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fwoopersongs · 1 year

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青玉案·元夕- Green Jadeite Platter · Fifteenth Day of New Year

by 辛弃疾 (Xin Qiji, 1140 to 1207)

东风夜放花千树， dōngfēng yè fàng huā qiān shù, In the East wind, night sets blossoms on a thousand trees,

更吹落、星如雨。 gèng chuī luò, xīng rú yǔ and blown down, stars fall like rain.

宝马雕车香满路。 bǎo mǎ diāo chē xiāng mǎn lù Fine horses, exquisite carriages, fragrance suffuses the road in their wake.

凤箫声动，玉壶光转， fèng xiāo shēng dòng, yù hú guāng zhuǎn The phoenix-flute’s moving melody, the jade-pot’s arcing light;

一夜鱼龙舞。 yī yè yú lóng wǔ lanterns of fish and dragons dance through the night.

蛾儿雪柳黄金缕， É er xuě liǔ huáng jīn lǚ Little moths, snow willow and tassels of gold,

笑语盈盈暗香去。 xiàoyǔ yíng yíng àn xiāng qù. laughter, chatter, bright and clear, indistinct scents fading as they go.

众里寻他千百度， zhòng lǐ xún tā qiān bǎi dù, In the crowd, a hundred, a thousand times, I searched;

蓦然回首， mò rán huí shǒu, suddenly turning round -

那人却在，灯火阑珊处。 nà rén què zài, dēng huǒ lán shān chù but there - that person stands where the lights are dimming.

………………………………………………………………..

Notes

// First, a note: Super glad @liberty-or-death also feel in love with this poem (translated here) which has inspired so many others out there, be it songwriters, authors or poets with its romantic atmosphere <3 Open invitation to share your take on this one too! There are so many ways to interpret it.

Aaaaaaaand we’re at the last day of Chinese New Year! \o/

08-Feb-23 Edit: I spent so much time looking things up for ‘one last word’ that it is no longer the last day of new year LOL. OOPS. So typical... xD

This time with a poem also about this time of the year with some lovely and vivid descriptions of how it was celebrated. I actually translated it in 2021 for a poetry sharing group read, and shelved it afterwards because I wasn't quite into it enough to write the usual comments. This time, I found the energy, because GUESS WHAT? Xin Qiji and Lu You (dude from the last poem about the first day of spring and the new year, my fellow cat lover) knew each other!

I was racking my brains trying to remember why Xin Qiji was such a familiar name when I came across it on Lu You’s baidu page LOL.

It’s not relevant to the poem, but do allow me to sidetrack a little on this.

Xin Qiji and Lu You were contemporaries of what we now call Southern Song. Xin Qiji was the younger between them by fifteen years; Lu You lived from 1125 to 1210, while Xin Qiji was born in 1140 and passed in 1207.

Xin Qiji was born in a territory that had been overtaken by Jin, his grandfather was unable to follow the Song in its retreat - for family reasons - and ended up working in the Jin court. [There’s background that I’m not including in here because it was shocking to read it again. You can google Jiankang Incident if you're curious, but I wouldn’t recommend it!]

As his father died early, Xin Qiji was raised by his grandfather whose influence had him growing up to be a patriotic and upright man, eager to restore the central plains and avenge the suffering of his people and country.

At the age of twenty one, he joined the insurrection against the Jin. There, he proved himself a skilled leader, earning a place in the Song Court with military merits. With the Emperor’s interest in restoring lost land, Xin Qiji and those of the faction which supported war against the Jin were given what they wanted at last and even won a series of victories. Unfortunately this was stopped in its tracks by a defeat due to infighting amongst the leaders of that campaign.

After that, the faction which supported peace via appeasement gained the emperor’s favour and Xin Qiji’s alignment with the side for war meant his proposals to this end went ignored. However, the court was impressed by his capability and frequently promoted him. This did not satisfy Xin Qiji though, and his identity as a returner from the Jins was a barrier to further advancement in his career. Anyway, he was eventually fired for ‘extravagant spending and wanton killing and other crimes’ when his work in the areas he oversaw began to encroach on the interests of the nobles and the wealthy people there. By this time, at the age of 40, he had realised his forthright nature was not earning him any points in politics and had made preparations to go into seclusion. He settled in Shangrao, northeast of Jiangxi province.

Between 1188 and 1203, he returned to take on some positions, got censured again, had more adventures and enjoyed the retirement life some more (especially in 1196! we might touch on this time in the future).

In 1203, he was brought on board again into politics as one of the people who believed war was the path to take. At the age of sixty four, Xin Qiji was made governor of two prefectures, Shaoxing 绍兴府 and Zhedong 浙东, simultaneously. It was during this time that he met Lu You, who had retired to his hometown of Shanyin. (Shanyin 山阴 and Huiji 会稽 Counties fell under the governance of Shaoxing Prefecture).

Shaoxing Prefecture 绍兴府, underlined in red.

(Source)

Shanyin 山阴, underlined in red.

(Source)

And just something that makes me smile from google maps: A Shanyin 山阴 road in modern day Shaoxing 绍兴!

