#the only man who could never hurt me

[sunnibits]

ok I know we talk a lot about the love confession lines and the “rotting former first mate” line and all that but can we PLEASE talk about “you know what he did when I told him I loved him? he shot me.” BECAUSE OH MY GODDDDD WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. INSANE FUCKING LINE.

#JESUS CHRISTTT #I know ed shooting him wasn’t like. directly correlated to the love confession in reality but STILL #JESUS FUCK WHAT A LINE. OUGH. #ESPECIALLY because he speaks that line to STEDE????? #like. fucking. openly telling the man who stole the love of your life ‘hey he hated me for loving him. btw. Hope y’all are happy tho’ #WHAT THE FUCK #how. how do you even move on in your relationship after hearing homie’s ex say that to you. like oh my god #it’s so fucking agonizingly tragic. izzy is so fucking tragic #the tragedy of his acceptance. of knowing that ed doesn’t love him anymore and that they will only poison each other. #but that ed still gets to be happy. he finally got to be happy and he’s finally truly in love with someone but it’s not him. it’s not izzy. #he could have been capable of that kind of love. but never for izzy #and izzy just has to ACCEPT that. he DOES accept it. and that is so incredibly fucking depressing #he just has to watch the man he loves move on. after hurting izzy so much. he gets to be happy #and he still loves him. he still loves him. #izzy hands #ofmd #blackhands

[8rujaa]

my therapist really saved me….

#tw abuse // tw sa #i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this. #like i probably would’ve not been here if it weren’t for her #i started seeing her january of 2023… my life has changed entirely since then and she was definitely the one who got the ball rolling #literally so much has changed since then and it’s all because of her #i was so dissociated during our first few sessions #thanks to her i was able to get diagnosed and medicated for adhd. i was able to realize i was in an abusive situation and plan a way out #i was able to focus on myself and my healing and she’s helped me reframe so much of my negative thinking #i was able to process a lot of emotions and become a better version of myself with each session #she’s truly incredible. #i remember the first comment she made about the relationship had been ‘’so it’s like there’s an imbalance of control in the relationship’’ #i had put my partners on such a high pedestal that i had no idea they could be doing anything wrong #and i asked her what she meant and she said ‘from what you’ve been describing it’s sounds like a strict parents and child type of dynamic’ #she told me they didn’t need to understand why i wanted to leave and they didn’t need to make that decision. if that’s what was going to be #best for me the only thing i could do is let them know my reasoning and simply leave. i didn’t need their permission.’’ #i remember being so confused at that realization bc like… i had been putting their emotions over mine the whole time i had forgotten simply #doing what’s best for me was an option… l #ever since then i’ve been putting myself first and it’s been a steady uphill from rock bottom… i’ve made an incredible amount of progress #when i first started with her getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen was incredibly difficult and took all my strength. #yesterday i conquered a mountain!!!!!!! i hiked all the way to the top!!!!! :D #me a year ago thought it was going to take me years and years to recover. as soon as i left i made leaps of progress #im incredibly proud of myself and grateful for her. and my reiki lady she’s also been a great great help. #the silver lining is i realized who really matters. and the relationships i cared about deepened. #my sweet virgo friend was the one who was always like ‘THATS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO CANT UNDERSTAND BASIC CONSENT???’ #LMFAO i would be like ‘but he has trauma and bla bla bla’ she looked me dead in the eyes and said #’jess you said with your last boyfriend that you would never make excuses for a man who was hurting you again. stop defending him.’ #she’s really a gem and i treasure her with my life. i hope she knows i love her. she’s family at this point #she’s also literally saved my life before (like deadass called 911 for help) #im glad i had the support system i had. that was a rough situation with so many layers and im glad i got through it #my 22nd year of life was by far the worst of my life and i don’t ever want to put myself in that situation again. im glad i learned.

[goldkirk]

.

