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sarah-writes-marvel · 3 years

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After-Party Showdown: MCU Cast x Fem!Reader (platonic)

S.S.” Ive literally had this fic finsihed since like Febuary so its a little rough but let me know how you like it!

Warnings: Blood, predetor male (Sorry to anyone named Eric... im sure your very kind), rudness..., sexual talk (kinda)

Word Count:1,710

MASTERLIST

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We had finished watching the premiere of the newest Avenger movie and the set, cast and a few selected friends returned to the reserved reception room at the hotel that many were staying at.

RDJ, Tom Holland, Hiddelston and Gwenth were talking with a few friends of theirs and some of the set members. Chris Evans, Hemsworth, Elizabeth and Scarlett were also in their own separate group that was somewhat merged with Sebastian, Anthony, Don and Paul.

I was new blood to the crew, and although I was immediately accepted by the cast, I watched them mingle from the bar.

Eventually people began to disperse, mainly people that worked the cameras and the background actions. Basically leaving the actors and actresses and their few friends they brought with.

I continued to sit at the bar talking with various people that came to refill drinks, even had a lovely conversation with the bartender, who seemed slightly star stucken. Nearing the end of the night a charming gentleman came to my side and struck up a conversation with me as we sipped away at our drinks.

“Hello beautiful. I’ve got to say you’re way too pretty to be over here on your own.” he said with a pearly white smile.

“Oh well thank you.” I blushed at his compliment.

“So why aren’t you mingling with everyone? I've seen you sitting over here all night.” he replied, studying my face.

“I’m more of a people watcher. Introverted and all that jazz.” I reply taking a sip of my drink looking at the cast laughing and talking.

“Alright I can understand that. Do you want to be less introverted and hang out with me?” He replied with a sly tone in his voice.

“Well you sitting next to me talking aren’t you?” I stated. “In my book that’s considered hanging out.”

“Well I meant more along the lines of a nice walk and maybe heading back to my place.” His statement was blunt and outgoing.

“Oh well, I appreciate the invitation but I have to decline.” I replied as kindly as possible.

“Oh come on sweetheart. Why not?” His voice whined.

“First I don’t know your name. Second, I'm not a one night stand kinda girl, I'm assuming that’s what you had in mind.” I looked at him pointedly and annoyed.

“I’m sure I could change your mind. I’m Eric. It’s wonderful to meet you.” He held his hand out and finally introduced himself.

“I wish you would’ve led with your name.”

“Duly noted.” he retracted his hand before he kept talking. “So what’s your name?”

“Y/n.”

“Very hot.” his comment caused me to roll my eyes just slightly.

“If you are going to try and complement my clothes off you should stop now.”

“Why? Because it’s going to work.” He leaned in, the brandy apparent on his breath, his hand sneaking around my waist.

“No,it won’t work. I would also appreciate you not touching me.” I said scooting a few inches away.

“Oh come on. You know you want to have a good time.”

“I was having a good time.” Even I could recognize the annoyance in my voice. I continued to watch my friends talk amongst themselves, saying goodbye to others.

“I can make it so much better though. I mean the dress is just begging to come off. It would be a great addition to my floor.”

“Excuse me?” I set my drink down on the bar, standing up and crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“Oh please. You wore that so you could get compliments didn’t you?” His eyes looked at the dress that hung on my body. It was a decently modest midnight blue dress. It hugged my waist, the skirt ended just above the knee, it even had long sleeves. The only suggestive thing about it was the vneck and the open back.

“Yes. Compliments. That was not a compliment. That was a shitty way to try and pick up someone.” I replied.

“Oh please. You should be happy that I asked you.” His face turned to anger almost as if he was annoyed.

“I’m perfectly happy turning down your request. I hope that you have a good night.” I turned heading towards the group to leave behind the creep at the bar but a hand wrapped around my wrist and pulled me back.

“What the hell do you think you are doing.” My voice was stern yet quiet doing my best not to create a scene.

“I’m going to ask again until you say yes.” he’s hand tightened around my wrist.

“Let go of my wrist.” I demanded a little louder wishing that the bartender hadn’t left to retrieve more ice and alcohol.

“Not till you say yes.” He seethed. I tugged against the resistance on my wrist trying to pull away. “Quit being such a bitch and take the compliment that I actually want to sleep with you.” His voice was hot against my neck when he leaned in to whisper that into my ear. I snapped.

I twisted my arm causing his hand to turn with it allowing me to break free, gripping his wrist pulling him from his seat wrapping his hand behind his back and shoving his face into the bar. Suddenly all eyes are on the interaction.

“First of all, I don’t need to feel grateful for you telling me that I look beautiful, I’ve heard it many times, and that my clothes would look better on your floor.” I let go of my hold, Evans and RDJ approached the two of us. Eric stood up, raising his hand, almost in an attempt to hit me.

“I wouldn’t do that.” Evans said before Eric moved.

“Don't tell me what to do with my girlfriend.We we’re just having a nice conversation.” Eric smirked, his hand placed on my waist.

“Seriously. You seriously just did that?” RDJ laughed.

“What? Did you come to save her or something?”

“Oh no. We aren’t saving her. She can easily take you on her own. We’re just suggesting that you don’t do that because it’ll come with an asswhopping from a young woman in heels and many lawsuits.” RDJ started with a smug tone.

“There is no way in hell that she'll be able to take me. Plus I've got amazing lawyers.” Eric spat back with a smirk.

“Oh ya, no. You really don’t want to challenge her.” Hemsworth commented. Eric looked at him with anger in his eyes. I picked up my glass from the counter, taking a sip and holding onto it so I wouldn’t punch his face.

“Whatever.” he turned towards me. “Good luck ever getting laid with your attitude.You’re nothing without a man's approval you know. Even had to have these people come to your rescue.”

His voice was quiet and annoyed trying to dig under my skin. And it did a little bit, but it just fueled my anger toward him. I looked at him and the glass shattered in my hand as I tightened my grip. The glass fell to my feet the remaining liquid splashing onto my dress and onto his outfit.

“You can go.” I even scared myself with the tone of my voice as I spoke. The look of fear in the man's eyes gave me a sense of pleasure that I put him in his place. He pushed his way through the group that had surrounded us and rushed through the exit.

“Well then. What a dick.” I started watching the door close. My hand was still in a fist and I held my other hand underneath, feeling the blood from the cuts drip into a puddle in my palm.

Everyone looked at me shocked.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to involve anybody. Is everyone ok?” I looked at the astonished faces of my friends.

“Are you seriously asking if we're ok?” RDJ questioned.

“Well ya.” I shrugged my shoulders looking at everyone who all seemed very concerned.

“You just crushed a glass with your bare hand. You are bleeding. We should be asking you that!” He exclaimed.

“Oh ya. I’m fine. I really hate guys like that though.” I looked down at my dripping hand and turned around to face the bar. I reached behind grabbing one of the clean white towels, dipping it into the cup of water that I had at the spot I was sitting. I began cleaning the affected wounds when Evans took over.

“You know I knew that you could take Hemsworth and I but I never knew you could do this! You gotta be careful. Someone might think you've got some super soldier serum flowing in your blood.” He smiled as he wiped away the blood and examined the cut in the center of my palm for glass. “Alright this may hurt just a bit.” He began tightly wrapping the cloth around my hand, tucking the end into itself.

“You should go to a doctor to get that properly taken care of.” Scarlett added.

“That's a good idea.” I agreed, standing from the seat that I had been pushed down on. “Well I had a great night with y’all! I hope I didn't ruin it with that little fiasco.” I smiled grabbing my clutch from the bar and walking through the group.

“Well where the hell are you going?” RDJ questioned.

