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notesofarichlycolorednight · 13 days

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s2ep17 frozer

i think i'm just gonna list the things i liked and didn't like

i don't like how persistent and insistent adrien/chat noir is for ladybug. again, i really think it's a very scary and dangerous pattern to teach children. obviously anyone of anyone gender should respect the person they like and their boundaries, but esp teaching young boys that they need to respect young girls's boundaries and bodily autonomy (whether either of them stay that way later in life).

i did however think plagg's sad face in adrien's bag was very funny.

the creator is trying to reignite the race war between chinese ppl and japanese ppl fr /j

i'm annoyed that, like with master fu decoding the grimore, or the fact that kim swims and has a a close friend who's crushing on me, we don't get any hints that kagami fences with adrien until this episode. bc last we saw, she had been defeated and then akumatized.

i thought marinette chatting with her friends was a cute little scene, but it's kind of soured by the fact that 1) all they talk about is adrien (so it doesn't pass the bechdel test) and 2) her friends don't even listen to her when she says she thinks they're just meant to be friends

honestly, yknow, i just didn't like this episode. which is not surprise. i just didn't like the set-up or the premise. again, i think under a better writing team and creator, the love square could work. i might still be annoyed with it, but maybe i would be less annoyed if it was actually done well on a technical level.

but i don't feel any stakes or miscommunication drama. all i see is a teen boy not respecting his partner's boundaries and who doesn't listen to marinette, and a teen girl who is unable to speak to her crush at all, and barely listens to him, either. like that's just. idk basic? and it feels dumb.

once again the pacing was absolutely shot because they had to spend half the episode setting up the love square, and the introduced love interest rivals. so what does that make that? if it's a love square, and luka is connected to mareintte, and kagami is connected to adrien,,,like some sort of creature i guess. the square is the face and the off-shoots are like. ears or smth. but anyway the fact that they wasted half the episode introducing and setting up the love creature means they had to rush through everything else.

instead of like. using other episodes to establish that beforehand.

someone in a server i'm in, after reading some of my posts on this, commented that this show is like french rwby and they were so on the money with that one. like all i can think about is hbomb commenting about how they could've set up so many new characters through naturalistic storytelling and instead decided to spend half their season on a prom arc.

ml is like that but like for everything. ondine makes a brief appearance in frightingale and suddenly we're supposed to know that she and kim are so close that she confesses her love to him??? the leap the audience has to make!!!

i also just was annoyed at both marinette and adrien the whole episode bc of how they acted at the skating rink. but i won't go into that here bc i think it's more personal than an actual critique. could it have been written better, absolutely. but i don't think i would've liked it all the same.

i do feel bad for luka. it's very weird they made him the way he is. why introduce him as a potential love rival when 1) adrien isn't going to pay attention bc he will always want ladybug and 2) luka isn't even going to fight for marinette? where's the drama in that?

that does remind me tho, i did want to complain about the fact that adrien doesn't listen to kagami. like she says something and he completely ignores her! she tells him it's not his technique, and 5 seconds later, he goes, "it must be my technique." like my dude. maybe if you like. actually listened to the girls who talk to you, you'd have better chances understanding them.

and it goes the same for marinette, too. luka asks if she wants to ride the subway back together and marinette completely ignores him in favor of watching adrien leave. she doesn't even indicate she heard him. and then what does she do? nothing! she just stutters and stumbles and it goes nowhere!!

also can i just say the fact that she was like, "let's bring the whole gang next time" and then instead of listing their classmates, who have been shown to hang out together--they went to the goddamn movies last time--she lists the two they were just with, and alya and nino. which, funnily enough, pairs them off quite nicely. /sarcasm

tl;dr what is this romance doing in my superhero show lol

also now that i've started ice skating, the fact that both luka and kagami can do those moves on ice indicates way, way more practice than you would think. there's no way, based on their comments to the skating coach, that they would be able to skate that well if they did not get consistent practice. luka especially bc he lifts marinette!! adrien and marinette too. i've seen inexperienced ppl and first-timers, they are not that steady, nor that confident. even when they're with more experienced skaters. they move slow, they hang close to the wall. that was so unrealistic lmao. don't give ppl false ideas about how easy ice skating is man.

finally, this man couldn't get ppl skating?? in paris, france?? france, where adam siao him fa is from????? hello???

#chirp.txt #chirp.ml

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bibbykins · 3 years

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can u give us a glimpse into what arguing w/ the princes would be like? love ur work btw!!

You bet! I actually had something written about this ages ago but never finished it so I’ll paste it here and add some more!

