#They never deserved the trauma and guilt. They suffered more than enough way before i step in and fucked up everything.

[dancermk]

HELLO MY FELLOW TRAVELERS!

I, like many viewers, have been completely entranced by Hawk and Tim’s love story in Fellow Travelers. As a mature queer person, this show has been very emotional, and I am deeply invested. (I WILL riot if Tim doesn’t get to die in Hawk’s arms, and know that he is, and has always been, loved by Hawk.) But I digress.

Something that I have been fascinated by are the differing opinions that have surfaced about the characters, especially Hawk. I’m not looking for any arguments here, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and this is simply mine. To me, Hawk falls hard and fast for Tim. He breaks all his own rules for Tim - they topple over like a house of cards.

When we are introduced to Hawk, he’s cold and heartless with the men he hooks up with - they are nothing more than a body to fulfil his sexual needs and desires. He doesn’t do repeats and he doesn’t bring them home. But Tim, he instantly begins returning to, gets him a job, then allows him into his own apartment, etc. When Tim pushes back, Hawk relents further, letting him in emotionally, sharing parts of his past, crossing lines by introducing him to others in his circle, and so on.

Hawk is a traumatised man, carrying guilt and anger and shame, and a bucket load of fear! Yes, he has some internalised homophobia, but interestingly, he’s also extremely righteous about his homosexuality -and I don’t believe he thinks being gay is wrong in any way. (His response to his father is indicative of this).

I can personally say that I’ve never thought it was wrong to be queer, yet I spent much of my life hiding who I was and feeling shame. It’s an odd thing! Perhaps it is that the shame forms purely from what is outside of us, while what is inside of us can love another person of the same sex, knowing it is right and pure. Perhaps these contradictions between self and society are what causes so much pain and conflict?

But back to Hawk. Hawk is undoubtedly most affected by his teenage first love experience. A love that he fucked up through his own fears (fear for many men is unacceptable and a sign of weakness), and now carries the burden of believing he is responsible for their death. Hawk doesn’t allow himself to love again, until Tim. And we see many times throughout the show how much Hawk fears losing Tim. And in the end he’ll have to face that fear. I think that, in part, not attempting to have a life with Tim, is also fuelled by his fear of fucking it up and losing Tim - so it’s easier to just not attempt it! In episode 7, when he loses his son, part of that spiral is Hawk recognising that he can’t really prevent loss, and he wasted his life trying to be something he’s not - still losing his child and Tim along with it.

But Hawk is a survivor! And no one has the right to hate or judge him for it. I don’t think some young people truly understand what it feels like to live in a world where who you love can put you in jail, and destroy your life. I grew up in the 70s/80s and my experiences were bad enough, but I try so very hard to think about what it was like before that! When being queer was a crime and a mental illness! That’s pure terror! And for Hawk, he chose to survive the best way he knew how, and he wasn’t able to change because that’s fucking hard when all you’ve known is living in constant ‘fight or flight,’ and when have chronic trauma and experience collective trauma.

I think in episode 8 we’ll finally get to see Hawk grow - I certainly hope so - because he deserves to be free. Our beautiful Skippy has been free for some time, and while we mourn for the cruelty of a world that would take such a truly decent man, I am glad he got to live freely. Being closeted is the worst kind of suffering- a compartmentalised and fragmented existence where you are never truly whole, and therefore can never be the best version of yourself.

Before I go, I just wanted to also talk about being in a closeted relationship-which I experienced in my youth. I think that Hawk and Tim’s intense and toxic and exquisitely beautiful relationship, in part, arises from this. Because two closeted people in love live their relationship in secret, in a bubble, only in certain rooms, with none of the outside world reflected back at them. It becomes the two of you against the world. It’s so insular. Hawk and Tim literally live their 1950s relationship within two rooms - their apartments. All their memories are held within those walls. And it only belongs to them. They know each in ways that no other living soul does. It’s all-consuming and often unhealthy, but also stupidly romantic.

Anyway, sorry for this long winded post that no one will read and is likely full of grammatical errors because I’m tired! This atheist is praying we get everything we need from episode 8! Acceptance, forgiveness, understanding resolution, healing and a whole lot of love! ❤️

Cheers queers! 🏳️‍🌈

PS Matt and Johnny are exquisite on and off screen and I am so thankful to them for bringing these characters and this story into our lives!

#fellow travelers #hawk and tim #hawkins fuller #tim laughlin #hawk and skippy #matt bomer #jonathan bailey #lgbtqia #queer media

[writer-in-theory]

Thinking about Secret Santa with the ST crew. It's the first time that Billy is included ever since he started dating Steve, and lowkey Nancy freaked out when she pulled his name because she has no idea what to get him. Because she thought she knew what Billy was like—they all did—until Steve started talking about his boyfriend.

