#mostly because it sort of feels relatable

[ace-race-ace]

Autistic traits reflected by Max Verstappen - Part 1/?

DISCLAIMER: this is in no way ‘diagnosing’ Max as autistic. You should not in any way use this post as a reason to start claiming so on Tumblr or any other platform as it can be damaging in many aspects. These are just observations made by me, an autistic person mostly as a sense of comfort in some similar actions/behaviors. It’s fine to discuss and find more instances, but it’s not with an end goal to ‘prove’ anything

I also don’t have sources for everything, but will try to link as many as I can (if others have them, feel free to share them)

Hyper fixation(s)

For autistic people, a hyper fixation is an extreme interest in a certain thing - it can be media, a sport, a hobby, a collection, a certain skill, the list goes on. The particularly is that it tends to take over a lot of their lives/thinking. It’s not just a simple ‘obsession’, it’s something that becomes a primary part of the way you function day to day. Autistic people often ‘impress’ people with an encyclopedic knowledge of a specific topic because once something becomes a hyper fixation, we tend to absorb a lot of information quickly - and it sticks around. It’s also things we are obviously extremely passionate about and will take any free opportunity to indulge.

So what are examples for Max?

Racing, Geography, and Paddle (kinda)

Racing - The most obvious. It’s his full time job and he does plenty of sim racing on the side. What makes it more than just a job? The fact it’s always his number one choice of what to do in his free time. He streams with Team RedLine all the time, often hours before or after his F1 duties. Even partaking in the 24h Nurburgring online race just before the Imola GP. His knowledge of the practical aspects of racing is endless, he can talk about different corners, weather conditions, car models easily without a hitch.

While other driver take their time off to do various other activities and visit new places, Max more often than not goes back to racing and is happy to do so. It’s not just an obsession, because obsessions tend to become damaging and keep people away for living their lives. No, for Max, racing is his life and he wouldn’t be as happy to do anything else.

Geography - this one seems to be one he’s held from childhood. Again, many people enjoy learning about the world and different flags but there’s a difference between being casually interested and the hyper fixation level. Usually, people can learn to recognize flags and may have it as a bit of a random party trick. Max on the other hand says he had posters of the world map in his childhood bedroom and would spend hours learning all of them. Watching his grill the grid video where he needs to point out every track is extremely impressive, he gets them all right without hesitation. Some of the other drivers were good too, but made some mistakes, but those mistakes didn’t really matter much to them at the end of the day. Max on the other hand was extremely careful about making sure he had everything right - a huge autistic trait. Any geography related question, Max has an answer. There was even a video where he had to read a geography question for Checo off of a card and got jokingly mad the question wasn’t given to him (link-50 secs in)

Everyone knows him as the geography nerd, but at the same time, it’s not like he ‘studied’ it. Autistic people are often able to retain an incredible amount of information in one subject without really putting in a lot of effort, it just sticks around. And that information is often then part of info dumping where an autistic person just rattles on about the subject when given the opportunity. Max is seen doing this in multiple other interviews.

Paddle - I would classify this as a sort of small hyper fixation because obviously he doesn’t spend as much time doing it but the intensity is still there. Everyone knows about Max’s infamous 11 rackets he bought in hopes to become better (failing miserably). Just that makes his interest not very typical. Most people trying a new sport might get some fancy equipment and end up not really using it but 11 rackets??? There is literally no logic as to why Max would need that many unless he went pro 🤣 this lines up with the autistic tendency to get attached to something really quickly and start indulging in it with no rhyme or reason.

It’s also an activity he can share with other people. Autistic people are often mistaken to always want to be left alone but the truth is we often actually really crave human connection because of how lacking it can be in our lives. So if all of a sudden it seems everyone is getting into this one thing, in this case paddle, we can often get in over our heads and get very intense about it very quickly in hope to share a connection.

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Unchanging Habits

For many autistic people, a sense of control is very important. We like everything to work according to plan. Plus there is a big sense of ‘if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it’ in many of our habits. This can be in the form of favorite foods/drinks, clothing, planning our time etc. Again, neurotypical people obviously have favorites, but it’s often not a this or nothing situation like it is for autistic people. They might look for an alternative, but many autistic people would rather have/do nothing if it isn’t their regular habit.

Examples for Max - Food, Gin and Tonic, Red Bull kit

Food (carpaccio and tomato soup) - Max always has the same answer when asked about his favorite food, carpaccio and tomato soup. Most people will have favorite foods but their answer may vary over time as they try more things. This tik tok shows how unchanging his answer is. Autistic people often have what is called “safe foods” that they will enjoy eating at anytime and it seems this is the case for Max too.

