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studentinpursuitofclouds · 5 months

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Heya, Mouse. I hope you're doing well. 😊

So, I recently got the Mr. Qi mature event again in my most recent save. A personal issue I have with this event is that no one, including your own spouse, ever hint at the event at all. Yes, the Farmer can't talk about it, but surely they'd be acting differently after such a scary and traumatic event? So my request is this: How would the sdv/sve marriagables + Krobus (bc I know my shadow roomie would be worried too) feel about the Farmer acting differently after they were found after the Qi event? Like, maybe the Farmer's more jumpy and sullen after what had happened, but they can't say anything because of the seal.

Hi, hello! 👋 I'm doing fine! ☺️ Thanks for your question, and I really apologize for taking so long to reply 😅 I decided to post here about only Bachelors + Krobus, hope you don't mind. Anyway, thanks again for caring and for the ask! Enjoy ❤️

Sam:

Given that the Farmer was found unconscious in the forest, Sam immediately thought that the reason for their behaviour was that they had been frightened by a wild bear or wolves. No wonder: you are lying defenceless and predators are walking around you, wanting to eat you. The young musician's guesses are far from the truth of what really happened to Farmer, but whatever happens, Sam will be there for his love, supporting them and comforting them.

Elliott:

Poor Elliott nearly had a stroke when he saw Farmer lying in a hospital bed at the Clinic. Taking them by the hand, the writer began to ask what had happened to his spouse, but was quickly silenced when he saw Farmer getting even worse. Elliott apologises for his panic and will do his best to make Farmer feel better. He still hopes that Farmer will be able to tell what happened in the future.

Shane:

Shane feels angry and wants to punch someone (or something) with his fist, which is the reason for Farmer's sadness and constant tension. He is even ready to fight with the whole world if he has to - no one dares to offend the people close to him and get away with it. But realising that Farmer's rage won't help him in any way, Shane tries to comfort them and calm them down. Even suggests they go to the therapist he went to himself after that event on the hill. Magic, not magic, he doesn't know shit about it. All he needs right now is to be there for Farmer and give them all the help and support they need.

Sebastian:

Sebastian can't calm down himself now. He knows that the Farmer fights monsters every day, which is the pure nightmare fuel of many people's lives, and the fact that his spouse met someone that even scared them.... However, Sebby is trying her best not to show his worries, because right now the Farmer needs someone to protect them. And he will be brave for them now, just as Farmer was brave for Sebastian and the other people they were protecting.

Alex:

Alex went into full protective mode, not letting anyone he deemed suspicious near Farmer. The young athlete thinks that some tourists have decided to attack and harm Farmer, as many people (including some unpleasant ones) have come to Stardew Valley, to admire the local town and relax. Unfortunately, Farmer can't tell the real reason, and that's what kills them the most - it's the inability to tell Alex what happened. However, gentle words and cuddles in bed are just what Farmer needs after the traumatic event.

Harvey:

Breathing exercises, sedation, elimination of junk food..... Harvey doesn't know what happened to the Farmer, but he certainly knows how to help them. Alas, in matters magical he will not help in any way, so does not even know of its existence. But Harvey will definitely do his best to help deal with his spouse's depressed mood. He promise to them, everything will be alright, doctor's word!

Magnus:

Magnus know very well about the silencing spell, as he knows this school of magic very well. And the fact that his spouse was acting like a frightened lamb after that strange event made him think about this possible option. Touching their hand, Magnus was scalded like fire, leaving no doubt. Magic. Dark, unfamiliar magic. The Farmer no longer needed to try to say anything, Rasmodius understood all at once. The wizard would assure his lover that he would definitely help them, no matter who cursed Farmer.

Lance:

Lance didn't feel magic as subtly as the same Rasmodius or Camilla, but he could feel the incomprehensible dark aura that wrapped around Farmer's neck like ropes. His one penetrating look into his consort's frightened eyes was enough for Lance to signal to some his fellow mages, including same Camilla and Magnus, that something out of the ordinary had happened. The gallant adventurer also remembered to kiss them on the forehead and envelope them in a tight hug, reassuring them and promising them that everything would be all right.

Victor:

Victor, seeing how the constant tension and depressive state is affecting his beloved spouse, he tries to find a therapist to help Farmer. Poor Victor cannot watch them suffer, so will offer his support and convinced them accept professional help. The sad irony is that Farmer can't tell anyone, no matter how hard they try. Still, they're glad Victor won't leave them alone.

Krobus:

Krobus doesn't realise what exactly happened to Farmer, but shadow person can feel them exuding alien magic and a restless aura after they returned from the clinic. Never, no matter what dangerous adventures they had been on, had the Krobus seen the Farmer so frightened. The fact that they wouldn't tell him anything tensed the shadow person even more. It's unlikely that Farmer would lie to him like this if they had always told Krobus everything about their adventures before. Something is wrong, and Krobus, worried about his friend, thinks that maybe Magnus or Marlon can help Farmer.

#stardew valley #sdv #stardew valley expanded #sve #sve lance #sdv wizard #sdv sebastian #sdv shane #sdv alex #sdv sam #sdv harvey #sdv elliott #sve magnus #sve victor #thanks for the ask!#sdv headcanons #sve headcanons #sdv krobus

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wildpeachfarm · 15 days

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this is meant lighthearted : instead of “all men are trash, women do no wrong” a secret third thing “PEOPLE suck in general”

as someone who grew up with an absent father who tried to make life difficult for my mother once she took him to court for child support for me and my siblings - ing…I grew up with a not nice view of older men BUT my grandpa was a big big influence in not making men a negative experience for us.

the recent shift of the last 4-5 years has been worrying. I used to liked jkr and could emphasize where she was coming from originally. but it was scary to see the gradual descent into where she is now and the stuff she is saying. Bc she is so far removed from what she originally stood for. It can happen to anyone, I even get worried if I’m on that slope sometimes. This whole situation had me second guessing myself bc I gave gnf time and believed in him. I had a moment when a few female creators made remarks (not from mc community) and I checked myself bc I was scared I was falling into the conservative rhetoric to blame women and protect men. Then I saw others who had more information and actually looked into it and also found this blog where the nuances were being discussed and let out a breath of relief that I was just using my critical thinking skills lmao

There are so many men out there who just aren’t given a chance bc society is set up for them to fall into a certain role. And I think a lot of men are trying to break that role and stereotypes. I became a dream fan bc I saw him doing this, saw a gamerboy in 2020 who was passionate and excelled at the game but didn’t fall into the toxicity of the space, actively fought against it.

and women should not be encouraged to drag men through hell bc they feel empowered by the rhetoric of recent years. women can and are just as selfish and shitty people as men. Sometimes they are worse

we’ve gone so far off center, we’ve essentially gone from one extreme to another. Which I learned two years ago was called terfs 😂 the movement needs to go back to its previous meaning. Feminism is not solely female empowerment it is the deconstructing of the patriarchal roles and belief that push men and women into boxes. Feminism, as I was taught over a decade ago, was the fight for women and MEN to be equal and have the same rights and opportunities. We can uplift women without putting down men. if this feminist movement doesn’t correct itself, it will allow more men like andrew tate to grow and influence young men.