At first, he'd avoided saying a name. He knew what they would all think, knew that they'd try to talk him out of the relationship simply from the way they'd known him in high school. But this was years later and they were all in their twenties, they'd all begun to heal from the traumas they'd suffered at such young ages. Nancy would have been silly to ignore the way her friend's face lit up when he talked about how Billy would cook dinner for him, or how sometimes he'd just bring home something silly because it reminded him of Steve, or how Billy gave the best hugs Steve had ever received.

So she wanted to do it right, get him the perfect gift to let him know that he was welcome in their group.

She gets him a disposable camera.

It's cheap for a camera, but it works and it's a way to preserve any memories that Billy deems important. She's expecting a smile, maybe a lighthearted crack of a joke about how he has to do all the work to get the reward of photos.

Nancy never expects Billy to set the camera down with a gentleness she'd never seen from him, only for him to bolt from the room. Steve's out the door in a second, leaving Nancy wondering if she'd fucked up. The couple returns two gifts later, and neither of them bring up the camera again.

It's not until later that night, when they're all drinking and trying (in vain) to keep the younger group away from the beer and champagne when Steve ends up outside with Nancy. He's smoking again, a habit he'd been trying to kick for years, ever since they'd tried dating what felt like a lifetime ago.

"He doesn't have any pictures," Steve spoke up, so suddenly that Nancy's head went reeling trying to place the context. He's not looking at her, instead bent over the balcony railing and peering out over the Indianapolis skyline. "Neil burned any his mom had taken, then never bothered to take any more. He's never had any pictures."

"I'm sorry," Nancy began, eyebrows drawing together and lips parting and unparting in an attempt to fish for the right words to string together. "If I'd known I wouldn't ha—"

"It's perfect," Steve answered, finally turning his head to look at her. Nancy had never noticed how much older he'd gotten—aged in a way that time alone could never manage, eyes softened by experience and the kind of love that was too deep for someone their age. She's happy for him, Nancy realized, Steve deserved to find someone that gave him that glow, that made him look so alive in a way Nancy realizes he'd never been before Billy.

"I didn't mean to bring up bad memories for him."

"Nance, it's perfect," Steve repeated as if that was supposed to help the guilt swirling in Nancy's stomach. "He never got to have that, proof of all the good that happens, all the memories. I'm trying to say thanks, for giving that to him. I wouldn't have come up with it."

"I..." Nancy began, expression finally breaking into a soft smile as she reached to hug him. "I'm glad he makes you happy, Steve. I hope he feels welcome enough here."

Nancy followed Steve's gaze back inside the apartment, where everyone is either standing around or sprawled in a heap of limbs on the various couches and chairs, laughing loudly over the obnoxious holiday music. She spots Billy, standing toward the edge of the fray but in deep conversation with Eddie, looking more at ease than he'd ever looked when they were in school.

"Do you want a picture with Billy?" Nancy asked, turning to look back at Steve who was watching the sight with a soft smile. "It would be a great first for the memory book."

"Yeah, I do," Steve answered, pulling open the door and waving for Nancy to step inside first. "I want a picture with our family too."

And as Steve rounded them all up for the picture, Nancy couldn't help but think pulling Billy's name for Secret Santa was the best thing that could have happened.

#harringrove #steve x billy #billy hargrove #stranger things #steve harrington #nancy wheeler #harringrove headcanons

[theheirofthesharingan]

I think Itachi should have fled with little Sasuke and let hell break loose in the village between the Uchiha and Konoha. I am not blaming him, I know he would not want such a future for Sasuke and I understand traumatized children have a right to make wrong decisions. I just think he deserved that, to scape a responsibility that was way too big for child, just leave everything for the adults to solve, as it should have been from the beginning. I just like to think in the what ifs. If he could have been really there for Sasuke always. If he had been able to train him, to finally spend time with him freely. If he got the chance to be honest and transparent for once in his life. If he had been free from guilt and atrocious memories. If their bond as brothers would have never been broken...

Itachi was a character whose fate was decided before he was even born. He existed to live for others and then die for Sasuke. He was never transparent to himself, let alone with Sasuke. For him to snap and then leave on impulse, for Sasuke's sake alone, he would have to live a completely different life. In the circumstances he grew up he thought it was his responsibility to stop things from getting worse.

Repeatedly, he was placed in the situations that demanded he acted in a particular way, so the things that were bound to have terrible consequences would not take place. It meant smaller damage, less casualties, and his worst fears not coming true.

