#sometimes it feels like no one cares about me but me yknow?

[corvidcall]

sometimes you see a bad tweet and it makes you upset all day but you cant interact with it in any way because then twitter will just be encouraged to show you more bad tweets. but it did ruin my whole fucking day

#anime life #the tweet was something like #'MAYBE when trans women talk about how bad testosterone is its because of their own trauma #and its not about trans men because literally nobody was talking about you guys oh my god' #like... ok...? #but trans men can still HEAR you tho.... #i don't think its fair to act like trans men are self obsessed professional victims or whatever just because you said something shitty #like yes it's from your trauma and not about trans men but. yknow. #if i post about how ugly my fat body is #just because its coming from a place of trauma and societal abuse doesnt mean my comments don't hurt the other fat people who hear it #anyway i think part of why it's stuck with me all day is because it made me feel so sad #sometimes it feels like no one cares about me but me yknow? #like no one cares about trans mascs but other trans mascs #and no one cares about fat people but other fat people #and no one cares about disabled people but other disabled people #i KNOW that isn't true!!! #factually that is false #but sometimes it really feels like people only care about me in as much as they care about telling me i better not start thinking i matter #as much as they do (people whose lives and problems and societal marginalizations ACTUALLY matter) #and then if you try to talk about your problems to explain how theyre real you just get made fun of #oh well. time to get under my weighted blanket and get real small #and try not to get entirely black pilled by the world lol

[yuridovewing]

As a fellow Dovewing lover, it's frustrating how the fandom watered her down into a whiny brat who never cared about Ivypool. I mean, seriously? Not only did Dovewing care about her sister (reacting in horror when Lionblaze, her own mentor and Jayfeather are willing to potentially sacrifice Ivypool's safety by employing her as her spy instead of trying to get her out of the Dark Forest's clutches, hiding a thorn in her nest to cover for her scarring from her training).

Heck, even the scene where she tries to feed Ivypool her catch during a hunting patrol was demonized because 'she was trying to make Ivypool break the code like SHE does, as if it doesn't matter' and because she got upset when Ivypool started arguing with her! But you guys said she didn't care, right? Plus, people act like being forced into a prophecy is something you should be grateful for, as if it didn't irreparably change her close relationship with her sister? As if Lionblaze and Jayfeather didn't still keep her out of the loop (and for all the fussing they made about keeping it a secret, Lionblaze confesses his power to Cinderheart and Jayfeather doesn't even care).

Meanwhile Nightheart is angry he isn't orange and hates his mom for being exiled and the whole world has to stop for him. 🤪 And Bramblestar is simply so tortured by having an evil father, the only choice is to train with him and his evil half-brother and hide this from his wife! (But remember, it's bad when that witch Squirrelflight hides the parentage of the three from him, even when Blackstar and Leopardstar were still around after being complicit in the torture and killing of halfclan cats.) Why are these male characters sympathized with, even when they actively harm people (Nightheart forcing himself into Sunbeam's life by lying to everyone about being her mate without even asking her if she would be fine with that beforehand), Bramblestar (we all know what he does), but when Dovewing or any other female character is upset, people freak out and call them whiny brats or abusive for (checks notes) asking her partner if he loves her anymore after they argued multiple times in a book. Really makes you think! (Sorry this is so long, you just have based opinions!)

dovewing being characterized as this flighty airheaded vain popular girl stereotype in fanon is like. one of those biggest "we didnt actually read the books" things in the fandom. like theres so much fanart where shes grinning and giggling over the prophecy and shes besties with the trio and shes got preferential treatment, and then in the actual books shes basically the autistic kid no one actually likes. people really, REALLY overexaggerate that one scene where she snaps at ivypaw and brags. (and i dont wanna shit on amvs but i am forever side eying how the animation community handled dove back in the day. more than one person animated her getting murdered. normal.)

i do think its gotten better recently at least. but wow does it feel like at least one person on the writing team has a bone to pick

(also awww thank you <3 no need to be sorry i love getting stuff in my inbox)

