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#so like idk but the mindset thats like 'i must be perfect at this thing the first time i try it or i will cry and quit immediately
cryptidiopathic · 1 year
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Perfectionism cringe more at 11
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ibolyafagyi · 2 years
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been going through a phase recently where everything seems ridiculously obviously boring and meaningless. my mind has become the kind of place where u hear stuff like "ugh why look at a painting dear god its all so boring and obvious and shallow how do you get paid for that" and "why listen to anything why read anything it literally doesnt help" and "why post anything why say anything i can literally feel myself becoming stupid theres not a thing im sure of anymore so whats the point". somehow nothing gave me anything anymore n i lost curiosity, even the energy to intake things. i stopped being able to express myself much bc i *was* smart before and i knew things and i used to function well but now all those things dont work or lost their meaning, their effect, their depth. i think my feeling for things might be coming back (maybe just a bit) bc i can look at a painting again and not feel so nothing but i very well remember being horribly disinterested in composition and colors with the knowledge that it was the most exciting thing to me before, and i feel like it must not be that hard to fall back into the nothing state. its a thing of feeling! you can only sense depth when you approach with some kind of mindset? i dont know. i dont give much credit or reliance to mbti, but recently realized i got the isfj result both times i got ill enough to ask for help. its primary function is introverted sensing. another result i remember getting from a better time is infp, with introverted feeling. maybe i need abstract inner values for myself? i remember how good it felt to just decide this is important to me for no reason. this is my thing and i dont need to explain or search for a reason. but that also sounds kind of stupidly idealistic... and im not sure im able to do it. but like im beginning to think if i continue being so realistic in my perception of things im gonna go insane.
i need to cut some slack on making everything so 100% clear. it goes for expressing myself, taking things in, completing a story fully. i need to bring back my stupid sentimentality. (maybe i got here bc of that ridiculously high-bar seminar paper i needed to work on all semester. or well, all of university and academics has this horrible fact-checking side to it.) i dont know where from to take resources for that -- idk if i function like this bc perfection fuels me, and if i dont have that but im not *guaranteed* to enjoy feeling things like before, then what... no one ever tells you you can suffer from being too objective, conscientious, hardworking. "u dont need to be a perfectionist" ok but thats just a few words, meanwhile most of the world operates in a way that rewards perfectionism. im gonna hate telling this to my psychologist bc thats also a place where i dont know how to approach things lightly and abstractly and it makes me suffer. i routinely feel stupid and exhausted and empty after psych sessions. like overwhelmingly stupid, like i dont understand the most basic things about myself and the world anymore. once somethings been questioned and i cant really answer im like huh? out the window that goes i guess, that was stupid of me i guess. when she asks more details about anything i feel like im a criminal whose story is falling apart. idk how to bring this text to a positive closure but ill keep the idea of sentimentality around, what can you do. i wanna solve my problems but i cant take the perfectionist approach to that. i cant be "good enough" to the psychologist, and i shouldnt attempt it, but i can only swing it the other way like "guess ill be a nuisance then". if i sense i cant continue being as good in human relationships, as attentive and whatever cuz i got shit going on, the thought of "i need to become a nuisance" surfaces. i guess i became a nuisance. but thats got entirely nothing to do with me i feel. i need to tell that friend eventually the things that bothered me in our relationship. or we will never talk again, might happen too. im just unable to make the painful experience of bringing up shit and the anxiety of waiting for a reply into a situation of self respect and self empowerment. (what do i say here.... once again, unable to bring things to a clean close.)
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fishoutofcamelot · 3 years
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BBC Merlin - in particular, its fandom - really ought to take on the Danny Phantom mindset when it comes to secret-keeping.
For context, Danny Phantom is a show about a boy who gets turned into a ghost, but must hide this from his parents who happen to be ghost hunters by pretending he's still fully alive. Obviously he keeps this a secret from them, for fear of what they would do to him if they ever found out what he was. Secret-keeping hijinks and glossed-over angst ensue.
And trust me, if you think the magic in BBCM is a queer allegory, just wait till you watch Danny Phantom.
Never in the series is Danny's secrecy viewed as a bad thing. In fact, both canon and an overwhelming majority of the 'phandom' are in agreement that even though his parents wound up accepting him in the end, their anti-ghost rhetoric made him feel extremely unsafe - and on that basis alone he was under no obligation to tell them his secret. The narrative isn't framed as Danny being responsible for his parents' views - instead, the responsibility is on his parents alone to abandon their prejudices and become better people.
Thats not to say Danny is free from accountability, of course. While DP is far from perfect, one thing it does rather well is explore the ways families can drift apart, and how maintaining relationships is a team effort. Danny pushes his parents away - and for good reason - but in the process he also pushes away any opportunity for reconciliation, assuming the worst of his parents for his own safety even in the face of their personal growth.
Sound familiar?
Likewise, Merlin is also constantly surrounded by dangerous, harmful rhetoric against himself and people like him. Arthur in particular is often either actively espousing or remaining passive in the face of this rhetoric. Like, I really do love Arthur, but it would be a disservice to his character to pretend he was always entirely in the right. And we could go in circles about whether or not Arthur deserved to know, or what he would/wouldn't have done if he found out Merlin's secret. The bottom line is, Merlin didn't feel safe. Arthur's words and actions directly contributed to Merlin's uncertainty, which in turn fed his fear.