Just in case he did leave with Sasuke, he would still not be guilt-free, because coup would happen, Danzo and his henchmen would not spare anyone. While Itachi (with Obito's help) killed everyone quietly, Danzo and his men would have a hard time keeping it a secret. Dissenters of the Hokage might side with the Uchiha, the rest would go against them, and it would be chaos everywhere. Whether war broke out or not, Uchiha clan's honour would forever be tarnished.

Naruto is loosely set in Feudal Japan, in the era of warriors that valued honour more than anything. Loss of life was nothing compared to the loss of honour. In that case, Uchiha would always be remembered as the clan that went against the village and be blamed for treason. Since Obito was involved too (he attacked the village unprovoked when Naruto was born) he would have taken advantage of the situation as well. If we go by his own words in manga he was waiting for an opportunity to start a war (why else was he sneaking into the village?) and if we go by the novels as well, he was also involved in plotting the coup and manipulating Yashiro Uchiha. No way he would sit quietly in case things got out of hand.

Eventually, it would all come to Itachi and his conscience - that he could have stopped things from getting this bad. Everything he did in canon would happen in this timeline as well, with the addition of Sasuke being their target along with Itachi, and Sasuke growing up isolated from civilization with no one to look after him in case Itachi wasn't around or died.

By taking the burden of the massacre on himself, he remained the only bad guy in the picture. The clan was immortalised and remained honourable, Sasuke was safe and alive, war didn't happen. Heck, even Obito would have been remembered as a hero if he didn't start the war. It still came down to Itachi and his conscience because, while he hoped for the smaller damage, the damage he caused was still enough for him to never have a normal life again.

I've always thought that his illness symbolized his insurmountable guilt. And since it's never made clear what disease he was suffering from, in my head, I believe it's the 'heartbreak syndrome'. When emotional trauma becomes too much it weakens your heart muscles. Although one can recover from it, but when you're living in the kind of guilt that he lived, treatment would be futile.

Itachi never had a chance at living a normal life or be there for Sasuke, no matter how much he wanted to.

#itachi #itachi uchiha #uchiha itachi #ask #anon

[hype-blue-fixation]

Alastor's Family Headcannons/Breakdown + Predictions

These have been plaguing me for a while and I've done way too much history research

Family Life

Based on what Viv has said, Al is an only child and his race doesn't play into his story. Therefore, I think that the majority of his story and trauma are related to his family, WW1, the Great Depression, and just being mistreated by others in power. I have a whole thing about the war, guilt, radios (oh my!) but I will save those for another post.

The roaring 20's were an interesting time, because most Americans enjoyed a high quality of life and then were lined up at soup kitchens in the span of a decade. Al's family was probably no different. He knows what it's like to live with affluence, and he knows what it's like to beg for food. Especially if he was too young for the army draft, he would've been able to be by his mom's side at her richest and poorest. See life through the female perspective, in a time where women had been seen as a commodity for men and just now proving their worth as a valuable part of the workforce. This is why he's far more sympathetic toward women but doesn't give men ANY excuses.

Father Relationship

This is the one I'm really excited to talk about lol. So while American men of the time did legitimately love their wives, there was also this entitlement attitude. If you're a good fella, you deserve a good woman. Toxic masculinity ran rampant, leading to a lot of emotionally challenged men. Their self-worth was tied to how well they could provide for their families. I personally think that Al's dad suffered with some kind of anger disorder and probably some generational trauma. But, being a product of his time, he internalized all this stress instead of facing it, especially when times got hard and he couldn't do all the things a man ought to do. So while he did legitimately love his family and want to be a good husband, it manifested in verbal abuse, exerting control over his family, and sometimes even physical abuse. Because of this, Alastor has a natural mistrust/hate for any man who exerts control over others, while ironically becoming this type of man himself. He just wants to think he's better than that. It can also explain why Al is so amused by the concept of redemption. He saw his own dad, who legitimately wanted to be a better man, constantly try and fail. His dad was a product of his place and time, and no amount of "wanting to be better" was good enough. Add in the factor of war: Al's dad had this positive "I'll be home before Christmas" attitude and everything would be alright. And then crap hit the fan, worse became worst, and whatever effort Al's dad was making before was just non-existent. Completely and totally consumed by anger and hatred, and his family taking the brunt of it. Alastor's very first murder came shortly after.

Predictions

Here's some predictions for how Alastor's dad can be handled in the show, and I'm honestly down for any of them being cannon.

Alastor being responsible for both of his dad's deaths. They meet up in Hell during an extermination. His dad would be begging for forgiveness and second chances, but Al cold-heartedly shoves him out and watches him get stabbed.

Dad becomes an overlord, but never shows up to any of the meetings because he doesn't want to confront his son. At some point he decides to give redemption one last try at the hotel, but Al gives him absolute HELL the entire way and refuses to forgive him.

