#myself if i should take one or enough to end all this bs

[beautifulpersonpeach]

I'm very late to the party it seems, because only after getting more weird asks than usual, and a few explicitly naming the bloggers involved did I learn today of the ugliness that went down a short while ago. Storm has already said her bit and I respect her choice to quietly step back so this isn't me resurrecting a dead horse to bludgeon. I'm writing this because I've been on the receiving end of this sort of campaign before, have seen it play out too many times with the same types of people, and because I want it on record somewhere that I don't know anybody here personally (a conscious choice) but that all my dealings with Storm showed her to be a forthright and thorough person. And even if she wasn't, that wouldn't excuse any of this bullshit.

Normally if this were a private matter I'd keep my opinion to myself after all I don't know any of you. But the moment anybody brings this shit into the public then anybody gets to have a go at it. We've all seen these sorts of takedown posts before, and I'm not always opposed to them because sometimes they're for good reason. If someone is actually racist, or idk a serial killer, it's good for the public to know that shit. Differing opinions on jikook being real, someone cussing you out, or blocking liberally do not meet that threshold for me, but everyone's different.

When I see these takedowns happen, including when it happened to me, I've observed it usually involves HCP personalities in this blogging space that take certain actions extremely personally and nurse grievances until it festers into fuel for drama that they gratify in because in their heads they believe they’ve been scorned and therefore are right. They usually think in a very tribal sense, rope other people in and force people into camps of friend, neutrals, and foe, and wear their egos on their sleeves.

In my case, I'd only been blogging here actively for less than 5 months before a pair of bloggers and their followers accused me of feuding with them, using them for clout, and that my opinions on my blog somehow prevented them from running their own blog and speaking freely. They'd been nursing that grievance for months with the followers who felt as they did, while I was oblivious, blogging with abandon so to speak, even interacting with them, until the call-out post. And my followers had been receiving messages about how much of a horrible bitch I am (I mean, I can be a bitch but hadn't been to anyone here at that point).

Thankfully I hadn't been blogging for long so most people could go through my blog to read what I actually think, see how I actually engage, and decide for themselves if anything those bloggers said made any sense. Storm has a longer blogging history and the campaign against her more widespread since she was very active in jikook spaces, plus she legit needs a break so I get why she's decided to take one now. I still get weird asks from people who claim to be devoted to those bloggers and that shit, that behaviour, that mentality is ugly. The point here is too many people take shit personally and then try to make it everyone's problem. Some HCP people can't help it if they have those sorts of personalities, but that doesn't excuse it. Seeing shit like this just kills the vibe for anyone who doesn't get high off that nonsense, and it further frays whatever community people are trying to build here. I usually keep my distance but I admire the people who have tried, even if only in public, to connect with people here and build community. Not everyone has to like everyone else, but there's enough abuse and BS to jokers from outside the community and fandom, for anyone to think their momentary satisfaction is worth poisoning this space, or character assassinating someone else.

Apparently anyone who has voiced support for Storm, has themselves become a target, and that in itself should tell you how weird this all is lmao.

For the people flooding my inbox who think we're in kindergarten and I should declare where my loyalties lie, get a fucking grip. If you have a problem with my arguments or views, I'm always happy to engage on that basis. But if you think me liking Storm and interacting with her posts is reason enough for you to act a fool in my inbox, you must be high out of your goddamn mind. Take my advice and block me because nobody here has time for all that. Vous pouvez vous attendre à être complètement ignoré par moi à partir de ce moment. J'ai entendu dire que le sexe anal peut soulager la pression sur la tête, vous pouvez l'essayer et me dire si cela fonctionne. Ça, je le posterai sur le blog. Tout le reste sera supprimé.

Borahae. 💜

#small psa

[xspeter]

𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒

𝟎𝟎𝟒: “The beginning of the end.”

m.list ⇦ previous chapter next chapter ⇨

Y/N: The first solo album I released didn't do amazing, but it didn't do horrible either.

It didn't even bother me either. I didn't go on tour- the album didn't do good enough for that- and Shyla had gotten signed to a new record deal and she was going on tour in Europe, so I spent my time getting sunburns and getting high.

I also stopped writing songs. I didn't see a point to it if I already had an album out.

Brenner was checking on me all hours of the day, he wanted me to get new music out. He was doting on me like I was some sort of prize horse.

Then one day, Jim Hopper knocks on my door. I guess he was put in charge of me. He was supposed to convince to get back into the studio and make a new record.

When I open the door he doesn't even say hello. He just says, "Lets cut the bullshit, Y/N. You've gotta get your ass back in that studio, or Brenner's taking you to court for violating your contract."

I said, "I don't give a shit. They can take their money and leave me the fuck alone."

Hopper wasn't listening to any of my BS though. He says, "Just make the album, Y/N. Before you get yourself in some real trouble."

I didn't care about any of that though. I didn't care if I was living in a car board box- as long as I had my drugs, I was fine. I just rolled my eyes at Hopper, and that's when he started getting fed up with my shit.

He says to me, "How do you see your life in ten years?" And, honestly, I don't think I saw myself being alive in ten years, so, I just shrugged my shoulders.

Hopper scoffed, he goes, "Well, if you get your ass in that studio, I see you being one of the most successful l women in the country."

The next day, I was writing music.

It only took me a few weeks to have my songs ready, so I call up Hopper and I said, "I'm ready."

Shyla: Y/N's second album wasn't anything special, it was kind of middle of the road, but you could definitely tell she was going somewhere.

Steve: We started recording our second album in 1985. And- I honestly think we were pretty proud of it. At least I was.

Jon: When I first heard the album, I didn't think it was as gritty as it needed to be. It was more pop than it was Rock n' Roll. Every song Steve wrote was about his family.

[Snorts] I mean, Murray said it best, "Rock n' Roll is about getting it on with a girl for the first time, not making sweet love to your wife.

Eddie: I thought we had a lot of songs that could be hit singles. But, Hopper disagreed. Everything was either too slow or not slow enough. Too hard rock or not rock enough.

Hopper finally told us that he thought we needed a female vocalist on one of the songs. Said we were needed to aim for number one, and a good way to do that was a duet.

Hopper said we should make "Look At Us Now" a duet, but, I just didn't understand why. He wanted to add a female vocalist to the softest song on the album, and that was supposed to fix the problem?

I said, "I will not be in a soft rock band."

Steve: "Look At Us Now" was about the life I wanted to give to Nancy. It was romantic. It was soft. It didn't need a female vocalist. But, Hopper didn't care. He just told me to write what Nancy would say back to me.

Robin: Hopper named around ten girls until Steve finally had enough. He goes, "Who is Y/N L/N?" Hopper smiles and goes, "I was hoping you'd ask that."

Eddie: I'd heard Y/N sing at this bar on the strip a few months back, and I thought she was sexy as hell. She has these huge eyes and these chunky hoop earrings. I mean, she just looked like a rock star.

