#my best friend for very surface level things as well. I just. im tired. its not like i can’t take a joke but at what point is it still

[spirit-of-the-void]

Ebony and Ivory- Bonus Vergil Ending

Author’s notes: So. This took me a really long time to write, and...well...I dont really know what to say about that. To be honest, the V ending got a lot of complaints, and it really tore down my motivation and confidence for this fic, for writing in general. Not to mention I was trying to get my life together for the beginning of this year, but the virus shit kind of ruined everything so im just...dead for the most part. Shit sucks, I’m tired, but...I felt bad about never giving this ending, so i did my best to make it something worth reading for you all. Im sorry it took so long, im sorry i never write or post anymore. Im just really doing my best to get through each day, and im really grateful for those of you who stuck around, and those who didnt

Heres to, hopefully, more writing in the future.

Bonus Chapter

Vergil’s alternate ending

So lost in the gravity of the moment, minds addled and fogged with sadness, pain, and rage...neither man heard you.

The Outsider didn’t notice you snap out of the pocket Void he held you in, didn’t hear the shattering of obsidian and the distant howl of a thousand voices screaming their denial, their sheer despair at your choice. After all, this place was a part of you--The void wanted it too, ached and craved and begged for his punishment. The man who caused you so much pain, left abandoned and alone to suffer all the agonies a world could offer. Surely this could not be, surely you weren’t making this choice, willingly embracing this agony in all its absolute brilliance?

 It hurt, it hurt. The pain was so fresh and alive, it rattled through your bones and spread like boiling, freezing water through every joint and tendon. Memory had always been your burden, from the moment you entered the Void to every fresh breath of it you drew to fight being swallowed whole by the inky abyss. And now those memories were like brands, searing into your skin and leaving scars so deep that they were numb. The burn didn’t stop, and neither would the images that came with them.

Images of your baby. Your son--Nero.

The instant you relieved that moment, saw his tiny form peppered with a tuft of white hair upon a shivering head you screamed, thrashing against the obsidian hands holding you back. One by one they shattered, shards drifting into absolute nothingness like dust floating on the breeze. More and more they came, trying to wipe it all away. And still...you writhed, shouted, held onto every moment, every pain. The guilt was more agonizing than anything else, sending your limbs trembling and mouth open in a soundless cry to join the ever shrieking masses. You left him, you forgot him. Your flesh and blood, your son left on a doorstep alone to grow up feeling abandoned and neglected. 

No amount of power could change what had happened to your mind, to your body bleeding out on a sidewalk. Strength was just a fleeting concept then, a whispered promise of brighter futures than your soul was made to endure. When that agony returned, when the tragedy of that day struck it left you shattering and broken, glass upon the ground begging to be picked up again. You weren’t like that anymore.

Strength was no longer an empty promise, it was something real and tangible. You could hold it in your hands, cradle it and nurture it with everything you had. It existed in the laughter of friends, in the feeling of holding a loved one’s hand,  deep breaths of ocean air and memories made in that place of tragedy that were so bright. For so long now ignorance had been your enemy, snatching away so much happiness and leaving you wanting. Losing V, the Outsider’s betrayal, this--if only you had known, if only things could change. If only. You were tired of those two words, the taste of them now foul and bitter like poison shoved down your throat. There it choked, spat out with more force than ever thought capable. No more ignorance, no more hiding from that deep, aching pain and regret--you knew now, and by the Void itself you would die before not knowing again. 

It felt like hours had passed before the hands finally stopped coming, a gasp escaping your lips like you had been held under the ocean’s weight the whole time. Finally, a breach. You crested over that familiar surface of water, falling upward until the familiar glow of the Void finally met your eyes. Obsidian hands managed to break your fall, eyes swimming with dizziness and tears while everything sank into the very core. Vergil, your love,  abandoning you, the order, the pregnancy, Nero--everything. This was the make or break moment, the time to sink or swim. You lay on the cold ground for some time, treading the waters of your own mind and trying not to drown while the Foresight screamed in unbearable pain. You would not break. You would not break. You would not break. 

You wanted to remember, wanted to remember everything. There were so many things that had to be said, apologies to be made, love to give. You wanted to weep at the feet of your son, to beg and plead for forgiveness and tell him how absolutely loved he was from the very start. To make up for lost time, to change everything without the fear of shattering apart. The past could not be fixed, mistakes were now written in stone. But you knew that didn’t have to mean the future had to be bleak. You remembered now--That deep feeling of love, meeting Vergil that first time and pouring everything into him. His betrayal had stung to your very core, had left your past self weeping along in a cold cell. But...that love wasn’t gone. It didn’t justify Vergil’s actions, but you knew now. No longer ignorant, having been so close and deeply in love with the human part of him he rarely showed. V, the broken man who wanted nothing more to be protected and loved. 

Now you knew both sides of the man you loved, and you didn’t want to lose that again.

Clarity seeped through the pain, weaving together the pieces left behind and keeping you solid. A wheeze escaped your lungs, sounds fading in and out as you struggled to rise from the ground. The Outsider’s voice, Vergil’s, the Void. Promises of punishing the son of Sparda, of leaving him still loving you while V was here to keep you happy and ignorant. Denial scraped along the already-battered walls of your head, gaze lifting just enough to see a blurry vision on the precipice of the endless sky. There the Outsider held Vergil up by his collar, framed by an endless glow without stars and no sun. Neither had noticed you, so lost in the Void’s howl and in the Outsider’s chiding promise. It made your teeth grind, head swimming with desperation and the unrivaled need to stop this, to stop everything. No more--no more pain, no more suffering, no more punishments. 

You dragged yourself, body trembling uncontrollably as the Foresight battled every inch of it. A fail safe, meant to protect you from memories that might bring about shattering. Right now it definitely wasn’t helping, but that didn’t mean you would stop. The hard ground of the debris scraped your legs as you went, but they were practically numbed by everything else. Whale oil rising like bile in your throat, eyes black and reflecting the Void’s glow like obsidian crystals. Your tears glistened, dew on their surface, falling steadily through the harsh, wheezing breaths. Clearer now, clearer every second. Vergil stared sightless ahead, eyes glazed and empty as he accepted the Outsider’s fate. His look of defeat shook you, made every cell scream out in denial and sorrow. Both of you were so young, so foolish, so desperate, so headstrong, so hurt--not anymore, not. Any. More.

“Vergil Sparda, this is your punishment for hurting my child.”

Enough. We’ve all had enough.

The Outsider jolted when you reached out, grasping the back of his jacket with shaking fists and pulling yourself upright. What a sight you must have been--body riddled in scratches from dragging yourself, pale and shaking while the wind whipped your hair into a senseless mess. The deity immediately gasped, dropping Vergil’s limp form in shock and leaving him sitting on the edge of the debris, jolted back into sense. For a brief moment, your eyes met. Agonized, horror-filled blue staring into the glistening black, reflecting so many emotions, apologies, and regrets. When he was like this, his expressions reminded you so much of V. You knew what he was seeing, feeling, remembering. Seeing what his choices wrought, the tragedy and despair left in the wake of an arrogant child’s selfishness and fear. And that’s what he looked like now--unabashed vulnerability, tears in his eyes threatening to drip down already-wet cheeks. That past was done, it was gone and left in the rubble of memories that longer mattered.

Here, now...that mattered.

“Y/N…!” The Outsider rasped in horror, griping both your shoulders as you grabbed the lapels of his jacket without letting go. It caused him to crouch to your level, expression filled with panic and shock as he continued on horrified, “You shouldn’t be here, you still...still--How did you manage to--”

You couldn’t explain, couldn’t give him the chance to send you back again. You choked on a shuddering breath, arms reaching up around his neck and pulling closer into the only embrace you had ever shared with the deity. The one who gave you life, saved you from the abyss and spent the past few years trying not to let you break--his methods were not the right ones to take, lingering in cruelty and the very pain he knew too. How could you expect a creature who knew nothing but the empty, mindless howl of the Void to know anything of comfort and affection? He had no one to teach him mercy, to remind him of what humanity was like. To let go, no more pain of betrayal, no more anger.

 He froze when you rested your face on his neck, body held against his as wind whipped around you both mercilessly. There was no warmth, not physically--but his chill was a comfort all its own,  a familiarity that kept you from shattering and calmed the Foresight into a low hum.

“N...no more…” Your voice was so tiny, a broken sob against his frozen skin as you squeezed tighter, “Please...please...No more.”

The Outsider swallowed hard, body still rigid as his hands very gently settled on your back. Like he was holding glass thinner than paper, on the verge of breaking. He grit his teeth, you could hear the grinding of his jaw from this close.

“You’re suffering,” He managed to rasp out, voice shaking with restrained emotion as one hand threaded through your hair, “My child, my only precious flower--you remember don’t you? You remember what he--”

I remember. I remember remember remember. And I never want to stop. 

“I don’t care…!” Your body shook harder, voice taking on the hard edge of resolve even while tears swam in your vision again. The memories hadn’t stopped, they refused to cease in their brutal assault. Vergil never coming to save you, the pain of being shot, giving birth alone and soaked to the bone. Blood on the sand, your son’s wail on the wind. His face, his tiny hands… You sucked in a shaking breath, heart aching as a broken whimper slipped from your lips, “Please...don’t take him from me...I can’t lose it again…”

I want to know him. I want to know Nero as my son. I want to know Vergil as my everything.

You didn’t want this pain to be a reminder anymore. You wanted to make new memories with your child, to make up for all the mistakes and everything he lost. To go on without knowing, to live in ignorance as his friend and listen to him speak of the sorrow that came with being abandoned...you would rather die. Guilt was not a stranger, and you knew it was possible to grow and heal from it again. Because you weren’t that broken soul in the Void anymore, having tasted what a happy life could truly be like at the very core of your being. A perfect word would have been Vergil coming to save you back then, stealing you away to a quiet place to give birth and raise your child together as better people, to move on. But this world was far from perfect, and that was okay. To learn, to move on and grow from what happened seemed too good to be true, but it was all you wanted, all you had. 

Vergil stared at you with absolute agony, those tears managing to trickle out against his will down sharp cheeks. You loved remembering him, those special first moments. Getting to hold his hand, a first kiss, that night...it had been everything, bringing familiarity to the time you had been with V. Of course the poet felt so right, so deeply familiar and necessary--your body remembered him, saw the black-haired human in every tender, vulnerable moment with Vergil. Getting to have them both was such a blessing, to learn that part of your soulmate so intimately and without restraint. He held so much back, drowned out by fear and pride that continued to choke his happiness. Things could change, they had to.

The Outsider sucked in a sharp breath at your words, hands shaking where they gripped the back of your blouse. You could teach him too, could help him remember what empathy felt like underneath the howling Void.

The cold has numbed you, but it doesn’t have to be that way. 

“I...I could return V to you…” The Outsider whispered, staring over your head into the empty abyss as the wind continued to howl for everything you had lost, “That man, he...he hurt you, broke--You. I almost lost my only child, the only gift this wretched place allowed me.”

In a way, the deity was a child too, not understanding his own emotion and lashing out in kind. All this nonsense had been born in how much he cared for you, so much that the idea of losing you scared him into cruelty. It wasn’t right, he hurt you and the people close to you in the process. It couldn’t continue like this anymore, not on the path of revenge and tragedy. 

You let out a soft breath, eyes squeezing shut as you tried to push back the tears. Your pain wasn’t helping him see clearly, nor was it aiding you in any way. It had to end, this ceaseless cycle—The Outsider needed to understand that you could handle this, that you could grow and stand on your own feet while carrying the weight of these memories around on your shoulders. 

“I know what that feels like,” You whimpered, breaths attempting to slow but still hitching with each swallowed sob. That fear he felt, the panic...you felt that all and more, “Please, father...don’t make me lose my child again.”

You felt him suck in a shuddering breath, eyes a glassy black as they stared over your shoulder into the abyss. In all the time you knew the Outsider, he had never shown emotion like this. Muscles locked to the point of shaking lightly with strain, air pressed through his nostrils like he was afraid opening his mouth would release an unwilling scream of denial. Because you knew deep down, knew he could understand your desire to keep these memories. Seeing you lose Nero had to hurt him too, bringing on the unwilling fear of experiencing the same thing once you almost slipped away. He had tried the only way he knew how, and now…that fear was caging you in, born of desperation and panic that kept the entire ocean at bay in the hopes of saving you from drowning. But he could never stop it from trickling through, not for long.