While he didn't make the best decisions, Al's dad truly did want redemption and to do the right thing. This was enough to get him into Heaven, and Alastor finds out about this at some point and CAN NOT process HOW his father got into Heaven, or how he's responsible for sending him there. Bro can't cope.

#hazbin hotel headcanon #Alastor headcannons #Alastor's dad #character breakdown #Alastor's backstory #Alastor's mom #predictions #my writing #my headcannons

[forestcat000]

Sooooo

This was a comment in response to me wanting an excuse to ramble about my Targaryen's survive AU so thank you @celerieth for this opportunity and thank you for the follow (:

Btw I am sorry to everyone who only follows me for aphmau content because I keep posting game of thrones stuff.

Warning, long post

So I've mentioned my AU and it's concept on my blogs before. The premise is basically all the Targaryen's survive the rebellion and kill the Baratheons, Starks, Arryns, and Tullys for their treason. Aerys remains king but I kinda stall his madness for the sake of story telling so Jaime does not kill him.

My fic starts at the same time as the Canon books except it basically only (so far) takes place in kingslanding. All the Targ kids (Aegon, Rhaenys, Daenerys, Viserys, Jon) get their own chapters, Rhaella and Elia, get them as well. Rhaegar is the only one so far without a chapter in progress.

The story mainly follows the more domestic drama and relationships between the characters so far, with everyone having to endure Aerys. But I do add in a lot of fluff for the Targ kids so it can be sweet.

Aegon is the picture perfect prince, smart, funny, kind, good looking but he has a few problems. Aegon has some pent up hatred towards Rhaegar for abandoning the family during the rebellion, this results in Aegon being more critical and distrustful of Rhaegar, viewing Rhaegar as mad for chasing a prophecy. This extra tension since Aegon is the child who Rhaegar views as the prince who was promised and thus pays extra unwanted attention to Aegon. Aegon is very close with his siblings, and mother, feeling extremely protective of them.

Rhaenys is an intelligent, witty, charming girl. Rhaenys shares Aegons feelings towards Rhaegar for the rebellion but she's much calmer and more lenient with Rhaegar, mainly because she doesn't talk to him often, he's distant and often in his head so neither cares enough to reach out. Rhaenys is loving towards her family and often tries to keep them in line, especially Daenerys. She has a slight rivalry with Daenerys but it's largely loving. She is the only one of her siblings in a relationship, she is secretly courting Willas Tyrell, heir to Highgarden.

Viserys is much nicer and calmer than in Canon since he never had to go through the trauma of being on the run and having his family die. Viserys is a loving older brother and uncle. He's a mama's boy, he tries his best to support his mother while she deals with the abuse at Aerys hand. He has a slightly odd relationship with Aerys. Aerys spared Viserys a lot of the abuse that the other family members suffered because Viserys is his favorite son, while he was saved from the physical and mental abuse he developed a guilt of sorts, feeling guilty that while his family is hurt he is safe. This guilt causes Viserys to be a bit protective and he tries to remove his family members from the area when Aerys get violent and loud.

Daenerys is reckless and chaotic but loving. She has a complicated relationship with her father. Aerys goes from doting on his daughter in every way to yelling and screaming at her at an instant, as a result Daenerys tends to avoid being around her father unless necessary. She's extremely close to Viserys with him being her safe person, kinda seeing him as a father or a caretaker more than a brother.

All the family members that have POVs are the main characters but Jon (Aemon in my rewrite) has the biggest one planned out. Jon is the last known member of the Stark family since he's Lyannas son. Jon is raised as something similar to a prisoner, being a symbol of the war and all the people the Targaryens demolished. Jon is antagonized by Aerys frequently to the point Jon loses sleep every night over the possibility of being murdered and having dreams of being burned alive by Aerys. He feels something similar to survivors guilt, believing he didn't deserve to live, and viewing his birth as the cause of the rebellion (will alaborate if needed)and as a result the cause of death of everyone who died in the rebellion, including all the Starks and his mother. Jon is extremely paranoid and fearful. Hes so paranoid that he went mute because he was scared of saying the wrong thing and being killed, his fear is intense that he can't talk if he tried, he created a mental block to stop him. he is rarely away from Aegon who he is close to, if Aegon is in a room Jon cannot go in he'll wait by the door for Aegon to come out. Jon is close with Rhaenys as well, often going to her for comfort.

That's base info, I know there's a lot, and that's just the stuff that I'm posting, I have pages of lore I'm waiting to implement.

If anyone is interested in any of this feel free to ask questions. Also thank you Celerieth.

