#like talking to myself almost haha. my inner thought process. and how I sometimes feel like I have two different halves to my personality.

[jojo-schmo]

More Schmojo!! And I decided to name her dark matter friend living in her bubble rod, “Beauregard.” >:3

Plus some doodles I thought of during work, and a lighthearted poke at myself lol.

#like the adhd I have irl they are not evil or broken. just something that coexists alongside me. #I can yell and scream at it to go away and get frustrated at its existence #or I can learn to understand and cooperate with it so we can draw strength from each other #…..or something. hahaha they’re not true personifications of my diagnosis or anything but it’s just something I consider #like talking to myself almost haha. my inner thought process. and how I sometimes feel like I have two different halves to my personality. #not like I’m two faced tho! #like…. I experience opposite extremes of emotions sometimes #-twirls hair- can’t help being a Gemini!! #ANYWAY here’s more directors commentary for you #again they are not personifications of my diagnosis. I will throw both versions of my sona aro #*around my head like jumping beans teehee #kirbysona #art #Kirby series

[kroerms]

Lifeline

Oneshot || pairing: kenma x reader (gender neutral, but I tried to stay clear of any pronouns)|| genre: angstisch, hurt/comfort ||

warnings: depiction of depression/ symptoms of a depression || if I forgot to mention something, please feel free to tell me...

a/n: sooo, this is my very first fanfic since like 2013, please be gentle with me haha

y/n: “I’m sorry, but I can’t make it to our date today…”

Kenma: “What do you mean you can’t make it? We planned this for over a week and are supposed to meet up in an hour...I’m already out of my house…”

y/n: “I’m really sorry, I just can’t.”

You sighed, tossed your phone next to you on the bed and pressed the pillow closer to your chest.

You couldn’t really pinpoint what triggered all these negative feelings. But your whole life there have always been these days where you felt completely drained of energy and the negativity of your own mind played tricks on you. You had always called it your “social battery” being empty. But in reality, it was more than just that. It was more than just not wanting to see your friends or family. It was a consuming tiredness paired with negative thoughts and sadness rooted deep within your very heart. Days like these would come and go, you learned that over the years, which is why you preferred to be alone on those days because you didn’t want to burden anyone with your pointless feelings. Sure, sometimes those feelings would almost consume you completely and would persist for weeks, but you always managed to handle them one way or another. You knew this all too well, you had had to deal with this part of yourself since your early teens after all and now that you were 28 it just didn’t seem like you were ever to grow out of it like your parents used to say you would. It wasn’t their fault though, since you never really talked about what it felt like to anyone after your so called friends seemed to dismiss it as just you being lazy and so your parents thought your tendency to hang in your room and lay in bed all day was just due to hormones. And you always felt like no one would believe you anyways and you weren’t prepared for all the follow up questions that would drain the last bit of energy you had, and so you stopped explaining yourself altogether.

You’ve known Kenma for a while now. The two of you started to form a friendship after you accidentally took his coffee order from the barista because he had ordered your usual. And with your head always being in the clouds you had just heard “vanilla latte” and without waiting for your name to follow the order you’d taken the beverage.

“Uhm, excuse me but I think this is supposed to be mine - well unless your name is Kenma as well, but I highly doubt that”, a monotone voice next to you spoke. Your gaze shifted from the to-go-cup in your hand to the man beside you. The faux blonde with the dark roots and the almost bored facial expression stood next to the take-out section of the coffeeshop, switch in one hand and the other in the pocket of his red tracksuit.

“Oh, I’m very sorry, I must have zoned out again. I sometimes get stressed in overly crowded places and tend to lose myself in my thoughts to calm down aaaand I just overshared, didn’t I?” You bowed slightly and handed the man in front of you his drink just as the barista called out your name with a “vanilla latte” attached to it. You quickly turned around to take the coffee so that Kenma wouldn’t notice the slight blush that spread over your cheeks from the embarrassment.

“y/n’s a pretty name, suits you.”, Kenma said, flashing a slight blush of his own as the words left his lips. “Well thank you...Kenma was it?”. The faux blonde nodded slightly. An awkward silence infolded the two of you. Just as you wanted to excuse yourself so that you could finally leave this utterly embarrassing situation, Kenma spoke up again: “well if you want to make it up to me for almost stealing my drink, I’d really appreciate a piece of apple pie from the bakery down the road. If that’s not too crowded for you.”

After that encounter, the two of you quickly grew closer and developed a bond to one another. Just like you, Kenma enjoyed lazy days at home gaming or watching movies together more than going out on adventures. So the two of you would often hang out at his house playing Mario Kart together or you’d watch movies on your projektor at yours. Sure, occasionally the two of you would go out to get something to eat or to watch his friends at a volleyball game, but these outings were rare. And it was because of those cozy little hangouts that you never once had to cancel plans with him, thus not once did you have to explain to him why you didn’t have the energy to go out and do stuff….well at least until today.

The familiar wave of guilt washed over you for not telling him why you had to cancel on such short notice. But you really didn’t have the energy to explain that your inner demons had taken control over your body and mind today. You were already feeling exhausted because work had been hell the last couple of weeks and it didn’t help that seemingly everyone in your family needed something from you which resulted in you spending your off-time after work either at your fathers house or your mothers. This left little to no you-time to relax and recharge yourself.

It was now near lunchtime on your well deserved day off and Kenma and you had plans to check out the new cat café that opened up just a few blocks from your home. But you hadn’t even made it out of bed, let alone under the shower yet. The comfort of the warm blankets was just too good. The mere thought of leaving this safe haven stressed you out and you had to hold yourself back from crying. You felt so overwhelmed with the world today that you couldn’t entertain the thought of participating in anything right now. All you wanted - no - needed to do was sleep until that heavy feeling on your chest would lift off and let you breathe again.

Just as you were dozing off, you heard your doorbell ring. You didn’t expect a package or anything today, so you didn’t exactly know who would want something from you right now.

Wrapped in your pink aristocats pijama and your very wild bedhead you padded to your door. What you didn’t expect while looking through your peephole was Kenma, standing in front of your apartment, arms full of paper bags.

“Open up, these are heavy you know! I know you’re standing behind the door.”

You took a deep breath before opening the door to let Kenma in. He immediately made his way to the kitchen, where he placed all the bags on the countertop before looking at you.

His gaze was intense. With what seemed like worry in his eyes, he scanned over your tired form.

“What’s wrong y/n?”, he asked.

“Nothing, I’m just tired, didn’t sleep enough last night I guess, but it’ll be better by tomorrow, so you really don’t have to worry about little old me”, you meekly said in an attempt to lighten the mood. You tried giving him the most reassuring smile you could manage, but it didn’t reach your eyes. You knew he noticed by the way his gaze softened. In one swift motion Kenma pulled you into his chest and cradled your head with one hand, while the other found its way around your waist, pulling you closer into him in the process. This took you by surprise, since Kenma and you didn’t really hug a lot.

“Tell me what’s really wrong y/n. I can clearly tell that you are not okay. You are a measly liar”, he whispered into your hair. Damn him and his observation skills, you thought. Well, this is it, you couldn’t hide that part of yourself from him any longer. You were scared to open up to him about that part of yourself, the fear of losing him because he didn’t want to deal with someone as broken as you are was immense.

“y/n?” Kenma spoke up again. You must’ve lost yourself in thought again, you didn’t even notice the tears that slipped past your eyelids and were making their way down your cheeks, before coming to a halt at your chin.

“I’m s-sorry, I - I don’t want to w-worry you… I just, I feel so tired and I f-feel like my battery is completely e-empty. I don’t feel like I c-can handle anyone, including m-myself right now. I j-just want everything to s-stop. I am exhausted, I feel like I a-am drowning within m-myself and t-there seems to b-be no lifeline”, you sniffled into Kenma’s chest. His hold on you tightened at that. He knew you got overwhelmed in crowds sometimes and that you preferred quiet, lazy meet-ups at home over going out. It was one of the reasons why he liked you so much, you didn’t expect him to be outgoing and you always accepted him for the person he was. He knew you were someone who liked their personal time and that the world, especially the people living in it would overwhelm you sometimes, but he had never seen you like this. Small, so fragile, almost as if you crumbled within yourself. As if the slightest blow of wind could knock you over and break you.

“Do you want me to leave? I brought food from that new café. I can just leave it here and go, if you need time to yourself…” Kenma said.

You were torn. On one hand, you really didn’t have the energy to entertain someone right now. But Kenma felt so warm and his embrace made you feel secure. As if the world couldn’t get to you as long as he held you like this. So you tightened your hold on him and shook your head lightly.

A small smile appeared on Kenma’s face.

“Alright, how about you go lay down on the couch then, while I unpack the food and we watch some cheesy movie together?”

The thought of leaving Kenma’s arms didn’t please you at all but you obliged and went to your couch in the open living room. You watched as Kenma started unpacking of cake slices, sandwiches and chocolates out of the bags. He even brought avocado-onigiri. Your favorite. After he displayed everything on plates he came over to put the food and two lemonades on the coffee table. He sat down next to you and turned on your TV. He started your favorite rom-com before he pulled you close to him again so that your head was resting on his chest. As the movie went on, he started to stroke your hair with his hand, while the other was on top of your arm that was draped over his torso. This was still very unfamiliar to you, but it felt nice.

“You know, you never have to hide your feelings from me. Not even the negative ones. I know I sometimes seem a little distant and I am not very open about my own feelings either but you mean a great deal to me and I’m always gonna be here for you. Even when you feel like drowning, I’ll always be a lifeline for you to hold on to. And I know I can’t fix everything, but I’ll try my best to help you with fixing what needs to be fixed.” he whispered softly. You closed your eyes, new tears forming in them making your eyelids heavy. Even if all those inner demons were loud within you, Kenma’s voice and reassuring words slowly drowned them out and you finally felt a bit of the weight on your chest getting lighter. You knew you had to work on these things and you would need more than just Kenma, you’d need professional help to cope with all of this, but with Kenma by your side like this, you felt like anything was possible. Before you dozed off in Kenma’s embrace you whispered back: “thank you so much for being here”.

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu x reader #kenma x reader #hq x y/n #hq x reader #haikyuu x y/n #kenma x you #kenma x y/n #kenma kozume #kenma x gender neutral reader #kenma kozume x y/n #haikyuu #haikyuu oneshot #kenma #kenma hurt/comfort #kenma angst #haikyuu hurt/comfort #haikyuu angst

[yellowocaballero]

ok so I know you said you weren’t gonna explain daisy and then you did, and I want u to know I love when you explain your stories, almost as much as the stories themselves. I both envy and admire the way you think about characters and the way you build your stories and put all these elements together. bc this was a silly story and I laughed almost the whole way through, but there were moments with genuine meaning (ok gertude and jon conversation and about being a very nice boy and all that really got me bc like when am I not having feeling about jon lmao). So then I have Many Feelings about this silly story that are both heartfelt and just pure amusement and I go to you tumblr and then you talk about this story in a way that just makes me love it more. I think it’s bc you write stories where the pov is generally from only one character and when I read the story it’s like I can tell the other characters are having thoughts and feelings deep enough as the pov character, but for the most part, these rich inner lives or just lives separate from the pov character can’t really be perceived. Like it’s all there, but bc we are only seeing it from one characters pov, then there are things we aren’t going to see. And that’s really cool bc like, your characters are real enough that even tho things aren’t outright stated, I can tell there is so much happening “behind the scenes” so to say. It’s neat bc to read what your processes that went into writing a story is satisfying bc it’s like, ok here is what’s happening without the unreliable narrator. Idk as someone who is perpetually confused on why people do what they do (even myself sometimes lol), I like coming here where you explain things so well. Idk this is getting too long so just gonna say that I just really like what you do haha

;_______; Thank you so much. I’m always stressing out that I talk too much and go on too long about stuff nobody cares about lol. I’m also always pretending that I’ve thought stuff out or that I know exactly what I’m doing when I really don’t. I do objectively talk quite a bit about stuff here, but in my defense almost nobody irl knows that I write, at all. They think I don’t have hobbies. 

I’m glad it heightens the experience, though, I didn’t think about it that way. Rise of Skywalker Rule: people shouldn’t need to hear your word of god to understand what’s going on. But I really do hate writing multiple POVs (I only do it when it’s absolutely necessary) for a lot of reasons, but definitely it means that a lot of the behind the scenes character work you do goes unseen. But...even if you don’t see it, you know when it’s not there. A lot of technique in art is like that - invisible unless it’s bad lol. Take Daisy in TCF - it is blindingly evident that I did not really know what was really going on with her until much later in the story. My #1 frustration with that fic - just because Daisy will never tell Jon what’s going on, that’s not an excuse for me not knowing. 

But I do think a lot of a story is a supporting cast. I really sincerely hate it when a story is winnowed down to Main Character and Love Interest, and everybody else is a flat prop for that. I was reading a super fabulous Stucky fanfic the other day that was gorgeously written, but...none of the supporting characters had conversations with Steve that weren’t about Bucky. It was like some kind of terrifying Lotus Eater Machine hellscape. Imagine if nobody around you had rich inner lives, that they didn’t have their own rationales for what they did, that they had lives outside of you - that literally their only role in your life was to get you together with your boyfriend. Disturbing. (This was another parodied thing in Sucker’s Bet) A lot of Jonmartin fics are guilty of this too, frequently even worse. 

