#please feel free to ignore :)

[tizniz]

tw: eating disorder, self loathing, childhood trauma

I just…my mind really fucking sucks.

I’m literally sitting on my kitchen floor at 9pm, my cupboards all open, and I am screaming in my mind to eat something.

But I just…I can’t.

I’ve been trying to get myself to eat for the last two hours. And I cannot.

And it fucking sucks.

And I used to be in such denial about having an eating disorder because of many reasons.

1. I’m bigger, and so I don’t fit the “look” of someone with a disorder 2. I didn’t fall under anorexic or bulimic types and 3. I eat so I must be fine.

Yet my eating is basically non existent. I’m terrified more often than not to eat. And I constantly hear my mother’s voice in my head scolding me for anything I even consider eating — healthy or not. She literally sent me sugar free stuff for Christmas.

I shouldn’t be this fucking scared to eat food. I shouldn’t struggle to eat once a day and only doing it because I absolutely need to.

My meds can really get messed up if I don’t eat. I’m fucking diabetic (which is a whole other issue when it comes to my mother) and so I need to eat to keep my levels normal but I just can’t.

I don’t feel hungry and so I don’t think about it. I’m too exhausted to make anything. I can’t eat out because my mothers fucking voice is in my head screaming at me to not spend money (we grew up poor and while I personally am financially stable now, it’s still a struggle for me) or to order out because I’ll get fat. Because I am fat.

And I just…I fucking hate this. I hate it so bad I can’t even put it into fucking words.

I want to claw out of my own skin. I want to cut off my stomach. I want to shove fingers down my throat to throw up so I can justify having an eating disorder.

Instead I sit here on the kitchen floor and cry at 9pm on a Tuesday. Instead all I’ve done is eat a few pieces of chocolate, some fries from McDonald’s, and had some water.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I’m so fucking tired of this.

#please feel free to ignore #it’s mostly me just venting #because I need to get the words out somewhere #tanis rambles

[mountainofhistory]

Broke: Making abilities for your OCs

Woke: Making spellcards for your OCs

Bespoke: Making tradable Ability Cards for your OCs

#ooc #please feel free to ignore #I'm just being silly

[betasuppe]

I'm just so used to & so accepting to only ever get insults & complaints & harsh fucking critiques that I genuinely have no idea how to process kind compliments. Like, at all.

I've been torn up all day long after being pulled in to sit with my manager & expecting to get reemed to hell & back, where he just paid me compliment after compliment on things I only imagined my higher ups at work have never even acknowledged. & now I'm feeling really really weird by it all.

I'm literally just sitting here, hours & hours later, feeling worried & nervous, still waiting for the other shoe to drop and to get walloped even harder in the fucking face because. People just don't pay me compliments.

I don't know what the fuck to do like. I think I should be happy & grateful my higher ups have noticed me & acknowledge the special things I bring to the table. But instead, I have this huge feeling of just dread dread dread haunting me.

#nok talks #im so uncomfortabke rn #i dont know how to feel or hiw to think of any of this #why the fuck do i have to be such a complete fucking disaster♡ #please feel free to ignore #im a real dude just here on the other side of the screen i promise #but god im living a nightmare of my own making♡

[thelurkershideout]

Just gonna stream of consciousness brainstorm here a sec

So Fjora is my Thieves Guild OC, she's also probably my longest existing OC. She was born in Riften, met Brynjolf when they were both young and formed a friendship, then ran away from her terrible home life and studied to be a bard in Solitude before coming back to Riften years later.

I've been thinking a lot about those early days in Riften recently, and I know that Fjora never met or knew Gallus or Karliah before the events of the quest line. But like, what if they knew her?

What if they were aware of this little girl who clung to the edges of rooms and crowds on instinct? This girl who is already a natural at hovering just out of sight as a defense mechanism? She is clearly lonely, and there's something just WRONG. They know they can't approach her directly, she's too young to join the guild and her family has too tight of control over her for them to approach anyway. BUT they have a relatively new recruit only a few years older than her, fresh from the Gold Coast (this is my attempt to explain the "Lass") who needs to start socializing with the locals so he gets better at his job.