#rhaenys martell targaryen #rhaenys daughter of rhaegar #rhaenys targaryen #rhaenys martell #rhaenys daughter of elia #rhaenys iii targaryen #rhaenys x willas #aegon vi targaryen #aegon son of elia #aegon martell #aegon martell targaryen #jon snow #daenerys targeryan #game of thrones daenerys #daenerys stormborn #daenerys targaryen #viserys brother of daenerys #viserys targaryen #elia martell #rhaella targaryen #queen rhaella #rhaegar targaryen #prince rhaegar #aerys targaryen

[scaryhaven]

The first three episodes I found Ed's struggle extremely relatable, hard to watch, and upsetting, but with a little time I was eventually able to process it, and analyze what happened, and the trauma he's gone through. But, you know who i can barely allow myself to think about right now? Izzy. I acknowledge i am biased, but i cant even imagine the amount of pain he is in by the end of episode 3. Ed and Stede knew each other for a fraction of the time that Izzy and Ed knew each other. He's dedicated most of his life to this man who ended up abusing him, belittling him, and essentially tried to kill him, but despite that, Izzy was not able to end Eds life, it wasn't until the crews lives were in danger that he finally allowed Ed to be "put down" without intervening. Even though he didn't kill Ed himself, the amount of guilt he must feel for letting the love of his life be killed right before his eyes, unable to protect him, for having been unable to stop Eds erratic moods in the first place, having been unable to make him happy, and in general, was not enough for Ed, when Ed was all that Izzy ever needed. He's a failure in every way that matters to him. Now, imagine the amount of agony he must be in, loyalty to Ed has been such a big part of Izzy's character, and probably even a measure of his self worth is found in his ability to stick by the greatest pirate ever known, and having the mental fortitude to wade through all the hardship that comes with that. i fully believe that without Edward, Izzy isn't certain of who he is. (Stede is Ed's lighthouse, and Ed is Izzy's anchor) He's an unmoored ship at this point. I've always felt like Izzy's real job is less about being a pirate and more about being Ed's protector specifically. And if Ed's dead, then he doesn't have a job anymore and for someone like Izzy, who is always focused on work and doing it properly, if he has no job, he has no purpose; his life is already over. We saw him attempt to end his life, whether it was because of the emotional or physical pain, its clear that he is dealing with suicidal thoughts, and that breaks my heart.

But the real part I'm struggling with is the way that Ed and Izzy differ in how their suicidal thoughts are exemplified. Ed was showing everyone just how bad it was, he was abusing and scaring everyone, until of course it all manifests in that final ride into the storm, where its clear he's serious, its very loud, and ostentatious, and he's begging for an end, or even help, if possible. But Izzy, Izzy keeps it to himself, he drinks alone, he cries silent tears, and when the others do see him cry, he tries to brush it off as if its not happening at all. He doesn't seek comfort from others or from warm soup, he doesn't attempt to hurt others, he curls up in on himself, and tells Stede "Go on Bonnet, give me your worst" fully expecting to be further abused, rather than empathized with. on top of it all, he's also a heartbroken man, who now fully understands that Stede and Ed are actually in love, and all these years, he never had a chance. Despite all that turmoil inside, he doesn't make a show of his trauma, or how broken he is, he doesn't make it as plainly clear as Ed did, that he actually does need help, he does need love, he doesn't even try because he doesn't think he would receive any, nor does he think he deserves it. To me there's nothing sadder than someone suffering in silence while surrounded by people that could and would help if asked. Izzy has instead put himself in a box away from others, and all I want is for him to get to a place where he can accept the love that is exactly what he needs, rather than being loved as best as one can.

#izzy hands #israel hands #ofmd #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd spoilers #meta #i hope this doesnt come across as hate for ed or something cuz thats not it at all! his pain and the crews is very real #i just have a soft spot for characters like Izzy <3 i havent been looking through his tags yet cuz i cant see him. it hurts too much Q.Q

[pinkumiilku]

Sanji’s trauma is represented in a phenomenal way, unlike anything I’ve seen before in comics.

Taking the specific case of emotional abuse, over the concept of failure, turning into the unwilling outcast, who had no idea any world existed beyond what they told him. A child who was never allowed to bloom, show any interests, left to feel as though he must be evil or profoundly sick, over failing within that reality.

Having to create multiple facets, “versions” of himself, simply to appease the looming wrath of abandonment, and within that downward spiral, developing an implied eating disorder, needing some, any, form of control.

This not only created a selfless identity, but one easily sacrificed, at first in what seemed to be “noble causes”, later revealing Sanji’s insecurity, and lack of compassion towards himself.

Failed by family, adults and children alike, for the core reason of not being able to meet expectations, leading to endless cycles, unable to reach out to a single person.

Being locked underground, in a mask, is a fantastic metaphor for abusive families, denying the existence of failure, the failure they created, keeping him around either out of guilt, or fear. They understand Sanji’s wrath, and fear the consequences, if he would ever to be let out into the world they denied him.

