the kill floor, when he wont get up when the squad escapes, and the scene where he and andy get captured)

joe: he doesnt do a whole lot of comforting to the non-nicky’s out there interestingly enough. he encourages andy like the others do just after the baklava scene (i know you needed a break but its been over a year boss) he also tends to make little light hearted jokes/comments to lighten the mood sometimes (this plus 'faster than the elevator', etc)

and i suppose one could say him answering nile’s questions during the dinner scene are a type of comfort in itself, tho .. .... his answers arent exactly reassuring lmao

nile: So are you good guys or bad guys?

joe: Depends on the century

(j o s e p h you could have given her a more reassuring answer than that!! altho depending on the person, straight honesty can be very comforting in of itself, and joe prolly knew that andy would dance around nile’s questions and be generally unhelpful)

but additionally joe is a pretty strong protector and worrier about his friends’ well-being. he advocates for finding nile in the train scene and tells the others to ‘cover andy’ when they find out shes mortal

(plus the little touch he does to andy’s back!)

andy: andy’s mileage varies when it comes to comforting (primarily nile of course bc shes the Distressed One in the movie) but a lot of the time she tends towards offering stability and loyalty (me and those three men in there will keep you safe, you’re one of us now we would do the same for you, [to nicky] this changes nothing) which of course makes sense for her. stability and loyalty obviously probably mean so much to andy and as Team Leader shes probably very used to offering those things

nile: nile is more the comfortee than the comforter in the movie for all the obvious reasons, tho i think its interesting that at the end she tells andy ‘youre gonna [spend the time you have left] with us, andy��� not only bc shes delivering that stability/loyalty right back at andy but also bc shes also a leader (in the marines) so she might have a similar situation as andy with offering stability & loyalty as a Leader

being comforted:

nicky: the most notable instance of nicky being upset and getting comforted is obviously the van speech, tho like ive said i doubt joe’s go-to method of comforting nicky is a Speech. tho also (obviously & as ive talked abt a lot) i think he takes a lot of comfort from the idea of destiny/fate and the idea that he and The Lads were all destined to be together. he lomves his friends and hes happy when theyre happy

booker: alcohol.

honestly im not even sure how booker would really like to be comforted/comfort himself besides his given Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms. i think he does take a lot of comfort in his Solidarity with andy tho. considering his ‘that way madness lies’ comment about the immortality and his comment in the comic about ‘whats the purpose of an uncertain immortality?’ and his tendency towards tech, i think he’s the kind of person who likes when things are explainable and logical (and u could say thats a way he foils with nicky i suppose)

joe: him touchy

ive been meaning to make a gifset thats just Joe + Reassurance Through Touch but i keep forgetting about it. hes a very tactile boyo. in the comic while theyre having the nile nightmare joe reaches out and physically grabs nicky’s arm/shoulder in his sleep, like hes subconsciously checking hes still there. he worries So Much about the others (nicky in the armored van, nile in the train scene, andy post-mortality) and their well-being that i think he takes a lot of comfort in knowing all the lads are okay and safe (esp nicky)

andy: like i mentioned i think she likes loyalty and stability, which is obvs something shes had a serious lacking of throughout her life. ik u arent super into the comics but the recent tales through time story about andy went over how she takes comfort in the idea that her axe belonged to her mother once, even if her modern-day axe has had all its parts and pieces replaced so many times its not the axe her mother gave her 7000 yrs ago anymore. however andy still clings to this idea of her axe being her mother’s axe (‘this is the labyrs she held in her hands’). the memory of her family/mother and the stability of having the same axe with her through her history obvs comforts her a lot.

nile: again similarly to andy i feel like loyalty/family comforts nile a lot. she followed her father’s footsteps into the marines and worries about her loyalties to them through the first half of the movie, and tries to go home & thinks about her mom and brother through the whole thing.