Gin and Tonic - a lot of people know that this is Max’s favorite drink. Now if you think, have you ever heard him talk about any other drink? Many of the other drivers even point out how attached he is to the drink. Same as the food, most people shift around what they may enjoy but autistic people will usually stick to what they know they enjoy.

I don’t know the favorite drink of any other driver but we know about Max love for Gin and Tonic because he constantly brings it up. It’s also a very simple drink that most if not all places will offer so it’s also a ‘safe’ favorite to have. It takes away the possibility of having to choose something else. Additionally, it’s also a very ‘bland’ drink that doesn’t taste like much apart from gin. Autistic people tend to prefer simple taste in order to avoid sensory overload.

Red Bull kit - this is another thing people love to point out about Max, the fact he’s nearly always in his Red Bull kit. Obviously he’s not one of the ‘fashionistas’ of the grid but he takes it to an extreme. He always comes into the paddock in the Red Bull kit. Other drivers often vary between team kit, sponsor clothes or regular outfits, but Max never does! He’s also seen wearing the Red Bull stuff outside of the paddock/race weekends, people often laughing at the fact he’s always wearing the kit even at other events. Even in his free time during paddle matches and twitch streams, he’s often wearing some kind of Red Bull branded clothes. Again, many other drivers often wear their team gear (it’s part of their job) but outside of the race weekend, they all wear their regular clothes. Yet for Max, it’s an in-joke within his fans to be shocked whenever he isn’t wearing Red Bull merch.

Clothing choice is quite important for autistic people. Different textures/colors/cuts can be uncomfortable so sticking with something we are familiar with is extremely common. In Max’s case I actually suspect it’s more about the avoidance of choice. Making small decisions like what to wear can be very stressful as an autistic person so just sticking to one outfit/type of clothes is simply just the obvious choice.

It could also be a sort of comfort item in wearing something that is so integral to who you are. For example, since F1 has become my hyper fixation, I always have some kind of F1 related thing on me. It gives me comfort and shows to others a part of me that is extremely important. For Max, Red Bull has been his entire career in F1, his life wouldn’t be the same without them, so constantly repping them could also be a pert of that

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I have alot more observations that I will continue to release to my blog

Lots of love to everyone 🫶

#f1 #formulaone #max verstappen #autistic things #autism #red bull racing

[sparticus2000art]

sorry to bother you but turning submas into changelings might be ableist (?) since a good amount of people intepret them as autistic and the term changelings have been used against autistic people specifically autistic children i think

It’s no problem thanks for letting me know!

I didn’t realise that the term was used in that sort of context against autistic people- though it makes sense now that you’ve pointed it out. I’ll change some stuff around to make it just general fae instead (that will hopefully be less harmful, but let me know if it’s not)

I didn’t have Ill intent with it, but I am sorry if I’ve upset anyone.

I also don’t think I can do anything about the version that’s already been reblogged? But if I can let me know.

#seriously thanks for letting me know #it didn’t even occur to me #I feel bad too because I’ve found the autistic representation of the two comforting #mostly because it sort of feels relatable #more so than neurotypical characters tend to be anyway #so I really didn’t want to do the community any harm #again i apologise

[im-gonna-be-weird-about-it]

Me, a casual viewer of BFU: True Crime and Puppet History, clicking on the Making Watcher playlist: Oh, its so nice that the boys got to start their own company :)

Me, 40 minutes later, no longer a causal viewer after seeing Ryan Bergara talk about his anxiety and then almost cry on camera because he is so happy that his friend agreed to work at his new company: 

#ryan bergara #as that tweet once said #there is just something about him ya know #this is mostly a joke #BUT! #like i have a pretty solid no interaction policy with celebrities #i care about the character and not the actor #so i never felt the need to watch interviews or follow them on twitter or w/e #but now ive seen ryan get emotional and almost cry multiple times and im ?????? #i still dont want to meet him in person but i do want him to tell us about his day #and i hope hes having a good time in disneyland #and I want to leave supportive comments on all their videos #and i very much want him to succeed because A) I genuinely like their shows and B) hes just so nice and relatable #ive never followed a YT channel before but I do see now how it creates that feeling a lot easier than traditional media #because YT creators do depend a lot more on engagement and views #and they interact with the audience a lot more #anyway im being really dramatic about the fact that I dusted off my twitter account after 6 years just so i can ❤ watchers tweets #and then promptly created a patron account just so i could support them #this is just a lot more involved than i usually get #just rambling in the tags to sort out my own feelings

[sweetandsourcookies]

lying here in bed and thinking abt how alienated out i feel in the cookie run fandom. and then theres a polish sitcom playing in the background from a different room.

