#no matter what I did

[willgrahamsleftear]

Can someone just beat me up I think it’d fix me

#ever since I was a little girl I’ve loved the feeling of being in pain because it was the only way I felt alive #I remember being in elementary school and trying to articulate my feelings and struggling to make people understand how I #didn’t feel alive #I remember writing in my notebook that I wanted to cut myself open. to rip out my intestines. #My teacher found it and was horrified of course and the school got involved #if I wanted to keep going to school I had to go to therapy. which didnt do anything anyway #Hm #All my life I’ve lived in a state of not really feeling. real. #no matter what I did #pain is the only thing that’s ever made me feel at my highest #I can’t feel pleasure without hurting #Pain magnifies every feeling tenfold #I can’t fully enjoy anything if it doesn’t hurt #isn’t that weird? #Hmm

[minotaurbf]

IN MY NAME

#ughh hot #anyways i had the partylimit be gone mod right #so they were all with me when fighting the brain #and it simply wouldnt recognize minthara as being there #i got the subtitles but i didnt get the audio nor did i get to see her #no matter what i did #and i would have so loved to hear and see her calling my tav my love and beautiful #agh

[acecatbeanieenthusiast]

I'm so happy to be able to post about my genuinely wonderful sex life on here instead of being sad about not having queer sex or any sex at all for that matter

#beanie cat talks to himself #for the new ones here i was in a sexless relationship #no matter what i did #this was not agreed upon #and it was really difficult to be in #because they denied being ace or sex repulsed #ao i thought i was just ugly #but now I'm living my pillow princess fantasy #godbless

[rotisseries]

that being said I'm not actually always opposed to conflict free fluff I am just opposed to the characters having their claws filed down for it. you can stick them in a coffee shop au it should just still feel like you sat the two worst most insane people on earth in a starbucks

#which in some cases I suppose if you did not file them down it would cease to be conflict free fluff #no matter WHAT au it was. but nevertheless

[addictt-with-a-pen]

you’re the brightest thing there is, and I was just your shadow. no wonder you couldn’t see me.

#it’s hurting again #so so much #I could never be enough for you #no matter what I did #no matter what I gave #it would’ve never been enough #you’re so heartless #but I still see you as golden #i hope i die soon #it wouldn’t make a difference anyway #no one ever sees me #I’m just a shadow #… #oh #fucking ouch #personal #my post

[cyancees]

i have neither a good imagination nor aphantasia, but a secret third thing

#adhd #doodles #show this to your therapist instead of failing to explain it like i did #me: its like i cant control my thoughts like i was trying to think of something earlier today but #all i could think of was this giraffe eating leaves and no matter how hard i tried to focus the thought would just. replay #my therapist: what happens if you try to let the thought just play out #me: ........ i dont know but i dont want it to be there at all when im trying to do simple addition in a maths exam #10k #100k

[dreamlostdogs]

Something valuable that I've figured out about myself as an artist (post-burnout), is that it *really is* enough that people, when they see my art, understand what I'm trying to depict with it. Anything more is just extra, and this relaxed attitude is what allows me to do art now

#thank god for tumblr tags so I can elaborate #compared to shit ass twitter #I burned out because it never felt like anything was ever quite good enough #no matter what I did #there was always *more* I *could* have done towards improvement #which sucked absolutely all joy out of it #i don't hate my graphic design teachers for having pushed me to try to be better #that is quite literally what they are supposed to do haha #but it all ended up being a bit too much and for what? #so that i could get a job doing completely soulless illustrations for corporations #anyway #glad to be where i am now!

