#very niche and doubt it's relatable lol

[ghost-proofbaby]

if it were anyone else (e.m.)

warnings: strong allusions to depression, disordered eating/rough relationship with food, mentions of smoking, description of a sort of panic attack. very sad. hurt/comfort? not edited.

wc: 1.6k+

a/n: this is literally entirely self indulgent and written entirely after i sat and cried and thought "i wish i had eddie here right now to hold me". maybe in like thirty minutes tops. this is for me and only me. go figure lol. sorry. yeah. anyways.

if you relate, my askbox is always open, and i'm very sorry you've felt this way as well. i hope you all take care of yourselves. drink some water, call a friend. be kind to yourself.

“I’m worried about you.” 

Four words that always manage to strike a certain type of fear in your gut. You don’t know how to react as he says it, how he wants you to react. You can only stare blankly, you can only wish harder for the earth to swallow you whole.

“What do you mean?” you laugh nervously, following it with a hard swallow.

You’re playing dumb. You know it, he knows it. The tremor in your bones and your numb appendages know it, too. 

“You’re…” Eddie stalls, licking his lips, letting his eyes rake over you, “You’re getting bad again.” 

You’re quick to shake your head, forcing another hollow chuckle from your chest, “It’s not that bad. I’m fin-”

“You’re not fine.”

The look in his eyes could crack your spine if you stare too long. Wet eyes, a trembling bottom lip, worry lines etched into his forehead that you realize might be caused by you.

You’re causing him worry. The last thing you want to do, you’ve accomplished. You’re on a fast-track to becoming a burden – the first step is always acceptance. 

You’re still unsure of how he wants – no, needs you to react right now. This conversation is a landmine for both of you, and you hold every breath with every step as you try to navigate it. If you make one wrong step, it could cause an explosion that spares no survivors.

You don’t mind if it tears you apart limb by limb. You do mind if it hurts him. 

“How… How do you know that?” 

It’s not a sarcastic snipping or defensive deterrence. It’s an unfiltered response of genuineness – you want to know the signs, you want to know what has exposed the rot this time.

And then, maybe next time, you’ll be able to better shield it from him with this knowledge. 

“How could I not?” he takes a deep breath in through his nose, and you focus on the flare of his nostrils rather than any of the tears beginning to gather at his waterlines, “It’s been happening for a while now, though, hasn’t it?” 

Your throat is a cage, tight and restrictive and ringing with a bitter metallic taste in its tenseness. You can’t respond with words. You can only nod. 

He chooses to answer your question more properly now that you’ve admitted it, “You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground. Picking up distractions like they’re going out of style.”

“Hey, they might be. We never know-” you cut yourself off when your eyes meet his. Now’s not the time for jokes, “Sorry. I… I know. I’m sorry.” 

He’s right. Fuck, he’s right. 

“I want to ask you something, and I need you to answer me honestly,” his own steps across these landmines are just as delicate, just as feathery light, as your own. You hear it in his tone, see it in his body language. You wish your body could sink into the mattress you’re sitting on the edge of as he crouches in front of you, warm palms connecting with your knees. Grounding you. Tethering you. Holding you back from that sinking you crave. “Are you… Sweetheart, are you okay?”

If anybody else had built up to such a stupid question, you would have laughed in their face. You would have shoved those warm palms right off of your skin and you would have thrown up those ice cold hands of your own, shouted obviously not. 

Obviously not. I’m not okay. I’m so far from okay, it’s a bit comical. I am drowning. I am treading in freezing cold waters and I am barely capable of keeping my head above the waves. My engine is fucked, my tank is empty. I don’t think I’d even know how to be ‘okay’ again if you did manage to pull this mangled body of mine from these depths and sat me down on safe, solid ground again. 

You can’t say any of this, though. Not because you don’t trust him, not because he would judge you. But because the moment he asks the question that should make you scoff, you let out a sob instead. Something like a muffled, broken wail that tears from deep within you. It had already been ready and poised, laying in wait for a perfect moment like this one to escape. 

His eyes aren’t the only glossy ones anymore. 

“I-” you start, breathing already stuttering and chest already constricting, “I- I-”

“Hey,” he palms smooth up your thighs, carrying their warmth with them, as if he were trying to spread it across you. As if he had heard your thoughts. As if he already knew all about those dark, treacherous, freezing waters you were stranded in. All you can do is spew out another cry, strangled as you tried to swallow it down before it entered the atmosphere between you two, “Hey.” 

You only notice the tears when you crumple forward and he meets you halfway. Those warm palms, those hands so capable of safety and promise, cup your cheeks and his thumbs make quick work of swiping away the salty streams. 

“Hey, baby, breathe for me,” his voice is tragically gentle, “Just one deep breath, okay?” 

To demonstrate, you watch his chest expand dramatically, his hands forcing you to keep your eyes on him. 

You can’t see through the bleariness. 

“C’mon, sweetness,” he encourages again, “One breath. Just one.” 

If it were anyone else, you’d turn into a fit of rage at the coddling. You’d break everything in sight. You’d scream until your already burning lungs finally collapsed as they’d been yearning to for so long. 

But it’s him. It’s just him, it’s just Eddie. 

His chest rises dramatically again, and this time, yours does as well, albeit through stifling hiccups. You’re dizzy from the lack of oxygen and the flood of emotion that was wrecking you. 

“There you go!” his voice rises ever so slightly, and when you flinch a bit at the sudden volume, he retracts, “Sorry, sorry. But that’s it, sweetheart. Another one, okay?” 

Another breath. Another sob. Another wave of all the pain you’ve been battling off. 

You’re cold all the time again. You’re always sleeping too much or too little. You’re smoking again, running yourself into the ground.

He was right and it fucking killed you. None of those are things you could ever shield him from. You didn’t have the heart to pull away those numb and icey fingertips every time he’d reach out for your hand, or try to cover the shivers that managed to rack your bones even in the middle of summer. The sleeping situation had been spiraling, a pendulum of sleepless nights that would end in a sleep so deep that you could have been mistaken for resting with the dead. Maybe the smoking you could have hid, especially when you’d been so boastful about quitting. 

You weren’t running yourself into the ground. You had already collapsed into the dirt, you had already joined the worms. You’d buried yourself alive, six feet under, and nothing could have stopped him from sniffing out that scent of decay on you. 

The death of a soul and mind. The death of the thing that had propelled you forward for so long. No amount of sweet perfume, or hour long scalding showers, or minty gum to occupy your mind rather than a proper meal, can erase that stench. 

You never could have shielded him. He always saw right through you. Always had, always would. 

“I’m sorry,” you end up crying out. 

You don’t know what you’re apologizing for, but you echo the words again. Over and over, on repeat, until he’s rising from the ground. Until he’s sat beside you. Until his arms are suddenly encasing you and you’re awarded a warmth you didn’t feel deserving of. 

He doesn’t smell like the decay you’d surrounded yourself with. He smells like slow waking in the morning, dreary and calm and at a reasonable time. He smells like warm baths that only relax your bones, and don’t have to blister your skin in the process. He smells like three meals a day, all comforting and all effortless and that never linger with a sense of regret.

He’s not decay, never even treading close to death. He’s home. He’s the promise that you could be okay. Even if it isn’t right now. 

“Don’t apologize,” he murmurs into the crown of your head, squeezing you tighter into his chest, not even blinking an eye at the patch of wetness you leave behind from where your cheeks bury against him, “Never apologize. Ever. Not with me, sweetheart. Keep the sorries. I don’t need them.” 

If it were anyone else, the holding would have suffocated you. But it’s him. It’s Eddie.

You don’t fight him when he pulls you fully into his lap, situating the two of you comfortably on that mattress. 

You don’t know how long you let him cradle you like that. How much of that time is spent filled with your cries, or how many breaths he gently urges you to take with him. He never once has to verbally say what you already know; he never once promises aloud that it’ll be okay. He doesn’t put that pressure on you, not yet. Not today. Not when he knows the journey to okay is still such a long one. 

“I’ve got you,” he whispers to you instead, “I’ve got you, now, sweetheart.” 

If it were anyone else, you wouldn’t believe them. 

But it’s him. It’s Eddie. 

And he’s got you, for now and for as long as you need.

#my writing #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson comfort #idk what this is #i hope it flops because fuck is it personal ! #i wrote very quickly and did not edit it lol #like my own personal diary entry or therapy session #bleh #very niche and doubt it's relatable lol #but i'm unwell and what good am i if i can't make content #if nothing else #i can create #still good for something maybe i don't know #at least something not awful can come from this storm

[junggunz]

♡⸝⸝nsfw alphabet: vasco

cw: fem bodied reader + established relationship. an: for the anons! thanks for requesting this fine ass man but bro oh my god ??? writing about this cinnamon apple was so hard. i feel like i've sinned.

A - Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Vasco is super affectionate and caring toward you to the point where he might forget to clean you up because he’s just so excited for post sex cuddles. Only after you mention that you feel kinda sticky and gross will he stop clinging to you then help you get cleaned up. 

B - Body Part (their favorite body part on themselves and their favorite body part on their partner)

Vasco may be a very well built man but I don’t know if he’s gonna be able to pick out a particular thing he likes. He’s worked hard to get strong and I think he’s more proud of that than anything.

On his partner, Vasco is also going to have a hard time choosing a specific thing on your body he likes. He loves every inch of you.

C - Cum (anything related to 💦💦💦)

Vasco said it himself; he wants THREE daughters. He’s not pulling out. 

D - Dirty Secret 

This is such a deep secret, I don’t even think Vasco would realize it. Even though neither of them have much dating experience, Vasco would probably want Jace to make the occasional guest appearance in the bedroom. Jace is his right hand man; why not have him help out when he’s unsure of how to do things himself? 

E - Experience (how experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

None. We saw what he was like when on a date lol. I don’t even think he’d be the type to even watch porn until you bring up the topic of sex in your relationship. After that, that’s when he’d run around asking the other guys what to do. 

F - Favorite Position

Vasco probably likes the more vanilla positions since he’s not some god of sex yet. He definitely would like to be able to hold hands with you during sex though. 