#mostly like. i feel so alienated out for like. having such different views of chars. #dark choco is a char i find myself to relate to a lot. i see so much of myself in him. #and yet. i cant get fully interested and that makes me feel. am i even a true fan of his character #if my interpretation is so vastly different from the fandoms #and how his kingdom is probably my least favourite out of all the ancients' kingdoms #for how i feel like ppl and the narrative tend to forget how dark cacaos kingdom is so flawed. #like the whole “no sweet meals” thing. i am not talking abt irl influences and how it impacts the presentation of the kingdom but more like #i feel like ppl tend to perfectionize dark cacao kingdom while ignoring a ton of systematic issues in it. #then theres my opinion on hollyberry. i love her. shes my favourite ancient. but i wish we got a more serious storyline with her #im not all catched up on the lore but i just wish rlly wish we got more of the hollyberry kingdom. and see holly display a wider range of- #-emotions. #i hope the eternal sugar update will get us some hollyberry kingdom angst because i need some more serious characterization for her that r- #-not just snippets #then theres. white lily. i feel like im the only person who liked the fact white lily got her own kingdom and was split into two versions. #it DID come out of nowhere but like. i feel like its sort of more interesting than just white lily being fully DE? #her update was a fiasco with how shadow milk stole the show that was meant to be hers. #but like. so many of my opinions are different than the fandoms that i just cant help but feel like an intruder sometimes #i dont want to sound like a pick me or someone who thinks they r special for being different. because im not. #i do not like this feeling. but i needed to be open abt it ig #cookie chat #theres also like. the lack of proper characterization for carrow besides “good loyal soldier”. #that annoys me as hell too #fyi i DO NOT hate dark cacao kingdom to be clear. i love it a ton. the cultural influences are so interesting and i love the setting. #i just wish ppl didnt brush off a lot of systematic flaws abt it.

[heterophobiclanwangji]

hey if the only real difference between pidw and scum villain before shen yuan’s transmigration is shen jiu possibly dying of a qi deviation, then does that mean shang qinghua accidentally murdered shen jiu

#scum villain #svss #shang qinghua #??? #i mostly mean this as a joke but like imagine #murderous coward sqh (affectionate) just deciding he doesn't want to deal with cannon - #and he doesn't have the therapy license these characters need so he just assassinates sj #like well i've already done this much treason why stop now #then his visible discomfort with sy!sqq has less to do with sy's ooc behavior and more to do with like #sqh's contained panic at trying and failing to kill sj and expecting the other shoe to drop at any moment #because no matter how you feel about sj i thnk we all know: that bitch can hold a grudge #not really in line with cannon but it could be fun! #the other answer is that there are more changes but they're all granular politics from the northern demon realm #and thus sy wouldn't know/care #the other other answer is that sj didn't die on his own - #maybe the system decided sqh wasn't doing enough and offed sj to make room for sy #which would still make it related to sqh #just not in a 'sqh's presence is subtly offputting and digging into sj's insecurities - #which then destabilizes his cultivation base until he qi deviates and dies' sort of way #i'm sorry i just like to imagine sqh having a huge body count despite shying away from nearly all physical confrontations #it's good and funny every time #my posts

[burinazar]

sometimes i really miss in early college when i primarily had four good friends i felt i could count on for almost anything and that was legitimately all i needed. friendships are more numerous but more diffuse now both geographically and emotionally and there’s some kind of bottomless feeling of unmet need there

#i lost touch with two of them just gradually and the other two i see once in a while. stuff just changes. it’s not bad. just sad. #related: awkward but true is that much like with romantic attraction there can be a different in how much someone wants to be friends #and like how actually compatible they are and party A may think they have a great vibe and party B is like barely hanging on #and similarly just like with romances friendship compatibility can change or diminish over time…. #idk im just rambling #it’s incredibly rare for me to feel either of these (that the other person is more into being friends than i am or that i’ve lost interest) #but both have happened at least once lol #i worry i might be the other end sometimes. i know at least one person ended up finding me draining after originally not. #but it uh was mostly because of the ‘desperately in love with them for four years and we both knew it’d go nowhere’ thing. Unique Situation #(so I optimistically hope I’m not usually this for people.) #(and i try not to feel too bad about when I’m rarely on the other end thinking I don’t really wanna be or stay close. it happens) #(but yeah. there’s a friendship pit in me of sorts.)