So, it’s kind of this dual thing for me - I have to know 10 things about a character and only 1 of those things will appear in the story. This is why I spent so long going on about how I know character’s religions lol. And even if you don’t know these things, it’s obvious when it’s not there. My stuff gets bloated because I insist on giving every major character a character arc and it is terrible of me (Solitaire was a hellscape). Even in the joke arson story - Jon, Sasha, and Tim all needed their individual character arcs, and even though Gerry and Daisy were more plot based characters you still got a strong sense of their lives. 

But the flipside is that as I’ve mentioned I don’t do OCs and I just adjust everyone based on the needs of the story.  Character is fluid and flexible for me so rarely anything is set in stone. I’m always spinning a ton of plates. I think when you know too much about your character and their background you end up stubbornly forcing a square peg into a round hole sometimes. For all I’ve talked about knowing characters - sincerely please don’t think about it too hard it’s useless. I don’t get too attached to any one characterization. Most of the time, the characterization in the story organically grows as the story develops. Some of the time I only really get a character as I write the final scene, then I have to go back and rewrite a bunch. There is a tremendous amount of characters who only really clicked for me as I wrote a final climactic scene (HR!Jon, TCF!Daisy and Web!Jon but specifically in Evilcon are the worst offenders, but also TCF!Annabelle, BBC!Gerry, SC!Daisy...). 

Anyway if you want the reason why I write so many side stories it’s because I finish a story and I just GOTTA tell you EVERYTHING I know about Agnes and Gerry or whatever (how did they meet? Jon will never know!). Legitimately for anyone who’s read Solitaire I highly recommend the Tim side story because Melanie is probably the most unreliable narrator I’ve ever written and there is this entire fucking storm of shit going under the surface of that Tim. Just because he got so complicated. I’ve been churning out a shitton of HR!Jon stories just to fucking try and get the character to click for me. It just goes on and on. As usual I’m both putting too much thought and not enough thought into things - the only way I really hammer out these things is by writing just an insane quantity of words, which is not the most. efficent way.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m hindering myself by not writing multiple POVs but also fuck that. Thank you for the super sweet ask I loved it!

#my writing #me crying over being validated for my insanely long posts: #yeah honestly the best POV characters are the ones like Melanie and Jon who are just so oblivious to everything #yes if I write a martin story I can have him notice things #but where's the fun in that #Melanie is the single most influential person in her universe and she has no idea #she has an archive defense squad and she has no idea #every time she talks daisy is standing behind her flashing her gun and she has no idea #tim and sasha individually swear loyalty to her WHILE SHE'S BULLYING THEM and she has n oidea #solitaire was so traumatic it burned out all desire to write side space cadet stories but #haha unless?

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

#silly things from silly friends

[a-silent-symphony]

Interview with vocalist and bassist Marko Hietala

GOING SOLO

Luxi: When did you get the idea to make a solo album some day? I bet this has been bubbling in your mind for many years, correct?

Marko: Yes, that's true. I have always had countless ideas for songs that I have come up with over the years. Some of them have gone missing or may have been modified over time.

When Nightwish decided to take a break from everything, it gave me the chance to start working with these ideas. I called Tuomas (Wäinölä, guitar) and Vili (Ollila, keyboards) well before the break and told them about my ideas for a solo project. They were interested and here we are now. I have known the guys for more than 10 years, I would say. They have a background in Rock bands and they have an open mind and open ears for music in general, so working with these lads was a no-brainer. I had a bunch of stuff already written; choruses, rhythmic parts and stuff, but I must give a lot of credit to my band mates for shaping them in to the vision I had been thinking of for this album. They gave their own input on certain soundscapes and brought in diverse things. Honestly, they were a huge help getting this album completed in the way I envisioned. Without them, this album would not have turned out as great as it did.

Luxi: Were these guys your primary choices or did you have a list of musicians that you wanted to go through to see who was available?

Marko: I had been thinking of a small bunch of musicians that I'd like to do a solo album with, but these fellows were always at the top of my wish list so to speak. Also, when Tuomas suggested that we hire Anssi (Nykänen) behind the drum kit, knowing he's a big fan of John Bonham, I was sold. This band needed a pair of heavy hands behind the battery and he was in in no time.

Kai Hahto (Nightwish, Wintersun, etc.) was originally interested in doing this project with us as well, but he had his house project going on at the same time and unfortunately he also hurt  both his wrist and back a little bit, preventing him from playing drums for a little while.

ARD PROG?

Luxi: Yes, I remember him telling me about this episode at a festival where we met. For people who have been following your doings with both Tarot and Nightwish, this solo album may surprise them a bit if they are expecting it to copy any of your previous works. While I listened to Pyre of the Black Heart, I found a wide range of influences on the album, from more progressive moments to softer ballads to more rocking numbers and so on.

Marko: Yes, there are quite a lot of things going on in these songs, but I would say perhaps Progressive Rock is the genre that's closest way to describe it due to different style and sound combinations. However, what we tried to avoid like the plague was making the songs sound too artsy-fartsy or too calculated just to get a "progressive" tag hung on our songs. For us it was very important to have catchy choruses and melodies in these songs and some people may even think, "Hey, this is an almost dancable stuff..." [*laughter*]

Luxi: Unlike Rush or Pink Floyd that may demand some unorthodox choreography from a dancer's legs, I am afraid...

Marko: Haha... Every bassist should be well aware of what some bottom end bass tones can do for people's hips... ;o) [*laughter*]

Luxi: If we sink into the lyrical world of this album, how much does it reflect your own inner feelings and thoughts?

Marko: There are quite a lot of personal things on both solo albums, the Finnish (titled Mustan Sydämen Rovio) as well as the English version. As it's said, truth shall set you free. If you can carefully read the symbolism that's been used on both versions of the album, I am sure listeners can catch some of the thoughts and feelings that I have bled into the lyrics. Nowadays we are kind of living life on the edge, without thinking about how we should balance our life between staring at our cell phones and the REAL life that's outside of it. Rudely said, we tend to stare at all these simulations of life through our cell phones more than living this life that's surrounding us, which is just sad in so many ways. Technology is a great thing and I love sciences, but we humans should embrace the real side of life as well and not just live life surfing in the wonderful world of social media.

Luxi: Being more humane, without letting technology's wonders enslave us too much, is the key for living...

Marko: Yes, that's right. We should remember we have this planet which is still full of all kinds of beautiful wonders.

COMING OUT FROM THE PROTECTIVE SHELL—OR STAYING THERE?

Luxi: As solo works can be really personal, do you believe you have a sort of inner mechanism that doesn't let you bring out all of your deepest feelings and thoughts out, naked and unfiltered?

Marko: Hmmm... That's a tough question. If a listener gets that kind of feeling solely based on some lyrical content on the album that I would hold myself back lyric-wise, then it must be subliminal for me. I mean, if there are some topics out there that I want to include in my lyrics, that also kind of challenge me in one way or another, then I want to see if I can take on this challenge and overcome it.

One of the challenges for me has always been how to be as open and be honest and truthful about the way I want to express myself. If there's something there that makes me cautious, then I am doing some careful research on why those things make me a bit cautious. And if there's nothing I should be worried about, then I just go with it and express my thoughts very openly. It's as simple as that. For example, that's what happened with the song "Voice of My Father", in which I openly talk about the things we, as this prevailing generation of people, leave for future generations, both good and in bad.

Luxi: But sometimes, if you dig too much, you can actually be pretty vulnerable and feel even threatened if you are too straight about things via your lyrics, right?

Marko: Yes, that's all true, of course. This is also something I have thought myself, that if I am too open about things I may sing, who would like to harm me or act intimidating toward me due to my lyrics, am I perhaps digging my own grave by saying things a bit too straight? I would say to the latter; not really because I think it's more about protecting your personal being than anything else. Should I care if I said something corny or childish in my lyrics? Do people laugh at me if I said this or that? Should I be afraid of peoples' reactions if they attack me due to expressing myself in a cryptic way that might be (mis-)understood different ways? Hell no, I don't think I should be afraid of it at all. This is something I have gotten over.

Luxi: Besides that, we should remember that a certain level of cheesiness has always been a part of Metal music, in one way or the other?

Marko: Of course, it is. I have pondered this many times because many hit songs have this almost too-corny-to-be-good aspect that people tend to like. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much and many times there may be an absolutely brilliant idea behind a song that is watered down due to reaching this thin line when things simply don't work. But when you get to know your limits of when something is only corny but not overly corny, the result can be absolutely fantastic.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PERFORMING IN FINNISH VS. PERFORMING IN ENGLISH

Luxi: It's not so often that an artist makes a solo album in two different languages, like you did with this one. Was it something that you originally planned from the beginning or did this idea grow little by little? How you express yourself using the Finnish language for Finns obviously has a different approach compared to using English for them, I suppose?  

Marko: Yes, it is all true what you just said. There certainly is a difference when singing in Finnish for the Finns versus using another language for them. For me, it was relatively easy to do this solo album in two languages, keeping in mind my wife is non-Finnish, plus it's no-brainer for me to switch from Finnish to English either as I am using both languages constantly, almost half-and-half.

And yeah, like you mentioned, it's a plain fact that when I sing in Finnish for the Finns, I am sure they can assimilate my lyrics easier than English.

Anyway, the reason I eventually decided to record both the Finnish and English versions of the album is actually very simple; I had written lyrics both in Finnish and English. I simply could not make up my mind which language I should use so I made a compromise and released it both in Finnish and English. Besides that, it was fun to do this album in both languages. By singing in English, commonly known as the worldwide Rock 'n' Roll language, you can reach millions while singing in Finnish you can reach, if you will, one isolated northern tribe known as The Finns.

Luxi: Doing albums in different languages is not common so obviously there was a lot of work involved...?  

Marko: Yeah, it was quite a bit of work indeed, but it was all worth it. I mean, I was fascinated by the contrast between these two languages and how they both would work on the album. There were, of course, some challenges for me to translate from Finnish to English—and vice versa—to get the meaning right. Some translations were easy to do, but some took more time. I remember killing time travelling one spring and summer by plane, sitting for long hours and figuring out whether this or that lyric line would make sense and rhyme. In fact, I wrote a lot this way, both in English and Finnish. Some lyrics were pretty complicated and needed more work. Some for the English version of the album were completed just when we were about to begin the process of recording the English version at the end of last summer. I wanted to have Troy (Donockley, Nightwish) double-check some of my lyrics to be sure there wouldn't be any double meanings in my lyrics because they might sound odd or just hilarious if written in the wrong way.

THE IMPORTANCE OF FINDING LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE

Luxi: Were the other guys on the same page with your ideas right off the bat?

Marko: I was actually pretty surprised that they understood how I wanted this album to sound. Of course, there were a few longer discussions there when we had reached a crossroad where we didn't quite know which direction this or that song should take. We were working our asses off to make the songs sound right to each of us, really pushing hard in the direction we wanted them to go.

At the end of the day, it was worth all the hard work. Each of us in the band was happy with how the songs turned out, thinking they sound pretty darn unique and original.

Luxi: This may be a silly question, but which language version of the album is closer to you personally when thinking of all the musical nuances, colours, soundscapes, etc.?

Marko: Well, let me put it this way; for me, the closest songs, without exception, are the ones in the language I wrote them. On this record, I translated about six songs from Finnish to English and four were translated from English to Finnish. Then I have some raw material still left that is just waiting to be finished, probably 2021, who actually knows?

Luxi: Before you booked the studio time for these recordings, did you have the whole song palette completely ready or did you finish some songs in the studio?

Marko: No, no... We had all the songs demoed already, so we knew how the album would sound when we went to Sonic Pump Studios to record it. We used very organic methods to record the songs. You know, bass, drums, guitar and our keyboard player, Vili, had some demo versions already done for this session. We played the instruments as live takes that also gave a more authentic feeling to the songs. Out of all these takes we just put them together the way that everyone was happy with. For example, I played my bass all at once and Tuomas did the same with his rhythm guitar and that was it. Our main intention was to have the album sound as organic as possible; make it sound like a real live band effort instead of making it too clinical and stuff.

"THIS MELODY IS KICKING MY HEAD..."

Luxi: Promotion means everything in today's rough music business and making videos has become an integral part of it. How did you end up choosing the song "Stones" for the first video?

Marko: I had a vision for this song in my head well in advance because I think it has a pretty addictive chorus. From what I can remember, this song was born two years ago when I was still touring with Nightwish. I was singing and demoing parts of that song backstage. Then one day, when we were travelling by bus, our manager Ewo Pohjola, who had just woken up, walked in the bus looking sleepy and wearing only pants while humming a catchy melody line. At the same time, Tuomas (Holopainen) came in to get his morning coffee and said, "that melody has been in my head the entire night...and blame it on that guy!", while Ewo still kept on singing the same melody over and over again.

Anyway, this catchy melody line stuck in my head as well, and... here we are... ;o)

Luxi: Talking about playing live, this is your very first gig here in Lahti, Finland, for your solo band, sort of the premiere for your solo tour in Europe. Feeling nervous?

Marko: Perhaps just a little bit. I am hoping I don't fuck up my lyrics too much, haha!! The day after tomorrow I should be playing a gig in Hamburg, Germany, so let's hope everything goes smoothly on this tour, too.

