#thats $100 just to get in for both of us!!

[joelsbeard]

oh em gee i’ve literally js found ur blog and i’m in loveeeeeeee

would you be willing to give us your hcs about young!joel and readers first time?? i’m such a whore for that man<33

Hihi!! Thank you you are are so sweet 😊also thank you for the ask :) the tlou fandom for sure needs more pre-outbreak!joel content!!!! I am starved for that shit. I love hot and old ass dilf joel don't get me wrong but mannnn he was so cute when he was younger 🥲 such a lil cutie.

I've never actually thought about this because my mind always jumps to once joel and reader are in an established relationship hehe or when they're dating but not quite official yet. I'm not sure about these hc's tbh, I hope you like them!!

To start off, I don't think joel was a player in high school at ALL. Though of course, with his damn looks he could be. I might even go as far as to say I think he could sometimes give off golden retriever energy? Maybe once he gets to know you. I don't think he'd be 100% golden retriever energy lol definitely not, thats tommy haha. I imagine him only having had 1 or 2 girlfriends in high school, bc like i said i don't think he'd be a player. Flirty with multiple girls at most but I think that might be pushing it.

For some reason I feel like you would be his second girlfriend lol, with the first being eh bc you know how dating is in high school. He probably would've tried some stuff with her (😡) but still inexperienced by the time he meets you.

After some time flirting, you guys go on a couple of dates and you both really really like each other, then afterwards is when you two finally decide to take the next step 🙈

He would never pressure you to do anything you don't want, because joel miller is a gentleman!!!

Your first time would probably be at yours or his house when you were able to find time alone since he would want y'alls first time to be special

The first time you see his dick you probably panic a little and he sees the blood drain from your face because he's definitely on the more gifted side (both in girth and length ;) ), but he just pulls you in close and reassures you that it's okay if you change your mind, he doesn't want to pressure you ❤️

This is the first time y'all have ever seen each other naked and he tells you "you're so beautiful" while he kisses down your neck to your chest

Ofc he makes you cum on his fingers once or twice to make sure you're ready and comfortable, and you try to reciprocate and give him a handjob first but shortly after you start he tells you to save it for another time, otherwise he'll bust a nut before he even goes inside you because he's so horny for you LOL

You struggle a little when he first pushes inside you because he's just so big, and he tells you "take your time baby" while rubbing his thumbs across your cheeks and kissing your forehead and nose as you take more and more of him

Once he bottoms out you both sigh and you tell him to give you a minute as you adjust to him, ofc he does as you ask but you can tell he's eager to start moving inside you and he almost starts shaking with the anticipation hahahah

You have your legs wrapped around his back as well as both arms, with one hand cradling the back of his head and tangled in his soft hair as you hold his head down to yours, and he's holding himself up above you with his forearms caging your head in

Once you get used to feeling him inside you, you tell him he can start to move slowly, so he just rocks back and forth in you while y'all are making out and grinding on each other like theres no tomorrow LMAO

He lets you finish first but he comes almost right afterwards inside you, and then you guys are just laying there in your post-nut bliss✨ before he slides out of you and gets a towel to wipe you down ❤️

Then you just lay in bed together and cuddle and kiss each other as he asks you "was that okay?" and you hold his adorable face in your hands and say "it was perfect" and give him a lil kiss on the nose because he's so cute

After that, y'all be fuckin like rabbits for sure LMAO until your last days 🙏🏼 HHAHAH

I hope I did your thoughts justice hehe, i was NOT expecting to write this much lol

#asks #tlou #game joel miller #joel miller #young joel miller #the last of us #pixel joel #joel miller headcanons #hc's

[midnitedancer]

I missed the window to get festival weekend passes. I'm so mad at myself. I'm in such a shitty mood I don't even want to go any more. 😞

#danni blogs #its $25/person/day!! #thats $100 just to get in for both of us!! #idk how much the passes were #but im so upset #its my poor husbands birthday too

[aroaceleovaldez]

Also if anyone’s curious i think if Nico got deified he’d be a god of outcasts, self-sacrifice, unseen efforts, reprieve from suffering, and perseverance, or stuff along those lines. Maybe also nontraditional family structures. also one of his symbol would be dandelions.

