#the way this is going the only thing that's gonna get better is my hate. both towards you and towards me

[kyupidos]

04/28/24’s delivery 🏹✉️ twisted wonderland

and, here’s to you!ヽ( ･∀･)ﾉ_θ彡☆Σ(ノ `Д´)ノ,ヽ( ･∀･)ﾉ_θ彡☆Σ(ノ `Д´)ノ ;; summary. ‘a date, for a kind thing they did for you.”

characters. savanaclaw , octavinelle : ruggie bucchi , jade leech ( separate ) ;; romantic . 🖇️ tags. reader is gender neutral ( you/your ), reader may or may not be yuu ( up to the reader ), pre-relationship, romantic fluff

📡 _a/n. well, this is a little short..sorry for the late-ish update y’all, was busy praising my sebek nesoberi that i finally got 🙏🙏

r. bucchi

— oh wow, how ruggie would appreciate a buffet styled dinner date.. and to think he was getting it because he helped you out on some important assignments you missed out on because you were rotting sick in bed!! to have been able to have racked up this kind of debt for you to get this sort of pay…wait hey, did you think he liked you? oh, he doesn’t, not like the food he eats somehow tastes better when he’s eating with you, and it’s not like he’s oddly nervous whenever you near him. ..on obvious lie on his end—he knows full well he likes you, but he’s not sure he’d be able to provide for you, so he lays a little low until he can assess.

— so to know you invited him on this kind of dinner date, to a buffet? safe to say he’s stoked if nothing else. he’s just about ready to eat whatever comes his way, but at the very least he’d like to cater to you. this is a date after all, and he’d hate to ruin the chance you gave him. so take a seat at your table, he’ll bring him and yourself whatever foods may suit your fancy, and do his best to impress you since you’re the one paying for this. he wouldn’t want to disappoint, or take advantage of this in an unsavory manner ( obviously he’s still gonna eat as much as he can, what’d ya expect? ).

— once you get back to your dorms, nearing the dead of night around a little around when one would usually eat their dinner, expect him to invite you over to savanaclaw for said dinner, something he was ready to prep just for you. after all, while a buffet is nice, a homemade dinner is equally so, if not better given it was made from the heart of people you know.

j. leech

— after scaring some delinquent classmates off your tail with his scary ( not yet ) boyfriend attitude, you took it upon yourself to ask jade on a date to go mountain hiking—and who was he to refuse? after all he’s head over heels for you, and he’s been looking for a well enough opportunity to go on an outing for you; he would never decline a chance like this. if you hear his little giggles as he comes to find you didn’t stand him up, don’t point it out. not like he’s hiding it, but he might end up a little shy over it. give him a bit to settle into his usual confident mereel self.

— he wouldn’t want you to trip and fall on your hiking date, so he requests you hold onto his hand ( he knows full well you can handle yourself, he just wants an excuse ). either way he does his best to care for you, especially if you only asked to go mountain hiking because you knew it was something that’d make him happy. he might scold you a bit if he found out, not to mention if you happen to be inexperienced. but he won’t chew you out too harshly, because he’s enjoying the time he’s got to spend with you, and he’s hoping you feel the same.

— once the sun is set, finally the two of you go back, visiting jade’s room, which is surprisingly empty, leaving the two of you to bask in each others silence. just lay there for a little with him, and rejuvenate as you settle down into some light conversation after a nice afternoon mountain hiking date.

#🦢 swan signed ! #kyupidos #twst #twisted wonderland #twst x gn reader #twst x reader #twst hcs #twst x gender neutral reader #twst fluff #twst headcanons #ruggie x reader #ruggie x gn reader #ruggie bucchi x reader #jade x reader #jade x gn reader #jade leech x reader #savanaclaw #twst savanaclaw #octavinelle #twst octavinelle

[mod2amaryllis]

What's cosmic depression?

when you're depressed but in the cosmos

#it's like. depression that's so much bigger than your body. depression that encompasses all of reality. #i go into Walmart after walking 500 miles from my car because the parking lot is vast and eternally full #i need one specific thing. katsu sauce for example. only walmart has it according to an online search. #i am overwhelmed by the sprawl. I'm like there's no way all these clothes are gonna be bought. this is so many waffle makers. #against my better judgement i pass by the pet section. half gallon self cleaning betta boxes are 50% off. #I've lived here all my life and remember when this was a local chain grocery store. #there is a specific smell. #i hate walmart i hate going in. i can get cheaper bananas at smiths. in fact everything is cheaper at smiths. why am i here. #oh right. katsu sauce. #i find the condiment aisle with an asian section. there is no katsu sauce. #and that's cosmic walmart depression #m2a #m2answers