Luxi: Have you received any information on how well your solo album has been received in Europe? Have you read any advance album reviews?

Marko: I am afraid to say that I really don't follow social media sites much. However, my wife and some of my friends have told me the album has gotten pretty nice reviews in the media already. I myself have googled some reviews and am glad it's got some very good ones, 8 out of 10, 9 out of 10 and the like, so that makes me honestly happy. It gives me a feeling my band mates and I did something right. I have been doing some interviews as well, phone interviews and stuff, and many have mentioned they did not expect as diverse and all-around good album, so I am grateful for all this positive feedback.

Luxi: When I read some of these reviews, almost every one of them states loud and clear that it's great to hear you use your whole vocal range and I fully agree that there truly is a lot of soul to your vocals.

Marko. Thank you. Naturally when you do a solo album, it's way easier to not hold your horses in this type of project, as say, singing in my main band Nightwish, in which there's always been this some sort of "the beauty and the beast" thing between Floor and me vocally.  

Luxi: What are your personal expectations from the crowds in Europe?

Marko: Hmm... hard to say because the type of stuff we do is pretty marginal after all. It's kind of hard to predict how many people will attend our gigs, so in that sense everything's still a bit of mystery to me. But as long as we can entertain people on this tour, then there's not much to complain about really, I guess. We know we have a diverse set, from some headbanging stuff to more atmospheric and emotionally moving stuff. We already tested the more atmospheric stuff last summer, just to see if we were able to hypnotize our target audience and damn, it worked. It all comes down to how it's performed, how convincing or entertaining you can be and so on. On our summer tour this year when we performed these songs in Finnish, it seemed to work well for people. Let's hope this English-sung material will go down with the audience nicely, too.

Luxi: Obviously this kind of stuff should draw very different people to your gigs, from the old school Uriah Heep/Deep Purple generation to younger Nightwish fans, and such.

Marko: Yes, that's what I was thinking, too. But you never know what's gonna happen. This reminds me, was it Tina Turner who made her first solo album at the age of 45, and became a world-famous star after that? I am 54, but it's only a wishful thinking that the same would happen for me as well with my solo career, haha!

OF MEET & GREET AND V.I.P.      

Luxi: What about these Meet & Greet sessions? Do you feel like they are necessary or do you see them more like a mandatory thing to do for the fans who want to get close to you, take some pics and autographs, and share even a few words with an artist and/or band members?

Marko: I have to say they have been more or less a neutral thing for me. I happen to know many musicians really do not care for them, but then this other part of them feels it's necessary to do them because it's a part of today's business so to speak.

For me, however, the coolest situations always tend to happen if you meet your fans simply by accident; on some random street or somewhere else but just by accident. I remember this type of meeting with a fan when I was in Brazil, spending time on a little island with my wife. We were on the beach and I had just come out of the water and then this guy appeared saying, "What's your name? Are you THAT Marko?!" Of course he wanted to remember this meeting by taking some pictures with me and telling me, "This is the best day of my life", and so on.

This is something that I love, making people happy this way, with just a little effort from my side.

Luxi: If I can ask, what's your opinion about the V.I.P. packages that include things like going to see soundchecks, special Meet & Greet sessions with band members and a chance to travel to some ranches of their idols, staying overnight there, plus having a breakfast/dinner/etc. with your target of worship?

Marko: Haha... Regarding Nightwish, this has always happened in a smaller scale for us really, but I believe in America we have done that kind of stuff probably more than anywhere else, having these smaller scale V.I.P. options available for them. Our fans mainly have wanted to pay for the opportunity just to meet us; to get a few shots taken with us and to share a few words with us naturally, too. But what's certain, we haven't arranged any special all-inclusive hotel weekends for our fans, or shit like that.

[*laughter*]

But I do understand that if the fans are dying to meet their favorite artists/musicians and are also willing to pay for this privilege, then why not. In some sense, a little bit exaggerated perhaps, these fans partly pay our tour buses with the money they have reserved for this V.I.P. option.

GOING SOLO—FUTURE PLANS

Luxi: Changing the subject, I am curious to know if there might be some continuum to your solo thing, if Nightwish takes a break from touring/recording again in the future? Do you have half-finished stuff that's waiting for the right time to get finished?

Marko: In fact, I do, and some good stuff that's just waiting for better days to get completed. I have a few good ideas that I'd like to finish someday. It's kind of amazing for me to think backwards that I have reached the point of having my first solo album done finally, after leaving all of my other commitments behind for a little while. After rehearsing and working with two bands for gigs and in the studio, making three videos, several photo shoots, gigs and more rehearsals—all kinds of different comings and goings, I found it nice to take a break of two months and clear my head and recharge my batteries under the Brazilian sunshine. After the break, I did the "Heavy X-mas" tour in Finland, which lasted two weeks but was still a relaxing and nice thing to do. I did not feel it demanded much from me; it was more like a gathering of old friends.

Anyway, this break did me some good because it got my creative juices flowing again. I am what I am. Obviously, I tend to have this some sort of inborn mechanism that seems to get my brain working; coming up with new lyrics and grabbing my guitar and start jamming.

Luxi: You are not the kind of person who wakes up in the middle of night with a cool idea or melody line somewhere in the back of your mind that simply needs to be saved right away?

Marko: Fortunately, this has not happened to me for a long time. I remember when I was younger, I may have woken up due to some band's song not leaving me alone in the middle of my sleep. By the next morning, I had no remembrance of it at all. My mind was totally blank when the morning came.

Luxi: Alright, I think that's all I had in mind for this interview... wait a sec. I have just one extra question for you if you don't mind. As you know, cover bands like Sapattivuosi that you also were a part of once (a Finnish band doing Black Sabbath music in Finnish) have always been popular projects over the years. I was wondering if you have heard this Russian Nightwish cover band called Nevski & The Prospects that seems to be a highly popular band up here in Finland. I mean, they have a gig coming up in Oulu, Finland, on April 10th—and surprisingly, it's a sold-out show...

Marko: Ah, yeah... I suppose I have heard of people talking about quite a few times before. Hmm... Some people are saying that their music may be the closest thing to Nightwish's own stuff, and claim they probably sound even more like Nightwish than Nightwish themselves... [*Marko has a very suspicious grin on his face*]

Luxi: Okay then, now that's interesting. Thank you, Marko, for your time and best of luck for your tonight's show here in Lahti.

Marko: Thank you.

#marko hietala #marko solo project #NW members side projects #2020 interviews

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Introducing me(us???)?

Ok no that's a terrible freaking title. We are not the jonas brothers.

Who's we? Haha honestly I'm not even sure anymore. This is a hard one to write because I literally don"t tell anyone about my "inner world" which is why I'm keeping my blog anonymous for now .

I guess I'm just a wierd human with a messed up brain that has no reason to be messed up. I'm in the process of figuring it all out .

Long story short "we" is me and my ... I'm not sure what to call them I used to think they were just imaginary freinds , but they have become something so much more real.

I remember being 5 years old and having imaginary freinds like any other child. I cant remember much but I'm pretty sure my home life was perfect. I have an amazing mum and dad and even had two grandparents at the time. I remember happiness and my cat who really wasnt a fan of me , but I adored her regardless , even if she did end up scratching the living hell out of me on many occasions. My main issue at the time was serious separation anxiety, I couldn't handle being away from my parents , it got better towards the end of the school year I think after a lot of spending most of the year screaming until my dad would pick me up. I found it hard making freinds as I was somewhat anti social and liked playing on my own often, but I found a freind in the end. I think we got on so well cause she was different too. Turned out she had Autism, something that I'll probably talk about a lot here. Anyway as I said back then was when I first remember having imaginary freinds , and constantly daydreaming . I used to watch my dad play video games a lot so a lot of my daydreams would be based off the video games . At the time It was perfectly fine. I was just a strange kid who had an over active imagination, zoned out a lot in school , and often enjoyed my own company, but couldn't understand why my peers didnt like the antisocial wierd kid. I remember getting teased as I have a harmless autoimmune skin condition that I developed aged 3 and I felt alienated for it . The serious bullying didnt start until later in primary school though .(I think age 11 or thereabouts, was when shit really hit the fan) Anyway the imaginary freinds were originally just that . Unfortunately things changed when my one freind from school left and moved across the country. I had no freinds so that's where I began to use my imaginary freinds to replace real people. By the time I was 13 I'd almost completely isolated myself , I didnt know how to interact with real people.

I eventually thought I'd got it all under control . I found a group of people that were all a bit wierd. Originally it was cool and I fit in okay.

When I went to sixth form college, stuff started to get weirder though. I'd been struggling throughout secondary school I'd spent a lot of time kind of going back into my alternate reality . Even at freinds parties I used to pretend that I was a different person in my alternate reality doing something with my inner world family. I mentioned it once or twice to someone at CAHMS (The british child mental health services) that I was seeing as I'd struggled a lot with anxiety and self harm , but I never wanted to be fully honest about it . I was embarrassed.

Aged 12 I remember "pretending" to be a character called Casey. At the time I was spending a lot of time pretending I was Kasey and I was making a talk show with my other imaginary freinds . Eventually another character called Paulie took Casey's place .

Paulie's whole existence is kinda embarrassing. They're a typical queer cringe OC That you know a 14 year old neurodivergent weirdo would make up. I kind of originally used them as a way to explore my special interests. And to understand things about the world . In many ways Paulie was kind of a reflection of myself and you know everything was fine . Paulie is a 5ft7 young non binary person . Born male but definitely presents more feminine. Some of the other details about them came from me incorporating things I'd learned from various medical documentaries and things I'd researched on the internet. (One of my special interests always was science , particularly biology, when I was young I wanted to be either a doctor or a vet or something like that. I dont know why I find it so fascinating. It's kind of my party trick - boring people with the details of a random medical condition that they absolutely did not ask for.) I'll go into full details at some point . I find it kind of embarrassing to talk about it all.

Anyway It used to be great we used to pretend to do makeup on our youtube channel that of course did not exist .(the deeper I get into this the more I want to delete my life) it became to the point where I was doing daily "vlogs" in the inner world as Paul , again just something I day dreamed about. It was getting beyond the limits of normal daydreaming.

At some point I came across a video about "Maladaptive daydreaming " for once in my life I didnt feel quite so alone. I couldn't believe that I wasnt the only one who did this! Ever since then I've toyed with the idea of opening up about it , maybe through some sort of blog or youtube video etc. However, I wasn't ready until now. I'm still not ready to be completely open with my freinds and family (the one person who even knows 1/3 of this stuff is my mum) which is why I'll remain anonymous for now .

In the last 2 years things have gotten increasingly more strange and confusing. When I was in sixth form college (british equivalent of high school) Paulie started to be kind of phased out of my daydreams. Then Eric showed up.

Again , it was just daydreaming that had gone a bit too far at this point, however I soon realised that my personality appeared to have changed to become much more like Eric. I stopped wearing makeup so often. I began to feel dysphoric about my body , I began to wish I was Eric.

From then it's just been confusing. It's never just been Paul , Casey or Eric . At first i thought I'd just made an imaginary family. I've been saying that I have literally no idea why because my family are great. But I wonder if it was because I lost my nan and then metaphorically lost my dad.

My dads not dead , hes alive (just about I mean he smokes like a chimney so it's probably only a matter of time) Our relationship is so wierd. I try to be grateful for him purely because hes not a completely bad person. He gave me a great childhood and has never laid a finger on me. But when I was about 13 , I lost him. He became self absorbed in his own past.

Around about that time one of my dads ex freinds died. Since then dads been remembering things from his past and is convinced that this ex freind emotionally abused him and traumatised him for life.

Hes told me the stories so many times because hes so caught up in it that I should probably remember more of what he told me but honestly I think after the third time I just gave up with talking to him. Dad never cares about what you're talking about . He only cares about himself.

I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe I'll make a post about it. I suppose that's his shit not mine though . I dont deny that his ex freind wasnt exactly nice to him and cheated him out of a relationship. But I just feel like he should maybe you know go to therapy rather than sitting at home , freeloading from my mum , mumbling to himself all day about things that happened in the past.

Its very selfish of me because I know even though dads not exactly had the worst life, and he is a little bit of a narcissist who thinks that hes had the worst life possible , I know hes hurting. But I used to have a dad , now hes just not there. We used to do stuff , and I used to adore him, However hes just not my dad anymore. Theres glimmers of him there . But hes so entangled with the past , (and also a bit delusional) that I cant have a normal father daughter relationship with him anymore.

I guess maybe the combo of that , the strain its put on my parents marriage (they're still together but they argue more now) and the fact that I'm a sensitive little snowflake who really cant deal with anything unpleasant, is the reason I created my imaginary family. I don't know if I want to put it down to that though. I feel like that makes me sound like my dad , blaming my problems on what feels like insignificant past events.

Anyway. I kind of hate the fact that I have another family on the inner world. Because even though my dads a bit of an asshat , hes my dad and as a multitude of people have told me " at least you have a dad , at least your parents are still together" and I adore my mum. Like shes as close to a perfect mum as you get in this world. Of course she has off days and it's not always sunshine and rainbows , but shes amazing. She loves me , she supports me through everything and she does so much for me. No matter how many times I screw up she just sighs and helps me move on. Mind you. I havent got anyone quite like her in the inner world.

