#like…. thanks now i have more anxiety

[pixlokita]

Someone: why are your hands shaking so much?

Me: oh i just have some anxiety.

Them: hahah, in olden times a good slap to the face would have fixed that right away.

Me:

Me: okay?

#wa sThat supposed to be funny #they laughed about it too #like…. thanks now i have more anxiety #pix habla #well that’s lovely #social anxiety #depression #hmmmmmm #i don’t get it #like if it’s a joke I really don’t get it #i got free food tho 👌

[canisalbus]

Not quite sure how to politely phrase this so I'll just be blunt, sorry, but would you ever open commissions? I'd pay big bux to get my priest mouse drawn by you

I do commissions extremely rarely, I'm afraid. It's not that I don't like drawing for people (or that I have no use for that extra income), I just can't handle the additional pressure and deadlines that well at all at the moment. Sorry!

#full disclosure #I've been struggling with severe depression and anxiety for over a decade now #it seems like I get completely disproportionate performance anxiety every time #it tends to make me lowkey freak out to be frank #I'd love to be able to do commissions at least a little bit more regularly in the future #but think I have to somehow get my mental health situation under control first #if I want to reach the level of professionalism and reliability that is necessary and required for the job #thank you for the interest though! It's good to hear there would be takers if I actually did the thing #answered #cawsket

[mel-loly]

-I'm back, my dear people! Did you miss me? :]

(I hope so, because it took a while for me to find time to come back- also.. sorry for the bad art😃👍)

#hey everyone!! I'm alive :DD #are you all okay? I hope so! and if not. I hope you be better soon❤️ #(I basically took this time off because because I wasn't well.. I was really and really bad... #with several anxiety attacks and depression problems again.. thank god it got better and now I feel okay ^^ #also- a lot of things changed in my life and I still haven't managed to organize everything.. as well as the drawings... #I have just a “few” drawings to post.. but I hope you still like it and bear with me :'] #I promise to do more and answer you guys when I have time! <33) #a little spoiler: there will be some new things coming to this blog- hope you guys like it :D <33 #i'm back! #i'm mel and this is my blog✌️ #my art blog #art #my art #my art <3 #art mel #my art style #mel designer #mel loly #my oc character #tw vent #? #random vent

[red-flagging]

💛 seb/lewis :-)

(kiss fic prompts!)

a little epilogue to rabbits are chasing :)

Lewis's flight lands at 8:02PM, which means that by 7:31PM, Seb is parked outside the airport arrivals door, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel and scanning the sky for approaching planes.

It's quite silly, getting here so early, but it's not as if there's much left to do at home. There's roast vegetables waiting in the oven, the cauliflower steaks that he started marinating earlier this morning chilling in the fridge. Mina and Ellie are safely ensconced in their duck coop with the heater turned on for the night. The sheets on the guest bed are freshly washed.

The car parked behind him starts up. Its headlights illuminate Seb's cabin. For a moment, he catches a glimpse of himself, harried and too-bright, in the rearview mirror. He scrubs his hands down his face. Christ. Get it together, Sebastian. He is a full 39 years old. Far too old to be getting the same jitters that he did the first time he invited a girl over at age 17, agonizing about what album to have playing when they came back to his room. Lewis is far too old for Seb to be doing all this. Lewis might not even be gay.

His phone buzzes. Seb nearly jumps out of his seat.

Lewis

just landed

getting my luggage now

hows it so freaking cold here

The inside of the car is already fogging up. When he'd asked Lewis to send dates he could come visit and Lewis had said just so you know the next few months are kind of crazy for me, Seb had expected late fall, maybe the holidays. Not the middle of slush season, when all the roads up the mountain have a 50/50 chance of being so muddy that they're undriveable.

Sebastian

I'm outside, in the blue Infiniti :)

He glances back up at himself in the mirror. The scab from where a wood chip caught the corner of his eyebrow while he was sanding the new planter box is almost healed over. His hair looks as good as it's ever going to. If Lewis asks whether he's been using conditioner, he's fucked.