Just like with Danny Phantom, Merlin isn't responsible for Arthur's views and opinions. Arthur is a free-thinking adult who can make his own decisions. And sure, blah blah blah, Arthur only ever encountered evil sorcerers and dark magic, so he never had the chance to challenge his views - but Danny's parents were also consistently exposed to evil ghosts wreaking havoc, yet they found it in themselves to change anyway.
(And to add to the parallels, "Sins of the Father" from BBCM and "Reality Trip" from DP both feature instances where Arthur and Danny's parents respectively grow from their harmful misconceptions and accept that which they used to hate. But then Merlin and Danny take actions to restore the status quo, resetting any growth they may have had - textually because they thought it was for the best, but subtextually I would argue it was because they were still scared of change and exposure and rejection, and the status quo made them feel safe. Was this the right thing to do? Probably not. But their actions are entirely understandable given the circumstances. Idk, i just thought that was an interesting parallel worth mentioning.)
TLDR - Merlin lying to Arthur wasnt a bad thing, BBC Merlin and Danny Phantom are uncannily similar, and both Merlin and Danny deserve lots of hugs
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thisdreamplace · 3 years
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ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?
Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day
thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!
this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol
firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.
“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.
i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!
the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.
you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.
to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.
No One To Change But Self
There is Nothing to Forgive
How to Sit with Your Triggers
give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖
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paint-music-with-me · 3 years
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Man, that ep tho 👀
Now I get why they made an emphasis in ep 5-6 (can't rmr which one) that Phu is blunt and straightforward. Cuz he gon pull this shit in ep8 😔 I'm super mad about his reaction... but at the same time tbh I get it? A slight big problem for me about it is that...how do I put this...the Action part of the story (Sakda's men and the Ghost Hill house) was shoved in too fast on top of his reaction? I mean, it's been growing ik but I guess what I'm trying to say is the scenes/transitions that lead to Phu doing his job (the guns, searching, planning with the other guards) felt very abrupt and out of sync. Emotionally, it felt like something he needed to do to avoid his feelings about Tian's reveal (cuz thats what we're assuming) rather than be another task that he must do and balance his emotions with his job. Does that make sense? I'm not saying he can't do both but visually...it felt off. Visually it felt like an avoidance rather than another thing on his plate that he has to focus on...
I guess where I'm going for is: maybe one transition scene could be that a guard (not Rang/Yod) comes in and tells Phu about new info about Sakda's men. Phu is still pissed abt Tian so he gets all "😤 lets get 'em boys". Maybe Rang/Yod tries to stop him (part of why I wish there was a scene where Yod hears Tian explain death to the kid at the school and maybe vouch for him) bc "yo bro don't u think you're getting too ahead of yourself?" And Phu is all "this is my job, protecting a village, not babysitting a teacher". At least here, there is the distinction or an indication of how he is understanding his feelings and his job. At least for me, anyway 👀
Also! this is purely my defensiveness coming out bc as an audience who is exposed to so much dramatic irony it hurts, ima call out Phu on him being that mad at Tian for LYING. That's the thing that gets me. He out here saying "oh Tian u lied I am disappointed in u" like bruh? Didn't u ask ur officers to lie to the villagers about Torfun's death?? And mind you, a lot LONGER than Tian, more than 7 months? Tian only came to the village 2 months after his surgery bc of PT. So explain that! -> though ofc he is probably projecting onto Tian bc of his own guilt that he didn't tell the villagers himself and so to have Tian do it with this heavy of importance attached to his involvement with Torfun, Phu's emotions rlly got the best of him....but still
Also that fucking pattern of "the 5 times Tian collapsed, and the one time Phu collapsed" like bruh I didn't need that thank yew bye 🤚🙃
Then as much as I'm happy Tian didn't kill Torfun by being the driver, I get where he's coming from with his guilt cuz he still asked his friend to drive the car. Though, what's up with Prem (the friend)? Is he good? Like he was the driver....is he in therapy?? Did he go on an adventure to a rural village where he learns how to cope with his guilt and learn self-forgiveness?
Also can we just appreciate the Best Boy, Longtae??? Like he rlly is Best Boy. Like his POV must be so wild, cuz he was only given one side of the story (not knowing Tian was involved in Torfun's death) and then when the village only got one side, he got both and now he's in a weird position to understand his feelings about all of it. Like imagine your good friend, who you did your best to empathize and understand then tells you something else, a little addition to the story he gave you that was already personal and scary for him to tell. And now you understand WHY it was hard to tell. Like goddamn. And still Longtae went to Tian to talk and understand further Like bro that's beautiful. That's some communication right there dude.
Omg, (Sorry I have so many thoughts hehe) can we also talk about the kid that SNEAKED out of her house to talk to Tian??? Like bruhh she did that!! Though I wish I got to Tian explain death to her, I think that would've been really interesting because of his own personal thoughts. He was so ready to die and then he gets to live because someone had to. I think from there, especially if Yod was there listening, maybe at least two people would start to get a look into how Tian really thinks about himself and the way he sees life. Damn, wish they did that (part of the argument for making Phu's transitions in his job and his feelings a lot better cuz Yod could maybe vouch for Tian idk 👀)
Omg how could I forget about the villagers?? So for me, I don't mind the villagers' reactions too much?? I guess it depends on how Tian specifically said what he said to them (I'm merely thinking of the language barrier cuz the way I interpret the translation could be different from how it actually is). Cuz yeah, I'm sure they have their questions: how did he "kill" her? What happened? Etc.
