#so just cutting off at 2016 because im lazy

[saitolover]

🐱 jumin’s route thoughts!

note that it’s been a few days since ive completed these endings / dlc so my memory might be a bit shaky of the entirety of them. i have some screenshots to go off of but that’s it lol. these are just some of my random thoughts and such that i have about jumin’s route when coming back after many years into the game again.

the reason i originally chose specifically to do jumin’s was because 1. i only have time for one route due to college, & 2. i remembered that he and zen were my favs back then. originally i was going to also write about the bad ending 2 & dlc but i lazy! lmao.

tldr; this is just my personal thoughts as i went through jumin’s route, feel free to add / comment anything. ^_^ i talk a lot about his character/past/actions, kinda like an analysis but not really since i am a dumbass & might be incorrect about some things. but in conclusion, jumin is very Complex character and can have some 🚩 tbh but he is very much still my little scrumgus i love jumin So Much. <3 he needs some tlc, a big hug, and also therapy. past me had great taste.

long thoughts under the cut! spoilers ahead for jumin’s route & slight spoilers for his bad ending/dlc.

📱COMMON ROUTE

just wanted to say, it was extremely nostalgic to open up the game again after many years! i first started playing in 2016 (!!) but probably played again during quarantine in 2020ish (cannot remember). i came back in honestly not knowing ANYTHING about what would happen in jumin’s route. my memories are extremely shaky abt the game other than the main plot points involving v, rika, seven, & saeran. but my knowledge still was kinda low lol.

v’s birthday art is super pretty btw!! loved the homescreen image of it. the max speed feature is very nice, i probably should buy it since it’s only $3 but oh well. maybe if im really into the game? anyways, chatting in the messenger again is so weird lol it’s such a throwback and i definitely missed these guys’ shenanigans. literally zen complimenting himself so much was hilarious for some reason?? 😭 yoosung being a relatable college student, me feeling so bad for jaehee <3 girl does not deserve to be overworked like this all the time ?!?! and jaehee also complimenting zen’s looks as well as being his biggest fan LMAO. seven doing seven things (do not need to explain further). and jumin being the more serious and cold guy who also loves his cat and doing whatever he wanted sometimes. and saying random shit HAHA. which is sometimes a personality i would like in otome games (See: Saito). so im here like hm, i think i see why past me liked jumin! he probably warmed up to the mc and got really cute and romantic or something? and not at the way everyone kept on saying jumin might be “androgynous” LIKE you guys. do you mean aromantic or ???

📱 JUMIN’S MAIN ROUTE

okay first of all: sorry in advance if theres some random gaps between what im writing/events im talking about. idk i only have some screenshots to work off of and what i remember with my bad memory? but moving on, here’s my thoughts as i went on with jumin’s route.

okay, so glam choi and sarah are a thing in the story now. jumin is just annoyed - seems like he’s only encountered women who try to take advantage of him / only try to speak with him as if theyre wanting to get something in return, like money, as i believe the story framed? and how he was genuinely sad about his father trying to make him get into a marriage, especially because he was one of the only ones who had treated him with “love” in a way where he wasnt having a relationship where an exchange or reward would always be expected. his past with his mother (which i will might talk about more eventually) also shows how jumin has been raised to be more methodical and just. like a robot honestly, raised with no love and any time to express his emotions after being so… emotionless? he was never really taught that feeling, and ig it could be difficult to “teach” if he’s never really experienced much love or time to find times where he could be happy, sad, etc. etc. when he’s at home all the time surrounded with expectations and studies to prepare to become a ceo. okay kinda went off and mentioned the dlc anyways, but whatever. there’s a lot more to jumin’s character, which makes him complex imo and although i dont think i’ll be able to cover everything, just wanted to say that there’s been a lot going on for him, but it still cant completely excuse his actions at times!

and please note this is just my opinion on a fictional character, i would be glad to hear any thoughts anyone reading this has <3 this is a little personal analysis/thought post and there could (and could be a high chance) that i am wrong about some things! :] so take what i say with a grain of salt bc tbh im writing this all in one try and probably wont reread what i have, mainly a big fat ramble / word dump here!

i remember lowkey being confused about how fast mc & jumin’s relationship escalated at first bc it went from yeah just casually chatting in the casual route to everyone saying that mc has been the one causing jumin to smile more, to speak out more openly about his actual emotions for once, etc. but im not complaining, i still loved how jumin would say he would call mc just to hear their voice, saying it would calm him down and feel better. and other stuff along those lines. also why is his deep voice so hot.

biggest and greatest shoutout to jaehee being the best employee ever??? like, she’s been working overtime ALL THE TIME, doing extra work for jumin like researching about the scandals, having to reschedule things after jumin acts unreasonable 💀 while trying to keep everything in order. she deserves a raise, a promotion, a break, a vacation. like, i am picking every option that is defending her or telling her to take a break or that she’s doing great!!! i love jaehee and i hate to see how she never gets rest or food :[ not healthy, i was SO GLAD that she was able to finally get a vacay at the end of jumin’s route, but now im like, girl deserves to quit honestly if she was constantly treated like that at work 😭 which im glad it what happened in her route, which also makes me want to play her route next but i have no time. and now i will shut up and continue writing.

okay, so i remember i was kinda loving jumin again at this point lol. i remember just liking how he became more romantic & the times where he would be jealous. a lot of the phone calls he had were also great, and it was cute that he made pancakes for breakfast, & how he read a bedtime story like. pretty cute stuff!

LMAO and then i was like hm the red flags are kinda showing! but i am a bull and i love chasing red flags! jumin wanting mc to only look at him - you got it sir. possessive jumin! the kiss scene was surprising - honestly very unexpected bc he just kissed mc so randomly ??? at least he said that he was originally thinking of asking mc for permission or something like that? but yeah soap opera scene that i was like hm. then he was like “you can suck in all my emotions. you can be mine.” and i was like. oh. elizabeth’s disappearance is REALLY gonna make a difference here, huh. for the first time, jumin realized that he never really had someone like mc before? jk, he had rika and v with him back then where he was also open to them, but i feel like the biggest thing was how vulnerable jumin was atm? like, he’s in this fight with his father, who he had always been close to. rika and v are both not around to consult with. elizabeth had gone missing. he was beginning to refuse to listen to rta members and instead begin to protect who he had left, similar to the way he had described how he felt better after seeing elizabeth in a cage as opposed to when she was walking freely. he definitely needs to speak to a therapist himself. but without support from others, it probably was what he saw as one of the only solutions he can turn to? this was the first time he’s started to really open up and speak about his feelings bc he’s always just. never had a chance to be able to express them or be able to explain them ?! never really was taught these things, though it seems like he was also aware that it wasn’t right. lots of things going on showing that yeah, he definitely was not doing okay emotionally in the first place, pretty much!

this is kinda getting long now?? and im a bit lazy to continue writing so much more, so ill stop rambling too much and cover more. the way jumin was getting extremely possessive too was worrying like 🫢🚩 he really said we have everything in this penthouse! stay here forever and ill protect you from the outside world and its dangers! let me own you! and i was like sure, take me away when i did the bad ending. sorry for indulging ? BUT DAMN it was very unsettling to see him say that he would OWN mc like ??? ayo what!

and then all the rfa members were like ah. hopefully jumin is having a Very Healthy And Normal relationship as they speak in the chat room. while jumin and mc enjoy a nice dinner with jumin speaking about how great it would be for mc to stay home and try on all the things he had for her while never returning to the apartment! day 2 with jumin on his home - any way out? who knows! zen rlly was like. GET MC OUT OF THERE.

everything that happened in jumin’s route was just ESCALATING 📈📈📈 okok but from my screenshots, it begins to show how jumin is like. Yeah. i am pretty Bad and Dark for doing this and having all these thoughts that he doesn’t really know how to address ? emotions that he’s never had before coming out like hello! and he’s like, wtf do i do with you guys? he’s having a hard time out here. very open to mc who is, atm, the only one who could help him sort out his emotions & depending on the choices you choose, could really determine what jumin ends up doing with his emotions and how much he can control them? and like, mc can either feed into a more healthy relationship where jumin begins to feel like he does deserve love and that these feelings might stem from how little he felt in the past. or mc could feed into a much harmful/toxic relationship as seen in the bad ending. !!! very interesting huh. also shows how much jumin has begun to depend on mc after everything that happened in these last like. two days.

now im like 💀 this is the most ive ever written for a review so far yet, i literally just dumped out some random thoughts i had on 4 hours of sleep, and i should def be sleeping rn!! but it’s okay!! sorry if i wrote anything that doesn’t make sense in these last paragraphs ??? i wont cover the seven and yoosung at mint eye hq to save time/space.

on a more light hearted note: yay!!! jaehee finally gets her vacation!!! jaehee gets justice!!! also watching zen and jumin bicker in the chat room is honestly one of the most hilarious things in this game. jumin in the chat room with mc plus another member usually ends up with the member becoming a third wheel and also very annoyed when jumin and mc are like i miss you <3 you’re so cute <3 ily <3 and every single rfa member is absolutely begging them to just privately message each other at this point lmao. AND NOT @ JUMIN HAVING THE WHOLE MARRIAGE THEME GOING ON HIS RFA ACCOUNT???! 😭😭😭 but i would happily marry jumin. so yeah at this point it was pretty much guaranteed i was getting the good ending, didnt get the bad ending during the route so we are here with jumin being very romantic in the chat room! 🫢

💙 JUMIN’S GOOD ENDING

homestretch! we made it to day 11 of the party!! the new home screen again is sooo cute. i didn't know they changed it up when it's party day! also looking at everyone, realized that jumin is So Cute. i love his looks. just a very handsome guy. love him for that. i am going to make this extremely short because i am now tired of doing all of this analysis and deep thinking. i want to make funnies of jumin and my headcannons of him now. scrumgus. i don't even know if that's the right word i'm thinking of but the energy scrumgus gives describes my love for jumin yay! it was nice seeing the rfa meet mc for the first time in person, and it was also great that the entire party was voiced! it felt weird hearing them talk tbh its like. i only know their voices from their little emojis. and the occasional phone calls. okay but that is getting off track. loved how dramatic jumin was for this party. he invited glam choi and sarah, and had this Great Big Speech that sarah was totally in love with, and instead it ended up being about mc. lmaooo. i cannot remember but was jumin the one who chose mc's dress? or am i just remembering wrong? idk. i also need to read the after ending (after forgetting that it existed for a second!)

🐱 FINAL CONCLUSION

wow. jumin's route was definitely a very big and twisty roller coaster. i wish i had completed the common routes before replaying jumin's route again just to be able to see and compare how emotionally open jumin was in his route compared to in other routes? like, we get a glimpse of just your everyday business jumin in the common route, but idk. i just wish i got screentime(?) of everyone in general too!

i love jumin a lot. after living his life filled with these expectations of being a ceo. being the perfect employee (which i also found interesting to hear about how everyone had admired/looked up to him at work. he's definitely skilled at what he does, and he barely mentions anything about that himself!) and then the way he began to actually open up? love that for him.

i love jumin a lot actually. and it was pretty nice for me to look over and think about everything after completing his route in general. even though my memory is garbage (tbh had to heavily rely on the screenshots i took), i liked being able to take the time to kinda add in my thoughts on everything while i typed this all out. literally did not do any thinking at all. i have no brain or patience for that and i rarely write this big ass essays or whatever this ended up becoming??? nice change. idk if i'll ever do this again, not my style and i had to force myself to finish this. also am Nervous of posting this T_T. but yeah! i love jumin. i am a jumin stan. and again, if anyone would like to correct me or add on to anything that i have written here, that would be very cool with me! review that got pretty rushed in the end is finally done hooray!

#✏️ cat plays #mystic messenger

[dynamic-instability]

In one of my classes we have to write weekly personal narratives about an experience with illness. This week, mine turned into this. It’s probably too personal, and too... immediate?? to turn in to a professor without cutting out a lot of stuff, but not too personal to post online I guess lol

_____________________________

It’s November again.

In 2009 the lights were too bright. Mid-October one morning I woke up to my dad turning on my lights and it was like having to look into the sun while posing for a photo—my eyes wouldn’t stay open, if I forced them to, they couldn’t stay pointed in one direction, they spasmed and hurt. When the light was dimmed, I still saw double. That morning, I showered in the dark, and I remember being scared. They gave me eyedrops that paralyzed my accommodative muscles. In November my pupils were giant discs and I wore reading glasses over sunglasses to look at the computer, and when it was all said and done, the lights were still too bright, and I still saw double.