It shouldn't feel like this. Seb beat Lewis to Senna's record, and Lewis still laughed at all his jokes the next season. Lewis watched Seb DNF twice in five races and still said in the media pen that he was waiting for the day Seb would be back up on the podium with him. When they inevitably auction off Lewis's Le Mans racesuit, it'll have to be with Seb's snot all over the front of it, because Lewis let Seb sob all over him and then laughed as he wiped sweat off of Seb's cheek with the sleeve. After all that – the fact that he's about to be in Seb's house for the next week shouldn't make Seb feel like he's standing in front of Lewis naked, without even the promise of a fast car or a good competition to distract Lewis from looking right at him.

His phone buzzes again.

Lewis

outside i think

Seb peers through the windscreen. Lewis – or rather, the blurry figure lugging a giant suitcase behind him that he assumes is Lewis – waves at him from the sidewalk. Seb flashes his lights at him twice.

The back door opens and Lewis's head, along with a burst of cold night air, pops in. "Hey," he says, a little breathlessly. "I don't think this is going to fit in the back."

It does, eventually, but not without a fight that involves Seb having to climb into the trunk alongside Lewis's suitcase and physically wrestle it into place while Lewis shoves from behind. They're both out of breath by the time they finally climb back in the front and slam the doors shut.

"You know, there are beds at the farm," Seb points out. "You didn't have to pack your own."

Lewis shakes his head, tugging off his gloves. His coat collar is turned up around his neck. He's wearing an an ear warmer headband, held in place by two butterfly pins. Every other bit of uncovered skin is pink, even with the heat in the car up at full blast. Lewis shoves his fingers in front of the vents and sighs with relief, closing his eyes. "Ugh, thank God," he says. He sounds exhausted. "Listen, you're lucky I fit everything into one." It sounds far less like a joke than Seb would hope. The fact that the fondness in Seb's chest still manages to outweigh the exasperation is probably a sign that Seb's beyond salvation.

"Next time I'll bring a trailer so you can fit your bathtub and toilet, too," he says, reaching for the keys. The engine purrs to life as he flicks the lights back on, then leans forward to scrub the worst of the fog off the windscreen. The thermometer on the dash says it's still 3 degrees outside. They might still be able to make it back before the slush freezes over. "Okay," he says, sitting back down and twisting around to reach for his seatbelt. "Ready to go?"

Lewis doesn't say anything. When Seb looks over, he's staring out the front window, playing with one of his rings.

"Lewis?" Seb asks.

Lewis's head jerks around. "Hm?" he says. "Oh. Yeah." He doesn't move to put on his seatbelt.

Seb frowns. Kills the engine so he can properly turn in his seat. "Lewis," he says. "Is everything –"

Lewis leans across the console and kisses him.

It's barely half a second. Seb still hasn't moved by the time Lewis sits back down on his side of the car.

"Uh," Lewis says, after a second. He clears his throat. "Sorry. I just – Shit. Sorry. The whole way over, all I could think about was – I had to get it over with before I chickened out."

He's fiddling with his rings again, but his eyes stay fixed on Seb's. His jaw is set. He still looks half-ready to bolt through the door behind him, out into the night.

"Well, you don't have to make it sound like taking your medicine, Christ," Seb says hoarsely, and drags Lewis back across the console to kiss him properly.

Lewis's lips are still cold. When Seb opens his mouth, Lewis sighs, pressing in closer with a soft sound that makes Seb want to go twenty years back in time and kick himself for not figuring out how to make Lewis make that noise sooner. His hands settle on Seb's wrists, holding him in place. Seb slides his own hands up, cradling the back of Lewis's head, to return the favor.

When he finally pulls away just far enough to catch his breath, Lewis follows him, close enough that their noses bump. His eyes are wide. This close up, Seb can see the dark circles under them more clearly.

He closes his eyes. Lewis is still there when he opens them.

"How long have you been awake?" he asks.

Lewis blinks. "What," he says. "Are you talking about."