(Source)

And of course these two patriotic people would hit it off. Their acquaintance can be verified via Lu You’s poem 《草堂》 and his commentary. When Xin Qiji was summoned back to court in 1204 for an audience with the emperor, Lu You sent him off with a poem 《送辛幼安殿撰造朝》that was full of praise and encouragement.

Xin Qiji was made governor of Zhenjiang fu, a small official’s position elevated with the bestowment of a gold belt, but it was just behind the frontlines of the Jin-Song fighting at Yangzhou. That’s probably the closest he ever got to the action (and he knew it too).

Background

Unlike the one with Lu You where he so conveniently stated the year for us, it’s not possible to tell when Xin Qiji wrote this poem. Only that it describes a 元夕 (yuán xī), as they call fifteenth day of the first month. The name of lantern festival lit. 灯节 (dēng jié) only became popular from Qing Dynasty onwards.

But no matter the exact time this was written, I think it’s interesting to keep Xin Qiji’s life and his character in mind as we read his work!

Format and Title

This is a Song Dynasty lyric to the tune of 《青玉案》, or Green Jadeite Platter, with the 元夕 there telling us the time of year.

Poem

Sight

I’m reading the first line as 东风 / 夜放 / 花千树 [the East Wind blows] [in the night, placed] [flowers in a thousand trees] where 放 (fàng) is interpreted as ‘set (down)’ or ‘placed’ rather than ‘blossoms’. Reading as the latter, you can also understand it as ‘the wind from the East blows, and in the night a thousand trees blossom’. It’s not literally the East wind or the night that causes actual flowers to blossom. The East wind serves as a time marker and setting; in Spring which the new year begins in during Xin Qiji’s time, the wind from the east is relatively warm and melts the frost of Winter. As a traditional part of the Lantern Festival, Lanterns are hung in the trees. That’s why you can see them ‘blooming’ in the night. There, they are like glowing flowers. It may not even be trees! Maybe there are so many of them hanging that it feels like a forest. This is a visual description, all the more vivid for its metaphors.

The next line 星如雨, could be drizzling raindrops refracting light or sparks of fireworks from the sky. Fireworks were fully developed in the Song Dynasty, and there are even records of them being used in the time of Emperor Huizong of Song (1110) and Emperor Xiaozong of Song (1183), so either reading makes sense!

Smell

Why is there 香满路 fragrance permeating the street? Because carriages were perfumed with incense - not just carriages of course, but also the people sitting in them because the incense culture was just such a part of everyday life. They used these devices called Scent Balls 香球 to scent their clothing, their carriage or even a room. Only nobles or the wealthy could afford to use these at the time.

(Source)

Sound

The ‘phoenix flute’ 凤箫, referred to the panpipe, and was a prettier name for it - like comparing its melody to the trill of a phoenix. This is not necessarily saying that there is only the music from panpipes there that night, but could also be a fancy way of saying good music!

The phoenix flute 凤箫 panpipe (though that’s a dragon xD).

(source)

Jade-pot (玉壶), could be referring to the moon for obvious reasons…

(Source)

It could also be another lantern!

And so I read 光转 as the movement of its light over people and things. It it’s the moon, maybe even the passage of time throughout the night… which then leads me to the last sentence of this half of the lyric.

(Source)

Imagery & Time

It’s a very festive image. You can almost see the parade of the dragon and its fish under the light of the lanterns, and the crowd following along to see! This is a traditional part of Chinese New Year even now and I am delighted to know it was that way in the past as well.

Sights, Sounds, Smells

Now for the little moths, snow willow and tassels of gold. These are all seasonal accessories. To be exact, they refer to women’s hairpins. Where can these possibly be on the night of a New Year’s afterparty? On ladies’ heads of course!

This is a very cool post on clothing and traditions in the Lantern Festival. The title specifies the scope to be Ming and Qing, but there also also mentions of things that stretch further back. For example, ladies wearing 闹蛾 (playful moth) which is in the poem, is mentioned near the bottom of the post.

Here is a snip from 《簪花仕女图》Court Ladies Adorning Their Hair with Flowers, supposedly by Zhou Fang of Tang Dynasty.

(source)

Laughter 笑 (xiào) and conversation 语 (yǔ) are heard. The word 盈盈 (yíng yíng) or clear/beautiful describes these voices, and the faint, indistinct fragrance (as mentioned before, wearing scent balls was a popular practice, like perfume these days) that came with them gradually fade as they walk further away.

Space is limited in lyric and poetry, so a poet must be very sharp and apt in his choice of words, and wow has he done a good job! The first part of this lyric painted the backdrop of a festive night filled with luxury and beautiful things. Though metaphors, dare I say, to the point of exaggeration have made this picture vibrant and charming. What a lovely place to be!

The third sentence 蛾儿雪柳黄金缕 |Little moths, snow willow and tassels of gold, 笑语盈盈暗香去 | laughter, chatter, bright and clear, indistinct scents fading as they go. brings all the senses together, while drawing attention to ‘people’. The previous descriptions were all very indirect; lanterns they’ve put up, fireworks set off and observed, vehicles, music created under the light of the moon or lamps, and the dances. This feels like a zoom-in and building up of the already established lively atmosphere, the chattering young lady/ladies walking past brings a touch of life.