In 2011 I was tired. There’s fatigue and then there’s fatigue, I learned that Fall. In May of that year I had pulled two all-nighters in a week, and that was the only other time I’d felt this kind of tired, a sensation in about the 30th hour of the second time where it’s like my brain itched. I once saw someone else online describe it as “nausea, but in your head and eyes instead of in your throat and stomach” and that’s the closest anyone else has come to describing it. By November this was happening more and more often. I remember laying down in the corner of the room during a break of Citywide choir and thinking what the hell is wrong with me? I got a cold the next week, and I thought that maybe that was all it was. It wasn’t.

In 2013 I went to the ER for the fifth time in three months of college, and when I wanted to leave before waiting another couple of hours to eventually see a doctor who would tell me once again that they couldn’t do anything to help me, the woman from student life who was there to drive me back to campus made me call my parents on speaker phone and get their permission to leave before she would turn on the car. I had missed more chemistry labs than I could afford to miss without failing, passed out in a voice lesson, was asked by the director to drop out of choir because watching me was distraction when I looked like I was in pain, and if I passed out it would have ruined the concert for everyone. I remember leaving calculus in the mornings mid-class to go to the bathroom and lay on the floor and cry. I remember not being able to lift my hand off the mattress of my dorm room bed. I withdrew from half of my classes on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and took the Spring semester off.

In 2014 I had made a promise to myself that I would come back to college full time for that Fall semester just to see if I could do it, and then if I couldn’t I would drop out for good. There was one week where I thought that might be happening. Mid-November. The girls in my dorm had made a fort in the lounge out of sheets and blankets and colorful scarves and I remember laying on the couch through the green-filtered light and feeling the world spin and thinking oh god I still can’t do this. The door opened with a rush of cold air and my friends came in with food for me, since I’d been too sick to go to dinner. They sat with me and helped me with chemistry, offered to type up a paper if I dictated it, told jokes and made me laugh. I took an incomplete in one class, but I passed everything else, just barely scraped through, and came back in January.

In 2015 I just wanted to sleep. I passed out in an elevator and heard familiar voices, concerned voices, as I came to, and I stayed there laying motionless for another minute longer, because as long as I wasn’t awake I didn’t have to keep pushing. I wrote whole pages of completely unreadable ochem notes because my hand wasn’t working any better than my brain, and woke up on the floor and was wheeled out on a stretcher crying. It was dark all the time. My cane slipped on wet leaves and I felt my wrist crunch and there it was, one too many missed organic chemistry labs. I couldn’t stand for an entire choir rehearsal because breathing to sing made me lightheaded. I slept for 16 hours a day. The week before Thanksgiving, I called my mother to tell her I had decided to take another hardship withdrawal, and she sighed. I had applied to transfer schools during my much more optimistic Spring semester and Summer, and the week I left was also the week I found out I’d been accepted.

And so okay now it’s 2019, and it’s October and now November again, semester plan again, dark again. My reading is piling up again, feeling overwhelmed again, laying on my kitchen floor again. But here’s the thing—my health is… fine? Midterm week I didn’t sleep, and yes I passed out twice, but no ER. For the past 18 months, I can count on one hand the number of mornings I’ve been unable to get out of bed because of fatigue. My heart still pounds too hard but my head doesn’t swim every time I sit up. I walk the streets of New York City like mobility has never been a problem. I always take the stairs. My brain doesn’t itch until it’s been 30 hours no sleep.

I couldn’t go to class last week. I lay on the floor of my kitchen and stared up at the ceiling and tried to get up, tried to type out an email to my professors, and I couldn’t do it. I was not too tired. I was not too weak. I was not in pain. I could not move. I try to write and try to write and try to write and the words don’t come. I eat instant oatmeal at 9 PM because I haven’t been to the store in a month. I have lost nearly 15 pounds since moving to New York. I clean the stove for two and a half hours but can’t bring myself to take the dead spider off the side of the bathtub. I check the door lock one-two-three times, pace the floor, sit back down. I do not read Austerlitz. I write a Canvas post for Self and Other but it’s nonsense. I do not write a Canvas post for Accounts of Self. I do not write a Canvas post for Applied Writing. I write a Canvas post for Illness and Disability and somehow forget to post it, the one thing I’ve actually done, because I’m too busy feeling sick at everything I haven’t. I shadow a doctor for the clinical witnessing assignment and everything is fine but when I try to write it up I have a panic attack that leaves me sobbing on my couch and the assignment nine days late and counting. It takes me eight hours to write two pages. I watch 18 hours of YouTube video essays discussing drama about creators I don’t even watch and play a stupid game on my phone for an entire weekend until I’ve spent $25+ in a labyrinth of microtransations and every time I close my eyes I see the moving dots.

In November of 2015 I had three overdue essays for Global Literature, and two more due in the next two weeks. More than half were on books I had not read. My pre-lab wasn’t done for organic chemistry, and I wondered for a moment, if I pretended to pass out, if that would be easier. I stayed up until 4 AM laying on my floor and listening to Hamilton. I was sick, that much is true, but when I felt okay I still sat at my computer and could not bring myself to write.

In 2011 I had so many unfinished assignments for my college-level English class that I resigned myself to failing and I went to school the morning of the final class, but I hid in the stairwell by the choir room until I heard the bell, and I never went back to that class.

2009 was the year my dad stopped being able to yell at me for not doing my homework, because no one, including me, could tell whether it was actually my eyes stopping me.

In 2008 I wrote 6 essays in the 5 days of Thanksgiving break because I had not done any work for Intro to Lit all semester. I pulled it off, somehow, even aced the class because of an unusually lenient late work policy, but what I most remember is the sick feeling of dread as I lay on the floor in the living room staring up at the Christmas tree and feeling invisible sand slip through an invisible hourglass and a vice tightening in my chest.

In 2006 I stayed up almost all night writing a paper and crying my eyes out because I couldn’t find the words to explain to anyone why it had been so impossible for me to get the work done, that I wasn’t being lazy or distracted, I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t necessarily reading YA novels or watching TV or IMing my friends instead of working, I could sit and stare at a blank word document for 6 hours straight and still it would not get done. Everyone talked about potential, talked about how smart I was, but a gradebook that is half 100’s and half 0’s still averages out to an F. No one, including me, could explain the discrepancy. The logic of that simple math was not lost on me, the knowledge that turning in half-finished or not very good work was mathematically better than not doing it, but that didn’t mean I could do it. Words failed me when I tried to explain the illogic of my particular suffering.

I didn’t hear the term executive dysfunction until I was in my 20s. In retrospect I was tentatively told at 16 that I had “probably some ADHD and OCD”, but that psychiatrist was someone I’d been sent to by a neurologist because he thought she could fix my eyes, and when she said she couldn’t, I stopped making appointments. After I got sick, physically sick, the lines blurred between what was causing what, to the point where even I have no idea. Two of the Novembers missing here are ones I spent at CC, on the block plan where I only took one class at a time. My physical health arguably improved a little after transferring in January of 2016, but mostly it didn’t, not until Spring of 2018 at least. And you can see that evidence in dropped blocks, concussions from passing out onto hard surfaces, a couple of incompletes taken when viral illnesses (or concussions) compounded my other problems. What the block plan changed was the way things pile up, lessened the struggle of constant task switching between classes. (Admittedly, I also had fewer papers when taking mostly science classes. Writing takes much more energy, and it’s much harder to convince myself it doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth submitting.) At CC nothing ever really reached the level of catastrophe. Some of that is purely the ability to drop a single block, meaning when it was my physical health that was the problem, I didn’t lose a whole semester, just one class, then reset. But I should have realized sooner that the block plan wouldn’t account for the level of improvement if my physical health had really been the only barrier.

So we’re back to now. Grad school. November again. Dark again. Semester plan again. Too much writing again. Crushing dread again. Dysfunction again. Panic attack in the middle of the night increasingly elaborate organizing rituals scream of the subway tracks in my mind can’t stop can’t start can’t breathe can’t move burnout again. This time without the explanation of chronic fatigue to fall back on.

I have my tricks, have actually learned somewhat to cope in the past 18 years. Schedules help, break tasks into pieces that are as small as possible. Mindfulness meditation. Forgive yourself when it’s not perfect. Get started with something easy, set a timer for 20 minutes and only work for those 20 minutes and then let yourself stop if you want to (and surprisingly often, you won’t want to, sometimes that momentum is all it takes). If you work better in the night, work in the night, who cares what society says your sleep schedule should be. When switching tasks, physically get up and move to a different location. Allow yourself to procrastinate on work with other work if that’s what you have to do. Delete the stupid games from your phone. One or two missed assignments are not actually the end of the world, if you let yourself view it as piling up, you won’t be able to get anything done, so if you absolutely have to, just move through and move on.

It’s not a catastrophe, this November. It’s a fight, but it’s not a catastrophe. I read Austerlitz and forgive myself for skimming it. I write a Canvas post and forgive myself when it’s only 500 words and doesn’t make complete sense. I read Toni Morrison and Édouard Louis and classmates’ discussion posts about Deaf culture and identity and remember why this matters in the first place, that it’s not just a series of assignments to overwhelm me, it’s a series of interesting complicated exhausting important thoughts and questions. I get it done. Some of it. Most of it. I let myself sleep. I breathe. I remember to be grateful because I can get out of bed in the mornings and take the stairs. I am okay.

#chronic illness #executive dysfunction #chronic fatigue #College and chronic illness #personal lol

[stopreadingthisanddance]

2018 top albums

Okay, so hopefully you read (& enjoyed listening to) my top EPs list, this one is a little longer, and hopefully a little prettier. They’re ranked 10 -> 1, with my honourable mentions up front here. I hope you enjoy at least some of the music I loved this year, and don’t find my writing unbearable. Once again, I’ve included spotify links for each album if and youtube links for my favourite tracks of each album. 

honourable mentions:

alison wonderland - awake/remxies

standouts: good enough & no (umru & kid froopy remix)

This was really tough for me to place, it would have likely made it onto the top 10 list had it not been for how much I loved the remix album that accompanied this album, and including both felt like cheating. Despite her trap banger roots, Alison Wonderland manages to hit that dance/cry sweet spot over and over on this project, from the manic banger Good Enough, with her gorgeous cello backed by an anxiety inducing rising bassline, to the anxious "is it good enough!?" ringing out, to hip-hop influenced High, to the big room trap banger that is Happy Place. It's got all of that and more on the base album, and the collection of remixes that were done afterward by her contemporaries managed to even further diversify the track list, while still keeping enough of the original to be recognizable. Even if you don't like electronic music, listen to No (umru & Kid Froopy Remix) and tell me that xylophone lead isn't catchy as all hell.

ross from friends - family portrait

standout: pale blue dot

A mainstay in the lo-fi house scene, Ross From Friends released his first full length project this year, and it gave everything I had hoped. Lovely, danceable grooves, ace production, and the feeling of being transported, if momentarily, to another plane of existence. If you have even the slightest inclination towards electronic music, check out Pale Blue Dot.

joji - ballads 1

standout: rip

The transition George Miller aka Filthy Frank aka joji has made throughout his young career is pretty spectacular. From absurdist comedy to the angsty, low key R&B on this project is pretty amazing, and while he certainly exhibits a lot of similar traits to the S A D B O Y aesthetic that has taken over mainstream hip-hop the last few years, he does it with enough of his own flavour that it's hard to discount that it is his. RIP and Attention are two of the most overtly sad songs I've heard in a long time, both in lyrical content, as well as production and the slurring and gravely vocal delivery. While tracks like Can't Get Over You throw in some needed dancey beats, while still maintaining that raw emotional delivery and content that defines this project so much.

top 10: 

10

jizue - room

standout: grass

I can't explain this album, I've spent the last 30 minutes attempting it, and I just can't. It's an instrumental album from Japanese group jizue that blends elements of jazz, math-rock and hardcore into...whatever this project is. I love it, but it's just the right side of complex and listenable to serve as the perfect background music, and still manage to stand on it's own. Check it out, maybe someone can explain it to me.

9

anderson .paak - oxnard

standout: brother's keeper

It took a while for Anderson .Paak to hit it big, but even back when I first heard his stuff, it was pretty apparent that it was only a matter of time before he hit it. Not only are his producer chops on display in full effect here, from rattling kicks and afro-soul influenced melodic leads, to the heavy jazz influences, all layered with a touch of 90s hip-hop. Dr. Dre helped with production and executive produced, and the influences of that era shine through heavily. Speaking of, .Paak's vocal performance is entirely different from what I had come to expect, and covers a wide array of topics, from the politically charged 6 Summers, to the sensual The Chase, that feels a lot it needs to be halfway an action scene in an 80s movie, to the savage Pusha-T feature Brother's Keeper. While .Paak himself is more a singer than rapper, his voice and flow fits the aesthetic of this project, and the brilliance of the production variety while still maintaining the feel of a cohesive project. From the all star feature list, to the frequent use of beat change-ups midway through tracks, back to front this project demands your attention.