“The hospital to get stitches, you know like Scar suggested.” I was confused at his question.

“Well someone’s gotta go with ya.” Evans stated.

“Ya. We’ll go with you. The night is still young!” RDJ exclaimed standing up and meeting me.

“You don't all have to come, it'll just be a couple of stitches.” I laughed.

“Too late I called the limo already. We're taking a trip to the hospital!” RDJ celebrated. Soon the rest of the crew was chiming in on a “To the hospital” chant as we made our way out the door, earning confused and concerned looks from the staff of the hotel.

To say the hospital staff was surprised to see the cast of the marvel movies enter the emergency was an understatement, but I was glad to have the best people around me, even if it was for a few stitches.

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Like I said it was one of the first fics I had written a while ago... But I hope you liked it! thanks for reading!

#mcu #mcucast #chrisevans #rdj #scarlettjohanson #chrishemsworth #avengers #captianamerica #ironman #thor #marvel #marvelfanfic #readerinsert

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tomsrebeleyebrow · 4 years

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Miss You | tom holland x reader

Summary: Travelling was tiring. Being away from your other half for a long period is tougher. But Tom always thinks about you at any time of the day. And you clearly do the same. Based on the song ‘Miss You’ by The Rolling Stones.

Pairing: Tom Holland x neutral gender!Reader

Warnings: fluff because tommy misses you and you miss him too

Words count: 1340

A/N: Here we go again, a new and fresh imagine✨ Still fluff because I guess I’m soft?? 😚 And as I loooooove the Rolling Stones, this song perfectly fitted with my plot! Also enjoy my first neutral gender!reader because I love you all and everybody can love Tom 😌☺️❤️

masterlist

Who said long distance relationships is an easy matter to handle? At least, you and Tom still manage to find a way to deal with it when you both are away from each other.

Texts and FaceTime.

You are used to Tom being gone to shoot his next movie, attending premieres and doing interviews. Sometimes you can follow him and share some times together like you used to do before he became the well-known friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. But as Tom’s career keeps escalating, yours is also progressing and you are quite proud of yourself, but it also means more work.

Still you made it just in time to the Far From Home premiere, flew to the US a day prior, stayed a bit longer with Tom and then came back together in London. He will finally be able to enjoy a nice deserved break for a month, well kind of because he still have to film videos for Internet in between but at least, you are together.

But before leaving, Tom said he received strict rules from the Russo brothers and that you guys will have to reduce your interactions.

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry baby but the Russo’s really want to keep everything about the movie under control and have no spoiler leak and other stuff. And I know it will be hard because my character is messed up so they want me to stay as much focus as I can during the filming but it’s a matter of three months! I hope so? Anyway this will be so intense and I can’t imagine not talking to you or seeing your face like we used to and-“

“Tom, breath, it’s okay.”

You giggle because he gets worried so easily about anything. You support him with all your heart in anything he does, and even push him harder sometimes because you know he can do better. He always does. You are proud of him every single day and you will never stop to.

“Just do your job like you always do and we will make it works. Like always, okay?”

But you feel deep inside that this time will be harder than the other times.

And then he is gone like a light. And then you are back to your everyday life: sleep – work – eat and repeat. Alone.

Tom left at the beginning of October to go filming Cherry in Cleveland, Ohio. Six hours of time difference, 3 732 miles apart and an ocean separating you. Nothing too challenging for you. But now it has been two weeks already without phone calls or FaceTiming. You just receive a few quick texts here and there in which he tells you everything is going well, and sometimes also with a picture but that is rare. And it is at this moment you realize you miss Tom. Pretty bad.

I've been holdin' out so long I've been sleepin' all alone Lord, I miss you

And Tom is as desperate as you are. On top of being dead tired since a few days and a bit tensed, not hearing your voice for so long is a challenge he never imagined he would have to deal with one day. And that day apparently came. Texts aren’t enough anymore. He wants to share so many things with you – without saying too much because he promised the Russo’s and the Cherry crew he will (try) not –, tells you he is all right despite his looks during his last Instagram live.

I've been hanging on the phone I've been sleeping all alone I want to kiss you sometime

And all his needs escalate pretty quickly because now he clearly misses your presence. Your body. Your everything. Cleveland’s nights in winter are so cold and that reminds him of the London ones, you next to him, squeezed against each other, all cuddling and warm. But not now. Some nights Tom feels so lonely in his bed he has to keep his mind working by reading his lines for the next day over and over again, until he tiredly fall asleep half sitting with his back against the headboard. All he could dream about was you. And let’s just say he often wakes up… Excited, and he has to take care of it fast before he had to go filming all day… Needless adding it was the same for you.

Well, I've been haunted in my sleep You've been starring in my dreams Lord I miss you

Finally, someone up there heard your countless prayers. That evening you stayed late at work because so much was happening and had to be done, so everyone was ecstatic and stressed. As soon as you put one foot outside the office, you let out the biggest sigh of your life. The sky was already dark but the streets are still buzzing. You have no strength left in your body to cook so you decide to drive to the Chinese near your apartment, order your favorites and go back home. Home, sweet home. But now cold and silent ever since Tom left. And you sigh again at the thought.

I've been waiting in the hall Been waiting on your call

As you are enjoying your meal and trying not to fall asleep while catching up with your series, your phone suddenly rings. It makes you jump with surprise because who calls people at… Almost midnight? You stretch out your arm and grab your phone on the coffee table, between empty boxes and bags of takeovers, and almost drop it as soon as you see the name on it. You hurry to chew and swallow the noodles still in your mouth, without choking if possible, and frantically take the call.

“TOM!! Oh my God, hi!! How are you babe?!” you scream with a smile on your face.

You hear Tom giggled. Oh how you miss his laugh.

“Hi sweetheart! I know it’s late in London right now but I finished filming earlier today. Now I have free time until tomorrow morning so what’s why I’m finally calling you. Oh God I missed you so much baby.”

“I missed you too like hell, Tommy” you reply almost with teary eyes, but still smiling.

I've been holding out so long I've been sleeping all alone Lord I miss you

Both of you talked for nearly three hours. Obviously you had so much to catch on and were just so happy to hear each other voices again after so much time. Like Tom had to convince you to go to sleep at some point because you worked tomorrow and after knowing about your hard day, he wanted you to rest enough. But you didn’t want to leave him already so you just begged him to stay a little more on line. And of course he had to comply. How could he say no to you?

With your knees bend against your chest and wrap in a fluffy blanket on the couch, you chat for thirty minutes more before you can’t stop a yawn full of tiredness to escape your mouth. Your eyes are also a bit itchy by fighting sleep so hard. Tom knows it is time for you to go and this time, you don’t fight back. But you still ask him to stay on line until you fall asleep and of course he agrees. After finding the softness of your pillow against your cheek and the comfort and warmth under your duvet, you place your phone next to your face and (kind of) keep talking with Tom. At some point he thinks he is doing a monologue but he can still hear you humming at him as an answer to whatever he is saying. But then all he hears is your soft breathing.

“Goodnight love of my life, sweet dreams, take care of yourself, I promise I will call you soon again. I love you.”

He hangs up, a grin on his face.

I've been hanging on the phone I've been sleeping all alone I want to kiss you

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swannsjack · 5 years

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I still can't wrap my head around the fact that of all people in Hollywood, people decided to hate Johnny Depp. That man had gone his entire career with good reputation. Everyone that'd ever known him said the nicest things about him.

but then one day this person comes up with some seriously suspicious allegations with suspicious circumstances (arrested for dv herself, only asking for a divorce at first, sending a damn extortion letter, and making allegations just days after his mother's death, avoiding deposition three times! to name just few from the very long list) and all goes to hell. His entire previous life is forgotten. like it didn't exist. all that exists are unproven allegations.