Warnings: 18+ (just like my whole page and all my works are)This is where the toxicity and unhealthiness of these relationships show, manipulation, yelling, lying, mentions of sex, mentions of rough sex, mentions of various sexual acts (cunnilingus, fellatio, exhibition) I beg of you to not put up with any of this shit irl let fiction stay in the fictional world yknow? I always ramble in my fics about this but I figured I should add it here for good measure

Jin:

Where the other boys rarely ever just “argue” and it is either a fight or nothing, you guys just argue sometimes, never rlly fight

This ties back to the fierce honesty policy you have between each other, but you both are so stubborn so arguing does happen

You both usually start by saying snarky things until one of you breaks and says what is really bothering them, which doesn’t take long at all

If you cry, congrats, you automatically won bc Jin not only does not know how to deal with a woman’s tears, he cannot fathom his one true love crying

Although you usually try to continue explaining your reasoning bc you don’t wanna win by crying, you wanna win bc you’re right

Jin, similar to Jimin, respects you a lot, so the other girls seldom ever catch him acting like a clown’

His downfall is just being bad at expressing his feelings bc he thinks you just know, like you read minds or something

Jin usually apologizes by asking what you want after he forfeits his pride so if it’s a gift, he’s on it, sex? say less.

He usually prefers to pamper you for a night, not even cumming during sex unless you tell him to

You’re the one who threatens the other fellas when they’re disrespecting their s/o, intentionally or not, and boy are they frightened. You rlly have a way with insults

Yoongi:

Bickers with you, but doesn't fight and everyone does not understand how bc he’s so standoffish to everyone else

Bc your relationship has the most public eyes on it, gossip columns are floored when they cannot find flaws or rumors of fights, and most are too intimidated by Yoongi to just make them up

You both read each other like a book, so the only time anything comes up is if you don’t like what you’re reading at that moment and vice versa, then a fight might start but it is shockingly rare

If he makes you cry, the fight is over, he lost. Yes, this is a running theme among the guys bc they are all whipped dummies

Very perceptive of your feelings, so never really worries about fighting with you or you hiding anything from him

You know how to get him to fess up so it's not the worst system of communication (still not healthy in the slightest but that’s the yandere life here)

He doesn't really try to lie to you or hide anything since you're also pretty bonkers so if he destroyed someone’s career bc he thought they looked at funny, you just roll your eyes and tell him he’s silly

You are the one that Jungkook and Taehyung are terrified of (It’s just about all the hyungline gf’s they are rlly scared of)

You’re usually so bubbly and energetic, but if you get pissed off, you’re as frightening if not more frightening than Yoongi

I should add Yoongi prefers to make up by marathon eating you out, at some point, it feels like he’s getting a kick out of it, but you’re in no place to complain tbh

Hoseok:

Not a lot of fighting here tbh bc you are still healing and your talent is in deescalating situations and telling people’s feeling

Your job is literally a behavior analyst so you will just deadass be like, “I can tell you’re getting frustrated to a point where effective communication won’t be possible, so how can I help calm you down?”

Makes him go silent real quick and reevaluate everything he has ever thought or done

For this reason, he just sighs and apologizes, genuinely bc you can absolutely tell when he’s just saying it to shut you up

He is the only one that will allow you to leave (the room, not the house) not that you want to leave the building considering the dangers you know are out there

Once you both cool off, you’ll have him state what he thought about and vice versa

You give advice to all the girls on how to do this, but not all of them are brave enough to try

So you go full mama bear mediator and step in when you feel the need

You genuinely frighten these guys bc you have this innate ability to make them feel dumb as fuck

Namjoon:

No fights rlly but misunderstandings happen that makes Joon go manic

You get frustrated bc he does this instead of just talking to you, but he’s learning little by little

The moment you aren’t smiling or trying to make a light joke with him, fight over, you won, he is worried

Bc he knows if you’re not smiling, you’re almost definitely going to cry and when you cry, he cries

You actually implement Angel’s tips and see some improvement with communication as time goes on

Namjoon’s love language in making up is grand gestures, so he’ll rent out a whole restaurant, or take you on a shopping spree to an art supply store, anything that will bring a smile to your face

You intimidate the other guys when they fight with their darlings bc you keep a smile the whole time you are threatening them and holy fuck is it eerie. You usually try to distract the upset girls post-argument with a craft or fun art facts

Jimin:

What makes the relationship work are your selfish tendencies working in tandem with his more sinister ones, but it can’t always work that way

You both test each other all the time despite agreeing on almost everything because the relationship is not a fight for dominance, but control-control you usually win