(plus, music obvs means a lot to her)

#2thoughts anon #!!!! feel better tho 🥺 #Anonymous

[maccreadysimp]

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

#mine #shameless #ian gallgher #gallavich #mickey milkovich #text post

[ofmermaidstories]

grief anon here 🙋‍♀️here to say thank u again for ur advice and i teared up reading ur response bc this doomed character loves our mc (u were right: it is a reader x character fic!) in a similar fashion you described, and i adore the infinite, quiet ways people love each other. i wanted ur insight bc i really admired how u made haru in ur bkg fic feel so real; like i physically hurt when he was in danger and i really hope to emulate those feelings in my own fic. 1/3

2/3 ive been trying to sus out how much bg i will give (i agree—more = better!) part of the struggle is that the mc is kind of stiff in that they arent sure how to accept love/they reject it (because of trauma that will be explored), and it’ll take a lot of learning/unlearning for them to realize the weight of this death. doomed chara is like a quiet but persistent source of joy in mc’s life so when that’s ripped away from mc…😶its a much heavier/emotional fic than what i usually write

3/3 i have my own reservations about this mc but its their growth im truly interested in, and if their only friend has to die to achieve that then…. 🤷‍♀️ 3/3 i want to break this mc and build them back up again in the most hurtful tender way possible <3 hopefully i will be able to reach my own expectations sdklfsd thank u so much merms sorry for the inbox spam, ive no idea how ppl send asks over the character limit (the app maybe??) i love u !! <3

Grief Anon!!! Hello again!!! Okay lemme put on my (metaphorical) glasses and have a read and see what I can do for you. 📖

I know I said this the first time you asked but I truly do think the more screen-time you can devote to Doomed BG Character, the better. Even if it’s just small things. Even if your Reader isn’t in a position to truly recognise what Doomie has done/does for them, until it’s too late — your audience will see it and recognise it!! Just because someone doesn’t know how to handle/take the love they’ve been given doesn’t like… negate the giving of it!! it’s still there!!! even if your Reader is shrugging it off, awkward with it — your audience won’t/won’t be! They’ll see it for what it is, and with a character that’s destined for the chopping block like Doomie showing that (ie, giving the background) can only enhance the emotions you wanna provoke!!!!!

But also, lmao, your poor Reader. 😩 This is devastating. What’s the reservations you’re having about them? I know with like, crafting a fictional story it’s different (readers - generally - like drama, so piling it on is fun!!!) but my knee-jerk reaction to you saying “imma kill Reader’s friend off for growth” was like “nOOOOO”. LOL. Hilarious since i have absolutely zero qualms about murdering characters left right and centre :’) but it It made me think of those tweets that are always like, “my trauma didn’t make me stronger, it set me back”. We survive the bad times simply because often we have no other choice — but kindness (and sunshine) nurtures us in a way grief doesn’t. 🥺 Someone’s… someone’s gonna cradle them gently throughout this… right Anon? 🥺 Right? 🥺🥺

this has literally nothing to do with your ask beyond the little tangent i went on, but once i thought of it i had to doodle it so like…. it’s getting attached to this ask im sorry sdlkjflksdjfkdlsj

I don’t have any doubt that you’ll be able to craft this story in a way that meets those expectations of yours, Anon!!! if you’re excited to write it then there’s always going to be someone who’ll be excited to read it. 🥺 people LOVE hurt/comfort — and based on the snippets you’ve shared about this fic, I think it’ll hurt amazingly good!!! really give people some safe catharsis. 🥺 which sometimes we just need. 💌

#ofmermaidstories-asks #writing stuff #i once again coopt a perfectly innocent ask to draw something kjsjksfdjfkls #but love you too anon!!!! 💖

[hol-eage]

I’m 23, waiting for my formal assessment of autism & I’ve never spoken to or met someone similar age etc as me. Do you feel like you’re just outside the ‘normal’ world and trying to fit in? And do you like ever feel like an idiot when you’re in social situations? And do you ever like really really struggle to get stuff done like work etc even if you want to do it it’s like your body won’t let you? Sorry I just feel so alone and weird and useless 😭

hi darlin, im 26

um i guess so, i think so many things contribute to me feeling outside of normal, im a lesbian so with my autism as well its like i was never destined to feel like i fit in with the way everyone else moves through the world. ive learnt to be okay with that, it took a lot, a long time but i just see myself as who i am, where i am and dont really even desire kinship with those around me? im lucky to have autistic friends who share a lot of the same experiences and make me feel normal in my own way

i think i stopped trying to ‘fit in’ with the majority years ago and havent looked back

i felt devastated by it for a long time, couldnt see how i could live in this world without becoming homeless or worse. i find it hard to hold down a job because of sensory issues, hard to have relationships bc of touch aversion And being a lesbian lol thanks @ god. hard to live away from home and be independent?