But just as quickly as they entered, they fade into the distance. And here is where there is a sudden change in tone. If this were a song, I’d call it the beat drop. We thought he’d been admiring and enjoying the night. Perhaps he is… but there was another important purpose to all this keen observation - a search for that one person in the crowd. Doesn’t this revelation cause an interesting shift in your perception of all that came before this? It did for me!

He’s looked and looked and looked to no avail. And maybe his sixth sense tingled, maybe it was happy coincidence, but after so much seeking, it turns out this person wasn’t with the crowd and the lanterns. They’d been behind him all along, and unlike the rest - standing where the lights were dim, in a quiet (perhaps run-down) corner.

Since the ‘beat drop’, there has been a relaxation of the pace. The poet lifted his foot from the accelerator for sensory input and extravagant descriptions, so it feels like I’m inhabiting this little moment, this island of peace, relief and touched delight. That feeling of simplicity and that someone I’d been longing to see without much hope, is There, reciprocates and had (maybe) been waiting for me too.

It was a beautiful night, but now it is a beautiful night.

………………………………………………………………..

I have such fondness for a passionate and sharply competent Xin Qiji with soft feelings for this world. His enjoyment of joyous celebration - and hey it may be a little opulent xD but these are his people and them being able to make music and dance through the night is something worth fighting for.

#青玉案·元夕 #辛弃疾 #this is a suuuuper beautiful poem #it's also super different from his usual style #or so i hear #commentary

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bombyxluna · 4 years

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i just- i just wanna go in a museum date with satan y'know. take him to the louvre or Moma and talk with he about art and philosophy and literature and love. talk to him abt my favorite pieces and hear what he like the most. take him to a coffee shop and write a silly poem about him in a napkin and hand it to him and see what pretty shade of pink will color his cheeks. and then lean above the table and kiss his lips softly and i could taste the coffee he ordered. "tasty" i would whisper. im soft

omg this is so so soft

i’d probably do the cliche “you’re the most beautiful art” just to see him get flustered and hold his hand all the time and just hush openly about him aaaaa i feel like he isn’t supper used to pda so he’d be suuuuper blushy i need this

omg power move, tell him you wanna taste his coffee to know if you should order the same thing and just kiss him on the lips aaaaa

#soft dates with satan are my true religion #anon

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twohauntedhouses · 4 years

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the rules: answer 17 questions & tag 17 people you want to know better

I was tagged by @fionaappletini ! thank you so much Chloe 💖🐛

nickname: some people call me Lil (which i used to hate as a kid but now i dont mind as much) and some ppl will call me by my full name which is Lillian.

zodiac sign: leo sun gemini moon libra rising

height: 5'2" 😳

hogwarts house: ravenclaw

last thing i googled: describe by perfume genuis bc i love u mister genuis but i can never understand a word youre saying and i wanted to know the lyrics

song stuck in my head: the last one i remember is beautiful faces by declan mckenna

followers and following: 299 and 735

amount of sleep i get: not enough! im so shitty at going to bed on time, usually between 6 and 7hrs on school nights and 8 on weekends.

lucky number(s): i dont think i have any tbh.

dream job: screenwriter! (but im actually gonna be an english teacher)

wearing: jeans and a button down with flowers stitched on the collar and a long green sweater and my old lace up dyke boots

favorite songs: ever? uh narrowing this down is suuuuper hard for me but bennie and the jets by elton john, headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet by fall out boy, running up that hill by kate bush, anything mitski has ever written (my body's made of crushed little stars, goodbye by danish sweetheart, a burning hill, geyser, strawberry blonde, class of 2013), the cave by mumford and sons, zhuangwho by carl hauck, all too well by taylor swift, the chain by fleetwood mac, stay down by boygenuis, daemon irrepit callidus, linus and lucy by vince guaraldi, silver dagger by joan baez. there are many more.

instruments: ive sung in various music groups and choirs for the past eight years! i also played clarinet for five years and sometimes i play chords on the piano to sing to.

random facts: ive kept a journal ever since i was 8 (i am now on my 7th journal). ive won a few regional awards for my writing and i had a script move on to be reviewed at the national level of a competition and i have a poem published in an anthology! my favorite drink is green tea with honey. my friends and i are starting a dnd podcast called Fools Errant! i really like astrology and i like to read tarot.

aesthetic: here is the tag for stuff that reminds me of myself on my aesthetic blog. so that i suppose! lots of flowers, red and green and gold, lesbian english professor.

im literally just going to tag the people im playing dnd with @greylunar @impulse-poetry @peachbruiseboy @harleenapolla @notantsnotart and anyone else who would like to!

#sorry this is long also u do not gotta do this if you don't want to #also sorry this is so late chloe ty for tagging me tho fr!#lily lore

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grocery--stories · 5 years

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The Dangers of Talking to a Writer

I love baby carrots dipped in hummus as a snack. It’s crunchy, its savory, it’s delicious, and it’s even borderline healthy. I have a lovely, large tub of hummus in my fridge, but no carrots, so a run to the grocery store became urgent.

