#stuck in the same 2 weeks for a year in our time.... god fuckin damn

[orcelito]

Remembering the idea I had of writing a supplemental fic for discacc that expands on the time he spent around Wakaba. Since I crammed all that into 1 chapter it got glossed over a Lot. There's 4 months there that's barely touched on, and man . There's a lot I want to address.

#speculation nation #discacc shit #oh if only writing wasnt so hard right now #missing the days of my 70k words in 3 weeks. that sure was a fucking time. #maybe someday i'll finish main discacc and be able to work on all the supplemental shit #of course theres the interlude fic i wanna do to cover akira's 3rd year in high school #and then sequel fic for them college age #the wakaba stuff. the ryukita side fic. the assortment of drabbles id love to write #i have a miasma of scene ideas floating around in my head and i doubt every one of them will be written #so the drabble thing will probably happen when i finish discacc main fic. whenever that might be... #god this fucking au is a goddamn BEAST. why does my brain want the massive giant thing #it's great for people who enjoy the au! SO much fucking content. #but it is also limiting my creative realms. and i still rly wanna write magic price au someday #imma just keep marching on. maybe i can actually get things moving in discacc again soon #stuck in the same 2 weeks for a year in our time.... god fuckin damn #writer's block sucks lol

[thatwaywardwolf]

I love this community, but some of you are going to be the death of me.

Hey, gang, I got a suggestion for all of us; pagans, occultists, witches, spellcraft workers, and so on. A totally wild idea, so brace yourselves for this.

How about...we stop offering spellcraft advice to people are in dangerous, potentially life threatening situations and do something productive that has faster results, like getting the person resources and genuine help instead of endangering them further?

Just a suggestion. I know, right? It's so crazy that it just might work. I'm so goddamn tired of how absolutely negligent some people in the community are and it's fucking wild to me. There's a difference between offering spellcraft and ritual advice to say, comfort someone through a breakup or deal with short term stress and doing the same thing when someone is in serious trouble. There's a damn time and a place for everything, but this isn't one of them. This is on the same levels of negligence as people who suggest crystals to treat medical conditions. It's treading into faith healing territory and it's absolutely ridiculous, and quite frankly, some of you should know better.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I got a notification ping in a server I'm in that keeps us notified about pagan and occult related subreddits. Someone made a thread begging for help because they're in an abusive, toxic situation and are at their wits end because they feel trapped with no support. What are people in the thread doing? They're offering spellcraft advice instead of shit that can help OP right the fuck now.

I genuinely don't understand. I've tried for years, but this I can't wrap my head around. I've tried to get it with Christians praying away illnesses and I've tried to here with people pulling similar shit here. How do some people not see a problem here? You wouldn't offer someone spellcraft advice if they were stuck in a burning building, or at least I hope you wouldn't, so why here? I don't get it.

Also, let me make it abundantly clear that I'm all here for spellcraft and ritual as long as you aren't hurting other people, violating their consent, or using it as a substitute to treat serious problems and issues in your life. If you want to do a ritual to bring you luck with finding a new job or get into your dream school, fuck yeah, I support you. I'm all on board for you doing something similar to help a friend too as long as they give consent first. If you want do a hearth ritual in the hope that the gods, the land spirits, and your ancestors will bless and protect your home, I support you.

But this? Absolutely fucking not, especially when people are actively being harmed. I wish more people took this shit seriously or were at least more vocal about it. I'm fearful we're going to get to a point where someone gives a person in crisis bullshit advice and then that person gets hurt or worse. That's their blood and pain in our hands and then we're going to have to have a serious talk about when we, as a community, are going to know when to be hopeful and when to be realistic.

I'm fucking done. I made my peace and now I'm hoping the mods from that sub do something useful if they haven't stepped in yet. These last few weeks have been a stressful pain in the ass on my end and I didn't think I'd come back to the community being on a whole new level of disgraceful bullshit. Happy fuckin' Pride month, I guess.

Edit: Oh, boy. A mod actually replied to the thread a whole two damm hours late. I posted screen grabs in the post just after this if you want to see them.

Edit 2: Joy. I woke up to a notification that I got muted in the sub from talking to the mods for four weeks. I love that :)

#im gonna have a coronary at some point i can feel it #adam rambles #adam rants #paganism #witchcraft #occult #spellcraft #spell work

[calpalirwin]

Meddling

Summary: Every story’s gotta start somewhere

A/N: The (way more detailed) origin story nobody asked for because after reading @cxddlyash​‘s spin on the end of this story, I wanted to rework some of it on my end.

Content: Take a wild guess

Word Count: ~4k

And away, and away we go!

__

Caroline Bennett placed a sneakered foot on the rung on her dolly cart, shifting the weight so she could wheel it into the venue. “Merch booth, merch booth, merch booth,” she muttered under her breath as a way to keep her focus on the task at hand rather than how weird it felt to be walking through an arena meant to house far more people than it currently did. If she had to take a guess, there were maybe 50 people or so in the building, compared to the 5,000 that would be pouring through the doors in a matter of hours. But she didn’t care about the 5,000 people because she’d be long gone by then. Right now, her only focus was finding 1 out of 50, because god damn it, how hard could it be to find the fuckin merch table?!

“You’re not Nate,” an accented voice questioned, almost making her lose her grip on her cart with how close it was to her. 

“Jesus!” she exclaimed, hurrying to adjust so the boxes didn’t go flying everywhere. Because that would be what she needed, to spill merchandise all over the place on her first day.

“Somehow I doubt that,” the voice said again, and she could hear the smirk before she saw who it belonged to- a boy, well man, she supposed, of about her age and about a foot taller. Soft brown curls were tightly contained by a bright-red bandana he had plastered to his forehead. If that wasn’t a dead-giveaway as to who he was, the drumsticks in the back pocket of his black skinny jeans sure were. Know everybody’s name, from the top to the bottom, her dad had taught her. “Wanna try again? It’s simple really. I say ‘hey you’re not my regular delivery guy.’ And then you go, ‘No, I’m,’ and then, here’s the crazy part. You tell me your name. And then I tell you mine, and well… you do know how meeting people goes, I hope.”

“Just point me to your promo team,” she scowled.

“Ashton Irwin, at your service.” He did a mock bow, somehow smirking even wider. 

“You’re not the promo team.”

“And you’re not Nate, merch girl. But you clearly do your research.”

“I’m good at my job, you mean.”

“That’s still to be decided. Seeing how it’s your first day and all. C’mon, follow me.” He started to lead her towards what she assumed would be the merch table. “So, how old are you?”

“Nineteen.”

“Oh, so you’re the same age as my bandmates. Well, almost. Two of ‘em are nineteen. Luke’s still eighteen.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Ashton laughed. “You’re smart. I like that. You single, merch girl?”

“How is that any of your business?”

He held up his hands defensively. “Just making conversation, shit. If you’re in charge of our LA deliveries, then you’re gonna be seeing an awful lot of me.”

“I was told I wouldn’t be dealing directly with bands.”

“Yeah, normally. But we like to make a lot of our merch so I try to know as much about it as I can.”

“Mmm, and the rest of your band?”

“They’re around. Why? You happen to fancy one of them more than your dear friend, Ash?” He pouted his lips at her. 

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t know which is the bolder assumption. That I fancy you, or that we’re friends when you don’t even know my name.”

“I would know it if you told me, merch girl.”

“It’s Caroline.”

He grinned, and if he wasn’t so infuriating, the dimples in his cheek and the lights bouncing off his hazel eyes would be downright swoon-worthy. But good God, he was annoying. “You can drop this stuff right here, Caroline.”

“Thanks,” she muttered, setting her cart upright and reaching for the top box.

“Not a problem,” he said, grabbing the box underneath hers to help her unload faster.

“Did I make you mad or something?” he asked after they unloaded in total silence.

“What?” she asked, as she double checked the order form against the boxes. “No, I’m not mad.”

“Okay. Cuz I wasn’t joking earlier. Like if you’re on our account now, you will be seeing a lot of me. And I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable or anything. But stiff professionalism never really spoke to me. So I’d much rather if we could try to be friends, you know?”

“I can be your friend, Ash. I just can’t be more than that.”

Ashton chuckled, “Damn, you sound a lot like Luke.”

She arched an eyebrow in a silent question. 

“Not that way!” he rushed, his cheeks flaming. “I meant that he’s also told me he doesn’t want to focus on a relationship right now. Which kinda sucks cuz thinking about it, you two would work really well together.”

“You hardly know me…”

“Call it instinct then, Miss Skeptic.”

“I think I liked ‘merch girl’ better. Here,” she thrust the order form in his chest. “Sign this.”

~~~

~Three Years Later~

“You seriously want more of the black hoodies than the white ones?” Caroline asked as she looked at the computer screen.

“Yes,” Ashton told her and she could hear the eye roll. “People like black.”

“People are also gonna like the white ones, especially when they see you modeling it,” she told him.

“Aw, you flatter me,” he deadpanned. “Who calls the shots here?”

“Fine, fine,” she said, punching in the right number for his order. “But don’t come crying to me when you get stuck with shit you can’t sell.”

“When have I ever?” he gloated. 

She sighed. He was right. The drummer knew his audience in terms of what they liked and which items were more popular. And all she had was a hunch.

“Hey, how’d that date with… uh… fuckin hell what was his name…” Ashton fought to remember the name.

“Brandon,” Caroline reminded him. “We broke up like three months ago. Guy was a dumbass. Where have you been?”

“Making an album and planning new merch for a tour. Why was he a dumbass? I thought you liked him.”

“I did, up until he turned into every other guy, Ash. He thought my job is so fuckin sick until he saw that I’m actually friends with you other dumbasses, and then I turned into a groupie all of sudden.”

“That’s fuckin disgusting.”

“Yeah, tell me about it…”

“So what you need is a guy who gets it.”

“Ash, for the last time, I’m not going out with you,” she joked. 

“Okay, 1.) Ouch. 2.) I’ve never asked you out so what the fuck do you mean ‘for the last time’? And 3.) I don’t mean me, although I’m flattered you think of me that way.”

“I don’t think of you that way. I don’t think of you at all actually.”

“Ha-ha, you’re hilarious. I see why all the guys are beating down your door.”

“Oh, fuck off!” she laughed. “But yeah, you’re right. I do need a guy that gets it. Problem is, I keep ending up with guys who are only pretending to get it.”

“Well… I might know a guy.”

“Oh, do you?”

“Yeah. Luke. About giraffe high. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Killer front man.”

“You mean the one who wasn’t looking for a relationship because he was working on himself?”

“The very one!” Ashton applauded her memory. “Look, I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t think it would work out. I wouldn’t fuck with you both like that.”

“Yeah, I know, Ash. And I appreciate you looking out for me, I do.”

“So…?”

“You know me, Ash. If he asks me out, I’ll give him a fair chance.”

“Cool. You’re still making deliveries right? Or did they finally get wise, and promote you?”

“They promoted me. I’m in charge of your account now, along with a few others.”

“Nice! Although, that kinda puts a damper on you and Luke meeting. I was counting on that delivery next week. Damn…”

“Oh, I’m still making deliveries. It’s weird though. See, I got the promotion, but then my boss said I was still requested to do deliveries for one of my accounts. You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?”

“Not a damn thing,” he lied through his teeth. “But, that’s good. Must mean the promo team likes you.”

“Yeah, ‘promo’ team.”

“So, see you next week?”

She laughed. “Yep. See ya Ash.”

~~~

“Luke, mate, you gotta sign those posters,” Ashton said, stirring Luke in the direction of the merch booth, knowing Caroline would be there any minute.

“Alright, I got it!” the blonde huffed at his friend, stepping to walk beside Ashton so he’d stopped getting shoved forward. “Geez, what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is, there’s a girl coming later and if you don’t ask her on a date, I’ll never hear the end of it.”

Luke stalled, turning to face his friend, eyes wide. “You promised someone I’d ask them out?! Without checking with me first?! Ash…”

“Relax, mate. You’ll like her, I promise.”

“I’m gonna fuckin kill you, is what I’m gonna do,” Luke threatened.

“Kill me, and you’ll have to find another drummer. And that would suck on such short notice. Might have to cancel a show, maybe more, while you guys get a replacement. Really bad for business.”

Luke glowered.

“Just trust me, okay? Just ask her on one date. One single date. That’s it.”

“This better be one hell of a girl…”

“Oh, she is. Don’t worry.”

As Luke stomped off to sign posters and await this girl he was supposed to ask out, Caroline walked confidently through the near empty amphitheater, a feeling she had really come to enjoy. There was something calming about walking silently through a place meant to be packed tightly with bodies with music so loud you could feel it in your bones. The calm before the storm, as she’d come to view it.

“Merch order,” she said, walking right up to a booth with a single man behind it. His blonde curls covered his face, a stack of posters beside him and a Sharpie resting delicately between his fingers. She rolled her eyes immediately. Ashton was going to pay for this one way or another.

Luke didn’t look up as he scrawled a loopy autograph across the poster at the top of the pile, setting it aside before repeating the same practiced scribble. “Can leave it right there,” he said, curls shifting across his forehead as he nodded over his shoulder in indication of where she could put the boxes. “What’s the order?”

“You don’t know what you ordered?” Caroline asked, grabbing the top box from her dolly cart and dropping it in the ground with a thump! She knew he didn’t. In three years, she’d never once crossed his path. God, what had Ashton been thinking?

“Not part of the promo team. I just get told to sign the posters.”

“Careful not to get a hand cramp there, rockstar,” she teased, dropping another box. 

Her comment was enough for the blue eyes to snap over in her direction. He swore under his breath, pushing his chair back and standing up to his full height. “Shit, here. Let me give you a hand with those.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” Caroline tried to brush him off, but their hands were already knocking into each other as they both reached for the next box. Caroline’s cheeks flushed as she dropped her hands, letting Luke grab the boxes as she instead busied herself with the itemized order form on her clipboard. “So, it’s a box of extra large shirts. 1 box of large. And a half and half box of medium and small. All men standard sizes.” She could hear the slight shake in her voice and she was definitely going to murder a certain drummer for this occurrence. 

“A box of the black hoodies, in various sizes, and then a last box of random odds and ends. Keychains, pins, CDs, the sorts,” another voice finished as a man with brown curls cut closer to his head than the blonde’s spoke up behind them. Just the man she was looking for. “Thanks, merch girl.”

“It’s Caroline, Ash. How many times do we have to go over this?” Caroline said as she turned on her heel, arms opening to hug the man. “I’m gonna fuckin kill you,” she whispered low in his ear. 

“Good to see ya too, love,” Ashton chuckled, accepting the hug.

“You two know each other?” the blonde man asked, an eyebrow arched in confusion.

“Yeah, Care’s been handling our merch for years. Have you two not met? Luke, Caroline. Caroline, Luke.”

The pieces clicked in Luke’s head, and he would have loved nothing more than to wipe that all-knowing smirk off Ashton’s face. He noted the way Caroline’s own fingers curled, like she was itching to do the same. And damn it all to hell, wasn’t she cute with her polo work shirt tucked into her blue jeans, and her brown hair pulled up in a ponytail, with little escaped strands framing brown eyes that snapped like fire as she glared up at Ashton? If this was the girl he’d be promised a date with… well shit… to say the pressure was on was definitely an understatement. 

“Yeah, I know who he is, Ash. I’m not blind. But nice to officially meet you, Luke,” Caroline spoke first, opting to be polite. After all, Luke had helped her with the boxes. And he was pretty damn cute up close and in person. 

“Pleasure,” Luke smiled, extending out his hand.

“Alright, if I can just get one of you to sign off on this…” She switched back into work mode to distract herself from how pink her cheeks were under Luke’s gaze.

“I got it,” Luke said, holding up his Sharpie as evidence.

“And maybe you can convince this one to order more of the white hoodies because those are going to sell better than your black ones,” she joked to Luke.

Both of the men laughed while Ashton scoffed, “Is that so?”

“Yep. Matter of fact, grab me one in medium.”

“Small,” Ashton corrected as Luke started ruffling through the stack of white hoodies.

“Lady said medium, Ash,” Luke said, handing Caroline the hoodie.

“Ooo, I like this one. He listens,” she smirked at Ashton who rolled his eyes playfully in response. “How much are you charging for these things?”

“$55,” Ashton answered. 

“Highway robbery!” Caroline told them, digging into her back pocket anyway.

“Don’t worry about it,” Luke said, his fingers brushing against her arm as he tried to stop her. “It’s on us.”

“Yeah,” Ashton agreed. “No one’s gonna notice if those ones go missing anyway, cuz I’m telling you, nobody’s gonna want one.”

“Well I want one, and that should count for something. I’ll throw an extra hoodie in the next order, and we’ll call it even. How’s that?” Even though her words were directed at Ashton, she looked right up at Luke, almost daring him to ask the question all three of them were waiting on. 

“How about a date instead?” Luke blurted out the magical words, and Ashton had the nerve stifled a laugh at his friend’s outburst, like he hadn’t orchestrated the whole thing. 

