Name: Swirlypod
Debut: Super Mario Bros. Wonder
YIPPEE YAHOO! A brand swirlin' new snail fresh for 2023! It has been quite a long time now since we've gotten a new Mario snail, and even since I've posted about one, since I covered all the snailiest Mario snails a while ago. But lookie here! Snaily snaily snail for me to see and for you to view!
Swirlypod is so delightful! To get this out of the way first, yes, its eyes are not on the ends of stalks. Yes, this is good and okay. Some snails are like that! Especially freshwater snails. And that's the kind of snail that this snail seems to be! While sometimes seen on land, it is also seen emerging from (poisonous) swamps. It can breathe that!
Swirlypod's face is just so, so precious. Its big, innocent, curious eyes experiencing the world in the way only a snail could! Its big ol' bulbous antennae, more bulbous than they have any right being, more like a nudibranch's than a normal snail's! And its mouth! I think that's its mouth? It's like three scrumbly tentacles ready to scrumble down some delicious fungus!
Did you know that the salt marsh snail Littoraria irrorata is able to FARM fungus? They damage marsh grasses to create large wounds for fungus to grow in, and even use their own poop as fertilizer! Snails can FARM!
Yes, indeed, what a wonderful snail we have here! Thank you, Super Mario Bros. Wonder!
...Hey! That shell comes right off! Now it's all Pod, with no Swirly! Does this mean Lime is The Impostor? I may have just asked you, but that was rhetorical. Don't ask me, because I don't know! Removable shells are a common ability for cartoon snails, and of course, the turtles of this world also have removable shells. I think it doesn't really mean much at all! Though, the idea of a "hermit slug" is very amusing. A snail who can't be bothered to grow its own shell. Maybe it wants to switch shells for different styles sometimes. A slow victim of fast fashion!
Wonder is one of those games where Koopa Troopas retreat into their shells when stomped, so Swirlypod is sort of a way to have Beach Koopa in the same game as the more standardly-behaving Koopa! Once it gets back on its foot, it will try to squirm back into a shell, if one is available. You can give it back! Just drop it down at your feet, and Swirlypod will have a home once more!
Another thing that sets Swirlypods apart from Koopas is that they are sticky slimy and can slither up and down vertical surfaces! Just like in real life! They don't only climb on the left and right sides of surfaces, either. They can even go on the surface facing the screen! Not just anyone is allowed to do that!
I am saving what may be the best tidbit for last! There is a good chance Swirlypod's bulbous antennae look familiar to you. That's because they look just like Leucochloridium paradoxum, the green-banded broodsac, everyone's favorite snail parasite! The flatworm that inhabits a snail's eyestalks, making them look more like caterpillars to get a bird to eat them so they can continue their life cycle! Swirlypod definitely isn't supposed to be like, ACTUALLY infected by this funny worm, but I think the resemblance is very much intentional, between the shape and coloring. And that is so awesome to see! This isn't even meant to be a scary snail or anything, but they represented a freaky parasite anyway!
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A funny little Bowuigi idea :
Luigi never goe on adventures with Mario (shhhh let's pretend it's true here).
He hears about it and all but whenever Bowser's here kidnapping Peach he's busy elsewhere, or is sick, or is engrossed in a game to thr point of missing out on the huge dragon turtle battle right outside his window.
So when one day Luigi takes a stroll in the forest and Bowser lands right in front of him after a thorough kicking-from-the-flying-fortress-by-Mario, Luigi's reaction isn't "oh no, Bowser !!"
But "oh no, someone's hurt, I gotta help-a them!"
Bowser wakes up in a cozy little green bed (Luigi is STRONG y'all don't realize, he can carry a big turtle boi) with a guy who looks very strongly like Mario bringing him food and asking him kindly how he's doing.
Usually Bowser's reaction would be :
Roar in anger
Send everything flying
Burn everything that reminds him of Mario
Stomp his way back home
Sulk
But as soon as he starts roaring, Luigi shrieks and shoves the entire plate of food in Bowser's mouth on reflex, which shuts Bowser up long enough to listen to the Green Mario babbling about what happened and he's so sorry he startled him (Bowser scoffs) and you shouldnt move right now your shell is cracked and do you have any family I could contact so they don't worry ?
