#long ass vent post

[aemiruo]

2-04-24: Yesterday night I had an anxiety attack..

I am not going to help my English with translation so, if you are reading this, sorry for the misspelling.

I had a lot of thoughts on my head, most of it are bad.

To put some context, I am non binary, and I have been doing some papers and things to change my name, and also change my ID gender, which it only goes by M and F. In my country is not legal at all to use a X in the gender section, so it has to be done via legal and courts stuff.

That would not be a big problem is society could see me as I am, specially my family. They still ignore how actually hard is to live in my skin. They had no idea, they don't care. Why would they care? I don't ask for them to understand me, I just ask them to respect me.. Which sometimes, is quite hard. I stopped fighting with them for this, so we just continue living (barely to me) and they think everything is alright.

I feel my gender identity is like a joke to them, specially to my sister. For some time she respected my pronounces and such, then one day she become a total asshole and told me the most hurtful words that nobody ever told me, and become the side kick of my mom. My relationship with her is strange, I like her because she is my mom but I don't feel she likes me for being their child, I might be a rare thing to her. I am not like her first born son, and never will be like her perfect middle daughter. But she likes to know about my life by others, and my sister tell her everything she can found about me online. That's how their work. I have a bunch of secret social media thanks to old stalkers I had. Now my family is my own stalker.

But that is not everything. She insulted my partner, she insult me. My partner and I are neurodivergent and from the LGBT+ community, to be specific, under the Transgender umbrella. So we both know how hard is the world for us and the struggle to do everything and not be seen as we are. My sister said basically she understand us but we are not a big deal, we are not the center of the world, we are not special and such.

Oh Romina.. we know, more that you. We have been surviving until now. Neither you nor society and the government as well care a damn shit about people like me, people like us. You have no fucking idea, you understand nothing. We both are stronger than you would never be. You don't have identity/gender problems, you don't have to be hurt by everyone who misgender you because you will never be misgender. You are not hurt by our parents words because you are perfectly fine for them. You know nothing. You are an idiot.

Last Monday my mom asked me why I don't like to see my sister anymore, why we don't get along.

"Well, mom, you, dad, my bother, her partner, that sister, her partner and their dog are about to go to vacations together. Organized by her and she did not invited me. You should ask her about it"

The anxiety attack wasn't just for that, for the thought of that everybody should be better without my existence, but also for my lack of happiness when I work at my area. I wasn't enjoying art, I barely write now. I want to be happy with the things I like to do again. I want to change my name, I want to people respect me. But I'm invisible. I feel alone most of the time.

They went to vacations as the family they are, the perfect one. Do not take me wrong, I'm glad they had a happy time as a family. I know I'm not included at all in their plans anymore because is complicated to me to go out with me (besides my sister don't like me). Is hard to me to go out to places I donot feel comfortable, to be around people who are going to missgender me every second. They do not have any flaw anymore.

I'm working on my mental health, I'm taking medicine and other things that works.

Yesterday night, it just explode, everything I was feeling during the last 2 months.

I am better I want to belive. I'm with my partner and my cats. They bring me joy, happiness..

#ae's head mystery #long ass vent post

[tea-cat-arts]

Star Rail players who complain about sapphics being in the game are like people who order broccoli and cheddar soup and then complain that there are vegetables in it

#honkai star rail #vent post #this is more me complaining about comments I've seen on Instagram. idk what the tumblr conversations look like #cuz this site is both gayer and easier to block tags on #but anyways- do these people just like... not know a single thing about hi3??? #cuz sapphics have always been a part of this universe #heck I'd even argue that sapphic characters are what made mihoyo successful as a company in the first place #wild that people expect mihoyo to just kick us out now that they're famous #anyone who complains about two grown ass adults being shipped is a clown #(no i am not complaining about people who just don't like a ship and complain to their friends) #(as long as you leave fans of the ship alone I'm fine with you)

[abluehappyface]

I'm going to post what is I guess a story relating to my personal experiences being on this earth. This is mostly for my benefit. Look if you want I guess, but just know that there will be some potentially triggering stuff, but I don't know what it is, so I can't tag it right now

My Life as a Monster

You stare at me like I'm some sort of beast, a thing merely meant to be caged. Something you feel the need to be protected from. You watch, knowing that I can't get you from your bedroom window, at the spectacle you think I am. You aim your camera at me, the flash reflecting off the glass I sit behind, as you film and photograph me for no other reason except that I'm here. When I'm among you, you stare at me with mocking gazes, your eyes becoming yet another set in an endless number of pairs that make their way to dig into mine. No matter how well I think I'm camouflaged, you always sniff me out, and then you let me know how I'm unwelcome here.