The lack of female representation in the sphere cannot be corrected by women. It just can’t. Men need to be part of the change bc if the environment is not corrected, women cannot succeed and thrive. They can become successful but the hate and obstacles directed towards them is crazy. This is in general not just for streaming.

It can’t just be women solidarity, men need to learn and actively engage in calling out misogynist behavior. Women need to talk with their males friends and call them out when they say or act in disgusting ways. Women need to hold women accountable as well! It is unfair and unattainable to put female equality solely in the hands of women. We need to All work together.

Puffy is so good at this when she streams, especially on the smp. Hell, she even created a whole villain arc to call out the people telling her to “be a therapist to Tommy, omg your like dreams mom”. Puffy is awesome 🥹

men =/ bad

women =/ good

PREACH ANON

this breaks it all down so well and i really sympathize with you about having a poor view of some men in your life and trying to not let that influence your views but also not go so far off the other end that you end up blindly defending them without critical thinking.

Really important discussions and introspection about how your thought processes work that I think everyone should have at least once when situations like this come up

#ask #anon #anti drummyache tag

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sugarschnaps · 8 months

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Julie HCs because her official page is as long as my attention span

Her official page is literally barely even there. It's just her game bio and THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE. More TCM lore or WE RIOT !!! Anyway I love Julie and she can be summarised in one sentence as my anxious baby sunflower ─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

It's canon that Julie is a very physically active person. However we don't know what sports exactly she does, but I'd like to HC that she plays football (soccer to the rest of the world, I'm British besties) and does distance running, dabbling in swimming a fair amount too. She goes surfing during the summer as well, she's literally always working on some kind of a physical thing. She doesn't go to the gym, sis doesn't need to.

She's the one that everybody goes to when it comes to style choices and the like. She does makeup on her friends for fun, the boys are not at all exempt from that, she especially loves to do makeup on them actually. You wouldn't be safe from her if she had a makeup brush in hand. Her whole desk at home is literally COVERED in makeup products divided based on whether they're hers or someone else's, takes special care of hygiene things too.

Julie might have a lot of energy, but that energy does NOT translate into how she acts with her friends. She's actually surprisingly quiet, tending to take to action more than with her words. She's a ball of anxiety usually, insecure on just about everything there is to be worried about. She's a brilliant listener because she doesn't know how to start conversations. She was absolutely "adopted" into the group by one of the more outgoing characters.

She'd cry if she got someone's coffee order wrong. Like she'd accidentally put a bit too much sugar in and when it's brought up she'd feel so guilty she'd just sit there trying not to cry- Of course, people would reassure her that it's okay and it's not the end of the world, but the poor girl is just so upset. She feels like a terrible friend whenever she makes the tiniest mistake or causes a minor inconvenience to her friends.

Girl does not know how to be mean to someone. Like she'd be stuck between "are you okay" and "im sorry" and say "are you sorry" then start crying

Literally always uses the softest tone of voice possible when she talks to people, she's actually rlly quiet. Like everyone thinks "oh she does a lot of sports she's totally a tomboy" but she's just there enjoying her friends being themselves and just thinking about how much she loves all of them

The rest of the time, though, she's the calmest presence literally ever. She's the secret keeper and the comforter. She is literally so good at reassuring people, like she's better than a licensed therapist (tbh tho in the uk the standard for them is LOW) when it comes to helping people cool off emotionally. She gives the best advice. Probably gives cuddles to her friends when they're stressed out, gives them little kisses on the top of their head and tells them they're going to be alright in fifty different ways until they calm down. She knows the love languages of everyone around her and makes sure to appeal to those in a platonic sense.

She's a good friend because she tries to be, not because she's absolutely capable in everything like the others might be. She's not intellectual in the same way Sonny or Ana might be, she's much more people smart than book smart- Can read you like an open book but will say absolutely nothing bc her fear of confrontation is real af

Julie volunteers in community gardens and at animal shelters when she isn't especially busy. It's just a habit of hers to try her best to give where she can. She's not the type that can really protect her friends, too scared of arguments and too weak to physically do much other than flee. Her heart is pure gold, and that's why her friends instead choose to protect her.

She uses every single cute nickname there is for her friends. Has some special ones set aside for specific people, but always ends up calling people "babe" (canon), "sugarcube", "hun", and the like. She also jokingly calls Leland "tough guy", change my mind (you cannot)

She's talented in a lot of things, but she doesn't quite see it. She's pretty decent with arts as well as sports, maybe not the best with literature things, but where it comes to energy and expression she absolutely excels. She was definitely that one nice popular girl. Like she'd always try her best to at the very least make up for people who were bullying other people and all that, y'know what I mean?

Her dream for the future is literally just to have two dogs. Golden retrievers specifically, but she's more than happy with the idea of more dogs. She wouldn't mind the whole romantic partner, picket-fence ideal, but she's more there for the furry babies (the dogs, which she can't decide on a name for) than she is for the romantic ideal.

She cannot, and I genuinely mean CANNOT cook anything without being worried she's undercooked it. She gets really anxious about the kitchen in general. Tends to stick to sandwiches and pre-cooked foods because she's always nervous about burning the house down. The only reason it doesn't affect her body because she's super active, honestly.

SCENTED CANDLES IN HER ROOM I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH SHE HAS PINE SCENTS, CINNAMON SCENTS, AND ALSO WOODSMOKE Taking no criticisms this is CANON.

Closest to Sonny out of everyone. They have the kind of friendship where they're remarkably similar in key traits people notice about them (examples being that they're both anxious people and they would do literally anything they possibly could to help their friends despite maybe not being suited to it) and they feel like they make up for each others' shortcomings. They have friend dates on fridays and she does his makeup for him, probably tells him orange brings out his eyes and sakfkahfkhhfuhr they're literally just friends and I love that for them

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

I love Julie so much I literally just want to make her flower crowns and give her cuddles I SWEAR

#tcm game #texas chainsaw massacre #julie crawford #julie tcm #headcanon #sonny williams #they're not dating they're just platonically married #I literally cannot stress this enough #I dont care its canon #wholesome #she is so baby #sonny tcm

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awoooooooooooooooo · 18 days

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Basically had a 2-3 day long emotional meltdown because ermm mistakes were made feelings were hurt while navigating a new scary situation with my wife and her new girlfriend 😭 long post talking about that under the read more

We've been poly for 5 out of 7 years of our relationship but this situation hadn't come up yet. Bc my wife has barely dated at all this whole time tbh lol.

