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citrusses · 1 year

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AO3 Wrapped 🎁: Drarry Favorites Published in 2022

Featuring eighth year and fuck-or-die fics that were instant classics among classic tropes, steam and suds, mind-bending non-linear narratives, and character studies that made me consider anew the protagonists with whom I’ve spent so many years.

January

Finely Drawn Lines by @the-sinking-ship (E, 61k)

Draco doesn’t consider himself an artist (though the dozens of sketchbooks lining his shelves might suggest differently). Yet ever since Potter returned to Hogwarts, accepting a teaching position alongside Draco, his drawings have taken on a rather singular focus.

February

The Things We Need by @kbrick (E, 25k)

Three hundred and fifty-three days out of the year, Harry is in a monogamous, fulfilling relationship with Draco Malfoy.

Then there are the other twelve days.

Lateralus by @shiftylinguini (T, 2k)

The world after the war was so big, and so untamed. Magic spilled out of every corner, creatures never seen before watching from nooks that never used to exist. There were colours in the air, in the morning dew drops on the leaves―indescribable, and new. Otherworldly, and pulled from a spectrum that shouldn't be visible in their world.

March

Heartlines by @sorrybutblog (T, 22k)

Just as Draco Malfoy's life seems to be getting back on track, the magic at Malfoy Manor is spinning out of control. Auror partners Harry Potter and Angelina Johnson are assigned to the case and quickly find that nothing about the situation is obvious. The flare ups are unpredictable at best, downright dangerous at worst, and why has a Hogwarts first year gone missing at the same time?

April

Heal Thyself by @astolat (T, 47k) "Are you going for the course?" Lovegood asked. "You have the NEWTs.”

“What course?” Draco said, then, “No, don’t be ridiculous,” when he realized she meant the notice pinned up on the board he’d been staring at: Applicants To The Introductory Mediwizard Course For The Coming Term Shall Present Themselves In The Chief Mediwizard’s Office By August 24th.

“Oh, I thought you might,” she said. “Well, goodbye.” And off she wandered again in her addled way.

any day now by @oknowkiss (E, 17k)

The rehabilitation centres were the Minister’s idea, or that’s what the Prophet said anyway. Their stated objective is simple: to provide a safe space for low-tier Death Eaters and high-tier sympathisers to reconsider the entirety of their life choices. All guests–because no one is a prisoner here, the literature brags–are to be provided with shelter, food, clothing, and the guided support of a Mind Healer via a programme they call “ideological restructuring,” which is, of course, mandatory.

Lovesick by @corvuscrowned (T, 8k)

People keep spiking Auror Harry Potter with love potions. Healer Draco Malfoy keeps having to pick up the pieces. But it's getting harder and harder for Draco to watch Harry fall in love with everyone except for him.

The Only Magic Left Between Us by @lqtraintracks (E, 24k)

Harry goes to the market and ends up having to save Draco Malfoy’s life with sex. He saves Draco’s life with sex and ends up with a husband. The last thing he expects in all of it is to fall in love.

Once More With Feeling by InnerLilith (E, 29k)

Draco is dosed with a consummation-compelling potion, with Harry Potter as his intended. It’s a cruel irony, because he’s wanted Potter for years. But not like this.

May

Not Nineteen Forever by @sorrybutblog (E, 6k)

A rogue charm hits on a mission and suddenly, Draco is nineteen again. Harry is still thirty-five and doing his best to look after his de-aged Auror partner (and forget about his long unrequited crush) until St. Mungo’s can brew the antidote. Only, Draco insists on wandering around Harry’s flat wearing nothing but Harry’s pants, flirting like his life depends on it and in the end, Harry’s only human after all.

June

An Emerald In The Sky by @corvuscrowned (M, 7k)

The hardest part about shagging an Unspeakable is that they’re not allowed to speak of anything. All Draco knows is that Harry works in Time. Harry works in Time, and while he’s out there in all of that time, it is as unforgiving to him as it is to anyone.

July

Two to Lie and One to Listen by @fluxweeed (E, 85k)

It’s weird when Hermione announces that she and Ron have broken up. It’s weirder when this is followed by the revelation that she’s already moved on—and the new object of her affections is Draco Malfoy.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not by @sleepstxtic (T, 6k) Astoria watches her husband fall in love with Harry Potter.

August

The (Third) Worst Year by TheFrancakes (E, 20k)

Draco Malfoy has one year to fall in True Love with Harry Potter or be turned into a Dragon. And he knows that is never gunna happen. This is going to be the worst year of his life.

Well, minus that whole having to kill Dumbledore or be killed by Voldemort thing.

Second worst year.

Oh, but there was his whole 7th year while Voldemort was using his house as a home base for Death Eaters and making him torture his fellow students. That one was pretty bad too.

Fine, this is the third worst year of his life. Hoppípolla by @moonflower-rose (E, 21k) Falling in love was as easy as jumping in puddles, and Draco Malfoy was completely drenched.

September

The July Tree by @oknowkiss (E, 52k)

Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail… nor well-meaning friends, nor questionable communication skills, nor seven years of hating each other’s guts can keep Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy from falling in love. OR: It’s Eighth Year, and Harry Potter has detention. What else is new? Well, since you asked: Greenhouse Four and the Tree of Life, for a start, and then there’s the new shared Eighth Year common room, and Harry’s sexuality, and these pesky dreams he keeps having about a blond man pushing him into things…

Pack by @rockingrobin69 (Not rated, 1.4k)

It was cute when they were in school, the whole rivalry thing.

What Makes a House a Home by @writcraft (E, 27k)

Ten years after the Battle of Hogwarts Draco Malfoy wakes up in an unfamiliar house owned by none other than Harry Potter. Even stranger is the snow in September and a night sky without any stars. Naturally it’s a matter of life and death, because isn’t it always?

The Unspeakable by @the-sinking-ship (E, 24k)

Healer Draco Malfoy took the job at the International Department of Mysteries for the paycheck and the prestige.But what he got was Unspeakable Harry Potter and the most fascinating curse he’d ever seen.

October

The wrong sort by @vukovich (Not rated, 1.6k)

Draco half-rolled, half-fell onto his back, his skin sweaty against Harry’s sheets. He licked his dry lips and exalted the plaster ceiling with, “Jesus fucking Christ.”

Howl by @tackytigerfic (M, 9k)

After an encounter with a vicious werewolf, Draco Malfoy wakes in a field hospital with a mangled shoulder, a furry little problem, and an inconvenient crush on Harry Potter. Potter, meanwhile, is still trying to save the world, only this time he wants Draco right there with him while he does it. Taking part in a rebellion against a corrupt regime isn't always glamorous, but at least sometimes there are organic farmshop pastries and fancy hotel bedsheets. Just don't ask about that smell of burning.

November

Under Giant Mountains by @wolfpants (E, 34k)

Harry doesn't know where he's going. Everyone else has their life paths figured out; he doesn't even know where his map is. Who'd have thought Draco Malfoy bathing in a Norwegian forest would be the guidepost Harry needed?

but first, we fight by @nv-md (E, 8k)

Fighting with Draco Malfoy has never been quite this thrilling...or this frustrating. Harry's always horny, Draco's in denial, and there simply isn't enough time in the day to fight crime and watch your ex-archnemesis wash his arse.

December

Tapestry by @kbrick (E, 51k) WIP

In 2017, Harry is on his way to Pansy and Luna's beach house. He’s a bit terrified of seeing Draco, to be honest. It’s been a while, and then there’s the little matter of Draco having married someone else in the interim.

In 2001, Draco is drunk, wearing Pansy's mother's ermine coat, and afraid to walk into the Leaky because someone might throw a curse at him. So, of course, he runs into his ex-nemesis and hopeless crush, Harry Potter.

The Same Sweet Shock by @xiaq (E, 17k) WIP

One day, Draco Malfoy is going to get his life together.

One day, he will be a respectable citizen. He will have a respectable job and his last name will no longer be a scarlet letter and people will no longer try to hex him in the street. One day, he is going to live a good, honest, ordinary life.

Today, however, is not that day. Because today, he is driving a stolen police car and will likely be responsible for murdering Harry Potter.

Accidentally, of course; not that the papers will care.

#drarry fic recs #citrus recs #drarry 2022 #i played fast and loose with publish dates for some of these because i wanted the months to be kind of *balanced*#there are lots more 2022 fics on my TBR (hello Erised)#and I'm sure I forgot some great ones I did manage to read this year #so the list itself is a work in progress.

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emblazons · 1 year

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*rattles the bars of my cage*

Mike Wheeler's emotional/moral ambiguity actually makes him one of the more fascinating younger characters in this show. Why?

Because he isn't following the same simple linear narrative line that Will and El are because of their supernatural interactions, but rather existing as a special, third thing that often exists in contrast to the villains in the story, where he gets to be messy and confused and insecure—and where he has spent entire seasons moving in the direction of what has always been the true enemy of characters in Stranger Things: conformity—and STILL CHOOSE WHATS RIGHT. Y'all are just so used to caricatures in television / thinking that "heroes "& "villains" exist in two entirely separate, non-overlapping camps (rather than existing in shades of gray) that you over-simplfy him...and miss the forest for the trees.

Mike being the one who struggles most with conformity and wanting other people to fill the gaps of insecurity are why all those goddamn Brenner parallels exist. It's why Vecna, who is paralleled to El in many ways, said something to El when she was tied to that door about a "mediocre man looking for power in someone else great" and it applies as much to Mike calling her a Superhero 2 seconds later as it does Brenner trying to use her powers. It's why the tension between him trying to "act normal" / date El (who exists on a pedestal for him) and him being the kind/loyal nerd who exists in "being human" with Will does—that love triangle exists to showcase his flux between his two sides, the one that embraces himself and the one that follows the path of the things he's always been told to want (like S1 Jonathan/Nancy/Steve).

Its why Mike is such a confusing mix of heroic energy and an immature chaos—why his insecurities have pushed him into some oddly toxic mindsets even at a young age...like thinking "a girl" will solve all his insecurity problems which sounds a hell of a lot like beginning of modern incel thought processes if you want to get into it, but he was 12 so we'll let that go and why he seems so wishy-washy now. Mike is just now aware enough of how his desires compete within him (and how they affect the people around him) to start making a choice about how he will respond to them...but we had to present all the sides he was conflicted by first, because for him, those conflicts almost always come at him in the form of relationship, like it does in most of our own lives.

Mike is not "under-characterized." He is not "poorly written." He is written human in a space (and two people) steeped in the supernatural, and is learning to accept himself for who he is in the midst of that. He is messy and morally ambiguous at times just like his mother and sister—and more interesting for it, because he isn't so easy to pin down as an "everyman central protagonist" that way.