#the thing that just keeps nagging me is that there's no way i was the only one right #i can't imagine he went his whole life and only got inappropriate with me after he was already a grandpa and everything #and i doubt he stopped after he lost easy access to me and dropped me like i never mattered at all #i keep thinking i should report it so at least its on record for someone else if they report too #or if someone else already reported than maybe me saying my experience could make that person be believed #but the thing is #(also remember this man is now dead anyway) #he was an officer and detective and then police chief for years before he ever became mayor #and he was so corrupt #and the city is an entagled nightmare of corruption and stuff #like we legitimately got multiple threatening phone calls and answering machine recordings from this man and his minions more than once ove #the years for various city council things and when my parent ran for election again years later and he didn't like that #anyway #the point is that the guy who was elected mayor after him was buddies with him anyway and ran the city the same way but with less #outward narcissism visibly #and the guy that got elected mayor after HIM a few years ago...you'll never believe this... #was also a police officer and then police chief for years and then got elected mayor...and THE FORMER MAYOR'S SON (the one who hurt me) #so while I would like to report it #i am. very nervous about how safe the police department is and how entwined it still is with the mayor's office #bc back in the day MY mayor had like. complete interconnections with the police still the whole way through. wayyyyy sketch #i don't know this new mayor #i know what his father did and i know what his father and his father's ideal people he surrounded himself with were like #and the city hasn't addressed or fixed any of its past corruption and stuff except in small department-upwards movements here and there #so i'm like. i don't live there anymore and i'd need to make a phone call to do any reporting #i have to go through them instead of the county police that i'd feel much safer with (relatively #they're still police obvs) #i'm like...i really want this on record. for the sake of the community and anyone else like me in case they're out there too. #and as an acknowledgment of my own belief in myself and a way to make it so even if i get scared i can never hide the secret again and #but like................is it safe for me to even tell that police department

[quietwingsinthesky]

ohhhh u know what i wanna write. need to, even. very important to do it at some point. but i think i really do need to make the doctor have a meltdown. i think that would be very cathartic to put them through.

#whump but autism flavored. for me. #i mean i imagine that he has been having them just off-screen when the worse adventures are over #can keep it together as long as he’s running because he can focus on something else and. then when he is not it all hits at once. #the doctor curled on the tardis floor because he can hear her engine vibrating through it and its the only sensation that isnt causing him #physical pain to experience at the moment #i need him to go thru some shit okay. never enough fics in the autistic doctor tag on ao3 #skmeone remind me to outline this in the morning. gotta pick which doctor to do it to. which companion to be with him. #i am feeljng ten & donna but that could change #oh on that note: thinks about 14 having meltdowns about. ‘normal things’. #local man who has saved the world a thousand times suddenly finds out that grocery store lighting is intensely stressful and makes him want #to cry. despite all contradicting evidence that this is happening to him is a good thing. #means he’s recalibrating slowly to allow his body to be upset by things like that rather than pushing all of it down to be set off by #the world nearly exploding or someone he loves getting hurt. instead he can get overwhelmed by small things and feel safe that if he reacts #to that. nothing bad will happen to him while he’s having a meltdown. ohhhhh donna bringing him a weighted blanket because he went to hide #in his tardis after comjng home and not saying a word to anyone….. #okay im done i swear im done.

[shopcat]

ahem. so i think one of the fundamental root causes of all the arguments i've had with zombiefied fandom loser people on here over the years is that there are large groups of individuals who form these Do What You Like happiness quicksand pits who will fight tooth and nail for people to have fun and exist equally among others in a guilt free, problem free, persecution free echo chamber where they've become addicted to this like slow drip of constant fandom content. so anything they don't like is negative and anyone who doesn't like those things are "antis" and they're happy living and prancing around together just coming off as a bunch of fucking tools bc they would rather live with toxic spores and rot in their communities than have like one serious discussion and have to yank their heads out of the sand for ONE second.

and these types of people will again fundamentally consider the hypothetical of someone being called like OLD or a mean name or insinuating that they "can't have fun in fandom" worse than someone being a predator, exhibiting predatory behaviour or getting off on content that commodifies people's trauma, exploits personal identity and outright sexualises children and adolescents and MORE. like any real life normal human being would be able to see the difference but they're too genuinely chronically online to be able to tell the difference.

like very recently a couple fandom accounts on twitter were called out for liking absolutely RANCID shit down to grooming and pedophilic fetishisation?, lesbians being noncon'd by men and "liking it", outrightly transphobic trans fetishism porn written by cisgender people for the benefit of OTHER cisgender people, making explicit content about minors INCLUDING artwork that depicts real life children in sexual scenarios (which is literally fucking illegal where i live like as in a 15 year sentence.) and various other pretty typical shit including racist behaviour and the response by the "fandom" wasn't "oh this is bad. we should block these people and condemn their actions because i do not align myself with this at all" it was "guys that was mean!!! let's be nice okay 🥺 this drama is making me upset i just wanna have fun with my friends i don't care if they like these things" and they made a fucking positivity account to parody it 😭 some people were more mad that the callout page was anonymous than they were about the actual content bc they weren't being transparent???. i genuinely don't know what has to go wrong in ur life for u to end up this way but fuck i hope online fandom burns to the ground a03 gets taken offline forever and anyone who even says the word "but it's fiction" gets shot in the head point blank and twitter dies faster