I'm especially afraid of women. All humans my same age startle me, but women more so. Women have always been more scornful to me. They told me how unwanted I was for me to hear. They shunned me from their groups, leaving me an outcast as a child. Women do not like me, I know this as fact.

Their actions are always deliberate. Humans make it a point to leave me out, to the point I feel I'm not one. I may have lost my humanity, turned into a beast, or maybe both at once, but I know for certain that there are times where human is something I'm not. I may be the monster stuck inside a human husk that I think I am, or perhaps I'm an outcast being overdramatic, but I know that humans do not like me. I do not fit in. I am but a beast.

As if being ostracized as a child wasn't enough, you continue to gawk at me. What have I done to receive your judgement? Why must you hunt us beasts? Mother doesn't understand why I don't leave the cave, as if I ever could. If I leave the cave, the humans will stand watch, waiting to scout me out.

My existence is a worldly secret, and a secret I shall stay. If I seek out a place amongst the humans they will reject me. No human will want me as a partner or friend. I am a beast in a world where existence is a joke. To avoid their mocking eyes, the cave is where I stay.

I know humans are resilient beings, that they can choose to change, that acceptance of us monsters is not unheard of, but I do not depend on it. When you've lived the life of a beast, you prepare yourself for scorn. Your hopes mustn't be up too high, else you'll fall and break your horns. I wish I was the fuzzy, colorful beast that humans love, but I am not. I am a dark, shaggy beast, with curled, antler-like horns, fangs, claws, and eyes that glow white in darkness. I am not a friend to them, I am something to be hunted.

As much as I love being my beastly self, I fear being myself is what's causing my downfall. I don't want to change to make myself palatable to the humans. They do not deserve it after what has happened to me. Even so, a monster like me still wonders what connection can feel like. To think some humans tolerate me, like me even, but they live too far away... I wish I could be with them.

However, this is no longer the case. Past human friends have betrayed me, apart from one. I have no true desires to befriend humans. As my grandmother once told me, I'm "too monstrous and hostile" for friends. I'm to monstrous for everyone. I'm too monstrous for myself. The human body I reside in is just a defense from the humans around me. I feel no true, meaningful attachment to this body.

I am the metaphorical version of a kitten that wasn't socialized. I cannot connect with others. I do not connect with others. I'm not meant to. I am designed for solitude.

I'm just a creature who's strange. I know I should care not of what others think, and yet I still do. I care because I am afraid. I am still afraid of humans my own age, especially women. If I could get everything I needed without leaving this house, the world would never see me again.

I am such an irrational thing. Here I am, a potential gynephobe who's a lesbian being encroached upon by a beast. Here I am, knowing most people don't care about me, yet I still care enough in case they press record again. Humans could be nice, but I must distrust them for my safety. They'll never know me well enough to know this. I must make sure of it.

I feel it has gotten so hopeless that my younger sister feels that she needs to intervene. She does a lot of talking for me. She pulls at my arms to try and get me to speak with humans. Even if it was a joke, it made me realize how hopelessly helpless I am. She feels I speak to no one, and she is right.

Worst of all, I know that I must change. Eventually I'm going to have to provide for myself. I don't wish to tell mother of my beastly affliction, though I have no reason not to. I suppose I am a cautious beast. How cautious is too cautious I wonder?

The beastly affliction is affecting major parts of my life. I remain in the cave all day. I speak to no outsiders. I rely on my little sister too much. My mother says she feels she has failed me. I do not wish to be a defective child. I do not wish to be a beast. I wish I could cry beastly golden tears until I'm washed clean of my beastly essences.

