#that im gonna majorly fuck up

[caffeinatedopossum]

Me: well I don't have any counting compulsions

Also me: (anytime I have to count anything) *recounts it at least 3 times because I think I counted it right... probably. but now I'm not sure and I have to check*

#i dont think i considered this might not be normal until just now #this might actually be why physically sitting down to fill out a math sheet is torture to my soul #but i also know math just fine. its just the anxiety about counting things wrong #its worse when theres physical things involved though like when im cooking because im convinced #that im gonna majorly fuck up #idk if this is normal or not but i straight up count to 5. normally and correctly. and then suspevt i was wrong #and have to redo it again and again until i get so frustrated that i have to convince myself whatever it fucks up cant be that bad #i think it would be a big problem if i was counting something important or anything at a higher number though #but thankfully the most important thing i count is cups of rice that go into my rice cooker lol #also still doubting wether i have ocd or not but goddamn. the word 'probably' has single handedly impacted my brain chemistry forever #i think... probably :') #god forbid i be sure of anything ever #lmao oof i just remembered some things. time for a small tags trauma rant i guess #so I remember never being sure of anything ever as a kid. for some reason i was so anxious and unsure #that the only thing i thought i knew to be true for sure was my faith in my religion #lol needless to say... i deconverted at 16-17 #now idk for real man. i was wrong about the only thing i was certain of #not sure how to recover from that #obviously im never going back to that religion. it was so incredibly harmful idk if i could even put it into words #but at the same time... im not sure why i doubt everything #or more accurately im not sure how everyone else DOESN'T #how can they be so self assured? how can they know anything? how are they #how is anyone so sure of something that theyre just at peace with never thinking about it or doubting it or questioning it #ive never had that i dont think

[orcelito]

Having lost my cat, my uncle, my great grandmother, my grandma's best friend (& one of the people who helped raise me), AND my dad all within the span of 9 months,

I have little sympathy for people who use deaths as an excuse to be an asshole. I get it, it sucks. Get the fuck over it. Your grief is not an excuse to treat others like shit. What the fuck.

#speculation nation #this isnt anything personal. im just reacting to a post that kind of pissed me off. #to be fair i was never close with my great grandmother so im not particularly broken up about that one #but it's still yet another death in the family within such a short period of time. #my cat is on this list bc he was the first one and it majorly fucked me up. so yeah it deserves to be here. #the others. well. my grandma's best friend makes me sad but at least she was getting up in years #my uncle and dad though. especially my dad. yea those have fucked me up the most. #im never gonna be the same after experiencing all of this in such short succession. #it sucks in a major way. and things are still continuously tumultuous. #but you dont see me lording it over people and using it as an excuse to be an asshole. #maybe i make people uncomfortable with how casually i mention it. but like whatever. it's simply my truth. #that's still just like. me just talking about what ive been up to. that kind of thing. #idk acting like someone needs to be treated with the most tender of touches after experiencing a major death #to the point where you cant even tell them when theyre being a manipulative little asshole? #i dont fucking think so! #yeah okay all grief hits different but ive pulled myself up by the bootstraps and kept my head on straight #even after i experienced death after death after death after death after Fucking Death #whats your excuse? youre Sad? we all fucking are. thats just life. #it's horrible and awful and it sucks that we have to live with this but you CANT let that affect how you treat other people!!!!! #and here i am making my own post venting about it instead of replying to the aita post that sparked this #bc the person the post was about just made me so angry to hear about. #but i am... a reasonable adult who separates themselves from situations before reacting in anger... #and so im making a tumblr post to get the emotions out instead of getting emotional at random strangers lol #anyways i actually had a pretty good day today. but in the way of grief. the smallest things can trigger moods sometimes. #but i am letting the emotions flow... here they are... i have expressed them... and i shall now release them... amen... #negative/ #i guess lol. i sure did rant enough for it.

[aro-aizawa]

i had thought i put apple behind me.... but alas my old nemesis.....

