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theonlygamergost · 4 years

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With brothers by my side-Fd!au

This fanfiction is based on the Family Dynamic au made by @antarctic-bay, if you would like to know more, go check them out!!!

Also please bear in mind that the things written in this might not be canon!

Of course this fic was grammatically corrected by the amazing @im-default

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Minetra was rambling about how the boys would handle being stressed and under pressure, and this fanfiction focuses mainly on Wilbur, since she gave me an amazing prompt without realizing it

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Enjoy~

“Ok class!” The english teacher grabbed everyone’s attention by clapping. The sound echoing in the large, mostly empty, room.

“Today we will be reading the speeches you have written for this weekend festival, as you may already know, every class will give a speech, and today, hopefully with no hard feelings, we will decide whose speech is going to be presented, and who will read it”

Will was too tired to listen and to care, he had forgotten that this “speech-thing” was due today, (because the teacher gave them an entire week to write it, but Wilbur remembered it only the day before) so he had to pull a classic all-nighter to get it done in time, but everyone had to write one, so a three am sleep-deprived text was good enough to show he had done it, get a decent vote, and move on.

One by one, everyone read their speeches, the difference by an actual speech and a last-minute one was abyssal, Wilbur was half-listening, half-struggling to not fall asleep and half-thinking about accords to play on the guitar after school ended.

“Mr.Pandel?” Wilbur abruptly straightened his back, almost knocking his pencil case off the desk “Since you look bored of your classmate’s speeches, why don’t you illuminate us with your speech?”

Oh you bitch

Without adding anything else, he stood up, took a deep breath and started reading his text, a mess that was not even written properly, it was scribbled SO badly he struggled to read it, and between illegible hieroglyphs and grammatical errors, it would have made any english teacher scream out of terror.

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His speech ended up being not terrible, but if he would have put any effort into it, no doubt his speech would have been chosen in a heartbeat.

It did help that his voice was secure and very convincing, so in the worst case scenario, he would have gotten off with an average vote.

After everyone read their texts, it was time to choose who’s one was going on a stage.

The vote was fought between the British boy whose family was royal and all that bullshit and a girl who often skipped classes, so no one remembered her name...the girl ended up winning the vote and the boy almost flipped her off in front of the teacher, it would have been hilarious, but it didn't happen.

“Now that that’s settled…” The teacher cleared her throat, cleaning the blackboard to vote for the second decision: who was going to read the speech?

Student after student, the votes for Wilbur skyrocketed, to the point where no one was even close to the points he had: he was going to hold the speech as his class representative at the school’s open festival.

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As he was closing the front door, he shouted “I’m home!”, waiting for a reply that would never arrive.

The house was empty, which made Wilbur a little sad since he had just shouted a greeting to empty walls.

He slipped his phone out of his pocket into his hand while opening the cupboards, grabbing Tommy’s cereals and… Oh yeah… That…

He had forgotten that his mug was in the sink, since no one had washed up the dishes that morning… Meaning that there were also no spoons left… Goddammit

Placing the phone on the counter, he grabbed his mug and the spoon in it to wash them, was he going to wash the rest of the dishes? No, after all, he wasn't the one on sink duty that night, so he couldn't care less.

After cleaning his mug, pouring cereals and milk and sitting down on the couch to open Youtube, it hit him properly.

He was going to give a speech as his class representative at the school’s open festival… Open…

Wait- shit, OPEN?!

He almost spat out the milk as he thought of that.

His school’s open festival was actually pretty known in town, and it was sure to attract parents and grandparents of the students, plus, everyone that swung by since there was also a market of hand-made miscellaneous.

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“Oh, that’s amazing Will!”

“Way to go bro!”

“...Cool”

Were the reaction of the Pandel brothers, Phil was very proud and supportive, Tommy was straight up happy for him and Techno was… tired, very tired ,three deadlines were coming up at once and he didn’t have time to work on them before because he had other things to study. But from the small tired smile he gave him, Wilbur understood that he was just as happy as the other two.

“I’m also working for our class's stand!” Tommy was radiating the energy and excitement Techno was missing while explaining his role at the festival. “We will be serving juice made from flowers! It was a science experiment and it turned out great! Me, Tubbo and Deo will make the lavender extract!”

“If it’s made by you three, I’m not trying it, I don’t trust you” Will teased Tommy, who instantly took the bait and barked back, Phil just laughed at the small back and forth between them that went on for a good two minutes.

“And you Techno?” Phil asked the half-asleep teen, “Are you doing anything for the festival?” Techno took back his plate after giving it to Tommy for a refill, “Publicly? Nah, too much pressure, I’m helping the teachers count how many spots we need. I let the plebs do the hard work, I just tell them where to put their stuff and which stand is theirs”

After dinner everyone went to do their own things, and miraculously, everyone slept more than five hours that night, they all needed and deserved it.

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In the days before the event, Wilbur studied by heart the speech, every now and then saying it out loud to be sure it sounded good.

As the festival got closer though, his stress and the pressure placed on him by teachers and students alike became more and more, heavier and heavier.

Until the day arrived, from when he woke up, he kept count of the hours and minutes that separated him from either a catastrophe, or a smooth speech.

He was scared of both of them equally.

Phil and Will were walking between the stands, Techno was laid off by the teachers a couple of minutes ago, so he caught up and joined them, Will couldn't help but notice the white shirt with the black and red diagonal line tie with golden hints that Techno was wearing, it looked very good on him, it made him look very fancy-

“HEY BITCHES!!!” Tommy waved energetically, embarrassing Tubbo and Deo, “COME TRY OUT THIS SHIT!”

“T-Tommy please don’t shout that…” Tubbo whispered.

Tommy’s class stand, judging by the que, was very popular, the flower’s extracts were attracting everyone, but Tommy just gave them access from behind the stand, the lavender extract ended up being very good.

“If you want I can do it at home too! I’m a- I’m an extract master now! Yeah!” Everyone laughed at Tommy’s confidence while enjoying the sweet hand-made drink.

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Will was scared, peeking from the black curtain, the sea of students and adults in front of the stage inside the gym building was infinite, Wilbur couldn't see the end.

He sat down and brought his knees to his chest, he was stressed, scared...how could he have been so confident until now? How did he manage to agree to this? Why-

“Are you there Will?” Phil’s voice made him bounce on his feet, making his head spin by the rushed actions.

Putting up a fake smile, he greeted his brothers “H-hello Boys! heh…”

“Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill!!! There are so many people out there! It’s the year before yours that’s giving the speech right now, aren’t you nervous?” Tommy was munching on the sour candy Techno had bought him to redeem himself from the time he stole his candy. Will was trying his hardest not to bite his lip or fiddle around with his shirt.

“I’m fine boys! Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing! eheh…”

Phil was looking at Will confused, his head tilted to one side.

“If you say so Will…” Techno was also skeptical about Will’s words… but he decided to believe his older brother, “Do your best out there, you know how to do it” His smile became a bit more sincere when listening to Techno's words.

The older one shook his head, “Don’t give me that bullshit Wilbur, c’mere” Phil grabbed the younger out of nowhere and embraced him as tightly as he could.

Wilbur was frozen by the shock, clenching his fists while trying not to cry. The younger two looked at him and then at each other, after nodding, they joined in on the hug.

After a minute of silence, Phil spoke up, “I know you’re nervous Wilbur, everyone would be” the warmth coming from his brothers was melting his stress away, their hugs making a wall around his body and head, he couldn't hear the outside noises anymore.

“I believe in you Will, I’m sure that once you get on that stage, everything will go smoothly just as you planned. Show the world you are stronger than your emotions” As they freed Wilbur from the brotherly… no, family hug, he was focused up and confident.

Techno placed a hand on his shoulder and mouthed “You got this” and followed the other two who were already out of Wilbur’s sight.

He took a deep breath as the voice on stage introduced him.

Here we go

He stepped on stage as cheers and claps filled the air, in the large crowd before him, he noticed his classmates and a couple of teachers, and of course, his brothers.

Phil was smiling with a thumbs up, Tommy was shouting “GO WILBUR GO!!!” while jumping up and down, Techno nodded and cracked a smile:

With his brothers by his side, he was ready to take on the whole world.

#technoblade #wilbur soot #tommyinnit #philza #ph1lza #fd!au #my fanfiction #my writing

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swampgallows · 3 years

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i was writin it in the tags before i maxed em out but it had me thinking about how much more shit i did in college because i actually had access to shit. for one, there was a viable public transit system there. there was a bus stop literally outside my dorm, and i used to take the bus all kinds of places and just walk around the city and shit. i did tons of things i previously would not have accessible to me because i didnt drive. back when disney passes were cheap as fuck i had days where id swing by disneyland after class just to hop on a ride or two and then go home. i went to parks, beaches, the aquarium, the movies, clubs, raves, morris dancing, restaurants, the mall, and all kinds of shit on my own because i could actually physically fucking get there. the only real challenge a lot of the time was if i bought anything to get it home (i remember walking half a mile with a full length mirror back to my dorm because i kept missing the bus). but the point is that i DID SHIT. i wasnt constantly being micromanaged by people in my environment about what food i bought or what i ate, where i went and when, etc. and i had the resources to actually go fucking do things.

it all came crashing down, i think, when i got into that series of bad relationships. i dont think i was aware of it at the time, but that was about the time that things were ramping up toward something great and then i was betrayed by people close to me and continuously shot down. i didnt know how to process those toxic relationships, and part of me still doesn’t. almost ten years later im still trying to recover from the damage of them. yes, it was the same time that i was having heightened anxiety and the worst period of panic attacks in my life, which were and are awful and shitty, but i also had very understanding and supportive friends who were there for me during that time. it would be no different than if i got very sick and had friends who took care of me. i was having a human experience and because i had a good support network, i was able to cope.

so like. of course i got depressed when my boyfriend would hate-fuck me and embarrass me on purpose in public or in front of his friends. of course i felt too scared and sad to go to class when i was constantly being told my art wasn’t good enough and was a waste of time and “useless to society”. of course i hid in my room playing video games with rude assholes because at least they couldnt touch me. of course i didnt want to open up to people when they told me it was “fascinating the way your mind mistreats you”.

of course i got suicidal when i got zero weekend days off for three straight years. not even easter sunday, even though greek easter usually falls on a completely separate sunday. of course i didnt want to live anymore when i couldnt see or be with my friends or express myself naturally. of course i would be depressed about waking up at 7am every day to stand in a cold room alone for 8 hours and not even be paid enough to live.

friends and family and past teachers on facebook can encourage me to go on medication, but for what? will a SSRI pay me a living wage? is celexa going to make men treat me better? will prozac install a public transit system in my area, or help me move to a place where a better one already exists? xanax didnt sit in the car with me to teach me to drive and offer support, but it did help me recuperate from the dozens of screaming crying fits and panic attacks i had while orchestrating my own exposure therapy. it took years for me to get acclimated to just sitting in the driver’s seat of my car while it was off without having a complete meltdown and slamming it full speed into the garage to kill myself. because i am still so mad that i learned so late, that nobody gave a shit about me enough to teach me, that i had to shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars on lessons with complete strangers to learn this skill that has become mandatory for survival in the place i live. i had to use money to replace the love and support normally given by family or my community.

i am trying to condition myself to see my car as an emblem of freedom, but it feels like a cage. it costs so much money, it is so scary and exhausting to operate it, and everything in this world and society is forcing me to use it. and honestly it feels like, because i have it, i have run out of “excuses” for not being employed. that if i have a car, i should be able to go to any job whatsoever and sit in my car in traffic for four hours a day like every other average person in l.a. even at the trader joes i interviewed at THREE TIMES before they eventually didnt bring me on, i would have to drive anywhere from 30-45 minutes to work every fucking day just to work at a fucking grocery store. i know people see those numbers and go ‘psh that’s nothing! my commute is so much longer!’ and that just feels like hustle propaganda. like why are you proud that you have to sit in your car in fucking traffic every day to do a job that you probably could (and now probably do) work at from home?

the shitty case worker i had, tonya, could not offer a suggestion to me when i brougth this up to her. how is medication going to make me more employable? how am i not supposed to blow my brains out when my life is going to be sitting in a car that i struggle to operate to go to a job that doesnt pay me enough to live and then doing that forever until i die? why dont i skip all that and just die right now? why live through that? all she could say was “well, that’s just how it is.”