#it was also the last straw for me like man it wasn't even on This site but the attitude is the same everywhere #and these aren't even the like pr*ship losers who dedicate themselves to this shit right like they're pretty standard twitter users #and some pretty otherwise normal and popular artists and whatever but i like Could not do it anymore i hate you all so much #like i understand wanting to have fun online especially in a fandom which is literlalt a place to be a fan of something #but if ur so fucking STUPID and deeply genuinely embarrassing that you can't even identify when there are harmful individuals and harmful #mindsets in ur community and that you're HURTING real life people you need to get a fucking grip #but they never ever will bc theyre never the ones being harmed it's only when their happiness is threatened do they actually get mad #i literally saw someone say they're protecting their peace. bro i don't find p*dophiles and creeps among me peaceful 😭

[v-arbellanaris]

i think the problem (?) is that the only kind of (fictional?) love that interests me is the kind of love that changes the world. the kind of love that derails the narrative, the kind of love that changes everything -- not necessarily by how special or unique the love is but by the very mundanity of it. the love that grows, not in spite of the barren lovelessness of Before, but out of it. i think that's why I'm always so invested in ships that are two people diametrically opposed to each other, or enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, or two people on separate sides of the morality issue coin, because i love it when love... not that it changes a person but it allows the person to Become. the space, the grace, to change. to love the monster, to love the unlovable and the intolerable, is to make it something other than a monster, than unlovable, than intolerable. i love it when being loved at your worst, ugliest, most horrible self is what makes you want to be someone worth loving. like is this ANYTHING to anyone or

#sorry im not here but im thinkin abt fic things and im really just! having some Emotions about things #idk? i see a lot of aspects of myself in villains. whoever you consider a villain. and i think there's a tendency in fandom #that I've noticed for like... years. where when these issues are portrayed in Good People it's always framed in an acceptable way #if they're angry it's never in a way that really hurts anyone - or everyone Just Knows they're going through shit #if they're depressed it's always the sad pathetic kind that makes people want to coddle you and not the kind that made me isolate and #unpleasant to be around #the urge/inclination towards violence to people who did wrong to me is a villainous act #trauma only ever affects Villains in a bad way. and their trauma MAKES them Bad and Evil people who should only ever just die to fix all #the damage they did to people. and idk man! don't you think that's kind of fucked up? don't you think that it's so fucked up to see yoursel #and the ugliness of your trauma and how it impacts you only ever represented by villains. and then the solution is ''they should just die'' #and in the rare moments those villains DO get redemption arcs or a second chance or whatever there's a large n frankly horrific portion #of fandom going i want this person dead or (other violent gruesome violating thing) because they're awful and horrible and their very #existence is unforgivable. i think they should die #and it's like i get it. i also get tired of having to see this message constantly blasted into my brain 24/7? #''why do you ship x with x--'' god i dont fucking know #maybe i want to believe we can get better. that people can change. #maybe i want to believe there's no end point where i have to weigh up the damage ive done to people vs the benefits ive brought and decide #i should die. maybe i want to believe that people are inherently good and want to do good and have the capacity for good!! #that we can do better if only someone believed we could!! #maybe i want to believe we're all worthy of love. of someone who will believe in us. who sees something good in us even when we're at our #worst & most unlovable. maybe i want to believe we can still BE loved after all that! idk leave me alone!! #tbd #i added the image bc its how im feelin rn

[toastsnaffler]

my flatmate asking me the day before "do u want to hang out w me and [old friend] everyone else cancelled so I can invite u now" is not the heartfelt offer she thinks it is :^/

