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dyrewrites · 2 months

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Apropos of nothing, I have words about sexuality, empathy and the power of words. These are yammering brainmeats but I felt the need to share so...

I write about a lot of kinds of people, and not people, and I don't do it for the sake of representation. I'd love to say that I had that kind of foresight and control, but I don't. These weird creatures come to me entirely on their own and tell me what they are, sometimes they change midway through the story and I have to go fix things to make it work.

But all of my main characters are either bi, gay, or ace. I am one of those things, but never felt like I really deserved to call myself bi. On account of I've never dated a woman (I'm a chicken, never asked, and the few times I was asked...I was taken). So my brain tells me I don't have to right to count myself among that group. Yet I don't write hetero characters. Which is weird, right?

And I think it might be because I know how it feels to be in what most media considers the "default" relationship? And writing what you know, while frequent and common advice, is boring.

I don't want to write what I know. I want to explore things I don't, I want to learn about myself and other people by writing, by researching other lives and experiences and going on fun little adventures in my head.

Am I going to write a story about dealing with the persecution associated with these matters, where that is the entire plot? No, that's not my story to tell, not my place to speak.

But I can create realities where it doesn't happen. Where people aren't judged for who they love, where they can kiss whoever the fuck they want, fiercely, passionately, right out in the middle of a crowd and no one bats an eye.

I'm not expecting to change the world with it or anything--I'm not that important--but if my silly little words can make even one person feel more comfortable in their skin...well, mission accomplished. I can die happy.

I think my point, if I have one here, is that representation matters even when it isn't on purpose, even when it's some old lady what is not a gay man writing about gay men in love--it matters. Having more stories out there that make these relationships normal helps, even a little bit, it helps.

Even if it's just making one homophobe reconsider their stance on men kissing each other because gay vampires are kinda hot.

#i meant my mother at the end there #ramblings #i hope this makes sense i might have a fever but i wanted to get the words out so have the words #i have gotten so many messages about pale blood specifically that tell me what i write is important and i love that so much #even if i didn't go into it with that intention #it makes me so happy that someone felt seen and appreciated and validated by something i wrote #that's just the best feeling in the world

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tardis--dreams · 3 months

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I was so concerned with the horrors of making a doctor's appointment and the horrors of finding a job that i completely forgot about the worst horrors of them all. Finding an apartment.

#i just realized that yesterday #after my appointment #and now my rest of my time off is ruined #because i have to find a place to stay and the chances are low that I'll find something okay #the student dorm apartment was the hight of luxury (pretty new. good stove. good bathroom. hot water....)#now I'm most likely going back to broken showers‚ old almost unusable stove‚ hot water every once in a blue moon‚ no room to move #ugly depressing dirty #my dream is unattainable i know #i don't even want more than one room (even though in the long run i would love to have an apartment with a kitchen in a separate room)#but i would love to have an oven #i know it's too much too ask and i should be happy if i have a functional stove #also a bathroom that doesn't look and behave like it's 100 years old and is fully functional would be so nice #and my actual most important concern is having enough space to work out #it doesn't need to be much. i just wanna be able to move freely enough so i don't have to worry about bumping into anything #when doing burpees and whatnot #but I'll take what i can get #if have no choice #i can't commute. the train connections are too bad.#alright #I'll message some people now and get rejection after rejection after rejection 🥲#void screams

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dangaer · 4 months

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the inhernt feeling of being known during roleplay.

#❛ 𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 ⧽ — ooc.#its hit me today how close it actually is to the new year i am now romanicising a lot sorry</3 #i think we dont talk enough about how much you are known when it comes to a roleplay thread or ask like.#writing is all of our forms of art. no matter how big or small or fast or long it takes you. it's still an artwork hat you perform #outstandingly well ... when you write for a rp partner.#you take that time out of your day to think about them and their muse. you write something following the piece of art they have given you #or the starting point in which they have provided.#there is something beautiful in recieving a rp reply #or a tag or a quick message from someone #because you realise how in that moment. you were the first thought that comes to mind #and thats a very special gift to have #i know people might think i go overkill in replying ooc to asks / threads and sometimes come off as a little overwhelming but #honestly it really does mean the world to me. esp as someone whos always worrying they write too slow ... to know people remain interested #is*#an important thing to me #going to get all of my mistletoe asks out by new year.#if you dont have muse to reply - do not panic! ( i totally understand i had a weekend plan to do this which got busted by sickness #)#but it's on my to do list now. my main focus ...