Even as a child, Sanji understands leaving is the only option, because nothing he ever did or will ever accomplish, will be good enough, that still being his main concern.

You don’t need to fear revenge from a child with no sense of self, hence why he is allowed to go.

And it was at this point that meeting Zeff, his “Grandfather” figure, with a completely different set of values from his family, who instantly rescues him because he is a child, and he is important, will be the key to Sanji’s “salvation”.

Starving on a stranded island, is a metaphor that will be repeated throughout his story. One where he is given the choice to live or die, and one where his untold suffering takes the form of a life threatening illness, and the “ease”, with which he confronts it.

Zeff is what shattered any prior belief he had about the world, in his own rude and drastic way, and validates Sanji’s pain and his dreams, right off the bat, and sees just how hollow of a child he is, willing to sacrifice his own leg to save him, despite having just met.

Teaching him about his interest, or metaphorically, how to manage his need for control, and redirecting it into something useful, starving to cooking, and teaching him that all those expectations he was put under, did not matter as long as he is a good person.

When Sanji leaves to join the pirates, there is a stark contrast within having been forced as a child to run away, and then being encouraged to leave by his new family, because he deserves to live and see the world.

“Don’t ever tell anyone I am your father, it’s a shame I don’t want anyone to know,” spoken by his biological Father, becomes: “Don’t catch a cold!” spoken by his adoptive, or true Father. Suddenly, Sanji kneeling in front of him on the floor, and sobbing while thanking him, makes a lot more sense given the right context.

Despite Sanji’s growth, once the opportunity to make his family proud shows itself again, he is dragged back right where he started. This time disgusted, and distant, understanding for the last time, he was only ever useful as a tool, and never as a person, as a son, a sibling or a man. This is where we truly understand the extent of his abuse through stuttering, jittering movements, chain smoking bad even for his standards, the pain in his expressions in each panel, the instant surrender, and seemingly forgotten growth, willing to sacrifice himself, abandoning his crew, and acting differently.

This is where his captain’s starvation is perfectly done. Refusing to eat anything other than what he cooks, until Sanji joins them again. This is as demonstration, showing first hand what his suffering looked like, and how irrational and cruel he was being towards himself, in this case food being a metaphor for love. This somehow works, and he brings him something to eat, though purposefully gross to encourage his captain to leave, and with that, understanding his worth a bit better.

He could have left again, but the threat his biological family was headed towards made it impossible for him to turn his back on them. Because, despite it all, despite the agony he’d gone through, he loves them still. And ultimately ends up saving their lives.

Once that was done, where we could have expected a sort of emotional reunion to take place, forgiveness, an apology, Sanji through gritted teeth and a panic attack, forces his Father to kneel, and does not forgive him. He demands never to be contacted by them again, and they comply.

Oda was giving us a clear message. Sanji’s story is that of many, too many children. Too many survivors, who end up taking their own life, who have no sense of self, who love their families despite not forgiving them.

He was saved by kindness, and kindness alone, which is his main character trait, feeding anyone who is hungry, or taking care of children, acting as the backbone for his crew.

Oda talked about something that is not talked about, and he did it phenomenally well.

#sanji #long post #one piece #vinsmoke sanji #character analysis #starcloud rants #starcloud posts #trigger warning

[thetoffeefox]

Viper headcanons no one can change my mind about

Before the incident Viper wanted the American Dream. That white pickett fence, a beautiful home, a husband, and children. A job that was a career saving lives and contributing to the evolution of the medical field.

Viper has insomnia, Fades is due to nightmare but Viper is due to trauma, depression, and anxiety. Rest is not something she is comfortable with or feels she even deserves.

She wishes she could be closer to the other agents. However she lets her age and anxiety get in the way. Keeping everyone at arms reach is better than suffering from greif because the inevitable will happen eventually. Someone will die and Sage wont be able to bring them back.

She avoids Omen, the man will seek her out from time to time but she always slips away. This is out of guilt for her part in how he is now.

When she isnt able to wholely avoid him (such as being on missions together) she is a ball of anxiety. Will something happen to him again because of HER?!

She sees a lot of her former self in Jett. She used to be so carefree. Head in the clouds a smile that could brighten up a room. She ever smiles now and when she does...It never fully reaches her eyes. Happiness isnt something she can afford.

Astra is the only one who had managed to help her feel a sense of calm and peace. Literally with Brimstones help she dragged the woman from her lab to enjoy the sunlight and a cup of tea. It was enjoyable.

No one, and I repeat NO ONE is allowed in HER LAB.

She oddly find Moshpit adorable, but also...She wouldn't mind taking a sample from him. It could be useful for her toxins.