but i was lucky, i got support and found people who understood and told me Why i am the way i am. why i dont work like most people. that im not lazy or wrong. it let me love myself, be proud of myself and every little thing i do accomplish because i know i had to work harder for it. put up with more. learning to not suppress stimming really changed a lot, learning the right coping strategies, autism appropriate ones you know?

i had to let the fuck go of everything young me expected of myself, i had to bury it and stop reaching for things i cant do without it hurting me. accept that i have limitations and my life isnt gonna look like most peoples, but its gonna be tailored by me you know? im still me. and i get to build a life that works, that i feel safe in, then i get to be so proud man.

um as for social situations, hell yea, im an idiot socially hahaha, but over time i made friends that i love so fucking much and i dont really need the other stuff. i really hope you have good friends too

lastly youre 100% describing executive functioning which is a big part of a lot of peoples autism. its a big part of mine! i find it really hard to do something simple like feed myself, i just go to the kitchen open cupboards and then leave, like ????pick up the food man!!!! boil a pan of water!!! but my body is just like nah

i remember as a kid just laying motionless feeling like i couldnt will myself to move my body and go get breakfast or play or get dressed or whatever,, just shouting at my body inside my head to do something! but not being able to, for a long time i thought it was procrastination? but? its really not and youre not lazy! the word lazy is so harmful to autistic people!

im really really sorry that you feel that way sweet darling, its really hard! im proud of you for feeling that, holding those feelings and just breathing still. i really want the best for you, for you to find ways to feel grounded and real and purposeful despite it all, for the good parts of being autistic start to outweigh the lonliness

#autism

[soulariumrx]

MERLIN

I havent had such admiration for a tv series or any stories for years since the first few seasons of how to get away with murder. It felt really nice relieving the experience of being addicted to something so good. Now, ive been really trying to slow down a bit since i am near the end, and i have issues with separation anxiety, it may be long years of trial and error to find yet another heartwarming film.

Let me start of with a little glimpse of how the story will go:

It all started when a young warlock was handed by his mother to an old friend, in the name of GAIUS, in a kingdom, CAMELOT, ruled by the tough King Uther. He has a son, Prince Arthur, whom Merlin had to associate his life with. The son has yet to become the greatest king of Camelot, and in order to achieve that, Merlin is destined to guide him.

Favorite Characters:

Merlin played by Colin Morgan

As innocent as he look, this boy knows more than what everyone thinks of him. He is but the success of Camelot behind the scenes.

Prince Arthur played by Bradley James

A bully with a heart of gold. He only means well for Camelot and isnt afraid of judgment. He fights for his dignity and pride even if it means disobeying his father, king uther.

Morgana

The realest and kindhearted girl who turned into a dangerous sorceress because of hate.

Insights:

✔️It was really devastating how they forced prince Arthur’s love for Guinevere. I thought they both deserve more. They may develop potential overtime but not in a snap. I was so angry at the development that i stopped watching it for a day. But ofc, im still trying to get use to it, turning a blind eye everytime they’re both on screen.

✔️another thing i disliked is how the story will be on its peak then suddenly go deep, adding fillers just to make the story longer.

✔️I have to say this but i am so proud Morgana is on the other side. She fits the role of being a bad sorceress.

The very thing that made me love the series is how much i could relate to merlin. Doing heroic stuffs behind the scenes. As a Medical Technologist who works inside the laboratory, our job isnt always seen by the public, we tend to work silently, but our role is vital.

As an individual, Merlin is someone who just accepts everything even if the credit was taken by others. He shrugged it off but he know he’s so much more than the praises of people. He’s willing to wait for the right time he could finally let go and do his thing freely.

Merlin is me... without magic.