“Johnny is one of the nicest people that I know—to the extent where it’s almost heartbreaking how kind he is"

Y'all really think he just woke up one day as he was nearing his 50s and became an abuser? everytime an abuser is revealed, it doesn't come as surprise. even if she were to be his first physical "victim" it would still not be a shocker. there are always signs. always something that makes you look back and see things in a new light, maybe not casual acquaintances, but definitely people that had spent with them more time. yet, Depp's exes spoke up in his defense. people who know him personally, even staff at events, they all have said that's just not him. but especially his exes are the most important. he would absolutely have a history of questionable behavior. but he doesn’t. oh sorry, I forgot he chased away paparazzi after politely asking them to leave his family alone and they didn’t. what a jerk, protecting his family from vultures, ugh. and don’t tell me “can’t know what happens behind closed doors” Vanessa Paradis lived with him for over a decade and she sent a handwritten note defending him. and no, she did not do it for the kids. where is the logic in that? if their father was abusive, don’t you think she would make sure her kids are safe from him, protect them from him, instead of defending him?!

yet they all said he's gentle, kind, caring. I saw two of his less famous ex girlfriends tweet about him last year, not about the allegations, just posting or commenting some pictures of them together. there have been people speaking up, saying he was the victim (people now question why he hadn't come out early with his allegations against her, but you fail to realize that he would have, he didn't sell his stuff to tabloids for all of you to see (I know, the audacity!) unlike her, but he was ready to do it properly through the court of law, but the case was dropped with prejudice (!), a NDA signed and he was never given the chance to clear his name, he even says in the new lawsuit that he was going to challenge the RO before they reached an agreement (+ his evidence list does have a photo of himself from december 2015 and while we do not what the photo is about, there’s a pretty compelling argument to be made that she injuried him that month - watch this video at about 14th minute) but there have been people saying it. saying she lied and there were no bruises, including TWO POLICE OFFICERS, at least one of them being a woman (so that's two female officers of the law speaking out against Heard - first being the one that arrested her for assaulting her then girlfriend/wife) yes, there are new witnesses saying the same but a lawyer that lived in the building said Heard was seen without make up and no bruises even back in 2016! that's not news, the same person also tweeted something about helping the real victim...

Johnny's friends all had agreed she treated him badly but they were too afraid to tell him that, said they watched her:

"f*ck with him at his weakest, or at his weakest from being f*cked with"

how do things like that not make people take a step back and consider that maybe, it's not the hundreds of people defending him that are trash? that he didn't pay all of them to lie (and how interesting to now have witnesses saying Heard asked them to “help” her by lying for her, that she said she had contacts in PEOPLE magazine, how interesting that all the things people accused Depp of, were actually something Heard did). he is willingly going back to court. he has invited her to show up at the court if she wishes to, “we are looking forward to that [her] evidence” his lawyer said.

why can't you just consider that it's the one shady person that is the piece of sh*t. a person who's "witnesses" are two of her friends who lived in Depp's home rent free. witnesses whose stories kept changing or didn't match her own. Even Heard kept changing things. At some point it was said she made a decision not to file a police report. later she said her LAWYER advised her not to file it (??? im sorry what? what lawyer would give that advice if something truly had happend?) and so many other things. honestly, how does that not make you suspicious?

and then we have the video, the video people think is proof that he abused her, even saying "there's a video of him hitting her, throwing glass at her blah blah blah" when he does NO SUCH THING. go watch it, I dare you to show me where exactly does any of that happen. all that happens in the video is that he's upset, but he's trying to ignore her. she keeps making it about herself despite the fact that he tells her it's not about her. and he slams some cupboards shut and throws a glass into the sink or something. damn I'm glad no one has filmed me when I was being abusive, by slamming the door behind me or throwing something a little harder than necessary when upset. no one does that unless they abuse their loved ones. still, Depp's not one of the smartest guys, is he. he sees his "victim" filming him while he "abuses" her and doesn't think to delete the video. sad

believe women is all nice and good, but not at all cost, not when there’s all that evidence against her. and what about all the women defending him? the list is pretty long, including JK Rowling who you've been bullying despite the fact that it was implied that she knows things that weren't made public at the time (and there's absolutely no excuse whatsoever for the bullying Johnny's daughter received for defending her father, you wanna pretend you don't support abuse? don't f*cking bully children) what about the female officers, one that witnessed Amber Heard assaulting her then partner, and the other who saw no bruises, no redness, no swelling on her face, no property damage, no disturbance (which Heard claimed was there) whatsoever?

who made the choice that, in all of this, Heard is the only woman to be believed?

not every case is the same. some people are truly guilty, but some are not. false allegations happen. and Depp was never found guilty, the restraining order request (a reminder that's all the case was about) was dropped WITH PREJUDICE. Another fun fact, the money she got was for the divorce, she got no compensation for the “abuse” as people like to say. they were married, when divorce happens, there is money involved, allegations or not, surely people know that. And guess what, being the abuser that he is *not, for some reason he did not have a prenup. funny isn’t it? one of the richest, most famous actors in the world, and he marries his “victim” without a prenup.

And let's not forget that according to the new documents in the Sun lawsuit it says she admitted to causing him multiple serious injuries. Oh yes, sure, she was just defending herself from her "bigger, stronger husband" as she said, because that's a perfectly natural way to phrase it. sure doesn't sound like a rehearsed manipulative bullsh*t to force you to picture this big bad MAN and the helpless fragile woman.

oh my God there's so much more to say. so much not only disproving her lies, but also showing she abused him, but it’s been said before and my venting is pointless, but I'm just so sick of people hating on a victim.

everytime those ignorant haters call him derogatory terms, make fun of his looks, or his social anxiety - which causes him to speak slower and stammer (which he's had his entire life but even more so now, while evil people were making fun of him at the tCoG premiere for having a hard time getting his point cross, saying he was high or drunk, I WAS FREAKING PROUD OF HIM for even standing up there in front of all those people, after two years of getting unfair hate and backlash against his casting in said movie) - it makes me sick.

Absolutely sick that this has been done to one of the most genuinely nice people in the hellhole that is Hollywood (”he doesn’t belong in show business, he belongs somewhere better” SJ. Parker). it feels like I'm in an alternative universe where it's all backwards.

I truly want to hope that things can turn around and people will hold the real perpetrator accountable for what she's done. But then I see the foolish hate, the lies (so many crazy, disgusting lies made about him by vile nobodies on the internet just to support the "bad guy" image when everything else fails and they have nothing but lies), the twisting of facts and truths, the misguided, ignorant support of Heard because she's a woman, and she had a pretty wig in Aquaman or whatever, and it feels hopeless again.

But he deserves better. Johnny Depp deserves better. And this may be too long and pointless, because who cares what I have to say, but I just had to vent, at least for my own good, because it’s been so frustrating.

Johnny Depp was a victim. He deserved love and support. Instead he got hate and bullying. Will people apologize and admit their mistake? No. Most will not.

But Johnny Depp deserves better.

#amber heard #johnny depp

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markwatkinsconsumerguide · 4 years

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Consumer Guide / No.95 / Mercury prize nominated singer / songwriter, and frontman of The Icicle Works, Ian McNabb, with Mark Watkins.

MW : What causes do you champion?

IM : The plight of Gaza. I stand against apartheid and support anyone who is downtrodden by fascism and oppression. I stand for freedom of speech which is being eradicated by the minute. I stand for anyone who is simply trying to be truthful to themselves and the world and is being prevented from doing so through no fault of their own. I stand for the “little man”.

MW : Football. Liverpool or Everton?