You delicately ran your fingers through his hair, feeling the wind send the short locks tossing back and forth. He felt so...human, real and solid. You were willing to bet he wasn’t always the God of this place, that his vulnerability and immaturity had roots in something deeply human. He froze sharply at the contact, hands squeezing the fabric of your blouse so tightly you wondered if it had started tearing.

“If I could take you away from this place, I…” You whispered, eyes closing softly as your body battled exhaustion, “The Void has made you cold, father. I just...I cannot let these feelings go.”

You leaned back just enough to stare at the Outsider’s face, obsidian meeting obsidian and reading each other’s faces. His eyes were wide with unrestrained desperation and sorrow, echoing so many years spent in this miserable place without the sun. You placed both hands gingerly on his cheeks, thumbs stroking along his high cheekbones as if waiting for tears to be shed.

“Father,” You whispered, voice aching with so many things better left unsaid as you stared at him steady and imploring, “Ignorance won’t protect us anymore.”

You hear Vergil suck in a breath at that, air dragged through teeth clenched so hard they might crack. The Outsider’s reaction was no different, those obsidian eyes wide and face a blank mask of shock and regret that showed no signs of fading. You knew what he was thinking, knew that desperate horror of watching you come so close to shattering, to becoming one with that deep, endless abyss. He was not used to fear, he was not used to being afraid. And that was something you could understand, something you wished so terribly to ease in any way you could. But this pain was so necessary, the deepest ache in your chest that gripped with icy fingers and refused to let go--shattering or not, painful or not...the memories were yours, and you wanted to keep them. You owed this to yourself, to Vergil, and especially to Nero. There were so many things you wanted to say to your son, and those things needed to happen above all else. 

There was a pause of silence between you all while the Outsider froze in place, seeming lost in thought as his endless gaze seemed to bore into your own. The only thing that broke the tense air was the howling winds from all around, even the moaning chorus of suffering voices seeming to quiet as they waited for the Outsider’s choice. If he decided against you, there would be a fight that could not be won, a fight that would more than likely end with you shattering from the stress already on your body. That was a risk the Outsider couldn’t afford to take, even with all the powers he held over you. The deep burn of foresight, icy veins of the Void’s magic as it traveled through your body--every breath was given to you by this ancient being, every bit of life you now carried each and every day. Without him, you would have never met Vergil, and for that you would always be grateful. 

The Outsider did not move for a very long time, only leaning back after his black eyes finally blinked at you. His hands slowly lowered from your form, falling back limply to his sides as he looked away, something akin to regret flashing across his face.  Exhaustion and acceptance followed like close companions, his eyes so very tired as the man rose to his feet, leaving you kneeling on the floor before him with a pleading expression on your face. For a moment, he could only stare down at you with more sorrow than one creature should carry, the chilled winds of the Void making his hair blow wildly in several directions. He looked more ancient than ever, the years spent in this wretched place more than showing on a face that was far too young to look so lost. The Outsider stared at you as if prepared to lose you forever, and that was the moment you realized he had finally made his choice.

“...I only wanted to keep you safe,” He spoke so softly, tone feather-light and echoing through the space as if he had screamed it out to the chorus of the Void. He rested one shaking hand upon your hair, eyes closing as his voice became ragged and somehow even softer, “I did not wish...to see you end.”

You nodded once, fresh tears dripping from your black eyes and onto the debris underneath you. The pain of his betrayal, every place you had traveled to, the lost memories and empty dreams...He didn’t know what else to do to keep you from shattering, fueled by desperation and that cruelty he knew so well. You didn’t want to hold onto it any more, these deep feelings of anger and regret that threatened so strongly to overtake you. They were nothing more than a burden now, and inexcusable weight that clung to your shoulders with sharp, unyielding claws. They had been your companions for far too long, and now...now they needed to leave.

You gripped the Outsider’s wrist tenderly with both hands, turning his palm over so you could press a kiss to it. He sucked in a sharp breath at the action, listening quietly as you replied in that hoarse, ragged tone, “I know...and I will be safe...I will,” Your black eyes raised, the color finally slipping back into your normal tone, the whites returning and glistening with tears, “Let me remember the people I love.”

You could see the lingering hesitation even as the Outsider pulled his hand away, eyes downcast and body stepping back toward the precipice. His gaze lingered for a moment on the form of Vergil, seeing the way he looked at you in absolute agony, the tears slipping down the sharp line of his jaw and the shattered expression in his eyes. There was remaining resentment there in those obsidian orbs, but he clenched his jaw and said nothing to the Son of Sparda. If you had to guess, the Deity knew that the only words that could get through the half-breed’s thick skull would have to be yours, and he wasn’t about to interfere with that again. So he paused only to look back at you again, face slipping back into his usual, neutral expression before you watched him disappear into a cloud of obsidian crystal shards without another word. You could understand that he needed time again, needed to process everything before addressing it again. 

He didn’t take away the gifts he had given you, at the very least. But the burn of Foresight was now gone, leaving only the familiar chill of the Void as it seeped through your limbs. For a minute you could only wheeze, trying to get the chaotic storm of emotions in check and feeling Vergil’s gaze linger on you with its familiar intensity. There were so many things between you now since the trials, since you attacked him in the Qliphoth. Those memories from Fortuna, of your first love and traveling together around the city--they mingled with every terrible, unspeakable event that took place after, all the terror and suffering that threatened to cloud out all the wonderful things. At the forefront was the guilt, the aching regret about what happened to Nero, of leaving him on the orphanage steps. It tore you up inside like razor blades, so very painful and absolutely unyielding. 

You slowly rose to your feet, turning towards the Son of Sparda with small steps and watching as his gaze lowered toward the ground. He didn’t dare look up at you as you approached, chest rising and falling with shallow breaths and hands shaking at his side. Vergil had never looked this way to you before, so lost and filled with absolute emotion. It reminded you of how V had acted in the Qliphoth tree, the desperate pleas and the guilty torment of knowing that he would have to leave you at the end of his mission. God, you were so grateful for getting a chance to know that side of him, to love his human half in its entirety before it eventually returned. Those moments were so precious, to witness the vulnerable things he tucked away behind all that anger and pride...All Vergil had wanted was someone to save him, to be loved and cherished like any other person wanted too. And you had more than enough love to give, leaving no room for anger or grudges left behind from past mistakes.

When he spoke, his voice came out low and hoarse, its tone and cadence barely managing to whisper over the Void’s howl, “Why...Why did you choose to remember? He...He could have made you happy, could have given you back the man who knew how to cherish you. But you...you…”

You ignored the question, sliding both hands through his slicked back, white hair and lingering there for a few moments while he breathed faster. Tension was there in his trembling shoulders, in the way those icy blue eyes stared down at the ground and refused to look away. You could feel it now, those walls he kept up for so long bending under the weight of regret, of truth and long desired affections. What point was there in fighting things now? At the end of the day he could no longer hide what he wanted anymore, could no longer hide behind the shield of indifference or spite. All that could possibly remain now was guilt and regret, of self loathing that had seeded itself deep inside since the moment his mother had died. Vergil had so many reasons to hate himself, for things that weren’t even his fault, and for things that didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered was leaving those mistakes behind, remembering the good things and striving to do better.

He had that ability inside of him, you knew he did. The ability to change, to atone for his sins. 

“Why?” Vergil continued to ask, breathing growing more and more ragged as you lowered yourself in front of his hunched form, both hands cupping his chilled cheeks and forcing his tormented gaze to rise up to meet you. There was agony in its depths, denial and confusion that made your heart ache so terribly, “All I’ve ever done is hurt you…! I...hurt everyone, took from everyone--V could have given you everything you wanted, without the things that make me who I am.”

You rested your forehead against his, tears forming on your lashes like dew drops and dripping in crystalline droplets onto his thighs. You could feel it when his breath hitched again, sounding like he tried so hard not to cry.

“...We don’t have to hurt anymore,” You whispered, voice soft and just as ragged as his own. Both hands rested on his chest, smoothing over the lines of his vest and feeling his heart race through the fabric, “That man who made me so happy is a part of you, Vergil...It was that same part of you that brought me so much happiness in Fortuna, that you buried under the fear of vulnerability. You made mistakes, we both did...All I want now is to move on from them, to be happy with you, with Nero--we owe that to him after all he’s endured.”

You felt his jaw clench at the mention of Nero, knowing exactly what went through his head. Your child, shivering in the cold and wailing for parents who were both gone, a little boy growing up thinking that he had no family, that they  abandoned him without a second thought--then as an adult, having his arm ripped off by the man he learns to be his father, left bleeding on the garage floor in pain. Years and years of not knowing, of aching to learn who his family was, then one strolls in and literally takes a whole limb. The agony that must have caused, and now...now there was still more to learn, the truth hovering so close and the boy didn’t even know it. All those things had been mistakes, yes, but it was Vergil who had to own up to them, who had to learn and try to do better. And that had to be the hardest part, to learn from one’s mistakes and not sink into the pit of self-loathing to cope. 

You let out a slow breath, trying to gather your words through the storm of guilt and emotions that still carried from the regained memories. Each breath felt like ice, words coming out hoarse yet firm as you told the son of Sparda, “You...You have to let those things go, Vergil, you have to talk to your son...Please...please. Please don’t leave us again, learn from what has happened and do better.”

We both can do better. For all of us.

You heard him swallow audibly, hands clenched into fists at his side as Vergil fought every ounce of instinct he had built up over the years. To hide his emotions away, to swallow them down and feel nothing but resentment and anger like it would somehow protect him. Self loathing was at its core, the final wall of his defenses once everything was gone. At the end of the day you knew that Vergil needed to learn how to be happy, to live with the things he had done and make reparations for them as best he could. Protecting others, doing things for the sake of good and not greed...those parts of him were real and tangible, you had held them in your arms once, kissed them with tender lips. They had been true and filled with so much emotion, and they wouldn’t just go away at a swipe of the Yamato.

Vergil finally looked up to meet your gaze, the faintest hint of tears clinging to his grey lashes as you swiped them away with your thumb. It was still so odd to see so much emotion on his face, torment obvious and out in the open.

“...How can you still love me after all of that?” He whispered incredulously at the look you wore, one of deep adoring and exhaustion as you continued to cup his cheeks, “I...I don’t understand. I don’t deserve it.”

His words made your heart ache terribly, thudding away in your chest like a caged bird trying to be free. Vergil’s was pounding too, closer to hard fists on steel walls of a person trying so desperately to escape a deep agony.  

You stared into his eyes as steadily as you could, voice coming out soft and reassuring as you explained, “Because love isn’t about deserving it or not, it’s about feeling emotion... and acknowledging it without running away,” You reached down, threading your fingers with the trembling digits of his own and giving a light squeeze, “Vergil Sparda is meant to be mine, and I don’t want anything else but that...I want to be with the one I was made for, and...that person is you.”

You broke me, and I broke you...I think we’re done breaking each other, aren’t we?

All that was left was to pick up the pieces.

You were shocked when Vergil’s arms pulled you against him hard, wrapped around your waist and squeezing as he buried his face against your shoulder. You could feel his ever breath, hear it rattle and shake with rasping sobs that had ached so desperately to be free this whole time. God, it felt good to finally be held by him again, every precious memory returned and emotions so very raw. You could feel them now, everything he had bottled up inside pouring out like water from a shattered glass. How it must have felt to finally acknowledge so many years of repressed emotion, to embrace someone without the heavy shackles of pride or hesitation. You embraced him back with accepting arms, eyes squeezing shut at the relief that came with being with the one you loved again. Whole and complete, just as tender as when he was V yet somehow more bittersweet. 

This was everything you had craved without even knowing it. 

You pressed kiss after kiss to his neck and shoulder, breaths slowing and the hollow ache in your heart finally fading at his touch. He was so strong, body holding fast against yours and the lines of it so very familiar. The storm inside was familiar too, you an anchor for the son of Sparda when he needed it most. 

“...I…” Vergil whispered after some time, voice low and hesitant as he swallowed back some of his emotion. You could feel his arms squeeze tighter, face pressed to your neck as he admitted, “I...I love you...Even back then, when I left, you...I thought about you the entire time I was on the ferry, yet I just...just…”

Forgot. That was the Outsider’s doing, wiping Vergil’s memory so that when you returned he could be punished without any complications. You let out a soft breath, leaning back to touch your forehead to his once again just as the portal started forming underneath you--crystalline hands curled upwards, gently wrapping around your forms as the Void’s hollow wailing grew louder and louder. As if saying goodbye, crying out in mourning for something that it felt like it was losing. Even if he wasn’t visible, you could feel the Outsider watching you both, his trepidation like a tangible force that filled the empty skies of the Void like thick, hovering storm clouds. He was afraid for you, he was lonely and alone. But you would not be leaving for good--even with the dark memories it carried, the empty blackness was a part of you, and so was the black-eyed God who resided there. You would return again someday, after having a chance to heal.