#shut up danni's talking #i switched to android in january and its so refreshing you don't even know #i only occasionally whack out my old iphone if i need a second phone while watching smth #however my mum dropped hers in the toilet (lol) and so her phone is fucked up #i'm trying to transfer her shit over onto my phone in the meantime until she finds a new one #however i am just about ready to tear my fkn hair out bc apple is absolute shit #the only decent app that transfers stuff between two phones is locked behind a paywall and im not paying like £20+ for one use w no guarant #and itunes is hopeless. i want to cry. i am going to be trying my best to convince my mum to try android but she doesn't wanna #she's too familiar w iphones and she wants to have the same thing her partner has bc ease so unfortunately #in any case if i can't transfer her shit onto my phone i'm gonna get rid of my shit so she can at least use its functionality #either way i will still hope for apple to go full bankruptcy or get majorly dropped

[todayisafridaynight]

DID YOU MISS THE EXAM... Either way I can believe in that superstition for a sec I'm so sorry 😭😭😭

NONO I TOOK IT. BARELY. I BARELY TOOK IT. I JUST THOUGHT CLASS WAS GOING TO BE NORMAL BUT NOPE <3<3<3

#snap chats #ngl cried a lil in classs... mightve scribbled a bit on the page.. which has happened before when taking spanish tests LMAO #the rage and anger i felt... oh to punch a wall like i literally just wanted to leave and scream #and i havent felt that kind of anger in a hot minute it was so ugly LMAOOOO so stupid nothing even majorly bad happened #it just the build up ig.... anyways... #I THOUGHT IT WAS WEDNESDAY CAUS EI HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT TOMORROW #AND ASSIGNMENTS ARE USUALLY DUE THE DAY BEFORE THE EXAM BUT. OK. FUCK ME IG #when i finally stopped being a big ol baby i focused on the questions and they weren't actually too hard so im p sure i did fine #it was just... The Emotional Damage of walking in thinking it was gonna be a chill day after Everythin and its like :) No Exams Today :) #the funnier bit is that i literally asked my professor and then she forgot to give me the exam so i had to ask her for it 🧍‍♂️ #right after asking about the exam 🧍‍♂️like i know im unremarkable but you JUST spoke to me.... #my reputation of being the most invisible man continues..... an ironic title to have but ill take it.... #call my ass kellam the way i have to remind people im here <3 fe homies will know what that means and they'll know im right </3 #anyway to end the horrible night. Hopefully. i was gonna get milk from the milk dispenser Because We Have Those #and the milk i usually get was empty so i got the second one and the spout was tilted weirdly so the milk just went backwards #so that was fun. to get. and then a guy tried getting chocolate milk after me and Something happened cause he just yelled the f slur LOL #what a day... it's no one's day today apparently..... #anyway Lesson Learned don't fuck with three's. i don't like the number three it always gives me bad vibes... #did i disclose my Unhealthy relationship with numbres.. i prob did lol.. ima wrap this post up now...

[tonycamonte]

#went 2 a party + i feel like dirt like idk i feel so ugly + gross + at the same time i feel like ive gotten less ugly since i came out + #i look better as a guy but i still feel. not good + also party was at my family friends house + we were lookin @ pictures from when we #were kids like 8-14 ish and ughhhhh im so weird looking + also i was so skinnnyyy then i wanna die........................................ #like theres a photo of me + two friends + ummmmmmmm i just want to die im sorry this is majorly stupid idk what im talking about #+ i just feel like me + my best friend have nothing to talk about + i have no friends + it has 2 be my fault because im like. the only #common factor in nobody liking me + i just feel like shit!! and i dont want to be like whiny and annoying and ugly and unfunny but im #not doing it on purpose............ ughhhh like ive changed so much in 2 yrs bc i was like whatever im doing is making people not like me + #i felt weird so i was like im just gonna change rlly hard + like i dont think its that easy but i am different bc i keep my mouth shut more #+ now i feel like i was more likeable before i hated myself + tried to be someone else but its like an endless cycleeeeee #whatever im just so miserable + at least when i was like more suicidal + fucked up i felt smart + less ugly #and also i hate my family + i dont want to live here + i hate my town but i dont want people to not like me but i do + i just feel like i #ruined my life............ #ANYWAY IM FINE THOUGH. im goin to bed + everythings gonna be ok in the morning 🕊️ #✉️

[lokh]

asuka r kreutz is a mage of light. discuss

#am listening to the talk to me abt asuka r kreutz episode #or maybe heir?????? #just the idea he keeps accumulating knowledge but every time he tries to use it to help people #he just Fucks Up Majorly #though him as a time or space player is also interesting #i dont know much about him im gonna be real im just saying this based on what im hearing #him being a light player would be interesting if we take anji to be a light player too #hmmmmm but. tentatively more attracted to space/time now.... #space to sols time?