Caroline kept Luke’s gaze, pushing a copy of the itemized order form into his chest. “You’re on, rockstar.”

~~~

“You know, I’m really glad you said yes. I didn’t think you would,” Luke confessed, fingers tugging nervously on the curls at the back of his neck. “I mean… I know Ash sort of forced both our hands. But you still could’ve said no, ya know?”

Caroline smiled over at him. “And miss out on all of this?” She gestured out to the city lights blinking in the distance. “A midnight picnic overlooking the city. Gotta say, this ranks pretty high on my list of first dates.”

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah,” she nodded, leaning back on the palms of her hands. “Plus my date’s pretty fuckin’ cute.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Luke chuckled. “You look stunning by the way. Don’t know if I told you that.”

Caroline blushed. “You did, when you picked me up. But, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Shit, sorry I’m so nervous. I just… I’m having trouble getting out of my head I guess.”

“Because of Ash?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’m glad we’re here and all. Like you seem really nice. And you’re really cute. But…”

Caroline’s heart dropped. She had just been on the brink of forgiving Ashton for his meddling in the first place. But if his friend left her crying on the cliffside, she’d put that man six feet under if it was the last thing she did. “But what?” she forced herself to ask. 

“Was worried you’d say no. Ash meddling or not, you’re still a woman with free will. You didn’t have to say yes.”

“Just like you didn’t have to ask me.”

“Why wouldn’t I ask you out?”

“Why wouldn’t I say yes?” she countered.

“We talked for maybe like what? Two minutes? And… I dunno. I know Ash is the one who pushed us both into this, but… you guys seem close. Shouldn’t this be you guys?”

Caroline shook her head. “Nah, Ash and I get along, sure. But no. I, uh, have that problem a lot, actually. A lot of rock bands are made up of men, and I supply a lot of rock band merch. People, guys especially, seem to take that the wrong way a lot of time.”

“N-no, I- I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not… I don’t see a problem with…” Luke fumbled over his words.

She laughed softly, moving one of her hands to rest it over his. “No, I know what you mean. Ash is your boy. You didn’t want to feel like you were swooping in on his girl, even if this was his idea. And that’s sweet of you. But, I am a free agent who can go on as many cute dates with as many cute boys as she likes.”

“How about as many cute dates as you like with only one cute guy?”

“Ooo, I dunno. He’d have to be pretty fuckin’ cute,” she flirted.

His eyes were soft, his touch softer as he leaned in for a kiss that sent shivers down her spine. “I’ve been told I’m pretty fuckin’ cute,” he murmured against her lips, his own quirked up in a smile.

~~~

“Merch girl!” Ashton chirped over the line. “You coming to the party on Friday? Lover boy misses you something awful.”

“Of course I’m gonna be there, Ash,” she laughed. “Lu asked me last week.”

“Well damn. What do I bother calling you for anymore now that you have him?”

“To bother me because that seems to be your favorite pastime? And you can’t be mad that your meddling worked, Ash. Wasn’t that the point?”

“Yeah, I’m happy for you guys, truly. But also kinda scared because now there’s two of you to plot revenge.”

“Oh, no fair! I didn’t know plotting revenge was an option!”

“Ha-ha, hilarious. Seriously, how high should my guard be up for this party?”

“If you want me to return the favor of meddling in your love life, all you need is ask.”

“See, I’ve seen the people you pick out for yourself… so, lemme think… yeah, hard pass.”

“Suit yourself. I’m still bringing my friend along. If I can persuade her to come, that is.”

“Ooo, shy friends. Those are always fun.”

“Oh, so you do want to be set up!”

“I didn’t say that. All I’m saying is that I happen to be a very, terribly so, single man. And if I so happen to be introduced to a pretty girl, I’ll take it from there.”

“Well I’ll see what I can do about getting that pretty girl to the party, then.”

~~~

“Oh, will you come on?” Caroline asked, exasperated as her friend Britt sat on the edge of her bed, picking at the skin around her fingernails.

“I don’t want to be a third wheel, Care.”

“You’re not gonna be a third wheel.”

“Is Luke going to be there.”

“Yes.”

“Then I’m a third wheel.”

“Oh, c’mon! There will be plenty of other people there, too. Maybe even the man of your dreams. But you won’t know that if you sit here, so c’mon!”

“I’m not like you, Care. I don’t go to work and come home with a husband.”

“Okay, 1.) Luke is not my husband. We’ve been on like maybe four dates. And 2.) it’s a good thing this is a party then, not a delivery.”

Britt let out a long sigh, weighing her options. “Better be some cute fuckin guys at this thing…” she muttered finally.

“Oh, there will be,” Caroline smirked. It wasn’t technically meddling if she just introduced Britt to Ashton. Wasn’t like she was promising Britt a date with the man or anything crazy like that.

~~~

“Merch girl!” Ashton greeted, spotting Caroline as her and Britt walked in.

“Hey, Ash,” Caroline said, giving the man a hug. “Missed ya guys.”

“Missed ya too, Care. But not as much as lover boy, over there.” He jerked a thumb over at Luke who was quickly pushing past people to get over to where they were. “Who’s this?” Ashton’s hazel eyes flickered over to Britt.

“This is my best friend, Britt. Britt, this is Ashton.” Caroline matched Ashton smirk for smirk. 

“And I’m Luke,” Luke said, wrapping his arms around Caroline and pressing a big kiss to her cheek. “Missed you, baby,” he whispered low so only she could hear.

“Let’s get you girls something to drink. C’mon.” Ashton led the way deeper into the party. “So, how’d you meet Care?” he asked Britt.

“Kids,” Britt squeaked.

Caroline laughed. “We’ve known each other since we were kids,” she elaborated.

“Mmm. Well, any friend of Care’s is a friend of ours.”

Caroline wasn’t sure her friend’s cheeks could get any darker under Ashton’s gaze. She had to hold back bewildered laughter of how well this was going already, while wondering if this was how Ashton had felt watching her and Luke interact for the first time. Like you had inside knowledge on a love story that hadn’t been written yet. 

“So, what’s the deal with your friend?” Ashton asked Caroline later on in the evening.

“Why? You interested?” Caroline teased.

He scoffed. “I don’t think I’ve heard her speak, she’s too busy blushing.”

“I told you she was shy. And she’s also out of her element here. But yes, she is single, if that’s what you’re asking. Which it is.”

“I said I didn’t need to be set up, Care.”

“I never said I was setting you up, Ash. I just happened to introduce a pretty girl to a very, terribly so, single man.”

Ashton chuckled. “You’re devious, you know that?”

“That may be so. But you’re both my friends. All I did was introduce you guys to each other. Something that was bound to happen sooner or later. What happens next is up to you and her. Although, for the record, I think you’d be pretty cute together.”

“So you admit you’re setting me up with your friend?”

“Just like you set me up with Luke?”

“Oh, I fully accept responsibility for that one. Worked out great, don’t ya think?”

She laughed. “So clearly you’re the one with the matchmaking abilities. So go on. Go make your match. Get out of here, and go talk to her!” she laughed more, pushing at his chest.

“Tell that to Britt,” he called out over his shoulder.

“What was that about?” Luke asked, coming up with new drinks and handing one to her.

“Oh, I was just telling Ash to go talk with Britt some more.”

“Mhm, cuz you're setting him up with her just in a less in-your-face way.”

“I am not! I brought Britt along because I thought it’d be fun for her.”

“Sure ya did.”

“Okay, maybe I did mention something about there being cute available guys to persuade Britt to come with me. And maybe I did mention to Ash I was bringing her. But, you gotta admit that they would make a cute ass couple.”

Luke nodded in agreement. “But not as cute as you and me.”

“Thank God for Ashton Irwin, huh?”

“That meddling bastard.”

__

Tag List

@frontmanash​​ @goeatsomelife​​ @flameraine​​ @creator-appreciator​​ @cxddlyash​​ @1-irwin-94​​ @sparkling-calm​​ @tea4sykes​​ @youngblood199456​​ @5-seconds-of-obsession​​ @gosh-im-short​​ @aquarius-hood1996​​ @talkfastromance4​​ @itjustkindahappenedreally​​ @philthepegacorn​​ @boomerash​​ @teenwolfss24​​

#meddling #luke hemmings #luke hemmings fic #also a friend!ashton fic #5sos #galcal irwin

[madllamamomma]

I Think I Have a Problem.... (A personal true story).

So as the title suggests, I have a strange problem…. Just as a warning, this is about my view of my younger self. It is about religion, and gender identity. This is not how I see the world anymore. It was how I told how the world should look. If you are offended in any way, please know this is a vent post and nothing to hurt anyone else. This is just what happened to me as a child. Shit….. This is about to get very long winded, so buckle up and here we go… *takes deep breath*

So a little backstory on your Mother Llama: I was raised in a weird backward ass “Independent” Baptist church most of my young life. If you guys don’t know what those are, be thankful…. But I guess I should explain it the best way I can…. they are a borderline cult. Yes. I said it. I’m not sorry. It may sound like an extreme accusation, but hold on. Just listen to me.

Now, I have no problem with Christians, or religion. You should believe whatever you want to believe in…. I do however, have a problem when religion is used as an excuse to not educate minds about the real world, force them to not let them think for themselves, and when someone questions any of it, they are punished or shamed for it instead of thinking about an answer. If you can’t tell, I am still a little angry about that shit. Imma try to keep on topic here….

I wasn’t taught science (real science anyways, it was all about ‘creation’ bs—OH! And being anything but a cis straight person was compleltly unexceptable. Woman were the weaker sex and were made to raise babies and take care of the husband. Men were superior and should be taken care of.) nor about World history or about other cultures, other than biblical of course. And when they were mentioned, they made them look evil and behave like heathens because they didn’t believe the same as they did. Everything changed when I went to public school half of fourth grade when my family moved to a different state and there wasn’t any church school like I went to. I learned a lot those years, that ‘The World’ wasn’t as bad of a place as they said it was. It was vast and had many things to offer. (No, not the World, Dio’s stan power from Jojo’s bizarre adventures—that is what our pastors called anything outside of the Baptist approved realm. Something ‘Worldly’ was basically something sinful and ungodly and therefor was bad and wrong).

So this may seem like a strange Segway in to what I am actually getting at, but I had a huge crush on this boy back when I was young and it started when I was about 12 or 13 years old and ended when I was 16. He was the same age as me, and he was the son of a pastor of a small church of about 20 people, mostly military families— we will call him.... D.... for dick...

I thought for a long time that I ‘loved’ D. I thought that ‘God made him for me’ (yes I really said that and it hurt to even write it). I really thought I knew what love was back then, but I was very wrong.

D was homeschooled, he didn’t have many friends and was also a navy brat like I was. So, naturally, we got along very well, and I would hang out with him at his house sometimes. We mainly played video games I was terrible at and he would always bet me. But I liked hanging out with him, so I didn’t care if I won or not. My heart for some reason was totally head over heels over D. And he liked me too for a while… or at least I thought he did… He however never made a move. I always thought D was just too shy, and didn’t know how to ask me. Any time I tried holding his hand, I’d chicken out. It was a stalemate. But this particular church did a thing where people had to court. Yes... COURT someone, not DATE (Courting is where you had adult chaperones keeping an eye on you two, you were never really alone. Ever, because apparently you can’t be trusted?). When we both turned 15 yo, D started a private Christian school. Being the awkward girl I was, I never told him how I felt, I just waiting for him to say something. Time passed, and I still waited and waited for him to ask me out.

But here’s the thing! He didn’t know the real me.

I was in public school, in middle school, and I started to become a weeb. Like a super cringy weeb that didn’t like anything else but anime—I was also kinda emo/punk kid thought I was edgy. (Yeah rock music was bad too, it was ‘Worldly’).Not a very good mix for Baptist I know. At school, I was one person, and at church I was another.

Well, being an anime fan meant I was exposed to a lot of things like the LGTB+ community for the first time. A lot of my friends at the time started to come out other than straight and that was very new to me.

During that time, I soon was starting to secretly question my faith, my understanding of my own sexuality and gender. Like, maybe people liking the same sex or both is actually not a bad thing after all (if you haven’t seen any of my works, hopefully you guys know that I know better that what I was taught—I am a proud fuckin’ ally! I still consider myself cis-straight, but some days I feel like I’m bi-curious, and that’s ok! It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m here now. Gender roles are dead and stupid.)

So here is the kicker~ One faithful day we had a guest pastor join us for a few weeks from another church. This mother fuckin’ nasty ass old white man from Alabama came with his ‘perfect quiet godly’ wife. Who badly ever spoke a damn word. She always just sat in the corner all ‘ladylike’.

—Oh!!! Another fun fact, I didn’t wear pants for a year when I was 10 yo becasue that was considered “cross dressing”— I’m dead fucking serious. My parents then decided after attending sporting events and stuff like that to drop that ludicrous lifestyle, becasue it was stupid. So, Outside of church, my family and I still wore pants and shorts and whatever, but in church we pretended that we didn’t wear anything but modest skirts, dresses, and long culottes. (That’s a little damaging…. don’t you think? Telling people your one thing, when in reality you're not like that at all??)

Anyways— I hated skirts, especially wearing them in the state we lived in, it was way too hot and I’d get chafed (these had to be knee length or longer btw). And of course that guest preacher would preach about the sins of women wearing pants, but I didn’t care. I wore them for so long, it just made me angry anytime someone would bring that up. I liked my jeans and I was starting to become a rebel teen who gave less than a fuck and started to speak my mind. Which was dangerous to that community…. Also I had a bad tendency of not keeping my legs together when I bent down, and one time I accidently showed my underwear (that’s really embarrassing btw, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s awful when you're 14 yo-- really any age actually).

So, one day I wore a long jean skirt for a youth outing with the church. I was required to wear it, but I always wore leggings underneath so I wouldn’t accidentally show my undies if I fell down or the wind blew it. This fucker had to say something about it. The old man turned to me with a wrinkled smirk as I was passing by him and dared to utter, “Now, don’t you feel most femine and ladylike in that skirt? I’m sure Jesus would like seeing you like that.”

My shoulders clench up tight, my brow furrows. All I can remember seeing is fucking red and actually trembling with fury. (This was happening in my pastor, D’s father’s, own living room mind you.) D was there watching as I blanched about ten shades of red in anger and embarrassed because that prick of an old man called me out in front of everyone. I turned to him and half shouted, “NO! I don’t!” I could see my pastor’s mouth drop to the floor as I began to completely obliterate this old man. But I couldn't stop myself as I started to further cut into him. “—I hate wearing skirts! I don’t feel ladylike! In fact, they make me feel vulnerable! What if some guy tries to rape me! They won’t have any problem getting to me!—Why is something with a whole on the bottom more ladylike than something that actually covers me?! I like pants! They are comfortable and they make me feel safe! Why is that a sin to wear something that is more covering?!?! I’m not cross dressing, my mom bought them in the girl’s session!! [Keep in mind that was a long time ago, I don’t feel like people should care about what section they get their clothes from, wear what you want] And what do you know about wearing a skirt?! You’re a man! You try wearing them! They suck! You need to stop telling me what I can and can’t wear! I’m not dressing like a whore for wearing something with a crotch!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Everyone in the living room was just stunned at my audacity to dare speak to this pastor like I did. But he was so fucking quiet after that. And I stormed out of the house and the guest pastor never spoke to me again about it. Luckily my mom came and picked me shortly after that. She was angry too after I told her what happened. That old fuck singled me out and I was pissed off. I was a teenager and that shit was embarrassing!

But I made the mistake of showing my true self. I think after that moment, D stopped liking me after that.

Some shit went down south with my parents behind closed doors of my household, and eventually they got divorced. They left the small church because the pastor didn’t approve of it. Pastor said that my parents just needed more counseling but he didn't understand that they just needed to not be together. Sometimes you can’t make things work. Especially when your dad is a toxic piece of shit that only cares about himself.

Anyways, everyone in my family left the church, but I stuck around that shit-hole just to see if D would ask me out. I was so desperate, I felt like I waited forever, but really it was like 2-3 years, and I felt like I couldn’t give up. Eventually D and I turned 16. He started to become distant and a little mean towards me and I became confused and started to realize the worst. Finally, I was tired of waiting so I asked his older sister if he liked me on the way back taking me home. I could see it in her face, that she didn’t want to have my heart broken, but reluctantly she told me no. He actually liked another girl at his new private school and was going to ask her parents to court her instead.

I was so devastated.... It hurt so much, I cried myself to sleep that night, and most of that week I was very sad.

Obviously, after that, I stopped going to church entirely, I couldn't show my face anymore. Finally let myself question my faith, sexuality, gender roles, and humanity all together. And realized that religion was stupid (in my opinion at the time) and I came u with the conclusion that people can be sheep. I was a sheep for a long time. And I refuse to be one ever again.

High school was very enjoyable after that, and I let myself grow and started to love other religions and world history, and tried to stop being so judgmental of others and what they felt like. I even got into a relationship with a sweet boy around my age.

Eventually in college, after a break-up with my high school sweetheart, I reconnected with D via FB. Apparently, the church went under and his parents moved away to Greece to be missionaries or something. D still lives in the same town I’m in, but graduated from a “Christian academy”—not Catholic, Christian. Catholic colleges are accredited at least. But he basically told me he was a secret “bad boy” now. He lost his virginity in highschool, (like I did) and he was totally trying to booty call me. Not even hiding it either! He was like, “Hey, Llama, you wanna fuck?”.

And I was like, “D! You broke my fucking heart when we were young! Don’t you remember that???”

And he was like, “Oh no! I had no idea! (the fuckin’ liar). Well, we can fuck now!~ *wink, wink*”

🤨

This is where I was a jerk.... Because he broke my heart. I led him on, told him I would meet up with him at his house to sleep with him, and just didn’t show up—ghosted him ever since. The worst part about that, is I still don’t regret doing that to him. I hope I hurt his feelings and felt like an ass like I did.

So years have passed, I consider myself as a rather successful woman now. I’m 27, I consider myself Buddhist (I am a terrible Buddhist I know), I am an Occupational Therapy Assistant and I have a great husband (I married the guy I was with in high school). And he loves the real me—the crazy closet weeb, cartoon watching, creative, expressive, me! The person who also writes fanfiction about a romance novel and he is fine with it. Because he is a huge nerd too and we are both nerds together.

My husband is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. When I write about Rhemi and Muriel, I draw a lot of inspiration with our conversation we have and how relationship dynamics are and I think it makes the writing more authentic and makes them feel a bit more real.