The much more obvious answer is that mental disorders, while influenced by genetic factors, are largely caused by trauma and context, and that oppressed groups of people experience way more trauma under capitalism, and are way less able to navigate the context of American society because it was built without them in mind, and in many cases to intentionally harm them.

this is why im going to be mentally ill forever, man. because i can’t fucking adapt to a society that doesn’t care about me. why would i do that? is it not inherently harmful and mentally ill to perpetuate an unhealthy environment? why belong to a society if we don’t care about the people in it? who is society for? if these circumstances were due to a partner, they’d tell me to leave them. if these circumstances were due to my living situation with my family or roommates, they’d tell me to move out. so must i leave society? do i have to live off the grid? do i have to hunt game and skin animals for fur and build my own shelter? even if i wanted to, like many natural peoples, capitalism is taking those things away too. look at first nations and indigenous people. look at the multitudes of the people experiencing homelessness and mental illness simultaneously.

it is all so obvious when you’re on the outside. no one expects, or wants, people like me to survive. the whole point is that we do not belong to society. the whole point is that capitalism wants me dead. my suicidality means capitalism is working as intended.

#blathering

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thelostandforgottenangel · 4 years

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Good Morning everyone! I'm back!

I am happy to say that it is over, any reported harassment's against me were investigated; I had to send so much crap in and was told to wait; I was not guaranteed anything but it is luckily over and I can move past that and enjoy my followers and dear Tumblr family once again

Thank you for the few who gave me the support; I did get the messages whoever you are, I really would like to put a face to them but will not post them publicly to keep everyone safe.

Now I want to take this time to apologize to everyone for whatever I did because for the two people I had contact with talked me out of a very permanent plan to officially leave here if I lost my page after many years of being able to confide in people who cared and built me up because this is my safe zone; my safe haven away from my reality which I do need my escape to forget for just a second.

Returning to Tumblr after a forced hiatus, I was just happy to be back and check on my loved ones; getting my new phone in and finally having access to the internet again had me so happy until I got a message I did not fully understand

Now I had just returned; I had no clue what was going on when this happened and, yes, it upset me deeply to be delighted to talk to somebody I considered a friend and instead while replying to ask how they were doing wanting to be sure they were okay ((Understanding the person had been having troubles before I vanished I was looking in on a friend)) before the chat showed they had blocked me right after

Like everyone on here except one person; there is no way to contact me if I go missing. If I am not here due to I either: 1.) not having internet thanks to the person in control of it or 2.) functioning with a broken phone meaning - I did not get updates unless it was somebody who knew who to contact

I had no other way of reaching out since the friend is no longer active here after leaving months ago.

I had no clue what was transpiring and, Lexi, who anyone who has followed me since the beginning, is my lovely Anonymous penpal who sends me writing ideas for stories and the only real reason I left anonymous asks active because she, like me, suffers from extreme anxiety was trying to boost positivity for me because she understood my situation and the place I am in

I understand now she contacted a lot of people looking for me because; my anon messaging was finally turned off weeks before I left right after I stood up to my bully – I am sorry for that I did not get to say goodbye to anyone because it happened without warning and to those who knew what was going on I knew you would understand, and I know I worried a few people, it was never my plan to be such an inconvenience

Now at some point in the last few days, I had a dear friend send me some things in a submission that I never saw and wish I never had, thankfully; I know now, and for the sake of their sanity and to keep from adding any more drama or toxic actions to our wonderful fandom, they will remain unnamed because I do not want them catching any hate

Nobody here deserves hate.

So I will not be posting the original nor will I release the creator's name; this was a problem between us it stays between us because I do not wish ill on you; I hope you are successful and are having no more issues, I know returning to my page and not seeing any anon hate in my box after ten days is very refreshing for a change

I have seen everything said about me in three possibly four separate posts since it was all sent to me as one with little separations in-between, and I’m okay with it; I guess I have to accept this is how you feel I have nothing else to say on the matter

What you are saying is fine; I’m not going to let it get me, that is your opinion, and as human's, we are all allowed to have an opinion

Now, I don't know if you will see this, but I don’t think you are crazy in any way; I think you are intelligent and you have a huge heart; in our IM's you told me about your disorder also about you mental problem and like I said there I still understand; it runs in my family and, thankfully it bypassed me; but I still have compassion for those battling mental illnesses since I do have a few myself

I didn’t know about the ask you got until you mentioned it before I returned, and since mentioned by my best friend that she got one too earlier in the day I already knew who you were talking about

I had just seen it when I got blocked, and I didn’t fully get to read it until this morning when I was finally able to log on, and yes, I privately told you who that anon was because I had told her what a sweet person you were encouraging her to friend you, I have no idea how I lied but it is okay too

I was not here for those hate messages nor was I involved in anything I get too much hate daily when I am here to even dream of sending it but, nobody will believe me except anyone who has ever interacted with me

In your post, you warned people about three of those five people (Again; the ones I know about will not be named)

I only tried to interact once with your Raph; the response was enough to discourage me from ever trying again; you were stressed I got that because of everything going on I can only imagine you felt like it was an attack, I did not want an RP I just needed somebody to talk to that night, and, for once I didn't go directly to private messages as I do with everyone, that was my fault so I deserved the blow up even if I did not know about that RP until you explained. I apologized, profusely because I felt bad for bringing up – it was to talk, something many know I am not good at, I didn’t know the subject would hurt you; we had never interacted but you had offered to interact with me at one time if I needed you and trying to heal I attempted to reach out on the only thing I had seen on your page a long time ago

I don't get to RP for me haven't for a long while now, but I try to make others happy

But I am sorry I made an effort to reach out; you didn't need that

So if you are in the TMNT fandom, please be cautious because I only seem cause problems for the people I care for

You blocked me, you have your reasons, and yes, I do respect them and, after this post, it is in the past; I hope you are doing and getting along well

And guys, I can’t and will not give the name of this person or do it privately because I don’t want them catching any hate, but please, by all means, if you ever find their blog follow them; they are so talented and deserve so much love from this fandom

Lastly, while I will be staying on Tumblr because I do not want to leave any of you, I will be making several changes to my several pages soon to make sure this never happens again and to all my followers; I love you guys, and for that, I will no longer be posting struggles on here anymore even though I only gave you guys a penny in a 10-gallon bucket because I needed comfort that was too much; my problems are my burden, not yours; and I can not say how sorry I am that I ever put that on any of you

Nobody needs to know what their friends are dealing with when we come here to be happy because it is too much to put on anyone not personally dealing with it, so you will only see the sadness in my stories and only see the struggle in my art

My ask box will be open; anon will alternate day to day but, any hate I hope not to see will be deleted immediately; if your face is on the lovely message; you will be blocked right there just like the last 12 people since quarantine started for me in February

Also, while I am still here *this is a scheduled post it is 4 a.m. my time will post, hopefully after I am asleep cause my sleep schedule is grossly off* I do not want ANY hate streaming from this post, I know my followers will not do that to anyone; this is just me getting it out of my system

We are breaking the chain of toxicity right here! We were not meant to be friends in this lifetime but maybe the next

Tumblr, at one point, was always a beautiful, safe place for many of us who needed a way out of our situations; and when I joined in 2014 as a supernatural blog I was run off, then I came back again in 2016 for TMNT and found my family some of us just wanted a place to be us; to not be judged for who we were, it needs to go back to that for all of its members soon.

We have already lost way too many wonderful creators from here let's not lose any more

And if you have noticed a difference in the last three months, mostly pertaining to my writing; I downloaded Grammarly and started taking classes with my old English teacher on ZOOM who, bless her heart, had to deal with my dumbass in school because I suck at punctuality.

I was very self-conscious about admitting that, but somebody reminded me there is no shame in learning something again and I have been working hard

#scheduled #mun will be on later #been up all night with sick kids

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delicioustrashlove · 3 years

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To me : a honest open letter to my self. deep breath and open up and express

What do you know . You went back there again and all though you held on super tight you couldn’t keep him could you? Of course not. You’ve lost your self every-time chasing him and you’ve never been able to catch him.

I thought I wouldn’t survive this one. I thought honestly I was not going to make something of my self . I whole heartedly was ready to give up . What ever happened happened and I could care less it’ll never be as bad as losing you. And I truthfully connived my self that my happiness only lied in your arms.

