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samhainfae · 2 months

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—let it bleed through my fingers, a treasure in my hands.

//strangers to lovers, fluff+angst, canon typical violence, blood, death, war, guns, mutual pining, abandonment issues, attachment issues, alcohol consumption, f!reader//

800 words.

You stared at the array of pretty scarves on the street, admiring them. You could never hope to afford one with your mother being sick. A feeling of dread washed over you. You were going to be alone soon, with no one but the ladies at the library. Your mother was the only family you had left.

“Pretty aren’t they?” A voice said from behind. A handsome soldier, in a pair of camouflage pants, and a gray sweater, a bag over his shoulder.

“Yes, sir.” You said, wide eyed. You hadn’t had much socialization outside of your dying mother. “I come here every day to look at them. My treat after caring for my mother. She’s dying.” You told him sadly. “You’re always reaching out your hand, until they’re no longer there to reach back.” You continued softly.

He looked impressed by something for a moment, eyes wide and jaw slack, before he kissed your forehead, lingering, making you press closer. You were hungry for affection, being so isolated. “How old are you, sweetness?”

You blinked, looking up at him, wondering why he asked. “Twenty five. You?”

“Thirty-two.” He looked at the vendor. “Purple, for the pretty lady.” He said, handing him some cash from his pocket.

“Sir, I won’t be able to pay you back.” You said, cheeks warming, reaching for some change in your pocket, anything to pay him back. You only found a pink gumball. With your cheeks warm, you handed it to him, “This is all I have.”

He took it, his heart aching that you didn’t just want to take from him. “It’s Billy,” he said, wrapping the scarf around your neck, and pulling your hair out. “I can’t deny a pretty girl with sad eyes.” He flirted playfully. “I grew up poor too, sweetness. I know about struggling.”

“You’re in the army, Billy?”

“Marines. Scout sniper specialist.” He said proudly grinning, picking up his bag he’d set down. “I’m about to go back over to Afghanistan. I’m almost late for my flight.” His knuckles tenderly brushed your cheeks.

“Good luck,” you said softly, before he left. “I’ll wait for you.”

But he wasn’t sure he heard you.

Billy had his rifle over his lap, waiting for the enemy to make a move. It had been an ambush, and a lot of their men had died. One who’d joked with Billy earlier that day and played cards with him and Frank the night before, him and Frank had to leave behind as he bled out, screaming.

Billy was covered in his blood, and shaking. He’d always hated attachments. His mother proved that relationships were ephemeral. That people were after themselves.

But he mourned that man’s death, and he reached into his pocket, pulling out your pink gumball. He took you with him at every mission, but was careful not to let the other men see. He’d kill someone over that little pink gumball, if they tried taking it.

He didn’t understand his vicious attachment to the little thing, other than someone who had shown they cared, had promised to wait for him. The promise of someone waiting at home for him was sweet.

He pressed his mouth to it, and swore he could smell your perfume clinging to it. Or maybe he was just goddamn tired, and hallucinating.

He quickly pocketed it as Frank moved over, a wry grin on his face. “Gonna eat that gumball eventually, Bill?” He asked, passing a flask to Billy.

Billy choked on the moonshine. “I’m savin’ it for when we go home.” He hedged., wiping his chin.

Frank looked out into the desert. It was quiet right now. The calm before the storm. He turned back. “What woman gave it to you?” He asked, taking the flask back, drinking from it himself.

Billy’s jaw ticked. He didn’t want to share you. He wanted to keep your sweet memory and his infatuation to himself. Mostly he didn’t want to look like a fool when he returned and you had inevitably found someone else. Or just wasn’t truly waiting for him like he thought.

Frank sat down next to him, and didn’t press any further, and Billy was relieved, as he closed his pockets, not wanting to risk losing you. And just in time.

Forces were coming towards their hiding spot, shouts over their heads, and they readied their weapons. Frank turned to Billy. “You get home to her, so you can give her a kiss.” He said roughly, turning and firing at someone, his shot going through the guy’s head, dropping him.

In the darkness, Billy’s cheeks turned pink as they burned. But he didn’t have a chance to respond as someone shot at him, missing by a hair’s breadth away.

He would come home to you. He swore it.

@kayhi808 @snowkestrel @vaguekayla @danzer8705 @e-dubbc11 @aoi-targaryen

#billy russo #billy russo x reader

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gallusrostromegalus · 10 months

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For An Elephant is Warm and Mushy, what's the deal with Ichigo and Isshin? Cause I hate Isshin, but I want to know what your take is on it. (Sorry if you've already addressed this.)

I think my thoughts on Isshin in AEIWAM are best summed up as such:

To elaborate: I think that, if he had been a father under normal circumstances, Isshin would have been a perfectly competent and even a good father.

...But he's not parenting under Normal Circumstances.

He's parenting as widower (alone) with three psychic (no how-to guides on this!) and traumatized (Especially Ichigo) children, while processing his own trauma (Again, Widower), while in a HIGHLY demanding and stressful career (Emergency care specialist/Surgeon), while technically on the run from the law (he's still wanted for being a deserter), while also in Apex Predator Central (Karkura is CHOCK A FUCKING BLOCK fulla hollows).

And BY GOD, the man is trying! AEIWAM! Isshin does his best to keep his children informed of the dangers of their world while not also risking them breaking his witness protection scheme. He works extremely hard and his best to keep them fed, housed, safe, educated and loved, and he LOVES them SO MUCH. Isshin is NEVER shy always genuine with affection towards his children! Hell, he even reaches out to who he can (Urahara, Ryukken, his neighbors, the kid's teachers) for help because he knows he's in over his head and needs help and that's a hard damn thing for a parent to do, but...

...It's not enough.

He still lies to his children. For perfectly sane and understandable reasons, but he still lies to them. He still doesn't understand his children- He gives them all the love he can, as best he knows how, but Ichigo especially speaks an entirely different love language. He's still not there for his children. Balancing three kids is ROUGH when you're a single parent and I'm afraid Isshin has some old-fashioned notions about gender that cause him to prioritize the twins over Ichigo. And worse, he's not there when Ichigo, and later the twins, start being in mortal danger from the fallout of his connection to Soul Society.

He grit his teeth and moved heaven and earth to rise to the occasion and still managed to fall well short of it.

A+ for Effort

D- for The Actual Results

So. Why DOES Isshin keep failing at healthy communication? Why DOES he make bizarre choices? Why DOES he suck at being a father?

As I was writing I realized the answer is that he was in the right time and place to accidentally learn some VERY bad habits from his friends and colleagues during his heavy involvement in the Soi Fon-Yoruichi Debacle.

This is already a very long post, so the explanation is under the cut:

To be clear: It's not their fault.

It's one of those awful "Its nobody's fault specifically, but the way human minds work means that this sort of conflict and bad behavior was inevitable" situations. The tragedy of being discrete beings.

The crux of Soi Fon and Yoruichi's relationship was that two people who had previously only moderate issues met another person whose own issues massively exacerbated their own in a continuously escalating cycle.