I love my husband more than anything… So why do I keep dreaming about that stupid asshole that just liked the fake me? D was and always will be a total tool. He is like the basic bitch of a man. And yet I still find him creeping in my dreams and I try to cheat on my husband with him in them. I wake up feeling totally terrible and weird after them too. D is a terrible fucking person—the worst person you can be in my opinion—The kind of person why lies and tells people one thing, but hides the fact that he’s really just a nasty fuck boy. If you are one, just be honest! Don’t tell another woman you're a good christan man, when really you’ve slept with not just one, but multiple girls! That how you get fucking STDs! I hate being lied to, and I’m sure other girls do too! So I guess that’s why I do, because I felt like I was lied to my entire life. Then again, why should I even care?! Why do I feel like I still obsess over him? I hate him so much now! So why do I even care? Why do I still find myself stalking him on social media? Why does it even matter? Why do I want him to see I’m happy without him? Why do I want him to see what he could have had with me? We were just stupid teenagers! Why did I care so much? Why did it hurt so much when I found out he didn’t like me?! It’s been over a decade, and we didn’t even really date! Why did this affect me so hard? …. FUCK!

So yeah. That’s my long ass rant for you all… thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#story time #mad llama momma story #true story #weird dreams #why does my brain do this? #anybody relate? #does anyone get me? #vent post

[alitheamateur]

The Grind- Chapter 24

“Stop givin’ her your back, baby. You know betta, damn it!” Colton beat the cold canvas of the ring in constructive dissatisfaction, unintentionally distracting me from Tia’s chokehold attempt.

We were doing daily training now, with the match only two weeks away. Ryan, wasn’t exactly giddy towards accepting this challenge and jumping on this particular horse, the undoubted distraction it would from my column at the Pilot. I swore, and sensibly assured him I could juggle both hefty responsibilities, but the extreme lack of sleep on my calendar these days was proving an obstacle. 

Cardio and weights with Colton routinely every morning in the basement of his place at 4:30 a.m., showered and off to work by 8, then grappling and fight training every evening with my trio. Cal would often sideline for emotional support, too. The fact that Mr. Ritter and I now shared a bed each night, his & her vanity’s in his newly remodeled bathroom thankfully equipped with a bathtub large enough for the both of us, and breakfast in his nook every morning made alone time easy, thankfully. I moved in swiftly after the details of my match with Katrina Bexley from Franklin Park were on paper, accepting Colt’s offer to share a home with him happily.

The contents of my place were relocated to our home within a couple of days, before the cool of Pittsburgh autumn disembarked. He let me sprinkle a feminine touch here and there without dispute, and even bought me my very own pink punching bag for the basement as a housewarming welcome.

“Livvy, c’mon! Take her down, you’ve got it!” My boyfriend turned trainer encouraged.

His part in my preparation had been a surprising positive for our relationship. I could tell, despite how frightened he was for my welfare, that the common ground of fighting we now shared was one he appreciated. He kept up my diet plan with me, avoiding to dare come home with pizza, beer, or burgers, and most nights we’d watch his old fight films, or any other female matches he could dig up online. He’d rest his back on the arm of the plush sectional I’d brought from my old apartment, I’d settle between his legs resting my head on the muscled pillow of his core, and he’d talk me through each move listing the do’s and don’ts.

I carefully counted the seconds, waiting for the exact moment to pummel Tia to the mat, fearing I would misstep. Then, like I’d been doing it my entire life, I locked her into a double leg takedown, and she grunted in discomfort when her head bounced like a ball off the canvas.

“Touché, LC! That was excellent. I’ll bust your nose if you do it again, but it was perfect,” Tia pulled the slimy mouthguard from her teeth as she stood to her feet.

The ring at the Temple had become as much my home as the one I was creating with Colton these days. I often showered in the locker room there at night after sessions, allowing me to crawl directly in bed after the short drive home if need be.

“Hit the sauna with me before you head out?” I asked Tia, hopefully.

We were on much sturdier ground now, and she’d even spent a handful of nights at our house for dinner. Colton and she were teetering a little on the line beyond civil, giving me hopes of a friendship for the two of them in the works.

She came out of her latest match victoriously, and Colt & I were there to support on the front row. However, her eye had suffered quite the beating in the bloody battle, so she was out of commission to compete for at least 6 weeks recommended by her surgeon.

“I’d love to. God knows I need it. But I have an early shift in the morning at the boutique, so I’m gonna head out.”

Colton snuck up my back stealthily during our conversation, wrapping his arms around my neck to kiss my cheek, and the sweat soaked hair stuck to it.

“I think I may know somebody else who has a few extra minutes to occupy the sauna with ya’, 2-1.”

“Ahhhh, fuckin’ hell, you sleeze. I’m out on that note,” Tia made a gagging reference then grabbed her bag to retreat.

 Colton sat aside me on the oak bench of the spacious sauna, with my feet swung over his toweled groin so he could massage the aching, knotted muscles of my calves. It was quiet the first several minutes, so I took the peaceful silence as an opportunity to close my eyes for some long overdue rest. The two of us had already “christened” the very room a few weeks ago, so I knew that nagging plea from Colton had been satisfied and he wouldn’t be begging me. For at least another few days.

“Have you talked to your parents lately? Since you told them about the fight?” He asked, his words breaking through the thick, white steam of the sauna.

He had yet to meet my parents in person, but I settled for a Skype introduction before I moved in. Something felt eerily unsettling about moving with a man when my parents didn’t even know his hair color. My mother, however old, but very clearly not dead, almost yelped when Colton’s fetching smile came into view of the camera, and even dad complimented his “impeccable politeness.”

“Yeah. Dad texted the other day to ask if it would be streaming online so they could watch. I’m sorta shocked at how excited he is. I didn’t think he’d be over the moon about the idea of his daughter getting her face beat in.” I jerked when my personal, irresistible masseuse worked over a deep dwelling tender spot in my leg.

“I think you should have them out here, babe. He’s excited that your competing in somethin’ again, I betcha. They could stay in the guest room at the house,” he calmly, yet very suggestively stated.

Dad being proud of me again, and the thought of hearing his cheers from the stands, was a fond idea, no doubt. But, the possibility of having him come so far, only to get my sorry butt handed to me, and disappoint him once again, wasn’t keen to me.

“I love you, Colt, but we’re gonna have to agree to disagree here. I think having them here, to watch the fight, would just create way too many unnecessary nerves for me, ya’ know?”

He never said another word that night in the aspect of my mom and dad, and we made the journey home.

 Later in the same week, Colton took me to a sweet spot in his precious ‘Burgh to help me check fight night attire off my checklist. He knew what I liked, and more importantly, what I needed to avoid feeling too constricted, and asked if he could call in a favor so the seamstress could have it made up when we arrived. The Pilot was sponsoring me, along with Temple Fitness, and Andrew tossed his hat in for The Grind, as well. I was grateful they’d been so generous with sponsorship donations, and considered it an honor to wear their banners.

The address Colton drove us to was a hole in the wall, and I would’ve considered it abandoned and drove on by had I passed the place myself. But he heeded the tailor was a gem, and one of the finest ladies he’d ever met. When we entered, a teeny bell atop the door jingled, and a teenage girl staring into a book at the counter raised a smile to greet us.

“Hey there, Tessa. How ya’ doin’?” Colton acknowledged the girl by her first name, clearly proving he frequented the place often.

She beamed a candy apple blush at Colton’s ‘hello’, her no older than 16-year-old heart skipping a beat. I didn’t blame her. When I was her age, Nathan Rogers made me quiver that very same way. Was there a single, heterosexual female within 5,000 thousand miles that didn’t want to lick my boyfriend like a melting popsicle?

“I think ya’ grandmother has something ready for me to pick up.” Colt leaned upon the counter, as if feeding into the poor girls drooling response. Much like my own reaction the very first time I laid eyes on him.

“She said you’d be by today. Let me grab it for you!” Tessa jumped from her seat to answer her favorite customers beckoning call.

“That poor girl almost tripped over her own tongue when you walked in here, Ritter. Don’t smile at her like that too much. Give the female population at break, damn it.” I nudged him once the girl disappeared behind the stock room door.

“You gave them a break when ya’ took me off the market and claimed me, baby,” he stuck his tongue out playfully and winked. Of course.

“Oh, what I service I did for my fellow man, huh?” I countered his cheekiness with my own gentle pinch to his toned rear end.  

When the young clerk emerged, she unfolded a black pair of elastic, compression shorts trimmed in pink. The letters of my name printed boldly across the waistband, the young lady observed Colton and I, hoping to gauge any reaction of satisfaction to the product.

“I thought about having Sally put ‘Luscious Liv’ on ‘em, just to stick you with a shit ring name like the one I got.” Colton snidely declared.

“Thank God, you have a heart and decided against that one. For your sake, smartass,” I grabbed him by the face to shake him flippantly. “I love them though, Colt. And, I just might love you, too.”

“Appreciate it as always, Tess!”

Tags: @torialeysha @eap1935 @littleluna98 @mollybegger-blog

A/N: Apologies for the brief chapter, my angels. I’ll make it up to you! I’ve got lots I need to be writing, but it seems my brain is on vacation. Doing the best I can for you all, and hopefully you’ll hang in there with me!

#Tom Hardy #tomhardy #tommy conlon #tomhardyfanfic #tom hardy fanfiction #tomhardyfanfiction #elizabeth olsen #thegrind

[crasherfly]

Been Around

I’ve been working on an iteration of this tumble for a while.

My last one? Well. It was kinda. Sad? 

Like, basically, oh hey I’m on the edge of ruin guess we’ll see what happens!

Obvs some time has passed since then. And like, I dunno, maybe people are wondering how things turned out?

So I’m here to talk about that. Oh, and yeah, talk about what I’ve been playing watching and listening to.

Question Corner time!!!

Um did you get fired or what?

Shockingly, no! I kept my job. In fact, kinda got a clean slate- new manager, a new schedule, the works.

What the fuck? How?

Right? 

Basically, I kept my mouth shut when I needed to and stuck to one un-sophisticated but outrageously stupid lie about why my “work” wasn’t showing up in the reports.

And the person in charge of calling me on that bullshit just...didn’t.

I don’t know if it was kindness, or laziness, or what, but they basically let me off with a firm warning to not let my abject neglect of my job be so obvious next time around. Around the same time as all this was going down, there was also a big shakeup in management, and I got shifted to a new guy. Along with that, I also got approved to reduce my work week. 

So my best guess is amidst all the change they decided to just give me a free pass, cuz firing a union employee in the time of covid would be...a lot of work.

Wow. Sick. So. New schedule?

Yup. My job is having a bit of a budget emergency so they have offered to let us take unpaid time off while retaining our benefits. I’m now working 30 hours a week until the end of the year. I’ll miss the money, but honestly? I’m fucking stoked. I straight up need to be at work less, and while it’s some shit that I have to take a paycut just to stay sane, you better believe I was ON THAT the minute I learned it was an option.

You didn’t get fired. You got a new sup, a new supervisor...so...are you gonna try in the future, to, like, not get in that position again?

Yeah. I’m very okay with not putting myself through any of this ever again. 

I’m actually putting in a full day’s honest work. Logging in on time. Staying awake the entire shift. Doing actual work. It’s wild. And exhausting. And repetitive. So...so...so...repetitive.

Actually working my job the way it’s written out on paper is awful and draining. My work is deeply uninteresting and utterly without consequence. I don’t have any actual metrics to work towards because of how the pandemic has impacted things. You’d think that would be good! But actually, it sucks real bad cuz my bosses basically just say “you have no metrics, but you should also be demonstrably productive” which basically means BUSY AS FUCK. So every day is an exercise in how I can convincingly spin my tires for 10 hours a day.

The tradeoff for making a clean go at this whole gainful employment thing is that, presumably, I can forgo the stress of like, you know, having my entire life and sense of financial security implode at a moments notice. I guess it’s a fair trade. 

Still, I’m so very, very tired.

So...how are you feeling about things?

Honestly...pretty okay? 

Look, you gotta understand that for the past month I was unraveling at the seams. Barely sleeping, drinking way too much, gaining weight back and making zero progress on my creative hobbies. So any improvement at all? In 2020? Feels like a fucking windfall to end all windfalls, even if the job is still shit and the paycut is a bit of a kick in the ass.

Cool cool. You uh...still doin...?

Therapy? I mean you can just say therapy.

Yeah, I’m doing it. Results seem...limited?

I found out my therapist is a anti-vax covid truther so...that’s been an experience. But when she isn’t going on about how big pharma is just mining us for cash money (not totally untrue), she’s...aight?

I dunno. I have to talk a lot. I don’t usually do that, ya know? And sometimes I finish my sentences and I’m like lol that’s literally all I got and then have to wait for a response. And the response is usually something weird like “WELL THAT’S GREAT”.

I guess I was expecting to hear some high concept shit about my brain? And instead...it’s mostly just been affirmations of just how damn functional I am! I’m so functional! Look at me, being functional like I’m all sorts of hot shit.

I thought you were gonna fire her-

Yeah, uh, look. I’m...very bad at confrontation. I’ll fire the truther therapist next week, I promise.

Whatever, so...what are you gonna do now that you only work 3 days a work?

Hopefully more of this! I miss writing for an audience. I miss sharing what excites me with other people! I’ve missed having an online presence. I live my life on the internet these days. Like, yesterday, I had this distinct feeling that I was SO ONLINE that I was like, basically, on the verge of full Matrix.  Like, between Spriteclub and Twitter and Youtube and my online games, just stick a fuckin’ needle in the back of my head and get it over with. I’m like fuckin’ Neuromancer over here, 3 monitors at once all day every day.

So...when do we talk about what you’ve been up to?

RIGHT NOW ASSHOLE! That’s right folks, let’s talk about what I’ve been gettin’ into during my free time. 

WRITING-

Alice and the Pale Horse

I’m on page 123. Working on some edits. Seriously looking at how I can release my first few pages in an episodic format.

My dream is to someday have an animator for this story. A guy can hope, yeah?

Crash’s Corner

I’m gearing up for another anime post. I’m hoping it’ll be a bit shorter and more focused. Major show candidates include Kaguya-Sama: Love is War, Gleipnir, and Deca-Dence.

Film Journal

I’ve been guest writing for Ryan Sanderson’s year-long film journal the past few weeks. The last entry was about the Alien franchise. Give it a look!

ANIME-

God of High School

Man, this show is so damn lukewarm until it hits these wild action sequences that make your soul just fucking sing. The story feels like total nonsense, even for a shonen, but then you hit moments like this and it just doesn’t matter. It’s so imaginative it just absolutely soars. 

Gleipnir

OH MY GOD GLEIPNIR. Look, I can’t recommend this show to you. It’s that batshit off the walls wild. But...if you can handle the absolute of anime bullshit- and if you’re an anime fan, you know what I mean- then you might be able to handle this. I just finished the first season this week and it grabbed me by the neck and didn’t let go. If it doesn’t get renewed, I’ll absolutely find the manga. But just. Like. Holy shit. Yeah. (I said Holy Shit probably at least 2 or 3 times per ep, so be warned).

Fire Force

Honestly, season 2 has been a bit of a gas for me. It’s just lacked a certain juice that the first season had. Season 1 had so much wild worldbuilding going on, while season 2 seems to be all about tossing in as many tertiary characters as possible. Curious if the manga handles that better. As it stands, Fire Force still makes it onto my weekly rotation of anime I hit up while biking.

Deca-Dence

I heard hype for this on Twitter, and based on the stills and the trailer, I was kinda so-so. But I jumped in and gave it a couple ep’s and honestly? It kept my attention. It even surprised me several times. It’s deeply imaginative in its own right, and presents a couple of animation styles that play directly into the lore of its world presentation. I’m not resonating with it on an emotional level in the same way as I am with say, Gleipnir, but this is still a really damn good show that I’d have no reservations about recommending to anyone.

A Certain Scientific Railgun T

This one has me deeply conflicted. On the one hand, it is a gif generator, and I have a whole library of reaction gifs to show for it. The action is thrilling, the world gorgeous, the characters endearing and appropriately silly. But, like, also, it is the height of fan-service and there’s not much of a defense for it. So much so that I’ve only watched the first few episodes. I don’t know if I’ll keep on since the story hasn’t got its hooks in me yet. Reminds me a lot of Pandora in the Crimson Urn- deeply imaginative and funny but also full of yikes.

My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU

I’m only a few ep’s into season 1 but I’m intrigued. It’s a rom-com/slice of life type anime, but it plays like a more straight-faced Kaguya-Sama: Love is War, but with the voice of the show centered around a deeply unlikable incel-type character surrounded by a terrifically enjoyable cast of fellow students who each bring their own quirks to the table. I’m interested to see how the plot continues to develop, as I’ve seen fans raving about the most recent season. However, this show has fallen to the wayside as I keep getting distracted by other anime. Kinda reminds me of Food Wars in the sense that I find its premise and characters compelling but also lose my focus on the story quickly.

Samurai Champloo

Finally finished it! Loved it, for the most part. As a guy who has watched his fair share of classic sword films, I deeply appreciated how much reverence the animators and writers had for the genre, while also infusing their own modern sensibilities. It’s not hard to see what this sword story is so well loved, even if its overwrought ending doesn’t come close to touching the charm of its early charm and wanderlust. 

Kaguya-Sama: Love is War

The best damn rom-com slice of life anime I’ve ever seen. Season 2 blew me away. I laughed. I cried. I enjoyed the new tertiary characters and was gratefully surprised by how easily the story was able to sustain the pace, brevity and sneaky depth of season 1. This show is special.

Dragon Ball

I want to enjoy this, if only ‘cuz I want to understand the story that is considered so foundational to many other fans. And I LOVE the trademark animation, of course. But...also..there’s a whole lot of moments in this that are just uh...they require explaining in 2020. Maybe I just need to get over my scruples and power through, idk.

Katekyo Hitman Reborn!

My current shonen project. I’ve been stalled out on the timeskip arc for about...a year now? But I’m not willing to call it quits yet! I need to see this bonkers time-traveling mafia war through to its conclusion. 

Gintama

I fucking adore Gintama. I love how it doesn’t give a fuck about skewering anime as a medium until it flips a switch and slaps you upside the head with some weirdly emotional and hopeful message. Every character is both hilarious and yet has this deeply emotional connection to the audience. It is perfect satire.

MANGA

Note: People often ask me where I get my manga. My answer can vary from title to title, but my usual go-to is Epilogue Books, owned and run by my dear friend and writing partner of many years. I have a semi-regular shipment of titles I receive from them depending on how quick I get through a given shipment. If you’re looking for these, or any other manga, give their site a gander or contact them directly. They’ll hook you up, and you’ll have the satisfaction of supporting literally anyone but Amazon.