#what am i sloppy seconds. fuck off man #i like them both but im not in the place to socialise rn + also it just feels kinda mean. theyve had these plans for weeks #and i wasnt invited bc some of their other friends (who ive never met) didnt want me there which is fair enough ig #even tho their friends complained abt someone else bringing her bf but they both blocked the veto for that. pretty sure ik them- #better than some guy but whatever. i dont rly like their friends anyway bc they only ever have bad things to say abt them #like damn they sound like they have the emotional range of toddlers plus theyre all into shit like genshin. so i wasnt fazed abt it #hope they have a nice time etc but wow sure now theyve cancelled the day before u can invite me as a replacement. yeah thatll do wonders #for the social and self esteem issues i have around being single use and disposable and always on the outside etc yippee #the thing is if i go theyll just talk to each other anyway and leave me to be the fly on the wall like they always do. they dont want #me there they just want an audience i literally have nothing else to contribute i dont think they even like me that much so! #anyway complaint over. genuinely i hope they have a nice time im just annoyed at being treated like that + probably projecting a bit too #its not like i could go if i wanted to anyway bc i have shit to sort out + mail to wait for. maybe next time invite me from the start huh #we had another old friend visit last weekend but those plans were really made without me too and i was just added bc i Live Here so its #kind of unavoidable. but oh well whatever it was nice to see them either way #im too depressed rn to fix my social life or even rely on existing coping strategies in social situations so im having to temporarily #cut it back bc i get too trigger sensitive + dont want to hurt myself or others bc of an arbitrary emotional overreaction #its usually one of the first things to go when im Going Thru It not in a self isolating way but more bc its one of the hardest things #for me to maintain + im pretty self sufficient so its not absolutely crucial. like of course i love my friends but socialising is a #want not a need yknow. eating/sleeping/exercising/hygiene are all more fundamental parts of the engine so i gotta prioritise them #and it sucks but ill survive. anyway sorry for venting on everyones dash so early in the morning i woke up grumpy 👎 #i need to get breakfast and then go out. ughhhhhhh okay. #.vent

[powderkegging]

givens this crowder that. what about the gutterson family.

#jack.txt #tim All-American Army Boy Who Never Missed A Shot gutterson saying At Least You Got To Shoot Your Father in front of his boss #means everything to me #because if his daddy wasn't dead. he would've killed him. #because tim inherited something dark but he put it on a leash #there's something dark in him and he's using it in a way that can't hurt good folk but he's still using it and his daddy wasn't Good Folk #imo tim's just like raylan. because he inherited everything from his father. but he embraced it. and instead of being a violent outlaw #tim's father was a soldier and a killer. and tim lived under the shadow of that fact whenever he fell asleep with his father in the house #like arlo and raylan. one of them would eventually kill the other first if a higher power did not intervene #and like raylan. tim said he'd be glad when his father died. but then his father died and tim was anything but glad. #because he wanted to be the one to do it. he had to kill the man that made him and he couldn't. #he enlisted to turn his blunt force violence into a weapon he could use but he couldn't use it in the only way that mattered: #against his father #does this make any sense. posts to blog anyways

[faultsofyouth]

literally when I see women being frustrated with other women for staying with abusive men I feel like I'm watching the ouroboros. Like I get it, it happens to everyone, I've been there, but it's so self sabatoging.

#don't come at me if you're one of those girls currently angry at her friend for continuing to date an abuser after you and everyone else #told her not to #I spent 7 years watching different men beat my mother and I've had a lot of friends who faced very different kinds of abuse from other men #so when I say your anger is not constructive believe me because it is my anger too. and I know it hurts and I know it can drive you insane #but when your friend Sees that anger it will hurt her in a way you cannot understand. And if you are hurting her while you claim to love he #while you claim to have her best interests at heart -> then she cannot differentiate between the way you treat her #and the way her abuser does. And I know that's not fair I know it's not the same #And I know you probably care for her in a way her man does not. But when you tell her what to do she doesn't see You. #She sees the man who tells her what to do and how to live. She won't listen to you over that man because you sound the same #You sound eerily similar but he is manipulating her and you are just angry and upset. He will always seem to offer the better deal #so just don't be that angry friend anymore. Be an open door she can walk through whenever she needs a break from an evil man. #Be the life she Could have if she really believed she deserved it. Be good and respectful and supportive even when you feel like killing hi #show her how Everyone should treat her. Show her she deserves to be treated good; show her it is no problem for You to treat her good #And she Will start demanding that from men. From everyone. But she will do it on her own time #With her own setbacks and she will set her own standards. They might never be your standards but they will be better than what they are now #but first you have to be supportive and not angry. You have to root for what She wants and not for her relationship to fail #Even if you really truly hope the relationship will fail. You have to convince her that you want the same things she wants #You have to convince her that you want her to be happy no matter what that looks like. And Then she will ask you #To help make her life happier. And in my experience; that is the only way to truly see someone get to a better place #You have to help them get what they Want. This is way harder than being angry. Insanely harder. But I have seen women change a Lot #after I stopped feeling angry over them. After I stopped trying to convince them that I know what is best for them

[8rujaa]

to anyone dealing with ptsd, has there been anything that has helped relieve some of the symptoms?