AEIWAM! Soi Fon is the SOLE surviving child of the Fon Clan. He five older brothers were all killed in service to the second division and the Shihon clan. Possibly under Yoruichi's direction, if I understand the timelines right. She was also raised from a very young age to ignore her own needs as a person, use violence as a Solution to her problems, largely starved of affection, and to hero-worship Yoruichi. Girl was already messed up when she walked into the Second division.

AEIWAM! Yoruichi is ALSO a sole surviving clan heir (Yushiro is conceived as a direct result to her vanishing in TBTP) and ALSO taught to use violence as a first solution, but instead of a self-sacrificing mindset, Yoruichi was raised to believe that other people sacrificing themselves for her was normal, good and even virtuous on their part. She was also sort of doted on by her parents, who were thrilled that their last-chance heir was shaping up so well (So far as they knew).

You can see how this was always going to go badly.

Soi fon is desperate to please. Yoruichi thinks this is perfectly normal and desirable behavior, and so she rewards it with copious affection, because Soi Fon responds to that well. Soi fon, receiving her first hit of positive reinforcement in her whole life, promptly falls head over heels for Yoruichi, and works even harder for her. Yoruichi, thrilled to have someone so capable, continues to reward this behavior. The cycle continues, and escalates.

Eventually, the two of them are operating in completely different worlds. So far as Soi Fon can tell, She and Yoruichi are in a Grand Romance, like a knight and her princess in the fairytale stories she used to comfort herself with as a little girl. She assumes this is a normal relationship between lieutenant and captain. So far as Yoruichi can tell, She and Soi Fon are in a Perfectly Normal And Platonic Working Relationship, because this is how every 2nd Division Lieutenant has fawned over their Shihon captain since the division's inception, and she assumes this is perfectly normal.

At some point, Soi Fon realizes that their relationship is really one-sided and she's giving 110% for maybe 4% on Yoruichi's behalf, but she's invested so much and every authority figure in her life is telling her that this is Right and Correct, that she actively chooses the fantasy over reality to cope with her circumstances. At some point, Yoruichi realizes that she's wildly taking advantage of Soi Fon's romantic feelings that she... well. She likes the girl well enough, but not romantically. But She relies so much on Soi Fon to run the 2nd Division and every authority figure in her life is telling her that this is Right and Correct that she actively chooses to play into Soi Fon's fantasy to preserve this very beneficial (for her) status Quo.

...Enter Kisuke Urahara.

Urahara has no horse in this particular race- in fact, he doesn't even know there's a race going on. He's deeply enamored of this ABSOLUTE BABE that's into his schlubby little ass, who's cool and funny and involved in the same insane workplace he is, and when Yoruichi sometimes complains to him about how crazy her lieutenant is, his only frame of reference is... Mayuri. He thinks this is normal, and the romantic relationship between him and Yoruichi continues to grow. She's his unexpected 11 out of 10, he's her fun dirty little secret. It's kinda tawdry, but it is honest.

Then TBTP happens. Kisuke and Yoruichi sorta accidentally frame themselves for treason, then someone (Aizen) very on purpose frames them for treason.

And so far as Soi Fon knows, the woman she loved, the woman she devoted her life to, the woman who (allegedly) loved her back- has lied to and discarded her.

It hurts. It hurts A Lot.

...Enter Isshin Shiba.

In AEIWAM, Isshin becomes a captain the same week TBTP happens, though he's on the other side of the rukongai when that shit goes down, so he shows up to his first captain's meeting with more than half the captains being brand new to their jobs, not totally sure what he or anyone else is doing-

-And there's Soi Fon. Alone and Miserable.

Isshin is an older brother to a younger sister (who never gets a name in canon) and an uncle to her three children, but they all live way out in the middle of nowhere so he hardly ever sees them and seeing Soi Fon at the meeting, exhausted and distraught (And maybe a little bit hungover) activates every single Big Brother And Uncle instinct he's been looking to inflict on someone.

It's VERY easy for him to hear Soi Fon's side of the story, conveniently ignore the part where she actively chose to believe in a romantic relationship she knew didn't actually exist, and cast Yoruichi as The Bad Guy Who Took Advantage Of My Poor Substitute Little Sister.

Soi Fon, who had *almost* been on the verge of being realistic about the breakup, leans into his version of the story, because, again, she's massively starved for affection and Isshin is giving her the type of love her now-dead brothers used to. So Isshin learns Bad Gender Habits here, and Bad Listening Habits, and Bad "Casting People Into Roles Instead Of Treating Them Like People" Habits, and gets rewarded for them with Soi Fon's attention and sisterly affection.

This is also probably where his decision-making skills start to decline- Soi Fon is a Trusted Colleague of his, and he goes to her for advice on Tricky Political Things, because that's what 2nd division DOES. Unfortunately, Soi Fon lives in Information Opsec Paranoia Spy Shit Hell, and gives her advice out accordingly. He starts favoring not giving out details unless he thinks it's REALLY necessary, and using bad-faith decision making. Even More unfortunately, the Gotei-13 is a hot mess of an organization and these habits serve him well.

...Enter Masaki Ishida, and shortly thereafter, Exit Isshin Shiba until he appears in the Human world as Dr. Isshin Kurosaki, and his wife, Masaki Kurosaki.

It's during the "I met a woman who is *technically* an enemy of the state, but she was so cool I fell so hard in love I decided to do a desertion and light treason" mess, Isshin becomes properly acquainted with Urahara and Yoruichi, and eventually, he hears Yoruichi's side of the story. He reverses course, now Soi Fon is the Crazy Ex, and Yoruichi was just doing what was necessary to survive in their demented military-industrial-spy-governement workplace.

Yoruichi doubles down on his "Shut the FUCK up or Yamamoto or worse is gonna come and kill us, and everyone we love" paranoia, because she's also on the run, and when he comes to her for advice on "So apparently the hollows are WAY stronger than I thought, they KILLED MY WIFE, how am I supposed to keep my kids safe?" She advocates teaching them how to recognize and hide from hollows rather than proper self-defense or the truth, because her first fear still is retribution from Soul Society. It's not insane of her- Yamamoto has a very literally fiery temper and can hold grudges for millennia.

So Isshin Tries. But he's also very burdened by paranoid neurotic behavior he doesn't even know he has, and dodgy-if-not-totally-insane advice from his friends.

And that's what I think of Isshin Kurosaki :)

#AEIWAM #Bleach #Bleach fanficton #bleach isshin #isshin kurosaki #isshin shiba #bleach ichigo #ichigo kurosaki #soi fon #yoruichi shihouin #If this was an AITA post #it's very much an “Everyone Here Sucks” result

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thecreaturecodex · 3 months

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Demon Lord, Aldinach

Image © Paizo Publishing

[Sponsored by @vonbaghager . While doing my research for this entry, I noticed something interesting. Aldinach and Areshkagal are enemies in Pathfinder. Aldinach is the name of an Egyptian demon, but looks like a Mesopotamian scorpion-man, whereas Areshkagal gets her name from the Sumerian Ereshkigal but looks like an Egyptian sphinx. Maybe that's why they hate each other.]

Demon Lord, Aldinach CR 28 CE Outsider (extraplanar)

This creature is a golden scorpion the size of a house, except that her head is that of a bald, fanged human woman. Her claws are enormous, made out of blood-red crystal. A mass of seething scorpions crawls along her back and sides.