"Sleep deprivation," Seb says. His heart is pounding hard enough that he feels it in his throat. "People start to get delirious when they're tired enough –"

"I was awake for 24 hours and I didn't kiss you at the end," Lewis interrupts, his eyes sharp and bright. "I'm not making the same mistake twice."

Seb opens his mouth and nothing comes out. He tries again. Still nothing.

"Fuck," he says, closing his eyes. "Okay. Okay." He drags himself back upright and reaches for the keys. "We can – tomorrow. But we should – you need to shower. And sleep." Lewis's hand settles on his leg. Seb rests his own on top of it; after a second, he squeezes Lewis's fingers gently. Lewis flips his hand over and laces their fingers together.

"Yeah," Lewis says. His thumb traces over Seb's knuckles. "That – tomorrow sounds good."

The slush crackles under the tires when Seb starts to move. Ahead of them, the headlights carve a path through the darkness. Lewis's hand is a solid, steady weight against his leg. "Okay," Seb says, to himself, to both of them, to no one. Lewis hums softly from his side of the car. He squeezes Seb's knee gently.

Seb closes his eyes for a second. "Okay," he says quietly. "Yeah. Let's go home."

#my fic #collarboen #rpf #sorry to possibly?? retcon the fade to black kiss at the end of rabbits are chasing and be like PSYCH it took 9 months after that...but in #my heart this has always* been the truth #*i came up with it ten minutes into brainstorming this prompt but now i'm attached to it and have accepted it into my heart and home #the post-retirement post-gay awakening post-journey of self acceptance slow burn slash anxiety spiral #that happened over the 9 month interlude on lewis's end is left as a thought experiment for the reader :) #thank u for giving me an excuse to write this autumn :) #i am slowly making my way through the rest of these lol ty to everyone who has sent them in they've been so fun!! #you are welcome to send in more but just be warned that the next batch will probably take. much longer lol. but i will keep doing my best 🫡

[feline-evil]

Hiding my shirt that says 'i am not normal about narratives that imply an inanimate inhabited structure is a living breathing organism' as i walk into a board room and pitch my idea that we should make more horror revolving around living architecture

#jay talkin #I JUST. I JUST. i'm thinking about old haunted house movies that have this grimy sticky feeling to the house #where the evil is not just afflicted to wood and bricksbut eminates from it as a hatred #the house itself hates you. the voice screaming get out is born on the vocal chords of the hallway #i am also thinking about The Hotel the podcast you should all already be streaming CHOP CHOP CMON NOW #which is of course a more unique and i would say more abstract sister to this concept #(said deeply positively the concepts and horror explored make my brain ping pong rapidly) #which is another reason you should be listening because it does its own thing that i think you should listen to and discover yrself :) #(and also it is far more than this this is just a tiny SLITHER of what is explored go listen NEOW) #and i am also thinking about. drum roll please. you know whats coming. yes it could be nothing else #kitty horrorshows anatomy which is TO THIS DAY one of the best and most influential games upon me i have played #a game that pushes this concept to its core grotesque emotional fleshy pulp and runs with it #anatomy is a game that breeds in anxiety and discomfort and bleeds a sincere love in the horror it portrays #that love is something i yearn to see in horror media! it is also present in the hotel AHEM AHEM #but yes anatomy is an experience like no other that you really should experience for yourself #(glances down at my shirt) um. um ok so ill leave the board meeting now thank you for listening #dear god my pain medcin kicked in and i instantly became the worlds least normal man didnt i. WELL!!! thats all of youse problem now

[incorrect-riordanverse]

im so mad that this is a side blog account and not a main account. i started this blog when i was still relatively new to tumblr and i think i was… like. fourteen years old or something. i never thought i would continue for this long, and i never knew so many people would like the content i put out here (i have over 9k followers which is literally mind-blowing, like wow….).

because this isnt a main account, i cant respond to replies left on my posts, i cant really reply to anyone unless i reblog !! i cant even follow people with this blog, it just comes up as my main blog (which is not pjo-related… rip my failed attempts at organising my fandoms to different blogs). so my avenues of interaction with a lot of you are seriously impeded.

so i just want to say i am so thankful for all of you, i read every single person’s tags who reblog my stuff, i read all of your replies and every time im crying screaming rolling around on the ground in agony over the fact i CANT REPLY!!

i know my posts are super inconsistent these days, im glad so many are still here! i think i may change some of my content eventually (never gonna get rid of the incorrect quote stuff, i’ll just be adding some other things like pjo headcanons or analyses or something), just to spice some stuff up on here.