But we both stupidly assumed that it would be fine, like we didn't really sit down and talk about feelings or expectations or boundaries before this situation (her gf coming to stay the night at my home while I'm there), bc we're like, we've been poly for a long time, we talked about this stuff years ago. Ive been having casual sex a lot and whatever. So it's all good, like we're all good. Ssssoooooo wrong could not be more wrong. So so so dumb of both of us. Dumb of me to ignore my own feelings and needs, and dumb of my wife to not check in with me about that stuff, and other mistakes she made during this that caused pain for me... (That I forgive her for)

The worst part was how bad it hurt, seeing them together and being affectionate. Like doubled over, clutching my chest, heaving sobbing uncontrollably kind of hurting. The feelings it brought up were so intense and scary. I started to worry that I'm not actually polyamorous, bc it hurt so bad and I was so scared it was never going to stop. But we talked a lot, and I spilled so so much vulnerable shit, stuff that I didn't even realize I was still struggling with, stuff that I was avoiding dealing with or even thinking about. I connected my feelings to traumatic memories with my parents, my past relationships, my old friends, and it started to make sense... It hurt so bad because it felt like all my worst fears were coming true, and all the negative beliefs I held about myself that I was working on in therapy were actually all true, and my wife is going to leave me when she realizes she can do better, and that I'm actually bad and unlovable and broken and just not good enough. WHEW!!!!!!! That's a lot of shit to deal with, hitting me all at once, and because of the circumstances I couldn't talk to my wife about how I was feeling for like... 12 hours. (Although I could have, but I was so scared of intruding on her time with her girlfriend, which actually wouldn't have been a problem, but yet another thing we should have thought to discuss beforehand lol) I think it makes perfect sense why I felt the way I did. I think that my wife and I both made dumb mistakes that led to that hurt and it could have been avoided or mitigated. But in the end the hurting was mostly all about me, and my insecurities and trauma, and a little bit of mistakes my wife made that she recognized and apologized for, and as I work thru that, the feeling of dread about my wife loving someone else is starting to go away. Because I love her very much, and I know she loves me very much, I trust her completely when she tells me that she's committed to me for the rest of our lives. And I know how it feels to love her so so much, and also love another person, and how my feelings for her and other people I care for are totally separate and I never compare her to others or anything like that.

But god I really truly was not prepared for how that felt and how much it hurt. For days. Like I haven't felt like that since my cat died. I think I really was going thru the stages of grief, grieving the loss of having my wife completely to myself, grieving for my younger selves who were hurt so so badly that it still hurts today and I haven't really been there for those parts of me. Clearly. The good thing is that now that I've spilled my heart out to my wife and talked through this stuff and identified where the hurt is coming from, I can go to my therapist and be like. Hey. This dug up a lot of shit that clearly I have been avoiding working on. And she will help me work through it. And then I'll be even healthier, stronger emotionally, and happier. And my wife will be happier too, having her new girlfriend and me both loving her and supporting her, and me working on this stuff can only be good for our relationship..

It was all really scary and painful but now that the pain is subsiding I can see how it's going to be good for us. And I love being polyamorous! Before this happened I genuinely was so happy for my wife! And her gf, because I know my wife is so wonderful and loving and I know she makes her gf really happy like she does for me. It made me think of all the people I see saying that polyamory is like .. fucked up, it can't work in the long run, it's not natural, etc... and I thought about how those people may have felt similar to how I was feeling, that horrible painful feeling of betrayal and fear of losing someone you love. But my trust and love for my wife is so strong, idk... I think so many people are terrified of facing those huge scary feelings and finding that the root of it all is their own insecurities and trauma and stuff. It's easy to be like, you hurt me, I'm blaming you and I won't do this anymore to avoid that hurt feeling again. It's really really hard to look inside yourself and be like, am I actually just not wired for this, or do I just have a lot of shit I need to work through. I definitely believe I'm wired for this... AND I have a LOT of shit that I was avoiding that needs to be dealt with now.

I asked my therapist to meet me sooner and she got me rescheduled asap, she's so awesome and such a great therapist. I'm feeling a lot better now and looking forward to working through all of this. And I just love my wife so so so much. Idk I just typed this all up to kinda sort thru my shit before my appointment LOL and idk maybe if I have other poly followers that can relate it might be helpful or if anyone has kind words or advice I would really appreciate it 🖤 if anyone reads this whole thing lmao

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starz4valen · 4 months

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queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

#queer #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer community #in need of advice #queer advice #aroace #aromantic #asexual #bisexual #questioning #help. me.#utterly confused 💥

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craycraybluejay · 6 months

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Also, I'm like scared to admit some things to my therapist even tho I know she's very respectful or confidentiality and very kind. Because like. The paranoia. What if I black out and do something super stupid and They can use what I said in therapy against me to "prove" I was lucid. What if something bad happens to someone around me who is suspicion going to be cast on first even if I didn't do anything even if it was like the guy 5 doors down killed his friend but bc I'm the freak I'm a suspect. What if someone says something accidentally really bad that they didn't mean like that but because I know them in some way or other I'm accused of something bad even though nothing happened at all. And then even if the person clarifies they didn't mean anything like that it's just assumed that I did something to make them say that or something. I'm just. So fucking paranoid about something, anything going badly around me because I know, I KNOW it's going to be considered my fault no matter what. Even if I stay fully passive and never step on any toes, the more I talk about my thoughts and feelings the more I feel like I'm digging myself into a death trap. I feel watched, alien. Like an immigrant in a right wing country everything that goes bad is my fault. Like a victim of child emotional abuse. Like the scapegoat. The boogeyman to hoist all the problems on. I protect people, but who will protect me? Maybe I should start with these worries next time I see my therapist so she can give me any info she knows about what can actually happen in a situation like that and how she'd go about it if she had to breach confidentiality.

#personal #vent #paranoia #paranoid #eyes on me eyes on me eyes everywhere on me on me on me #actually schizospec #the problem with therapy is therapists r still required to snitch under some conditions #i want a service thats like 'you dont need a license for this but ur just under contract not to take anything said within these walls out-#-no matter what. under any and all circumstances. even life or death'#is that a thing? can someone sign a contract of unconditional silence even under duress?#it should be a thing. not just for married people. which. i should get married to the right person.#not bc i respect the institution of marriage but because myself and a platonic/sexual partner could benefit from it massively #just. agh. i feel so watched. holy mother of god!!!

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icedmetaltea · 6 months

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Ngl I feel kinda somber now that it's Officially November...

(just sad thoughts)

All I have to look forward to is Thanksgiving and Christmas, both of which are family-themed holidays if that makes sense and it just makes me remember I'm now not in contact with my sibling. I may not even be staying with my parents by christmas, I may be back in my old apartment all alone or at a new one, still alone.