“I know,” You whispered to Vergil, feeling the Void’s howl ringing sharply in your ears as it started to fall away, “It’s over now, that pain is over. Let’s go home, and see our son.”

~~~

~Four Months Later~

You could tell it was still in the early hours of the morning, the sun barely peeking through the curtains of your bedroom in orange, pink colored hues. Warm--everything felt warm now, safe and comforting as you had sought for so long. More than anything, things felt correct, like every missing piece of your puzzle had finally fallen into place. Absolute in its entirety, perfected in its security. The way light air billowed through the windows, making curtains drift in a slow dance of dark blue fabric in the direction of your bed--Vergil’s arm wrapped around your form, his steady heartbeat under your ear and the warmth he shared with your body. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt peace like this, a rightness that seemed to fill up your form like honeyed milk and bringing with it a sleepy peacefulness that made it incredibly difficult to rise for the day. Then again, you were a better morning person than the son of Sparda, who would no doubt awaken surly and annoyed as he usually did.

So many things had happened in the past few months since you returned from the Void, so many things and so many emotions to work through. You had fallen onto the sand with Vergil by your side, Nero and the others rushing out to meet you in relief and worry at the way you both looked--even more so when you collapsed upon the white haired boy and sobbed, refusing to let go as apology after apology had burst from your lips. Eventually Vergil was able to coax you into letting go, and then...well, you had to tell Nero everything. Every regained memory, every terrible tragedy and all the things you so desperately wanted to say sorry for. He had to know how much he was loved, that you so terribly wanted to stay with him but circumstances never allowed. He listened to it all in wide eyed shock, but you had the feeling that he could sense for a long time that there was something that tied you both together, something neither of you could understand until now.

You were telling the truth, and he couldn’t very well deny that. His best friend had been his mother all along, and that was a lot to take in. He was struggling with the knowledge, but not as much as the fact that he wasn’t abandoned for being a half demon, that his mother went through so much terrible tragedy and died on the steps of Fortuna’s orphanage. All those years of searching and filling himself with questions and resentment, all of it for nothing. His mother had come back eventually, and that whole time he thought himself the older one, like he was meant to protect her like a little sister. Things had become such a mess, weaved together in chaotic knots that took a solid hour to weave with Kyrie there to support Nero while he absorbed it all. You were shocked to see that this info was somehow a relief to him, and even more so when he embraced you like a mother as if it was somehow the easiest thing in the world...like he had wanted nothing more. 

Mind you, Nico was in absolute shock about all of this--she kept staring in slack jawed awed at you and Vergil, unable to wrap her head around any of it. You, one of her closest friends, had given birth to a punk like Nero? How the hell was such a thing supposed to make sense?

Naturally, the very next thing Nero did was punch Vergil square in the jaw.

Both you and Dante had to hold the hot-tempered devil hunter back as he shouted curses at his father, railing into him for everything he had done to you and all the pain he caused. All his childhood questioning, all the pain--if Vergil hadn’t been such a dick so much suffering could have been avoided. You protested in between that things were fine, that it was in the past, but the son of Sparda didn’t say a word, didn’t fight back for once. Her merely sat on the ground where he had landed after the blow, rubbing his jaw with one hand and staring blankly at the ground. He was trying so hard, you could tell--sorrow lingered in the depths of his icy blue eyes, mingling with self-loathing as Nero reiterated back all the terrible things he had done and what a terrible person it made him. You wanted to stop him, but...Nero deserved to speak his mind, and Vergil had reparations to make.

After some firm discussions on the matter, you and Vergil agreed that it would be best to stay at Devil May Cry while things settled down, to find an outlet for the son of Sparda that would actually let him help people. Kyrie and Nico were both disappointed that you’d be moving, as were the children, but...right now was a sensitive time for Vergil, one where you were too nervous to let him be around things that would only make him feel worse. Until his head was sorted out, Fortuna was too much of a terrible memory for you both to literally live in the location of, and staying at Devil May Cry would be for the best until that was sorted out.

Regardless, the next few months passed somewhat peacefully. You and Vergil joined Devil May Cry, and set about fixing Redgrave City and rescuing any survivors still trapped inside. There were buildings to be fixed, roads that needed repairing, and broken families that needed to come back together. You knew this would be hard on Vergil too, but it was absolutely necessary that he try to make up for all the terrible things he had done. Every life taken in his pursuit of power would weigh on him for a while, and that wasn’t going to change any time soon, but...this did help. It was a while before the son of Sparda wasn’t listless anymore, that you could get more emotion from him that wasn’t guilt or regret. Mind you, Dante being irritating did help with that, but even he was worried the first few months when he would taunt Vergil and get nothing but sadness from his brother.

The surly man had been through too much trauma, seen too much. Having you by his side was his only anchor for a long time.

Which led back to present day, you wrapping a leg around his waist and letting out a heavy sigh of impatience when Vergil still slept soundly. You would think that someone like him, all pride and silly rules, would be much better about getting up in the morning. Instead, he was somehow worse than Dante, all annoyed grunts and exhausted stares as he dragged himself downstairs for a cup of coffee or tea. At least Dante would come down sleepy but cheerful, usually around noon or one o'clock in search of day old pizza. You knew trying to wake the son of Sparda up would not be an easy task, but you knew that there would be missions today that needed preparations--Nero and Nico would be joining you, after all, and there was nothing more exciting than the idea of spending time with your son.

You hummed softly, slowly rising from where you lay against his side and sitting up on Vergil’s lap with mischief in your gaze. It was surprising--he had taken months to get used to sleeping next to you without jolting awake in defensive positions, and even longer to get used to you touching him. So the fact that you could now settle your entire weight on his waist and place your hands on his chest was a pleasant show of how far he had come. Christ, he was such a beautiful man--those grey lashes were resting against his cheeks, face peaceful and calm in rest with messy hair and kissable lips. You could have stared at the hard line of his jaw for hours, wanting nothing more than to nibble it with your teeth and smooch for hours on end. Such a hard urge to resist, especially considering that he definitely should have been awake right now to start getting ready.

He stirred a little bit when you leaned forward, kissing a slow line from his shoulders and neck to that jaw you had been admiring so much. He was so very warm, and hard by the feeling of him pressing against your ass. It would be fairly hard to stay asleep with you rubbing on him like that, worshiping his chest with your mouth and hands while he stirred just a little bit more. There was no denying that low, rumbling hum of sound that came from his chest, peaceful expression shifting into something far grumpier as he stretched out under your hips. Reminiscent of a mighty panther waking with a low growl, eyes still not opening even as you leaned your face against his neck and gently bit where a vein pulsed steadily under the skin. 

You weren’t surprised by the low rumble of his voice under your ear, sounding incredibly tired and slightly grumpy as he groused, “I thought you agreed only to awaken me early for emergencies, brat.”

There had been some sort of agreement--but you were a little too distracted to remember it, tongue sliding up his warmed skin with a soft purr of, “But it is an emergency, my heart...I’ll simply perish without your help.”

You were being a bit cheeky this morning, feeling a surge of mischief and glee when his hips couldn’t help but shift slightly underneath yours. That pressure had to be a bit constricting on his cock right about now, but you weren’t getting much of a reaction out of him yet--he never did fall for your dramatic claims.

“Oh?” Vergil murmured, eyes still not opening as you bit down on his left earlobe, heartbeat quickening in your chest as he continued on, “Will you now? You certainly have a lot of energy for someone close to perishing.”

That last word turned into a bit of a grunt when you purposely rubbed yourself against his cock, feeling its hard length shift and squeeze between your bodies. To be honest, this was probably doing you in more than him, that firm pressure on your clit making you moan breathily and lean against his form like a cat in heat. Your panties did nothing to sully the friction, arousal making its home in your abdomen and pooling warmth down into your core like melting honey. Vergil was certainly able to catch your mood, letting out an amused rumble of sound when you breathed heavily against his neck, rutting against his cock again with absolutely no shame. Honestly, a past version of you might have been embarrassed to act like this, especially with someone as prideful as the Son of Sparda. But you well enough by this point that he wasn’t phased by your unabashed desire--rather he enjoyed when you gave him this kind of attention, like it stroked his ego.

It definitely did. 

“Vergil…” You whined, wrapping both arms around his neck and pressing your entire body against his when he purposely tilted his head to the side as if feigning sleep, “Don’t be mean--I let you sleep longer today that I did yesterday.”

He chuckled lightly at that, finally cracking one eye open to stare at you in his typical, superior sort of way. Honestly, you were a bit dazed for a moment at how handsome he was, white hair a tousled mess on his pillow and lips curving into a bemused little smirk at the desperate expression on your face. Vergil had a special way of looking absolutely, arrogantly smug, especially when he knew how badly you wanted it. But he was also weak to your pleading, and even more so with you all over him and looking so very tempting in just a tank top and some panties--he’d be a foolish man to refuse you in even the most dire situations, although he had to get his fun in somewhere.

The half-demon clicked his tongue, head tilting back and eyes closing again as he replied to you in a purposely sleepy tone, “Maybe you should ask me nicely, doll, and I’ll think about indulging you.”

You bit your lip, knowing full well he wasn’t about to walk around aroused for the better part of the morning, especially not with work to do and especially not while meeting with your son. But it would be silly of you to call him on that bluff, especially since he was prideful enough to prove you wrong just for the hell of it. And quite frankly, you’d lose out far more than him with such a foolish game.

A sigh left your lips, body falling limply against his in a show of defeat, “...Please?” You murmured softly, chin resting on his chest as you stared at him imploringly, “Please, Vergil?” 

His smirk widened at that, showing his pearly white teeth in accompaniment with his equally smug reply, “You could always try calling me ‘sir’ just to sweeten it a bit, brat.”

“Now you’re just pushing it.”

It warmed you thoroughly when your huffed reply made the half-breed laugh, the sound sleepy and smooth as he finally yielded and wrapped both arms around your form. It felt so good to be held by him, your body made to fit against the hard lines of his own. the sensation only grew deeper when he rolled over to press you into the bed, mouth catching your lips in a deep kiss and hands holding him up on either side of your head. Whatever grumpiness that plagued him upon waking faded away with your tongue stroking over his, breaths mingly and hips pressed against each other in a slow grind. You’d be hard pressed to miss his desire now, especially with him rutting it against your wet heat in those slow, deep presses that made your breath catch in desperation. Christ, you were needy--and he absolutely adored that about you, wanted to indulge every chance he got, even if it meant teasing you a bit first.

You were panting when his mouth slipped to your jaw, a growl in his throat while he kissed a line down to your chest and lingered there for a moment. You practically trembled when one hand tugged up your tank top, those kissable lips latching onto one nipple and making your hips rise at the slow, purposeful suction he gave. Christ, his tongue...he was merciless this morning, absolutely ruthless. The half breed swirled the wet appendage over the sensitive bud in his mouth, making you whimper and fist his hair with both hands. So sensitive in the morning, becoming a writhing mess under his ministrations in a matter of seconds. He let out a satisfied hum, blue eyes looking up at you from under his lashes as he released your breast with a hollow pop, moving onto the next.

You were already drenched by that point, anymore foreplay absolutely not needed, but that wasn’t stopping Vergil. He would willingly draw this out hours if you had it, bringing you to the edge of orgasm over and over again without satisfaction, until you were sobbing with need. And then he would be the opposite other days, literally making you come over and over until you were begging to stop, until the overstimulation was too much. Unfortunately, today offered very little time with all the plans in mind, so he could only get his fun in short intervals. Honestly, you could have taken two of him with how aroused just the morning wanting had made you, and that was plainly obvious when the half-breed tugged your panties down your legs, tossing them to somewhere in your room.

You practically sobbed with need as he plunged his fingers into your sheath, the slide easy and wet as he tested your resistance, finding absolutely none. Your toes curled into the bed sheets, head tilted back as he kissed along your neck and jaw with those fingers working below. Curling inside, searching for any sweet points and making slick, lewd sounds with every thrust. You could only squirm, at his mercy and trembling with a building orgasm in your lower half. God, why were you always so sensitive? He had just barely started and you felt already inches away from coming on his fingers, hips rising to meet him as a desperate moan left your parted lips. No wonder he could overstimulate you so god damn easily--without edging you would just orgasm easily without much work at all.