Aldinach, She of Six Venoms, Lord of Scorpions CE female demon lord of sand, scorpions and thirst Domains Animal, Chaos, Evil, Sun Subdomains Demon, Feather, Fur, Light Favored Weapon kukri Unholy Symbol gold scorpion with sand dripping from its claws Worshipers girtabilus, chaotic phaerimm, torturers Minions fiendish earth elementals, giant scorpions For information on Aldinach’s obedience and boons, see the Book of the Damned

Aldinach is the demon lord of sand, scorpions and thirst. She rules the Sea of Whispering Sands, a layer of nearly infinite deserts she stole from her sister Areshkagal. and continues to defend it from Areshkagal’s servitors. Aldinach has the infinite patience of an ambush predator, and the persistence of the constant erosion created by a sandstorm. She believes that she will outlast the Faceless Sphinx and maintain her rule through sheer tenacity. That Areshkagal has yet to give up is a source of frustration, but not an insurmountable one, and the two demon lords continue to clash in proxy wars via their cults and servitors.

Aldinach usually opens any confrontation by summoning a supernaturally deadly sandstorm. Anyone who resists being immediately flensed is then met in direct combat. She of Six Venoms, as the title suggests, is a master of poisons. Her venom and any created by a spell she casts ignores almost all immunity to poison, and she can tailor the effects of her venom in order to ruin the bodies and minds of her enemies. The infinite swarm of scorpions clinging to her is an extension of her body, and quickly shred and envenom anyone who dares to strike her.

Aldinach’s worshipers tend to be as determined and patient as the Lord of Scorpions herself. The tortures of Aldinach include envenomation and thirst, neither of which are typically fast deaths, and cultists will repeatedly heal their victims and give them just enough water to live, extending the torment to weeks or months. One of Aldinach’s goals is the expansion of deserts, the better to create hard, dangerous environments to breed hard, dangerous souls. Some of her subtlest worshipers masquerade as aqueduct engineers or farming specialists, claiming to be able to eke more out of lean land but in reality spreading the desert.

Aldinach CR 28 XP 4,915,200 CE Colossal outsider (chaos, demon, evil, extraplanar) Init +11; Senses darkvision 60 ft., detect chaos, detect evil, Perception +45, tremorsense 120 ft., true seeing Aura unholy (DC 28)

Defense AC 46, touch 13, flat-footed 39 (-8 size, +7 Dex, +33 natural, +4 deflection) hp 676(33d10+495); regeneration 30 (deific or mythic) Fort +30, Ref +31, Will +31 DR 20/cold iron, epic, and good; Immune ability damage, ability drain, charm effects, compulsion effects, cold, death effects, electricity, energy drain, petrification, and poison; Resist acid 30, cold 30, fire 30; SR 39 Defensive Abilities Abyssal resurrection, freedom of movement, swarm skin

Offense Speed 80 ft., climb 40 ft., burrow 40 ft. Melee sting +42 (2d8+17 plus poison), 2 claws +42 (4d6+17/17-20 x3 plus grab) Space 30 ft.; Reach 30 ft. Special Attacks command vermin, constrict (claw, 4d6+25), crystalline claws, flensing storm, rend (2 claws, 4d6+25), she of six venoms, sneak attack +4d6, swift sting Spell-like Abilities CL 27th, concentration +37 Constant—detect chaos, detect evil, freedom of movement, speak with vermin, true seeing, unholy aura (self only) At will—air walk, blasphemy* (DC 27), cup of dust* (DC 23), cloudkill* (DC 25), greater dispel magic, greater teleport, overwhelming poison (DC 26), sunbeam* (DC 27), unhallow, unholy blight* (DC 24) 3/day—control weather*, empowered horrid wilting (DC 28), quickened sirocco (DC 26), summon demons and scorpions, sunburst (DC 28) 1/day—dominate monster (DC 29), power word kill*, sea of dust * Aldinach can use the mythic version of this spell in her domain

Statistics Str 45, Dex 24, Con 40, Int 28, Wis 29, Cha 31 Base Atk +33; CMB +58 (+62 grapple); CMD 68 (80 vs. trip) Feats Blind Fight, Combat Reflexes, Critical Focus, Empower SLA (horrid wilting), Exhausting Critical, Fatiguing Critical, Greater Vital Strike, Improved Critical (claw), Improved Initiative, Improved Vital Strike, Lightning Reflexes, Nimble Moves, Power Attack, Quicken SLA (sirocco), Skill Focus (Stealth), Stand Still, Vital Strike Skills Bluff +46, Climb +58, Heal +42, Intimidate +46, Knowledge (arcana, dungeoneering, religion) +42, Knowledge (geography, planes) +45, Perception +45, Sense Motive +45, Spellcraft +42, Stealth +41, Survival +45, Use Magic Device +43; Racial Modifiers +8 Stealth Languages Abyssal, Celestial, Draconic, Infernal, speak with vermin, telepathy 300 ft. SQ demon lord traits

Ecology Environment any deserts (The Abyss) Organization unique Treasure triple standard

Special Abilities Command Vermin (Su) Aldinach can command creatures of the vermin type to do her bidding as a move action, either via using his ability to speak with vermin or via telepathy. This affects vermin within 300 feet (Will DC 36 negates). This functions like mass suggestion, but can affect mindless creatures. Aldinach can suggest obviously harmful or suicidal acts (though non-mindless creatures gain a +10 bonus on their saving throws against these suggestions). The commanded course of activity can have a duration of up to 1 hour. If Aldinach issues a new command to a creature, the previous command is discarded. Once a creature succeeds at its save against this effect, it is immune to further commands from Aldinach for 24 hours. The save DC is Charisma-based. Crystalline Claws (Ex) Aldinach’s claw attacks threaten a critical hit on a roll of 19-20, and deals x3 damage on a successful critical hit. Flensing Storm (Su) As a standard action, Aldinach can conjure a supernatural sandstorm at a range of up to 300 feet. The storm fills a sphere in a 40 foot radius, blocking vision as a fog cloud, and dealing 10d6 points of slashing damage and 1d4 Constitution damage a round. A successful DC 36 Reflex save negates the Constitution damage and halves the slashing damage. As a move action, Aldinach can move the storm up to 60 feet. Aldinach can see through her own flensing storms without penalty. A flensing storm can only be dispersed with wind of hurricane force or stronger, and lasts for 2 minutes. Aldinach can use this ability at will, but can only have one flensing storm in existence at a time. The save DC is Charisma based. Poison (Ex) Sting or swarm skin—injury; save Fort DC 41; duration 1/round for 6 rounds; damage 2d4 Str, Dex, Int, Wis or Cha damage or 1d6 Con damage; cure 3 consecutive saves. The save DC is Constitution based. She of Six Venoms (Su) Aldinach can change what ability score her poison deals damage to as an immediate action. She can change the ability damage for her swarm skin ability separately. Any poison damage dealt by Aldinach ignores all poison immunity except from a mythic source. Speak with Vermin (Sp) This functions as speak with animals, except that Aldinach can communicate with creatures of the vermin type. Summon Demons and Scorpions (Sp) When Aldinach uses her summon demons ability, she may also summon giant scorpions of any size with the demonic vermin or half-fiend templates. Swarm Skin (Su) Any creature that touches Aldinach with a melee weapon, natural weapon, touch attack or unarmed strike must succeed a DC 33 Reflex save or take 5d6 points of slashing and piercing damage and be exposed to her poison. Manufactured weapons with the reach property do not endanger their wielder in this way. The save DC is Dexterity based. Swift Sting (Ex) Aldinach can make a single sting attack as a swift action. This is in addition to all of the attacks she makes as a full attack action.