If anything, Mike as a character is harder to follow because he exists as an entirely relational character in a show that often allows you to easily put all its other characters into caricatures (aka the superhero (El), the gay kid (Will), the final girl (Nancy), the POC kid (Lucas), the Guy in the Chair (Dustin), etc) and why, as the character that required four entire seasons to be fleshed out, he will probably be as central in the final season as the first. Mike has always needed external action to move through character growth...and Vecna, the being literally designed to push people to their limits, is the way he will probably go through that.

By S5, he will have to face his ongoing confusions and fears (aka major insecurity) and come into himself...for the sake of himself, his party and the one he truly loves. Mike's ability to make mistakes over the course of five seasons and still make a difference to defeating the ultimate evil in real life (and not just in the games he played as a kid) is what will give him the courage to self-actualize, admit that he is important even surrounded by people "more special" than he is, and come into his own—while embracing what makes him different.

You don't have to like him. You don't have to relate to him or even enjoy what The Duffers have done with him as a character (or any character tbh). But damn if you're gonna roll up and act like he doesn't even have a character because he's not Will or Eleven LMAO

Sidebar: to all the people mad m*leven went romantic...Mike would have never been able to realize that a girl wouldn't solve his problems...without having ever been in a (however poorly executed) romantic relationship with one. As a character motivated to learn through interaction with other characters, Mike needed to experience for himself that El—or any girl, really—wasn’t ever going to fill the hole of his internal insecurities. If he never got the thing he thought would solve his problem, he would have either never grown...or fallen into resentment while in the closet even longer, like men do about that in literal real life. Just saying.

#mike wheeler #mike wheeler core #Mike is written like he's for a different show sometimes #but HE HAS A CHARACTER #I PROMISE YOU HE DOES #SOMETIMES I DONT EVEN LIKE HIM BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN I DONT SEE WHO HE IS LMAO #please stop denying it because you're so focused on love triangles #I can appreciate him being a mess. you should learn to too!#like...lmao damn #my st commentary

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fiapple · 1 year

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something i love about huntress (1989) is just how succintly its opening scene builds up helena as a character & the overall themes of her narrative.

the comic opens on western society’s prototypical idea of a victim, a young white woman (that fact having its own horrid political history should be acknowledged)- fashionable for her era- walking alone at night, and being followed by a man with a knife.

Immediately, the scene visually cuts between the young woman & helena, tying them together in the eyes of the audience. it then plays out as so:

Huntress (1989) #1 by Joey Cavalier & Joe Staton

Both through the very explicit paralleling of the two women, and the lamp-shading thereof on the writer's part within the scene itself, helena is framed within the eyes of the audience as someone who herself has once been a victim. the creative team presents you with the one most archetypal examples of a victim they possibly could, though, again, the problems within the history of that fact can't be ignored either- one that for all its commonplace is still powerless and meek as ever, and said "our hero has once been her."

"I knew somebody with a name like that... a long time ago..."

By allowing the audience access information so early on, the creative team is quickly able to position helena as existent within a dichotomy of the struggle between the ongoing disempowerment of trauma, and the fight to regain one's sense of power thereafter, as seen through the lens of non-linear trauma recovery. It is planting the seeds of what will grow to be a major theme in helena's arc.

Additionally, it very quickly posits helena as a character who is, in part, motivated by the phantom of her own vicitimization. She is very quickly suggested to the audience to be a character that is doing this- doing all she can to fight, stave off, prevent acts of violence- as a form of penance both to herself and to the world for the moments in her own life in which she was unable to do so. It is put into the mind of the reader that she is followed by the wraith of her own suffering, and of knowing that the weight of trauma is one that others can also be forced to bear.

This is further reinforced by the immediate narrative focus the collaborators chose to place on helena as a figure of compassion. from her first scene in main canon, her focal point is the victim, so much so that when choosing to return to the scene to comfort the young woman, she is able to notice something as innocuous as a wallet and return it. Moreover, due to its atypical nature in the context of comics, the 'alley-way victim' being named with such a sense of gravity in this scene takes on an added layer of importance besides the aforementioned. The victim is humanized, emphasizing their centering in helena's concious motives. To further compound this, the first time we ever see helena speak on-panel is when she chooses to comfort this young woman. her words, her actions, her passion are all motivated by her own needs & wounds, yes- but the victim, the person being hurt, that is what is at the centre of them. if further evidence were required, one may even point to the fact that the first face we see at all is that of the victim's.

And, emphasizing the overall themes present within the introduction to an even more extreme extent, is the nature of the visual story-telling taking place on pages 4 & 5.

Page 4 begins with helena fighting the perp, her back turned away from the audience, but ends with her walking toward us, body language confident. This draws our attention both to helena's capacity to be imposing, to inhabit the position of the unknown in order to illicate fear, and to helena's individual power as a character.

Conversely, the first time we see helena on page 5, when her face is finally revealed to the audience, she is talking to the victim. It ends with her back to the audience, standing as if fixed in her position, taking up fairly equal panel space with her fellow as she watches helena k. walk off, and falls into a memory. this places the audience's focus on the fact that helena b. is just as, if not more so, consumed by her victimhood as her counterpart.

(this also sets up the following scene, in which we are given helena's backstory, exceedingly well btw)

Moreover, the visual choice to hide her face temporarily gives helena a sense of being quite guarded as a person, which will be expanded upon later, and shows that the dedication to character building started very early-on for Stanton & Cavalieri, which i really appreciate.

From the first breath of life given to her story, helena is deliciously presented as a byronic heroine- an unusual type of female character to see at all, let alone in comics- and it is done through focus on her agency as a character & her dominating sense of compassion for others.

Truly, I adore beyond my heart’s capacity just how much Staton & Cavalieri chose to dedicate their opening to showing just how much Helena is a character who finds the power to find personal redemption, empowerment, & rebirth- as violent and bloody as that rebirth may grow to be- in the ability she has to do good unto others, to try to allow them to retain the innocence that was taken from her by force & the closure she was denied. They put such energy into making it clear that she is a character so very deeply driven by a sense of compassion, one so consuming it may as well be keeping her heart in chains, and they portray it as equally served by her violence as tender-heartedness. it’s enrapturing, it’s enchanting. like, really, heart’s honour, i live for it.

#it really just is an excellent feat of teamwork & storytelling on part of staton & cavalieri #helena bertinelli #helena & trauma #joey cavalieri #joe staton #huntress v.1 #huntress (1989)#dc #this used to be a tag #gothamverse #dc meta #helena bertinelli meta #batfam meta #batcomics meta

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morkitten · 8 months

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Finished Metroid II: Return of Samus (Game Boy)

I think Metroid is at its best when it is a directed experience. Now, don't get me wrong, I think the "non-linearity" is fine, and the more straightforwardness of Fusion is sort of dull (because I don't think they do anything interesting with it, it does end up feeling like you're just doing chores for a dude), but, I think more than anything, Metroid II and Super Metroid are tone pieces about exploring an alien, hostile land that wants to kill you, and the exploration is in service of that feeling, not in service of itself. Exploration for exploration's sake, finding little missile expansions inside walls is not fun by itself, it's there to aid in this feeling of not knowing where these nooks and crannies lead you to, if they are just there, or if they're hiding something, it's to get you in that curious mindset so you keep exploring, so if you're stuck, you can find your way forward, or find something that will aid you. It's about creating a game that feels like exploring an abandoned mansion or space station or those kinds of thriller settings where you don't know what might be around the corner.

Super Metroid uses exploration to direct you to the next place, like a Zelda dungeon is always directing you somewhere, you feel "smart" because the game doesn't direct you so outwardly like a linear action game does. Because you can just go "the wrong way" and there might be something there if you're attentive, because it requires you to remember things and go back to places that weren't accessible before and then you feel smart for remembering them. But that's just how it does progression, it still "progresses" somewhere, it still "leads" you to the next beat like an action game does, and each "beat" is a different feeling that builds onto a crescendo of a game "narrative" just like scenes in a movie. The non-linearity is just an artifice for its tone. And it's a good one, and it allows the game to recontextualize earlier areas as your movement mechanics change or expand, but it's not the end-all. I think this is what the most people imitating these games (including *both* remakes of Metroid II) don't entirely get or put due emphasis on. They end up feeling like you're progressively doing little chores and think that "progression" happens because you get more power-ups to unlock more doors you couldn't before. And this lock-and-key is *boring* much like just "running" forward in an action game by itself is boring - you run forward in Contra, yeah, but other things are happening, and you're doing other things too. It has to be in service of a feeling, and this feeling needs to be imparted with every facet of the game, especially the music and visuals, but its design and mechanics too. This is why I don't like when people criticize the older Metroid games for being "floaty" - it's trying to make it feel like it's space! This is why the upgrade is called "Space Jump"! This is why Samus has two distinct kind of jumps, it's trying to motion towards how in low-G scenarios it's hard to control your momentum, so if she jumps while running forward, she just spiiiins out and can't stop still. Making her too snappy and heavy makes her feel too action-y and not enough space thriller. And it's a tight rope Metroid walks, because it both wants to be an action movie and a thriller. And movies have ridden that rope before too, but with a game, it means both making your character be able to do a lot, to feel cool doing it, but also make them feel helpless and cornered. Ideally this is what the upgrading does: "oh shoot, a new situation that i have no idea how to face or prevail over!" *gets upgrade* "the situation that was once insurmountable and scary is now one that i can overcome!". RPGs do this all the time, it's how they direct you too and tell you whether you're low-level for this area or not. But instead a lot of these kinds of games don't use this artifice as a tool. It's just. a thing that you do. a door with a color, literally. And what do you do when you think of Metroid? Isn't it the most directed moments? Isn't it the end of Super Metroid, with the baby? Isn't it when you go back to the surface in Super Metroid and the rain has cleared and the music changed? Isn't it the little creatures teaching you a cool trick? Or is it a time where you blasted a yellow door you saw hours ago with a weapon you didn't have? Because I don't think it's this last one.

I think now, after clearing Metroid II, what I'll forever think of Metroid is at the very end of the Game Boy game, where you're mercilessly hunting the last few remaining young Metroids. Where you might not even have the right weapon to deal with them, and you're in panic trying to figure out what to do, why they won't take any damage when all of its grown up forms you've faced earlier could just be taken out with your missiles. You run away until you stumble into a Chozo Statue room that has been completely destroyed, but the item for the Ice Beam is carefully hidden right behind him, like whoever tried to destroy the upgrade didn't see it. And you go "the Ice Beam? I got that item hours ago, I'm a few beams more powered up than this" but then you remember that that's the Metroids' weakness, that you have to "power down" to a familiar weapon of many hours ago to be able to finish the game. And then you hunt down the Metroids and it's literally just one room after the other. No backtracking, no forks in the road, just simple killing, one by one, hearing their death cries, watching the Metroid counter decrease all the day down to 1. It's not even remotely hard. Like spraying pesticide. You kill the final boss. 0. An egg. You try to destroy it. It hatches. A baby Metroid follows you around. You might be scared because a few minutes ago once one of these fuckers attach to you, they drain your health down to nothing unless you escape the room. But it never attacks you, it just follows you around and helps you to escape. And the game literally ends like this. Not fighting a really tough battle, not exploring until you find an upgrade (though there is a little bit of that), no puzzles that make you feel smart, not an area that you get familiar with as you keep playing and you get more upgrades that will open that area up more. Just, ominous music, deep black background, killing Metroids, watching the counter get smaller. Metroid II is weakest when it's meandering exploration. And yeah, Metroid II isn't at all the strongest game, but it has, I think, some important qualities up its sleeve.