One Piece

I’m on volume 33 of the Skypiea arc, which has been so-so compared to the previous arcs with Crocodile and the adventures in the Deep Blue. I do find the Kami to be a curious and compelling villain, but none of the Straw Hats have done much in the way of growth beyond “get separated, fight jobber bosses, come back together and let Luffy finish the fight”. I’m toward the end of the arc, however, so we’ll see how it rolls.

Berserk

Holy shit Berserk. A bunch of folks told me to read this when I asked for suggestions on twitter. I saw the cover art and was like “ok guy with big sword in a dark fantasy world, neat”. Wasn’t sure if it said more about the people who suggested it, or more about me that they thought I’d like it. I was also deeply nervous about dark fantasy after my fiasco with Goblin Slayer. But I went with it and gave the first volume a read and HOLY SMOKES. What a damn read. Not only does the story have me hooked, but also, it is GORGEOUS. It is dark. It is moody. It is occasionally humorous. But its STYLE just grabs me in a way that is reminiscent of the old Spawn comics from my youth. I immediately ordered more and I can’t wait.

Fairy Tail

Just finished the lullaby arc and now we are deep into the Deliora arc with the Cold Emperor. It’s really been fun to see how the manga differs from the anime. The anime was my first true shonen experience and a story that I credit with having saved my life, so I had high expectations coming into this. I’m happy to say that thus far, the manga of Fairy Tail is worth every bit of attention that the anime received. Can’t wait to keep going.

Fruits Basket

Fruits Basket is fucking precious and if you come at these characters I swear to god I will come back at you. *deep breath* Okay. Settle. This is a positively lovely story, centered in positivity, kindness, and found family. Each character is working through trauma in their own imperfect way, and I adore their journeys. You can tell the story was penned by a deeply vulnerable human and I can’t thank them enough for having the courage to share it. Read this manga- and then go see the equally gorgeous anime.

Eden’s Zero

Written and drawn by the same crew who did Fairy Tail, it wouldn’t be inaccurate to call it Fairy Tail In Space. That said, volume 1 gave me just enough to get curious again about where Mashima is heading with his latest creative opus- and whether it will cross over with his wildly successful Fairy Tail universe. And yes, in case the above panel wasn’t enough of a cue- Mashima and co. can still play my heart for tears like no one’s business and it’s damn rude. 

 Sailor Moon

I love the Sailor Moon anime. I think it’s an adorable show with deeply relatable characters that approaches the monster of the week format with an effectiveness that would make even Buffy the Vampire Slayer jealous. The manga is just as wonderful- not to mention beautifully drawn. Volume 1 also works much, much faster than the show does, and I dare say it is better for it.

VIDYA GAMES

Warzone

I’m just seven levels out from completing my third battlepass straight. I’m going to try the Black Ops alpha this week. I’ve played Warzone a whole lot less lately, dedicating my evenings to reading manga, napping, or watching wrestling with pals instead, but it still remains my favorite shooter at this time.

Cities: Skylines

I started a new city last week. It’s a shithole industrial city on a desert map. I had to set my sewer drainage in a manmade lake outside of town that quickly overflowed. At one point the sewage flood disabled my powerplants which in turn caused my entire town of 8k to flee. I went into 3 million in debt while waiting for the town to rebound. I came out of it eventually, repopulating the town to the tune of well over 11k, and restoring my budget surplus, but it was a huge fucking ordeal. I love this game.

Yakuza 0

After chapter 1 of Yakuza 0 I was ready to write this game off. The camera angles pissed me off. The fight commands felt simplistic. The story was boring. But as I thought back to my experience of chapter 1, I realized that it more closely resembled some of my favorite action film sequences than I had initially realized. Did the button mashing make my wrists beg for mercy? Absolutely. Was it satisfying to overcome an absurd amount of enemies using little more than my x button and my wits? Also yes. And did those fights build on each other to create a sense of violent urgency as I propelled myself toward the “boss”? Definitely yes. And then you leave chapter 1 and get your run of a map that includes karaoke bars, Sega arcades and ramen shops- and yes, you better believe that I spent way too much time playing Sega’s Outrun. While jogging between shops and minigames random mobs of enemies pop up and try to start shit with you- much as they might in a JRPG. In fact, the game itself has a lot of RPG elements in it- stat boosts and inventory management and even a relationship meter. The more time I put in, the more the game opens up. I’m going to keep giving Yakuza 0 a shot for as long as that continues to be the case. Also, it is a perfect option to play as a streamed game on my phone.

Mario 64

Can you believe I’ve never played Mario 64? Seems embarrassing to admit now. So here I am, many, many years late to the party. I’ll let y’all know how I like it. So far...I’m already lost on the first course, so...hopefully things pick up.

Sky

Sky has been a bizarre experience. It’s the latest game from That Game Company, their previous work including Journey and Flower. Sky has that same aimless charm, but I also just can’t get into it to save my life. It’s free-to-play, but abstractly so- I’m not sure what the paid content even really does. I have a few friends on Sky- they typically have to drag me to the places they want to go. There’s nothing at stake in the world of sky- there are spirits you can free and content you can unlock, and occasionally you do encounter foes who pose a danger to you, but for the most part it’s basically a fetch quest with social elements added in. I appreciate those social experiences, and the community seems very chill, but it’s also a bit of a stress to log in and have everyone flock to you demanding your attention and time.  Also, this game is only playable on my mobile phone, which I am not used to gaming on, so...focus is limited. I mostly just vibe on the starter island and talk to acquaintances. 

Music

Powfu

DJ Blyatman

fawlin x Naits

Josh A

Tekken 7 OST

gothurted

Beast in Black

Battle Beast

Legos

Hey! I’m doing legos! That seems like a totally normal hobby to have at my age...yeah. Totally.

Anyway, I’m working on the Pirates of Barracuda Bay set. It’s about 3k pieces. It’s been a fun build so far! Here’s my progress...

WRASTLIN

Yes, I’m still watching wrestling. I usually get an episode or two in every week with my pals on discord. It’s not as many as I’d like to watch, but it’s for the best. If my viewing wasn’t forcibly tempered I’d have likely lost the past few months entirely to wrestling. And as you might have guessed from above, I’m someone who is happiest when their hobbies are varied and numerous. 

I’m in June of 1999 of the WWF storyline. Undertaker is the heavyweight champ, the Acolytes hold the tag belts, Jeff Jarrett has the intercontinental title belt and Owen Hart just died. King of the Ring is less than a week away. My friends and I have filled out brackets. I’m very excited to see who, if any of us, ends up being right about the winner. 

SPORTS???

I gave baseball the old college try. I ended up giving up. It just isn’t the escape I need. Something about those empty stadiums and players half-wearing masks and the shortened games just throws me off. I don’t feel at ease watching baseball in 2020. When I first got into baseball back in 2014 or so, it was because I was sick and baseball promised an illusion of normalcy- I could watch the rest of the world function in relative stability and hope that someday I too could join them. Now it’s the rest of the world that’s sick, and I’m relatively well, and all baseball can do for me in 2020 is remind me that I’m damn lucky I’m as well as I am, and that if I’m careless (or just plain unlucky) that I’ll be pretty sick to.

So where did I turn for competitive entertainment?

Well, there was wrestling, to be sure, but the real joy I’ve found is at SpriteClub.

The quick pitch- people just like you or me create fighters in M.U.G.E.N., a 2-D fighting game engine. These fighters, or sprites, are guided by AI, also designed by people like you and I. Think of it like a gundam and its pilot. They’re tossed into a pool with a whole bunch of other community creations and left to duke it out while the viewers bet fake money on the winners.

You would think that the idea might only appeal to gambling junkies and fighting game addicts, but the truth is this eclectic channel has a much wider appeal than one might initially give it credit for. 

For one, its catalogue of fighters includes everything from pop culture superheroes to obscure anime characters to widely shared memes. It is almost impossible to not find a character you’ll have some sense of loyalty to.

Beyond that, the crowd that populates the chat is courteous, kind, and downright educational- a remarkable mix for anywhere gamers populate. It’s a relatively small community, so the channel takes the feeling of an intimate corner bar. If you enter the chat respecting the chill and willing to listen, you will learn a great deal not just about the fighters, but about how the genre of 2D fighter works as a whole.

Perhaps the most enjoyable part of SpriteClub is the exhibitions feature, which allows you to request custom matches with your favorite characters, which play out on the Twitch stream for others to view and bet on.  Although often chaotic, the exhibition mode is home to a number of long-running series set up my stream regulars. These series take on a life and lore of their own that is frankly fascinating. Think of it like a more frenetic video game karaoke. Yes, picking good fighters is a goal, but so is finding a good angle for the match- the right level of humor, the right pairing of unlikely characters, and set-up for matches that are competitive, as opposed to predictable stomps. 

I’ve never jumped into a Twitch channel as a regular before. I’ve never subbed to anything on Twitch before. The gamer community as a whole has always been one that’s left a bad taste in my mouth, rightfully so. But SpriteClub has been a lovely brightspot and proof that kind and informative gaming communities can and do continue to exist. I foresee myself being a regular viewer for some time to come.

And that’s it!

That’s pretty much everything I can think of sharing at this time! I hope y’all enjoyed it. As you can tell, I’ve done my best to keep busy. Hopefully I’ll have even more to share with you all in the immediate future. Until then, thanks for reading, and keep well!

[faithlovealyssa]

5 Year Recap: Love Remains the Same

Five years later and here we are making a full circle, back to where we started.If you would have asked me five years ago where my life would be at right now, I don’t know what I would have told you, but I know it wouldn’t have been anything close to what is actually going on right now.

Quick recap: when I started this blog, I was madly in love with my high school sweetheart, Jason. I ruined our relationship by showing interest in another person (which was honestly for the best because I have learned so much about myself since then). By the time I fully committed to Jason being my only choice, it was much too late. I broke his heart and when I tried to put the pieces back together, he wouldn’t let me anywhere near them.

After losing my mom in 2012, I decided to take some time off of going to college to figure out my priorities. I have regrets about making this choice, but shit happens and you don’t dwell... you put on your big girl pants and move the fuck on. After dating a total loser named James my senior year of high school, I broke up with him, and decided to focus on myself. For almost four years now, I’ve managed to stay single (excluding sex obviously [I said I needed to focus on myself not punish myself, judge me jeez]). This may not seem like a big deal... but four whole years single is a major accomplishment for me.

Anyways, after having a huge falling out with my dad in September 2015, I moved in with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. It was a bittersweet choice to move away from my dad, but I honestly think it’s the smartest decision I ever made to save the little bit of relationship we have left. Even though I moved 30 minutes further from my job, I continued to work at the Tilted Kilt in Joliet. I met some of the best friends I ever could have asked for there. I also met a guy there, Bobby. The moment I laid eyes on this guy I knew he was 100% my type (a complete fuck boy that loves to play games). After getting to know him better, I boldly *girl power* gave him my phone number without him even asking (who the fuck am I and what have I done with myself? LIKE FOR REAL, GO ME!!) The more time I spent with Bobby, the more infatuated I became with him. I thought about him all the time and got so comfortable with him so quick, I almost didn’t know how to act. He was the total package, fine as fuck (and I mean FINE like for real GOD DAMN), tatted (tatted), funny, older, interested in the same things as me, a cop (can you say sexy?!), and only lived 20 minutes from me (can you say convenient??). He was all around perfect, EXCEPT he was missing one key trait... he didn’t even for one millisecond give a flying fuck about me at all. He loved being with me, and taking me places and showing me off, and you guessed it.. he LOVED fucking me, but not once did he ever look at me and make me feel like all the time I had been investing wasn’t going to waste. And the reason behind that is because it was. Once I finally took off the blinders and popped the stupid bubble I was walking around in, I came to my senses and ended things. I won’t lie, it was hard.. fuck it was really hard. But it was the right thing to do and I know I am better because of it. 

In June of 2016 I moved into my very first apartment, paid for completely by me. (I am currently patting myself on the back for this one) I have one roommate, Katelyn, who at times [always] made living with her very difficult. BUT in May of 2017 I will be moving with my bestfriend Lily (oh beeteedubs forgot to mention I got myself a dog in December of 2016) to CHICAGO!!! I am more than excited for a fresh start and also full of pride for being able to push myself to make my dreams come true.

With all of these changes that have taken place over the years, you would think that everything is different, and for the most part this is true, but one thing that’s still the same... FIVE. YEARS. LATER. - Jason.

You’ve heard time and time again that every time he comes home, we somehow (almost) always end up hooking up, then he leaves again and I’m heartbroken for the 8657876473684th time (lowkey this number probably isn’t too far off, I’ve had my heart broken by Jason more times than I thought possible). Well this Christmas was the LAST straw (do you believe me?). SO before he even came home we both decided to put all of our differences aside for the sake of our sanity at social events (we still have all the same friends) and just because it was the mature thing to do. After we worked out the kinks, I was thrilled, this was the first time since EVER that we actually had a stable foundation for a friendship to actually form. When he first came home for Christmas break he met me and a bunch of my friends out at the bars one night and would you believe it... It couldn’t have gone better. It was as if we had been friends for years. My friends were shocked (I mean obviously because they’ve heard about how we can barely even be in the same room without biting each other’s head off) they couldn’t believe how well the night had went and quite frankly, neither could I. But of course, all good things must come to an end. Not even a whole week later all of my friends got together on December 23rd to have an ugly Christmas sweater party. From the moment I walked in the door I thought I had the fucking plague or that the holiday mules were making me invisible because I swear it’s like I wasn’t even there. Hours later I get word that Jason’s doing “Jason” things per usual and is proclaiming he can “have Alyssa whenever he wants”. Well, I REALLLLLY hope he wasn’t planning on getting laid after that party because he could not have picked a worse day to kick a girl when she’s down. I mean come on, CHRISTMAS FUCKIN EVE, of all the days he had to pick Christmas fuckin’ Eve. I felt a piece of my heart crumble up and break off after that, because that, in my book, is what I consider a low fucking blow. After some *choice* words, I made myself abundantly clear that the last time I saw him was the very last time I ever wanted to see him and he heard me loud and clear.

The first month passed and I was so proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not forgiving Jason when [clearly] he didn’t deserve anymore forgiveness. I gotta admit tho, this one stung different than the other times. It really felt like he did this one to ensure I would really be hurting this time, that the pain would stick. Well fuck Jason, this pain stuck. About two months later, I was at his house visiting with his mom (for just a few minutes) and right as I was walking out the door there comes Jason (and no I wasn’t seeing things) walking down the stairs. I swear to God in my past life I must have been a terrible person because God just loves to punish me. When I saw his face, my heart dropped into my stomach and I was at a loss for words. So I quickly said hello and practically ran out the door. Two days later I got a “Jason” apology, genuine as all hell and late as fuck at night (drunk? probably *rolls eyes*). So what did I do? 

Option 1: Melted like putty in his hands and forgave him [ugh typical Alyssa]

Option 2: Accepted the apology but stuck to my word and continued to ask him to leave me alone [not. a. chance.]

Oh but I did follow through with option 2!! Five years is plenty of time to teach yourself some lessons, so I decided to try a different approach to a reoccurring issue and see if I could get some different results. Well guess what?! A few days after new and improved Alyssa decided to take over, Gabriella calls to tell me she has been waiting since NEW YEARS EVE to see me in person and tell me while Jason was drunk as fuck he basically poured his heart out about me to her.

CAN I JUST ASK IN WHAT LAND ANYBODY THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO KEEP INFORMATION THIS IMPORTANT FROM ME FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS?!?! After a deep breath and a blunt, I realized it had already been five fuckin years what’s a couple more months? But almost immediately after this information was revealed to me, I was recanting every word I said to Jason and telling him I needed to talk to him face to face. He agreed and decided we would see each other when he came back from his deployment... in October (ok fine what’s eight more months when it’s already been five years?)

HA HA HA.. I said MOST things in my life changed, not that hell froze over and heaven gave me patience. I decided I couldn’t wait any more so I booked myself a flight to sunny California so we can settle this one way or another, once and for all.

I’ve spent the last three weeks thinking about what I can say to get him to open up and allow himself to be vulnerable around me, and for as well as I know him (which is sometimes better than he knows himself) I keep coming up short. I want to reiterate that I KNOW the cycle of hurting each other started with me hurting him. It started when I made him feel like he was not enough. But I also want to clarify that even though I may not have realized it at the time, I am fully aware now of just how much he loved me. That if he could give me his entire heart and half of somebody else’s, it still wouldn’t measure up. I need him to know that he is the only person I will ever be capable of giving 100% of myself to, because there is a part of me that I will never be able to get back because I gave it to him. He’s got to know that Jason is not “Jason” without Alyssa. And that no matter how often the world around us is changing, this love remains the same. 