“Ahhh...ahhh...g-god, please--” You whimpered against his neck, hips rolling against his hand as you squeezed your eyes shut, “Vergil...Vergil I’m so--”

“Already?” The son of Sparda murmured, stilling his fingers and chuckling at that half-choked sound of desperation you made in response, “I thought you were made of sterner stuff than that, doll.”

You weren’t really in the mood to be prideful today, his teasing barely registering with you as the feeling of that orgasm started to dull. It was so very disappointing when his digits left your throbbing insides, a trail of slick following them as proof of your arousal. That might have been a bit embarrassing if you had any shame left, but that wasn’t really the case after everything you had been through with this man. The son of Sparda seemed pleased, icy blue eyes lingering on his fingers before drawing them into his mouth, tasting your essence as he leaned back to gaze over your form with a hint of adoration in their depths. The way Vergil looked at you, lingering on each scar and left over wound from battles past...it made you heart only ache more, body desperate for his affections and warming further as you stared back with a pleading expression of your own.

 Luckily enough for you, Vergil seemed to be far more merciful today, placing both hands on your thighs and pushing them back and apart. You bit your lip, knees up to your chest and held there right where your legs bent with his strong hands. So exposed, spread nicely for him and ready to be taken. The half-breed gave you a look that told you not to move your limbs in the slightest, letting go so he could pull down the thin, cotton dress pants hiding his length from your eyes. You could have moaned when the hard appendage slipped free, precum already beading on the tip smeared away by his thumb and looking so damn perfect for you and you alone. God, he was beautiful everywhere, cock lengthy enough to press deep inside and thick enough to spread you without hurting too much. And with how aroused you were, it would be absolutely painless, your body practically aching to suck him inside and feel each stroke along your inner walls. 

Vergil didn’t seem keen on waiting any longer either, pressing the tip against your folds and sucking in a breath as he stroked over your clit for a few seconds, just savoring the wet warmth. You were trembling, toes curling with anticipation and heart pounding quickly in your chest when he finally pressed it against your throbbing entrance, Vergil gritting his teeth at the way your body molded around his length. A perfect fit, his cock slipping easily inside and buried deep in a matter of seconds. Your eyes rolled back a bit in your skull at the feeling of his tip brushing your cervix, filling you up entirely and leaving not a single inch that wasn’t being touch by him. You had no doubt that he could feel your every breath, every shift of muscle as you fought the urge to rut against him as the desperation grew higher.

“G-god, please…” You whimpered, shuddering when he leaned over your form and pressed both hands to your legs again to press them back. The movement shifted his cock inside, burying it just a bit deeper and making you gulp in a quick breath of air, “F-fuck...fuck…”

“So crass, my doll,” Vergil hissed, voice breathless as he leaned down to nip at your neck again, “You’re absolutely drenched...you must have really worked yourself up this morning.”

That was certainly an understatement. When he slid his cock out of your throbbing sheath it was a wet slide, plunging back in with a wet sound that seemed overly loud in the quiet of your bedroom. A choked whimper left your lips at the pace he began to set, wasting no time in being gentle with you with how obviously you wanted it. Your hands blindly reached for him in the mess of sensations scattering your thoughts, one wrapped around his neck and the other burying itself in his hair as your lips pressed hard together in the next instant. Vergil always kissed you the same way when you made love, like he was starving and you were the first meal he was allowed in so many years. You could only hang on as his cock plunged in and out below, roughly pressing your hips into the bed as each breath mingled desperately between your molding lips and tongues. Desperate, mindless, both seeking pleasure from each other as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

And it was. Vergil felt like home, felt correct in the best way possible. Body to body, legs wrapping around his waist now as he fucked you into the mattress--one hand cupped your warming cheeks, the other bracing himself upwards so he didn’t crush you with his weight. Each soft sound of pleasure that came from his lips was like music, panting gasps or subdued moans that strained with each thrust into your sheath. You loved looking at his face, seeing him come undone with pleasure and lose all composure as he shared his body with you, became vulnerable with you.

You were so close now, his hips grinding against your clit with each thrust. It was quite the sensation, feeling his  cock bumping your cervix every time he buried himself deep inside and feeling so very filled to the brim. The growing orgasm was coming much faster than you thought it would, your body still just as sensitive and absolutely trembling as it pushed for that pleasure like your life depended on it. Christ, how would you be able to work after this? He was so easily making a mess out of you, and something about that was absolutely tantalizing. Not that he was any better--you could already tell he was getting close too, the son of Sparda burying his face against your neck and body tense as he ground himself inside of you with a desperation that was starting to match your own.

“Y/N...fuck…” He hissed, voice low and breathless as he pressed his mouth to your skin, words slightly muffled as he moaned, “You feel so good, I can’t--fuck--”

You couldn’t even form a reply other than a wordless moan of your own, head tilted back and eyes squeezed shut as your orgasm started to crest. It throbbed through your insides, hips jolting upwards as a half sobbed cry of release left your lips and your body clenched around him like a vise. The half-breed grit his teeth, the tightening around his cock sending him to his own peak shortly after. His hips stuttered in their thrusts, a hoarse groan muffled against your skin as he buried himself deep to fill you up with his load. You could have melted at the feeling of him spilling inside, body going limp with satisfaction and toes curling into the mattress as you rode out the storm of pleasant sensations. Warm, thick, and so very deep--making love to him felt so perfect, and getting to have him again and again was more than you ever thought you’d be allowed. Bad memories, pain, suffering...they couldn’t have been further from you both at that moment, quietly coming down from your orgasms in the safety of your bedroom.

You don’t know how much time passed with you there, Vergil’s body pressed to your own but careful not to crush you with his weight. The throb of pleasure was quieting now into a warm glow, limbs limp and body deliciously spent as you let out a soft, contented sigh. An ideal way to spend your day involved staying like this with him for hours, maybe longer, and getting to enjoy each other as much as you wanted. That wasn’t likely today, but it still felt nice to lie there for a few moments, sharing warmth and listening to both heartbeats slow to something far more tame. Your fingers idly traced patterns on his relaxing back muscles, your other hand in his hair and gently stroking the slightly damp locks out of his face. You could feel him melt under your touch, breathing evening out considerably and eyes closing as he savored the comfort of your affections for just a bit longer.

He never wanted to stop feeling them. And neither did you.

You expected him to pull back as he always did, to kiss you on the lips and remark upon how you should probably start getting ready. Instead, you were surprised when he let out a soft breath, tone low and uncharacteristically gentle as he wrapped both arms around your spent form.

“I love you,” He murmured, stroking one hand up into your hair and pressing a tender kiss to your jaw, “Thank you...for loving me, for...choosing me.”

Your breath caught at his words, that familiar pang of emotions squeezing your heart as you recognized the vulnerability and hesitation in his tone. Even after four months, you could feel how each past mistake weighed upon the son of Sparda, making him feel undeserving of you, undeserving of anything. No doubt Nero’s constant reminders weren’t helping with that, nor did the Outsider’s trials all that time ago. You wished that there was more that could be done to ease his pain, but knew that the only way that he could change for the better was to embrace the mistakes and do better in the future. He was, after all, half human.

So you wrapped both arms around his neck, heart beating faster in your chest as you pressed your face to his silvery-white hair and smiled softly, voice absolutely truthful in your reply to the son of Sparda.

“I love you too--and I will always choose you.”

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[airybby]

Love in the Air

Part 2

a/n um yes i am alive hello this took a while n honestly im just being impatient bc i want to get further into the story where its more fun for, um, reasons but im very excited for it!!

1.2k words - Love in the Air Masterlist

It was easier to talk to Akaashi than you thought it would be, and It was comfortable being around him. Once you were able to get over the enchanted stupor he would put you under you found how truly relaxing his presence was. You’d still find your eyes naturally draw towards him when you were together, but just as often you’d catch him silently staring towards you. You got to understand how he melded so well with his group of friends, and how he managed to get along so well with Bokuto. You got to know him and it was so much more than you had originally thought.

At first, as much as he was captivating, he was - at least had seemed - placid and distant and the more the two of you would meet up to put everything together the more you realized that his tranquil nature was truly just surface level.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to include this bit in it?” you asked him. The dinner was only a few days away, and the gift near finished save for a few minor details you were adding together.

“Yes, if we changed it at all it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t really sound like Konoha if he wasn’t picking at Bokuto a little bit,” he said sipping his now lukewarm coffee. “This is his nicer version, too, because I told him it is a gift that everyone will see.”

“How kind of him,” you said while adding the final touches to the file on your laptop.

He watched you as you worked, your latte cold and half-finished pushed to the other side of the table. You turned to meet his gaze and smiled.

“You know, it might be kind of funny if we just, didn’t add his bit to it for getting it to you so last minute.”

Akaashi grinned at the thought. “He would say his piece either in this or in front of everyone during the reception in a toast.”

“Exactly, it’d be funny,” you said.

“For everyone except Bokuto.”

“Has that stopped you all before?”

“No, not really,” he laughed.

You worked on finishing the video together, trying not to think about how after this you didn’t have an excuse to meet up with him like this as frequently anymore, and once the wedding was over none at all. All that could really be hoped for was that he wouldn’t turn down going out to get coffee together once the wedding was over and that you could maintain whatever friendship you’d build over the last few weeks.

“I’ll miss this,” you thought as you began packing your laptop and heading towards the exit together. You’d miss how refreshing and easy it was to just talk with him and have fun. How he would think things through carefully and then miss something completely obvious. Every time you would have your meetings for the gift at the coffee shop he became less a fascinating enigma and more real, and the more you found yourself charmed by him. Heading home wasn’t really what you wanted to do right now.

“I’ll see you at the rehearsal dinner,” you said as you waved your goodbye to him. “Thanks for putting this together with me.”

“Yeah of course,” he paused looking as if he wanted to say more, his fingers fidgeting down at his side. “Actually, can I ask you for a favor?”

His unease heavy enough that it was showing slightly in his face was… interesting to say the least. It wasn’t often that you’d see him so obviously unsure.

“What favor?” you asked, more curious about why he seemed so uncomfortable than whatever favor he needed.

“Would you mind being my date for the dinner and the reception?”

Not quite the favor you were expecting

“I’m really kind of tired of the boys, mostly Kuroo and Bokuto, pestering me about asking someone,” he continued. “And I really don’t want Hana to go out of her way to push me to ask someone she finds. It also will be easier because we have to do so much together and help with the wedding.”

“Sure.” You said as you burst into giggles at his sudden rant. “It would honestly save me from the same fate if Hana had found out I didn’t have a plus one yet.”

“Great,” he sighed. “I’ll see you at dinner in a few days.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you then.”

---------

The rehearsal dinner was stressful, but it was a lot of fun. You enjoyed seeing your best friend so happy, and you knew she’d be calling you later with the look she gave when she saw you walk in with Akaashi.

Once everyone finished eating you asked Akaashi to go and set up the projector as you asked for everyone’s attention.

“This is a little gift from the rest of us to the two of you. I got pictures and recordings of everyone sharing stories and memories they’ve shared with the both of you and wishing you both the best in the future. We’re all really happy for the two of you.” you finished with a smile and sat down, Akaashi taking the seat next to you as the short video began to play.

It was great to see everyone enjoying it, and the warm smile Hana had the whole time it played. Once the video finished and everyone was getting ready to leave she made her way over to you and held you in a tight hug.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I couldn’t have asked for a better maid of honor.”

“Don’t think I didn’t see you tearing up while you watched it,” you said as you handed her a USB with a copy of it for her to keep. You laughed as she smacked your shoulder, her own giggles joining in.

“By the way, when you get home later you’re going to call me and you’re telling me absolutely everything,” she said with a devious grin, glancing towards Akaashi who stood a few feet away. You rolled your eyes.

