#but what else would i do otherwise?

[hoshbrownie]

neg in tags

#i have always done this i'm always back to the tumblrs to fight my demons in the tags #i regret my major soooo badly #but what else would i do otherwise? #i'm sorry to all the ppl who hate ppl going into cs bc of money bc yes that is me but i really didn't know what elese to do yknow #i really wish that i had more approachable cs friends #i hate feeling like a burden but that's all i do academically #like i think i got much much better social skills wise and i met a lot of good friends who appreciate me for who i am #(but even then i'm afraid that i'll annoy them or not show them enough love and they'll leave me) #but academics wise??? i feel horrid #i need to work harder but i have such an aversion to failure i sometimes get nauseous thinking about doing work #LOL fml i need to fail!! i need to try!! to get better #but it's genuinely so difficult #it's july already i'm gonna go into my second year soon #i wish time would pass by slower #i'm tired of this damn project i really wish i had paired up with someone who actually wanted to do well #but noooo i choose someone who doesn't care and i have to carry this damn thing #but i am so tired and there's no one to drag me across the finish line #and i finally got a taste of freedom and happiness when i was living on campus and now that i'm back home i'm back to being so tired #there's no need to fight demons if i keep running #rambles

[glo-shroom]

yes & no by Natalie Wee | Trigun Ultimate Overhaul

#THIS HAS BEEN COOKING. FOR TWO MONTHS #trigun #vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d. wolfwood #vash #wolfwood #trigun maximum #mine #edit #trimax #trigun edit #tw suicide mention #for that one line #and #tw blood #hopefully there's nothing else I'm forgetting #long post #i guess #pls feel free to critique me on the alt texts I've never done it before and would love to know what I can do better #but uhhh yeah otherwise. enjoy my baby. I'm very proud of this #I do however need to not look at it for a while now #so aside from the IDs if there are mistakes. no there aren't <3 #AND THANKS TO MY QPP EEE FOR LISTENING TO ME ENDLESSLY WORK ON THIS AND OFFERING ME INPUT AND CRITIGUE!!! <3333 #god. it's finally done #edit: btw I could write so much on my choices in this and what I'm going for and little details. but I leave it to the masses to interpret

[aalghul]

THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS. THANK YOU.

#i do not think that steph would tell jason he’s fucking up just based on what bruce and the other bats said #or think. because they’ve been telling her she’s a fuck up since day one even when she was better than them #but otherwise. my dreams came true guys. bffs. besties. #also I love how she just looks all classic spoiler in that first panel. she’s just a billowing cape nothing else #jason todd #stephanie brown

[shorlinesorrows]

qpr jean and neil. that's all i'm gonna say.

do you see my vision?

#i might add onto this later but right now I'm too busy crying #“misplaced forever partner” ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT DESTROYED ME #neil ordering a hit to keep jean safe changed my brain chemistry #i need them to be friends #i need them to call each other and gossip and send each other stupid memes that only they understand #i need them to slowly grow closer as they heal until one day they can finish each other's sentences #and they ocassionally make super dark jokes about their trauma out of the blue (they bet on how people will react competitively) #i need them to call each other derogatory names but get Super Upset whenever anyone else talks shit about the other and offer to kill them #and i would love them to reclaim the spots next to each other that riko set #and make them their own #they're not partners on the court but they sure as hell are partners in life #the mcs ever #at one point andrew and jeremy are just looking at each other across a table at a restaurant as these two bicker #and realize they have somehow both become the Third Wheel despite the fact that 1) there's four of them and 2) jean and neil aren't dating #the amount of queer platonic pining i could fit in these traumatized people #the: “i'm lowkey obsessed with you but I Really don't like you romantically and I don't know what to do with it” #and the: “oh thank hell me too i thought i was even weirder than i already am. wanna go harass the fbi with me?" #jeremy and andrew watch this trainwreck both exasperatedly and proudly you can't convince me otherwise #cannot convince me that these four won't somehow end up living in each others pockets even if they live 1000 miles away #kevin pops in frequently as his usual wonderful diva self #anyway i'm going insane how yall doing #neil josten #jean moreau #all for the game #the sunshine court