Since I've been more honest with myself (and the boys) about the fact that I am in fact daydreaming and its not real , the boys have begun to accept my mum as their own almost. Obviously they have real mums, but I know they love her to pieces.

Anyway, so this big imaginary family. Has become more than that. A lot of the dudes are still just imaginary freinds but with a few of the boys , whom I've introduced you to two out of the three, have become scarily real. Eric is the main one. The last couple of years it's progressed to the point where sometimes , I'm not sure if I am me or if I am Eric , or if Eric is me. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in his voice. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see him. And sometimes he looks in the mirror and sees me. I think as Paul was so feminine. It didn't show so much. We could just pretend we were me on the outside. But when Eric is in my headspace, I hate my feminine body, I've bought a binder and my wardrobe is becoming less feminine. Because I just dont feel like the same person. I'm honestly so confused I really dont know what is going on or why it's happening.

In some ways the inner world is still just me navigating the world and my way of making sense of things. But it's also kind of like , parts of my personality, as little people that live in my brain , but not quite , I cannot begin to explain it .

And then of course, just when I'm trying to figure out the Eric saga and who the hell I even am anymore, Vlad pops up.

I'll always have a soft spot for Vlad. Hes Paul's older brother and has been in the inner world for quite some time , but has been more I suppose, in my headspace as I call it in the last six months or so. Hes the only one that I've managed to do a successful drawing of thus far although I'll try and do some of the other dudes at some point. Only issue is Vlad would much rather we doodle bugs than the other boys. Vlad has been my way of exploring the whole prospect of having Autism , I'm not diagnosed yet as the waiting lists are frankly ridiculous (yay for the tories?) but I've based vlads character around the traits that I have, and he helps me not be so ashamed of being neurodivergent. He also kind of helps me deal with my Emetophobia (the fear of vomiting) and my issues I have around food - which I honestly thought weren't that bad until I got told that the issues I've been having with my stomach and swallowing for the last year , are completely down to my anxiety. And it was at that point that I realised I may have been a teensy bit more traumatised by my phobia of vomiting than I originally believed. In fact vlads backstory is based off of my whole fear of being sick and what started it off (that time the norovirus kicked my ass, big time) .

Uhh so theres a bit about us . I'm not ready to fully open up yet . I want to eventually tell you more about the inner world but baby steps hey. I plan on trying to post more but , I'm useless so I wouldn't count on it.

[whatisthequestion]

so i was trying to masturbate for a good ole dose of dopamine becuase a bitch has been dEPRESSED. i dont mean in like a haha how trendy way but in a i cant keep living like this or just keep living in general/

so i was pretty unsuccessful because suicidal thoughts can be such a buzzkill and i started to think about how much of my self worth was attached to other's approval of me or lack there of. this thought process was similar to what one might call "post nut clarity". just lacking the satisfaction of the nut and the post. i guess one can just refer to it as a frustrated "pro/mid masterbation epiphany" and i further realized that a hasty diagnosis i received about my mental health that i fervently denied was... making a lot of sense 4 years later.

let me explain. so i met a guy online his name is ronnie and he is a complete looney. full of energy and desperately lonely. he called me incessantly everyday and we would talk for hours, sometimes several times through out the day. i found that i had to teach him quite a bit about politics, systemic racial issues, identity politics and femininity. he is older than me and i usually would never waste my time teaching a grown man things he should already know but he was such a nice guy that i told myself that if he is willing to learn thats all that matters. i belittled the standards i uphold for the people i let into my life. and i really tried to figure out why and it really comes down to his persistence in talking to me on a daily basis and how much i wanted that attention. or to but it more aptly; validation.

so i received many diagnosis in my life one of them being borderline personality disorder. this i felt at the time did not represent my mental state accurately and was just a convenient and almost a trendy diagnosis at the time. but im curled up in bed with thoughts of suicide and my thoughts always steering toward this person named ronnie who over the course of many months i talked to consistently. he become what is known within the BPD community as a "fave person". people with this disorder are known for becoming overly attached to one person with idealization and co dependency being some of the features associated with having a FP. i did not experience any idealization but i craved his constant validation of me. of my existence of my problems. i felt consumed and limited. by this constant interaction that became the baseline of my existence.

it didnt help much that he flirted with me constantly then when i asked him about it he would deny it. i was beginning to get really confused by the love and the attention and not to mention the unsolicited dick pics (that i somehow excused ??? ) and he kept telling me how emotionally unavailable he was and how he was absolutely not ready for a girlfriend and i danced with it satisfied with the copious amounts of attention my inner child never received. he didnt fulfill me in any other capacity only with the consistency of his attention to me. and for my serotonin deficient brain i began to rely on the absurdity of the situation.

now he has a sorta girlfriend and he tells me all about it and he barely calls anymore and i feel so fucking empty and stupid and sad. that i traded in my time and energy eVERYDAY for a guy that before he met me was a rePUBLICAN. A REPUBLICAN. i swear to god what is wrong with me. anywho back to the diagnosis, BPD eerily aligns with my strange infatuation and dependence on this person and my insane reaction to him distancing himself a little bit. this reaction is unwarranted and exaggerated for no reason. he is just someone i talk to online yet im in so much pain and i cant stop comparing myself to his girlfriend she is so cool and pretty and so much better than me and ugh why cant my self worth be attached to something healthy like the inherent worth of everybody and not infantilizing myself and begging for approval from a man that was a FUCKING REPUBLICAN

[emilyplaysotome]

Dating Diaries - Chapter 6 - Boomerang

Inspired by real events, Emi enters the dating world after her long term relationship ends. Determined to move forward, she starts dating and quickly finds herself in over her head.

In case you missed it, here are the previous chapters:

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5

On Wednesday, three days after my awkward encounter with Makoto and my Dear Kazu letter, I received a TalkTime message seemingly out of the blue. 

“Hey hey. How’s your week going?”

I must have stared at the message and its sender for a good five minutes before I fully processed that perhaps things were not as “done” with Makoto as I’d thought. I felt confused to say the least considering where we’d left things and the fact he’d gone from texting me everyday to radio silence after his typo ridden message.

Below the texts from Mako were two from Kazumi (who had yet to reply to my email as promised). Seeing as how he hadn’t said anything of substance, I’d stayed strong and left his messages “read” but unanswered.

To be honest, it was difficult not having that person to interact with everyday who acted as a boyfriend proxy of sorts, but I knew it was for the best.

Sitting in that silence as a single person had proven to be difficult. I missed the attention and the accessibility to a friend that being in a relationship provided, but I did my best to start thinking about a night alone as an opportunity to do something fun or get something accomplished that would make me feel better. 

The first night I’d cleaned out my closet which was a not-so-sexy task on my to-do list that had been there for months. The second night I’d rented a few girly movies I’d missed in the theaters and got really yummy takeout. The third night I finally finished the novel I was reading on and off for the past month.

I began to notice that as time went on, sitting with silence began to get easier, and even though it hadn’t been that long upon seeing that text I suddenly felt shaken out of my newly “single and free” headspace and thrust back into utter confusion.

Mentally determining that both of these relationships were over had caused me to shift gears and accept my “singleness” in a way that I hadn’t been able to do before. I was not only prepared for nights of total solitude, but more importantly had actually planned a week for myself around it with that as a theme of sorts. I’d planned to play some otome games, reconnect with a few friends, and really give my apartment a good scrub down.

I also realized that until I was really single and free, I wouldn’t be able to properly heal and learn what it meant to be selfish for me.

Makoto’s text hung in limbo for a bit, until I determined that I wasn’t ready to fully close the door on him (or at least wanted closure if he was going to send a “breakup” text). I waited until I was finished with work, and sitting on the subway with nothing better to do on my commute home I drafted a few responses until I finally replied with, “Hey - it’s good. Busy! How have you been?”

I sat there, the signal on my phone going in and out as the train hurtled between stations, holding my breath as I waited for what I assumed would be an obligatory, “Sorry I’ve been out of touch...after doing some thinking I don’t think we’re right together” type of follow up.

Fifteen minutes later, three stations away from my stop, the phone chimed.

Same :) when do i get to see you again?

I was so stunned, that despite being in public my inner phono-semantic monologue of “Uooh-eh?” tumbled from lips louder than I would have liked on such a crowded train. The woman sitting next to me glanced over at my phone, then me, and shot me a knowing and sympathetic look which indicated she’d experienced hew own fair share of confusion at the hands of the men she was dating.

Taking the lessons I’d learned during my three days of being completely “single” I did not want to prioritize Makoto above myself, or plans I’d already made with friends. My singlesness had inspired me to schedule things up until Sunday night, so I figured I’d offer up that free block time and see what happened.

Hmmm...maybe Sunday? This week is kind of jam packed with friends and work.

My friend Ayoto is having a small holiday party that night. You could come if you’d like? Or if you’re free Friday, someone I know is having a show at a gallery of his photos and it should be casual and fun. I thought we could swing by.

What time Friday? I’m supposed to meet my friend for dinner and to be honest I’d feel a little weird crashing your friend’s intimate holiday party.

It’s 7 - 11 on Friday.

Yuri and I had made plans to meet around 6:30 for dinner that day. 

I figured that usually took 2 hours at most, which meant I could head over after and meet Makoto. Not wanting to be rude, I sent Yuri a text and asked her if that could work and if she might want to join me at the gallery, seeing as how it seemed like an open event.

If I was going to meet some acquaintances of Mako’s who would no doubt size me up, I figured I might as well see if she’d be interested in scoping him out for me.

Naturally Yuri agreed, and as my train pulled into my station I toggled back to reply to Makoto.

That can work so long as we meet around 8:30 when Yuri and I are done with dinner.

Cool...Yuri. You’re not planning to bring a handsome Russian man to this are you?

LOL no, Yuri is a pretty Japanese lady but I can see if she wants to join me. Is that ok?

Haha. Yeah. I’m just glad you’re not having dinner with another guy before our date.

My eyebrow twitched with irritation as I entered my apartment.

There it was again.

The insecurity and jealousy from Makoto that had caused him to be weird in the first place. I took a screen shot of the message and sent it to Yuri, letting her know that I wanted her to join me because I needed her assessment of him ASAP.

And with my Friday plans in place, I put my phone away and enjoyed another night of being fully single.

I continued to ignore Kazumi until Thursday evening when he sent me the saddest text I’ve ever gotten from a grown man.

I was in the middle of painting my nails and watching Terrace House when his message came in.

Sunshine...I feel awful that you’re avoiding me...and that you’ve stopped liking me :(

I knew Kazumi well enough to know that he was genuinely affected by my silence. I also knew him well enough to know that he was dodging everything I’d brought up in my email.

It’s a funny thing how men are sometimes selective about when they’re “good” at communication. In the past, I’ve wanted more from Kazu but accepted what he was capable of.

Yet, now that I held some power he was suddenly around and ready to engage with me in a way he’d previously claimed to be incapable. This fact was not lost on me, though it annoyed me greatly. With that said, I still liked him but I had to wonder if I was beginning to like him a little less these days.

I haven’t stopped liking you. But I gave you my thoughts in an email and you haven’t said anything I can respond to.

I know...I’ve read your email so many times but I just don’t know how to reply to something so beautiful and sad.

Sunshine...please don’t stop liking me.

Kazu...I like you so much but I don’t want to compromise my heart or allow myself to be hurt. I had to be honest with where I’m at. You don’t have to reply. As time goes on, I just know this is going to be harder and so I’d prefer to say goodbye now and have these nice memories.

Sunshine, no - that’s too sad. Please. I like you so much and this whole week I’ve felt awful, deep in my heart. I feel sick at the thought of losing you.

It makes me happy that my feelings are not one-sided, but I just...I struggle with you because I really think I need to be on my own but at the same time I want to be with you.

And I start to get attached and feel weird and jealous and I don’t like that. It’s hard to focus. I just think it would be easier to walk away now.

Emi...logically you’re right but why not just give this some time? Can’t we just keep talking, seeing each other, and see how we feel?

I have not felt this way about anyone since the girl I told you about. The one that really broke my heart. I haven’t felt this kind of “like” in many, many, many years. I will do whatever I can to make you understand that.

You say that you are not ready for a relationship and to be honest, I am not ready for one either. I am willing to think about what you said and potentially start one with you but I don’t think that’s what you want?

No. It’s not. I’m not ready.

So what do you want?

I don’t know.

When you do know, tell me and we can figure it out. But please, don’t run away.

You are very special and lovely and I like being with you. Losing you these past few days was incredibly painful which was a sign for me. You fill something in me, and I want to have you in my life as long as you’ll have me.

Thanks for this Kazu. I have to go though. I’ll think about what you said, and what I want.

Ok Sunshine. I’ve gotta try and meet Kotoko’s deadline for some pages. She’s been killin’ me lately - between the tour and the new book schedule I’ve been so stressed. You running away was almost the final nail in my coffin!

Haha you’re so dramatic. Good luck with your work. I’ll always root for you no matter what happens with us.

I wish I could kiss you.

hahaha Kazu why are you always shirtless when you send me selfies???

Because I always work in my underwear.

You’re such a weirdo lol good luck with your writing

Send me a picture when you can. I miss your beautiful face. I miss you.

I couldn’t help but smile.

Kazumi knew exactly the right combination of weird, sweet, charming, and fun that could make my heart flutter a little. Hearing how much he liked me and that he wasn’t prepared to give up after I pushed him away made me want to keep him in my life for a bit longer.