#metroid #metroid II #super metroid

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daisychainsandbowties · 7 months

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Oh Casper: 4, 5, and 9 (🥺)

4. what are some themes you love writing about?

fascination is definitely one. writing about characters who are captivated by the world and touch it very reverently both physically and with language.

most of my ocs are like that, and i also explore it through ava and beatrice in different ways. for beatrice it’s often physics and the raw mechanics of the universe; for ava it’s the texturedness of things and how laden with meaning the smallest part of the world can be.

then there’s fascination in a romantic sense. love as fascination. it’s definitely woven into the fabric of how my characters look and think and feel about each other. it’s all driven by curiosity because i find that an interesting way to approach love; a person as a puzzle and then the knowing of them and the being known. to me that feels very much like love. an edge of it, maybe.

obviously violence, trauma, grief, and survival are themes i touch on constantly. i find it personally rewarding to explore what it means to survive a terrible thing (or to not-quite survive it, to be changed by it). what it means to live with the scars of that.

how people respond to violence is also a big theme for me, and with that you get themes of trauma, especially the challenge of depicting trauma in prose. there’s an instability inherent in most trauma narratives because of the thing itself. because trauma ruptures time; it unmakes sense of it.

it’s non-linear and often defies any attempt to capture it in language. it’s fear scattered over time and it’s often a specific event that has already happened but is happening now. the again and again and again of bad things, of that which is over, and over, and not.

probably that’s why non-linear narratives are so attractive to me; trauma doesn’t care what’s happening in the story. it’s a winged shape and it’s shapeshifting and it has visitations. it’s a ghost and it’s the monster come to eat you.

and it’s also quiet, aching, helpless. often it refuses speech and cannot be expressed. so the challenge of writing about it and having it as a narrative theme is very appealing to me. it’s an important thing to be able to represent because often it doesn’t let us speak until we adhere to the shape of its telling.

those are obviously just some of the themes i like to write about, but maybe the main ones at this moment in time.

5. what inspires you to write

you know? i really have no idea. part of it is how difficult it is. especially poetry leaves me feeling both drained and also incandescent. i think creating is just such a high and so satisfying - maybe it’s the dopamine chase of “i made a thing”? maybe also a desire to express things i can't get out in any other way

9. a passage from a WIP

from ligaments 8

your eyes resect her from the darkness, picking shade out of shade until there is the curl-cropped oval of her face, her hands below brighter than shadows, wrapped around an antique sword she has obviously pried from the cold marble hands of a statue. strange sense tells you that the blade is rust-pitted and weak, that you are twenty feet from her and faster, that her eyes are searching for you in the evacuated dark and there is a gleam of light on your blood, the curling trails of it cast over the flagstones.

you wonder, as pain lights a match in the pit of your stomach, if she will follow that blood to you. if it will take her home, or to her death.

you wonder if she can smell it. the faint, sweet rot that lurks inside the copper tang of your blood. can she feel how space is stretched and uncomfortable in the places where [redacted for spoilers]

beatrice once told you about closed-systems and you hardly believed her, but there’s an ache in the world around the places you dredged the demon out. frayed strands of matter fluttering around the spot where you pushed camila away, where she looked at you as the mouth of red fire swallowed her, and she could not have been safer if you’d taken her in on your tongue.

but the world is wounded, raw, the shadows threaded with stretched tissues. as ever you can only describe it in terms of flesh, as if the universe has anything so tender holding it together. and yet with a hand you can push through it, dip the backs of your knuckles into the scraping wind of the empty desert that is becoming your second home. it’s as easy as breaking the surface of water; it’s as easy as breaking a bone.

but it hurts. you are astonished by this mostly because you can tell the difference between your pain and the blunt thermodynamic pain of the world.

you always wondered what shannon meant, those times when she stood in a place where wraiths had ruptured through, staring up at the walls, tracing her fingers over the churned-up dust on the floor. on one occasion she listed onto her feet after examining a totally unremarkable section of the floor, glancing at you with an atypically maudlin expression.

“you’ll see it one day, lil.” she sounded very certain of this, though her eyes darted back away from you as she spoke, preoccupied with the cracked sections of the world that the halo laid bare for her.

“it takes time, but eventually you start to see the fractures. it’s… i guess it’s kind of like a poorly-set bone.” she winced, fingers reaching up towards her arm without meaning to. they aborted the gesture before it could happen, but you were thrown back nonetheless to the image of shannon braced against a wall, mary pressing her forehead into her shoulder.

they didn’t quite slot together exactly, and in fact the position seemed a little awkward to you from where you stood, white-knuckled. gripping the bumpy, unnatural texture of shannon’s forearm where the halo - in a panic, perhaps, or out of necessity – had reset the bone in a twisted approximation of itself. the flesh sat mutilated, lumpy with misplaced muscle. you had not, until that point, realised that the halo could make mistakes.

you stood as an off-kilter image of mary, one hand up high on shannon’s shoulder, pressing it into the wall. bare brick, or something equally – it felt, in that moment – cruel and uncompromising. your other hand gripped her forearm and she gripped yours back on its underside; the soft slope from wrist to elbow.

mary lifted her face away from where it had sequestered itself against shannon’s broad shoulder. her face set into an expression that made you want to look away, to go away and leave the pair of them alone with their pain.

you remember how she screamed, when mary twisted and twisted until her arm fell apart all over again, light from the halo spilling and crawling and writhing up along the brickwork. shannon, her mouth hanging open in shock, or horror, or something as simple as pain, watched the flow of light as it flickered off into nothing. it struck you as it did, on occasion, that what beatrice said about closed systems could not be true, or accurate. if that light came from God, was there more of it now in the world than there had been?

had shannon, a girl, split the world wide open with the breaking of her body?

“there she goes,” shannon said, and slumped forward into mary’s arms.

which were, as always, waiting for her.

you could not help the comparison then between mary with her body supporting shannon’s and those pictures you’d seen of Christ being taken down off the cross. the ease of that departure, nails slipping easily out of his upper wrist or the ball of his hand. he wouldn’t have cried out at all, or even sighed.

shannon did. both sounds roughshod in her mouth, tangling with each other like two people having sex. on instinct you tried to step forward, to bear the weight, but a look from mary set you in stone. you were not welcome. to mary, perhaps, you were the cross.

so you just stood and looked at them. how they slotted together better in that blood-and-light instant than they ever had before.

#fic: ligaments #ask meme #ty for the ask <3

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ziskandra · 1 year

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Fanfic Author Self-Recs!

@haljathefangirlcat tagged me to rec five of my own fanfics with you all — thank you, friend! 💖 I've tried to go with a variety of different fandoms and have mostly focused on older works. I also purposely haven't recommended any of my Dragon Age works as I feel DA has been occupying a lot of my brain space lately, and I wanted to give some of the spotlight to my other fannish interests! I'm gonna tag @mxanigel, @barbex, @joiningthefandomeightyearslate, @chocochipbiscuit and @fandomn00blr to share five of their works with us (if you so desire!) Without any further ado, I present my self-recs: 1. Retrospect - Mass Effect: Andromeda - Alec Ryder/Ellen Ryder (10k, rated M)

They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die and he's about to find out just how right they are.

A series of vignettes exploring Alec Ryder's relationships with his nearest and dearest, and the faltering steps he took to bridge the gaps between them.

Every time any sort of self-recommendation meme comes up, Retrospect is always the first fic that comes to mind. To this day, I still consider it my magnum opus, as I feel it really captures my strengths as an author. Character study of a morally grey, controversial character? Check. Non-linear narrative? Check. Experimental prose? Check. Vignettes? Check. Themes of family and struggling to fit in? Check check. If anyone ever wants to make my entire fucking month, please read this fic and tell me your thoughts on it. You will have my undying gratitude! 💖

2. Grounded - Mass Effect Andromeda - Calvin Kosta/Joelle Kosta (2.2k, rated M)

Calvin remembers the first time he held Liam in his arms. Big baby, nine pounds. His son is an ugly, wrinkly thing and yet also the most beautiful sight in the world. He smooths down the infant’s hair, kisses the soft spot on his head and whispers, “You’re gonna do great things." During the Reaper War, Calvin Kosta reflects on his relationship with his son.

This fic did really well on Tumblr (one of the few times I'd ever gotten over 100 notes on a post), but didn't quite get the same level of traction on AO3, which was quite interesting to me at the time as I'd never had that happen before (or since!) Honestly, it covers a lot of similar themes as Retrospect, but this time focused on Liam's family and how they deal with the Reaper War when they're left behind on Earth. IDK, I'm just obsessed with examining the human drive to live and survive, and what we struggle for, and how both our past experiences and our hopes for the future shape our actions, whether we're willing to admit it to ourselves or not.

3. Best Served Hot - Ace Attorney - Miles Edgeworth/Franziska von Karma (2k, rated E)

Franziska's gloved fingers seized Miles's jaw, digging into the sides of his face. "We were never siblings," she said. "Papa made sure of that. But if I can't best you in any other way, then I will have this."

If Retrospect is my ultimate magnum opus, then Best Served Hot is my franmiles manifesto. It truly is all of my feelings about this complicated and messy relationship dynamic carefully distilled into a fanfic! Anyway, I'm obsessed with the fact that Franziska regularly refers to Miles as her little brother, but Miles never refers to her as his sister.

However, the way that Miles acts with Franziska is SO sibling-like, whereas Franziska's a bit... weirder. She never really had normal familial relationships modeled to her (Miles, on the other hand, at least had something of a normal upbringing before his father's death).

Franziska is also a character who, for lack of a better term, weaponises her femininity. She's so young but she's built this whole aesthetic around tight miniskirts and kitten-heeled boots and carrying and using a fucking bullwhip. So, I 'm particularly fascinated by the cross-section of Franziska's obsession with Miles Edgeworth and her insecurities (and how she over-compensates for them).

Of course, if she stopped to think about it for a minute, she should have realised that Miles Edgeworth is perhaps not the ideal target for her feminine wiles, but Franziska's not exactly known for keeping a cool head in a crisis.