Steve: Once we brought up Y/N, Hopper didn't really give us a choice if we wanted her to sing the song or not. If Hopper thought that she was the right person for it, then she was.

Y/N: I had heard of Silver Springs. I mean, obviously we were on the same label, but i'd heard one of their singles on the radio too.

I really loved Steves voice too. It was just... I don't even know how to explain it. It sounded like the voice of a man who'd seen things.

I could see the potential of our voices, could see how we'd match. So, I listened to their demo of 'Look At Us Now" and I just felt like something was missing. Like the song just wasn't really finished.

Steve: We were all at the studio the day Y/N walked in. I just remember getting this awful feeling in my stomach when I saw her. For one, she was barefoot and she was wearing this huge shirt that made it look like she didn't have any pants on.

Robin: When she walked in I remember thinking, Where are her pants?

Dustin: I remember thinking that Y/N was the prettiest girl I had ever seen.

Jon: I got worried for a second that I was staring at her, but then I thought, This girl has probably been stared at her whole life.

Steve: I saw her and I introduced myself, I said, "Nice to meet you. Thanks for helping us out." I asked if she wanted to sit down and go over the song, but she just said, "No, thanks."

Murray: She went right into the booth and started warming up.

Robin: I said, "We don't all need to be here watching her." But the shitheads ignored me.

Y/N: I finally just ended up asking for some space.

Steve: Everyone started funneling out after that, except, Me, Hopper, and Jerry.

Jerry Blue: I miked her up and we did a couple of test runs, but for some reason, the mic wasn't working. So Hopper said Steve and her would just share a mic.

Y/N: I read the lyrics to that song probably a hundred times. I knew how I wanted it to go.

Steve sang it in an almost desperate way, and I figured it was because he didn’t really believe what he was saying. And I thought that just made it so much more complex and interesting. So I planned to sing it like I wanted to believe him but I couldn’t.

When we were ready to get everything rolling, me and Steve step up to the mic we glanced at each other and then he started singing the opening.

The lyrics were originally, “Oh, I know we can get it all back, Oh, I know we can get it all back.” But that made the song feel you know, boring, to me. So, I changed it.

Steve: She changed the lyrics of my own song, and no one told me about it. She sand, “Oh, We can make a good thing bad.” But, to me that defeated the purpose of the song. The whole point was that I was telling Nancy that we would be able to get back to where we were. And Y/N ruined it.

Y/N: We’re in the middle of singing and he stops me. He goes, “Those aren’t the lyrics. Do you- do you know the lyrics? Do you need me to write them down?”

I knew the lyrics, he was the one who didn’t.

Robin: Steve wrote the song as a way to convince himself that his future with Nancy was a real thing. But we all knew he could relapse at any minute.

The first month he was out of rehab he was obsessed with woodworking. We’d come over to visit Nancy and the baby and he’d be working on some random dining table.

Oh, and then there was the running. He’s run at least five miles a day.

I mean, it was all getting a little ridiculous.

Murray: Steve was this guy who made everything look natural. But he was trying so very hard to stay sober, and you could see the strain it took on him.

Robin: “Look At Us Now” used to be a song about security. But Y/N made it a song about insecurity.

Steve: That night I told Nancy what Y/N did. And you know, Nancy’s got her hands full with Amber and i’m ranting about something that really didn’t matter.

She just said, “It’s a song, Steve.” And that’s made me realize that to me, it wasn’t just a song. My version was the future I wanted, and Y/N’s version was the future I was getting dangerously close to having.

Eddie: I think Y/N was just very unexpected for Steve.

Jerry: When we put their voices together, it was so compelling. It was like they were made for each other.

Jon: They took a rock song and they made it a pop song. I was a little pissed about it.

Murray: Hopper was over the moon when he listens to it, so was pretty much everyone else, but when Steve heard it, you could see the way his jaw clenched.

Steve: I liked the new song. But I felt like Y/N’s vocals just ruined the whole thing, so I asked Hopper to just take her out, but he said I needed to trust him. Said we had just written a hit song.

Eddie: Steve was always in charge you know? He wrote the lyrics, composed the instruments, arranged the songs. If Steve goes to rehab we have to cancel the tour, If steve wants to go back to the studio then so do we. He ran the show.

So what Y/N did to “Look At Us Now” was not easy for him.

Steve: We were a team.

Y/N: I wasn’t sure why Steve hated me so much. I made the song better, so why was he so upset?

I ran into Steve at the studio a couple days later when I went in to hear the final cut. I said hello, have him a smile, and all he did was nod.

Robin: It was a man’s world. You had to get a man’s approval to do pretty much anything and there was only really two ways to go about it.

You either acted like one of the boys, or you acted real girly and fluttered your lashes and all that shit.

But, Y/N didn’t do any of that. She was kinda just, “Take me or leave me.”

Y/N: All I wanted to do was make something original or cool and Steve didn’t like that.

Robin: You know how sometimes you’ll meet someone who just seems to breeze through life? Well, that was Y/N times ten. Maybe I should have hated her for that, but I didn’t. I loved her for it. With her around I felt like I didn’t have to take the shit i’d been taking from men for years.

Y/N: Robin was the kind of person who had more talent in the top of her pinky than most people have in their whole body.

Steve: When the record was about to be pressed, I told Hopper, “You made me hate my own song.” And you know what he said back to me? He said, “You’ll get over it.”

listened to fleetwood mac the whole time I wrote this

@brxkenartt @freezaz123

#steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x nancy wheeler #jonathon byers #djats au #daisy jones and the six #angst #stranger things #dustin henderson #robin buckley

[raysletters]

2023 Character Wrapped

Rules: share your top 9 characters of 2023

tagged by the lovely @suseagull04 (like, so long ago, but i had forgotten to do it so here i am)

1. Alex Claremont-Díaz (RWRB)

i wish i could explain to you the deep connection i have to this fictional man. he is me and i am him. he probably has been my favorite character since i first found him on 2021 (which is the longest hyperfixation ive ever had, funnily enough) and has actually shaped me to be more confident in myself and all that mushy stuff, so yeah, im just missing a henry kinnie that wants to put up with this mess.

2. Percy Jackson (Riordanverse)

i binge read pjo and hoo these last months, and the way ive become attached to this kid is something else. i want to protect him from anything.

3. Nico di Angelo (Riordanverse)

like with percy, i became attached to him from the moment he showed up, and i would protect him with my life even from rick riordan. he cant do no wrong ever.

4. Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor (RWRB)

henry has specially gained a piece in my heart lately, but i have to be honest, when i first read about him, i thought nothing of him more than the perfect companion and love interest in alex's story. i have to say that getting a glance to his mind through both the bonus chapter and really fucking good fics gave me the insight i needed to comprehend him: his actions, his motivations, and everything in between that made him who he is and made me realize how many things we have in common and how many things i could learn from him, which is always a beautiful experience

5. June Claremont-Díaz (RWRB)

theres nothing i wouldnt do for her. even though i absolutely HATE how i wrote the fic that has june's pov, im still in the process of learning about her and comprehending her more. still, she reminds me so much of my own sister, even though i should kin her more than alex because of the whole sapphic latina journalist who loves her sibling very much, even when they annoy the shit out of you, but alas, im a younger sister and june has so much vibes of my own sister except with my tastes, so yeah, nothing i wouldnt do for her

6. Iris West-Allen (The Flash TV)

in case you didnt know this about me, i had a not-so-recent hyperfixation on the flash (and it can absolutely be seen in my sky high au), and she was half the reason of it. i wish i could put into words how much i fucking love her in every sense of the word. like, i'm in love with her but i also want her to be happy and protected at all costs and i would do anything for her to actually get those things. she can also step on me and i would thank her, but that is unrelated

7. Annabeth Chase (Riordanverse)

what you dont get is that for her i would become like a rabid feral gremlin or maybe that dog that takes a sword in its mouth and starts swinging carelessly. thats how ready i am to protect her from absolutely everything, even spiders, no matter how fucking scared i am of them

8. Imogen Heaney (Heartstopper TV)

yes, i am absolutely biased because the actress also has t1d and my hc is that now imogen also has t1d, but also because i, too, affirmed with my whole chest how i was an ally and totally straight and then slowly realized i was sapphic bc of one cute girl in my friend group that called me out on my bs 💀

9. Barry Allen (The Flash TV)

yes, we dont acknowledge that other version by that other actor. yes, he's last because i had a love-hate relationship with the way he was written. but season 8!barry became one of my favorite versions of him, and i absolutely thank grant (the actor) for the way he made me love the character once again

i missed so many characters that i love but just not like i love these ones. the only one who could easily take barry's place on the list would be nick nelson my absolute beloved, but since flash tv ended this year, it had me in my feelings and i couldn't not put him there, so yeah

DISCLAIMER: i am at the moment reading trials of apollo (im just like 1/4 of the first book) and if somebody spoils me anything i WILL become a rabid feral gremlin, this is your only warning, thank you very much.

anyway, you can consider this an open tag and do this and tag me in it bc i always love to read about yalls favorite stuff. still, no pressure, but im still tagging beautiful ppl so i can read about your favorite characters @anincompletelist @inexplicablymine @read-and-write- @sherryvalli @14carrotghoul @formorewishes

#tag game #2023 character wrapped

[vulpinmusings]

How Endwalker's MSQ Should Have Ended

(For clarity, I did enjoy the final duel against Zenos as a gameplay experience and catharsis for having to put up with his BS through the whole expansion, but giving him his fight AFTER finishing the Endsinger felt a little undeserved narratively (at least as far as my WoL is concerned))

"So, here we are, two great warriors at the edge of the universe, with nothing remaining to distract us from the greatest fight of our lives. What say you, my friend?"

The Warrior of Light's lip twisted in utter disgust. "Stop calling me that," they spat. "I am not your friend. You have done nothing to earn the right to call me that. And I refuse to fight you."

"Oh come now," Zenos said, grinning, "is that any way to repay me for helping you keep pace with that prey we just slew?"

"I will admit I couldn't have defeated the Endsinger without you," The Warrior replied, "but I do not owe you anything because of it. If anything, your help has balanced the scales between us." Zenos opened his mouth to retort, but the Warrior pressed on, giving full vent to the seemingly endless frustration they had been holding onto ever since Fandaniel's damnable towers had started appearing. "We were even after the conflict over Othard and Ala Mihgo. I was helping to stoke rebellion against the Garlean Empire, and you were defending territories you had authority over. You kicked my ass a couple times, and then I rallied and kicked yours back after you fused with that abomination among primals. You died, and that should have been the end of it, but NO, you not only spat in Nald'thal's faces and came back to life but then proceeded to take every opportunity you could find to interrupt my efforts to save the entire bloody star and its reflections from annihilation just so you could get a petty little rematch."

Zenos brushed off the entire rant with a dismissive wave. "Yes, yes, he said, "I was a little hesitant to acknowledge that you were already pursuing a new grand fight, but-"

"Enough," the Warrior shouted, throwing their weapon on the ground, or what passed for ground at least. "You just don't get it, do you? I take no joy in fighting primals and gods for the thrill in the moment. The only joy I get from those fights, the only reason I keep fighting, is knowing that doing so protects Eorzea, nay, the entire star! I am one of a very small handful of people who can face down rogue primals without being tempered, and recently the things I've been obliged to stand up to are so powerful that the only allies I can call upon without fearing for their lives are other versions of myself. Fighting you again, here and now, is utterly pointless. You are so far from being a threat to the people and places I care about that I would only raise my blade against you out of self-defense." They knelt down, retrieved their weapon, and then rose and pulled out their emergency teleportation device. "Here's something you probably don't know about this location," they said. "It only came into existence because of the dynamis of all the Meteia gathered here. Now that they're dead, it's only our two wills keeping it together. I wonder, then, if your determination alone can sustain it, and for how long? Goodbye, Zenos, and please stay dead this time." With a final smirk at the horrified expression on Zenos' face, the Warrior triggered the device and returned to the Ragnarok and their friends.

It was time to head home.

#final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #endwalker spoilers #zenos viator galvus #zenos yae galvus #wol #writing

[tierra-paldeana]

// i always try to stay optimistic, but. i've been having these stupid stomach problems for like 2 weeks now, and it seems no matter what i do i'm always bound to eventually throw up in the morning. my doctor said it's probably anxiety issues like something v similar that happened to me 2 years ago, and that i should see a psychologist about it, but i can't do that until i find one which might take some time. on top of it all, i remember being much worse back then but as soon as i acknowledged that it was anxiety problems, i... started to feel better? whereas rn i'm just. it doesn't seem to end.

and the worst part is, i don't want to be a fucking hypochondriac but i can't help but wonder if what i have is more like the beginning of GERD or some shit, cause i never throw up food, it's always some sort of acid reflux or something. because i deadass don't understand. it's my stomach stressing my brain out rather than the other way around, I THINK. idk anymore man, i'm taking my pills, i'm trying to eat enough but not too much, i try to remind myself of the things i enjoy and make me happy, but this constant morning bs is chewing away at my sanity and idk how much longer my brain will be able to withstand it. cause if i was 100% certain of what this was and how to combat it, i wouldn't be feeling so miserable every single day lol,,,

#( ooc ); #emetophobia cw #( delete later ); #neg cw

[seakicker]

Miss Seakicker HI! 🦦 anon here, I just wanted to pop in and ask a question but before that;

How have you been? I’m loving the new theme and layout for your blog! I hope you’re drinking enough water and taking enough breaks. We can’t have Fertility archon Juju getting sick!

I started playing Tears of The Kingdom and there’s a place called Joju-u-u Shrine in the game (we almost had Juju Shrine!) I went bra shopping earlier (nothing spicy, just needed some new ones).