#also! im currently writing a fantasy book rn and have been so stressed over the fact that authors are expected to have a following before— #—reaching out to agencies with a manuscript. and i seriously stress about creating a following. #so my backup plan is literally you guys. my four year old pjo account on tumblr with its silly little quotes 😭😭 #and like. if that works. could you imagine. that you guys may actually save my future ??? like?? i love you guys for just following me bc ?? #YOU MAY SAVE ME FROM THE CAPITALIST PRESSURES OF SENSATIONALISING ONES OWN ART FOR INVESTED SUCCESS YAYYYYYY #anyways im not going to promote it now bc its still in the first draft area. not near for me to even go thru revisions yet. i may never- #-promote it on here. i dont want to annoy people with suddenly changing tracks. and i def wont transform this blog into a self promo for me- #-thats never going to happen! i would make another blog for it but for now everything’s just an idea! #i just wanted to say thank you because this has been giving me so much anxiety especially since graduating high school. the problems of— #—trying to be an author have become more pressing and immediate for me. i hope it will happen one day but who knows #you guys give me confidence though. and i literally cannot thank u guys enough (I HATEEEEE THE CAREER ANXIETY) #not riordanverse #not incorrect either #for followers #rewriting #sorry for the whole essay in the tags ☠️

[unfunnyaceartist]

Me when @kovox

#Help I feel bad for tagging him but everyone told me I should #I don’t wanna bother him more than I already have😭😭😭 #social anxiety is telling me he’s gonna hate me even though I know that’s not the case #If you’re seeing this Michael #Hi! Sorry to bother you again #What is this? Like the fourth time now? #Thank you so much for being so sweet and patient #aces art

[itspileofgoodthings]

also I had this moment when my high anxiety kicked in and I was like. about to undo everything and every conclusion I reached and I just heard “your God is a faithful God” in my mind and then I cried

#and like. I still had another wave of anxiety the next day??? #like the storms still came and have not quite subsided even now #but also I just had this flash of revelation that God is not trying to trick me or embarrass me #or trap me. and He didn’t make me not to be myself #or not to use my gifts or stay frozen in place #and the gifts are smaller than I thought. I am smaller. my own importance (in my mind) shaken up #and yet I am loved and seen so clearly and so deeply and I am not meant to be different #or twist myself into knots that feel impossible or that make me feel like I’m being suffocated #idk I’m rambling. It’s been a lot. A LOT. SO MUCH. there has never been more #and I know I say that a lot. anyway thanks for listening #it’s nice to be in England seeing beautiful things and drinking tea

[padawansuggest]

Annnnnnnyways. That comment had me so fucked up that I forgot to eat for over 8 hours and now I’m gonna throw up if I don’t cause I need to take my pills :/

#seriously the anxiety is why I stopped writing and now here we are again :/ #like buddy I am an actual human being throwing up because of anxiety from your comment and you still have the audacity to call yourself #the victim as if that’s actually what happened #I’m sorry you chose to be angry at my boundaries and pissed on them????? #im sorry you got angy that you were supposedly more disabled than me but you def aren’t #I’m sorry that you chose violence when I decided to give you guys a christmas update #I’m im super upset that I got really bad comments on that chapter I worked so hard on #like thanks I was having the best day ever till I saw that and then I couldn’t leave my room or eat for nine hours #because of anxiety… yikes. you really chose to attack for nothing #I set a boundary but that was against your religion or some shit I guess #comment etiquette

[moeblob]

i've been getting a lot of fomo of seeing all my friends and mutuals playing baldurs gate 3 and was tempted to buy it. then seeing you drawing fanart and seeing it on my dash made me look inside myself and acknowledge my true self and desires... so i bought pioneers of olive town. its in the mail, but im excited for it to arrive. :)

YEAH ITS SUPER CUTE IMO !!! I don't even have a console/PC capable of BG3 so I totally get the thought of 'oh im missing out' but I really enjoy the relaxing farming games... I'm super flattered to hear my love of these games influences people to try em out - that my love shows enough to make people curious. Thank you anon for sending this (I immediately screamed at three people on discord after seeing this bc holy moly truly high honors here).