It took me so long to cry . Once I got back Colorado the reality of my new home, it was such a blur . For a while I pretended you died. To some how help my heart forget you. And thats all I wanted was to forget you. I deleted every picture and every single video .I blocked you on everything I could think of that youd have access to talking to me through . And for what . Just to black out once a week and tell you how much I miss you and that I love you . I drank my self silly . I mean every event every party every outing I had to be there I had to be anywhere but in reality . Because reality meant no you. It meant what once was and will never be again,, reality meant excepting my feelings. And I wanted so badly to be tough and strong. I’ve gotten my heart shattered a million times by you , you’d think I would get easier . It didnt it was worse . I was so fully invested in you that life didnt exist with out you in it . I didnt know what that felt like anymore . I was so wrapped up In you so blind to reality . Loving you meant losing my self . I lost my self 4 times a year for 5 years trying to keep your heart. I broke my own heart letting you back in to my life so many times . I knew better . But the love I had for you was so much stronger . I couldn’t stay away . I also revolved my entire world around you , so when you where gone I felt so literally like the world was ending . I lost my whole life . I realize now thats not healthy . You have to always prioritize your health and well being before anyone . You have to love you before you love anyone. So wed break up id self destruct then Id put all my pieces back together the ones you broke. Id fix my self and I would get back on track I was moving on I was happy then just like that . One phone call at 10pm where you clearly to drunk to remember the conversation id be on a plane. Drop my job my home my family My friends … quite literally everything just to be with you . Just to love you. All I ever did in this world was so unconditionally love you. I thought I could hate you I did for a while . But I dont anymore . You where apart of my journey and it almost killed losing you but it was supposed to happen . It was part of the plan that god has for me. You coming int o my life brought so much love and bond that ill never feel with anyone else . I will never love someone the way I let my self love you. And when the lesson has finally been learned only then I can move forward to the next chapter. And your purpose in my life was love and lots of lessons and lots of growing . You think god doest hear your heart crying you think he gave up on you ya know , but he never did. In the end you’ll see there was such bigger picture. 5 years I spent going back to you and leaving you. Why did I always go back ? Because loved you but I clearly wasn’t seeing what god prepared for me. He wouldn’t believe his lessons or fallow his guidance so he kept bring ing me back to you so I could relearn and remember why I left and well you might be my soulmate your not meant to be in my story forever . Only a couple chapters . And once you’ve served your purpose to my life that god wants me to have experienced and learned I will be able to move forward. I first must let you go . And I finally am starting to. I got so unhealthy and so sad and so stuck and caused so many health problems to my body . So much that was almost to much to prepare. But I made a choice one day . I chose my self , and not you. I chose to love me and not love you anymore. I commented intently to my family and I mean really gave it my all. I learned that no matter what my parents wouldn’t never leave mom behind .and im going to everything in my power to be a good girl to them and build our love and our relationship . And I think that was gods purpose all along. You cant keep whats not for you . And I didnt understand that when we parted ways. I accept that now . And I know as I continue to stay on the right path god has such beauty waiting ahead for me… look how much I loved you and all I did for you imagine how much I will love the right man. I did alot. Every time we break up I have to fix my self . But I know now its all apart of the journey . All those trials with you just made me stronger it made me braver it made me wiser and it made men grateful for the good ones. You breaking my heart was one of the best things to happen to me in the end. Because I never would stopped loving you I never would have left you behind. I would have always been your biggest fan and continued to love you till I ended up hating my self. You have the courage to set me free was the kindest thing you ever did for me. At the time I didnt get it but who I am now and what I ve accomplished for my self and how when you try really hard to be better and I mean really hard things kind of fall in to place. God smiles and says okay you deserve this you’ve learned you’ve grown . I manaaged to accomplish that goal of being close to my family . We are so close and we love trust and respect eachother so much . Our bond is very very strong . I managed to get my self too a doctor , I found out I complete sabotaged my health . And oh ya I have 14 allergies !!!! And some of the effects of those allergies after time has caused a harmful build up to where I was 3 years away form being diabetic , my thyroid completely stopped working . Amplifying my anxiety and my depression . The last month. I was in az i would get sick a lot . Id eat something and get sick . The problem was I was so fuxking drunk all the time I didnt ever thing anything of it. I’ve destroyed my guy and its a blessing that wildly and randomly this doctor asked if she could test me . And we found a lot of issues and also got a lot of answers to a lot of my health issues. Im starting treatment for that . Ill be injecting my self every other day with medicine to help my body repair the damages I have done and it will also help fight allergic reaction and build immunity so this doesnt happen again . I also !!! Am taking my meds again . Different ones but im glad I chose to take this chance on them again . I figured if im going to put my health and happiness first I dotn need to be drinking and If im not drinking a lot fo stuff is going to come to the surface and I don know how well ill be able to handle that reality. I also like I said thought. Was going to kill my self. I was so heartbroken so so so sad. I knew I needed help and I reached out and got. Now im happy and stable and I get out of bed and I have energy and im so present and to active. I work out everyday . I eat healthy and I lost some weight . My highest weigh t was 168 before our florida trip I got down to 147 , when worked for Linx I was 145 then after being with tj again my mental health went hay wire and I lost my self again . Completely lost. And when I got back to co I was 153 pounds …. I would shift from 145 to 147 … then I just stopped worrying about it and started doing something about it. I channeled all my sadness in to exercise . Im sad go work out im bored go work out im happy hey go work out get that good flow !! Your angry you miss him what ever it was I worked out then it became all I could focus on cus I learned to love it so Much . I took on running again I put in the work . Things finally where falling into place . I was getting my self back and this time it was better then ever . Better then ever before . I unlocked this door and its been so beautiful. I one day weighed my self just to see assuming id be 145 I was 137 !!!! Wow !!! A week later I was 135 and today I am 133!!!!! Its so cool and feels so good to not be depressed not feel pretty in my clothes. And iliv Amy self. So much . I hope I start working at hooters soon and continue to have a great life. I finally got approved for unemployment and ally back pay and also and extra 13 weeks after mine runs out. Things are just happening . I wasn’t going to get any hadn’t outs . But I was at the bottom thats for sure and you know who was there ? Not tj not the guy you literally did everything for no not him . My mom and my step dad and my brother . They took me in . And it was hard and uncomfterable , but I just stopped going out stopped drinking as much . And did things for them no matter if they where mad at me or if it was awkward.i committed to being good fo them . And I knew it would take time . But little by little ive managed to accomplish all my goals . When I used to be the queen of quitting. I cant wait to see even more of what god has in store for me. And who I become . My skins cleaning up my body is losing weight I more active im healthy and im very in touch with my desires and my well being . I care and love and respect my self so so much. Its like a huge spiritual awakening. I love being alone . I dont feel like alone deserves me right now to be honest .Its gong to take a lot for me to love again but its okay . Not everyone deserves that form me anyway. I worked so hard to me this . To be who I am right now and I won’t let anyone take that away form me. You cause harm to my heart my well being just by !! If you disappoint me disrespect me or hurt me its done . You lost you dot meet my needs your not benefiting and there’s to many many and women on this planet . Ill never waist my time on the wrong one . Ever again. I respect my self to much to put someone over me! And I stand by that now and forever!!! The new be is bette then ever and its gong to take a hell of a person to change my relationship status . And that cool im honestly not even interested . I dont care to date or hang out or hook up or even have sexual contact with anyone . Im so content with me myself and this beautiful transition im goin through I just want to focus on me and my family and my health. Because this is what its all about. This is what living is. this is life. This is beauty . This is whats important. I feel like im living . And im happy and im only going to get better and better. Thank you god for this life and thank you for giving me the strength to turn the page and start a new chapter on life. I fully trust you and the processs. And that brings me back to “god will never leave you behind” I needed to learn all those things that all may mistakes have taught me . And god has a way of constantly bringing things back Into your life if it has not yet served its purpose or taught you what you needed to learn. I see that now. Positive mind set is very powerful . Loving your self is amazing and living through god is the best thing you can do . I will always you tj and I will always in some way wish there was a me and you forever .but I cant ever betray my self like that again. That door is officially closed. See I thought my life was over when you said our relationship was over. But really it had just begun. Everything happened for a reason exactly how its meant to happen . Losing you meant I could finally find my self. It just lit up the path . God bless <3 no angry im happy and im I accept this and I forgive my self and you . Life is so Beautiful .

Some one very wise once said … -Life is not about how much you hurt its about how much your willing to suffer. ~VP

Im not willing to suffer any longer. Except it feel it and then forgive and move forward.

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augujerdeer · 5 years

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🍎👠🎃🌆👂😱💬!!! Feel free to not answer any of them!

IM CRYING BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY SENT INE THANK YOU jnsjshdjhsdjh

🍎what are yall’s favourite foods?

I think this is gonna be a long post now that I think about it, but i’m asking everyone what their favourite food would be if they could only pick one or two (not everyone answered or can but >:0)

Mine (Jamie) would be pancakes! or grilled salmon! OR SPICY TUNA SASHIMI!!!!

Kris, Chara and Matthew immediately just have chocolate as their answer dicenksfvjk but kris says “anything” and he lives up to it sometimes

Jaiden says gummy bears and gummy worms (all he eats is CANDY)

Kobe says flowers,,,,

Sal is picking between pizza and cheesecake smoothies

Peter says he doesn’t have one yet ;;

👠how difficult is it for y'all to agree on one cohesive outfit?

So this kind of depends on how many people are out, but I usually follow whoever wants to wear something if only one person is requesting something (Like when Kris would screech and ask for me/us to wear the pink hoodie or his sequins sneakers)

But if there’s multiple people, (usually Kris, Chara, or Matthew) it might take a while ksjskjskjs but generally everyone would go rock-paper-scissors or let the other person have us wear what they want! Usually because they deserve this turn or we take turns :0

🎃how many head mates could be considered scary?

HMM,,, I guess I would say Severous first. He’s a 8+ foot werewolf man, he is a BEAR

his fur is PITCH BLACK especially at night and his eyes and drool glow white (so he has no pupils, that’s his entire eyes), so if you’re in the forest in Providence in the middle of the night, you’ll just see a scary OwO face in the dark

HE DOESNT DO THE OWO FACE BUT ITS NOT LIKE I CAN COPY IT IN TEXT FORM

he always stands on two legs unless he’s SPRINTING , but honestly??? HES BABY and we all love him, Kobe calls him “PUPPY” and even drew him a few times while fronting ;;;;;;;; He’s actually a dad to one of our littles Penny and is gay and dates someone from one of my partners’ system

Also he doesn’t speak very well? He used to speak fluently but overtime and he was recovering from being a persecutor, his ability to speak was kind of, disintegrating? So he only speaks in SUPER SHORT and almost broken english sentences. if you visit him you can catch him reading children’s books and practicing to read and speak again,,, he’s baby,,,,

Chara (from undertale) could be considered scary inspace becaus ethey can go goopy- they’re not a scary person but if they want to scare you, (especially if you don’t know who they are i mean), they will be intimidating and stuff ;; when i first met them, they did spook me, and their eyes are very bright red

Sal (from Sally Face) I guess could be considered spooky because i was drawing him in class one time (prosthetic ON of course) and my friend said he looked scary ;;;? poor sal;;; he’s not scary at all

🌆what does your headspace look like?

*clasps hands together* goodness it’s a good thing i made this map. it’s VERY OLD but it’s still the same except imagine everything is WAAAAAY more spaced Out!

honestly i need to move the teleporters and mansion higher up (and the main tree closer to them) but this is it!!!

The most common places people go to is The Mansion, The Bunker, The Farmhouse, and The Picnic Ground! People when going for walks in the forest usually stick around the Picnic Grounds-Cave Pool-Farmhouse Triangle but usually can go anywhere- the forest is SO big though (alven took me flying once and it stretches to the horizon)

The Mansion is where most of us live! Here you can find Jaiden and the kids (Kobe, Aco, and Penny– and Carla (Carla is an NPC [who is aware of the outside?] but we don’t care she is family). Alven is also here with his lab, so is Joseph and Louise!! (and their dog, Troy). On the outside, you can’t see the mansion, only two giant doors (nobody ever uses kdndckdocsl we honestly just use the teleporters to go anywhere– Also, everything you see INSIDE the meadow excluding the bunker was what our headspace FIRST looked like!!! it was the start of everything ;; Jaiden made the mansion. The mansion has two main rooms- The Main Hall, and The Tall Corridor. There’s a looooot of history here

The Farmhouse is where I (Jamie) live! But i’m not inspace a lot so it’s honestly empty until i meditate there ;;

The bunker existed and is a place some people permanently moved to because we started having some Bad Refuses To Do Good Persecutors, or just bad people. They were VERY violent so half of us went to hide- and eventually the entire system actually moved to the bunker for almost a year and a half before moving out- and then some people stayed- mainly Matthew. People who live in the bunker are Matthew, Kris, Peter, Jade, Chara, Liam, and Sal! Icari should be here somewhere but i think she’s still hiding ;;

Most of the time if we have a new person, they move to the bunker right away. There’s a teleport system almost all over the frequent spots in the headspace so they can easily leave and enter! Matthew lives one the second ground below the 1st ground below because of some bad things that happened- he never leave the bunker because being outside scares him a lot- especially with the entire headspace being a forest :( you need special access to get down there

The Picnic grounds isn’t very special to me personally but Jaiden made it so people can have picnics!! It’s honestly SUPER pretty oh goodness, and no matter what time of day (unless it’s night) the sun is always shining nicely and it’s so pretty there, and people actually go there!!

The only people that don’t go there are Joseph and Louise because we had one bad person hurt them badly in that area,

Also the Ruined City i didn’t mention because– no one goes there- but we all know it exists. Basically it’s a purely grey/monotone/greyscale land? Like the moment you enter, the world transitions to black and white (not your body but the environment) and the only things that have colour are the miss and greenery in the background (mostly grass and parks, not a lot of trees). all the buildings are collapsed or destroyed in some way- so imagine a big area with degree and rubble and standing building but there’s so many destroyed parts like one building is missing an entire second floor and another has a giant gaping hole not eh side, etc.

we also don’t go there because it’s dangerous- there are giant SPIDER robots that patrol the area- we still don’t know why, but they shook lasers! (come back to this post later because I WILL add a picture of what i’m talking about!! i just don’t have my phone on me)

ANYWAY THERES MORE BUT ITS TOO MUCH TO PUT HERE

WE ALSO HAVE ANOTHER PLANET

👂What kind of music do y'all like?