[somecunttookmyurl]

all the while society conflates "being an adult" with "having a proper job" and "having money to make arbitrary Adult Purchases" disabled people who can't work - or can only work part time or can only do entry level baby jobs - will never be 'allowed' to be adults

you can say "being an adult is looking after yourself you don't have to have a job!!!" all you want but most people who say that will still assume anybody who doesn't either can't or won't 'look after themselves' actually. and every 'marker' of 'adulthood' that's observable and thus actually counts or whatever loops back around to... having a job and 'contributing' something

#yeah i have netflix on all day #i am quite literally signed off of work for the -rest of my life- #what the fuck else would you like me to do with my time when most people are in fact at work #or did you think i can't have the tv on and put laundry away at the same time or something #must i work on commissions on silence in a dour room to be perceived as an adult #anyway 'looking after yourself/your home/your pet' is not observable #to anybody who doesn't like ACTUALLY live in your house #unless you are extremely obviously NOT doing it #if a tree falls in a forest etc #owning a house? job. like not even 'in this economy? lol' #disabled people LITERALLY can't because we aren't allowed to have enough savings for a deposit #car? would you honestly trust me with a vehicle lol but also: job #you mostly cannot buy a car without one it's a requirement for the lease #otherwise you aren't 'trusted' to pay it on time #incidentally most landlords will also - perfectly legally - refuse to rent to you because you are going to be unreliable with the rent #which is being paid directly by the gov anyway like take your trust issues up with them bro #a family? if i get married or cohabit with a partner my income gets sliced in half #so to support even myself let alone a child would require. drumroll please. employment #savings? adults have savings right? yeah but unlike you i have a gov enforced cap on mine #'good furniture not shit from ikea' (someone has remarked that ikea furniture is 'college dorm-y' it's going here) #i mean do i have to say it

[ceoofhelaegon]

Aegon sends this to Dragonstone after B&C

If be war you seek, send the full weight of your army and dragons.

For a lone, cowardly assassin will not topple this King Aegon second of his name that you so underestimate.

(he is distraught but he wants revenge and no matter how, he will get it...for his son, for his wife, and for himself)

#aegon ii targaryen #taken from the film the king #i rewatched my post about it #and i just imagine aegon doing this #otto advising him against it #but he will do it #maybe he would even say #ask helaena what she thinks #and otto and everyone else would just fall silent #and he would say #only the mother of my son would convince me otherwise #she wouldn't #but it made his point across

[skunkes]

the way I've been raised has shown itself in a recent awful experience I had and the realization won't leave me because I'm not sure what to do about it.

I don't like feeling anger/upset and it's rare for me to feel it anyway but it's led to me being unable to tell what's worth getting upset over anymore. If my wants upset somebody, then, well, maybe I shouldn't have them? What is so serious that I need it to go completely my way...? What desires am I allowed to have. It's not that serious, it's okay if not, you can't always get what you want....

every time I feel Upset I am later wracked with guilt because it wasn't a big deal and I was just being selfish... What IS a big deal then? How can I tell? Its admittedly never a big deal... But I keep being upset. And stepped on....

#talkys #this is what led to me Staying for as long as i did #there would be issues but if I brought them up i wld then be made to feel guilty for feeling that way #but i cant reverse that bc well!! its true like is it really a big deal? life isnt that serious I dont need to get upset... #i get upset at something my parents do and in the end i feel ungrateful and selfish #i really cant tell anymore which is why i Stayed as mentioned above #in the sense of well yeah the way im being treated doesnt make me feel good but why do i need to feel good? #isnt that selfish...isnt that asking too much...isnt that making yourself out to be Better Than... #i really dont know. i get so ready to give up my position on anything because I dont want to be selfish #and because im no better than anyone else #my mom caused some drama on my birthday wrt my sister's family and it led to me not being able to go to the duck #pond on my birthday... which is the only thing i really wanted to do on an otherwise uneventful day #i was meant to feel shame abt it because well we can always go any other day!!! relax!!! #and it is true....! #we can go any other day why did i get upset? its not that serious...nothing is that serious...i feel so guilty + spoiled + selfish #i just felt humiliated for wanting to go in the first place. and for getting upset that we couldnt go. like a toddler. #*not that i actually get Toddler Level upset...but it always Feels like i did...ykwim #i just dont understand......idk if i can Repair this....