8

rl grime - nova

standout: ucla

My first listen of this album resulted in me thinking "eh, this is just a bunch of electronic tracks", they weren't bad, but I didn't really feel it until my 3rd or 4th listen. RL Grime's ability as a producer has never been in question, and his live shows the stuff of legends. Throw into that with his yearly, highly anticipated Halloween 7 mixtape, featuring a vocal open by Shaq, he didn't need to come through with a project as diverse as this, and yet here we are. He manages to flow easily from big room trap Feel Free and Pressure, to the more housey Shrine and the emotional Atoms and the manic instrumental Rainer. It was really hard for me to pick just one favourite because of how cohesive this album has ended up feeling for me, like being taken on someone else's emotional roller coaster ride. But I've settled on the trashy, trappy R&B UCLA, where the lyrics manage to come across a little insecure, while the beat makes up for it with astounding bravado, and massive trap drops.

7

chvrches - love is dead

standout: deliverance

I've written before how vital live music events are to my enjoyment of certain genres & music acts, and if I'm being honest,  this album wouldn't be on here if I hadn't had the chance to see CHVRCHES live this year at the Commodore. It's a good album, don't get me wrong, it's got all polish of their previous two albums, and even more varied song selection with the more typical synth-pop bops with Miracle and Heaven/Hell, there's a huge change up with the moodier God's Plan and the incredibly sad and moving instrumental ii. Even Get Out, one of the lead singles from this project is laced with a lot darker subject matter and musical elements. Seeing Lauren Mayberry dance under neon lights to the intro rift of Graffiti will stick in my mind for years to come, and that feeling is what this kind of music is all about.

6

soccer mommy - clean

standout: cool

My musical tastes have been diverse for as long as I can remember, but this style of grungy, lo-fi bedroom pop-rock has never really been on my radar before. That being said, Nashville native Soccer Mommy has a lot of what I look for in music, catchy hooks, lyrics brimming with emotion and someone willing to take risks. While it's undeniable that this is far from a production masterpiece, which I don't understand in 2018 honestly, the great song writing and Sophie Allison's distinctive voice and nonchalant delivery gives me that summer feeling no matter what time of the year it is. Cool is one of my most listened to songs of the year by a long shot, with it's upbeat music and sad lyrics, it sounds like what teenage regret felt like. Scorpio Rising on the other hand, covers a lot of the same topics, but it manages to do to it in a very different way, sort of in a Slow Dance On The Inside by Taking Back Sunday kinda feel.

5

rezz - certain kind of magic

standout: teleportal

Even with my list this year being highly varied, I think this might be the least approachable album on either this or my EP list. Rezz has managed to create a cult of personality around herself in a way very few electronic musicians ever manage through her phenomenal set construction, heavy emphasis on showmanship with lights and video during her live sets, and brilliant production. Add on top of that very few artists are making this style of music anywhere close to this caliber, and you end up with a dominant force of heavy basslines and dark aesthetics. If you have ever had any interest in dubstep, be it the traditional UK variant or the trashy late 2000s-era bedroom-produced bangers, you will likely love this album. It's no surprise that deadmau5 signed her in 2016 given that her style of building up layers and layers of effects and sonic elements, only to cut them all out to isolate a heavy drop or gorgeous orchestral melody is very reminiscent of the house legend himself.

4

hinds - i dont run

standout: tester

Spanish all girl quartet came out of no where for me, but once I was into their vibe, I didn't look back. They sing in English (mostly), but their accents taint all their lyrics with just a little touch exotic flavour, giving their cacophonous musical style one more element to throw into the mix. They sort of sound like a mix of The Velvet Underground, and the Strokes, with a modern pop twist, and the fact they're women making, or more accurately, fighting the transition from care free 20s, to the reality of their 30s comes through in spades. The variety of their voices, and their writing styles gives this album a distinctly personal touch, but not so much it's impossible to relate to. This album is perfect for sitting in the sun on a lazy afternoon and letting the entire project wash over you, if I had to pick just one track though I'd go with Tester, a track about navigating complex, undefined personal relationships, and coping with it however possible.

3

let's eat grandma - im all ears

standout: it's not just me

I knew that PC Music wouldn't stay off my list entirely this year, the entire label seem to be steering pop music on the whole, and the production influences from SOPHIE fly in pretty fast on the glitchy-noisey delicious mess that is Hot Pink, the opening track. They follow that up with my favourite track of the year in It's Not Just Me, with the angsty lyrics, the way they seem to just float over the top of the beat that manages to be both groovy (dig the dance moves in the music video) and still challenge the listener with complexity and a touch of cacophony. While these two 17 year old girls from some random town in the UK might only be releasing their second project, and the lyrical content is for sure written by 17 year old girls, they show a capacity for having a vision for a track and getting it across in a truly astonishing way. They manage to blend genres, topics and feelings seemingly effortlessly, and I can't get enough of it!

2

the midnight - kids

standout: america 2

The nostalgic, synth-pop, retro-wave duo The Midnight came through with an ode to the 80s and 90s, laced with modern sensibilities. Stick these tracks over some 90s action movies, and they won't feel out of place, nor will they as your cruise into the sunset of 2018. With lyrics that are wistful for the past, and aware of the fact it will never come back, they manage to make you want to groove along, while slightly pricking that part of your brain that says "hey, is there where you thought you'd be when you were 12?". The whole project is laced with news clips from the 80s and 90s, talking about how exciting, and how terrifying the future looked. It's easy to forget even in those less connected times, sometimes all you could do was blast the stereo, drive into the night, and hold onto the best parts of your past, and try and be optimistic about the future.

1

brockhampton - iridescence

standout: tonya

Brockhampton is one of those music groups that is such a cultural phenomenon, it'll inspire kids making music in their bedrooms for a long time. No hip-hop group has made such a massive impact since Wu-Tang, and we all know they ain't nuthin' to fuck with. Both the group and each member manages to display astonishing range as they move from emotional ballads like the brilliant Tonya to bangers like New Orleans, they manage to make you want to dance to the driving basslines and clever lyrics, only to snap change to the slow and deeply emotional tracks like San Marcos. From Kevin Abstract's masterminding, to Dom's undeniably amazing bars, to the dreamy Matt Champion and the angst filled bearface, it's easy to see why this album is so diverse. What's harder to understand is how cohesive they manage to blend it all together, trappy vocal effects on top of acoustic guitar, the gospel influences, it's all mashed together into perfection. Tonya was on heavy rotation this year, with it's haunting vocals, brilliant piano melodies, and the change up it's so hard not to feel the heart that went into this project.

annnnnnnnd we’re done! I hope you listened to a shit load of good music this year, and I hope some of this resonates with you. Happy Holidays, have a good New Year, roll on 2019.

#2018 #music #aoty

[areminiscer]

This is long and has a trigger warning

This will seem all over the place because thats just how it’s come out-

I feel like this is fitting this year cause it’s been (nearly) 5 years. 5 years on the 14/11 ( 11/14 ). This day changed my life- so cliché.

Brief family history- my dad was a biochemist, my mum a nurse (and a few other jobs). Which seems to irrelevant now- they both worked there asses off. My dad is my favourite parent if you can have one, this is because me and my mum are stupidly similar so we’d bash heads a lot which would often leave me in tears and feeling really deflated. My brother has ADHD which is a pain because when he’s on a ‘war path’ it’s horrendous and why I can’t deal with shouting or sudden movements or anything being thrown in my directions (even tho im a great catch most the time)

So on this date 5 years ago my dad got told he had bile duct cancer. Which isn’t that common, however he wasn’t that worried cause it goes in stages and we thought it’d been caught early…. He was told he had stage 4 and had 6 months to live. i don’t remember much honestly but my main memory is being in the foetal position against the cold tiles in a boiling bath listening to ‘Somewhere in neverland’. My dad was put on chemo. So a ‘famous’ case of this cancer is the Guy who played Robbie rotten in lazy town who died after 2 years of fighting the cancer. My dad had always said that at my wedding he’d dye his beard purple, so because the reality of the cancer was he’d be dead by then he started colouring his beard – hes had blue, green, red, orange, purple, pink and turquoise.

So on the 9/11 (11/9) I had been at a gig, Mallory knox, blitz kids (still my faves) and the crooks. i don’t really remember much but I know that Mallory knox and blitz kids are two of my all time favourite bands due to the fact they ‘were there’ in some of my darkest moments.

~TRIGGER WARNING~ So this date also means its been 5 years of me self-harming and being very all over the place. I remember when my mum found out she didn’t even freak at me- she took me to the supermarket and brought me bandages and anti-septic and said I can’t stop you but I can at least prevent infection. She never once blew up in my face- except one time when it first happened and all I remember is I went to school crying. Anyway so 6 months later my dad gets told that the tumour is inactive.

Which is good but my self harm still is pretty bad due to going through a horrible time at school due to missing a lot because Family over Education – I have never once regretted this even if I’m ‘ 3 years’ behind my peers. I’m in a better place most the time ( don’t ever go off your meds for 3 months…) and have finally started planning my future- 15 year old me had planned to be dead by 20. During my exams my family and some friends went away but before that I had gone to a day festival with some friends and I’d become obsessed with a band called the color morale (who still to this day are amazing) and I’d been in a really bad place with fresh cuts. I was going to the color morale booth to buy a hoodie or something and the merch guy came over and it happened to be Garret Rapp the lead singer and he signed my notebook and gave me a hug, I remember calling my parents close to tears and them being really happy for me. I remember 2015 I got my exam results and I hadn’t done the best however I had done better than I’d expected- I got D’s in everything which is impressive considering I did no revision and my attendance was like 45%. I wasn’t told this till last year but my mum and dad were really worried they’d loose me due to how unhappy I was with everything.

Anyway flash forward to June/July 2016 guess what had come active again? You guessed it- back to chemo my dad goes. I don’t really remember this year at all. One thing I do remember is my dad became a ‘guinea pig’ for a new medical treatment called SIRT (I don’t know what it stands for). This is basically when they inject tiny radioactive beads into the location of the tumour and it’s meant to shrink it. Get me knowing fancy medical terminology.

All I remember is that he’d gotten the news after I’d had a great year and that I believed it was cause of that. I know that’s really shitty but I’m a firm believer in ‘ Everything happens for a reason’. It seems stupid but aye that’s what happened.

This whole thing triggered me to stop telling my parents I loved them until the beginning of this year.

More family history- My parents met in Zimbabwe. In 1990 I think? I’m not 100% sure on that.

2017- as a family we went to Zimbabwe with a charity where we built a school building, played football, swung sledge hammers and cuddled adorable babies. I think this is when it really hit me that when I feel at wrong bottom I let everything slip and just spiral out of control. But I was surrounded by people who had barely any money, hadn’t been paid in months, couldn’t afford basics, were sick and protecting their disabled children from men who’d take advantage of them. Yet they still laugh and sung with a massive smile while I was over here sat letting something bad ruin a month at a time. That autumn and winter I went on a massive spiral to the point my best friend and family weren’t sure I’d make it to 2018. Honestly Im not sure how I made it to 2018. My closest friend through out all of this and the girl who I can be 100% honest with- I remembered we’d been shopping or something and then we went and sat in McDonalds eating and we were chatting about mental health and all those fun things and I told her that I doubt I’d get married if my dad died.

2018 is a weird year cause while my dad’s cancer is still very much active (with secondaries which is shitty). I’ve found a love for life to an extent. While I can feel myself slipping a little I’m trying to keep going because I have so many plans. I turned 20 this year and while it’s not that exciting to most to think 5 years ago I was planning my suicide and wasn’t thinking about where I want to be in a years’ time but now I know where I want to be. In September I started my final year of College which seems amazing because of how far I’ve come looking back at the last 5 years and everything I’ve had thrown at me ( literally and figuratively). I also told my mum (while driving to see my grandparents) about my the fact that I wouldn’t get married if my died dad and I just couldn’t see anyone other than my dad with a purple beard walking me down the aisle. Im not one for traditional things- I hate turkey at Christmas for example- but my dad walking me down the aisle was always my dream and never changed. My mum told my grandparents and my grandad announced he’d walk me down the aisle.

