#the things i like you turn into rewards

[thechaotichorselord]

alright so i’ve lost 7 pounds, maybe 9, in 2 days

i am in a very depressed mood

i’ve just realized how limiting my household is based on people’s reactions

i feel lost

fun.

#i don’t fucking know #vent or whatever i don’t care #i’m exhausted #god i wish i didn’t want to draw #i wish i could stop #i feel so guilty #and wrong #i shouldn’t be this like #i don’t know how to say it #depressed #or dump my problems on people #i shouldn’t even be posting this here to begin with #i should appreciate what i have #because i have things others dont #but i can’t help but feel jealous or mad #why would you guilt trip me for asking for a free drawing app? #why would you yell at me to pass out during a panic attack? #why would you brush off all my issues and blame it on something unrelated? #why can’t you accept that you’re not helping me #“oh but we are don’t you see what we do for you” #dont you see how it hurts #all your hugs feel empty #you feel hollow #you feel like a distant memory #the things i like you turn into rewards #but you say im blaming you #you say im wrong #you make me doubt my issues #you make me feel like a selfish brat #oh well

[sysig]

For the last day of requestober, can you please draw something spooky/scary with Negative RGB? With all the cool lighting stuff you've been doing recently, I think it could be very dramatic, and I'd love to see him in your style!

Day 31 -Pl̷̼͙̯̼̟̈́͒̃̓͆e̵̢͔̞̤̯͗as̴̨͆̒̏e dö̸̧̢̝̳́͝ not̸̨̞͔̗͆̔͝ͅ ̶̦̋͒a̵̪͋̉̈́̒djus̶̪͔͎̘͈̍́̂̅̚t yö̶̙̺͎́͘u̷͚̙̿̓͆r sc̸̙͍͒rę̸̰̺̣̿̓͌̔̎en̴̏̈́͊ͅ

#My art #Requestober #The Property of Hate #TPoH #Negative #Flashing gif #I wanted to go out with a bang :) #I had a lot of fun with the textures on this one haha ♪ #I have actually drawn Negative before but I've only posted him once as a vent :0 #He didn't make it over to my taglist 'cause TPoH was the Thing while I was making that sideblog lol - a few things fell through the cracks #Plus I mean vent is just like that sometimes :P #But! He is not vent here! He is just funsies! :D #And those textures were definitely funsies >:3c It was very cool to chip away at them and let them interplay and overlay hehe #I did really want the lighting to be the highlight - no pun intended - since you mentioned it specifically lol #Backlighting again! >:3c I will continue to do it until it stops looking cool! Haha ♪ #The rest is just Negative being spooky all on his lonesome haha he's just like that! #Doing his screen glow was very rewarding ahhh ♥ I've always really loved that hard/soft glow look #I'm still figuring it out but I'm quite pleased with how this one turned out! :D #Also would you like a secret/hint on textures? Hehehe - those static frames? :3c #They're just zoomed-in carpet swatches on the Binary layer type - turn them up and down and rotate to make them unique! #Anyhow hehe ♪ Happy Halloween! :D Happy spooky season! Thank you all for a fun month!! <3 <3

[puppyeared]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL #its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed #because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH #how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would #be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing #or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late #i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed #the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either #because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember #the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either #the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with #crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure #BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION #im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real #really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and #thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT #you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without #making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY #yapping #doodles #puppysona #edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule #and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened

[gibbearish]

btw its interesting the way james tries to imply that like. well the videos that have plagiarism are the ones our dumb stupid annoying patrons requested about bad topics that didnt deserve to have the effort put in to covering them well so basically its fine. like obv thats interesting on its own but moreso the fact that he doesnt actually /say/ it, or like. give a list of the videos hes referring to, just says "those videos are very clear on which ones they were" i think as a nod meaning like "yknow the ones everyones talking about". unless what hes meaning is that like they put a note in certain videos saying "this video was requested by a patron, we here at james somertom incorporated do not espouse these views" which seems unlikely to me. idk methinks maybe it's because there is indeed a lot more than people think and with all the buzz he's not sure which ones have been discovered yet or not, so putting down a solid list that missed some would look like he was still hiding things whereas putting down a fully sourced list would be admitting to wayyyy more than anyone's found yet