Finally, this fic also explores another point in Franziska's life that I'm fascinated by, which is her reaction to Phoenix Wright's disbarment. Phoenix is the only lawyer who has ever bested her (if she can even admit that much), and I think she would be INFURIATED by the insinuation that he owes his career success to forgery. Franziska von Karma would NOT be bested by a fraud! (And also she would be furious that Klavier Gavin got the chance to do what she's always wanted to do -- that is, defeat Phoenix Wright -- but that's a topic for another fanfic.)

4. Intermission - Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - Audra Levine/Greg Serrano (2.3k, rated T.)

Recently divorced Audra Levine visits West Covina to provide moral support during her frenemy’s open mic night. Greg has always had a type.

While gregaudra (graudra?) might be something of a random ship, I was really surprised by how well they worked together (although in hindsight, it should have been obvious -- Greg really has a type, huh). I love Audra as a character, and I'm always obsessed with giving her room to grow and move on as a character and determine the shape of her own life, the way she wants, much as Rebecca (and Greg) got to do in the course of the series. (Also, its sequel, Realization, still has one of my favourite lines I think I've ever written: Audra's been busy filing away the parts of her life that don’t spark joy while retaining the parts that do, like she’s Marie Kondo-ing the weight and burden of everyone’s expectations instead of her household possessions.

I so rarely write in contemporary fandoms that it was a fun exercise to write stories where the popculture references actually help ground it in time and place.)

5. Sink or Swim - Harry Potter - Percy Weasley/Oliver Wood (12k, rated T.)

Percy has always struggled to keep his head above water.

(Or: the story of Percy Weasley, from his youth, through to his estrangement with his family, to the end of the war.)

It feels weird to be recommending HP fic in this day and age, but my complicated* feelings towards the fandom aside, I'm still really proud of how this fanfic turned out and how I was able to cram all of my Percy Weasley analysis into a coherent story. I particularly loved delving into how Percy was pushed into positions of responsibility from a young age (and then simultaneously derided for the very same qualities his parents reinforced), and how he struggled with his conflicting desires to fit in but also to succeed and be recognised for his talents and efforts. There's a couple of sentences from the fic which really encapsulate how I see Percy's relationship to his family, which I'll quote here:

In bits and pieces, Percy tells Oliver all about the estrangement to his family: how he’d always gotten along with his dad best growing up, no matter how his mother had doted on him. How when he was younger, he’d wanted nothing more than to be the next Arthur Weasley. How he’d always thought that his dad deserved more.

How it was easier to blame his father’s idiosyncrasies and personality for his family’s struggles with money, than to acknowledge it as a failure of the society he’d been raised in.

How he’d foolishly thought that if he studied enough, worked enough, succeeded enough, he could change it all.

Percy's story really is that of every working-class child who's sought to improve their life (and their family's life) through education and I just... relate to that a lot!!

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sionisjaune · 3 months

Note

for the fic ask game:

★ what was the scene you most wanted to write in a whole lot for me to settle? what was the hardest scene to write?

☉ what do you do when you get stuck writing?

and

❖ pick 2 fics and I’ll combine them somehow - i think you like it, laughed when you came down and dirty valentine series, if possible 👀🥰

The ask game

★ The scene I most wanted to write in a whole lot for me to settle was Seb keeping Christian's bees! I was imagining an unlikely domestic ending for the seb/christian from my other girl!seb fic, and Seb's bee obsession + Christian's backyard bee hives was too perfect. It was one of the only aspects of that fic that I actually planned out in advance. The hardest scene to write was probably the first sex scene. I just didn't know how to get them into bed, but I figured that this Seb would probably just go for what she wanted completely overtly.

☉ The only time I got stuck writing this fic was when I was just beginning. I wrote a couple different first scenes that I ended up abandoning. As soon as I figured out the non-linear narrative of it all, I was on track.

❖ The answer here is either a complicated semi-domestic endgame for het princess cake, or present day brocedes foot kink on a yacht. Just imagining the het princess cake option makes me very sad so... let's dig into it. Nico is divorced as in dirty valentine, and let's say that Jenson is too (it's his second time). Where dirty valentine revolves around Lewis's career, the princess cake version revolves around XE. I think Nico kind of hates Jenson for how he used to treat her in the paddock, and hates that he doesn't seem to be taking the gender equality part of XE very seriously. Because here's Nico, working in the most empathetic and welcoming racing environment of all time, and everything is perfect and comfortable, and there's Jenson, prowling the XE boat after discarding his second wife. I think the only ending comparable to dirty valentine is that they never have sex and become genuine friends. There's still that anxiety for Nico that Jenson only wants to fuck her, though. And Jenson is never redeemed... the fic would just sit in the space where they never sleep together so Nico never has to find out what would happen if they did... if the friendship is real or just the precursor to sex. Wow. I'm making myself sad...

#fic ask game

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bluraaven · 1 month

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Radio Freetown | a Cobb Vanth x Din Djarin fanfiction

Rating: M

Tags: Din Djarin/Cobb Vanth, Long-Distance Relationship, Enough pining to run a logging operation, Loneliness, Copying Mechanisms, Not Canon Compliant, Touch-Starved Din Djarin, Badass Cobb, the vulnerability of late night talks, Non-Linear Narrative, Happy Ending

Summary:The idea of an independent radio station is born in the wake of the third annual celebration of the liberation of Freetown. Like most births it can trace its origin back to a union; in this case the unfortunate coming together of Cobb Vanth, the town marshal, and Taanti's homebrewed desert plum and cacti hooch in the saloon that is owned and run by the Weequay.

Chapter 3

[...] For a while, the skeleton of Jabba's barge marked the spot where the sarlacc dwells but it had not taken long for scavengers to pick it clean and now only the largest, most cumbersome pieces of its hull remain, half-buried on a drift like the bones of some long-dead beast. In time, they too will disappear and with it one more trace of the late Hutt.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, Cobb thinks and halts the speeder at the edge of the pit.

Once, this had been Jabba's favourite place to get rid of his enemies, apart from feeding them to his menagerie. Until he was killed, maybe even in this very spot where Cobb now stands. Strangled by one of his slaves, the story goes. And it's a good one, good enough that Cobb doesn't much care to find out whether it's true or not. He wants to believe it, had raised a toast to a nameless girl and laughed at the irony of the former daimyo and the most feared crime lord in the history of the planet being ended by a slave.

Word is, she had choked Jabba to death with the very chain he had used to imprison her. It is poetic, the kind of story that never gets old but rather more embellished with every retelling around nightly campfires and which Cobb falls in love with anew every time he listens to it like it were the first time.

"Anyone home?" Cobb calls into the enormous sinkhole and revs the engine of his speeder.

That never failed to draw the sarlacc out, seeing as for the entirety of Jabba's rule the noise of vehicles meant the roar would be followed by food.

He doesn't particularly want to see sarlacc, a creature that lives unbothered by and uncaring for all the rest of Tatooine.

He wants to see the sarlacc, revulsion and fascination boiling inside of him.

As if to spite him, the sarlacc does not show itself.

"Hello, you ugly bastard!"

Cobb's voice chases down the slopes of the pit like a pair of startled skitters, echoing in the way it tends to in vast, empty spaces.

The pit remains ominously silent.

Read the full chapter here.

[A.N. so in a way this is a reblog but I've been in the mood to make the chapter updates look nice and I've decided to start right at the beginning.]

#blu's corner #blu's tag: fanfiction #din djarin #cobb vanth #dincobb #din djarin x cobb vanth #marshmando #the mandalorian fanfiction

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dhr-ao3 · 1 year

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The Captain and the Rebel

The Captain and the Rebel https://ift.tt/VAgKeUp by Canttouchthis “I see you in my dreams,” she said the words like they were a song, blinking as though trying to clear the cobwebs from her mind. “In the moments before I wake. I see castles and spaceships and pastures. And every time, I see you. I wondered how long it would be until we met this time.” In the year 3486, Draco Malfoy is a loyal, tired Captain of the Intergalactic Sovereignty. But when he’s tasked with interrogating the illustrious rebel Hermione Granger, he’ll slowly find his world upended as she weaves a love story that spans a thousand years and countless solar systems. Words: 5795, Chapters: 1/9, Language: English Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Mature Warnings: Major Character Death Categories: F/M Characters: Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy Additional Tags: Canon Divergence - Post-Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Alternate Universe - Space, Spaceships, Past Lives, Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Tragedy, Prisoner Hermione Granger, Secret Relationship, Non-Linear Narrative, Older Hermione Granger, Older Draco Malfoy, Blind Character, War, Space People via AO3 works tagged 'Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy' https://ift.tt/Rne3U0H April 23, 2023 at 09:12PM

#IFTTT #Dramione #Draco x Hermione

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motownfiction · 2 years

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about this blog

note, 9/21/22: this is a reintroduction to my fiction blog. the post is largely the same as it ever was but with a little extra clarity.

i’m a writer who writes (she/her). i’m also a phd candidate in film studies, where my work focuses on 1980s youth cinema in the united states, with a special focus on delinquency. needless to say, the intersection between my creative writing and scholarly writing is pretty strong, so you’ll see a lot of themes here that pop up in my real job. it’s fun for me 🥰

this sideblog is for my original fiction: a series of non-linear vignettes about the same set of characters in the same universe, a semi-fictionalized version of the suburban metro detroit area -- hence the name motown fiction.

before i continue, i should let you all know that this universe deals with themes of teen pregnancy, infidelity, and death. nothing is ever explicit or gory. everything is kept at network television levels. in other words, this universe should remind you a little bit of what you saw on the WB in the late 90s and early 00s. there are no HBO vibes! essentially, this blog is for fans of things like dawson’s creek, one tree hill, and our beloved, short-lived freaks and geeks.

it should also be noted that this blog WILL NOT TOLERATE BIGOTRY in any way, shape, or form. my writing reflects the kindness, compassion, grace, and love that i share in my real life. this is a safe space, and any hatred will be eliminated on sight.

the series follows seven core characters (lucy, will, sadie, sam, daniel, steph, and charlie) and a larger cast of supporting players through their lives, from their births in the late 1960s through the present. it chronicles their friendships, romances, losses, and grief. there is a major character death. occasionally, we’ll see the characters in the small catholic school they grew up in; other times, we’ll see them dispersed throughout the united states in their various career paths, from guidance counselors to landscapers; english professors to jazz musicians.

most important is that the series is written nonlinearly. one vignette might take place in 2003, after that major character death, and the next might take place in 1984, when all the characters are alive. there’s no such thing as spoilers or reading things out of order because the whole text is written out of order. these vignettes are more moments in time than a plot-driven narrative. there’s continuity, but the chronological order doesn’t matter. my best advice is to find a character you kind of like and go through their tag. i’ve tagged each character, pairing (romantic and platonic), and year for people to follow along with if they want.

my ask box is always open for things like ask/prompt games. send me numbers in those games! anon is always off for security reasons, but you are more than welcome to interact. i’d love it, even!

overall: if you like suburban stories, catholic school survival, the midwest, detroit, the 1980s, nostalgic criticism, classic rock, bubblegum pop, diners, other liminal spaces, literature, hollywood cinema, or any combination of these things, this blog is for you.

have fun, i hope!