IM : I used to be a season ticket holder and still occasionally get excited when Liverpool are doing well but I see sport as an expensive distraction rather than something to live by as many people seem to do. I see the passion invested in Premier League football by the fans and wish they could bring this to effect in their own lives in a real, tangible manifestation as opposed to paying other people's mortgages and energising tribalism and frequently xenophobia.

MW : During his time as Employment Minister in Margaret Thatcher’s cabinet, Michael Heseltine instigated various positive initiatives for Liverpool. Has this growth lasted?

IM : There's a lot more trees (!) and if you look at pictures of Liverpool in the seventies and eighties versus now we must concede it looks like a real 21st- Century City as opposed to somewhere that's about to be demolished. And the International Garden Festival was nice, wasn't it?

MW : Have you ever used your fame and fortune to open doors?

IM : I don't think I would have had as many girlfriends as I have if I wouldn't have been in a band. I mean it's ridiculous. I couldn't count them all. I'm amazed I didn't succumb to AIDS as I went crazy in America in the eighties. We all did. It was on a plate. We were young, talented and good looking and we were in the right place at the right time.

But the best thing about fame and fortune (yeah right) is being able to meet and often perform with your musical heroes, something non-musical fans can only dream of. It was also great for getting on guest lists and into clubs free of charge.

MW : Have you ever had cause to correct an unfair review or incorrect facts in the music press?

IM : Occasionally, but I don't really read reviews or anything about myself in general. I did when we started but after one or two stinkers, I stopped. I don't worry about what people think about me, or my music. I honestly couldn't care less. As long as I like what I'm doing that's all that counts. If I hear I've been unfairly slandered I take a little more notice as I won't abide lies being told about me - but that's more to do with idiots on the internet, not the music press.

If someone doesn't like me I'm good with it. Enjoy. I get a lot more pleasure out of annoying people than making them happy. I really do. If I have the power to literally ENRAGE someone I get a real kick out of it. It's caused problems. If somebody tells me we've had a REALLY great review I might read it, but I find reading about oneself, or looking at oneself on film/video, uncomfortable. I think you'll find most artists are like that apart from megalomaniacs. I know quite a few of those.

I can remember a couple of awful reviews I've had in my career but I couldn't quote you one rave. I guess that's down to insecurity, which is rife in artists / performers.

MW : What’s your favourite book, ‘45, and movie of all-time?

IM : ‘The Right Stuff’ by Thom Wolfe. I grew up in the sixties so I was a child throughout Kennedy's moon-shot vision. ‘The Right Stuff’ only goes up to NASA's Mercury missions but it's the best book I've read on The Space Race.

My favourite single? Ridiculous question. The ‘45 that probably changed my life was ‘Get It On / Raw Ramp’ by T.Rex on the Fly label. I bought it second hand for 25p when I was eleven. Crazy to think that 25p can change your life forever isn't it?

‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ is my favourite movie. My dad took me to see it when I was seven and I thought "I'll be on the Moon when I'm twenty-one." It made space travel look like a cakewalk. It was an exciting time to be alive. I've met a lot of cats in my time but meeting Keir Dullea and Gary Lockwood at the BFI a few years ago is the most jazzed I've ever been.

MW : Tell me about your new music...

IM : ‘Utopian’. My twentieth studio LP. It's going to feature twenty songs, maybe half-a-dozen of them old ones that were demo'd but never got recorded properly. They deserve more attention.

I know I'm the best songwriter around today and I'm going to prove it. It's very difficult to get people to listen to anything these days. Especially since the internet offers ANYTHING with one click. I'm told I must keep it brief, people haven't got the time or the attention span in today's world I'm continually told, so I'm going to give them even more to digest. I'm going to make it a challenge to absorb all the information.

You should always try to give your audience what they need - not what they want. That gets harder as they get older and ticket prices get higher.

www.ianmcnabb.com

My thanks to Helen Lonsdale Robinson for her help co-ordinating this interview.

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tsurvivorbelize · 5 years

Text

S88E1: “Her Name Is Actually Emily” - Kyle

The premiere of Tumblr Survivor 88: Belize takes 18 new castaways to the heart of the jungle and start their journey to become the newest Sole Survivor.

This episode covers DAYS 1 & 2.

Honestly? I’m kinda loving this game. Everyone on my tribe seems really cool, and we’re seemingly working together well. Normally I enjoy some drama and getting my hands dirty a bit early on but based on first impressions with this tribe? I don’t think I’d mind if we all got our to merge- then again it’s just day 1, by day 10 I’ll probably be begging for a swap.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efa-NmW_vnQ&feature=youtu.be

https://youtu.be/RR37pTsKF-w

I'm already getting shady and good vibes .I'm worried already but I hope things can get better

I’m super excited, idk how I feel about my tribe...idk I feel like not many people I will connect with but imma have to fake it until I make it

So I just spent the past few hours talking to everyone on the tribe and nearly forgot we had a challenge 🤷‍♂️. So yeah, I don’t think anyone is going to peg me as the brains of any operation, and I’m starting to think maybe I need to be assigned the “Very easy” puzzle. That’s not because I forgot we had a challenge though, that’s just because I’m stupid.

So at this point there is 3 people in my tribe who already know each other! At this the 3 left in the tribe could join forces and force a tie, which I find very risky at this point, or we could just suck those 3 ass and try to be in the majority alliance with them.

Good afternoon (although the time right now is 7am in Belize so I guess good morning) from the lovely Minanha tribe, and holy shit. I know Survivors are based around luck, but lucking out on having two guys I've known for about 5-6 years on my tribe as immediate easy allies is fantastic. Spike, I met through Minecraft UHCs years ago, where I teamed with him in one of my first games and it was great, and Adam I met through an SMP server run by somebody you guys may all know, Bodhi/Goldcap, and then I basically introduced Adam to a bunch of my other friend groups. Through this, there's a beautiful time to be had for this tribe and I'm just infinitely hoping that Adam and Spike don't stab me in the spine.

Hey so first day or 2 in tribe has been good, I like everyone! It helps I know Katy and Spike but also like I don't want that to put a target on our backs, and it'd be unfair to just work with those I already know, I will do but if needed I can be ruthless. Hopefully we win this challenge and then see what happens, if it goes to tribal well, that's when it gets interesting.

Spike and Axe have both accidentally said racial slurs without realising they'd said racial slurs because they'd never heard of them before and they made them both by just combining my name with Spike's name. Oh no. This tribe is fucked and we're all gonna die.

https://youtu.be/xUvO_y05KNQ

MY FRIENDS ARE FIGHTING ABOUT BRIE LARSON NOOOOOOOOOO.

https://youtu.be/HlsfD_JvUrs

When the hosts make a comment about adding hosts to alliance chats, and you then assume it means that alliances have sprouted.......then you realize you had three people ask you to work together, but alliances typically consist of 3 or more people and include a chat with those people......... Then you realize that means the probability of people disliking you is high and you’ve solidified your first boot status 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Okay so my tribe is a pretty decent I guess. Brien Weber isnt the kind of girl I like to be honest. He betrayed me and I voted him out my last org so this should be fun! Emily talks like a robot too btw? My closest ally is definitely Kyle. We have a lot in common and he thinks i'm cute so it's easy to flirt with him to get on my side. Taylor and Scott arent bad either. I'm building my relationship to them- maybe they could potentially turn into future allies for me :)

I think im gonna vote matt cause he doesn't talk much

https://youtu.be/VIheM4S1IHw

- I can’t believe I looked at Cas’ photo and thought he was an old white woman....my bad

- Aaron is really starting to turn me off. He’s acting crazy about voting off David. I mean I’m finna do it so I’m not a target but I got my eye on him.

https://youtu.be/1qEEEchOOqM

- So a few of my friends decided to take a trek into these temples and came back out with punishments and disappointment. However my lucky self came out with a no vote pass to give away to someone else. So if someone gets testy and decides to be shady as shit, then I'll gladly revoke their voting privileges! :D

- I really like my tribe. I'm getting really close with some people too! Like Jarret, he's like my best friend in the game right now and always makes me laugh. Then Brien is my drinking buddy, Olivia, I mean Emily is my fellow Michigander, Taylor is my comedy bud, and Scott is my strategy co-conspirator.