[mokeonn]

One of my favorite things about being in my early 20s is that I'm starting to understand that I can use things not for their intended purpose. When you're growing up, you get told what an object is and what its intended purpose is, and as a kid/teen, I just accepted all of it at face value. As a young adult it's finally clicking that I can simply do things a different way if it makes me happier. Sure, I was taught that you stand to take a shower, but there's nothing stopping me from just sitting if I don't feel like it, ya know? I might have always had my medication in the kitchen, but if I'm no longer remembering to take it, I can just move it somewhere where I can remember. You don't have to specifically store all food in the kitchen, you can have a little snack cart or snack station in another room.

The downside to finding out the various ways you can use objects is that you develop habits that would probably go on an r/relationships post where everyone says you're a little freak.

#simon says #i just developed a new habit (it's too tmi to put here) and I just know that it's some weird shit #it works and it makes me feel better so I'm gonna keep doing it #but it's some shit that would end up viral where everyone would go 'yo op you should break up with them thats weird' 😔 #i was just thinking about this though because every week or so I learn that I can just do what I want #because there's no fucking object use police I can do what I want #i HIGHLY suggest getting into this habit. if you find something annoying or frustrating you can just do it differently #'I hate washing the dishes because my legs hurt from standing for so long' you can bring a chair and sit or you can break it up into chunks #like on the one hand I'm learning this because I have autism and a plethora of other mental disorders #and it's FINALLY clicking that I can self accommodate whenever and however I so please #I'm just sorta learning that if doing something makes me feel better/happy/gets the job done to do that thing #even if it requires using an object in an odd way #hell there's even some little things I've been playing with #for example: my whole life we sorta just lifted blinds only about halfway up #just sorta how we did it ya know #well recently I decided I wanted more natural light in the sunroom/my office so I wouldn't have to turn on the lamp #and I lifted the blinds all the way up to the very top #and honestly?? it fucking rules. the room looks nicer; i get natural light; i can see the forest out back and it's quite calming and nice #like for ages I just never thought about doing that because it just never occurred to me that I could #i just always put blinds about halfway up because that's about how high blinds do in my household #another little one I learned is that I can just... wash my hair #sometimes when I get too depressed or if my body doesn't need a shower but my hair is greasy #I just shove my head under the bathtub facet and wash my hair #it's just a small thing but for years if my hair needed to be washed I would just take a full shower #now I just fix my greasy hair. bc greasy hair is a huge ick for me but sometimes my body is still clean or im too tired to fully shower #like there's nothing stopping me from doing that and it doesn't hurt anyone. it's just a way of bathing that I wasn't taught #but yeah those are some recent examples of me learning I can just... do stuff differently #the free will is kicking in babes and it has decided I love finding ways to use things differently #it's why im doing a bg3 run where I just press loot all no matter what and use whatever I can in odd ways #anyways I might delete this later might not who knows

[blitz0hno]

Me pondering: kids are capable of going through and understanding complex problems and their feelings should be taken seriously when it counts.

Me practically: who are all these annoying fucking kids in the milgram fandom and why are they posting the worst takes and most irrelevant bullshit I've ever seen ever???

I think these are valid to coexist.

#haterposting sorry lile kids like amane? #w ACTUAL maturity and intelligence? yes hear them out!! #some 13-year-old posting drivel about “ships” when it's completely irrelevant #or missing the point of very complex plot points bc they are Literally Not The Age Demographic and Actually Dont Understand It? #im SO SORRY i am not gonna b mean to anyone but I WILL HATE THEM FROM AFAR #GO BACK TO BNHA OR DANGANRONPA U ARE ACTUALLY MAKING THE SPACES LOWER QUALITY BY BEING HERE #like obviously it does not matter at all lmao kids will do whatever #i was watching bojack horseman at 13 thinking i was So Smart i don't get to talk #but to be fair i NEVER missed the point as bad as some milgram kiddies in the YouTube side of the fandom #like no “wrong” way to enjoy things but imo they legitimately need to enjoy something else #but literally if your only takeaway from this project is “omg ship cute characters silly” #but you still insist on joining discussion spaces? god please leave #I DON'T HATE MINORS I DON'T DISCRIMINATE i just think the minors who legitimately have nothing to add should shut the fuck up #sorry livechat got me wildin lmaooooo idc that much but like it's a weird contrast #cuz my general genuine feelings for most situations is “yeah listen to kids' perspectives wholeheartedly” #but like ONLINE kids who post about nonsense that has nothing to do with what others are trying to discuss? godddd they legit need to leave #nothing against shipping either long as ur not Gross #(coughbitchesshippingwholeadultawunderagecharacterscough) #but if that's ALL YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT there are way better fandoms for that leave the milgram creators aloooone lmao #minors who actually Think about shit this does not apply to you obviously lol #if ur smart ur smart if you contribute u contribute #but like try to let urself be a kid sometimes too lol