It’s weird reading how far you have come in the last 5 years because you don’t really think about it but now seeing it in black and white im shocked.

#me #rambles #5years #gettingthere #personal #cancer #selfharm #depression #triggerwarning #suicide #sad #depressed

[sunnycityshadypeople]

Defining Heartbreak: The Friendzone

I felt like writing and I guess could be a place to put it as it’s my only social media account where I have a bit more anonymity.    I feel hung over as fuck today, but noticed when I was articulating some deeper thoughts with someone that instantly felt better - so here goes with a story not of woe is me, but of the discovery I made about myself  Unrequited love over the years has reared it’s head a couple times.    In my early twenties, a guy I met online on Gaydar (is that site still a thing) - became a friend. I was actually his first gay friend and we hung out a lot.  We both went ot the same university and had one class that we both had in common - despite studying different degrees.   I thought he was super cute, intelligent and a catch - he had a certain confident swagger about him. Nothing sexual ever happened between us.   He then went overseas to live in France for a year - studying at the same university that the recently departed Kofi Annan.   Fast forward a year and over that time of missing him, I realised I had feelings for him and the cliche of distance only making the heart grow fonder certainly rung true.   When he finally returned to Australia, I was so happy to see him and a bunch of us hit the town together. A friend brought his rather cute pal along and joined me and my crush on a night out.   As it turns out, my friend’s cute pal ended up hooking up with my crush.  In a tree. IN A FUCKING TREE.  

I was crushed.      Like *spoiler alert* Captain America watching his best mate Bucky die or Tony Stark seeing a fading spiderman begging him not to go.   Yeah I was in my early 20s but it was defining moment of heartbreak. 

I dont remember how long after but I was moping around at my brother’s place and my sister was there.  She saw me dejected and withdrawn, asking me ‘what’s wrong?’ - I left out the front door and sat on the balcony and ugly cried.   And not the ugly crying I did when KFC stopped selling hot and spicy chicken, this was far far worse.  And a defining moment of heartbreak.  Sidebar:  I’ve always been a bit of a philosphical existentialist - mainly due to the the movie ‘The Matrix’.  The nature of reality fascinates me.    When I was 18, the philosphical book ‘The Celestine Prophecy’ came into my life... I actually ‘found’ the book on the street (I kid you not!) and it changed my life and the way I think abnd that’s where the true existentialist in me had an awakening. anyways. I’ve always been an introspective soul -- something perhaps most people I know don’t realise.  The cyclic nature of life (ok picture me holding my laptop up ala the Lion King pose as we sing the Circle of Life) - means that sometimes it feels like things repeat themselves.  I sometimes forget about the lessons that we need to learn and of course it came from another defining moment of heartbreak - this time in my mid 30′s.  I’d started chatting to this guy on a dating app mid 2016.    I thought he was super cute, intelligent and a catch - he had a certain confident swagger about him.   Feeling a sense of De ja vu?  No,it’s not a glitch in the matrix.    I tend to have a long lead time before I meet anyone online (I’m sure there’s a basis of fear of rejection in there but really are you that surprise after hearing that fucking sob story before!?) Anyways, we ran into each other at the gym and that was the first time we met.  We hung out a few times, and certainly these felt like dates.  We had a lot in common (and a lot in difference too), laughed alot and he was probably the first guy in a long time I met whose personality I loved.    He was witty at time cutting, his text game was super strong - but I’d usually own him face to face.   We’d spend our days jibing at each other trying to insult each other with memes (because Memes are life, right!?).  One time I was chatting to him via text -  describing a guy I used to like and how this dude and I had a lot common, was super nice... he replied to me ‘Kinda like us really?’  AND WHOA hold up this could be a romantasiced re-telling of my overthinking interpretation of a message - but that was sliding doors moment that would lead me to my next defining heartbreak.     I should have taken the bait.  But I was scared.  My absolute fear of rejection was scared to just tell this dude I like him - even if I was misconstrued in that message.    I do prefer voice messages over text because tone is a hard mother fucker to judge - thank god for emojis and ifs but still - just press that record button on whatsapp (He didnt’ like voice messages as he thought they were lazy) whereas I like to really convey my meaning.

Unless that meaning is ‘cue Madonna’ “IM CRAAAAZY FOR YOU TOUCH ME ONCE and you’ll know it’s truuuuue I never wanted anyone like this it’s all brand new... you’ll feel it in my kiss, you’ll feel it in my touch because I’m crazy for you - touch me once and you’ll know its’ true’

Anyways sorry about that Australian Idol gone Karaoke wrong moment. If you’ve fallen asleep reading this, you can thank me for the cure to insomnia later.  Ok, cut to the chase Jimbo - fast forward a year and half of being friends with someone you secretly love.  I use the term’ secretly’ loosely - because OMG was I just coming across as the love sick despo girl - random presents in his mailbox, being the nicest most supportive, generous friend - because hey, maybe he’ll come around if I kill him with kindness.  There’s an excellent article on being in the friendzone you should read by the way - I’ll talk about that later. I’m not going to go into details out of respect for this guy, but I knew inherently and the truth of the matter was no matter what I did or who I was - he was still on his Rupaul ‘can’t love nobody unless you love yourself’ journey.   So the harsh reality, and the ‘hes just not that into you’ vibes as espoused by Oprah back in the day meant this defining heartbreak was a bit different to the first.   I knew it was too far into the friendzone (never say never, but yeah let’s be real).. if it’s in the friendzone, they have to give you something that’ll finally get you into the endzone.  Anyways, I’d do anything for this guy.  Despite actually rationally speaking he didn’t tick some major core values for me.  It’s funny how attraction works.   A close friend who is a counsellor told me about ‘attachment styles’ (look it up, I wont digress more than I already have) - but essentially I was a major victim (of my own doing, because people don’t cause us to feel - we cause us to feel - think about that for a sec).. I was a major victim of treat em mean keep em keen. And I kept coming back for more.   I even tried weening myself off him by disengaging and that was great, but then we re-engaged. His was of re-engaging was sending me a message that said ‘Welfare Check’.  If it was me, I’d be like ‘Hey dude, I miss you! whats up!?’  The last time we saw each other was almost 2 months ago - nothing dramatic went down, but after not seeing the guy for a few weeks - he could only afford me about 40 minutes of his time.    It was a pleasant catch up but neither of us have communicated since.   He’s stubborn and I’m stubborn too.  But ulimately, it’s not healthy for me to love someone who doesn’t know what to do with my love.   And I look back at my own behaviour and do a major eyeroll because I really should save that stuff for someone who likes me back. That article I mentioned above - which I’ll post the link to - had a very simple suggestion and rule to avoid unrequited love and being in the friendzone. Only like somone who likes you back. OH MY FUCKING GOD REGINA YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO! Anyways, I’ve had some amazing dates and met a couple awesome guys (there’s still a them of them not living in the same city as me but hey I can deal with that for the moment). I have a lot of love in my life and the love I give  is welcomed and I’m not feeling like I’m being treated as an afterthought.  I emphasis ‘feeling’ because the truth is, I may not be an afterthought to him.   But actions do speak louder than words, and his inaction has spoken to me.   That’s cool.   My love will always be there.   But in defining heartbreak, I defined myself and thank you for reading this I’d like to thank the academy and you for being you. You are loved. 

[wereg0blin]

for the ask meme? all of them u thot

For ur and Cris' demand1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?Yes!!!!! 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?UhHHHHHH it is 3 years older than me but hhhhhhh probably not3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?Bicth ten mins ago4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?ALWAYS5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?If there are they can go fuck themselves right in the butthole6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?CHOKE-I dont know how but they found me - mr seen aka my eX hHHhH7. What exactly are you wearing right now?a cute ass blouse thingy some tights and christmas deer antlers on top of a Santa hat8. How often do you listen to music?every chance i get9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?jeans i guess10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?i dont even remember 201311. Are you a social or an antisocial person?both damn12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?On the cheek yes13. What about ‘R’?platonically yes14. Can you drive a stick shift?i can climb sticks???? does that count??? 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?they 100% do and i dont really care bc everyone talks shit about everyone 16. Are you going out of town soon?i dont know how to reply to this because i live in two towns17. When was the last time you cried?Wednesday i think,, i wish i could cry more often 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?i try to say it as much as i can bc i have a lot of love in my heart19. If you could change your eye color, would you?maybe a lighter blue bc gray blue isn't that pretty20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?not counting evan,,, uhh Boys ARE A BLESSING TO THIS WORLD FUXK YEAH21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.am planning to tell mh parents abt my depression but hHHHHH22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?if it has boy in it iT CUTE23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?NopE cris is like,,,, my best friend wtf24. What are you sitting on right now?b e d i t s o f t25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?FRIENS. LOVE THEM. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?ALL THW TIME B I TCH27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?my roommates 28. Do you get a lot of colds?nop, but when i do its fuxked up29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?Switzerland 30. Does anyone hate you?yepity depity do and i hope they burn in hell fucking pieces of shits31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?it will be a cold day in hell when i drink my dudes32. Do you like watching scary movies?BITCH I L OV E MAKING FUN OF MOVIESSO SEEING SHITTY SCARY MOVIES IS A FUCKING BLESSING 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?Nah how tf am i gonna eat spicy shit then???? ¿¿¿¿34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?2015????or 2016??? i think that was the worst my depression ever was35. Did you have a dream last night?i think????? 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?right now37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?hope not???? but then again???? kinda hope i do????? probably not doe38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?yes i know at least 2 boys and i feel so sorry for them39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?probs40. Did you have a good day yesterday?mmmeh41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?oh shit i have no Fucking idea 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?y e s43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?i think???? cris must've told me at least one time and evan too so Uhhhh i guess???? ¿¿¿¿44. What’s the best part about school?i get to have unnecessary crushes45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?ppppplenty46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?yeah but he called me a slut and a whore 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?god fucking hell all the time 48. Were you single over the last summer?yep49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?nope thank the whatever the fuck is out there 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?sleeping i guess51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?evan is a precious cinnamon roll fuck off 52. Are you nice to everyone?YES YES YES YES ALWAYS as i saidk i l l t h e m w i t h k i n d n e s s53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?h hh hhh fuCking tAke a wIld Gue Ss m854. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?bitch when i cheat will be the day i cut my throat 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?bad feelings? yescrushes? n0Pe56. Do you think you like someone?i think but i hope not57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?nop i do not Think so my dude 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?why THE FUCK would that matter59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?current ones?? i dont think so??? 60. Do you hate anyone?nah i just,,,, strongly dislike themexcept the fucking bitches i called friends i hopr they die in a fire 61. How’s your heart?idk i guess ok??? im always okay62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?not really pffft63. Have you ever cried over a guy?yes all the time,, boys r beautiful 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?hmmmmmmmmm idk i can think of a few people but i hope not 65. Are your toenails painted pink?I W I S H66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?bih i wish i could have my first kiss67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?if boyfriend cries i cry thats bad 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?poor poor souls that actually had this happen to them69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my sister!!! 70. How do you look right now?bored Even doe im honestly just relaxed 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?i do that with everyone bc if u don't like me u don't have tk be around me 72. Can you commit to one person?yes ofc!!!??? 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?even bby ilu74. Have you ever felt replaced?i think?? yes probs75. Did you wake up cranky?nop76. Are you a jealous person?hhhhHA YOU DONT EVEN K N O W77. Are relationships ever worth it?Theyre fun but the end of them makes me wanna die78. Anyone you’re giving up on?crushes and teachers 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?3 more years bih u better wait for meand u too eben b safe u dork80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?sssstudy h81. Last person you cried in front of?mom82. Is there someone you will never forget?yyyES83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?nope he doesn't really care about me anymore (although i dont think he ever did) 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?BICTH ID BE KISSING THAY THOT ALL OVER HER FACE AND WATCHING SAW AND VORING PIZZAEVEN DUDE HHHHELTS WATCH SAW 3 AND LAUGH AT THAT DUDE BREAKING HIS LEG AND THWN I CAN HUG YOU TILL I DIE FROM DEHYDRATION 85. Are you over your past?i ggggUess??? 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?i have no idea 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? @lady-misfortune @space-ace-sneevee @thelilshadowchild88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?what has been has been but i guess idk yet bc ive had like 1 bf for now 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?never kissed 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?i guess???????? 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?i sure as hell have no idea92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?Michael Jackson and I are best buddies bItch93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?noPe94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?i was in a relationship with my laptop and i didnt leave him from 7pm to 6am 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?he a dicky 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?bicth fucjing prettiest people youll find97. Who do you have texts from?crissy gorl that im too lazy to reply to98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?happened to me and i said "glad u told me earlier i dont want u being with me if u r uncomfy" it did hurt like a fucking bitch doe99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?bitch never kissed 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?me, myself and i101. Ever kissed under fireworks?NEVER KISSED FFS102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?IN a jar nicely packed and handed to me? no but stomach butterflies so bad i wanted to throw up? yes

[hooryayy]

TWO YEARS TO THE DAY LATER and I am finally ready to share the story of when I fangirled hard enough to Edward James Olmos that he gave me a free autographed photo of him and Mary McDonnell

So this might get a tad longish, so I’ll be under a cut, but here is a brief summary: a Trump supporter pissed me off so much that despite me being high as heck on adderall, I had to go talk to EJO

In July 2015 I got my then romantic partner and his roommate to watch BSG with me so when I found out EJO was going to be at San Jose Comic Con in August, it only took a little bit of pestering to get them on board.