#it does also feel so insidious to me just how long the bramblesquirrel conflict was painted as ''equally kind of wrong'' #the ppl who put words in squilfs mouth sometimes which. btw ill get to that when i read the book #and tbf part of it is that sometimes abuse isnt as easy to spot if youre primed to the mainstream version of it #like. bramble isnt a born evil wifebeater everyone can see coming from a mile away. hes a complex guy with his own insecurities #and his own goals and people he openly cares about. and even in some fanon stuff i see ppl kinda erase that part of him #(which i wont pretend im above- ive been trying to walk that line myself) #and that doesnt match how abusers are usually percieved by the public. or in this very series. #like. the main excuse for clear sky is literally ''hes sad his sister died and tried to save her! no one changes THAT much'' #anyone can be an abuser. you could be an abuser. i could be an abuser. that doesnt mean that we ARE but we are capable of it #and the thing that catches ppl off guard is that abusers are really good at hiding who they are and theyre often charming #i often hear this account of abuse that goes something like ''my parent abused me but no one believed me bc theyre nice in public'' #you dont know whats going on behind closed doors. and ik this is about funny kitties at the end of the day but its quite telling #so... yeah bramble has his nice moments. hes got his GREAT moments even. i love his relationship with his mom for example #but those moments dont mean that hes not capable of being worse. of being a monster to his loved ones #its why squilf keeps getting sucked back in. hes not a one dimensional asshole. hes capable of being kind to her. #and thats what makes his disgusting moments hit so much harder #wow ok i got off topic in the tags but yknow. idk i got feelings abt this matter as someone who's experienced toxic relationships

[skrunksthatwunk]

found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now #sigh.. i dont know. i dont know. #at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him #no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow? #it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my #best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker. #i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time. #but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh #he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him. #im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to #say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more? #just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am #and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him #and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him. #she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on. #she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken #but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him #and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not #like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him? #so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her #and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all #the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess #like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea. #but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.

[youngyoo-apologist]

Writing fanfic with like 90% of the plot already planned is so funny but also so painful because every time there’s a mystery I purposefully put into the story as something that will be foreshadowed to revealed and revealed later in just praying people don’t think its a plot hole.

Like for example, the timeline OG Cale and Choi Han living in being different from TBoaH with some similarities. (The major differences being that Lily Henituse is alive, and while the rest of the continent took a pretty hard hit with the war, the Roan Kingdom managed to rebuild some of itself later in the war) , this one is so important because like, things aren’t supposed to be that way! I didn’t change canon for no reason! That happened for a reason! Guys! I swear!

Same thing with like KRS and OG Cale being able to hear eachother since they were young through their dreams, like that also has a reasoning behind it I promiseeee guys I swear😭😭 it’s like my biggest irrational fear that people will think that I’m just doing these things with nothing to back them up even though I know I shouldn’t rlly think abt it too much and just write the story like I intended 😭😭

I feel like a part of writing fanfic, especially LCF fanfic that makes me so nervous is the fact that canon is already and established and really well written universe. If things change, I feel like I need to make it OBVIOUS that they changed on purpose and not cause I’m changing things for the sake of changing them.

Sometimes I re read older chapters and go “wow, the delivery of this line sucked! I should re-write that slightly” because I’ve gotten better at phrasing things but WHAT IF ITS TOO LATEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 when I don’t have a limited vocabulary anymore it’s going to be the day I write something real good

Like I’m reading the early chaoters of [In the Borderline] and it’s like, FUCK some of these things just look like a dues ex machina even though they have reasons behind them.

I think a huge part of it is because of the wording, and how sudden everything is, I should have emphasized the characters confusion to these things to as a way to show that yes, things are off, BUT I DIDNT BECAUSE WHEN I WAS WRITING I FORGOT TO PROOF READ 😭😭😭😭 AND NOW ITS TOO LATEEE

Idk I’m just saying stuff at this point, but I guess my point is for a story like lcf, I want my fanfic to be something good becauee I really love lcf. I want to be able to write a story that shows how much I love the characters and things I want to see happening, but without erasing importance of characters or anything from TCF because I firmly believe that KRS is important no matter what.