[crescentfool]

hello everyone! now that team picking is out i wanted to say that i am participating in artfight for the first time this year on team werewolves! (its the color blue. i love the color blue.)

you can find my profile here! https://artfight.net/~crescentfool

#lizzy speaks #lizzy does art #<- sort of! because the art on the left is new LOL #im very excited though! i've wanted a chance to draw more splatoon related stuff and i think art fight would be a great way to- #discover other peoples ocs. i mostly just want the additional practice idrc if i dont get attacked back or w/e #i feel kinda bad bc i wanted to focus on making stickers but then artfight came up so.. im shifting my goals 4 now lol #after artfight though.. nothing can stop me #art is a bit weird for me rn just because i've gotten such a huge surge of motivation back at the start of this month- #but at the same time there's a lot of projects and things i want to do that im like... uh how do One Commit #so im trying my best to take it one thing at a time!!! and i hope you all who are doing art stuff feel at peace with your process #also i feel like this should go w/o saying but i am not guaranteed to attack back but yknow #in my head im gonna do So Many Cool things for artfight but also a part of me knows i might just take a break to draw fan art n thats fine! #anyway bye i cant believe we're halfway through the year! can you believe it? yeah! me neither! explosion!

[redysetdare]

It's such a insignificant thing in the grand scheme of things but it absolutely sucks to see a similar experience to your own trauma in media only to watch as fandom completely ignores it and butchers it acting like it's "not that bad" or even acting like it's good. they erase all the parts that you related to because they don't want to view it in that way.

and I can't speak up or get upset because "Fanon doesn't affect canon". but how people react to and treat canon effects me. If they treat it like that in fiction how will they treat me? I can't speak up without revealing something so personal to me that I've seen people invalidate over and over again. I don't feel like I'm asking for much when I ask for people to pause and look at how they feel, react to, and treat certain experiences in fandom spaces.

#text #trauma #this is about family trauma #no reblogs because it's so very personal to me and I try not to talk about it much #the amount of experiences I've seen that mirror my own in media #that the fandom turns into “tough love” or “look see their parents love them so it's not toxic/abusive at all!” #i know this is probably just a me problem #it still sucks tho #it sucks a lot to relate to something so heavily only to see it publicly torn apart #not to mention how fandom reacts can often effect how canon treats it in the future...so much media has access to fandom spaces #I watched my experience fade into the background and get forgotten because the creators interacted with fandom #idk it hurts a lot to see something so personal to you treated as so unimportant #to watch it be invalidated right in front of you #to feel like you cant speak up without revealing something so personal that so many have already invalidated #idk i dont have a point #i'm mostly just thinking about previous fandom experiences with this sort of thing #and how it's really effected how i interact in fandom and how i view fanon in general

[sonknuxadow]

on one hand im not big on sonic fankids because i find a lot of fankid/next gen stuff people do for sonic to be really out of character and i dont like sonic future aus that pair off every character into nuclear families. for so many reasons . and also all of the popular sonic ships people always make fankids for would NEVERRR in a million years have kids or even get married or anything like that for that matter . but on the OTHER hand im an enjoyer of little guys and can see the appeal from a character design standpoint of combining the traits of two characters to make a new one and think that it would be fun to play around with designs like that ..

#im also just not into fluffy domestic stuff in general usually... not that i never like that stuff ever its just not usually for me #i could only make a sonic fankid if they were born through the most wacky impossible by real life standards way possible #and their existence is funny to me somehow and doesnt directly contradict my ''this character would NOT have kids'' opinions #because of the already mentioned reasons + i mostly only like ship related scenarios when theyre funny #+ that sort of thing just feels fitting for the sonic universe. #i think that in the sonic universe babies are made through just randomly showing up one day .

[nostalgia-tblr]

when ur reading a fic and it's fine and then you suddenly get hit with an Unexpected Kink bit and it's not your thing and as we all know kinks you don't share are either "eww gross" or "lol wtf" and either one of those is going to distract you from the plot

#mostly this is about fic i read this morning #but also it's about me writing The AU and wondering if i *have* actually given Loki a breeding kink in it and whether to warn for that #it's not my kink so it's not my fault! it's just that the spunk and the impregnantion is Important To The Plot so it needs to be mentioned #more than i would normally be comfortable with D: #(also i feel bad about Dick!Thor in it and wonder if it's worth adding some sort of Unreliable Narrator tag as a pointer towards the fact #that this is at least in part because Bastard!Loki is a very unsympathetic observer of Dick!Thor's behaviour and tends to always #assume the worst of him. but idk what people expect from an Unreliable Narrator tag so i dunno if i should? let me know what u'd expect?) #i was so looking forward to getting back to a porn-and-machinations chapter after that baby chapter but i've not made that much progress :( #eh. it'll come together at its own pace like it did last time i suppose. #fic related

[13eyond13]

.