- Okay, I keep telling everyone I'm not tired, but I'm fucking tired. Being social is exhausting. I should let everyone hate me and not give a shit if I'm honest.

https://youtu.be/TWCyhqBxyG8

https://youtu.be/gWjLMsOGjvs

- So, as luck would have it, I'm the only person on my tribe who got 3 points from that puzzle challenge, but even that was real close against Brien from No Vaxx or whatever that tribe is called. I wasn't sure what kind of scores to expect from anybody in this game, as I'm used to people who tryhard the fuck out of challenges rather than just submit a semi-good score, and honestly... these scores still don't tell me much whatsoever. Probably just that I shouldn't underestimate the girl who can do a puzzle in 10 seconds.

- Veni, who is my host chat friend I've invited in, has raised a hilarious point as well. In every Survivor I've ever played, whether Minecraft or Discord or Twitter, I've never been perceived as a challenge threat before. The closest I ever got was when I stayed awake for 40 hours to win immunity at merge. But with my score here, and being the only person to get 3 points on my tribe... what if I finally, after being shit in other Survivor challenges for years, end up being a challenge threat? Crikey crikey.

https://youtu.be/wWNdip6Vxpc

- Skype's auto-responses make me wanna end it.

- My previous 2 or so confessionals have been submitted as Day 2, I apologise profusely, but anyway... I wanna take a confessional to comment on the guys in the tribe I don't know from outside the game. Christian, Pietro & Gevonte. I've only just managed to speak to Gevonte today, she's been very much busy and inactive but hey, she's here now and very fun to speak to. We've spoken a fair bit about the differences between FB & Discord Survivors, since neither of us have played Tumblr Survivors before (I think???), and with her inactivity I thought she was a sure fire easy first boot for the tribe, but now I'm not so sure. Pietro is a darling as well, and seems to be pretty much the exact same as a mutual me, Axe, Spike & Veni all have called Kaz, who's also from Brazil. Speaks very much the same as Pietro does, they both have the same mannerisms and same level of likeability and ease to speak to, and I think Pietro is a fun ally as well. And then there's Christian. Don't get me wrong, Christian is also very pleasant, very kind and clearly a lovely person to interact with, but when I compare them to my interactions for the first time with Gevonte or Pietro, they're much more... I guess the optimal word would be awkward to speak to. Maybe they're just not good with new people, maybe it's me and my Asperger's being weird, or maybe there's just not good chemistry between us, but I do value Christian, but at this point, based off nothing else because there's nothing else to base it off, I'd choose Christian as the tribe's goat, and the tribe's easy boot moving forward. Then again, I could just back stab Spike ^w^

I’m very concerned for Olivia. Everyone has now been in the talks of alliances, and her name is the only one that hasn’t been mentioned, and that’s not even because her name is actually Emily. They just haven’t brought her up. She’s such a sweetie though, so I really hope she gets some free time to do some more talking.

- Okay let’s chat. My tribe...pretty lame. David is basically inactive. Cas has the personality of cardboard so far. Jay is actually cool. AARON IS THE MOST. He’s constantly sending me voice messages which idk why it irritates me but it does. Just message me dude. And he is so paranoid! He thinks everybody is always trying to cheat. Idk...where I come people play for fun and don’t aggressively cheat or maybe that’s just me. He’s pressed about not being able to talk cross tribal (dumb). AND he aggressively wants David out because he’s worried since David knows Madison he might log on to her phone or she might leak info to help him cheat. Boy bye. I’m not going to do anything about him yet because the beauty of being in a new community is I can play dumb like idk what I’m doing and I’m really trying to capitalize and act wholesome. Yikes when the confessional comes out 😅. But oh well. I’m just going to let Aaron explain how to play to me and coast through until I can reach Gevonte who will be my for real ride or die.

- Madison is pretty.

Tumblr Survivor: Belize, condragulations, you are the winner.

So it's been almost a full round and.... I'm only JUST now talking to most of my tribe lmfaoo. Skype is so weird. Just it being on a different platform makes socializing weird for me. Because I have to remember skype exists. On top of that, everyone else on the tribe seems not all that talkative in and of itself. Granted I know I wasnt tosking all that much either, but since we're safe I need to spend the next few days making connections or else I'm just gonna be another nameless flop. And I've done TOO much of that on FB as it is!

Day 2 and everyone has gone mad already, talking about drag queens and other pop culture stuff.

https://youtu.be/uYl2b48z5GA

https://youtu.be/da7YR2Uz08A

Why does Christian keep asking me about my toilet?

#episode #confessionals

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torentialtribute · 5 years

Text

Juventus fans not convinced by Maurizio Sarri and he is no longer ‘one of us’ to furious Napoli

The movement of players or managers from Napoli to Juventus was free until recently innocent.

Dino Zoff and Ciro Ferrara exchanged football in the Bay of Naples for action in the Alps because of their sales, which came in cash for the southern team.

Similarly, Fabio Cannavaro moved to Parma when the balance looked bleak in 1995, before coming to Juventus almost a decade later.

<img id = "i-391266199054c006" src = "https://dailym.ai/2XT0H0T -0-image-a-18_1560781961089.jpg "height =" 438 "width =" 634 "alt =" Maurizio Sarri has broken a number of bridges in Naples by deciding to take over at Juventus

Maurizio Sarri broke a number of bridges in Naples by deciding to take over power at Juventus

<img id = "i-d10f7cd3acda22d6" src = "https : //i.dailymail.co.uk/1s/2019/06/17/15/14894740-0-image-a-19_1560781985326.jpg "height =" 423 "width =" 634 "alt =" The Italian was worshiped in the southern city, but many now feel to be because of him. was worshiped in the southern city, but many now feel beytrayal because of him "

The Italian was worshiped in the southern city, but many now feel he was incorporated by him

The transfer of Gonzalo Higuain three seasons ago was the first really controversial switch between the clu bs, which was Calcio's biggest story in the summer of 2016. But Maurizio Sarri's appointment as Juve manager overshadows everything

Napoli fans loved their former boss, who took over in 2015 and revealed that he was born in the city before moving to Tuscany as a child.

A strong left-hand lane runs through Naples, and Sarri appealed to the Neapolitans because he was one of the masses – a worker, an ordinary man with extraordinary talent – not a very well-groomed television presenter or a smooth-headed talking showman .

He was a blunt football fan in a training suit, without commercialization, and for many years I played a normal job at a bank with coaching from lower-level teams. I often looked desperately at a cigarette.

