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the-woild-is-y-erster · 8 months

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vent sorry guys youse dont hafta read this its just my feewings<3

hey can someone convince me i'm not a failure and that i'm gonna make it through this year? because its not lookin too good rn boys

i have so much freaking homework and extracurriculars and i start sewing lessons again tomorrow and my ma's being really mean abt it and my brother is leaving for college this year or next and i'm really gonna miss him even though we haven't been really close in years and

the race i worked at this weekend? the company is owned by my best friends parents. yeah. the best friend ive been in love with for years. that best friend. and so i had to spend three days in close proximity with her trying not to cry because she has a new boyfriend every week so i know itll never happen. and then i finally learn shes single, but guess what!!!! she has a crush on like three different guys!!!!!! and she also doesn't know im ftm so being around her makes me feel bad because she only uses my deadname and pronouns so its so so much fun!!!! and we made this pact.

we promised eachother that we wouldnt kill ourselves if the other was still alive, and got eachother like promise rings and stuff and i 'proposed' with hers to her and shes just like 'omg thanks girlie!!!!🫶🫶' and i know im being super dramatic about this and that itll never happen so i should just let it go but it hurts!!!! it hurts so bad when she talks about her newest guy and i know that it shouldnt because there no reason she would ever love me back but it feels like im getting torn apart from the inside.

and im taking so so so many classes this year that any free time i have and some that i dont have is spent doing homework and its all so hard which is stupid because i should be able to do all this but i have so many freaking responsibilities this year, not including theater which is so much more stressful this year because our director is leaning heavily on me because im her only competent person and ive been with her for the past five years but the people in the class are friggin. INSANE and i dont know how to handle them

but i havent had a hug in over two months!!! i havent had friendly contact in so so long and im going insane because im a really tactile person but i never initiate because every time i do people think its weird and stop being friends with me

and im so

so lonely which is stupid but i feel like a can being squished in a trash compactor

anyway. i really appreciate you guys, and i think you folk and honestly newsies are the only thing really keepin me goin. so. like. thanks for that/gen.

#uh oh!#eel's sad again boys!#im so. tired #i havent gotten a full eight hours in.#oh god i dont even know how long.

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puppyeared · 4 months

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man

#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant #but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years #like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact #but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer #for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated #motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year #also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when #ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread #im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover #but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that #the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse #im so tired. im so tired #i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place #ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER #oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously #vent #my art #myart #doodles #covid 19

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lecliss · 27 days

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I'll never be able to take the theory that Vincent is Sephiroth's real father seriously cuz I cannot stress enough how important I think it is to the plot that Vincent wanted to fuck Lucrecia and did not get to.

#once again i jest but now i have to actually talk about it #like. okay we have no proof of any actual timeline for the dirge flashbacks other than. it was at least 30 years ago #so who knows how long they were at the manor. could have been weeks before The Incident. or months. or maybe a full year! who knows #but to me a timeline of like. they fucked and like a week later vincent found The Evidence and lucercia had her little breakdown #AND THEN EXTREMELY QUICKLY SHE AGREED TO THE EXPERIMENT AND IT COULD GO ONE OF TWO WAYS #1. she knew she was pregnant and thats why she agreed to the experiment cuz there was already a usable subject #and therefore she must have fucked hojo like a week after she fucked vincent AND THATS STUPID FAST FOR THESE EVENTS #or 2. she didnt know. agreed to the experiment. fucked hojo. and therefore thought seph was hojo's and NOT vincent's #AND BY THE WAY. i dont even actually believe hojo fucked either!!! cuz theyre both scientists so why wouldnt they think IVF was the best way #okay. well.... hojo is canonically a fucked up little freak. so. he might have taken the opportunity to... get in there.#also when did ivf even start being a thing? cuz that may play a factor into this if nomura even considered that #well either way lets just unfortunately assume hojo got in there #ITS STILL AN ODDLY FAST TIMELINE #also. fuck man doesnt lucrecia have a later line in dirge where she actually says shes in love with hojo? or something along those lines #IMPLYING ITS BEEN AWHILE SINCE SHE HAD THE FALLING OUT WITH VINCENT. YOU WOULDNT FUCK THE GUY AFTER ALL THAT SHIT #AND WHILE CLAIMING TO LOVE/CURRENTLY FALLING IN LOVE WITH HOJO!!!! LIKE CMON MAN!!!! SHE SUCKS BUT SHES NOT THAT KIND OF A MESS #i dont think vincent would fuck her until they sorted out their issues anyway and that CLEARLY didnt happen.#its VITAL that that did not happen!!!!#its just. if vincent and lucrecia fucked. everything would have had to happen EXTREMELY fast within like a 2 week timespan #and im just talking about up to when vincent learns shes partaking in the experiment. it was probably another week or two until vincent died #SO. logically it must have been like #fall in love->learn about the gimoire incident->refuse to speak to vincent->get obsessed with hojo->fall in love(?)#and then thats where i think its ambiguous on did the experiment become an idea before or after seph started to exist?#like chicken or the egg ya know. experiment idea or sephiroth zygote?#that feels fucked up to say. im so fucking sorry to seph to talk about this. yeah sorry i have to debate who fucked your mom bro #god imagine telling him that. like not even as a reveal thing cuz he knows who his father is. just like as a sick joke. your mom joke.#NO OH M Y GOD I HAVE A QUESTION NOW #in accordance to him having a photo of lucrecia in ever crisis. after he reads that jenova is an ancient (incorrect btw)#does he think that picture is still her? what about when he takes jenova's body from the lab????#oh my god 30 tag limit. FUCK. i need like a rant blog for all this vincent talk now. my brain is going a mile a minute