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#me @ my youngest sister at 6.30 this morning: yooooooo can u draw me a fishy so i can get it tattooed on me? #i drew her some flowers so i want a paralell tattoo with her initials bc she has my initials on her #but i literally have not spoken to her since like may bc i do not talk to my sisters unless we r in the same room. no hate we just dont hav #a lot in common. it makes me a lil sad tho bc im curious abt them. my youngest sister is at least nice to me 😭 #ive been thinking abt asking her for ages and last night i was asked abt my sisters so i was like. the time is now #while im still a bit elevated #which has been to my advantage bc i was able to stay v chatty and energetic while talking to ppl. and i think i made some friends #we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science #we make the world go round. but its so interesting to hear them talk abt coming to school here bc they both liked where they were and r #leaving their support systems. and im like bruh if i didn't leave the southwest i was gonna die. im so happy to b here #support system? whats that. i talk to my parents once a month and that's it lol. but im gonna try to establish one here #and try to actually make actual friends. this school is way better abt making grad students interact #my last school was not at all like that. but anyway i had fun #and i mean im only at the start of the semester. and im in a good mood. and i kno things will get stressful #but im just really happy i got accepted here #and the longer im here the more clearly i can see how much i was suffering #the funny thing is tho that i wrote this last night and only hours later i was squirming in frustration bc the fact that im back in therapy #means i feel a greater obligation to not b actively self destructive. evil coping mechanisms my beloved #this is y my mum wanted me back in therapy bc im a goodie 2 shoes and when my counselor is like: did u do X the next time i see her. ill b #honest and itll b annoying >:-[ ugh #its just hard for me to b around ppl a lot bc i get stuck in mental loops bc ocd. which is exhausting. and i want it to stop #and i want to do bad things to make it stop but i wont bc im trying to b better #its just funny to me that ill go from everythings awful to everythings great i shoukd talk to my sisters and make friends and do this and #this and this. to oh god i cant do this anymore in such short time frames with certainty that how im feeling is how ive always felt #ive also noticed that my peaks of high energy do come before stressful events. which does make me worry for future stressful events. like #defending. i mean ive never gone fully off the tracks but its a lil alarming when it feels like the train is going at a million miles an hr #unrelated #meanwhile my other sister is apparently in Colorado but when i saw the pics is was like: YOU BITCH #R U CLOSE TO ME RN??? but no. Colorado is far away

[chemicalbrew]

achievement get (for the billionth time): take one look at an assignment and get severely overwhelmed AND discouraged for the rest of the day and do nothing

#it's so much and it's dishonest work!! literally dishonest because all i can think of is how bullshit a lot of it sounds. instead of #you know? #actually learning anything? #but this thorough lack of motivation is just gonna get me in trouble isnt it. how do i swallow my emotions and figure things out #its getting harder every year and the feeling that the few people i have close by do not ever truly understand - like at all - is horrifyin #yes sorry this is all i could think of for the past six hours. im having a great day (no im not. i also hate myself for feeling this way) #zero.txt #im sure it hurts the few people who care and who thought i'd actually go on to do things to see me constantly wallowing for reasons #that they refuse to comprehend or have compassion for. #just stop being sad! just get to work piece by piece! have some resilience #meanwhile all ive done is cry. maybe a part of me just likes feeling like this i DONT KNOW #and ofc so often im like. the only reason im still around is im quiet and they havent invented thought police #yet. #how can i have hope when the moment i decide to pluck a silver of it out of my core i read something that in a better world would not even- #-be a nightmare #like. you say things like that with your mouth and expect us to mindlessly repeat if we want anything in life... #fuck my stupid baka life <3 #ugh im just going in yet another circle now when i know trying to put my feelings in words is not helpful. what IS helpful #negative #again sorry. at least you dont have to open this wall of tags #delete later #maybe

[ruckis--rookie]

perhaps I will do some writing tonight instead of sleeping.... Tucker is helping me by being a literal lap cat as we speak