[moongothic]

Crocodile having such an explosive debut in his early 20s and such deep trust issues could also point to him having an even EARLIER start a la Shanks as an apprentice or something to an older pirate and their crew as a child/teenager — doubling down on the humiliation factor from facing off whitebeard as also a failure to “come of age” and broader sense of betrayal in watching eager encouragement fickly turn to “what did you THINK would happen”s like the kid who gets egged on by their peers into doing something dangerous and then immediately abandoned when they hurt themselves

Can't say if he did have like an early start for sure, since we really don't know anything about Crocodile's early childhood

But simply considdering how Oda typically layers backstories, I absolutely agree, I do think it's more than likely he has somekind of pre-Whitebeard trauma, be it either unrelated childhood trauma or early-pirating-life trauma (or something else)

Like the way Oda structures backstories, although we always remember like The Big Life-Changing Tragedy that happens at the end of the flashback, more often than not the flashback already begins with something horrible to indicate the character's already had a rough life

Robin was already alone, abused and rejected by most of Ohara even before the Buster Call Incident (followed by a life of running in fear for decades)

Franky had already been abandoned by his family before he lost Tom and got ran over by a train

Law had already lost his entire family before Doffy killed Rosi

Etc etc. Like not all the flashbacks are entirely like this, especially the East Blue-saga ones, but the backstories have been growing in complexity and structure, adding layers to the tragedies (like 🧅 onions 🧅) as the story has gone on

And with Kuma, his backstory doesn't end at two layers of tragedy. Like there's the early childhood tragedy of slavery, then there's the tragedy of losing his loved one in the most cruel, inhumane way possible, and we know there's at least one more gut-punch of a tragedy coming in the next two chapters to finish it all off

So with Crocodile especially I feel like... Like yes, possibly getting betrayed once in his life and having his dreams crushed by Whitebeard could break the man's psyche. But considdering just how seemingly broken his psyche might be, I do absolutely believe there's more layers here. Like his trust must've been broken more than once for him to end up the way he has.

Which alone gives Crocodad a bit more plausibility in my mind, because being rejected by the person you loved and trusted the most would most certainly break your heart (even if it was understandable why). And that really would make for a fine Final Nail on the Coffin for Crocodile's ability to have faith in others

But to really get that broken trust to be an on-going theme in his life that just happens again and again.... yeah it needs to start earlier

Personally, I think some kind of early childhood trauma would make the most sense, at least to me, not just because it could help Crocodile get started "on the wrong foot", but also because Rough Childhoods is just. A General Theme in One Piece lmao. Of course, it wouldn't be The Key Life-Changing Tragedy (I think Dragon would be that), just a "bad start"

#Moon posting #OP Meta #OP Spoilers #Sir Crocodile #Crocodad #Honestly this is kind of why I ended up becoming fond of the ''Croc is 1/4th merman'' idea #'Cause it really would like. Lay the basic groundwork for what's to come without it being like. IDK too much? #IDK I wrote a whole separate post about that not gonna go over the whole thing again #Other and one more plausible option was that he was just a really queer kid from the start and was bullied to hell and back for it #Dude just wanted to play pirates with the boys and kiss girls and everyone thought he was weird for it because he was a ''girl'' #And somehow being called that stung but for reasons he couldn't understand (if Crocodad Real then he didn't Figure It Out until 27) #((Crocodile just seems bisexual as hell to me leave me be)) #((I'm entitled to my unfounded bullshit headcanons until Oda gives us canon)) #Alternatively if Crocodile WAS Xebec's kid then knowing his dad got ditched by Whitebeard and co would definitely leave An Impression #Especially if he ended up stranded and alone after God Valley #(...Unless... Whitebeard adopted him??? Which would be a very Whitebeard-y thing to do???????????) #((IDK I'm not into the Xebec theory)) ((It's plausible but it just doesn't spark joy for me)) #((IDK I would prefer if he just kind of had a ''chill'' childhood kind of like the ASL bros had)) ((Just far lonelier)) #((Especially since loneliness is such a key factor in so many characters and why they are the way they are)) #((It's just that everyone else was able to find companionship somewhere eventually (be it thru Luffy or otherwise) but Croc didn't)) #There's so many options and ideas on what could've happened we could stay here all day #Regardless of what it is- I'm sure Something Happened. Just gotta wait for Oda to tell us what #Asks