#moe talks a lot #sos pioneers of olive town #listen its immensely flattering to have someone decide to skip a super popular and current game #to just go farming ... #like im always stunned when my art MADE WITH LOVE FOR THESE GAMES makes people curious #then i get anxiety cause what if people dont like the games and i scream internally for different reasons #ive somehow gotten people to buy potion permit and sdv (or returning to sdv after a while) #ive somehow convinced people to get dark deity and tales of arise and im like #h...how..... but thank.... for telling me..... #i really love the games i draw for and that it shows is always a huge confidence boost in my art #cheers anon i hope you enjoy it! i really want to draw more for this game now to have the characters talk #about what dnd or rpg classes theyd be so i might cave and do that at some point while still posting for #a different game as well since im really trying to draw for a different game every day this month #but this is just .... immense to hear and inspired me to think about classes for the cast lmao

[inkykeiji]

>.<

#tw clari overshares #i really need to start making new friends on here and being more active #but the issue is just the mere *thought* of that fucking terrifies me #just typing out that single sentence has my heart pounding and my hands shaking and my stomach churning #i really wish i was kidding or over-exaggerating #i want so badly to make new friends and be active in a little community on here again #but i’m so so so scared #(of what?????????? of what!!!!!!!!!!!) #bring me back to 2020 clari who talked to people despite the anxiety and was so damn active and was having an absolute blast!!! #what happened to her!!!!! #she got really sick i guess #it’s crazy like sometimes i just scroll through my archive and i can SEE it #i can see myself getting sicker and sicker and withdrawing more and more #feeding into the fear and letting it win #and now i’m here #in this hole that i’m going to have to claw myself out of IN SPITE OF the terror i feel #i miss being a part of this community so much #i miss being able to post little drabbles willy nilly and not having breakdowns over them not being perfect #NOT obsessing over my own work and flaws it may have #i miss having fun #YES my writing is extremely important to me and YES i want to one day write for a living in some capacity #but since when did that mean i had to cut everyone off??? seclude myself in a protective little bubble??? #the only person who can fix this is me #(obviously hahaha) #it’s about time i put on my big girl pant(ie)s and faced that fear head on #i’m so sick of it dominating and controlling so much of my life #why did i let it take something so fucking important to me??? #i have to end it!!! #if u got this far in the tags: thank you and i’m sorry for venting #i just feel like i NEED to say this

[cerise-on-top]

Sorry if anything sounds weird, English isn't my first language. But could you write a Farah x reader that gets flustered quickly?

Also, mentioned that you had a moth demon OC in the tags of one of your posts, she sounds cool! Could you show her? If you can't no worries 🫶

Hey! Don't worry about your English, it's fine ^^ And yeah, I do have a moth demon OC! Her name is Arya and I love her dearly! The one above is a picture of her in her human form drawn by Castawolf on Etsy and the picture below is one I drew when I was 17 or so! I never said I was an artist, I can't draw at all, so that was the best I could do back then! She'd be beige and a lot more fluffy, though :3 She was kind of inspired the the Radiant from Hollow Knight! Useless trivia, I know, but I just get so excited whenever I get to talk about her!!