The closest you get to real fighting is rough sex, most of the time you have disagreements that you resolve with conversation

It's the most “healthy” (it’s not all that healthy tbh) thing about the relationship and it blows everyone's minds, but it only happens bc Jimin has always respected you, and he genuinely knows that you don’t need him as much as he needs you

But on the extremely rare occasion there is a fight it is never in front of anyone and all hell breaks loose: screaming, yelling, slamming doors, it all seems like endless hell bc you both are too stubborn to say when you’re wrong

Until you cry

He really can't stand the sight of you crying, bc you rarely ever cry. He sees you as really tough and his whole perception of the world shatters once he realizes he’s the cause of your tears

Making up includes, you guessed it, sex. Like calling into work bc you can’t walk sex (Jimin cries during this sex bc he feels undeserving but by round 2 he stops)

The girls come to you post-argument to rant bc you live to talk shit with them to vent

Taehyung:

Rarely ever fights with you, because he absolutely despises doing so and you typically do what he says without question

But when you do fight, it always ends with both of you crying and hugging

During the argument though, he can say some seriously out of pocket shit, bc he lacks impulse control and you take that shit to hear bc who wouldn’t

The fights are nightmarish and hard to watch bc at some point it just becomes Taehyung losing his mind while you cower until he realizes how much of an asshole he’s being or until you try to leave mid convo

Bless him if he were to ever make you cry in front of the other MC’s, my guy would be ripped to shreds bc the other girls do not fuck around

Hates to ever be the cause of your tears so you both are very quick to makeup and he can spend up to weeks making up for it

I’m talking gifts, money, food, dates, clothes, he is basically your personal assistant that pays you when he feels bad

The girl’s come to you after an argument for quiet time or some cute embroidery time

Jungkook:

You don't fight often, but when you do it's disastrous bc he is wildly paranoid and you are wildly insecure

You almost always go into a panic attack, fearing he'll leave you and he immediately loses all fight in him and feels like shit

And he is absolutely crushed seeing you hyperventilate or clutch your chest while he's yelling so he just stops like mid yell will just close his mouth and take a deep breath before going to you

Immediately apologizes when it happens

Usually cries with you while he holds you

Another fella that will get torn to shreds by the other girls if they even catch a whiff of him being anything other than sunshine and rainbows to you rip jungkook tbh

He makes it up to you the same way Taehyung makes it up, by shutting his mouth and doing whatever you want, and giving you whatever you want

When the other girls get into an argument with their guy, they come to you for a hug and some quality time distraction

#ask #anon ask #seven princes of campus #yandere bts

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ssvgawara · 4 years

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Haikyuu boys and some oddly specific crime they’d commit

a/n: I come back and the first thing I write is a shitpost!! enjoy </3 tw for drugs, murder, alcohol and general crime committing xoxo

Karasuno

Daichi- he’s a cop sorry that’s all there is to it man

Suga- Suga has multiple charges of 1st-degree murder against him but they can’t seem to find his identity so he continues committing murder and will continue until he gets caught or ends up murdering enough people to be put in a position of power

Asahi- everyone is probably like “Oh Asahi is innocent” NO. He has learned that his slightly scary face will let him get away with a lot, he is buying alcohol illegally because he looks old enough to, and he’s buying so much other shit and just getting away with it

Nishinoya- This man gives fucking pimp vibes I can just see him in the big leopard print fur coat with a pretty girl in his lap and he calls himself big poppa but no one else will

Tanaka- Drug dealer vibes, probably runs an entire fucking drug ring with his sister and not just a Lil weed these mfkas have the hard shit too like you could probably buy meth from them, he’s not using it but it’s good business

Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita- They literally rob a bank they have an entire scheme and get away with multiple bank robberies and this goes on for MONTHS

Kageyama- We know he’s volleyball smart but otherwise he’s so mfing stupid and I love him for it but he is a chronic shoplifter. Just picks something up and takes it, has walked out of a store without paying for an entire bed set once and got away with it somehow so idk props to him

Hinata- He is the little guy in any heist situation, he fits anywhere so he can sneak in and out the best, he gave himself the stupid ass code name tiny giant but everyone goes with it because somehow he is the best

Tsukishima- armed robbery, but he doesn’t have a gun just a knife like he’s tall and as an attitude, a knife will get him whatever he needs he doesn’t need the gun

Yamaguchi- He runs a catfishing scheme where he pretends to be a naive girl, scams old men out of their money, and then ghosts them and I think it’s what he deserves let him carry on especially because no one would believe it’s him. Also not really like a crime crime but still a crime in a way

Kiyoko- She kills men and I know it, Queen Kiyoko ending the patriarchy one shitty man at a time like she only kills men who deserve it bc some have rights.