“Of course,” you said as you gave her a quick hug goodbye and turned to walk back to Akaashi.

“Ready to go?” he asked.

“Yeah”

The walk home with him was peaceful and the night was cool. Akaashi glanced down at you as he walked you home, your grin never leaving your face.

“In a good mood?” he questioned, watching as you turned to look at him.

“Yeah, I’m glad that everyone really seemed to love the video.” you beamed. Your heart felt full and warm, but more than how well your little surprise went, you were glad that you were allowed to have this short moment on your way home with him.

“Mmm, me too,” he said. “Bokuto is a generally cheerful and happy person, but the only other times I’d see him smile like that were at Hana.”

“Yeah, it was nice to see,” you whispered as you approached the doors to your apartment. “Thank you, for helping me with it. And walking me home.”

“Of course,” he said as he watched you turn to open your door. “Once the wedding is over we should meet up and get lunch together.”

You almost dropped your keys in surprise at the thought, but looked back at him and smiled.

“I’d really like that.”

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#Love in the Air #part 2 finally done hehe #still feel much anxiety writing this and posting it ahahahaha #but im happy with it i guess #writing it tho my brain felt like putty doo doo #part 3 shouldnt take too long n is mostly wedding fluff so itll be fun #pt 4 tho... #hehe #no spoilers tho #any guesses? #akaashi keiji #akaashi #akaashi x reader #haikyuu!! #haikyuu

[obeymematches]

hi there, could i request a matchup?

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im a 5'4 female, im pretty medium sized with an a hourglass figure. i have tan /light brown skin, with some freckles on my nose/cheeks, arms and legs, and light brown eyes. i have really curly hair, but its normally kept short and to my neck or jawline. sometimes im very insecure about my looks, especially after a draining day at school. usually, im fine and i do enjoy everything about myself. my insecurities come and go with certain situations.

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i am a little bit of an ambivert. i really only let myself be silly and open around people who i want to know, or who i already know! i have really bad anxiety, and i have bad coping mechanisms for my idle/nervousness, such as scratching my limbs, or obsessively pulling out my hair. (they are very bad habits to break, but i try everyday.)

my MBTI type is INTP. along with this, i can get irritated pretty easily, especially when im tired / just woken up. im also very emotional! i can go through many emotions in one moment, but when i finally settle on one that fits the mood, i'll stay like that for a while.

i can be very unmotivated, and it takes alot of of my system for me to sit down and make time to actually get work done, but thats okay! once i start, i dont stop and i can confidently turn all my work in before its late. in other words, im an extremely good and sucessful procastinator.

i dont like to think of myself of a nice person, but everyone says i am! i try not to come off as soft, but sometimes a few things slip through the cracks and i will start willingly go out of my way to make someone feel better, or just because i was thinking about them.

i dont like the feeling of 'having a crush' on somebody, because i feel vunerable, and i start getting even more nervous than i already am to begin with. (crush goes along with romantic feelings, as well as platonic! i have friend crushes, if that makes sense.)

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i used to do ballet for around 6 years, but now i do water sports (polo, competitive swimming, diving!)

a side sport/hobby i do is western horse riding. being isolated from a city and just being in a somewhat 'outdated' old fashioned place has its benefits, and its very relaxing for me!

i also enjoy making edits using adobe programs, and videostar. its just something to distract myself with if im feeling down or bored!

i have a small hobby in gaming, as well. i mostly play indie or 'escapism' games on my switch, like stardew valley, animal crossing, minecraft etc..

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thank you so much! i tried to make this easy to read and understand by splitting it up. thank you for your time!!✨

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Hello!! ✨ ✨ ✨

Thank you for sending in a request! Sorry for the wait ;; i hope you like the result! 

reminding me of stardew like that ;; i wanted to marry alex but will that ever happen.. i abandoned my boy...

okay sooo I decided to match you with either Belphie, Beel or Levi...

I match you with Levi. this was a very hard decision to make, ngl

Here is why i chose him though:

Okay so this man is insecure af. He definitely understands what you mean when you are insecure - but he is confused by the very same fact! How is someone as pretty as you could feel insecure???? 

He definitely enjoys the fact that you are better at socializing than him so you might help him out a bit. He also enjoys that you are not on the other end of the spectrum though. 

He deals with anxiety himself as well so i’m sure he could suggest you some methods that might help! However the best would be if you could also help him out a bit to give both of your confidences some boost! 

Levi can definitely be driven by emotions too from time to time so hopefully nothing too dramatic will happen out of that - I just think it helps you understand the other more spiritually. Also he will just learn to not really bother you on the early hours of the morning, so that’s something that can be solved. 

The fact that you procastinate isn’t a turn off for him, so it’s a relationship where you two accept the other’s negative traits without any conflicts arising or annoying the other long-term.

Okay so we all know that he has a kink for being mean to him so you attempting to appear that way is a turn-on for him. However you having a soft side is something he finds cute and it’s nice that you are sweet enough to reassure him in case he gets hurt or you say something you didn’t actually mean, you know that kind of stuff

Oh god he also has some trouble when it comes to liking or loving someone. He is a tsundere but more like he just doesn’t believe you actually love him. Hopefully you are determined enough to convince him of your feelings! It might reasult in some awkward scenes but it will be worth it for sure! 

Your hobbies are all very active so it’s kind of an opposites attract situation going on here... I mean in a healthy relationship hobbies doesn’t really matter. Both of you can try the other’s and maybe some you’ll pick up, some you wouldn’t ever try. It might not be easy to find a topic in common at first and he will definitely think of you as a normie forever. He will be so ashamed that he fell for a normie, imagine his reaction oh noo 

I think video games will probably let you two connect a bit more. Sure the types of games you like are different, but he will definitely invite you to be his player 2! 

I think theres definitely some mutual understanding on an emotional, deeper level, even if on the surface and hobbies are rather different. 

#obey me #obey me! #obey me shall we d #swd obey me #obey me swd #obey me levi #levi obey me #om! levi #leviathan obey me #obey me leviathan #obey me matchup #om! #submission

[heydocpotts]

☕️ the end of endgame?

stupid. absolutely stupid. not just stupid either: surface level endings for all of them. pure clownery.

1. steve going back to the past to be with peggy and therefore erasing her family, her kids and her husband, the happiness she found/made for herself without him because she moved on was the most dumbass thing ive ever seen. they relegated her to a love interest just like sharon carter. she made that choice; she made her own happiness beyond him. she had a life with people she loved and who loved her in turn. and they erased all of it so steve could take his happiness.

2. killing off tony was only done so the russo brothers could fuck around with time travel they barely understood. they very easily couldve ended it with hope for the mcu: tony stark marrying pepper with the promise of morgan on the way. the sins of the abusive fathers theme finally cut off with a new father saving everyone. the conception of morgan paralleling a new age of young avengers.

3. killing tony was also fucked up because it sends that shit message yet again that mentally ill people will never get their happy ending. we waited for ten years for him to finally, finally have a good life and they put a timer on it. they forced him to give it up and sacrifice his own well being and happiness again and as heroic and in character as it was, it was a slap in the face. im tired of that stupid "well sometimes theres no happy ending" bs. says who? its a fucking disney movie, not game of thrones. marvel was built on the idea of hope.

3. natasha made all of it possible and got not one scene of acknowledgment. im so happy tony was finally appreciated- but where the fuck were the heroes grieving for her? where are my black widow murals? where are my black widow monuments??

4. i hate that they gave valkyrie the throne as much as i respect and love her. hot take: valkyrie is a soldier and a warrior- she was never taught to rule. thor spent his whole arc learning what it meant to be a real ruler who cared for the well being of his people and then they turned him into a joke who foisted off that duty the first chance he got. thor 3 literally focused on him coming into his own and realizing his power came from with in, that he was more than mjølnir. taika helped him grow- the fucking russos erased that.

5. they took rhodey's ability to walk. (he's stronger than ever now but that still stands.) they took his best friend. they took took away the love of pepper's life. they took away morgan's father. they took away peter's father figure and made him watch him die. they fucking destroyed the iron family, the group whose shoulders held the mcu from the beginning.

6. this movie was lazy. lazy surface level writing that didnt showe a deeper understanding of any of the characters. natasha and tony got in character endings but at a ridiculous, unnecessary price.

#im pissed just thinking about it again #endgame #a4

[jichew]

college!hyunsuk au♡part two

a/n: the long awaited part two is here!! thank you all again for the love on part one :((( idk how to make links so you if you haven’t read that, just go through my ygtb imagine tag to find that. I thought this was much needed considering all the hate suk is getting lately :/ feel free to leave any questions/asks/comments in my inbox! mwah ♡ 

so it’s been a while since the night of the party

first things first, mina and gon are a couple nowヽ(*＾ω＾*)ﾉ

you really never thought you could see any of your friends in a romantic relationship but these two go so well together uwu

they’re kind of like the resident mom and dad couple

and because of that, your two friend groups have officially been adopted by them!!

and at first you were lowkey scared of his friends ,,, esp seunghun

but when you found out he’s actually just a puppy in a buff man’s body , shit got LIT

idk what i meant by lit, it just seemed to fit

anyway

so you guys basically hang out every day, usually congregating at the boy’s place bc they’re sophomores and have their own apartment

and u and hyunsuk are basically besties now

now,,, you can’t deny you were very attracted to him before

lol don’t tell anyone but u still kinda are(๑>◡<๑)

but you just assumed it was surface level and decided he was better as a best friend anyway

so basically you guys found out you share a bunch of the same classes

and now you guys walk to all ur classes together!!!

and suk brings u iced coffee in the morning

and walks you back to your dorm at night

and sometimes you guys hold hands

╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

you’re also his calculus tutor now

and in return he buys you food!!

usually that would be a pretty good tradeoff but tutoring hyunsuk is so,,,hard

“so can you complete this problem using integration by parts?”

“if you give me a kiss on the cheek, yes”

(O_O)

this man is really after your heart isn’t he

hyunsuk flirting with you is kind of a common occurence

“fuck you suk”

“fuck me yourself you coward”

(´⊙ω⊙`)

anyway,,,,,

usually it’s just harmless pickup lines

but sometimes,,,, you’ll be doing homework or listening to lecture, and he’ll just stare at you

“what r u looking at”

“how pretty you look today”

HOW DARE HE

＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

and you can’t help how your heart flutters when that happens

but also, you have to force yourself to snap out of it bc this is hyunsuk we’re talking about :///

he’s just so ,,, out of your league

not only that, but you were sure he had this flirty nature around everyone

and even if he did magically end up liking you, you didn’t want to risk losing him as a friend

(◞‸◟)

sad hours: activated

so it’s been a few weeks and the guys decided to throw a party before everyone left for thanksgiving break

obviously the whole gang™ is invited

tonight,,, you are NOT drinking

bc you are a responsible individual who has decided to be the designated driver for the night

＼＼\\٩( 'ω' )و //／／

but some other people have different plans

right as you guys walk in the door, your eyes are immediately drawn to hyunsuk

perhaps it’s because he looks so completely ethereal with the top few buttons of his dress shirt undone, smile glowing under the dim lights of the living room

or perhaps its because he’s taking shots like there’s no tomorrow

hhnnggggg

and your inner mom is just like

“HYUNSUK NO”

“HYUNSUK YES”

and then he downs his fifth shot of the night

so now you’re hyunsuk’s babysitter for the night

y/n, you really outdid yourself

so after maybe two hours of smacking solo cups out of suk’s hand and watching him try to wall twerk to eyes noes lips,,,

he’s FINALLY gotten tired

\( ˆoˆ )/

so now you guys are just chilling in the living room

most people have left so its just the og gang

and hyunsuk’s just laying on the sofa with his head in your lap

(^-^)

and normally you would find that cute, but you’re still kind of mad at him for getting so drunk

＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

but you can’t help yourself from playing with his hair bc you’re whipped lol

anyway,,,you’re kind of zoned out of the conversation and you’re pretty sure hyunsuk is falling asleep

until you feel his hand grab yours while it’s still in his hair

which kind of brings u back to reality

and u look down at suk

and he’s just looking up at you with his eyes all crinkly and a goofy smile on his face

and he’s just like

“y/n you’re so pretty” (´∀｀)

and you’re kinda like (^.^) but also ur like

“lol suk ur drunk”

and then he’s like

“NO”

and suddenly he’s sitting up and hugging you super tight, his face buried into your chest

at first your like (o_o)