Yes, he had disappointed me to a degree but no one was perfect and to his defense, I really didn’t know what I wanted from him.

It would have been simple if all I wanted was for him to be my boyfriend but in the time we spent apart, I’d started to think about what that would look like exactly. We wouldn’t be in the same city, and even if we were one day, he would constantly be on the road for his work.

While was charming and fun, he also was incredibly damaged emotionally from his past - both losing his parents at an early age and having a bad relationship that scarred him deeply. He had a hard time staying still which is why his nomadic life suited him to a degree, and in many ways talk of the future stressed him out.

It struck me as ironic that all the things that made him so irresistible to me also made him terrible as a boyfriend. His spontaneity made him great in the moment, but terrible long term. His trauma made him fascinating but also incredibly difficult to handle emotionally.

At the end of the day, the more I’d thought about it, the more I’d determined that Kazumi Kagami as amazing as he was could never be the kind of boyfriend or husband I wanted...

...but I didn’t want to say goodbye either, which is why this was so hard.

As I wrestled with what I should or should not do, I heard that voice telling me it was ok to be selfish, and so I did nothing.

I turned my phone off and I went back to painting my nails and watching Terrace House.

On Friday, Yuri met me at our go-to dinner spot and after going a little crazy with our order of beers, fried chicken, and ramen all talk quickly turned to my love life.

Yuri knew how stressed out I’d been throughout the week, juggling Kazumi and Makoto, then catching the feels for Kazumi before finally deciding to let him go. Being the good friend she was, she’d indulged me more than she needed to and I was grateful that she seemed excited about the notion of getting to meet one of the contestants in my faux reality show - Emi’s Next Top Boyfriend.

“I’m not going to lie,” she said after slurping down a bunch of noodles, “I’m pretty excited to size this Mako character up.”

“Good because I need help. I thought this was over and then all of a sudden he’s back and I just have no idea of where he’s at or what he’s thinking.”

“Do you know if his friends are going to be there?”

“I don’t and to be honest, I didn’t really think we were there...the whole...meeting the friends.”

“I guess you’ll find out when we get there.”

“Yeah, and I know you just thrive at these kinds of things.”

Yuri flashed me a confident smile before snagging a piece of fried chicken. 

“I thrive at any event with free wine.”

Even though she was just joking, Yuri had a knack for these types of social situations. She was one of those people who had the ability to roll into a party where she didn’t know anyone and had no reservations mingling until she’d made a few new friends.

Whereas this kind of event stressed me out, I knew that I would be able to not only hang out with her and Makoto, but that I could leave her and go off with him and not have to worry about how she was doing. Seeing as how Yuri was such a delight at these events, I had no doubt that her presence would only make me look better to Makoto.

Tonight he would see that not only am I a total catch, but that the people I consider friends are cool, pretty, sociable, smart, and fun. On top of that I felt incredibly relieved to finally enter into one of these situations with a friend. In so many ways dating was uncharted territory and I was excited to finally have a wing-woman who could offer a second opinion. 

My phone let out a chime, and Kazumi’s name flashed on the screen.

“Oh no...I thought that was over?”

“Not exactly...”

“How did he worm his way back into your good graces this time?”

I let out a sigh. 

I knew that Yuri was not a fan of Kazumi’s. It made sense, considering the story I told her which was not entirely fair to him. It also made sense based on the fact that he was a difficult man, and as my friend she wanted to shield me from the “fucboi bullshit” he brought into my life from time to time.

With that said, there was nuance to our relationship which wasn’t easily explained over text. I figured that seeing as how I wasn’t quite ready to let Kazumi go, I might as well give Yuri the full story.

“It’s a little more complicated than I’ve been making it I guess,” I said, as I struggled to explain the fact that I didn’t fully understand what I wanted from him.

I filled her in on the fact that while I had started to really fall for Kazumi, I knew that he was not boyfriend material. After Shizuo, I didn’t want to waste my time trying to make the wrong man right, but it was hard when I had such strong feelings for someone I knew I had the potential to love in a way that I might not be able to love Makoto.

As I broke down all my problems with him, Yuri softened a bit as she understood that Kazu was not simply some Casanova who was manipulating my emotions but that I was aware of what was happening and confused as to how I wanted him in my life.

“Damn girl,” she finally said. “I mean...I still don’t care for the things he pulls with you, but I’m glad to hear that there’s been more to this.”

“Yeah.”

“So what have you decided to do?”

“Be selfish...and do nothing for now.”

“Mmm.”

A comfortable silence passed between us, the table littered with the remnants of our dinner. Our waitress returned with our check, and after throwing down some money Yuri lit up and nudged me playfully.

“Well...time to scope this guy out! Shall we?”

The gallery was pretty crowded, and we pushed our way through the crowd as I looked for Makoto. Seeing as how he was tall I figured I’d be able to spot him fairly easily and sure enough I saw him towards the back with a group of people.

“Yuri - that’s him. Over there...”

“The blonde guy?”

“Girl no...you know I don’t like blondes. The tall one. With the plaid shirt...who just saw me and...hi.”

I responded to Makoto’s awkward wave with one of my own and approached him with Yuri in tow. “Hey! How’s it going?” he asked all smiles.

Truthfully, he looked cuter than I’d remembered him being. He was wearing a nicer shirt for the occasion, and he reached out to give me one of those familiar side-hug things that people do. “Hi,” I said, suddenly feeling a bit self conscious as I looked over at the circle of friends Makoto had stepped out of to greet us. They were also tall and handsome for the most part, and I recognized two of them as Ayato Hidaka (the actor) and Takamune Kitame (the soccer star). “You must be Yuri - I’m Makoto,” he said effortlessly, still wearing that same warm smile of his. “Nice to meet you!” Yuri exclaimed, giving him no indication that the sizing up process had begun. “Sorry, sorry. I’m bad with introductions,” I said feigning bashfulness. Makoto and Yuri exchanged a few pleasantries, and after a few additional introductions where Yuri and I met his friends, he encouraged us to go get a glass of complimentary wine from the open bar. 

Yuri waited until we were finally out of earshot on our way to the bar before giving me her first impression of Makoto.

“He seems very nice, and I get the vibe he likes you quite a bit.”

“You think? He’s always changing the pictures on the app though...”

“Yeah but like, that doesn’t mean much. I mean...look at him. He keeps glancing over and smiling at you.”

“I don’t know...”

“Well, I will continue to observe but that’s what my gut is saying at the moment.”

“He’s cute right? I forgot how cute he was...”

Yuri laughed at me in a way that only a good friend can. It was a laugh that told me I never change, and a laugh that made it obvious she was rooting for my happiness.

I drank too much free wine that night. 

The good news was that I felt as if I was being my usual, charming self and did not come off as a drunken mess to his friends. If anything, Makoto was the one who seemed a bit sloppy and nervous as he actually spilled a bunch of his wine while chatting with me and Yuri.

I teased him about being a disruptive drunk and he abashedly got a refill, returning to the circle of his friends instead of where Yuri and I were standing until his embarrassment waned. 

It was a funny thing, seeing him again after having convinced myself that we were totally over. To be honest, the more wine I drank the more I wanted to touch him - covertly taking his hand in mine or grabbing onto his sleeve when we went to get a drink together (and left Yuri behind with his friends).

I came to learn that his brother was the photographer behind the opening, but thanksfully didn’t have the pressure of meeting the family so soon as Riku spent most of the night speaking to agents and potential clients. 

Overall, the night was pleasant and before I knew it Yuri was giving me her final assessment as Makoto made the rounds and said goodbye while we got our coats (and his) from coat check.

“He definitely likes you a lot.”

“But...”

“You’re on the apps too...I don’t know. Based on what I saw he seems pretty smitten.”

I paused, slightly concerned that if I believed Yuri I might get my hopes up prematurely.

“He’s cute right?”

“Yes...you said that already,” she said with a chuckle, “but I think he might be a little boring for you. I know I’d probably get bored with him.”

I knew Yuri well enough to know what she was saying, even though her comment at face value seemed harsh. 

She and I were cut from the same cloth to a degree when it came to the men we liked, and even though our steady boyfriends tended to be nice guys who were head over heels for us, realistically we gravitated towards men who were far more complicated and interesting.

It was precisely why I liked Kazumi more despite all his messiness - he was many things, but he was never boring.

Everything I’d been holding myself back from doing came forth the second we were in the cab, and after giving the driver my address I essentially threw myself at Makoto. It had been some time as a grown woman that I’d made out in the backseat of a cab but I couldn’t stop myself from doing so. Kissing Makoto was fine, but it just didn’t have the same kind of fire I had with Kazumi. I found myself getting a bit frustrated, teasing him almost as if to challenge him to step it up a bit and ultimately found myself interrupted by the cab driver who politely let me know that we had arrived.

Back in my apartment the momentum died down a bit, and I found myself talking to Makoto about what he’d been up to as well as the fact that he’d really liked Yuri. He suggested setting her up with his friend Taka (who we’d met), and the four of us having a double date to which I found myself nowhere near ready for that.

I didn’t know how he felt about me and worse, I didn’t know how I was feeling about him. On paper everything was so perfect but I still just felt that there was something missing in our sexual chemistry. 

Nevertheless, that didn’t stop me from going to bed with him (in the name of science) and after what I would describe as a 7/10 experience found myself lying on his chest as we continued our conversation before I’d attempted to derail my merging of worlds prematurely via seduction.

"I’m really glad I got to see you again,” he said softly as he stroked my hair. “It felt like a long time...”

“I know, but it was really only 5 days.”

“Such a long time,” he joked.

“I mean, it is considering before that I think 3 days was the longest.”

“I haven’t gone on any other dates.”

“That’s not my business Makoto. I already told you, you can if you want.”

“I know, but I’m so busy lately and then when I have free time I was hoping to see you.”

“Ugh. I always forget how cute you are.”

“That’s not fair. I don’t forget how pretty you are...”

I could feel how soft and loving my gaze was on him in that moment, and he smiled before he pulled me towards him. In that moment his kiss was soft and loving, and when I pulled back he asked, “Wednesday?”

“Hmmm?”

“Can I see you on Wednesday? Five days was too long.”

“Ok. Wednesday.”

He kissed me again and then got dressed. I probably should have offered my bed overnight, but I just wasn’t there with him for some reason. I knew if he stayed I’d get no sleep and so we did what we’d done before, except this time I had no doubt that I’d see him again.

In my skimpy pajamas I walked a fully dressed Makoto to my front door where he playfully grabbed my butt and kissed me a few more times before leaving.

As I closed the door, I thought about the fact that I was lucky.

Even if Makoto wasn’t “the one”, I was still lucky that this was the kind of person I’d met. For years my single friends told me what dating was like on these apps. Their experiences in many ways influenced my own expectations insofar as what I assumed this would be.

I had assumed with both Kazumi and Makoto that they would ghost after two or three dates (or perhaps after sleeping with me). I constantly assumed that these fragile, new relationships were teetering on the edge of being over. I waited for the texts that my friends showed me - the ones in which the man takes the high road and expresses the fact that while he had fun, he doesn’t see a future together.

With Kazumi I had assumed my letter would be the end of it. I had assumed that he would express that my role in his life was nothing more than a fling versus anything to fight for (be it friendship or more). This week I had learned that for Kazumi I was more than just a fling. He might not care about me enough to put in the work to dig through his feelings and answer my email, but he cared enough to do what he was capable of in this moment in time.

He cared enough to fight a little bit...and seeing as how I didn’t know what the hell I wanted, I was at least happy to know that the strong feelings I had towards him were not completely one sided.

And then there was Makoto.

I’ll never understand what happened that night that caused him to pull back and change his pictures, but being with him in person confirmed that he was the cinnamon roll I remembered. Yuri’s read on him meant something to me, because when I was with him I felt that he really liked me.

Now that we had plans for Wednesday, it felt like it did when we first met. It felt like he wanted to keep our momentum going and not let me go.

I was very lucky.

I felt very loved...or at least, very liked.

As I got ready for bed, I thought about what it meant to be selfish right now. Perhaps it meant continuing to see a man who I wasn’t sold on in addition to one who wasn’t right.

Maybe it was just about letting these things play out, and realizing that I had a say in the matter.

I didn’t have to wait around and wonder if they’d ghost or not. I got to say what I wanted, how I wanted it, and create my own rules for myself out of that.

My eyelids grew heavy, and I decided that tomorrow first thing I would wake up and spend my Saturday morning coming up with my own Terms & Conditions for dating.

Because at least then, I’d have a roadmap and it would be completely my own.

Continue to Chapter 7

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#my last first kiss fanfic #my last first kiss #makoto morimachi #liar! uncover the truth fanfic #voltage fanfic #Voltage fan fiction #voltage fan #voltage fandom #Kazumi Kagami #liar! uncover the truth

[agentelmo]

X-Files Fanfic/episode idea

I have an epicly long fanfic idea but zero talent to make it into a story so... I’ll just leave this here and if anyone wants to make my dream come true, just drop me a link haha... Oh so arrogant... well, at least someone can tell me if they think it would make a good story, right?

So I started to think about the fact that we have never had Mulder or Scully directly confront their feelings for each other - it’s always quite vaguely done, through using “other” words or through a look, a touch of the hand, a kiss on the forehead - you know the drill...