When Napoli played Juve at the San Paolo in December 2017, both parties wore alternative comics for no reason other than to maximize the sale of Christmas gifts. After the game, Sarri said: & # 39; I was hoping to be dead before I could see Juventus in yellow. & # 39;

<img id = "i-519ae75707745fbd" src = "https://dailym.ai/2IlBRBj Sarri_once_stuck_up_the_middle_finger_to_Juventus_fans_when_Napo-a-46_1560783114331.jpg "height =" 628 "width =" 634 "alt =" Sarri once stopped using the middle finger to Juventus fans when Napoli traveled to play them "

im 1945 i-519ae75707745fbd "src =" https://dailym.ai/2Y13BRr height "634" "alt =" Sarri once stopped using the middle finger for Juventus fans when Napoli traveled to play them "class =" blkBorder img-share "

signed for Juventus from Napoli "

The striker made the controversial move in 2016" class = "blkBorder img-share "/>

The striker made the controversial move in 2016"

The move of Gonzalo Higuain from Napoli to Juventus was one of the most controversial

Such honesty was manna from heaven for his apostles. Banners proclaimed the immortal love for the coach. One of those honors said & # 39; Sarri One Of Us & # 39 ;. It was a united front of the underdogs of the south against the rich northern Italian powers. Groups emerged on social media, including & # 39; Sarrismo-Gioia and Rivoluzione (Joy and Revolution) & # 39 ;. & # 39; Commander Sarri & # 39; was their noble leader.

Football was also intoxicating. Sarri & # 39; s Napoli did not stop Juventus from expanding their inevitable run of league wins, but they won new admirers around the world.

In Sarri & # 39; s last campaign, 2017/18, the Azzurri finished second with an incredible 91 points. Very good, but tormenting, not good enough: shades of Liverpool & # 39; s magnificent attempt of 2018/19.

When Sarri accepted Chelsea's job a year ago, Napoli fans wished him the best. They were happy that he got a chance in the Premier League. When he canceled the UEFA Europa League, his first major trophy, he was welcomed by all Neapolitans.

Thirty years ago Diego Maradona received the same cup in a Napoli shirt.

The surly boss landed himself in hot water in defense of his players at Juve & Allianz Stadium in April 2018. When Napoli traveled to Turin faced the champions Sarri was filmed in front of the team bus and gave the middle finger to Bianconeri supporters who upset him and his team.

<img id = "i-ed7bb728478d500b" src = "https://dailym.ai/2IkUl4R -0-image-a-22_1560782159072.jpg "height =" 435 "width =" 634 "alt =" For three years, Sarri helped push Juventus to the edge, but they always failed "push Juventus to the edge, but they were always short

For three years, Sarri helped Juventus to the edge, but they always fell short

<img id = "i-12cbe40f6395736a" src = "https://dailym.ai/2XSdAsb -a-21_1560782118295.jpg "height =" 452 "width =" 634 "alt =" Sarri was seen by Napoli fans as a man of the people and loved the attacking football "<img id =" i-12cbe40f6395736a "src =" https://dailym.ai/2IlBTcp "height =" 452 "width =" 634 "alt = "<img id =" i-12cbe40f6395736a "src =" https://dailym.ai/2IlBTcp "height =" 452 "width =" 634 "alt =" Sarri was seen by Napoli fans as a man of people and they loved attacking football

That kind of behavior, plus the quality that his team expressed, explains why he was so rev ered and worshiped. But that band is now under extreme pressure. Some feel betrayed.

For decades, supporters in San Paolo Juve have been seen in a suspicious light. The teams often fought each other for the title. Geographical and socio-economic differences have also ignited rivalry.

Win Percentage – 61.9

In 2016 Diego Maradona told L & # 39; Espresso & # 39; I regularly had the opportunity to go to Juventus from Napoli. Their president Gianni Agnelli invited me to choose my salary. But I rejected him. I could never have gone there. It would have been an insult to my fans in Naples. "But the world has changed and not everyone is that militant.

Football is a company. Players, directors and coaches are not fans. Maurizio Sarri could not say no to Juventus and this new challenge makes sense to him. He is ambitious, and as shown by his stint with Chelsea, thick skin.

For every Italian in the football world, Juventus is the maximum.

Sarri's mission will be to work by Marcello Lippi The cigar-smoking manager with cigar skirt left Napoli to take control of Juve in the summer of 1994. In his first spell with the Bianconeri, Lippi won three scudets and the Champions League in 1996. They are not European champions since

<img id = "i-193789b3f254c1ba" src = "https://dailym.ai/2XPAC2G -image-a-34_1560782618185.jpg "height =" 423 "width =" 634 "alt =" <img id = "i-193789b3f254c1ba" src = "https: //i.dailymail.c o.uk/1s/2019/06/17/15/14895346-0-image-a-34_1560782618185.jpg "height =" 423 "width =" 634 "alt =" The Italian helped Chelsea to third place in the Premier League to the Europa League and a third place in the Premier League "

The Italian helped Chelsea to the Europa League and a third place ended in the Premier League

<img id = "i-439effd90b84c5a3" src = "https://dailym.ai/2IlBTJr "height =" 423 "width =" 634 "alt =" <img id = "i-439effd90b84c5a3" src = "https://dailym.ai/2XWmFjy 0-image-a-32_1560782574687.jpg "height =" 423 "width =" 634 "alt ="

<img id = "i-439effd90b84c5a3" src = "https://dailym.ai/2uS4u1n 1s / 2019/06/17/15 / 14894714-0-image-a-32_1560782574687.jpg "height =" 423 "width =" 634 "alt =" Juventus fans are skeptical about Sarri & # 39; s appointment but he can deliver offensive football

Juventus-fa ns are skeptical about Sarri's appointment but he can deliver offensive football

The consternation is not limited to Sarri & # 39; s old worshipers. Not every Juventus fan is convinced. The man in ill-fitting sportswear with a cigarette butt between his lips does not match everyone's view of a Bianconeri boss. Massimiliano Allegri was an impeccably well-dressed and witty man who never took himself too seriously.

Since Allegri left, many Juve supporters have dreamed of certain Manchester-based, intense and fashionably dressed Catalans in their dugout. Initially, Juve's believers were not impressed by his appointment.

About 100 fans went to club headquarters and sang anti-Allegri chants when he first took over in 2014. But he led them to five consecutive titles and four doubles in a row.

The Other The Allegri teams, although flexible and tactically advanced, were not very entertaining.

Juve & # 39; s slogan is & # 39; winning is not the most important thing, it is the only thing that counts & # 39 ;. But President Andrea Agnelli is well aware of the appeal and power of exciting football.

Massimiliano Allegri supervised a period of continued success and dominance over Juventus "

dominance over Juventus"

Massimiliano Allegri supervised a period of continued success and dominance at Juventus

<img id = "i-1974b7de363d5000" src = "https://i.dailymail.co .uk / 1s / 2019/06/17/15 / 14894704-0-image-a-20_1560782066073.jpg "height =" 422 "width =" 634 "alt =" <img id = "i-1974b7de363d5000" src = " https://dailym.ai/2IlBWoB "height =" 422 "width =" 634 "alt =" <img id = "i-1974b7de363d5000" src = "https://dailym.ai/2IlBWoB" height = "422" width = "634" alt = "Many Juventus fans see Pep Guardiola as the perfect combination, but he resides in Manchester"

Many Juventus fans see Pep Guardiola as the perfect combination, but he stays in Manchester [TeamssuchasBarcelonaandRealMadridhavebuiltnohugebaseintheirswasashandhewillbesurprisedaboutitnineninenineandninewillbesurprisedThatwillbeSarri'sjob

Sarri is no longer & # 39; one of us & # 39; for the Napoli loyalists and parts of the Allianz Stadium it must be convinced that he is the right choice. In a horror of fate, the former commander was the last visiting coach who came home from Juventus in the spring of 2018 with all three points in the Series A.

The Facebook page & # 39; Sarrismo – Gioia e Rivoluzione & # 39; published a long statement on Sunday afternoon. The one part was the most of them all. & # 39; Juventus has shown that they can buy almost anything that has received a prize in this world. But poetry has no price. Their partnership can be successful, but neither Juventus nor Sarri will ever experience something comparable to his three seasons in Naples. It's not about results, but much more: emotions.

Yet emotions and results are exactly what his aristocratic new employers will demand. It will not be easy, but rough diamond Sarri likes to do things the hard way.