because this is hyunsuk and his face is literally in your boobs hhngg

finally you snap out of it and you’re like

“THATS IT, IM TAKING YOU TO BED”

and suddenly everyone’s just looking at you two like

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

and you’re like

(・・?)

and you realize hyunsuk still has his face in your boobs

and suddenly he properly sits up

and brings his face really close to yours

and you’re just frozen like (°_°)

but you can’t help but notice how soft his lips look right now

and the way he’s staring at you, you just know he knows the effect he has on you

and you’re wondering how socially acceptable it would be if you just closed the distance with your lips

and you suddenly realize how frantically your heart is beating

“you want to take me to bed?” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

this HOE

FINALLY u snap out of it

“t-that’s not what i meanthhbbdjnj”

and you’re just stumbling over ur words

and suk has that drunk dopey smile on his face again

and everyone’s still looking at u two like ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

and you just take his hand and drag his short ass up the stairs and make him lay in his bed

“i love a woman who’s domineering in the bedroom” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

“shut the FUCK up” (● ˃̶͈̀ロ˂̶͈́)੭ꠥ⁾⁾

but once suk is finally tucked in his bed

he calms down

and as ur about to leave

he grabs ur wrist quickly

and u weren’t expecting it so you kind of stumble on to him

and you guys are really close in proximity again

and he whispers in a soft voice

“y/n, you know i like you right?”

you can’t lie that your heart stutters for a second

but you smell the alcohol in his breath

so you heave a sigh

and gently kiss his forehead

“sweet dreams hyunsuk”

and you leave the room

uhhh so like fast forward two days to the monday after the party

you,,,, have kinda been ignoring everyone

ESPECIALLY hyunsuk

you’re just so

hnbbggggghhhhhdhhdhbdh

＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

so here’s the thing

you like hyunsuk

you KNOW you like hyunsuk

you’ve basically admitted it to yourself that your head over heels for him

and you KNOW he doesn’t feel the same for you

but the way he acted with at the party the other day made you think different

and you’re so CONFLICTED

i mean he was drunk????

if he actually liked you, wouldn’t he act that way when he WASN’T drunk?

and it just makes you sad more than anything

so you stay in your dorm all day

and you ignore suk’s calls

because he’s been calling you since the next morning

but you can’t bring yourself to hear his voice, let alone TALK to him

and you know there’s no way he can get to you bc you’re in your dorm all day

until you hear a knock on your door

and you look through the peephole and see mina

and you’re debating opening the door or not bc you really look and feel a mess and you’re just sad and embarrassed

“I KNOW YOU’RE THERE OPEN THE DOOR OR I’ll KICK IT DOWN MYSELF”

and you lowkey believe her

so you open the door

and you look at her

and she looks at you

and then you just start SOBBING

as if you weren’t already a mess, you’re even MORE of a mess now

so mina has closed the door and guided you to your bed

and she’s just letting you cry, patting your back and whispering comforting words

and when you finally calm down

you look up at her, tear tracks marking your cheeks, your nose red and runny

“mina, i really like him” (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

“i know”

...and you’re sobbing again

and then when you calm down again you’re like

“i don’t even know why i like him!! like sure he’s good looking and sure he has great fashion sense and sure he’s nice and cares about me and takes care of me and ...”

...surprise! you’re sobbing again

and mina just lets it happen

she knows you’re going through it

and when you’re finally out of tears

she looks at you and she’s like

“it’s ok to like him. it’s ok to like a guy. so what if he may not like you back? not that that’s true, but you never know until you try! and if he doesn’t, so what? you know your worth! and you are worth so much! don’t let a guy stop you from living your life, because you are so much more than that.”

mina for president 2020

and you look up at her

(´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

you’re so lucky to have her as a friend hhnng

so you’re feeling better now

and you skipped your classes on monday, because you were still getting it together

and you didn’t have any classes with suk on tuesday

and you think he knows you just need your space

bc he’s stopped calling you

but he’s still texting you

and you may have checked them and you may have squealed bc he called you babe

anyway

it’s wednesday

you know what that means

it has come full circle... the dreaded 9 am chem lecture

so you leave your dorm extra early

because you know you need the time

and you get to your class at 8:50

and right as you’re about to enter the building, you feel a hand grab your wrist

and by now, you know who it is

so you let him lead you a little away from the building where no one was

and he finally turns around and looks at you

and you can’t find it in yourself to look him in the eye

so you just look down at his hand that is still holding onto yours

and you gently pry his fingers from around your wrist

and you let your arms rest at your sides

“y/n....why have you been ignoring me”

you already feel tears coming on

but you bring your hands together in front of you, still staring at the ground

“it was only three days” you mumble

and he’s quiet for a sec

“i missed you”

lol ur rlly whipped and you know it

you finally look up at him

and he just has the most devastated look on his face

and you can’t tell if it’s the glare from the sun, but his eyes look watery

and he his lips are pouted

and he just looks like a kicked puppy

and everything in you is just SCREAMING to hug him and apologize and tell him everything will be ok

but,,,,you have to do this ... for yourself and mina ＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

so you take a deep breath and look him in the eye

it takes a while for you to formulate words but

“why do you always flirt with me like that?”

“wha-“

“when you know i like you, why would you play with my feelings like that? i thought you had some respect for me, but it’s so degrading when you lead me on just to reject me later! this isn’t some game suk...”

you finally take some time to breathe and take a look at him

and his face is just blank

and his mouth is kind of open

and he’s staring at you ~like that~

and you’re about to snap at him again

but then he opens his mouth to say something

“...you like me?”

you’re kinda confused

“obviously, you know this already???”

he just stares at you for a little longer

and he kind of looks like he’s about to cry again

“...no i didn’t”

uhhh huh

now you’re the one who’s speechless

he takes a little step closer to you

your heart is starting to beat really fast again

“you know i only every flirt with you right....and it’s not because i think it’s funny, well i mean it is kinda funny -“

you: ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

suk: ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

“anyway.... i only ever flirt with you... because i like you too”

he kind of whispered the last part

but you heard it

and you’re looking at the ground but you can’t help the smile growing on your face

so you just close the gap and hug him

and he’s kind of unresponsive at first

but he lets his arms wrap around your waist and pull you closer to him, his head falling into your hair

and you can’t see his face but you know he’s smiling bc u are too

you lean back a bit to look at him

and you notice the way his eyes keep flickering between your eyes and lips

and as much as you would love to kiss his pouty lips, you have to put ur foot down

“NOT IN THIS HOUSEHOLD WE ARE LATE FOR CHEM LECTURE”

and that’s the beginning of a beautiful relationship

･:*+.\(( °ω° ))/.:+

#ygtb #yg treasure box #ygtb scenario #ygtb imagine #yg treasure box scenario #yg treasure box imagine #choi hyunsuk #choi hyunsuk imagine #hyunsuk #hyunsuk imagine #ygtb imagines #ygtb scenarios

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1/6 Hi! Im the questioning bi enby anon that is afraid of having ruined their life by questioning lol What can I do if there are no ways to chat to a professional online without spending money (im not economically independent) in my area? I dont live in the US and everything seems to be there. Aside from the pandemic, im not ready to go to any group in person yet. I’m very distressed about my queerness, to the point where it’s difficult to concentrate on other things like study.

2/6Part of me hopes this is not real and im just imagining things.I do have a therapist, but one time she made a weird comment about tinder including multiple sexualities so I never felt good about telling her about my possible bisexuality, but now things have escalated and im having suicidal thoughts in regards of my gender. I talked to an online friend about this but ofc these are things that exceeds him

3/6 i dont want to act on my thoughts, but im tired of having them so I considered talking to my therapist about this and see if she can relocate me with a gender therapist or something (and telling my parents something else) but im not sure if that’s a good idea

4/6 i do keep a journal and a private blog, but sometimes putting my thoughts there doesn’t make me feel better and I struggle to find the words to what im feeling. It used to help me a lot for other things, but for some reason is not as effective for this

5/6 i have joined a group online for nonbinary people but we cant talk about things regarding suicide and it seems like most ppl are more chill about these things that I am and sometimes it makes me feel worse to be in a group because it reminds me that I probably dont fit in standard society. I hate being sad about this.

6/6 so my questions are basically if there is somewhere i can talk to in chat without being US exclusive or requiring money and if it’s a good idea to tell my therapist about this even if she may have some prejudices. Honestly I dont know what to do, i want my life back lol (Tiger answered my previous ask, if they can answer this too it would be nice. If anyone else has something to say its welcome)

Hi anon. Have you actually told your therapist about your suicidal thoughts, if not about the cause of them? I think you do need to talk to a professional about these thoughts, ideally someone who is at least sympathetic towards queer people (if not queer themself) and qualified to address the suicidal thoughts with you (though obviously someone with experience of dealing with suicidal thoughts stemming from sexuality/gender related issues would be best, but may not be possible to find easily). Since you do already have a therapist I think she should at least be your starting point for this. Even if perhaps she doesn’t really understand queer identities she should at least be able to talk through the suicidal thoughts more with you and if she is not able to address the gender/sexuality issues specifically herself perhaps she can point you in the direction of those who are more understanding about those issues specifically (and if she is outright bigoted and unhelpful about this then she’s not a good therapist and you really need a better one but hopefully that won’t be the case, she may well be just lacking an understanding of other identities currently. Lots of people do make vaguely offensive comments about queer identities but because they’re ignorant not because they’re actually hateful).

Also I don’t want to pry too much but are your suicidal thoughts purely coming from your gender/sexuality issues or are there other things too? Other issues that you’re trying to deal with too, or mental health issues, something like depression or anxiety that may itself be causing or contributing to the suicidal thoughts? Because I’m certainly no expert in dealing with these things despite my own issues but if there are other issues in play here then those may need managing (or managing differently to the way they’re being managed currently) in addition to addressing the issues you’re experiencing specifically in regard to your gender/sexuality issues. Again I think that is something your therapist is going to be best placed to address, whether she can deal with it herself or needs to direct you to someone else.

I’m afraid I don’t really know very much myself about what kind of resources there are for people to access, about either specifically queer issues or suicidal thoughts and especially when I don’t know what country you are in. Where actually are you, anon? Unfortunately a lot of things will be US-centric or US-only, but most countries must have some kind of resources for queer people as well as broader support for suicidal people generally. (If anyone does have suggestions for those kind of things that may help anon then please add to this.) 

If it helps, you definitely aren’t alone and you aren’t the only one to have issues with or related to your orientation or gender or to feel isolated from ‘standard society’. Maybe it feels like you’re the only one like this but I promise you, you’re not, all of us who don’t fit the ‘norms’ and the ‘standards’ of wider society are probably going to feel excluded or isolated or invisible because of this at some point and feel varying levels of anguish over this. And while many people are chill about their gender or sexuality and some people it’s true never really experience any issues with them, many aren’t really that chill about it at all and only appear so on the surface, or many only become happier and accepting and able to embrace their identities after doing a huge amount of questioning and worrying and stressing out and having to seek help and support from others. And many people are going to be happy about it sometimes and then experience issues at other times, they’re not going to be constantly happy. Also many of your issues related to gender are probably very similar to many binary trans people’s issues and experiences. I know that there is still a lot of erasure of and even bigotry towards non-binary people even within parts of the wider trans community but overall I think there is more understanding and acceptance than erasure and bigotry there, so don’t think you automatically have to limit yourself to non-binary specific groups and communities because there is often huge amounts of overlap between non-binary and binary trans people’s experiences and in some ways they can be practically identical.

My main advice really anyway is try to talk to your therapist about this, she is there to help you and even if she may not feel able to deal with your specific issues herself she still has an obligation to help you and she should be able to guide you towards someone who is better placed to deal with them.

- Tiger

#suicide mention #Anonymous

[dragonasheswrites-blog]

The Heaven We Didn’t Choose, Chapter 14: In Which Much is Explained

...And Undyne plays therapist.