I am a pathetic beast. I am not strong. I am a lowly creature. I am a strange thing that cannot be understood. I shall forever remain a beast, and society shall forever hate me.

I feel I am stuck in place. I don't often think about my beastliness, but when I do it feels paralyzing. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if it will change. I turn 20 in three days and I'm still the beast from when I was 16. I'm still the monster, I feel I forever will be. I feel the world has gone one without me, but I'm fine with that. I know nothing else at this point.

#pov you're a beast expressing how you feel after being ostracized and excluded from society‚ especially as a child #but irl im AM this beast and have been for nearly four years #all because my grandmother told me that I would be hostile and monstrous in tone for the rest of my life #and she's right because my autistic beastly ass could never sound like a pleasant human ever #and ive never talked about the possible gynephobia because ill likely be labeled a sexist #and I don't need any more reasons for humans to hate me #no i don't look like the beast i am on the outside‚ but there are days where I sure as hell feel it #most of the time I feel like im just some person‚ but other days‚ im a beast (and a father pathetic one at that) #so yeah‚ this is about me #im the beast in this 'letter' #bluey's miscellaneous posts #bluey's nonsense #bluey's beastly hours #bluey's vents #bluey's long posts #bluey's life #bluey's serious stuff #bluey's actual life #bluey's rambling #abluehappyface

[safyresky]

Scrimbly Jacqueline 19/20: I gave her a cloak. bitches love cloaks! (i'm bitches)

I also drew her staff! She has one, too :)

This nearly became Sorceress-Warlock Jacqueline from THIS AU. Didn't feel like drawing that fit tho so it's just regular canon Jacqueline, lol. (but picturing the scars and the eye patch she doesn't actually need but wears for the aesthetic was a FUN mental image at the beginning of the week! then the horrors persisted and I went WHO HAS THE SPOONS. NOT ME)

Drawing the whooshy cloak was fun. Colouring it was even MORE fun. I was going CRAZY last night trying to find a post I made where I described Jacqueline's staff?? I COULDN'T FUCKING FIND IT AND I S2G I READ IT THE OTHER DAY. LIKE EARLIER THIS WEEK. So hopefully my visual memory served me WELL and I don't find the post and go FUCKING EH at a later date, lol.

this scrimbly was very much a scrimbly lol. I think it took me like 10 minutes to doodle. I'm having a LOW ENERGY WEEK. Feelin burnt out af and dreading the weekend! Woo! Almost DIDN'T scrimbly! Thinking this week's little down spin is gonna push back Frostmas crossposting which is SUPER RUDE bc like. THE AESTHETIC. UPDATING ON THE UNLUCKY DAY. BOO!

RIGHT. DANI RANTS ASIDE, WANT SOME CS LORE/FACTS? BC I GOT SOME! WOO:

All four Frosts would pass the warlock test--the question is, do they fully embrace it? Fino does. Fiera does but like, second to the summer sprite training. Jack learns what's useful/what he wants/needs to. Jacqueline was FINE not warlocking, she's good with the snow, BUT Jack keeps nagging her to at LEAST take the test and when she passes it he's like c'mon. c'mon. warlock training. you know you want tooo I could teach youuuuu

She holds off for a VERY long time then gets schemey brain a couple of centuries down the line and goes for it. It's spoilery and I do want to keep this one close to my chest, BUT:

Essentially she learns that she has something someone needs/wants back and she can only do that by getting into the Warlock training! She uses this to try and bring two estranged people closer and when it doesn't go well she hits Jack up after hours and is like "so my plan is going. hmm. bad. let's start warlock training?" and Jack's like YEAH LET'S FUCKING GOOOO bc A) he told her so. B) he;s been wanting to get her started with the warlock biz for YEARS! AND out of ALL THE TEACHERS SHE'S COMING TO HIM (well. unofficially) and C) he is also enjoying the tea from her little scheme and about the two people in question, lol.