But the way I see is this: they are catching up on their grief. They are searching for a place in their heart to understand everything that was revealed. Like this dude came in from no where instead of the regular sweet girl that you've come to love and admire and he messes things up and does his best to fix things. He's a sweet knucklehead and you begin to love him too. Then he reveals that the reason why he is alive and in your village is because he was involved in the death ("killed" from the translations) of the sweet girl you've known for idk how many years, def longer than knowing him. And then add on to the fact that he's been staying there for MONTHS. It's a lot to process.
Tbh the best way to sum up their feelings was how that one woman put her hand in front of Tian's face and looked away from him as she passed Tian after putting down flowers. It was perfect because they need time. Emotions are so weird and not so easily one thing or another, especially grief. I'm making this point cuz I've noticed that some ppl have brought up concerns abt the villagers' reactions which is ofc valid. It IS weird how they're reacting, not asking questions, immediately ignoring him. But I would argue thats also a village mindset. I've been there, village people stick together and sometimes the vibe of a village can set the precedent of how they'll feel about a newcomer. So something this big and shocking? Yeah, they ain't gon wanna talk to Tian for a hot second.
Anyway, the ep was interesting 👀 in terms of pacing because the Action came at an odd angle once Tian's secret was revealed. (Omg I also didn't expect Phu to find out at the same time Tian was telling the villagers about his involvement with Torfun) But with the ending they gave, I AM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT HOW ALL THIS GON ADD UP??? LIKE WHAT ABOUT SAKDA'S MEN??? WHAT ABOUT THE SMUGGLING?? WHAT ABOUT PHU??? WHAT IS TIAN'S DAD GON DO??? WILL PHU WAKE UP??? WILL TIAN LEARN TO FORGIVE HIMSELF?!??! WILL HE BE ABLE TO COUNT 1000 STARS!!?
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biaswreckingfics · 3 years
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I GOT SO MUCH TO SAYYY!! gosh pls dont find me weird okay, and these are just my personal opinions and im not hating any groups!! but my unpopular opinion is: i think kpop has become very toxic after bts and bp got famous in America. And tbh if you ask me, i wouldnt want any other kpop groups to be famous in America... i only stan exo but i think i speak for all groups when i say they are safe as they are now... of course if exo ever get even more famous i will be happy and proud for their success. But look how fame and America has changed bts and bp... not tryna hate but look theyve changed, idk if anyone else noticed but after fame hits bts, i realised how theyve start to become very...white?? like they are so westernised and like example, they start focusing on America only, they even curse (not a lot but i’d still point out) casually like for example, jungkook singing a curse word in his cover song for jason derulo savage love i think (speaking of cursing, after nct127 got famous in usa mark started getting influenced by them too and he casually cursed like “oh fuck” and everyones like 😃😆) even i curse and im not saying cursing is BADD but yeah i am, and how they sing a whole song in english, not to even mention how toxic america is but in grammys they have sold tons of albums yet they didnt win anything but when they release an english song, they won.
Some half of them americans are very toxic, racist, and just theyre basically acid, like bruh, its evident that once bts got famous there are soooo much hate thrown towards bts too cuz theyre asians, or how some would say theyre gay or look like girls...if my favs (exo) ever get these kinds of treatments (not that they dint but veryy little cuz thank god they ain exposed to the western culture) i will B R E A K, i could never handle that so i would never want that to happen to them. Also noticed how, after bts got famous, most armys are equally as toxic, whether they are just stanning bts just cuz theyre famous there, or like how their fans dont even know anything abt bts and coming after so many groups and their fans. Most of them are fake and i think its cuz of the fame for bts lmao. One thing i’d like to say too tho, is how they are so overrated and their songs are played all the damn time, people would randomly talk abt them, like everywhere you go THEY ARE JUST THERE, like in my opinion if i am an army, i would just feel like they are so common and theres nothing special about them anymore and theres no excitement, like what even is the point anymore. idk if anyone gets me but thats just how i feel about my favs being “wOrLdWiDe fAmOuS”, i will love them and their music but its just something i think about tbh🤷🏻‍♀️ like let me listen to them on my own and vibe and love them, dont play it 24/7 just cuz they are famous and ure tryna get people’s attention, like imagine ure in the subway and u hear ur favs song cuz its EVERYWHERE and ure there like 😐😐 not that u dont love their music but its cuz horrible people dont deserves to listen to their songs, and like people arent going to appreciate them anyway so yeah i feel uncomfortable listening to my favs as others dont even bother, like imagine if that subway is filled with people who are in ur fandom, yall would just hv the best time in the world and VIBE, if not what even is the point. Idk if im explaining it properly, but its badically like, u feeling UNCOMFORTABLE or should i even say SELFISH cuz u do not want to be sharing ur favs with people who dont even deserve to KNOW about them. Basically like seeing how someone you HATE or bullied you back then talking and being all friendly fake with ur BESTEST FRIEND or even boyfriend/girlfriend, cuz u just want to protect them from EVIL (im so dramatic)