#ruckis borks #ruckis rants #<- in the tags #I've been wanting to do some writing on the account of I need a way to take my mind off of how the campaign has been going #it's been a massive snowballing effect paired with player favoritism. ugh. #a large part of it is difference in preferred playstyle and pace #I'm not gonna get too into detail but I will say. with how its been going it makes the oddysey look like a cake walk. #its being blamed on The Fates as a plot point but largely has to do with how dependent the dm is on dice rolls for results(the dice hate us #idk about you but playing out a soap opra you didnt consent to being a part of when it started out as goofs and gaffs Every Single Session #it kinda sucks #on top of the fact her dice REALLY hate us and the only part I had left to enjoy (fighting) has been sapped of fun. we keep losing. #but anyways one of my characters got the fuck out of dodge and went home after telling the party leader off #and the other has gone full on psociopath murder hobo mode #and now I'm sitting here like... I could write a better story >:( I'm GONNA write a better story >:((( #so yeagh this might just be the thing that pushes me to continue writing OotS (I'm also reduxing the first few chapters of the heroes tale)

[abyssalpriest]

if i disappear after saying that ive been assassinated no jokes aside if i take that down its not bc i disagree with it, you can still pin it on me as a belief that i think that shit should be said and ill put my whole ass behind it, but saying shit like that has consequences lmfao. also theres a time and a place to bring that up

#ive already. dealt. with enough fucking propagandising royal family members on my fucking ASS this lifetime to last. the rest of #this universe's incarnation. sometimes its better to not get involved which i KNOW is a big part of why the propaganda is rampant #among people who work with ''demons'' but like. no. no race is more superior than other races. hot take i know sorry #ramblings // #honestly tho. im so sick of dealing with the topics of ascending and (''demon'') racial supremacy and fighting jxdaism under the guise #of ''we hate chrxstians tho and thats good!'' bc ''(JEWISH NAME FOR GOD????) is a horrible person he wiped out half his angels!!!!'' #listen i do not care how uncomfortable you are w your species' and peoples' histories you are. leave innocent fucking people and their #concept of the Creator that you dont even understand alone. whats the point in pride in your people if youre only proud of how #your people are Better than another set of people. like. bruh. are you proud of being a (demon) or are you so insecure your only source of #literally describing said propagandising family members lord almighty im gonna stop myself there. #WOW. I DSFJKHDFH. IVE NEVERRRRR SUDDENLY GOTTEN THE URGE TO TALK SHIT ABOUT WAR /AND/ SPILL THINGS PEOPLE #WANT SECRET /AND/ TALK SHIT ABOUT TWISTING KNOWLEDGE TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK GOOD /AND/ HAD IT DEVOLVE INTO #''even tho im (practically) hindu jxdaism is too fucking important to my family for me to not have OPINIONS about shit'' BEFORE HMM #WEIRD WEIRD unincarnated selves just fucking going AT it. i mean. spilling opinions. cant say they havent gone at it in other #ways too wow no wonder Ardhanarishvara (God as half man half woman) and Shiva and Shakti are super important to me - #NO WONDER THIS CAME AFTER TALKING ABOUT CONSCIOUSNESS AND MIND WHO I SEE AS SHIVA AND SHAKTI #anyway the first post had nothing to do w jxdaism and this topic itself has nothing to do w it i just finally had it click why Certain Peop #calling the things the kings they worship did atrocities of (name) was bothering me SO much. i mean i knew why the rest of it was bothering #me - i mean the NAME bit clicked

[woahajimes]

i hate tumblr new format. alsooo whatd i miss

#listen my tumblr writing voice is disappearing since all i post are instagram CFs. #alas whats #errr i went to ecuador over the summer and holy i love cocktails #i got drunk for the first time and the next date went hungover to a diff date and then got into a relationship but i broke up with him like #two days ago #IB Y2 is effectively killing me and the last thing i needed was someoen that drained me #also i found an argentine show called rebelde way from the 2000 s #go di need to rant about it i feel so strongly like i just im so frustrated school is so much and i am bf-less (for the better) and #i turn 18 soon and i start college next sept and im gonna major in math and OH BUT i dont want to be alone i hate being alone oh oh oh #bu the show is so good but my deadlines are so heavy but the show but pablo and marizza #IB took over sm of my life like yeah i let it consume me but oh god oh oh oh #i hadnt had a legit interest or show i liked bc i know i get deranged about them #godd im also one of the only 2 girls left in the program #and i need to hit the gym bc like. grad is soon and why are boys in my school so mean #in ecuador this isnt a thing like friendships are sm closer in ecuador and dynamics are so different and oh i yearn to be with tehm i reall #do but the country is like not okay and i had a kidnapping scare but oh oh oh to feel loved by the people around you #anyways what else #sorry i disappeared fellas

[analyticallymindedaa]

"i don't want him to be anybody but himself." "you sure about that?" "yes." "'cause i heard he told you how he felt and you bailed."