Anyway, enjoy the scrimble! Next week is some prohibition fun ft. Winter, I THINK. I'll have to check my notes 🤔🤔🤔

(and yes the heart clasp and pink in the staff are bc Dite)

#yes I HAVE been writing down the scrimble ideas as they pop in the noggin! #it's been HELPFUL LOL #richard found my old cs fact about dite lifting jacquie and xander like dumbells bc she stronk #so that's the week after next! lol #we'll see how that one goes :p #scrimbly jacquelines #dani speaks #dani doodles #cs posting #between mother's day fast approaching and having to go see her this weekend AND the MIL #and a very stressful sitch with a pal. #and general frustration this week #it is a recipe for DISASTER. AH. #good news: making a tres leches cake #turned out PROPER CRUMBLY and has been absorbing all tres leches all night #i can't wait to see how it turns out post work #AND i'm seeing something rotten this weekend so that's EXCITING #THERE ARE SOME GOODS IN THE BAD. BUT BOY THE BADS ARE STRESSFUL #it's actually very hard to balance two sets of families as a fun fact!!! #making time for richard's side and my side is HARD when one doesn't respect boundaries #and the other gets pissy and whiny when we try to divide time evenly #i need a month off. long ass vacation. somewhere with shit cell reception #ANYWAY. MIND THE VENTING IN THE TAGS. WHEE! SCRIMBLE! #i was like. meh about it last night #but this morning when i went to grab it i was like oh she's STUNNING #the hands aren't bad at ALL tho the thumbs got eated by her staff :( #crystal springs #FORGOR THE MAIN TAG LMAO #ocs #Jacqueline Frost

[p-p-panda]

Random art vent lol

I get tired of constantly pouring my heart out when asked about my stuff only for it to fall flat. Like why did they even ask me to begin with??? Just to tease me??? 😭 bruh

#this is very different than what I usually post #I don’t really like doing it but tbh this has been bothering me for the past couple of months in different places I’m active in #and it’s starting to become annoying #i listen to everyone’s lore and ocs or whatever the convo is only to end up with like one reply and they die on me. AND IT KEEPS HAPPENING #IN DIFFERENT Group chats #man I’m just so tired of even lore dumping all the time at this point 💀 #it seems like when I actually have the motivation to finally open up that’s when I get ignored the most :/ #I’m probably being a sensitive baby rn so I might delete this later. only wanted to get it off my chest #i can listen to other people talk for hours then the second I speak it feels like bore everyone 😔 #i only have like 1 or 2 people that actually listen to me when it’s my turn but most of the time I’m always listening. which isn’t bad but #man #it hurts and kinda makes me wanna cry lmao #and it makes me just half ass shit at this point when people ask about my ocs/lore since I don’t know if they want a tiny bit of info or #if they’re actually intrigued :/ I just give up now #ok I’m done this is way too long ahaha #vent #it’s not that I constantly want atteion because I don’t and I love listening to other people and sometimes when I ask they don’t talk to me #but will to someone els even when I’m super invested so idk at this point #😞 #i admit I have times when I’m shy but it mostly due to not wanting to wast peoples time anymore #ok I will shut to the up #gn #it’s like 1am for me #and I really don’t want people to ask only because of this post. trust me that’s not what I’m trying to do i swear. only getting out feels

[aiteanngaelach]

is it weird for a guy that used to have a crush on you but then found out you only like girls to follow you around join all your friend groups start working where you work join all your hobbies and groups decide to do the same course as you (even though he has literally no reason to do that course) call you ????fanny-licker (he's bisexual so its not outright homophobia except it is kind of) tell you 'you talk too much' when you talk for five minutes about your interests (when you have been listening to him talk for HOURS about his interests for the past two years) act really weird about you being transmasculine and make uncomfortable comments about binding and your ??tits?? and then disregard your boundaries again when you tell him you don't want him to keep apologizing (which he is only doing so you'll tell him it's ok) after you've told him to move on be really rude about your sister having a seizure and getting hospitalized and you thinking she had died and not asking once how she was ... Etc. Asking for a friend 😬