Yachi- She’s too anxious to commit an in-person crime so she does a lot of cybercrime, hacking government databases and releasing info to the people, truly the anonymous we deserve

Saeko- She’s running that drug ring with Tanaka, and she loves it because there’s a thrill to it even though yknow she’s dealing literal meth but like its fine plus she loves rocking people’s shit when they get too handsy, which bring me to my next point underground MMA Saeko, like the illegal one with no rules yeah <3

Ukai- this man probably sells all kinda shit to minors that he shouldn’t he is so unbothered a 7-year-old could probably walk in ask for a pack of camels and get them and leave before he noticed what was going on.

Takeda- Did y’all see how scared Hinata was when Takeda gave him that lecture? This dude could kidnap someone and scare them into giving all the information he needed, a legend truly

Aoba Johsai

Oikawa- took steroids one time. And of course in sports, that’s not allowed. But he only did it once and regretted it for months afterward. Never told anyone and was just relieved he didn’t have to piss in a cup and have someone find out.

Matsukawa- Without hesitation, I know this man takes dead people’s bones and sells them on the internet. Has dubbed himself the bone man and he feels so much power when someone buys a femur or sumn. It’s kinda funny honestly he has a hoard of bones to sell, his fave is the pelvis.

Hanamaki- He’s in between jobs because he stole money from his last job, like he said he was sorry he just needed a little extra for gas but was sad to find out that’s a literal crime and he was laundering money.

Iwaizumi- he’s a street racer, like the fast and furious style and it’s so sexy of him like late-night races ugh to be in an expensive fast car with him where he has one hand on my thigh okay that’s enough of that.

Kunimi- Look me in the eye and tell me he does not do drugs. He does and if you don’t believe me you are wrong and I will fight you on this one.

Kyotani- If there is a crime he will commit it for fun. Like he will do it with no hesitation. He has a record longer than twilight and I’m not sure how he is not in prison actually nvm he escaped and is a wanted criminal lol

Shiritorizawa

Ushijima- Assault, he just reeks of getting into bar fights when he’s absolutely wasted. Like he most likely didn’t start it but he will be finishing it

Tendou- grave robbing, he just goes into the cemetery picked the oldest plots, and gets to digging. Has made thousands on dead people jewelry and probably won’t get caught, like besides the groundskeeper there’s no security he will never stop.

Semi- he breaks copyright laws on the daily. He’s sampling music in his all the time but he’s doing it so sneakily it’s fine its what deserves stream his band on Spotify right now,

Shirabu- His bangs are criminal enough. No, but he has stolen drugs from the hospital before he just wanted to try the Xanax, and yeah he could just write himself a prescription for it nut like it’s so easy to just go get some and no report it so that’s what he did.

Goshiki- y’all want me to say arson don’t you?? Fine. He commits arson multiple times and kills 7 people with fire before getting arrested and he doesn’t even feel bad so in prison he probably fucking runs a gang he is crazy.

Nekoma

Kuroo- he is a capitalist and class traitor and that’s crime enough I don’t care is he’s attractive or rich, He commits crimes daily by just existing but I still love him anyway.

Kai- Could not commit a crime he just wants to garden and live his life. Jk there’s at minimum one body in that garden let him kill a man he deserves it just let him have one dead body

Yaku- he keyed someone’s car once just because they pissed him off. Was it kuroo? Yes. But that’s fine because he also keyed Lev’s car but blamed lev for keying kuroo’s and Kuroo for keying Lev’s. He just wants to watch the world burn.

Kenma- cyberbullying but man he is mean. Like no bars held we will dig into every insecurity he can and that shit hurts and he doesn’t even feel bad about it he will just be as mean as he can if you’re not careful

Lev- his crime is being tall and dumb also doesn’t understand the economy and prints counterfeit money because why can’t we print more money? The government should get on that.

Inuoka- He released all the animals from a zoo, like snuck in one night and just let them all free, I’m surprised the tiger didn’t eat him but hey the animals are free, there’s still some missing uh oh he’s very proud of himself for it. After the rush, he starts sneaking into shelters and freeing all the dogs and cats

Yamamoto and Fukunaga- Have egged a house before, it was Kuroo’s he deserves all this bullying and you can’t stop me.

Date Tech

Aone- Criminal Conspiracy, sure he had an entire foolproof plan to get away with the perfect crime but someone found out, and now his plans are ruined, damn </3 and no one ever suspects the quiet guy either.