#merlin #king arthur

[leafy-wings]

How would you get into WoF roleplays?

apologies, im not quite sure how to read this one- if you mean “how did I get into wof rps”, ive listed that below, as well as general tips in being better at getting into wof rps, and at the very end if your information on the topic at a total zero. i slowly backpedalled from how much i thought youd know about wof rp lol...

ive been in a good number of wof rps- six or so? but three of them were run by me. ill try to detail them below, but i have very bad memory- actually, i dissociate and have memory loss very often. the patchy spots sometimes get put in the wrong places, so i might be wrong. i hope my summaries provide something, and ill add more at the bottom about joining

- my first wof rp was refuge and rouges, run by me

- my second wof rp was just this year, the destined. id seen the chosen in the past and found the destined (i think it was a recommended blog) right before it started. followed and got notifs and joined from there

- not chronological but being in the destined allowed me to be in the legends and the moonborn

- then i made the royal division

- then i joined pyrrhia pantala au on deviantart, i had joined a few wof groups to get my posts more attention and i think i saw pyrrhia pantala from there, but joining it i think was actually when i looked up on deviantart group search about wof rps

- i joined sundown falls on dA too, but it hasnt gone anywhere yet

- i made another rp of my own, the animus code

- briefly entered an rp which i think was accepting every applicator and immediately fell apart

SUMMARY: dA groups are much more forgiving. While they’ll generally have a time frame for acceptance, all you need to do is fill stuff out and if you do it right you WILL be accepted unless it’s filled up/they need something specific. story based roleplays, usually over discord, require a LOT of luck in finding the RP while apps are open (ive missed SITS twice now and only found out they had apps open THE HOUR they closed). its very helpful if you can find people involved in wof rp and ask them if they know any wof rps soon to come. and if you mean how do you compete in getting into wof rps (because yknow, you have to submit characters and only a few will be accepted).... i dont know. every group ive applied to so far has gotten in. i think being able to draw well makes your character look very catchy and draw the host to em. i think its very important too to make an interesting character while not going over the line- give your character a motif. like, jewels is that hes been trained from birth against the apocolypse. whirlpool is constantly living a facade. orius lives for other people, poison ivy does vigilante justice, etc etc. worst thing i see in wof rps, from judging apps myself, is people who make their characters just... normal. if the backstory is “they grew up in this town with both of their parents and now theyre here” you are really going to be ignored.

if you mean “i dont understand wof RP, how does it function?” (ill answer this for tumblr)- find yourself a blog that runs a wings of fire roleplay/follow an artist whos announced theyre planning one and see the rules from there. mostly therell be a few information posts you have to read about the premise, rules for characters, and rules for the player, along with an application. fill it out and make sure you keep in mind the rules, and follow the rules as listed for the specific group on what to do after- some want you to publically post your app and @ the blog or simply tag it some way, some want you to message them your app, etc etc. from there youll either be linked to the discord or not

[ladyboltontoyou]

Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter

Ask: Ok well I was wondering if you could write an Arthur Morgan x Reader where the reader is the daughter of a rich farm owning family and Arthur rides up to the farm/ranch one day to scope the place out and see if they're easy to rob but somehow ends up with heart eyes for the reader and starts sneaking around to see her. Doesn't have to be smut, but that would be awesome. Thank you!

Warnings: Probably cursing. A bit of an age gap since Arthur is, you know, like 30 something, and the reader is still living with her parents.

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader 

A/N: So this turned out longer than I had originally planned oops. ALso apparently freezers were invented around the 1830′s so don’t come at me for having ice cubes in Arthurs drink ok. I really hope this is what you imagined and it doesn’t seem rushed, even though I spent like 4 hours on it. Hope it’s not too short or too long. OKAY I’M DONE RAMBLING YOU CAN READ NOW.

The last thing you expected to see on a Friday afternoon was a stranger on a white horse riding up your dirt road. You had been reading a book on your upstairs balcony when you saw him, at first just a small white speck a ways away. But when that white speck started making noise you looked up and saw it was a man on a horse, a visitor. You rarely got visitors here that weren’t two men on a wagon full of supplies. 

You set your book down on the table and leaned forward to get a better look as he neared the front of your house. He looked handsome enough, even though you were on the second story balcony and he was on the ground below. From what you could see he was a rugged man about thirty or so, not the kind of men your parents usually dealt with. Your curiosity got the best of you and you walked back inside and downstairs where you saw your father opening the front doors. One of his work friends stood beside him in case things were to go south, his hand sitting comfortably on his pistol as a gentle warning to the stranger that stood on your porch.

“Sorry to bother you folks, I was looking for the Braithwaite manor and it looks like I got myself lost. Do you know whereabouts that is?” His voice sounded so friendly and warm, you would never expect that he was there to see if you would be easy to ransack. You watched the conversation go down from the bottom step of the staircase and tried not to look too obvious. 