#im emotionally stuck due to the constant reliving of what happened #i get these weirdly intense flashbacks where i can remember the how the fabric of the couch looked like up close #and how they felt. and how everything looked. the way the colored lights hit the room a certain way #i think i did myself a disservice by thinking i was soooo in love that i didn’t want to forget any details lmao #now i can remember everything like a photograph and sometimes i find myself back in my old apartment and the fear floods my chest #and i can’t breathe and my stomach starts turning it’s terrible. i really felt like i was in hell #i stopped smoking ouid 3 weeks ago bc whenever these flashbacks would happen the high would make them HD and it would send me into a loop #but now i think weed was the thing keeping me above water… it’s been a rough 3 weeks. but before i start smoking again #i wanted to ask if anyone found something else that made it a little easier #it’s been months since our break up and i really want to move on. i’ve tried to meet other people but i’m terrified of men #and i find myself unable to connect with anyone… #i’ve been physically better which i am so grateful for because being unhealthy was my biggest reason i was so depressed #i’ve been doing therapy but i talk about the same thing with her every week. i’m tired of it #i think i’m still in disbelief that they did that to me. i never thought they’d be capable of hurting someone so badly. #i can’t get over the fact that he r***** me for months while i was disabled and pretended not to know what he was doing was bad #i realized he knew when he tried to make it look like i was crazy. that made me really sad. i think i was hoping he was clueless so #i could still believe he was a good person… or at least the man i fell in love with. i was willing to forgive him once he apologized… #when he tried to make it seem like i was going insane the blindfold came off and i saw him for who he really was #like no wonder i was so scared of u dude… no wonder i kept having panic attacks anytime we were together and i couldn’t sleep next to u #i’ve been afraid to admit that shit broke me as a person. i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. i can’t function. #plus knowing i stayed for her bc i was worried for her and didn’t want her to experience the same thing without someone there bc i realized #how good he was at gaslighting and lying. only to find out she was waiting for an excuse to get rid of me… she wanted me gone… #i went thru all that for nothing… #and i still don’t understand why each time i tried to leave for my own good- to get medical help and support they begged me to stay!!! why #brain vomit

[poptartmochi]

i think that i will never be able to rid myself of Magdalena, despite my disdain for her source material, because she's just such a fun little inversion character 🤧

#not to say that im trying to actively get rid of her! but like.. i have bnha ocs that will probably never see the light of day again because #i dislike bnha 🕴️ and i dislike the reboot way more than i dislike bnha so You Would Think that maggie would have disappeared by now but #nauuur. the inversions will keep her in my brain forever babey 🍻 #it's something about the way gioia and vergil knew each other for such a short amount of time and were on completely different journeys but #still managed to Get each other.. the same hatness of it all. and from that we got nero who saved both their lives #meanwhile in nightmare reboot world‚ magdalena and vergil have known each other forever + run parallel to each other basically. and you #think that the whole time they're in lockstep that they get it! they get each other! they're in lockstep so they must be in sync! #but then it turns out the goal vergil has been obsessively dedicated to all along is actually Super Contradictory to the goal magdalena has #been obsessively dedicated to. and instead of their lives being saved by their connection‚ the sudden dissonance is the root of their #downfalls. that's like my own personal fuckin percolator man 🤧🤧 #it's fun that she and gioia are both driven by loss and the desire to mitigate it. they both live in these societies where you're constantly #watched and revealing your cards could spell out your doom. ignorance and guilt cause gioia to build up this marble facade of cold #nonchalance because she cannot engage in society Without revealing her cards yk. it hurts too much. so the poker face it is 🗿 #meanwhile magdalena Knows Too Much and the knowledge of it all eats away at her. she's boiling with the need to act‚ so a poker face could #never work for her. so she channels the energy into this larger-than-life persona to navigate through the world #and both of these methods work! gioia's facade makes people think she's cold or uninteresting so they ultimately disengage with her. #magdalena dazzles everyone and they're too distracted by the show to notice what she's doing behind the scenes. #but wearing the mask all the time takes a toll on both of them + ultimately leads to a loss of identity‚ where they only keep themselves #grounded by their secret work. gioia's run in with vergil helps her break free of this and reestablish herself #whereas magdalena's departure(s 😐) from vergil sets her down this path... it's just so 🌋🌋🌋 to me #also. it's fun to me that gioia was meant to become a demon but never did. meanwhile maggie detests demons but was forced to become one... #gioia dodged a bullet but it traveled through dimensions and shot her anyways lol 😭🤧 #there's something to be said about the flipped family dynamics between the two but ngl I'm still working on Maggie and Isaac's relationship #so. i will leave it alone for now 🕴️in the future though I hope that I can figure out how to make Isaac as relevant to Magdalena as #Benedictus is to Gioia 🤔 right now he's kind of a mystery variable 🙈 #sriracha.txt #long post #💃🏻