It was a 2-day convention and my always broke ass had to work late Friday night so we were only going to make it for half of the first day. Saturday morning rolls around and the boys are tripping out because our usual drug guy fell through. It was kind of a ritual for us to pick up some uppers anytime we went out of town, and tbh we were all heavily drug dependent back in those days SO you bet we took 2 extra hours to pop in and out of the city to pick up.

Finally dosed and got on our way, hit the usual weekend bay area traffic and arrived to the con at 3pm. We walked in and the line to meet this guy stretched wall to wall and I was immediately intimidated and tried to walk back out lmao. An announcement was made that they were ending for the day at 4, so I felt a lot less pressured to overcome my anxiety yet. Spent that hour in Star Trek collectors heaven though..

Rest of the eve/night we spent doing things GROWN ASS ADULTS shouldn’t be doing like sneaking into mini-golf and climbing trees with bottles of Jack and hot-boxing our hotel room while watching the series finale of Hannibal...

OK so Sunday. This was my day. We were having breakfast at the Red Robin in Morgan Hill with all the white families that just got done with church, the three of us doubled-down on 60 extended (okay this is a pretty big dose) and I’m starting to get anxious again (with or without the drugs it wouldn’t have mattered) like “I’m not/I can’t meet this guy, I don’t know how to approach him or even what to say blah blah blah” and the boys are getting mad at me because I talked about this for weeks (and planned what i wanted to say) and I’m being lame and I’ll be fine..

We show up to day 2, 12pm.. and literally no one is in line and now I am hella freaking the fuck out because literally it is only me that is stopping this from happening. My friend immediately walks up and shakes his hand and chats for a second and comes back and says the obvious that he is a nice dude, and I am like frozen, second hand embarrassment even though nothing bad happened. But my scared ass walks to the exact opposite corner of the building to slowly browse and psyche myself up for this.

so I got sucked in to this guy’s 90s scifi trading card collection, specifically the x-files binders lol and then he starts to make small talk and stuff, he asks what I study. OK I studied Political Science and Religious Studies, and it LITERALLY does not matter which answer I give it always starts something. but I choose the easier one and say politics.. and hooo boy

This fucker just goes off on me, saying shit like how stupid and lazy my generation is and that we don’t work hard, are entitled and have no idea how the real world works (the usual propaganda), and if we did we would be thinking about voting for Trump in the 2016 election (mind you this was VERY early on where Trump was still considered a joke even to the republicans)

Remember I am HIGH AS Shit. I am 2000% extra aware of and feeling the aggressive and hateful energy coursing through my veins from this interaction. Now Im sure he said other things I don’t remember because all I could do is focus on my breathing as to not get manipulated into whatever space this guy was trying to create but I heard a break in his rant, looked up, smiled and said “Thanks for sharing your collection with me” and dipped for the back exit to smoke 18 cigarettes.

Here is where I am letting myself get fucking pissed off, pacing and chain smoking. Neither of the boys are answering their phones. Then I realized how badass I was just then, and proud of myseelf for spiritually blocking out a nazi (again this is before they identified as such and punching them was a thing). I was like if I can handle this asshole, I can go meet Edward James Fucking Olmos no. problem.

I march back in and go straight to his table but then I took a detour to sit in a white folding chair about 20 feet away for 25 minutes first. Eventually one of his security dudes comes up to me and is like “Are you waiting for an autograph?” and I’m like “no, but I do want to talk to him for a minute if that is possible”

The guy asks for my name and we walk up to EJO together and he goes “This is Amy. She would like to talk with you.” And now I am realizing that everyone here is trying to gauge how severe my social handicap is.. but he puts out his hand to shake

“Hi, I am Ed.” I shook his hand!!

“I’m Amy. I just had the most awful interaction with a Trump supporter here so Im a little put off. He kept telling me how stupid me and my generation are and it makes me very grateful that you are a humanist and philanthropist. I’d recently watched the UN Panel and you talked about the invention of race as a tool for genocide and it means so much to me that you would use your voice and influence on that platform to address these kinds of things...”

and I trail off cuz Im about to ramble and shit and I noticed how he was just taking everything I said very seriously, like wasn’t expecting any of that at all. HE pauses and looks back up at me and says how special that panel was to him, that he’ll never do something as important again in his life. Then he asks me where I go to school and what I study, so I tell him and he is impressed with all the creds. Asks me if I am planning on going into politics.

“Not in the public sense. I want to do policy research targeting intersections of poverty, race, and education” And I swear to god his eyes snap up so fast to meet mine, like he is in admiral mode here and I am captivated. Straight in the eyes to me he goes

“We need you. All of us needs you up there doing that, fighting for that, for us. I have a feeling we are about to enter some tough times. I can tell you are special and it takes special people to make things happen”

I said thank you but I am about to burst into tears. I mean we all know this but let me reinforce it.. Ed is such an intense human and I had all 100% of this guy in my presence, overwhelmingly so, and I am mostly shook because he literally had no obligation to say anything. This guy fucking met me 5 minutes ago but he is ready to say that, and I sense he isn’t the kind of guy to just say shit. Also I AM STILL VERY HIGH lets not forget

So I change the subject because that other stuff is getting too intense for me, and I switch over to BSG lol and I ask him about Adama’s tendency to punish himself physically when he feels he has played some role in pain or negativity coming into his loved ones’ lives. He talks particularly about Adama’s alcoholism in season 4 and how he approached it as a combo of punishment and escapism (which let me tell you is..accurate). He finishes up his answer and all of a sudden I fucking blurt out for some ungodly fucking reason

“I love you and Mary, you are so cute together, I hope to meet her too”

Mortified. I am overstepping boundaries. I am dying inside and I can’t believe I got 3 thoughts out before I stopped.

He smiles and giggles and grabs this pic to sign for me for freeee and says “I hope you will too”

Amy- all of my love to you.

Like is that something he would normally sign for someone? Is that something anyone would sign to a random fan?

Anyways he gave it to me, I said thanks and I literally ran out of the convention clutching this picture to my chest and sat down against the building and started crying of the ultimate level embarrassment I could personally possibly be on. My boys find me and laugh at me and I cried the whole way home.

I still get major embarrassment even today just thinking about this interaction, no matter how well it turned out and how much of an impact EJO had on me.

Feels good to finally share my story in its entirety!! Thanks for reading

#first full account #im serious i have psychological issues surrounding this #personal #edward james olmos #spaceparents #sjcc

[skiasurveys]

old myspace surveyyy

1. Last beverage: Iced tea

2. Last phone call: My mom i believe

3. Last song you listened to: Closer- the chainsmokers ft halsey

4. Last time you cried: today 

5. Have you dated someone twice: kind of.  my current boyfriend and i dated before but it was only like  2 weeks and then we didnt date again til 5 months later, and now were still together which has been 15 months. i dont really consider he first time an actual relationship lmao

6. Have you ever been cheated on: Not that I am aware of.

7. Kissed someone & regretted it: eh, my first kiss was awful

8. Have you lost someone special: yeah my dad died.

9. What are your three favorite colors: lilac, cyan, pink

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month: not in the past month

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list: yeah

12. How many kids do you want: none.

13. Do you want any pets: i have two cats

14. Do you want to change your name: yeah i do

15. What did you do for your last birthday: Had dinner with my boyfriends parents, then had a small party with a few friends and my boyfriend, but that was it. Wasnt so lit.

16. What time did you wake up today:  i woke up at 10 am i think

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for: to finally move out

18. Last time you saw your mother: um. like 10 minutes ago lol

19. Most visited webpage: youtube

20. Nicknames: Jen, Babygirl, i dont really have nicknames that much

21. Relationship status: Taken

22. Zodiac sign: Sagittarius 

23. Male or female: female

24. Height: 5′1 

25. Do you have a crush on someone: my boyfriend 

26. Piercings: I got my ears pierced when i was 18 but i took it out apparently too soon and they shut.  I am going to get them redone but im just lazy

27. Tattoos: none as of now

28. Strong or Weak:  physically or emotionally..haha..

FIRSTS

29. First surgery: wisdom teeth

30. First best friend:  Eric or Reis 

31. First sport you joined: softball when i was 7/8

32. First vacation: British columbia when  i was 4/5

33. First school: Joseph welsh 

34. First pair of trainers: If trainers you mean shoes but in a british lingo..uhh i dont know. DC shoes? those ugly fat skater shoes.

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes: eyes

36. Hugs or kisses: honestly both, but idk it depends. sometimes i love hugs because i like feeling him hold me and against me , but kisses are so sweet

37. Shorter or taller: taller

38. Older or younger: older

39. Romantic or spontaneous: both

40. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive.

41. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.

42. Shy or outgoing: a bit of both. im really outgoing so in a relationship it doesnt matter for me. but i dont really like people who cant make conversations at all..

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger: I dont think so.

44. Gotten a speeding ticket: No

45. Lost glasses/contacts: i dont wear glasses or contacts

46. Sex on first date: nope. but oral sex yeah.

47. Broken someone’s heart:  i have but whatever.

48. Been arrested: No

49. Have you turned someone down:  yeah but thats cause this dude wouldnt stop trying to date me and the funny part is he didnt even live in the same fucking city as me so idk why he kept trying so hard. I also had a dude back in highschool who i still chat with try to date me but ive turned him down couple of times but he knows now.

50. Fallen for a friend: not really.

51. Moved out of town: no

BELIEVE IN

52. Miracles: ehhh

53. Love at first sight: no. but i mean i know when i first met my boyfriend i was like oh hell yeah. but its not love.

54. Heaven: yeah

55. Santa Claus:  no and never have.

56. Kiss on the first date:  sure. ive done it. idk how you cant believe in a kiss?? lmao

57. Angels:  yeah

58. Yourself: no

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: no.

60. Been in love with someone you couldn’t be with?: yeah but not “in love”.

61. Ever cheated on somebody: No i am not a cunt.

62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: i would love to relive my first date with Connor, i dont know why. i wouldnt change anything but that day was really awesome.

63. Are you afraid of falling in love: No. 

64. Was your last relationship a mistake?  well i guess, since i am in a different one right? it wasnt a mistake per-say but he was a waste of time. 

65. Do you miss your last relationship? god no.

66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?

connor, the other day <3

67. Have you ever been depressed?  yeah i have depression.

68. Are you insecure? yeah but im getting better.

69. How do you want to die? in my bed, while asleep.

70. Do you bite your nails?  lol i am currently.

71. When was your last physical fight? Ive never really had one.

72. Do you have an attitude? yeah. i can have one.

73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti? twirl if i ever eat it. i hate spaghetti. Connor loves it though..

74. Do you tan a lot? eh no

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving? yeah usually while on a trip

76. Ever made out in a bathroom? yeah.

77. Would you take any of your exes back? Not at all! Barf.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? depends on the time.

79. What are your plans for this weekend? it is the weekend currently, nothing is planned.

80. Do you type fast? yeah

81. Can you spell well?  i think i do.

82: What are you craving right now? nothing actually.

83. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah a few times.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?  yeah my boyfriend lmao

85. What’s irritating you right now? my dry skin atm.

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? yeah.

87. Does somebody love you? yeah my man does. lmao

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car? a few times

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?  milk. white chocolate is nasty

90. Do you have trust issues?  i kind of do.

91. Longest relationship? my one i am in currently which so far is a one year and 3 months

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? i am sure he thinks about me every so often, i mean i sometimes think about them for no reason and not the “i miss you” thinking just like something reminds me of them or whatver. Im sure they think of me sometime. i dont really care lol

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs? yah lol

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? no

95. Did you have dream last night?  yeah i dont remember it anymore

96. Have you ever been out of state? yeah

97. Do you play the Wii? eh not anymore. i dont like the wii or the wii u, i tried to like the nintendo products but i am more into Playstation ;)

98. Do you like Chinese food?  i do

99. Are you afraid of the dark?  sometimes

100. Is cheating ever okay? No.

101. What year has been your best? 2015 so far and 2016 wasnt really so bad.

102. Do you believe in true love? yeah i guess

103. Favorite weather? fall weather. where its warm but kind of cloudy, where you can wear whatever you want and you wont be too cold or too warm. 