[...]

"the only thing that makes him worse...is you." "i know. why do you think i left?"

today on: i'm literally never gonna be not angry about how jemma was treated throughout s2

#like. this could have been her villain origin story. #tbh it looked like it was gonna be for a second there #but yeah going through the same traumatic event as your best friend and saving his life and trying to help him recover #right after he told you he was in love with you and wouldn't let her help when she tried #and leaving because everything you do seems to make things worse and hearing he's doing better while you're better #only to return and hear that he's been telling anyone who will listen that he told you how he felt and you bailed #still continuing to be treated. Not Great by said guy who says he's in love with you and preferred the hallucination of you he had #and gets frustrated with you when you try to literally do what he wants (to help him. to use you to talk through.) #(only for everyone to insist that you Must have feelings for him even when you continue to say you never thought of him that way) #only for him to ultimately have the attitude of 'if you won't date me i can't even try to be friends with you' p much the entire time #idk man! it'd be my villain origin story! #this is not a fitz friendly blog #every time i rewatch this show he grates on me more and more #(also to be noted: not just the way he is with jemma. the way he is with most characters.) #and like. i hated mack through most of s2 and then in s3 he became one of my favorites so like! i can change my opinions of characters! #just like how i used to love fitz and now i hate him lmao #several bad puns later – out of character. #idk i'm just gonna tag it as that for now #if u read these tags to this point you're the real mvp and i love you

[finalhaunts]

-

#vent #its so hard to believe that I’m not just inherently unlovable when every relationship i’ve been in has crashed and burned #and twice in a row now its ended with thw other person getting with someone Better. #I think i’m just not cut out for relationships of any kind. whether it be a qpr or romantic #because every time i’ve always absolutely ruined it with my terrible anxiety and ocd #like i’m done trying at this point. if I ever get feelings like that again (which I doubt iwill) I’m just not going to pursue them. #because like whats the point of it if I know it’s just going to end the exact same way it always does #in 5 months at worst and nearly 2 years at best #i wouldnt normally talk about this here but idont really have anyone to talk to about this #i’m probably going to #immediately bury this under a million posts so certain people don’t see this #I don’t know #i think i’m just too much in general for someone to love like that #too anxious too affectionate just too much. and it’s not like i’m pretty or smart to make up for it #people usually only like me because I’m nice. #or because I’m entertaining like a little goddamn court jester #thats it. #and then they get with me and they realize Oh this fucking sucks actually. i’m gonna go now #im supposed to be on vacation i shouldnt be thinking about this i dont WANT to be thinking about this #but some stuff happened with some really fucking bad timing because god hates me and wants to make things worse for me when I’m already #struggling enough #i just wish I was normal and I wish I was good enough #and I wish I wasn’t me because I hate being stuck with myself #i give up.

[pepprs]

my onboarding has been a complete and total fucking mess it’s so stressful i want to just explode. lol

#purrs #finally got on payroll but can’t submit my time sheet bc my last student / intern timesheet WHICH SHOULDNT EVEN BE THERE bc i was in my #transitional position!! is still in my timesheet center and i already filled out a docusign time sheet for that pay period so i shouldn’t ha #have to worry abt it but i can’t submit any timesheets until that blank one gets removed by someone in payroll but a lot of ppl are on #vacation so im like wtf lol. im now on the first day of my 4th week and still haven’t gotten the email to sign up for benefits which iwwas s #supposed to get in my 2nd or 3rd week and i literally need to make appointments and figure out what im paying for counseling. still haven’t #found a carpool bc that fucking asshole wants to charge me $100 for a months worth of rides which i think is overpriced personally and also #he creeps me out but i can’t search for another carpool bc there isn’t a group for staff / faculty to like ask questions and this guy was #supposed to be my connection to helping me find staff / faculty in Columbia but instead he just inserted himself and it’s like i kinda hate #you and don’t want to ride with you but i literaly don’t think i have a choice. and then ofc my supervisor decides to leave RIGHT NOW so its #like i have to go out and find a ‘cultural contact’ who can get me acclimated to staff life bc she was supposed to do it and now she’s #fucking off to ****** so i have to replace her while ALSO taking her place w a whole bunch of work stuff AND being on the search committee w #which is launching this week. and im just about to punch something. this process has been so turbulent and frustrating i just want to be #settled in and instead km hitting roadblocks every step of the way and ppl including my close colleagues are still tagging me in my student #email when they don’t have to and they KNOW i hate it and want to have my staff email show up as much as possible. lol. ughhhhhh #i keep telling myself it’s like stars. my student star has gone out but the light takes time to travel to earth and it’s gonna keep hitting #for a while and im gonna have to deal w that. but in a couple months time god willing it’ll feel better. meanwhile i have completely paused #my quest to earn my permit and find a place to live bc i just can’t handle it rn and also im isolating myself again lolllll. so things are n #not good and im scared my counselor is only gonna give me 30 minutes like last time and spend most of it talking… we’ll see. i have more #thoughts but if i don’t go now i will be late for work lol 😃✌️