Jamie - what do you mean people have favourite music? i’m just kidding uksdeijfdkj i like indie and broadway!!! pop is pretty cool but it’s not my first choice at all ;;; rock and metal hurts my ears

Chara - they have 4 playlists on spotify! One playlist is called Soft Knives for calm music (it’s usually happy but there could be some sad ones there- but no angst songs- imagine songs you can sleep to or calm down with). Blunt Knives is for angsty or apathetic moods- and Angry Knives is for ANGRY LOUD music. The have a 4th playlist called Chara’s Classical Collection. Chara can range from Classical music to indie music death metal and rock. They usually hate pop

Kris - he loves rap and r&b! though he loves a lot of music besides those! He loves tally hall and kid bloom :0 mostly chill or music that makes you go aW YEAH (his words) he also has Classic Songs in his playlist. So if you have it one shuffle, you’re listening to some sick bops and then all of a sudden Rockefeller Street Nightcore comes on and you get whiplash. doesn’t like metal or rock. He has a second playlist called “it’s Saturday Morning” for stuff like heo soul or “music you can dissociate to but not in a bad way” (Listen to Sugarcoat by Kid Bloom or Different State of Mind (some artist) for a general idea)

Matthew - rock and stuff similar to chemical romance and panic! at the disco. they like metal and rock but he says Sal’s and Chara’s are too aggressive for his taste- and hen you find out he sometimes listens to screamo

Sal - honestly i find his playlist super weird ? Some music sounds weird to me but otherwise his playlist is full over a lot of genres ! It’s kind of wack and funky- not the genre- but the amount of variety he has. And in his 2nd playlist is death/metal and rock- a bunch of loud music that can be fast sometimes too- is not afraid to head bang in public and do air guitar

Peter - We’re not sure yet but he likes music from his time- plus old music- specifically New Wave for now!his playlist is super new and he hasn’t been here a while so we’re not sure o>o

Jade - Soft calm or upbeat and happy music

Kobe and Aco - they are babies- Kobe still sings the ABC’s everyday so

😱do your headmates have any phobias?

i don’t think any of us has phobias- because it’s defined as “irrational fear” actually wikipedia says it can be CAUSED so nevermind dkjjkfd

Honestly these feel like triggers more than phobias butnit first thendescription of a phobia so;; i’m putting POSSIBLE because we’re not sure

Chara - Possible Nyctophobia (fear of the dark, but specifically extreme pitch blackness for Chara), Possible Ecclesiophobia (fear of the church -either building or what it represents])

Matthew - Agoraphobia most probably (fear of going outdoors/leaving the house, some say wide open spaces)

Sal - somewhat Cynophobia but wants to overcome it (fear of dogs) ((likes dogs but is afraid of them honestly))

Kris - Monophobia/Autophobia (Fear of isolation and abandonment) ((this is a big one))

That’s all i can think of for now

💬free space! one cool fact!

uuHHH,,,,,, i can’t think of any, but i know one thing: i love our system and i can see everyone’s trying really hard to take care of each other or are doing a lot to process their own memories and feelings ;;;

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whimsically-ominously-auspice · 4 years

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74% of women across the world and 32% of men have had their reproductive materials stolen.

Usually at birth for men and at puberty for girls.

So many people in DNA4U are receiving messages saying "you're adopted!"

I just saw one instance occur between a 30 year old and his 50 year old dad.

So its pretty cool to be loved enough to be adopted. I always wished I was adopted... Mostly when i was younger. Wished i had different parents. Turns out that i did.

I had my real parents whom were murdered.

So I always wished that i had parents that truly loved me.

So. What I always wished was that my parents were still alive. But in my mind i wished that people that cared about me more had adopted me.

I was angry as a child. Scared, hurt often.

So.

For DNA4U a 30 year old doesn't need a dad. He's lived his whole life Without one, doesn't need some biological parents that threw him out, didn't want him.

I know his dad, he would never had donatatef his sperm. He has always known how valuable sperm is. And he never thought he would want to meet his child in this manner.

That's what he thought, but it turns out... He's really excited and happy.

The 30 year old has 6 adopted children.

So that is why i am writing today. Because he didn't understand what it was exactly.

One was famous and knew me since 6 months after my parents were murdered. So I was just barely two. So he's known me nearly my whole life.

The other is one from Compton, living in a "group home" underground with other inky babies and some run aways. And some kidnapped children. We think the kidnapped kids were to hide and blend in the babies made of stolen genetic materials, in a lab and placed into surrogate wombs and incubation chambers which mimicked wombs.

And it did work, to be honest.

We didn't expect that and things went wrong.

I gave away my very own children and children of my friends and even family members. Because they claimed to have no parents or were confused, not having actual parents but nannies. And they were so young, we gave them for adoption. To hope they had better lives. And would grow and be kind and wise and happy.

Do i regret that? I took care of them the best i could. I know they were happy and wise and strong both mentally and physically. I love them, even those that actually did have families and were kidnapped and not my own. I do have a different bond with my own kids. But i love them all, i truly do, and im so proud of them.

I'm angry. I'm angry because the truth could been told. I'm bitter because it wasn't. And I'm revengeful.

I don't have the regrets a mother should, mostly because my children as infants were sold by Denise or killed by Jesse and his "friends" because i know that they're alive and well likely because i didn't have them. So I don't have regrets.

I have deep seated hate and resentment for those that make me feel that ny children not being with me was the best thing for them.

So.

I used to think "being adopted has to be the happiest thing, id rather be anywhere but here"

Anger. Confusion. Sadness. Guilt. Its alot to manage and understand

So for people whose genetic material was stolen -- you receive or will receive messages that you're adopted. Both for the parent and the child, no matter the age

Because i feel that being adopted is so much happier than the truth -- you had children created without your permission.

We have lives of the past, no matter how good or bad. And so its difficult to say "you're my dad" because dads are supposed to know everything about their kids.

Its difficult to say, "you're my baby" when its an adult, or "you're my kid" when its a perfect stranger you know nothing about.

So you "adopt" each other. Simply. You accept that they're you're kid. Or your parent. No matter what. You are willing to love each other, help each other and be kind to one another.

You're willing to let go of the fear, the anger, the ambush and let yourself have a relationship with someone whom you're biologically connected.

I have grandkids. Two have spent 7 years in cages. Literal animal cages since birth. They sweet and so smart and so kind, so fucking smart, you'd never know. We talk about their comfort and safety so its the only way we can tell. Because they have issues like needing to use old lady walkers/wheelchairs because their legs are so extremely weak from literally never needing to be used. But mentally, they're amazing and so strong behind belief.

They'll be okay. They walk and need aspercream and menthol and camphor rubbed in their legs, back and shoulders, daily sometimes multiple times per day. And we just say its sore for now but you'll build strength and in a few months it won't hurt anymore. And we have this list of medical supplies to help.

They're sleeping in the kitchen on air mattresses. So they know they can eat, any time and anything they want. Theyhavebedrooms with mini refrigerators and cabinets stocked with food, which unfortunately are upstairs. So we said put them in the kitchen. They'll be fine and it will be better for them mentally to know they have full access and control of their access and ability and they don't have to strain their little bodies.

That's love. That's what an adopted kid wants and needs. And that's acceptance that they're a little different than what is perceived as normal. They got a bit of special needs.

We have to be aware and extend that.

So sometimes for adoption it isn't perfect. Its not total 100% ready to be committed to being trusting or being okay with words that are normally said by each other. Or even actions.

We didn't realize going up and down would be so painful for them on the stairs. Neither did they, we had to stop and think about it, late late night on Day 2.

So we're not perfect, sometimes were dumbasses. But they didn't complain. So we had to stop and think you know. We can do better. They were just happy to be out and free and feeling okay.

But that intuition ... I can do better. We can do better. They need more than this. They need a little extra.

Its no ones fault really, we just observed what we had. When the pain struck then we realized going up and down ain't necessary. And we can make them mentally stable quickly. And they can go to their rooms but having that extra help is realky beneficial.

They were walking to the kitchen 5 times a day. And it was far. 30 feet one way. Plus the stairs and another 50 feet to their rooms

But it was too taxing just the 5 times from the living room/TV to the kitchen.

So if they weren't able to eat freeky before, put them in the kitchen, there's room and its better for them to know its their kitchen and they can eat when and what they please.

Of course they dont know what it all is.. Do they cook it or ? But they can ask.

And they never seen TV before so we hear "look at all the colors!"

Things we take for granted, ordinary boring things. Its new. And they appreciate it, and they're happy.

But that extra, helping thier little bodies to gain muscle and ability to walk stable and without exhaustion. That really provides an extra mile.

They can't walk that mile today. But one day they will, ubaided and without fear.

In time. Their own time.

So being notified you're adopted is us going that extra mile to help your emotions to be happier and more stable.

Yes. Your real parents want you.

Yes, your kid wants you as a parent although they have had a whole life and are 3 years old or 30 years old.

It skips alot of unknown... Do they wanna know me? Yes you're adopted, of course they do.

Do they wanna see me? Do they want to hug me? Yes, of course they do. You're adopted.

So i help this helps you all understand the term adopted in dna4u better and helps you understand even if you don't go that extra mile, because you don't think about it -- they're still okay and they're still happier than they were before. Just because you're there.

If you're the kid. I promise. Us parents are way happier, too. Although were super worried. But great communication is key to a long and successful relationship built on love.

So many of us didn't know, and never would had guessed and we have anger, but its the thieves to be the recipient of that hate, and sometimes its best yo let go of it and just love one another -- the people that deserve the love.

Good luck and god speed.

*only 3% total of original humans have had their genetic material stolen. In the 1960s they did 20 per couple. In 1977 they went down to 5 then in the 1986 up to ten per couple. So if you were born in 1961 to 1976 you may have up to 20 kids out there. From 1977 to current it may be 10.

I have 71. From adult to 12 years of age. The oldest is 60. From 1947. She quit having birthdays at age 60. Reincarnation.

So possibly you may have some from other lives. So you may have more but they are limited. It was stopped commercially in 1971. Then babies were sold illegally since until 2012 for mostly only white women. They became too fearful as i had ordered all my own eggs destroyed in 2009, although they weren't using them. But they still did men as it was easier to drug and jack them off into a cup

...and East Ethiopia and West Nigeria, South Central America, Johannesburg located in East Africa and several parts of Southern America and many parts of East Africa it was allowed by the governments to still steal eggs and genetic material from both men and women without their knowledge.

So Michael Jackson has over 3,000 that he created with his own knowledge to use for working for free labor in factories in southern Florida. With eggs donated to his fertility clinic. They were used illegally.

I have three with his body guard, decoy that was used in the early 90s and is photographed with Lisa Marie. And 2 have met me and they're doing well as far as I can see. One did not want anything to do with me at that time, the other did. Unfortunately my home was too unsafe for her. I have not seen them in awhile but they're all beautiful. One is missing. She was put into human trafficking and now has her own home and isn't doing as fine as she should be. So I have 2 girls and one boy who is actually in the middle.

Then I have two other famous children on tv which I did know about previously. The parents thought they were infertile and so Jesse said he knew a good fertility specialist and implanted twins of my eggs, mixed with his sperm. They're beautiful and sweet. Their parents are lovely people for the most part. High maintenance but they're alright. They really do care deeply about the kids as well as themselves. And they educate the kids and they're all kind and loving and sweet.