One time wingman got into her lab, her hard cold gaze and the two words "Get. Out." was enough to make him lose shape and be the glob of goo that he is. Thus gekko had to come in and retrieve him.

It's not that she hates Raze, she just cant handle high energy people well. Her anxiety makes it difficult.

She is bitter towards Brim and Sage, thinking if something were to happen to the old man it should be her in charge. She knows why though, although cold and callous she is unable to seperate herself from greif and anger. It could get her killed...It could get others killed.

This is all I got for now will post more eventually

#valorant #viper valorant #valorant omen #wingman valorant #raze valorant #valorant headcanons

[magnusmodig]

rough childhood headcanon qs / anonymous / accepting !

╰┈➤ 1 . does your muse blame themselves for their trauma?

||. As is ever the case with Thor Odinson, the short answer is still, in itself, complicated. Ultimately the answer is, in my personal opinion, yes , though Thor is an incredibly introspective person, and so he can be self-aware enough of himself and his family situation to see it plainly for what it was. Thor is not a doormat. But whether or not he fully commits to acting on what he's feeling, and thinking based that awareness is its own issue. One mostly steeped in how Thor views himself and partly how he views his own family (specifically: he views them all with blinding rose-colored glasses ESPECIALLY once they've died, regardless of the damage they've caused him).

For some context on what I mean, by "how Thor views himself", I mean that he is shown to have something of an atlas complex (also known as: superman complex, savior/hero syndrome, codependency). Everything comes down to him. He's the strongest, so he'll do it. He can outlive and outlast, so he'll endure. He's the eldest, so it's his responsibility. So on and so forth very often times coming out as "I will solve this problem for you" statements most notably with Jane Foster. He takes failure personally, especially when other people are at stake, or the collateral. And he will hold himself accountable for tragedies beyond his control at length. In "The Avengers" and a deleted scene in "Thor: Ragnarok" he actively and repeatedly lumps himself in with his family (aka his father and siblings, mostly), and their catastrophic, destructive actions and pasts — both of which are things that thor himself actually hasn't partaken to any large degree (unless we count the failed Jotunheim heist and even that he WAS going to bail on before his temper got the best of his judgement.) He proceeds to call them (his family) "bilge snipe", while using the terms "we" (denotating himself as part of the issue) and proceeds to call the metaphorical bilge snipe "repulsive". He does this again in Ragnarok while telling Banner that "we're cursed to fight amongst ourselves while everyone else suffers for it"), meaning his opinions on the matter have not changed since 2012.

And by "blinding rose colored glasses" I mean that Thor has another tendency to see the good in people, partly in nature and partly deliberately, especially when seeking it out. And he does this especially when it comes to his family, and he will justify their actions by trying to step into their shoes even when it may not always be appropriate. (//gestures at literally all of thor: ragnarok and how he still idolizes his father to an obscene degree thankstaika re: "i'm not as strong as you", and even further back to the way thor speaks to odin in thor 2011 at the end of his banishment re: "there will never be a wiser king than you or a better father". He also idolizes Loki in "The Dark World" with the line "loki, for all of his grave imbalance, understood rule as i know i never will" and to a lesser degree does this with Frigga in the same film "she saved us all, a thousand times.")

From a slightly more psychological perspective:

The long and short of it is that it is much easier to blame yourself for things that hurt you that were beyond yourself. Especially when you can't understand it, or didn't deserve it. Especially when they come from someone you hold in high esteem, and hold a lot of love for. Like caregivers and family. In a twisted way, it grants the guilt-bearer some level of CONTROL over their emotions and their situation that they did not have in the moment the hurt occurred. If you're can blame yourself, then you're at fault. If you're at fault, then you can feel guilty, and if you're guilty, then you can atone. You can actively work to make up for it. ( "By blaming ourselves, we maintain the perception that we’re still in control of the situation and ultimately safe -even when we’re not." - rosscenter.com) This is especially critical in children who go through this sort of parental dysfunction and neglect. And the reason why I think this is not a development saved for his young adult -> adult years is because of exactly what we see on screen.

Thor comes from a family that is just as loving as it is toxic. His father was so good at being a wise king that he completely failed at being a good father. It's something Thor even calls out in "The Dark World" ("I'd rather be a good man than a great king") after speaking on how being king is losing who you are to politics and mind games and war. Odin as a parent, and Odin's overbearing, all-encompassing shadow of a legacy is what Thor's entire character arc was always about overcoming. His mother, Frigga, is by far the most decent of the bunch, but she is far from perfect. To pull from a previous meta on the subject, my opinion on frigga/thor is as follows: " [...] an unfortunate cycle in which [Frigga] spent SO MUCH ENERGY [...] making sure [Loki] felt seen/heard and had “some sun for himself” that she COMPLETELY neglected to see that her other son was in just as much pain as the youngest was [...] And only realized how estranged they had become when it was too late, and she couldn’t reach Thor anymore. (She also died before she could make it right.)"

