#maybe i should have tagged this as a vent post

[zeawesomebirdie]

Anon just so you know, I love you more than I can express and you have genuinely made my day

#like my guy #im so sorry but the difference between yesterday's depression and today's is that #instead of being online and reblogging everything on my dash #im instead looking at my dash and paralysed by the thought of reblogging anything #which i guess is progress #bc it means that at least i wont spend my whole fucking day on here #despite knowing how bad that is for my mental health #but listen anon #you are a good person #you are incredible and i love you #and you deserve to have a very good day every day #maybe i should have tagged this as a vent post #crumbs and curses and etc #vent post

[reegis]

Are you ok? My favourite mechs artist has been quiet recently

im am SO so sorry i havent been able to post in so long aaa.. at the moment i am very much not okay, unfortunately a lot of things have gone poorly very quickly but hopefully its only a temporary set back!!

tldr i finally managed to get a full time job a month & a half after moving and my car broke down for the last time almost immediately upon hiring so i now have to walk ~2hrs to and from an 8 hour shift every day + more personal stuff,, the pain & stress is Not fun for my back problems or mental health :,^)

hoping to get the bike my mom leant me repaired as soon as i have my first paycheck or 2, so fingers crossed that will make a huge difference

i have still been slowly working on comms in whatever free time i get but its slow going 😔 ty everybody for your patience & sorry again for not being online!

#2024 has been a comedy of errors thus far & i have been the punchline every time 😔😔😔😔 #im more bruises blisters and joint pain than man at this point #but it will get better!!! *holding 2024 in a chokehold* IT WILL GET BETT E R #you’re so so sweet tho ty for checking up on me #sorry for complaining #should i tag this as a vent post? maybe just in case #vent post #ily all and cant wait for things to settle down and actually have time to dra w again 😭 #asks

[sttoru]

ima tell u this now : if u hate on x reader fics, block me cus by doing that you r doing us both a great favour 🤚🏽 ion need any of ur negativity on my blog because this is a safe space for people who do enjoy x reader fics goodbye

#𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆. #im gonna vent a bit in tags so ignore #bcs ive seen like two hate posts on x reader w a lot of interaction #and ima say this #leave ppl alone … maybe.. idk? like to each their own #its not that hard to block people if you don’t like their content #i swear we x reader writers wont even mind or notice if u do #we’d be so glad if u just block us completely #like god bless u for taking out the negativity (you) from our blog #i might not like oc fics but do u see me hating on them?? no bcs i just scroll past them #sometimes i even read them bcs thers no harm in trying out different things #and some of them are rlly good !!! #but ay just leave ppl be and stop acting stupid n pathetic 😟… #ofc everyone should tag their posts accordingly #i do too #but can u blame ppl for enjoying what they read? #ik some of u dislike it bcs reader is most likely written as a petite white female #but the x reader fics im reading dont have such descriptions added at all #yall just looking at the wrong stuff #but maybe its bcs i follow mainly poc / black writers 🤷🏽‍♀️ #anyway i love when i can insert myself in fics and feel appreciated idk abt yall #but hating on ppls enjoyments is a bit.. childish #i thought we left that behind #and grew up #but okk!! do what u gotta do ig #main point: block x reader tags + the writers you come across #u r doing both of us a HUGE favour 😋 ! #tw discourse #tw vent #cw vent

[helianskies]

ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

1.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.

#helia rants #cw vent #i'm okay but i'm not #this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks #it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here #i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't. #since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read #bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally #that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths #and in turn starting to feel uglier too #i don't like looking at the numbers #i was doing well at the start of the year #but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote #i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if... #if only... #what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense #the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too #i hate that this is what i've become #because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them #but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers #and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer #and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic. #and i don't know how to stop. #helia's stuff #this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it. #also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret #this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no #it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers. #gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)

[thevalkyriewarrior]

I hate the feeling of not being broken enough.