I have 71. And i know they all must be absolutely amazing and i hope to meet them all soon. They don't have to accept me. But if they do its good, if not, that's also good. As long as they love themselves and their own families then it's good. But i certainly hope they all love themselves.

I dont care if their famous or rich or quiet librarians or party or like to sit home with their cats, no matter what they do - as long as they love each other and themselves. That they have love and know what happiness is and can feel some form of it often.

I make my choices and sometimes people make choices for me. To understand the difference is what is important in the ability to accept reality. In order to understand why they're treated differently than another child that i have had contact with.

I'm sorry our lives are the way they are. I'm doing the best i can and i know the best isn't always good enough nor will it ever be. But that i know i must accept and continue to be myself and do all i can do.

And that is what I hope my children do as well.

Even if it doesn't feel good enough... At least it is good.

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ash-nico · 4 years

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Quite honestly I used to LOVE tumblr. For years now my primary engagement with people online has been through fandom and tumblr was a great place for that. Its such a unique platform without all these ads and activity tracking and I loved it. I could just enjoy content of any and all types.

Not to mention all the sex workers of various shapes, colors, and sizes on this platform. Do you know how hard it is to find porn of trans people that isn't fetish fuel or just straight up offensive? Its like finding a fucking unicorn. And tumblr had so MUCH trans porn and I loved it. I loved seeing people like me in sexual situations without catering to cis straight men. And now its fucking gone. Yes I know it still exists, people have onlyfans and whatever other methods they use to get their content out there but it was just so much more accessible and easy to find on tumblr.

And the porn? Wow, legitimately one of the best parts of this site. So many sites are trying to be child friendly and that's not a bad thing but I'm an adult who wants to talk about adult topics and there are frankly not many safe places on the internet where you can do that. And again, bringing fandom into this, there arent many places that allow for nsfw fandom content and it was really nice to see all the different types of "questionable" content that people create. Dont you dare try and devalue someones art just because it's nsfw.

Theres no point to this, im just shouting my thoughts into the void, but i miss old tumblr. Twitter is great, theres a lot of great people, and honestly its helping me to understand and unlearn a lot of the toxic bullshit I learned on this site as a teenager. But tumblr was just such a unique and freeing experience and it just makes me really sad to lose that.

#by me

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numou · 6 years

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my first day has.......tbh not gone lol well so far and i still have like 2 hours to go lol. uh lms if u read this ig.

well i forgot my keys so i couldnt get into the dorms where im working today, so i try and find the person who trained me yesterday who i Assume is my manager and she isnt at th desk she has a shift at from 6-8 am so i like. sit there waiting to see if shell come back and she doesnt so i start walking back to the dorm to see if i can just wait till someone fucking shows up and im texting her this entire time and she finally answers and like i apologized twice which was prob too much but i cant help it its a shitty reflect of mine due to trauma but i finally get in (not to mention i find out 2 minutes before my shift starts that im being switched to a different desk so like jjgjdgjdjg glad i talked to her ig) bc i called the CA which tbh i shouldve done in the first place but i was panicking so OF COURSE stupid me didnt think of that!!

so i get in and the girl who is at the front desk gets a call and tells me she was told i need to forward a package and i was like uhh what? i was told yesterday we dont do that.. but i try to find the package almost to no avail when i figure out the number on the note is wrong so i Find the package but im like how the Fuck do i forward this.. so i ask her if she knows if we even do that and She doesnt know so im like ugh ok (not to her) ill call my manager so i do, and she doesnt asnwer!! even tho she said thats her preferred way of contact (she was prob busy but idk i was nervous lol and i feel like a jackass when i call someone when they prob cant answer the phone bc like kjgshdg idk).

so she texts me and i ask abt forwarding and am like “didn’t you say yesterday we don’t do that? or did i miss something” and idk maybe that was worded rude but maybe i did miss her saying something!! but she confirms we Dont so i tell the girl @ the front desk

anyways i have so many questions, especially since i still have no access to the staff portal which i guess takes anywhere from 24 hours to 1 week (which i was told by HR) but i turned everything in the MINUTE i could so like. im just waiting.

i know this is probably my anxiety talking but im just so amped up rn with jitters bc i hate that i have Already fucked up in forgetting my keys and cant seem to figure out simple fucking problems and cant trust my memory due to gaslighting from the past but its not like i cn tell my boss “im 99% sure about this but due to trauma, i am unable to trust my memory so im gonna ask u a billion questions!!”

im also anxious i bothered her bc i Always feel like a bother when asking questions due to the fact that me asking a lot of questions frustrates my mom a bit and ive had a Plethora of teachers in the past literally YELL at me during class for asking too many questions so i have Kinda got into the habit of just. dying

anyways. im so fucking tired and sad now. i mean im not tired bc the combination of adderall and anxiety woke me up at 4 fucking am wide awake feeling sick as HELL so. one good thing about these meds thus far is it does help me get up in the morning which was near impossible before.

#.txt #id prefer u not like this unless u read it (that can include skimming) just bc like. idk. if u cant like smth u can reply w like an emoji or #w.e idk but yea. thank u for reading if u do sorry its so long and annoying

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lizzizzie-blog · 7 years

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Remember that time when society made you think you were straight?

So, it’s been more than a month since I posted anything. As my 30th birthday looms (3 days and counting), I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about who I am. I’ve been reflecting nostalgically on my youth (i.e., listening to early 2000′s emo). I’ve had so many threads of ideas for post topics floating around my brain, and I’ve wanted to sit down and get into all of them, but... I’ve been utterly stuck on this one idea, and I’ve been stalling. I’ve been going back and forth in my head over whether it’s important enough to write about this. Questioning the validity of something I know to be true about me.

I’m afraid to say (write) these things. I’m afraid that people won’t understand. That’s one reason not to write this. Also, this feels self-indulgent. Nobody asked. I’m not sure anybody cares. I feel silly shouting “me too!” when friends of mine have been out - have had to be out - for years now. It’s moot as far as others are because I’m married. I've already “settled down,” so why does it matter? Those are additional reasons not to write this. But, it does matter.

Because I’ve learned that research shows learning the story of someone who’s a member of an oppressed group can help change people’s minds. And I know that sometimes people change their minds when they realize someone they know is LGBTetc. And maybe I can be that person.

Because bi erasure is real and harmful and I don’t want to implicitly contribute to it.

Because it’s not fair that, because I am married to a man, I shouldn’t have to be open about my sexuality as a prerequisite to living my authentic life, when so many LGBTetc people that I love don’t have that option.

Because every moment that passes that I don’t share this, I feel less authentic. And it hurts to be inauthentic.

Because self-love and self-acceptance are my main goals for my 30th year.

Because maybe I can help young people.

Because it’s true. (And the truth is always a gift).

Those are all my reasons to write this. And today they outweigh the reasons not to.

In early December of 2016, I went out with some girlfriends. We ended up huddled around somebody’s kitchen island, wine tipsy, chatty, giggly… all wearing incredibly immature “ugly Christmas sweaters.” I had a warm glowy feeling going. We were discussing our husbands when the conversation took a stereotypical turn in the “men - can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em” direction, and then we were on the subject of kissing women. Someone said, “I could definitely kiss a girl,” to which I shrugged “I mean, course!” in agreement. Then they qualified with, “but that’s probably it - I could never go down on a girl,” to which the rest of the girls agreed with varying degrees of enthusiasm. I shrugged and let the subject naturally change. This is the most recent in a series of conversations throughout my life, where I’ve found myself realizing that the way I feel is not the way the majority of straight women I know feel. This was the first time I noticed it in real time, though, rather than in hindsight.

It’s taken the better part of 30 years, and the happy accident of discovering Skam - and the incredible Skam fandom (Skam Fam - more on that later) - but I am finally in a place where I consciously know what I am: bisexual. Or possibly-probably pansexual. I’m not sure. Labels are tricky, as we’ve discussed. Anyway...

Growing up godless, I didn’t have any religiously rooted shame to overcome. I’ve always been emphatically pro-LGBT rights, ever since learning the meaning of the word “gay” and the concept of “same-sex marriage.” That’s always felt intensely personal to me. I’ve always felt a connection to LGBT stories in (pop) culture. They’re always the stories I latch onto and obsess over. I’ve always felt attracted to girls/women. I’ve always flirted with boys/men and girls/women, and I’ve always meant it. And yet… somehow, at the same time, I had no idea that meant I wasn’t straight. I didn’t know that what I was feeling for girls and women was different from what my straight friends were feeling. I assumed that everyone must be feeling what I was feeling, and since I was attracted to boys and men, too, I ignored that part of me. I received no messages that it was a valid option, and so I didn’t even consider it. I had trouble distinguishing between friendship feelings and romantic/sexual feelings, with girls and boys, so the confusing jumbled mess all felt normal to me. I dated boys by default, and nobody ever really asked, so I never really thought much about it.

When I was 18 and 19, I did the stereotypical “drunkenly make out with other girls at parties to get guys’ attention” thing. Only, it was mostly just one girl. And I’ve never been an attention-seeker. Looking back, I just really enjoyed making out with my best friend. And so I was happy to play along with the default narrative. ...I didn’t understand any of this at the time.

During the summer before my senior year of college, I developed real - or at least closer to conscious - feelings for a girl for the first time. We met working a nerdy biology summer job together. I knew I thought she was beautiful and elegant and stylish. I knew I thought she was smart and funny. I knew I thought she was incredibly pretentious and kind of irritating, and my straight male roommate who also worked with us couldn’t really stand her. I knew that, objectively, she was not someone I’d be expected to befriend. I knew I couldn’t get enough of her anyway. I knew that when we roomed together at a hotel during a work trip, I enjoyed the intimacy of it more than she did. And I knew that when we each slipped pantless into the sheets of our respective beds, and talked until the middle of the night, I felt fizzy. I knew that she annoyed the shit out of me, but I missed her when we were apart. I knew all these things, and yet at the same time, I didn’t totally know why I felt all these things. I chalked it up to quick, intense friendship. I didn’t think much about it, because we both had boyfriends at the time. (Not to mention, I was also developing an increasingly flirtatious texting relationship with her male roommate, and harboring a secret identify as my university’s mascot. I had a lot going on at the time.)

The summer ended and I didn’t see her any longer. I broke up with the boyfriend and jumped quickly into a circumstantially intense relationship with a new guy. My year as a mascot, my senior year of college, was a total whirlwind of mascotting and one incredibly unexpected, devastating, formative experience that I shared with the new guy (a topic for another time). The point is, I had no time for self-reflection with regard to sexuality.

Fast forward to the following fall, I met and fell in love with my now husband, quickly and completely. I was 22. Since then, I haven’t really had much cause to consider or think about my sexual and romantic orientations. Fast forward to age 29, and here I am.

I’ve never been particularly secretive about my crushes and attraction to women. I talk about my crushes on women with my husband, my gay girl friends, and my guy friends regularly. It’s something I’ve never felt any shame about. Shame is not what’s taken me so long to get to this point. It’s repression. It’s socialization. It’s a lack of representation in the media. I assumed I was straight, that my feelings for women were “phases,” outliers in my otherwise straight existence, just like everyone else had, because that’s the default option. Sexuality is fluid, and experimentation is totally normal, but eventually most people choose a “side.” That’s the story we’re told.