And well lastly, no Bts did not paved the way, or “bts is the best and only group” like no, so many amazing artists were breaking records way before bts was even a thing (no hate to bts) but they really need to get slap for having that mindset, they really make a bad image for bts...tbh kpop before was so peaceful (a little toxic but still, compared to now...BYE) and everything was just about idols and fans love, listening and supporting and loving their music and just so comforting... urgh anyway thats all i wanna say and here are some texts i saved relating to kpop groups going famous worldwide uwu
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these are also examples, and honestly speaking here, i dont want to be specific as in “exo” cuz i think this happens for ALL the groups out there and the love and relationship between the idols and their fans (family) are just beautiful, but for bts and armys... tbh i feel bad because i just dont see or feel any love they hv for each other (sure we see bts saying i love you armys or armys supporting bts but with all the toxicity in their way, theres just no spark or chemistry or bond no more it’s basically like one direction and their fans and thats all they are, celebrity-fan, but for kpop its family), i can see other groups and their fans interacting or how idols would light up talking abt their fans, but for bts, theres just soooo much mess going on in their fandom its not special anymore, they lost the deep meaning of their group love and IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT but YEAH DJSHSKSJ OH and to add somethign else, they got famous in America, look at all the collabs🤡🤡 blackpink with cardi b, bts with nicki etc... not that collabs arent fun... im just saying these american artists... they dont exactly have a good reputation (americans singing about sex (not the good kind), money, girls and drugs) 🥴🥴 dont influenced my faves and let them be exposed to the toxic culture YALL GET ME?? KPOP HAS THE LETTER K FOR A REASON😭😭😭 let them be their own shining star, not everything has to be involved or a part of aMeRiCa to be amazing.... PHEW IVE SAID IT NOW BEFORE ANYONE GETS MAD AT ME, I DONT MEAN TO SOUND RUDE TO YOU, if youre an american and youre no where near being toxic, I LOVE YOU but im just saying, the western culture is toxic and im just saying what ive been observing and noticing🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️ ps: i still love exo till the max and everything about them is perfect and theyre just amazing people (everything i said that bts and armys dont really have anymore, i think thankfully, EXO (sorry im biased) most fandoms still have so much of the L O V E there and i find that extraordinary) and he fandom is so comforting and amazing and idk dkdjjdjss thats why i dont want them getting famous worldwide...sorry exols ANYWAY THATS ALL FOR MY RANT ITS 4AM AND I AM THINKING OF DELETING THIS💀💀💀 anywya sorry for taking up so much space but i just wanna say I FREKAING LOVE NO EXIT, NO LIMITS, basically all ur exo fics cuz why not🥺🥺 i think ur writing skills are amazing as well as the plots and all especially forsaken, and THANK YOU for two bbhxoc fics😭😭😭 i cant!!! also if u reached here idk i-🥲 i hope u didnt get mad or offended 👀
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Reply under the cut!!
Kpop has become extremely toxic with the growth of international fans and the rise of 3rd/4th gen. I wasn't around to experience the previous generations, but I know damn well they weren't a mess like these newer ones are.
Gaining fame in America does seem to change idols, and idk why. The group members change and the music changes also. While I do enjoy hearing idols swear (guilty pleasure) and I am an American so I get to enjoy their English songs, I can see how it makes all the other cultures/countries feel some type of way.
I will say this, though, the Grammys are shit and I dont get why people care so much about them. They've proven time and time again the awards don't go to the best artists. However, this doesn't mean that I think BTS deserved a Grammy imo.
Americans are a very toxic and hate filled bunch (again, I am one, so I get to see this shit every day). I 100% know that some of the hate directed towards Asians is because of racism (as seen by the insane uptick in crime against Asian Americans right now) and because some see kpop male idols as too feminine.
BTS is literally everywhere, which is one of the reasons I stopped listening to them tbh. They'd be in commercials, on talk shows, late night shows, in magazines, on the radio, just everywhere. It took the joy out of watching anything from them just because they were always in my face, so I can see what you mean.
I feel like the relationship between BTS and army has changed (from an outsiders perspective). Its no longer about loving and supporting your group and being happy for them. Now, its "so-so wants this? We MUST do everything in our power and spam every possible thing ever so they get what they want". Its almost frightening. They also no longer care about the quality of the music being put out. Doesn't matter what it is, they stream the ever loving shit out of it and make it break records when, honestly, it doesn't deserve to (again imo).
Lastly, I didnt get mad or offended haha. I understand a lot of these viewpoints, and thank you so much for liking my work!! I do wonder what would happen if I made a true BBH centric fic and not just spin offs or continuations of previous works where oc ends up with BBH 🤔🤔 I think that fic would have too much power haha.
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creemedicooke-blog · 5 years
Text
me/beliefs
I’m a 14 year old centrist/right wing, and these are what I’m for and against. (No offense to anyone else/my values do not hurt anyone)
ANTI MAP/NOMAP/PROMAP If you have the desire to touch kids, your time would be better spent touching the cold inside of a jail cell. All pedophelic relationships are abusive even if the person claims to be a “nomap.”
Anti tucute and transtrenders Mental illness is never something to ignore so you can have an “aesthetic.” You invalidate trans people who have struggled, and you are inherently sexist by further instilling that male and female is just a “culture” rather than the safety you feel in your body.