[quizmeghan]

#13

1. What is your middle name? Sharleen. 2. Do you have any nicknames that aren’t derived from your actual name? I don’t. 2. Do you have any allergies? i’m allergic to msg that’s in most Chinese takeaway foods - not diagnosed or anything, but I cannot eat more than a few bites without feeling sick, shaky and sweaty, which generally takes away the enjoyment haha. 4. What is the longest your hair has ever been? above the bottom of my back. 5. How well can you write in cursive? I've been told I have really nice, neat handwriting, and I like writing in cursive, so I suppose quite well. 6. Name one item on your bucket list. I want to visit New York at Christmas time. 7. Have you ever been on a blind date? never. 8. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it? I have an atl tshirt from their gig in 2009 but I don’t wear it anymore. 9. How often do you eat out at a fancy restaurant? before this i’d eat out at normal restaurants about once or twice a month, but never really FANCY places. 10. How grammatically correct are you when you text? i’m quite bad for being really grammatically correct, and autocorrect usually changes shortcuts for me as well. 11. Can you drive stick? I love getting to a certain question in these things then realising it was written by an American haha; yes I can drive stick. 12. What foreign country would you most like to visit and why? I've been to both italy and spain, but italy was around venice so i’d like to visit rome, and the last time i was in Barcelona i was about 7 or 8 years old, so i’d like to go there as an adult. 13. Nutella or peanut butter? Nutella!!! 14. At what age did you have your first kiss? like, 19. 15. DC or Marvel? please; marvel. 16. Have you ever hosted a wild party? no, and if you knew me you’d know why that’s so funny to me. 17. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it? harry potter and the deathly hallows by she who shall not be named; and yes, i’d recommend the story but not the author. 18. How many of your Facebook friends do you actually hang with? legit, 4 or 5 at most. 19. Have you ever donated blood? i’m not allowed to, but I would if I could. 20. From 1-10, how much do you like decorating for holidays? 20! 21. Coffee or tea? if I had to pick; tea. 22. What is your go-to Starbucks drink? their strawberries and cream frappuccino drink, that’s always nice haha. 23. Last show you binge watched? me and my mum just finished seasons 1-5 of how to get away with murder on Netflix, and I accidentally spoiled s6 for myself by reading one of the actors insta’s. we can’t get s6 yet so I need to wait for Netflix, gdi. 24. Dogs or cats? dogs. 25. Favorite animated Disney character? Rapunzel is my fave. 26. Have you ever cooked a big family meal by yourself? yeah, I love cooking. 27. Favorite winter activity? ohhh, visiting Christmas markets. 28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone? a few times. 29. Can you blow a bubble gum bubble? yep. 30. How early in the year do you start celebrating Christmas? outwardly? as soon as my household allows it, but inwardly? October 31st after our work disco’s are finished hahah. 31. What emoji best describes your life right now? the facepalm one, the see no evil monkey one, the crying one and the crying laughing one. 32. Are you fluent in more than one language? I know a bit of French but i’m not fluent. 33. What is the longest you’ve ever kept a New Year’s resolution? I don’t even make them anymore haha. 34. Have you ever successfully been on a diet? Did you gain any of the weight back? no haha. 35. Are any of your grandparents still alive? my dad’s mum is still alive, but I don’t speak to her. 36. How good are you at communicating through facial expressions? very good. 37. Have you ever gotten a commercial jingle stuck in your head? all. the. time. 38. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was over? no and I take pride in that fact, despite actualy sitting through the newest fuckin’ blade runner movie. 39. Do you consider rapping singing? it’s a form of it, yes. 40. Does your home have a fireplace? yes. not a real one though haha. 41. Favorite non-chocolate candy? ooft… the only thing I can think of is peach heart gums. i’m not really a gum/candy sort of person. 42. If you could have only one superpower, what would you want and why? invisibility - you could literally sneak in anywhere. 43. Have you ever locked your keys in your car? nope. 44. Do you listen to any religious music? no. 45. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite? diet irn bru is my fave, but I do like a draught diet coke or pepsi max. but they have to be draught. 46. What was your ACT score? idek what that could be. 47. Rice or quinoa? basmati rice, mmm. 48. From 1-10, how good of a driver do you consider yourself? like, an 8 or 9. 49. Do you like horror movies? I love them but I also hate them. 50. How easily do you cry? all it takes is a tv advert really. 51. Do you have any tattoos? If so, of what and where? I have a lily on my right thigh, an anchor on my left wrist, pawprints just above my right ankle, and on the top of my left calf I have a butterfly, and my right is a wasp. 52. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing? if it’s a night in, eating pizza and chilling or a night out also eating pizza in one of our fave bars and then going to our fave club after haha. 53. Can you handle spicy foods? What is your spice limit? I can handle sort of moderate spice but nothing too hot. 54. Can you play any musical instruments? If so, which ones? in school I took lessons for guitar, bass, keyboard and vocals in school but don’t anymore. 55. Are you more introverted or extroverted? I N T R O V E R T. 56. Last CD you bought? wake up sunshine by all time low. 57. Do you like roller coasters? LOVE them. I was in the car earlier and we were on the motorway so I shut my eyes and pretended I was in a theme park hahaha. disclaimer: I was not driving the car. 58. What day of the week is laundry day for you? whenever I need to do it. 59. Have you ever played spin the bottle? i have, but we played it as truth or dare, not having to kiss the person it lands on. 60. How long have you known your best friend? 15 years. 61. Can you eat using chopsticks? i can but it takes me forever and it’s an embarrassing time for all involved. 62. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer? If so, what are they of?  no, i’m too anal to ‘ruin’ the look. 63. How often do you say y'all? only ironically. 64. Favorite flavor of ice cream? depends on the day, usually just vanilla or maybe raspberry ripple. i love mint chocolate chip too though. 65. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person? hahaha, I've never been in a relationship. 66. Star Trek or Star Wars? trek (but only the new chris pine ones). 67. How good are you at math? fairly good.  68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical? in the school nativity shows when i was aged between 4-10. 69. How often do you read/pay attention to your horoscope? only if i come across it do i read it but usually just to slag it. 70. What is the shortest your hair has ever been? when my mum gave me what was nothing short of a RIDICULING bowl-cut sort of hairdo. 71. Have you ever broken any bones? never. knock wood. 72. Do you like to go fishing? nope. 73. Do you believe in evolution? yes. 74. Favorite costume you wore for Hallowen? How old were you? i’m always partial to a cat, from when i was young to now, but my favourite was a witch which i used a few years running for disco’s in work. aged 20-odds. 75. Real or fake Christmas trees? real. 76. How many pillows do you sleep with? five. my head goes on one and the rest go around and about my body. 77. Do you live in an apartment or a house? house. 78. How many of your friends are of the opposite gender? none. 79. Have you ever had a near-death experience? no. 80. How long have you been at your current job? 8 years. 81. What kind of car do you drive (year, brand, model, color)? my dads HAHA. i used to drive a silver Renault clio before i got rid of my car. 82. Have you ever been fired from a job? nope. 83. Have you ever ended a romantic relationship? i mean, i ‘went out’ with someone for like a day then ended that, but i wouldn’t call that a romantic relationship. 84. Phrase you say the most? i say the word bangin’ a lot. 85. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same gender? If so, did you like it? little pecks, not a full-on kiss though. 86. Do you eat meat at all? i do but I've gone off it more and more. 87. Do you like fast food? love it; god damn you covid. 88. Have you ever given anyone CPR? thankfully no, although i am fully trained to do so. 89. Have you ever learned to do anything from a a how-to video on YouTube? yeah, mostly like, how to braid hair etc. 90. Describe your sense of humor. dry, sarcastic, dark, self-depreciating. 92. Favorite cereal? i don’t really eat cereal much, but i do like frosties. 93. Have you ever auditioned for a reality competition show? no. 94. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show? no. 95. Do you believe in ghosts? i do. 96. Do you think there is life on other planets? i think so. 97. Have you ever given money to a street performer? i don’t remember. 98. Your deepest fear? the ocean haha. 99. Pancakes or waffles? waffles. 100. Are you still friends with anyone from high school? my only friends are my friends from high school. 101. From 1-10, how good of a dancer do you consider yourself? the lower end of that scale haha. 102. How much of a patient person are you? i’m really patient, but I've been known to lose patience quickly sometimes. 103. Do you know your IQ? no. 104. Do you own any homemade clothing? my friend knitted me a snood a few years ago for Christmas. 105. Do you own any clothes from a garage sale or a thrift store? i don’t think so. 106. Have you ever bought anything from a flea market? nope. 107. Have you ever quit a job? no, but I've been on the verge for years haha. 108. Have you ever gotten a song you dislike stuck in your head? all the time. 109. Any movie(s) you can watch over and over and over again and enjoy just as much each time? easy a, harry potter, Disney, literally any of these. 110. Have you ever gotten a TV theme song stuck in your head? yeah. 111. Have you ever skinny dipped? nope. 112. Are your birth parents together? they are. 113. Do you or have you ever worn glasses? I've been given glasses before which had the weakest prescription, but that was in the run-up to me being diagnosed as diabetic, so i reckon it was more to do with that. 114. Favorite type of cookie? milk chocolate chip. 115. Have you ever been broken up with? again, no relationship. 116. How often do you smile when getting your picture taken? all the time. i get nervous haha. 117. Have you ever accidentally dialed 911? no. 118. Oldest memory? i remember my sister being born when i was two. 119. Have you ever been the victim of a nasty prank? in school people would go about chuking those snapper fireworks, or would tape tacs to the ends of pens and stab people in their legs or arse; folk would call those pranks but i just call that stupidity. 120. How often do you snort when you laugh? not often. 121. From 1-10, how good of a singer do you consider yourself? people tell me i’m more towards an 8 but i’d say a 5 or 6. 122. Favorite Disney song? ohhh, i love i see the light from tangled, but i also really love i just can’t wait to be king from the lion king because it’s so fun. 123, Where do you see yourelf 10 years from now? hopefully finally being a teacher. 124. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type? isfj. 125. Have you ever had a fortune cookie fortune come true? well, we once went to a Chinese restaurant to celebrate me getting my degree and the fortune cookie was related to hard work paying off or something, so that’s about as true as they have ever been for me. 126. Name one thing you wish people would stop posting on social media. happy heavenly birthdays. bane of my LIFE. 127. Last musical artist you saw live? the Jonas brothers! (it should have been 5sos, but that and McFly were both rescheduled. up yours, covid). 128. Credit cards or cash? cards. 129. Favorite fandom? i flit between but i love the harry potter one. 130. What is your astrological sign? aquarius. 131. How flexible are you? i used to be soooo much more flexible. 132. Any hidden talents? i’m sort of crafty but it’s not really a hidden talent. 133. Can you surf? no and i’d hate to try it. 134. What motivates you to do well in life? i’m not really sure. 135. Your worst physical feature? all of it? 136. From 1-10, how much are you like your father? physically i look more like my dad but i act more like and get on better with my mum. 137. How lucky do you consider yourself? very. 138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasently surprised. when i guy i liked liked me back (however briefly). 139. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? never, and it’s so weird and slightly upsetting to me because my degree is in criminology. 140. What type of shoes do you wear the most? trainers. 141. Favorite summer activity? going out to parks or zoos with friends. 142. Favorite song to sing in the shower? depends on my mood! 143. Have you ever lived with a roommate you did not get along with? yeh, i moved into residential halls in uni and i didn’t speak to any of them. 144. Have you ever lived on a farm? nope. 145. Have you ever kept a diary or a journal?  when i was younger. 146. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most? anything Disney, or shrek. 147. How often do you get mad at yourself? a lot. 148. Have you ever gotten any stitches? no. 149. Have you ever been hunting? NO. 150. Favorite YouTube channel? i don’t really watch youtube. 151. Have you ever had a pet besides a dog or a cat? we’ve had fish, hamsters, rabbits, birds and gerbils as well as cats and dogs. 152. From 1-10, how well do you work with others? 8 or 9. 153. Are you friends with any of your exes? i have no exes. 154. Apple or PC? pc (but apple for phones). 155. Do you collect anything? concert tickets. 156. Have you ever seen any Broadway plays or musicals? not actually on broadway, but I've seen the lion king in Edinburgh and the cursed child parts 1 and 2 in London. 157. Any missed opporunites you wish you had taken? yep. 158. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag? yes haha. 159. Do you have a pool at your house? no, it’s Scotland, we’d freeze to death. 160. What is the longest you’ve gone without sleep? two and a bit days. 161. Last thing that made you laugh? question 159. 162. Disney or Nickelodeon? Disney. 163. Name one celebrity you wish was still alive. alan Rickman. 164. From 1-10, how much are you like your mother? physically, not much, but i’m more like her in personality. 165. Your best physical feature? eyes (or eye, seeing as one can’t really be counted as functioning at the moment). 166. Earbud or earmuff headphones? bud. anything else infects my piercings haha. 167. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? i think most people might have thought it when they were younger, cos i did, but not truly. i know that can be a difficult idea for some to deal with. 168. Do you have any piercings anywhere besides your ear lobes? I've got three helix piercings. 169. How often do you wash your hair? I've tried to do it less over lockdown because i wash it too much, but i used to wash it every two days. 170. Showers or baths? showers! baths mean you’re just soaking in your own dirt. i only take baths if i’m in a lot of pain, and even if i do, i have to take a shower immediately after. 171. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman? I've been a bridesmaid once. 172. Bottled or tap water? i’m not fussed, but prefer bottled. 173. What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid? i loved tots tv and barney. 174. Any guilty pleasures you’re willing to discuss? nothing that i can think of, i openly love cheesy shit. 175. Favorite video game? i don’t play them now but i used to love crash bandicoot and spyro the dragon. 176. Have you ever gotten a New Year’s kiss exactly at midnight? nope. 177. How many of the United States have you visited? one - florida, two years ago, and we literally didn’t leave the Disney bubble. 178. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? i think so. 179. Have you ever gotten a surgery? a couple. 180. Your least favorite food? turnip and potato mashed together, YUCK. 181. From 1-10, how competitive are you? maybe 3 or 4. 182. Do you like wearing hats? i don’t suit them. 183. How much of a jealous peron are you? not really jealous at all. 184. What was your SAT score? not relevanttt. 185. Have you ever voted for a reality competition show? yeah but only the free ones haha. 186. Does anyone in your family currently serve in your country’s military? nope. 187. Snowboarding or skiing? I've been skiing once before on a fake ramp and i prefer the idea of two skis to one skateboard. 188. What celebrity would you most want to play you in a movie about your life? emma stone or anna Kendrick. 189. Have you ever been a Boy or Girl Scout? i was a brownie. 190. Have you ever dyed your hair? since i was 9 years old. 191. From 1-10, how good of a cook do you consider yourself? 7 or 8. 192. You have just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit? google. 193. How many things can you do with your weaker hand? what sort of question is that? hahaha. 194. Were you involved in any academic clubs in high school? nope. 195. Have you ever played hooky from school? yes, but with my mums permission so idk if that really counts as playing hooky. there was also one time that i literally walked out because i was so stressed and sad but i went back under an hour later lol. 196. Are you comfortable with watching rated R movies? yep. 197. Do you root for any sports teams? nope. 198. First thing you do when you wake up in the morning? check my phone then take my insulin. 199. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which one would you choose? a giraffe. 200. Tell something about yourself most people don’t know. no because i’m lazy and i just answered 199 questions about myself.

#13 #quiz #source: tumblr

[relationshipadviser-blog]

5 Petty Quirks That Become Relationship Killers Over Time

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/5-petty-quirks-that-become-relationship-killers-over-time/

5 Petty Quirks That Become Relationship Killers Over Time

Love can happen at any time, and it (or at least infatuation/lust) can make you immune to a hell of a lot of weird behavior. There are so many petty, insignificant things you’re willing to overlook in that honeymoon period of a relationship that, when the honeymoon is over, will set you more on edge than waking up with a spider webbing your nostrils shut. Things that may mean nothing today but could very well be the grounds to end your relationship tomorrow.

5

Food Failings

When you first start seeing someone, a food quirk is nothing. Hell, in some cases, it may even be adorable. “I love the way you pick all the sprinkles off of your doughnut and eat them one at a time.” “Oh, you like to eat Chef Boyardee three meals a day? Well, that’ll make shopping easy!”

Having a well-developed palate is really only important during one week of filming on Hell’s Kitchen when Gordon Ramsay makes you eat stuff blindfolded while screaming about what a donkey you are. Beyond that, it’s reasonable to know and appreciate the difference between a fish like branzino and, say, the severed foot of a longshoreman. One’s eating habits and appreciation for food are so far down the list of important things to care about that an “I’m good with anything” person doesn’t even register on your “something’s wrong” detector.

But After a While…

Read Next

5 Rights That New Adults Think They Have On The Job

I’m a fairly decent cook. So much so that I actually typed “chef” here at first, then erased it because I smoke pork roasts in my boxer shorts while drinking alcoholic root beer. But I can make a meal that’s fairly tasty and that’s all that matters. But I still feel that twinge in my spine when I have to ask someone what they want, and they refuse to commit to anything beyond “Whatever you’re having is good.” My ex, a person for whom I have no empirical evidence that they were human and not a lizard in a woman-suit, would constantly say she wanted “whatever” and then elect to eat nothing after I prepared an entire meal. Then an hour later would make a box of macaroni and cheese because she was starving.

You can only coast for so long on the “whatever” wave when it comes to eating. Because you need to eat every day, several times. It means nothing during a dating period (or courting, if you’re fancy like me). That’s the time when you go to a restaurant and you pick your arbitrary choice from a list and someone else makes it. You’ll both have the pig liver in chocolate sauce, sounds great!

When you’ve settled in to a relationship, the gloves come off. When they were putting their best foot forward by being agreeable to anything before, now they just want to be happy. They want to eat a whole pizza to themselves, or toast for four days straight, or they need the kid at McDonald’s to make them a burger with three pickles, 22 onion pieces, a dab of vanilla shake in the center of the ketchup, and all the fries need to face east. It’s at this point you start thinking “What the fuck side of a fry is the face?”

It’s not so much the individual food choices — a passion for Hot Pockets or ketchup on a steak — it’s that this person is now showing a side you’ve never seen before, and he or she is coming across as if nothing is ever good enough for them. Your effort is wasted and they don’t respect the time or work you put into trying to make them happy, to engage in what a lot of people consider one of the most basic and obvious forms of caring for another person: nourishing and feeding them. Instead they shit on it and wipe their ass on a corn dog, which is not how corn dogs work, let me assure you.

4

Missing Social Cues

There’s a really refreshing quality to being with someone who has a different way of viewing the world. Maybe they’re more brazen and bold while you’re conservative, or perhaps they’re contemplative and thoughtful in the face of your rash adventurousness. It’s the whole “opposites attract” thing that I once heard a cartoon cat and an American Idol judge singing about. Most of us don’t necessarily want to be with someone just like us, so someone who can challenge the way we approach the world is welcome and exciting. Yes, new person, I will get naked with you on this beach and dance on rocks while old people watch us. This is what my life has been missing!