#which is ironic too bc if he genuinely did want to prove he understood what he did wrong and that hed changed thatd be the way to do it #yknow like a full list of every single source including ones no one has found on their own or /can/ find anymore would a) be taking full #responsibility and b) make people less likely to always be like 'youre still hiding something' #which in turn makes me super think hes still hiding a lot of somethings #also cant go without stating that the 'request a video topic' thing was only for $100/month patrons after 3 months on that tier #like fucker these people gave you THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS AT LEAST and youre trying to blame it on them?????? #no one forced you to make 'let patrons pick video topics' a reward dude like. hello???????? #shit dude even hbombs highest tier ($10 for anyone wondering bc he doesnt see his audience as a money machine lmao) #just says you can vote in polls about future topics #like that makes complete sense to me as a version of this‚ the most dedicated audience members get a say in the future of the #channel while the creator still gets overall control of the direction #also 'patrons who gave me fuckloads of money asked me to make videos on topics i didnt like so i plagiarized those' is i think uhhh #worse than just 'i plagiarize everything without remorse' frankly? #like at least with the second youre just a general shitbag but the first where youre a shitbag specifically to the people #majorly financially supporting you rather than just like. be an adult and say 'hm i dont feel like that topic really works for the channel‚ #do you have any other ideas?' #or dare i say even perhaps yknow. doing what other youtubers do in similar situations and find ways to tie that subject #to what they usually talk about is just. wild #course that last one would take actual creativity and aint that just the crux of the issue #james somerton #or i say cannot go without stating i should say cannot go without restating kwnrkabdkwbrn

[idiaa-shroxd]

Your cat cafe au is so much fun and so soft I adore it but hearing that Malleus and Leona's cats are friends is so funny to me and spawned the worst idea XD Prefect: Leona, Nebula is pregnant Leona: ...By who? Prefect gestures to Oatmeal and Nebula cuddling.

we share the same brain!! actually working on the cat au ask right now, but have a few irl emergencies that prevented my writing, and here’s a little bit of it! but first let me just say this is 100% my thought process if you and rook have yet to neuter the kitties. oatmeal and nebula have a romeo and juliet love story! \(//∇//)\ more under cut! this isn’t canon in the au or anything but a fun concept!!

“Nebula has never looked better, he scooped her up in one arm and held her firmly against his bicep, smug as she meowed up at him and purred loudly. He had zero hesitation to hold her while walking to his fated rival, looking him and his cat up and down before scoffing. The two proceeded to argue over who’s cat looked better wearing their dorm uniform for a bit, as the two cats seemed content in their arms without hostility to one another. - Leona Kingscholar

Malleus Draconia - As Leona argues with him half his brain has melted to this is the greatest cat. Cat precious. My firstborn is the best in this world. The other half of him smugly picks up his son in his own arm, the cat against his own bicep as he begins talking about how regal he is. Honestly, his cat is just happy to spend time with him and begins playfully nipping at him after not getting enough attention.”

anyways back to the ask!! I’d like to imagine if that actually happened then leona would freak out at malleus, while malleus is shocked he is getting his first grandchild with you already as you reiterate that is a cat, and you both are not married. he’s not listening, to you or leona. they end up being that in law family that despise one another thoroughly like my child is too good for your child but i don’t want to lose custody of my grandchild. cats tend to have multiple kitties at once so im thinking depending on the amount the may definitely mean the boys now live ay Ramshackle with the kittens, with Nebula nipping at her dad proudly showing him her babies and Oatmeal showing his dad his babies too, forcing the two men to bond despite their prominent scowls, but they avoid being too loud because you remind them kittens are sensitive to noises. (。-∀-)

they’d definitely end up trying to adopt the kittens when you graduate.. but that custody battle is a talk for a different day. on the bright side Oatmeal and Nebula finally get to stay with each other openly as they raise the kitties.