I’m not really sure how else to ask this but do you have any advice for when the insecurities about one’s body image start to get…loud? Like some days I’ll feel good in a pair of pants because i fill them out really well but then there’ll be bad days like the time i spent 2 hours on an online site buying a kazuha cosplay because I didn’t want to admit i was a size bigger. (I bought the bigger size in the end and that one fits like a glove)

Feel free to answer this whenever you like! - 🦦 anon

HELLOOOOOOO SWEETHEART GAH i’m very late in answering this because i’m just tryin to find the motivation to use tumblr consistently again, but i was thinking about this ask again today bc i’ve had it in drafts since you sent it to me. i’ve been working a ton but i’m alright; drinking water and working on eating healthier for myself 😊❤️ what kinds of things do you think we’d do at a juju shrine… 🤔👀

as far as the insecurity part goes, honestly i’ve found that staying off the internet entirely on days where you’re maybe feeling a little worse about yourself is extremely beneficial. with how prevalent bodychecking and diet culture BS are on tiktok and instagram in particular and with how advanced filters and photoshop have gotten (remember when people considered it impossible to use filters/edits on videos? good times), taking a bit of a detox and staving off of doomscrolling rlly go a long way on days where i may not be feeling the best about myself. like, i’ve seen people recommend eating an entire block of cream cheese under the guise of health because keto influencers love spinning nonsense and trying to make you genuinely believe that an entire brick of cream cheese is inherently better for you than a single piece of bread for toast, lol.

at any rate, i think it’s good to remind yourself that you are real and your body is real and not everything you see online is real— most people are able to (rightfully) internalize that they shouldn’t compare their bodies to digital art or anime characters, and i think that mentally should extend to just about any 3D picture you see online— while i’m not inherently anti-photoshop or anything like that, i DO think it’s harmful for these people who participate in photoshopping their pics or using filters to pass it off as (A) all natural genetics and/or (B) simple diet and exercise because no amount of genetics, diet, or exercise are gonna give you a 13 inch waist and 42 inch hips. even pictures of real life people can be twisted to the point where they might as well be fictitious, but your body is real when you look at it and real in anything and everything you wear, so why worry about how it stacks up compared to a picture that’s certainly edited?

i first read this on pinterest in like high school but it’s honestly sound advice and something that’s really stuck with me— we don’t get mad at our feet for being too small/too big/too wide/too narrow when shoes don’t fit, we just buy a different size— shouldn’t the same idea extend to all our clothes? our bodies aren’t made to fit clothes, clothes are made to fit our bodies— and buying a bigger cosplay to fit you better isn’t a fault of yours nor your body’s. you got this ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

#i love u i’m always happy to hear from you #chats #cw body image #🦦 anon

[mousathe14]

I have a lot of issues with the whole AI “art” thing, especially as a life long artist about to graduate with their Comp Sci BS and with plans on getting into a PhD for Machine Learning.

I’m no tech bro, I’m a creator and troubleshooter, and my issue, in addition to the art theft, is the gross misapplication of these tools.

Those tech bros go on about improving workflow and democratizing art as though this skill we’ve spent all these years of our lives developing is being gatekept by some mysterious art elite. Rather than, you know, something they could all do if they bothered to pick up a pen and paper and had a genuinely creative bone in their bodies.

Since the very beginning these people have always been going about this the wrong way. Stealing art or the written word or whatever to train their models and then trying to resell the results as more content to consume. It’s idiotic. Putting the cart before the horse one might say.

What needed to be done was to make the technology accessible to individuals to improve what we could do for ourselves. These things shouldn’t be ready made generators built on the labor of others, everyone should be able to have their own end-user-friendly version of the technology behind the generators.

I don’t want a machine that can make something by taking the work of others. I don’t want nor need an algorithm trained on every piece it can find on Art Station!

I want to have my own algorithm that I can train on my own art so that it can be a tool to enhance the things I’m already doing in my own art style.

I want a machine that has taken everything I’ve done and then help me with the next things that I do.

If it’s trained enough on my art style it can finish things I don’t want to finish in my own style like backgrounds, or be a means of character creation that I can alter and finish myself.

And instead this technology is being used all wrong by a bunch of profit driven technology worshipping true thrives obsessed with trying to automate the human element out of creative labor so they can better fellate their shareholding corporate overlords.

It’s all so very disgusting. But if I were to put on a silicon valley dirtbag hat on for a moment, my version of how this technology should be used can be easily turned into a profitable venture while still giving something that’s an actual tool in the hands of creators without theft.

It’s software and processing as a service, obviously. This machine learning lark is process intensive and if you just maintain a cloud service that artists can have a piece of to train with their own art in a boxed off environment then congrats, everybody kinda sorta wins. But you know what, those capitalistic pigs don’t deserve that kind of win-win.

Best find a way to make an end-user-friendly open source machine learning art program and spread it around and hope for the best. This kind of thing can’t only be in the hands of people that learned linear algebra and C.

#venting #ruminations #AI #artificial intelligence #machine learning #computer science #art #creation #creativity #about me #art theft

[blueiight]

I appreciate that you answer book questions without being weird or condescending about it or act like you know everything re: what the show is going to do. Some parts of tvc fandom just act so patronizing towards show viewers as if they can't google or read wikipedia cause like why is there a PSA campaign going on rn warning viewers that Armand is evil (literally who doesn't know this already??). IDK what it is about L/A that makes them so weird but like are show viewers not allowed to just discover the story as it unfolds.

i cant speak for anybody but myself , least of all for blogs i dont know but im sorry u have had a hard time and i do appreciate that ive offered something to u? i always feel as though im rambling or not answering questions correctly bc ppl r always asking for clarification or tryna correct something i didnt say .. so i do appreciate hearing that something is being conveyed. theres been a habit of ppl pretending to be armand x louis fans trolling blogs on anon for a good min now. idk why now some ppl r extrapolating these anonymous trolls to be representative of the show fanbase? ive even had some of them come my way i just ignore them cuz i assume theyre trolls but if yall srs why u cockwatching 2d charas& hollering at me like im supposed to care😂 its funny tho i was thinking how both lestat and armand are introduced as antagonistic mysterious forces of terror louis [w lestat& armand] and lestat [w armand] find attractive & we get all of their perspectives/backstories and how they make sense over what theyve become.. theyre all batshit in their own ways💜 so crying tears of blood over 'whos more evil' w armand or lestat or btwn any vampire rly is stupid. while the show has reinvigorated my interest in tvc bc i wanna know what the showrunners will adapt i am not committed into my lines of speculation on what theyll do im more than willing to be proven wrong.. but i think ppl should understand some people do not have an interest in tvc or the immortal universe bc of the show, and that most of these ppl who are show-only r not represented by these handful of trolls. most ppl who watched the show know these characters have a capacity for evil, and have enough common sense that even w/o knowledge of the books they do suspect armand's manipulative ways.. i dont know how much / twe of this urge to humble armand x louis likers w #hardfacts [LOL] comes from the fact that both men in the show adaptation r men of color as much as it is them taking these trollish anons as actual representatives of common opinion lol s1 twist at the end is framed much like armand shedding the skin of rashid, like the horror is escalating anyways.. like one of my twitter mutuals said amc louis is the vampire wendi deng. i havent seen much of the bs on my tl directly, i like to think my tl is way smarter than me so they know how to conduct themselves somewhat