First: Chapter 1: In Which a Child Makes a Friend

Previous: Chapter 13: In Which Nothing Good Lasts Forever

Next: Chapter 15: In Which Sans is Hired

Click here for the story overview.

Weeks passed in a similar manner.  Though Sans didn’t breathe a word about Attie, or Frisk, or his missing phone data, he thought about them almost constantly.  It seemed like Attie and Frisk took up almost as much of his life in their absence as they had when they were actually part of it.

He made sure not to walk past Frisk’s house on his way to and from the park where he sold hot dogs.  It was pretty far out of his way, actually, especially on sore feet.  He couldn’t even remember why he’d started using that route in the first place.  It was much easier to take the straight path through the heavily monster-populated part of town, even if he could feel eyes on him.

The feeling was particularly strong one evening as he was walking home from his sentry shift.  He was almost sure someone was following him, but that could’ve been a trick of his half-mad mind.  Pulling double shifts on top of selling hot dogs was utterly exhausting, even though - or, perhaps, because - it had been such a boring job lately.  Sure, sentries were technically supposed to keep humans out of Mount Ebott and dangerous monsters in, but few people were stupid or reckless enough to try crossing either way.  Every once in a while some dumb human teenagers would dare each other to go up the mountain, but they were easily turned back.  Sans hadn’t had that pleasure in...well, since long before he met Attie.

He glanced over his shoulder.  His shadow didn’t duck behind the building fast enough, and he caught a glimpse.  A single figure, humanoid, face covered by the hood of a jacket.  Dark clothing.  Short, around his height.  Slender.  The faint outline of a rounded chest.

...What was a lone woman doing out at night in this part of town?  And tailing him, no less?

She was following him relatively closely, which was...not as annoying as Sans thought it would be.  At least if someone got stupid and jumped her he’d be close enough to hear the ruckus and intervene if things got out of hand.  He resolutely ignored the idea that he wouldn’t have cared before Attie came into his life.

The woman stalked him past Grillby’s, and he resisted the urge to stop in for a drink.  Grillbz would report to Boss if there was enough money in it for him, and Boss was still unusually cranky.  The last thing Sans wanted was a repeat of his punishment from the day Attie disappeared; that had been nearly a month ago, and he still felt a little sore when he stood for long periods of time.

Sighing to himself, Sans cut back towards his apartment building.  Hopefully she’d just confront him and get it over with.

He held the door to the building open with one foot and shifted, watching the woman tense from the corner of his eye socket.  “You comin’ in or what?”

She sidled along the building, a little unsteadily, and put a hand on the door.  As she passed him, the yellow glow of the bare bulb in the hallway highlighted the curves of a familiar jaw and cheekbone.

“F-Frisk?”

Frisk held a finger to her lips and stepped into the hallway, letting him close the door behind her.  She made a motion with her hand that took Sans a moment to decipher.

“O-oh, yeah.  Uh.  Sure.  C’mon in.”

He lead the way up to the apartment he and Boss shared, took a deep breath, and opened the door.

“SANS!  You sack of SHIT, you’re LATE!”

Sans dodged Boss’s attack on instinct, then felt his very soul stutter.  Frisk had been behind him.  He turned to look, but thankfully she stood…

...well, mostly unharmed.  She had a scratch on her left arm from wrist to elbow, skin and a thin line of blood showing through the tear in her jacket.  Considering the trajectory of Boss’s attack and the fact that she’d been caught by surprise in the narrow hallway, it was impressive.

“Kiddo, let’s-”

“Oh, Ambassador Dreamurr!  I apologize.  My underling-”  Boss kicked Sans out of the doorway- “Neglected to tell me that we would be having such a prestigious visitor in our humble home.  Are you harmed?”

Sans heard Frisk confirm that she was mostly alright.  The attack had been aimed him, after all; it hadn’t been very damaging.  She accepted Boss’s invitation to enter the apartment, but not his offer of dinner.

“SANS, GET OUT.  The Ambassador has something to discuss with me.”

He nodded and limped towards the door.  Grillby’s it was, then.

“Actually,” Frisk said, not moving from her spot in the doorway, “I need to speak with Sans for a moment.”  She glanced between him and Boss, amusement evident in the slight quirk of her eyebrow; Sans could only imagine what their expressions looked like.   “Alone, please, Papyrus.”

“Yes, your highness.”  Boss saluted and strode back towards his bedroom, shooting a very nasty glare at Sans as he went.

Screw this up, and you’re dust, the glare said.

Sans gulped audibly.   Message received.

Then they were alone.

“Do you, uh, want to sit...down?”

“Alright,” Frisk responded.  She headed not towards the couch that he’d been vaguely indicating but towards the dining room table.  He shrugged lightly and followed her.

They sat across from each other for a long moment, neither speaking.  He wasn’t sure how to break the silence without violating Boss’s rules, so he waited for Frisk to start first.

“I owe you,” she said, finally. Her voice was low, like she didn't want Boss to overhear.

“Uh…”

“What do you want?”  The question held a lot less animosity than Sans had been expecting, especially considering how completely she’d cut him out of her life.

“I…”   I want to see Attie again, he yearned to say.   Just for a moment.  Just to make sure she’s okay, and doing her Science and Math, and eating properly; nothin’ weird.  Just to say goodbye.

“Do you think Frisk wants a filthy pest like you in her daughter’s life?”

“I don’t...want anything,” he said, fiddling with his fingers.

“What?  Nothing?”

“Nope.  Never...uh, never did.”

And it was true.  From the day he’d found Attie in the bushes outside her house he hadn’t even considered collecting payment for his actions.  It showed a stunning lack of self-preservation on his part - Frisk was a powerful woman, and her favor could get him nearly anything he could ever want - but he was just...tired.

“Then, why-”

“I just didn’t want a kid to watch her mom die, okay?” He took a deep, needless breath, fighting to keep his voice down.  “I don’t...I don’t know where this idea came from that I want you dead’n a ditch somewhere, but that’s...not true, okay?  We...you ‘n me, we haven’t always gotten along, sure, but I don’t get along with most folks.  Hell, I don’t get along with Grillbz half the time.  Doesn’t mean I’m waitin’ in a back alley for him, tryin’ to extort money off ‘im whenever he’s having a bad day.”

“Okay, but you’ve done so much for us.  For me.”  Frisk’s hands pressed to the dingy tabletop without regard for the stains that littered its surface as she leaned towards him.  “Even if you didn’t help us so you could have something to hold over my head, isn’t there something you want?  I...I can talk to Papyrus about getting your shifts reduced, at least?  It isn’t fair that you should have to make up time when you were helping me.  It’s not like you were slacking off.”

“It’s fine.  Someone’s gotta watch the old place.”  And most of the other sentries had families, which was more of a consideration now than Sans wanted to admit.

“Okay, well...are you sure?  Is there anything you want?  Anything at all?”

A picture, he wanted to say.  You and Attie, smiling.  Just one - just something to remember the both of you by.  Something to remind me that you aren’t just the pretty painted statue I always see on TV.

“The ambassador’s daughter is too important a secret to be entrusted to the likes of you.”

He shook the thought away.  “Just...be happy, okay?  And make sure the kid does her Science.”  He couldn’t meet her eyes.

Weak, whispered his mind.   This is why you should stay away from them.  You’ll only drag them down to your level.

Frisk nodded, slowly, looking almost as lost as he felt.  “I...okay, I will.”

He gestured towards her ripped sleeve.  “And get your mom to patch that up, okay?”

“Alright,” she said.  She fidgeted with the ragged edge, apparently not bothered by the wound.  “Are...are you okay as well?”

“Fine.”

“Are you sure?  It looked like Papyrus kicked you-”

“I’m fine.  Really.”

Silence dragged on until it felt uncomfortable, then a few seconds past that.  Frisk watched him carefully the entire time, as if trying to peek into his soul by way of his eye sockets, but he forced all emotion down, down and away from her prying eyes.  There was no need for her to worry about scum like him.  “Well, then.  I suppose...I’d better leave you be, then.  And truly, Sans, thank you."

He nodded.  He didn’t think he could form words around all the things he couldn’t say.

“I’ll...see myself out.  If he asks, please let Papyrus know that I’m not happy with him; he’ll understand what it means.”  She stood, pushed in her chair, and was gone before Sans could think of a reason for her to stay.

He retreated to his room before Boss realized Frisk had left.  Passing on a message like that would probably cause a screaming fit, and he didn’t think he could handle another screaming fit.  His bones felt strangely fragile, like he was about to fall apart at any moment.  And what was there to keep him together?  Sans had just given up his best chance of getting everything he wanted, and he couldn’t tell if it was the right thing to do or the worst mistake of his life.

For most of the night he just sat on the edge of his mattress, face in his hands, and tried to ignore the tears that streamed down his cheekbones.

The next morning, he felt awful.  He hadn’t slept much at all but managed to drag himself out of bed on sheer force of habit.  The apartment seemed too quiet, just like it had every day for the past month.  How long would it take for him to get used to normalcy again?

Boss was out, as usual.  It abruptly occurred to Sans that he didn’t know what day it was.  He’d been counting days, sure (it had been 26 days since he'd last seen Attie), and it should be possible to figure out the day of the week from that, but he didn’t think his foggy mind would stand up to that much math.

He shuffled around in various pairs of dirty pants until he found his phone, only to find that it was dead.

Great.

It took only a moment to plug it in on his way to the kitchen, but even that felt like too much work.  It was surprisingly early; if he actually needed to go to his hot dog stand, he wouldn’t even have to run.  He stared for a long moment at the coffee machine, debating whether it was worth the effort.  On the one hand, it was even more work and he felt exhausted.  On the other hand...caffeine.

Deciding that caffeine was necessary to keep him going through the day, Sans dumped water and coffee grounds into the machine and started it up.

The door to his apartment slammed open just as the final drips of coffee were disappearing into the carafe.  For one terrible moment, he thought it was Boss; he nearly tripped over his own feet in an effort to get his back to the wall.

“...The hell, asshole?”

“Oh.  Hey, Undyne.”

“It’s CAP...y’know what?  Never mind.  Where’s your brother?”

“Uh...not here?”

“Don’t eff with me.  I can smell coffee.”

Sans wondered just how long Undyne had gone without sleep.  She looked nearly dead on her feet.  On the other hand, it was hilarious that she was still censoring her language around the apartment.  “Y’do remember that I can make coffee too, right?”

“Huh?  Oh, yeah, right.  Just didn’t think you’d bother.”

He sighed.  “Sit down, I’ll get you a mug.”

She grabbed at the piping hot carafe, ignoring the potential for burns.  “MUGS ARE FOR-”

“Yeah, yeah, but I want some too.  Go sit down or somethin’.”

Undyne actually sat down (in a chair, no less), which said a lot about her mental state.  She growled something under her breath when Sans moved the carafe, but settled down a little when he poked a mug of coffee into her field of vision.  The carafe itself followed, minus the contents of his own mug.

“See,” he said, sitting across from her at the table, “We can pretend to be all civilized.”

A skeptical eyebrow begged to differ.

“So, uh, whaddaya need Boss for?”

“He’s supposed to be on patrol around town this morning and he’s not answering his phone.  He always answers his phone.  So, that’s worrying.  Especially since there’s been an increase in weird stuff in the past few weeks, ever since...well.  You remember when Frisk was attacked by that bitch in the hospital?”

Sans did remember, but he was pretty sure the real “bitch” was the one who brought down the would-be assassin, not the assassin herself.  He knew better than to say that out loud, though.

“So, now that Frisk is able to perform the official interrogation we’re getting ready for the trial.  There’s a weirdly vocal group of humans who think we targeted this lady for some bullshit reason.  Don’t know who spread the rumors, but some of them are saying that we, I dunno, accused her at random because of her skin color??  Hah.  I don’t discriminate when taking down people who threaten my besties.”  She took an aggressive gulp of coffee, then refilled her mug.

“That’s weird.  Do they have any proof?  I mean, we caught this lady in the act.  We have video evidence of what happened.  ‘Ts not like we lined up a bunch’ve humans and framed the one that’d cause us the most trouble.”

“Eh, most of the human media won’t touch our footage; they say it’s fake.  Lotsa folks are saying we made up the whole thing, especially since the hospital’s official stance is that it was some kinda huge accident.  HAH!  I’m glad we got Frisk out of that place; one of the doctors was apparently bein’ a real creep.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.  Someone was tryin’ to get the hospital to keep her locked up for ‘mental distress’ or some kind of bullshit like that.  Kept tryin’ to turn away visitors, too.  That’s why there was the big rush to get her out of there.  Didn’t think you’d dump the kid on her right away, though.”

Sans’s head was spinning.  A doctor?  Was that Dr. Ray?  And: “...I didn’t dump the kid, Undyne.  Boss sent me out and passed off the kid before I got...uh, back.”

She stared at him.  “What are you talking about?”

“We’re talking about...about Frisk’s kid, right?”

“Yeah.  Attie.  You know her name, I know you do.”

He fidgeted.  He didn’t want to be having this conversation, especially not in his own dining room.  If Boss found out…

“Hey.”  Undyne leaned over.  “What the hell is going on in this dingy little apartment, anyways?  I get one story from Papyrus - and he’s my vice-captain; I know exactly how trustworthy he is - and I get another story from you.  What’s your game?”

“...Nothing?  Look.  I...I like the kid, okay?  Yeah, she was a little annoying at first, and I’m not convinced she won’t grow up to be a tyrant to rival Asgore, but...she kinda grew on me.  I tried to do my best with her, but Boss...he got worried.  He didn’t want Attie around someone like - well, like me - any longer than necessary.  I’m an asshole, remember?”