So Gallus gives Brynjolf a gentle nudge. "Just try to talk to her." Maybe under the guise of teaching him how to gather information. "She's always watching people, I wonder what she knows?" Brynjolf is awkward, he hasn't mastered his charm yet, but the quiet giggle from the girl who sits under the docks when it rains is promising.

Snow Veil Sanctum happens shortly after Brynjolf first speaks to Fjora. Years later Gallus's spirit isn't quite sure why, but the young woman who enters the Sepulchre is familiar and he feels hope return to him.

#skyrim #the lurker speaks #the elder scrolls #tesblr #brynjolf #gallus #karliah #theives guild #riften #oc:fjora #please feel free to ignore

[mcdavidonthebreakaway]

I, an Oilers fan, moved to Vancouver a few years ago. Some of my favourite days to go out are Vancouver vs Edmonton game days, where Vancouver is the home team.

Blue and orange jerseys everywhere because the Canucks fans go to arena but Oilers fans find a screen and plant themselves there like their roots were never uplifted. Numbers are suddenly the most important thing in the world- 21 shots to their 17, 3-3, 46 seconds left in the 3rd, 97 to 29 passed back to 18 and back to 97 and SCORE -cheering every time the away jerseys make the puck find home in the net, waiting for the telltale sound of the buzzer to tell us it’s over- the anxiety, the pressure, the play, the period, the game.

Everyone cheers, strangers hug the person beside them because that’s our team and we won and every single point feels personal. It’s us against the Canucks, it’s us against the league, it’s us against the world, if you’re feeling a little dramatic.

And that little bar down the road from my house feels like home, if only for a few hours.

#don’t mind me #I’m a little homesick #the Oilers help #this is a lil ranty #please feel free to ignore #I just found the words to explain why hockey is so Important™️ to me #and it’s the last time I get this for a while #edmonton oilers #hockey #nhl #oilers #kailer yamamoto

[theinternetisfulloftrash]

Does hubs whimper like Colin in Not Okay when he cums?

Oh. Oh my!

Anon really narrowing in on the deets on SINday. Coming in hot. Uhhh... he's a little more subtle, generally? Like... a grunt through gritted teeth kinda guy? Though, I occasional get a Colin-like whined whimper. The variety is really nice, honestly 😏

#each blown load is like a snowflake #hahahahaha #anyway #this is mad #personal #please feel free to ignore #because this is #NOT dylan #and if you follow me for him #abd only him #block my 'not dylan' tag #or my #hubs #or #hubs ask #tag #😍 #anon #anon ask #ask #naughty anon

[spaceorphan18]

So... I had wanted to answer some in box things, but my computer decided to not connect to the internet for a few hours - as one does. So, I'm not getting to that.

And then I saw something that... idk, kinda rubbed me the wrong way? But I have no reason to feel that way?

I usually put in my queue things from the way-back-when machine of my archives, and haven't really been paying too much attention to what I'm reblogging. And this evening, I had one of those generic -- still love klaine -- things go through.

It made me laugh at first because this post is so old that I had to laugh - and think, I'll bet a majority of these notes are from people who no longer are in fandom. And I checked the notes. And the first note was from the OP -- stating, rather bluntly, that they did indeed moved on. And idk, maybe it was the flippancy of it...

I don't think it's wrong (and often times I think it's completely healthy) to move on from things. Especially looking at the fact that OP was a teenager when they were in the glee fandom. I mean, I started thinking of it in the context of my being super into dawson's creek as a kid, and while I have nostalgic fond memories, and will come back to it from time to time, I very much have moved on from that.

So... I have no real issue with the comment, it just felt... weird? And I suppose this is just a 'me' thing, really.