G - Goofy (are they more serious or playful in the moment?)

You know how Vasco will say the most hilarious things but his face remains serious? Yeah… he’s pretty serious in the bedroom department because sex is a learning experience for him and he’s genuinely trying his hardest to navigate the wonders of pleasure.

H - Hair (how well groomed they are)

My first thought was that Vasco is totally unkept down there. But then at the bottom of chapter 179 there were those little extra bits and it mentioned that Vasco grows hair pretty fast. So with that information in mind, that means he has to maintain his facial hair to keep it at the length he likes…so yeah, I think he’s gonna manscape below the belt as well. It’s not extremely tidy but it’s not a jungle down there either. 

I - Intimacy (how romantic are they in the moment?)

Vasco is so sweet, I swear just thinking about how tenderly he touches you and how he pays careful attention to your reactions just gives me a cavity. He’s a big, strong dude and he’d hate to hurt you.

J - Jack Off (how frequently do they masturbate?)

I don’t think Vasco is so naive to the point he’s unaware of masturbation; but I still don’t think he’d do it often or even ever.

K - Kink

It takes a bit for Vasco to find out what his kinks are but once he realizes what he likes, he’s not gonna have any super niche kinks.

Dirty talk - I don't have a single doubt in his mind that he loves when you talk dirty to him. He may have a hard time reciprocating it during the earlier stages of your relationship, but hearing you speaking so erotically to him is gonna excite him.

Breeding kink - I already said it on letter C; the man already has kids on his mind. Literally just the idea of you carrying his child is gonna be what brings out the more animalistic side of him in the bedroom. 

Mutual masturbation - He’s a visual learner; he wants to see how you make yourself feel good before he tries it out on you. And of course, seeing you playing with yourself is gonna get him riled up.

L - Location (favorite places to do the deed)

Besides the bedroom, I think Vasco would be someone who prefers sex in a bathtub specifically. Like just imagine bath time with Vasco; there’s a bunch of bubbles, a few rubber duckies. It’s fun and cute.

M - Motivation (what turns them on and gets them going)

When around you, Vasco is probably pretty easy to turn on. He’s probably not gonna pick up on subtle cues or if you show a little cleavage; he’s just gonna see it as you being pretty and cute as usual. The best way to get him going is to be upfront and make it very clear that you want to have sex.

N - NO (what turns them off or something they’re strongly against)

Vasco is not into any of the pain, humiliation or degradation kinks. 

O - Oral (preference for giving or receiving, skill level)

Something just tells me that this man really, really likes eating you out. This is the one aspect in the bedroom that Vasco seems to have a natural talent for. Just his mouth is good, but once you tell him that he should add his fingers into the mix?? Oh my god. 

P - Pace

It always starts off slow but the more you moan, it encourages Vasco to go faster. 

Q - Quickie (opinions on them/how often)

Vasco probably wouldn’t turn you down if you asked; but he’s definitely not going to initiate one. I think he prefers not to be rushed during sex.

R - Risk (do they like to experiment or take risks?)

Vasco is definitely going to be experimental, eager to learn about all the different ways to approach sex. When it comes to risks, you might have to give him a little push.

S - Stamina (how long do they last? How many rounds would they like to go for?)

Honestly, if it wasn’t for how clumsy and awkward he was during your intimate moments, you wouldn’t have known he was inexperienced in the bedroom. Obviously, Vasco has the physical endurance to have sex for a while but he doesn’t cum quick either. The first time you get into bed with him, you’re surprised that he makes you cum twice before he finishes. 

T - Toy (how do they feel about using them?)

Eh…Vasco would probably try them if you wanted to but I don’t think he would feel very strongly about them.

U - Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Vasco isn’t going to be a tease at all. If you want something from him, he’s more than willing to deliver. He loves it when you tell him what to do.

V - Volume (how loud they are and what sounds do they make?)

Vasco’s noises are pretty standard. I don’t think he would be shy about them either since he likes hearing your sounds and feels like he should let you know when he’s feeling good as well. 

W - Wild Card

Based on vibes and vibes only…I think Vasco would be able to easily fall into the role of a soft dom once he gets more confident in his bedroom skills. It’s a natural instinct for him to wanna take care of you. He doesn’t want to have to rely on you forever to give him pointers on how to fuck lol.

X - X-Ray (what’s in those pants?)

Literally, when I first saw Vasco I knew he had big dick energy. He might not know how to utilize it to the best of its abilities at first, but that doesn’t matter because he’s determined to learn. 

Y - Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Vasco has an average sex drive. He’s super touchy feely in your relationship, but he’s not gonna be a horn dog like some of the other Lookism characters are once they start dating you lol

Z ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 -  (how quickly they fall asleep after.) 

Vasco would probably want to stay up for a bit and ask you about what he did well on and what needs to be better. He definitely needs to be cuddled before bed time.

Summary: Vasco is the perfect himbo. Enough said.

bonus!   

It’s the morning after a movie marathon that ran a little too long. It’s not often that you wake up next to Vasco so it’s a pleasant surprise for him to be the first thing you see in the morning; it’s an even bigger treat when you feel his solid erection poking you in the butt. You gently wake him up by planting a series of kisses along his face and neck, giving him a bright smile when his eyes finally flutter open. 

“Do you need some help?” You ask him coyly once he’s fully awake, brushing your hand over the bulge in his boxers. Vasco glances down between his legs then back at you.

“Is that why you’re awake so early?” He responds, his voice slightly husky from sleep. Before you can respond, he slowly sits up in bed then moves to get on top of you. “I’m sorry for interrupting your rest.”

His touch is rough against your skin as one hand skims down the expanse of your torso and slips into the fabric of your panties. You gasp in surprise at the contact, initially feeling really shy about how aroused you were, but the way his fingers gently gather the arousal that was leaking out of you before going to circle your clit causes a dreamy sigh to leave your lips and make you forget about any other thoughts you had. 

Peeling the flimsy and damp fabric off of your body before he decides to proceed any further, Vasco lets your noises and body’s reactions tell him how to please you. Massaging your clit at varying speeds and pressures; bringing you so close to climaxing just from stimulating the small bundle of nerves then stopping when you were about to cum. He was a more attentive lover than you could have imagined and it doesn’t take long until you’re practically dripping all over his fingers and pleading for him to put them inside you. 

“Please, Euntae. Keep going.” You tell him quietly, bucking your hips toward his touch.

“Is this where you want me to touch you?” He questions as his fingers glide along your slick folds and prod your hole gently; waiting for your response.

“Yes, please put your fingers inside.” You urge in an almost desperate voice. A low moan escapes you as he eases his middle and ring finger into you. He doesn’t start thrusting immediately and just relishes in the feeling of how your walls clung on to his fingers; desperate for any type of friction. 

“You’re so wet already.” He muses, not missing the way you clenched around him at the sound of his words. “Did you have a naughty dream about me too?” 

A smile spreads across your face as the cause for his morning wood has been revealed to you but your mind doesn’t focus on that for long as he starts to pump his fingers  in and out of you and sensually rubs up against your walls. 

It’s embarrassing how high strung you feel because of the way he edged you earlier, but the only thing you were able to do in the moment was pray that you don’t cum too quickly. However, Vasco reminds you of how well he’s come to understand your body because he knows when you’re close. Sensing that you were holding back on him, his fingers start to move in and out of you faster; consistently hitting a spot within you that you had no idea existed and making you see stars behind your eyes. Your hands go to claw at his shoulders as shrill moans left you; totally disregarding the fact your apartment had very thin walls. With a few hard thrusts against your walls, your walls clench around his fingers signaling your first climax. But that wasn’t enough for Vasco; it would be too easy to just quit and stick his dick into you. 

So, even after you totally fail to prevent yourself from finishing too fast, Vasco’s fingers continue to stimulate you. You were sensitive prior to orgasming, and afterwards, that sensitivity had only increased. You’re squirming around on your mattress, inner thighs trembling, and your hips are trying to move away from Vasco’s touch. But he refuses to let you tap out. The sultry moans that leave your lips and the lewd noises that were being made by his fingers sliding in and out of your soaked cunt were just too addictive for him to stop. And of course, when you feel your second climax creeping up on you, your eyes roll back and your hips buck wildly as you let out another series of loud moans while your orgasm hits you like a truck. 

He slowly pulls his fingers out of you, careful not to overwork your sensitive parts. He slips out of his boxers and guides his length to your leaking center. Swiping the head along your slit, he lets your arousal coat it thoroughly before he sinks his cock inside of your waiting hole.

“I’ll make sure you rest well after this, okay?”

#lookism x reader #lookism headcanons #lookism smut #vasco smut #vasco x reader #vasco scenarios #lookism #lookism fanfic #lookism imagines #lookism manhwa #lookism webtoon #junggunz.txt

[ectogeo-rebubbles]

I have kind of a niche Garashir fic idea I want to write but I’ve never posted anything publicly before, so I am nervous. But I can’t seem to get over the idea? You’re one of my favorite fic writers, any advice? 💕🥺

Ooooh, you gotta try to write it!!! I always love to indulge my new ideas that are driving me insane as soon as I can hehe (because part of writing often has to be done after the initial idea no longer excites you quite the same way).

I like that you said it’s a niche idea, too! I do enjoy most of the common fanon tropes and worldbuilding, but it’s always so refreshing when people add something brand new to the Garashir body of literature. And the nicher and stranger the better, in my opinion!! One thing about writing something niche is that maybe it won’t get the same amount of attention as quickly as something that has broader appeal, HOWEVER... I can tell you from experience that when your niche stuff does find its audience (which may take patience and persistence) that audience will likely go absolutely WILD for it. And I always find that very rewarding <3

Is the reason you haven't started yet because you don't quite know how to start? If that's the case, I would recommend writing an outline first. I even sometimes will outline really short oneshots lol, not because I think I really need to, but because that way i at least have a good record of my idea and ALSO because sometimes I can trick myself into just starting to write by taking notes on in outline format until I get to the part I'm REALLY excited about, at which point I realize I'm just writing full sentences instead of notes and I just let it flow from there and go back to fix the beginning later. XD You could also just try to summarize the plot for a friend, that often reveals to me where any structural issues are tripping me up, and identifies what I need to think about more before I set words down on the page.