#i feel as though I should start a tag like deep thoughts with the bloz or some shit for my new kick of live journaling about my angst #but anyway hot tip for all the people pleasers out there #surround yourself with mostly supportive people who dont take advantage of others unfairly and who are thoughtful about other people #100% of the time it works every time to make your life so much more enjoyable and easier #and it isn't mean to expect at least the bare minimum of social competence and normal behaviour from others before you agree to socialize #and associate with them (which is sort of what i was guilted into believing growing up) #because guess what that's how you avoid harmful creeps! #your feelings and boundaries exist for a reason and it does suck that sometimes people are just really bad at social skills #but it's not your responsibility to be their therapist or the one exception who will be there for them or whatever else either if they're #truly making you feel weird or unsafe #you as a people pleaser are probably HYPER concerned with being pleasant and polite and accommodating and all these other things that #you worked very hard to become and you will burn yourself out and/or get hurt and/or resentful if you feel exhausted or used #or unappreciated for it and half the time you are actually doing it more for yourself than for others anyways #because it makes you feel valued and like a good person #this is also all related to having issues with codependency too btw which i do because my whole family does #def recommend reading up on both things if you relate it will improve your mental health very much #love you wishing you the best things in 2023 we all got this we are going to do great 😘🧡 muah #p

[hermigeddon]

it may just be the interactions between pearl, ren and martyn but double life is starting to have a weird almost-fairytale vibe that i’m really digging

#i think it’s because pearl and ren together look like little red riding hood mostly #but also the golden apple can sever the soulmate tie (allegedly) #kinda like a poison apple from a fairytale #plus the whole soulmate thing makes me think of stuff like true loves kiss and what not #and the relation ship chilling in the background feels sort of neverland to me #i’m probably thinking about this too much but it’s fun #double life smp

[mejomonster]

Horrified to say I may just try an experimental writing style for me and see how it fucking goes

But I really hate rewriting in a different way later ;-;

But I also just. Really want these scenes written down, physically existing instead of just in my brain. However they come written out, at least they'd BE WRITTEN

#rant #writing #;-; my brain is torn between 3 writing style choices right now #1 my usual one. which is mostly like scenes from a movie but the narrator character close perspective pov #will sort of guide the story in what is getting focus. so it holds your hand a bit #by communicating for example 'this story is about X that happened/my connection to my loved one/how i met them/how i changed into X' #each chapter. which helps each segment of story feel like a complete mini-self contained story. its satisfying #because u get an intro journey and conclusion which are connectsd each chapter. #the downside? i have to focus on a particular arc singularly in one chapter #and i cant jump around to multiple. i also cant pick as broad a scene choice. i have to omit more #in attempt to remain more focused on only what relates to that chapters 'main thread' its telling #and i dont want that cohesion this time tbh. i want novel length cohesion but #i want individual scenes to be more disjointed separate moments you the Reader determine how are connected #i dont want to spoonfeed the reader WHY theyre connected. i think disjointed will first help #me write SHORTER scenes of show instead of tell. and second it will allow #yhe story to read as one bigger whole in a wider cast way which i want. #2 i like the idea of a Telling a Fairytale style. because i remember the whole story in my head this way lol. byt downside? it reads like a #history book or myth. and i know ppl generally dont enjoy modern fiction written this way. #3 the previously mentioned disjointed way. individual scenes and the emotions in them. then skip to the next scene. like my usual #writing style but with less effort put in to connect the scenes through a narrator guiding the reader. #with much less content of the narrator explaining the point of the scenes. again i think this stylw #would let me first write MORE scenes since scenes will be shorter word counts #and second i think the curtness and separation of individual scenes will help me focus on a larger cast #qhereas with my usual writing style i have to mainly stay in the pov of only 1-3 characters #as the story is more heavily guided/leaned into one characters pov

[soyoursoulisgreen]

3, 4, 19, 20!