[lovelaceisntdead]

should I get a ticket to a book signing on thursday.

#or is that a bad idea. #i feel like i need to get out and do something before i. yes. #but idk if I'm well enough :/ #maybeeeee if i can get my dad to drive me so i don't have to get the train but that is a big maybe #it's like a whole evening thing but the vibes sound fairly lowkey so i don't think it would be too much #idk I've been struggling a lot with not being able to do things lately so. idk! #and I'd be going on my own which i don't mind but it is always that bit harder not having someone there in case i need help #i liked the author's first book well enough and there will probably be many gay people there so it might be nice to try and meet some peopl #idk!! i know i need to do things and have things to look forward to because otherwise. the demons. but it's so hard to balance when my body #is not on the same page #I've decided i will go and see lisa frankenstein when it's out and maybe also drive away dolls #so if nothing else i have my few times a year cinema trip to look forward to so maybe that will make me not want to kill myself for a bit. #sorry for vent essay i have been very much struggling to feel human recently. microdosing interacting with people. #being online is still making my brain feel strange so. idk what's up with that.

[mamawasatesttube]

thinking about putting bart in a time loop...

#the day ends with kon dying. again. and bart is having a terrible time trying to prevent it #doesn't even know How he triggered the loop but he can't get out of it until he saves kon #it's fine he's fine it's like a video game see. you fail the level you just get a game over screen and try again #it's not real it doesn't count that's not the real run! so it's fine! he'll try again! #and having kon die in his arms 10 times in a row doesn't take any toll on him at all! it's fine!!! #but also bart saying guys i need help. kon's gonna die tonight otherwise and i don't know what to do #and tim and cassie are immediately on red alert ready to fucking go. they know bart would Not joke about that #kon himself is like haha what. haha what??? haha #haha... what... why is no one else laughing... #tim meanwhile just whips out this comically large binder with at least 50 colorful tabs and sticky notes poking out like #okay bart what's the situation. hmm alien artifact involved okay let me flip to section g... yes of course i have contingencies for this #it was only ever a matter of time until you got stuck in a time loop. you're a speedster with so much chaotic potential. #of course i saw this coming. okay so sunset in metropolis is at 7:31 pm tonight hmhm ok subsection 5.9... #bart: .................of course you have a binder. of course #(he says this while koala clinging to kon btw. he's fine though. it's fine. it's not real and it isn't sticking so he's not traumatized!) #kon #tim #bart #rimi talks

[conspiring-limabean]

im sure the default norm for things like erotic horror is for people to interpret it as turning horror into something erotic but my sex-repulsed ass just sees the horror aspect and i think yea that's right. this is not uniquely disturbing to me because it visualizes how disturbing all sex is to me. this guy gets it. (they do not get it they're being horny about it)

#non judgemental but weird experience #its like. if a sex-repulsed artist drew something to visualize what sex-repulsion is like #and what it feels like to live in a world where people expect you to want something that you feel is inherently violating to you #there would still be people who would unironically interpret it as erotic. do you understand what im saying #living as a sex repulsed adult in this world is like being surrounded by people who tell you #that you should want to dig thorns into your skin as deep as they go and that the idea of doing so should seem pleasant to you #and that you are abnormal for not wanting to do this and you are an object of ridicule for having never yet done it #of course I support other people doing it and I will fight to dismantle the stigma surrounding it #but I sincerely will not be taking part in it myself #and if you try to convince me or anyone else otherwise you deserve to have rabid dogs set upon you