Idk if you haven't written before or if you just haven't posted any of it, but I want you to know that a few years ago, when I was easing myself back into writing, I worked on writing like 3 or 4 different garashir fic ideas privately before I actually figured out which idea I wanted to write all the way to the end and actually post. Most of those first wips never got posted (and my wip graveyard is still massive and always growing lol) and that's for the best bc I either got bored of the idea or could not yet achieve the story in the way I wanted to. Which is NOT to tell you that this is inevitable or that you should let your inner editor shut you down, but I just want you to know that it's perfectly okay and normal to, like, have to noodle around a bit before you've written something you're happy with.

Speaking of your inner editor, you gotta tune them out while writing a first draft. Don't even worry if the sentence makes sense, just get the words out, and then get the next words out, and then the next... If there is something stopping you from writing the next sentence (a name you need to make up, or something you need to research, or uncertainty about what a character would be doing, or even if you are just blanking on a word) and you are trying to maintain a flow of writing, then write a note for yourself (e.g, "[insert title of a Cardassian novel here]" or "[Julian makes some kind of expression. Surprise? Anger? idk]" or "[synonym for sinister, bc I've used sinister three times this fic already]") and then MOVE ON. You can go back in and fill in those blanks later.

Also, I really really really really like the writing advice of thinking of your first draft as your worst draft or stupidest draft. It's so true and it helps take the pressure off. One related amazing thing about writing star trek fanfic is that if ever you begin to doubt yourself, you can just fondly think about a beloved episode of Star Trek where something very silly or buckwild happens in a very contrived way, and then remind yourself that people LOVE that episode anyway. This is a genuine way that I have reminded myself not to be so harsh on my own writing lmao.

I really working with beta readers, but I know that's not something everyone enjoys and it's def not required. Still, a beta reader can give feedback on your writing to make it clearer, and they'll likely become invested in your fic and will cheer you on, and if it’s longer than a oneshot you can have someone to talk it through with during the writing process. But it might be hard to find someone you work well with and everyone’s beta reading style is a lil different, so I recommend always being very clear about what kind of feedback you want from them (grammar/typos, plot structure, clarity, brainstorming ideas for how to fix this plothole, does this one specific line of dialogue work, etc! whatever aspects you are uncertain about and want help with for that specific fic). And you should know that it’s okay to not take someone's recommendations too, it’s ultimately your fic, so anyone giving you feedback should just be trying to help you achieve your own vision. Still, even in those cases where you don't go along exactly with their idea for what to change, knowing what parts confused them can help you figure out how to get your vision across more clearly.

If you think concrit might actually be demotivational and intimidating (totally get that, back in high school I actually solicited concrit on my fics publicly, as was the custom back then, and received some critiques from some truly well-meaning friends, and the experience STILL rattled me so bad that it turned me off writing for awhile), or if the process of finding someone to beta read sounds overwhelming, I’d recommend that you instead just find a trusted friend who is willing to read over the completed draft, with the understanding that they must simply give you a sanity check and then tell you yep that’s good! Cannot stress enough the power of encouragement and support and having someone hype you up. ^_^

If you are too nervous to post it under your own name, you can post it to the Anonymous collection on ao3. This is a reversible process, so if you want to reattach your username to your fic later then you can!

Anyway, feel free to send follow up questions about any of this or let me know if there's an aspect of writing I didn't mention that is what you're actually stuck on. I hope this helps and good luck and HAVE FUN! Have fun is actually the most important writing advice haha.

(P.S., anon, if you want me to beta read a draft of a oneshot or at least look over a chapter or two if it's multichapter, I am down to do so, just DM me. If not that's fine too, I'm just so so flattered that you reached out to me and I want to encourage you in any way I can! <3)

#asks

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Cw kind of a vent I guess? About autistic traits

Hi!

I was diagnosed over a year ago with autism and bpd. While I always fit bpd descriptions to a t, I have a some imposter syndrome around the autism. (I don't talk to the person who diagnosed me anymore.) There are some main autism things that I have, like really bad sensory issues and communicstion and social issues, and also a lot of more niche autism things are very relatable. But there are a lot of maim symptoms that I don't have. Like I make eye contact as well as any neurotypical without discomfort, and from what I've seen there seem to be a very high percentage of autistics who have adhd too, which I most definitely do not. The main thing that worries me is I don't have special interests? There's one thing I that might be close to a special interest, but I really don't think so as it's not anywhere near as intense or consuming as most people describe their special interests. I have seen/heard a few people (not reliable sources though but still) say before that you can't be autistic without a special interest. And like... I've been diagnosed! I know autism is a spectrum and everyone experiences different traits, and I know diagnosis is a privilege I don't want to abuse by doubting it, just kind of have some imposter syndrome... likely contributed to by bpd lol! I've followed your blog for a while and thought this would be a safe space to put this and see what you and others think. Thanks! Actually just writing this out helped.

Hi there,

A lot of things can go-occur when autism. And everyone is is different and has different traits, maybe missing some, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have autism. It’s a large spectrum that I find fascinating in my opinion.

Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

#inbox #inbox reply #inbox is open

[shellxrls]

im sorry if this is random omg but im the southeast asian girlie and im planning on studying and living in the uk… what are ur thoughts pls… cs seeing ur accent post about them assuming n stuff makes me go 😟 but then again i still wanna pursue my studies there..

NO PLS DISREGARD ALL I SAID LMAO. i’m just bitter cuz i didn’t wanna be here in the first place but life goes on obviously.

all of my friends who actually wanted to come to the uk in the first place loveee it here, they’re obsessed w the weather and nature and just ab love romanticising the whole aesthetic. even ppl who’ve come to visit always get so jealous 😭😭.

and i will definitely say objectively it is a nice place to study & live in and i do feel extremely lucky to be in this position. it’s just that personally the way i feel ab having to move here and the specific circumstances still feel like an open wound, so i can’t help but be pessimistic 😭😭. it’s very much a ‘i’d rather be in [where i planned to study originally]’ situation than a ‘oh i hate this place (the uk) specifically sooo much.’

and regarding the accent stuff — i’ve always found it difficult to fit in culturally cuz i grew up in so many different places (4/5 different countries and wayyy more schools and houses) and the one i resonate the most w is a tiny ass island ppl usually don’t even know exist 😭😭 so i definitely have my own niche as well as being very picky.

aside from all of that though, uni is definitely multicultural so i doubt you’ll have much trouble finding non-british ppl or acclimating to the culture, there’s a huge south asian community in this country lol.

also most of my negative experiences surrounding ppl reacting to me being non-british are largely non-school related anyway and like i said before, i only struggle cuz majority of ppl (even if they are immigrants/non british) have still not moved around the same amount as me 😭, which is less of a british-specific thing and more that most ppl in general don’t grow up like that lol.

despite all of this i do still plan on working in the uk after i graduate lmao. cuz things have been good here and i truly think i’ll settle perfectly fine if i can just get myself to let go of the past/what could’ve been.

anyways i hope this was helpful !! pls don’t let my bitter rants get to u i’ve honestly never liked britain and all my life i planned on going somewhere else so 💀. if this is where u wanna be i can guarantee you’ll love it (and u get free healthcare which has actually been so good for me cuz i have a lot of health issues 💀💀).

#asks.ᐟ ⋆｡˚𖦹 #;anon #;chatting

[karamell-sweetz]

welcome to my blog!

time to remake my info post :D

BASICS

my name is karamell! its a pleasure to meet ya :D

i go by she/her and am cis female :3 not too fussed abt pronouns tho!

at present i am 16, my birthday is the 16th of june. i’m australian + filipino, so sorry if i post something at an ungodly hour for your timezone lmao

this blog will be for my fandom reblogs, art and countless ramblings! i have a separate account dedicated to undertale multiverse content -> @karamellz-multiverse-l0g (i don’t post there a lot because undertale is on the backburner for now!) i’m currently aiming to get into an animation course for university, so all my art is working towards that :3

i am also self-appointed chairwoman of the rui kamishiro fanclub! not that that’s too important… but i like saying it lol

BYF

i don’t tag my reblogs/queue usually so uhh good luck poring through that >< all of my original posts are tagged for convenience though, you can find my tags in the search bar :3

in relation to that i’m VERY multifandom so srry if you get bombarded with stuff that doesn’t relate to you haha! but hopefully you’ll like the stuff i rb too, i’m a firm believer in the power of brainrot spreading and most of my fandoms are from the same niche anyway!

i dont have a dni because realistically i cant rlly control who sees my stuff, but if you or the stuff you post make me uncomfortable i’ll just block you. no hard feelings <3

FANDOMS + FAV LIST

project sekai - rui kamishiro, tsukasa tenma, wxs, n25, okay actually its everyone i love proseka soo much

vocaloid - miku, una + deco*27, n-buna, kikuo, pinocchio-p, inabakumori, picco, harumakigohan, maiki-p

d4dj - unichørd, hapiara, lyrilily

bandori - pasupa, morfonica, hhw, ras

enstars - trickstar, alkakurei

love live - rina tennoji, shioriko mifune, hanamaru kunikida, ruby kurosawa, you watanabe, ayumu uehara

fragaria memories - romarriche

milgram - amane, yuno, mahiru

undertale (utmv) - xtale, ink, murder time trio

danganronpa - shuichi saihara, kaede akamatsu, k1-b0

twisted wonderland - heartslabyul (deleted the game because UGH the grind)

denonbu - harajuku district

revue starlight - lalafin, karen, aruru (i love all of them tho)

cookie run kingdom - had a very minor fling with this one so you won’t see it a lot

genshin impact - also minor fling, have not played past liyue. solely here for the banger character designs

other things you may see: lalaloopsy + other doll lines from that era, mlp, warrior cats, cute art i think is nice, lunime gacha games (i was very much a ‘gacha kid’ back in its prime), puyo puyo, writing stuff, THE COLOUR PINK, webcore, memes, cool crafts, yorushika, other teenage girl things idk