[devotedlystrangewizard]

as im getting closer & closer to the day that i will officially leave my hometown & go live with my dad i am starting to understand my ocs more

#avani most notably rn. bc shes actually my age and leaves behind everyone and everything she knows #having to grow up the rest of the way in an entirely different situation #because even if the situation youve been in for all your teen years has sucked ass the entire time its still. #its familiar? like. yk. familiar suffering is better than the unknown #personal #ive lived in that house my entire life. ive been with my dad for long stretches of time (all of summer break for instance) and it was fine #i KNOW i cant stay there. my mom's partner has actually physically hurt me and theyre both awful to me #and i also know that the only reason why its been somewhat good there lately is because i rarely speak to them anymore #that is not a house to live in! and i fucking love my dad. my stepsiblings. my stepmom!! #and its not even just the fact that im moving. right. i could probably handle that were it not for me also finishing high school. #i got financial support as a student whos 18+ while i was in high school. now its. #i need to get an income. in a region i barely know. being both physically & mentally disabled. #but not so disabled that im *incapable* of work!! which the law here asks for!! #(or i am and i just dont realize it because ive been working past my limits for so long ive forgotten what they are el em ay oh) #also ill miss my cat so fucking much #i love my dad's cats but shes special man #i miss her rn actually but im going back for the last time in a few days so #i was like. tearing up bc of the anxiety but then i remembered my cat and now im actively trying not to cry loudly #bc its. yk. almost 6 am and its almost waking up time for everyone here except me because. my school ended last month #its bedtime for me actually but i couldnt sleep because i was too busy crying over the fact that i am never going to get that room back #i miss being a child #at least back then it wasnt that complicated! i didnt know i was being mistreated when i was 11! #all of this doesnt even matter that much im just really bad with transitions. which is ironic. im transgender #though granted ive put off getting on that list for that exact reason. im scared of transitioning #like the moment im comfortably settled here and have a job and/or disability benefits. all of this will just be embarrassing #something to look back on and laugh. and then cry because i still miss my cat.

[jooyeone]

x

#apparently this is where i vent about this now bc i can't bear to call a friend and verbalize everything xx #ok . matching a man's anger i can do #but having to sit there quietly and calmly trying to explain how and why violence is Bad™️ and why women are inherently fucking terrified #of male anger and violence #without so much as showing an OUNCE of emotion because you know that the second you appear emotional or hurt by it you lost the fight #because the man will just stop fucking listening to you and taking you seriously #having to do all that for 45 minutes while he tries to ARGUE LOGICALLY WITH ME that #if i actually fear him ever going further than that with his violence then i don't know him at all and it's actually all my fault #therefore HE is the one insulted and needing an apology . #having to sit there. and explain Violence = Terrifying to a man who thinks i should apologize to HIM for fearing it in the first place . #and the fact that i went in JUST asking for an apology and all i got was #''i can't change i hope you know that and you aren't asking that of me.'' #..and the ONLY way this conversation could even move forward is if i agreed with him on this. which i had to do <3 #it's the 'not even gonna bother trying' for me ... while women will readjust their entire fucking lives around your anger. #willdelete #i literally don't know where to go from here i despise that i even have the patience for these conversations #>knowing< they will never amount to anything bc if they don't want to see themselves in the wrong they just won't!!!!! #no matter how articulate and calm and logical you are

[gatun-gatunesco]

...