#pathfinder 1e #aldinach #demon #demon lord #demigods #sponsored post

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vigilante-3073 · 3 months

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Chemistry

JASON KOLCHEK x FEMALE CHEMIST!READER

Summary: A specialist in biohazardous materials and chemical weapons is called to Camp Slayer to assist in the excavation into a buried Sumerian temple.

TW: Mild angst, injured reader, hurt/comfort themes, guns, blood.

Jason stood outside the entrance to the building as he waited for the doctor to arrive at Camp Slayer. A helicopter appeared overhead before slowly lowering down onto the dusty ground below.

Jason watched as a young woman pushed open the door and hopped out, leaning back into the helicopter to grab two large cases of supplies. She dragged them to the edge of the doorway with a grimace at the heavy weight.

Jason quickly made his way over, "Need a hand, Doctor?" He asked loudly over the thrum of helicopter blades as they spun.

"Yes, please," She said, stepping out of the way.

Jason lifted the cases easily, "Follow me," He said, tilting his head towards the building.

The doctor followed Jason across the dusty ground and over to the building, "I'm First Lieutenant Jason Kolchek, Ma'am," He said.

"Doctor Y/N L/N. It's a pleasure to meet you, Lieutenant," She said, pulling the door open for him, "Likewise, Ma'am. We have a workspace prepared for you inside," Jason replied, stepping through the doorway.

Jason led her through the winding hallways of the base before turning and pressing his back against one of the doors to open it, "This room is all yours, Doc," Jason said, watching her move past him and into the large office.

"Wow, this is better than my office at home," She said, looking around at the paintings and sculptures scattered around the large office.

Jason stepped away from the door, "Where would you like these, Ma'am?" He asked.

"Oh, gosh. Sorry, um- Right on the desk would be great," Y/N said, he lifted the cases up onto the tabletop before stepping back.

"What exactly does a chemist bring into the middle of the desert? If you don't mind my asking, that is," Jason questioned.

She took a breath, thumbs popping two of the latches before lifting the lid, "A lot of stuff, actually. I've been told that the Colonel is more prepared for exposure to combat weapons than chemical ones on this mission," She said, sifting through the contents of her case.

Y/N finally found what she was looking for, pulling out a gas mask, "This is going to become your new best friend down there, Lieutenant," She said, holding the mask out to Jason.

He took the mask from her hand, "What exactly do you think is down there, Doc?" Jason asked, "We're going to assume anything and everything," She stated.

Jason watched her as she pulled out multiple boxes of medication and small med cups, "What's that?" He questioned.

"It's called Ciprofloxacin," Y/N said, opening one of the boxes and popping two of the pills out of the foil and into the two medication cups, "It's meant for-" "Anthrax," Jason stated, she nodded.

"Preparing for anything and everything," She said, picking up the two cups and holding one out to Jason.

He took it from her hand, "Cheers," He nodded, bringing the med cup up to his mouth as they both took the pills.

....

The team made it to the sight of the bunker and the soldiers went ahead to clear the compound before bringing in the Colonel, the Doctor and Rachel. Iraqi forces arrived and a firefight ensued, Jason managed to get the Doctor to safety before returning to the shootout.

The ground suddenly began to rumble, knocking Jason off balance as cracks spread quickly across the dirt. Sinkholes opened all across the compound, dragging American and Iraqi soldiers down into the caverns below.

The Doctor had disappeared somewhere in the rubble and everyone was scattered and divided. Jason couldn't help but blame himself, she was defenseless and he had lost her in his effort to protect her during the firefight.

Jason had formed a relationship of necessity with Salim in the tunnels as they fought against the vampire creatures that had been trapped below.

Jason made his way down the tunnel with Salim by his side, their weapons were raised with flashlights pointing forward as they moved quietly down the path. Jason halted in his step when he heard a noise from inside the wall of the tunnel, he and Salim quickly moved to press their backs against the wall.

Jason leaned out, hearing more rustling from the hole in the wall, "There's somethin' in there," He said quietly to Salim.

"Should we try and sneak past it?" Salim asked.

Jason shook his head, "No, let's blitz the fucker," He stated.

"This is a bad idea," Salim muttered, leaning back against the wall with a shake of his head.

"The minute we move that son of a bitch is gonna be on us," Jason reasoned quietly.

"Fine," Salim huffed, "On three?" Jason asked, Salim nodded, adjusting his grip on his gun.

"One... Two... Three," Jason counted. The pair quickly moved towards the hole and shone their lights in, weapons poised to strike.

Y/N sobbed, curling up tighter with her head pressed into the crook of her arm as she held her blood-stained hand up.

"Oh, fuck," Jason muttered, lowering his gun, "Y/N? Is that you in there, sweetheart? It's Lieutenant Kolchek," He said softly.

Her head slowly lifted, she blinked at the brightness of their lights. Y/N was sitting on the ground in a spot just large enough to fit her body with her knees pulled tightly to her chest.

Tear tracks cut through the dirt and blood on her cheeks, "Put that thing down would ya?" Jason ordered, reaching out and pushing Salim's arm down to angle the beam of his flashlight onto the ground.

"Jason?" Y/N asked quietly, Jason squatted down to see her better.

"Yeah, it's me, darlin'. Think you can come out of there for me?" He asked.

She slowly released her legs, shifting onto her knees and crawling through the short but narrow tunnel towards the entrance to the hallway, "There you go, just a little farther, sweetheart," Jason coached, reaching in for her to take his hand.

He smiled when she finally placed her hand in his, brushing his thumb across her knuckles reassuringly. Jason helped her climb out of the wall, standing up and pulling her to her feet with him.

She immediately pressed herself against his chest, wrapping her arms around him as more tears rolled down her cheeks. Jason wrapped his arm around her, his other hand resting on the back of her head.

He buried his fingers in her hair, holding her tightly, "You're okay, I've got ya," He assured softly, hand rubbing over her back as she trembled.

"She's bleeding," Salim stated, shining his flashlight at her side.

The material of her shirt that was visible below her bulletproof vest was soaked with her blood, "Let me get a look at you, sweetheart," Jason pulled away, looking down at her.

The side of her vest was shredded, deep claw marks slicing through the fabric and into her flesh, "They got you good, huh?" He asked, she shook her head stiffly and wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

"I'm okay," She said.

"Knew you were a tough cookie," Jason smiled.

Jason's eyes flickered up to her hairline, noticing the blood on her skin. Jason reached out, taking her chin between his thumb and forefinger as he tilted her head up, "You hit your head?" He asked, the feeling of ice cold guilt settling in his stomach like a stone.