TAGS

karamell yells - ramblings and random stuff, may include headcanons and analysis

karamell doodles - my art! mostly fanart at the moment

karamell’s wips - works in progress (stuff i’ll never finish probably)

karamell’s pocket - posts i want to come back to

karamell gaming - random game screenshots

karamell rolls the gacha - my gacha pulls of varying luck

karamell’s mailbox - asks, submissions, tag games, all that fun stuff

karamell’s rq pile - drawing requests (which are always open btw, feel free to send some in if you’d like!)

karamell stop missing the blonde clown - thirsty? brainrot posts about tsukasa tenma because boy do i love him

karamell’s confections - various big projects (videos, edits, etc). all the cool stuff i make that isn’t normal art basically

karamell’s burning pile of ocs - see image below:

(utmv submissions for this will be posted on my sideblog)

when in doubt. rui scribble - various random scribbles of rui kamishiro because i like drawing him

karamell asks a question - mostly polls and stuff i need help with

TAGS FOR MINI-SERIES

karamell’s project precure au - project sekai x precure (updates never)

wxs revue au - project sekai x revue starlight (updates randomly)

karamell’s birthday treat cafe - food-themed fandom birthday drawings (on break for a bit)

kamikou seniors trio - tsukasa ena rui posts because i want them to hang out

the mizuruiena agenda continues - mizuki rui ena hanging out

rui dress agenda - rui in dresses what did you expect

rui fanclub sekai - read my blog description. just silly things about a hypothetical rui fanclub

FIND ME!

youtube - karamell-sweetz!

tiktok - karamell.sweetz

ao3 - mirai_spxrk

pinterest - karamellxsweetz

art fight - karamellxsweetz

FRIEND ID (GLOBAL SERVERS ONLY)

bandori - 4636316 (karamellxshowtime!) (i might be out of friend space tho)

d4dj - ffzoJpPf (mirai.chørd)

project sekai - 168505012555628545 (karamellxshowtime)

enstars - 7709727947 (karamelloid)

starira - 1324761851 (revue.sweetz)

that should be all. enjoy your stay on my silly little corner of the internet!! 🫶

#PINNED POST #karamell yells

[bandori-garupa-facts]

big stream is in about 2 hours, BUT we have a few updates:

The other two characters of the collab have been announced! Sayo and Rimi should be the 5 stars and Ran should be one of the event cards! Toko and Rui are both as due as each other in terms of the 4 star spot so it could go either way, Toko's seiyuu will be in this stream so it's probable that's the indicator of her getting the 4 star, along with her having one less 4 star compared to Rui.

The song hints were also announced! (a little confusing they decided ras hhw and popipa again tbh, i get pasupare also had a song but aglow roselia and monica are overall fine i think? also I'm not a huge anime/j-pop buff aside from vocaloid and like, certain niche anime series/producers so i can't guess specific songs, lol)

While nothing has been revealed about the important Garupa information at the end of the stream but it's safe to say MyGO!!!! being added to the game is the most probable thing, theres three MyGO seiyuu in the stream (which was announced yesterday) and their anime is releasing tomorrow. If not, people are predicting Aya's seiyuu. I doubt it could be anything else afaik? a new game or version of the game is probably off the table unless they announce the switch version getting an international release (which isnt very big news anyways) because sbu was literally 3.5 months ago and doing anything that replaces the game will likely be detrimental to the game itself, if not the franchise. maybe a game similar to how sifas was is probably the closest that i'd say they go, and even then it isn't directly *garupa* related. Band story 4 is a possibility but i think it's just a bit too early to announce it as all the stories are just now getting to their rising actions again. I already had some ideas in my post prior, otherwise, there isn't anything else that can be predicted which is realistic or something that sounds like a good business decision

#but yea idk right now we'll just have to see in 2 hours #bandori #bang dream #garupa #discussion

[whysamwhy123]

11 and 18 for the writer thing!

Thank you so much for sending this in! Took forever to answer it because I am The Worst. And I've gotta put it under the cut because this bitch rambled on like usual, LOL.

11) What work took you the longest to write?

I'm a pretty slow writer in general, but it was probably Voice in the Dark, Part Two. It was a much more staggered writing process than usual - I wrote the first couple sections almost immediately after I posted the first part, then I promptly abandoned it. Then, a couple weeks later, I circled back and finished it. But even if you take out the weeks of no progress, it still took a lot longer than usual just because of how long the damn thing ended up being. Especially with it going in a different direction than I thought it would. To this day, I still wonder what the reception would have been if I'd gone with the original ending where Hook would masturbate to completion over Danhausen's sleeping body, End of Evangelion style 🙂🙂🙂

18) The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year

This is a tough one because generally, I'm a bit of a coward and if I don't think I can write a character decently well, I just won't bother 😬 A lot of the time, I decide on who the POV character is based on ''Well, I don't think I can write very well from this person's perspective soooo...'' So instead, I'm just gonna ramble on about vaguely related stuff?

I think I did struggle a bit with OrangeHook early on? Both of those two are so monosyllabic and I'm a very dialogue-heavy kind of writer so that was tough to get ahold of. I don't think I'd be able to write OrangeHook from Hook's perspective tbh. It's an age thing, LOL. That being said, I do have a Bad Idea for an OrangeHook fic where I might decide to actually challenge myself for once and write it from Hook's perspective? It'll be a lot harder to write the fic that way but I think it would also potentially be more interesting? Although I doubt anyone would read it because the idea is pretty 😬

And maybe this doesn't count because I haven't posted it, but I did start writing my weird Ricky/Christian Sugar Baby AU that absolutely no one asked for and even though he's not the POV character, I had/am having a tough time writing Christian. Mainly because I'm not really a fan of his (he's one of those characters where I tend to enjoy him more in fic form. No idea if this is normal, but I tend to have characters that I like seeing what writers in the fandom will do with them and I'll find that interesting, but whenever I try to actually watch them on the product, it's just like...no thank you!) so it's hard for me to figure out how to actually write him. That one has to be from Ricky's POV; that way I can leave a lot more of Christian's character to the reader's imagination. I say that knowing that maybe two people would read this hypothetical extremely niche rarepair fic 🤣

#Jeez Sam you went on and on here #My apologies I have no filter today whatsover so I simply wouldn't shut up 🤣 #But really thanks a million for sending this my way Katy!! <3 <3 <3

[foolofatook001]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I got tagged by @havenotwillnotreadthebooks (wooo!) <3

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

I have 69 works rn lol

2. What's your total ao3 wordcount?

308,253!!! Which is a lot. My goodness.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Oh, so many. My biggest ones in terms of fic number are dsmp and then atla, although I think the life series is catching up

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

they are all dsmp which makes sense because the fandom is (was?) absolutely forking massive

We'll See Where We Land (296 kudos); Death and Her Angel (246 kudos); I Don't Discriminate (Between the Sinners and the Saints) (239 kudos); I'll Go With You (225 kudos); History Has Its Eyes On You (198 kudos) (wow I really went for the Hamilton titles lol)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

I do! I don't get many comments, so I always try to reply when I do, because it's exciting to know that people enjoyed my writing :D

6. What is your fic with the angstiest ending?

Oh definitely How Soft Your Fields lol. No spoilers but that one got some people.

7. What is your fic with the happiest ending?

I'm gonna go with Sleepless in the Fire Nation, I think

8. Do you get hate on your fics?

Nope! Kefi also said this but I'd say I'm not a big enough fish to get hate lol

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Also nope.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's your craziest crossover?

I do write crossovers on occasion. As far as "craziest" goes, either Diplomatic Relations, which is an Avatar the Last Airbender/Lunar Chronicles crossover, or my Magnus Archives/Lord Huron lore series lol (this one more for like. nicheness)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I'm aware. Like I said, small fish.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have not! Definitely down if anyone ever asks though

13. Have you co-written any fics?

I have! Who Killed Markiplier: Origins, with my dear friend who goes by Madness_Life_and_Choice on ao3, and then I'll Be Back Again, which was part of a collaborative "telephone" event I did with the ever-wonderful stardust server.

14. What is your all-time favorite ship?

Gotta go with Zutara for this one. It's definitely one of the ones I've shipped the longest, and a lot of the tropes/characteristics they have are what I find I like in other ships as well

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt will actually happen?

NGL a lot of my multichap dsmp fics. Some of them I have outlines for, and I feel bad for letting them languish, but I probably won't be back to them any time soon (although idk I've been rereading a lot of my bookmarks lately lol)

16. What are your writing strengths?

I'd probably say character voice? I like to think I'm pretty good at letting the character shine through in dialogue and in narration.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I don't always do enough description, I think-- I forget that not everyone has the same image in their head as I do.

18. What are your thoughts on dialogue in other languages in fic?

It can be done well and it can be done poorly, and it's Really Irritating when done poorly.

19. What was your first fandom?

Avatar: The Last Airbender.

20. What's your favorite fic you've written?

Probably Lord Knows I Should Be Pushin' Daisies, which was my first TMA/Lord Huron crossover and very near and dear to my heart (Johnnie Redmayne my boy my beloved <3)

tag time! I shall tag @wikipedianna, @liminalumi, @randomprojectedkat and @fennzer

#tag game #fool writes #thanks kefi! this was really fun :D

[acacia-may]

Welcome back! So, as for your new game... I remember that you once mentioned that Wally x Millianna is a ship which you love, so how about that?

Thank you so much, Anon-friend! I really appreciate the warm welcome back and the ask. Yes, I absolutely adore Wally x Millianna! Criminally underrated pairing (I don't even know if they have a ship name it's so niche lol😅), so I am thrilled to have the opportunity to make a song recommendation and a headcanon for them! Thank you so much for playing my song + headcanon ask game!