I bought a lot of carrots. LOTS. Two large bags of the baby peeled kind. I go through them rapidly and they last for a good long time, so it only makes sense to stock up. I bought more hummus, too, just in case I’d thrown my carrot-to-hummus ratio off.

I get into a blessedly short checkout line. The store was packed, as it always is on a beautiful Saturday morning, and I thought I would be able to get in and out in record time.

It was not to be.

The very young woman cashier was obviously very new. She didn’t know the codes for things. She had to call someone three times for instructions as she checked out the people in front of me. She dropped their rolls, which spilled out onto the conveyor belt. She generally had an unpracticed air about her, but she had a nice smile and a great attitude.

While I’m waiting for the people in front of me to finish, I hear a woman behind me talking about carrots. I don’t really listen, but she seems to be talking about carrots they have at home that they can cut up for...something. I don’t know, I’m too fascinated by the small baguette rolling towards my fruit salad.

When it is finally my turn, the very young cashier gives me an anxious smile. “It’s my second day,” she tells me.

I am very patient with people who are in the process of learning things. I think being a professor has trained me to get suuuuper protective and nurturing of such people. So I instantly say, “You’re doing a GREAT job! Don’t worry, you’ll have those codes memorized in no time!” and other various pep-talky things. She instantly brightens up and manages my groceries like a pro.

The woman behind me suddenly says, “Someone in your house really likes carrots!” I turn and smile at the very tiny Alaska Native woman standing behind me. “It’s me,” I admit. “I love carrots.”

“When I saw yours I was thinking of getting some, but then I remembered I have carrots at home and can just cut them up into sticks,” she laughs. I tell her she should get some hummus to dip them in. Delicious.

“Carrots are so interesting now,” she says. “Have you seen that they even have white ones?”

Me: *internally* Don’t do it.

Also me: *internally* I’m gonna do it.

Me: *out loud* “Actually all carrots used to be white, yellow, purple, or red. They didn’t become orange until the seventeenth century.”

Woman: *jaw drops* “REALLY?? Omg I had no idea! How did you know that?”

Me: *cringing on the inside* “I...well, I wrote a book.”

Woman: “About carrots??”

Me: *oh god* “Um, no. No about...well, about a poem, actually.”

Woman: *looking very confused* “A...a poem about carrots?”

Me: *thinking I should wear a muzzle when I leave the house* “No, no. But my characters eat carrots.”

Woman: “What?”

Me: “They live in 994″

Woman: *clearly thinking I’m mad* “Is that an address?”

Me: “Oh look, I’m all done. It was nice talking to you! Bye!

So now I’m munching on carrots and hummus and feeling vaguely put out that they are not white, purple, or red.

#grocery story #carrots #writers #awkward

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aestas-wishes · 6 years

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Admirer!Jimin

so jimin he is suuuuper shy like o my fish

when you’re walking together you barely brush his hand

PHWOOM

the boy is blushing red soooo badly

but he tries to play it off

because he wants to seem cool

“pff is it hot in here? oh no, it’s just me hahahaha (kill me im dying)”

and you, dear reader, always ALWAYS ALLWAAAAYSSSS had a crush on jimin

like who doesn’t but you had it baaaad.

AND HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU

HE HAS IT BAD TOO!

BUT YOU NEVER TELL EACH OTHER YOUR FEELINGS AND ITS SO FRUSTRATING FOR YOUR FRIENDS

aaaaaaagh

but like jimin is just doodling stick figures of you two together and scratching down ideas for the perfect date

like this boy is dreaming up the best ideas on how to be the BEST BOYFRIEND EVER

and he loves how smart and kind you are to your neighboring students

like one time you gave your precious cat-shaped eraser to a friend when she lost her eraser

he almost audibly gasped because you LOVE that eraser

he is just head over heels for you

and when you see him pick up other girls books for them you’re so proud because

aw yeaaaaah

that’s my crush yeaaaaah

but then you’re like:

wait no don’t be nice to them only be nice to me tooooo!

its hard sometimes

BUT

ONE DAY

there is a seating change because TAEHYUNG AND JUNGKOOK WILL YOU STOP PASSING NOTES GOODNESS GRACIOUS

and dun dun dun!

you are seated next to Jimin

in your head your singing the Hallelujah Chorus and tossing confetti around

like this is the best day of your life

Jimin is giving himself high fives and finger guns like you’re both stoked

but on the outside your both p chill

like gotta play it cool in front of the crush m’dudes

And the teacher snaps for your attention

“Okay since you may not know who you’re sitting next to, because I know you all only talk to the same three people”

chokes cause its true

“So you have a project due in five days with your new neighbor. Have fun.”