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

Song of the Huntress

historical fantasy set in 8th century Britain

follows three characters:

a woman who has spent centuries leading the wild hunt & reaping souls after being tricked into it, who disguises herself as a human to enter the kingdom

the queen of Wessex who never lives up to the demands of the court, despite leading their people in battle - and after a battlefield defeat they turn against her

and her husband, the king, deals with magic and political upheaval as his brother tries to usurp him and conflict arises between new and old religions

bi woman MC, lesbian MC, ace man MC

#Song of the Huntress #aroaessidhe 2024 reads #This is - okay? some very interesting and complex characters #i liked the women of the wild hunt and I liked how aethelburg as a warrior queen is just sort of normal not some kind of girlboss thing #it’s very slow paced - I doubt I would have gotten through it if not for the audiobook #the historical setting and details and complexity of the plot is interesting #I did read it for the ace character so: #unsure how i feel about how his asexuality's the reason for the problem in their relationship. like the book tries to make it the issue tha #he didn't TELL her about it but.....but ultimately it is just his asexuality as the issue. idk. not that I don't think that this kind of #ace narrative shouldn’t be explored I guess. it was just a smidge too portrayed as him being the problem #I feel like if he were aroace at least it’d be like okay; she finds in someone else what he doesn’t want to give her #but he literally does love her romantically lol. which makes the subplot of the romance between the women like......ok she's cheating #bc her husband won't fuck her? not to minimise complex characters down to surface level ships but also…. #the sapphic relationship is kinda undeveloped/insta attraction and not much else -the book is conscious of this & #I don't think it tries that much to convince us it's something more than that (other than how it affects the character's personal journeys) #but still. idk. I guess I do like that it doesn't conform to perfect-narrative-romances but evidently unsure about how it did so #this makes it sound like I hated the asexuality and the sapphic relationship - I didn't hate either I just didn't love them lol #also his sister is also aroace and becomes a nun and otherwise she's offscreen - lost opportunity imo!

[seyaryminamoto]

It has been a day, and I just couldn't get anything else done while in the moodiest mood I could be.

Sooo... they're the best recipe I know to cure my heart from misery. I'd done this sketchdump a while ago, figured I'd spend my day working on this rather than everything else, and I'd say it helped if just a bit. Dropping it here even if it's not that great because, who knows, maybe someone else needs a dose of domestic Sokkla being happy dorks together in these trying times.

#sokkla #sokka #azula #rei #gladiator #any takes are valid I suppose #but #left-most is probably just them going to bed - their hair would be messier otherwise #top-most is a science discussion between the three cleverest people #though Azula is happy to sit back and watch the other two discuss science #makes her very happy #right-most is just my trolling need for Azula groping Sokka's arm muscles #he is so proud and thriving in the attention #pair of dorks I swear #bottom-most is hairdresser Sokka being his lovely self #while Azula tells him about whatever stuff she has to do that day #or so #yes this is what sustains me #when all else fails I come back to these two and they fuel me all over again #<3 <3 <3

[sskk-manifesto]

(´･ᴗ･ ` )