It wouldn't have mattered even if my sibling was still staying there, they were going to go on a vacation to Europe through christmas this year so I would've been alone anyways.

And like... due to climate change n all, September and October here were basically still summer. It's only now starting to feel consistently cold. I only have November, December, January and maybe February to look forward to before it starts warming up again and with it my anxiety, which I've only just now gotten under control.

It feels like I'm having shorter and shorter timeframes during the year (cool or cold months) where I'm not having horrific anxiety and ya know feel ok with the whole being alive thing. If I have to wait for just a small fraction of the year to not feel like dying, then like what's the point in living?? It becomes a quality of life problem at that point.

If you spend so much of your time just surviving, it's not really living, now is it?

It's just impending doom hanging over me, nothing new there. Now that my sibling is close to moving I have to worry about where I'll live by the end of the month, about financial aid and getting back into school (online if possible), getting a part time job for the first time, living alone for the first time, if I can get back on ebt... so many fucking things. Which ofc doesn't help with the suicidal thoughts. And ofc my mom had to bring up how all the war with palestine is seeming like The End Times according to the bible and my existential anxiety did not like that.

If god's real (the one my parents believe in anyway) I am of course going to hell. If god's real they're evil, or at least apathetic to the world's suffering, so I have to contend with both a god that hates me and a devil that loves making people suffer. I keep telling myself it's not real but ya know religious trauma and all that shit... Like I want to just turn off my emotions and remind myself if it is real Ok I guess I'll Die and Burn in Hell tm but at the same time it's like why not just make it quicker while I'm having and have so many guns around me.

Don't worry tho this year was the worst my depression or anxiety's ever been and I didn't attempt suicide even during the worst of panic attacks (tho it was tempting, and I couldn't exactly move enough to reach for anything dangerous) so at this point future me prolly won't. And hopefully I can continue speaking to the therapist I'm seeing even when I move.

I just fucking wish my parents would stop reminding me that half this country doesn't believe in climate change and thinks Israel is the victim in the war going on and all this other shit like can you BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE PLS. But no I'm just a stupid young person I guess, what do I know, what's my word compared to THE BIBLE or facebook or where ever she gets her info...

And ofc my therapist brought up a good point, aside from my parents and sister I genuinely have nobody irl I can turn to when things go sideways. I don't know if I ever will. When I say I have a resting murder face and an aura that makes people stay away from me I'm not joking and she rlly thinks it's all just a negative view of myself, but it's true. People are scared of me I think, always have been, it's just the vibe I give off.

So I will continue my life without friends and without people who will believe me when I talk about stuff like climate change and that is that. That's not to say I don't cherish online friendships, but I mean just like people I can depend on to really be there, to take me in if I genuinely can't take care of myself, bc it got like that for months and I couldn't so much as wash my own dishes or myself and I don't want to be alone when it happens again, and I know it fucking will.

But yea, I figured i should write this all down while it's fresh on my mind so I can reference it before my next appointment in two weeks...

#irl stuff #vent #Metaltea talks #tw suicide #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw religion

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callsign-marlie · 2 years

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I'd love to read something where Hangman changes how open he is about his feelings/how much he cares about people once his s/o breaks down his walls. And he'd definitely be teased by the squad bc he basically worships the ground his partner walks on and has a really hard time saying no to them.

hangman attempting to not being emotionally constipated in public is my kink. this is more of an after of this general idea, but he's not perfect and still struggling with it. he's trying ok??

8 Ball Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x gn! s/o Reader Rated: E Warning: Mention of fighter jets being shot down. Writing time: ~45 minutes Jake and Bradley play pool and talk about Hangman's inability to do 'feelings'.

--- "I don't know man, I just..." Jake tapped his pool cue rhythmically against the ground, his eyes looking everywhere but Rooster. He took a deep breath and groaned. "--I can't fucking do this. I can't talk to you about this shit, you'll just rag on me like everyone else." "Sure you can," Rooster replied coolly, lining up his shot on the billiards table with precision. "Just say it. It's easy. Besides I'm not Payback, I won't hold this to you for blackmail. You gotta talk about it." "I'm not really the 'huggy, feely, I'm going to talk about my feelings to another dude' type, Bradshaw. Never was," he scoffed, fingers tracing the wood lined table. "You never seem to have a problem having heart to hearts with (y/n)," the pilot muttered, sinking a stripe in the pocket. He circled the table to plan his next move. He never let his eyes leave the table, knowing Jake's embarrassment in the current situation. He could at least give him that courtesy.

"That's because I trust them, unlike your unreliable ass," he scowled, watching Rooster line up for a second time. "At least I know they won't judge me when I cry over something stupid."

"You cry?" Rooster looked up, completely whiffing the cue ball. "Ah fuck," he muttered. "Scratched. You're up."

Jake took his position on the velvet aiming a solid along the far corner pocket. "Yes, believe it or not, this handsome face can leak salt water like everyone else." "What kind of stupid shit do you cry about?" Jake tipped his eyes up to Bradley, who was taking a sip of his beer. "What are you, my therapist? Don't need your help, thank you very much," he grumbled, taking a shot without looking. The solid purple ball rolled perfectly into its slot.

"Just trying to help, fuck, Hangman, you sure the stick's on the table and not up your ass?" Rooster rolled his eyes.

Hangman was quiet for a moment as he pondered his next shot. "Yeah, pretty sure. I don't need your help, bud."

"Don't you think it's a little unfair sometimes, though?" Rooster moved closer to the table, eyeing the change in the field. "Making them worry about you like that all the time? You'd feel even better talking about this shit with someone who actually knows what you're going through, sometimes. Talking to your partner is great, but let's face it: they don't know the full extent of what you have to deal with on the daily like myself or any of the other Daggers do."

Hangman frowned . (y/n) was strong, kind and capable of handing any emotion that he could throw at them. They never hesitated to listen and never dared to give a suggestion on how to go about things unless he asked them to. "They're not some weakling. They can handle it, as they've told me many times before. Besides, they want to know about things I struggle with so they can actually help if they have to. You know, for richer or for poorer and all that jazz?"

"Would you let them help you if you needed it, though?"

Jake paused. Would he?

"There's your answer," Rooster confirmed, his arms crossed over his chest. "The hesitation says it all."

Jake laid his cue on the wood table, his hands bracing himself on top of it. He took a deep breath. "I'm scared, man. About Phoenix and Bob."

That was news to Bradley's ears. He tilted his head to the side. "What about them?"

"The way they made those shots on the enemy bogies other day I just... I don't know. I thought they were gonna-" he trailed off. No, finish the thought, Seresin.

Rooster was waiting with bated breath.