you both just smile at each other all blushing and stuff

the teacher hands out the project assignment and you both look at it

and then at each other

at that moment jimin knew …. he didn’t introduce himself

like omg what if the love of his life doesn’t know his name GASP

so he goes to introduce himself when

“so jimin, we can work on this project at my house?” you ask

and know

it is jimins turn to sing the hallelujah chorus

like o o o o o oo ooooooo o my GAWSH she knows my NAAAAAME

HALLELUJAH

but he responds with “y-yeah i’ll ask”

his heart is beating at one hundred meters per second WHOO

he smiles at you AND JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL

he is so handsome and cute and yes

its perfect

“so i can do this part of the project, the research and stuff, and then together we can make the presentation,” you explain softly

“that makes sense, you are crazy smart,” jimin chuckles and you are mellllltttttiiiiiiing

so you spend the rest of the period getting to know jimin and how much a softy and kind he really is

so after school

you’re expecting him at your house

to work on your project

and you’re almost probably definitely freaking out

you are dressed up, but like casually

gotta keep it chill

chill dude

yeah

the doorbell rings and you JUMP EIGHT FOOT VERTICAL LEAP

open the door it is jimin

looking fine like he does

and he hears a few yips and he bursts in and goes

“wheres the puppy”

like thanks jimin you got rejected over a puppy kbai

the puppy runs around the corner and jimin immediately picks it up and starts petting it

you roll your eyes and tell jimin to put the cuteness down and start working on the project at your dining table

jimin puts it down but he’s thinking like you’re the cuteness

he really likes you, okay?

so you finally get to work, nonstop, you are getting things done it is AWESOME

do your homework kids

jimin finally convinces you to let him play with the puppy for a bit

he goes to the living room and starts playing

you shift some of your papers around and OH CRAP you knocked over jimin’s notebook

and oh whats this?

oH WHATS THIS???

a small tiny yet utterly heartmeltingly adorable poem for you?

beauty does not compare / intelligence does not define / the way you make me feel / steals my very air

O MY

and you know its for you because it has your name written over around it

youre just sitting there knowing that jimin likes you

what do you do now?

before you can do anything you hear jimin coming back

you quickly close the notebook and push it away

jimin comes back and looks at you and then at the notebook

he doesn’t know that you read it

you keep working on your project together

and then you finish and you go on your merry ways

the next day

the project is due

you turn it in andddd

you get

an A!

good job team!

you smile at each other and give each other high fives

then later in class

oh so subtly

you pass him a note saying “hey i know you like me. i kinda like you too. alot.”

jimin’s world stops

he is blushing SO HARD

he glances at you

and youre BLUSHING TOO

after class you meet outside the classroom

“so, i got your note…” jimin stammers

you nod slowly, unsure of what to do

“i um agree with it. i like you,” he smiles at you

your heart = melted

you quickly peck his lips

his heart = DESTROYED

he gently holds your hand and kisses your cheek

he cant help but chuckle

“how did you figure it out?” he asks

“I accidentally saw your notebook,” you confess

he just gets redder and redder

“oh”

“but it was super sweet! i loved it, because I like you,” you gently squeeze his hand

and for the first time of many many times, he draws you in a safe warm loving hug

#bts scenario #bts scenarios #jimin imagine #bts imagine #jimin imagines #bts imagines #bts jimin #jimin bts #park jimin #kpop imagines #kpop imagine #btsastroand17wishes #admirer!au #admirer!bts #member: jimin

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gayneral · 5 years

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All those flowers, my dude

First of all thank you for asking, this will be longAlso as this took me almsot two weeks already I took the liberty of leaving some queastions out so I wouldn’t take even longerSince this was answered over a longer time span some questions that are aimed at certain days may be slightly outdated (ed what are u wearing today and such)

Alisons: Sexuality?I’m gay my dudes

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?He/Him, male

Amaryllis: Birthday?My Birthday is in June

Anemone: Favorite flower?This is gonna sound lame as fuck but I rly like roses, red ones in particular

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?I can’t choose but here are some favorites:

Peaky Blinders, I’ve watched this one so often,,, Cillian Murphy was what got me into it and I stayed for beautiful scenes and atmosphere and the gang drama

Gotham, Let’s be honest, the best thing abt dc are their villains (also suuuuper into Robin Lord Taylor as Oswald)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Office, i like these because they are easy, nice and satisfy my need to have something running in the background while I’m at home. (Also insanely sweet in the case of BB9)

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?One I still remember strongly is from two boys kissing “you should all live to meet your future selves”

Also many of the poems by keaton st james deeply resonate with me so check those out (most are religious-ish just in case that’s a no no for you)

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?I gotta be boring and say water

I like hot chocolate and a special kind of peach tea and some soda I drank in brazil but water,, yeah I drink that most,, love hydration

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Nope

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?I am, right now, at this very moment

Baneberries: Favorite song?I can’t give you an all time favorite so here’s a random favorite I currently like listening to: Sedated by Hozier

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.My family is not very big and actually hasn’t been a family for a very long time. Namely it’s my dad, my sister, my grandparents, my dads wife, her son, our dog and I. I have never experienced family in my youth so sometimes when I’m with them it’s all very odd. And sometimes it’s stressful. But it’s the first time I actually miss family when I’m alone at home, far away. I speak about my father and my grandparents further below but my sister is very sweet and I’m pretty protective of her, she and I get along a lot better now than before which is a common trait as ull see later.

We often take care of things, and are probably the most planning of the family. My dad’s wife is very good to talk to, having a very different perspective from my own and will always offer up advice. Her son is currently in pirperty and more interested in playing fortnite than anything which makes for some explosiveness at home. Our dog is cute and perfect that’s it.

Begonia: Favorite color?I like blue tones, but a dark, rusy kind of red is cool too

Bellflower: Favorite animal?Dogs Dogs Dogs. By far my favorite animal, they fill my heart with joy. Next up, Giraffes, funny big boys

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?Morning I think, I definitely work best early.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?I actually never really had a dream job as a child. Not that I remember at least.

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?While I generally ain’t a big fan, like I’m someone very based on conversations so obviously that’s hard w kids. I am growing more to them. I’m far from wanting one but I think children are special in their.. Like innocence. They are beyond all the bitterness and hatred that we adults have. If only parents would be better lmao

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?I’m afraid of many things. Change for example. And failure. I think that might be because being perfect was important when I grew up and whatever I did it was never enough to my mother especially. Perhaps that has become so deep rooted that I tell myself I can not fail, which makes me very nervous and makes me worry too much.

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.I spend lots of time on building sites and in hardware stores because my grandparents have houses and my parents often would work there too.

Buttercup: Relationship Status?Single

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?God I don’t know, I think it’s probably when I’m with someone I care about and it’s easy and light and fun and I feel comfortable and they tell me that they like being around me, or that I made them happy with something.

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?Nope,wanted to have some but money and shit

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings? I have my ears pierced, but it’s the earlobes so the most basic thing

California Poppy: Height? I insist on 1,70 at least, I will not accept being under that.

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?In a way, yeah

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?My new boots, black pants, winter coat, black jacket, a blue button up and a lord of the rings shirt underneath. Obviously underwear

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?When I was a child for sure

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?A person from school, who’s also in fashion design, but a few years above me that I got to know bc of cosplay.

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?My Ex

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?God idk, I like oldish looking ones, elegant ‘n stuff

Columbine: Are you tired?Nah, actually not rn

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?Sam visiting me in March

Coneflower: Dream job?I’m not sure, definitely something w sewing but idk if I wanna go theater or my own things

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?Introvert

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?Yeh

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?Very very far

I’d say I’m pretty damn loyal and also give myself up easily even without noticing. If someone has my love and my loyalty they have my everything basically. Would I commit a terrible crime? I don’t know. Would I be real mean to someone or punch them? Yeah, if it’s reasonable w the situation I would (would it be affective? Not sure)

Give myself up? If we’re thinking real dramatic..maybe yeah

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?Gemini

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?Funny or stupid things? MaybeOtherwise honourable stuff, i don’t think so, i don’t view my actions like that.

I mean I survived, that’s pretty cool

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?Above mentioned survival. Which includes making it out of my mother and her boyfriends abusive grip and household. Moving away. Being true to myself. Dragging myself out of the hole I had fallen in for a while. Getting close w my dad and family. Believing more in myself and stopping things that are not good for me. Getting an apprenticeship that I like. Moving forward in life

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?If it’d be my dad I’d sit down with him and ask him why exactly. I have had a relationship before in which I did not see how badly I was treated/ that I basically searched someone like my mother. So I’d listen, perhaps to prevent from making the same mistake again. If it turns out it’s nothing reasonable I think I’d tell him that I will pursue the relationship anyway and ask him to respect that and be as nice as possible to my partner.

If it’d be my mother.. No surprise she doesn’t even like me and honestly I wouldn’t give a shit.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?Did I say it? Not sure but written it in a letter, it was Sam

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?If my grades speak for themselves it’d be my apprenticeship, or like idk working hard about something I enjoy. I take this very seriously and give it everything I can. I’ve been told I’m good at talking, not sure if that’s true

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?I’m envious. It’s not that far that I am not happy for people, I think i generally have it under control but sometimes it gets the best of me and fills my stomach with nasty emotions.

Also saying stop. I do a lot for people, and I’ve been prone to letting people use and step on me for too long xnot standing up for myself

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?The past month was actually absolutely terrible so not much to find here.Uhm..the bad thing that happened got our family closerI spend Christmas and new years w my familyI got amazing gifts and letters from my friends

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?Stressful. I worked on my semester project and I feel like hardly anything worked

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?I’m moving towards a happy place. But I’m definitely doing a lot better already

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?Finish my apprenticeship, surgery, be able to make my own money so I don’t have to rely on my dad so much (he does enough for me already) and so I can get more distance between my mother and I

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?In no particular order

1. Dogs, god whenever I see a dog I’m happy because they are so cute and loyal,,,,,,,

2. probably everyone and their dog says this but my friends, honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without them. They helped me through terrible times in my life, are a constant source of love and joy to me.

3. my family. Since I didn’t have that for a long time I cherish it even more now that I do. It’s amazing to have a family that supports you behind you. I’m super grateful for everything they’ve done for me

4. the possibility to do the apprenticeship that I want to. it’s not always easy,,,I lack the money lmao but I’m so grateful that I can do this, because it makes me feel like I’m actually worth something in the working,adult world. I’m good at this

5. music. I listen to it so often, I can’t imagine not having music

6. sunshine, there’s something wonderful about going outside and feeling the warmth of the sun on your face, when it’s spring and winter has just gone by and you just have to smile because everything is bright and you’re surrounded by light

7. myself. Listen I dislike myself as much as the next guy but I’m working on appreciating myself and I am insanely proud of myself for coming as far as I have come. I don’t let myself feel it very often but having myself, it’s a good thing. I know my younger self would be very happy knowing that I did all those things for us.

8. something that makes me happy is creating, might it be art, or sewing or writing, anything really. It’s a pain in the ass and frustrating at times but I love looking at something knowing I did this, finishing it. And then looking back at it later and seeing how far I’ve come again

9. playing video games. It’s just fun to lose yourself in a story sometimes.

10. Christmas Markets. I don’t like Christmas itself. But I love the Markets, it’s the atmosphere of it. The food smells amazing and there are all those lights and there are kids with actual shining eyes because they see Christmas so magical and they are in awe by all the lights and honestly I feel the same awe sometimes when I’m on those Markets

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? Hardly anything lmao. Listening to music. Distracting myself with either talking to someone or playing/watching something. Tho that often makes me feel guilty on the long run. What helps if stress is overwhelming me is writing down what it is that is stressing, like making a list and trying to untangle the mess, looking at what I have to do one by one

Hellebore: How do you show affection?Since I’m A big fan of honesty I usually just say it. I like to tell people when I get some emotion. Like just telling them that I appreciate them. I think it’s nice to just be told that sometimes. Besides that I do things, like I’ll send anon messages or offer help just assisting somehow. Like not always outright having them know it’s me,like affection from afar. And well I’m helpful when I care abt someone especially, like “I can do this for you”

And being super openIt’s not alway clever as experience has shown but to me offering up things about myself means trust means affection in a way. Like giving a part of myself to someone. lmao

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?Making it to this point, I wasn’t in a very good state just a bit ago. But with the help of my friends and family I made it out of it. I have an apprenticeship I enjoy, I have my own flat, I have something to stand up for again. I can appreciate myself some more. I was able to see toxic relationships i was in and get away from them and not let myself be guilted but seeing them for what they are and acknowledging that while I am not a saint it doesn’t mean that I have to accept any treatment. I stood up to my mother, even if just a bit that was a huge step for me.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?I barely had any of it recently so I can very much put what I want to do. Which would be drawing. I haven’t done that properly in so long and I miss it. Like both sketching stuff on paper but mostly full pictures, sketching, lining and colouring somethin. Having a full art piece at the end. Also Play Games. And talk to my friends. Haven’t had a nice hour long convo with Nina or Charlotte or Sam in ages and I hate that.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?That’d be Charlotte and Nina

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?I would hide away in my room and imagine. Invent stories, characters, anything to distract me from how unhappy I was. I would act them out in my head when I laid in bed so I could sleep.

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?I did not treat someone that I care about very well a few years ago, I didn’t give them the honesty they deserve. I was an asshole. Even if we spoke about it, I still feel very bad about it.

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?Indulging. When I have things to do but take a break I always feel super guilty for not doing anything.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?It seems it comes from the Roman name Julianus, and was the name of a pangan Roman Emperor as well as a name of saints. Sometimes meaning youthful which fits because I look like a baby

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.I grew up in a big city in Germany. Very busy City with high buildings and no time. I lived in a flat when I was very young, a room with big windows where I’d sit and look out ot. Then we moved into the house my dad still lives in. Where houses were built in rows and more people knew each other, I’d walk home and pretend to not see them as to not have to speak to them.

Then I moved in a beautiful flat in a more busy part of the city, with a bookstore in the same building and a supermarket right down the street. My hometown is best described in the colour grey. I dont think it very pretty if I’m honest.Still its full of memories and not half as bad

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?Talking about the one in the house. Light peach coloured walls. Small but with big windows to look out of. An old wooden bed in front of one Window, and even older Closet next to the door, already so old that it had been ancient when my dad had been young. A desk in one corner at the other side of the room, above it shelves filled with books, little trinkets on the windowsills. Cabinets filled with paper full of secrets. Posters on the Walls and a round mirror that I hated looking into when I was young.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years? God no. I have repressed most of my younger years. My teenage years were filled with confusion and self doubt. I was a mess, I hated myself, not knowing who I was. And then knowing but being shamed for it, hiding away and keeping my head low to survive. Pushing myself to the limits and clinging to the thought that I could escape at age 18

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.My Mother and I are not on good terms. I’ve spend countless of years desperately attempting to please her, hoping for love or anything close to it. I was constantly let down by her. My mother is someone that I fear I’ll never understand, adapting to the men that she is with. Claiming to have reached compassion and selflessness while being the opposite. Acts childish and has never accepted or supported me. Now attempts to lure in my sister whom I fear for as she’s always wanted my mother to love her. I have estranged from her very much and currently I am happy seeing her as less as possible.