Futakuchi- Having a prostitute, he just wanted some company like mans is lonely so he paid a girl to just spend a Lil time with him it’s all good.

Fukurodani

Bokuto- I know we all haha funny laugh at tax evader bokuto and sure maybe he evades his taxes but he’s also committed vehicular manslaughter, he cannot drive and has killed someone with his car maybe even multiple someones but he always drives off in a panic because he doesn’t know what else to do.

Akaashi- Hasn’t actively committed a crime but has been an accomplice in every vehicular manslaughter Bokuto has committed why the fuck does he keep letting bokuto drive? He really needs to stop that.

Konoha- A master scammer he is so convincing everyone gives him money even if they’re a little sus because he’s just that good each scheme is so convincing.

Inarizaki

Kita- He grows weed, you can’t tell me those rice fields are just for rice he’s got all this space he is growing marijuana and selling it, let him do it I want him to be my plug.

Atsumu- "What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."

Osamu- resisting arrest. He just said no and ran. Granted he shouldn’t have punched the cop in the first place to have to be arrested but like that’s not the point here.

Aran- accidental child abandonment, like he just forgot he was babysitting and left the kid alone for like a day. He felt terrible but he still forgot the kid and now is fearful of parenthood

Suna- owns an illegal weapon, like he just never registered it and keeps it around and would use it if needed Suna please just point the weapon at me maybe

Others

Terushima- Graffiti, he loves painting on the walls of buildings and tagging them, has so much spraypaint and his day isn’t complete if he doesn’t tag at least one building or train car.

Daishou- Public intoxication- he got a little too fucked up and stripped on the street he will forever have to live with everyone knowing he has an ass tattoo like damn bruh

Sakusa- Perjury he simply wanted to get out of court so he said some shit so he could leave granted he lied under oath but whatever, did they ever find out? No, so he’s fine and he’d do it again if it meant he could leave faster. Like sure he was a witness to a murder but bruh he pretends he does not see.

Hoshihumi- driving without a license he simply thought you didn’t need one because why do you need a piece of plastic to say you can drive a car like??? Just know how to drive it.

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skyphile · 4 years

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prime numbers! ((emberoops))

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

THIS IS SO SAD BUT NO...... he would DIE for a sibling, and his parents dont have siblings either so he doesnt even have cousins,,, he longs for that kind of relationship so much??

he ended up projecting being a big brother to many people over the course of his life instead, and it embarrasses him so much when he notices it happening, it makes him feel so silly

i would say the biggest tugs of that kind of dynamic rn are maybe with colin especially with all the dumb fake animosity, while adrien is almost a legit Parental/mother hen feeling of being protective of him

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

ive talked about this a bit before, but graham was the product of an arranged marriage. his grandfather made his dad marry a woman from a prestigious family so they could keep their popularity and prestige and important connections themselves, especially as immigrants in a very racist country

his parents ended up caring deeply for one another, but not in a romantic way, and his mother was extremely depressed and anxious throughout her pregnancy, and after graham was born. she was nearly suicidal and grahams grandfather was only making things worse, so it was grahams dad who basically. decided to say fuck it to his father, bring grahams mother somewhere safe, give her all the money and resources and protection she needed to get better and pursue her own life, and he was super attached to baby graham and wanted to raise him all by himself

this early turmoil traumatized graham and when he grew up it was something that made him feel othered in relation to his peers, in addition to his race, his culture, his budding gender identity and sexual & romantic orientations. it made him feel deeply unloveable, broken, and incapable of love himself, it was one of the things that made him grow up very wary of the concept of marriage, and it took a lot of vulnerability, respect and genuine care and hard work between him and his dad to understand that the circumstances of his birth were not his fault, and that this was the best solution for everyone to be able to experience their love for each other the best way possible

graham has met her several times, writes to her regularly, and he treats her like a dear friend rather than a parent. hes happy for her, her art degrees, her girlfriend, and in turn shes expressed a lot of pride and joy in getting to meet this boy she helped bring to the world

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

graham loves his dad to fucking pieces

hes such a humble, emotionally intelligent and caring man, who from early on caught onto all the outdated and damaging aspects of the traditions of his family and fought against it time after time after time

he is completely different from his own father, who had very specific plans for him, and he just foiled them all!

with grahams birth, he did the best he could raising him by himself, thwarting his fathers enduring influence, and making sure this kid had all the tools to be true to himself and follow his heart no matter what. he isnt perfect and of course he made many mistakes, but he is always humble enough to admit when hes wrong, apologize to his child, communicate his feelings and figure out solutions together. graham has always had an amazing role model in him

the circumstances of grahams disappearance and then return after the trials of his own jumanji esque adventure are still difficult for him to understand, but he still believed graham, and he was the biggest force in bringing his son back from his damaging self isolation and motivate him to cook, to live, to carry on

he still remains ever supporting and adoring of his child, adoring of his new child in law, and just an all around amazing dude

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

what pockets....