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floorpancakes · 9 months

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#twitter repost #i guess its probably not THAT controversial i think i just really wanted to get that off my chest #xxxholic #i guess #no but like even tho mostly the quality was incredible the fact they basically were like HAHA ASSPULL and then dipped soon after is so..#i think im even a couple chapters behind and im not even rushing to catch up on them cause it burned me so bad #also cause its clamp im like. they can and will get worse sometimes with their weird shit and i cant trust that they wont #in fact holic is a funny one cause altho im less familiar with other series i know full well holic is one of their least Messy™ ones #iykwim #obviously thats not an inherent metric but like holic is usually nonsense free but i will never stop giving clamp bombastic side eye after #parts of the og ending and MOSTLY the fakeout alt universe mystery arc turning into an irrelevant fetch quest like #how do u produce media so perfect and then do that #and its also so long past tsubaholis main writing period so its like who cares??? why now???#especially cause it was like boom hiatus #anyway thats the main reason u never catch me rereading rei much at all #like i dont have an encyclopaedic knowledge of it solely cause the twist outcome pissed me off and made me so fckin nervous for the future #also im just worried now the movies done theyll be like oh we wrote 2 chapters ajd back to hiatus good riddance!! like #I've seen the digital fear struck into the eyes of x fans i wouldnt put it past them #anyway im still excited but god damn am i nervous and fucking suspicious as hell #sigh #why cant we live in a no fakeout more interesting arc ender world where also they decided to not pull a teacher student age gap 'ship'#ship in quotes cause they obviously dont fcking love each other #but clamp is SOOOOO addicted to that trope they wanted to mess with it a little like a cat with yarn even if its non romantic #like they were like we r a thirsty flower if we dont do something problematic even as a plot contrivance with no romance we will dieeeeeeee #one day i when holic is public domain (yeah im gonna live until like 500 im so cool like that) i will release hit doumeki movie #not trying to be a hater btw they do great work but damn if those ladies dont make me nervous as hell for where this whole thing could go #or if they even wanna finish it

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dreamcast-official · 3 months

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huh.

#eli.txt #idk i think ive been slowly forgiving my sister for how deeply hurt i felt when she moved out bc now I Get It. like I Get It #when she moved out i was. 9. and in my head i thought she had left because of me. because i wasnt the easiest kid in the world and i know-#-she had a hard time dealing with me when we were alone. we're so far apart in age we couldnt connect for most of my life. and in my head #that was the reason she left home. bc of me. bc she was tired of *me.*#i know now thats not true. and i understand now why she had to leave because if she felt the way im feeling then goddamn im glad she got ou #this feeling SUCKS. nd like #yeah this probably has to do with my father's daughter and the fact that she refused to even meet me until our dad died.#it took my dad dying for my sister to even be in the same room as me. that really messed with me as a kid. like it REALLY did.#so when my sister left home i just kinda went. oh okay neither of my sisters want anything to do with me! i will be alone forever! got it!#AND I KNOW NOW THATS NOT TRUE ON EITHER OF THEIR ENDS. I DONT HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP W MY DADS DAUGHTER AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL #BUT I DONT HOLD ANYTHING AGAINST HER ANYMORE BC GOD HER MOTHER WAS AWFUL AND I GET WHY SHE DIDNT WANT TO MEET ME BC OF EVERYTHING #BUT LIKE. THAT MESSED ME UP AND I JUST STRAIGHT UP ASSUMED BOTH MY SISTERS HATED ME FOR SO LONG.#AND NOW THAT I ALSO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO LEAVE I CAN SEE SO CLEARLY. MY SISTER NEVER HATED ME I WAS NEVER THE REASON SHE LEFT.#I CAN LET GO OF HOW HURT I FELT BECAUSE I ALSO NEED TO LEAVE #god i dont wanna hurt my mom though.#dont think i could leave her completely alone in this apartment. i dont think i can do that.#anyway. hi tumblr did you like todays oversharing episode

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ittybittybumblebee · 8 days

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Not trying to armchair psychology you, just speaking from personal experience- it's really, really common to have autism, especially autism that is coupled with ADHD and OCD, be misdiagnosed as BPD for young people. This is most common with verbal autistic people who also suffer from abuse as a minor. The constant mental pressure often manifests as erratic thought and behavior, "strange" patterns of belief and groupings, and just a general feeling of feeling like you are Not The Same and don't know what's wrong but that Something is Wrong. Extreme stress for all of those problems can easily be exasperated into psychosis unfortunately, so a good approach involves being able to ground yourself with knowing how your mind is different, and that it is not broken. Whatever you find out, best of luck man.