My story picks up in late December of 2016, a few weeks after the “I could never go down on a girl” incident during which I’d clammed up (and no one noticed). I was sick with the flu over the holidays. I was looking for something to distract me from my nausea and my incapability to spend time with family in my gross state, and I discovered Skam. In a matter of days, I binged through all three seasons, and it became my favorite show ever. I became more attached to fictional characters than I’ve ever been (which is saying something for those of you who know my heart). The show’s target audience is Norwegian teenagers, but its themes of self-acceptance, internalized homophobia, mental illness, feminism, and friendship (plus many more) are universal. The most recent season follows the story of closeted Isak, who meets and falls in love with a bisexual (presumably), bipolar Even. As they learn to love and accept one another, they learn to love and accept themselves. It’s a portrayal of a realistic, soft, healthy relationship between Isak and Even. It’s something I’ve never seen before, and it was so... refreshing, clarifying, to see. It is incredibly realistic, beautiful, and moving, and it touched me. I became obsessed with this show and these boys.

As a total fangirl, I needed an outlet for this new love. Unsurprisingly, I couldn’t convince any of my IRL friends/family to watch a Norwegian show about teenagers accessible only through fan-made subtitled files on Google Drive. My husband got tired of me blathering on about the amazing editing, clever and moving soundtrack choices, and witty, subversive dialogue. So, I took to the internet. I found my way into the fandom on Tumblr. I met a bunch of young, gay (a catch-all term) as hell Skam fans, and I began talking to them. Each new person I met, I felt immediately connected to them. I felt at home among this group. They are incredibly kind and accepting. They are so far ahead of where I was at their age, in terms of knowing and accepting who they are. It makes me so proud and thrilled for them, and so glad they have each other. And at the same time, it makes me sad for myself when I was their age, and jealous that I didn’t have a similar outlet.

In the last few months, I’ve learned so much from Skam and them. I’ve made impactful, real friendships with people all over the world. They feel like my people, and I’ve come to realize, it’s because they are. Their struggles, and their futures, are a big part of the reason I feel compelled to put this out there.

So, here I am. Validating myself. Accepting myself. Taking my own advice - that I don’t have to be able to explain this to people who won’t understand in order for it to be true. I am Not Straight in 2017. I am Not Straight at age 30. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Then again, it really does matter.

#turning 30 #self-love #self-acceptance #sexuality #identity

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isisaacdead · 7 years

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Afterbirth + is out!

DISCLAIMER 1: i have this post set to auto update at Jan 3rd 12pm pst, our goal launch time for Afterbirth+. there is a chance the game may not be for sale for another hour or 2.. just wait it out and it will appear :)

Afterbirth+ is now out on steam!

http://store.steampowered.com/app/570660/

youtube

-You will need the Afterbirth expansion to play it.

-If you own Afterbirth, AB+ will be discounted to $6.66 till the 10th of jan.

-AB+ is an expansion to The Binding of Isaac that adds new items, enemies, unlockables, achievements, endings and a new playable character as well as full access to mod tools and user made mods.

-AB+ is coming to consoles in spring this year.

GET IT NOW!

DISCLAIMER 2: like any launch there is a good chance that we missed some bugs and players may experience some issues that our testers might have missed. the team will be working hard for the week of launch on fixing all major bugs or other issues. i also reserve the right to nerf! (but only if said item is very easily exploited). all other updates will happen when monthly booster packs go live.

be gentle! we are doing our best here.

xoxo

-eggy

Afterbirth+ will close the book on a 5 year journey that started out as a 3 month flash project i made with a friend (florian himsl) for fun. we had no real intentions to sell it, it was originally going to just be a sponsored flash game due to the fact i was worried people wouldn't be that into it, and we only spent a few months on it.

i never had any idea Isaac would become what it has, this little monster has consumed my brain for what feels like a lifetime and im at a point now where i can be happy with officially finishing the story and calling the Isaac project done.

but as sad as that may sound to some, this is really just the start of things to come. AB+ started as just a mini DLC of mod tools, but slowly ballooned into another game expansion with a bunch more added content... but still at its core the whole point of AB+ was to hand the game off to the community, who at this point knows the game better than i do.

this new year will be a changing of the guard so to speak, we will be giving over Isaac future to the fans and supporting the mod community as much as possible.

this year will be a year of the monthly “Booster pack”!

as you may have assumed, using mods wont allow for you to unlock new game content / get achievements. but we have come up with a way to bring the best mod content officially into the game via mini monthly updates to AB+ or “booster packs”.

(ill probably also join in the fun a little.. honestly i came up with a few neat item ideas during the last week of crunch that i need to see in game.. so maybe this whole “letting go” thing is a lie!)

so all you out there will get to experience a year of free user made content officially added, and all you modders will get a chance brag to the internet about your amazing design skills and unlock the biggest and most sought after achievement in Isaac to date, the “MY WORK IS OFFICIALLY IN ISAAC” achievement!

SO YOU WANT YOUR MOD OFFICIALLY IN THE GAME!?

so when making mods you can honestly do whatever the hell you wanna do, so dont let this post sway you from making a totally nutty mod with guns and Jesus and copy-written material that will put you in jail! but the following is a list of basic guidelines when it comes to content im looking for to be added in this years monthly “booster packs”.

Items-

theme tips:

this can be a difficult one due to the fact that most of the items in Isaac are based on personal items/themes from my own childhood but the best way to stay on theme when it comes to items visual design is to stick with these simple and effective Isaac tropes.

-gross items (bodily functions / liquids / solids / wounds)

-christian items (artifacts / rituals / etc)

-pagan / satanic / occultic items (artifacts / rituals / etc)

and the minor Isaac themes like fetal development, disease, dnd and general 80s nerd bullshit.

design tips:

Isaac has a few hard archetypes when it comes to items, its best to design around these specific groups.

-HP driven items: (items that use life as resource / contact damage stuff / items that like it when you take damage)

-Defensive items: (items that protect you / raise your hp / reduce damage)

-Tear mods: (items that change your tear behavior / add status effects)

-Resource based items: (items that effects pickups / generate things / use your resources in different ways / affecting shops)

-High risk reward items: (stuff like bobs brain / curse of the tower / cursed eye) (people may not like them but items like these are important too!)

-Mod items: (items that affect usable items / familiars / angel,devil rooms / shops / etc)

-Trinkets: (items that passively mod behind the scenes %s, effects and support a range of archetypes)

-Wild cards: (items that dont fit into an archetype but do interesting things none the less)

Enemies/Bosses-

im specifically looking for enemies that will be added as alts to existing ones. this makes them a lot easier to add so we dont need to include 100+ rooms specifically for each of them. they dont need to be like the enemy they are an alt of, but should roughly fit the theme/difficulty of said enemy you are making an alt for.

theme tips:

most of you should know these themes by now.

-most enemies should resemble Isaac in some minor way

-stick to Edmunds 6 Ds of Isaac visual enemy design: decaying, demonic, dead, dying, diseased and decapitated!

- again minor themes of fetal development, insects (decomposers) and body horror in general are always accepted!

design tips:

also im sure there are more than a few zelda enemies i missed out there.. just copy those! :\

Challenges-

it would be great to add a new challenge every month this year.. but they gotta be good!

challenges should force the place to finish the game in a unique / interesting / challenging way that you aren’t usually used to. theme doesn't matter as much on these, as long as the design is fun or new id be more than happy to add as many as we can over the year.

Misc-

im sure there are things out there we somehow missed that we can officially support. out of the box stuff, whatever works as long as it fits the theme and is a solid design im more than happy to consider it.

the best way for me to see your designs is to simply tweet me a gif or video of your mod in action, be specific though dont send me like 20 items or 15 enemies, just send me one of each that you feel is the best, then wait a month to send more.

the reddit page is also a great place to showcase your mods as well as get feedback and maybe even sync up with an artist or programmer you can partner with (romance?).

anyway i hope this was helpful, its a bit hamfisted but as the months roll by im sure we will find a smooth way to exchange ideas and ill keep updating the blog with new info as the year unfolds.

so enjoy the launch, dig into the new content and have fun unlocking all the new bits and pieces we added over the year. Tyrone will be doing a post in a week or so that will go more into mod details and ill do what i can to link any fan made mod tutorials here.

im honestly very excited to see where you guys take this!

#binding of isaac #mod #isaac #tboi #afterbirth #afterbirth+#ab+#rebirth #this post is long and has no images... balls