Alright so I may have gone mostly with vibes for this one but I've chosen "Love Me Or Leave Me" (and linked the fabulous cover by Regina Spektor) because it just sounds like the love song of 1920s gangsters and given that Wally wants to be/pretends to be a 1920s gangster and Milianna absolutely, without a doubt has the same level of cheekiness as the singer has in this cover, it just felt like the perfect song for them! Also, I feel like this whole sentiment of only wanting to be with each other is very fitting for them and I can't quite explain why I have this vivid image of Miliana kind of playfully teasing Wally that "there'll be no one unless that someone is you. I intend to be independently blue." And I can absolutely see either of them saying (albeit a bit jokingly probably) "I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else." 💖

Related Headcanon:

Wally's love of 1920s gangsters also extends to 1920s jazz music, and he loves putting on jazzy love songs to dance to with Millianna who is a wonderful dancer. Wally isn't much of a dancer, so she has to teach him a little bit, but he is very adventurous and likes to try out all kinds of fancy twirls, spins, and dips which Millianna really loves. When they marry, they love dancing around the house in their pajamas, and when they have children, they invite the kids to dance too!

Love Me Or Leave Me - YouTube

#wally x millianna #millianna x wally #fairy tail millianna #wally buchanan #i love them so much #song + headcanon game #answered anons

[evaofkonoha]

A few unhinged thoughts I wrote out and it's my blog so I'm sharing:

Sometimes, I wonder if my works mean something to someone. Like, they read something I wrote, and it hit them. They felt seen by it, or it provided some sense of comfort, or related to a life experience they have had, or it just hit everything they like. Because sure "I write for myself yadda yadda," but like, did I create something that actually means something to someone?

Because I have read things like that, and I get so excited when I read something that just really hits just right. Like, I never knew this existed before, but now I know it does and my life is different and better because of it.

And how do I express that in a way that isn't overbearing/overwhelming/whatever? I have a tendency to leave over-enthusiastic comments, but I recently had the epiphany that some people might actually hate getting that kind of stuff. It might be a little too much, or kind of awkward to get this gushing comment on a work (or tumblr ask, whatever). Especially on an older work. And if I am beginning to feel this way, do other readers maybe feel this way too?

On the other hand, if we don't tell people, how will they ever know that we love and appreciate what they have done?

As an author, I always get so excited to get a really enthusiastic comment, or dm (which I have gotten before and love just as much). I guess it goes back to the question of "has my work left and impact on someone," because a reader reaching out like that would have to suggest the answer is "yes."

But if I am feeling like I have to practically beg in an A/N for interaction, is it authentic? Would I rather have nothing than inauthentic interaction? (Yes). There's a lot to unpack here, but I'm not going to, I just don't want to rn.

I write niche shit. Like, super niche. I get it if I don't get much traction, I am pretty comfortable with thay fact. I write what I want to write, and most of it doesn't have mass appeal. While I hate to admit it--and it makes me sound very whiny, I know--I can't help but have doubts when I throw something out there and... nothing. It leaves me wondering if it's just not that good, if I'm the only one having an experience, holding an interest, or even really left in an area of fandom. I know I'm not, but I think we all have these unfortunate thoughts that creep up on us sometimes, getting a chokehold on insecurities and purpose and passion.

Doubts are normal, they are. Sometimes, they really pull me under, not going to lie. That fear that nothing I do matters, that it doesn't mean anything. It's not about numbers or kudos or any of that crap, it's about connection. Is what I am writing connecting? With myself? With others? Is it even something I need to be stressing over? (Probably not, but here we are).

I think it is important to not sugarcoat all this though, because if these things aren't expressed, they can't be shared, and that leaves me--and anyone else feeling this way--feeling alone.

This is pretty rambly, but it is something I have been thinking about a lot, reflecting on fandom and community and passion and what the point of all this is. I love to write, it is truly one of my greatest passions, but I think sharing my writings and the social aspect of all this is what has really been so special to me. I have made some wonderful fandom friends--through comments sections, tumblr dms, discord, and so on--that have made this experience coming back into fandom so much richer. Again, it's that connection aspect. I don't know if I would still be going this strong if I hadn't, and didn't continue to make, friends who love all this too. So, I am very overly beyond thankful for those who have shown me so much love. I am glad we have connected. It helps fight these doubts on purpose and shit.

There is not definite conclusion to any of this, it's all just the ramblings of a hyper-self-aware hobby writer. lol. :)

#writers on tumblr #ao3 writer #ramblings #This probably doesn't make any sense #But sometimes it's best to let things out then keep them in #fanfic #Fandom #Writer

[plague-of-insomnia]

Hi there. I have been following your account for awhile. Besides Black Butler, do you follow other fandoms too?

Hi BDK :). Thank you for the ask.

Kuro is the only fandom I’ve become deeply involved in. The others I tend to just kinda skirt and reblog art or things like that, mostly bc Kuro is the only property I’m super super into.

I don’t always ship people as I tend to not really care much about those. I have to really fall for two or more characters usually for that to happen, and that’s another thing that makes kuro special. I tend to consume a LOT of media to try to stay ahead of my moods (mostly manga and anime nowadays, bc that’s easier for me to read/watch), and most even if I love the story don’t hook me like Kuro. I am generally not one who re-reads or re-watches things more than once. I’m more of consume, move on, and mostly forget lol.

My other problem is I tend to have very niche taste even among “niche” media, and often even when I find something I love and wanna watch more Or experience more of, the fandom is essentially nonexistent, or the content I want doesn’t exist. So there really isn’t a fandom for me to be involved in even I wanted to (cries in Emma, VME, etc)…

But here are some fandoms I do follow on tumblr, more or less, aside from Kuro, ofc, and any ships I may like if applicable:

Ace Attorney (Wrightworth) - I fell so damn hard for Edgeworth when I played the games for the first time. I never expected such an old game to be so gay in the best possible way, and I related so much to him. I don’t really care as much for some of the other characters, but I do enjoy the overall franchise (including The Great Detective series). I doubt I would ever get too involved though

Attack on Titan (eruri), though honestly I really only like Erwin, and mostly as a Bard substitute if I’m being entirely honest… there’s a lot of content for him and that ship and not for Bard and sebard so when I’m really craving what I can’t have I look here. I do not like the series as a whole and I hate the main characters lol so I stopped reading and watching after Erwin’s death and have zero interest in being involved in the fandom. I may one day write something for it bc I had a good story idea, but that would be the most I’d be involved

Buddy Daddies (kuzarei) - biggest thing I’m into rn, like I MAY actually write a oneshot for this. I love Rei bc he reminds me a lot of WDH Luci, and he and K have a kind of sebard dynamic. But even as it’s own I really enjoy the depth of characters that they’ve managed to create with only a few episodes… much better than other series I’ll be polite and not mention lol

Kamisama Hajimemashita (Tomoe) - I am a big sucker for stories about yokai and I love this series partly bc Tomoe reminds me A LOT of Sebastian if he were a kitsune. The story itself is also very good (except I hate the ending and pretend it didn’t happen that way, lol). I don’t dislike the female MC, she’s actually not awful like a lot of shoujo heroines are, but I don’t relate to female characters most of the time and so I don’t really care too much about their ship outside of canon. But I do like seeing fan art especially of him.

Link Click (lucheng) - This was a surprisingly queer-coded and emotional anime (well, donghua) that I was not expecting anything from going in and that I’m very excited to see the next season of. I haven’t sought out any fics for this but have reblogged fan and official art.

xxxHolic (douwata) - the manga for this series infuriated me in a lot of ways, but at the same time I adored the relationship between Doumeki and Watanaki. I don’t think I would write for this fandom but I would read for it, potentially.

That’s about it, aside from some anime/manga I adore that I rewatch/re-read, but don’t really have plans to get involved in fandom for (or there is no fandom for them, at least not an English speaking one), or a few video games I really like but again, it’s more about enjoying some art every now and then rather than anything else.

I’m sorry I’m not more interesting, lol. I rarely enjoy big properties/popular manga/anime, and even if I do it’s like “ah that was nice” and move on. Like I can really appreciate the storytelling behind Fullmetal Alchemist, I have read a couple fan fics for it, and I would rewatch Brotherhood, but I don’t really ship anyone enough/care enough to be in the fandom. Same with SPN. I have watched the first ~10+ seasons or so several times (no I haven’t watched the last few 2-3 and maybe never will), and I really adore Sam and Dean’s relationship, but I never shipped anyone (except maybe Bobby/Rufus, lol), and so I probably will never get into that fandom either. 🤷🏻

Just how I’m wired, I guess.

#poi answers #blitzdragonking #fandom asks

[ihatebnha]

Noooooo niche stuff is so great! It's natural for popular characters to get more traction. But usually the more niche stuff will get you the *type of interaction you want. But also that's the internet, some things will pop off and some won't and it usually has nothing to do with your talents. Would love to see your writings but as someone who gets in my head a lot yeah lol. Never good to compare stuff like that when there's an algorithm involved. Niche loyalty is a different type of loyalty though lol and Dabi is still very popular as opposed to like an Awase or Rody.

y'know i know what you mean and in fact, i AGREE, however it just makes me laugh bc i don't really post about niche things in general so it feels sorta silly to aim for that audience when i really doubt the flow of viewers would be automatic.

that's not to say unappreciated or even NECESSARY, but in relation to the conversation of like... "giving writers notes is GOOD," it would feel odd to me to work hard on something, throw it out into the world, and then go back to... posting for an entirely separate audience.

i actually have somewhat mixed feelings about like... the whole conversation of interacting in general... but i realize this is actually a super toxic mindset FOR ME bc honestly, i should just write whatever i want and not care, since like u said, the people who matter in relation to it will find it... but idk.

also, when i made that post, i was talking about my dabi thing but i was also talking just in general about.. even characters like deku and kirishima who don't receive nearly the same amount of attention as bakugo.

it's an entirely separate conversation altogether, but part of me thinks... a lot of people are just here for bakugo (vs. it being entirely algorithm based) ... AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, this space as a whole, fandom-wise, has changed, i think. mostly due to the pandemic "ending" and the shifting of interests. but who knows.

anyway, sjlhfdalsdj i appreciate ur interest + response and im still gonna work on my dabi thing, don't worry!!! i'm really going thru it right now trying to expand my writing so i wanna push myself hard with it <333