"When I fell," Y/N said.

"You're feelin' okay though?" He asked, eyes flickering over her body.

"Yeah," She said with a sniff, pressing herself closer to his side.

Salim leaned into the split in the wall, shining his flashlight inside, "My god," He muttered.

"What?" Jason asked, "You need to see this," Salim stepped out of the way, the beam of his flashlight still shining into the wall.

Jason stepped over, "What am I lookin' at?" He questioned, squinting into the divided rock.

"The walls," Salim said.

Jason felt the blood drain from his face when he finally noticed the claw marks carved deep into the rock on either side of the narrow passageway, "Holy shit," Jason muttered, he turned towards Y/N.

Her arms were wrapped loosely around herself as she watched them silently, "Did one of those fuckers try to get you in there? Is that-" He let out a huff, trying to calm himself down.

"Is that how they hurt you?" Jason asked.

"I didn't move back far enough," She mumbled.

"Fuck. I am so fuckin' sorry, sweetheart," Jason said, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her body against his chest in a tight embrace.

She shook her head, wrapping her arms around his neck, "It's not your fault, Jason," She assured, voice muffled against his shoulder.

"I swear to God that I will get you out of here, alright? I'm not lettin' you die down here, baby," Jason declared.

#house of ashes #jason kolchek #jason kolchek x reader #dark pictures anthology #dark pictures house of ashes #jason kolchek x female reader #jason kolchek x you #jason kolchek imagine #eric king #rachel king

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readingreylo · 1 year

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The best Reylo Fanfics I read in 2022

(Not necessarily written in 2022)

My 2021 wrap up was such a hit I thought I would do another one! While I didn't read nearly as many fanfics this year, I did discover a few new authors whose bodies of work are just *chef kiss*.

(Don't forget to check out my All Time Favourite Fic list and my pinned post with all my rec lists!)

And in no particular order...

Similar Creatures by quamquam20 | @quamquam20 | Explicit | 36k | Complete | Historical AU | 1700s | Venice | Pretty Woman retelling | Sex worker!Rey | Mafioso/enforcer!Ben | "no kissing on the mouth" | Angst | HEA | Multi POV | "As the Hammer of the Medici, Benjamin Solatti has a lot of practice crushing dreams and wringing every coin from nearly empty pockets. Sent to Venice to collect on a debt, he doesn’t have time for pleasure. Nobody knows the winding alleys and canals of Venice quite like someone who works them. So when street-smart Rey notices a lost Florentine noble, she’s more than happy to offer her services. Worlds apart, they lead very different lives. Brought together by chance and an irresistible proposition, those same differences might be what tear them apart when their time runs out."

Happenchance by PurpleSugarQuills | @purplesugarquills | Explicit | 5k | Oneshot | Modern AU | Office Party | Mistaken Indentity | Mention of sex work | Rey POV | "When Rose hires an escort to be Rey’s date for their company’s fundraising event, Rey’s livid. Until… Well, until she spots him in the hotel’s lobby. Tall and gorgeous, with dark hair nearly brushing the collar of the suit he fills out sinfully well. Maybe Rey doesn’t hate Rose. Maybe she should write Rose a thank you note. Or, Rey thinks Ben is an escort. Ben is not an escort."

Here's to more amazing fics in 2023!🥂

#reylo #reylo fanfiction #reylo au #reylo fic rec #jess made something

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sleepstxtic · 2 months

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hi there! hello!

i'm kat (she/her) and you can find my work on AO3 under sleepstxtic. i'm so excited that you're here <3

if you wish to translate/create art/make a podfic/remix my works, there's nothing I'd love more. this is your blanket permission to create anything you'd like with my fics (as long as you tag/link back to me so i can take a look at it and squeal with you).

i am a strong proponent of SALS, YKINMK, and DLDR, and i also mod @hp-abandonshipfest, @hpdrizzle, and the @thorki-secretsanta

below is a sampler of my writing <3

desertion | explicit | 8.9k | feyd-rautha harkonnen/paul atreides “I found him on the drumsand, four kilometres from here,” Stilgar was saying. “He has a crysknife.” or Feyd travels to Arrakis to hunt for Paul among the Fremen.

the other golden path | explicit | 4.6k | feyd-rautha harkonnen/paul atreides “A dual consummation?” Chani asked Princess Irulan, horrified.

“A dual,��public consummation,” Paul added, rubbing his eyes mournfully as Feyd-Rautha reached a hand to lift up Paul’s chin, and winked.

all the ways | teen | 3.1k all the ways it could have happened

he loves me, he loves me not | teen | 5.7k astoria watches her husband fall in love with harry potter.

a love that knows of itself | mature | 7k after an accidental bonding, harry is forced to confront some longstanding feelings concerning a certain unspeakable.

connecting lines, connecting crimes | mature | 15k magic is going haywire after ley lines all over the world are mysteriously failing. a cross-border task force is set up by the league of wixen nations with expert cartologist draco malfoy and ley line specialist pansy parkinson being called in from britain to work with magi-geographers harry potter and parvati patil in india. but can they get to the root of the issue before it's too late? featuring: an excessive use of holograms, numerous references to food, and lots and lots (and lots!) of travel.

rush (for a gap that exists) | explicit | 42k a story of love and loss that grew amidst the most infamous rivalry in formula one history: the story of draco malfoy and harry potter.

the pirc defence | explicit | 10k they were rivals, and they were lovers, and they were the greatest chess players of their generation. exactly in that order.

whispers on a hill | helga hufflepuff/rowena ravenclaw | teen | 1k the river-moist wind blew cold and blunt as if straight from the mouth of ullr himself and, up in the valley plucking crowberry leaves sat two witches, deep in thought.

one or the other | narcissa black/dorcas meadowes & dorcas meadowes/marlene mckinnon | explicit | 3.3k dorcas becomes a murderer at eight o' clock on a friday night.

the last trial of peter pettigrew | peter pettigrew/james potter | mature | 20k | peter pettigrew must answer for his crimes on earth in a purgatory-stye court presided over by the overseer. a slew of characters from his life will be brought to the stand to testify either for or against him. he will be represented by his lawyer - hermione granger. a jury will decide upon his guilt.

strangers in a strange land | the four founders | teen | 7.5k helga, salazar, and godric dock in a strange land looking for the elusive fourth member of their team.

will you send me to hogwarts? | general audiences | 600 words a letter to the patil twins from their mother.

all the time in the world | roger federer/rafael nadal | mature | 5.6k roger has a choice to make, but time is running out.

my enemy, my proxy, my love | roger federer/rafael nadal | mature 4.4k “he is good substitute for you,” rafa’d once said, laughing. the statement had sounded uncomfortably like a truth waiting to crystallise. and then rafa had elbowed him lightly, smiling in that helplessly endearing way of his, and roger had cast it out of his mind immediately. it returns to him now, like a half-healed wound cut open again.

enough love | novak djokovic/andy murray | explicit | 2k the night before roger's retirement, andy and novak meet in london.

(the most) hopeless romantic | naomi osaka/iga swiatek | teen | 5k "i want to play her," she confided to kaja, later. "on the hard court i would like to."