[black-plumbob]

#Sorry for the bathroom remodel mid-post #Sammy would NOT go in the tub #no matter WHAT I did #sims 2 #ts2 #bellagrave #bgburb #bgpleasantview #bgy01 #bg y2k1 #bg John Burb #bg Lucy Burb #bg Jennifer Burb #bg Sammy Burb

[bunnytreehouse]

oh right

new nightmare unlocked: someone cool tries to talk to you but suddenly your mouth is filled with caramel and you cant speak (there is an audience watching you)

#i had this dream last night #it was horrifying #no matter what i did #it was there #there was too much #why was there caramel #where did it come from #where did it go #where did it come from cotton eye joe

[egophiliac]

I have SO many thoughts about everything and they are in no kind of order yet, so here's just some quick little bits in the meantime!

I am not normal about any of these characters!

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 part 6 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 part 6 spoilers #me just staring at the ceiling thinking about anime characters #if i start talking about the big stuff now it's going to turn into a huge rambling mess so in the meantime #i did not get sebek (yet) (i need to contemplate my gems...) but i did see his groovy #he is just full-on cinderella-sparkles bibbidi-bobbidi-booing into that armor! magnificent. #and i really don't have enough words for how much i love tiny malleus. he is perfect. he is precious. he is everything to me. #he knows who his dad is no matter what some crusty dead talking ectoplasm blobs say #(man no wonder lilia's got hangups if THAT was the general attitude he was getting) #('eww you got your dirty bat cooties on the prince' go sit in the corner with mrs. rosehearts you absolute garbage) #(...i did kind of love that lilia started to wake up because the senate said one nice thing to him) #(and he immediately was like 'this is not reality') #(sounds about right) #on a lighter note i was just. SO charmed by the little throwaway about ✨dragon lord consort esteemed diplomat revaan✨ #who picks the vegetables out of his food and hides them under the tablecloth #everything i learn about this man makes me like him more. he was SO dumb. #now we know where malleus gets it from i guess #also unrelated but once again the fact that i named my mc tamago has had unintentional consequences #tamago take the tamago and tamago tamagao tamago #frikkin love that when yuu gives the egg back you can just be like 'i love him. this is my baby now.' 100% accurate. #also yuu continually referring to malleus as tsunotarou even to the senate = amazing. yuu really has NO self-preservation or awareness. #they fit right in with everyone else #<- see what did i tell you. huge rambling mess. #and i haven't even BEGUN to talk about MELEANOR -- (is dragged offstage by a hook)

[ruporas]

the blank ticket in your hand is just waiting to be filled in.

happy birthday vash! (ID in alt text)

#vash the stampede #trigun #trigun maximum #trigun maximum spoilers #trimax spoilers #vashwood #i actually made it... im crying... was devastated for a bit bc i thought i wouldnt had anything for vash's bday!! #but happy birthday to the twins.. vash and knives... #no matter what i was going to make a vash centric post im sorry knives... i have a comic in progress also but it was taking too long T_T #that one would celebrate both of them slightly more fairly! but anyway. #birthdays to someone like vash must not mean a whole lot. even the first one - him and knives were like oh what... cool.. i don't think the #had the chance to celebrate much after that :pensive: and vash probably spent most of his birthdays like any other day so i kind of just #wanted to celebrate him living and being alive - living for as long as he did and the people that eventually made living worth it #keep counting the years vash!!! even if you dont have birthday parties - it's still very very special #quote is directly from rem’s speech in ch 41 also #ruporas art

[renidyy]

The one who forgives finally asks for forgiveness, himself.

#good omens #good omens season two #good omens 2 #good omens 2 fanart #aziracrow fanart #aziracrow #aziraphale #aziraphale fanart #crowley #crowley fanart #ineffable husbands #ineffable husbands fanart #neil gaiman you should totally come look at what I made #The alternate caption was “your forgiveness matters more to me now than Heaven’s ever did. Forgive me” but I already posted that on twt

[pippuns]

you ever think about how fucked up it is that shen qingqiu's first mission out of sect was him subduing the skinner, a demon who targeted and replaced people no one would really miss?

very fun how the skinner ended up getting killed and destroyed by someone else who took the place of a person no one really missed