Your father was totally oblivious and way too trusting. “No worries friend, these back roads are tricky. Fancy a drink? You look like you’ve been riding all day. Come inside and I’ll have my wife draw you up some directions.”

The man looked hesitant but eventually shrugged. “You’re too kind. I’d really appreciate it.” 

You took the chance to walk into the tea room since you knew they’d come inside any minute, and you didn’t want to look suspicious. Plus, you wanted to be nosey, it wasn’t often attractive strangers came by. You sat down at the table and picked up the book from the table, something you had already read before, and tried your best to look as if you had been doing it for some time already.

“Who’s that man outside?” Your mother had snuck up behind you and scared the daylights out of you when she leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“I don’t know.” You said after you recovered from the scare. “But he sure is good looking.” 

She peaked at the front door and nodded in approval at your taste. “You’re not wrong about that.” Thank god it was your mother and not your grandmother, she would have chided you for hours about being indecent. 

Finally, they came in and the man took off his hat, looking around as his eyes adjusted to the change of light. He looked even better looking close up. His facial hair was trimmed neatly but looked like it had grown in a little, the hair on his head the same. His face was partially spotted from the dust in the air from horse hooves but he didn’t look truly dirty, nothing compared to your farmboys.

 He looked around and seemed impressed with the place, his eyes looking into every room he could see from his spot. When he looked into the room your father began walking into, the tea room, he only spared you a short glance. 

Alright, well, you weren’t used to that. Most men who saw you immediately started complimenting your parents on how gorgeous you were, praising you and never failing to remark some version of ‘You’ll make a wonderful wife/Someone a very happy husband/Beautiful children’. But he didn’t say a thing.

“Darling, would you be so kind as to draw some directions from here to Braithwaite manor? Our friend  here has gotten lost.” Your father asked your mother who smiled and obliged, heading upstairs to get some paper. “Oh! I didn’t even see you there!” He said when he noticed you sitting on the couch. “Could you bring our guest some tea?”

The stranger looked at you and looked like he was about to decline and tell you not to worry yourself but you were already standing up. “Sure thing daddy, need anything else?” You asked sweetly with a smile. 

Your father looked to the man who just shook his head and tried to say ‘I’m fine’ and ‘No thank you’ at the same time. “No, I’m, thank you,” He jumbled over his words and looked visibly embarrassed. “I’m alright.”

You smiled widely, amused by that. He looked away and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. Your father paid no mind and led him to the couch, talking about how harsh the month had been with no rain at all. 

When you got back from the kitchen with a glass of tea he looked up and accepted the glass from you happily, muttering a ‘thanks’ before he almost chugged the entire thing, even chewing on some of the ice. Your mother came down the stairs with a piece of paper in hand and one of your nice fountain pens in the other. 

“You’ll have to excuse my writing, I’m not the best artist.” She joked and sat on the single chair across from the couch. “You should have told our artist here to do it instead, she could draw him the best map he’d ever laid his eyes on.” She joked and you tried not to let them see how bashful she made you. She always bragged about you and anything you did, you could draw something purposefully awful and she would still treat it like a priceless painting.

“Oh it’s alright, I’m sure I’ll manage.” He chuckled, taking more ice into his mouth. 

You sat down on the other side of the couch and watched the man from the corner of your eye. He looked around the house while his jaw moved to chew the ice as if he was taking note of every single window and door. “Say, you folks-”

Your mother sighed in frustration, putting two fingers on her forehead in exasperation. “I’m sorry, I can barely draw a line. Darling, could you please?” She slid the paper across the table and gave you a sweet look.

“I’ll try.” You laughed and leaned down, taking the pen from her.

“What were you saying?” Your father asked from his seat and the man looked confused before he remembered.

“I was just going to ask if you knew of some good people to hire for security. Assuming those men at the end of the road are what I’m thinkin’ they are.”

“Yes, they work for a man named Michael, he hires men that used to be in the war and sells their services to those who can afford it.” Your father said proudly. Arthur just nodded.