But After a While…

Even a breath of fresh air can sometimes sour if the room gets filled with dog farts. Your partner’s tendency to yell “Fuck my face with a tire iron!” every time they taste a really good sandwich will start making you uncomfortable at the mall food court eventually. And it’s all well and good to say you don’t care what other people think, but come on. This is me, don’t treat me like a silly tit. I know you care about what other people think and as well you should. I do too because I don’t want to be the guy walking through Wal-mart in a pair of stained underpants drinking Robitussin and swearing at the produce. That guy is a creep and doesn’t get to meet fun, new people.

You care what people think, and if your partner is embarrassing you on a regular basis, that’s stressful as shit. Your partner can do something as simple as stopping in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store so other people can’t move past, or using their cellphone during a movie in a theater, or masturbating on the bus. These kinds of things make your pulse race a little at first because they’re not what you’d do. But later in a relationship they make your pulse race because they’re not what you want anyone doing. If there’s no happy medium between what you think is proper decorum for public behavior and what they think is proper, the tension will continue to mount.

This can even work in the opposite way. Maybe you’re the outgoing one and they become some kind of shitty Public Person robot who acts self-consciously around others, changing the way they speak and the kinds of jokes they tell. Maybe they do it because they’re adjusting to new personalities. Maybe they’re pandering to a crowd. My lizard ex was one of those people who would get with friends and explain not seeing them in a while with quips like “I get stuck doing all the boring shit this guy likes to do” in reference to me. Ha ha! I get it, I’m a dickhead you were sentenced by a judge to endure! Funny!

Your tolerance for someone who can’t act normal in public has a lifespan, and it’s very intimately related to the number of times you have to go out in public with them. Eventually it’s going to lead to resentment and, if I learned anything from Yoda, it’s that this is a definite path to either the Dark Side or Hayden Christensen’s acting, and you want no part of either.

3

Being Possessive — No, Not That Kind Of Possessive

One of the strangest things to adjust to in a relationship is the concept of going from a me to a we. It’s not you anymore, it’s us. We do things, we make decisions together, we own things together. It makes sense in the beginning that you’re not used to this. I mean, up until that moment, you were single. Or you were if you’re not an asshole.

But let’s say that you move in together and you buy yourself a nice ham. You put it in the fridge for later. You come back that evening to celebrate Ham Time, and GASP! It’s gone. Your first instinct is “DID YOU FUCKING EAT MY FUCKING HAM??” But man, that ham ain’t your ham anymore. You put it in “our” fridge. That’s our ham. We ate it. Without you. Because we’re in this ham game together now.

But After a While…

If you can’t adopt a “we” attitude, you don’t really belong in a relationship. You’re together as a pair, and that selfishness is not going to fly. The day very well may come, when they have a nice slice of key lime pie and you’re looking at that pie thinking “I could use a bite of that pie.” And so you ask for the pie and they look at you the way a lion looks at a gazelle when it manages to get across a river to safety, that “fuck you and your entire lineage” look. If you want pie, you know where the fuckin’ pie shop is. Why don’t you sashay your pretty ass down there and buy all the pies you can handle?

No one expects a partner to give up a kidney or liver or anything during a relationship. But for God’s sake, not everything has to be yours all the time. If they were putting on an unselfish front at the beginning, and all these little things start popping up like that passive-aggressive “What happened to the last can of Fresca?” shit when they know damn well you’re the only other person in the house so you must have drank that delicious Fresca, you’re going to start feeling like you’re not with the same person anymore. You expected someone who, if not entirely generous, was at least reasonable. And now, suddenly, they aren’t.

My ex had a running tally of everything she contributed to our relationship and wanted back which I didn’t find out about until after we broke up. This included the dishes, the shower curtain and that mat you put at the base of the toilet. That pee-spattered, half shag ode to poor aim and Hans Gruberesque droplets that hold on as long as they can before tumbling to their demise amidst its fibers. No one has ever wanted one of those things when they were brand new let alone after a couple years of harrowing service at the foot of Turd Lagoon.

Selfishness ends a relationships. It has to because it’s not a singles sport like … oh, what’s a single’s sport? Bocci? Is that a thing? You know what sports are. It’s not one of those.

2

Pronunciation

Affectations of speech are kind of cute and quirky at first. Hell, we even celebrate them in children. It’s just adorable when a baby says “shit” for the first time when they’re trying to say literally any other word. When you hit adulthood and still bust out the words “berfday” or “libarry,” well, that’s a thing that takes some getting used to. The newness of the relationship still makes those mispronunciations kind of delightful. And even if you don’t think it’s cute, it’s small. You may just pause a conversation long enough to tell them that the “C” in scissors is silent and move on.

But After a While…

If you’re with someone who legitimately thinks that big, orange squash is called a “punkin” and refers to it as such every Halloween, by Halloween number four you’re going to start getting that little twitch around your eye and gritting your teeth to keep from exploding like a landmine made out of suplexes. There comes a point where you need to wrestle with the realization you may be in a relationship with a dullard. And not just a hapless dullard, a committed dullard who, even with repeated corrections, will not undull themselves.

I once knew someone who continually called deodorant “derodorant.” I don’t know why. I don’t know what they thought the word meant, or how it related to actually deodorizing things. Was it in their minds de-roderant, and roder was a thing you needed to get rid of? Or was it der-orderant and der somehow vanquished stank? I can’t say. The one time I asked what deroderant meant, they looked at me like I was the idiot for not knowing. Because they didn’t get it, and that’s what’s infuriating about someone who doesn’t know they don’t know something.

From the other perspective, they may not have the linguistics game down but at least they’re not an asshole. No one likes to be corrected, we’re not grade schoolers here. The situation feeds off itself — one person can’t figure out that there’s an “r” in brisket and the other can’t quit pointing out that there is until you both hate interacting with one another because your partner is either making you constantly feel like a dullard or they’re making you feel like they just love being one. Neither of these feelings are a good way to foster any kind of positive emotion so expect the whole thing to fall apart pretty quickly.

1

Netflix Etiquette

The great thing about Netflix is not just the micro-budget horror movies produced in countries you’ve never even heard of, it’s the ability to make an entire day of sitting and staring while simultaneously calling it “couples time.” You can binge-watch Stranger Things and never move a muscle, and that’s an entire date night. Good work, team!

This etiquette extends to anything you do as a couple, anything involving even the slightest group effort, such as the kind you exert by both sitting on a sofa and looking at a TV together.

But say one of you has to work tomorrow and one of you doesn’t, so you get to the episode when Barb gets monster shanked and you call it a night, you down a few shots of Robitussin to keep the night terrors at bay, you give your crotch a quick spritz in the sink and it’s off to bed. Next morning you get up and- FUCK A DUCK! They’re on the episode where they find Barb’s monster-shanked corpse farting up that shitty slug baby in the woods. What gives?

But After a While…

This kind of self-centered thinking tends to fester. And Netflix is really just a placeholder here, standing in for anything that represents the idea of you two as a couple: going shopping together, meeting up with friends, setting old barns on fire. You do these things only partially because you need to do them, and partially because you want to do them with that other person. That’s how it’s supposed to work, anyway.

When someone disregards the couples aspect, when they finish a movie on their own, when they go buy that new set of decorative cat armor on their own, it’s like saying your half of the relationship is only relevant when they want to put the time and effort into including you. And you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, either. Watching it together later is always less satisfying, it’s like a pity watch. And it’s made so much worse if they’re the sort of person who will randomly say “Oh man, this is a good part, watch this!” like they’re now your helpful guide to how TV works.

If you can’t be considerate of your partner on even a basic level, enough to hold off on your own whim long enough to include them in something you planned to do together, then you probably suck and the rest of us don’t want to watch Netflix with you. Or do anything with you because you’re shitting on the idea of couplehood. Go watch Iron Fist. Watch it twice.

Remember, if someone can’t love you at your Netflix, they don’t deserve you at your Prime Video.

Start a relationship with Ian’s Twitter and it’ll never go behind your back with Facebook.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/

[mysteriouslyzealouspandalov-blog]

5 Petty Quirks That Become Relationship Killers Over Time

New Post has been published on https://relationshipguideto.com/must-see/5-petty-quirks-that-become-relationship-killers-over-time/

5 Petty Quirks That Become Relationship Killers Over Time

Love can happen at any time, and it (or at least infatuation/lust) can make you immune to a hell of a lot of weird behavior. There are so many petty, insignificant things you’re willing to overlook in that honeymoon period of a relationship that, when the honeymoon is over, will set you more on edge than waking up with a spider webbing your nostrils shut. Things that may mean nothing today but could very well be the grounds to end your relationship tomorrow.

5

Food Failings

When you first start seeing someone, a food quirk is nothing. Hell, in some cases, it may even be adorable. “I love the way you pick all the sprinkles off of your doughnut and eat them one at a time.” “Oh, you like to eat Chef Boyardee three meals a day? Well, that’ll make shopping easy!”

Having a well-developed palate is really only important during one week of filming on Hell’s Kitchen when Gordon Ramsay makes you eat stuff blindfolded while screaming about what a donkey you are. Beyond that, it’s reasonable to know and appreciate the difference between a fish like branzino and, say, the severed foot of a longshoreman. One’s eating habits and appreciation for food are so far down the list of important things to care about that an “I’m good with anything” person doesn’t even register on your “something’s wrong” detector.

But After a While…

Read Next

5 Rights That New Adults Think They Have On The Job

I’m a fairly decent cook. So much so that I actually typed “chef” here at first, then erased it because I smoke pork roasts in my boxer shorts while drinking alcoholic root beer. But I can make a meal that’s fairly tasty and that’s all that matters. But I still feel that twinge in my spine when I have to ask someone what they want, and they refuse to commit to anything beyond “Whatever you’re having is good.” My ex, a person for whom I have no empirical evidence that they were human and not a lizard in a woman-suit, would constantly say she wanted “whatever” and then elect to eat nothing after I prepared an entire meal. Then an hour later would make a box of macaroni and cheese because she was starving.

You can only coast for so long on the “whatever” wave when it comes to eating. Because you need to eat every day, several times. It means nothing during a dating period (or courting, if you’re fancy like me). That’s the time when you go to a restaurant and you pick your arbitrary choice from a list and someone else makes it. You’ll both have the pig liver in chocolate sauce, sounds great!

When you’ve settled in to a relationship, the gloves come off. When they were putting their best foot forward by being agreeable to anything before, now they just want to be happy. They want to eat a whole pizza to themselves, or toast for four days straight, or they need the kid at McDonald’s to make them a burger with three pickles, 22 onion pieces, a dab of vanilla shake in the center of the ketchup, and all the fries need to face east. It’s at this point you start thinking “What the fuck side of a fry is the face?”

It’s not so much the individual food choices — a passion for Hot Pockets or ketchup on a steak — it’s that this person is now showing a side you’ve never seen before, and he or she is coming across as if nothing is ever good enough for them. Your effort is wasted and they don’t respect the time or work you put into trying to make them happy, to engage in what a lot of people consider one of the most basic and obvious forms of caring for another person: nourishing and feeding them. Instead they shit on it and wipe their ass on a corn dog, which is not how corn dogs work, let me assure you.

4

Missing Social Cues

There’s a really refreshing quality to being with someone who has a different way of viewing the world. Maybe they’re more brazen and bold while you’re conservative, or perhaps they’re contemplative and thoughtful in the face of your rash adventurousness. It’s the whole “opposites attract” thing that I once heard a cartoon cat and an American Idol judge singing about. Most of us don’t necessarily want to be with someone just like us, so someone who can challenge the way we approach the world is welcome and exciting. Yes, new person, I will get naked with you on this beach and dance on rocks while old people watch us. This is what my life has been missing!

But After a While…

Even a breath of fresh air can sometimes sour if the room gets filled with dog farts. Your partner’s tendency to yell “Fuck my face with a tire iron!” every time they taste a really good sandwich will start making you uncomfortable at the mall food court eventually. And it’s all well and good to say you don’t care what other people think, but come on. This is me, don’t treat me like a silly tit. I know you care about what other people think and as well you should. I do too because I don’t want to be the guy walking through Wal-mart in a pair of stained underpants drinking Robitussin and swearing at the produce. That guy is a creep and doesn’t get to meet fun, new people.

You care what people think, and if your partner is embarrassing you on a regular basis, that’s stressful as shit. Your partner can do something as simple as stopping in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store so other people can’t move past, or using their cellphone during a movie in a theater, or masturbating on the bus. These kinds of things make your pulse race a little at first because they’re not what you’d do. But later in a relationship they make your pulse race because they’re not what you want anyone doing. If there’s no happy medium between what you think is proper decorum for public behavior and what they think is proper, the tension will continue to mount.

This can even work in the opposite way. Maybe you’re the outgoing one and they become some kind of shitty Public Person robot who acts self-consciously around others, changing the way they speak and the kinds of jokes they tell. Maybe they do it because they’re adjusting to new personalities. Maybe they’re pandering to a crowd. My lizard ex was one of those people who would get with friends and explain not seeing them in a while with quips like “I get stuck doing all the boring shit this guy likes to do” in reference to me. Ha ha! I get it, I’m a dickhead you were sentenced by a judge to endure! Funny!

Your tolerance for someone who can’t act normal in public has a lifespan, and it’s very intimately related to the number of times you have to go out in public with them. Eventually it’s going to lead to resentment and, if I learned anything from Yoda, it’s that this is a definite path to either the Dark Side or Hayden Christensen’s acting, and you want no part of either.

3

Being Possessive — No, Not That Kind Of Possessive

One of the strangest things to adjust to in a relationship is the concept of going from a me to a we. It’s not you anymore, it’s us. We do things, we make decisions together, we own things together. It makes sense in the beginning that you’re not used to this. I mean, up until that moment, you were single. Or you were if you’re not an asshole.

But let’s say that you move in together and you buy yourself a nice ham. You put it in the fridge for later. You come back that evening to celebrate Ham Time, and GASP! It’s gone. Your first instinct is “DID YOU FUCKING EAT MY FUCKING HAM??” But man, that ham ain’t your ham anymore. You put it in “our” fridge. That’s our ham. We ate it. Without you. Because we’re in this ham game together now.

But After a While…

If you can’t adopt a “we” attitude, you don’t really belong in a relationship. You’re together as a pair, and that selfishness is not going to fly. The day very well may come, when they have a nice slice of key lime pie and you’re looking at that pie thinking “I could use a bite of that pie.” And so you ask for the pie and they look at you the way a lion looks at a gazelle when it manages to get across a river to safety, that “fuck you and your entire lineage” look. If you want pie, you know where the fuckin’ pie shop is. Why don’t you sashay your pretty ass down there and buy all the pies you can handle?

No one expects a partner to give up a kidney or liver or anything during a relationship. But for God’s sake, not everything has to be yours all the time. If they were putting on an unselfish front at the beginning, and all these little things start popping up like that passive-aggressive “What happened to the last can of Fresca?” shit when they know damn well you’re the only other person in the house so you must have drank that delicious Fresca, you’re going to start feeling like you’re not with the same person anymore. You expected someone who, if not entirely generous, was at least reasonable. And now, suddenly, they aren’t.

My ex had a running tally of everything she contributed to our relationship and wanted back which I didn’t find out about until after we broke up. This included the dishes, the shower curtain and that mat you put at the base of the toilet. That pee-spattered, half shag ode to poor aim and Hans Gruberesque droplets that hold on as long as they can before tumbling to their demise amidst its fibers. No one has ever wanted one of those things when they were brand new let alone after a couple years of harrowing service at the foot of Turd Lagoon.

Selfishness ends a relationships. It has to because it’s not a singles sport like … oh, what’s a single’s sport? Bocci? Is that a thing? You know what sports are. It’s not one of those.

2

Pronunciation

Affectations of speech are kind of cute and quirky at first. Hell, we even celebrate them in children. It’s just adorable when a baby says “shit” for the first time when they’re trying to say literally any other word. When you hit adulthood and still bust out the words “berfday” or “libarry,” well, that’s a thing that takes some getting used to. The newness of the relationship still makes those mispronunciations kind of delightful. And even if you don’t think it’s cute, it’s small. You may just pause a conversation long enough to tell them that the “C” in scissors is silent and move on.

But After a While…

If you’re with someone who legitimately thinks that big, orange squash is called a “punkin” and refers to it as such every Halloween, by Halloween number four you’re going to start getting that little twitch around your eye and gritting your teeth to keep from exploding like a landmine made out of suplexes. There comes a point where you need to wrestle with the realization you may be in a relationship with a dullard. And not just a hapless dullard, a committed dullard who, even with repeated corrections, will not undull themselves.

I once knew someone who continually called deodorant “derodorant.” I don’t know why. I don’t know what they thought the word meant, or how it related to actually deodorizing things. Was it in their minds de-roderant, and roder was a thing you needed to get rid of? Or was it der-orderant and der somehow vanquished stank? I can’t say. The one time I asked what deroderant meant, they looked at me like I was the idiot for not knowing. Because they didn’t get it, and that’s what’s infuriating about someone who doesn’t know they don’t know something.

From the other perspective, they may not have the linguistics game down but at least they’re not an asshole. No one likes to be corrected, we’re not grade schoolers here. The situation feeds off itself — one person can’t figure out that there’s an “r” in brisket and the other can’t quit pointing out that there is until you both hate interacting with one another because your partner is either making you constantly feel like a dullard or they’re making you feel like they just love being one. Neither of these feelings are a good way to foster any kind of positive emotion so expect the whole thing to fall apart pretty quickly.

1

Netflix Etiquette

The great thing about Netflix is not just the micro-budget horror movies produced in countries you’ve never even heard of, it’s the ability to make an entire day of sitting and staring while simultaneously calling it “couples time.” You can binge-watch Stranger Things and never move a muscle, and that’s an entire date night. Good work, team!

This etiquette extends to anything you do as a couple, anything involving even the slightest group effort, such as the kind you exert by both sitting on a sofa and looking at a TV together.