[victory-cookies]

.

#vent #i really thought I was doing better #I’d been feeling ok. Not good but ok. #and now I’m back in my fucking rut #I had a panic attack last night #and I’ve spent most of today either crying or stuck in executive dysfunction #and I haven’t studied nearly enough for my math final and I hate myself for it #I feel useless #and I’m stuck sitting here knowing that even if I get through this it’s only gonna get worse! #I’m going full time next semester (the thing that. yknow. made me suicidal the first time) and winter break doesn’t seem like a reprieve #only a delay of the inevitable #and it doesn’t even feel like Christmas anyway so what’s the fucking point #I’m a worthless idiot who probably isn’t gonna fail math but is gonna do just poorly enough that it’s embarrassing to be struggling so much #why do I want to die. I have an 80. I probably won’t fail the class #but I’m not doing bad enough to justify the way I feel and that makes it even worse #anyway sorry for venting I’m gonna go try to cbt myself into not being depressed #I just needed to get things off my chest #See y’all in a couple days

[iloveyoumorethansoup]

Bro tell me why I didn’t know there was tea at my work. I’ve been there for like 2 months. Didn’t know we had tea. Only knew we had tea because someone brought up that we have tea and that single comment changed my entire course of every day from here on out. I have tea at work now

#of course it was my favorite server who told me. there’s a reason why she’s my favorite lol #no but literally I was like. what. bc we have what. and she’s like yeah we’ve got all sorts of tea look at all this #life changing information #like not to be dramatic but tea and I are very good friends #i was sitting down with my tea so happy and she’s like what’d you get green tea? and I’m like happier than I’ve ever been like yeah :) #I don’t know how she guessed that but also apparently at one point she was a professional fortune teller so like. as far as I’m concerned #she’s like the coolest person ever and also I’m allotting every accurate prediction to that lol #and I finally got to work with my friend today!! and then promptly got stuck in a different station #it was only for like 2 hours so that’s ok but I do think it’s funny how that happened #i love her so much like things keep happening with my mother and I’m texting her like omg ur not gonna believe what she just said #also Ive now worked in all 3 areas I can as a host at work and I can say with certainty that I love assigning tables and seating people best #like please let me do fun math to see who can take tables and go run around the restaurant finding servers #everyone Hates that job. so I’m always stuck there. turns out if you put me anywhere else I’m like I miss my board :( #not to get on tumblr once per day to blog about how much I enjoy my job but apparently that’s where I am rn #oh sorry and of course to complain about my mother #who is apparently ‘staying’ now. whatever that means #it better not be moving back in bc she and I r about to have some serious words if that’s the case #sorry but you don’t get to walk out like that and apologize ur way back in. get out stay out #but I like my job :) #u know what the entire population of that restaurant is my new mother #soup talks

[weaselle]

it was too much i had to make my own post

line cook here. ACCURATE

if you don't get the hate, here's what you don't understand.

it takes up to 2 hours to close down the kitchen.

The last 60-90 minutes before closing time you do almost no cooking because the restaurant doesn't have many people in it and you've already cooked most of their diners.

So if someone walks in during, like, the last hour, the cook is in the middle of an industrial deep clean of the kitchen.

(these numbers can vary quite a bit from place to place but i have worked several restaurants with these actual times and the concept remains the same)

Say the place closes at 10. If you wait til the restaurant is already closed to start all your cleaning duties, you'll be there until at least midnight.