“sure,” kaja said with a mischievous quirk of her mouth. “you want to play her.”

at the end of time | thor/loki | mature | 1k at the end of time, loki reminisces.

#sleepstxtic writes #drarry #hp femslash #tennis rpf #thorki #sleepstxtic masterpost

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nukashine · 1 year

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Hii! Hope you're well! I love your art, and I really love the Veronica one too. Its gorgeous.

That got me thinking- I really like your take on the clothing-So...

How would you redesign Veronica's clothing?

first off, thank you so much! :D it truly makes my day to know that folks like my art, i sincerely appreciate it.

secondly, this is such a good question that i hadn't really thought about before now, but it was very fun to come up with a concept! forgive me for it being so rough, i did this very fast lol.

but here she is, a quick concept that i think, with some refining, could be pretty neat!

some notes on my design choices under the cut

i think she'd actually be less conspicuous if she wasn't in her very unique robes, so the outfit as a whole is meant to make her look more like the average scavenger.

pockets. many of them. as a Procurement Specialist™, i think she could use more storage space on her person! so i gave her a belt and chest strap with little pockets, cargo pants, and a satchel.

i thought about changing her palette, but realized that i actually like the brown tones, especially because of the desert region. so i kept that pretty consistent. though i imagine that as she travels with the courier, she'd start to switch up her palette.

i'm very partial to designs where the pant legs are tucked into boots. not just for the aesthetic, but also for the practicality.

you know i had to keep that hood tho. it's a very iconic part of her look in my opinion, so it had to be incorporated.

thank you so much for asking, this was a fun little exercise for me! :D i'd love to hear any concepts you have for our gal here, too!

#artemisagapetos #fallout #fallout new vegas #fnv #veronica santangelo #art #flart #mail time

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qnewslgbtiqa · 16 days

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'Save the queen': Priscilla, Queen of the Desert bus found

New Post has been published on https://qnews.com.au/save-the-queen-priscilla-queen-of-the-desert-bus-found/

'Save the queen': Priscilla, Queen of the Desert bus found

After 30 years, the original bus from The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert has been found and will undergo an extensive restoration for permanent inclusion in a museum.

Priscilla is celebrating its 30th birthday this year. The film premiered in 1994 and later became not just a queer classic but a crossover sensation. The film won an Oscar for its iconic costumes.

Now the History Trust of South Australia has started a campaign as it takes on a massive restoration job to restore the bus.

The trust has bought Priscilla, a 1976 Hino Freighter bus, after she was discovered in a paddock of a property in the town of Ewingar in the Northern Rivers Region of New South Wales.

Director Stephan Elliott said after filming ended, nobody knew where the original Priscilla ended up.

But for the last 16 years, she’s resided in the country town, left to the elements and falling into disrepair.

Somehow, the bus escaped without extensive fire damage following bushfires in the area a few years ago.

Stephan Elliott ‘gave up hope’ of finding bus

Stephan Elliott has backed the History Trust’s plan to “save the queen” and restore Priscilla.

“We had heard so many rumours about where she had ended up. We had given up hope of finding her again,” Stephan explained.

When the owner of the Northern Rivers property contacted the History Trust of South Australia, everyone had to know, was it really Priscilla?

The Trust’s curators went to find out. Stephan Elliott confirmed the authenticity of the bus by identifying remnants of the interior decor.

“I really want to thank the History Trust for making this amazing discovery and bringing Priscilla back to life,” Stephan said.

“The film seems to carry through generations. This is a chance for possibly many more generations to feel its message of love, tolerance and living your true self every day.”

Priscilla’s restoration will take at least 12 months

Now, Priscilla is in Queensland. A specialist coachwork repairer in Brisbane is finalising the scope of the restoration works.

The History Trust of South Australia expects Priscilla’s repair and restoration to take 12 to 18 months.

They’ve called out for donations in addition to support for the project from the South Australian government.

Once restored, Priscilla will make herself at home in Birdwood’s National Motor Museum. The museum is planning an immersive exhibition on the film’s cultural and social impact.

History Trust of South Australia CEO Greg Mackie said in 1994, Priscilla was “released into a world still grappling with the impact of HIV/AIDS”.

“It immediately became a symbol of survival, the importance of love and respect, and of embracing of difference,” he said.

“The History Trust of South Australia intends to restore Priscilla to roadworthy condition for special outings, and to authentically render to its interior the glamorous over-the-top camp of the 1994 movie.

“Even in the 21st century, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert speaks to audiences of the virtues of respect for diversity and the great Aussie larrikin tendency for irreverence.

“Priscilla Queen of the Desert has earned the affectionate regard of a majority of Australians over the last 30 years by affirming the place of road adventures in our national culture.

“Where better for this icon than at Australia’s National Motor Museum?”

youtube

More on Priscilla:

Broken Heel Festival is celebrating Priscilla’s 30th birthday

‘They booed’: Stephan Elliot recalls horror first Priscilla screening

‘Hire locals’: Outrage over RuPaul’s Drag Race stars’ Priscilla shoot

For the latest LGBTIQA+ Sister Girl and Brother Boy news, entertainment, community stories in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.

#northern rivers #priscilla queen of the desert #Queer film

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necromancy-enthusiast · 7 months

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In Pokemon Shield I'm on Opal's gym aka the 5th gym, and I love how all of the gym leaders I've encountered so far have been based in towns that are very fitting for them based on their type specialization and personal aesthetic, but then you get to the 4th gym, whose leader changes depending on whether you're played Sword or Shield, and they clearly went 'uhhh crap we have a ghost or a fighting type gym here, how on earth are we going to find an aesthetic that bridges those types???' and they went 'fuck it, desert'. I mean I love deserts, it's just weird how divorced Allister and Bea both feel from the setting of their town when everyone else fits into theirs so well. I wonder if it'll feel as jarring when I get to Melony since she's also a version exclusive gym leader and has to share with her rock type specialist son.

I like Allister and ghost types are my favorite overall but I almost would've rather had a ground type gym leader in both versions.

#necro plays pokemon

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tomorrowusa · 8 months

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Need an OBGYN? Good luck finding one easily in a red state!

In conservative states, care delays largely stem from the fallout of the Dobbs decision last summer when the supreme court revoked the constitutional right to abortion. Facing possible lawsuits for providing abortion care, OB-GYNs in Texas, Florida, Idaho and elsewhere are choosing to relocate to more liberal states, while medical students are opting for other fields entirely. “Florida has become a place where it is unsustainable to be an OB-GYN,” said Stephanie Ros, a maternal fetal medicine specialist at the University of South Florida who, until recently, ran the school’s OB-GYN residency program. For years, the program was among the nation’s top schools for abortion training, and was found on the prestigious Ryan list of the best family planning residency programs. But after the state banned most abortions after six weeks of pregnancy, the designation was revoked. Applicant numbers subsequently declined dramatically, as skilled candidates took their talents elsewhere.

Ron DeSantis with his extremist agenda is turning Florida into a women's healthcare desert. Sadly, the same is also true in other states with hardline Republican governors.