#and so i came back here. because in here i can find joy and sorrow. laugh a little and cry a lot because someone made a post i resonate with #it makes me feels understood. a private and intimate place that is also shared at the same time. and strangely; like a home #but i came back without knowing who i am. I see someone else in the mirror. Is that a monster? a sinner? a human? a normal man? #after all that effort leaving depression and self hate from my adolescence behind. from being proud of myself for being different to all me #was all a lie? how could i do such awful and terrible thing to the person i swore to protect? the person i love the most #i said i would never do that kind of unforgivable act. And here i am. Alive after the event. I want to drop dead. To dissapear from here. #But at the same time i want to fix what i did. in order to do that i need to heal. to change. be happy. to live. and i hate it #how can i do all of that with the weight of guilt crushing me and telling me i killed myself that day? i am just a shell of who i was #how to change what i thought was the best version of me? i was supposed to be different no harmful and kind man!!! #i already asked for help. and they told me it was not all my fault. But i still think it is. There is no way it can be 50/50 #physical actions are only responsibility of the ones who made it. circumstances are not a reason to diminish them guilt #a confused person is not deserving of any part of the guilt. they do not have control over themselves. but the other ones sure have it #yes. they might have started and added little physical actions. but i refused and it never came to completion. which is the opposite of min #physical trauma can spawn emotional and mental trauma as well. is way more bad and deep that the emotional one i might have #i want to kill that trash in front of the mirror. why are you still living bitch? just to be a parasite and hurt people on the go? #to make irreversible mistakes that affects every person around you? your decisions never end well. why do not you just give up already? #and yet here i am. trying to not isolate myself thanks to the safe place i found here. I can write what is on my mind. gives me some relief #because the only person i talked everyday is the same one i hurted as i never thought i would in my life #Hope i can found redemption one day. I hope they can heal and be happy soon and forever. #I am going to always be worry about them (i am sure of that) but i wish nothing but the best for them. I want nothing to hurt them again. #They never deserved the trauma and guilt. They suffered more than enough way before i step in and fucked up everything. #Life. if you can hear me. Please give them recovery. happyness. health and lots of love. They deserve it. Please #They did nothing wrong! Take them pain away and put it in me. I will stay alive just for that if is neccesary #I wanted to kill myself way long ago. but i still here. I might want to kill myself again. but i still will be here. #Just leave them be happy. That is what i really want

[pirateborn-a]

     Trying to think if there’s anything that could genuinely get Roger upset or angry at any of his boys, and honestly yeah nope there’s     there’s really not   

#[ ooc ] ✧〖 bid farewell to weaver’s town 〗 #[ i have talked ab this SO much but you'll hear it again---- dhjsdjklsd #[ just #[ unconditional love man #[ those are his Boys! #[ even in situations where one of them gets hurt from their own stupidity or something #[ roger's a selfish man he'll take full blame himself #[ he's their captain he's responsible for them whatever negative thing they do is because of him #[ roger will forcefully yoink the blame from their grips and claim it for himself and refuse to budge on it #[ i'd imagine rayleigh or gaban or someone else usually having to take role of actually Teaching the kids lessons because roger just #[ doesnt know how to do that fdjdskl #[ and he recognizes it and he does try and he is thankful that others do what he cant but he Knows he could never blame them for anything #[ sure he'll get playfully all >:ccc!! @ the kids for fun but honestly just in general roger Doesnt get genuinely pissed often #[ nearly never @ crew at least only to those outside who mess with his crew or loved ones #[ love isnt so much as blinding as roger fully seeing and being aware of fucked up stuff but deciding its not as important as his boys #[ not approving but accepting 'i see you i see what you've done and it hurts me so much to see but i see it and i accept it #and i still love you can we go home now? i'll hold your hands and wipe the blood from them with ginger touch' #[ again!! selfish man!!! #[ like even with extreme cases like say one of them somehow ends up killing rayleigh roger's. Utterly inconsolable and heartbroken #[ but he's still just ruffle their head before going to hide in a corner and cry--- #[ i am just #[ shakes fist #[ unconditional love </3 #[ does apply to most people he loves but its just taken to an extreme with his boys #[ sighs #[ can you tell its half past 4am fdsdskl