3. What ideas come from when you were little

I have two OCs that have really stood the test of time: Akane and Kin - though their names have changed over time haha ♪ They were the first ever queer couple I made, long long loooong before I was out even to myself and shock among shocks, they're angels lol ♥ I remember I even wrote a short story about them from like - middle school probably?? as part of an assignment haha. They've been with me for a loooong time, and I'm still very fond of them 💕

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

GLaDOS is so beautiful and I am so bad at drawing machine parts jfdklsasdf. I'm determined to draw her from both games now tho! Her design in Portal 1 is so weird!! <3

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

Plushies, no contest. Drawings the seams and darts and stitches and wear and fluff and fabric vs. fur I just ugh it's all so satisfying! The way the cloth folds over itself or stands firm on its own over well-stuffed filling! I love plushies!! Funny enough, I rarely use them as props tho haha - that's usually things like books, cups, pencils, etc.

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

I haven't heard the complaint in earnest in a while, just in a jokey fashion, but I really really enjoy drawing hands :) Hand expressions are so fun to me! They're just as expressive as faces - especially masked characters haha - and they're so versatile! Come in so many shapes, some hard, some rubberhose wiggly, some sharp and Shaped, but they still all emote similarly. Even just slight position changing can change the temperature of how it reads! It's a challenge for sure but it's just so satisfying >:3c

#Woah an original post #Ask #Ask me #Thank you! :D Fun fun!! #I always love talking about my own lads hehe <3 <3 #If I had to guess a year to put to Akane and Kin oh gosh hmm... #Somewhere around 2008/9 if I had to guess?? It's hard to keep track from before I was online haha and I joined kind of late #I've had them for a heck-while! I love them ♥ It's not shown in their tag I linked but I also made some Aarakocran versions of them haha #I still have a lot of the journals and stuff from when I was a kid but none of them have been as long-lasting #I think it's probably because I was very ''inspired'' by what I was reading at that time - which was mostly high school romance lol #Aya and Haruka are almost more like self-parody of that haha - not many characters survived from that time #But Akane and Kin were always in that vague sort of adults sort of teens haze that lets them convert over easily #Their problems weren't related to school or anything so it makes them more versatile :) #I wonder if I still have their short stories anywhere - I also cried while writing one of them lol I've always been the sensitive type haha #Sorry if GLaDOS is the obvious answer lol but it's true! I'm slowly improving but she really is difficult to pin down #Any kind of machinery my brain just blanks out lol. ''It is shaped'' ''How?'' ''Yes'' Pfft #Also rude to imply nature is inanimate! I almost mistakenly said tree but they are animate! They're very alive! #But that's alright - I like drawing trees but I don't very often haha #I really do love drawing plushies tho I lose my mind about them they're so cute <3 Send me pictures of your plushies I will love them /gen #And for hands I mean - I've been enjoying drawing them for so long that it almost feels like the Curse of Knowledge lol #Do people genuinely struggle with hands?? I mean I still do at times - especially closed fists or certain angles #But in general? When they're just hanging out and being silly fruity little appendages? #Or with ASL or the like ♥ They're so fun! My latests have been working with more knuckles than usual haha it feels weird #I never have to worry about same face syndrome with hands! They really feel so intuitively individual haha

[drchucktingle]

my masks

hey there buckaroos. due to all of the attention the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION situation has gotten i am going to take a minute to talk about my personal way as an autistic buckaroo. im going to tell you about my masks.

im doing this for a few reasons, some are good FUN reasons full of love and some are not so great. 

lets start with the GOOD STUFF. first of all, i am talking about this because speaking on my way can help other buckaroo feel more comfortable speaking on there own way, ESPECIALLY if they are good at ‘passing’ for neurotypical like chuck is. 

unfortunately the NOT SO GREAT reasons im talking about all this dang stuff are two fold. reason one: i have been put into a position of having to explain and justify my needs and boundaries by the TXLA. this is not something that i WANT to be taking up all of my time, but when large organizations do not make space for those who they have pledged to support, it puts us smaller buckaroos into position where were have to defend our existence. it is not plesent but it is necessary.

the second NOT SO GREAT reason is that ‘passing’ bisexual and autistic people like myself are ALWAYS just seconds from being gatekept from folks both outside and inside these communities. there will probably be a day on chucks deathbed where i take off my mask and say hello to this timeline (mostly so you can all see how handsome i am under here but I DIGRESS). i KNOW with absolute certainty (the same way other bi and autistic buckaroos are probably nodding along right now) that when that day comes i will STILL be accused of ‘not being real’ and ‘faking’ because i ‘dont look autistic’ and i have a beautiful ladybuck partner in sweet barbara.