There are things I will never change, like KRS being the one to name Raon, KRS being the children averaging whatever years old’s father, KRS having the silver shield(cause I think that’s like THE ancient power that represents him, that and Vitality of the Heart)

In a regression fic like [In the Borderline], where the time line has diverged so much, and in general is a fic that plays the long game when it comes to plot points, I just want it to be clear that everything happens for a reason and that I’ll never change KRS’s importance to the story, cause in that fic, OG Cale and KRS are both so important.

Choi Han too but he’s like, supposed to be cool and mysterious rn I can’t reveal too much abt him and TBoaH and why the world Cale and Choi Han lived in has so many differences from TboaH novel

#rambling #im just talking abt thoughts and feelings I have while writing my fic #and like my woes as a author #I know I shouldn’t care too much #but I just think abt it yknow #cause like I don’t play abt series I like #I love tcf #and I love KRS #and I love OG Cale #and I love Choi Han #and I love all the tcf characters except the ones I dont love #KRS is such an important character to me and I’m so worried that it’s going to come off as him not being as important as OG Cale #when that’s so not the case #it’s just taking so long to get to the cataclysm because the story starts off when the regression goes back to Cale and KRS being 14 #instead of 18 like it is in canon #WHICH ALSO HAPPENS FOR A REASON BTW #I should draw KRS #I miss him #sometimes he stresses me out and makes me feel like I’m going to cough out blood and grow gray hairs #because he never tells anyone anything #LIKE HIS HEALONG POWER #KIM ROKSOO PLEASE TELL SOMEONE ABOUT VITALITY OF THE HEART IM ACTUALLY LOSING IT #but I still love him #he’s such a good character #he’s also very hard to write and every day I hope I’m not making him ooc #on accident

[1o1percentmilk]

i love looking at people's aesthetic tags because theres usually some sort of theme going on

#moodboard is the one most important tag on my acc bc thats the one i like looking at again and again #milk (normal) #i feel very alienated from the world and people most of the time and i don't think anyone or anything can change that #but im also getting better at feeling at peace with it and accepting that i don't really belong being okay with that is important to me #so i like brutalist buildings and things that are overtly like hey you don't belong and im like *nods* i know but i am just visiting #i am just peeking my head in and i will be on my way in a bit but you are gorgeous i love how you hate me #i know this sounds very depressing and it is sometimes but its also kind of freeing in a way to give up yknow and not have to try #-to force extroversion or to try and fake emotions and caring that isn't there and just sorta exist in an area #where im not being held to human standards and scrutiny #idk i am very apathetic about stuff in general it's been this way since i was a baby and ive decided to start embracing it instead of #-thinking of it as a moral or social failing that i have to correct #anyways thats a whole essay hope u guys get what i mean. #yeah im doing alright

[stabbylambchop]

Hey uh

anyone here on Art Fight this year or-

Cuz I'm on there, same name and everything. I'm on Team Vampires.

You can like, add me or whatever...I mean, if you want...

I haven't interacted with anyone on here or even really drawn in a couple months, sweet pulsating spider-christ ...

#I KNOW I KNOW I CAN JUST. DO THE THING. BUT I ALSO CAN'T. YKNOW???? #I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY MIND HAS BEEN I DON'T #I'M STILL STRUGGLING WITH HEALTH Y'ALL #and sometimes instead of bouncing back and forth from feeling stable enough to do things and absolute dog shit i just- #-'welp i guess I'll just not do anything! that'll solve all of my problems! I'll get better if i don't do things and just rest and space out #-'WOW I CAN JUST BE ISOLATED AND PATHETIC IN MY ROOM ALL DAY COOL' #like...I EVEN GOT MY PAIN MEDS BACK! AND I QUALIFIED FOR A HIGHER DOSE WHICH IS A MIRACLE BC THIS IS FLORIDA!! #but like. idk. #and it's not like i don't care at all!!! I've missed you guys like fuck!!!! i just feel like I'm so far behind and everyone is on another- #-plane of existence at this point! and the longer it goes the more guilty i feel coming back bc i feel ashamed and lazy... #but i know you guys don't give a shit about at all. and I'm sorry for assuming and being so hard on myself #but also my fandoms are all over the place rn so uh. I'm so sorry LOL #but seriously anyone on art fight?? i really need to get back drawing but it's daunting... #especially since my guess 2 or 3 years were kickass by the last 2 literally no one but my wife interacted with me #one friendly fire from my partner. in two fights. after putting HOURS OF EFFORT THRU CHRONIC PAIN AND ILLNESS into all of those pieces... #i know I didn't draw a fuckton but i just got so discouraged and sad after awhile. and some never even got any attackee comments. #it all felt so damn pointless #but I'm nothing if not a survivor #as Zapp Brannigan once said; 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised' #I'm a hot fuckin mess but even if i barely get any interaction at all again i can at least say i didn't give up- #and put in effort and love like always. no half-assing with art fight unless it's just me and my wife or a friend doin stupid friendly fires #BUT ANYWAY I STILL WANNA FUCK SLASHERS. IF ANYTHING THERE'S STILL THAT. IT'S STILL ME.