Because when I think about it -- I do collect fandoms, and hold on very tight. But I can't say that I have the intense passion for any of the fandoms I love that I had when I started. I still love playing in a lot of these fandom spaces -- and will probably continue to do so for the foreseeable future, but the fire of the thing being all consuming isn't there anymore.

So, I get the OP, too.

But I wonder if the flippancy felt judgmental - even if I know it totally wasn't.

But I suppose it also got me thinking. I don't fandom the way I used to, and maybe it's age, maybe it's just being at a different stage in my life, I don't know if I /need/ it the way I used to. Which is a different thing that wanting to be among people I enjoy and discussing and writing about things I like. There was a time when fandom did feel all consuming - for better or for worse -- it can be an intense bonding experience.

And I suppose I've let a lot of that intensity go - and that is fine.

Anyway... there's no real point, other than a comment caused me to think and I just used this as a blog to think through my thoughts. That's all. :P

#just thinking outloud #please feel free to ignore #welcome to my brain #i do wish i could have answered some of those in box messages #i do have a lot to say #but i do need to do rl things too #also i know better than to read the comments on popular internet posts

[vennnnn-diagram]

im sorry for. neurotically rbing persona 3 stuff i am in the reload mindset

#please feel free to ignore #i am Going Through It #in the best way possible

[defiantly-ageis]

.

#vent posty #this is for me to scream #please feel free to ignore #I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE #i hate cars #i hate capitalism #i hate having to determine how much money is relistic to spend to want to live my fucking life #im so close to giving up #i cant lose this opportunity i have but its becoming harder and harder each passing second #i swear if i cant escape texas i wont make it out of the year

[splattertrouper]

Vent Post

How in the fuck do you expect me to run our program with no supervisor? Like, I had to be in a call with our grantee and I know I looked like an ass after I had to basically fumble through the info I know but am not used to disseminating this directly. I get that we're going through a transitional period, and I would never say that our old supervisor should stay against their will. But fuck off dude, this disorganized mess is doing nothing but stressing me out. I also can't talk to anybody cause the owners are busy too often with this new project! I feel so neglected.

#vent posting #please feel free to ignore

[hashtagkreiderpic]

Alright team- I turned in my last final this morning! Which means my first year of school is officially done- and I can watch some fucking hockey again and I swear to god if the Rangers don’t keep it up now that I can participate I’m gonna be pissed.

Also I got a new to me car this week! Sad saying bye to the one I’ve had since I was 15 but exciting to get to pick my own and get some of the new car features I didn’t have in my 2007 model.

The move isn’t over at work unfortunately and honestly works never been worse but it’s fine I’m refusing to work on weekends for them or longer than 30 minutes past my shift so we’ll get there.

Anyways; I think those are all the updates- but the most important one is that hockey screaming should resume

#please feel free to ignore #just all the updates #but I have a whole year down now! #v proud #and tired #but hoping for new opportunities at the end of this #I really need to update my site

[betasuppe]

Why are you working yourself up so much over this blog? Is it your main source of income? Is it relevant to your survival in any shape or form? Do you really NEED it in your life to be happy? Is the validation you get through it so important? These are questions i keep asking myself a lot too. I don't want to give you any adivce on what to do with your blog, cause that is only up to you what you decide in the end. but maybe think about why this makes you feel so horrible cause it seems to happen a lot lately and its worrying.

Just... take care of yourself is what I'm trying to say 💖

Idk what's really wrong with me, man. But I appreciate you breaking it down like this to me. & uh. More stuff under the break. Please feel free to ignore, I just want to get this shit off my mind...

To be fair, I really don't have any sort of social life irl... at all. Here? This is basically the only place I'm actually able to be myself & my blog kinda turned into a huge vent station for me because I can't get out my thoughts or issues anywhere else haha

Then beyond my blog, my art dies in my sketchbooks. I don't have anyone to show my crap to. I don't have anyone to babble with about any of my fandoms or AUs. That's why this blog has become so much of an emotional struggle for me. I love it & I hate it both.