#i was also thinking abt it the other day and it's weird bc #(ig this is well known but) #bakugo is my favorite but a lot of my ideas come for different people #not even because i dont like bakugo but bc of the nature of my ideas #and thats so odd. in a way. #which is mostly just in response to like #u talking abt niche loyalty #i want to talk about bakugo but write abt dabi + gojo #if that makes sense #idk anymor #but ur entirely correct #just write and worry abt the views later #ugh #writing hard!!!!!!! #ive been really feeling like the sentiments i have been expressing recently are disconnected from my internal thoughts #not to dump this all on u tho LMFAOOO #im just sick of feeling stuck #ask #anon #caitie chats

[hologramcowboy]

It’s so telling that Gen has things going for her while Danneel has absolutely nothing. People like to make fun of Gen for being a blogger/influencer, but at least she’s doing something and she’s doing it pretty successfully. Her sponsors are all real brands that are pretty well known, and her book club is actually really good. She’s invited to events in Austin, is featured in local magazines and regularly does a lot of charity work both publicly and privately. And that’s why Danneel likes to throw shade at her. Danneel wishes she could get brand deals and sponsors, but she can’t so she acts like it’s a choice. Back when she lived in Austin, the only time she was ever seen at events were if Gen was there, or if Jensen was there. No one was inviting her to anything, and now that’s she in Colorado the trend is continuing. No magazines wanted to interview her. (That still hasn’t changed, I bet she threw a fit about Gen’s cover of Tribeza). Any charity she does is a vanity project that she parades all over social media so that everyone knows she’s a woke feminist queen! She can’t get acting roles, her personality is so abhorrent that she can’t be an influencer, and she can’t get a normal job because she has no skill set. She’s no longer a part of the brewery, so the only thing she has right now is her vanity title at Chaos Machine Productions. Her brand (whatever that is) is falling even further (didn’t think that was possible) due to her social media absence. Whatever rebrand she’s gearing up for, she better do it fast before she falls even further into irrelevancy.

This was written with so much clarity it's a pleasure to read, thanks for taking the time to share your perspective, anon. Yes, Gen is an accomplished woman on her own, was so even before meeting Jared. She's created her own niche and even though it might not be everyone's cup of tea it IS authentic to her personality and values and it is successful. Whereas Danneel just floats through life leeching off of everyone around her and getting angry when anyone dares to point out truths. No matter how much she victimizes, she needs to step up and realize that her career tanked because of her attitude. Her type in the acting industry was predominantly The Other Woman/The Bitch, she used to complain about casting directors telling her her face is meant for a villain. Well, that's her essence so in complaining about that but acting like a bitch (so like the type they had assigned to her but in real life) she burned bridges. She also arrogantly played the Jensen card thinking that professionals with years and years of experience will bow down to her just because she sleeps with a sex symbol. It only made her lose even more credibility. Then again, I doubt she ever planned on being taken seriously as an actress cause if she had, her choices would have been way different. It's obvious to her vying for roles was just a set up to get her in the right rooms with the right men. It seems she was always targeting the likes of Jensen or someone even wealthier, reading her old interviews makes this obvious, they are all about fishes in the sea and what a great girlfriend she is and other angles that set up her dynamic. As for the magazines, true, the only press she got was OTH related and then the ones her PR ordered mixed with some SPN coverage which dwindled very quickly. She throws shade at Gen because she perceives her as competition as if they are in the same ballpark, they are not. Gen has her flaws but one thing she is is stable and business savvy. Now she's pulling a 180 and she's sucking up to Gen. lol Her rebrand can't happen without authenticity and she has long burned the bridge that connected her brand to trustworthy aspects so good luck with that, Elta. I am guessing she is waiting for the production company to launch some project so she can them claim credit for the work others are doing on her behalf. She's also watered down her appeal by posting too many family pics (actors need to be careful when doing this and only do it when it is on brand for said actor - example - If a dude's type is The Goofy Dad then family videos/pics are a must). The charity posts also need to go, she's not personally involved in any of that and doesn't have the intelligence to be an ambassador for those topics so she needs to stay away before creating a PR nightmare she won't soon escape. The only thing she is woke to is how bamboozling people can earn her money or fame. Danneel's been leading her career in the most clueless of ways for decades and I can't help but wonder who is advising her.

#anti danneel #anti danneel ackles #anti elta #anti elta graul #anti jenneel

[unproduciblesmackdown]

get in we’re pondering / extrapolating some pt lore (there’s a tl;dr paragraph at the very end ;w;)

often musing about the overarching Theme/s in the series where there's like, these axes of, hope vs despair, self sacrifice (often to protect others) vs being protected by others (often to prevent self sacrifice), and i was thinking about how those protective self sacrifices (which often generally contain some aspect of hope And despair, the former in that someone is taking an action in the hopes of protecting someone, the latter in that they don't have any hope of any less (potentially) self destructive course to pursue to achieve that, or else they'd be doing that instead) do succeed at least in part. we don't really know what's going on with tutu in the story besides disappearing / turning into a point of light, but she exists outside of the story too and manifests in ways clearly associated with hope, & i think we can infer that her appearance/disappearance in the story did have this effect for mytho in giving him hope b/c like, how can it be a coincidence that the heart shard of Hope happens to be the one used to let someone become tutu, or that mytho was able to feel hope prior to technically have the capacity for it when thinking about her and then recognize as much in retrospect. and mytho himself sacrifices his own heart to protect everyone from the raven, rue sacrificing herself saves mytho from the raven in turn, and what i'm getting around to is that i was thinking about how sacrifices are never in vain, except for the knight's, but then i was like, well hey, what if because the rules of this story do seem to Always Reward tragic self sacrifices (surely at least in part to Incentivize it from the characters, b/c the sacrifices made wholly out of despair are apparently just people losing their hearts to the raven, f, and characters making sacrifices in the hopes of protecting someone have to actually have that hope at all), maybe the knight's death wasn't really Useless

and maybe it's relevant that the knight presumably wasn't intending to die right then, there's no implication that like, he was pushing the prince out of the way taking a bullet for him, just that the knight meant to attack the raven but didn't even manage to do that and got killed instead. but i think we can suppose that the knight was just always willing to die for the prince and there's this degree of inherent sacrifice in that already, as well as in being so devoted to the prince and protecting him, which the knight must've done plenty of even if, in the moment he was killed, there was no direct achievement in protecting mytho / siegfried / the prince. and i doubt that the way the prince felt about it was actually like "oh my god, useless" rather than that the knight did die For Him, even if mytho wasn't in immediate mortal danger that could've only been thwarted by the knight's death, and even if the knight presumably didn't Know he would die and actually choose that, because of accepting it as his only option to protect mytho. and it's evident throughout the series that characters being Real allows them to act in ways drosselmeyer doesn't predict or hasn't directed them to act or doesn't even necessarily know about, thinking of details like, mytho knowing his name is siegfried doesn't seem to come from any Text of drosselmeyer's in the story, or else people would know the prince has a name besides "the prince," and who knows, maybe drosselmeyer's unwritten hcs are part of the reality of his stories lol, but that's a fun mystery element, and beyond that these characters were all people with full lives and interiority that were not / could not have been written in full detail in the story's text and almost certainly weren't / couldn't have been Thought Out in full by drosselmeyer like that.

and i'm just thinking about how the knight is the only prominent character who outright dies in the unfinished story, aside from various, presumably not individually described/named people in the kingdom being killed by the raven, and possible details not mentioned in the series, like idk, whether or not mytho's parent/s died at some point in the course of the story. tutu's disappearance is too ambiguously magical to really call it a death, although it's a Tragic Fate intended to write her out of the story, and there's no indication of kraehe / the concept of The Raven's Daughter existing in the story, since in the first season kraehe is really fully standing in for the raven as the main villain / antagonist, with the raven not being shown or mentioned by her until the second season, and fakir just directly referring to kraehe as a crow or raven during that first season, and what with the idea in the second season that rue was just some random person the raven stole and presumably made up the concept of there being a [the raven's daughter] role. 

(even though when kraehe appears in season one it's clearly a swan lake / odile thing, and i guess you could conceivably wonder like "hey, is she the daughter of some rothbart equivalent here. like the story raven as the primary antagonist"....that's all Meta beyond the series's metatextual layers and, since idk, characters know of these other classic ballets, i guess it's possible swan lake as a ballet exists too. nobody's mentioning anything though lol. now i'm like.....okay so another tchaikovsky composed ballet was relevant / known in the sleeping beauty episode, where electricity was also a thing people were aware existed, if rare, not sure when this series was set but late 19th century seems plausible enough and swan lake wasn't immediately popular so maybe it exists but is too niche lore for these characters to be familiar with it lmao.....but then i'm like wait hang on. what if it must be after 1892 because the dance of the sugarplum fairy playing when ahiru walks in on mytho practicing seems to be diagetic. and then i'm like, nijinksy was only born in 1890, and didn't perform afternoon of a faun until 1912, and that seems just a little late, although at the same time everyone's existing in a fairy tale town and it could feasibly be any point in time outside of that. this tangent is going on way too long and my Real Conclusion of course is that we're not really meant to match up any timeline with the In Real Life timelines of when ballets premiered and became popular / established as Classics)

back to the point: out of the four main roles, tutu magically and mysteriously disappeared but didn't outright die the way that the human knight was definitely killed, and the duck who is given her powers / role is apparently truly just some random duck who happened to care for mytho (thinking about his apparent affinity for birds and theirs for him), kraehe was probably not a part of the story at all as the daughter of the raven and rue is apparently just some random baby who was kidnapped, mytho didn't die because he's the same self he was from the story, uninterrupted, and the knight did die, and fakir is just some kid but is also apparently identified as the reincarnation of that knight. and, whether or not that's just some coincidence or meant to be true, it's true for all intents and purposes since fakir found mytho and chose to devote himself to protecting him and is aware of / thinks of himself as the knight, and if the raven and drosselmeyer could've picked some random babies and ducks to have roles in the story, it shouldn't actually be a detriment to fakir if he's actually also just some guy who chose to be the knight rather than also actually already that knight reincarnated. the roles of both tutu and lohengrin are supposed to be intrinsically limited by their same roles as written in the story, where clearly drosselmeyer, wanting conflict and drama and peak effective tragedy, and kraehe / the raven as antagonists to these two, expect and want tutu to willingly vanish again and the knight to wield his sword and, at some point here, die. which, in season one, it seems likely enough that although fakir wasn't exactly instantly torn apart by the raven attack that Got him, he would've died if not for edel's intervention altering the story. anyway, assuming the roles comes from Choosing it / being willing to accept it and having some sort of magical artifact access out here, ahiru having a heart shard, rue having...raven blood and the fact that there's also the like, actual ravens out there who are Also magic b/c they're doing evil stuff, and turning into cursed pointe shoes and attacking canaries so the prince might jump out a window to save one, and fakir having magic swords. as well as, you know, the prince, the most magic artifact of all, truly

