The Slippery Slope
The slippery slope of prescription drugs with their harmful side effects can be hard to recover from.
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I havent been having blood soaked nightmares every night with the 2 anti-depressant + 1 anti-convulsant combo and I need to like print that on a poster somewhere as a daily reminder bc i already forgot how bad the nightmares used to be (bc the other sleeping problems are exhausting enough). It turns out when you silence a problem IT DOES NOT HELP YOU AT ALL and I'm so glad i actually made a post about it on a secret blog that someone occasionally likes to remind me of it so I dont give up on the meds bc like "well I'm not sleeping well anyway" but y'know at least the bloody horror dreams are only in my memories and in my waking moments now (intrusive thoughts or whatevrr theyre called), and I only have uncomfortable nightmares and not completely berserk ones
This is just a reminder to myself that I am going to schedule like once a month idk so I never try to go off my night meds (2 of the above mentioned meds). Can you believe that i went for 17 years in my life not knowing what real sleep felt like and then went another.... 9 years just accepting that I would never sleep right bc no one believed me until I finally found a person who was like "you have a very weird disorder actually, let's actually try medication"
I keep going back and forth on giving the man some chocolates from the homeland bc ~anxiety~
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Welcome to my slice of heroin induced hell
well, I wish it were heroin fueled instead, but I seem to have found myself in the worst possible place for someone who wants to self destruct and get high; my mothers house. I went to bed wanting to use, and woke up in the same mindset. I decided maybe if I remind myself how bad I was, it would help the craving go away. I really should know better by now. I opened the "reddit" app, if you want a bunch of ex drug addicts to praise you for just barely surviving the day/week/year/decade, its a great place to go. I pulled up my go to "before" picture of me in the mirror of my gross apartment bathroom. I had taken the picture about two years prior one morning after doing lines of dope all night. I wanted to see if I looked sober enough for work.. of course I did! pinned, red eyes paired with a skinny sunken face and birkins under my eyes, who would ever know!
okay enough with the sarcasm cause this shit does get dark and I like to deflect. I typed out the typical "thankful for a year sober" which is SUCH a reach. I guess my post was honest, I just left out the part where I slept with a disgusting man twice my age in the recent past. I think the worst part of it all was he didn't even force or pressure me. I completely willingly slept with this disgusting man because I was so freaking happy that he had brought me dope. I don't know why but my trauma only seems to make me want to cause myself more. 3 months ago I took alittle too much Xanax. Benzos were the only thing keeping me off opiates, and I was prescribed a small dose of klonopin so I didn't have to worry about drug screens. Well one night I took an un regulated, pressed Xanax bar and my inhibitions disappeared and were replaced by a slight floaty, happy feeling, along with slight leg cramps that always seem to come with my benzo high (has anyone else experienced this?). Everything was going okay, good even. I was high, had found a new boy/dealer to hangout with (lets call him W), and on top of it all I seemed to actually be functioning.. maybe I could just be a functional user. the ridiculousness of that statement, while apparent, will absolutely not stop me from trying. I could tell the third day when I woke up at Ws house that he was sick of me. im usually painfully self aware, however without any inhibitions, that's a hard act to keep up. I had taken more bars than I could count and drank a few glasses of wine. If I was with my normal breed of scumbag, it wouldn't have mattered. W, however, was the most functioning addict I had ever met. I know he took me somewhere nice, and I know I embarrassed myself as usual, but I was thankful my brain had decided I didn't need to know exactly how. I didn't push myself to stay the night, he seemed to want me to. I didn't have sex with him though, I had been trying to be less trashy. maybe the reason nothing was working out for me was because I was sleeping with them too soon... it couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that I preferred to live in a state of numb, ignorant drug induced bliss.
W was over me and It was obvious. nothing like the look of someone regretting being with you to make you feel like shit. I had seen this too many times before. He drove me home as soon as he could without being rude, at this point I just wanted to get away from the awkward tension and when he said "bye", I knew I had screwed it up. Maybe that was a trigger for me, its funny how the most obvious concepts usually take the longest for me to grasp. I immediately knew who id call; someone so infatuated with me that I couldn't possibly feel unwanted, plus, he was one of my few remaining friends who I knew would bring me heroin. I texted him and asked him to get a ride over, I wasn't worried about my mom finding out. I had snuck W over a few nights prior, and I was sure I had it down.
In order to finish this, im going to cry alittle.alot of this is very traumatic for me. I have BPD as well as severe anxiety and possible cptsd im not going to do that right now because my audience is 0. on the off chance someone comes across this, thank you for reading. this is as honest an account of heroin addiction that you can find. trying to heal means admitting this stuff.
everything in this post is ALLEGED
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I was at the point where I was preparing to commit federal crimes to get my perscriptions, with my pharmacy swearing up and down they don't have them and they need the doc to re-send them, and the doc's phone line not being fixed and still saying they're out for thanksgiving and they'll re-open friday morning, when all of a sudden my favorite nurse calls me back and I'm almost crying as I explain everything to her and she not only calls in all my prescriptions manually to make sure they get sent, but makes sure I've got enough to last till they arrive (Insurance forces me to use mail order supply or they don't cover anything). I'm still wound up but I'm so grateful to have at least one angel in my corner.
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