“Hmm.”  She finished up the last of the coffee, tilting the mug back to catch every last drop.  “Y’know, Papyrus can be a manipulative bastard sometimes, but usually I can call his bullshit.  This is just weird.  There’s no motivation for any of it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I texted him as soon as I heard that Frisk was released.  We needed security to escort her home and all that, especially since she wasn’t in particularly good shape.  He was in charge of that part.  He showed up with Attie and without you, which was weird.  Said you were tired of watchin’ the kid; to me, at least.  Told Frisk she missed her mom too much.”  She paused, rubbing her eyes.  “Actually...I guess I knew something was up.  Attie’s story didn’t match his, after all, but she’s scared enough of Papyrus that we figured she didn’t have the full story.   Dammit.”

“I mean...it’s not a big deal?”

A forceful punch made a dent in the tabletop.  “It IS a big deal, you ASSHOLE!  My vice-captain lied to me!  I mean, that’s normal - he’s overdue for his annual assassination attempt, after all - but I’m supposed to RECOGNIZE it!  I’m LOSING my EDGE!”

Sans shuffled around the table and took the chair next to Undyne.  He had the weird urge to pat her on the back, like he'd do for Attie when she was upset, but thankfully quashed it.  She’d probably bite his arm off if he tried.  “Hey, it was a weird situation for all of us.  Boss, uh, explained things to me after; I think he was just lookin’ out for the kid.  I’m really not the best caretaker, remember?”

“What did he tell you?”

“Uh, what?”

“What did he ‘explain’ to you about this?”

He thought back to his battle with Boss in the park.  “He, uh, said that Attie was too important to be trusted with me.  He pointed out that...well, I’m not the most reliable guy, y’know?  And Frisk and I haven’t really gotten along.”

Undyne examined him through her single narrowed eye.  “And yet, she snuck out of the house, past our defenses, and wound up here last night.  Now, why would that be?”

She knew about that?  Was it a setup?  “Uh...she was sayin’ thanks?  She thought she owed me somethin’.”

“IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION, YOU BAG OF BONES!  She came here because she DOESN’T hate your guts!  She CARES ‘bout you!  You impressed her!  She realized that you aren’t just the lazy shitstain you pretend you are!”

“But I am…”

“SHUT UP.  I’m Captain of the Royal Guard; I’ve seen your employee file.  Your real file.  The one without bizarre grease stains blotting out half the information.”

Sans hadn’t realized he’d missed a copy of those documents.   Good to know.

“I know what you’re capable of.  I know what you’ve done.  Oh, and while we’re on the topic: expect Asgore to give you a call sometime this afternoon about your... other job.”

“Okay…?”

“My point is, you pass yourself off as a lazy asshole.  Heck, most of the time you are a lazy asshole.  But somehow, Frisk saw something different.  Something she, well, doesn’t hate.  She really was grateful that you, y’know, saved her freakin’ life and took care of her kid out of the blue for a couple weeks, and she was a little hurt when you didn’t contact her at all after giving Attie back.  By the way, why didn’t you contact her after...well, after Attie went home?  They haven’t heard from you at all, which backed up what Papyrus said, but when they tried texting you their numbers were blocked. That's just not right.”

“So, uh, Boss kinda...messed with my phone.”

“WHAT?”

“He took off Frisk’s and Attie’s numbers, all the texts, the pictures…”

“WHAT?  Even the ones where we were doing training poses??”

He grabbed the carafe, started another pot of coffee, and scooted down the hallway to grab his phone.  It gave him whiny messages about having a low charge, but it turned on.

“Here,” he said, sliding it in front of Undyne.  “I don’t know how he blocked numbers, though.”  He didn’t want to watch her look through it - the missing pictures and texts still stung - so he retreated back into the kitchen to watch the coffee finish up instead.

He didn’t have many pictures left, so he was still fiddling with the coffee machine when she shrieked in outrage.  “THIS IS AWFUL!  Those were GREAT poses!”

“Yeah.  I sent ‘em to Frisk, y’know; she still has 'em, I bet.  She’d probably send them to you if you wanted.”

“HELL YEAH!  Hey, do you want them too?  You took ‘em, after all.  Even if he’s blocked Frisk’s number somehow, he wouldn’t dare block mine in case I need to text you for work.”

“Better not.  Boss still goes through my phone sometimes; if he finds a pic of Attie he’ll be pissed.”  He brought the full carafe to the table and set it in front of Undyne.  She needed it more than he did, and if it kept her talking…

“Hah.  Never understood why you put up with that bastard.  I mean, I put up with him because he’s got a good head for strategy and he’s a natural leader and I outrank him, but he just yells at you. And beats up on you, if Frisk's right about that.  That’s grounds for you to leave the family.  Why stay?”

“He’s...Boss?  I mean, we’ve always been that way.  Him ‘n me against the world.”

She downed an entire mug of coffee in one go.  “You know the world’s not like that anymore, right?  There’s only so much I can do as his boss, but there are other people willing to - urgh! - help.  Hell, go make puppy eyes at one of those human abuse rehab programs; they literally throw parties every time a monster shows up at their door.  They’d get you set up somewhere else.”

“C’mon,” he sighed, “Does that really sound like me?  Whatever you think you know about me from those files, I gave up a long time ago.”

A strange look grew across Undyne’s face.  It was the same look she wore when she had defeated a particularly challenging enemy, but without the wide-toothed grin.  “Attie misses you,” she said, voice carefully neutral.

Sans had no response to that.

“She told me so yesterday morning.  She’s sad that you won’t call her.  Thinks you don’t like her anymore.”

“Undyne, stop.”

“Hmm?  Why should I? I thought it didn't matter. I thought it wasn't a big deal.”

“Look.  It really is better if she just...forgets about me or somethin’.  ‘Sides, Boss said I’m not allowed to even say her name.  How’m I gonna-”

A fishy fist left another dent in the table.  “THAT’S THE POINT!  If Papyrus isn’t around, he’s not your ‘Boss’ anymore, right??  Yeah, I know it’s not normal for us to break up families, even now that we’re on the surface.  And I know that he's the head of your family.  But...sometimes you just gotta pick your battles, okay?  Besides, I KNOW you pay the bills around here.  You can move out any time you like.  File for emancipation so he can’t drag you back and all that.  And then maybe my besties will stop talking my gills off about how much they miss your bony ass.”

The thought of anyone missing his ‘ass’ was laughable, but he felt his skull turning colors anyways.  “I...uh, well, maybe.  I mean, it’s not so bad ‘round here, y’know?  And like you said, we’re family and I pay the bills.  Who’d take care of the ol’ place if I leave?”

“STARS, HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT, WOULD YOU??  THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU!”  She chugged the remainder of the coffee.  “NOW I’VE GOT A CAFFEINE HIGH AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!  I’VE GOTTA RUN THIS OFF BEFORE MY MEETING!  LET ME KNOW IF YOU SEE YOUR BASTARD OF A BROTHER!”

She slammed the door behind her, the sound echoing around in Sans’s skull.  She had a point, he knew.  There would be plenty of advantages to living alone.  No more punishments, more free time, the ability to cook his own meals…

...missed shifts because he didn’t get out of bed on time, time lost staring into nothing, crippling loneliness…

No, he wasn’t ready to go it alone, no matter how bad things got.  Boss was just...Boss.  Just the same as any other monster.  They were family, and that meant something to monsters.  Abandoning your family meant you were the lowest class of monster, worse than froggits.  Worse than dirt.  If Undyne and Frisk were worried, well, maybe they had forgotten just how bad things had been in the Underground.

He owed Boss, and that debt would never be repaid.

With a heavy soul, he tied his sneakers on and made his way over to his hot dog stand.

Boss, as it turned out, had been summoned by Asgore sometime early in the morning.  Undyne came down from her caffeine high long enough to text Sans about that, and to send him forceful messages in all caps warning him not to repeat anything she said while sleep-deprived.  He smirked.  Over the time he’d been taking care of Attie, Undyne’s attitude towards him had changed.  It was strange, having the excitable and ruthless Captain of the Royal Guard as some kind of...of friend, but it wasn’t bad.  He respected her, actually.

And in light of that respect, he reconsidered her words.  She had said that Attie missed him.  Just the thought of that tugged at his soul.  It shouldn’t have, of course; he’d only known her for such a short time.  And she was a little human kid.  Why should he care about a little human kid?

He deliberately did not think about the kid’s mother.

Luckily, he had bigger problems to take his mind off things.  Just as Undyne had predicted, Asgore called him just after Greater Dog and Lesser Dog stopped by the hot dog stand for lunch.  Sans cleared his nonexistent throat, willing himself to keep calm; the King of Monsters was terrifying, even over the phone.  “Uh, hello, your majesty.”

“Hello, Sans.  I am calling to discuss your return to a job you have not held in quite some time.”

Fear locked his bones.  “Uh, w-which job?”

“Hmm.  You have held several positions, have you not?  I feel that a phone conversation is not the best place to discuss this.  Come to my castle in the Underground immediately.”

“Y-yes, your maj-”

The king had already hung up.  Sans texted Undyne with shaking fingers, letting her know that he’d be late to his sentry shift due to a meeting with the king, then sent the same to Boss.  Better safe than sorry.

He grabbed a spare ‘dog and closed down the stand.  A sudden thought prompted him to glance down; he was still in his pyjamas.

Teleporting from an alley to his room saved him a lot of time and potential embarrassment.  He listened closely, but everything seemed quiet; with any luck, Boss was occupied elsewhere.  A sharp ding from his phone made him jump, but it was just Undyne telling him to take the first of his shifts off.

He changed into his button-down shirt and slacks, still clean from the last time he wore them, then stepped into a shortcut.  He couldn’t teleport all the way to the top of Mount Ebott - even if the distance wasn’t too much, there were magical protections in place - so he went in stages.  His first teleport brought him to his favorite lookout spot, just a short jog from the sentry station he handled most often.

The air was crisp and cool and the forest smelled like winter.  From his lookout spot he could see the town laid out below, rows and rows of houses and hospitals and schools and businesses tied together by thin veins of black.  There was a bit of activity in the streets, probably humans and monsters getting ready for Christmas (and maybe Takersfaire, if the monsters were feeling bold), but it was barely noticeable from such a distance.

A slight breeze wiggled its way between his bones as he walked towards his station.  There were two barriers on Mount Ebott: one just below the sentry stations, and one closer to the entrances where the original once stood.  The first - designed to alert sentries when someone approached the mountain - didn’t do anything in particular to block normal entry but he couldn’t teleport through it.  It was annoying to have to stop, walk through the barrier manually, then teleport again, but it was an old routine and he managed.

The second barrier, the one that protected the Underground from most intrusions, was one of his least favorite spots in the whole world.  It was almost entirely Frisk’s work.  Her magic always felt hostile against his bones; no matter how many times he climbed the mountain, he was always a little afraid that her barrier would refuse him entry...or dust him outright.

It was a surprise, then, when he didn’t feel the familiar crackle of angry magic as he approached.  Worry niggled at the back of his mind; had Frisk not refreshed it recently?  It had been a month since she was released from the hospital; surely she’d climbed the mountain at some point...right?  King Asgore still lived Underground most of the time, after all, and she loved him like a father despite everything.

The low hum of powerful human magic filtered slowly into his senses, more noticeable the closer he got.  Within arm’s reach of the barrier, it was so strong that it rattled his bones a little.  It felt nothing at all like he expected.  He carefully held out one hand towards the barrier, and found…

Gentle.  Welcoming.  “Hi, Sans!”

“What the hell?”  This...wasn’t normal.  Actually, what had Undyne said?

“She CARES ‘bout you!  You impressed her!  She realized that you aren’t just the lazy shitstain you pretend you are!”

...Yeah, Frisk had refreshed the barrier, alright.  He felt his entire skull turning colors.  Beads of sweat began to form under his collar and his breathing picked up.

Magic, even Frisk’s weird human magic, dealt a lot with intent.  When he and Frisk had been passive-aggressive enemies - and they had been as long as he could remember, exchanging japes and the occasional harsh word off and on - her intentions toward him had been wary and antagonistic.  Now…

Well.

Sans crossed the barrier and stepped into a shortcut before he could think too hard.

A pool of brilliant light met him on the other side.  Once upon a time this had probably been a majestic hallway, a tribute to the golden sun the monsters hadn’t seen for generations, but with so many more urgent problems and a general lack of reliable builders it had fallen into disrepair.  By the time he had seen it for the first time it had been half-buried and caved in, more of an obstacle to reaching the palace than an entryway.  It had only gotten worse over the years.

Now, it looked like someone was in the process of repairing the old place.  Most of the rubble had been cleared out and the weak parts of the ceiling and walls had been reinforced with scaffolding.  The shattered stained glass windows had been removed; lead scraps were piled in a corner, waiting to be repurposed.  The artificial light sources were harsh without the scraps of color the broken windows had provided.

The world...really was changing.

“Sans?” a deep voice boomed through the hallway, shattering his reverie.  “Come through to the throne room.  You and I have business to discuss.”

#Dragonashes writes #Undertale #Underfell #The Heaven We Didn't Choose #Sans #Frisk #Undyne #Asgore #You can't get rid of Frisk that easily #This isn't ominous at all #How many jobs can one skeleton even have?

[dekumidoriyall]

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

#personal