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#Juventus fans not convinced by Maurizio Sarri and he is no longer ‘one of us’ to furious Napoli"

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

Text

Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

The QPR defender talks powerfully about his strives with mental illness, his addictions to gamble and drinking and why “he il be” thankful still to be alive

Steven Caulker has a fable to tell and, as hard as it is to hear, it is best plainly to listen. His stream of consciousness veers from scoring on his England debut less than five years ago and the excite at potential being realised to the frightening mental health issues a matter that have almost terminated it all in the period since. A actor who, from the outside, emerged consecrated with endowment and opportunity speaks of frantic nervousnes and self-loathing.

He entertained killing himself in his darkest instants with his path one of self-destruction. Endeavors at escapism rate him hundreds of thousands of pounds, compensations frittered away in casinoes. Then came the drinking is targeted at numbing the sting. The 25 -year-old notes himself recalling the times spent in custody watching CCTV footage of his misdemeanours, his lawyer at his slope, and not recognising the infamous being on the screen.

Football is still coming to terms with mental illness and Caulker, an international and a last-place linger remember at Queens Park Rangers of financially misguided dates as a Premier League club, has been an easy target. He is not was striving to make excuses or acquire sympathy. These are details he knows unpleasant to narrate. Ive sat here for years hating myself and never understand why it is I couldnt only be like everybody else, he says. This time was almost the end. I seemed for large spans there was no light-footed at the end of the passageway. And yet “hes not” residence a gambling since December, or stroked alcohol since early March. The healing process that can rehabilitate him to the top level is well under way, with this interview, one he attempted out, potentially another step on the road to recovery.

A little under a year ago Caulker had spoken to the Guardian about a life-changing week spent in Sierra Leone, of humbling yet invigorating benevolence work with ActionAid that had rendered him with a sense of view. He returned to be galvanised under Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink at Loftus Road and, having invested the previous season on loan at Southampton and Liverpool unfulfilling stints which fuelled his latent dangers was ready to give his all. Early season recitals against Leeds and Cardiff indicated confidence had been rebuilt, reward for a summer of incessant fitness work.

The trigger that they are able to mail him spiralling to rock bottom would be injury. He snapped his groin at Barnsley and played in pain for weeks, dreading a incantation back in rehabilitation, before succumbing to an accompanied hip objection. I owed it to QPR to try, he says, but I was naive thinking I could still perform with the weeping. He has not played since last-place October, with the period celebrated by personal ferment and, simply of late, resurgence. Talking publicly, he advocated, may place younger participates towards seeking assist if they find themselves trampling the same itinerary, or knowing the same gumption of desertion, in a merciless industry. The real hope is the activity, as gallant as it is, may eventually prove more cathartic for Caulker himself.

He recognises his football ability as a gift but likewise a swear. It took him from Sunday League at 15 into the Premier League four years later, to the 2012 Olympics with Great Britain and into Roy Hodgsons England side for a friendly in Sweden later that year. His talent has persuaded some of the most respected directors he is worth engaging. Yet, while he could still get away with it on the pitch, he lived in denial. It was more than six years into his busines before he admitted he necessitated assist. You always think you can rein it back in again and the money plies a inaccurate sense of security. But at Southampton I realised, mentally, I was extend. I wasnt playing, my job was going nowhere and I had to reach out to someone. Medical doctors there tried to help me but others were just telling me got to go on the tone and express myself.

There was no understanding as to what was happening in my leader. I know theyd returned me in to do a job and they werent there to be babysitters. Just like at QPR, I needed to justify the money they were paying me but I was in a state and, at some place, there has to be a duty of care. Football does not deal well with mental illness. Maybe its changing but the support mechanisms are so often not there. Ive spoken to so many actors who have been told to go to the Sporting Chance clinic and theyve accepted because they know, if they take time off, theyll “losing ones” neighbourhood in the team. Someone gradations in and does well, so youre departed. That dissuades parties from getting improve. You feel obliged to get on with things.

I would urge cubs to speak to the PFA, to speak to their director, and not be scared about being stopped if they are experiencing like I did. Be brave enough to say you need improve before its too late. The feeling Id ever involved something to take the edge off. Football was my flee as a kid but that changed when I was chucked into the first team as a adolescent and abruptly football came with distres. My behavior of to address it, even in the early stages of my career, was gambling. Im an addict. Im addicted to triumphing, which people say is a positive in football but certainly not when it extends to gambling. I was addicted to trying to beat the system, because you reassure yourself there is a plan to it and you can beat it. You can never get your brain around why you arent.

Steven Caulker, here celebrating after scoring on his England debut in 2012, says his football ability is a gift but too a affliction. Photograph: Michael Regan/ Getty Images

He has played 123 ages in the Premier League and for eight teams with the same, horribly familiar hertz of insecurity and self-destruction seeking him to each. There is always a catalyst to the nosedive. The sleepless darkness, sat up till 5am replaying every bad decision Ive ever became in my life, perturbing what will be next Tottenham moved me to Bristol City on loan at 18 and they set me in a flat in the city centre surrounded by nightclubs, two casinos opposite, the various kinds of coin Id never seen in my life, and no counseling whatsoever. I was plucked formerly by a member of staff and told Id been recognized in the casino at 3am but their posture was: What you do in your free time is your business. Just dont gave it affect your acts out on the pitch.

At Swansea a year later it was an injury which created it all to the surface, and Spurs communicated me to Boasting Chance to sort myself out while I was recovering from my knee but I wasnt ready. I hadnt experienced enough agony to form me want to stop. I was gambling heavily when I went back to Tottenham, biding up to crazy hours of the darknes in casinos. I guess never feeling good enough played a big part in that. I never appeared I was on the same degree as any of the first-teamers but a big win in the casino and fund in my back pocket might change that. Being stopped sounds me even more because football was what I had relied on to make me feel better. So then the gambling was every single day. The pain of forgetting all my fund, combined with the pity and guilt, ingest away at me. So Id drink myself into oblivion so I wouldnt have to feel anything. I was numb but I was out of control.

The chairman, Daniel Levy, eventually attempted him out on a post-season trip-up to the Bahamas. He just said: The room you act is phenomenal. You either sort yourself out or lead but I can assure you, if you leave, youll be going down , not up. I was young, stupid. I took it as a challenge, a chance to prove him wrong. I was so immature. So I went to Cardiff and, for six months, everything was amazing. I was chieftain, the manager, Malky Mackay, knew I had some issues but offered to be there for me. I experienced wanted, so there was no gambling , no heavy binges but the second largest he was sacked, all the beasts came back. Thats all it took. Even before we played the next game, Id persuasion myself good-for-nothing would be the same. Thats the kind of cataclysmic envisioning Ive had to address.

Steven Caulker, here playing for Tottenham against Arsenal in 2010, says he made a big mistake leaving Spurs. Photo: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

I pointed up at QPR that summertime, 2014, trying to hold it together, but the prompt there came in the second largest recreation when we were pummelled 4-0 at Tottenham. That detecting coming off the tone at White Hart Lane, knowing marriage been humiliated and that Levy was sitting up in the stand thinking: I told you so There was no disclaiming it any more. Id made a big mistake leaving Spurs. I should have stayed and sorted myself out. I required the ground to swallow me up. It just pounded in my psyche: dejection, unhappines, bitternes. From that instant I was run, even if I never wanted to accept it, and there is nothing that intensified. Id go for days without sleeping. I dont known better I endured it. That time was an absolute nightmare.