It made me realise that actually, the only direct acknowledgement that they are in love with each other (or at least that Scully with Mulder) is from IWTB where Scully tells Mulder: “this stubbornness of yours; it’s why I fell in love with you.”

I remember thinking “Whoa whoa whoa there!”  I was utterly floored when I heard that the first time.  Scully telling Mulder that she’s in love with him?! My inner 13 year old just died and went to heaven.  Seriously, back in the 90′s this show and being a shipper was my LIFE.

But of course, this is the X-Files so the context of Scully’s declaration of love is that she’s not long ago told him that his incessant pursuit of the case was bringing a darkness into her home that she didn’t want anymore, and that basically she was leaving him...  Mulder, still hurt by this responds by telling her that it’s also the reason they can’t be together.  Welcome to the X-Files. *sigh*

So I was in the shower, washing my hair, mulling this over when I wondered what Mulder’s response might be if he truly heard the depth of Scully’s feelings - if he could hear her articulate them, like a fly on the wall... hearing her talk to someone else.

So to the fic - I’d like for it to be set between season 6 and 7, before their romantic relationship starts.  I’d like to frame it as the reason Mulder finally decides to act on his feelings for Scully and initiate a romantic relationship.  I see it as fitting in with the canon, rather than being AU.  Of course this disregards slightly the “invited Mulder into your bed one lonely night” comment, which seems to suggest Scully initiated things, but pfft, we’ll never know the ins and outs of how relationship turned romantic *shakes fist at CC* so in my head - Mulder initiates.

Now for the story outline. If I had any writing talent at all, I’d love to write an “episode” of the X-Files where Mulder and Scully are investigating reports of paranormal goings on after an accident at the RHIC in New York leaves a scientist in a coma.  

The RHIC is the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider.�� A smaller version of the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.

I am not a scientist - not even slightly - so I can’t fill out the details realistically myself, but the idea is that an experiment goes wrong, and “somehow” knocks the scientist out of sync with his body.  His soul or “spirit” becomes external, invisible but conscious and able to hear people around him, but not communicate with them; while his body seems to be in a coma, a vegetative state needing life support to stay alive.

Scully and Mulder arrive, and do some investigating - speak with the staff, some of which completely dismiss the events, while others insist they’ve seen things and cannot explain them; they’re scientists so the fact some claim these events to be paranormal fascinates Mulder.  Soon after their arrival, the pair observe the wife of the scientist in the coma, recreate the experiment that almost killed her husband – the pair are co-leads on the project.  She has altered some key variables and seems determined, almost frantic that these changes will lead to the success of their experiment. But zomg, it goes wrong again and this time it knocks Mulder out of whack - his spirit disconnected from his body.

Do you see where I am going with this? haha...

Mulder will straight away see the scientist standing next to him once he has become a “sprit” himself. He sees his body on the ground, and Scully frantically working to revive him.  I kind of visualise it as them being ghosts.  They are there, but no one can see or touch them.  People walk through them like they’re not there. Mulder talks to the scientist who explains what has happened, but doesn’t know how to get back into his body.  He thought if the experiment was successful, he would return to his body, but it had instead failed again and brought Mulder here – the scientist is pretty distraught and has lost hope, he’s resigned himself to being dead.  Although Mulder reminds him that he’s not dead he’s in a coma, so there must be some way to get back.

The paranormal angle and the basic concept of why this has happened is that when someone dies, their spirit leaves their body, but if the spirit has strong emotional attachments (i.e. is in love) it becomes anchored and cannot leave until the one they love dies and joins them – a kind of unfinished business, but not.  It’s not that they don’t want to leave, it’s that they can’t.

This is a good opportunity for Mulder to ream off obscure knowledge of some (completely fictional) tribe/ancient culture who believes that ghosts are simply the spirits of those who are irreversibly tied to the soul of another and cannot leave until that other soul joins them in death and then they can part this Earthly realm together.

It will turn out that the scientist’s spirit has been anchored to his wife – he cannot leave and truly die, unless she dies too.  But since their bodies aren’t dead, they surmise their situation is some kind of unnatural in-between limbo state caused by the experiment gone awry… Mulder refuses to accept that there isn’t a way to return their consciousness to their bodies.

The scientist tells Mulder he has been shadowing his wife for months, looking over her work and her desperate attempts to get the experiment to be successful.  She is throwing herself into her work to try and not think about her grief at her husband being gone, and wants to complete their work together as a tribute to him.  The husband believed that if the experiment was a success, the process may be reversed; he believed his wife could complete the work alone, but she was unsuccessful. 

 Mulder tells him he has to work out where she is going wrong, and make the experiment successful.  Thinking about this now, I think it also serves as a fun meta commentary on how not just the scientist and his wife, but also Mulder and Scully are good alone, but better together.  The wife can’t work it out alone – the husband works out what she cannot; it’s through them working together that things are a success.

Utterly devastated that her continued attempts at the experiment have now potentially “killed” an FBI agent, the wife abandons her work, and takes to her husband’s bedside.  

The weird goings on that first drew Mulder and Scully to investigate the RHIC will have been this scientist working out how to affect the outside world in a kind of Patrick Swayze in Ghost type of way - but instead of moving objects he’s able to very briefly manipulate people around him.  Make them pick up a pen, flick a switch, type at a computer sometimes even speak.  Great opportunity for some Mulder fun in this scene haha...  if Mulder was a ghost for a day, I totally think he would mess with people.

Mulder will notice the parallel between the scientist’s wife and Scully.  She will have also thrown herself into work, trying not to focus on what’s happened to Mulder and how she feels about it, she will just be focused on trying to save him.  She will be certain that whatever happened during the experiment was responsible for Mulder’s condition. 

In the course of Scully’s investigation, she will come to the conclusion that the paranormal goings on are not so paranormal at all, the people claiming paranormal goings on were doing it themselves.  The creepy voices, the moving things - those that have claimed to have seen it are actually the ones doing it.  Scully will interview one such person, who will insist he/she didn’t do it; they have no memory of doing what they see themselves doing on the security cameras.  Scully will find it strange, especially coming from highly educated scientists, but the investigation has come to a standstill. She has a copy of the RHIC experiment and sees the variable changes the wife made to the original experiment, but doesn’t understand how or why this could have caused Mulder’s condition. Defeated, she will jack in the investigation and go to Mulder’s side and try medically, to help him - but it will be all for naught; the doctors will be stumped on how to diagnose his condition - he’s physically healthy, there’s no logical reason for his or the scientist’s coma.

Mulder and the scientist will work out that there was one variable that needed to be different, some change that will enable to experiment to finally work.  But true to the X-Files, the scientist will have been in this coma for many months, and before Mulder and the scientist can somehow communicate to the scientist’s wife that the experiment can work, she agrees to turn off her husband’s life support in the hospital.  His spirit no longer in limbo... while Mulder remains and is now alone.

Lots of angst here for both Mulder and Scully; Mulder cannot manipulate the real world like the scientist could and doesn’t know how.  He realises that his spirit has been tied to Scully, we can have some good soul searching here, Mulder admitting to himself that he loves her, has loved her for years - doesn’t surprise him that their souls are bound.

He follows her around, watches her as she tries to cope with his condition.  Watches her beg him to wake up in the hospital.  I would say at this point, a good two to three weeks has passed since the accident happened.  

Scully will be forced into therapy by her mother, and Mulder will listen as she basically spills her guts on how she feels for him to the therapist.  

There’s SO much potential here for awesome shippy moments, and for Mulder to hear how she feels about him like a fly on the wall.

Then when Scully is alone at her apartment, once again, going over every detail of the case, and the experiment done at the RHIC, she will break down, be a complete mess and Mulder, so desperate to console her and let her know he’s there, will unexpectedly be able to affect something - he moves her hand. She doesn’t realise at first, but then she looks down and notices something written that she hadn’t written herself.  She realises she’s written something down, a variable on the RHIC experiment documents – she’s crossed something out and written something else instead.  

God, I am basically writing Ghost here, aren’t I?

HMM... but with an X-Files twist!

She will return to New York and try to convince the scientist’s wife to try the experiment again with the changed variable.  The wife will be shocked, how could Scully know to change it?  Only she and her husband knows the experiment in enough detail to know to change it in this way.  She will be taken aback suddenly – can she be truly thinking that somehow her husband gave this information to Scully from beyond the grave?  Scully will insist that something guided her to make these changes and she has to believe it will help Mulder.  This will hit the wife like a ton of bricks, she begins to believe and despite the risks, agrees to help Scully run it again.

Because of the previous failed attempts, the wife has been suspended from her post at the RHIC, and so they have to break in and run the experiment without anyone else’s knowledge. Time to break out badass!Scully, all in black and employing the assistance of THE LONE GUNMEN! YAAAS!

Mulder will be by her side throughout, watching her go gung ho to save his sorry ass, and being impressed as all hell and more in love with her than ever.  Yaaaaaaaaaas!

They run the experiment, security will be all over them and they’ll almost fail to run it.  But just in the nick of time, they initiate the experiment and it’s a success… cut to Mulder’s eyes flutter open at the hospital.  Following this, there will be a scene where Mulder and Scully emotionally reunite, but I’d want their romantic relationship initiated later – in some sequel fic perhaps.  I love the idea here that Mulder has truly accepted he’s in love with Scully, and has seen the depths of her feelings for him, and now he’s on a mission – he will start a relationship with her, just not while he’s in a hospital bed and she’s tearfully gripping his hand!

In true X-Files fashion, I’d quite like the end to be the scientists wife, many months later - pouring over data, and then suddenly she will write something down unexpected, and be taken aback… she will look around the room, and smile… and then keep working.  The husband and wife, still working together, he now truly dead but his soul anchored to his wife, waiting for her to join him in death so that when her time comes, they will cross over together.   The subtle implication being that when Mulder or Scully dies, the same thing will happen to them too.

Now some things I haven’t thought about – what the hell is this experiment?!  Why is it so important and how could it knock the consciousness of a person outside of its body into a limbo state; a kind of pre-death state.  I dunno, I guess it doesn’t need to be explained too much.  But I think some explanation of the experiment needs to involve some investigation into alternate dimensions – something like that.  Perhaps something to do with string theory.  But again, I am not a scientist in the slightest lol so what do I know.

Another issue is whether or not Mulder’s body would need to be near the experiment when it goes off to successfully return to his body.  Presumably, yes but would it work with just his spirit being nearby too?   Maybe. I think it would be pretty crazy for Scully, on a complete hunch and no evidence at all, whisk a dying man on life support away from hospital.  So yeah let’s just say with multiple dimensions and planes of existence, these things don’t matter!

So yeah, that’s my fic idea… a fic I don’t think I have the skill nor patience to write myself lol… I’d love to hear some input though, if you think it sounds like a plausible X-File and if you would want to read it, lemme know… and also if you think it’s utter trash and basically Ghost ala X-Files, I’d take that too – I want to hear thoughts!

#thexfiles #xfiles #x files #the x files #txf #txf fanfic #xf fanfic #mulder #fox mulder #scully #dana scully #msr #msr fanfic #mulder and scully #x files fanfiction

[theseventhhex]

Alexina Interview

Alexina

Photo by Bree Hart

Soaring between genres whilst maintaining an addictive pop appeal and wistful atmosphere, multi­-instrumentalist and thoroughly gifted Alexina indulges her every musical impulse with prominent promise. Combining relatable lyrics with powerful catchy choruses, beguiling vocals and on-point production, Alexina has arrived equipped with many skilful facets. Pushing the envelope by playing by her own rules, this young and progressive songwriter has an ever-present and self-confident energy alongside a wide variety of inspirations that inform her songs… We talk to Alexina about living in London, being influenced by literature and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3…

TSH: You’re currently in the midst of writing one song a day for the next ten days. What made you settle on this direction?

Alexina: Well, I’m set to be in the studio with Rob Brinkmann for the next few weeks. He’s who I do all of my songwriting and production with and beforehand I thought it would be a good idea to challenge myself in this way. After all, I feel like I’ve grown as a writer and I shouldn’t be relying on people to write songs anymore.

TSH: What intentions do you mainly outline in terms of production?

Alexina: The amazing thing about working with Rob Brinkmann is that he has an incredibly organic way of looking at production. A lot of my EP is synth heavy in terms of sounds but we’ve used a lot of organic instruments as well, there’s a real blend of the two. For instance, we record real drums on an iPhone and then put in processed drums or we’ll record guitar, then distort the guitar and put it through a synth pedal. There’s a real hash mash of different sounds, but every sound is there for a reason.

TSH: What’s at the core of your recent musical expressions?

Alexina: I’m very reactionary writer; something has to hit me to write about it. The bulk of the work that I’m working on now is written about a pretty intense breakup I had about a year ago. The poor guy is still being used as a source of inspiration, ha! But yeah, everything is written from a very personal point of view. Also, I try to discuss things relating to women of my age and the impact of society too - how fucking tough it can be living in London and working at the same time.

TSH: How do your London surroundings impact your music?

Alexina: Living in one of the most expensive cities in the world and trying to be creative at the same time is incredibly difficult. You end up using so much energy only to have just about enough time to be in the studio, but you’ve got to pay rent too. I can’t help but look at my friends around me who aren’t artists and how they make money and constantly strive ahead in terms of their careers. The comparison between yourself and others can be very stark. I sometimes feel like I’m living in a very microscopic environment. I actually grew up in the countryside and in London I get caught up working too much or going out too much. It’s not the best place to be, but there is still so much going on that I draw upon for my artistry.