Farah with a Reader who gets Flustered Easily

Farah would have a field day with you from time to time. While she won’t go out of her way to fluster you each time, she sometimes will do so. It’s just too cute, the way you go quiet, stumble over your words or fumble around a bit. Yes, she knows that she has to maintain the trust between the two of you, and thus she shouldn’t be playing around with you too much, but come on! It’s so much fun! Sometimes she just has to tease you about it as well and watch you get defensive over your behaviors. It’s all just too endearing to her. Sometimes Farah will stand closer to you than necessary, touch you a bit more than needed, like holding your face in her hands when you won’t stop looking away from her, or just straight up compliments whatever it is you’re doing. If you’re especially close, then she might just give you a kiss to your cheek to watch you hide behind your burger, for example. While she may not be the most cuddle-seeking person out there, she’ll offer you more hugs than usual, if just to watch you freeze up and go speechless. However, only she is allowed to fluster you like that, anyone else needs to grow up and leave you alone. Anyone else could be malevolent and tease you the wrong way. No, she can’t have that. If you’re flustered because of someone else, then Farah won’t take too kindly to it. You’re hers to fluster and no one else. This may or may not be because of the crush she has on you, but she would never admit to such a thing. As far as you’re both concerned she just likes to tease you. But never too harshly, she doesn’t want to see you cry either. Will tone it down a bit if it’s obvious you’ve become uncomfortable and apologize, but it will happen again, I can assure you of that.

#cod #cod x reader #farah karim #farah karim x reader #Farah is honestly so cute I've definitely come to appreciate her even more ever since people started sending in more requests for her #as of late the number of requests I've gotten for her is insane #for the girls in general I'd say #I wake up and all I see are Valeria Farah and Laswell #every day I am haunted by those pretty girls and I get to write for them #also thank you for asking about Arya!! she's my girl and I adore her!! #I actually played as her in my DnD campaign and in BG3 as well! #back when I used to be in the selfship community I used to selfship with her as well #even now I like to imagine her and I being very close! she's a good friend of mine I'd say! helps me get through anxiety inducing situation #I know you didn't ask but she's a mischievous and somewhat cocky asshole who can be a sweetheart as well #I actually created her during my DMCV phase. good times #I just thought it would be really cool to have a demon OC! #so naturally I commissioned someone to draw her! and I commissioned such a great artist for that!! #castawolf is genuinely amazing! I've worked with them twice now and I am so satisfied!! #One of these days I'm gonna share some more art I commissioned because there are some pieces that make my heart sing with glee #but for now I am far too shy to do so haha #anyway if Arya is as much as mentioned I will go mental and talk nonstop about her. but unfortunately there's a tag limit #you'll go free this time anon haha

[flower-zombie-rob]

https://youtu.be/GnndBPn77zM

So this is going straight the fuck away in like ten minutes but i made a chase brody inspired short film for a project i was assigned(im a film student) and i just thought it might be nice to share that with the communuty that inspired it, right?

Its nothing special, just me experimenting with filmaking elements and attempting a one-man-crew project just to strengthen my skills(cinematography, lighting, scripting, location recce, pre-production paperwork etc) so thats all to say the moment you start cringing click the fuck away please thank you

#please i beg of you dont say anything mean about it because the more time goes on the less and less i like it #im putting it here because i finnished the final edit today and im shoving it up before i have the chance to hate it too badly #also my face my face i dont like putting my face in this place i dont like violating my privacy like this too often so dont focus on my #face please thank you id apreciate a lack of speculation about me personally #my anxiety is going through the roof fr right now please be good to me #also yes my nose is huge and my face is a bit of a travesty its true #kinda wish id done my hair better on the days i filmed this #oh well #hopefully 5000 FUCKING POUND STERLING WORTH OF FILMING EQUIPMENT PAID OFF HUH #5000 POUNDS WORTH JUST SITTING WITH ME ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND RIPE FOR A MUGGING #jacksepticeye #chase brody kids #chase brody #fan film

[voraxiia]

remember there was a time when i said i wouldn't know how to quit tumblr

( there's a small rant going on in the tags but the point is i miss it here ok and i hope everyone's having a splendid day / week / month and your favourite treat is on sale bc you deserve it )