for anyone curious ( ^ω^ ) been busy these past few weeks with art fight, and my cat needed a vet emergency, still have to return to the vet later this week, but i’m also working on a r-18 birthday leona fic! friendly reminder my navigation does say mdni and you are responsible for the content on my profile that you view!♪

Σ('◉⌓◉’) actually haven’t written r-18 works for social media in a bit, but i will try my best to make the fic! if anyone does not want to view the content, please block the tag “shrouded in desire.” which i will be tagging the fic, and all r-18+ fics on my profile for those who do not want to see the content!

#questions of styx. #more on the topic of this ask!! it’s ALWAYS fine to send asks like this— and to want to talk or expand on my concepts!! #absolutely love kitty aus and my reqs. are open!! (´・ω・｀) #im happy to receive asks like this!! despite my recent business these motivate my writing \(//∇//)\ #my kitty is fine but the medical emergency has just exhausted me from writing and ive been trying to adjust them to new foods and things #that aside i maybe deleted my rollo draft three times because im self conscious ( ´Д`) however will be rewriting! #im working on a leona birthday fic that should hopefully turn out good #im not too sure how good my writing for those kind of fics could be but id be happy to try my best to reward people patiently waiting for #more content!! was surprised despite my unannounced hiatus i still retained a steady follower increase- thank you!! #( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ quick reminder my nav says you’re responsible for what you read and ill try to give another warning before posting the fic and #try my best to tag the fic appropriately. thank you for understanding!! #i also had the idea to sketch and create oc siblings of like each dorm leader so also got distracted #rather than writing had this genuine thought and got possessed with the headcanon that azul should have a brother #don’t ask whether that’s a pos or neg thing but he just needs one.

[puthyflapps]

I have an intimate truth to share: I think Sunday would be a very cute name for a shoni baby who lives on a farm with her two moms. Sunday Shalifoe??? They could call her Sunny!! C’mon it writes itself!! And if she looked just like Shelby?? The material is there!! 😭😭😭

#also I think the idea of the B-side of the wilds (s3-4) taking place in the future and flashing back to the bunker and post-bunker times #would’ve been very interesting if like shoni are together living on a farm with their little baby having this happy private life only to be #dragged back into drama with the rest of the girls who maybe they haven’t seen or spoken to in sometime all because of Gretchen finally #being caught and them having to go to court and we learn through the flashbacks that shoni lost touch but reconnected some time after being #for real rescued and and flashbacks that go a little further back reveal that maybe Shelby kept quiet about something or helped Gretchen ge #away or simply as a reward for not saying something to the fbi back when they were rescued Gretchen gives Shelby Toni’s information which i #the whole catalyst and reason they were able to reconnect and it puts a big strain on their current relationship when it’s revealed cuz #Toni thot their reunion was one of genuine chance like the universe randomly bringing them back together but turns out that’s not true bc #Shelby clearly sought her out and then ofc through flashbacks that go all the way back to bunker times it’s revealed Shelby was working as #confederate which is just another thing she lied to Toni and the others about and right when you really think shits going sideways and thei #marriage is going to implode from all this there’s ANOTHER dramatic reveal which is like the real reasons behind Shelby agreeing to be a #confederate which probably have something to do with Martha and the court case or Toni’s mom or something in the vein and Toni realizes tha #Shelby did it for her/to protect her and then shoni is back on baybeee cuz that’s her baby mama frfr!!!!! #the wilds #long winded and full of holes but that’s all I got #toni shalifoe #goodfoe #shelby x toni #shoni #shelby goodkind #Toni x Shelby #shoni baby

[sallytwo]

every 3-6 months my opinon on nick locarno does a complete 180. it’s like hey buddy ✌️😁