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mamonthemoon · 5 years

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So about the 5 of CUPS. I am getting in touch with writing and music and art and so happy to have access to a computer to do these things. I could not flow like this, as I wanted, at my pace, on my phone. It is SO great to have a computer again. I am blessed, I am thankful. I am so happy, today I logged into Soundcloud to find Jan and Taylor collab and made music and it just touched my heart and made me so happy. Also talkin and chillin beside dont know her name but shes a Leo, I could tell she was more on point and driven and aware the first time i saw her come into the cafeteria one night. Not like the others. A good thing. She is having some struggles with people evidently, being different, and them talking about her business, ay dont worry about it their petty basic losers. Bitches. I also got a nice comment 6 months ago on a track I did, “perfection” - how nice. I wish I had been able to make music and tracks through these past few years... I felt trapped, unable to express and create.. So I just sat in my car and sang... Ive been without a computer for the past 5 years WOW! I set out to evolve- to break my internet addiction, I wanted to be in real life, and not in my own little bubble, I wanted to be aware and grounded and discipline myself. Well, I sure do appreciate this computer access now, and the internet, and everyone’s creativity and the era we’re in is so beautiful in that way, considering how awful the fucking world is! Like all these churches are you for real? and all these heathens that lie cheat steal? Crazy! War... Hate.. Rape.... Oppression.. Slavery.. Injustice... Women under men............ all this.... I was shielded from for most my life, ignorant and dumb and aloof. Its better that way!!! I sought to understand though... big mistake!!!! Understand I have..... Damn. Shoulda asked and prayed for good things! Not something like understanding! Wow dont do that unless you want to go through heaven and hell and everything in between, chaos, mundane, and the unseen. So much... Off on a tangent again.... Point is... I am EMBRACING the 5 of cups. I literally stand like that.... I stood like that figure today, on the hill across the empty basin up the hill where I walk to be with nature, the little bit that is there, amongst the trash and brush. I asked Jesus to heal my heart if he exists, and told him he knows I have lived like him, at least more than pretty much most people, and that hey maybe I havent, and I dont know, obviously Im doing something wrong. I cried, because my heart needed me to, my body needed me to. And it felt good to, with the wind, or fresh air, far away from the building and people. I cried and spoke to Ayla. I feel I will be with her in one year. I am saddened by our seperation and how long it is taking, and I want her to know she is SO loved. In fact, it is the only reason I live. I typed love.... and perhaps that is the correct sentence here. Ayla is the only reason I love. It is true. I never loved before her. I never loved until I became a mother. And I loved everyone with that love, too. Mostly her of course, an overwhelming neverending supply of love, JUST LIKE THE SUN. Ayla is Jesus. And so am I, as a result of loving her and giving my all to her like I have. PURE LOVE. I prayed for it and I got it. It was so painful, before and after, her. But she is Joy. She is grace. She is everything. She is my teacher. She is SO beautiful. And I cant stand to see her cry without crying. That image is burned in my brain. I was happy at the moment, starting my new life with psycho, briefly, he was treating me well. I was putting in work to make that nasty house a home. I was loving again, and being reciprocated in that love and affection. BUT NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU. AYLA RAY. I mourn for that I have been unable to accomplish housing you and me. I have been unable to attain a living situation. And it is SO frustrating. I believe things can get better. I believe in me. I believe in my strength and perseverence, and I trust my intuition. I have been working very hard to be strong. I have worked very hard to be sober. Worked to be creative. Worked to be spiritually sound. Worked to have greater understanding. And I have been getting feedback from the people who work here and run this place, as well as doctor and social worker type person at the Internal Medicine Clinic today, positive feedback and thanks for sharing my experience, and told that I am wise and have a greater understanding, etc. It didnt even feel good to receive the praise, I was too busy extracting what I had to say, and it is exhausting and frustrating because the pain stays inside me, and all I have to do is wait. and wait. and wait. but its okay. I am happy. I have a place to be, I have some people to talk to, and we talk and then all wander away, its perfect. I have had hard times and been very frustrated but through it all I am grateful and see the silver lining for sure. I am not dwelling on the past, on the wrongs I was wronged recently. Im used to it!!!!!! I accept it. My car was on its way out, and Ive never been in a good living situation anyway. The way Ive lived, being in this homeless shelter really isnt that hard. Except that my body doesnt appreciate the shit food and eating meat, and I have to be careful about my sugar intake. I feel awful after I eat. I will be so relieved and at ease when I can smoke mari again. I hate eating. Yet, Im always hungry now it seems. My weight is 115. Im on track, perfect weight. Just my body doesnt feel good due to my nervous system. And these people dont want to prescribe me Ativan. Im pretty sure the song Jan and Taylor did, the lyrics talked about the generic name for it.. loradiazepine, or something. Ill have to check. The song was titled “Giving up on a Friend”. It was beautifully prosed and poised. Truly impressive. So happy inside. I have really been sad for all my creative lovely friends that died...... drugs, lack of love... parents being not what they needed to be...... crazy, we came from a good area... but.. moreso than in the hood.. i feel like everyone be so isolated. anyway. it made me happy, to stand with those 2 cups left standing.... so many died and spilled... those cups.... what a beautiful world, to hold my Tiffany, Kyle, Des.... they were beautiful sensitive souls and im so sorry this world was so cold! im so sorry i couldnt express and shower them with the love they deserved.. i dont regret or blame myself anymore, because i didnt have the capacity to love... until i had Ayla. So forgiveness is there. I needed THEIR love. Their creativity and spirit lit me up when i was dark and grey. No one knew how much each other struggled... its so sad. But I remember how happy I felt being at the community house as i called it.... the boys and their shenanigans....... I also watched young No doubt and Gwen Stefani.. how beautiful... I cant believe I never watched the music videos when I was younger I loved her! She inspired me so much... so different... I guess she was to me, what Billie Eilish is to Imani. I want to write a letter to Imani. I love and miss her. She is truly ahead of her time. I cant wait til I can get some money and send her a letter. Im gonna have to go on googlemaps and find their house so I can know the address cuz I dont remember or rather, never logged into my brain, the house numbers. I would totally adopt Imani. It makes me sad the things I cant do because of money. What I can do, is be there for them in other ways. In the spirit ways, creative, being aware paying attention to them, telling them how beautiful and wonderful they are. It made me sad how depressed and angry I was, Imani got to hear me straight up raw bitching... but I belive it truly helped her transition with her dad, and know that shes not alone, and that I see what he does and hate it, and that I have problems with my dad too. And that her dad is a bastard who doesnt support her dreams and creativity as much as he should, because he had to repress it in himself. And that you have to hold onto your creativity, no ones going to help you, basically. I have to reiterate that. She is truly passionate and creative and wise and mature way beyond her years. I know she gets love from all around, family and friends, Im really hoping my absence hasnt left a dent in her life or heart, truly, sometimes.... sometimes you know, I wish someone will miss me or realize the hole thats left by my absence.. but I dont wish that on her. I want her to be happy and good. For real. But as for my daughter.... I cant say I am okay with her being happy without me. I have struggled with the selfishness of that. I WANT her to be taken care of and happy.... I even thanked the women who replaced me, for being in her life, glad she had females but come to find out Oriana bitch.. fucking slapped her... and THATS why fucker wouldnt let me talk to her and dicked me around whil eim busting my ass trying to work my shit pay cooking jobs but hold Ayla top priority and just be left in the dust with NO control, me.. not respected. But now I have evidence in my phone from conversations with worm saying these things, if it will even matter........ its a shame this last bastard isnt going to be helping me with the law and with my daughter and case... I mean I cant really accept him into my life being that he acted how he did and talked to me and berated me after praising me like he did, like a straight up classic psycho, but ive never met a man so bipolar SHIT....... ANYWAY, maybe I can date a lawyer though..or hangout at the law library.. but i dont want to run into him. IDK what will become of this, IDK what my path is, But I am focusing on the Two upright cups, The cups still standing. The strong survive... I used to think everyone would make it til old age, except the rare car accident etc... I had NO IDEA so many people would die... so young.. every year...aiy. So I see it as survival of the fittest but its no joke. I am still struggling. Where my friends reached for drugs, partying, relief, escape... I sought to really make it for real and not get sucked into that life that I saw would drag people down. Why did I see this and they did not? Is it because I was more of a loner, less able to socialize or fit in or pretend? I dont know... I know that.... I didnt connect very well to people and was pretty much isolated more than others.... also.. sexually void.... so i did not have those intense feelings of attachment or love like others had... it would have been too much for me to handle probably but still, my life was empty and cold and dark and grey. Still is, a lot, except when I bring my conscious energy and intent alive... but subconsciously... all is not good... My moon is in the 4th house, and until my home environment is good, until i feel secured and loved and family...... I will not be well emotionally. I know this. Astrology and the occult has truly armed me with knowledge. Self knowledge, and a tool and friend if you will... guide.. mentor.. something to interact with... something to listen! to be there for me to see, what is going on....Astrology for the core personality and blueprint of what makes a person tick.. what drives them.. how they function... of course a conscious person is harder to decipher, someone who has worked on themselves, to balance out their traits i guess but anyway, people shine as they are! whether exhibiting negative qualities and not shining at all but being muddy and negative, or by being bright and vibrant and strong.. either way, it is seen. Its not evil lol. stupid man. how can you be against something you know nothing about? that is ignorance. how can you stand for something or against something if you dont even know what IT IS? Lost respect. That should be a name of a song I will write, or rather, the title of what I have already wrote. I gota speak it into a beat. Cant stay in this notebook i will inevitably throw away. It must make it off the page and into something shareable. I write too much to keep throwing it away. It all seems too basic for how deep i go, i feel i dont do myself justice i guess. but simple is good.. i am not so hard on other artists! i need to create and let go and not worry about it and just keep at it. Just like selfies take like 20 shots to get a good one.. haha. done with those. the fact remains. so, 20 tracks to create then, and bam ill have a good one worth sharing. it is cringing, to listen to some of my stuff for real, from a few years ago, but also deeply giddy satisfying like a gift from my past self, an adult, channeling my inner child, i am ridiculous, while everyone else is trying to be so serious and hard and rap. it was nice to hear real music from my friends of the past. love in my heart. 2 cups remain standing. 3 are down, indeed, much has been lost and spilled. I was contemplating today how sad it is people are appreciated after they pass. and i thought of how Kathy joshs mom said Nanny said something similar. and i think how i had a card i never sent her, with cactus on it, when i was in napa, but shit got serious and i never could send it, and then i just ended up keeping it, and i think i gave it away to salvation army in a little cheap gold frame idk? like the conflict to let go or follow through, and when somethings old and passed.. and when that energy isnt the same.... it traps me up. but honestly i dont have love for her or for any of his family anymore. i did talk of kathy today to this lady whos next to me’s son earlier when he came in and was friendly, came in again when his moms here and hes so pissy and confrontational like trying to diss me for what? you JUST came in here being nice and whatever and then like hell bent on being an asshole for why? what the hell did i do to you? whatsup with these bipolar men? you aint even a man 21 yrs old so pissy wtf... i sure hope i have better dealings with my daughter when shes a teenager. this kid is retarded anyway, making fun of a handicapped man in front of a woman he talks to.. he was happy to start talkin to me.. and this kid had to just ruin it and diss him for no reason, i wish i would have spoke up about how disrespectful that was and how he made HIMSELF look bad and lost respect for HIMSELF. but i was on vistaril, and the thoughts were there but not the execution. thats why i dont like drugs. plus i couldnt sleep and it made me stuffy in my throat and neck and lymph system aiy im not having it leave my body alone with this shit! youre not pushing this shit on me i will be heard! its a struggle!!!

but ay this kid made my body uncomfortable, stress response with his petty bullshit like damn wtf? gtfo. teenagers for real need to go on a rite of passage, like in the old days. it is NOT RIGHT to have them around!! i truly TRULY believe that! its not healthy for anyone involved!! let them go... let them spread their wings and fly.. let them run into a tree.. let them feel that pain against the night sky, alone, and figure out what to do all by their damn selves! they want to. theyd prefer it. no teenager wants to be trapped. why do we work against nature? can we do something about this? what can we do? what social structure can we put in place to make these wrongs right? I mean, the army is the only way for a young boy or girl to go off on their own? or college- but how appealing is that for a lot of kids, after 15 years of the school system FOR REAL WTF!