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youtube

#text #about this blog #introductions #Youtube

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riewritten · 2 years

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11 DISTURBINGLY HEAVY

DUSK IN THE BRIGHTEST | chapter directory

erwin smith/fem!reader, erwin smith/you, no y/n | slow burn, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff & smut, mutual pining, canon AU, college/univ AU, professor erwin smith, commander erwin smith, non-linear narrative, manga spoilers

Trigger warning: canon-typical violence, graphic description, explicit sexual content, suicidal thoughts, mental health issues, trauma, implied/referenced sexual harassment, implied/referenced abuse, attempted murder, overdosing

Plot: It was always the nightmares, really. Entrapped with walls, human-eating giants, fighting through metal strings and swords – utterly violent, dreary, recurrent. But behind the blurry faces was a man with menacing blue eyes and vivid features; eventually appearing before you as your new reputable professor, Erwin Smith. Since then, the disaster had slipped beyond your subconscious. AO3

The shocking event in Erwin's car rendered you mindless the next few days — floating in an endless void with repeated mutters of "You can’t wish me a good night when you tell me something as horrifying as that!"

The heaviness had always been stemming from your dreams, but this time it's the other way around.

How much does he know? How frequent his nightmares were? Did he see me there as well? What does he think about it? And most of all, how spiteful he was towards my lack of acquiescence?

The thoughts halted when you heard your name — ranging from weak whispers to moderate echoes. It took a hard elbow nudge until you snapped back to reality.

He called your name again, "Are you okay?"

Oh, crap.

Reality, indeed. You’re in the classroom, Erwin's class specifically. He's looking at you from the instructor's table. The room is silent, the lesson is interrupted, and they are all looking at you.

"Huh?"

Historia nudged again and whispered, "What's happening to you?"

You mouted a silent "What?" with furrowed brows.

Erwin repeated the question, more urging this time, "Are you okay?"

"I apologize," you mumbled, "I was spacing out."

"You don't look well. I can excuse you if you need to go to the infirmary."

"No," you replied, slowly getting aware and conscious of your surroundings, "I'm really fine. Sorry."

"Okay, just tell me if you need to go. Your friend can accompany you," he cleared his throat then continued his lesson.

Historia's nudges came harder, "I swear to god, you've been like that for a week now. What the heck happened to you?"

You shrugged, not in the headspace to elaborate that "This mister in front of us dropped a bomb that brought my brain to shambles. Now all of you are required to repeatedly call me out to bring me back to the conversation."

Even when you come across Erwin at school, you couldn't greet him properly. His class only happens once a week, and this is the day you formally met again after that incident; no wonder he bothered interrupting his class for asking your welfare

"Don't worry too much, Hisu. I just need more sleep as usual."

Not long after, the class was grouped for its first major writing project.

"So, according to Mr. Smith, we'll be creating a short novel and deconstruct it using different literary theories," Armin, the group leader, started—every group member aside from you two groaned. "Three members will be the ones to write while the rest will deconstruct. Every group has a specific theme," he paused for a while as he squinted his eyes on the paper, then continued, "...uh, the theme's very vague? It only says dreams here."

"Fuck," you hissed which surprised the group. However, you shot Erwin a glare.l Instead of clarifying, He was looking at you, too—flatly so—as if just waiting for your reaction.

Historia tapped you gently from behind as she got the context immediately, "Tell me this is a coincidence."

"What the fuck is this man on?" you whispered back.

“It's not a coincidence? Does he know?"

You groaned in sheer frustration, "Oh god, I'm not doing this today."

"Hey," Ymir disturbed your dilly dallies, "what if we just write your freaky dreams instead? Let's get this shit done asap, please."

"Hey," Historia glared, "don't force her on that! You don't even know how bad it is"

Armin then called out your name, "Are you okay? Maybe I should just ask him to change our theme?"

"Yes, please."

And so he did raise his hand for it, calling Erwin’s attention. "Sir, can we exchange themes with the other group?"

His "no" didn't even take a second. Your frown tightened and yet Erwin took no mind of it.

Sensing the tension, Eren prompted, "You have sleeping problems?"

"Recurrent nightmares."

"That would do then! You lead the writing.”

"I said don't force her on that!"

"But," Armin interjected as he faced you, hesitation laced his voice, "we're the only ones who could actually write here. I suggest you lead the writing team, too. We don't necessarily have to push for your nightmares, though."

"But her sleeping problems would make things easier," The green-eyed pressed.

"God, be sensitive for fuck's sake! She's certainly not having a good time with it. That's why she’s here with us instead of the higher batch. And we're gonna use that as mere project material?"

The two batchmates kept bantering for a while—with Eren arguing for convenience while Historia countering with consideration over your welfare.

In your mind, however, Erwin's request just played again and again: Let it free by acknowledging its existence.

Acknowledge its existence.

Oh… yeah, why not? You're seeking progress, after all. That's why you told him you'd consider, after all.

"Fine, I'll do it."

Historia snapped out of her banters, "Are you sure?"

"The others are right. I also want this over immediately," you then scooted nearer to Historia and whispered, "Erwin knows about the nightmares and he's doing this intentionally."

"Have you told him?"

"The gist, yes, but then he told me he got nightmares, too."

"Huh!” the blonde shrieked. The rest of the class glanced at her.

"Hey, you made everyone in this room look at you," Ymir pointed out before continuing. “Going back, let's work on it now. We don't have much time left."

"So if we're gonna push for this, here's the premise; repeated nightmares in a post-apocalyptic setting, humanity trapped inside big walls so giant monsters wouldn't reach them, military fighting the giants by going outside the walls only to be mercilessly—wait, what the hell is with your reaction?"

They all averted their gazes at you after pointing it out.

"Oh, uhm… Just—just kinda heavy."

"It's just a plot."

"I know. I—uh—"

"Continue," Mikasa interjected.

"In those dreams, I've always been a soldier so I think it'll be an easy turnaround for the narration—especially since it's very vivid, physically and mentally."

"Physically? Like, you feel pain?" Armin inquired.

"Yeah, though the physicality just started recently. Got my bones broken there once, and when I woke up my whole body was throbbing in pain. It quickly subsided when I was oriented again though."

"So, some kind of multiplayer game where you can control your actions or something?" It was Ymir this time.

"No. It's like recalling a memory but with complete senses."

"I think we should just not push for it," Eren mumbled. "Sorry, we shouldn't have pressed you on it."

Historia rolled her eyes, "Too late. You already forced her."

“I really don’t mind it."

"It's not that. I'm just… uncomfortable with the plot. Don’t get me wrong, I love action and all but—"

"I don't get it." For some reason, his reaction unnerves you, "There are series with the same theme way more intense than what I'm proposing."

Historia agreed with Eren, though, "Well, I guess I just got accustomed to it."

Her girlfriend shrugged, "Well, if it’s this heavy then we might have a hard time making it."

"Well, if it's heavy for you then it's good for a plot. Good plot means a better score." you countered.

"If it's fine for you then let's just work on it." Without asking for the rest of the group, Armin started writing the summary on the paper.

"Maybe it's better to just…" Mikasa mumbled, giving you a slight surprise, "...take breaks in between as we make it. Working on it continuously might be draining for me as well."

You didn't expect the stoic kid to be bothered by it, too. Nonetheless you replied, "I'll try to write a more specific plot guide so things will get easier on your end."

"Sorry. If ever you don't want to push for it anymore, you could tell us. We'd understand."

You didn't answer anymore. It's not like you could withdraw from this. Erwin gave you this theme with ulterior motives.

After the group caucus, you put your head down on the table and shut your eyes tight. It went on until Erwin bid his final announcements and dismissed the class. Everyone gestured to leave except you; Historia caressed your head. “Are you fine? Maybe we should go to the infirmary."

“No, I don’t feel awful. I’m just tired. No class will be using this room afterward, right?”

“Yeah. Our class is the last one for today.”

“I’m taking a nap then. See you.”

Historia hesitated to leave, you felt that much with the tremor on her hands. But you're still not in the headspace to clarify. "Sleep well, I guess...”

Taking naps in public became a habit whenever you’re feeling extremely tired since sleep is less frightening that way, and thus you drifted for quite a while. However, the sound of someone tapping mindlessly on a table near you interrupted it; along with it was papers flipping. You didn't mind at first, but when the person in question started humming a random song, you shot your eyes open.

“Why are you still here?” you groggily asked; not lifting your head from the table but still wide-eyed.

Erwin tapped lightly on the papers he's been checking in response.

You turned your eyes to the professor’s table and it was empty. Quite confused, you stared back at him again, “And why are you seated beside me?”

“I figured it would be easy to do all these with the company of someone snoring.”

“I did?” you lifted your head up to sit properly, “I don’t snore in my sleep!"

"Really? I'm pretty sure I even heard you mumbling my name as you did."

Blood drained your face, "No shit. I did?"

He said nothing in reply, not even turning his eyes on you. Just focused on the paper, trying to hide a sneer.

"I did?" you pressed further, voice quite louder now but still no reply from him, "I swear to god if you're messing with me again–"

"Yeah, I was just messing with you," he finally faced you then, "I was quite worried about you earlier but now that you have that energy back, I guess you're fine."

Despite annoyance, relief washed over for not muttering anything alarming while asleep. You slouched down the table again and let out frustrated huffs.

"How are your nightmares?"

"Please don't talk to me about the nightmares. It's been very hard to deal with lately."

"I'm sorry."

"I told you I'd think about that first."

"Sorry."

"You're not sorry. Armin tried to ask you to change the theme but you said a flat no."

"To be fair, the theme was picked by the representatives themselves through draw lots. I didn't expect it to really end up in your group."

"Hah," you tutted, "bet you were satisfied with the results either way."

"I am," Erwin's reply incurred a glare from you. He could've just lied to alleviate your annoyance. However, your stare softened when you saw him with a poignant smile. "I'm still giving you the leverage to think about my request. I'm sure your group mates will understand if you really don't want to do it. I completely would as well."

You furrowed your brows at him in worry, well aware that you have to confront him one way or another. Avoidance warrants nothing. You have to hear about his fair share of nightmares regardless of the confirmation it would bring. That's the only way you can have someone to rely on.

"About your nightmares," you started with slight trembling, "what were those?"

"I told you I'll share that with you after you tell me all about yours."

God, I already know what it's about. I just want to know the details. You purse your lips in frustration, frustrated at your unreadiness to talk about your fair share of nightmares. You've been backtracking about this numerous times already as if you're not in control—that you still need a harder push so you could spit the lump out.