I know the hunt for neverending validation is toxic & impossible as hell, but it genuinely feels good to know I have anything of an audience for my silly content beyond me myself & I. No matter, I can barely even process compliments or positive responses while my insecurities are on an all time high lmao

But also, dont get me wrong! I'm very very grateful for the friends I've made here!... but true deep set lonesomeness can't be fixed so easily.

I just always feel like a nuisance. I don't think my work is any good at all & so any nice comments tend to ring hallow because... well, how could it mean anything really when all I see is my own ineptitude?

Anyways. I know I'm a pain in the ass & my mental health is a fucking roller coaster. I know leaving here long term would be healthy for my mental state but also. At what cost?

Sorry for the ramble. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I don't know. I'm just numb & hurting all at once. I'm sorry I'm like this.

#asks #neg neg neg #please feel free to ignore #its just me barfing out my emotions nbd♡

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

i'm not trying to start anything, but i just saw a post criticizing misha collins for not choosing to quit spn when the network was homophobic and he was "profiting from homophobia" and i just think it's kind of... wild? that young people think that a person could just. decide to not work for a prejudiced corporation when they have a family to provide for?

i don't know, i don't even really want to debate or go into it more, but it's just kind of surreal to see opinions from people who weren't there in 2013 when misha collins was literally the only person willing to support not just destiel shippers but actual queer and trans and ace fans. i have no doubt that he saved lives through the care he showed to vulnerable young people who desperately needed to see someone give a damn about them. he's significantly flawed in many ways, but he will always be a saint in my eyes for how much he cared.

like i just don't think that people accustomed to this modern era where hardly anyone blinks over two men kissing on tv can understand what it was like when we were mocked and silenced, when we weren't allowed to breathe the word 'destiel' without getting booed, and misha was the only damn person who spoke up for us. the only one. who was probably risking his job in saying the things he did.

things have changed. that's wonderful. don't judge people surviving previous eras by the standards of today.

#i'm just. i'm kind of bewildered #misha doesn't get to call himself an ally because he kept working for the homophobic network do you fucking hear yourself #tell me what network WASN'T homophobic in 2012 please tell me #he was not some super wealthy actor who could pick and choose who he worked for however he liked #he had kids to feed #good lord #wank for ts #spn #feel free to ignore this i just had to get it off my chest

[s0ckh3adstudios]

THE PREQUEL FOR THE PREQUEL! The cast of Undertale Blue, and 3 minor characters Flo also encounters at the end who are just as wonderful as everyone else ok. Love them forever

We've got Flo, the grumpy dancer just trying to get home. Ernest, the paranoid conspiracy theorist. Iris, the local doctor with.... definitely helpful solutions. Alexander, an "underground-renowned" thespian who loves to put on a good show. And Marth, an old French moth musician hermit-ing in the deeper cavverns of the underground.

There's also Phil, a beaver who hopes to become the "president" of the underground, and his assistant Tim! And Uisce, a young artist.

Oh, what about Dalv and Kanako? Nahhhh, you don't need to know anything about them <3

Ernest and Alexander were designed by @capt-summer

Iris and Uisce were designed by @silviaflowers

Tim was designed by @atlasdotpng

#please ignore that Marth's image here is just a bit of a sized-up version of the art from his og ref #i was lazy and liked how i drew him... #let it be known we actually DO have a whole plot and areas laid out for UTB #will we do anything with it? no idea #but feel free to ask questions :D #undertale blue #utb flo #utb alexander #utb iris #utb ernest #utb tim #utb phil #utb uisce #utb dalv #utb kanako #undertale yellow #uty dalv #uty kanako #sock art