ALL THAT IS TO SAY, i am taking a moment today to talk FOR THE RECORD about my neurodigence and my particular needs. hopefully i will not have to keep diving this deep every time an organization takes a discrimantory action against me, but i will also say this: at least it is a good fight on an important battlefield

anyway buds, here is the story of my way on the spectrum

when i was a young buckaroo i knew that my thought process was different. i could socialize easily, which is unique in contrast to many autistic buds (it is a spectrum after all), but my social ease was for an interesting reason. I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT OTHERS WERE ABOUT TO SAY. it was like a strange ‘human game’ where someone would say one thing and i would think ‘well you actually mean something else’ in a sort of logical way (this is why i later related to DATA from star trek so dang much). at first i remember thinking ‘well i am just NOT going to play along with this human game’. i quickly learned neurotypical buckaroos do not like this, that there is a BOB AND WEAVE to social interactions that must be learned. 

later i realized ‘actually if i WANT to make friends and prove love is real then i can do this like an expert because i can SEE the game where most cant’. this got chuck many buds and took me on many adventures. please understand, i am not saying these connections are not important to me, they are just different. they are full of love, but i express this in my own unique way.

HOWEVER, while growing up i felt disconnected from this timeline in other ways, like an alien or a reverse twin trotting along in a world that is not quite my own. i did not feel emotions the same way my buds did. they would get upset over the ‘human game’ interactions and i would not be moved at all, HOWEVER i could see the way sunlight hit a window and start crying my dang eyes out over the beauty. so my emotion was still there and VERY STRONG, i just felt it in more existential ways (like hearing the call of the lonesome train). these days that feeling has progressed to where i am pretty much in a constant blissed out state of cosmic emotional connection (make of that last sentence what you will, but it is the truth). when i make existential posts online i am not just FIRING OFF SOME CONTENT, i really mean every word. this is really my trot.

anyway as a young buckaroo these feelings made me worry sometimes. i thought about various mental health dianosises and marked the parts and pieces that matched with myself. am i this? am i that? sometimes, instead of just being’ different’ i worried i might actually be ‘wrong’. 

when i saw david byrne on letterman in my younger days i immediately recognized something connected to myself. i thought ‘wow this is the mystery being solved before my very eyes.’ i could hear it in the music of talking heads too. i started doing research and realized that i might be on autism spectrum, something that was later confirmed by a therapist (back then the diagnosis was called asperger's). it was a glorious and fulfilling moment. i was SO EXCITED TO BE AUTISTIC LIKE MY HERO. i felt very cool because of it, and i still feel very cool because of it.

one of the big reasons i talk so much about being autistic these days is because i want to make sure OTHER buckaroos can have that same moment that i did. they can see chuck and think ‘wow i really like this autistic artist, maybe being autistic is cool’

so what does an average day WITHOUT wearing the pink bag look like for me?

my thought process is exactly like ROSE from CAMP DAMASCUS, which is part of why i wrote the book. we have the same stim (complex order of finger taps), we prepare for social interactions the same way, we analyze things in the same logical trot that neurotypical people might think feels ‘detached’ but for me feels natural (certain reviews of camp damascus are very funny to me in this way. you can tell when a reader is just very confused by existing in an autistic brain for 250 pages.)

from the outside you would not be able to tell that i am on the spectrum. in fact you would probably find me very socially adept. 

the problem is, all of that masking can take its toll. i spent years trotting in and out the emergency room, talking to confused doctors who could not figure out the chronic phantom tension and pain that radiated through my body. i eventually accepted the fact that i would either live a life constantly on heavy painkillers or just stop living altogether.

eventually, however, i started noticing a correlation between the way that i felt, and the space that i allowed for chuck and the pink mask. i was exercising that tension, allowing my mental mask of neurotypical existence to take a rest. i started practicing physical therapy and this time THE RESULTS STUCK because i was approaching from two sides, MIND AND BODY. after a while, i got my pain down to about 5 percent of what it once was. i still have flare ups in times of stress, but the healing has been very real and life changing.

lets get VERY specific now. if i attended the TXLA confrence without a mask and gave my talk i can tell you this: i would do a dang good job. i can work the heck out of a crowd and (not to reveal too much about my secret way) I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DO THIS ON OCCASION VERY WELL. however, going home from this event i would very likely be in pain. i would likely need to do physical therapy. i would likely need to stim for a while. i would NOT be emotionally fullfilled in the same way. in other words, without my pink mask i can charm the heck out of buckaroos, but THE SPACE OF CHUCK TINGLE IS NOT THE SPACE FOR THAT. the pink bag is a place for me to not have to put up with that tension. it is a place for me to unmask mentally by masking physically.