#yn. #yn answers #stop the fighting! encourage the 2d fucking!! #armand #iwtv #louis de pointe du lac #lestat de lioncourt

[jamie2lamie]

May 16th, 2023

I'm in third period right now. I don't really know what to do cause we're supposed to be studying for the EOC that's on Thursday, but like I suck at studying... and I'm so close to having a breakdown at any second. This school has literally traumatized me, the only reason I stay is because of my friends and because I got into an art program for next year. I'm coping by listening to anything Ryan Ross is in, he's literally the only reason I'm staying alive. My goal in life is to meet him one day, like I'm so determined. Another reason I'm living, besides my friends and Ryan Ross, is because I have three concerts coming up this year. I swear this school makes me want to end it all sometimes, they literally have suicide hotlines on the back of the ID's. Another goal/motivation I have is to stay alive long enough to see MCR live. If someone even looks at me weird today, I will break down. Like I have such a fragile emotional state right now. Literally, I cry a little bit every time a song from 'Pretty. Odd.' comes on like it's so comforting, but it hits me like a ton of bricks. I can't take all these tests and homework right now. Each of my classes has work for me, I'm failing two classes, I have a C in like two other ones, a B in two, and one A. I'm struggling so much, and I know it's because I'm lazy, but I really don't have the motivation to even try anymore. There are so many assignments on top of the tests, and the most important classes are the ones that I'm failing and the ones I have an EOC for. I hate this school with a passion, literally earlier in the year, my counselor told me that I should go back to therapy. I think I'm gonna have to take Biology again because I'm doing so bad. Like, my parents, especially my mom, always say that I'm smart, so it "doesn't make sense why I'm not doing well in my classes and on my tests." I just think that I'm gonna explode any second. Last night, I was doing Biology homework while crying to a Panic! album. This school always says that their top priority is their students.. that's literal bs. I know the simplest answer is to lave the school, but it's all I know, it's like Stockholm Syndrome. I think that if I leave everything will go wrong. And I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not into a certain guy because all my friends say that I deserve better. I guess I do, but he's a nice guy, but I keep trying to put into my head that I deserve better, because I guess I do technically. Like anytime I bring him up to a friend they just make a disgusted face, I only have like 3 supportive friends, and then the other ones who say they support it make contradicting statements. I think it's just easier if I just got over him, it'll just be better for me. Like, I've done it before, lied to myself till I believed it, so how hard could it be to do it again? The last time I did this it took about 2-3 months, and they totally sucked, but I was down bad for the last guy so this one should be easier to get over.

Have a better morning, noon, day or night than I'm having <3

-jamie :((((

#live blogging #online diary #ryan ross #i hate school #journal

[clowngames]

In high school I had a teacher who did not grade homework, accepted it late, and allowed people to retake tests IF they did all the homework of the unit.

At the time, I was the wrong combination of wicked smart, lazy and/or undiagnosed with anxiety, and fully busy with extracurriculars. As a result, I took full advantage of this system in the worst way. I would not do any homework, fail (or get a D, which is a fail when you're a gifted kid), then stay after school on days when I was available to finish all the homework and retake tests. The retaken tests would come back to me as Bs, with a small penalty for having to be retaken.

I repeated this cycle every unit. Units were like 2-3 weeks long.

It was very obvious what was going on - the homework was necessary to reinforce the things I learned in class, and by not doing it I was failing to have those concepts reinforced. Every unit, I would decide that this time I understood the concepts well enough that I didn't need to do homework, and every unit I was proven wrong whenever I got tests handed back.

I think a lot of people's gut reactions would be to say that I was taking advantage of a system that I didn't deserve. That I should have worked harder the first time around and I shouldn't have kept getting second chances. I don't agree.

Because in the end, I learned two things - one, the actual course materials - and two, things about myself, the way I operate and learn, what I have the capacity for and where my limits are.

When I graduated high school, I reflected on that class and the cycle I trapped myself in, and used those lessons to prevent the same thing from happening in college. I was extremely diligent in classes I knew I might fall behind in, and I was able to keep pace. If I hadn't been given an infinite number of second chances in high school, I almost certainly would have run out in college.

It was specifically because I was allowed to fail that I was able to grow.

[munsontm]

DRUG & ALCOHOL ADDICTION: REVISED.

sb: so, you say eddie has an alcohol and drug addiction, huh?

me: oh yes, absolutely.

sb: golly, well, what the heck does alcohol and drug addiction mean?

me: well, in the case of edward munson. it goes a little something like this...

Addiction is marked by a change in behavior caused by the biochemical changes in the brain after continued substance abuse. Substance use becomes the main priority of the addict, regardless of the harm they may cause to themselves or others. An addiction causes people to act irrationally when they don’t have the substance they are addicted to in their system.

sb: i see, i see. but how did this all start?

me: let me tell you the tale of the bard...

Eddie had his first drink around the age of 9/10 courtesy of his father claiming that it would make him a man. Shocker, It did nothing. After that first time, Eddie sometimes drank just to please his father, not that it ever really made the asshole pleased at all. Eddie didn’t drink a lot, but it was enough, you know? No little kid should be consuming alcohol.

It was actually once Eddie was placed into Wayne’s care around 12 that things became worse. And not because of anything Wayne did, because Wayne was the first adult to treat Eddie well. But Eddie was traumatised by his childhood up till then. His mother had died when he was 10 in a car accident that Eddie concluded was suicide because she could no longer stand her situation with Eddie’s father, and would rather die than have to spend her life with him. She was only 19 when Eddie was born, and the Munson’s effectively ruined her life. She didn’t not love Eddie, but she wasn’t particularly present in his life. So, Eddie is likely right that his mother killed herself. And when it came to Eddie’s father, he tried so very hard in those 12 years to earn his father’s love and respect, which included stealing for him---hence the hotwiring ability he has. But it was never enough. No matter what Eddie did he was never given an ounce of love from his father.

And when Eddie’s dad finally went away for 20+ years on a number of charges. The bastard tried to place at least some of the blame on Eddie in hopes of knocking off some years. It was then that Eddie realised his father had never loved him in the slightest, and had only used him for personal gain. And this is where Eddie’s cynicism of love begins because of his father. 