“Here’s the house.” You said to the man as you drew a small house next to the scribbles your mother had done. He scooted closer to you carefully and watched as you drew. “And here’s the road. The corn fields are on the right, the tobacco on the left.” You kept talking as you drew and tried to focus on moving the pen instead of how close he was to you. His body heat radiated off of him and grazed your bare arm and neck, you could hear him breathing slowly. He smelt like smoke and day-old cologne mixed with the leather from his coat. 

As you gave him directions he would never need Arthur felt morality tug at his heartstrings. You were such good people, welcoming him into your home and showing such hospitality. He would have to tell Dutch there was no way, there were too many workers and guards, he would make something up. He came expecting a snooty rich family but was caught off guard by good people. You all had the generosity, kindness, and respect of poor folk.

When you finished you slid the map over on the table. “Let it sit for a minute before you touch it, the ink’s still wet.” You warned and put the cap back on the pen. “Especially here.” You laughed softly and pointed at the words of his destination where you had spelled it wrong the first time and scratched it out.

He nodded and muttered an ‘alright’, looking at you from a side glance. Your father talked for a while about the people who lived in the manor, not being shy about his opinion. Arthur couldn’t have agreed more but he kept up his facade and played dumb. 

“It’s dry now.” You said and Arthur looked away from your father. You were looking at the paper so he took the chance to actually look at you, unintentionally admiring you. Normally he was good about keeping his eyes where they belonged. If there was anyone who respected women it was Arthur, but it was hard not to appreciate your beauty. He figured your sweetness was the only reason he stared. It had been a while since he saw a sweet girl who wasn’t trying to pickpocket him or get him to spend a fortune in the saloon. 

“Thank you.” He picked up the paper and admired your work. One of the few things he could really appreciate was art. You drew so effortlessly, the small roads and hills looked like the maps he’d seen the professionals sell. “Well, I reckon I better be on my way, I’ve taken up too much of your time.” 

“Not at all.” Your father stood up and so did the stranger. They shook hands as he thanked your father who shook him off and pat his back a few times. “You sure there’s nothing else we could do for you?”

“You’ve done more than enough.” He promised and looked back to you and your mother, the paper held gently in his hands. “Thank you both for your hospitality. And for the map.” He held up the paper and you smiled, causing him to unknowingly do the same. 

When he started walking out the door with your father you ran upstairs and almost fell off your balcony to watch him ride off. The hot wind hit your face when you reached the banister, just in time to watch him ride off. He put his hat back on and took one last look behind him, not failing to notice the beautiful young girl watching him leave.

***

The frogs and crickets sang while the fireflies lit the black air with soft pulsating gold. You were on your banister half reading a book and half watching the farmboys work in the fields below, their lanterns bobbing gently through the rows of plants, stopping occasionally to pull up weeds or a dead plant. 

It was hard to read. It was stupid to even try. But there was nothing else to do to take your mind off of your thoughts, even though reading wasn’t doing a good job at that. At least it was something.

A dog barking in the distance made you set your book down. It was the dogs they kept up at the end of the road to warn when someone was coming. You waited a minute to see if they would calm down but they didn’t. You heard your father yell downstairs to the men at the end of the road, and they responded with something about deer in the woods. 

You believed it for a moment until you heard rattling from the other side of your balcony. The first thing that came to mind was some kind of greasy gunslinging bastard but before you could start screaming two arms hooked over the side of the ledge, covered by that same damn leather jacket you had been so close to earlier. 

It shouldn’t have made you feel any better considering his original intentions were to rob your family for everything they had. But for some reason you had a feeling he wasn’t a threat to you. That made you incredibly stupid and naive but thankfully, for once, you were right in this situation. 

When he finally pulled himself over he looked surprised to see you standing there watching him. “Now, before you start screaming,” He said as he reached up to grab the lantern that hung above him. “I’m not here to hurt you or anything like that.” He blew out the small flame and the two of you were suddenly surrounded by darkness. 

“Then why are you here?” You asked cautiously. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to see him again, but the last thing you expected was this. If anyone saw him your father's politeness would be out the window as well as Arthur.

He sighed as if he didn’t know why himself. “You been on my mind girl, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why my dumbass thought it would be a good idea to risk not only my ass but yours, just to come back up here and ask for your name.”

You covered your mouth to stifle that bubbled in your throat. “Truly? That’s why?”

Arthur laughed softly, shaking his head when he realized how ridiculous it was. “I suppose so. And I wanted to ask for another one of those hundred-dollar drawings you make.” 