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

if theyre not horror movie or game induced, then theyre related to his period of isolation, to being trapped in an endlessly dark, silent, quiet cold place

he may see himself as he was when that happened too, close to starvation, hollow and alone

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

during the time they were in their own jumanji esque adventure, completely by himself, unaided, trapped in some reality away from his own so he could put it together and slowly solve this lock puzzle until he got to come home again

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

hes usually ok with handling himself with crises, even when theres a lot of blood

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

bunnies! lots of sweet stuffies, including rabbits, pokemon and marine creatures

his gameboy and his tamagotchi too

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

i would say his biiiiiiig repulsion/aversion to dating culture in general? this is related to his family history but is also a big consequence of his aromanticism

he has huge trouble understanding all the rituals of people jumping into commitments and weird expectations and fleeting obsessions when most of the time they dont even have a solid foundation of time, vulnerability and trust to even call themselves a good friendship, especially in people who he sees jump into the same pitfalls over and over?

ultimately he understands that his own circumstances are important differences in how people shape their relationships, but it still makes him extremely secondhand anxious, especially because in his experience as an observer rushed things and pushed expectations make for very volatile and intense disappointments that end up hurting him a lot too, and hes kinda very tired of that

nonetheless, this has made him grow distant of friends in the past, and while he regrets some of it and wishes it was easier to compromise and be more comfortable about it, he also knows that he was right about many situations and ultimately it was a better idea not to get involved and trust his gut

What does your character dislike in other people?

nonsensical violence, general assholery, unwillingness to listen, lack of consideration for others, being treated as someone useful for stuff he knows or tools he has or things he can give and then being discarded, he also feels very peeved when people sexualize him when hes talked about his nudity before and how it relates with growing comfort with his self image

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

i would say so, yes!! working on video games, pro cuddling and cooking for others are definitely pinnacles of things hes always thought would bring others joy

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

home... close to kes, taking a deep breath in their little home, with their little family, and feeling wholly, intrinsically belonging...

similar locations are for example when his dad throws a party and graham gets to invite all his best friends and everyone just has a lovely time laughing and eating together. game streams are a similar venture too!!

but at the end of the day, coming home, kicking off shoes and clothes, snuggling up to his starlight and their babies? pure bliss

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

i still dont understand what this means,,,,

he does not have honor OR status SOBS

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

oh it is a constant cycle of tremendous happiness and having to pinch himself bc hes so scared hes still in the silent cold dark alone... hes always trying to do better to keep earning this. hes a bit better about it now, he understand ppl are here bc they want to, but yknow. brain trauma still does things sometimes.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

nope! but his dad moods are soooo big now. he just wants to protect kids and be a good influence...

#ooc #headcanon #HERE WE GO....#suicide ideation #mothers ment #fathers ment #parents ment #unreality #Anonymous

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lydsfm · 5 years

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funny how i’ve had this bitch for a good year or so, began using her in january, Stopped, and have absolutely no recollection of the bg i made up for her since it’s likely in a dm i’ve lost track of SFSGFLDK so we’re starting over !! i’m gonna make this short and sweet bc dealing with three kids under the age of ten when i could’ve been wrapping this up a few hours ago took me O U T, not to mention i’m watching masterchef as i type this, but i’m kat, about to become an old hag come sunday bc i turn 22 and.. idk, i could use a glass of moscato right about now sdfjlkgdf enough about me bc you’ll see me bitching about something soon enough, so with that i’ll introduce you all to miss lydia hyunh ! stats will be up later hopefully, plots..... we’re going off the cuff with them until i cave and make one up so until then —