#i think about it a lot #fucks me up #like. shen jiu is a prick and was miserable to be around but it really is fucked up that the only person who missed him is yue qingyuan #and all of the other peak lords were like “well it's weird but he's actually better to be around now” #(no shade to the other peak lords. i love those guys and they did run a bunch of secret tests to try and make sure it was their shixiong) #(not their fault that system let sy cheat) #like. that fucks me up a lot. #pip speaks #svsss #btw im not saying that shen yuan or the skinner are equivalent in any way. intent and what you actually do with your life matters #but it is an interesting parallel

[parvavava]

some faves

#splatoon 3 #splatoon #octoling #shiver hohojiro #marigold splatoon #shivers proportions are WACK but its ok i did it scared and thats what matters #marigold marigold i love you marigold

[invisiblemonstrosity]

it’s their’s to burn

sharing a cigarette with joan of arc - dante émile ( @orpheuslament ) // photography by brendon burton

#this poem punch anyone else in the grey matter or? #jk I fucking know it did #‘None of that matters when God has plans for you. I still love him I just wish he'd leave me alone.´ #GRRR BARK BARK BARK #holyyy shit do you know what you’ve done to my psyche ?? #words #edit #poetry edit #dante émile #joan of arc #sharing a cigarette with Joan of arc #aesthetic #aes #art #photograph #Brendan burton #western gothic #typography #typo #writing #h8 #poem #Poet parlay

[doberbutts]

Recently Youtube's algorithm really wants me to watch Schindler's List and I never had so the other night I sat down and actually watched it.

Having a lot of thoughts about it but a major one I keep coming back to is how even an immensely and deeply flawed human being can go against "just following orders" and instead put in the work to actually help.

It may never be fully enough. It may never save as many as you'd hoped. But when you have a choice to either follow orders or save your fellow humans in front of you, I hope you choose the latter.

Schindler died in poverty. He was not a renown war hero nor was he at all famous or widely beloved. But he saw that he could help, even in some small way, and so he helped.

He was a Nazi who saw what the Nazis were doing to Jews and said no more. Enough. If I can even spare those under my charge, maybe a few extras, then at least I will have tried to do something about this.

I think a lot of people do not fancy this type of activism. It is messy, dangerous, and often completely thankless. Schindler survived as long as he did after the war due to those he saved helping him with donations. He was not popular in his hometown due to his association with Nazis, he was not popular in Germany, he was not popular in Argentina. His businesses all failed. His wife left him. A movie about his deeds was released several years after his death, where he would receive none of the benefits. He went to prison multiple times for simply refusing to hate Jews.

I think a lot of people like to think they're activists, but are sorely unprepared for doing this type of work, and then in truth become activists in name only. This is hard work. But without him, another thousand or so people would be on that death toll.

He took his position of extreme power- a Nazi owning a factory almost entirely operated by Jews, making oodles of money off that cheap slave labor- and said you know what? No. I'm not doing that. I can't save everyone, but as long as they are within my factory, you will not kill my workers. As long as I'm here you aren't harming one hair on the head of any Jew under my care. You're not sending or keeping them in Auschwitz. You're not randomly executing them for entertainment. They're people. You're not murdering them.

"Just following orders" they say. But they didn't have to. They could have helped. They could have did what he did, look around and say "what the fuck am I doing here", and stop. He did. They could have. They didn't.

#I think it's also intereating that he did not do it out of compassion at first #he did it because it was smart capitalism #jewish labor was super cheap and they were desperate to be considered fit to work because otherwise execution was waiting for them #only after the cleansing of the ghetto did he say whoa okay holy shit yeah no I'm not doing this anymore #that's also true of the real man the movie is about #I also think it's interesting that not everyone he saved thinks he was a good person #but even still despite his flaws they respect and admire what he did for them #his motives were not always pure #but the fact of the matter is that when he saw what was happening he chose to act against it #he did not shrug and saw welp orders are orders #nor did he succumb to hopelessness when it became difficult to keep up what he was doing