"I just-- I don't want them ending up like me. Seeing death everywhere they go and shit. Taking someone's life isn't easy, but I know I don't have to tell you that either," he whispered, picking up his cue again. "Just about all of us are killers now, Rooster. They're too gentle for that weight. You know what? Scratch that, Phoenix could probably handle it, but Bob? Good lord, that man's gonna end up in church every Sunday for the rest of his life begging for forgiveness. I know a good southern boy when I see one."

Hangman took the shot, and missed. Huh. That hasn't happened in a while.

"Since when did you start worrying about other people?" "Since I now have other people to worry about," he stated matter-of-factly. "(y/n) taught me that much, at least. We're a team them and I, y'all and myself too. And the cohesion of the team depends on how much we can trust each other."

Rooster smiled. "And you still don't trust me yet?" Rooster was lining up the solid 8 ball since the last of his stripes landed in their respective pocket. "Middle close for the win."

"I can't make my mind up about you," Hangman replied, taking a sip from his beer. "As infuriating as your inability to make a decision is, you're not a bad guy. Can't say I trust you yet, but maybe if we fly a little more and you can keep up, I'll be more comfortable.

Rooster took the shot, sinking the porcelain. "And that's game, Seresin. You buy the next round the next time we're here!"

After cleaning up, Rooster clapped a hand on Hangman's shoulder. "Look man, I'm not mad about 'not a bad guy'; 'ts probably the nicest thing you've called me yet!" He let out a chuckle as they walked through the entrance of the Hard Deck. "But Seriously, thanks for sharing that. If you ever struggle with the thought of the death and dying thing? Just call me. I think about it too. We can shoot some pool again sometime and talk it out, ok?"

Jake's throat tightened at the contact, looking down towards his boots. He did is best to stop the tears from rolling. "Y-Yeah. I'd like that. Thanks, Rooster. I'll- I'll, uh, I'll see you later." Hangman was the first one to extend his hand.

Rooster shook it.

#top gun maverick #hangman fanfiction #hangman x reader #hangman x gnreader #god these two and their developing friendship would be so good to see #ANSWERED.#sorry it wasn't *exactly* what you were looking for nonny ^^; my brain took it and ran with it!#but maybe i'll do a little hangman does anything for his s/o and the gang laughs at him too :)#hangman top gun #jake seresin #rooster bradshaw #rooster top gun

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piganatur · 1 year

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the eighth sense ep9-10

ok so this is very chaotic and long so everyone, brace yourself lol

After that gut-wrenching ending of ep8 we’re back in the therapist's office’s deep, underwater world. I love that there’s hardly any sound (and absolutely no music) whenever we’re in that office, it’s so silent as if it’s underwater, all is still. The sentence that sets Jaewon into motion, however, is his therapist telling him he’s selfish. That line literally pushes Jaewon not only to turn and face his therapist but to stand up and ‘protect’ himself against the statement. The only thing that can shake Jaewon is Jihyun (or the mere mention of him). He wants to protect Jihyun, but his therapist says he’s selfish for deciding things alone, for not considering Jihyun’s feelings, that’s basically the same as others hurting Jihyun. It’s an accusation of See? What you’re doing is what you want to protect him from

There are these lines that make me pause for a moment, giving me the urge to grip something bc 😩 Like Jaewon reasoning how he approached Jihyun first, what he literally says is ‘bc I reached my hands out to him first’ and I’m a weak bitch whenever it comes to hands (the mere mention of hands and I’m on the floor~) let it be holding, grabbing, not letting go of or reaching out and all their connotations so I’m just 😭😭😭😭😭 And now I’m thinking about Jaewon’s inability to see that he reached out first but Jihyun has been reaching out over and over again and maybe that only reminded him of this very first act, the one that, sometimes, he probably wished never even happened but what eventually saved him? (also, *vague hand gestures* it's a mirroring action-reaction kinda thing and I’m just *clenches fist*)

Not gonna lie, Jihyun scared me for a moment, being so inside his head and pondering so hard while walking with Joonpyo (like Jaewon’s vacant state got passed onto him BUT that’s another parallel so am I complaining? ofc NOT) friggin parallels and mirror conversations 😬😬😬 I’m just a shell of a person filled to the brim with t8s parallels now (should I make a post about all the parallels in all the episodes?? should I spiral into absolutely insane territory???)

As a viewer, it’s interesting to see Jihyun worry and actually waver (on a surface level) because of what Eunji told him (that Jaewon won’t even mention nor talk about him, like Jaewon talks about ANYTHING with Eunji… wow okay I’m sorry but this is too funny I share more connection with a roadside snail than these two did in the rekindled version of their relationship no.2) That scene shows just how inexperienced and young Jihyun is while simultaneously telling about his character growth and his response to fear (much like his final conversation with Jaewon about being afraid and maybe I’ll write an overall analysis about that, about overcoming fear in t8s but now it’s still just a scattered mess inside my head and I’m really not in any state to try and get into Jaewon’s head anytime in the near future so….)

I love LOVE the club room discussion: ◦ first Jihyun wordlessly comforting Jaewon, not letting go of his hand, ◦ then shouldering all the blame so the surfing club can get re-approved, ready to give up something if that means, in turn, giving something to Jaewon, ◦ and then Yoonwon showing vulnerability – these are the scenes that make t8s so special to me… the buildup in this scene, the little things following each other that make Jaewon snap out of his stoic state to comfort a friend because he is a caring person and Yoonwon is his friend… these particles build on each other to push Jaewon to react, to move and do something (much like Jihyun finding - w/ the help of Joonpyo - Jaewon’s pictures and realising that Jaewon did not give up on photography and that fact propelling him to support Jaewon’s dream and giving him another camera?) It’s all action and reaction, some clear and loud, some like these snippets ready to get connected to reveal their final meaning

And I love that when Jihyun gifted the new camera the backdrop of that scene is a cluttered rock wall, all these one-of-a-kind entities of different sizes and forms backing them up from behind, when Jaewon is still at the point where he tries to piece his life together.

And Jihyun waits for him at a boulder that’s separate from the rest, where Jaewon joins him and then Jihyun gives him something precious and leaves. Jaewon stays there, because after everything that went down, much like Jihyun, that singular boulder is a certain and unshakable place. And he accepts what Jihyun gave him.