i'm kind of losing the point there lmfao just getting into details in a tangent. what i was trying to point out is that yeah, the knight's the only one of the four main roles who was clearly, officially, violently killed in the story. and then i was thinking about how, as far as i can think, it kind of comes totally out of nowhere in season two that like, oh hey, also fakir is a descendent of drosselmeyer's and i guess has that same magic writing ability. not that i think these season two framework shifts like That, or like kraehe being the daughter of the raven instead of just directly standing in for the raven as a concept and character, or like "oh right and also i'd poisoned mytho back in the season one finale" weren't possibly in mind the whole time, Or that if they weren't that's a problem, Or that either way, they needed to be foreshadowed / set up Textually in season one or anything, since you do need to change things up for there to Be a season two that doesn't have to retread the conflicts in the same way, and that's what these shifts allow for. it's still just that the effect is like, oh damn, fakir isn't just The Knight from the story reincarnated, he ALSO happens to have drosselmeyer's magic powers b/c they're related??? wow what a coincidence, that's so lucky for him in affording him Magic Powers that don't come from the story b/c if he wields the power of being the knight he Has to inevitably die, and while the power to write reality is clearly dangerous and Could kill him (or others), there's at least a chance, whereas it seems like otherwise, if you're accessing the powers that come with having a role from the story, you either have to accept the same fate as in the story, someone with the power of those who guide the story, e.g. edel, must externally alter its course, or you have to give up the role and its powers, like ahiru ultimately did by giving up the final piece of mytho's heart, and fakir did by no longer trying to be the knight and instead protecting everyone by figuring out how to wield his power to Write.

so then basically my thought was, hey, maybe it's Not *just* a coincidence that fakir's Also drosselmeyer's descendent. in the same way that it's not Just a coincidence that the original tutu, having made this sacrifice in the story, is somehow, in part or in whole, attached to the prince's feeling of hope, and able to manifest even once that piece of the prince's heart has been returned and ahiru no longer "officially" has access to tutu's role and power (whether that power is gone b/c her powers were all about returning the prince's heart shards or because the powers she had were the prince's, because of having a piece of his heart). there's already these parallels between the roles of this tragic princess and the knight, both fated to disappear and die, respectively, and the story rewards these noble sacrifices even as it demands them b/c the author loves tragedy, b/c drosselmeyer's also trying to work within some conventions here to have a cohesive story and to allow enough hope in the story to motivate the characters and give everything enough stakes to really be effectively tragic (although he was also apparently writing characters who'd appear and then forever disappear on the same page, so. all to a degree lol). and yet the story and the people in it can also operate outside of drosselmeyer's Intent and Control and even knowledge of what all is a factor in everything going on, because that's part of his power, the stories and their characters become people who are real in the same way that people not from the story are real, and there's elements of who they were and are and can be that drosselmeyer didn't write. rue wasn't meant to sacrifice herself, edel / uzura wasn't meant to help the characters avoid tragedy, ahiru was meant to be powerless as a duck (and a regular girl), fakir was meant to be powerless or die, tbh mytho was probably meant to prevail in the end but also maybe drosselmeyer wouldn't've minded if the raven won And Also definitely wouldn't've minded if mytho going "well fuck this, i'll take out my heart again, regain it, kill you that time, then also kill myself" had been seen through which would've been decidedly ultimately tragic even if the prince also "won," and/or if the prince just kept getting stuck in these stalemates and having to shatter & regain his heart in an eternal loop (thinking of how mytho sure managed to like, phase Inside the raven magically via giant swan made of light (see: my theory that although that's very [tutu] visuals, tutu is also kinda Hope Embodied in this series, and we don't quite know whether original tutu's magic powers were different from the prince's magic abilities, or how, and i like to believe that mytho Can also manifest as a giant swan made of light) which was apparently only an option after he not only regained the capacity to feel hope but kinda had an actual feeling of hope kickstarted by ahiru, who's been and continues tapping into tutu's power as being so associated with / tied to Hope as a concept in general, so he presumably couldn't've done that move otherwise).

SO we're really meandering around here, by which i mean that i am, but so it goes. my point is!!! with All That in mind, and again reiterating how i opened that last paragraph before getting a little off track as always, i was thinking that it might not be Just A Coincidence that fakir is both the reincarnation of the knight / takes on the role of the knight, AND has drosselmeyer's magic writing powers in this completely separate matter of genealogy. (also, i'm sorry, but total tangent again: i'm not 100% on the timeline of things, but i'm like, okay, the raven comes into the real world, and the prince follows it, and then we know that this real world town had like, these killer raven attacks that could disappear an infant or kill a kid's parents. and i think we can suppose that rue and fakir happen to be pretty much the same age, and rue was kidnapped as a baby, so the raven was definitely around then, and fakir's parents were killed when he was like, a young kid but definitely not a baby or even a toddler, and rue was also running around and able to dance and only knew herself as kraehe until meeting mytho and wanting to give herself another name as just a human. so like....i'm bad at estimating ages but like, what, they're at least 5 when they meet mytho? maybe more like 6 or 7. the point is, so there were raven attacks for actual Years before the prince shattered his heart? and maybe mytho was fighting the raven in that perpetual stalemate for all those years, but probably he would've aged those several years if he existed outside the story's [Paused In Time] situation but still had his heart, since it's presumably his having Lost his heart that means he has no pulse and doesn't age and, you know, has lost his memories and emotions. and if we say it was like, at least 4 years or something, and mytho's like, ambiguously sort of Older Teen, say 16 or 17, idk (he's a baby still ;m; but also a fairytale prince, so) and you supposed he aged while out of the story And that he was out of the story and fighting the raven those several years before giving up his heart, that'd mean that when the book left off, he was locked in this deadly battle for the kingdom with the main villain as like, circa 11 years old or what have you. not outside the realm of fiction or fairytales, but still....but more so than that, idk, you'd think if there was this magic storybook prince around fighting the raven/s for years, full hearted and thus with his memories / sense of self intact, people would've been as aware of his presence as that of these killer ravens, and like, actually know who he is, as siegfried, and prior to there being this guy, mytho, who only fakir and co. and rue, out of anyone else in town, realize is actually this prince from a story that exists as a storybook in their world. which, i Guess it's possible that mytho was around outside the story for years before shattering his heart to seal the raven away, but also, seems like maybe instead it was years before he followed the raven out of the story and then once he did he pretty much immediately sacrificed his heart? not that the All Realities Narrator mentions a gap between the raven escaping the story and the prince chasing after it, but a) they also didn't specifically say that this didn't happen and b) maybe it was just some like, issue of jumping between dimensions basically, i.e. from the perspective of mytho in the story he did follow the raven out immediately, only to find that from the perspective of this other world, the raven had been an issue for years and c) maybe this difference in time was so that mytho would be dropped into more of an equivalent situation as he was in back in the story, where the raven had Also already been a problem for years in that story's universe, before the point where drosselmeyer has died and the story is left off unfinished. so here's mytho now entering this other reality, where even though he himself has just shown up after having battling the raven for years In Story (and then in stasis because the story was not able to progress in its own world), and is having to choose to protect these people who have not Just been introduced to the raven's attacks, but have been dealing with it for years as something that can and has killed people, just as was the case with the townspeople back in the world of the story.)

okay i apologize to the readers and to myself, no more tangents: what if!!!! it's not a fortunate coincidence that fakir has access to the powers of the separate roles of "the knight from the story" and "drosselmeyer's descendent in this world"!!!! What If!!!!!!!!! the knight's death, rather than being truly "useless," actually still counted as a sacrifice made in the hope of protecting others, and was thusly rewarded with some form of success, as other such sacrifices are rewarded both in the story of prinz und rabe, but also in the overall story of this series, aka princess tutu, although clearly in the end the Happy Ending comes from not only these sacrifices but the characters all protecting each other so that these ultimate self sacrifices don't need to be made (thinking of how often characters talk about wanting to protect each other, fakir being motivated to try Writing again after realizing all these other characters are doing their best to protect him, mytho saying he won't Give Up Again to ahiru (also tutu....just standing here staring at the wall like blair witch style that he never seems to have known that the duck was not only the version of tutu he'd been encountering but also ahiru who he was like "hey bestie :)" to in ep 14 before getting ko'd and never knowingly talking to her again haha scream that's just. that's fine!!! anyway rue could tell him but then again like, a little late. UNLESS they can just come back and visit?? i have some sense that there might have once been plans to make a season three for the series if possible way back in the day, yknow, when said series was being released, but i only "remember" this from Maybe someone's post from that 15th anniversary event and maybe, jonathan frakes voice, it never happened) referring to his intent to sacrifice his heart again as being that "giving up"......THE POINT BEING. maybe the knight's death was a sacrifice, and according the role that such sacrifices have, that sacrifice had some positive, helpful, protecting effect, and in this case, it was that the knight's reincarnation had these Other powers as well beyond the knight's role in the story, so that this knight could do more but protect mytho some but ultimately die in the effort with that death Supposedly being for nothing, aka the fact that fakir is related to drosselmeyer is thanks to lohengrin sacrificing himself to protect mytho, even if the circumstances of his death did not appear to, and were not intended by drosselmeyer to, have any direct benefit for anyone. did the knight somehow have conscious influence over his own reincarnation, or was it more like, these superhuman forces Rewarding the sacrifice / affording the knight this new chance at fate? could be either i guess!! (and was fakir born when the raven entered that world, or prior? he was as old as he was when he met mytho, had mytho Just shown up or did he really arrive just after the raven and had been fighting all the time and it's just that, for whatever reason, nobody else knew he was there? or they did, but once the raven was sealed away, maybe other people Forgot what had happened prior too, re: the prince and the Monster Raven anyways? since while people had known about the like, regular bird form ravens who killed people, nobody mentioned the big german abstract expressionism sky blocking raven who ate hearts.....and not like there wasn't people dying back in the story despite the prince's efforts (though that was related as well to like, people Definitely knowing the prince existed, and Despairing b/c he was so epic, actually) i don't know, it could be Either Way, i'm just wondering like, was fakir born prior to a character from The Story entering that world, or after? i feel like Maybe some timeline details might've been mentioned re: when the ravens showed up, but i don't remember. although i guess it's not impossible re: this theory that he was born beforehand but is still definitely the knight, and as i type this, i remember the whole "he's always had the birthmarks that identified him as the reincarnation of the knight" element, so it's Already True that whenever he was born, that was the case, aaand also i'm remembering that lohengrin died before where the story left off, and in that story's universe, idk, maybe years passed....and i Just was talking about how maybe the timelines / passage of time are not parallel and Aligned 1:1 between worlds here, so. point is! however it shakes out, lohengrin died for all intents and purposes Before fakir was born, who Is the knight whether or not he's really lohengrin's reincarnation, which he Could be, because lohengrin Was a human who Did die. so!!!!! (it's 6am....i've been writing this for hours lol. i prommy my thoughts would've been a Little more in order otherwise. possibly)