[pissfizz]

Very frustrated!!!

#still thinking about that irl like. god. i love you but this is Plaguing me #like. people don’t owe you their medical diagnosis for you to decide whether them being unhygienic is valid or not. especially when you - #-have the same problems. you shouldn’t shit talk people and say you hate people who don’t take care of themselves when you don’t know - #-anything about them. there’s millions of reasons for that you don’t know!! it makes me so uncomfortable that they’re so judgy about this #things like this always happen. and they can be so opinionated about everything but the second I try and imply that that’s wrong or just - #-plain rude of them they get so mad and I hate it. why do you get to have these opinions on people but I can’t have any? #idk they’re like a strange hybrid of very liberal but also very white mom in their values. which confuses me and makes me very frustrated #idk!! idk. i love them a lot they’re one of my best friends ever but it is so uncomfortable sometimes. #it feels like they’re allowed to be opinionated and have a ton of personal issues and things to accommodate but I’m Not even if they say #like yknow what I mean?? #idk I have a lot of thoughts and frustrations rn #vent

[dreamcast-official]

hm.

#eli.txt #i think the reason i feel so shit over The Whole Deal is like. god. i just miss talking to them. #sometimes it felt like they were the only person who cared about what i had to say. they were the easiest person to talk to in my life. #and like. basically overnight. they were so distant for what i thought was no reason. and they did not care about me anymore. #i know they were justified in acting that way and its not like they suddenly hate me and dont care about me but god. #thats what it feels like. thats what it fucking feels like!!!! #i didnt just lose my boyfriend i lost one of my best friends and it fucking sucks. it feels like no one is going to put up with me anymore. #idk i dont feel nearly as comfortable talking to Anyone anymore. because when am i gonna know i made a mistake. #how am i gonna know i made a mistake and they suddenly think i hate them and it leads to something like this. how am i gonna know. #and like!! it looks To Me like their life got so much better without me being an active part of it. and i feel like i have just gotten worse #AND THEY WONT FUCKING TALK TO ME! I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION AND THEY DONT TALK TO ME! AND LIKE. #I KNOW I FUCKED UP BUT IM FUCKING TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LET ME TRY. TALK TO ME. I MISS YOU. #I LOVE YOU. NOT IN THAT SENSE ANYMORE BUT I STILL CARE FOR YOU. YOURE MY FRIEND. FUCKING TALK TO ME. #I KNOW NO AMOUNT OF SAYING IM SORRY CAN FIX IT BUT IM TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT. PLEASE JUST DONT IGNORE ME LIKE THAT. #god i just feel like maybe i meant nothing. maybe theyve just already moved on entirely and i was never anything. #maybe im the only one who still hurts. yknow. i dont think they care about me anymore. #which i could fucking deal with if they just said that instead of flat out ignoring me. #god i just feel like shit. what if i keep fucking up the same way what if i lose everyone the same way and in the end im alone. #i would probably deserve it. if i keep messing up this bad maybe i deserve to be alone. #i know thats not true. but i feel really bad right now. im not thinking. #no one is going to put up with me the way they did. they already dont. #god. im so tired. i wish they would fucking talk to me.