╰ * ✶ . ever notice lydia hyunh kinda looks like hillary trinh ? they’ve got 4.8m followers on instagram, but that’s no surprise. their instagram bio says they identify as cis female and go by she/her. they just turned twenty-one, right? word around la is they’re kinda vainglorious and nonchalant, but you couldn’t tell online. does it matter when your family’s net worth is $270m? ❪ kat, she/her, gmt-2:30 ❫

she comes from a new money family at the helm of a hong kong-based real estate development firm, but her geographical background is a tad more complex than that sijfg

not to mention her mother being a miss universe contestant-turned-supermodel who still walked the occasional runway after two kids à la the iconic 2010s victoria’s secret models, but anyways —

her dad’s a british national ( and started off as a financier, then switched to real estate, tHEN became a cfo of his own firm fdgsdklfdgfl ) as are she and her brother, so while he and his family were busy building up their company with many trips abroad, lydia, her brother and her mom hung back in london for the most part — though some of her summers were spent in hong kong or along the beaches of the mediterranean when she wasn’t embracing the countryside of her home country during term breaks

however, at age 10, she and the family moved to edinburgh so she could attend a more prestigious private school — and so they could be a bit closer to her brother who was spending time at the renowned st. andrew’s university

.. basically, i need a sister in arms when it comes to bastardized accents, so have this british bitch with a scottish twinge FDSGJSHDGFSLK

speaking of her brother, they clearly have a sizeable age gap, so while they do love each other and all that, they aren’t necessarily close. he’s primed to be something of an heir and he’s more than cool with that, while lyds is more keen on taking her time to figure out what she wants to do with her life and her parents encourage it..... not to say he was ever pressured but, y’know

all the while, mama hyunh was busy appearing on.. idk, something like america’s next top model and project runway when she could — maybe even masterchef ?? GJSFGF — trying to work her schedule around lydia by taking her with her on sick days or during the summer months

so lydia had a taste of hollywood during her early teens with these trips, absolutely enamoured, fucking gobsmacked that her mom was in the industry bc with the way they lived back home it was as if she was merely privileged as hell

connection idea right there folks !

should note bc it feels weird to glaze over it even if it disrupts the flow, but lydia ?? LOVES her mom. so much. she’s a family girl in general, but she really does look up to her mom and appreciates the little things she does to help or impress her

we’re all about wholesome family relationships here, js SLKFDGJSLFD but anyways

she keeps up this lifestyle of studying in edinburgh, travelling wherever the fuck her parents wish to take her and getting ( almost ) whatever she wants

bc if there’s one thing either of her parents put to her, it was to know her limits and to at least recognize her privilege, even if they knew she was a little too spoiled in her own way to be thoroughly humbled. sounds fake but i always thought of them as traditional hard workers who want their kids to be the same, so 😔

and with that, upon graduating and attending uni in glasgow the following fall, lydia kinda.. separated herself from some aspects of her wealth, wanting to be a normal student with some obvious luxuries bc. she can’t help herself fsdgljgdfs

especially when you have a damn model for a mom and you’re Kinda known to be her kid

and yknow what, it worked out for the most part. ofc she couldn’t hide her roots so people knew this annoying brat came from money, but they weren’t complaining bc at least it meant they had some GREAT parties bc of some loans she’d give out for the sake of having a good time herself

long story short, she loved uni, still does, but she loves the breaks even more as she’s been consistently visiting hollywood since she was 18. mama hyunh became more involved in being a tv personality now that both kids were out of the nest and her husband kept himself occupied with work ( when he couldn’t see her, which ofc is routine as he recently moved up to be ceo ), so she spends much of her time in beverly hills

so much so that lyds’ summers were spent reconnecting with her mom, and having a wild time on the side too gfsdkjgfd

this year, however, her dad decided to open an office in l.a. to be more present with his wife. and to capitalize on the market

and after hearing that.. something in lydia Snapped. ksldfgjkldf like she v quickly decided to take a break from school and stay here for a bit

which some would find weird bc really ? NOW ? when your parents are around ?? but eh....... using the excuse of “ family bonding ” to really take advantage of whatever ounce of star power she has here is fine by her LFSKDGJSDFG

probably lives with her two cousins to save her ass from being dragged

PERSONALITY AND OTHER SHIT

according to my little blurb on my p much Dead indie: “ ( upper middle class-turned ) trust fund baby who tries to downplay her privilege but usually fails; adventurous and charming, she's a soft player who likes being pursued so long as she calls the shots ”

so uh.. that hasn’t changed much GFLKSDFL

i love the ( closet ) sad little rich girl and all those classic tropes as much as the next person, but lydia happens to be one of the most unbothered chicks you’ll probably ever meet FGJKSDG

vulnerability ?? don’t know her ! she’s just here for a good time and doesn’t know anything But !

laidback af, not to mention i never saw her as particularly defensive of her status and such, and i’m sure her uni life reflected that all by itself

the fact that she’s had it relatively easy in the sense of no real trauma or family issues helps, who knows fdsjglk

doesn't mean she won't lay into you if the time calls for it, especially if you have a god complex or something. she’s of the mindset, “ you do you and i’ll do me, but act like a fool and i’ll happily remind you of it for the rest of your days, ” so it's safe to say that someone could bring out the bitch that lurks beneath if they're not careful SGFJDKLGF

can she be selfish and indulgent ?? .. yes, but does she carry herself as such ? ………. also yes, bUT not by much, which makes a difference !