"Was it… tormenting for you?" How tormented were you on carrying the burden of our lives?

He looked down as his smile went even more wistful, "I was thankful it did, though; with all the things I've done that's just a trivial matter."

"What did you do to deserve that?" you spat quite loudly. Having to experience it yourself, you just know nothing could ever justify how tormenting it is and it ever will for you. Nothing.

"Well, you have to have something in exchange for that information," his demeanor then shifted from mournful to lighthearted.

"You just won't let me win this, huh? God, give me a break."

After his chuckle, only the flipping papers were heard again. It's a step forward, you thought to yourself.

"How long until you finish that stuff?"

"Until late afternoon, I guess."

"Roughly three hours or so, hm. I'm taking a nap again. I hope you get to finish that with snores amusing you." Then you slouched on the table, facing him as your eyes slowly heavied towards sleep.

"Thank you for your service, then." To return the favor, he stood up and lowered the curtains to decrease the light.

"You're much kinder that way," you hummed, almost inaudibly. "Just stay like that and don't be bad to me, okay?"

Fortunately for him, he still heard it. Erwin concealed a snicker, then lightly ruffled your hair. "I'll try my best this time around."

While you’re not sure what it meant, you released a small chuckle and finally drifted towards another nap, relatively peaceful this time around.

Slowly but surely, you’re finally doing what you were told; taking the mission seriously and getting appreciative of it by forming a bond with your comrades, albeit shallowly. The Special Operations Squad is doing better and the turnover of leadership to Levi was successful. Erwin, as usual, has been raising his reputation as a prominent Scout to the point of creating a barrier between him and Shadis. The commander has been facing critics left and right about how his underling does it better, while all he's done is staying alive. You didn't join the discourse though; Erwin's not the whole Scouting Regiment and you have separate missions to do.

"Hey," Levi called your attention as you walked towards them after an errand, "Big brow's requesting logistical help again. Go to him and work on it."

You sighed tiredly, “Of course he’ll put me in a newly built squad because the elites must be convinced of its relevance,” then slouched on the big wooden box beside you, "never thought he'd be able to order you around, though."

"You're not any different. Seems like he has no other purpose for you as well than kiss nobilities' asses in his stead." You didn't answer his banter and grabbed the water pouch to drink from it instead, but then, "Don't even dare. I drank on that already. That's mine."

"I was the one who brought this here. I didn't even get to drink yet."

"And I drank on it while you were gone. The mess hall's too far and that's the only clean thing here. Get something for yourself while you're on the way."

You sighed in dismay—these guys will not give you a break—then just stomped towards the building again.

You knocked on Erwin's office and made your presence known by stating your name. When he told you to enter, you opened the door and flatly closed it. He was sitting at the table, looking quite tired.

"I apologize, Levi told me you were just finishing an errand before I called on you. I also don't want to bother you anymore as you handle a lot of logistical work as it is; as well as representing the new squad with diplomatic concerns."

You didn't answer, but your eyes were speaking, "Okay, dismiss me then."

But he didn't, instead he opened his drawer and let out a stack of documents; he signalled you to go nearer before speaking again, "As you can see, despite our efforts, we're still in a difficult situation regarding funds. I guess Lobov's influence just doesn't die like that. What I have here is a pool of noblemen we could clinch. I know you served some of them before, that's why I have no one to ask for help but you."

"How did you know?"

"I heard your name from them during a gathering way back. I figured they would consider sponsoring us if it's a prominent soldier to convince them."

You flipped the pages and he was right, you worked with almost everyone on the list. However, you froze after seeing the profile of a certain man. "Murdoch Evans, is this one of the men who mentioned my name during that gathering you heard me?"

"Yes."

"Have you heard what he said?"

"Yes," you bit your inner lip.

That bastard really dared to spread that to his colleagues, enough to be heard even with military leaders.

"Then why–" you cut yourself off and just heaved a grunt. "Have you set an appointment with him already?"

"Yes, actually he's the first one we will be meeting on that list. His appointment is set two hours from now."

You stared at him in disbelief, "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

"I've been attempting to reach out to you since last week but you were always unavailable," his answer made you remember your intentional avoidance. "His appointment was supposedly scheduled three days from now but he abruptly moved it this afternoon after he was informed that you'll go with me, so I am left with no choice but to summon you here."

"How much have you heard on that gathering?"

"I'm pretty sure I grasped the gist of it."

"And yet, you…" you paused for a while to ponder, but decided to just brush it off. "This is what you're talking about when you foul play, huh." You blandly added.

"You're free to do the same if that's what you need to get the job done,"

You have to be fucking kidding me, good sir; you thought to yourself. "Am I the only one to talk to him on this matter?"

"No. I'm coming with you. I'm the one who arranged it after all."

"How high are the stakes here? And what proposal have you given him to consider?"

"The stakes are something we'll talk about later, but the only thing he had asked of me was to bring you to him. I was reluctant at first so I told him I'll give updates on whether or not you'll agree on that considering what I heard. But then he proposed a large sum. He said he just wanted to see you. I figured we could work around something as vague as that."

You walked towards the office couch and sat down, rested your elbows on your knees then massaged your temples to ground yourself. You don't want him to see how fumed you are with the situation he's putting you through. Out of all people, you understand how imperative sponsorships are and you’ve been putting a lot of effort because of your expertise in handling the elites.

But this one is just too personal for you.

Silence covered the room for the rest of the waiting hours. You stayed and he silently let you rest on his couch to prepare yourself. When it was time, he gestured you to follow through.

"Erwin!" Hange beamed, but they quickly averted their gaze at you walking behind him. "What's with her? Why so dark?"

"We're on our way to a meeting with a potential sponsor and she's coming with me since she knows the man."

"Right! As expected to the Scout's diplomat!" Hange exclaimed but your expression didn't change a bit. You’re glowering and you weren't able to hide it. "Is she okay, though? She looks bad."

"We don't have much time, Hange."

"Oh, sorry, sorry. Good luck, then! I'm sure it will end up good if she's going with you. Also, Erwin, I have something to report regarding my proposal on the squad's subdivision. You're available after this, right?"

"I am. Now if you'll excuse us."

Hange paved the way with a short tap on your shoulder, "I rarely see you like this. If you want someone to talk to, I'm here okay?" They whispered.

You nodded to her and mumbled, "Thank you."

A military police soldier stood in front of the door, confirming that that man was already there. You heaved a long sigh as it opened, successfully concealing any emotion before that man sees it for himself.

"Good day, Mr. Evans," Erwin greeted and the old man immediately perked up upon seeing your presence. "We apologize for being a minute late; a soldier asked us about some matters."

"It's fine," he sportively replied. "You brought me what I asked for after all. Come on, sit down."

You tensed, seething in anger that's a bit too hard to hide. The bastard was seated on the center part of the table, while Erwin on the right side. You sat beside Erwin, then.

"I would like to clarify something, good sir," Erwin remarked, "she's here to represent the logistical team on behalf of the Special Operations Squad. I figured you had heard of the newly established division and before we partake in the upcoming expedition, some of them are going to handle the preparations."

"I'd like this talk to be short, though. You were able to bring me what I want and I stick to my word regardless of my simple wishes."

You figured it was your time to speak, and thus let out a firm smile, "What do you need of me, Sir?"

"Quit the regiment and work alongside me again."

"I'm afraid I'm not a subject to be to be bought under specific propositions, Mr. Murdoch."

"Still so serious, huh?" The old man called your name and that sound alone made you clench your fists, "We haven't seen each other for a long time but you're still so young and perky. How have you been all this time? I was reaching out to you for years only to no avail because you're too busy."

"I'm fine. I apologize for not meeting you back then. My job was very hectic."

No.

You intentionally made it so you wouldn't cross paths, not to save yourself but to spare him from death. Now that he’s here, you realized that your desire to strangle him never wavered after all these years.

"Well, at least we have this encounter again. Brings back good memories, isn't it? It's a pity I just saw you one time as a soldier. I thought I'll be able to see you grow up into a beautiful lady since I took you and your brother in my wing decades ago."

It was Erwin's turn to be surprised. He glanced at you upon realizing that this was the same man who briefly kept you in childhood. You subtly gave him a glare to tell him how hard he fucked up now, then went back beaming at the old bastard.

"I appreciate you remembering such trivial moments, Sir. It's a pity you already retired years after the two of us became soldiers."

"I figured I want to take a rest early. I already have enough fortune to do so, after all. That said, I heard what happened to your brother. Ah, that poor child. You two were the reasons why I considered sponsoring the regiment. I'm so sorry about what happened."

You fell silent after that, and Erwin took the time to speak. "I never thought you were that close. That's quite an endearing reunion," he remarked. "Now, regarding the agenda at hand, let us talk about the proposition we made about the sponsorship. First, I would like to present the rationale for the next expedition."

"I really don't care about all that, I'm just feeling generous to give some of my fortunes. Again, what I am eyeing for is this lady beside you."

"I'm afraid she's not included in the agreement we've prepared–"

"Erwin," the old man is now annoyed. "Can you leave us two? I would like to discuss my conditions with her, alone."

You tensed in your seat, a big lump formed up your throat. The last time people left you alone together wasn't a great memory. The lump turned into trembles that Erwin noticed despite its subtlety.

You want to kill him.

Your concern is this job, the funds, and the expedition itself; all of it at risk if you fail to keep your cool. And the thing here is, you don't have something to protect with all your heart that would guarantee your endurance. You don't have your brother anymore.

"I'm afraid I can't leave here, good sir," Erwin answered, "you told me to bring her here and that's what I did. You never mentioned me leaving her alone with you. I have to be here to represent the commander, after all."

"So do you want the funds or not? You won't be getting it if you can't even comply with my simple wishes."

"I agree with my squad leader, Mr. Murdoch. I prefer to have this talk purely professional for now. We could save our personal reunion for later," you lied to calm him down.

"Tsk," he puffed on his seat. "Okay, I'll be sponsoring half of the sum that you need for the expedition. That's a bit of a gamble, don't you think?" You widen your eyes. That's really a lot.

"What offer would you like in exchange?" Erwin inquired.

He pointed at you lazily, "I told you already, make her quit from this shabby place and I'll take her as a soldier directly under my command."

"As expected of you, Mr. Evans. I knew you wouldn't gamble such a high amount on a wish as simple as that. However, we have to settle on another condition as we do not plan to dismiss her from her post. Her presence is important in our regiment."

"Mr. Murdoch," you started, quite darkly. "I really appreciate you taking lengths for my welfare, but I don't have any plans of leaving this regiment."

And I better be, unless you and this man beside me wish to die early.