Back to the trauma! Eddie’s way to deal with all these realisations, as well as the sudden shift in his life was to suppress them. He went back to drinking, but on a more regular basis. He started smoking both nicotine and weed. Now, I hate to push the whole weed as a gateway drug bs because it did wonders for myself. But for Eddie, who was under such emotional turmoil. Weed did end up becoming his gateway drug, and it remains his favourite drug. But it led him to trying hallucinogens, cocaine, pills of all sorts, opioids included, ketamine. The list just kinda grew over the years.

Post series when Eddie finally gets to leave Hawkins, one of the larger sources for his trauma. You might think that he could leave his old coping mechanisms behind. Wrong! Now he's living in big cities and living it up on the club scene where drugs are handed out like candy. And having been a drug dealer for some years, it's all too easy for Eddie to get ahold of whatever he wants whenever he needs. It's not so bad in those first few years, he mostly gets messy when he's out for the night. But he will drink and take drugs all night until the early morning hours, and that does eventually spill over into every day life as the years go by. It's a slow change.

Eddie's addictions heat up when CC hits the big time. Eddie is thrust into a world where drugs and booze are handed out like candy on a silver platter this time by producers, managers, other musicians, and even record labels! It's everywhere Eddie looks, and given the slippery slope he was already on. It's pretty much impossible for him to not end up spiralling deeper into addiction. Plus, it's expected of him by the music industry culture at the time, and Eddie doesn't want to let CC down by not playing the game after they tried for so long to enter the but leagues. It's probably the only time in Eddie's life where he conformed to peer pressure (not from the band tho!). Yikes.

Over the next few years, Eddie drastically changes. He becomes less reliable, more argumentative, more unpredictable and prone to sudden emotional outbursts. He always seems like he's on the verge of a mental breakdown; especially when on tour. Eddie becomes reckless with himself and irrational in his thoughts and actions. Yet, Eddie doesn't notice any of these changes. He thinks he's being the same old Eddie because the constant flow of drugs is altering his brain chemistry, so he doesn't notice the changes, which leads to arguments etc.

*The next entries pertain mostly to my main verse with harringtontm, but is also open to other muses ofc.

The only time Eddie seems remotely normal is when with his kids and Steve. But even that is strained due to him being away often while working. Things with Steve during this time aren't great as Steve has made himself aware of how bad things are in Eddieland. He's known longer than anyone else tbh, but didn't know how to address it like he wanted to. And now he's so focused on being a dad that he's even more distracted.

Unfortunately, Steve is forced to confront the problem when Eddie accidentally overdoses one afternoon on the bathroom floor and Steve has to save his life. It serves as an alarming wake up call for both of them and prompts a series of serious conversations that end with Eddie convinced about getting into rehab.

Ultimately, rehab is a game changer for Eddie. He leaves with an understanding of why he is an addict. Surprise, it's trauma! But also leaves with less understanding of who he is as a person. He spent so many years under the influence of drugs and alcohol that he has to question if that person was really Eddie, or part of the disease of addiction. It's a whole journey of self-discovery as well as one of recovery both physically and mentally. He'll always be an addict. That's just fact. It's incurable. He can be sober for many years and still have a relapse at any time. But he has a good support system, which is the most powerful tool an addict can have to stop that from happening.

#important portrayal headcanon 🛡️ #drug addiction tw #alcoholism tw #child abuse tw #𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚘𝚗 : 𝚖𝚢 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚍? 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗'𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚊 𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚔 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎. 🎸 #v. volume 6 / arc: san francisco feat. harringtontm. #v. volume 6 / arc: los angeles feat. harringtontm #v. volume 6 / arc: chicago feat. harringtontm. #v. volume 5. #v. volume 4.

[littlelilaccake]

unpopular opinion…

Hear me out. I need to see Yuuichirou get hurt, badly. Before you say he’s gone through enough or let him be happy- listen. Character development. At the moment we really need it in my opinion. It sounds stupid but under the cut i’m attempting to explain why- along with mentioning minor to major flaws in writing that I don’t understand. NOTE: I LOVE OWARI NO SERAPH AND THIS IS NOT TO HATE I AM SIMPLY POINT SOME THINGS OUT PLEASE DON’T TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUS. 

As we can see through the manga Yuuichirou has in a sense started to develop character wise backward. You would think a traumatic event like his would cause him to become more cautious and distrusting but if anything it’s the opposite. Ex 1. He knows Guren plotted to kill his family but still believes that there was a good reason. That in itself sounds stupid and most people including myself can’t understand that. I would like to mention a character is better liked when we can understand reasons behind actions but at this moment it’s like he is an overly happy protagonist that needs a reality check. Having blind hope only endangers people around him - and we have seen that in actions when his blind hope in Guren got Mikaela killed. Yet even after that he trusts him and in ch 115 - 116 he only fought back because he wanted to save Mika. Still you have to take in account that if that fact wasn’t mentioned or if Guren simply left out the idea that Mika could be saved Yuu would have gone along with it. He would not have even though to think twice of potential dangers or even other possibilities. He trusts someone who has given him more than enough reason not to so much that he refuses to fact check or attempt to call out Guren’s bs. You have to know that simply filtering info could be devastating to someone like Yuu right? (Bout to go off topic) 

Another thing is the fact that this is Gurens mess. He should fix it himself but to make himself useful in a sense Yuu goes along with practically everything he says.  I have seen a lot of debate on how Guren and Yuu are acting the same and being selfish however in a previous (thread??) I talk about why saving humanity is a bad idea. Yes they are acting the same however in simple terms Yuu has better reasons. Let me explain. Guren ended the entire world to bring back what 7? People. He ruined the whole world. However in Yuu’s case it won’t affect anyone who is already dead. It won’t do much but I can understand why some of you see it as a waste but by saying that Guren is still someone who started this whole mess. If Guren hadn’t ended the world Mikaela would not have been turned and would not have been killed by him thus having to be saved instead of humanity. It’s all a massive butterfly affect that started from Gurens mistake and probably Sika’s planning but we are not going to get into that right now.  (Back on topic somewhat.)

Yuuichirou hasn’t really messed up badly either. before you say he loss of his family that wasn’t really his nor Mika’s fault it was planned. This is another opinion but having a perfect mc isn’t all that great either. You need to give a character regrets mistakes and messups. You could argue and say he has however all of those can be traced back to one of two sources. Guren and Shikama. By pointing this out I am saying that him being perfect makes him unrelatable and makes him feel like he always has the moral high ground even though sometimes no- most times the morally right thing to do isn’t the best thing to do. Sometimes the morally wrong reason is the best option to make characters more palletable to readers which is why based on recent chapters people have liked Yuu more and why most people in the fandom tend to like Mikaela over everyone else because he has flaws but that is reasonable and makes people gravitate to him based on the fact that he Is still growing.  Along with this something to note is that the mc of anything has an affect on people around them as everything is in fact centered on them. So in a sense the reason why Guren often gets defended so brashly is because he is on the side of the protag which means he has the moral high ground which most people assume is the right choice. Look at my wording ASSUME, which means not a lot of thought nor evidence is put into it. (ONCE AGAIN NOT HATING ON THE MANGA OR ANYONE JUST POINTING SOME THINGS I HAVE NOTICED WHILE I HAVE BEEN HERE IN THIS FANDOM. IT’S OKAY TO DISAGREE. ITS CALLED AN OPINION) 

Anyway. To end this off the only reason I made this is because I have been holding it in for a very very long time. Like years long time. Anyway please do not send hate this is an opinion. we can have different opinions and disagree that is completely fine. If you would like to please send me your opinion or argue and discuss if you would like that’s also the point of this. Once again not hating or anything just stating some things. 