this pink bag space SAVED MY LIFE and i am not going to risk blurring these lines. if and when that ever happens it will be MY decision, not someone elses. that is my boundary. the part of me that neurotypically masks could handle a library conference in a purely technical sense, but the part of me that chuck represents absolutely cannot and should not be asked to do that without the pink bag. unfortunately, the complexity of this point makes it even MORE difficult for me to think about and takes up even more of my time, because it forces me to START QUESTIONING MYSELF and my own needs. to be honest, that is the most insidious part of other people questioning your identify and refusing to accept your accommodation needs without ‘proof’.

the thing is, while all of this discussion of disability and accessibility is important, i have a much larger point to make by writing these words.

a conference should not uninvite someone with an unusual physical presentation or a strange way of speaking REGARDLESS of it being classified as a disability. it does not matter WHY i look the way that i look and wear what i wear. i should not have to spend all day writing this post instead of writing my next book, just because my sensibilities are unique and my presentation is unusual. 

fortunately the solution is very simple: let other people be themselves. its not hurting you to simply accept and nod at the buckaroos you think look strange. let us exist

#actually autistic #chuck tingle #tingleverse #buckaroo lifestyle

[luulapants]

Existential despair is so common in a person's twenties, I think, because up until that point, we've had a pretty clear road map for what's expected of us and we haven't had much reason to question that map. There are still a few milestones outlined for us (start a career, get married, make babies) but more and more young people are entering the post-school world and realizing:

A) that career thing just isn't happening like they said it would

B) I'm not ready to get married/I don't want to get married/marriage isn't the sort of life-altering event that it used to be

C) I'm not ready to make babies/I don't want a baby/I can't afford to raise children right now (see point A)

And in the absence of these milestones to shoot for (which one could argue weren't the promise of fulfillment they claimed to be in the first place), what we're left with is this aimless abyss of "the rest of our lives" sprawling out ahead of us with no indication of how it will go or what we should be doing to shape it. Young people start their first jobs, find they hate them, and think to themselves, "Is this it? Am I just supposed to do this job until I'm too old to do it or die first?"

Which is, yeah, really fucking depressing!! So here's my best attempt at an alternate roadmap for young people that don't vibe with the old model. Please feel free to add in your own suggestions!

Learn how you work and what you want out of a job. Unless you've been in a job-specific training program that gives you hands-on experience, your first jobs should be experiments. Learn how a full-time job feels for you, what elements are more or less difficult. Different workplaces have different cultures and expectations - what do you need out of a job environment? Do you need to find fulfillment in your job or is it enough for it to pay the bills and leave you time to find outside fulfillment? Do you want to climb a corporate ladder or are you content to hunker down as long as your bills get paid? This period of experimentation is exhausting and may feel like it's consuming your whole life.

Learn how to make time for things outside of work. Adapting to a full-time work environment often leaves you feeling so drained that you can't do anything but go home and collapse on the couch every day. That's fine - for a little while. But it can also become a habit. You need to learn how to do things after work or you'll go crazy. Go to a trivia night. Start an exercise schedule. Take a class in your community. Find volunteer work. Join a band. You will find that putting more things into your day makes you feel like you have more time, not less.

Find a community. Making friends as an adult can feel impossible. Where do you find these mysterious friends everyone seems to have?? This goes along with #2, though. As you start regularly attending the same activities, you will find that repeat interactions with the same people turn into friendships or at least friendly acquaintances. Say yes to invitations. Get involved in your local community. Strive to be connected enough to bump into people at the grocery store.

Unlearn bad lessons. We all internalize some messed up things when we're growing up. As you start off your adult life, that's the time to actively work at unpacking the things you've brought with you from childhood and deciding which things are helping you and which things are harming you. This might mean therapy or joining a spiritual group or reading new things or just making special time to be in your own head.

Learn the lessons you missed. In this, I mostly mean practical things. "Adulting." Areas of your day-to-day practical life that are causing you extreme stress are probably related to a knowledge or experience gap. Do you hate cooking and cleaning or were you not taught how to do it properly? Are you afraid of making medical appointments or is it just something new you're not used to? Does money make you queasy or do you need to learn how to make a budget?

Find something fulfilling. This can be your job. It can be volunteer work. It can be faith. It can be a hobby. It can be creating things. It can be challenging yourself physically. It can be activism. It can be going for walks in nature. Everyone finds fulfillment in different places. If you're not finding it where you are, look somewhere else.

#adulting #advice