In a national survey, 60% of medical students said they were unlikely to apply for residency in a restrictive state. “States with stringent abortion laws won’t align with my goals as a future OB-GYN,” said Rohini Kousalya Siva, president of the American Medical Student Association. “If young doctors want to … get the skills they need, then they have to go to states where they can access [abortion] training.” Verda J Hicks, president of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, described the trend as cause for concern about the “next generation of OB-GYNs”. Notably, fewer residents means fewer doctors on the floor. To remedy that vacuum, USF hired locum doctors, who Ros described as “the substitute teachers of the doctor world”. Still, routine care appointments at USF are significantly pushed back. In August, the earliest a new patient could book a prenatal visit was November. “We have people who … don’t get their first ultrasound until 30 weeks, because they just can’t get in,” she said. [ ... ]

When chronic diseases are not managed as well, the overall risk of any pregnancy goes up, explained Erika Werner, chair of obstetrics and gynecology at Tufts medical center in Boston. “If you don’t have your first visit until 14 weeks, you don’t have the same access to prenatal testing. You may not have an early ultrasound that reveals a major structural problem,” she said.

It's ironic that Republicans are eager to turn women into baby making machines but are making it impossible to get proper prenatal care.

Women seeking reproductive care are heading to blue states and are putting a strain on services there.

Even parts of the country without abortion bans are struggling to keep up with care needs. Christina Han, the director of maternal fetal medicine at UCLA in California, pointed to the influx of out-of-state patients seeking abortion care and how it stretches the workforce thin. Han specializes in complex procedures like multifetal reduction – an operation that must be completed early in pregnancy. That time crunch means that if a patient travels to LA for urgent reproductive care, which Han says is happening with increased frequency, the hospital has to defer local patients’ scheduled operations, including terminations, that are not as time sensitive. “We have to tell our patient who is struggling with a miscarriage … that we just can’t get them in. And that is an emotional, physical burden for these patients,” said Han. Werner, who also chairs the Society for Maternal Fetal Medicine’s health policy and advocacy committee, explained that this displacement effect is especially pronounced in states that directly border those with restrictive policies, and are now receiving the lion’s share of out-of-state patients. In Pennsylvania, which borders West Virginia, Stolfer remembers thinking about women in other states as she awaited care for her miscarriage. “It was one way that I was trying to make peace with how long it was taking,” she said.

Being an OBGYN was stressful even before the Republican SCOTUS decision in Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health Organization.

For years, studies have predicted that population rise paired with an ageing workforce would lead to gaps in women’s healthcare. Ruth Crystal of Stanford University also points to the high risk for medical malpractice litigation and demands for long and irregular hours as factors that steer people away from the field. “OB care is a 24-hour-a-day job,” she said. “Babies don’t come only between banking hours.”

So Republicans have made an already difficult job nearly impossible in some areas. As a result, maternal mortality rates are growing in the African-American community.

Nationwide, 36% of counties are maternity care deserts, meaning they lack any obstetric care facilities or providers, explains Amanda Williams, clinical innovations adviser at Stanford University’s California Quality of Care Collaborative. The affected populations are also disproportionately people of color, people with lower incomes and people in rural areas – groups that already face care inequities. In the US, Black women are experiencing soaring maternal mortality rates. “All of these things compound for poor maternal health outcomes,” said Williams. “When patients give birth in these maternity deserts, they have higher rates of preterm births and maternal deaths.” [ ... ] Werner believes the most critical fix is abolishing restrictive abortion laws and creating “parity across all states”. “It’s only when it comes to OB-GYN care that what you can get in one state is different than what you can get in another,” she said. “That just forever means that we’re going to have unequal care in different states.”

#dobbs v. jackson women's health organization #obgyn #shortage of obgyns in red states #women's healthcare #abortion #florida #republicans #the gop #the republican scotus #a woman's right to choose #the sanctity of reproductive freedom

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slavonicrhapsody · 10 months

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do you think Iron Virgins have like, a pit crew or something. Like their maintenance has to involve both a mechanical expert and also probably a snake specialist 🤔 the snake people in volcano manor could take care of the snake parts, but then who does adjustments to the other parts. They're perfectly balanced on an orb foot and have to be able to balance while shooting giant anchor spikes, I'm just wondering who in volcano manor is the engineer

tbh I don’t think anyone is doing maintenance on these things, and the reason why I think so is because all but one of them have lost the ability to transport their victims, and since the only one with the intact enchantment is in a super out-of-the-way spot below Raya Lucaria, I think the enchantment might wear off the more they use it... so basically almost none of them are at their full power anymore.

If someone were doing maintenance on the abductor virgins though, I think the man-serpents would actually be more than capable of working on their mechanical parts as well, since we know that they crafted the three magic magma weapons — the Magma Blade, the Magma Whip Candlestick, and probably the Gelmir Glintstone staff:

“An armament of the man-serpents, impossible for a human to have made.”(Magma Blade)

I bet after Rykard created them, the man-serpents were somehow trained in combat, sorcery, and craftsmanship, since it seems like they were intended to replace all the humans who deserted him after he snakeified himself. How did they learn that stuff? I have no idea. Maybe Rykard taught them himself? Maybe the Godskins taught them? Who knows. But we know it wasn’t any human, because:

“She [Tanith] was the only human to remain by his side when he became the serpent of blasphemy.” (Consort’s Robe)

Essentially, there’s no one besides the man-serpents and Tanith on the Manor’s staff anymore!

#elden ring #rykard #ghiza does invade us and we know he invented ghiza’s wheel but i doubt he’s actually physically there #and he might not even actually be alive #plus his presence would contradict the statement that no human stayed loyal to rykard but tanith #asks

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thebiscuiteternal · 6 days

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SCOTUS To Debate Whether States Can Ban Life-Saving Abortions | HuffPost Latest News

“Before August of 2022, we practiced medicine and acted as quickly as possible to preserve the mom’s health and future reproductive capacity,” Souza said, referring to when the trigger ban went into effect.

“Since then, there’s a lot of second-guessing and hand-wringing: Is she sick enough? Is she bleeding enough? Is she septic enough? For me to do this abortion and not risk going to jail and losing my license. And when the guessing game gets too uncomfortable, we transfer the patients out, at a very high cost, to another state where the doctors are allowed to practice medicine.”

Due to the threat of criminal and civil punishment facing physicians, the state has lost nearly a quarter of its OB-GYNs and 55% of its maternal fetal health specialists, according to Rubel, the state House Minority Leader. Three maternity wards have shut down, and Idaho has become one of the largest maternal health care deserts in the country.

Idaho has also seen a 50% drop in applicants for OB-GYNs to come to the state, Rubel said.

#this shit makes me stress nauseous #and i can't even get pregnant anymore

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nokingsonlyfooles · 3 months

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I Dunno What to Do

CW: I'm going to add a picture of a burn one of my healthcare providers gave me, just to express what's going on in general. I'll put everything under a cut.