#and that false friend kept his back turned…. #here’s what it boils down to #1) pilots and esp young hotshot jet pilots are supposed to be reckless and fun and dangerous. read the right stuff #and if they get killed it’s just cuz ‘they didn’t have what it takes’ you constantly have to prove yourself. READ THE RIGHT STUFF #2) this in general is demonstrated in starfleet cuz the officers that take big risks are the ones who get rewarded for it. we see that in tn #except none of the ‘heros’ ever die or get reprimanded for their choices. cuz they always end up okay #2) nick is like 21-22 and it seems unfair to judge him super hardly for the accident #because it’s DEMONSTRATED that starfleet actively encourages this type of behavior in officers and that definetly bleeds over to the cadets #3) and well. we’ve gotten to the biggest one. even if rationally he should be a sympathie character that i can forgive. #the thing is. that you look up to your cadet officers like they are your whole entire world. they’re your leaders you’d do anything for them #but they’re also your friends. and even if nick is in the clear. i cannot for the life of me imagine being betrayed like that #BY specifically your squad leader. like with officers it’s impartial they don’t realllyyyy care about you. BUT A CADET OFFICER. #YOURE SUPPOSED TO TRUST THEM THWYRE SUPPOSED TO STAND BY YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!!! ugh #which is why first duty is sooo rough for me cuz like. man you can’t not empathize with wesley there i can’t imagine if that happened to me #i would kill myself for real. anyway. moral of this is i’m a nick hater again hashtag hater

[rimouskis]

I feel like this experience of the last few weeks has been me telling myself I'm on my own, I'm the only one who can save me, no one is coming to help, I'm the one who needs to figure this out and fix it all on my own, and then in response the universe sort of gently cradles me and opens up windows so I can see hands coming out to hold me from unexpected places. it's so tender. it's being vulnerable and realizing there are so many kind people out there who want to help.

#me when I realize allowing myself to be vulnerable is both more rewarding and better for me: 🧍‍♀️ #like to be clear I still need to do the legwork and pursue things. BUT. I am letting people metaphorically hold doors open for me #it's very... warming #also even my dad said if I needed help that he and my mom could help me and 😭 #that's so hard to hear as a Young American who very much has it engrained that once you move out You're On Your Own Kid etc etc #and I don't think it will get to that point but: it's like... there is a world of people out there man. #and a lot of them don't care about you. but there are other people out there who do care about you and you can't turn away from that

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

it's possible i'm missing more recent discussion but like, ok, titania as xenia clearly tracks both in terms of fey hospitality and also in the broader sense of like, ritualized kindness and love of strangers/expression of love as social contract, considering both feo ul's relationship with you and the way the fairies treat their king post lightwardening. BUT why are we saying innocence is agape?? that's buying so hard into vauthry's own mythos about himself? innocence is philautia. the wod would have been agape.

#the nemesis speaks #swift plays ff14 #ffxiv spoilers #shadowbrings spoilers #the entire vauthry/eulmore story is like. pure and unfiltered vanity. #and then the leg right before you climb mt. gulg engages with the non-perverse side of self-love #w/ chai-nuzz taking charge etc. & the free and bonded eulmorans approaching equals #i mean wod-as-agape is not. a new thought. i'm more like confused about why the vauthry philautia connection escapes people #but agape isn't JUST divine love it's also self-sacrificial love or love without expectation of reward; love for others without condition #which like. ymmv depending on your pc but going just off canon actions is CLEARLY NOT a vauthry thing?? #unless you want to talk about the way the eulmorans view vauthry but like. i could sit here all day turning love metaphors into other ones #eros is already kind of a slanted one #wjskh. anyway.