[pettyprocrastination]

is it bad if i am incredibly happy for my mom and her boyfriend but I also kinda. dont want to meet him yet?

#tj talks #let me preface this by saying i am. overjoyed she has somebody she feels so happy with #it genuinely puts a lot of my nerves at ease because she deserves somebody who makes her feel loved and cared for in a romantic sense #but the guy is also like. kinda of a lot and a bit forward #and talks about wanting to take care of us and be a family and its only been two months so its like. a bit overwhelming for me? #i think its just because im. twenty one so i dont really need a dad figure in my life but she keeps kinda hinting at him becoming that #which i dont think shes doing on purpose honestly shes just very happy and im happy for her #but hes just a very forward and fast moving guy from all the phone convos ive heard #idk. sometimes I feel like im the only one who has been affected by the ones from the past and it makes me feel weird/bad for being cautious #but. yknow #i think im also just. somebody who struggles with social events/interactions a lot to begin with

[haemosexuality]

these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone

#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably #bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice #and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me #bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to #did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others? #no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really #likeable. so ill take what i can get #when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start. #treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember #this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend #will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and #now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen #years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow? #when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her #to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all #and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things #and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk #to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl #because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant #connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just #not have anyone forever #i guess #especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks #Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the #gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl #and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively #and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday- #anyways. certified magnus archives moment

[tianhai03]

hey everyone. im not here to post art right now, i just have something on my mind that i kinda wanna ramble about, which i’ll put under a read more below bc its really long lol. i know this is kinda sudden but i promise its nothing serious. stick around if you’re somehow interested in listening to my ramblings, if not then thank you for reading this anyway, and thanks for all your continuous support :)

i cant remember the reason why anymore, but a couple minutes ago i felt like going through all the blogs ive followed on here. i only follow like 276 blogs if i remember correctly, it’s not much considering how i’ve been here since 2015. i probably felt like looking through it because i was reminded of an artist i follow here and i wanted to see if they’ve updated anything, i have no clue lol.

anyways i looked through the list, and i found a lot of artists ive followed since my early days in 2015, when i first started posting art. some i still remember fondly, some i have vague memories of, and others... i just dont recognize anymore. the only thing im sure of is that they were all artists i looked up to very much, artists who have also definitely motivated me to keep drawing just so i can be as good as them someday. im confident enough to say that ive gotten close to a lot of their levels already, and i am now very comfortable with drawing in a style that is uniquely my own. i have all these artists to thank for that.

but... another thing ive also realized is, most of them arent posting anymore. some have already stopped before i myself stopped tumblr briefly in around 2019, but a lot of them stopped at that exact same year. it makes me kinda sad, i remember looking forward to these artists’ drawings often, but a lot of them just kinda dipped out of existence 3 years ago, without other social medias that i can check to make sure theyre still around. it made me think about how hellish every year has been starting from 2019, it mightve only been 3 years but it sure felt like its been a decade. all i can do right now is hope that they’re still okay, somewhere in the world, still safe and still doing whatever they love.

and on the same note, i hope every single person who is still following me, who still constantly come up to this crumbling website, maybe even look forward to me posting my art; i hope you guys are doing well too. i know there are a lot of people who were from my old 2018 dmc days (since i came back to the fandom just half a year ago and a lot of people started checking up on me again), some of you guys were probably even from my earliest 2016 undertale days; whether you followed me 6 years ago or just today, i want to thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart, for always giving me kind support on the things i do. i am not joking when i said i wont be here right now if it werent for you guys. thank you so, so much.