Tonight, over a phone appointment (because she doesn't think I'm complicated enough to need an in-person appointment) the gynecologist flat out told me that thyroid and estrogen do not interact with each other (not true), that because I had a total hysterectomy I produce "no hormones" and when I sputtered and said I produce lots of hormones, she clarified that I produce no estrogen or progesterone (also not true), and she doesn't deal with anything other than "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness." That is not the nature of my symptoms - I am experiencing pain, and I told her that more than once, but I didn't get any traction until I started saying, "hot flashes, night sweats and vaginal dryness" like she wanted. The spouse thought I should make a point of reiterating that my symptoms are atypical, but she cut me off before I could even start.

It's really convenient that I have three doctors "working together" (ha-ha) on this, because nothing is ever any one doctor's responsibility. It's always someone else's problem. I said, "The progesterone helped my pain but increased my anxiety." She said, "Progesterone decreases anxiety." (Once again, not true. It can, but it can also make anxiety worse.) "That sounds like it could be something to do with your thyroid. Until you stabilize your thyroid, we won't know which symptoms are caused by what." I couldn't tell her that my thyroid meds have been stable since last September and the only thing that changed was the progesterone. I physically couldn't - if you cut me off enough times and keep saying things that don't make any sense, my words'll dry up like a wash in the desert - but I don't think it would've made any difference if I handed the phone to the spouse and let him explain. Not a good difference.

Then, in the end, she told me to stop increasing and decreasing my dosage trying to feel better, because it would mess with my thyroid and... I was the one who said that. I contradicted her when she said my thyroid had nothing to do with her. But when she wanted to control my behaviour, she threw it back in my face like she knew and I didn't.

I know my pain is increased and decreased by the hormones I'm taking, because I've been taking various combinations of hormones for years now. No estrogen or progesterone at all, which happened during the early days of the pandemic, caused the worst pain imaginable. I couldn't wear a shirt. I was taping my breasts and wearing sports bras two sizes too small just to keep them compressed and out of the way so nothing would touch them. I did that so much the tape cut my skin. Estrogen and progesterone lessen that pain, but I still have pain.

I've changed the way I carry my whole body and sleep because of this pain. I am always hunching to protect my stupid tits, and I don't reach across my upper body or hold things against my chest or let people hug me, even when I have a good day and they don't hurt so much. I'm that used to it. Because I'm not getting consistent care. And this tortured posture is contributing to my shoulder pain. Now that I've managed to wring estrogen AND progesterone out of this reluctant doctor ("You don't need progesterone unless you have a uterus. It'll make your breast pain worse. You might gain weight." *pointed look*) it hurts less, and I tripped over some exercises that are helping, but my shoulder has been hurting for years now too.

And that brings me back to my family doctor, who is supposed to take the lead and coordinate all these things, and who, in fact, gatekept me from a hormone specialist of any kind for over a year, and then referred me to these people who don't listen and don't seem to understand very basic things about hormones. At least, the gynecologist doesn't - or she's trying to dumb it down so much that she's not making any sense. I hold out some small hope the endocrinologist will see reason if I sit down and explain what's going on, but I won't see him again until March.

But, the very first referral I got from my family doctor was for the shoulder pain. He sent me to a chiropractor. She did multiple adjustments that made my shoulder numb, and burned my back with the TENS unit, probably by using dirty pads or failing to clean my skin before applying them.

Oh, and she didn't tell me. She sent me home, and I noticed the stabbing pain in my shoulder seemed a bit worse. When I looked in the bathroom mirror, I saw this:

I took a picture so I could show her, but I decided not to go back. I went to the family doctor and said, "That chiropractor you sent me to burned my back with the TENS unit" and the response was *crickets*. A blank look and it was back to "prescribing" me more herbs and supplements. He didn't even look at it.

I have scar tissue back there now, and nerve damage that's making it harder to address the original issue. I tried to get healthcare, I didn't ask the right questions or push back hard enough, and I got hurt even worse. Story of my life.

He's still pressuring me to take "sea kelp" because "it has trace minerals." It also has iodine. Lots of it. I told him I wasn't going to take any more iodine because the endocrinologist he sent me to told me it could shut down my thyroid. So now he's telling me to take sea kelp for trace minerals, like I couldn't possibly remember the iodine part. No, I'm not that stupid. I went along with the herbs for a while, too long, because that was the only thing he was offering me, and traditional medicine hadn't helped much at that point. No, turns out I didn't need unregulated OTC supplements, I needed to keep making a pest of myself until I got some real medicine. And I'm still doing that.

I just want to get better. It's hard enough putting in the effort to get better when I've gone through so much medical neglect and so many problems have piled up without being addressed. But I can't put all my energy into self care, or even most of it. I gotta fight my doctors, and do research, and piss them off by questioning their judgment again and again and again.

I suspect my family doctor is al the root of this. He doesn't care, and he refers me to other doctors who don't care. (Except the vision specialist, I found her myself. But the problem with her is, my eye thing is so uncommon most optometrists don't know about it. So I'm stuck with her too.) But I can't get rid of him unless I move to another city... or find another family doctor who's taking new patients, but there aren't any. And the clinics that fill prescriptions and do referrals won't treat me behind his back. I went to one. I tried. "You have a family doctor, he knows you better." No, he doesn't. And if he keeps treating me this way, he's gonna kill me. Or one of 'em is.

I've had doctors try to kill me before. One of 'em got me to take a dose of iron that would've put me in the hospital if a random pharmacist hadn't caught it and told me to stop. This here Canadian healthcare is the best I've ever gotten.

And, oh my god, that is terrifying.

I'm going to make an in-person appointment with the endocrinologist and lay it on the line for him: "This is what's happening. I'm getting contradictory treatment from three sources and my life is in danger. I don't have the authority to sort you out. If you can't take charge of this mess, no one else will." But if that doesn't work, or if he cuts me off before I even say it and goes, "I only treat thyroids" I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I don't like that so much of the fallout lands on my spouse. He lost someone due to this kinda neglect and I do not like hammering his trauma buttons. So I'm venting here, but I don't like doing that either. My problems are so persistent and so stupid that I sound like a scam artist or a nut. (Look, they dropped Agent Orange on my dad and didn't tell him until I was in my thirties. That's at least one big reason my body doesn't work right. I didn't even have a chance.) And he's gonna read this and get upset anyway.

But this is how I'm best able to say things, in text, and I need to say it. Maybe if I practice it here, I'll be able to explain it better to the endocrinologist. Or maybe someone'll see it and tell me some Canadian method of getting rid of an awful doctor that I'm unaware of. Other than waiting for him to get disbarred or die, ya know?

This is essentially the situation I grew up in: the people who are supposed to take care of me don't want to, but they're going to smile and say they are, and any problems I may be having are all my own fault. If I want care, I gotta steal it like Coyote grabbing fire off the gods. 'Cos I need that shit to live. But that takes so much social engineering and effort and I'm so damn tired. I'm not a Trickster or a Hero. I'm hurt. I've been hurt a long time. I ain't never gonna be "normal" but what I've managed to claw out of this broke-ass system proves that I can get better.

If they'd only let me.

#health stuff #healthcare #or the lack thereof #doctors #canada #cw: injury #maybe body horror too i dunno #vent #trying to stay hopeful #oh boy but i'm running out of options #this is more than i've ever had but i'd like to be better instead of less worse #and the difference between those is care

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