[sunburnacoustic]

@ everyone in the music industry, Muse have always been highly silly, you just never noticed it before because you were too busy thinking, ‘holy shit they’re hot’

#@ everyone these days who calls Muse silly or too earnest or is baffled by Muse’s fashion sense #Istg social media has turned bullying into a reward system. No one thinks you’re cool for dumping on a band minding their own business #Muse #muse band #musers #Aimed at non Musers really. #Hate people mindlessly trying to be some sort of internet heroes by saying Muse are shit #Like okay. Fine. Does your family think of you? I thought not. #Rant #I’m not usually too bothered by it; I just ignore it and don’t go looking for it #And Muse don’t pop up outside of Muser spaces too often #But with the KL thing Muse’s show caught some internet attention #And fucking hell there are some mindless dweebs on there #Made the mistake of joining Instagram. Everyone there’s so self centred and performative

[frogkeyboard]

i'm about to get a 4.0 this semester for my first all ap schedule GOD BLESSSSS IM GETTING AN A IN AP CALC

#now i just need to turn shit in for ap drawing and ap bio 💀 #rambles #do not reblog #all a's!!!!! all a's!!!!!!!!! #i'm already qualified for maximum merit for both my in state colleges i'm probably gonna go to for my first year but god it is so rewarding #i missed two whole weeks of school and absolutely went through it this year but like god damn. this guy can do it #this guy (me) can do it!!!! #though i do only do what i need to scrape by because this comes naturally to me and i have horrible habits. thank you #just remembered two more things i have to do #it is nearly 9 o clock

[violetsareblue-selfships]

good morning!! <3

#bg3 is like 56% done installing #so hopefully i'll get to play that later tonight #but otherwise i'll attempt more of the fighting event in hsr #i really need to like build my charas better bc #i'm going past the limit on how many turns you can use in order to get rewards #and i know it's only gonna get worse for other weakness types lol #but that's a problem for future me lol #i'd like to maybe write something #i literally have written one christmas fic for my f/os so i'd like to do more christmas/wintery things #especially in the lil time we have left :3 #but anyways #i hope you have a good day/night! <3 #morning rambles

[britneyshakespeare]

me: you can't save me... Night Crawling by Miley Cyrus featuring Billy Idol: yes I can. I'm Night Crawling by Miley Cyrus featuring Billy Idol.

#NIGHT CRAWLIN!!!! SKY FALLIN!!!!! GOTTA LISTEN WHEN THE DEVIL'S CALLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #what's wrong with craving attention under the disco ball....... fuck you #text post #miley #plastic hearts #billy idol's feature on this is so good though too #it's not just a starpower thing (like miley needed that?) #all of her collabs with older legacy artists (ha... she already was a legacy artist before she turned 30) #always feel like they come out of genuine respect and mutual admiration. they feel so inspired and well-fit #which is not something you see every time a younger pop star trots out an old boomer idol #billy idol is THE boomer idol. well. not really THE but certainly one of them #His Name Is Idol you gotta admit #i fuckin love plastic hearts #miley is so. i love her i have loved her since i was in first grade i will love her for the rest of my life #she is The Artist to me and she always will be #and she always rewards me for stanning her consistently throughout my whole life w good eclectic music. god bless

[4giorno]

oh yeah i managed to beat all worlds in the simulated universe on difficulty 2 😚

#ill take this opportunity to talk abt the boss enemies bc i LOVE svarog and kafka they are super fun #and gepard sucks bc of the shield thing but i imagine its largely bc my damage is so ass bc i dont farm relics before tl60 #so i think thats gonna get less painful when i have the right gear #but the worst is definitely cocolia like omg i hate bronya so much #its truly one of those tasting your own medicine fights lmao like we all love playing turn delay teams #but when an enemy does that to you it feels like the worst most grating and painful experience ever 🤡 #anyway i discovered after that fight that my jing yuans ornaments were +0 💀 #i found out bc the immersion reward after winning that fight was actually a lightning dmg boost ornament for the crit rate set #so i ofc went to put it on him immediately #his ratio is now 41/103 so not enough crit rate to actually use the set effect but 🙃 #its bc he only has a 4* crit rate piece. i haven gotten a single crit rate 5* from bosses #hmmmm i wonder. do i have enough 5 star relics to salvage 10? bc then i could make him a crit rate piece with the self modeling resin thingy