His brother is arguably the person he was ever closest to (even among his friend group), up until his brother manipulated and betrayed his trust, killed him, attempted suicide in front of him, tried to take over earth as payback, tried to kill him again, rejected him outright, and then got put into jail.

Suffice it to say that while I think that Thor's issues stem from deep childhood trauma (and only ever further reenforced by the fact he ages so slowly), my dude's got some issues, and blaming himself for past trauma is definitely one of them. (When he can't get away with internalizing it and avoiding it any longer, anyways.) I do also think to a lesser degree this behavior does also count towards friends, just to a less extreme degree. With the main difference being: Thor adores his family. He wants to keep them close to him. He's incredibly protective of all of them. Which isn't to say he doesn't love his friends, because that would be the biggest lie. But friends come and go. Thor will always want to be a good friend, but he wants to be a good son even more than that. And so in cases of conflict with a friend and a peer, Thor will gladly and readily call out his friends for their bad behavior just as readily as he would also dismiss and justify their bad behavior towards himself. (you know like not checking in on him for five years in "endgame", apparently...)

#(i was going to go into a whole thing about children and their emotional/mental development cycles) #(critical stages in a child's life to teach emotional regulation and where anger issues stem from) #(both of which thor has TERRIBLE times with throughout his appearances) #(but i might just leave that for a different post that goes further into my thoughts on his childhood in particular...) #(someone else asked this question too (i think 2 others maybe) so maybe i'll make a prt 2) #( ooc . ) — stories that leap from the page . #( meta . ) — son of cosmos . lightning flows through thy veins . #( headcanon . ) — glory to the man who toils for his land . may it ever prosper . #( answered . ) — black feathers fall to a raven's call . #nonny asks #(one thing i think i should also mention is that thor is very much someone who seems to crave control) #(which makes sense given his upbringing) #(and so his craving for control comes out in various fashions) #(and this includes his self-destructive / self-sabatoging / self-harming tendencies and behavior) #(it all comes back to wanting control and wanting security because various needs /were not met/ in those developmental stages) #(which is all just to say: parental bonds are important and thor had virtually neither figure to count on consistently) #(...and oh boy does it show.)

[slow-drowned-angels]

Reading Stone Butch Blues.

It’s pretty wild how much has changed but also how much hasn’t changed. I’m very privileged to live in a liberal space but it’s scary how recent even “liberal spaces” became liberal.

I’m glad that at least some queer kids can be more naive. I think we deserve to be a bit naive, enjoy it. In some ways the dumb discourse that kids get swept up in is worth it if it means that the world has become a bit easier and dumb discourse is worth the energy. As opposed to just trying to survive.

But also it’s frustrating. Look at all this tragedy and trauma we’ve inherited, and all of it that continues to this day. Shouldn’t we be trying to help each other instead of arguing on social media?

I’m not sure what my point is. It’s late and I’m sad but in a cathartic way. I’m not even halfway through this book.

It’s like being an immigrant kid. You grow up learning about how your parents spent so much energy and pain to finally get out of their previous country and now you’re here and part of them wishes that you understood their struggle and part of them wishes you never have to. And in the internal struggle between those two desires you grow up hearing about how difficult their previous life is and about the sacrifice and “You know when I was your age…” and “we came here for you.” I don’t know if they intended to saddle me with as much anxiety and guilt as they did because what they only tell you when you’re older is “I always wanted you to take all the classes and explore all the hobbies that you did because I never got to as a kid” and “All we wanted was for you to be happy.” (And I really am sorry if your parents don’t genuinely mean these things. I hope they do, even if they can’t express it. I hope you find your way out if they don’t. I am generalizing my experience to make a point. I think it’s common enough to resonate.) I think their point was that they don’t want to be forgotten. I grew up much more financially stable than they did and they wanted me to understand and remember them.

Reading this book is like having my parents tell me about being in famine conditions during their childhood. At first, I didn’t know what to do with this information. Inherited pain. It feels like so much pressure and expectation. But I also know that really, deep down, I’m sure that every older queer person who went through shit doesn’t wish their past on anyone and wants us to be happy and free. But to remember them. To remember that it’s not far in the past before we get too comfy cozy with police at Pride Parades or forget about our family who are suffering. To grow empathy for people and to use that empathy and sadness and anger to create better worlds.

In short, this is not a good book to read at 1am but here we are. Good night. I needed to get these thoughts out.

#alx.txt #this one’s kinda emotionally heavy so