104. Do you like the snow? NO

105. Do you like the outside? yeah i do.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? yeah i like when connor does

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? yes

108. What makes you happy? cats

109. Ever been to Alaska? no

110. Ever been to Hawaii? no 

111. Do you watch the news? usually like to keep an eye on whats happening with the world. like now.

112. Do you love MTV? no

113. Do you like subway? yeah but its not my fav anymore. but i do crave it randomly

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? no lol were dating.

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well my best friend of the opposite sex is my boyfriend..so...

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz? im bored

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? yeah actually one time my mom and i were shopping and we saw this crazy lady that we know. and so we kept avoiding here while we were grocery shopping and we actually got away lol thank god. she is so annoying. When my dad died she told my mom she had to get rid of his pictures. like mcfuck off.

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yeah a few 

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? connor

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Jennifer

121. Ever bought condoms? no. we dont use condoms 

122. Ever gotten pregnant? No. thank god

123. Have you ever slipped on ice? im sure

124 Have you ever missed the bus? yeah

125. Have you left the house without money? i have once. i was working too and on my break i was heading to get food and then i realized i forgot my wallet. -___-

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes? no. just weed.

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar? no 

128. Did you ever drink alcohol? yeah of course.

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?  yes. one of my favs

130. Have you ever been overweight? last year i went on medication that made me gain 20 pounds, but i lost all that weight now thank god. I wasnt over weight but i was kind of chubby. Im back to my skinny-self thank god! 

131. Ever been to a wedding? yeah

132. Ever been in a wedding? yeah my cousin got married in 2013 and asked my sister and i to be apart of it. worst idea ever. We werent really apart of it. she had her friends in it and my sister and i were just kind of the side bridemaids..yah weird.

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yeah back when i didnt have an ipad or iphone.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?  i sometimes binge netflix when im with my boyfriend

135. Ever kissed in the rain? no

136. Did you ever shower with someone else? yeah i have with my boyfriend. it was really intimate lol

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?  i have only ever failed the written exam where they ask you all that stupid shit and you have to remember speed and signs. but my actualy drivig test, i passed first try!

138. Ever been outside your home country? yeah to canada

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? yeah we used to drive to vancouver or south BC which would take 13 hours.

140. Ever been to a professional sports game? NO

141. Have you ever broken a bone? no surprisingly i havent. even though i got hit by a car..

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life? no :(

143. Ever get engaged? no

144. Have you ever been on a diet? kind of.

145. Have you ever been on TV? kind of. not really.

146. Ever ridden in a taxi? yeah. with my boyfriend, its really awkward and weird...

147. Ever been to prom? we dont have prom here in canada but we do get dressed up in nice dresses and have dinner and a dance, but not prom. But yeah i did go.

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more? yeah i think 2 days 

149 Have you ever been to a concert? yeah. my first was...Jonas brothers...BARFFF. thanks 12 year old me -.-

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work? i did have a little crush on the security guard. but not a big crush.

151. Have you ever been in a car accident?  i got hit by a car

152. Ever had braces? yeah from 12-14. (gr.6-8)

153. Did you ever learn another language? i tried french. but i cant speak it. i gave up. I wish i could learn something different.

154. Do you wear make-up? yeah. 

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out? yeah when i was 18 i got put completely out and had surgery to get them out.

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself? yeah. 

157. Ever dyed your hair? yeah ive dyed it reddish, darker brown, fire ombre (look it up it was awesome), blonde, ash blonde, blonde with purple tips and then now i just dyed it back to brown which is its natural colour. i like it blonde but im starting to like it back at its natural state.

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes? yeah ive worn my sisters clothes

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance? no

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter? no

161. Ever caught the stove on fire? no

162. Ever meet someone famous? no

163. Ever been on an airplane? yeah i was only on a plane from here (canada) to california and back. but thats it. my first time it was really nerve-racking, but on the way back it was chill. i dont like being that high up lol

164. Ever been on a boat? yeah a few times. its kay

165. Ever broken something expensive? no

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14? no. my first actual kiss wasnt til i was 18..lol

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground? yeah my fucking life.

#long #survey #myspace survey #surveys

[uniformbravo]

ok so. my day today

basically i spent a long fucking time today trying to Finally get off my ass and scan my traditional drawings so i can post them to my art blog, because like i have been drawing but these days the vast majority of my art is traditional sketches that im too lazy to scan so my art blog never gets updated and i rly want to work on that (i stg some of this shit is literally so old it’s from 2016 but whateverrrrr)

mostly the reason im finally doing this is that i don’t wanna wait too long to post my mp100 shit bc i’ve been drawing a Fucking Lot of that so i have enough to make a few posts now and i wanna get them uploaded while they’re still fresh, u know. the thing is since i was gonna scan those pages i decided it’d be a fun neat idea to scan the entire rest of the sketchbook bc Why Not

well i’ll tell u Why Not, there are several reasons Why Not:

it takes 12 yrs to scan everything because not only are there a shitload of pages but also the sketchbook is too big for the scanner so i have to do some pages 4 times to get all the edges and it’s horrible and bad, legitimately i was standing there for over an hour scanning this book, i put on an hr long video in the bg and got all the way through it and i Still wasn’t done

On Top Of That the scanner is kind of fucking garbage, as scanners are, so i have to take each image into photoshop to edit so they dont look entirely like trash (they still look kind of trashy anyway)

then for the multiple scan pages i have to patch them together so the images are complete / not blurry

then i have to collage all the drawings i want together because a lot of pages are either incomplete or only have like 1 thing i want to show on them so i spend like 100 years trying to arrange everything semi-nicely so that it’s, like, even slightly presentable, Maybe (idk i think the compilations tend to feel really cluttered tbh but Whatever it’s my STYLE), and also i have to take into account tumblr’s formatting so i usually have to make everything fit on a canvas either 540px or 1080px wide (this is even worse for pixel art bc it needs to be exactly 540px to look nice but i digress, we are talking about traditional art here)

so uh yeah that’s my process and Boy is it a Fucking Process

i think im complaining more rn because i have like a year’s worth of sketches im trying to deal with here, like. good god. i spent maybe two and a half hours working on this today (after the first hour of scanning things, just the scanning) and i did not get even halfway through the scans, and that’s just for the photo-editing stage, i haven’t even started putting together the compilations yet

god and like the Other Fucking Piece Of Shit Thing My Scanner Does is it tries to do this Smart Technology Bullshit and decide for itself where the paper ends instead of looking at, like, the actual paper’s boundaries, so even if i line everything up perfectly, a small part of the image fucking always gets cut off and if i were a stronger person i would engage in the full process of scanning the images, taking the flash drive back to my laptop, opening each image one by one to figure out which ones got cut off, going back to the scanner and re-scanning the pages and just repeating the process over and over until everything is in order but as it stands i do not have eighty-five thousand fucking years on my hands nor even a fraction of the mental capacity required to pull that off so we are just going 2 sit down & deal with some cropped images like mature adults

(tbh with all the cons of scanning the art, and there are a Lot of cons, i feel like it would probably make more sense to just take pictures using a camera instead, but on the other hand do not get me started on lighting, focus, unsteady hands, sifting through millions of copies of the same photo trying to determine which one came out the clearest, retaking photos that didn’t work out, back aching from being hunched over the paper for so long trying to get the perfect straight-down angle w/o casting any shadow, etc etc etc)

im just??? honestly, typing all of this out is making me sit back and think why?? why am i even doing this. this is so much goddamn effort for shit that probably won’t get very much attention, which is fine and all but god. jesus christ. im really putting myself through some shit for this

in any case i think i’ll probably be posting some of the more recent stuff first, like all the mp100 shit because like i said i want to post it while it’s still fresh and if i work on this whole project in chronological order u probably won’t see the things i drew this week until like next year hgkdslkdgn

#retag later #talkin bout life

[sylvermyth]

2016 Year in Fics

I’m totally stealing the idea from @caseyvalhalla​ (minus all the stats because I have way too many little fics....also I might’ve cheated by copy/pasting them from my fic directory.....)

Total words for 2016:  144,768

This year’s top trends:

unfinished WIP that I keep saying I’ll update

not updating said WIP

a bazillion short fics

branching out with kinkfics and rarepairs and other fandoms

Goals for 2017:

get the ball rolling on this year’s fic writing

finish at least ONE of my WIP (probably Matters of Pride)

write more in other fandoms

write more.

Eternal thanks to:

@apiegohome​ (waifu!) and @nicayal​ for keeping me motivated all year long, listening to whatever nonsense happens to be coming out my mouth at any given moment...also for the figure skating AU (and especially nicayal for your wealth of figure skating knowledge) AND also for helping host @kh-worldsconnected​.

@princess-wasabi​ for always being enthusiastic about my writing, no matter what it is, and for providing me with so, so much art, ilusm my dear.  <3

@savaage-nymph​ and @keybaes​ for also spoiling me with art

@caseyvalhalla​ SEMPAI NOTICED ME!!  No, but seriously, chatting has been such a pleasure, and the solidarity of two non-traditional students has been very helpful these past couple months.  Also your input has been indispensable

many, many others who support my writing through tags, comments, replies, IMs, etc.  <3

PS:  putting the fic list under the cut because it got kinda long....

Matters of Pride (WIP) Rating: T Word Count: 16,113 Pairings: Sora/Riku Fantasy, modern AU Art/fic exchange with @savaage-nymph​ He’d never seen someone look so removed from their surroundings; sure, everybody lived in their own bubble while riding the train, but when Sora looked at him, it was more like he was on a different plane of existence.  Of course, that could have just been Sora being dramatic. Chapter 1: The 7:05 Chapter 2: Just a Scratch Chapter 3: Stalked Chapter 4: Coming to Terms Chapter 5: Instincts Chapter 6: Resources Chapter 7: Under a Dream Sky

Pilfering Silver (WIP) Rating: T Word Count: 9,768 Pairings: Sora/Riku Fantasy, genie AU #november Sora grew up as a street rat.  A mysterious boy, Ku, joined him on his adventures, until one day he disappears.  Sora seeks his friend afterward, and what he finds isn’t quite what he expected.  Can he be reunited with the boy he’s come to care for so much? Chapter 8: Competition Chapter 9: In Favor Chapter 10: Under Scrutiny Chapter 11: Incongruent

A Branded Nobody (WIP) Rating: M Word Count: 9,119 Pairings: Platonic only; Sea Salt Trio Fantasy, slavery AU; warnings for angst/drama, self-destructive thoughts, and references of abuse. It was there, just on the edge of the sector, that Axel’s focus turned to the dull blue eyes, flat like unpolished stones, but still such a stunning hue under those lowered lids.  Perhaps it wasn’t the best criteria to choose a slave by, but then, Axel had always been peculiar like that. Chapter 2: Cautious Steps Chapter 3: Nobody’s Name Chapter 4: Shades Between

Iced

Summary: All that glitters is not gold. Sometimes it’s just an overdressed ice skater trying to regain an ounce of composure after superman-bellyflopping a jump in front of his coach. But hey, everyone has off days. Since qualifying for Nationals and an unexpected locker room encounter with his fellow Sectionals medalist, Roxas has just been having a few more than usual of late.

Main pairing: AkuRoku Rating: T (for now) Chapter word count: 13,013 Co-Authors: @sylvermyth, @apiegohome, @nicayall AO3 Collection: http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Iced

- Sparks and Sparkles - Namesake - Ugly Duckling - At Second Glance - Charity Case - Shine a little

Partager (YOI) Rating: G Word Count: 1240 If anything, it was a sign of trust that Victor left Makkachin in the care of the Katsuki family.  In the care of Yuuri.

Patinage (YOI) Rating: G Word Count: 3643 “Yuuri…” Victor knelt in front of him, and Yuuri hissed in pain when Victor pulled one battered foot into his lap. “How long have you been a skater, hm?” It was chiding, but Victor’s hands were gentle as he inspected tender blisters and welts. “How are you supposed to skate your best when your feet are in such a poor state?”

sentiment (YOI) Rating: G Word Count: 1050 For all that Hasetsu was completely foreign to Victor, it was almost a relief to be there.  Never mind the Japanese assaulting his ears, the illegible signs, the culture that should be shocking him. The food was fantastic, the alcohol potent, and the hot springs—well, Victor was taking full advantage of that.