So when Eunji kisses him, Jaewon sees with his own eyes that what he does is actively hurting Jihyun because finally FINALLY he looks at Jihyun and what he sees is the pain he inflicted. It dawns on him, in that moment, that his actions are causing Jihyun harm, and that’s exactly what he wanted to protect Jihyun from. So he does what his therapist said and works on himself first (and I love how the creators play with/and portray time without blatantly stating how much of it passes)

Also, Eunji pls sit down and stop saying Jaewon is back in his right mind. He has changed clothes like once in the past 2 weeks ffs… Oh, but Jaewon throwing that same line back to her face? I apologise, I wasn’t in my right mind yoooooooooooooooooo

When Jaewon said We’re done I was already cackling. Followed by the you’ve worked hard ...let’s agree that he was NOT talking about their assignment shdhgfhdhg. Another perfect establishing line for the following scene (also, Jaewon served in the navy?? he is i n s a n e)

But back to Jaewon's road to realisation…Sajangnim is so real and I appreciate her every second I see her (also, like, everyone can be an oppa as long as they’re handsome😉). She literally beats some sense into Jaewon lol. It wouldn’t be the same if someone didn’t get boinked on the head with a spoon, that’s the sk experience~~~

The fact that both Jihyun and Jaewon were heavily led in the direction of finding answers by the advice of WOMEN *can I get an AMEN?* yes, I’m back at my women portrayed in t8s shit again

lmao I’m sorry but that Conan Gray song doesn’t even play for 0.3 seconds and Jihyun is already like yo Joonpyo do u know this song it’s so nice? hahaha but seriously,

I really like that Jaewon walks to Jihyun because walking with purpose is soooo powerful. He makes his way steadily and with determination towards happiness. He doesn't need to run, there is no need for that rush of urgency bc we always see these flashy and big actions portrayed as the picture of ultimate declaration (of yearning/wanting/striving for a better existence) when in reality, the quiet and sure things are just as valid, and often filled with more power.

The first time Jaewon unconsciously wandered (through roads he previously took w/ Jihyun) back to the samgyeopsal restaurant it made him smile, his heart led him there. This time however, he makes that choice consciously, he chooses to go to Jihyun and his every step is filled with that decision and with dedication...to pursue Jihyun and pursue happiness because Jihyun IS happiness to Jaewon and once his mind no longer fights it, going to Jihyun and trying is the simplest and most reasonable thing to do. The magic of Jaewon’s power walk is the conscious gravity of that realisation, of that act.

while watching the opening of ep10 all I could think of was t8s 🤝 tms: starts off teasing (the whole season) with clips that only happen in the last ep

If I’m honest, out of all the episodes, ep9-10 were the choppiest, but I get it, they had a lot to cover. There’s no swell, no smooth transition between the scenes, just a wave we climb and when it’s gone we hop onto another wave. Also, the experience of the last ep is akin to reading a c-webnovel where you get to the extras after the main story’s end… well, ep10 is all those extras combined:

◦ idk call me petty but Taehyung and Eunji are toxic people, I wouldn’t want them in my life for anything. Jaewon forgiving them is one thing bc it gives him closure but I hope as hell he cuts those two snakes out for good ◦ Jihyun’s dilemma of when was our first day (as a couple) is so ‘dating and romantic relationships in sk 101’ ◦ ily tipsy Jihyun, ily unruly Jaewon

I love everything @emotionallychargedtowel said in this post (thank you for the wonderful observations, your gripes are valid, I have even more lol) especially the bit about wanting, asking for, or expecting a certain level of care from the important people in our lives, Jiyun’s game, and the pursuer-distancer bit OMG THANK YOU FOR WRITING THAT!!! Jihyun’s game is my fav moment from the last two eps (closely followed by the opening sequence of ep10), it tells so much about his attitude and dedication towards their relationship

And on this note, I agree 120% with everything @emotionallychargedtowel and @jemmo wrote about the complexity of their relationship showed by the ‘twist to conventional roles' (and might I add, not just in queer romance but in romance as a genre too) Not me thinking about my post about Jaewon and Jihyun both actively romancing each other because for equality in a relationship, there has to be space for the ppl involved to move around, and at times, switch places (like taking care of one’s partner, be the one to woo them… then being taken care of, being wooed and so on) because it’s a dance where they take turns to lead depending on the situation because they both want this, because they feed into each other’s happiness.

Jaewon teases Jihyun, establishing again and again that he knows Jihyun is young, younger than Jaewon himself but he does NOT patronise Jihyun for it. It’s an indulgent way of acknowledging his bf’s youth while fully regarding him as an adult. And whenever Jihyun tries to downplay their age gap, whenever he puts them on the same standing with the casual slips of banmal, Jaewon is so happy to be treated like a friend, like someone of the same age as Jihyun. He doesn’t try to use his hyung status as leverage… it’s a balancing act, it is give-and-take and letting Jihyun give back and letting himself receive just as much because Jaewon appreciates Jihyun and takes him seriously as a person, not just as a cute younger boyfriend in need of doting on.

Then I saw this post from @jemmo and I’m !!!!!!!!

will you meet me more than halfway? 😭😭😩😩

Thank you for sharing that song and that particular line bc isn’t that what Jihyun did again and again, meeting Jaewon more than halfway?? Even at the end of ep9 he waited for Jaewon and when he saw him, he went down to meet him in front of the dorms. Jihyun took that extra step, once again meeting Jaewon more than halfway and ever since watching that scene my chest is so full

All in all, The Eighth Sense is a beautifully crafted, though evoking drama, full of passion and love apparent from its detailed and consistent plotline, believable three-dimensional characters, exceptional quality and cinematography. It made me kinda obsessed for 5 weeks and evoked thoughts and feelings I have not experienced since To My Star: Our Untold Stories. Everyone involved in making this drama deserves praise and an enormous round of applause 👏👏👏👏 Very well done 💕💕💕

#this drama will keep living in my head rent free #여덟번째 감각 #the eighth sense #i've been meaning to write this for days now #this is once again awfully long #not @me when I saw jaewon dipping his feet INTO THE HAN RIVER he is actually fearless beyond belief #but yeah i know #it was him desperately wanting to reconnect with the good and wonder that trip and jihyun introduced him to and not the trauma it gave #and water is his medium #always has been #i know #that transition was a beautiful visual perception but...the HAN RIVER #yuu pls move on #also i didnt even remember clearest blue was in heartstopper lol my frail brain cant remember shit

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thatwildnya · 2 years

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commission time!

thank you @thicity-dicity for that sweet succulent cash money i hope you enjoy the first batch!

general pre-relationship headcanons

Heartslabyul edition

Riddle

this poor boy doesn’t realize his feelings until someone points it out

he’s so confused why he can’t stay mad at you

you keep breaking rules but he feels bad doing anything more than a slap on the wrist

thinks you put a curse on him

then Cater is like “maybe u r feeling sexual attraction?”