(Hating on Kagami for the other bs he puts use through tho. at this point the manga is just a thousand year old slow burn.)

what?

bye have a nice day. Thanks for staying <3

#mikaela hyakuya #Yuuichirou Hyakuya #ons #owari no seraph #seraph of the end #unpopular take #dont @ me #im sorry #not really

[michaelmilligan]

The post going around about accomodating anger issues is so fucking true. Like. Even in therapy context, the accomodation isn't always there! From my own experience in a place that was supposed to help people with mental health issues (and did at least an okay job with most):

1) There was this guy who came in after I'd been there for a few weeks. He had anger management issues. And he was thrown out after about a week because he showed - you guessed it - anger!

Okay, so what happened was that he apparently threw a bottle or something. But the thing is. He didn't throw it at anybody, he threw it at a door while being alone in a room. The problem? His roommate came in just when he threw it. (His roomie was fine, if shaken.)

Now I can understand that the roomie didn't want to sleep in the same room as the guy anymore. But they didn't even (as far as I know) try to accomodate the guy with the anger issues. The sensible thing imo would have been to give him a single room. There he could have safely let out his anger without someone randomly walking in (the staff should at least knock before going in, so he'd be warned). But this didn't happen. I guess that guy's insurance didn't cover a single room. 🙃 Even though there was at least one empty one at the time. 🙃

Mind you, the dude was already against therapy in general, complaining how after a week nothing had changed yet (which is an unreasonable expectation to have, yes, but he had it). Do you think he will ever try again? These people didn't even try to help him when he showed freaking SYMPTOMS of what he was THERE FOR.

I don't think he's going to seek help again.

2) Towards the end of my own stay, some bs happened that I won't go into rn. And I became angry. At the therapists, mostly, though it also generally became difficult to shed the anger. I tried going for walks and to the gym, but nothing helped.

The therapists seemed upset that I was so angry at them. (At least some of them.) But I just couldn't stop being so fucking angry, it definitely impacted the rest of my time there. I couldn't really get anything from the sessions anymore.

And the best thing? When I managed to control my anger long enough to actually, through gritted teeth, ask for help with it, they told me that I needed to handle it on my own.

Great, thanks! Because that worked so well! I mean I understand that there is no one way cure all for anger but like. A suggestion would have been nice. Any nudge would have been appreciated. But no, nothing. I still get angry thinking about them.

And it's not like it's gone away. Once those feelings were unlocked, it seems like they never really left. Sometimes I get so fucking angry I feel sick. For hours. With covid and all, at least that's happened mostly when I was at home. But now that everything is opened up again... Well. Let's see how long it takes before I explode into someone's face.

And let's be clear, I do not want to go back. Before, I was severely depressed, partly because I was repressing my own emotions so hard I barely noticed I had any. If you asked me how I was back then my only honest reply could have been 'tired' or 'thirsty' or 'hungry' because I just didn't realize/let myself feel anything else. I still have trouble identifying feelings a lot of the time. They mostly manifest as physical sensations for me.

But, damn. Living with this kind of rage not just inside you but with the possibility that it will break out any moment is. Not great. And I wish I'd been given some tools to deal with that. But apparently that's for me to figure out alone. 🙃

This is not me seeing advice, btw, just want to rant.

#It's oversharing hours #Personal #Sorry for the rant #Might delete later #But that post made me think of this and just *clenches fist* #They were also stupid about everyone's weight but that's a different story #I also feel like I've got way more insecurities now #Like sometimes I panic over really little things and it's stupid but I can't help it #Anyway #Rant over

[dark-magical-ships]

omg imagine Seto giving you an office job at KaibaCorp. nothing super high stress or busy, just something to earn a little fun money since he insists on taking care of everything financially (and to keep you close to him during the day, let's be real). this man's finding any excuse to stop by your desk; he brings you cups of coffee made exactly how you like them, paperwork with secret little love notes tucked between the pages, sends you emails he knows you have to check that are always like

"Amy,

Darling, do you know how distracting you are? You look stunning today, as always; I nearly tripped over myself when I saw you this morning. I can't wait to finally call you my wife.

Seto Kaiba

CEO, KaibaCorp"

(help him he hit send before he could turn the email signature off)

and he makes sure you're constantly in his office under the thin guise of "meeting reviews" and "updating paperwork"; he just wants a break to talk to and check in with the love of his life ♡ sometimes, when he works into overtime and won't get home until later, you grab dinner and you both sit on his office floor eating takeout. just Seto loving you so much he can hardly stand to be away from you

— @daydream-sequence

A;LSKDJF;LKASJDGLKJG MARS YOU BASTARD /lh /nm Heccccc you gonna have me daydreaming of being his secretary or some BS lmfao never thought I'd see the day—

OKAY but real talk I have turned down jobs at KC SO MANY TIMES lmfao XDDD He offered me an apprenticeship there right out of high school before we were even together, but I said no because we were friends and I didn't want my whole career to hinge on who I knew; I wanted to succeed on merit. Then he offered again after we got together, and like a dozen more times; basically whenever I'm in need of work he reminds me all I have to do is ask and he'll set me up. XD I'm an ambitious little nerd though and want to find my own way in terms of a career, even though it's been financially unnecessary for years.

That never stopped him from doing basically exactly this shit, though! Cheeky fucker just switched to working from home most of the time. Our schedules line up in such a way that one of us is almost always off while the other is working, so there's a lot of texting and gaming that ends up happening while we're supposed to be working. XD He has showed up at my workplace more than a few times over the years to "drop something off" or "for a meeting" that was really an excuse just to come see me, and busy schedule be damned. I don't work for him, but I've helped him with his work stuff on countless occasions just to spend time together, and that has indeed included more than one dinner eaten off the coffee table in his office while pouring over forms and figures.

2020 was friggin ridiculous for this because we were both working from home, which meant we shared the home office. I was a call center worker at the time, so my performance was being watched closely even though I didn't have a supervisor in the same building. Somehow I kept my metrics and work quality up so my manager never realized just how distracting that was, and of course as the owner of the company and top executive Seto can basically do whatever he wants... but the number of calls I took while thoroughly distracted was a lot higher than it probably should have been. XD

One of the sneakiest ways he's taken advantage of my working elsewhere, though, was the time he had my car towed while I was at work, stranding me there. XD He waited for me to call him about my car being gone, then said he'd send Isono—basically his right-hand man next to Mokuba (left-hand man, then? anyway)—to pick me up with a company car. He showed up like ten minutes later, which was suspiciously fast, but I was just grateful not to be standing around in the cold for a n hour since this early-mid March and it was raining and really damn cold out.