[beatcroc]

I just wanna say thank you for reblogging all the stuff spreading awareness of recent antisemitism that you have recently. You are the only person I follow who isn't jewish who I've seen do so at all (Unless I'm mistaken and you are jewish too). I know not everyone is aware of every single bad thing happening in the world at any moment, and don't think people HAVE to reboot about negative events or whatever, but how much you seem to care really warms my heart and reassures me we aren't alone (Unless, once again, I am mistaken and you are jewish)

👍but nah i'm not jewish, just pissed off

#doing the talking for this one IN the tags bc i would really rather be answering this privately lol #feels so weirdly like. performative. to say it out in the open but whatver #i just have so much. anger. abt this shit #every time i turn around and learn about some random history/culture event or fixture its like #'oh yeah and originally this got started to shit on jewish ppl' and its just like how is this so deeply fucking ingrained in everything #and like i'm black so. without trying to compare the two too directly for obvious reasons #i do in some ways understand the thing with the whole system being slanted against you like that #AGAIN not comparing 1:1 because the history of jews being scapegoated for everything ever and always getting the shit end of the stick #is like leagues apart and beyond stuff thats gone down w/ blacks' histories #but i get the infuriation and the sting of people just. not fucking caring or even NOTICING The Issues #to be clear i am unbelievably sheltered and ignorant about like every culture ever+ usually unmotivated to search things out on my own #so endless thanks to my jewish friends/mutuals for just bein themselves and passively keeping me like. informed. #abt basics for not being antisemitic and how to respect jewish culture #cause god knows im not gonna hear it out in everyday society or whatever #yeag. and anyway i also have personal beef #from being raised christian and having to get away from [gestures broadly at the whole of christian teachings] #and im like. you killed people for this? to do things this badly? you stomped out their culture and practices to bring THIS into the world? #literally fuck off and die nothing you taught me is even a fraction as... idk. rewarding? as the fragments ive seen of jewish culture #rewarding or like. hopeful or meaningful maybe. its hard to put an exact word to it but to speak it more directly- #i am Wildly Misanthropic but whenever i learn stuff about jewish culture im like. #you know if these sorts of ideals were more widespread i probably wouldn't hate humanity so much. #[i also feel this way abt native americans but thats a whole ass other thing.] #[similarly seeing people whose ideals i also value being consistently treated like shit tends to just fuel the misanthropy soooooo...] #its like these are the people who actually know how to live and this is what the greater populace thinks of them? lmao ok #[to be clear i live in the usa so you can imagine the kind of culture im Actually exposed to lolllll] #at any rate reblogging a post on social media really feels a negligble gesture but im glad it's appreciated nonetheless

[sunplanter]

I love waking up at 5am and having a breakdown 😌

#I’m so fucking tired of being someone people (read: men) are only interested in talking to when they want to have sex with me #like I’m a fucking PERSON too #i hate that I feel like I’m asking too much or pulling teeth trying to get a decent conversation out of someone bc I genuinely like them #and I want to know them as a person #and then they seem like they couldn’t care less until it’s about sex or leading up to us fucking #like do you know how awful that feels #do you know how demoralizing and sad it is to be told by the world over and over that the only interesting thing about me to so many people #is my body? #i used to accept it and try to find good in it #because for a long time I didn’t even think anyone could like my body either #so someone showing interest in having sex with me was very rewarding and validating even if that’s all they wanted #but now it feels awful #because it’s so glaringly obvious that no one I’m interested in seems to genuinely like me as a person beyond what my body does for them #and I’m just so so tired of getting excited and happy about someone only for it to turn out the same exact way every time #and somehow when they’re no longer interested it’s even worse #like not only was my personality/who I am not enough in the first place #but now my body isn’t either and it feels like BOTH are bad and wrong #i just want to feel genuinely loved and appreciated as a person for once but #I’m starting to get really scared that that isn’t a possibility and that I’m just not interesting or good enough for that #personal #will delete probably