Of feeling like there's always going to be someone else who needs attention and comfort more than you

That you're less important because you're holding yourself together better

#valkyrie talks #some sort of vent tag #I'll be fine #this feeling will pass #i'm just really in my feelings right now and it sucks #for various different reasons this one is just on the forefront of my brain right now #and also the reason I'm avoiding trying to sleep #but Maybe with writing it out I might be able to let it go. #i just kinda wish I could be someone's priority sometimes. #it feels like my time with others is always cut short because someone else needs them more #and they do #and I don't want them to go without the care and support they need #but I wish I could say 'I need attention' #i wish that sometimes every now and then it's my feelings that are put first #i feel so selfish for thinking this way #i don't want my friends to be hurt #I just.... Sometimes feel like I'm the least broken #like that chipped tea cup post #i should go to bed I have work in the morning.

[justablah56]

damn I miss playing wolves in my friend's back yard .... rb to play wolves with your mutuals in their back yard<3

#just blahs #i dont really think this needs any other tags sbhsjsjs #but i am going to kinda vent in the tags still feel free to rb this tho :] #i miss my friend tbh #she was my best and only real friend for like 3 years and then she moved away and now we only talk 2-3 times a year #and i dont.... know how to change that #i just want my best friend back #but i dont want to seem clingly because what if shes moved on ? #what if shes gone and shes doing just fine where she is now and she doesn't miss me like i miss her #what if shes perfectly content with me just being someone that she talks to a few times a year #meanwhile i have nights that i literally cry myself to sleep because i cant just go see her #she doesnt know that i want so badly to turn 18 just so that i can move to the same state and maybe live near enough that i could see her #and i dont think i can tell her that because what if she doesn't care that much. #what if im being ridiculous and i should be over our friendship that should have ended the moment she moved years ago #that i should have just moved on and it's weird that i haven't #anyways sorry for the vent in the tags of my silly goofy post #mutuals come play wolves with me in my backyard <3

[ciderjacks]

sometimes I get worried that whatever is wrong with me will kill me and the thing is it’s not an unfounded concern and that’s what really scares me

#Oh well though #if I die I guess I’m glad I lived at all #Or something corny #I probably won’t it’s probably fine #I just wish we could figure out what it is so if i am dying at least I’ll know #Somehow not knowing makes it worse #I guess I should make me peace with death anyways it happens to everyone eventually #Fuck though dude #If I die I’ll have never gotten to do any of the shit I actually wanted to do #I’ll probably die here too #No fucking answers so maybe im mourning myself for nothing #Ugh #fuck #i hate this #Maybe I just have arthritis though the fact that my thing is progressive is concerning #Sorry for the heavy post at 2:00 am gents I’m having a real one #vent #physically disabled #mortality #Is that a tag #Whats the tag you use when you’re unspecified progressive disability makes you fear for your life #I gotta come to terms I just gotta just in case #Rip me I lived I laughed I loved

[arcaneyouth]

i'm starting to think living with 5 other people may simply be a problem

#vent post #negative #i've come to the conclusion i'm not getting enough sugar in my daily meals #(which is. ironic in a lot of ways. but i don't know what else the problem would be) #and that's great that's cool that i've come to this conclusion. i don't think i can solve this one #we don't buy that much sugary or junk food stuff anymore #my dad's got diabetes that makes sense that's understandable #so a lot of our family meals are like rice and meat and a salad #but yknow i'm not really gonna ask my parents to change that! it's been like that for a long time now it's fine it's alright #but i don't think i can actually solve the problem #i. already have a lot of foods that the rest of my family isn't allowed to touch. because i am So Picky #and when they were eating my foods more often i was Starving #i don't. think. i can ask for more. and you know what that's fine! that's fine that's ok i like my meals they're tasty as hell #what about snacks then? can we get snacks for the whole family? well no #we stopped buying more junk foodish snacks because it was All my siblings were eating #and it was bad! it was bad they shouldn't have been doing that. but now i don't think my parents trust us to be responsible with snack food #so our snack foods are. protein bar. fruit snacks (i had to request these specifically). popcorn #that's. that's fine. that's fine maybe i should be focused on fruit instead! fruit is good sugar! #well we don't store fruit i like the way i like it (don't put it in the fridge) so i never eat any of it anymore #but everybody else seems fine with it so really i'm not going to win this argument cause everybody else actually eats it more when it's out #(i don't think this is true. but i think it's true for My Dad and My Mom specifically.) #and i just. it really got me thinking about how much i don't have foods that i like in the house or meals that i love because Somebody Else #likes it done differently and not the way i like it #and that takes priority #to the point where i don't know what the fuck kind of foods i like because we just don't. have. any #i prefer white rice. mom prefers brown so we get brown. i prefer crunchier potatoes. mom prefers them soft so we make them soft #i like my fruits cold. my parents prefer to be able to See the fruits so they stay on the counter. i only eat chicken breast not any other #part of the chicken. my parents prefer thigh meat so we get thigh meat (which i don't eat) #oh huh. this post was a lot longer but tumblr deleted half the tags. yeah that's fair