I am transmed Meaning I believe gender dysphoria is something in the brain, which can lead to a longterm feeling of discomfort in your body. I completely support those who want to help themselves and will back any trans person looking for surgery. The choice is theirs to make. Even though transmed technically implies surgery is needed, I will respect the persons pronouns even before they get surgery as long as they are considering it. Because I know three issues off the top of my head: it could be unsafe at their age, it could be unsafe due to familial reasons (transphobic parents), or they could want to consider it for years to make sure they don’t back track. There are also more reasons so of course no matter how long it takes, I will chose to use the pronouns they want.
I only believe in two genders. However, I accept those who do not wish to disclose their gender. I mean, it’s your private parts. Of course I won’t force you to talk about them and I hope you live the happiest life. I also totally understand those who wish to go by they/them, just ask me so I know to not misgender you.
I’m not a trump supporter
If I don’t know too much about a subject, I won’t talk about it but I am curious to learn someday. (This is why I won’t say I am or am not a Hillary fan. I actually never got to learn much about her therefore idk)
I do not like illegal immigration but DEPORTATION IS FUCKING ATROCIOUS. Here is the simplist way to explain why I don’t like illegal immigration: Imagine you work hard, and someone else slacks off and recieves a promotion. That's infuriating. But I now stretch this to a larger point, you work hard to make money to leave your country and go through the entire legal system tediously. Then another guy sneaks into the same new country doing zero of that work. Do I think the illegal immigrant should be punished though? Heavens no. Absolutely not. They could have been escaping poverty or war, drought or famine, a harsh family life, anything. And they could be an amazing person. I just think the legal way to immigrate should be made more open and friendly for people in rougher countries. I have nothing against the illegal immigrants themselves.
Anti terf An mtf who has gender dysphoria, a serious condition, is curing herself. Not robbing your three year old daughter’s tea set. Chill tf out, Sharon. And an ftm who has gender dysphoria, a serious condition, is curing himself, not writing “women have cooties” on your feminist pride parade sign and then ninja'ing into a male, Terri
“Radical” is the scariest word to hear before anything involving politics. I’m sick of “radical ___.” I believe compromising is much safer and a healthier viewpoint to live by than extremism of either side. This mindset shoukd stem from childhood with things like "sharing is caring."
Guns and clothing depicting real guns should not be allowed in schools, period. The gun part is a “no shit” moment, but if I could change the school dress code, I would add this rule and get rid of the truly bs “no crocs” rule.
I’m pro choice
I want to better the foster care/adoption system
Anti-anti vaxxers That kid’s life has been given to you and it asks for protection, not to model your ill-thought-out agenda.
Anti incels
Companies should be regulated to reduce pollution, and they should contribute to a greener earth.
If a company distributes paper or glass to an area, that same company must be willing to pay the price to make it recyclable at their plant. Otherwise, it cannot be in that area. This practice will be repeated until eco friendly companies begin popping up all around us.
In a perfect world, an opinion’s value is based on how well informed the person is of that opinion. Not on race, class, religion, gender, or orientation.
Bi/pan are the same, and if you prefer the term “pan” because of the spelling or flag, then alright. But like again, meaning wise, they are the same and the only difference is superficial.
I’m all for body positivity that supports people who have lost limbs, burn scars, or are recovering from an unhealthy lifestyle like anorexia, bulimia, or obesity. Body positive does not equal “oh you look beautiful killing yourself” so I personally would never congratulate someone for cutting themself, or severely under or over eating. I will offer help until they tell me they want to end it like this, in which case I wont force you to do something you don’t want me to.
Abusers should serve for half or more of their life! All if it lead to fucking suicide. Domestic, child, animal, relationship. Abuse is disgusting from mental to physical. Go ahead and block me if you believe abuse is not an issue.
Rape is one of the worst crimes in humanity. It can happen to anyone.
The three crimes I hate the most are MURDER, RAPE, and FALSE RAPE ACCUSATION. the first two are obvious, but the third one is up there for a good reason. False accusation means "fake." You are lying to fuck up somebody's life on purpose. A rape claim can damage somebody throughout their entire life and that's not even the end of the problem with it. You invalidate true rape claims. You think rape is such a sweet little subject that's so "fun" to toy with. And you know what? Fuck you with all of these murderers and rapists and abusers.
Though I am not anti-gun, more control is needed. For example, training, liscenses, harsher punishments to those who obtain a gun by illegal means, and a gun should not be carried outside of your household unless you have a specific reason for that too. Like a farmer, police dude, or hunter
Do not slut shame prostitutes.
Making prostitution illegal only makes it harder for these people to seek help and get other jobs. It does not end prostitution.
Marijuana is not a criminal offence, quit locking people up for it.
Tax is not that hard to write on the damn price tag. Please mark it as $5.12 if it really isn’t $4.99
Gender dysphoria is a valid health issue so trans people should still (and always) be supported in the military.
There should be more sidewalks. And bridges that go over roads with ramps for people in wheelchairs or strollers, this is to reduce car emissions from the car needing to stop, and even better, it reduces the chance of a young child being hit at a crosswalk. Getting around by foot will be so much easier.