More than that your boss knows that on an average night you can start your clean up as soon as the last rush ends and get out of there around 10:45, even 10:15 on a slow night if you get lucky. That means there are plenty of restaurants where if you do take until midnight the manager is going to come up to you at some point that week and ask you what went wrong that night, and you'd better have an answer.

So this example restaurant closes at 10 pm. The dinner rush ends around 8:30, and shortly after that the cook is going to start getting every single dish possible over to the dishwasher because the dishwasher always gets hit hard and late, and the machine runs for 2 full minutes and only holds so many dishes, so the way that works out is if you wait an extra 30 minutes to give the dishwasher all your stuff it can mean adding like 60 minutes to the end of his shift. And you're gonna KEEP finding shit to send to the dishpit right up until you leave probably.

all these little square and rectangle containers in this cold table have to be pulled out and changed over into new containers, replaced by new full ones, or in some cases filled from larger containers in the back, which can result in even more empty containers to send to the dishwasher.

while it's all pulled apart to do this, you have to clean up all the spilled food and sauce and juices and stuff from the joints and ledges and shelves and drip trays

Once you get your line changed over in this way, and fully stocked, anytime someone orders something that makes use of a bunch of that stuff, you have to restock and re-clean it some. It might already be covered in plastic. Some of it might already be stuck in the back to make room to take apart your cutting board counter to clean. To cook a dish isn't TOO much of a problem at this point, but you're really hoping for zero orders because you still have so much other cleaning to do.

Meanwhile the salad bar and appetizer section and server station and everybody are all doing the same thing. Even the bartenders are stocking olives and lemons and sending back whisks and stir spoons and shakers and empty 4quart storage containers that used to hold the back-up lemons and olives and things. Every section is dumping their must-be-cleaneds to the dishpit as fast as possible because early and fast is the only thing they can do to to help that dishpit not absolutely drown into overtime.

The poor dishwasher is always the last to clock out, soaking wet and exhausted.

Around this time you probably scrub the flat top, which has turned black from cooked on grease and is still about 500 degrees. Line cooks are divided in opinion on water-based or oil based cleaning methods for this, but they all involve scrubbing with (usually) a brick of pumice stone using every ounce of your strength while you try not to burn yourself

you scrub it from fully blackened to gleaming silver and now if somebody orders something that needs the flat top to cook, you can either fuck up your cleaning job or fake it in a couple frying pans and pass that tiny fuck you down to your dishwasher (who usually understands, especially if you help them take the garbage out or clean your own floor drain later)

If there's deep fried stuff on the menu then the fryers have to be cleaned out, which includes straining the oil out into enormous and super-heavy pots full of oil so hot that if you spill on yourself then it's probably a hospital visit and if you slip and fall face first into it it'll be the last thing you ever do.

Then you gotta scrub out the fryer. Like you gotta take the (hot) screen out and reach your arm down into the weird rounded pipes and curved areas (so hot, burn you if you brush against them hot) and scrub off whatever is down there

Depending on your kitchen you might have to do up to four of these. Then you'll have to pour the (dangerously hot) oil back in

oh, and if you didn't dry the pipes and get ALL the water out of the trap and tank?

water reacts with hot oil in a sort of mentos and coke way that can send a tidal wave of oil past the open flame of the pilot light ...HUGE dangerous mess and/or burn down the kitchen if the oil lights up.

Unless! If the oil has been used too hard and needs to be changed, it's time to carry those open topped super heavy pots full of will-kill-you-hot oil and dump them in the barrel outside by the dumpsters so you can put room temp fresh oil in the fryers. whew!

The clean up is not just some light wiping down that can be easily interrupted, is what i'm saying.

You might have to do some kind of walk-in duty (moving around 50lb cases of lettuce and 50lb bags of onions to get to the stacks of five gallon buckets full of salad dressings and sauces to move so you can reach the giant metal pots and bus tubs full of prep and get it all organized and make sure it's all labeled and i have to stop now i'm having flashbacks)

THE POINT IS

by 15 or however many minutes to close, the line cook is doing an intense deep clean and probably has the whole stove taken apart to detail.

For some industrial stoves this means lifting off large cast iron plates that weigh like 20 lbs each and are still quite hot. Whatever metal burners are on there, you gotta take off and clean, you can see here the lines that indicate the large thick cast iron rectangles that sit on top of the burners to allow heavy pots to rest on. Those five (each has one front burner hole and one back burner hole, see?) have to be lifted off and cleaned with soap and a wire brush usually, and then the underneath area also has to be cleaned because a lot of shit falls through the burner holes on a busy night.

if you didn't do it when you did the flat top you have to do the grease trap (which can be like a full five minutes and is always disgusting).. You gotta clean out all the little gas jets in each burner with a wire or something so the burners all flame evenly, and sometimes you have to remove some of the natural gas piping that connects the burners to access where you have to clean.

you gotta clean out the bottom of the oven and the wire racks, and, oh gods, you gotta take down the filter vents from the hood fans above the stove.