"But you should know better now, don't you think? I'm heavily aware of the circumstances Survey Corps are facing right now. I understand, Erwin, it would be a pity to drop a soldier as skilled as her. You don't have enough people to begin with after all! Just think of her as collateral. If you give her to me, I won't hesitate to sponsor you as long as she stays under my command. Trust me, I'm a very valuable partner and you need to take this proposition seriously."

You both stayed silent for a while, with Erwin staring flatly at the man. Sensing your reluctance, the old man continued.

"I just want her to be safe, okay? She lost her brother already. Both of them didn't have a good life in the first place. I took them in out of pity, but due to circumstances, they slipped away from my hands. I want to make it up to her, at least, in her brother's stead. That's why I want to have her under my wing. She's like a daughter to me."

You almost felt like throwing up at the remark, especially the daughter part.

Very, very vile. He should not be allowed to stay in this world.

Erwin turned to you to silently convey a signal; you're free to be as foul as you can be if that's what's needed to get the job done.

It didn't take long until a wry sneer laced your face, "Mr. Murdoch, we both know that you're not keeping me under your wing for my safety."

He sensed you won't be hesitating if this talk continues, so he turned to Erwin. "Now, could you leave us alone, please?"

"I'm sorry sir, but I am staying here," Erwin remarked, then faced you as he feigned ignorance. "My good subordinate, what do you mean by that?"

"I'm glad you finally asked," you gritted your teeth, "This man–"

"Enough!" The old man banged the table. "I changed my mind. I thought this shabby place would at least have enough brains to not turn down such a good offer." He stood up and fixed his tie along with his composure. "Find someone who would be willing to waste money on you."

He was about to walk outside but halted when chuckles escaped your lips, mind consumed with the decades worth of darkness you kept hidden. "I locked the door from the outside, Sir. After years of not meeting me, it seems like you've gotten too confident, don't you think? The soldier you brought with you is someone I know as well, and he certainly knew better than going against me," you remarked, still full of smiles. "Now, if you understand what you're facing right now, please go back to your seat."

He fumed, very much so; this expression was something very familiar to you. He then turned to Erwin who stayed unmoved all throughout.

Upon realization of his predicament and the fact that he brought himself thinking you’re still as dumb as a kid, he laughed snarkily. "So this is the true colors of the Scout Regiment, huh? I should've known better. You were able to bring down Lobov, after all. Ah, I underestimated you, really." Erwin still didn't respond, just mercilessly towering over the man above him only with his dark stare.

"But, well," he walked towards, "what would this lady offer in her weapon, huh? Speak up, my sweet cupcake." You flinched at the familiar nickname and you had to clench on the table to keep yourself from throwing up or bursting. You remembered your brother telling you how you didn't bat an eye after being cornered by sick men like this one. It wasn't true at all. Remembering any of this, or getting yourself in such a situation, makes you want to bang your head open or lose all the sanity left in you so you could kill them in cold blood. "Pray tell, sweetie, what do you have under your sleeve?"

Before he could hold your shoulders, Erwin gripped his wrinkled arm. "I implore you to settle your hands to yourself and not defile any of your dirt on my subordinate, Sir." He flatly remarked, sheer authority lacing his tone; a voice deep enough to make anyone cower.

You felt the old man tremble as well, and he huffed in annoyance as he swatted his arms back. "What did you say? Dirtying her? Don't you know she's way–"

"Sit down," you scowled.

"You think you're mighty enough to be disrespectful to me? See what it gets you the time I leave this room. You can't trap me down here."

"I also want you to see what it gets you if you don't sit the fuck down," you released a ragged breath, "the time you dropped us to the ground after our parents got convicted, what circumstances brought you to that decision? It wasn't because we were not of any use or because we're children of convicted criminals. It’s because I was about to tell your wife about–"

"Fine! I'll sit down!" he exclaimed.

You can feel Erwin watching your every move and was subtly taken aback at that revelation. He cleared his throat first then spoke, "When I overheard the conversation at the gather, I was already repulsed by your taste despite your age. I didn't know you did such an abhorrent act, too, more so way back to her childhood.

"The noblemen are right. No one in the right mind would stay sane after charging outside the walls," he hissed in disbelief, "so, what are you planning to do about it, huh? Gonna turn me in? I'm sure you know better than that. If the law could really reach me then I'll be long gone now."

"But tell me, good sir, does Nile or Zackly know about this?"

As if it was a bullet, the man finally shut up. You can see the blood on his face drain. He really is dumb, you thought. The time Erwin stared at him emptily, he should've realized what was up.

"If my subordinate files a case directly to the people I've mentioned, it's over for you. Nile wouldn't sit still when a young soldier is being targeted by a wrinkled general. Regarding Zackly, I know you had something with each other, he's surely just waiting for a chance to put you down," Erwin then slid the document he was holding to the trembling man. "You know it, right?"

He really knew it because he gripped the document and scanned it with trembling hands. Contrary to his remark earlier, he seemed very drawn to the proposal at hand now—not that he had any other choice, though.

"So, I would like to continue my talk about the goal of the upcoming expedition. Would that be fine?" Erwin was back on his diplomatic tone.

The talk ended quickly; you were able to discuss everything regarding the logistics. He ended up sponsoring the rest of the money needed for the whole expedition in exchange for your silence. Erwin firmly, or perhaps sarcastically, promised the man that the Survey Corps will not waste the generosity he offered. It ended in a good light for the Survey Corps, while the old bastard stomped back on his carriage, completely devoid of gleam.

"So, how was that? It went well, right?" Hange wrapped her arms around your neck as the three of you walked back to Erwin's office.

Erwin gave them a small nod, "Albeit desperate measures, at least now we don't have to worry about logistics. We could proceed to your science division proposal, too."

Hange shouted in celebration, "Told you, we got this gem of a soldier right here!"

"It wasn't because of me," you clarified tiredly. It really wasn't. This sly man just used your personal issues as a combat tactic.

"Well, since you came, the logistics team really soared in abundance. With you and Erwin combined, at least we could get relatively better resources than before." Hange engulfed you in a hug. "Gah, I'm very thrilled! Now the science subdivision will flourish the way I wanted to!"

Before entering the office, you asked, "Can we talk for a while, Erwin?"

"Sure thing. Hange, wait until we finish this one."

"Aw, come on. I keep on getting held back here!"

"I'll cook you your favorite food," you deadpanned.

Hange squealed, "Talk as long as you want, then! Until morning, even!"

You shut the door quite loudly. Silence enveloped the room until you sighed and turned to him. You were fuming, and he knew what this talk would be about.

"I can't believe you would stoop as low as that," You muttered.

"Spare me your personal sentiments for now. The thing Hange will be consulting is something really important."

"You're heavily aware of what you did and there’s no way you’re deserving of any spare from me tonight. Weaponizing even my horrendous experiences so we could get the things we need to have, let alone not informing me of such an important matter ahead of time."

Erwin heaved a sigh, sat down, and massaged his temples for a while, "I didn't know there was a deeper issue at hand aside from his interest for you. I would've completely drawn back from that plan had I known. Still, that doesn't excuse my imprudent behavior. I sincerely apologize–" He stopped in his tracks when you abruptly released a hard sob.

You weren't able to hide the anguish anymore. You usually cry hard whenever something like this happens, albeit not with someone. But then again, it's not like you can control it any further. It's true that you were somehow desensitised on that matter because that bastard wasn't the only man who did something like that to you, but it was much harder to bear because he was the first one who did, and you kept it to yourself for decades.

"When he kicked us out upon knowing my plans to tell his wife, I just know I don't ever want to see him again," you choked on your tears. "The only thing that stopped me was my brother, but now that he's gone—because of you, let me remind—just how do you think I'll be able to manage that? Should I be condemned again for being mentally weak, Erwin?"

Despite awareness of the veracity of his actions, he never thought you’d respond this way, "No. No one would ever dare take that against you. I sincerely apolo–"

"Then, should I celebrate? We got what we wanted. We have the funds and enough logistical support. Heck, I even think he would be more than willing to support us more if we flashed the same blackmail."

You tried to glance at him but the look on his face made you turn away quickly. He looked really regretful; that expression alone left a bitter taste in your mouth. Whatever he feels right now wouldn't be of any use to compensate for the damages he incurred. He might feel remorseful for a long time but that will never be enough, and the worst is that you won't be able to make him pay for it, too. The only thing that could stop this man is when he gets eaten by a titan, and that would be barely an act of revenge. Getting eaten is a natural occurrence rather than an action of getting what was truly deserved. It won't be revenge—not even consolation—and that's extremely dreadful to face. The pain stays without resolution.

It was a long while that he let you cry in silence as he knew he couldn't say anything to alleviate his imprudence. You looked him in the eye upon gaining your composure again, "What made me stay here was the fact that this regiment's mission is more worthwhile than that rotten place could ever be. Our mission surpasses everything humanity could embody. I thought it would be much more bearable because here, I'm not rotting away with my own resentment alone. I would rot away with conviction that I'm doing something right. My comrades do it perfectly after all. My brother did. But it's just too good to be true, isn't it?"

You have nothing more to say so you turned your back and opened the door.

Before twisting the knob, however, he called out your name, "I-I'm sorry. I know I won't be able to make up for what I did."

"Yeah, you won't. Don't tell me something I already know. Just keep on doing what you do while you're good at it. If your blatant exploitation with me persists, I'll get fed up soon, too—really fed up that I'd rather die. At least my corpse would be your stepping stone for your noble goals. It's not like I can do anything about it."

You opened the door wide and left it like that to gesture Hange.

"What happened to you?" They asked worriedly, not with the usual cheeriness anymore. When they realized you wouldn't be answering the question, they patted your shoulder before entering the room. You leaned at the door for a while, hence you heard a bit of the conversation.

"Hey, Erwin. What did you do? She's like that whenever she's with you." Hange prompted; Erwin didn't answer. "You just can't treat her like shit all the time, okay? She doesn't deserve your crankiness when she's that useful. You know you have to practice your social skills more, huh! You're Shadis' second liner after all. Your eloquence isn't enough–"

"Enough with that talk," Erwin cut them off with his voice, completely tired, "speak of your concern or leave."

"Ow, 'kay. Seems like everyone's grumpy today, huh." Hange pondered for a while then continued, "Anyway! About the science subdivision, what we need for the approval of Shadis are…"

Finally, your feet finally cooperated to step out of the area. You thought of spending the night with your brother, grimly anticipating the trembling freeze this night could give, too. That way you wouldn't be stuck feeling really empty.

Or if you’re lucky enough, you could die in the cold along the way.

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thank you for this, @temariskadi!

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baezdylan · 2 years

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Ok, more Panic! + Amy stuff, because I know a disappointing amount about this band, which I usually wouldn't wish on anyone but this is important:

In earlier 2007, the band were writing an album that would eventually be scrapped and they would go on to write Pretty. Odd instead. The album was called Cricket + Clover and Ryan Ross (the lead guitarist / main lyricist for this era) described it as a modern fairytale that took place in a "strange world" and "mixed reality" (can you see the connections yet).