It was a vicious circle. Wed lose at the weekend and the love would get at me, and Id be interrupting. I really wanted to help us get results but we werent good enough and Id walk away taking responsibility in my head for the whole crews flunks. I couldnt sleep, are concerned about what had happened. The only comfort I acquired was in booze. It would silence the tones of indecision and self-hate, temporarily regardless, but Id be too intoxicated to go into teach, and the blackouts Id have no remember of anything. It could be Monday and Id have no remembrance of what had happened since Saturday night. Id wake up, roll over and look at my phone, and thered be texts from people saying: Did you really do this last-place darknes? The director want to talk to you. It was petrifying because I didnt know what had happened.

There were occasions where reference is would wake up in a police cell. He pouts when asked how often he has been arrested, upset to admit the above figures, but the drunk and disorderly offences would flare up from London to Southampton to Merseyside. Sometimes Id be sat there with law enforcement agencies and my solicitor, watching the CCTV footage of what Id done, and I didnt recognise myself. I couldnt conceive the person or persons I was. Its so hard to accept I could be like that. In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the nighttime throwing up, people were blackmailing me, association proprietors and bouncers: Offer money or well sell this story on you. And I had no meaning what Id even done on those blackouts. I eventually told the sorority I couldnt function and needed to go back into rehab.

Things might have improved last-place season under Hasselbaink had the hip hurt, diagnosed as a week-long edition that became a complaint which induced five different diagnosis , not interpret him powerless is again. Id expensed the organization 8m, was one of the top earners and one of the few left from the Premier League, and beings had no explanation why I wasnt acting. Why I was absent. It ended up as my toughest year ever. I couldnt learn. My girlfriend lost her mother and was grieving while living with someone struggling with craving. My son, who lives with his mother in Somerset, is still in academy so Id go months without recognizing him. He had always been my safe place. There was no release.

QPR and my agent tried to push me towards Lokomotiv Moscow in January, saying it would be a fresh start. Portion of me contemplated the money they were offering could solve all my difficulties but why would being on my own out in Russia help? I had no feeling how to separate the cycle and is available on Moscow while still disabled only appeared a recipe for disaster. The director, Ian Holloway, was actually tell people to stand. Id been in his office close to rips, so he said: How anyone could feel sending you there would be a good theme is beyond me. You need to get yourself right. I realized him for that but, for the sorority, I can see why it was appealing to be shot of me but I was in no fit district to move and eventually pulled the plug on it.

Id had one last-place gamble and lost a blaze of a lot of money in December. A last blowout. It was at that point I lastly countenanced I could not win; that there was no quick fix , no more fantasizing I could save the world through one good nighttime on the roulette wheel. It was all a fantasize that took me away from having to feel anything. I entertained suicide a lot in that stage. A dark era. Everything Id gone through in football, where had it taken me? All the remorse, the shame, the shame, the public humiliation in the working paper and for what? I could cling to my son, to what Id done in Africa, or the dimensions Id bought their own families, but Id blown everything else. I calculate Ive lost 70% what Ive payed. When “were losing” that amount of money, the guilt thats so many lives you could have changed. There was no flee , no way out, other than to leave.

Steven Caulker says: In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the darknes throwing up, parties were extorting me, club owneds and bouncers. Picture: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

But, in the moments of clarity, I knew I couldnt do that because of my son. I havent gambled since but the drink crowded the void for a while. I was frightened and didnt feel like there was anywhere else to transform. Rehab didnt production before so why would it work now? I stupidly took convenience in the alcohol but it objective up deepening the depression. It was relentless from every slant. Until 12 March. Thats the day I lost my “drivers licence”. Thats when I realised my life had now become unmanageable.

Caulker was ordered to pay 12,755 in penalties and costs at Slough magistrates court at the end of March and was banned from driving for 18 months, having refused to blow into a breathalyser after police were called to a parking lot near Windsor Castle. I knew I was over the limit, I knew Id get the ban but I didnt want to tell my parents Id fucked up again. What if I had driven the car out of the car park and killed someone? No, that was it. Ive been up before a adjudicate four or five times. No more second probabilities. Its a incarcerate sentence next. I was still injured and unable to play, so I signed off sick. I went to see a specialist who diagnosed me with depression and nervousnes. He prescribed me medication and we put together a design where I would take some time away to sort myself out.

He and his lover travelled to Africa and India, is contributing to orphanages, homeless shelters and academies where the bear was exposed and obvious. He has attended countless Gamblers Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous gathers, and has reached out to support works in video games such as Clarke Carlisle for advice. He has not touched alcohol since his arrest in March. He takes medication, a feeling stabiliser is striving to match my high-priceds and lows, and address that substance inequality which draws my practices so cataclysmic, twice a day. Golf is a new, most constructive vice.

People say Ive done all this because Ive had too much money shed at me but I know teenagers without a penny who have the same addictive characters as me. Whether I played football or not I would still be suffering from this illness, precisely without the public pressure and mortification. Addiction does not care. I am a man of extremes. Parties dont find me doing the additional training, feeing right, going to the reserve every night to get fit, were represented at the anonymous convenes, doing the donation make. That is still me. That is who I am. But I get fucked by these other demons and I desperately necessary something in the middle. I feel like Im getting there now, that things have finally changed.

Im doing interesting thing merely to prompt me to stay on track. I could be relying on taxis to get me everywhere while Im banned but Im exploiting public transport. Im living in one of the owneds I own in Feltham, back where I grew up, to stir me recollect how hard I had to work to get out of here aged 15. Its a remember that, if I continue to unravel, I wont improve my statu again. Money considers the fissures. It can be evil. It prolongs the agony.

QPRs musicians reported for pre-season last-place Friday but Caulker, who has one year to run on his contract and has been improving all summertime with the former conference player Drewe Broughton at Goals centre in Hayes, had been signed off until July. Life at the golf-club had degenerated into an incessant flow of internal disciplinary hearings and, despite Holloway having become clear his desire to retain the centre-halfs business, his future will not is currently under Loftus Road. What happens next is all a bit perplexed, all a bit uncertain, he says. The manager has texted me several times offering his support and “says hes” misses me at the club but my brand-new representative has been informed by the owners Im not welcome back.

For too long Ive disliked everything about myself and I needed to learn to affection myself again. I miss video games like crazy. I dont detect as if Ive experienced playing football since Cardiff. I dont want to type my identify into Google and just see a roster of humbling narrations. I want people to remember I am a footballer who was good enough to represent his country at 20 and still has 10 years left in the game. At 40% of my ability, I was playing at the highest level. Now I feel good mentally and I want the chance to show people, including my son, what I am absolutely capable of. Wherever the opportunity starts, Im exactly appreciative still to be alive.

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

Text

Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

The QPR defender talks powerfully about his strives with mental illness, his addictions to gamble and drinking and why “he il be” thankful still to be alive

Steven Caulker, here celebrating after scoring on his England debut in 2012, says his football ability is a gift but too a affliction. Photograph: Michael Regan/ Getty Images

Steven Caulker, here playing for Tottenham against Arsenal in 2010, says he made a big mistake leaving Spurs. Photo: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

Steven Caulker says: In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the darknes throwing up, parties were extorting me, club owneds and bouncers. Picture: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

The post Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2wBPG5y via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes

apsbicepstraining · 7 years

Text

Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

The QPR defender talks powerfully about his strives with mental illness, his addictions to gamble and drinking and why “he il be” thankful still to be alive

Steven Caulker, here celebrating after scoring on his England debut in 2012, says his football ability is a gift but too a affliction. Photograph: Michael Regan/ Getty Images

Steven Caulker, here playing for Tottenham against Arsenal in 2010, says he made a big mistake leaving Spurs. Photo: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

Steven Caulker says: In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the darknes throwing up, parties were extorting me, club owneds and bouncers. Picture: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

The post Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2wBPG5y via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes