I’ve got 99 (white girl) problems but a boy ain’t one
Thank fuck I don’t have a boyfriend at the moment.
I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriends the other day and I came to some spiritual awakening/religious enlightenment/inner peace with myself about being single for the past year and actually being happy. WHO KNEW you didn’t have to rely on another person for happiness? A year ago, I wouldn’t have believed it. Of course, there are some things I miss about being in a relationship (as everyone does) but lately, my mantra has become:
If you’re having boy problems I feel bad for you gurrrl. I got 99 problems but a boy ain’t one.
And that fuck for that right? Life is hard enough without boys and breakups and babies and whatever else happens when you’re in a relationship.
Non-existent relationship problems aside, I do still have white girl problems. Problems that cannot be fixed with therapy or with compromising or by breaking up. Problems that will not go away. My white girl problems are daily crises that never manage to fully disappear, no matter how many times I try to ignore them. These are problems like having to deal with makeup that manages to magically disappear/deteriorate as the night wears on (and I become drunker) and why the one answer to ALL of life’s little problems (read: Nutella) isn’t fat free.
But wait, there’s more. Let me digress:
Nutella isn’t fat-free.
I ran out of bottled water and now I have to drink from the tap.
There is ALWAYS a new Apple update.
My iPhone keeps auto correcting intentionally misspelt words.
Messages that begin and end with ‘K’
I have split ends.
I can’t parallel park.
The fridge is full, but there’s nothing I want to eat.
I’m having a wild Saturday night menstruating with cramps.
I had to listen to my friend’s uninteresting story so I could tell him mine.
I don’t know where to tavel to these holidays.
I don’t have MTV cameras to follow me and document my life.
Taxes take $10 of my pay out EVERY WEEK.
I can’t fit anymore clothes in my closet.
My vodka always manages to magically disappear.
My nail polish constantly chipping.
Gloria Jeans doesn’t sell coffees big enough.
I had to wear jeans on a hot day because I didn’t shave my legs.
I don’t have anywhere to wear those $150 shoes I bought.
I bought an expensive wardrobe and I don’t have anything to wear.
I am never able to master perfectly straight hair, even with a GHD.
I can’t hear the TV because I’m eating chips.
50+ people haven’t liked my Facebook status.
My favourite TV series just ended.
My make-up gets consecutively smeared as the night goes on.
I have trouble figuring out which foods contain carbs.
I’m still waiting for Ryan Gosling to figure out he loves me.
I can’t get out of a hot shower in winter.
Nobody has texted me today.
My pores are too big.
I have chapped lips.
I have to read 45847382 pages of Terms and Conditions.
I don’t have enough Twitter followers.
Instagram is not making my shitty photos ‘hipster’ enough.
My horoscope is totally hating on me.
My skin is unbelievably dry.
My television show isn’t in HD.
There’s no international shipping.
My false eyelashes look way too long.
There are lines in the Apple store.
I can only wear one pair of shoes at a time.
I forget to text people back because I’m way too self obsessive.
My friends are too busy having ‘careers’.
Wikipedia doesn’t have a page to plagarise for the essay I’m writing.
I pulled my muscle in a yoga pose.
Nail biting.
The person I’m trying to stalk doesn’t have Facebook.
People think Taylor Swift’s music is actually good.
The neighbour’s Wi-Fi is password protected.
I forgot to moisturize.
My iPhone 4S battery life is shit.
The lecturer switched slides before I finished copying.
There are too many choices of beige foundation.
I realised my pet is the only living thing that will listen to me.
I accidentally closed that internet tab and now I have NO WAY of getting it back.
The unknown band I like is now so main stream.
I wore a jacket out to bars and now I have to hold onto it all night
My pirated music came with no album artwork.
The best tweet I ever wrote was 143 characters.
I forgot to ‘shake before opening’.
I have to get out of bed before 12pm on weekdays.
I hate sunny days because I can’t seen the screen on my phone.
I took a nap because I was tired and now I feel even more tired.
The restaurant didn’t have Coke, so I had to settle for Pepsi.
My friend called shotgun on the front seat before I did.
I spelt a word wrong so now I have to backspace the whole sentence.
My hairline is so weird.
My generation hails Snooki as some sort of celebrity.
I don’t know what to ask for Christmas because I have everything I need.
I had to put pants on to go outside.
There are too many e-mails I have to reply to/ignore.
I have the new Facebook timeline and now I can’t get rid of it.
I have too many friends on Facebook and I can’t see everyones’ statuses.
Both sides of the pillow are warm.
All of the radio stations are playing commercials at the same time.
The movie I’m pirating is in another language and has subtitles.
I can only wear one perfume at a time.
McDonalds doesn’t deliver.
I just got my nails manicured and now I can’t use touch screen properly.
This coffee shop doesn’t have soy milk.
I can’t turn off the lights because my bed is too comfortable.
I don’t know whether to go out on Friday or Saturday.
Bad breath?
I have to take public transport.
Being under $10 for using EFTPOS.
My hot water just ran out because I spent an hour in the shower.
I woke up 2 minutes before my alarm went off and now there’s not enough time to fall back asleep.
No one else has a crisis to get drunk because they are ‘saving’ or ‘studying’
I need to text someone back but all of the traffic lights are green.
I am unable to make the decision of having a dog or a kid.
Do I drink breezers or cruisers?
It’s too hot to sleep under the covers, but too cold to sleep without them.
I can’t find my phone but I can’t call it because it’s on silent.
My phone doesn’t have constant reception.
There’s an hour left of class but I only have 30 minutes left of battery on my Macbook.
My friends won’t stick to the script of my life.
People question my fake tan in winter.
I want to keep eating but I’m already full.
Not enough people read my blog.
~ The Backlog
http://www.thebacklog.com.au/life/ive-got-99-white-girl-problems-but-a-boy-aint-one/#
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