As far as I know, it was supposed to tell the story of doomed lovers, one of whom falls in love at first sight, based around the concept of the 7 deadly sins (...Amy+11's fatal flaw is pride...). Ross said in a interview that it “would have been animated if it had been a movie." (Amy Pond Coraline Universe 👀) "It was set in a somewhat alternate world" (all those universes....) "and it did not contain human beings, more creatures of some sort. Maybe." (this bit should be obvious) "They were not based anywhere in particular, just somewhere. It was more of a fairytale.”

This also ties into She Had The World, because then-bassist, Jon Walker, said that She Had The World was the song that was the most reminiscent of Cricket and Clover on P.O.....an album about doomed lovers -> a song supposedly about a dreamer that falls for someone who is uninterested (or, if you read it like me, a song about a dreamer being misconstrued as falling for someone and responding to).....

Anyways, it was scrapped for a whole host of reasons and there's only 1 demo (the Nearly Witches demo, my dearly beloved, I fell from the heavens as a fetish blessed with an operatic skeleton, and as the stars watch me descend) and a picture of some lyrics left of it, but had it been released, it would've been THE Amy Pond album, 3yrs prior to her first on-screen appearance

(also I would maim someone to hear this album in full, genuinely makes me feel evil that it was never released)

Ok hear me out: what happened to Cricket + Clover is literally so Amy???? The fact that it was supposed to come out three years prior to her first appearance -> non-narrative, non-linear nature of Amy's entire arc and character that we talked about. A concept that existed at some point in time and space, but never got to see the light of day in a true sense, yet still managed to affect reality in an unexpected way (She Had The World, Nearly Witches demo, remaining lyrics) -> it's literally frozen timeline logic... (Amy: I can remember it, so it happened, so I did it.) IT'S AMY!!!!! POV: the crack in her wall took her parents AND this album from her.

#💌restless wind inside a letter box💌#amy pond unrelated media universe #p!atd #but also yeah... would do despicable things to hear it

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greenshi · 2 years

Text

I wanna talk about Cosmic Love.

I have many theories about her, most of which have little to no evidence but Do make me happy and I Do have to talk about them. So.

1. Color Parent (VERY MUCH DEBUNKED)

The inspiration for "Mother Knows Best." Not much to say, just Vibes (and also I've stopped thinking about it since. Yknow. Spectrum.)

2. Space Bee

Since her and Sting are girlfriends (iirc) I think CL should also get to be a cool space bee. The twist is that one of them is a royal, and the other had been sent to kill them before falling in love. The twist on the twist is that CS is the assassin cuz I think itd be cool.

3. (Hbomberguy voice) Secret Fourth Color Sibling

I mean, her name fits the C thing.

Shed be the guardian of space/void, and Idrk her secondary domain, but, as obvious as it may seem, I think itd be love (not romantic love, per se, but the love that gives a story life and characters stakes)

I have two versions of this one, Evil and Normal. Evil is the inspiration for "Nyctophobia" and I have nothing for good. I just think shed be a cool older sister there (even older than Cobalt)

4. Current Favorite

So. I think she should be Prisms counterpart. Not necessarily siblings, but definitely connected.

(This became like a whole HC about Spectrum and Prism too, so bare with me for a sec)

When the story first started, Spectrum revealed themself to two mortals. However, this was before they had any sentient beings to help them, so their light was....unfiltered. One girl had her eyes torn asunder by a comet shower, and the other became overwhelmed by the knowledge of the narrative through a double rainbow. Both were taken in by Spectrum, and made to be their link to the mortal world; one who served their children, and one who served them directly.

Cosmic is Spectrums caretaker, as Prism is to the Cods. She often speaks for them when they need to more directly confront someone (like Order) but otherwise she just spends time with them and helps them in their weakened state.

As Prism can control aspects of the narrative, Cosmic watches over all outside the narritive. As in, not just the non-canon, but the fanon, vague, unexplored and forgotten. While Prism is a linear story, Cosmic is all that had to be discarded to keep that story focused. And, while Prism holds contempt over the aspects of the story she cant control, Cosmic loves all of its uncertainties. Her domain shifts and changes every day, and what maybe be irrelevant one day may just become central the next. And while it's sad to see it leave her control, she loves the story the characters make, and is happy to see it grow and expand so organically.

Though, that doesn't make her an "ally" per se. Just as he allows things to leave her domain, she also let's things enter it, deeming people, places, and concepts to bo long be apart of their story. She will not save you from the cosmos, should they take you.

-anyway all this to say I really like characters with space/void motifs and I want cosmic to be relevant so so bad. Ik shes just a dramatic goth in canon but. Cmon. Let Her Be A Little Eldrich.

#cpu kerfuffle #cpuk #cosmic love #also im in love with her. there is also that

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awellreadmannequin · 8 months

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I’ve been designing and running D&D campaigns and worlds since I was thirteen and it only occurred to me TONIGHT (more than a decade later) that it would be easier to organize information in a free form web instead of a bullet point list.

Lately, the problem of railroading has been something of a preoccupation of mine. It is something that I find myself constantly designing around my own desire as a narrator to do. At the same time, I’ve been playing a lot of Genshin and Prey (2017), which deal with the idea of open ended play in different by interesting ways. Unlike video games, the boundaries of a table top game like D&D are really only the speed of your imagination and your improve skills. As much as I want to hope that my players will find the quest I’ve written for them compelling, they aren’t really obligated to do it or at least do it in the ways I’d predicted they would. Thus, when designing campaigns and worlds, I have to balance preparing for my players to completely derail things with preparing a compelling narrative with cohesive themes, robust characters, and naturalistic conflict (values I personally prize in a TTRPG, but are not necessarily universal). For years, I’ve written out adventures and worlds in long bullet point lists that mirror my style of note taking during lectures. This process has never been particularly satisfying, but I’ve never really figured out why or considered any alternatives. Okay, that’s not completely true. I have on more than one occasion tried to use Microsoft OneNote, only to bounce off of its completely unintuitive UX every single time.

Tonight, in rewatching a completely unrelated video by a creator I like, I remembered her talking about her writing process for videos. In a stream highlight one time, she brought up a web she used to categorize and annotate her research. The memory hit me like a freight train. The limitations of my bullet point list method seemed immediately apparent. No matter how open ended and non-linear I wanted the gameplay of my games to be, my thinking was ultimately limited by the structure in which it was expressed. By approaching things with a web, I can logically map out the relationships between pieces of information, characters, and places in a more organic way. In turn, this will allow me to better account for the decisions of players because the each idea, character, and area can be approached on its own terms.

For instance, imagine I’m expecting my players to:

Reach a city

Find an inn

Meet a key NPC

Encounter a conflict

Help the NPC resolve the conflict

in that order. This is, to me, the most narratively satisfying way for this adventure to proceed. In the old method, I would basically take that bullet list and add sub-points detailing important things about each event. However, I can instead structure this adventure as a web, like so:

(I downloaded actual mind mapping software, this is just a quick sketch to get my point across)

Structuring it this way makes it easier to see how relevant information is interconnected. This means that if my players decide to forgo the inn, I know how events and characters are related such that the game can continue without much disruption. By embracing this method of writing adventures/worlds, I can bring my writing process more inline with the design philosophy I want to pursue. To explain, let’s talk about Prey (2017) for a minute.

Prey (2017) draws heavy inspiration from immersive sims, a genre of primarily first person games that aim to provide maximal mechanical and often narrative expression to the player. In Prey (spoilers, I guess, for Prey (2017), a game no one has cared about since 2017), the player navigates a space station that’s recently become infested with shapeshifting alien organisms. Early on, you can find computer terminals that list every single person on the space station, their whereabouts, and whether or not they’re alive. While exploring the power station, I opened one of these terminals and discovered that the chief engineer was still alive. Delving deeper into the power station was a risky proposition. I was already pretty low on ammunition and health restoring items because my plan had been to get in, figure out if I could restore power to the water treatment facilities, and then get out. Rescuing the engineer would probably further strain my limited resources. Considering the state of things, leaving her to die would probably have been the better option, especially considering my plan to destroy the space station altogether. However, my desire to be a good person (and meet the hot Russian engineer lady) won out and decided to rescue her. When I finally found her, I discovered that, unbeknownst to the player character in the present due to amnesia, the player character had previously helped her hide a disability that would have rendered her ineligible to work on the station because she could be rendered immobile if unable to take her medication due to, say, a hostile take over by aliens. Indeed, I found her sitting on the floor of a secure room, completely unable to move. This started a timer, which measured how long I had to get the medication from her office. The office had been sealed off due to a hull breach, which meant braving a space walk and, of course, running into an extremely powerful alien. Having further depleted my resources and health (which I could no longer recover), I returned and administered the medication. With her life saved, I dropped a pistol and the last three bullets I had on me (this wasn’t a mechanical interaction, I just felt bad leaving her unarmed). Eventually, I was notified that she’d arrived at my office (a kind of safe zone. kind of) and that she had some stuff for me, including a comment eluding to her not minding that the female player character (ostensibly her boss) had checked her out (a nice bonus considering a not insignificant portion of my, the player’s, motivation for saving her was ‘hot Russian engineer lady’).

This anecdote is illustrative of the kind of open ended gameplay I want to make available to my players. Depending on the kind of player, this interaction could have gone several other ways:

The player could simply ignore the engineer and the power station, deeming both to be a waste of resources

The player could find the engineer, realize that saving her was too resource intensive, and then plunder the power station before leaving

The player could find the engineer, kill her, and take whatever items were in her possessions

All of these are both valid mechanical interactions as well as actions that are equally sensible given the narrative context of the game. The player character is in a desperate situation, which forces them to make unsavoury choices. Having now saved the engineer, I can confidently say I am presently materially worse off because of all the resources I lost. However, the experience was narratively satisfying AND thematically satisfying as I now have to deal with the reality that doing a good thing has left me in an even more desperate situation than before. Like seriously, I have no ammunition left for any of my guns and no resources to craft more. My wrench arm is gonna get a real workout.

Going back to D&D/TTRPGs, I want to design interactions like this when writing my own adventures/worlds. My previous method of writing de-incentivized this because adding the necessary subheadings would make the document unmanageably long. However, using a mind-mapping software (with collapsable trees) makes adding these sorts of organic interactions to the environment is relatively easy and doesn’t disrupt the experience of actually running the game. The flip side of this is that this will only fuel my bad habit of creating more detailed NPCs than necessary… Anyway, with this new tool empowering this new design philosophy, I can’t wait to create even more vibrant, naturalistic adventures/worlds for my friends to absolutely ruin <3

#claire thoughts

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