TSH: Your name of course stems from the Scottish female warrior. How often do you channel your inner Alexina?

Alexina: Whenever I need to feel liberated, ha! The name makes me feel empowered, that’s why I try to write lyrics about real things that are going on. So much music nowadays has no substance to the lyrics and I want to write about stuff that people are going through and that they can relate to.

TSH: What was the process like in fleshing out ‘Partying on My Own’?

Alexina: I wrote this song two months into my breakup with a guy named Paul Usher. We worked in this tiny little studio that had no windows and we were there for two days. I liked working with him but we just couldn’t get anything out - nothing was sticking. Anyhow, I played what I had to Rob Brinkmann and he was so impressed. He told me to rewrite parts of the song and we eventually got it to sound just right. It was written initially in an angsty way and it then turned into this massively powerful song.

TSH: Your track ‘Silent Kill’ was also featured on the Terminal soundtrack starring Margot Robbie...

Alexina: That was crazy! I think the most exciting thing about that song was that I wrote it in four hours. For that song I was given a brief about writing a track for a movie with a slightly 70s and dark feel - almost like a Bond-esque track. This was the first time ever that I’d written a brief to song which I really liked the arrangements on. I’m so proud of it. Oh, and going to the premiere was really cool too.

TSH: Books are also a source of inspiration for you...

Alexina: I’m a massive reader. If I’m lacking in inspiration in terms of fleshing out an idea that I have, I’ll definitely draw on a book that I’ve read. I feel like I’m more of a writer than an artist. Literature is another part of being a musician that gets me so excited. I love how certain authors arrange words with unique combinations; I want to do the same with my music...

TSH: Much like Roald Dahl did with his books...

Alexina: Yes! He is one of my favourite authors of all time. I love his adult short stories like Switch Bitch and Kiss Kiss. They use the same kind of imagination and magic as his kids books but in a very dark and twisted way. I love the dark side of Roald Dahl - the way he can make people feel so uncomfortable and create such a unique feeling.

TSH: And you’re also going to publish a book for children inspired by your dog...

Alexina: Yes, it’s in the middle of being written. It’s really sad because my poor dog got put down a few weeks ago and I really miss him. He’s the only dog we’ve ever had and he’s inspired this children’s series about dog stories. It’s fictional and I kind of twisted the plot. I’ve imagined that he was this young puppy that comes from a spoilt house in London and gets adopted by this really lovely old farmer couple in Scotland. So it’s about an urban dog adapting to the countryside, being spoilt and thinking he knows it all.

TSH: Speaking of the countryside, is the Scottish countryside your go to place to unwind and find clarity?

Alexina: Yeah, definitely. For me coming back to Scotland is like my therapy. I’m more in love with Scotland than anywhere else in the world - it’s so special and it can truly break your heart in the most amazing way.

TSH: Have you managed to revisit and play Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3 recently?

Alexina: Haha! You know it’s so gutting because that’s a PlayStation 2 game and I’ve got a PS4. I suppose I can maybe download it? I remember back in the day having my tonsils out and I managed to complete the whole series of Pro Skater 3. I was so good at it!

TSH: What sort of preferences do you have in mind for future music?

Alexina: I have always had incredibly big dreams about what I want from being a musician. My main goal right now is just to be able to travel the world and play shows. I fucking love performing and if I can be touring and seeing parts of the world whilst making a little bit of money from music then I’ll be the happiest girl in the world.

Alexina - “Partying On My Own”

Cool Together - Single

#Interview #Alexina

[allydsgn]

Hey I'm new to studyblr and I really wanna do graphic design when I finish high school and I saw that's what you are learning at the moment and now I'm all excited!! Can I ask how you are going with it and what you most enjoy and most dislike about it? Idk I just am really keen to learn all about how it is 😂💕

Hi! Ahh I’m so excited FOR you!! :D

I’m going to break this down into a list so I don’t ramble too long haha (but honestly now that you’re asking you’re gonna get me started and boy do I mean STARTED here we go)

What I Enjoy Most

Art... but with PURPOSE! I love to think and solve problems, so applying that love with art is so awesome to me!

Seeing good design and getting inspired (makes me excited)

Getting taught new ways to do things. Physical mediums like screen printing and how to scan in your illustrations has definitely given me more ideas for the future, hehe. Also learning new shortcuts or things in programs that make work 10x faster to produce is always helpful!

Being able to use my illustration skills in my designs!

Sometimes when I’m coding websites I lose track of time and end up going at that for half the day (and even when I’m doing sketches for concepts), and honestly I kind of love those moments. It’s just something that I really enjoy doing that I can do forEVER sometimes haha

The friends I’ve made are also fantastic. I’m sure this is for any field, but just the feeling of talking to other people about design is so neat! I’ve definitely made friends on here, too!

I love it when I put something on the board for critique and there are a few classmates that go “omg that looks so GOOD” or if my professor says “you did a REALLY good job! I love how you did [insert thing here]” because it just makes all the work feel more worth it!

I love to push concepts. It’s funny because my professors always say “PUSH IT” so now that’s just what I say all the time in reference to trying to make concepts/ideas more fun, crazy, or clever. Making that jump from “good” to “WOW” is such a great feeling.

Learning about paper choices was awesome because when you print something on nice, textured, and/or colored paper it is SO different from what you see on the screen. Or really just seeing all of the work finally fully produced is such a good feeling.

Giving feedback to other people and seeing their work/thought process. Usually what’ll happen in critique is that everyone’s work will go up on the board for everyone else to see, and then the hamster wheel in my head starts spinning for everyone else’s projects LOL. I get super inspired by my peers and I also love to give them ideas or let them know what I’m thinking, haha.

What I Dislike (just mini rants at this point)

If I’m stuck I get really really stuck. I’ll eventually get out of it, but I just hate that moment when I’m trying to figure something out (let’s say a logo) but no matter what I do it doesn’t look “right”. UGH. Hard work and inspiration digging gets me out of it but I just hate when it happens

The long nights I’ve pulled for projects lol

3-hour long critiques... okay like I don’t DISLIKE them, but when it’s a 9:00 AM to 11:45 AM class and we slowly talk about each person’s work for that long and you went near the beginning, you get pretty bored/tired pretty quickly. Most times I like to contribute feedback a lot, but if I just got done pulling an all-nighter or there isn’t much to say I’d rather just keep working on my own stuff or sleep

Working on something that I don’t have a good concept for. It just feels like I’m doing it for nothing if it doesn’t have a good concept/idea I guess.

Getting bad feedback. Not getting bad feedback as in “constructive criticism”, I mean like “oh that looks good” being my only feedback for a 3-hour class and everyone else gets 15-minute sessions of what they could do with their work. It’s technically a good thing because that means I’m going in the right direction, but it also just kind of sucks if you spent a lot of time on it and the only talk about the project is “oh good job” and that’s it I guess? I wouldn’t mind as much if they also told me WHY they liked it I guess is what it is.

Lectures on things I already know about. A repetitive lecture/tutorial honestly kills me inside to the point that I end up doing something else while in class (talking about you web design 1 class). Like there’s literally no point in being in a 3 hour class studio if the time is spent reviewing something I already know.

Drama in my tiny class-size (there’s 13 of us going into senior year of the program). Like it’s such a small class that everyone knows that there’s beef or something up with the other people when it happens. Literally can’t avoid it.

Overall Experience

I have loved everything I’ve learned.

The friendships I’ve made are fantastic

The growth that happens when your inner lightbulb goes off is almost shocking

I almost surprise myself sometimes when it comes to my own projects. Mostly because I usually build up to an idea and then when you see the beginning sketches vs. the final product you just go “WOAH, I’ve come a long way!”

I’ve literally fallen in love with Graphic Design and I feel so motivated to do anything in the field (including projects I’m involved with in the studyblr/studioblr community!)

omg I hope you enjoyed my long talk but when you get me started I am STARTED. Feel free to ask more questions and I’d be very happy to respond!

#answered #graphic design #personal #studioblr #okaestudy #asks

[chan-yolo]

Artificial Love

A/N So I've decided to do another EXO scenario, and this time I thought I’d write something for Sehun. This is going to be very different from my last two scenarios i’ve done as it’s not as fluffy, to be honest this went in a completely different direction to what I had planned... hopefully you like it. If you have any requests for anything EXO feel free to message me xoxo

Not all love is gentle. Sometimes it’s gritty and dirty and possessive. Sometimes it’s not supposed to be careful or soft at all. Sometimes it feels like teeth. 

That’s how this love felt to you, dirty and wrong. He was like a harsh bite, what made it so dirty was that you loved the pain. The heartbreak he gave you every time he left, the tears spilled over the way he pushes you away. the feeling in your stomach, like you’re going to throw up every time he whispered those sweet words to you. But you loved it. Everything about it gave you a thrill, you got a kick out of being his possession. 

You loved him. You knew that. You also knew he did not reciprocate those feelings. He would always say he loved you, but you knew he was just scared you’d escape him and move on. He didn’t like to lose what he thought was his. And in all honesty you didn’t mind being his toy, because it meant you got to hold him, and touch him in a way no one else could while you were by his side. But everyone in his life had an expiry date, that’s just how Oh Sehun worked. Until then you were just going to enjoy the pleasure he gave you in everything he did.

Sehun never really took you on normal dates, well he never really took you on dates at all. It was all to parade you to his associates and friends. On occasion to keep his parents quiet he would bring you along to family events. Tonight was no acception. Here you were, in a dress too tight for you. sitting at the bar watching your boyfriend chat to a group of people just as attractive as him, yet he was still the one to stand out.

You walked in with him, everyone knew who you were. They knew you were his accessory, and that they should stay away from anything Sehun had left his mark on, only occasionally getting a lingering look from a guest, just wanting to get a look at the person the famous Sehun had claimed. But every once in a while you’d get someone who would try their luck with you, and most of the time it would be someone new. But this time is was one of his friends, someone within his inner circle. one of the nine most talked about men in the city. This could only end badly. 

The moment you saw Chen walk towards you, you knew that it could only end badly. You looked back over to Sehun, ignoring the other attractive man walking towards you. You felt someone lean next to you, and by the view in your peripheral, you could tell it was Chen. You took a big swig of your champagne, wishing it was something stronger. 

“I see he’s left you again angel.” You heard Chen speak next to you. I looked at him, he looked great, his hair pushed back, clad in a suit, which really did him justice. His kitten lips permanently pulled up in a smile, tonight though it was a smirk, just for you. 

“He hasn’t left me Jongdae, this is a business party, he is doing his job, and please don’t call me angel.” I rolled my eyes and looked into the crowd, finishing my champagne.

“Oh yeah, doing shots with Chanyeol is really doing his job.” He scoffed, shooting daggers at Sehun laughing loudly with his taller friend.

“Jongdae stop.” I sighed turning round and ordering a whiskey for myself. 

“You could call me Chen you know?” he asks moving a little closer to me, watching as I drink my drink and order another. 

“Wouldn’t that mean we’d be friends?” I look at him, smirking a little.

“I thought we were already friends.” He smiles never looking away. 

“we’re not that close.” I take a swig of my drink, turning away from him.

“I’d like to be.” I hear him say.

“I bet you would.” I laugh.

“You don’t know how much I would.” I feel his arm snake around my waist. He was now pressed up against my side, his face very close to mine. I look up at him, shocked by his actions but chose not to show it. 

“You’re playing a very dangerous game Jongdae.”

“I know I am. I also know that I could give you more than he can.” 

“Oh really?” my eyes flicker down to his lips momentarily, and then look up to his eyes. It was quick but he still noticed.

“You know I could Y/N, i’d be so good to you.”

“You’re his friend Jongdae, his elder, he respects you, you can’t do this.”

“I can’t help how I feel about you Y/N.”

“Jongdae stop...” you were only telling him for his benefit.

“Y/N please...”

“She said to stop so maybe you should.” You heard a voice next to you. You closed your eyes, knowing this was what was going to happen, why did you let Chen carry on, the last thing you want is him hurt.

“I’d really appreciate it if you’d take your hands off of her also.” You stared at Sehun, he was so calm, too calm. you felt Jongdae’s hands leave you, and you turned completely to look at Sehun.

“I’d appreciate it Sehun if you put effort into your relationship.”

“My relationship is none of your concern Chen.” You could see in Sehun’s eyes that he was losing his cool.

“She could do better.” Jongdae spat at him.

“What did you say?.” Sehun gritted his teeth.

“She could easily leave you Sehun, she could do better.” The next thing you knew, Sehun had grabbed Chen by the collar. You jumped in surprise, not expecting him to act out in a public place, especially towards one of his best friends.

“You will not come near Y/N again. You will not look at her, you won’t even breathe near her. I don’t want you anywhere near her.” Sehun pushed Chen back and turned to you. “We’re leaving.” You looked back at Chen smiling apologetically and quickly followed behind Sehun, jogging lightly to match his long strides. 