[seahydra]

Aahhhhh.. MAN I'm not doing well again today it seems ORZ

#atari.txt #I'll be okay I think! Just feeling nervous over nothing again. #Distractions would be greatly appreciated.. though not necessary. Just if you guys want to talk to me. #I like talking so!:] #I still have those asks from the other day too I'll try and see if I can word my thoughts well enough for 'em in a while ww #Anyway sorry about all this OCD has been kicking my ASS like I'm fighting for my LIFE MUTUALS SAVE ME #Ojh actually does this count as a vent post? Maybe I should give my posts like this a different tag ... #atari.vnt

[greengoddesssmoothie]

Apparently it’s migraine time. Again.

#I hate how when I get a bad one it’s just a fucking struggle to break the cycle of them #had a bad last week and have two other bad ones this week #my roommate having her loud boyfriend over the entire weekend is not helping #he’s sweet it’s just. #I don’t like loud male voices for like. trauma reasons #and that goes triple for when Im noise sensitive and in pain #green speaks #I should maybe start a vent tag #vent #migraine posting

[bumpycap]

am i laughing so much because im happy or because i am genuinely close to losing it

#bumpycap... #bumpycap vent #maybe i should start that tag #cuz oh boy #i have been the therapist for so long #im just doing these little posts #to yknow #idk #cope????

[penofdamocles]

..It’s hard not to feel guilty, and nervous, to an extent, about feeling okay. As if happiness shouldn’t be this easy. As if it’ll end at any second, and still a bit. I guess. As if something like me doesn’t deserve it.

#They don’t want me to have this and could tear it away any moment. #And maybe I’m taking up energy and time. That would be better spent elsewhere. That too.. #..and no 1 should put. This much care into. making sure a puppet doesn’t feel lonely. #..I don’t want to be alone though. #It’s my fault I was. #I was too quiet. And wasn’t useful. #And kept hoping someone would ask to spend time with me. Just because they wanted to. #And not because. I posted about feeling bad. Or they needed something. #Or just so I could. Deliver cupcakes. #I shouldn’t have. Waited for something like that. #..who would bother. i’m still useless. #But at least I have. Someone with me now. #I didn’t have to ask him to stay. #I should really keep my tag rambles to my vent. #No Strings (ic)

[littlehen]

blah blah blah

My neighbour who's fostering the kittens phoned me up in a dither, about 6pm. She had fallen and hurt her ankle, it was all black and blue, so she had gone to hospital at 2pm to get it checked. She was still waiting to be seen, and she was worried about the kittens. I went around and fed them. My neighbour has lots of other animals, but she didn't ask me to feed them, she was hoping to be home by the evening.

Then at 8pm she phoned again, she was still waiting for her X-ray and now she did need all the other animals to be fed. She was also worried about how she would get home from the hospital. I said I would take care of her animals. I went over and fed four kittens, four adult cats and one rather worried shih-tzu. Also my dad offered to give her a lift back from the hospital. She said, 'Is that okay, even if it's late?' My dad said it was fine. As soon as we got off the phone, he told me he regretted offering. (He thought she was ready to go.) 'Now we have to wait around all night waiting for her to phone.'

I reminded him that when I took him to the hospital, when he had his accident, it was literally impossible to get a taxi home (even though it was the day of the Queen's funeral, so the taxis weren't busy at all) and we had to call a neighbour and ask for a lift very late at night. So we just need to think of this as paying it forward.

It's now 10pm and I assume she is still waiting for her X-ray. She's in her 70s and she's been waiting around and worrying for 8 hours and counting. 😠 I understand that our local hospital is massively oversubscribed and understaffed, and they're doing their best, but unfortunately their best is shit.

So I wouldn't mind helping out, except that - last night I had one of my bad insomnia nights. I was lying awake all night and finally got some sleep between 6am and 10.15am. I've been feeling very spacey all day and was hoping to get an early night. And now we have to wait up until she phones us.