thnx means a lot that u typed this out to me anon <3 i think ur def on the right track on what i could b dealing with but at the same time there has been a point where i was quite sure i must be autistic but felt i never had or experienced the same wide or specific and unique variety of stimming/stimulation issues like most autistics do and kindof let that thought slide a bit. because what sources i read had all listed those as being one of the important diagnostic criteria so that is what i understand.

having said that it could be my perception of how stimulation issues present themselves Personally has me feeling like i dont suffer them when i could still be affected in different ways that im not registering as possibly being That

#i did... i.. god i do remeber taking that online autism assesment test a long time ago and i was in the high range but i was like Hm #but its so very hard when theres all these comorbititys and similar symptoms to other things to truelly tell sometimes...#it can feel pretty confusing !#one thing i know with clear certanty is i have absolutly have anxiety wether removed or caused by comorbitities or not #alsogoing back to the online autism assesment test i know online tests arent reliable but how far in th hole of denial due to uncertainty o #myself do i want to dig before i just start doing things to help myself for Something #basically tldr: i take everything with a grain of salt and dont jump in untill i feel quite sure #its hard to feel quite sure when ur brain and behavior is confusing #and i feel like i dont stim.. maybe i do ! but if its anything it might be so subtle that even i dont realize what it is...#i will always still keep my mind open to it because of the individual uniqueness of any thing like that..#but the mood swings oh my god do they fit bpd #But . autism could #i Need to stop ranting on in the tags.#man #ill just let this rest for tonight and mull it over later more #lol #i could definitly go on more i always havea lot to say about my brainworks. my own analyzing . but itd go on forever #need to stop somewhere

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lockhartandlych · 8 months

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i've grown to fucking hate therapists. sometimes.

i recall it's supposed to be 50/50. the therapist has the solutions. you put them into practice.

in most cases for me it's been 85/15.

i sit there and air out my dirty laundry. i bare my soul to you. i tell you every horrible thought that bullies its way into my brain. and you give me that blank fucking look. i muse. i come up with ideas. i make the solution myself. i have no idea if it'll work. i have no idea if it's healthy. i look to you. and you just fucking stare. sometimes. maybe. you'll say "yeah, you should do that. tell me how it works out."

tell me how it works out.

im tired of fumbling in the dark. im tired of coming up with the bad solutions to my own myriad problems. im tired of coming to you when they don't work. you don't offer guidance. you don't offer advice. all you say is "too bad."

"you should look up cbt." "you should download meetup." "you should look up grounding." "you should look up this self-help book."

shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP

HALF OF THESE THESE AREN'T EVEN SOLUTIONS THESE ARE PRODUCTS. I CAME HERE FOR HELP. I CAME HERE FOR YOU TO TELL ME WHAT CBT IS, NOT FOR ME TO LOOK UP THE FUCKING WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME.

just once fucking ONCE i want someone to say... something. i don't even know what i need to hear. i need to hear something real. i need to hear something helpful. im tired of looking up the solutions to my own problems and haphazardly trying them like a kid jumping on slippery stones. is that how therapy is supposed to work? are they supposed to stare at you like that? are they meant to be a pair of eyes and ears for you to babble to?

i thought they were supposed to help you.

i thought you were supposed to help me.

there's a difference between teaching and telling someone to teach themselves. i know this. one is for strangers. but therapists aren't supposed to be strangers.

i want to be taught. i need to be taught.

i need to be talked to.

i need a shoulder to cry on.

i need a hug.

god, when was the last time i was touched?

when was the last time i hugged someone?

i need... fuck, i need sleep.

#vent post #it feels like my soul is slowly being eaten alive but i dont know by what #i want to feel something #but i want to feel it with someone #but whenever i try to cry with friends or family or even with a therapist #it's so hard #why cant i cry #god how long has it been since i properly cried #not shed a stoic tear #but a full meltdown #i. i think it's been years #oh god

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todayisafridaynight · 11 months

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Okay stream over and as such no one is safe anymore from my RGGJoposting (sorry in advance), HOWEVER I did want to say...

Of course Mine Himself At Present is the furthest thing from punk, but I believe the reason he has that belt is a nod to Nakamura, who is credited with bringing punk influences to the kabuki scene. (This particular photo was taken years after Y3, but...)

By the way, Nakamura is how I found out there's a lot of stigma against sons of kabuki actors who choose to play roles of a different gender than their fathers. He comes from an established line of onnagata, so it was a big deal for him to choose to play male roles.

Arakawa was a taishu engeki actor rather than a kabuki actor, which is less steeped in tradition than kabuki, so I don't know if it would've been the same for him doing the opposite to Nakamura. But it's Neat to think of it as a concerted choice for him in terms of feeling that strong of a connection to femininity.

oh fuck yeah punk in the kabuki world WORD UP TO THE LEGEND.....