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polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup · 4 months

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My thoughts on Mai is probably so irrelevant right now but i love thinking about the wasted potential in exploring Megumi’s dynamic with the Zenin Clan because he had to have some contact with them over the course of his childhood, meaning that Mai had to interact with the kid at some point (which she did I think it’s canon) and for Mai to instantly know that Megumi is a little child genius/prodigy. Also for Mai to have a little crush on Megumi (I know most find this disgusting seeing that those two are family but I think everyone forgets that the Zenin is built on incest)

Mai putting her hopes into Megumi of him somewhat changing the Zenin when he becomes Clan Head only for those hopes to be crushed bc Megumi fucked off? I find that so depressing because she probably didn’t understand (or fully comprehend) the reasoning behind Megumi cutting off contact. I know it probably hurt her for a while because she genuinely wanted to be close to him seeing as he was the only boy (i’m assuming) that was ever truly kind to her and her sister.

I’m clinging onto that Mai tag for dear life because I’m really interested in seeing her thoughts on Megumi. Admittedly, she probably grew out of the hero worship she had for him. Maybe it was replaced with some bitterness seeing as he wouldn’t be the Clan Head now unless something happens to Gojo, so Megumi won’t be her hope in that clan. She’s stuck with Naoya who probably wants her as a wife.

NAOYA. God my thoughts on his dynamic with Megumi…it could be something so complex. Like Naoya could see Toji in the boy, who he has an obsession with but he also see Gojo, and he also see the little brat who may fear him on some level but is not afraid to stand up to him which pisses him off. He also sees his replacement, a boy who has the potential to rival Gojo, making him the potential heir. I could see him being like the only one out of the Zenin who wants that kid gone, out of sight and out of mind. Like everyone else abuses him to make him become something great. Naoya would do it to take out his anger on the kid who is everything he always wanted to be and he doesn’t even know it.

Naobito. I have no thoughts on the old drunk. I do find it interesting how Kamo said something about how Megumi is either more useful or more suitable than Naobito. I forgot the wording. I can see Naobito truly caring for Megumi though in his own fucked up way because Megumi is everything he wanted in a heir. But that care doesn’t really stop him from hurting Megumi.

Maki. Well. Best aunt/nephew duo. If the Zenin ever had a family dinner or get together, those two are definitely the ones who sits in the corner and talks shit. They definitely try and fuck shit up in the house. You would find them in the kitchen spitting in Naoya’s food. You’re gonna look me in the eyes and tell me I’m wrong? I dare you. All in all, they see a sibling in each other. Especially after losing Tsumiki/Mai. Megumi if definitely her favorite kouhai. Some may argue it’s Nobara. But listen. SEE THE VISION. Megumi has the family pass. Megumi gets Maki in a way that most don’t. But Megumi is still Yuta’s boy though. Maki sometimes fight for custody however.

Excuse my rambling guys. I was just in a silly mood thinking about Gege and his….questionable writing decisions lately.

This has been sitting half answered in my asks for like a month. If you have an ask that never got answered please know that it’s probably in my drafts haunting me.

Oh Gege’s sure. Made some decisions recently. And they’re uh. They sure are decisions. That he made. For some reason.

Maki and Megumi are the bio family dream team to me. I simply love their bond. They have identical resting bitch faces. They’re always on the same bullshit. Both are completely insane in the same way. The bio family they each always wanted but never had. Megumi is Yuuta’s Boy but that doesn’t stop Maki from making her own play for the title.

Mai’s entire thing with having a crush on Megumi becomes a little bit more comfortable if it’s framed like “he was the best option.” The Zenin do practice incest, so her entire dating pool was likely framed to her as blood family from the start. She also is the only female (other than Maki) born to that bloodline around clan leadership that we know of, so she was probably viewed as a “desirable” spouse. Marriage was probably used as a means of navigating social status, so her parents are probably planning to use her as a chip for their own political games now that their own future has sort of stagnated. After all, both their kids are sort of failures by Zenin standards, and they don’t have any other kids incoming that could do better. This is basically canon to me—they did try to make a marriage contract with Naoya, who’s very high in the clans leadership and the only other contender for clan head other than Megumi himself. She’s probably spent her entire life knowing that her parents would try for marry her off to the person in the clan with the highest status, and that’s probably been considered Naoya or one of his brothers for a long time.

There’s Naobito, the actual clan head, who appears to have had all sons. Toji appears to be Naobito’s nephew, meaning his father or mother was directly from that same line, and Megumi’s its continuation. And Naobito’s brother is Maki and Mai’s father, who produced the only girls.

The Zenin clan values power above all else, so we can assume that the line that is leading the clan tends to have a lot of cursed energy and skill. Mai and Maki didn’t get that, but they are still close tie to the line.

Mai was never supposed to be a jujutsu sorcerer. She didn’t have enough cursed energy for it. She only ended up going to the Kyoto school because Maki fucked off and the Zenin wanted to make a point. But we know how the Zenin treats women—since she didn’t have enough potential to be a sorcerer but was a member of a powerful bloodline who had cursed energy herself, she was probably viewed as a prime candidate to continue the family line, as seen with them trying to marry her off to fucking Naoya, who was a pretty high candidate for heir to the clan.

Of course, Megumi inherited the Ten Shadows. He actually did beat out Naoya for the position of heir without having put any effort or involvement into the position. He likely would have instantly shot to the top of the list for clan heir the second they knew he existed. Like, he was still installed as clan head when he actively had nothing to do with the clan. When he was a kid, and everyone was assuming they’d be able to bring him back into the clan and raise him as Zenin? It would probably be considered as close to an absolute as anything gets to them.

I could see Mai kind of romanticizing the idea of Megumi as a result, especially when she was younger Naoya was actively abusive to her and had the personality of a used gym sock dipped in shit and left on highway to rot. Megumi 1) wasn’t raised with them, so felt the least like her family 2) was actually nice to her, the one time she got to spend time with him and 3) was nice to Maki. And as bad as it was for Mai, Maki was the least accepted member of the clan at the time. She was a girl and she had little to no cursed energy. Mai canonically idolised her sister as a young girl and probably hated to see how everyone mistreated her.

Megumi intervening on her behalf when Naoya targeted her would have been monumental to her. It would have been the ultimate way of saying “everything will be okay” when she just didn’t have that sense of the future growing up.

For one thing, Megumi was guaranteed to have a position of extreme authority within the clan itself as he got older. But when he intervened on her behalf, he didn’t.

He didn’t save Mai with his own authority within the clan. He didn’t extend his protection over her, because he didn’t have any protection. When they finally all got caught, the first thing Naoya did was strike him across the face hard enough to knock him over.

They all got beaten horribly for that stunt. And they all expected it from the start, because that’s what their family did.

Megumi stuck his neck out for her. He took a beating because he didn’t like Naoya bullying her around. He intervened for Mai when it was to his own direct detriment, and she never forgot it. Her own parents weren’t doing that.

Which meant that she sort of hoped that when Megumi got older and became an authority in the clan, people would stop hurting her entirely.

Megumi didn’t have the authority as a little kid to just order Naoya to fuck off, but he was pretty much guaranteed to have it one day. There had always been people in the clan where, if you had their favor, no one could touch you. Mai had just never had anyone’s favor before. But Megumi was the Ten Shadows, and he was practically cosmically ordained as the most important person in their clan in five hundred years, and he was kind to her, and he said they could be friends. He said they’d stay friends.

It cost Megumi a lot to protect her as kids. It gave her a lot of very real hope that he’d keep doing it when it cost him nothing, and that there would come a day where it would just stop hurting so much.

And it wasn’t just her. It was also a future where Maki could maybe be happy.

One of the central facets of Mai’s character is that she desperately wishes for a world where Maki would have stayed in the clan with her. She wanted Maki to keep her promise. She wanted Maki to just be content doing a few chores and keeping her head down.

At this time, Maki hadn’t broken her promise yet, but I think that Mai still wanted that as their future. Her and Maki together, with Maki never leaving her, and both of them safe in the compound from the curses that terrified Mai.

Even if Megumi was nice to her, there should have been the lingering doubt as to whether he would also make the clan safe for Maki, but that fear got shattered when she joined them in Mai’s hideout.

He didn’t treat her like garbage. He said that they could be friends too. Maki bossed him around while they played, and the most he did was grumble at her. He treated Maki better than their own parents were treating them, and he did it without a thought.

So yeah. Mai had a lot of hopes pinned on Megumi when she was a very young girl. And I think if she had any feelings for him, it was more trying to force herself to have those feelings, because the world he offered was by far the one she wanted the most. Whether she was in love with him was almost the least important consideration.

If Mai was going to be married off to the heir to the clan, better Fushiguro “respect women” Megumi than Zenin “if she breathes she’s a thot” Naoya. He made her see a future she and Maki could be happy in for once, and then it all got ripped away.

I definitely see Mai as having a lot of bitterness towards Megumi leaving the clan, but I don’t think it was initially against him. I think she was initially bitter as hell against gojo. She was a little kid buying into the propaganda, which is that it wasn’t their Ten Shadows rejecting them, no, it was gojo stealing him away. That’s definitely changed and developed over the years, but I won’t say how.

#sea glass gardens #see the thing is that I don’t think romantic love was every proffered to her as important growing up #the Zenin clan married to have kids and further political games #love wouldn’t have factored into it or every been posed to her as a major consideration #megumi was the only person she’s ever wanted to marry and to her that might as well be love #it had less to do with anything as to who he is as a person and more because she had two options and one was a misogynistic wife beater who #had ten years on her and whose personality was ass #the other was about her age and respected women and intervened to make sure she wasn’t hurt #there was. no competition. yes please let’s go the path that means her and her sister won’t be beat their entire lives #also I have a backlog of about 90ish asks right now so please know if you sent me a message I’m not ignoring you I just am working through #them still. I saw the message and loved it. it was great and made my day.#I tend to write long answers to asks too which means there’s a lot that just end up half finished or take a long time to get out

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selvepnea · 5 months

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Been thinking about my body a lot

#Sel talks #Listened through Fat Talk by Virginia Sole-Smith which talked a lot about how bodies are tools #And the way she talked about how thin-ness shouldn't be something we strive for #And I can't help but draw parallels between my own desire to go on t? I don't know. Been having too many thoughts stewing #I keep coming back to isabeau's line of “maybe it was easier to change into someone I could love than to learn how to love how I was”#And I had drawn both hrt and diet culture back into this; but. Neither of them are from self love?#It's. Idk; a friction? On how you perceive yourself and how the world perceives you?#Or. Idk idk. It's hard to articulate now that I'm trying to get it down #If I remember right; one of the messages of fat talk was how bodies should be for function first and foremost; and should hardly-if ever-#Considered for aesthetic. And yes- trying to loose weight is one of the most damaging aesthetic changes you can do-#Idk! I feel like I'm looking too far into it #Something something you're not happy with how your body looks/is perceived so you want to change it #Whether that's influenced by society; loved ones; or something biological; it's still a desire to change your body #Although one is vastly more accepted than the other #Trying to become thin is trying to make yourself more comfortable in a vastly fatphobic world; to placate the people think they have say #Over your body; make yourself more palettable to the world around you.#Which I guess is an important distinction #Becoming the person you want to be even through everyone telling you that it's wrong or disgusting #But a part of me can't help but think a part of the reason I want to do hrt might have something to do with our male centric society?#I'm too tired to elaborate any further but I feel less busy now that I have it out

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miodiodavinci · 7 months

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oughgh

#can i be real for a second #i am completely overwhelmed and very much drowning #and it is only Week 5 of the semester #and Week 1 of my internship program #i have a very important stressful group project due in mid october that i am Struggling to so much as get in contact with people for #like. these people won't even confirm whether or not we're in the group and Will Not Respond whenever i ask them to confirm our topic #but the second i'm like 'okay i'll just group with the one person who's communicating with me' they respond like 'omg i missed ur message!!#'sorry lmao yeah we can work together!!!!' (proceeds to complete the sign up survey for two people only)#on top of that i Also have part one of the very important licensing exam due the same day #which i am losing my mind trying to figure out #and a few days later i have Another group project due with the exact same people #who still!!! will not respond!!!!!#and this isn't even getting into the fact that i have a Very Big Project that important people are depending on me on #that i haven't been able to make an inch of real progress on since this semester started #i am drowning and i want to scream

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altschmerzes · 1 year

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With your parents being annoying… I can hear the feeling of intrusion and I don’t know your relationship… but as a mother let me tell you: you carry a peace of your heart outside your body… a call every two weeks would kill me … just to get a perspective for the other side. The problem is usually when they don’t care :). It is hard to find the mix between distance and closeness especially when trying to find your own way in the world. Overprotectiveness can be crushing… but trust me, it was much much easier to be mad at my parents before I had a kid of my own 😄😄🙈 again, not telling you what to feel and I am sure you guys will figure out some way

you’re right, you don’t know our relationship which makes this an unbelievably disrespectful and honestly downright cruel message to send.

she is the one who does not call me for upwards of a month at a time. i honestly can’t remember the last time she called me first. it’s all me. she barely remembers she has another kid and when she does she switches to being possessive and invasive to ‘make up for it’ or whatever. she doesn’t fucking care most of the time. and that’s not worse, this is not better, it all fucking sucks. the only thing im trying to balance is my parents’ continued degree of financial control over my life vs how badly it harms me to continue to have contact with them.

also, if she wanted more frequent contact she could’ve tried idk not abusing me. that might’ve helped. the cptsd makes it a little fucking hard to prioritize having a chat with her, what with her literally almost killing me several times and all. i may be a piece of her heart outside her body or what the fuck ever but she sure as hell didn’t let that stop her from destroying me as a person and blaming me for it. maybe if the idea of not hearing from your kid however often you want bothers you start with ‘don’t be abusive’ and go from there. im making plans for my first kid at the moment and i cannot fathom a world where having that child is going to make me anything but more angry at them for the shit they did to me.

not that you’re entitled to any of that information. just thought you might be jolted out of whatever rosy parents can do no wrong world you live in where there can’t possibly be a fucking reason aside from ‘oh surely this stranger doesn’t get why someone’s mom might want to hear from them’ that someone might not be fucking thrilled to call their mother. i cannot begin to describe how invasive and upsetting a message this was to get when i have already been having a difficult weekend regarding being triggered about this shit.

‘i can hear the feeling of intrusion and i dont know your relationship’ so you know this was wrong to say, then? listen to that feeling next time. it’s your fucking conscience and it might keep you from lecturing the next fucking abuse victim about how they’re probably hurting their abusers’ poor feelings and they just don’t get a mother’s love and how it feels or whatever. fuck off and go to hell.

#gav gab #gav answers #abuse cw #of all the inappropriate messages to send im genuinely fucking livid #‘being annoying’ that’s not the fucking impact of her freak out #i felt fucking TERRIFIED and TRAPPED because the basis for this woman deciding she cares about being my mom again #is needing to tell campus police to disregard any calls they get from my family #and also the time i sat in family therapy listening to the woman who almost killed me go on very intense rants #about how she needs to step up and be stricter be more controlling be harsher with me #imagine seeing someone triggered by an abuser getting possessive and controlling and going oh i got this!#time for ME and my SUPERIOR PERSPECTIVE to lecture this chump about how important it is to consider their abuser’s feelings!#surely that’s what this calls for!#‘but gav there’s nothing directly identifying your mother as abusive in that post’ which is EXACTLY how you know you don’t have #the fucking AUTHORITY OR STANDING to say absolutely fuck all to someone about their parents based on a single post #it is not secret knowledge. i reblogged a post about abuse yesterday and pretty directly identified my parents as abusive in the tags #anyone who knows me anywhere CLOSE to enough to be entitled to an opinion on how i deal with my fucking family knows this about me #this is why you stay the fuck out of what’s not your fucking business

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