Also at 5pm my boss texted me and asked if I could help her out by doing an extra shift tomorrow. They have three staff members off sick and are desperate. I was really annoyed because it's my day off, and I had a haircut appointment booked. (I already had to reschedule this hair appointment because the previous time I also had an insomnia night and hadn't slept at all.) I told my boss I had a haircut dentist appointment but I would try to move it. I called my hairdresser, she was very understanding about me rescheduling my appointment twice, and we moved it to next week (ugh, my hair is so long now and I hate it) so I was able to tell my boss I could work.

So now I have the twin commitments of 'wait up indefinitely late to collect old lady from hospital' and 'get up early and go to work', and I'm already exhausted and desperate to go to sleep and I feel slightly ill. I wish I had a valet to deal with all this for me, where is Jeeves when you need him.

EDIT: At 11.30pm, another neighbour knocked on our door (the one who dropped her off at the hospital this afternoon) and told us he was going to collect her, and we could stand down! I think the original plan was that this guy would collect her, but she was worried that it would end up being too late for him - he must be about 80 whereas my dad is a spring chicken at 72. (I couldn't offer to drive because I'm so sleep-deprived I wouldn't trust my reactions, it'd be like drunk driving.) Neighbour guy reassured us that he didn't mind waiting up, and we could go to bed. I hope she gets home from hospital soon and I hope I get some sleep tonight.

EDIT 2: it’s nearly 3.30 and I’ve been dutifully lying quietly with my eyes closed for four hours, and I’m bored out of my skull but somehow not bored enough to fall asleep. whyyyyyy. I don’t normally get two nights like this in a row. okay I’m going to try again

#vent post #insomnia #not especially venty but I don't really have a tag for personal diary-type posts #maybe I should have one

[raskies456]

me: I know I kinda had a breakdown last night but I can go to work today it’s just dilution plating!

the 32 4x4 dilution plates I have to individually pipette:

(not actually a photo of my plates)

#456 words #fhfhgh it was actually fine #at least fine so far? I’ve done the plates for the log phase I still have to do the ones for stationary #so I’m halfway through #knock on wood tho #but no it’s actually a fine task for this it’s a lot but it’s very repetitive and brainless once you set it up #but it is funny to be like ah yes should be an easy day #I just have to carefully and sterily pipette 2^9 individual droplets #lab tag #just in case I will tag it as a #vent post #for real though I should ask for the rest of the week off /: #maybe I’ll make candy buttons lol I think I’d be good at it

[arsonist-chicken]

finishing a goddamn paper at like 7am or something idk: hehe but like, in an exhausted and pissed off way

friend coming over for the day: very much hehe

parents back from vacation in the evening, mother immediately asking what's up with my face (scratched open spots) and scalp (also scratched open something idk) and saying I look bad (she's not wrong but like come on) and asking if I'm stressed somehow (bro.): very much not hehe

parents still off work for another two weeks, meaning I'll have to live at the library again to do stuff there and pretend I have a job: minus hehe. deducting many hehes.

all the things stressing me out, incl. my parents:

#ya maybe the psychiatrist i didn't like was right and i should have stayed with the antidepressants instead of switching to non-stimulant #not-working ADHD Light TM or whatever stuff. #live footage of me losing it #anyway #don't mind me i'm just venting #yeah that will be a new tag #mine #i still have to finish a paper that's overdue and i have to print out at the post office tomorrow and send off #or like. start it. even. but i also have to leave and pretend i'm going to work in the morning so. #guess here's to another day of going with no sleep. that's fine i've had quite a few of them this semester i can do one more. or nap in the #library maybe #okay bye #depression is a bitch and so is adhd or whatever executive dysfunction or laziness dysfunction lives in my brain #what's that lonely spring lyrics. idk but the song's called fix me. so. someone come fix me i am sick off this

[disquiet-doll]

ah, gone back from feeling like a nebulous blob that will die if you attempt to gender me to my new-maybe-norm of "i kind of want to look like an anime femboy but also maybe with boobs but also if i ever have boobs i will die badly"

which means putting girlboy back in the bio i guess?

sure, that's the word i'm choosing to describe that gender

#disvent #i guess #maybe i should have a personal tag that isnt' a vent tag because to be clear: #this post is a goofy haha joke not an expression of gender angst