But say one of you has to work tomorrow and one of you doesn’t, so you get to the episode when Barb gets monster shanked and you call it a night, you down a few shots of Robitussin to keep the night terrors at bay, you give your crotch a quick spritz in the sink and it’s off to bed. Next morning you get up and- FUCK A DUCK! They’re on the episode where they find Barb’s monster-shanked corpse farting up that shitty slug baby in the woods. What gives?

But After a While…

This kind of self-centered thinking tends to fester. And Netflix is really just a placeholder here, standing in for anything that represents the idea of you two as a couple: going shopping together, meeting up with friends, setting old barns on fire. You do these things only partially because you need to do them, and partially because you want to do them with that other person. That’s how it’s supposed to work, anyway.

When someone disregards the couples aspect, when they finish a movie on their own, when they go buy that new set of decorative cat armor on their own, it’s like saying your half of the relationship is only relevant when they want to put the time and effort into including you. And you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, either. Watching it together later is always less satisfying, it’s like a pity watch. And it’s made so much worse if they’re the sort of person who will randomly say “Oh man, this is a good part, watch this!” like they’re now your helpful guide to how TV works.

If you can’t be considerate of your partner on even a basic level, enough to hold off on your own whim long enough to include them in something you planned to do together, then you probably suck and the rest of us don’t want to watch Netflix with you. Or do anything with you because you’re shitting on the idea of couplehood. Go watch Iron Fist. Watch it twice.

Remember, if someone can’t love you at your Netflix, they don’t deserve you at your Prime Video.

Start a relationship with Ian’s Twitter and it’ll never go behind your back with Facebook.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/

[adambstingus]

5 Petty Quirks That Become Relationship Killers Over Time

Love can happen at any time, and it (or at least infatuation/lust) can make you immune to a hell of a lot of weird behavior. There are so many petty, insignificant things you’re willing to overlook in that honeymoon period of a relationship that, when the honeymoon is over, will set you more on edge than waking up with a spider webbing your nostrils shut. Things that may mean nothing today but could very well be the grounds to end your relationship tomorrow.

5

Food Failings

When you first start seeing someone, a food quirk is nothing. Hell, in some cases, it may even be adorable. “I love the way you pick all the sprinkles off of your doughnut and eat them one at a time.” “Oh, you like to eat Chef Boyardee three meals a day? Well, that’ll make shopping easy!”

Having a well-developed palate is really only important during one week of filming on Hell’s Kitchen when Gordon Ramsay makes you eat stuff blindfolded while screaming about what a donkey you are. Beyond that, it’s reasonable to know and appreciate the difference between a fish like branzino and, say, the severed foot of a longshoreman. One’s eating habits and appreciation for food are so far down the list of important things to care about that an “I’m good with anything” person doesn’t even register on your “something’s wrong” detector.

But After a While…

Read Next

5 Rights That New Adults Think They Have On The Job

I’m a fairly decent cook. So much so that I actually typed “chef” here at first, then erased it because I smoke pork roasts in my boxer shorts while drinking alcoholic root beer. But I can make a meal that’s fairly tasty and that’s all that matters. But I still feel that twinge in my spine when I have to ask someone what they want, and they refuse to commit to anything beyond “Whatever you’re having is good.” My ex, a person for whom I have no empirical evidence that they were human and not a lizard in a woman-suit, would constantly say she wanted “whatever” and then elect to eat nothing after I prepared an entire meal. Then an hour later would make a box of macaroni and cheese because she was starving.

You can only coast for so long on the “whatever” wave when it comes to eating. Because you need to eat every day, several times. It means nothing during a dating period (or courting, if you’re fancy like me). That’s the time when you go to a restaurant and you pick your arbitrary choice from a list and someone else makes it. You’ll both have the pig liver in chocolate sauce, sounds great!

When you’ve settled in to a relationship, the gloves come off. When they were putting their best foot forward by being agreeable to anything before, now they just want to be happy. They want to eat a whole pizza to themselves, or toast for four days straight, or they need the kid at McDonald’s to make them a burger with three pickles, 22 onion pieces, a dab of vanilla shake in the center of the ketchup, and all the fries need to face east. It’s at this point you start thinking “What the fuck side of a fry is the face?”

It’s not so much the individual food choices — a passion for Hot Pockets or ketchup on a steak — it’s that this person is now showing a side you’ve never seen before, and he or she is coming across as if nothing is ever good enough for them. Your effort is wasted and they don’t respect the time or work you put into trying to make them happy, to engage in what a lot of people consider one of the most basic and obvious forms of caring for another person: nourishing and feeding them. Instead they shit on it and wipe their ass on a corn dog, which is not how corn dogs work, let me assure you.

4

Missing Social Cues

There’s a really refreshing quality to being with someone who has a different way of viewing the world. Maybe they’re more brazen and bold while you’re conservative, or perhaps they’re contemplative and thoughtful in the face of your rash adventurousness. It’s the whole “opposites attract” thing that I once heard a cartoon cat and an American Idol judge singing about. Most of us don’t necessarily want to be with someone just like us, so someone who can challenge the way we approach the world is welcome and exciting. Yes, new person, I will get naked with you on this beach and dance on rocks while old people watch us. This is what my life has been missing!

But After a While…

Even a breath of fresh air can sometimes sour if the room gets filled with dog farts. Your partner’s tendency to yell “Fuck my face with a tire iron!” every time they taste a really good sandwich will start making you uncomfortable at the mall food court eventually. And it’s all well and good to say you don’t care what other people think, but come on. This is me, don’t treat me like a silly tit. I know you care about what other people think and as well you should. I do too because I don’t want to be the guy walking through Wal-mart in a pair of stained underpants drinking Robitussin and swearing at the produce. That guy is a creep and doesn’t get to meet fun, new people.

You care what people think, and if your partner is embarrassing you on a regular basis, that’s stressful as shit. Your partner can do something as simple as stopping in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store so other people can’t move past, or using their cellphone during a movie in a theater, or masturbating on the bus. These kinds of things make your pulse race a little at first because they’re not what you’d do. But later in a relationship they make your pulse race because they’re not what you want anyone doing. If there’s no happy medium between what you think is proper decorum for public behavior and what they think is proper, the tension will continue to mount.

This can even work in the opposite way. Maybe you’re the outgoing one and they become some kind of shitty Public Person robot who acts self-consciously around others, changing the way they speak and the kinds of jokes they tell. Maybe they do it because they’re adjusting to new personalities. Maybe they’re pandering to a crowd. My lizard ex was one of those people who would get with friends and explain not seeing them in a while with quips like “I get stuck doing all the boring shit this guy likes to do” in reference to me. Ha ha! I get it, I’m a dickhead you were sentenced by a judge to endure! Funny!

Your tolerance for someone who can’t act normal in public has a lifespan, and it’s very intimately related to the number of times you have to go out in public with them. Eventually it’s going to lead to resentment and, if I learned anything from Yoda, it’s that this is a definite path to either the Dark Side or Hayden Christensen’s acting, and you want no part of either.

3

Being Possessive — No, Not That Kind Of Possessive

One of the strangest things to adjust to in a relationship is the concept of going from a me to a we. It’s not you anymore, it’s us. We do things, we make decisions together, we own things together. It makes sense in the beginning that you’re not used to this. I mean, up until that moment, you were single. Or you were if you’re not an asshole.

But let’s say that you move in together and you buy yourself a nice ham. You put it in the fridge for later. You come back that evening to celebrate Ham Time, and GASP! It’s gone. Your first instinct is “DID YOU FUCKING EAT MY FUCKING HAM??” But man, that ham ain’t your ham anymore. You put it in “our” fridge. That’s our ham. We ate it. Without you. Because we’re in this ham game together now.

But After a While…

If you can’t adopt a “we” attitude, you don’t really belong in a relationship. You’re together as a pair, and that selfishness is not going to fly. The day very well may come, when they have a nice slice of key lime pie and you’re looking at that pie thinking “I could use a bite of that pie.” And so you ask for the pie and they look at you the way a lion looks at a gazelle when it manages to get across a river to safety, that “fuck you and your entire lineage” look. If you want pie, you know where the fuckin’ pie shop is. Why don’t you sashay your pretty ass down there and buy all the pies you can handle?

No one expects a partner to give up a kidney or liver or anything during a relationship. But for God’s sake, not everything has to be yours all the time. If they were putting on an unselfish front at the beginning, and all these little things start popping up like that passive-aggressive “What happened to the last can of Fresca?” shit when they know damn well you’re the only other person in the house so you must have drank that delicious Fresca, you’re going to start feeling like you’re not with the same person anymore. You expected someone who, if not entirely generous, was at least reasonable. And now, suddenly, they aren’t.

My ex had a running tally of everything she contributed to our relationship and wanted back which I didn’t find out about until after we broke up. This included the dishes, the shower curtain and that mat you put at the base of the toilet. That pee-spattered, half shag ode to poor aim and Hans Gruberesque droplets that hold on as long as they can before tumbling to their demise amidst its fibers. No one has ever wanted one of those things when they were brand new let alone after a couple years of harrowing service at the foot of Turd Lagoon.

Selfishness ends a relationships. It has to because it’s not a singles sport like … oh, what’s a single’s sport? Bocci? Is that a thing? You know what sports are. It’s not one of those.

2

Pronunciation

Affectations of speech are kind of cute and quirky at first. Hell, we even celebrate them in children. It’s just adorable when a baby says “shit” for the first time when they’re trying to say literally any other word. When you hit adulthood and still bust out the words “berfday” or “libarry,” well, that’s a thing that takes some getting used to. The newness of the relationship still makes those mispronunciations kind of delightful. And even if you don’t think it’s cute, it’s small. You may just pause a conversation long enough to tell them that the “C” in scissors is silent and move on.

But After a While…

If you’re with someone who legitimately thinks that big, orange squash is called a “punkin” and refers to it as such every Halloween, by Halloween number four you’re going to start getting that little twitch around your eye and gritting your teeth to keep from exploding like a landmine made out of suplexes. There comes a point where you need to wrestle with the realization you may be in a relationship with a dullard. And not just a hapless dullard, a committed dullard who, even with repeated corrections, will not undull themselves.

I once knew someone who continually called deodorant “derodorant.” I don’t know why. I don’t know what they thought the word meant, or how it related to actually deodorizing things. Was it in their minds de-roderant, and roder was a thing you needed to get rid of? Or was it der-orderant and der somehow vanquished stank? I can’t say. The one time I asked what deroderant meant, they looked at me like I was the idiot for not knowing. Because they didn’t get it, and that’s what’s infuriating about someone who doesn’t know they don’t know something.

From the other perspective, they may not have the linguistics game down but at least they’re not an asshole. No one likes to be corrected, we’re not grade schoolers here. The situation feeds off itself — one person can’t figure out that there’s an “r” in brisket and the other can’t quit pointing out that there is until you both hate interacting with one another because your partner is either making you constantly feel like a dullard or they’re making you feel like they just love being one. Neither of these feelings are a good way to foster any kind of positive emotion so expect the whole thing to fall apart pretty quickly.

1

Netflix Etiquette

The great thing about Netflix is not just the micro-budget horror movies produced in countries you’ve never even heard of, it’s the ability to make an entire day of sitting and staring while simultaneously calling it “couples time.” You can binge-watch Stranger Things and never move a muscle, and that’s an entire date night. Good work, team!

This etiquette extends to anything you do as a couple, anything involving even the slightest group effort, such as the kind you exert by both sitting on a sofa and looking at a TV together.

But say one of you has to work tomorrow and one of you doesn’t, so you get to the episode when Barb gets monster shanked and you call it a night, you down a few shots of Robitussin to keep the night terrors at bay, you give your crotch a quick spritz in the sink and it’s off to bed. Next morning you get up and- FUCK A DUCK! They’re on the episode where they find Barb’s monster-shanked corpse farting up that shitty slug baby in the woods. What gives?

But After a While…

This kind of self-centered thinking tends to fester. And Netflix is really just a placeholder here, standing in for anything that represents the idea of you two as a couple: going shopping together, meeting up with friends, setting old barns on fire. You do these things only partially because you need to do them, and partially because you want to do them with that other person. That’s how it’s supposed to work, anyway.

When someone disregards the couples aspect, when they finish a movie on their own, when they go buy that new set of decorative cat armor on their own, it’s like saying your half of the relationship is only relevant when they want to put the time and effort into including you. And you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, either. Watching it together later is always less satisfying, it’s like a pity watch. And it’s made so much worse if they’re the sort of person who will randomly say “Oh man, this is a good part, watch this!” like they’re now your helpful guide to how TV works.

If you can’t be considerate of your partner on even a basic level, enough to hold off on your own whim long enough to include them in something you planned to do together, then you probably suck and the rest of us don’t want to watch Netflix with you. Or do anything with you because you’re shitting on the idea of couplehood. Go watch Iron Fist. Watch it twice.

Remember, if someone can’t love you at your Netflix, they don’t deserve you at your Prime Video.

Start a relationship with Ian’s Twitter and it’ll never go behind your back with Facebook.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/10/18/5-petty-quirks-that-become-relationship-killers-over-time/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/166527050717

[samanthasroberts]

5 Petty Quirks That Become Relationship Killers Over Time

Love can happen at any time, and it (or at least infatuation/lust) can make you immune to a hell of a lot of weird behavior. There are so many petty, insignificant things you’re willing to overlook in that honeymoon period of a relationship that, when the honeymoon is over, will set you more on edge than waking up with a spider webbing your nostrils shut. Things that may mean nothing today but could very well be the grounds to end your relationship tomorrow.

5

Food Failings

When you first start seeing someone, a food quirk is nothing. Hell, in some cases, it may even be adorable. “I love the way you pick all the sprinkles off of your doughnut and eat them one at a time.” “Oh, you like to eat Chef Boyardee three meals a day? Well, that’ll make shopping easy!”

Having a well-developed palate is really only important during one week of filming on Hell’s Kitchen when Gordon Ramsay makes you eat stuff blindfolded while screaming about what a donkey you are. Beyond that, it’s reasonable to know and appreciate the difference between a fish like branzino and, say, the severed foot of a longshoreman. One’s eating habits and appreciation for food are so far down the list of important things to care about that an “I’m good with anything” person doesn’t even register on your “something’s wrong” detector.

But After a While…

Read Next

5 Rights That New Adults Think They Have On The Job

I’m a fairly decent cook. So much so that I actually typed “chef” here at first, then erased it because I smoke pork roasts in my boxer shorts while drinking alcoholic root beer. But I can make a meal that’s fairly tasty and that’s all that matters. But I still feel that twinge in my spine when I have to ask someone what they want, and they refuse to commit to anything beyond “Whatever you’re having is good.” My ex, a person for whom I have no empirical evidence that they were human and not a lizard in a woman-suit, would constantly say she wanted “whatever” and then elect to eat nothing after I prepared an entire meal. Then an hour later would make a box of macaroni and cheese because she was starving.

You can only coast for so long on the “whatever” wave when it comes to eating. Because you need to eat every day, several times. It means nothing during a dating period (or courting, if you’re fancy like me). That’s the time when you go to a restaurant and you pick your arbitrary choice from a list and someone else makes it. You’ll both have the pig liver in chocolate sauce, sounds great!

When you’ve settled in to a relationship, the gloves come off. When they were putting their best foot forward by being agreeable to anything before, now they just want to be happy. They want to eat a whole pizza to themselves, or toast for four days straight, or they need the kid at McDonald’s to make them a burger with three pickles, 22 onion pieces, a dab of vanilla shake in the center of the ketchup, and all the fries need to face east. It’s at this point you start thinking “What the fuck side of a fry is the face?”

It’s not so much the individual food choices — a passion for Hot Pockets or ketchup on a steak — it’s that this person is now showing a side you’ve never seen before, and he or she is coming across as if nothing is ever good enough for them. Your effort is wasted and they don’t respect the time or work you put into trying to make them happy, to engage in what a lot of people consider one of the most basic and obvious forms of caring for another person: nourishing and feeding them. Instead they shit on it and wipe their ass on a corn dog, which is not how corn dogs work, let me assure you.

4

Missing Social Cues

There’s a really refreshing quality to being with someone who has a different way of viewing the world. Maybe they’re more brazen and bold while you’re conservative, or perhaps they’re contemplative and thoughtful in the face of your rash adventurousness. It’s the whole “opposites attract” thing that I once heard a cartoon cat and an American Idol judge singing about. Most of us don’t necessarily want to be with someone just like us, so someone who can challenge the way we approach the world is welcome and exciting. Yes, new person, I will get naked with you on this beach and dance on rocks while old people watch us. This is what my life has been missing!

But After a While…

Even a breath of fresh air can sometimes sour if the room gets filled with dog farts. Your partner’s tendency to yell “Fuck my face with a tire iron!” every time they taste a really good sandwich will start making you uncomfortable at the mall food court eventually. And it’s all well and good to say you don’t care what other people think, but come on. This is me, don’t treat me like a silly tit. I know you care about what other people think and as well you should. I do too because I don’t want to be the guy walking through Wal-mart in a pair of stained underpants drinking Robitussin and swearing at the produce. That guy is a creep and doesn’t get to meet fun, new people.

You care what people think, and if your partner is embarrassing you on a regular basis, that’s stressful as shit. Your partner can do something as simple as stopping in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store so other people can’t move past, or using their cellphone during a movie in a theater, or masturbating on the bus. These kinds of things make your pulse race a little at first because they’re not what you’d do. But later in a relationship they make your pulse race because they’re not what you want anyone doing. If there’s no happy medium between what you think is proper decorum for public behavior and what they think is proper, the tension will continue to mount.

This can even work in the opposite way. Maybe you’re the outgoing one and they become some kind of shitty Public Person robot who acts self-consciously around others, changing the way they speak and the kinds of jokes they tell. Maybe they do it because they’re adjusting to new personalities. Maybe they’re pandering to a crowd. My lizard ex was one of those people who would get with friends and explain not seeing them in a while with quips like “I get stuck doing all the boring shit this guy likes to do” in reference to me. Ha ha! I get it, I’m a dickhead you were sentenced by a judge to endure! Funny!