#Realizing how bad it is after writing it down! #Anyway just found out he's managed to get an invitation to this event I have been looking forward to for a full year #Long post #Vent #Rant #I know having a whiny long post like this on your dash is annoying I hope those tags help filter out people who would get irritated sorry😭 #I feel less than a person when I hang out with him like! I don't know how to tell him I just don't like him and don't ever want to talk to #him #Like he literally just sees me as the 'trans guy I can gush about dnd and warhammer to for hours' and then acts like im an ass when im a #Person with feelings and wants of my own. I would not CARE if he talked about his shit for days on end to me if he didn't tell me I talk #Too much when I try to talk about anything I like or act like I'm so weird 😭 the hypocrisy and self absorbedness is CRAZY out of him

[techn0tony]

Today is sucking a lot, and my anxiety has sky-rocketed, so I am going to be making an unreasonable amount of art to cope ... haha ...

#it's fine everything is great yep #aghhhh #not fine #but i will cope and seethe #vent post #it's way too much to explain #long story short my home/family/work/financial situations are just so ... not great ... #a lot of bad stuff has been kicking my ass almost constantly the past few weeks #i assure you though not all the art i'm making will be angst #i have some funny and wholesome stuff i will draw soon as well #art #artists on tumblr

[verratensduo]

((Idk why people are still propping up the ending. Literally the ending completely ruined Eren’s character. More so than every other bullshit “plot twist” Isyama through in there post time skip that made no sense with Eren’s previous character development. The ending just was the final nail in the coffin on a character assassination, the ending made Eren a fucking incel.))

#ooc #vent post #just getting this off my chest #don’t @ me in a long ass defense of that shit ending post #I will block

[gizmo-has-left-the-server]

im cringe

the lack of a place/circle/community for not even artists but for old early/mid/late 2000s web enthusiasts and web nostalgia enjoyers to just chat n congregate kind of... i dunno, makes me rly lonely. sometimes i feel like i am the only one left in here; i feel like a boomer lol. time marches on and the webz get more and more coorporate and predatory; i miss orkut, myspace, msn live messenger, old forums, old deviantart, blogspot enthusiasts, google+ even!! gaia online, neopets, webkins, club penguin, xgen studios n all of that jazz.

i seen a few ppl here n there that enjoy/like and engage in webnostalgia content and chill with ressurgence websites like neocities and sht like that. like am i missing something? where u all at? ;--;

damn the webz feel lonely as FUCK these days bro. :<

#old web #old web nostalgia #2000s #2000s web #2000s nostalgia #neocities #webcore #vent #where u all at #txt #long ass post #i think im experiencing ego death rn #bloggspot #blogger #myspace #orkut #msn #old deviantart #shit ton of tags #i have to go pee

[fizzycereal]

Man just a depressive wave just hit me hard

#i don't have a proper personality at this point #I'm scared of showing the real self about me #I'm scared #I'm scared of everything at this point #cw vent #I'm just faking my smile and how i feel #i can't even talk about my own personal experiences without feeling like someone will tell me that i am coping them or that they will yell #at me. #i have basically accepted death #and that's fucking scary that i have #i used to be absolutely scared of dying but now I just accepted it #like if i die tomorrow i would accept it. I'm scared. #vent post #tag vent #tw vent #I'm scared of the future. i can't talk about myself without even thinking that someone will yell at me or shit. #i don't fucking know what I'll do with my fucking life #i want some of my stuff just to be for myself #i want to make everyone proud of me #I'm going to be a failure. I'm scared #i'm worthless #sorry for venting #sorry for being depressing #sorry for this long ass rant #I'm sorry

[ruffgem]

im actually like giving up so hard rn its crazy like i know its normal for everyone to be burnt out at the end of the semester after break but i literally did nothing all day in class today, skipped my film lecture for two weeks in a row now, havent started the fucking presentation for my senior thesis NOR have i made nearly enough art for it, havent started my painting final, and also i have a film essay due at midnight thats currently a totally shit draft and im just like ummm idk i dont care i dont know how to care. i just want to lay down. draw a funny guy maybe. on the one hand its kind of awesome because i promised myself i would try not to people-please as much this year but on the other hand its lowkey scary becasue i feel like im losing the only thing that actually motivates me to do things in an academic setting (fear lmfao)

#at least i did my comic #i am excelling in one (1) class #sry for this long ass vent post im making it because im procrastinating the video essay that makes me want 2 throw up when i think abt how #much its going to suck to edit #its worth 15 percent of my grade but that thought isnt even striking fear into my heart anymore #its like ok i dont mind failing LM FAO #help...............