#guess i just felt like getting sappy today. #im sorry if this makes anyone anxious; i promise i am totally okay and nothing bad is happening to me #it's just... sometimes you look back on your life to remember the things you've done that led to the life you have today #ive been doing that a lot lately. and i just wanted to talk about what ive thought about #i actually feel a lot better thinking about things like this. it reminds me of the reason why i started drawing in the first place #with how things have been lately especially with my own uni life; it gets so frustrating its very easy to forget why i liked drawing so much #but im not gonna forget about it now; even if i stop drawing someday i'll forever hold on to these memories #i probably sound like a broken record now but; genuinely; thanks for everything i really do appreciate it #allyrambles #long post #if youve read till here #through this long ass post ive been writing for over 30 minutes now #do me a favour and talk to a long time friend you have that you havent talked to in a while #yknow the ones. you were super close but then you just slowly stopped talking to each other? even though nothing bad happened? #do me a favour and just shoot them a message. a short one will do #even a little 'hey we havent talked in a while; just wanted to check up on you and make sure youre still okay' is enough #times are tough right now. it has been for the past 2 years for everyone #if you can do it; im sure it will brighten someone's day up; to know that theres someone out there who still cares #someone will appreciate the kindness #im gonna go now. this post has gotten way longer than i expected and its almost time for bed #i hope everyone has a decent day :) thanks again for reading #hopefully i dont regret this someday lol

[zllyhoo]

tbh 90% of the reason i made this blog is cause i'm unhappy w/ my art as-is and i really want to force myself to get out of my comfort zone, but for some reason i can't do that to my ocs??? like every picture of my ocs has to be Perfect or else i won't upload it to toyhouse.

so instead i am here. posting homestuck.

#john rambles #i'm way less picky with this for some reason #and i think thats because homestuck art can be ltierally anything #i don't HAVE to be perfect because it doesn't MATTER because its just this art i'm putting passion into #all my ocs feel more like illustrations sometimes than characters? like i have to draw them The Same. and Perfect. every time #so... maybe a homestuck sideblog to shit around on and draw art that makes me happy without having to fuss is what i need yknow #not to get emotional on here but i just. ogghgh... i care about this comic. i care about these characters. they have done so so much for me #and i'm just asking them one last time to help me get better with my own things

[bi-demon-ium]

just a vent dont mind me

thinking about like. you know like. when you do a lot for someone you love, or just in general, like, you put in a lot of effort into something, into helping someone or making them happy, and like. you do it because you love them, or because you care about them, or just because you want to help, or because it's right, or because you just like making people happy. and that's great, that's fine, like. you really aren't doing it for something. like you don't expect anything back. they certainly don't owe you anything, they didn't ask for it, and you wanted to do it, and you'd do it again. will do it again. but sometimes it kind of--like. unfairly, selfishly, it kind of hurts that no one does the same for you. like. it feels like maybe you're not worth it. and that's silly, like. you didn't do it so that they'd do something for you, and you offered, you did it without being asked, you did it because you wanted to, and that's--that's fine. they don't owe you anything. no one owes you anything. it's petty to think i did this for you, why can't you do this for me? it's selfish. and that's fine. like. it's fine. like. it's not that you want to stop doing nice things--even if the petty thought occurs to you, the second it actually comes time, you'll immediately give in because you want them to be happy, you like doing nice things, even at cost of your preciously rare time and energy, and that's okay! they don't ask--or maybe they do, but they fully would take no for an answer and not be upset about it, and you know it's your choice--you just do it because you want to. but is it so selfish to just. wish someone would want to for you, for once? without being asked? to want to be the one taken care of? to be the one someone cooks for just because, or takes care of when you're sick, or someone goes out of their way to watch something with you even if they're not interested, or like. just. anything. anything like that. just because it's you, or just because they can, and it's nice. is that so bad. why does it always feel like you put more in than they do. why do you feel bad about it when they didn't ask you to, you're the one putting that in, and they don't owe you something equal just because you decided to go overboard. like. it's just. being too much, i guess. wanting too much. i dunno. might cry a bit.