Onions: Tell about your dad. I remember my father as a very autocratic person in my youth. He’d always work and would only be home to cast judgement. We did not get along well, and my mother, like grima wormtongue, had influenced me further into seeing him as a terrible person. Now I see him very differently. In fact I am similar to my father. Hard working, well spoken and crafty. We share a similar humor and I am very thankful for his support over the last year. To me my father is a very good example of how sometimes people can actually change, sometimes second chances will not disappoint you. My father cares very much about our family and I am happy to have gotten close to him again.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.I won’t lose many words about my mother’s parents as there isn’t much to say about them.My mothers father was always sick, more often because he believed he was. The years before he died it had only gotten worse. My Grandmother was never really happy in that relationship, something I believe she handed down to my mother.

My fathers parentsWell, when I was young it was difficult, they aren’t exactly children people, despite trying. I especially had my difficulties with my grandmother, who was work above everything and wanted everything to be perfect.I remember her always fixing my clothing. Countless of instances of her and my dad arguing.

When I got older we had barely any contract until I had my coming out to my dad, who told my grandparents. Much to my surprise and I still respect that so much, they were immediately supportive and accepting, perhaps even more than anyone else from my family.

In the last year we grew closer. They helped me with my flat and would come over to set up a few things. I took them to a restaurant that my grandfather would always talk about whenever we talked, happily.

My grandmother and I had phone calls at least once a week, she was also the most interested in my apprenticeship, always curious, sending me old magazines and ideas she had. As well as button ups and shirts she had bought for me or old ones from my grandfather.She offered me support when we talked, told me they’d do anything they could

When my sister and I were getting clothing for my grandpa, as he was saying with us, I found a book on my grandmother’s bedside table.It was an educational oneIn it was also an article she had cut out of a newspaper, the title saying how the support of the family is the most important thing to lgbt children.

I miss my grandmother

Peony: What was your first job?I worked a summer at my mothers workplace. Cleaning watches and watch straps, replacing small things on the straps

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?We met 2014 on a cosplay convention in the city I grew up in. We met on the first day of that, where we all hung out in a group and then he and Charlotte spend the next day w us as well.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?I bottle it up, focus on something that keeps me busy. Sometimes other people’s pain or doing things for them. Distraction from thoughts really. I’m best when I’m busy

Pink: Where is home?If you’d asked me a couple of months ago my answer would’ve been easy and quick. But now phew, I mean I call my place home as in “I’m going home” and I call my dads place home as in “I was home over the holidays”

But I’m not sure, not really

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?I could go endlessly both about important historical events and tragedies as well as personal mishaps and bad choices. But eventually I actually think this is too big of a question to answer like this. I’m generally better in speech than word when it comes to things like that

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.Steady. As in a job that I like, that provides me with enough money to survive well. Not to worry about everything. Having Dogs, as that I something I always wanted. Living somewhere in the city (always dreamed of a Fachwerk House but yeah…), with the possibility to visit my friends that I am in good contact in. Living with love and happiness. With a connection to my family still as good as now. Perhaps with someone,,,

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?I love the sound of paper, like books, pages turning, things like that. Also soft rain

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?I’m a Class A represser. So it’d probably be many things centered abt my mother.

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want? I want my semester presentation to go well tomorrow. That’s all I care abt rn

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? It used to be harder in the past but I’ve gotten slightly better at it. I’m still struggling with feeling but it’s a work in progress.

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?My Friends and Family, cheesy I know but over the last year I’ve become more set in that. Once more I noticed how much strength those can give you. And also noticed how important they are to me by the way things that happen hurt me

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?7 hours, couldn’t fall asleep at first but that’s usually my minimum of sleep

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?School. I have a timed, strict schedule thanks to that and it forces me to get up until a certain time in the morning. That helps a lot actually

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?I’m still in an apprenticeship but I enjoy it a lot

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?I have a new pair of shoes that are so beautiful I wish I had the look and body and style to wear them day to day. Also got some cool button ups

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.Look at this and you’ll see first hand https://www.pinterest.de/Gayneral/

I’m sorry I’m bad at desctibing my aesthetic. It’s like, historical stuff, museums, snowey Fachwerk, religious themed things, bee themed things, watches…

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?My semester project is due to two and a half weeks and I’m super nervous about finishing it like boooooy

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?Sadly I’ve been super busy recently so I’ve only been able to read a tiny bit in my holidays, Acht Nacht by Sebastian Fitzek

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?Still in school, doing good, and enjoying it

Still having a good relationship w my father, my sister and that whole family

Still good with my friends, hopefully seeing them more often

(maybe in a relationship pls don’t @ me)

Generally happy, not having to worry too much

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?Thanks to tumblr I do, and I hate it

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.I take my school very seriously. And I have zero tolerance for those in our school that don’t.

#you wanted to know #ninjago #answered ask #ask game #ask meme #pers: negative #redbluemaiden #long post

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