#I really like the “We're the bad guys' enemy” line. For someone I generally despise Dazai has all my favourite lines in this show… #Idk I can't really vibe with the unbalance that there is between s/kk. #Like when push comes to shove‚ Dazai has the power to keep Chuuya alive or let him die. #I understand why they make a compelling dynamic in their complexity‚ but it just doesn't do it for me. #I'm a little sad my opinion on them hasn't really changed since I watched the anime for the first time... #Also; I really can't vibe with Chuuya allowing Dazai to kill Q. Yes I know Chuuya cares about his comrades deeply. #Yes I know it can be interpreted as Chuuya seeing himself in Q as a living weapon and being disgusted by it #(though I honestly don't think that was intentional of the author). #Yes I know Chuuya is a mafioso and kills people. No I don't think your personal issues justify you being a dick to other people I'm sorry. #Back to my main annoyance with the episode: I must have already talked about this but I hate hate hate the narrative #“the mafia works for the city” “the mafia deeply loves the city too” it's so so sickening and insulting please stop I'm begging. #Please visit any actual city with a rooted mafia presence for once in your life (signed: someone whose hometown was destroyed by the mafia. #The writers really don't know what they're talking about and‚ politely‚ it's offensive.) #Also b/sd keeping being extremely nationalist with Mori (who's largely depicted unsimphatetically for the first part of the episode)– #bringing up western thinkers and subtly mocking Fukuzawa for not knowing them– #and Fukuzawa (the righteous man. the noble spirit and just soul in this episode and Mori's antithesis)– #stepping forward to say that he knows strategists from the east (because who else would he need?) #I don't know if it's meant to symbolize the conflict with an hostile and invading foreign power (the Guild). #But it does come across as. A very isolationist way of thinking. #I know it's subtle but it's really evident for me. And I didn't want to talk about this any further… #But by bringing actual examples of this I hope I can better explain why I think that b/sd holds nationalist views– #and that I'm not just making it up out of nowhere. Otherwise I fear I'd only come off as pettily hostile to b/sd in everything #That's it. I feel like I've been losing a lot of mutuals over my main recently due to not shutting up (sorry) #so I suppose it's only fair I lose them on here too pffttt. #Tune in next week for more bad takes #random rambles

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

anyway, feenris is important to both their characters because he taught her that her kindness wasn't a weakness, and she taught him that he could still have conviction without losing the parts of him that purely cared btw. if that even matters to you.

#and they both lie like dogs. #feenris #iris hawthorne #iris fey #phoenix wright #i could elaborate on this but like. i think i have. a lot of times. #anyway just to be clear it's how he tells her at the end of bttt that he's always believed in her thus assuaging her fears about her so- #called 'weakness' having hurt him irreparably and being what draws him to hazakura to begin with #and how her strength is what he mirrored at the end of dahlia's case when he insisted that their love was real and he wouldn't believe #otherwise. they saved each other. do you see that. one could not have gone without the other or else both their lives would have fallen #into tragedy so much sooner. sure phoenix says that it's edgeworth who taught him to believe in people no matter what but it's iris who's #the first person whom he puts that into practice for. they're quintessential to each other. do you understand. #bring her back!!!!!! #ace attorney #ace attorney trials and tribulations

[devilsskettle]

i hate that this website has location based ads now like it's one thing to promote the local grocery store chain to me but i am seeing ads for my workplace now :/

#stop it...... #i don't want to go back but this is the last sick day i can reasonably take #i probably should've gone back today but i told them when i was still feeling worse that i wasn't coming in....... #ohhhh i dread going in tomorrow so much. i don't even dislike this job i just hate being somewhere everyday #each day feeling its meaninglessness...... my meaninglessness in the space.......... the repetition and redundancy #selling people who don't need to be there things that they don't need #standing all day long just fucking bored #hoping that enough has happened since i've been gone that people can fill me in #ugggh because it's soooo boring but stressful to have to generate conversation with the same people every day #when nothing new ever happens #and i get sick of everybody even the people that i like and i don't really think anybody likes me that much either #i guess i felt this when i worked there part time but because i only had to be there part time it wasn't this constant gnawing feeling #and they didn't have me in the shop all the time....... this schedule is fucking killing me #i walk there i stand all day and i walk home #that's one of the reasons i haven't come back in yet - i was so dizzy and nauseous that the idea of standing all day was like. #i obviously can't fucking do that even if i would otherwise feel well enough to come in #if i had a sitting job then it wouldn't matter if i was a little dizzy #but getting back and forth to work and then standing for 8 hours. even when i'm feeling well it's kind of a lot #idk i guess i'm pretty unhappy with this job and where i am in life etc but i can't quit rn because what else would i do #there's literally job of this type that is going to pay as well and have good benefits #and i'm not qualified yet for the type of work i hope to do in the future #so i just gotta wait it out but it feels like. endless. #sigh anyway i'm just lazy lol #all this is to say. stop putting ads for my workplace on my dash lol i don't need to see all that