These are the most important things to teach in school
-how to prevent stds
-mental health
-why vaccines are safe
-how to get a job
-how to take care of your home and life after you're 18
-the core subjects
-civil rights movement in full detail so the newer generations are impacted by the struggle and where we are now in america
-secondary language
-world cultures
(This is just what i can think of off the top of my head)
You dont have to block me if you disagree. Infact, im open to anyone who wants to be friends. I dont care if we're different politically because thats not the first thing i see abour people. If you want to debate with me then lets do it. Also if you have questions, hmu. :)
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in-paradox-space · 5 years
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That dream keeps coming back to me.
Everything I do, I think of it.
I was in an evening class that I’m taking this year. I was late at usual, I always miss education. I don’t show up half the time. So I had to write down and retain every single thing that was being said. 
I have to catch up from what is implied in the context. I also have to work to compensate for what I’ll miss in my next absent lesson.
Quickly jotting down and scribbling. In pencil. It’s messy. Watching the teachers movements, she didn’t want us to write at that point but I had to retain it. 
This girl next to me, she was crying. I must’ve known for a while but it’s all hazy. 
Fat girl, same age, wearing a white shirt. Kind of like a school shirt. 
I didn’t even process the fact that she was fat in the dream. Maybe the subconscious of my subconscious picked it up but I wasn’t acknowledging it for a second.
I knew I had just 5 minutes to quickly write everything I had to and more until the lesson began properly. Comprehending it and shortening to keywords, underlining the pieces that I’d need to learn later.
 I knew she was crying. She was at my right side, next to me. She was on the end of the long extension of 2 person table/desks. Typical white classroom, those curved, hard plastic chairs. It’s like a white, hard, wooden/plastic table with that little pebble-dashed pale grey pattern on it. The window was to the right, behind her. It lead onto a kind of road, in my dream the room for the classroom was in an industrial area but that’s just how it goes.
That’s just how it goes.
So, I knew I needed to do my work. I also knew it was my duty to try to make sure she’s alright.
I ignored her for about a minute, tried to prioritize what I wrote. I was thinking, I’ll speak to her afterwards.
The classroom kept going on, I felt guilty, sort of conscious that other people may notice that I’m just ignoring this girl who is in tears, in tatters.
I glanced at her to assess the situation.
White shirt collar, open kind of wide in a comfortable, unrestricted manner. She had some bits of pink fleece and grey kind of high school jumper material, mixed together in dream fog. I don’t know if I saw her with a white shirt on because it’s an association from high school or if that’s just what her style is like.
She had lightish brown hair, the kind that looks like a matte, disheveled grey. It’s not technically grey, it’s brown. Not like old grey. I would tell everyone that their hair is grey - when I was younger - because to me it only looks like grey. If you put them next to someone with brown hair they look different. They didn’t like it when I said their hair looks grey. They said it’s brown; that baffled me. I didn’t understand why nobody acknowledged it
but yeah, in that sunlight it looked grey; a little greasy and sort of held back in a bobble.
She was absolutely balling her eyes out. Folder and papers on a desk, her face is slipping in and out of her hand, bottom lip opening and closing in the air to make way for the sound of her incessant crying.
I knew I couldn’t ignore it, but I went back to writing it down. My undereyes kept tensing, it was maybe painful. Knowing that I’m actively ignoring her while I hear her cries meshing in to the humdrum of the classroom.
I dropped my pen onto the desk; I couldn’t ignore it. I asked her what’s up?  She kept on crying. Normally I wouldn’t do this but it was a dream, I put my arm around her, let her know she’s not alone through human contact. I asked “what’s wrong? Are you okay?” (something like that) my arm resting into the light squishiness of her back, hand growing warmer on her shoulder. She couldn’t really get the words out, ‘its just’, still sobbing and hiding her face. I was telling her its ok, trying to comfort her. My chair was touching hers, I was embracing her from my side. 
So she told me something like: ‘your writing. It’s so perfect. The grammar. There’s not a single problem with your grammar, how is it so flawless. You know just what to write, you’re so smart’. My handwriting was a total mess. It was like a bomb hit the page. Like I was writing it on a bus. Just some keywords, messy underlinings and a couple of quick half-sentences. There was hardly any grammar there. I think she was referring to the Korean writing though (it’s a Korean class I go to at uni once a week). I’m a fresh beginner. I had a tiny bit of practice from home, like 2 months of here and there home studying before the course. It’s a little more familiar to me than most of the others and I’ve picked up on that. 
I don’t exactly know what she was implying, but I was embracing her to the point where it was basically 1/3 of a hug. I do think, however, she was implying she’s absolutely terrible at it and that was the reason she was crying. She must have had very low self esteem and felt more insecure and hopeless that she wasn’t picking it up that easily. Now that I think of it, she reminds a little of, my older sister, just a bit, a girl called Catherine I used to go to college with, who liked Minecraft lets plays, FNAF and was quite autistic. She struggled with studies and had super low self esteem. She could work untold wonders with a passion and uniquely shaped mind like hers though.
well, I was taken aback by that. I wasn’t sure what to say, ‘uh no it isn’t.’ ‘yours is a lot better’, I know nothing about her so I cant say that. I didnt know how to ask if thats the problem, I was thinking what to say. I couldnt use icebreaker questions and small talk because it was an awful time for it. She was devastated, I was slightly wondering if she went through something awful recently. It seems like her perception was telling her she had no use in the world.