You laughed again and put your fingers on the bottom lip you held between your teeth. “Oh yeah? Was my map that good?”

He grinned and looked down at his boots, kicking them against the floor to kick some pebbles loose from the bottoms. He couldn’t believe how young he felt then, like he was only sixteen again flirting around with the farmer's daughter. The only thing different from that was he was much, much, much older. If the other men in the gang saw him they’d make fun of him till the day he died for sneaking around for a girl. 

“Well, okay, I guess I can make you something.” You smiled while biting your lip. He put on a show of acting grateful, clasping his hands together and placing them in front of his forehead. When you recovered from quiet laughter you went into your room to get some paper and a pencil. You made sure both your doors were locked before you went back onto your dark balcony. You stopped in the open doorway, noticing how little you could see. There was no way you could draw anything out there unless a lantern was lit, but that would be too bright and anyone nearby would be able to see the two of you. “I can’t see out here, maybe we should go in my room.” 

He was reluctant for a minute, considering how fast he’d be able to run and jump out the balcony if need be. “Yeah, sure.” He sighed and walked towards the doors. The spurs on his boots lightly jingled and you could hear fabric moving against fabric as he moved past you into your dimly lit room. “Been a while since I’ve been in a room this nice.” He admitted as he looked around your room. 

“You live in a barn then?” You teased and sat down at the table near the windows. “Oh, I never told you my name. It’s (Y/N).” 

Arthur leaned against the wall near you and crossed his ankles, nodding as he thought over your name. “(Y/N). Never met anyone with that name before.”

You smiled proudly, twirling the pencil in your fingers. “And yours?”

He paused, considering while he looked out the window. “Arthur.” He said finally and looked back to you. 

“Arthur.” You mused before remembering what you were supposed to be doing. “Ah, sorry, what did you say you want me to draw you?”

He snorted and crossed his arms. “I didn’t give that any thought, do anything you’d like.” 

You bit your lip and looked him up and down. “Okay. It might take me a little while though.” He wanted to say ‘good’, but held his tongue and settled for a ‘That’s okay’.

After about an hour of talking, constant talking, you were finally finished. “If I had longer I could have done better, but, here.” You slid the paper across the table to him. After a while, he got tired and had sat down across from you.

He took the paper in his hands and squinted before his eyes widened. “Christ, girl.” He breathed and looked over the lines and shading. “You’re better than me.”

“You draw too?” You asked with sudden interest but he didn’t respond, he was too caught up in the paper in front of him. 

“I can’t believe this. Did you take a picture of me when I wasn’t looking?” He shook his head and scratched his chin as he continued admiring it. 

You blushed and ran a hand through your hair, he made you into a flustered mess with those praises. They were different when they were coming from someone who wasn’t kin. “Thank you.” It was all you could say. You didn’t expect him to like it that much, it was a hurried sketch of him leaning against your wall, but as much as you liked to pretend your art wasn’t that good there was no denying that this was an exceptionally realistic drawing. You were almost sad to see it go.

Arthur shook his head and looked up from the paper, looking at you completely different. Like how your father looked at your mother the first time he saw her shoot a gun. Newfound respect and admiration glinted in those pretty blue eyes of his, all directed to you. He was going to say something else but the sounds of heels coming up the stairway stopped him. 

“(Y/N)! I just found a letter from June, it came yesterday but-” She grabbed your doorknob and tried to open it, only succeeding in causing the door to shake slightly. Arthur looked at you with wide eyes as she called out your name a second time. 

“Go, hurry!” You whispered and he sat up as quickly and quietly as he could, tiptoeing to the open doors. “One second, I’m changing into my nightdress!” You called back to her as you rushed the grown man out of your room.

He paused in the same spot he had climbed up, one hand on the jasmine covered lattice he had used as a ladder. “Could I come see you again?” He asked boldly, the paper in his hand slightly moving from the breeze. 

You laughed in disbelief. “There’s no way I could say no to that. You better.”

Arthur smiled then, the widest and cheesiest smile he had worn in a while. If it wasn’t for the lantern sitting inside your room next to the window he stood near, you wouldn’t have seen it. You wanted to say more, but he swung his legs over the edge and left you to explain to your mother why you spent so long doing something so simple.

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