And Bowser realizes.
This little guy. This "Luigi" guy." Who seems to be Mario's biggest fan given how he dresses and gushes about him.
Doesn't.
Know.
Bowser.
...
Well, there's free food, his shell IS cracked and he doesn't want to deal with Kamek's nagging and everyone's pity after another failed plan back home.
Plus, once he's bored of the pampering, revealing the truth will be one hell of a mean prank to play on that guy.
So he gets comfortable and braces himself for some holidays being spoiled by a Mario look-alike.
...except he's cuter. Just a bit.
*
Bonus 1 : Mario doesn't come home right away because he's spending his victory vacation with Peach, and when he swings by, through a peerfect comedy of errors, he doesn't see "Luigi's guest" well or long enough to recognize
Bonus 2 : someone who DOES know Bowser (like Toad) visits Luigi to catch up on news, and the whole time they're sweating bullets while sipping their tea as Bowser is giving them the nastiest "go on, tell him, I DARE you" smirk.
Bonus 3 : Bowser didn't connect the dots about Mario and Luigi's relationship because he doesn't want to assume every guy with a moustache is related. Look at Wario and Waluigi ! Most of his own kids are adopted, after all!
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bowser headcanons ft. gn reader ( ♡ )
bowser fans. monster fuckers. how are we feeling are we feeling fed. i am
to say bowser doesn’t quite understand healthy ways of expressing his feelings... is an extreme understatement.
bowser has this romanticized yet very callous conception of love. you do anything for love and it’s justified, so on and so forth.
this is why his kidnapping peach thing persists.
i want to say his “love” for peach isn’t... really love. he believes it to be love, but his feelings towards her aren’t the sort. this isn’t to say he’s abusive to her (the most he’s done is kidnap her and the whole situation lost it’s “distressing” impact Long ago). rather that bowser confuses his emotions a lot, and rather than think about it too hard, he just goes with whatever’s easiest.
~ pre-relationship
when you come in, bowser’s infatuation with peach is thrown out the window.
peach is grateful she’s not the apple of bowser’s eye anymore, but she does worry about you being his now.
i don’t imagine his attempts at “kidnapping” end well. either you kick his ass and tell him to go to therapy or peach comes to the rescue with mario (and they also tell him to go to therapy).
bowser, surprisingly (or maybe not-so surprisingly), takes it to heart. and he starts to realize his thing for peach wasn’t... what he thought it was.
he used to just kidnap her over and over again, try to win her over and over again; her rejection didn’t faze him, but he was almost expecting the triumphant feeling of Love (whatever that could possibly be) to just... show up during these attempts.
of course he’s a rough and crude turtle kaiju king, but there is a softness under that shell.
bowser, at first, tries not to think too hard about it. rejection didn’t really sting the way this did before.
he’s embarrassed to hell and back, refusing to speak on it and when it’s brought up by kamek (”quit moping about the rejection, your highness”) he gets red in the face and his body stiffens like he’s turned to a statue, his voice loud and cracked (”I’M NOT MOPING, SHUT UP *tearing up*”)
when he is eventually forced to face his embarrassment and the stinging pain of rejection, he tries to think of ways to legitimately apologize. and if that works out, he definitely plans on winning you over.
and speaking of that apology, he definitely tries to chicken out at first. he’s so embarrassed. he’s the koopa king, for pete’s sake! he’s the leader of his army, he’s a ruler to be feared! yet he cowers at the thought that you’ll send him back with his tail between his legs.
he apologizes in person, despite how many times he begged to just send a note or something and kamek would have to hit him on the head with his staff (”i didn’t raise you to apologize over a note, your highness.”).
you can tell he’s genuinely sorry. there’s shame in his expression; he can’t quite look you in the hand, he fiddles with his hands, and he coughs when the words don’t quite want to come out. but when he apologizes, he does mean it.
it probably takes a bit for you to forgive him because he did come on rather strong. but he’s overjoyed when you do forgive him (he’ll probably jump in the air with excitement before going back to his “tough cool guy” act where he’s like ‘yeah i knew you’d forgive me’ *goes back home to cry tears of joy*)
you two start off as friends. and something bowser finds odd is that, despite his own feelings (as strong as they’ve started to grow), he’s... okay with that. just that.