[littlecutiexox]

I know healing takes a long time but god I’m tired of being a mess

#ive just triggered myself really #remembered the whole convo and the ‘ sorry i didnt realise’ and fucked myself over mentally #maybe one day I’ll be able to control my emotions and not spiral but today is not the day #i should really up my therapy sessions im such a mess #had to mute her on social media because eh #which sucks majorly because shes a great person and a great friend #but how am i meant to be around her without thinking #hey your boy did this to me #and he had nothing else to say other than sorry didnt realise #last time i checked people saying no should make you realise #people physically stopping you should make you realise #AGREEING to do nothing more than kissing should make you realise that i didnt want anything more than kissing #okay okay this is gonna probably lose me followers and i know thats not what yall are here for #I’ll go off for the night #maybe post some ass tomorrow #idk we’ll see #but im typing this out because sorry i trauma dump on tumblr a lot #it helps me cope #ahhhhhh #so done with it

[twowivestwoknives]

have to put it somewhere but in the last 5 years 3 seperate groups of people have decided im the villain and never told me why just iced me out and isolated me and in 2/3 cases i dont think i actually /did/ anything i think its a mix of antiblackness, ableism, and that ive seen them/know that they hurt other ppl very badly.

group 1 was someone who i used to consider a best friend but who soft cut me off when i disliked a partner of theirs, then, when they decided to hate that now ex, they pushed for their ostricization and 'took me back' without apologizing. they refuse to make eyecontact with me and their partner now flatout ignores my existence, even though i literally was the olive branch for this friend to almost every community theyre successful in now (not that they owe me shit for that), and i think its bc im still close w another Black/mixed friend of mine who they hate now bc they called them out on their antiblackness (which they give excuses for why their nonblack ass can get away with it). this person notoriously throws people out and claims 'villain' when ppl get upset at how they treat others as so cruelly disposable, and ive seen it up close and personal even before it was me and i think that also plays into why they treat me lkke this now.

2nd group was my exes friends who only knew me when i was a self destructive alcoholic. i was loud and obnoxious and yeah i had shrapnel (never abusive), but they decided covid, year 3 of my sobriety, that id never changed, ramped up my exes resentment at me for the alcoholic years even after they said theyd forgiven me and were proud of how far id come, and were instrumental in the breakup if that 5 year relationship. even though one of those friends was literally also sober, they just couldnt forgive me for ever having been an alcoholic, i was just worse than all of them i guess.

3rd is a current happening. someone i knew from god 9 years ago, again who i invited into the community when they were new in town (see a pattern?) had their white friend LIE ABOUT NOT ONLY KNOWING ME BUT ME MAKING HER FEEL 'UNSAFE' (IVE NEVER MET THIS WOMAN), to kick me out of a discord all my friends are in, and when ppl challenged that initially, this person had the gall to say that i made them uncomfy, to the point for a while they wouldnt go to POC events i was at. this person who took the side of 2 white boys who isolated me at 19 bc one of them led me on then dated my ex bf (they didnt have to like me, i was FPing the guy, but the isolation and all my friends picking their side still sucked), and then this person went on to be sexually inappropriate and preassurey and crossing boundaries w multiple friends at this point. but i cant hang out where my friends r bc i make this person uncomfy. i think theyre scared id 'out' them as predatory or something (wouldnt w/o permission of vics obvi) and so they paint me as the villain first

and like if i did something wrong let me know so i can leave y alone and fix it (like i did getting sober going to therapy getting on meds ect) im invested in not hurting ppl. but i dont think i ever /actually/ hurt any of these ppl, i think they just benefit from me not being around and are willing to lie and exclude and ostricize to get it. and ik that sounds conspiratory but like. fuck.

#its been so long and ive tried to be nothing but kind to folks #i try rly hard to be a good persob #i feel fucking insane #i feel like im going fucking insane #is anyone gonna stand up for me or am i actually evil andnjust never noticed #abd evetyone knowz #abs they only keep me ae9und bc im entertaining #or a good therapist #or they know ill ride or die and they knownthey may need tonuse that one day #this sounds so self pitying #i promise ik the times i have majorly fuckdf up #there r ppl who dont speak to md for good reason and i respdct rhat and leave them alone #we were all fucked up traumatizdd kids #i just dont think these cases are those #fuck #life and times

[almightyhamslice]