I was looking at my book, at my desk, attention divided towards her, wondering what my next move would be. I was trying to comfort her, but failing. She was going into panic mode, gasping on her tears, she pulled out some herbal supplements from her bag. I recognized the bottle as Nature’s Best,  I thought they was 5-htp which I bought. People use them for depression and anxiety because they turn into serotonin. It was something else, the tablet was a see-through grey like cod liver oil pods but not orange. She drank it or put it into some cereal looking travel mug container idek its a blur whatever. It was a response to her attack, it seemed, anyway.
I thought great, that’s something we can bond on in order to get talking. I was like hey, I use supplements from them too. Natures Best, right? She got her red bag and said I’m sorry, wiping away her tears, she swiftly walked out of the door behind us, down the classroom. Then left, with her pinkish smoky coloured fleecy top. Walking and jogging slowly into the empty road, grey skies, damp from previous rainfall, in the industrial zone. The ones where there’s still houses and buildings to rent but the view is just of grey spiky fences and overgrown abandoned lots.
I was going to chase her, I looked at the teacher, asked if I could go. She looked frustrated said no. dont go. I decided teacher knows best and it’d be foolish not to listen to her.
looking back, I think the girl was a metaphor for my sister, or all the girls I’ve hurt. Hurt with my ignorance, with, idk just how I am. Maybe because I try so hard to look good and impress people, so I dont feel embarrassed or ashamed of myself or whatever, it works. Maybe they believe I’m actually as amazing as i try to seem and that makes them inferior. Maybe I don’t notice because im just trying to make sure I dont come off as sleazy, maybe i dont notice how they actually feel bc im just thinking of myself. I’ve also been fairly abusive to my sister as well. She was on the chubby side, kind of looked like that in school, cried a lot. I mean, I had my reasons for being that way, she was hard to live with but, if we actually need to blame anyone which we dont, my mother should have resolved the issues we all had with each other. Now, they’ve lived on into adulthood and we have to assume how to fix them ourselves.
or, when I’m asleep at that time, my baby nephew, one and a half, is always crying and crying AND SCREAMING AND SOBBING AND EXCLAIMING A CRYING SCREAM OF DREAD, ANGUISH, PAIN AND SUFFERING. It’s Hellish. I was at a friends house, sleeping in a comfy, cozy, quiet bed away from any noise. There was no babies crying but, every single morning without dread, I hear him screaming and howling like a jackal. So when I’m in that deep sleep state of mind, the pathways of my brain must now be wired to accommodate for the tormented squealing of his tire-screeching wails.
So, idk, there was crying, in my subcionscious and it was associated with my sister. Associated with idk, chubby girls with brown hair, who i probably see as struggling with mental tasks such as academia. Whether they lack the knowledge and capabalities or not, they certainly lack the mindset, the self belief and perseverance to keep trying... which in turn yields the same result as being incapable, if not to them then to their perception of self and world. . So, she was crying, and I think it’s a metaphor for both what my negative impact is on my baby nephew and thus, his mother, my sister. She walked out the door, she left our moment together because she idk, she didn’t want to experience any of that. She was hyperventilating crying and just wanted out of the situation; maybe to cry and be sad. Or to do something she realized she had to do, for herself or whatever. 
I basically saw that as her quitting the course and giving up for good instead of trying. Then, I knew I had to chase her. I was fully ready to go run out that door, go through a very emotional chat and get to the bottom of everything. Inspirational speech, help her with whatever troubles. Assure her that she’s great, reflect her good side to her. Calm down her breathing rate, crack a quick joke to remind her what laughter feels like and walk her back into class. 
Yet, the teacher was cross, sternly shook her head and briefly instructed me not to before continuing her lecturing. She knew I’d missed enough already and wasn’t going to just tell me to miss more because one student has disrupted the workflow. Rightly so, I understood and respected her judgement, yet my heart still felt for her. I kept peering out of my window, into the light glowed up in the poofiness of the lighter clouds, covering all trace of blue on the horizon.
So in conclusion, the crying girl was a metaphor for my family, all of those I need to look out for, compromise with and help move forward. The teacher instructing me to use mind over mood, discipline myself and focus on work is my ambition. My desire for a better life, the knowing that I need to sacrifice my desires, my relationships and even often my conscience for the greater good of my future. Of my ambitions, of my businesses, of my legacy, of what I’ll leave behind, for my self. Otherwise... I’ll be stuck crying with them, gawking at the more admirable traits that others have as opposed to myself. 
If I was to chase her, I’d be walking away in the same direction with her. All you can really do is hope she straightens up herself, otherwise, the other option would be doing nothing.
So, that’s what I think that is. I had that dream when I drifted back to sleep after 1pm, monday, 21st Oct 2019. It’s all I could think about all day that day. A fat girl crying. I was jaded all day. Contemplative, even when I got home, I lay in bed, i felt ill after being around pets the whole weekend, eating literally uncountable masses of junk food. I kept sighing mentally, thinking back to the girl who kept sobbing to my right, I didn’t notice she was chubby until after when I reflected. I felt responsible. Then the day after (today) I was thinking of it. 