there’s no urgency. he can just enjoy your company, flustered as it may make him.
there’s a side to bowser you, nor have the others (peach, mario, etc.), have seen before. nobody ever quite believed he was as one-dimensionally villainous as he tried to come off as, but bowser would’ve been damned to have exposed it.
he still wears his spiked shell, but it’s as though he’s coming out of hiding around you.
his voice, while still gruff, isn’t so performative; there’s no outrageous evil plans or self-conceptions of grandeur, just mundane (maybe even domestic) conversation.
of course he still wants to look cool in front of you, but he doesn’t have to cover up who he is inside either.
he doesn’t care what you want to do or what you talk about, you have this attention either way. and you can’t help but feel that... you like his attention.
there’s a gentleness he shows you that nobody else gets to see, and it’s so evident in the reactions you get from the others just by talking about your... “hang-outs” together.
he’s an absolute gentleman, of course. kamek can excuse kidnapping, but he draws the line at being ungentlemanly.
opening doors for you, holding out a chair for you, being a subtle protector when he thinks things are gonna go south, etc.
you’re a person bowser values and he’s so new to these feelings he has, and he wants to protect them as much as he wants to protect you.
to say you have certain feelings about him as well is very much an understatement.
even when you can’t specifically name it, you feel that he sees you like you hang all the stars in the sky. you’re one of the only people who have gotten a genuine laugh out of him, let alone a smile. and it’s his gentle nature specifically towards you that just makes you melt.
at first, the thought seems ridiculous, liking bowser, the koopa king of all evil, like... like that! but you think of it again, of how you’ve been friends and all the times you’ve spent together, and you feel as though you’ve been wrapped with warm ribbons, heat rising to your cheeks. it’s undeniable.
he definitely confesses to you first. a hopeless romantic at heart, he shows up at your doorstep, all fancily dressed with a mushroom and flower bouquet in hand, asking if you’d want to go on a date---with him.
his cheeks are flushed, and he stares at the floor, unable to look at you in fear he’ll find disgust on your face.
but wide-eyed and flustered yourself, you accept.
and when he looks up, there’s this... almost this shock on his face at first, mouth slightly agape, like something he never, ever could’ve expected to happen---just happened.
it doesn’t take long for him to widely grin and laugh as he picks you up into the air and holds you close to him, the bouquet sadly getting a bit crushed while he holds you in this embrace.
~ relationship
bowser is the happiest and luckiest koopa in the land. undoubtedly.
even with your relationship’s ups and downs, it’s like he’s always in the honeymoon phase.
most of his “evil schemes” are reduced to mischivieous pranks which you, and his koopalings, often participate in.
speaking of the koopalings, you have to get along with them. bowser jr, wendy, roy---all of them.
those children are his heart, and to see you not only get along with them, but be nurturing to them... his heart grows twice its size.
part of why he was so obsessed with peach was because he felt as though they needed a “mother” in their lives. he may be the king of evil and all, but he never wanted to be a failure of a father to his kids.
whether you’re aware of it or not, you helped him realize that... he wasn’t failing his kids, they didn’t “need” someone else to fix his mess. he was a good enough father on his own. and it’s only a plus to have you around, too.
bowser loves domestic stuff, he craves it. baking pies, hanging around with the koopalings---any of the most normal, mundane activities become a dream when he’s doing them with you.
he would also really like for you to join him when he and the others go kart racing, golfing, etc. if you aren’t already.
he loves the competition, loves rallying up his new family together (you included) so they can go kick that red hat wearing plumber’s ass! ...and his green brother too, i guess.
he’s just become a happier guy in general.
mario certainly appreciates it, actually being able to befriend the king koopa.
and peach likes being able to not be someone’s strange obsession, and she also considers you to be a good friend.
daisy LOVES it at first because she thinks there’s drama, but then you reveal everyone’s happy and there’s no conflict, she’s like oh... okay i guess. 😐
luigi is frightened by bowser, no surprise there, but he’s happy for you! luigi’s a bit of a hopeless romantic himself so he finds the things you and bowser do endearing, even if it is hard thinking of bowser being sweet.
you two are the cutest motherfuckers ever. in the mushroom kingdom. in the galaxy. im so jealous
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