I stand for a better world, thats what I stand for. I have incredible morals and ideals, as my venus in sagittarius would suggest. in the 3rd house.. communication, short distance travel, siblings... thats what that house rules, i cant remember what else. I feel that brotherhood sisterhood of humanity... HUMAN KIND... BE A KIND HUMAN.. like that shirt i saw someone post on tumblr yesterday! SO CUTE! I need that shirt! Id buy it if i had money! HUMANKIND. perfect. yes i am a humanitarian and i love specifically, FIRE it is FIRE with which I LOVE !! SPECIFICALLY higher ideals, higher learning.... long distance travel/exploration/being carefree and adventurous... DIVA, its said, also. yes. I do seek to bring humanity what I have learned. What I have worked so hard to acquire.. understanding.. better ways.. “alternative” methods... theres so many people suffering, people who want help but the help that is offered is no good.... i want to be a person that helps. i always have. but i have assessed. i have reflected over and over, the past, what i have done wrong or why things have gone wrong or bad. Its really simple when you realize. You cant help someone who doesnt want help. This is something we hear a lot. So I realized, that Ive wasted to effort or time when, there ARE people out there who would appreciate and benefit from me... i COULD be of value.... i really havent been... im just ari to these people called friends and family. a nobody truly, respected for nothing really, just appreciated for who i am and being there but its just on a shallow level like anyone could really do that, whatever i did, i feel. i dont feel appreciated by my friends and family- i dont. i truly believe this is NOT just a feeling, but reality. and i face it. and i accept it. i accept people i have loved... just dont care, and dont see my depth or care to seek it for themselves or match me in my devotion or dedication to excelling in various ways, of serving, of growing, of giving, of loving. i am tired of being alone, amongst people that supposedly care for me. Adults have only cared what i can do for them. Only children appreciate me on a level that is reciprocated, on a level that i recieve anything nurturing or feel value in interacting... i DONT... i dont find value in interacting with adults really. I still do it. I enjoy conversating. but really i could take it or leave it. i appreciate the interactions and conversations, but i really dont care at the same time. i am desperate for attention and aware of it and not seeking it, i know where i come from, i know ive been a people pleaser, i know ive lacked genuine human connection and interaction. i know this. i prefer to be a loner. i like to laugh and interact. its cool. but children are what light me up, children are what serves me, fills me up, fills my cup. So the two cups are Ayla and Imani really, if we want to be symbolic about it in that way. They are kinda like the only people I truly care for. I have shed everyone else. Even Megan. our interaction was vitally important for me, to have a friend to talk to via internet, but im done caring.... its just happened. maybe it would have happened anyway, i think it would have, but it sticks out in my mind how she said she thinks i have to let go of ayla. ill let go of you bitch. i laid my life on the line for you and she dont fully realize that even though i have told her, tried to tell her in the most humble way possible just showing my heart and what my intentions were. but really let go of my daughter? i mean i did. i DID. makes no difference. i mean, i understand though..... i remember being in Napa with my toddler Ayla and Megan struggling being sober and quitting smoking and using Lavender essential oil all the time, but first i remember how scary her situation was and how scared i was for her, i stood for her, i stood to be strong and support her, but i wont lie the situation didnt look good, and im sure thats how she and everyone else sees me. my strength or true work has not been evident. being a loser has only been evident. but i dont care, i work and work.... they are all basic to me.... i care of course, i mean i wish things coulda been different but im over it i accept what is. and im actually glad i havent been held down by taking care of a child who will ultimately be unhappy and take me for granted.. like how could i ever make it? i wouldnt be able to focus on anything. and i havent made financial career progress as much as ive needed to.. it hurts me that i should be farther along BUT IM NOT. I havent had the support Ive needed. and if i focused on my career and pushed all this aside... neglected my inner child... NOT delved into creativity.... NOT been true and real and fought to be sober when the adults will all tell me i need to be on pills or i need to do this or that.... i realize now i am a true leader... i have power and peace and presence others do not have... because they have not put the work into it.... what ive put work into is transcendental...it is invisible, mostly unrewarded work. it has real effects.. i mean i had to.. i had to find my own way... forge my own strength. How can one just listen to what others tell them to do? Be a slave? Be a slave to those who hurt me? Obey those who hurt me? Who are blind? Perpetuate this awful cycle of doing what you have to do, and have no joy and work and drink alcohol and tell the kids to go play and leave me alone for real NO hell fucking no. children are beautiful gifts. and these people here.... they do not know how to handle their children, a lot of them, its the typical shit i see everyday. like really. youre not even going to enjoy your kid? just drag them along a miserable life, filled with have to’s? wheres the joy? i wana be around joy and strength and presence and VITALITY! i want a man that cooks for real. and loves and smiles and dances, and is weird a little but also so hott. like i deserve that, no? im really waiting for that situation where i would be of value with WHO I AM and what i have worked so hard to be... this shit aint free! i aint just frollocking around being carefree like people may think, fucking around, not being serious.... I guess im Low key serious.... Low key mike.. low key.. ive thought of him. but im let it go. last time i tried to just send him love he pissed me off and the vibe i had for him changed, i wished i had just left it at appreciating him in my heart, and left out the part where i express it. yeah. shit like that be so frustrating. thats what i dont need is just shit to spoil my day however little and petty or huge and devastating. anyway i was appreciated for things, mostly for listening and being intelligent and witty and beautiful and my body and sex and my effort in cleaning and love for the doggies etc....but it wasnt enough.. he was a drain on me... like a boat with a hole in it, where i have to continuously slosh out the water coming in whilst cleaning bugs off the boat and making sure dogs dont jump off and blah im done just really wow the effort... the draining... the complete draining of my energy... how fast it can go from good to terrible and dangerous for my health..... have to build trust over time.... i will not have sex with a man until we date for awhile... ill say.. but i know this may not be true. i chalk this one up to online, really. if i met him in person, we would have not connected i truly believe that. its only because we started out text messeging, saw each others hearts, but real, NOT compatible. emotionally yes and love yes- we totally experienced what astrology has to say... if he wants to be ignorant thats his perogative, most men dont accept astrology. they think they create themselves so much ahahaha i laugh everytime i say that. they are so stupid. but not all. some believe and see it to be true or to have merit. I sure ventured off from topic of 5 of cups... or did I? its all related. its a ramble. im flowing. man i wish i could relax though. time to hum. man i wish there was good food to eat. nourishing soup. please. PLEASE LORD feed me some good food that will do me good. i need soup so bad. I am totally finding a restaraunt tomorrow and demanding i do dishes or something, in exchange for some soup. I just wonder whats around besides fast food places. Ill have to take the bus probably. I need good food. I feel like I am dying. I dont get the right medicine, the right food..... i just have to be thankful for what i do got. im poor, money wise.. health wise i am also poor majority of the day.. its awful i really hope this changes soon its hard.... im gona lay down.. but its already been 5 hours since ive eaten dinner... i do have crackers... processed crap.. hopefully my body likes it.. man i havent had fruit in HOW LONG. or yogurt. i need yogurt.

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lumpinmythroat · 5 years

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i dont really want to post anything, but i cant focus on what i should be working on so im hoping venting or whatever will help me clear my mind and focus better.

im so bad at letting myself just live. even now, before starting this sentence, i had to pause because i felt like i should make a decision of whether to just type a stream of unfiltered thoughts or whether i should try to paint a timeline of life lately in some kind of attempt to both be able to recall my state of mind & better remember events in general. i guess this a mix between the two. im so fucking sad. its so dumb writing it out. but all the sources say its better to express rather than repress. they dont specify the difference between telling an actual human or just kind of shouting it into the void however, so for all i know this doesnt really help me.

very close friend of mine had sex. i think he was trying to help me while helping himself? i dont know. i fully regret it. naturally im left thinking about it while he just kind of lives his life and does whatever he wants. i guess i have a type after all. saw the ex at a concert. had a good feeling he’d be there but really hoped he wouldnt. i dont know if its selfish or not, but i really wish he wouldve just let me have that. hes seen the band he was interested in no less than five times. we didnt speak. im not even positive he saw me. but its enough to fuck me up on top of always thinking of him anyway. i wish i better understood the psychology of what attracted me to him in the first place. its so conflicting feeling so sure ive never felt true love beforehand while also reflecting on how much he hurt me and how early on all the warning signs were. its even worse thinking of how sure i am hes not thinking of me at all. the family car is finally totally dead. transmission. as far as im concerned my literal heroin addict brother had done most damage using it for scraping heavy loads to feed his addiction. i dont know. complaining about the details doesnt change anything. i know it was wrong for him to have continued access to the car while contributing nothing but it doesnt change the fact that i have no idea how to get to work. ive already missed the past week. no one cares. only one person has tried to help and i dont even feel comfortable accepting it because none of my friendships or relationships are just fucking normal or whatever. i didnt even want this job. i never wanted any of this. i just wanted better and instead everything feels genuinely worse. im trying so hard to be so baseline normal functioning adult but it only ever seems to emphasis to me how other i feel from everyone else. it doesnt help when my friends emphasis it unknowingly. i know i need professional help; it just seems unrealistic. if i can hardly get to work and respond to people, how can i find a way to even get to a therapist, much less figure out what my options are, assuming i even have any. the handful of times i have tried reaching out to healthcare providers or whatever, ive ended up at dead ends. the system seems so broken that any attempt generally left me feeling more helpless. its so confusing. im aware of plenty of people that figure out how to take advantage of the system for prescription drugs. i dont really feel any better and i still need to at minimum get a basic template of this business card together. it only became abundtanly clear a couple days ago how much this other friend of mine was literally like, looking for work for me. im not even sure what i thought it was before, but i have so many conflicting feelings about it. i hate the idea of people worrying about me. i feel no better and really need to try to get shit done since im supposed to go out to dinner tonight at my sisters mother in law. rly dont want to. her birthday. very little in life feels like an actual option. SPINEE - FUTURE FAST MOVING ROYAL DOG will get me through.

#sigh #sadboyploy

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ellipses-dots-blog · 7 years

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I know Im dramatic and I don't expect anyone to read all of this but lately I've just been so uninspired and lethargic. I was in such a good place in my life last year and now I'm kinda just at a stump. I've also been getting anxiety and I haven't in while so yay. 🙄 but anywho, like I said I've been really uninspired, and I've been wanting to literally change everything. And because of that, I've been really indecisive. I have just been complete want to redo myself. Just as a person. Redo everything. I've wanted to be in a happier place. and since I haven't been, I figured, change everything, meaning changing not being happy, which means being happy. And like I want to redo my look 100%. To hopefully help me forget and block our the "bad parts" of my life. And I know that sounds really selfish for me to say, because there are people out there who have it so much worse than me. And I am definitely thankful that I am physically healthy and whatnot. But my anxiety has just been through the roof lately. And if something tiny -happy, sad, infuriating- happens I cry, but if something major happens, I don't do anything and just become a ball of emotions. And I've tried to force myself to cry because I don't want this to be major, but unfortunately it is major. And I think my combination of emotions just got like a million times worse when my dog got sick. That put me in a panick attack. And it showed my who I could rely on based off of who reached out and helped my mentality. And quite frankly, I know now he doesn't have anything major, but I'm still scared. And I'm also getting worried about high school even though that's like a year away and like if I'll be good enough for tennis tryouts but I also want to try out for cheer and dance cuz I also love those things too. But I also know colleges like sports better and I'm most likely not gonna make the cheer team for college and there's no dance team in college. And with my friend situation, I've rediscovered a lot of old friends, but because of all of my ex new friends, I now have a lot of trust issues. And I've always kind of had wariness cuz I've never had a solid best friend/ friend group for a long time but it's even worse now. And some people may be like "it's obvious ur the problem, if uve never had a true bf for a long time" but Like no! I've given everyone everything and my all and all my time into the friendship but they all keep stabbing my back with a chef knife for reasons I have no idea why and it hurts. That's all I have to say about that. And also, me wanting to change everything and being uninspired has also come from where I'm living. I know so so so many people living in la and whenever I'm in la or anywhere near it (or even just out of the desert) I get this home- ish giddy feeling that just makes me happy. And it really sucks to know that I won't live there for a long time because it's one of my absolute favorite places. No matter how many times I go. And I just want to be there and do whatever need in la for at least a week just love there for a week. And me wanting to change everything, continues on to my look. And I've always wanted to try colored contacts, but now more so than ever. I've also only had contacts, but now i really really want to try regular glasses. And I want to redo my wardrobe and get ride of everything I don't love anymore. I want to experiment with new looks and different style and see what I really love. Or that has the slightest negative connotation with it. And going with looks: makeup. I've wanted to try out new makeup lately and that's the only thing I've actually been motivated to do. But, I don't have new makeup, so I fortunately, the only thing I'm motivated to do, is something I don't have access to. And I really just want to be a different person. Someone that no one knows or has an expectation of. Someone no one has an idea of. Again going back to my anxiety, my idea of what I have to look like has been driving my life. And I feel that I have to look a certain way. Even tho society has been saying lately that everyone's beautiful and whatnot, I pressure myself into being perfect. With my grades, my physical shape, and my mentality. And when someone (including myself) tries to take that away and say one of those things aren't perfect, it hurts me more than a regular person. And I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to exercise not in a good way. And I'm also pretty sure I have ortherxia. And OCD. And all of them put together really sucks. And I know I haven't lived a 'normal' life. Some days I feel like my mind is going a million miles an hour. Other days, there's nothing for miles in my mind. Some days I feel I'm drowning. Other days, well. I'm going to face it. I always feel like I'm drowning. Lately I've really wanted to do something on my bucket list. Which is skydiving. I really want to do it because I feel it will make feel motivated and as if I can do anything. I also really just want to go on a drive. By myself. I just want to drive my self anywhere. Take random roads and just go somewhere. I'm excited for hs in the sense that, I'm ready to be able to start over and no one will really know me all that well. A fresh start. And I'm excited to be in a regular school and be with actual people. As much as I love homeschooling, I miss having friends I could talk to everyday. Quite frankly I don't care who's reading this. Because this is what I'm feeling right now. This is raw me. And I'm just so tired of lies. So. So. Sooo tired of them. And if uve made it this far, good for u. Because this is practically a novel.

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