suddenly everything clicks

he starts screaming and is having a mini breakdown sir please calm down you’re scaring the hedgehogs

if you listen closely you can hear chenya falling from a tree

drew up a hypothesis and puts it to the test dear doitsu just confess you tiny horny teen

his confession is simple, asks you out for dinner and confesses with a bouquet of roses he grew and tended himself

he has an adorable blush and can’t look you in the eyes it’s so cute

when you accept he gets this huge grin on his face and gives your hand a kiss

if you give him a kiss on the cheek he’ll jerk away in surprise sputtering nonsense but he’s still got that adorable grin

will hide his face if you point it out, telling you it’s not true

kiss him on the mouth and he’s out for the count

spends the rest of the night in a daze and barely registers anything

will hold your hand for the rest of the night but only if you initiate

Trey

realizes his feelings fairly quickly but isn’t in a hurry to confess

he’s only 18 there’s no rush for him to find the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with

definitely one to test out the waters before confessing

flirts with you so much he’s bent on making you blush

instead of waiting for you to come to him for help he seeks you out

likes to show off for you (and of course teases you when he’s successful)

Purposely makes the kitchen warmer so he has an excuse to take off his shirt while he bakes OwO

feeds you sweets so much you’ll gain weight if you’re not careful

not that he’ll mind, he finds chubby people attractive he gets this weird urge to feed and spoil them with sweets whenever he sees them

confesses with, surprise surprise, a cake!

when you accept he hugs you and gives your forehead a smooch

glues himself to your side a week

good luck getting away he wants to make sure everyone understands you’re his

Cater

this man takes for fucking ever to finally accept his feelings

you won’t realize his feelings unless you squint

he’s either seeking you out or avoiding you like the plague

please see a therapist you depressed f♢ckboy

spends hours at a time scrolling through your socials if you post a lot

drags you out to visit trendy restaurants and stores

gets pouty if you ignore him

confesses on accident

you’re taking pictures and when he’s editing them you overhear him say ‘ugh I’m down so bad.”

upon realizing what he said he goes

and tries to play it cool he totally planned this what are you talking about

this was the best image i could find through my laptop pls don't come for my ass

his face is red? it’s just a bit hot in here *insert nervous laughter*

you’re inside in the air conditioning. you become concerned.

gives you a suffocating hug when you accept and will pick up and twirl you around if you he can

he’s got a goofy grin and slight blush he looks so cute right now

smack his phone away if he tries to pull a ‘must blog this moment’

don’t worry his case is really sturdy you won’t break it

Ace

this asshat bullies and teases you like a child when he likes someone no questions asked

says the stupidest things to get your attention

‘you think beastmen have to deal with fleas?’ ‘ace you fuckhead it’s 1 in the morning go the fuck to sleep’

drags you to his club so he can show off

Jamil and Floyd see right through him and make it their mission to embarrass him instead

well Floyd is the one who’s mostly being an ass Jamil just gets dragged into his schemes bc he’s there

Ace better be careful if he gets too obvious and takes too long to confess Floyd will get bored and straight up out him

when he flirts it's 50/50 he either succeeds with flying colors or it turns into a dumpster fire

same goes for if you flirt back, he either plays it cool or becomes a stuttering mess and tries to escape

learned the hard way not to flirt during club time Floyd threw a basketball at his head and ended up with a bump that lasted a week

someone please put the bipolar man child in time out for that

if you’re lucky he’ll buy you a gift when he confesses

it’s cheap chocolates that were on clearance he doesn’t get much allowance cut him some slack okay

accept and he lets out a victory shout

he’s glued to your side from then on for at least a month have fun dealing his jackassery

ate half the chocolate he got for you this is what you signed up for

Deuce

like Riddle someone probably needs to spell it out for him

it’s his mom that enlightens him

look he’s always gushing about you to her she sees right through him

whenever he sees you he comes up to you asking if you need help with anything

offers to carry your stuff for you or help you with any chores you have

takes you on a magical circle wheel ride weeeeee

please go watch him during his club practice and track meets you can practically see a tail wagging behind him

Jack helps him show off like a true bro would it’s part of the bro code okay

follows mama’s advice like the good boy he is and buys you flowers and chocolates for the confession

he wrote a speech but he keeps stuttering and at some point yells ‘fuck it’ and in the heat of the moment grabs your face and kisses you

please please please kiss him back he will be in an intense happy daze for the rest of the day and follow you like a lovesick puppy

he’s flustered for a month after you two become an item and is in disbelief you accepted please do your best to make him feel loved

~~bonus~~

Ace made a bet with Floyd and Jamil that if he could make a basket he would confess. he did not come close to making it. if you listen closely you can hear his senpai's making fun of him to this day.

#nya's writing #gn!reader #heartslabyul hcs #heartslaybul x reader #riddle x reader #trey x reader #cater x reader #ace x reader #deuce x reader #twst hcs #twst headcanons #twst romantic headcanons #twisted wonderland #twst #twst x reader #romantic twst

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multi-lefaiye · 9 months

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i remember.

hi. this is some venty ass personal writing that i had to get out of my system. i might delete this in a bit bc i feel weird talking about it, but i also know that i have to just. get this out. and y'know maybe if i try to make something artsy out of this, at least it's worth something.

this is a lot. i do not expect anyone to read it. i also do not expect anyone (especially those of you who are younger) to comfort me about any of this. y'all are not my therapists, and the onus is not on you to be there for me. i'm not upset about this right now and i honestly just... need to get this out.

content warnings: child abuse, physical abuse of a partner, neglect, a brief reference to child sexual abuse, drug use/addiction, emotiomal abuse/gaslighting

when i was about seven years old, my ex mom was almost murdered by her drug dealer/boyfriend, and i saw it happen. it sounds a lot more dramatic than it was. it also sounds fake, even to me.

i don't remember most of it, especially not as a single event. it comes in bits and pieces in my memory. for most of my life, i was convinced it was a dream, a very strangely specific recurring nightmare with no basis in reality.

what did it matter that hearing arguing in the next room is enough to have me trembling like a frightened chihuahua, frozen in place yet overwhelmed with the need to hide? that seeing anger, even not directed at me, is terrifying? that's just me being a coward.

then, when i was sixteen, my aunt called me in tears, apologies tumbling from her lips as she begged for my forgiveness for not intervening sooner. i asked her what she meant, and she said that she and the rest of my ex mom's family knew i was in a dangerous, abusive environment, and yet none of them did anything until my ex mom's boyfriend attacked her. they knew, but they didn't want to get involved or make a big deal about it.

they.

fucking.

knew.

i reexamined that strange nightmare, the bits and pieces i know vs the ones she explained to me as i silently processed the reality that the adults in my life knew something was wrong but didn't act on it. it's certainly easier said than done to react to a situation like that, and apparently my mom asked them not to intervene, but still.

like i said, i don't remember a lot of that day. what i do remember comes to me in flashes, scattered and broken puzzle pieces that don't quite fit into a cohesive narrative until i look closer. sometimes i worry that there isn't a single story there at all, and i'll never really know everything about my own trauma.