You dared not to say anything, knowing that when he’s mad, you have to wait for him to make the first move. Something like this had never happened before, men had tried to flirt with you, but you always told them you had a boyfriend and they would leave. This time was different, Jongdae knew what he was doing, and you didn’t help the situation, you should’ve pushed him away. But why didn’t you? Maybe you didn’t think Jongdae would do anything drastic, he was a friend of Sehun’s after all. Or maybe you knew this would happen, and you just wanted a reaction from your boyfriend, maybe you just wanted to see him show how possessive he is. But there you were in the car, not knowing what was going to happen. Would he shout at you? Would he leave you? He was so quiet you couldn’t read him. 

You arrived, surprisingly at your apartment, usually after these events you’d end up back at his. You continued not to say anything and followed him up to your apartment door. You stepped in front of him to open the door, as you stepped in he uttered one room.

“Bedroom.” I followed his order. With my head down I walked to my bedroom. when I entered I sat straight down on the edge of my bed, staring straight down at my shoes. 

“What do you think you’re playing at Y/N?” I continued to look down at my shoes.

“He’s my friend. You should know better.”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, almost inaudibly. 

“No! What was he thinking? He knows you’re mine, yet he chose to... to do that!” You looked up to see Sehun staring at you intently. he walked over to you, moving your hair out of your face. His hand slowly moved down to cup your cheek, his thumb moved to swipe over your bottom lip. You had chosen to wear the lipstick he likes. The perfect shad of crimson. 

“You’re so innocent Y/N. Don’t you see the way guys look at you? Even D.O hyung looks at you like an animal.” You blinked up at him. 

“I’m sorry Sehun.” 

“It’s okay, you don’t know. I just need to make sure you’re mine. I need to make sure everyone knows you’re mine.”

He pushed you back, urging you to scoot back. He took off your shoes in the process. “Lay down princess.” he uttered, never once looking away from you. You laid down, looking up at the man you loved, who was now hovering over you. 

“You’re beautiful you know that?” His eyes traced your face. and you smiled softly at him. Sehun slowly leaned in capturing your lips, kissing you deeply, with passion. You ignored the fact you felt no love in his kiss, just savouring the moment of him. He moved to start kissing your neck, sucking on it harshly. You moaned at the feeling of his tongue running over the spot, easing the tingling feeling.your hand finding its place in his hair. 

Sehun moved to look you in the eye, looking down at the mark he made, “Everyone will know who exactly you belong to.” Your breath hitched at the look in his eye. The look of hunger. Of Want and desire. He moved your leg up to be placed on his hip, smiling at you deviously.

“You know I love you right princess?” You nodded as his lips were once again placed on yours.

It was dirty, gritty and possessive. But you wouldn’t want it any other way. You wouldn’t want him any other way. 

A/N sooooo it’s very different from what i’ve written before, and it took me a while, but hopefully it’s okay. I hope you enjoy reading it, i’m sorry for any mistakes, it’s 3am haha xoxo

#exo #exo scenarios #exo imagine #exo angst #sehun #oh sehun #sehun imagine #sehun scenario #kpop imagine #kpopscenario

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Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 25 (Epilogue 4 Page 8)

#Homestuck #The Homestuck Epilogues #Meat #Epilogue Four #reaction #Rose #Dirk

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I want to tell you the story of how I over committed myself to do an event last year, it went bad- like really bad and when the smoke settles it will be over $100,000 loss.Last year after coming back to America in early March I still had this crazy idea in my head to launch an events based startup that would take over the extreme sports world. There was all kinds of new things I had never done involved in this new venture like…-Building a new team and working with new people -Traveling to and learning a new country I had never been too -New hurdles, walls and roadblocks -& so much more...I had successfully run events in the past, so I came into this with an ego that thought I could handle anything.In the end things went so bad that it was almost embarrassing, the event fell apart by the 3rd day and we had to end up refunding everyone, the team ran off with all the gear and film equipment and I was left holding the bag for everything. To be clear, that isn’t me being a victim, I take full responsibility for what happened, it just flat out sucked and truly almost broke my will.I talked about this “massive failure” to only a handful of people and now after 4 months it's time to talk about more of the lessons I learned that can hopefully help you avoid mistakes we made.Also I think these lessons are applicable to any business that requires building a team and serving the public.Here are the big things I learned…1. Past Results DOESN’T Dictate Future Performance-Just because I had run successful events in the past, seen successful events run, been a part of past teams and had a good amount of experience in that arena DOESN’T guarantee anything actually, it does shore up confidence from your inner team and investors but overall it's not necessarily a safer bet.I’m a prime example of this, which screams the importance of a documented process for as much as you can for you and your team for any business. The reading and re-reading of this would of pointed out many of our blind spots I am 100% sure of that now.I went out to Japan a month in advance to make sure that I could orientate myself with the culture, the route we would be taking, the airports, food, car rental process, ATM issues/withdrawal limits etc. I thought I was thinking of everything but I wasn’t….The biggest thing I missed was that wires from my US account to any Japan bank account took 1 full day and to Australia took sometimes 3 days to show up, and those would both be a regular required thing for us around the event.This was a showstopper especially considering a few of the businesses we were working with looked at us as competition and were not willing to give us the same treatment they gave others with our billing even though they personally knew many people who were working on our team and friends who had all vouched for us in advance.Next an assistant would’ve worked wonders to run out and grab us all food, ensure that there was enough water at all times, the attendees personal needs were attended too etc.That job was given to me which again if we had spent the time to really prep, would’ve been glaringly obvious that I couldn’t handle this.Lastly I didn’t take into considerations how I would be performing if things did start to go south and have my own safety net in place to help support me if my state started to shift, which it did and by the 3rd day I was cooked.2. Blind Faith Has Its Limits- I am all for leaps of faith, being delusional and going for it but when you use that as an excuse not to do the actions that are required for success then you most likely won’t succeed.I had plenty of time to reach out for help along the way and get people involved that could of helped, from friends to investors but I didn’t do enough here. Then because of my half assed effort when it came down to the wire, I was making calls desperately in the middle of the night Japan time for anyone and everyone who could help me. This hurt my reputation and clout more with my network than if I had 50 people who hated me and talked about me on social media.One of the big barriers I knew we would have going into this was money, I knew it would be close and tight, this is because I sold the event at a cheaper price than I knew it would take to actually put it on and that I could pull personal money out and use that plus the business model looked really sexy so assumed we would get investors or “something” to swoop in and save us.This is by far the biggest hit to my ego, this was flat out fucking dumb!I had 1 investor reach out from my network after a public FB post (agh the power of Facebook) who actually I thought would be a great fit, we shared similar interests, he was involved directly in the market this company was in and I personally liked him. This seemed like a good business move and it looked inevitable that we would move forward but on the first day of the event I got the email that he wasn’t going to move forward.Again if I had rolled with my backup plan to pull out more personal money, then I would’ve had that already, but instead it didn’t show up till day 4 or 5 of the event. By then the whole event was over and I had driven a van full of people who probably hated me back down 4hrs away to the airport for them to hangout the last few days before their return flights.3. The Buck Stops With You! No matter what happens, and I repeat NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, it all falls on YOU! Most people suck at taking ownership it seems these days and I totally get it because it's so easy to just point at something/someone else and say “no it was because of that!”.For the first 30 days after the event was over I was yo-yoing between owning what had happened and attempting to blame things outside of me. I would attempt to blame other people, events, circumstances, businesses and things, then eventually I had cleared out enough of my emotions on the whole thing to accept that YES it does all fall on me regardless if the biggest and craziest conspiracy known to man had occurred, it was still up to me to make it all right and of course move on.Yes people will take advantage of you if you allow them Yes people will lie, cheat, steal and conspire against you Yes people will always want more if you offer itThis is life, accept this and keep moving.4. Filter Your Team- I made many mistakes here, a few go directly against even my own rules and SOP but due to time constraints and budget I framed as my ‘only option’. Let me just say this now, when you’re desperate you usually don’t pull the greatest talent and you’re usually working with a lot of clashing agendas because again the deal was originally created out of desperation. This is unspoken and unseen but it's there...Over the last 6 or so years I have been hiring and firing outsourcers and remote workers, that is in fact one of my first hustles when I started to make money on the internet. Funny how you can still fall for cognitive fallacy even when you’ve already made those mistakes in the past.Now I want to note that I wasn’t even that deep in desperation but I could see how that altered my normal process in a big way almost like a laziness, so I wasn’t running people through proper onboarding, I wasn’t spending ample time with them one-on-one to get them hooked on the long term vision of the company, I wasn’t testing and training them to get up to my speed and most importantly I wasn’t picking up on their agendas and anchoring their own personal goals back to what we wanted to do as a company.Lastly I was giving more and more responsibility too fast without actually testing to make sure they could handle that and even at times I didn’t even ask if they wanted that responsibility just assumed they did.Some of these people I had known from before, we hung out many times and I felt I had a basic understanding of who they were and what was driving them. That being said I knew they were essentially a big gamble because they were prone to drug use and I know how that can affect people's decision making abilities.Slow and steady wins the race, if you have a short window till your event then speed up the onboarding process but ALWAYS stick to your process, no need to skip because you think you need to.5. Expectations With Team & Customers- I didn’t convey proper expectations with the attendees which I think would’ve even come back to bite me in the butt if everything went smooth, there would’ve been questions of “why didn’t we get more” because there wasn’t enough talk of the baseline “stuff they got” for attending the event. I thought this was an advantage to leave it a bit “loose” but think it was the exact opposite.The biggest error I see here was the lack of clear communication I had with the inner team on their compensation for their work at the event. I feel this is what led to almost all of them running off with gear and equipment, as if that was their payoff for something they were “owed”.Around the end of the event because nothing was documented all but one of the team members were flat out making stories up about specifics in conversations that in fact didn’t happen but because there was nothing documented and I was already in a low mental state I couldn’t recall so it led me to waiver in my decision making ability in many of those conversations.I felt like an ATM at the end, as people just said “hey you owe me money, give me this or that” I just did as I was just exhausted over the whole thing.This is also what lead to a lot of the victim driven thoughts I had at first, thinking “how could people do this to me”, haha easy- they justified their crappy actions based off too loose of expectations and agreement.I hold the belief that people are predominately good, but if you push too much of someone's edges like what I saw happen here, they will react in very unpredictable ways like what I experienced here.6. Don’t Over Commit To Satisfy- At many points in the lead up and during the event I felt like I had said yes to things I really didn’t want to say yes too, I was way too attached to the event being a success and I kept writing it off these new promises like “oh what's another ____”.I remember thinking several times right after saying yes, “why did I just say yes” which usually when I do that I will call myself out immediately and respond with something like “actually I have no idea why I just said yes to that, I don’t know if we can _______ it will depend on ______ let me find out and give you a clear answer” or sit with the question for a minute and then just say ‘no’.Again this points out just how attached I was to this thing all working, that led to a lot of bad decisions and broken promises which will never sit well with people because almost all of us have a memory of someone we know/like/trust/love breaking a promise and those aren’t associations you want for your name or business, it taints the milk.7. How To Actually Move On- All of this leads to an obvious question that I get asked all the time actually….“How the heck did you actually move on?”That is followed by advice to others on how they can move on faster after their own massive flops.First off I believe that with anything in life the sooner you can accept the current reality, the better off you will be. Next you have to be able to bring up that memory in your mind without it triggering a whole bunch of emotional memories and feelings, in fact when you recall it, it should be damn near neutral in terms of triggering you.The hardest thing I think for people is to drop the inner judgements, that voice inside your head that just keeps replaying the event and how it all went wrong with its layers of self guilt, making you feel stupid and silly for this or that.We have to be able to look at just the facts, drop the opinion and emotional crap and get clear on it all.Part of really getting down to the level of acceptance is to attempt to see from others perspective that were involved and see what could be causing them to be acting/thinking/behaving in the ways you dealt with during the meltdown and even afterwards how they are behaving with you.You must also forgive yourself, bottom line is you probably feel you didn’t give your best performance based on what you’re capable of but you did do YOUR best for that event because it's what you in fact did. Can’t argue with the reality of what happened.There is tons of room to grow in everything so in terms of the things you did that you really don’t like, look at how you can change your actions to build in new habits that support the subconscious behaviors you do want to display because remember in the high pressure situations we are pulling from the subconscious.If you want to change how you behaved it's just like rewriting code, you must get into the code base and change the statements and calls.Lastly you need to keep moving forward!Just like in a football game when lets say the kicker misses a super close field goal, in that same game you will see him make a kick from 2-3 times the distance as the one he missed. Its that short term memory to the emotional trap that they have gotten good at avoiding that leads to such fast turn around in their performance.Some people are literally shocked when I tell them I am going to host the same event again this year and do it all over again but differently, often telling me “bro you got balls”. It has nothing to do with that, if you make a mistake like that you gotta work to fix it as best you can and then get right back out there again. I feel like people are too quick to give up nowadays, you stop when you’re done not when things go wrong.So I have no idea if this year's will be the smashing success that I want it to be but I know that we will not make the same mistakes we made last year or I won’t even put it on.In Closing I have held onto the details of this story for months, partially because I wanted to make sure we mostly had cleared up the debt that we accumulated but also wanted to give more time to see what else I can learn from the experience itself to better serve with telling the story itself. I am a believer that story is an amazing tool for growth and healing and I would never tell a story that I didn’t think could impact people in a good way through the mistakes and experiences I had.Thanks for reading, feel free to ask any questions or reach out.Rooting for you!Shameless plug to blog: http://OptimizingMan.com

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