Glace (Yuri on Ice) Rating: T Word Count: 985 Yurio introspective. His wins feel empty, and when Victor runs off to Japan, he has a moment of self-discovery.

Coming Undone Rating: E Word Count: 2519 Pairing: VanVen Ventus fantasizes about Vanitas, even though he knows Vanitas is dangerous.  Somehow, that makes it more exciting.

Girls’ Night Out Rating: T Word Count: 5180 #yyhbb Divergence from Three Kings arc:  with most of Team Urameshi occupied in demon world, and Kuwabara cramming for exams, the human world is being assaulted by low-level criminals trying to take advantage of the absence of a spirit detective.    However, just because there’s no spirit detective, doesn’t mean there’s no one to defend against troublesome demons.  “So what do you say, Botan?  How about us girls tackle the problem, this time?”

Love Lessons Rating: T Word Count: 6172 Pairing: SoRiku Riku is the socially awkward math teacher.  Sora is the new PE teacher. Riku is instantly smitten, even as he embarrasses himself by spilling his coffee on Sora’s shoes. Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Learning Curve Rating: M Word Count: 2329 Pairing: SoRiku Sequel to Love Lessons.  Sora and Riku have done little more than kissing, until Riku suggests a night in.  PWP, fluff.

statera Rating:  T Word Count: 1764 Pairing: VanVen (ish) #worldsconnected 2k16 The room where Ven slept remained undiscovered, and the world met its fate, even as he waited. And waited. And still, neither Aqua nor Terra came to wake him, and really, without his friends, he had no reason to wake. So he slumbered on.  No matter how well protected a place, or a person, there was always one thing that would find a way, past wards, and locked doors. Time.

I move the stars for no one Rating: G Word Count: 5592 Pairing: SoRiku (ish) #worldsconnected 2k16 …if they wanted it bad enough, humans could see the Goblin Realm, and the goblins who lived there.  Sora had always been that kind of person. He was a daydreamer, and saw a little bit of magic in everything. He’d always thought that there was a little bit more to the world than the world let on, and he wasn’t wrong, even if he didn’t know it.  A Labyrinth adaptation.

The draw of dreams Rating: T Word Count: 4798 Pairing: NamShi #worldsconnected 2k16 Miss Larxene and Mister Marluxia had taken her in readily enough, and they’d been gracious to her. Kind. At first. It had happened so gradually that she didn’t notice until it was too late. A sharp word over a small matter, until one word became a torrent of them, and then one day, the words were punctuated by blows. Not that anyone would’ve known, with the layers of petticoats that fashion decreed she wear, and long sleeves covering the bruises on her arms, and even if they had, who would care? She had no one.

The Light-keeper Rating: M Word Count: 2210 Pairing: AkuRoku #AkuRoku Month 2k16 The waves had broken above the rocks, leaving a trail of splintered wood, and there, clinging just above the waterline, was a man.  Roxas hesitated, searching for a safe path before climbing down to his aid.   “Hey.  Are you alive?”  Roxas groped for the the man’s arm, eyes straining against the darkness and rain that was still falling.

On the other end Rating: M Word Count: 1897 Pairing:  AkuRoku Roxas froze, eyes narrowing as he processed the overheard conversation. Of course he’d only heard one side of it, and out of context at that.   But even out of context, the last part of the conversation implied that Axel was lying to him about something.

Locksmith Rating: T Word Count: 1580 Pairing: Zemyx The apartment’s sole occupant, sitting in an armchair and sipping tea, was not Axel, and Demyx, in his surprise, said as much: “You’re not Axel.”  “No,” the man agreed.

Appropriation Rating: M Word Count:  1887 Pairing: AkuNo Heist/con man AU where Reno runs a ‘legitimate business’ and recruits Axel.

The cake is a lie Rating: T Word Count: 2474 Pairing: AkuRoku #fandomworkday2016 There’s nothing sweet about working at Minnie’s Bakery.   It’s a combination of retail and food service, with the usual run of cranky customers, and a manager who’s over-critical and overly creepy in turns.  It’s really not Roxas’s day, but that’s nothing unusual.  What is unusual is what’s waiting for him at the end of the day, a spark of light at the end of the tunnel.  Written for Take Your Fandom To Work Day 2016.

Voyeur Rating: M Word Count: 1458 Pairings: AkuRoku Roxas likes to watch his new neighbor.

Rikuzel Rating: T Word Count: 2816 Pairings: SoRiku Rapunzel, but with Riku.

Angora Roving Rating: T Word Count: 2291 Pairings: SoRiku Easter 2k16 In which Sora decides to adopt a pet rabbit, whose name is Riku.

Self-Indulgence Rating: E Word Count: 3521 Pairings: SoRiku microphilia kinkfic Even if the cookies didn’t say “Eat me,” they were still begging to be eaten, they were still from Wonderland, and Sora still shrunk down to size.  Instead of finding a way back to scale, Sora sets out to cause some mischief…and gets more than he bargained for. Part two, Incubi:  Sora and Roxas are incubi, and Axel is their prey.  PWP. Self-Indulgence Incubi

Organic Chemistry: Rating: T Word Count: 4808 Pairings: Zemyx, AkuRoku College AU; Christmas/Winter fic #khsecretsanta 2015 Lazy. Articulate. Enthusiastic. Hot. Zexion mentally ticked off the adjectives he’d accumulated for his chemistry professor, and tried to remember when he’d started using that last one. It was pointless and stupid to be infatuated with an instructor. Nothing would come of it except disappointment, although he had to admit, the way he fixated on the cadence of the guy’s voice during lectures made Orgo all the more interesting.

DRABBLES:

(non-KH fics) It Suits - 414 words, Kurahi (YYH), #halloween 2k16 stitch by stitch - 639 words, gen (Natsume Yuujinchou) provoked - 568 words, KuraHi (YYH) à la mode - 439 words, Keiko and Botan (YYH) small comforts - 872 words, KuraHi (YYH) Hot and Cold - 1376 words, KuraHi (YuYu Hakusho)

(KH fics) Costume Not Found - 210 words, LeaKu, #halloween 2k16 Invite - 710 words, SoRiku, #halloween 2k16 Nightmare - 690 words, #halloween 2k16 haunted house - 560 words, SoRiku, #halloween 2k16 Permanent Ink - 958 words, AkuRoku under cover - 511 words, LeaKu first impressions - 1018 words, AkuRoku, #akuroku month 2k16 Strays - 1328 words, AkuRoku, #akuroku month 2k16 Trussed - 806 words, AkuRoku, #akuroku month 2k16 Butterscotch - 835 words, AkuRoku, #akuroku month 2k16 heat sink - 450 words, AkuRoku, #akuroku month 2k16 Blocked - 712 words, AkuRoku Long Distance Call - 844 words, SoRoku Sea Salt GO - 647 words, Sea Salt Trio Intimate - 754 words, Zemyx hold on tight  - 794 words, LeaKu On the grass, under the stars - 844 words, AkuRoku Inseparable - 1084 words, SoRiku Brave Lies - 465 words, SoRiku Words without Voice - 533 words, LeaKu When the Rain Comes - 836 words, LeaKu Vermilion - 988 words, AkuNo Quattro Formaggi and Kraft Mac n Cheese - 1216 words, AkuRoku Cottontail - 467 words, RiKai Tempus fugit - 1314 words, AkuRoku En Pointe - 964 words, AkuRoku Soothing Scars - 1498 words, SoRiku Sneaking about - 738 words, LeaKu Flamme Noire - 1125 words, AkuRoku (1st person) Write something beautiful - 593 words, Leon/Riku To Seal The Deal - 625 words, Larx/Dem Allegory of a Nobody - 799 words, LeaKu, about depression For You - 1312 words, SoRiku Preserving Echoes - 436 words, NamShi Duplicity - 662 words, SoRiRoku Change of Heart - 613 words, AkuSai Always - 519 words, SoRiku, tragedy Different People - 672 words, Lea/Riku Tempest - 960 words, Cleon Siren/pirate fic Stetson - 604 words, AkuRoku Bound - 539 words, SoRiku, non-explicit/non-sexual kink

#writing #my writing #2016 in review

[shadzennjakereak]

Thoughts of a vulnerable man and well, it’s my life story. Kinda

~~So to lead this off, this was a mostly comprised as a message I would send to my closest friend. But well, for archival purposes I wanted to leave this here on my dead af Tumblr account because, well that is what I use it for afterwards. So if some things read somewhat oddly, it is probably due to it being written as a letter in sorts for someone.~~

------ Well... hm.... I'll hit on the major things kinda like I have when I have done therapy in the past. So uh... when shad was a young boy, roughly around 10, I was at a mom's side family Christmas party and me and my female cousin of the same age, Erin, was playing around. Another cousin of mine, whos name I forget, was roughly 15 years old brought us to the basement and pretty much tried to make us fuck. So yes, I was partially molested as a child, LUCKILY my young brain kinda knew this was not normal and grabbed my brother, while im fully naked, and well he got involved and stopped it. However the entire family outside of the immediate, sided with my older cousin and well my family got cut out of my mother's side. As for Father's side, well they are all in Maryland so I have never met them.

Now fast forward a few years, im a shy kid whatever nothing much happens. We get into Highschool where I have my friend group and this one girl I'm hard crushing on who so happens to be my closest friend. Her name was Micky, very weird girl, always cosplaying and well... Everyone assumed we were dating because well even at school we were always like cuddling and shit, HOWEVER we never did. She pretty much had a sugar daddy the entire time and the one time I knew in Senior year that she was single, I asked her out and well, was rejected and pretty from there we stopped interacting. So I not only lost my closest friend, but also well felt the pain of rejection of the one who I was in love with.

Now suddenly in highschool I'm desperate to get laid after getting rejected and well, turn to craigslist, find a milf who takes my virginity, cool. While that was very vanilla it was a fun learning experience. I did know my baseline kinks at this point. I kinda immediatly learned all that early into my life. Highschool was easy going more or less. I had great grades without trying much and looked decent, despite only having a singular relationship, back in 8th grade, at this point so I kinda never had that confidence in me. Hm... well highschool passes and I reject a couple small scholarships for wrestling because I'm an idiot. I enroll into Eastern Michigan University.

This would be my first time away from home pretty much ever and adulting for myself. It went terribly. This is what broke me and has been the root of my mental issues. I went to some classes, did fine, but this mother fucking Friday 2-d art class was from 8am - 6pm. I was going for a computer graphics animation degree which I absolutely love to this day, but well I despise drawing and that was all this class was. I hated it so much and couldn't even wake up for it that I stopped going. I got scared of how my parents would react and hid this information until the very end of the semester where they found out. I failed that class and another due to attendance (despite having an A in the class itself).

I agreed with my parents to retake those two courses. I did, but immediatly into I fell back into the slump. I was alone again, only person close to me was Dra, my roommate. My friends from highschool never contacted me, and I ignored family. I was utterly alone so I decided to attempt to take my life. Due to a miracle Dra was there and prevented this. So I lived. However as the year went on I grew scared and frightful of going home, so I ran. I decided to work at Cedar Point which is in Ohio and has on-boarding rooms. So I went there without telling my parents why.

Eventually my father would gank me at Cedar Point and I told him everything that happened. He was just disapointed, but happy to at least talk to me again for the first time in honestly 1.5years. While I was working there I made close friends, as Dra also worked here and I met others. I at least started to feel some happiness again since leaving highschool. I had one relationship with  a girl while working there. It kinda ended due to her not accepting my kinks when I told her. I also had another girl who was interested in me, but she refused to date me because she didn't want to do Long Distance once we stopped working at Cedar Point for the season. Well, Cedar Point closed at the end of October for the 2016 season. I had to go back home.

I go back home with my family and just bum there. I am not looking for a job or looking to go back to class. I was only playing games, eating, and sleeping. Eventually my father got sick of my shit and got me a temp job at his workplace at the end of December of that year. I worked there for a month helping reorganize files for the Human Resources department to help them with their acquistion of another company. At the end of January 2017, they offered me a full-time job as a Human Resources Intern. I had no interest... but my father convinced me to take the job as a way to get paid schooling down the line. So I accepted.