#// i would like to thank my parents and teachers and everyone who convinced me to be a doctor #// i now have raging depriety and gastritis and there are firecrackers in my knees everytime i even slightly bend them #// i also cry when people are nice to me bc i'm used to being treated like i'm a dumbass b*tch #// and people refuse to teach you how to handle things so that when there are urgent situations they can take time to insult you #// instead of idk give instructions/orders what to do to be useful #// like if you really wanted to do everything yourself just shut up and do it it's quicker that way #// ' what are you doing ' idk waiting for you to send the link to access your brain and download the information we should magically know #// also bc i already have a diagnosis it's more tricky to ask for a leave for some reason #// bc apparently it'll easily become ' proof ' that i'm not fit for the job after all and 7 years of hard work and money will go to waste #// and i haven't even gotten my first paycheck #// so of course it would be better to wait my turn for 2.5 hours at the ED with a ' less severe ' diagnosis for the day #// like oh no my tummy hurts so much for some reason today but it's totally not bc of anxiety pfft what's an anxiety

[opens-up-4-nobody]

God. One of my little sisters is such a bitch. She's done me some genuine damage in exacerbating my already social bad anxiety. But when I have dreams where she's been hurt or killed, it's so horrible bc she's still my lil sister :-(

#its bc last night my dad had a dream she was in a car wreck. he transferred that anxiety onto me #shes such a bitch tho.just like intolerant of things she doesnt understand. and she does not understand my unwell brain #i think she likes my youngest sistsr best now. which fair bc i do too but we used to be besties. we used to explore in the woods together #and play ellos and barbies and legos and poly pockets and magnets. and now we never text eachother. its sorta sad #its not just me tho. my youngest sister and i have a 4 year gap so we weren't really interacting much when were were little bc she was too #bby to me but shes such a genuinely lovely person now. shes a special ed and preschool teacher. i asked her mom how she ended up with both #of my sisters bc my middle sister is the most like entitled person i kno. like my parents r very generous and she doesnt think for a moment #about not accepthing things from them. she thinks shes owed that amd more. its so strange #and my mom was like. thank goodness i got the youngest bc otherwise id think something was wrong with me #im prob somewhere in the middle of them. my brain is just more fucked up so like im greatful but im struggling. theres not a ton of like #really obvious mental illness in my family tho. just here and there someone should b diagnosed and get a bit of help. my uncle is the only #other one who could possibly be bipo1ar but hes also got a lot of problems: severe adhd and possibly b0rderline. so it could just b that but #my dad says when u talk to him sometimes things just doent make sense bc hes had convos in his head wuth you so he thinks u kno already #idk. its interesting tho #unrelated

[dredshirtroberts]

yeah guys idk I'm just thinking maybe the lightheadedness and desire to sit down about halfway through putting away groceries my whole life might not have just been a reaction to the way my parents were when i was a kid and the accompanying anxiety and sudden flurry of movement, but also possibly maybe i have a Health Thing about this...

#thank god i finally scheduled that doctor's appointment #Jan 15 cannot come quickly enough tbh #like i've streamlined getting shit put away and i hurry as soon as the wooziness starts hitting because i know i'm on borrowed time #and that's when the trauma reaction kicks in of ''i can't stop halfway through i'll be in trouble'' anxiety #because i *enjoy* putting away groceries and organizing the kitchen #i just also can't without a lot of assistance and plenty of spoons and time to prepare myself physically and mentally beforehand #this post brought to you by i had this realization doing the groceries and now i'm having like a lot of thoughts about it #i can't do it all in one go ever and i have never been able to without someone else handling about half of it #no matter how much i get or of what i can only get about half put away before time's up and i gotta sit down #it's why so much of my food was non-perishable when i was on my own #cause i'd get the cold things put away because they *had* to be #and then i couldn't physically do any more - especially if the groceries that week were more cold than non-perishable #but like yeah if i had to stop or take a break in putting away the groceries (despite also having gone to the grocery store #and walked around the whole store and grabbed items AND carried the heavy things into the house because i was the heavy lifter #AND i was in sports and had probably either just done a lot of exercise or was still in recovery from the day before/earlier that day) #i got fussed at for not helping out #so that's fucked up and fuck my mom actually she sucks #ugh