#pjo #riordanverse #nico di angelo #he'd also probably get wings. just for thematic reasons #i personally like to think Nico getting wings would be like a welcome gift from one or multiple underworld gods cause thats fun #also fun fact!! ''Angelos'' is both the name of a chthonic goddess and a surname used for several goddesses #that just happens to seem to be associated with the moon and pertaining to both the underworld and overworld #so Nico as a god could 100% just. keep his surname actually. #and it still applies perfectly #and then his first name is also derived from ancient greek #so if he did have to change his name all he'd have to do is slap an S on the end basically #good for him #deified nico

[wormy-worm]

ok u know what maybe if the world isn't ready for sunrazer post that means that the world IS ready for Amoveous siblings post. This is Milo and Enho and theyre my DARLINGS and i love them SO MUCH. i have. SOOOOOOOO many thoughts abt them but after the previous post massacre i do not really feel like typing all of that xoxo love <3

#THESE DRAWINGS HAVE BEEN SITTING IN MY DRAFTS FOR MONTHS LOL #meart #original character #robot oc #ily enho ily milo my darlings my angels my loves my funny robot guys. #ive posted abt Andromeda on here b4 if u remember her Enho is her best friend !!!!! #Enhos a battle robot who doesnt want 2 fight people.. #hes the oldest sibling and theres a lot resting on their shoulders! #shes supposed to be this big metal protector but U.U she just wants to hide in his room.. and make music for the internet.. #him and andy have this whole arc abt like. autonomy and identity and junk #being as andy is a government experiment who was raised to be a superhero who. has not yet realized that she HATES being a superhero lol #Enho inspires her! #milo um. does his own thing. he was the second amoveous bot and he is lucky to have been built without the responsibility of a battle bot #which means hes a LOT weaker. doesnt have a million weapons and lasers and such like enho does. no one expects much of him. he HATES IT!!!! #he wants to be POWERFUL! he wants to HURT PEOPLE!! he wants to be USEFUL!!! hes ANGRY ALL THE TIME #its EXSAUSTING. #yk that tinkerbell thing thats like. cuz shes so small she can only feel one emotion at once. and its so big it consumes her entirely? #hes that. he lives entirely in extremes. everything is 100% for him #he jumps to conclusions so quick and so violently.. hes incredibly impulsive and it gets him into a lot of trouble. #hes also a total NERD!!! GOOB!!! says mlady unironically. likes bad computer games. wears a stupid tie everyday. cartoonishly schemes 24/7 #enho for the record is also a pretty angry person. they just dont rlly express it. they dont express much of anything lol. #shes semiverbal on a talkative day. he can be REALLY REALLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE THO. THAT MF CAN BE SO PETTY. GOOFY ASS #but shes TERRIFIED she'll lose control of her emotions and her body and that shell hurt someone someday. absolutely terrified. #enho is as afraid of his strength as milo is of his weakness. theyre both two ends of the same extremes in a lot of ways. #polar opposites and yet exactly the same. they resent each other a lot. they need to learn to meet each other in the middle. #anyway ''i dont feel like typing all that'' and then i ramble in the tags for ten million years lol ToT I LOVE THESE GUYS #theyre my oldest ocs in this universe and i have so many thoughts if you have any questions feel free to ask me lol

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad #bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young #and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder #but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small #and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible #grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing #and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is #probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a #fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong #with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality #and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever #as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun #its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to #read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like #yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess #i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she #clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate #unrelated

[skitskatdacat63]

"When Seb entered his farmer era in 2011... 🦘🇦🇺"(via Red Bull's insta)

#rbr trying to distract us from multi-21's anniversary by posting cute seb animal pics #it wont work 😡 #me when im delusional: the australian flag and the kangaroo are meant to be a callback to mark's involvement in multi-21! its symbolism! #'look mark! is this one of your family members? haha get it get it? youre both australian *mate*!' #ive never seen the pic of him in the crocodile dundee hat #I 100% bet that hes quoted the 'thats not a knife' to mark and mark was just 😐 #anyways as i said this is still a multi-21 post bcs it involves both seb and an aussie #but yeah i just wanted to repost this bcs yeah ik its bcs the aus gp is coming up but the coincidence of the timing is funny to me #f1 #formula 1 #sebastian vettel #sv5 #we do a little bit of f1 #2011 australian gp

[theygender]

This has been on my mind for weeks and I talked to my therapist about it today and told my girlfriend about it too so now it's time for me to update the gay people in my phone: I may have schizotypal personality disorder

#this is like the equivalent of telling the bees to me #rambling #like ive been thinking about ever since i learned that autism shares a lot of similarities with schizophrenia and looked into that #and then learned about negative/cognitive symptoms and realized i related a lot to them #and then i learned more about schizotypal personality disorder and it was fuckin scary how much i related to it #what with the magical thinking and the severe social anxiety that doesnt go away when i get to know someone #and the ideas of reference and the eccentricity and the communication difficulties and the strange thought patterns #and then i specifically learned about avolition as a negative symptom which describes the exact thing thats ruining my life rn #and. i was scared to talk to my therapist about it bc i was worried it could be used against me somehow #but it was good to talk it out with her and get some additional perspective on whats going on in my brain #and if it means i could maybe possibly work on fixing the avolition and the social anxiety (my two biggest issues for years) #then it would be 100% worth it tbh. and its also kind of helpful to have some sort of framework to understand whats happening in my brain #funnily enough when i told my girlfriend (who was previously mis?diagnosed with schizophrenia and considering autism) #about it she related a lot too. so i guess we'll see how that goes #its. crazy how much of an overlap there is between schizospec orders and autism #i feel like i might should write up a post going into detail about different schizospec disorders to raise awareness #bc like. it is so much more than just hallucinations and delusions #in fact its not even required to have both of those for any schizospec disorder. some only require one and others dont require either #there is so much to the schizophrenic spectrum that i was unaware of and I'm sure that's probably true of other people too

[bmpmp3]

I KNOW every person says this about every medium, art form, hobby, etc. ever, and always specifically about whatever time they get really really really into said hobby BUT i do genuinely think, at least from a software perspective, that we're probably on the cusp of some kind of vocal synth renaissance. the scene never died or even wavered, but with the sheer amount of new software coming out both paid and free, voicevox getting a singing update,stuff like OpenUtau making compatibility easier... i don't care for subscriptions so im only interested in their perpetual licenses but i will admit voisona's subscription model for voicebanks has a lot of benefits for those who just wanna use a voice maybe once or twice.... there are so many robots to make sing you guys. there are so many.

#im learning about diffsinger in openutau rn. the kohaku merry bank sounds SO so good like i already loved her utau #but her ds has like. this extra huskiness thats so nice. excited to see how i can play with these things!! #i feel like another new group of voices to mess around with was just plopped in my lap hkfsjhekrfas #but yeah. all we need is like a new utau-making boom and i think we'll be fully in it #make a cv utau. do it now. do it NOW #i love cv banks. people dont like em but i like their efficiency. plus there so easy to record that you can like #do all kinds of weird unique voices. i think its fun!! ive been getting really into the windows 100 utau recently #those i believe come in both cv and vcv most of the time but in general i just love how unique some of them were #kachanloid rules. and the grandma. and the wrestler. and the middle aged man #so so so awesome. make a weird utau NOW #i do wish openutau had more layout options tho. i get why its a bunch of separate windows and all #but i do hate juggling them all around like this orz i wish it was like photoshop or gimp or something #where you can pop out everything as separate windows if you want but can also have them in one window with tabs if you prefer #but even then i'd accept just having play controls on the part-editing windows. it does suck flipping between them to listen #to the thing you just pitchbended orz but i still love you openutau. especially the vocal color functionalities #its so versatile and editable i love it. now you can finally use all the appends at once easily!!!!! #so so cool i think its a bit of a game changer for open source vocal synths like this

[sammygender]

the thing thats always missing in conversations about gender in general is the fact that 'cis', as an identity, is not a innate Thing Some People Are, but rather a state of acceptance society grooms us into from birth

#im sorry but no one is inherently 'cis' bc gender is inherently not real (saying this in cool trans way not transphobe way). #being 'cis' just means you live as the gender youve been assigned. being 'genuinely' cis in a way where youre not repressing anything and #you're truly happy to be that way means you're the ideal and desired endgame of the whole gendered culture and have been successfully #groomed into accepting only half of yourself (the half that can exist in the gender role you inhabit) #Like every culture agrees that people have both 'masculine' and 'feminine' within them but on entry to the earth the vast majority of peopl #are placed within a role that rewards either 'masculine' or 'feminine' but not both. and of course everyone continues to be both but #theyve still been placed in one role. #To be honest i think we need to rid ourselves of the idea of gender as something innate even though its nice to teach to well-meaning #liberal cis people. 'born this way' dogma was a useful vehicle to pitch existence in but its unhelpful when queer people actually act like #its the whole truth and nothing but the truth. #dont get me wrong i couldnt be a girl cause i self destructed and died and that was just something within me. totally that is a thing 100%. #hashtag born this way. but just because it doesnt go that far for some people doesnt mean that theyre Innately Cis. it means they accept #their circumstance and r priviledged to be able to do so. thats what cis means #to be clear: i say being cis is the result of grooming. thats not to say that people who reject cisness are smarter or more radical #necessarily or doing the right thing. some people stay cis and push the boundaries of that role wherever possible and thats just as radical #i think in fact its more radical than trans people who ruthlessly uphold gender roles #tldr its not a moral failure to identify with ur assigned gender and to argue that would be incredibly ridiculous #but the only reason u feel identification with it at all is because of the grooming. shrug emoji. #oliver talks #gender #gender abolition #gender assignment is grooming & its violence & its awful #ted talk over #Disclaimer if anyone wants to pick a fight that i do literally identify as trans so take of that what you will

[icewindandboringhorror]

I think the hardest thing in writing for me sometimes is the like “show don’t tell/let people communicate through subtext/Normal People don’t just walk around openly explaining their motivations for everything That’s Unnatural” thing because like.. I literally DO walk around openly explaining my motivations for everything, that is how I talk, I am an analytical detail oriented over-communicator who explains everything as thoroughly as possible and and will give a fully detailed 2 minute long answer to something simple like “how are you doing today?” .. like it’s hard to make things sound Natural and Normal when you yourself are inherently unnatural and abnormal in your methods of communication to an extent lol

#''hey. whats up? you look kind of sad.. is something wrong?'' normal answer (apparently how people are supposed to talk): *looks away #remosefully and stares into the distance* ''n-no.. I'm fine. don't worry about it.'' abnormal answer (how I would respond): ''Yeah I #'m mostly fine. I was just thinking about what the future is going to be like 30 years from now and if I'll ever actually accomplish anythin #g that I want to. which makes me feel X way for XYZ reason. you see because I had a dream last night that made me think of *continues to exp #lain my exact emotional state and inner thought process completely matter of factly in exact detail for 5 more minutes* #tfw you would be a badly written character if you existed in a story lol #This is also why I struggle making conflict because most conflicts can be resolved through conversation and I personally love to have long #detailed conversations about everything. Like literally I don't have hardly any conflicts interpersonally because if something happens it's #immediately followed up with like ''hey sorry if my tone of voice sounded a bit pointed or harsh. when you were talking to me I was trying #to balance all the stuff I was taking up the stairs and also my leg hurts so I think all my mental energy was being used there and I just #didn't feel like talking. I should have just said 'wait a minute and we can discuss it inside' instead of trying to end the conversation qui #ckly in a short rude way.' ''oh yeah thats fine. I thought it was something like that. sorry for hounding you about the topic as well. i #havent eaten in a while so I think I'm just a bit prickly at the moment. we should both rest for a while and destress from the store #trip and then talk about it later. maybe after lunch?' 'sure. sounds good.' like LITERALLY. lol #it is so hard for me to write characters who are bad communicators or don't understand their own internal states or arent constantly #analyzing their own actions to understand what they do/don't feel and why and what the cause of it is and etc. etc. etc. #I just naturally want everyone to perfectly undertsand everything and communicate amazingly and have complete self awareness and #logical presence of mind gjhbj.. which like.. of course comes across as unnatyural and also those type of people rarely ever get involved in #conflict and conflict is APPARENTLY what drives stories (even though I don't like most conflicts and just want to resolve them lol) so ...aa #I mean you can get around this to some degree by the fact that (at least in my opinion) no rule for dialogue is 100%. dialogue is good if it #sounds naturally like it comes from the character who said it. It can be meandering and pointless and rambly IF that matches the character. #it can be dry and overly self aware IF your character is that way and it suits them. So like throwing in a few detached scholar types or lik #e '5000 year old cave dwelling hermit' type people is good for me and works BUT the thing is an ENTIRE cast of characters can't be that way. #at some point - even in a setting where everyone is reserved and academic (like a research camp in the wilderness full of scholars and stuff #) still SOMEBODY has to be the one who's conflict prone and doesn't pristinely understand all of their emotions and etc. etc. Because statis #tically that is still literally the majority. Kind of like my tendency to make everyone 100% aromantic and asexul when it's like.. YES.. may #be 2 or 3 or even 4 out of 10 of them could be that way. but like.. an entire group? a diverse group of 10 people from all walks of life and #EVERY single one is like that??? hgjh . you have to add realistic variety #As much as I'm pro 'have more stories where sex or romance are literally NOT involved at all in any capacity since it's already oversaturate #d in media' I'm also dedicated to realism. alas. (at least as realistic as you can get in a fantasy setting lol)

[mejomonster]

Truly So many people I grew up looking up to were bi, fucking big yikes that my family still lied and insisted bi people weren't real until I was 17 learned to find bi educational sites and learned that was a big fucking lie to keep me from loving myself I fucking guess

#rant #this includes my mom. who on dating history and ppl loved is definitely bi she just thinks 'bi isnt real' so anyone #who likes a different gender is straight in her mind even if they like ALL gwnders #which i think is a reflection of whatever biphobia she went thru but annoying it hit me by extension :/ #but yeah like. even outside of obvious bi figures #my parents would watch Star Trek The X Files The Rocky Horror Picture Show Rebel Without A Cause #play Prince Freddy Mercury Madonna #like. thats queer culture Babey. i went to a Queer theater play last month #and the waiting playlist was all songs i knew every line to from childhood #david bowie. marilyn monroe. like?? some like it hot. like??? #and then now that im an adult my mom is still usually the FIRST to recommend me queer western stuff #shell be like How to Get Away With Murder! Black Sails! The 100! Orphan Black! Lost Girl! Jennifers Body! #like? wild to me she lied and told me bi didnt exist growing up #meanwhile literally everything she watches just kinda requires u to accept basic premise bi people are explicitly real and the leads #TORCHWOOD. we both love the FUCK out of torchwood and bi jack harkness (duh hes like us for fucks sake) #like. is it really any wonder they had a queer kid when why the hell wouldnt i turn out just like them #thwy coulda looked in the fucking mirror and went Oh

[stupidnaturals]

.

#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me #bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer #and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on ! #unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. ' #and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out #and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like #' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that #but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to??? #and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand?? #also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me ' #or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever #and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance #which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away #like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!! #oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2 #or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too ' #and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs? #or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours #anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie? #so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again! #i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me #and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening???? #anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me

[tysonfurybattlepass]

i swear to christ i am FUCKING DRAWING ok

#not me trying to apply ecology to character designs that were intended as representational and not biological #anyway she is a shallow water proto-mammal that specializes in catching fish #tanystropheus if it were an endotherm and had 3 heads #also her tail is a registered deadly weapon #get smacked with that and you wont see atars youll see god #i think darkners fail to realize how physically powerful they are #they seem to rely entirely on magic for combat which is probably a cultural thing #but most of them are both larger and more physically powerful than even the largest hometown residents #like at what point do they realize they can just punch people in the face. that is 100% an option #i suppose their aversion to physical altercation is good for us because if king spade had decided to throw hands instead of projectiles #that would have been a significantly more dangerous fight #ironically he was probably playing the distance game because he was afraid of getting smacked up by the high damage lightners #but if he had just committed to a more aggressive physical fight and tanked a few hits he probably could have steamrollered us #but that is the nature of the disparity between lightners/darkners isnt it #lightners seem to have WAY less hp and way less magic options #but stupid high damage #susie can deal upwards of 300hp damage per hit even in ch1 thats goddamn ridiculous #if darkner magic did those numbers every fight would be a one-hit kill because all our party members have less than that in base hp lmao #the logistics of dark world combat always fascinated me #in cutscenes it’s shown that physical violence is still very much a thing #but it’s implied that the battle format is a core part of the world’s engine #or at the least a core cultural practice #idk where i was going with this. #deltarune

[archaeolitikum]

i have a permanent scowl which is super fun because i get headaches from the constant tention in my face and i cant relax enough to fall asleep !

i am always irritated and stressed can you tell.

#i dont voice my irritation all the time because i know being around constantly grumpy people is insufferable #dont wanna put my friends through that because thats unnecessary for the both of us #im mostly stressed now though #but i get irritated because the stress is 100% self inflicted because i cant just DO SHIT i need to do #well. #rant

[toastsnaffler]

ik its 4am I just woke up but I can't believe my roommate got upset with me bc she thought I thought she was "anti feminist" for shaving. girl I literally never fucking said that. sorry I was incessantly bullied by strangers friends and family for not shaving as a teen and so body hair positivity is important to me + sorry I like body hair on myself and other ppl and have explicitly said I find it attractive before. I don't care that u shave but I'm not going to clap and cheer abt it? ur already fulfilling societal expectations so why do u need my approval on top of that? its such a non issue like how the fuck is a masc dyke making u feel insecure abt ur cis femininity lmao

#can 100% understand where shes coming from abt some of the other things she was upset abt bc that was def on me #and i genuinely am sorry and ive said so. but this one is just petty #if she was a trans woman then i would get if she felt like i was judging her for shaving in order to pass or whatever #which i wouldnt judge anyway bc not my body so i dont care what u do with it!!! but i could understand the fear of judgement #i dont even know im so tired... i just dont understand her at all sometimes. and i feel like she really doesnt understand me either #and ik im easily misunderstandable bc im often emotionally unpredictable and autistic as fuck. but it makes me sad that weve known each- #other years now and are probably the person both of us talk to most and there are still so many fundamental miscommunications between us #and im trying to understand!! but sometimes i just have to accept that i really dont. we're just so different and thats ok #just so hard to know what she thinks bc she immediately dismissed my reply to her yesterday. but if she said its ok then i guess it is #im just gonna take her at her word even if shes being dishonest w me im not fucking around with this anymore #anyway whatever.. rolling over and going back to sleep. i hope i have a better day at work today regardless #.diaries

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#it's so weird trying to describe yourself when u really aren't something u used to be #like until i was probably 21 or so id say i was shy. very very shy. but now im like was that even true? was i ever shy bc im not now #maybe i was just quiet and anxious. maybe thats just what being shy is. but im still both of those things but im not shy #im sorta like a hermit. i dont really go around ppl if i can avoid it but i dont hate being around ppl. its just that im less anxious when #im alone. but if u put me around ppl i like to talk to them so im not shy. ill say whatever. i dont really give a fuck #but if u throw me in a group i go back to being a non entity. i guess thats just being an introvert with an asocial streak #thats a thing i noticed while i was at the grad weekend i attended in march. the group would gather and do things while i kinda just #wandered away from them to poke at trees and sit in the snow. i dunno i just feel better away from ppl. my brain gets a lot louder if ive #been too social. which is a shame bc its interesting to watch ppl and understand how thry work #my friend came over to day goodbye before i leave next week. which was nice. i wish we would have hung out more in person but so it goes #and i think in my head im a lot more contained thst i actually am. like if u set me a task that becomes my focus but im also sorta all over #the place. partly bc i think my brain works on like a lag. and also my mood is a little elevated rn so im sorta like *jazz hands* and #talking too fast and too much and oversharing. yesterday i was instrucing an undergrad and felt so bad bc my brain was all over the place. #could not b made linear. im tired now tho bc theres nothing more draining than being emotionally honest and talking for like 2hrs. woof. it #so hot. like fucking so hot bc the monsoons have started and humidity is up so my swamp cooler is fucked and its gotta b at least 80 degree #inside my apartment. holy christ. and the temp has been over 100 degrees for like at least 2 weeks. its so hot its kinda alarming. and im #glad my friend was also freaked out by how hot its been bc oh god its hot. and i cant focus. ive done fuck all today. but i did get rid of #couch which is so so so great. ugh. someone make the sun stop making it so hot #unrelated #its been over 100 degrees outside for like 2 weeks. not on my apartment #and when i say i wish i spent more time with my friend irl. i mean it in a distant sort of way. like thats how im supposed to feel. like i #dont kno if thats actually what i feel or i kno im supposed to b social but idk if i actually mean it