i remember the weeks leading up to that incident (what a clinical term, so detached). weeks of my mom drifting in and out of reality, not really being there to take care of me. i missed school a lot. i didn't eat much. i was left alone quite a bit. my mom's boyfriend sometimes took care of me when he stopped by. i wish i remembered his name. his face. anything more than his hands.

i remember losing a baby tooth one day while eating breakfast while my ex mom and her boyfriend talked in the next room. i looked at the baby tooth in my palm and felt a rush of giddy excitement--how grown up losing a baby tooth made me feel--and i ran to tell them right away. they congratulated me with thin smiles and tight voices, and they asked me to go play in my room and let the adults keep having an important talk. my ex mom had tears in her eyes. her boyfriend's hand was clenched into a fist where it rested on the table.

i remember someone putting a hand on me between my legs, and i remember being scared. i remember that it hurt. i didn't know where my ex mom was, but i remember being told to keep it a secret with a warm smile and a wink. just between us. i remember being given a cupcake and told to watch cartoons for a while.

i remember endless days of my ex mom lying listlessly in the house, pupils blown wide as she laughed about nothing. my friends' parents never seemed to like her, but they never told me why. i spent a lot of nights at my friends' houses, i think.

i remember hearing an argument. my ex mom was screaming and crying. her boyfriend was screaming back. i was scared, but i wanted to make sure my ex mom was okay. this was a common enough occurrence that i didn't think anything was wrong, but i wanted to give her a hug.

i remember walking into the room and seeing my ex mom on the floor, her hands shielding her head as her boyfriend loomed over her. there was broken glass on the floor and the furniture was in disarray. i think she was bleeding. i asked what was happening. her boyfriend told me to go back to bed.

i remember my ex mom telling me to call for help, to call my grandparents.

i remember him moving to grab me before i could do that, hands reaching like jagged talons to snatch up my skinny little arms in a bruising grip.

i remember running back to my room and closing the door with a slam, locking it immediately. he followed, but he didn't try to break in. there was no phone in my room, after all. no need to worry i'd call someone.

i remember curling up on my bed and staring at the TV, trying to focus on cartoons to drown out the pounding of the blood in my ears.

i remember there being more shouting, furious and terrified screams shaking me and the house to our foundations. the front door slammed, and it was quiet. everything was silent. hours later, i got the courage to leave my room, and i saw my ex mom and her boyfriend were gone.

my ex mom was missing for at least a day, maybe longer. she was found later, broken and battered and barely alive, and taken to a hospital. she was delirious from the pain and there were talks of sending her to rehab while she dealt with the withdrawals from the cocktail of drugs in her system. before they could, she called my aunt and told her where i was.

my aunt came to get me some time later. she packed me a suitcase and drove me to my grandparents' house. for a few weeks, i stayed with them. i remember waking up before dawn every day to drive two hours to school, just to be berated by teachers who were furious i was too exhausted to pay attention. i remember not knowing where my ex-mom was. i remember being so scared all the time.

at some point, my ex mom left rehab. later, i found out that there were talks of sending me to foster care. my ex mom didn't want that to happen, because then my dad would know what happened, so she was going to take me back.

my aunt came back to talk to my grandparents. she spoke to them in a low voice, one i couldn't hear from the other room, and said they needed to get me out of there. for once, they decided not to stand idly by.

i remember a long drive to my dad, a whole state away. i remember him holding me tight, trembling with rage as my aunt told him what happened. i remember being confused, because no one told me where my ex-mom was. my dad told me not to worry about that.

years and years later, i asked my ex mom about all of this. (i wasn't yet calling her my ex mom, but soon i realized the term fit very well.) i asked what happened, and i asked why no one protected me. protected either of us.

she told me i was a liar, that i was a self-righteous, attention-seeking moron looking for sympathy by pretending i was abused. i didn't know what i was talking about, and i had to get over myself and understand that the world didn't revolve around me, the perfect little victim who never did anything wrong. i was against her, just like my aunt, just like my grandparents just like my dad. she just hoped i'd never go through anything like what she did, so i'd never have to realize that no one was going to help me.

(i was a fucking child, i wanted to scream. the words were stuck in my throat. i was a fucking child.)

we haven't spoken in years now.

i don't know how to end this. i call her my ex mom, but she's still out there. still connected to me, if perhaps very distantly. i don't know where she is anymore.

i don't know where i am either sometimes.

#multi makes text posts #multi's writing #negative cw #vent cw #heed the content warnings #idk how to tag this oh god

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littlemissmanga · 5 months

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My outstanding friend! I am here with a blorbo for the oc x oc game!!

Akumi Kota

25 year old female

Pantoran mechanic.

Loves collecting stuffies

Also loves going joyriding on her speeder-bike.

Reckless thrill seeker

addicted to iced caf.

Prone to depressive episodes

Very peppy and optimistic

I will leave the decision for romantic or platonic in your hands!

LUV UUUUU🥰

I am giving you ... Yen!

Yen would take one look at Akumi and think "smol, must protect."

They absolutely bond over their need for iced caf and Yen finds herself almost melancholically in awe of Akumi's optimism. She wishes she could see the good things in the galaxy the way Akumi does and it inspires Yen to do everything she can to make Akumi's world deserve that optimism.

10/10 is buying her stuffies (and an organizer/display/toy chest for them all).

The thrill seeking terrifies the shit outta Yen and I feel like that absolutely leads to an argument or twenty. Yen really struggles with not controlling or being judgemental about it but the thought of Akumi putting herself in risky situations scares the shit out of her and Yen cannot properly convey that in words because admitting it makes it real. But they are close enough that after some time stewing, they talk it out. I feel like Akumi would try to compromise by actively confirming some safety parameters for any thrill seeking and Yen would work her fears out with a therapist/other friends and support Akumi more.

I see them very much starting out as platonic, and if that's all Akumi wants, then that's all it would be. Yen isn't really a romantic and doesn't think in those terms bc she has some abandonment issues and her profession has taught her that once relationships are made romantic and official, people lose their heads and she doesn't want that to be her.

BUT that wouldn't stop Yen from being very jealous of any dates and VERY critical of them. She recognizes her feelings bc she knows what to look for as a matchmaker and knows her objections are not logical and that is a very uncomfortable realization for Yen.

And the moment Akumi even hints at wanting more?? Immediately yes. It's a huge relief. Yen can just wrap her arm around Akumi in public and never have to worry about some jag-off trying to hit on her or take advantage of her.

Yen would get so soft for Akumi it isn't even funny and she doesn't get soft very easily or often. I'm talking brushing Akumi's hair after the shower, looking for organizers to help Akumi keep her tools clean and organized, etc. (She'd do this no matter platonic or romantic, but like turn it up to 20 if romantic).

Aaaaand now I have a new pairing to be utterly smitten by :) I hope you like these!!

#oc x oc ask game #oc: Akumi Kota #other people's ocs #akumi x yen #i am positively giddy about these two

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