[baselicoc]

i know that atsv and spiderverse in general is probably not including Gabe for various reasons and therefore when Mig took his alt selfs place he wasnt actually leaving anyone behind. he said something along the lines of “i found a universe where i was happy” which kinda screams that something was fucked up with his home one, i’d like to think more than usual because the other explanation is that he just left like all his family behind. Which is extremely messed up but also on the other hand a little funny

like imagine being gabe here. Imagine your older brother fucks off to another universe because of his depression and comes back with even worse depression ranting some shit about canon events. You have to be told where he went by his AI because god knows your brother has all the communication skills of a rusty spoon. Have to be told he fucking left with no intention of coming back

#spiderman #sm2099 #miguel o'hara #gabriel o’ hara #miguel #like i never expect gabe to be in anything honestly hes my little guy but sm2099 adaptations hate him sometimes #not even going to start talking about the other sm2099 supporting characters but #the idea of gabe just. having his brother fuck off but then also come back with more issues. drives me insane #and you fuckin KNOW this guy would barely communicate a thing gabe would have to bully half of it out of mig and get the other half from lyl #but also. since i mentioned supporting cast. if kasey and hobie ever met its fuckin over for everyone #sm2099 brainworms hitting me so bad since atsv #in atsv they would be even more dysfunctional than their worst comic moments #atsv #silly little textposts #please feel free to ignore this im just obsessed with messed up sibling relationships #Mig comes back to “welcome home cheater” on every wall of his apartment #atsv spoilers #<- SORRY I FORGOR

[daddyplasmius]

Danny Fenton isn’t dead. And Maddie is grateful for that, as his mother. But, as a scientist, she knows, realistically, he should be dead. Yet here he is, walking around with enough ectoplasmic contamination in his system to kill a grown man ten times, acting like nothing is wrong. What the honest fuck.

Maddie’s first theory is ectocontamination. A severe case. The problem with this theory is that there’s no proof of contamination besides the absurd amount of ectoplasm in Danny’s system. No adverse health effects as far as they can tell. Which is oddーwhen she compares it to her other theories.

Her second theoryーJack’s firstーis possibly low level possession. But, again, Danny shows no signs or symptoms besides his ectoplasmic levels. He can even pass through the Fenton Ghost Shield.

Third? Maybe he isn’t affected as much by ectoplasm and so it just sticks to him without any adverse effects. She did handle samples while pregnant, which wasn’t very good. But, again, the problem here is that the same could be said of Jazz, and she has a perfectly normal level of ectocontamination. And when she had gotten severely contaminated, Jazz fell illーalong with dozens of other students from Casper High.

It is quite literally just Danny.

Danny Fenton is an enigma. Maddie finds herself stuck in this thought loop often. Her son doesn’t even seem to notice the absolutely massive amount of ectoenergy he gives off. Normally, that much would be coming from the deceased victim of contamination or a ghost, not a healthy, living teenager.

And Danny is healthy. Nothing is wrong with him besides that. Which is weird. Well, it’s good that he isn’t dying, but… scientifically impossible. Never before witnessed. An anomaly in the field of paranormal science. A human giving off so much ectoplasmic energy a day, it could fuel a blob ghost, without recharging, for ten years.

Another mystery. How did Danny discover blob ghosts before she or Jack did? Why didn’t he tell them before one wandered out of his room? And why on Earth would he give them such a ridiculous, albeit accurate, name?

Maddie feels like her head is going to explode. She wishes she could justーask. But her son thoroughly avoids any mention of ghosts. Add it to the list. Because that’s what this is becoming. Just a list of odd things about her son that she can’t solve. Her son that should be dead, but against all odds isn’t.

#like 400 words of something i forgor i wrote (like a bit over a year ago apparently?) #story of my life tbh. i still don't remember writing HOMSH #posting in case anyone else wants to run with it. i may do so myself at some point but pretty focused on FOtPoD & my 2 original series atm #Danny Phantom #my fic #the document is titled: that's just a theory a danny fenton theory #feel free to rename it. by all means rename it. please rename it #OH ALSO IDK HOW TO USE EFFECT & AFFECT. SORRY. IGNORE MY LIKELY MISUSE OF THoSE WORDS orz