......anyway, [bill wurtz voice] you could make a blorbo fanfic out of this

yes, yes. projecting onto blorbos. That Will Fix Me.

so if you see some extremely specific angst fic from me later, [rainbow star goes across the screen] Now You Know

#this is mostly about one specific person but she doesn't even have a tumblr so it's not like she'll see this. well maybe a few people but #no one who has my tumblr. but also just in general i think i just. i dont know sometimes i think i pour too much of myself into everything #i like. Feel Too Deeply. #care too much? maybe? and then feel selfish when i feel bad it isn't necessarily returned with the same level of intensity? #i don't know that makes it sound like it's everyone and it's not #but just like. it's a pattern #not with everyone i've ever met/befriended or anything but like. with more than one person ive cared really deeply about #but how much of that is real and how much of it is my warped perceptions? thrown off by self esteem issues and self centeredness? #i so easily misunderstand things. or do i? maybe im jsut really easy to manipulate? or both? although manipulate implies its on purpose #i dont think it is #but i guess i wouldnt know #im a little too stupid for that #i dont know .ignore me #vent #man my mommy issues are out of hand #delete later #probably #yknow i dont remember al ot of my childhood but surely she did like. hug me sometimes right? like take care ofme when i was sick? i know #that dad did but like. it's not like she's actually terrible at parenting and she likes young kids and it was pre-losing my dad so like #probably??? right???? i just dont remember??? #oh no my hands are shaking thats not good #god 'cares too much' this makes me sound like some kind of saint or something. not what i mean. just like. ugh i dont know #its. its annoying.

[fuyuesu]

why did i have the most delayed reaction to a heartbreaking event in my life ever

#despot vents #i cut off my best friends 2 months ago #and back then i was fine #but now suddenly 2 months later its like theyre all i can think about #i think im going crazy #i can't stop loving them i physically can't. but i will never be loved back bc i tried to make sure they hated me before i left #im in love w self sabotage 😎 #i know they hurt me i know i cant trust them again . but if i could go back in time and change one thing #i would make sure things didnt end the way they did #preferably id communicate rather than just dipping and hoping theyd hate me too much to care #(...and then feeling pain bc of the thought of them actually hating me . love my contradictory brain) #or yknow. preferably id make sure things never ended at all #sometimes i think it might be better if i were alone #like if nobody had to put up w whatever i have going on and i didnt have any friendships to ruin . thatd be a win win situation i think #sorry for being depressing ^_^ im going to go play video game now

[hickoryhorneddevils]

actually one of the best things i have ever done for myself is decide to learn how to sit in the fact that other people will do kind things for me even if it's burdensome or hard to unexpected and i don't have to 'earn' it or 'make up' for it

#sometimes i don't know how to like. accept the kindness or collaboration or help without feeling Weird and like. im gonna let them down #like. idk im just still thinking about how earlier a faculty member (metal studio manager) who isnt even technically my professor #was like. you need to make a new ring sorry. this ones fucked (kindly) here have the silver for it. from his own personal stash and like #its not cheap. its not bank breaking but its not cheap either and he really didnt have to do that but he CARES and hes always willing 2 hel #me with my projects. all my professors too are so fucking helpful and kind and wahhhh #but like. allowing myself to just be like yeah. its not about Deserving this or Failing its about trying and being a member of a community #and being grateful and also giving back #yknow? #like we all want the best for each other and we do what we can for each other and the world is so full of kind people. everyday #wah. okay sorry emotional essay over #.txt

[hoshbrownie]

neg in tags

#i have always done this i'm always back to the tumblrs to fight my demons in the tags #i regret my major soooo badly #but what else would i do otherwise? #i'm sorry to all the ppl who hate ppl going into cs bc of money bc yes that is me but i really didn't know what elese to do yknow #i really wish that i had more approachable cs friends #i hate feeling like a burden but that's all i do academically #like i think i got much much better social skills wise and i met a lot of good friends who appreciate me for who i am #(but even then i'm afraid that i'll annoy them or not show them enough love and they'll leave me) #but academics wise??? i feel horrid #i need to work harder but i have such an aversion to failure i sometimes get nauseous thinking about doing work #LOL fml i need to fail!! i need to try!! to get better #but it's genuinely so difficult #it's july already i'm gonna go into my second year soon #i wish time would pass by slower #i'm tired of this damn project i really wish i had paired up with someone who actually wanted to do well #but noooo i choose someone who doesn't care and i have to carry this damn thing #but i am so tired and there's no one to drag me across the finish line #and i finally got a taste of freedom and happiness when i was living on campus and now that i'm back home i'm back to being so tired #there's no need to fight demons if i keep running #rambles