If you've been following me long enough (I know you haven't but anyone else reading lol), or have gone back through Seto's tag far enough, you might have some idea of what he was up to. I, however, suspected nothing, because I am dumb of ass.

Isono started off like he was taking me home while I was lamenting my "stolen" car and how I was going to get a new one so soon after having just bought this one, and all the while this guy is proving why Seto's kept the same Number One for so many years by playing it completely cool. He was just all, "Mr. Kaiba is doing everything he can to make sure your car is returned by Monday morning," and "I'm sure Mr. Kaiba would be more than happy to lend you one of the cars from his own garage, or else provide a company driver for you," yadda yadda. And it wasn't until like twenty minutes into the drive that I realized we'd passed the exit to go home and were still on the highway. I asked what was up and Isono was just like "Mr. Kaiba's orders, Mx. Amata. I can't say more."

Which, okay, fine. I trust Seto, and I trust Isono. So we keep going for like another hour and a half on that highway. And where do we end up?

There's this little Bavarian-looking tourist trap of a town with a name that always makes the military guys in my family laugh up in the mountains around here. March isn't a big time of year for them, but it's beautiful and exactly my aesthetic and kind of place to get away for a while We stopped at this small resort in the general vicinity of that little mountain town, and Isono handed me a room key with a number on it. I went up and what did I find there but Seto Kaiba with a damn candlelight dinner and everything, having pulled out all the stops to surprise me for a long anniversary weekend. This was like our seventh anniversary; I had no idea he was planning anything this big, but it was really just. Spectacular.

And true to Isono's promise, my car was sitting in the driveway when we returned home Sunday night.

#friends #mars #love my moots #🐉💙 cocoashipping 💙🐉 #ask box #DAMMIT FRIENDS OMFG PUTTING AU IDEAS IN MY HEAD AGAIN #LASDJF;LASDJG;L #SAVING FOREVER #lovely memories thank you mars this was a delightful surprise when i got to work hehe #<3 #you still haven't gotten me back as good as I got you though hehe >;3 #I KNOW THIS WAS ATTEMPTED PAYBACK FOR THE BIT ABOUT REN PROPOSING TO YOU #and if you think this will stop me from popping back into your inbox when you least expect it you got another thing coming hehehe

[mangodestroyer]

Anyone else regret going to college right out of high school?

Seriously wish I'd waited a few years and just got some work experience instead, to see what the real world is all about. While in the meantime, seriously pushing myself to do some career research.

I mean, I was at the top of my hs class and just assumed that me being good at math and science, and just picking whatever STEM field has the most jobs, would be the easiest and most secure bet for me. I also assumed that going straight to a rigorous engineering school, without prep or life experience, would work out.

Instead, I've become one of THOSE students who have switched majors a few times, AND schools. Took a couple breaks. STILL not entirely sure what I want to do. AND I passed the mark for graduating within four years.

And I've done extensive research on math jobs I can get with my background. I've already learned all the math that could possibly be considered useful to employers (outside of some rigorous study in differential equations, advanced calc, and statistics). So unless I really, REALLY want to go into academia, or shoot for a prestigious role in computer science, getting through theoretical math is really only worth if for the practice in logic exercises and for building a foundation, and should only be done as a hobby.

Not only that, but having a strong foundation in math isn't enough. You need to also learn a lot of programming, or you need to specialize in something like finances or engineering.

I know it's not really that big a deal. Like I said, I've taken so many college level courses in applied math. More than enough to have a minor in it. And literally, everything I've read said that employers are going to take that over someone who hasn't even touched calc 1 (if both candidates have the same qualifications otherwise). It definitely wasn't a waste of time. But I'm also not so sure I want to struggle for a few more semesters through rigorous proof writing courses when learning abstract math is just more fun when other people are doing the work. Especially if I did fine through a lot of the other math courses which, again, are useful. And ended up enjoying those more. I think I'd rather spend those last two years doing something that's more employable. At this point, I'd graduate within the same amount of time if I just transferred to something involving lots of applied math.

Also, I haven't taken an in person class in almost three years. As an introvert, I was okay with this for the longest time. Now... not so much. I don't know how we did it during COVID. I am now starting to understand why people hated it so much.

Honestly, good for the people who just knew what they wanted to do and got right to it/through it within a short span of time. But also, I totally get it now when adults, growing up, would talk about how they switched majors/careers a few times before finally settling on something. Also, I used to be a shitty teenager who thought flunking out of college was lazy and stupid (I bought into the whole "college degrees give you value in society" bs). Now, I don't even judge people if they drop out when they were close to graduating. Although a part of me still wants them to just go back and FINISH since they're so close.

[endlessthxoughts]

i never speak to anyone about my situation, but at least here i can speak here without shame. here’s what i’m going through:

- My Grandmother is slowly passing from Alzheimer’s and i have no way of seeing her without cutting into my savings to move out.

- My mom is going to have to move across the state to take care of her, while my job, friends, and life are here. I have to move out before she leaves.

- My job has given me and all my coworkers 2 months to find a new job as they are closing my office.

- The job market is stressful and it is very difficult to find new work now.

- I have debts that need to get paid but have no way of paying them off without sacrificing saved money.

- I lost some of my friends last year that i used to always hang out with because they weren’t acting like true friends should be. Leaving me with a smaller support group. This is a plus but I slowly feel like I have less and less people to lean on.

- My mom and I are not on good terms because of what she did a couple months back without talking to me first. I’m not sure ill ever forgive her.

- I am responsible for a recent breakup that i caused through my negligence and mistreatment of the person i love.

- I am needing to get further tests done on my liver as the doctor needs to check if there is something worse going on.

- My dog has a tumor in his right ear and is getting hard of hearing. I grew up with him and i love him very much. It is sad to see him grow old.

- My dad and I barely speak and it is hard to have conversations with him without talking about conservative bs.

- My brother is in another state and I wish I at least had him closer to me so we could work on our relationship further. Phone calls aren’t enough.

- I feel as if i don’t have people to talk to about my feelings and things I’m going through other than my therapist. Loneliness is suffocating and I had a bad time the other night with really bad thoughts about what i would do to myself.

- I know it isn’t the end of the world, but calling people to talk about things you’re going through and every one of those calls going unanswered makes me feel alone and not able to keep going in life.

- I just feel like nothing, floating through life with no clear purpose or path. Depression often leaves me bedridden.

- Days are just filled with work. I get up, work my main job 9-6p, then immediately go work my second job after. Everyday is the same. Nothing changes and I have no time to do what might make me happy.

I just really really need a long, tight hug and a shoulder to cry on.

#endlessthxoughts #late night thoughts