Your tolerance for someone who can’t act normal in public has a lifespan, and it’s very intimately related to the number of times you have to go out in public with them. Eventually it’s going to lead to resentment and, if I learned anything from Yoda, it’s that this is a definite path to either the Dark Side or Hayden Christensen’s acting, and you want no part of either.

3

Being Possessive — No, Not That Kind Of Possessive

One of the strangest things to adjust to in a relationship is the concept of going from a me to a we. It’s not you anymore, it’s us. We do things, we make decisions together, we own things together. It makes sense in the beginning that you’re not used to this. I mean, up until that moment, you were single. Or you were if you’re not an asshole.

But let’s say that you move in together and you buy yourself a nice ham. You put it in the fridge for later. You come back that evening to celebrate Ham Time, and GASP! It’s gone. Your first instinct is “DID YOU FUCKING EAT MY FUCKING HAM??” But man, that ham ain’t your ham anymore. You put it in “our” fridge. That’s our ham. We ate it. Without you. Because we’re in this ham game together now.

But After a While…

If you can’t adopt a “we” attitude, you don’t really belong in a relationship. You’re together as a pair, and that selfishness is not going to fly. The day very well may come, when they have a nice slice of key lime pie and you’re looking at that pie thinking “I could use a bite of that pie.” And so you ask for the pie and they look at you the way a lion looks at a gazelle when it manages to get across a river to safety, that “fuck you and your entire lineage” look. If you want pie, you know where the fuckin’ pie shop is. Why don’t you sashay your pretty ass down there and buy all the pies you can handle?

No one expects a partner to give up a kidney or liver or anything during a relationship. But for God’s sake, not everything has to be yours all the time. If they were putting on an unselfish front at the beginning, and all these little things start popping up like that passive-aggressive “What happened to the last can of Fresca?” shit when they know damn well you’re the only other person in the house so you must have drank that delicious Fresca, you’re going to start feeling like you’re not with the same person anymore. You expected someone who, if not entirely generous, was at least reasonable. And now, suddenly, they aren’t.

My ex had a running tally of everything she contributed to our relationship and wanted back which I didn’t find out about until after we broke up. This included the dishes, the shower curtain and that mat you put at the base of the toilet. That pee-spattered, half shag ode to poor aim and Hans Gruberesque droplets that hold on as long as they can before tumbling to their demise amidst its fibers. No one has ever wanted one of those things when they were brand new let alone after a couple years of harrowing service at the foot of Turd Lagoon.

Selfishness ends a relationships. It has to because it’s not a singles sport like … oh, what’s a single’s sport? Bocci? Is that a thing? You know what sports are. It’s not one of those.

2

Pronunciation

Affectations of speech are kind of cute and quirky at first. Hell, we even celebrate them in children. It’s just adorable when a baby says “shit” for the first time when they’re trying to say literally any other word. When you hit adulthood and still bust out the words “berfday” or “libarry,” well, that’s a thing that takes some getting used to. The newness of the relationship still makes those mispronunciations kind of delightful. And even if you don’t think it’s cute, it’s small. You may just pause a conversation long enough to tell them that the “C” in scissors is silent and move on.

But After a While…

If you’re with someone who legitimately thinks that big, orange squash is called a “punkin” and refers to it as such every Halloween, by Halloween number four you’re going to start getting that little twitch around your eye and gritting your teeth to keep from exploding like a landmine made out of suplexes. There comes a point where you need to wrestle with the realization you may be in a relationship with a dullard. And not just a hapless dullard, a committed dullard who, even with repeated corrections, will not undull themselves.

I once knew someone who continually called deodorant “derodorant.” I don’t know why. I don’t know what they thought the word meant, or how it related to actually deodorizing things. Was it in their minds de-roderant, and roder was a thing you needed to get rid of? Or was it der-orderant and der somehow vanquished stank? I can’t say. The one time I asked what deroderant meant, they looked at me like I was the idiot for not knowing. Because they didn’t get it, and that’s what’s infuriating about someone who doesn’t know they don’t know something.

From the other perspective, they may not have the linguistics game down but at least they’re not an asshole. No one likes to be corrected, we’re not grade schoolers here. The situation feeds off itself — one person can’t figure out that there’s an “r” in brisket and the other can’t quit pointing out that there is until you both hate interacting with one another because your partner is either making you constantly feel like a dullard or they’re making you feel like they just love being one. Neither of these feelings are a good way to foster any kind of positive emotion so expect the whole thing to fall apart pretty quickly.

1

Netflix Etiquette

The great thing about Netflix is not just the micro-budget horror movies produced in countries you’ve never even heard of, it’s the ability to make an entire day of sitting and staring while simultaneously calling it “couples time.” You can binge-watch Stranger Things and never move a muscle, and that’s an entire date night. Good work, team!

This etiquette extends to anything you do as a couple, anything involving even the slightest group effort, such as the kind you exert by both sitting on a sofa and looking at a TV together.

But say one of you has to work tomorrow and one of you doesn’t, so you get to the episode when Barb gets monster shanked and you call it a night, you down a few shots of Robitussin to keep the night terrors at bay, you give your crotch a quick spritz in the sink and it’s off to bed. Next morning you get up and- FUCK A DUCK! They’re on the episode where they find Barb’s monster-shanked corpse farting up that shitty slug baby in the woods. What gives?

But After a While…

This kind of self-centered thinking tends to fester. And Netflix is really just a placeholder here, standing in for anything that represents the idea of you two as a couple: going shopping together, meeting up with friends, setting old barns on fire. You do these things only partially because you need to do them, and partially because you want to do them with that other person. That’s how it’s supposed to work, anyway.

When someone disregards the couples aspect, when they finish a movie on their own, when they go buy that new set of decorative cat armor on their own, it’s like saying your half of the relationship is only relevant when they want to put the time and effort into including you. And you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, either. Watching it together later is always less satisfying, it’s like a pity watch. And it’s made so much worse if they’re the sort of person who will randomly say “Oh man, this is a good part, watch this!” like they’re now your helpful guide to how TV works.

If you can’t be considerate of your partner on even a basic level, enough to hold off on your own whim long enough to include them in something you planned to do together, then you probably suck and the rest of us don’t want to watch Netflix with you. Or do anything with you because you’re shitting on the idea of couplehood. Go watch Iron Fist. Watch it twice.

Remember, if someone can’t love you at your Netflix, they don’t deserve you at your Prime Video.

Start a relationship with Ian’s Twitter and it’ll never go behind your back with Facebook.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/10/18/5-petty-quirks-that-become-relationship-killers-over-time/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/10/18/5-petty-quirks-that-become-relationship-killers-over-time/

[allofbeercom]

5 Petty Quirks That Become Relationship Killers Over Time

Love can happen at any time, and it (or at least infatuation/lust) can make you immune to a hell of a lot of weird behavior. There are so many petty, insignificant things you’re willing to overlook in that honeymoon period of a relationship that, when the honeymoon is over, will set you more on edge than waking up with a spider webbing your nostrils shut. Things that may mean nothing today but could very well be the grounds to end your relationship tomorrow.

5

Food Failings

When you first start seeing someone, a food quirk is nothing. Hell, in some cases, it may even be adorable. “I love the way you pick all the sprinkles off of your doughnut and eat them one at a time.” “Oh, you like to eat Chef Boyardee three meals a day? Well, that’ll make shopping easy!”

Having a well-developed palate is really only important during one week of filming on Hell’s Kitchen when Gordon Ramsay makes you eat stuff blindfolded while screaming about what a donkey you are. Beyond that, it’s reasonable to know and appreciate the difference between a fish like branzino and, say, the severed foot of a longshoreman. One’s eating habits and appreciation for food are so far down the list of important things to care about that an “I’m good with anything” person doesn’t even register on your “something’s wrong” detector.

But After a While…

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I’m a fairly decent cook. So much so that I actually typed “chef” here at first, then erased it because I smoke pork roasts in my boxer shorts while drinking alcoholic root beer. But I can make a meal that’s fairly tasty and that’s all that matters. But I still feel that twinge in my spine when I have to ask someone what they want, and they refuse to commit to anything beyond “Whatever you’re having is good.” My ex, a person for whom I have no empirical evidence that they were human and not a lizard in a woman-suit, would constantly say she wanted “whatever” and then elect to eat nothing after I prepared an entire meal. Then an hour later would make a box of macaroni and cheese because she was starving.

You can only coast for so long on the “whatever” wave when it comes to eating. Because you need to eat every day, several times. It means nothing during a dating period (or courting, if you’re fancy like me). That’s the time when you go to a restaurant and you pick your arbitrary choice from a list and someone else makes it. You’ll both have the pig liver in chocolate sauce, sounds great!

When you’ve settled in to a relationship, the gloves come off. When they were putting their best foot forward by being agreeable to anything before, now they just want to be happy. They want to eat a whole pizza to themselves, or toast for four days straight, or they need the kid at McDonald’s to make them a burger with three pickles, 22 onion pieces, a dab of vanilla shake in the center of the ketchup, and all the fries need to face east. It’s at this point you start thinking “What the fuck side of a fry is the face?”

It’s not so much the individual food choices — a passion for Hot Pockets or ketchup on a steak — it’s that this person is now showing a side you’ve never seen before, and he or she is coming across as if nothing is ever good enough for them. Your effort is wasted and they don’t respect the time or work you put into trying to make them happy, to engage in what a lot of people consider one of the most basic and obvious forms of caring for another person: nourishing and feeding them. Instead they shit on it and wipe their ass on a corn dog, which is not how corn dogs work, let me assure you.

4

Missing Social Cues

There’s a really refreshing quality to being with someone who has a different way of viewing the world. Maybe they’re more brazen and bold while you’re conservative, or perhaps they’re contemplative and thoughtful in the face of your rash adventurousness. It’s the whole “opposites attract” thing that I once heard a cartoon cat and an American Idol judge singing about. Most of us don’t necessarily want to be with someone just like us, so someone who can challenge the way we approach the world is welcome and exciting. Yes, new person, I will get naked with you on this beach and dance on rocks while old people watch us. This is what my life has been missing!

But After a While…

Even a breath of fresh air can sometimes sour if the room gets filled with dog farts. Your partner’s tendency to yell “Fuck my face with a tire iron!” every time they taste a really good sandwich will start making you uncomfortable at the mall food court eventually. And it’s all well and good to say you don’t care what other people think, but come on. This is me, don’t treat me like a silly tit. I know you care about what other people think and as well you should. I do too because I don’t want to be the guy walking through Wal-mart in a pair of stained underpants drinking Robitussin and swearing at the produce. That guy is a creep and doesn’t get to meet fun, new people.

You care what people think, and if your partner is embarrassing you on a regular basis, that’s stressful as shit. Your partner can do something as simple as stopping in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store so other people can’t move past, or using their cellphone during a movie in a theater, or masturbating on the bus. These kinds of things make your pulse race a little at first because they’re not what you’d do. But later in a relationship they make your pulse race because they’re not what you want anyone doing. If there’s no happy medium between what you think is proper decorum for public behavior and what they think is proper, the tension will continue to mount.

This can even work in the opposite way. Maybe you’re the outgoing one and they become some kind of shitty Public Person robot who acts self-consciously around others, changing the way they speak and the kinds of jokes they tell. Maybe they do it because they’re adjusting to new personalities. Maybe they’re pandering to a crowd. My lizard ex was one of those people who would get with friends and explain not seeing them in a while with quips like “I get stuck doing all the boring shit this guy likes to do” in reference to me. Ha ha! I get it, I’m a dickhead you were sentenced by a judge to endure! Funny!

Your tolerance for someone who can’t act normal in public has a lifespan, and it’s very intimately related to the number of times you have to go out in public with them. Eventually it’s going to lead to resentment and, if I learned anything from Yoda, it’s that this is a definite path to either the Dark Side or Hayden Christensen’s acting, and you want no part of either.

3

Being Possessive — No, Not That Kind Of Possessive

One of the strangest things to adjust to in a relationship is the concept of going from a me to a we. It’s not you anymore, it’s us. We do things, we make decisions together, we own things together. It makes sense in the beginning that you’re not used to this. I mean, up until that moment, you were single. Or you were if you’re not an asshole.

But let’s say that you move in together and you buy yourself a nice ham. You put it in the fridge for later. You come back that evening to celebrate Ham Time, and GASP! It’s gone. Your first instinct is “DID YOU FUCKING EAT MY FUCKING HAM??” But man, that ham ain’t your ham anymore. You put it in “our” fridge. That’s our ham. We ate it. Without you. Because we’re in this ham game together now.

But After a While…

If you can’t adopt a “we” attitude, you don’t really belong in a relationship. You’re together as a pair, and that selfishness is not going to fly. The day very well may come, when they have a nice slice of key lime pie and you’re looking at that pie thinking “I could use a bite of that pie.” And so you ask for the pie and they look at you the way a lion looks at a gazelle when it manages to get across a river to safety, that “fuck you and your entire lineage” look. If you want pie, you know where the fuckin’ pie shop is. Why don’t you sashay your pretty ass down there and buy all the pies you can handle?

No one expects a partner to give up a kidney or liver or anything during a relationship. But for God’s sake, not everything has to be yours all the time. If they were putting on an unselfish front at the beginning, and all these little things start popping up like that passive-aggressive “What happened to the last can of Fresca?” shit when they know damn well you’re the only other person in the house so you must have drank that delicious Fresca, you’re going to start feeling like you’re not with the same person anymore. You expected someone who, if not entirely generous, was at least reasonable. And now, suddenly, they aren’t.

My ex had a running tally of everything she contributed to our relationship and wanted back which I didn’t find out about until after we broke up. This included the dishes, the shower curtain and that mat you put at the base of the toilet. That pee-spattered, half shag ode to poor aim and Hans Gruberesque droplets that hold on as long as they can before tumbling to their demise amidst its fibers. No one has ever wanted one of those things when they were brand new let alone after a couple years of harrowing service at the foot of Turd Lagoon.

Selfishness ends a relationships. It has to because it’s not a singles sport like … oh, what’s a single’s sport? Bocci? Is that a thing? You know what sports are. It’s not one of those.

2

Pronunciation

Affectations of speech are kind of cute and quirky at first. Hell, we even celebrate them in children. It’s just adorable when a baby says “shit” for the first time when they’re trying to say literally any other word. When you hit adulthood and still bust out the words “berfday” or “libarry,” well, that’s a thing that takes some getting used to. The newness of the relationship still makes those mispronunciations kind of delightful. And even if you don’t think it’s cute, it’s small. You may just pause a conversation long enough to tell them that the “C” in scissors is silent and move on.

But After a While…

If you’re with someone who legitimately thinks that big, orange squash is called a “punkin” and refers to it as such every Halloween, by Halloween number four you’re going to start getting that little twitch around your eye and gritting your teeth to keep from exploding like a landmine made out of suplexes. There comes a point where you need to wrestle with the realization you may be in a relationship with a dullard. And not just a hapless dullard, a committed dullard who, even with repeated corrections, will not undull themselves.

I once knew someone who continually called deodorant “derodorant.” I don’t know why. I don’t know what they thought the word meant, or how it related to actually deodorizing things. Was it in their minds de-roderant, and roder was a thing you needed to get rid of? Or was it der-orderant and der somehow vanquished stank? I can’t say. The one time I asked what deroderant meant, they looked at me like I was the idiot for not knowing. Because they didn’t get it, and that’s what’s infuriating about someone who doesn’t know they don’t know something.

From the other perspective, they may not have the linguistics game down but at least they’re not an asshole. No one likes to be corrected, we’re not grade schoolers here. The situation feeds off itself — one person can’t figure out that there’s an “r” in brisket and the other can’t quit pointing out that there is until you both hate interacting with one another because your partner is either making you constantly feel like a dullard or they’re making you feel like they just love being one. Neither of these feelings are a good way to foster any kind of positive emotion so expect the whole thing to fall apart pretty quickly.

1

Netflix Etiquette

The great thing about Netflix is not just the micro-budget horror movies produced in countries you’ve never even heard of, it’s the ability to make an entire day of sitting and staring while simultaneously calling it “couples time.” You can binge-watch Stranger Things and never move a muscle, and that’s an entire date night. Good work, team!

This etiquette extends to anything you do as a couple, anything involving even the slightest group effort, such as the kind you exert by both sitting on a sofa and looking at a TV together.

But say one of you has to work tomorrow and one of you doesn’t, so you get to the episode when Barb gets monster shanked and you call it a night, you down a few shots of Robitussin to keep the night terrors at bay, you give your crotch a quick spritz in the sink and it’s off to bed. Next morning you get up and- FUCK A DUCK! They’re on the episode where they find Barb’s monster-shanked corpse farting up that shitty slug baby in the woods. What gives?

But After a While…

This kind of self-centered thinking tends to fester. And Netflix is really just a placeholder here, standing in for anything that represents the idea of you two as a couple: going shopping together, meeting up with friends, setting old barns on fire. You do these things only partially because you need to do them, and partially because you want to do them with that other person. That’s how it’s supposed to work, anyway.

When someone disregards the couples aspect, when they finish a movie on their own, when they go buy that new set of decorative cat armor on their own, it’s like saying your half of the relationship is only relevant when they want to put the time and effort into including you. And you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, either. Watching it together later is always less satisfying, it’s like a pity watch. And it’s made so much worse if they’re the sort of person who will randomly say “Oh man, this is a good part, watch this!” like they’re now your helpful guide to how TV works.

If you can’t be considerate of your partner on even a basic level, enough to hold off on your own whim long enough to include them in something you planned to do together, then you probably suck and the rest of us don’t want to watch Netflix with you. Or do anything with you because you’re shitting on the idea of couplehood. Go watch Iron Fist. Watch it twice.

Remember, if someone can’t love you at your Netflix, they don’t deserve you at your Prime Video.

Start a relationship with Ian’s Twitter and it’ll never go behind your back with Facebook.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/10/18/5-petty-quirks-that-become-relationship-killers-over-time/