TL;DR: what if, rather than the knight's death being "useless" and his failing to protect the prince through being killed, it still counted as a sacrifice to protect mytho, and when you consider how this Theme of sacrifice is handled throughout the series, it would be in line with everything else if this sacrifice was rewarded even if the text of prinz und rabe / drosselmeyer did not consider this / recognize this to be a "successful" act of self sacrifice to protect the prince, and that reward was the knight's reincarnation Also being a descendent of drosselmeyer with a power that would allow him to protect people without being held to the knight's fate of being killed, rather than it being a complete unrelated coincidence that fakir is the knight And a person who just so happens to have the ability to write reality, thanks to being in the same family as drosselmeyer. what if lohengrin's sacrifice let him escape his own fate down the line and this time "successfully" protect the prince without having to die before the story finishes! it wouldn't change anything in the story as we know it and i think it'd be Thematically Resonant.

#that's #princess tutu #not playable trailer (2014) or part time (job) #''time to sit down and write probably a good handful of extensive paragraphs abt this for a little while. say an hour at most!!'' #[smash cut to me typing these tags hours later. it's 6:30am. the sun is up. head in hands] #never know when it's time to think and post about this again #also i only remember so much of The Canon Lore so if there's info i missed here and mused about yknow. feel free to chime in #love how this series has so many quick / fleeting / One Time / vague / ambiguous mentions of pieces of information #so there's plenty of threads that are really intriguing and you're given enough glimpses to piece some other pictures together if you want #but nothing is really established with tons of certainty / precise in depth clarity in canon which gives you plenty of room to Interpret and #Extrapolate as we are doing here all the time #for example: lohengrin (Presumably the knight but! we don't even Know that 100% lol) was mytho's boyfriend. pensive #not to kin drosselmeyer but first of all: consider the drama of that :/ he did die tragically :/ #second of all why not. third of all: see the mentions about tutu and the knight having these parallel roles in the story and beyond it... #and third point fifth of all well clearly tutu was his magical gf spirit of dance hope embodiment... #fourth of all idk the story's all ''look any and everyone is in love with the prince. it's kind of a problem actually'' lmao #not the first person to die by the raven monster for being too in love with the guy!! apparently! #mytho's gotta end up with someone completely Not From the story b/c his other dates in the story die or vanish :/ #haha but seriously. and he can turn into a giant swan at will if his ability to feel Hope is all fired up. haha but seriously #well anyway! the point is this #everyone is always like ''wow the cringe and fail knight. way to die Uselessly 9_9'' about said knight #but what if! his death actually had this power and had a helpful; successfully protective impact on the story in a way no one was aware of #sorry for taking 10 paragraphs to say as much in there. w/the last several getting extra long....it is My Way #i am [epcot ball vine voice Mytho...] about pt lore lmao but i can still ponder other things. he's connected to all the others! bless him

[ruakichan]

Self-vent ahead!

I hate being “a creative.”

I’ve been drawing for about thirty years, most of that in fandom, and it’s utterly, hopelessly de-motivating to see that nothing has actually come from all that time. (Is this my mid-life crisis lol?)  No improvement, no following, I couldn’t even make money off my work if I tried (still living off my savings right now, for those that are aware I quit my job during the rona shutdown), no sense of lingering pride or accomplishment when I manage to squash down the loathing enough to finish a piece. I’ve watched my artist friends rightfully gain traction and blossom, while I shrivel.

All those pretty little puff pieces you see about how “work hard to improve!” have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be in the stratum known as complete banal mediocrity. You hit a wall that no amount of “working hard” can overcome: the wall that separates the talented from the hacks.

And squished right against that wall are the mediocre: good but not good enough. Only noticed because maybe they fill some niche until someone better comes along. They throw themselves against that wall in hopes of overcoming it, but never look up to see how high it really is.

A bad artist will always improve. A mediocre one just suffers diminishing returns.

My best friend, with good intentions, got me a very nice Cintiq for Christmas. He spent a lot of money he really shouldn’t have. He’s a “creative” too, so he understood some of what I was going through, and thought this would cheer me up, give me a boost. Thought maybe it was my outdated tools (over a decade old) was holding me back.

I accepted it because he was very proud of his grand gesture, but I wish he didn’t. I feel obligated to use it, to draw, to be continually disappointed, to continue to disappoint others. And on the rare occasion I do something I am pleased with the final product of, I hate it so, so very much the next day, and the masses agree, as the reception is silent.

Being an artist inherently has a streak of exhibitionism: what you draw is a reflection of your thoughts and perception of the subject matter, and when you post it publicly, you are asking for validation of that image.  Being able to appeal to a broad spectrum of people is a talent on its own: any popular meme or illustration becomes that way because people go, “yes, I can relate!” in some fashion. Empathy is incredibly important in any creative work.

But when the reception is silent, it’s hard to tell where it is you failed: the subject matter? the appeal? the skill level? everything? Do I fail at connecting with people despite being able to do it very well IRL? Is my art style just that unattractive? Is it my skill level, flat and uninspiring?

I know what I hate about my work (everything), but I don’t know what causes others to recoil from it, except to maybe give a pitying glance over but not enough to go ‘yes, I can relate!” and share it with others. So I can only assume it’s for the same reasons why I hate it: everything.

Perhaps my loathing for my art comes through in the image, which in turn elicits a similar reaction in others. I feel ‘this is ugly’ and others pick up on that and react in kind.  There’s something to be said about how people can pick up on your body language and confidence in face-to-face conversation; perhaps this is the same with art. But what about the work I do that I’m proud of, which gets even less reception?

During the initial drawing process, I do very much love art. I do like the act of ‘creating.’ I’m happiest during this point; I like brainstorming or daydreaming, doodling and laughing at my own bad jokes. But the longer I stay with a piece of work, the more critically I look at it, and the more ashamed I am of wasting my time with something that no one can love, not even me. There’s a lot of work I just never finished; there’s a lot of work I just flat out deleted from existence. I’ve been trying not to do this; try to at least post something, finish something, acknowledge that even flawed things have merit, but holy hell, it gets so depressing seeing these malformed things out there in the wild, even if no one else sees them.

When I was first starting out, I didn’t have these sort of thoughts, eagerly, lovingly drawing, proud of every single doodle, sharing them with anyone that would cast a glance my way.  When you’re fresh and naive, you don’t realize how personal art is until you get rejected enough to start to become self-aware of your own flaws: like how children can be so unabashedly carefree while adults are acutely self-conscious.

Lately, I hate admitting I draw. I don’t like sharing my art freely. Even the brief moment I got validated—being a winner in some contest for some game—I immediately wished I could take that image away so people wouldn’t see it cause I threw it together to get the participation prize.  “This isn’t representative of what I can do!”  ... but maybe it is.  After all, it won, where others I labored over haven’t.

Social media definitely hasn’t helped in this day and age, where you’re aggressively bombarded with how well you succeeded or failed.  I shut down my Twitter for this reason; it was absolutely soul-crushing to see anything I do die in the ether, because I wasn’t good enough. All these followers, but no response?   It’s better just to hide them under the bed, than look at your own failures.

So now I spend a lot of time going “why bother” when it comes to creative endeavors as I try to come to some final acceptance of my own mediocrity.

Why bother?

The images are prettier in my head.  They don’t need to be realized because I can’t convey them in a worthy manner that people would want to see. If after nearly 3 decades, I haven’t been able to surmount that wall, I need to accept that this is the end of the road.

Why bother indeed? There are many more talented, able artists to provide beautiful works.  I want to freely consume them without thinking about where I failed.  I can only look at art in areas I don’t draw in; it’s the only way I don’t immediately want to break my own hands.

Anyway, long vent, but it’s been building up since I got that Cintiq. I don’t talk about this much because people hate hearing about it. They don’t want to see your anxieties.  You have to be *~strong~* and *~confident~* as an artist, and it’s “”””””cringe””””””” to have any doubts about yourself. They don’t want to see “I’m not happy with this, but here it is” attached to something you did. They call it “fishing for compliments,” without realizing there’s a lot of baggage attached to a lot of artwork that they, as the viewer, don’t see.

That when artists post art, they are literally putting themselves up on display. They wonder where they can improve in their work, they wonder about the reaction to their art.  These things don’t exist in a vacuum, independent of each other.  Art is inherently exhibitionist.

It’s why I’m the least suited for it, and I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to go collect stamps or something. What a waste of a life.

#personal