See all the lined parts along the top of the wall?

those are hood vents, and as they pull air up they also pull a lot of grease and they have to be taken down and cleaned, then you gotta climb up there and scrub where they go before you put them back...

And then there's the mopping and floor drains and...

Anyway, that's what the line cook is doing when you walk in fifteen minutes before closing and order something that needs to be cooked on that stove. They are doing an entire industrial cleaning of a professional kitchen.

In some restaurants maybe one or two of these jobs will be every other night or even only twice a week, but in many, possibly most kitchens, ALL of these things happen EVERY night. You don't want to leave any food mess that might attract insects or rodents for one thing, so a really good kitchen is as close to brand new as you can get it every night.

IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO ORDER SOMETHING ANYWAY, HERE IS WHAT TO DO

open with an apology and ask the server to go ask what the cook would prefer you to order.

Any good server will already know what the cook is hoping for and what will make their line cook go into the walk in and scream. If it's significantly less than an hour to close and they say some variant of "oh anything is fine" they are either telling the lie their boss wants them to say, or they actually do not know what their line cook wants, and you can either use human connection and a conspiratorial just-between-us tone to get them to drop the customer-is-always-right act, or get them to actually go ask the cook.

It might be as specific as "the lasagna is easiest on the kitchen" or it might be a simple guideline like "nothing that requires the flat top" or "any of the sautés are easy" but a good line cook will probably have a system for if they have to make a couple of the most popular items after they start their close, so the answer is likely to include something most people like and you should be good to order that.

but for the love of all that's holy, please only do so at great need. Leave that last 30-60 minutes to the truly desperate and the crew's duties.

#long post #sorry #i just have a lot of DO PEOPLE UNDERSTAND feelings left over from all my years in restaurants #restaurants #line cook #service industry

[be-good-to-bugs]

AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day

#the bin #i hate knowing why i feel so bad and not being able to do anything about it #im scared that ill never ever feel better. its been so long since i felt ok. im worried that ill make friends and still feel horrible all #the time and it wont matter. i cant keep doing this. im so tired of being all alone. im so tired of the constant inescapable dread #im going to figure something out. in a month ill be moved and i can start figuring everything out then #i hate not being able to focus on anything besides how bad i feel. i cant enjoy anything. theres so many shows i wanna watch but i cant #because im so distracted by this. theres so much manga i wanna read and i cant. #literally the ONLY thing that has been able to make me temporarily forget this for any amount of time is dungeon meshi #its so fucking good and it sparks so much joy that it does help but not enough. i get sad again really fast. #well. im trying really hard to manage my stress. i did the math on how much i should be getting. i know that i will have rent at least. #there are 2 weeks that i dont know what my hours will be but assuming i get 13 hours at least then i should have an ok amount for #moving. its possible theyll be worse and its possible theyll be better. im really hoping theyre better. my hours have been SO BAD recently #i dont know why. i know im not bad at my job or anything. i sont think my manager dislikes me either. he does this whenever someone #hasnt been feeling well and hell do it for a couple weeks and i think its him trying to be considerate but i have bills to pay man #technically there is a shift i could pickup but the store has a drive thru so im nervous to bc idk how that works and if im asked to do that #then ill have no idea so ive been avoiding taking any shifts like that #hopefully enough will pop up in the coming weeks and i can get some more hours. i know i can cover moving vehicle cost but idk how much #gas is gonna be so im suuuuper worried abt that. hhhh. hopefully my sister and her boyfriend can get me back the $300 they owe too #honestly idk how they werent able to afford rent but immediately after they were able to afford a 40 hour roadtrip and yimw off work #whatever. it doenst matter. #i wish i could deal with the other stuff messing me up rn but i cant fix the loneliness thing without not being alone and i cant fix that #it doesnt matter how much i tell myself ill make friends eventually or if i believe it or not. i feel bad because ive gone way too long #not hanging out with anyone and my brain cant handle it. #im gonna see if maybe i can play a game with my sister soon. or maybe i couod play smth with my younger sister even #i pkayed roblox with her for a little while. maybe she would want to again. i miss her :(