Throughtout the year I do what I can, but my emotional state is all sorts of fucked. I am working a 8-5 job that is an hour away. I am not a morning person as you know. I wake up around 6am every day for this job and well, my body cant handle it. I got into a major car accident on my way home from work one day. I luckily had no injuries nor the person I hit, but my car got totalled. I continue working. I do what I can, but one of the woman I worked under hated my work. She was always critiquing me, giving me bs tasks to do, and just never really letting me feel like I do decent work, and never teaching me anything. I had no prior experience or education for this job for christs' sake! She wares down on my mental regularly.

It wasn't much better at home. My mother constantly is yelling at me to lose weight, that I look like shit, I need to take care of myself, I need to go back to school. She never complimented me. So my own Mother and this woman at work were 2 devils in my ears that broke me down more and more everyday with nowhere safe to hide. It destroyed me. However Acri comes along and says "Hi, here's Kelsey" around July of 2017. This was my first real girlfriend. Things were happy and great at first. She helped me with my mental and so on. However you know how her story arc goes.

Now back at work, it was October 2016. I get into another car accident after falling asleep while driving into work. I was right outside of the office when this happened, so everyone there knew this was happening. I get this taken care of with the police and the report. I go into my dad's office to avoid people as he offered to, and would let me file the insurance stuff. But, the woman who berated me regulary came knocking on the office door and saying "Hello? You ever going to come to your desk and actually do work today?" This is when I break... I shut the door on her and text my dad to come back asap. I tell him what happened and he agrees to fire me for unemployment benefits. I am unemployed yet again.

I go for most of October and November jobless. I eventually pick a job up at Panera Bread in December of 2017. I am still dating Kelsey, and we have met IRL a few times now. She despises my family due to a few stupid disputes. She refuses to hear rhyme or reason and just hates them without compromise. However working at Panera was nice. I met a lot of people there and was working evening shifts, so I had a regular sleep schedule that wouldn't cause driving accidents. While working there I need to leave home, my mother is still berating me and tearing me apart at home. I start looking into an apartment, and while doing so, Kelsey insists she needs to leave her home state of Pennsylvania. I feel like we are ready to move in together thinking things were okay. I settled on in apartment in June 2018.

After taking a week off, I move into the aprtment myself with my parents help, and Kelsey shortly after. My parents and kelsey had a major argument at this point. My parents insisted on having the apartment key to tidy up things while I spent the weekend driving to PA to move Kelsey's shit, and Kelsey despised this idea as anything my parents did was evil in her eyes. So they argued and argued. My mom also eventually would find my sex toy in my room back home and we had a major argument about those. She would call me the Devil's child and we never would really be on "friendly" terms again.

Well after moving Kelsey into my new apartment, I realize the mistake I made. She is useless as a human being. She does nothing to help around the apartment. I am working full time and the only one capable of driving. Kelsey would sit home and do nothing but eat and game. She did no chores, and if I asked her to, she would yell at me. We had no sex life either. She strung me along making me act like a father, driving her where she needed to go, buying her groceries, doing chores at home. I sacrificed everything and would never recieve anything in return. She eventually would break up with my at the start of February 2019. I was destroyed, but this was thankfully something that had to happen. While I was destroyed and heavily suicidal again, I eventually recovered and started going to therapy. Also mind you Kelsey was blaming me for things, she was saying how I needed to get better, how I was the lazy one, how I didn't do enough to make her happy.

So after about 2 weeks of devestation, I start recovering thanks to Acri and Nevan. They help me through this time, but I am however still stuck living with Kelsey for about 4 more months. She already has a new boyfriend. That, is oddly suspicious, but fine whatever. I play nice, I keep being Kelsey's father but I refuse to do any more cooking for her. She at the very least must feed herself. She starts to claim I'm abusing her and enjoy watching her suffer. March of 2019 she decides to have her new boyfriend visit. I am so against this and tell them to get a hotel room. Kelsey says they cant for a whole week, which was how long he was staying. We compromise on them having a hotel for the initial weekend, then they sleep on the couch of the apartment for the rest of the duration. Well this happens and I mostly just ignore them during this shit. Her new boyfriend, who was named in discord as, Dragon Daddy, finally leaves.

The following month Kelsey goes out to visit him, I finally have a week away from Kelsey. I feel great and so on. She eventually comes back, we get into more arguments on the regular. She eventually disappears randomly at the start of June 2019. The last month of the apartment. She is gone without saying anything and barely taking anything of hers. She doesn't respond to me for a days. I'm somewhat concerened but fine whatever. She eventually says she is gone and not coming back. She left her shit here though. Near the start of July I come back home from work. The apartment is TRASHED, about 50% of her stuff is gone. I guess she came by and took it without a word. She doesn't respond to messages. I move out in July and into a new apartment the following month.

Kelsey reaches out again and is asking to get the security deposit for our apartment, which I personally fully paid for. I tell her no and she has no claim to it. We argue about it until I block her because I refuse to deal with it. We packed the things she left at my apartment into boxes and send her a message that says she has one month to give us a shipping address or else it is all going into the trash. She responds with "Never contact me again, I refuse to talk to Jacob due to his abuse of me." I have not heard from her since.

And now we move onto the new stuff. I did start a new job in November of 2018 at Potbelly. It was nicer than Panera due to a lighter work load. And my life is starting to go up. I was recieving therapy which helped and eventually had to stop due to insurance not allowing more sessions. But I'm on an up trend. Things are going well, 13Noobz roster was going well until that exploded, so we talked and decided to find Lost Collective. It has its issues, but I am proud of it. And Due to LCST I have made wonderful new friends, and well of course Tay, being the best. I honestly do love you, and I'm happy to have met you and hope Acri makes you happy, as you deserve it. And of course everyone that has joined my Discord has been wonderful, and due to living with Brian, me and him have rekindled our brotherly bonds.

Of course I'm not perfect, especially mentally and physically. I don't look great, I still have depression, which definetly spikes up in Winter (seasonal depression). But, well, for now at the very least I can say I'm content with my life. I have friends who actually care about me for the first time, well ever. Acri has also recently come back into my life majorly which is nice. So I have my solid foundation of Nevan, Tay, and Acri. The 3 people closest to me. And of course I love interacting with the others. I just, well am not use to this. I haven't had friends since highschool, and definetly not ones who are as close to me as I am close to them. It's nice to have my own love and affection for my friends be returned in full.

[aloneinthemorning-blog]

Day 1... of a new year... let’s slightly reflect.

well it’s Jan 1st.. I told myself a while ago I would try to have journal going forward. I hear it’s great with depression, I suppose... anyway, 2017 was probably my roughest year. It just seemed like I had no breaks all year round. no good friends, no love interest. you really don’t know whats it’s like to be alone all the time. work really long and hard shifts, come home to nothing. check your phone to nothing. no one checking on you. its far harder than before, maybe because this is still on-going... before I had small durations of fun, maybe love. another thing that made this year so bad, my best friend at the time had finally moved back in town. we were always close, of course I got him on his feet, got him a nice fun job to make some money. things were great at first. as the time went by I found myself wanting more out of life and i guess that rubbed him the wrong way, we became distant. parts of me always resented him, he was extremely lazy and this time around it seemed he was at his lowest in terms of moral. he just wasnt trying to become anything and i wanted no parts. before i couldnt see it but now i can... he was CRAZY TOXIC. the people he used and never thanked, he always casted blames onto the people who helped him the most. His mother, His girlfriend, ME. I didnt know how bad he was affecting my mental until I really looked into other’s people’s friendship. they were nothing like mines. I mean almost every friend I had was like this. I’m sure this stems from me being raised from a bad situation... maybe I ling to this type of toxic people because it’s all I know? I’m still trying to figure out why// but as of today I don’t talk to this person anymore. I grew the courage to cut them off. it was hard because now I know I have noting.. but in return at least my mind and heart is safe and wont be attacked. 2017 was basically an on going battle of should I do this or not, I wish I had more to reflect on but honestly I didnt do a thing last year. My most depressing year. 2016 was awful too, lots of failed attempts of love... damn tinder... I’m not sure how one writes this, this is my first time writing in a journal/diary. I do know I have to be completely honest for this to ease me. it’s Jan 1st and I’m feeling the bullshit from people, no one telling me a happy new year, no one checking if im even alive. it hurts and worst thing about this I caved in and wrote my ex GF on facebook. she will more than likely ignore it... this hurts

#depression #help me #new years #diary #journal #struggle

[funnyparadox-blog]

A Little Story for the Daring

Alright, so I’ve never had any intentions on trying to write a story, well in my case type a story. This story is about me, in a first person view, and its all true. But over the past few changing months, I figured that an interesting story could be erupted. I’m an extremely simple person, nothing matters about my personal life, just the fact that I’m simple. I’m not very far into my years either, so that may help explain some side topics. Around a year ago I dabbled into the world of cannabis, and i chose to for 3 reasons. 1.) I was curious, most everyone in family has and some still do, and my immediate family has a very nice life. 2.) I was having some bad days, ( more details later ) 3.) I was a dick, like not a rude person, but everyone got my shade, no matter how hard i tried to be nice. So now with some understanding on that, it wasn’t peer pressure, I’ve never been a bad son to my mother, and she was informed before, during, and after i smoked. I immediately became “interested” with no job, no money, and this little secret, things at first weren't desperate ( nor have they became since then ). This night was fun, and that night i slept better than i ever had before. I don’t like NyQuil , I mean like you were getting surgery and they put you under. Ive always had a little bit of trouble sleeping, so this was a dream come true to me. During the following months I did get a job, and started saving for my first job, i was also at the time smoking more regularly, and I wasn’t putting more then 10% of my paycheck towards it. Well through the summer, I worked, and smoked. Those were really the only 2 things that I did. My job was labor, and i never missed work, i was never late, often times i rode a bike to work. Well summer ends, onto job number 2. Along with this the interaction of people that i lacked during my bland summer. I wasn’t becoming nicer, but i was becoming more tolerable to people. With a very short temper, anything set me off, well my temper went from a solid 0 to maybe a 30% ( and i mean like how much i could tolerate if it was converted to a percent ). And this was progress for me, because this didn’t get me new friends, but it brought back some old ones. Especially my mom, She has always been my number 1 fan, and i treated her like dirt. Well i was getting closer with her, and she started learning more about my life that she had longed to know. Like just simple things, like “ What do you want to do when you grow up “ things that brought us closer and closer. So carry on to mid-November, i just get my car paid off ( it was a special little deal where i paid half up front and then the rest 2 months later ). I’m debt less! the nicest feeling in a teenagers life. Then i lost my second job, more specifically laid off. So back to being broke ( i had spent all my savings on this car ). Well back to putting in applications everyday and stuff. Well about 2 weeks in, I start getting desperate and more and more places are getting my applications. Well i finally get an interview. I did get hired at the interview, and this job would last me through the holidays ( i hated this job, i don’t want to go into detail in this story ). and i’m still actively smoking at this point ( with slight breaks in between so i don’t go broke ). now come early December, I’m this new nice person who is making new friends, and reconnecting with old ones, things are getting better. Way back in early 2016 ( when this story takes place ) I dreaded everything, i was at an all time low. Well come December i’m finding a place in my life, I enjoy going out, I enjoy not being a slob. This was a game changer, but there was still a few things, mainly my style. I still haven't found one, i was growing my hair out, and not shaving. I was very unfortunate with getting hit with facial hair at a pretty early age, so i had a beard from not shaving for 2 months. This is still not a good time in my life, but im friendly, nice and my temper was probably at 85% now, and me and mom are best friends, she is side kick in everything ( no this won’t be sad, were still best friends to this day ). This new me is social, nice, and pretty cool to be around. So routine sticks, work, school, with a bit more social activities. Now comes January, the holidays were great i had a lot of fun being with family and getting presents and stuff. right before new years i shaved, which was a big move to me, I’m getting rid of something that been with me for 3 months now. What made me the happiest is i didn’t get a big deal from it. So the work dies down, now its school, and an extremely social life, but my savings is dropping. I continue living into February, which was good, and bad. I met and amazing girl who i still text daily, but i lost my job, was part of the seasonal cut. But i did get a haircut, and that was key. So many people disliked my long hair, and many people did like my short hair, so it was a win. This was the Feb-March routine. School, goof around for 3-4 hours, do some job applications, and occasionally see this girl. But I’m happy, happier than i have ever been. And I’m glad things started going the way they were. I got another job, i still see this girl, and i still smoke. I am at highest point in my life, and I’m not lazy slob anymore. 

If 1 person reads this, it wont bother me. i typed this out for me to look back on in a few years, More stories will come, some directly over certain things, others over random life stories, but i hope you enjoyed this if you read all the way to here. :)

#my story #inspiration #maybe