I’m getting wisdom teeth removed tomorrow

#I am so not ready holy fuck #Iris Legrande #Iris #art #digital art #digital sketch #personal #teeth #ITS SCARY... #also im going to have to eat soft foods for like a week & that consists of like 75% dessert #which I guess I'd be rlly into if I was like 5 maybe #but I can already tell I'm gonna be sick bc of that lmfao #clearly pain is eternal #but hey at least I'm getting it over with now & not like. once the teeth actually start fucking things up majorly #maybe this is tmi

[honeyrisuke]

I'm currently friends with several people who 80% of the time do not respond to DMs at all

some because they get overwhelmed, some because they're busy

and I'm not saying they take a while but that I will text them something or ask them something and will just never receive a response. So basically my DMs are just piling up and one day I send them something they apparently just care about enough or they have a moment where they can respond and then I get a few short sentences, and then my stupid ass responds to that with a lot of text, all excited that they're there and then silence again

they're very active in groups

they seem to be very active in things in general

and while I'm certain they aren't bad people and probably just can't always respond I. fundamentally don't get it. I don't understand seeing someone's DM and just ignoring them most of the time.

The only people I do that to are people who I cannot stand or who I wanna cut off. I do it on purpose to let them FEEL that I'm upset or that I'm not here for that without having an argument. Most of the times when I do that, it's to communicate a "you bother me, don't talk to me"

and I cannot imagine someone seeing a DM in which I ask them for help or send them a meme or ask them a question about their OCs and them seeing it and just. not responding? and then not even.,,, showing any reaction when they do respond way later like "omg i didnt see this", just. full on ignoring

I have good reason to believe that they aren't tired or bothered by me, but after a full weekend of texting a total of 10 people and only getting responses from 2, the rest full on actively ignoring my messages....

it's hard to believe that I'm not in some way shape or form funfamentally annoying.

#im gonna see most of them in a month because they come to spain and we do a barcelona trip together #and I'm very anxious about that because communication about that is absolute dogshit right now and I gotta be real #part of me wants to just see how it goes and if it goes badly ill just #take a renfe back to madrid and lie in bed instead #like something tells me at least two of them will. only be there with me because they already booked it #like im some necessary evil #and all the while im also very scared that me only thinking that makes me act like a stupid idiot and actually fuck something up #life #rant #sorry for putting this bullshit on ur dash #im just literally being ignored by most people i usually talk to and cant tell this to anyone in dms without feeling like im majorly annoyi #ng

[yousignedupforthis]

I need to complain about one thing and it's that you pay $300 to be at the back of the floor where there is no tiered seating and everyone stands up so unless you are very very tall you can see Taylor maybe 5% of the time if you're lucky and people's heads and shoulders in front of you are positioned just right. Its literally the worst value for money seat in the whole stadium by a huge amount because if you're all the way at the back of the stands you paid like $70 and she looks tiny but you can see Taylor and the entire stage 100% of the time. And if you got a restricted view seat for even less than that at the side of the stage you can still see her whenever she's not on the main stage so that's still like 30-40% of the time and we paid more than 3x the amount to barely see anything at all

#whoever makes the decisions about ticket pricing has majorly fucked this up in my opinion and screwed us over for this #ok that's the only negative post im gonna make

[charonte-simi]

Work is stressful today 😔

#im bummed cause its usually so fucking easy #but today i have to actually work at 100% effort #had a meeting on Tuesday and its caused me to fall behind a notable amount #and the numbers arent adding up properly #so i have to keep recounting items that took me 30mins each to count #idk that im gonna finish this all today #plus my tummy hurts 😭 #its a painful kinda hurt that flaired up once before and its bqd enough that i think i may need to go to a doctor about #which is majorly adding to my stress #ugh #so instead of dealing with shit im taking a tumblr break #simi speaks

[orcelito]

1 more day here and then I'm gonna be heading back up to my apartment for the first time in over 2 weeks. Haven't stayed there since this all began. I've grown a bit of a routine here, and I'll be right back to my apartment, but without the prior norms of it.

It's home though. It's home.

I'll have to do a ton of cleaning and rearranging tho to try to fit as much of my father's furniture within my apartment. My apartment is so small and the furnitures so many. I'm determined tho. I'm gonna fit as much as I can. Took measurements today even of all the things I wanna take, so I can puzzle it out as I go.

I. Also. Need to bring June to the vet. Bc she's got worms. Lol. Lmao even. I am trying to not think about it rn.

#speculation nation #i tried calling the vet but they didnt pick up so ill call tomorrow #i think it'll b fine. just gotta get treatment. #with everything else though i am so fucking stressed #trying to think about the money. cheering myself up by thinkijg about the money #i will get 7 times the amount of money that i made the entirety of last year. all in 1 go. #whenever the insurance companies give it to me. lol. haha. lmao. #3 months until summer classes start. after all this furniture moving im going to be so so so so free #maybe ill try to get a lot of writing done during those months. itd be the perfect time. #im nervous about going home. i dont know how ill feel there. its gonna be so weird #ive been in limbo. my life has majorly changed but im in limbo so i dont truly feel it #but ill be back home. and not have to go to work. and ill have a frankly obscene amount of money to get all at once #putting it towards school. finishing school. gotta finish school. i will finish school. #but then i can get a decent job and get a house with a garage and a patio where i can garden #and learn how to ride a motorcycle. Properly fitted to my size. #and i can play my violin without anxiety of upsetting unit neighbors with the sound #im getting through the current times by thinking of the future. just gotta think of the future. #animal illness/ #tagging jsut in case #bugs ment/

[nyancrimew]

so i majorly fucked up my sleep schedule, but also i have a railpass for all of switzerland that's valid from 7pm to 7am (it's only like 99 CHF, which is about what id pay when going out clubbing in another city just 4 times a year, so well worth it) so i think im gonna spend the night exploring some nightly trains

#trainposting

[green-grapes-with-chedder]

Ah i was so young and dumb, you were so young too, your birthday way the end of january, ill smoke a bowl for you, pour one out for us, i stopped cutting, i hope that makes you proud. I hope one day i can make you prouder still. I hope youre thriving and forgot all about me. Ill be the one clinging to ghosts.

#i think i will always have some level of trauma from this #like ill never fully get over it all #i hope youre okay #grace kelly by. #you said youd never forget me #for your health i hope you did #i never lied about who i was #somehow im 22 now..idk how quick it all went by #but like #wait hol up fr lemme just say i rlly did accomplish a ton just getting to 22 but like..outside of that i havent changed or done much #but my parents split up #if ur reading this which part of me hopes ur gonna stumble across it one day uhhh are u shocked cuz i aint shocked #but it rlly fucked up everything ..them splitting up #i uh..yeah just thought those changes would be interesting #but im a lot better than i used to be #just avoid this blog cuz all the old messages and stuff make me sad #so when i use it all i can think about is how fucked it all ended #ahh man #ill try to drop it for now..maybe ur gonna log on one day and be majorly creeped and i hate to think of that #but uhh if you ever come back all i want is to be friends again #and to see your art now! i bet youve improved a fuck ton!! i havent changed my art style too much but i also dont draw much anymkre #weirdly enough i started crocheting #still figuring jt out but its so fucking fun i get grandmas now #like u zone out and holy shit u made a thing and u cant hell but love it even if its pretty much a fancy string #anyways im gonna go study or do something productive and stop harping on the things that were and focus on what is #im better at that now #im better now in a lot of ways #i hope you are too #i really do

[agayconcept]

.

#im extremely uncomfortable w how bad my mental state has spiralled out of control #im furious all the time. ive broken several of my belongings. im having 5+ anxiety attacks and 2+ panic attacks A DAY. #i cannot get out of bed and if i do there's a 50% chance i will legitimately actually collapse/faint/pass out #im just. this is....dangerous #this is rly dangerous #and im. so. SO FUCKING MAD THAT I CAN EASILY IDENTIFY WHOSE FAULT THIS IS. AND IT AINT MINE AT ALL EVEN A BIT #its the doctors office that decided that my health doesnt matter and i dont matter and ghosted me after i told them i was suicidal #which is. such a fucking instant lawsuit its rly not even funny. it was not originally my intention to go past a report #but these ppl r majorly responsible for the entire collapse of my life / mental health / will to live and um. yeah actually #i think a lawsuit probably might happen. esp if i end up in the hospital / a crisis centre this week #yeah actually after talking to a friend w a similar experience i in fact. think this is a Very sue-able offense and it. #should be dealt with as such. if i can find the means and ability. which i rly dont know abt #i guess all thats to say if anyon in the g.t.a. knows of any affordable programs or places that offer legal help #send me that shit #(im doing my own research when i can but that is v spaced out bc otherwise im gonna :-)))) lose my fckin mind. permanently.) #aiyaiyai #ducky unlucky #diary #suicide mention #suicide tw #ask to tag #fr i dont wanna trigger anyone but i also know if i dont talk abt it somewhere anywhere im just gonna speed up the inevitable