[gods-favorite-autistic]

Ah manic energy making me seem productive for a few days before a shitty mental health crash, I’d hoped you were dead

#I can’t even be happy about the productivity because it’s gonna end up shitty anyways #I’m just gonna hope it doesn’t leave me too tired for my spring show next week #see like it sucks because there’s no bright side or silly little jokes to be made about whatever the fuck does this to my brain #like with my autism I can make silly little jokes and jabs at it to lighten the load #with this i literally don’t even know what I’m dealing with beyond a suspicion of bipolar (maybe) there’s nothing fun to find here #always great to be in dance and energetic and happy and shit and then realize why you’re like this right now and be like shit #this ain’t gonna last for long will it #anyways haha silly little funny jokes right guys #sorry this is very venty #I’m just so fucking done with this shitty ass brain making my life shitty #vent post #vent

[t4tnalu]

I need someone to talk about dissociative stuff with. I'm losing it bottling everything up.

#maybe I'll just make a long ass vent post #💋

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

i hate my stepdad i hate my stepdad i hate my stepdad i hate my stepdad

#moogletalks #venting #hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate #he has thoroughly ensured that my immune-compromised ass he has already given covid repeatedly is about to get it agin #in ways that at this point feel malicious and intentional and even if it was 'just' a normal virus would be distressingly fucking disgusting #i hate him i hate him i hate him i guess this is my announcement that i'm about to be rolling the dice on whether i'll be able to #continue posting on any of my blogs or just disappear from the internet entirely thanks to (worse) long-term illness or death 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 #i want to fucking cry i hate him so much #covid cw

[kurokeip]

Ouuhhhvbhgh the anxiety of having people perceive me as krk mod... the way I Know people are talking about me and making assumptions about me... the way nobody will believe me even if I post an apology for the Fourth time. But I'll just end up doing it anyways because I Have to

#i wish i never had a public personaaaaa #i just need to stay unlocked until im done producing my little keychains and then i go back into the abyss #its genuinely so tragic bc i reflected and apologized for all of my missteps in like under 24 hours but people are still #posting cropped screenshots. #okay well even if i get a callout again ill just own up to my mistakes again... #not really that hard since it was just bad wording and I know what I meant to say and I Know im not bad... #probably the most annoying thing is the people that dont like me because of my Friends being problematic #which is whatever because ill defend ny friends too i know theyre good people #katsu and shu defender... Ive spoken to them for so long if they were weird or secretly pr0sh.p i would Know. #fuck the enstars fandom blocklist btw they still havent answered my ask where I sent them an archive of shu's apology post #theyre just ignoring it on purpose. 'good will' my ass. thats a normal fucking person #youre just inviting more harassment #i should tag these ummm #vent #i guess?

[spookybeandoodle]

Vent:

To be honest I kind of just want to disappear. I feel so horrible right now. I feel unloved, unwanted, I feel left out and I feel like I’m annoying. I don’t think anyone would particularly miss me. I think they’d be sad for a bit but move on pretty fast. I can’t imagine people actually caring about me. Pretty sure a lot of my friends aren’t really friends with me but are more friends with my girlfriend and they’re just nice to me to stay friends with her. She’s an amazing person so I understand I just thought they liked me too but it doesn’t really feel like that anymore. I feel like I’m so hard to like and not worth being friends with. I just hate myself and I think others hate me too. I wouldn’t blame them though. I’m such a deep pit right now and I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel like even if I told them they wouldn’t care as much but if it was someone else in the group they’d drop everything to help them. I just feel so detached from everything. I think I’m losing it and myself. It’s honestly scary. I feel like a loser, a failure, and a nobody. I hate myself. I hate myself so much.

#what are the odds that my post after not posting for soooo long would be a sad ass vent #it’s honestly so pathetic #sorry about that