Then, this evening, just today. I was in the classroom, late as usual. I creeped in, teacher talking about many points. Straight away my pad and pen was out, scribbling. I noticed after a while, a kinda chubby girl, brown hair (actually vibrant in colour though), colorful fleece, was to my right. She was on the corner part of the table, no more chairs to the right. She seemed completely emotionally intact, however.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every note I made I felt bad. I felt guilty. I felt scared, that maybe I’d upset her. I didn’t want to dominate her subliminally. I did know a little extra stuff like conjugations that hadn’t been taught yet and I was writing those down, wondering if she’s noticed. I couldn’t handle it, I looked at her pad, I had to compliment her. It must have been a sign, a vision, that came in a dream. I even considered asking her what she was doing at that time, when the dream occurred, I considered telling her about the dream. All sorts of forward things to strike a conversation with.
In the end, at breaktime, I asked her name. Straight away told her “your writing is so neat. Oh my God. How is your handwriting so neat? That’s unbelievable, wow!”. It was actually incredibly neat by the way I’ll proclaim that right now. Especially the hangul characters, they’re unfamiliar for us pretty much. They was small, spaciously together, in correct proportions, no lines bending the wrong way. When I write them wow, one is too big, a middle vowel will take up the bottom then i sort of squash the last really big consonant underneath, overlapping to the below line. It’s all disproportionate, just a mess... and thats just the English writing. 
So yeah, I didn’t tell her any of that dream stuff or whatever. We got talking. She’s doing third year maths at the uni. Took the course to bump her credits up which improves her overall grade. So she’s been taking it very seriously, she said she went over every single word in the textbook last night. She wants to pass. She’s clearly strong willed, intellectual, all the admirable treats. Very admirable indeed. Her favorite number is 7, mainly because she’s born on a 7th day. She enjoys graph theory in maths, dropped mechanics but did pure and statistics, then told me a bunch of stuff about maths i didnt understand but im the one who inquired so it’s kind of what I get. she also knows her runescape fairly well, but we both grew ambitions in the real world which took over, it seems.
we certainly broke the ice a little bit. I probably wouldn’t have even chatted to her without that dream. I’ll get to know her more again next time. 
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thisdreamplace · 3 years
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Hello how do i speed up results? I can have anything immediately theoreticly so how so i actually do that? i mean i heard about that girl who told her subconscious to grow taller and she grew like 4-6 inches or sth incredible like that OVERNIGHT! Thats crazy and shows how anything is possible but idk for me. How much faith and belief in myself would that need? im scared i'll not reach that stage of manifestig. I do get results ngl but im so tired of not having enough faith or whatever. I hope u get what I mean? In my mind i do know all this, align with god self have pure knowledge its gonna happen but... Not to be a downer, I just want to get real with u. Its not always so easy and effortless like we want. We dont always get what we want as or when we want. It sucks 😭 I know internally everything's perfect, I can and do have m desires i mean my inner-self does etc. But its not always so simple? For me at least I struggle and I want quick overnight results too. maybe im jealous of anyone who can effortlessly do it even if they get bad days. like everyone has them ik but thats not what I'm saying here. Im saying how do i make it to that level? Soon i won't have much time to devote to manifest the life I want, I can manifest small stuff easily and quickly but thats not enough is it? Do I make sense?
Hi!
To be entirely honest with you, when it comes to speedy results I'm not your gal. lmao I have gotten overnight successes, I have even gotten successes in hours and minutes. The issue is though, the times which have been intentional, is entirely hit or miss. Sometimes my manifestation comes to pass when I wanted it to, sometimes it doesn't. And overall, when it comes to the timing of my manifestations, I tend to take a rather hands off approach. Messing with time bothers me more than empowers me. So I usually don't deal with it.
How much faith and belief would you need? I like to think about this quote from the bible a lot, that says how all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. If you can move mountains with faith that small, surely you can manifest overnight will a small amount of faith too. I think the biggest key of all is realizing that you're the God of your reality. From that point forward, things start manifesting much quicker. I mean, I know this to be true. I've been getting day of successes lately, simply from knowing how imagining creates reality and I have that power within me. Focusing on how you're God of your reality is really important in all of this.
You're sooooo right it's not always effortless and easy like we want. You did not lie. lmfao I talk about this on my blog all the time, I try to be transparent about it. But I mean the amount of days and nights I've just crieeeeeeeeeed over everything. The amount of nights it felt like my world was ending because I felt I just couldn't apply the law right/just couldn't get what I want. There sure as hell are going to be difficult days. But it's up to us to choose love for ourselves, to choose faith, and to keep persisting. Eventually, it will be effortless and easy for all of us.
You make it to that level by prioritizing how you're the God of your reality. Build confidence in that, faith in knowing consciousness is the only reality. This isn't playing pretend, this is real. Your imagination is the creator, your 3D must follow along to your imaginal acts. Point, blank, period, it's the law. But you need to practice getting yourself out of that victim mindset. You too can be an overnight success, intend for it. Don't take no for answer. Expect wonderful things to happen to you, know how your life can change for the better at any second.
And it's not a bad thing you "won't have time to dedicate to manifesting." This isn't a technique. You don't need to make time to manifest. This is a constant thing, this is a lifestyle change. Approach it more in that way and you'll get more sustainable results.
Hopefully this is helpful! You got this! 💖
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