LKSFDGLF jk, but she is restrained in how she displays these tendencies ( for the most part ) or else she probably would’ve gotten her ass handed to her back in uni. thank god she’s well-mannered enough

wild child ! gets around ! don’t think i need to elaborate aside from the fact that she’d rather NOT get an sti or wind up in the er over dumb shit, so there’s a sense of caution with it all

basically, she can be materialistic as hell and takes advantage of the shit she has while she has it, but she’s practical enough to know her limits or to just. know better

idfk, i feel like this makes zero sense bc i’m so drained, that this seems like it could be the setup for a m*ry s*e which..... ew, and that i’m missing a lot of extras but i’m DEAD so we’ll leave it there fdklgjsg

#╳┊: — we packin’ diamond pistols ! •「 ooc ! 」#opuintro #watch me completely overhaul this bc it's so messy and Lame DFGJFKSDL

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terryblycute · 3 years

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2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

#long post #suicide tw #negative #corona tw #idk what to tag #2020

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moony-balloons · 7 years

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Oh hey yeah I was gonna make a “what is up with me lately” post so here it finally is! Under a cut bc I don’t know how long it’s gonna be.

So! Firstly, I have a job. I work full time as a cashier at a grocery store, a major chain one BUT it’s part of a smallish franchise owned by a dude who is very nice and community focused, and we’re treated very well so no complaints on that front. I didn’t -actually- want full time for “I have no energy as it is and will not get anything done towards finding a Degree Relevant job if I am spending literally all of my energy at my current job” but my parents were not real receptive to that? So when I was interviewing and the manager asked me if I wanted full time or part time I said I’d take whatever and they put me on as full time bc boy howdy do they need people. Also honestly tbh I don’t mind making that full-time dough, could use the money to build my savings back up and start paying down my student loans faster / buy myself some of the things I’ve been putting off for forever and a day bc “well it’s not ESSENTIAL and I don’t have a job so lol”. I’ve been there for around..... 6 weeks? 2 months? Somewhere in there, and the Exhaustion from working on my feet 8 hours a day every day is reducing as my body gets used to it so I may be able to start getting things done again, aside from the small organizational irl things I’ve been picking away at bc those just make my life and my brain and everything feel cleaner. Clean is good yknow? And my mom’s house is pretty cluttered (less cluttered than her parents admittedly so step in the right direction, but lordy) so wanting my room to at least be neat is nice.

But yeah, on the topic of getting things done for job searching? The troubles I’ve been having, as always, are that I feel like 1) I need to do Everything Right Now bc I want to get a job that utilizes my degree, but that is overwhelming, so I feel like 2) I should take things a bit at a time bc that is the solution to things being overwhelming but that is Not Good Enough Or Fast Enough bc I should be there Now so as a result of those two things clashing I often just end up doing nothing? Which is even worse than moving too slowly, but? With the fact that I don’t have a clearly quantifiable end point in mind with my “I gotta learn x, y and z languages/skills well enough to be able to get a job” goal, I always feel like I am wasting time when I chip away at it bc, oh, maybe THIS skill isn’t important and my time would be better spent learning THIS instead, or maybe no one even does things THIS way anymore and it’s dumb to even learn it bc I will have to learn a different way anyway. Or other such nonsense and basically what I am getting is that my attempts to learn these things keep failing in part bc I am too damn vague and I can’t feel like I am making progress towards my goal if I can’t quantify what my goal IS, or at what pace I “should” be moving towards it. So I plan to try and.... set things up more like as if I was in school? Like give myself deadlines and homework and reading assignments and shit lmao, and see if that works. I also have to remember what the therapist said when I was speaking to him a while ago when I was first starting medication, which was.... I was having this same issue, and he asks me why I feel like I’m not moving fast enough and it’s because I feel like more is expected of me, by both my family and by society in general, and he’s like well basically fuck what they think, you move at whatever pace you can (in much nicer terms obv lmao). And I gotta like, write that on my forehead in sharpie bc that is the thing to remember, getting there more slowly than someone else is fine if that is what I am capable of and it sure as shit beats giving up and never getting there at all.

But I did have a mental health slump recently bc, well, it doesn’t feel great to have a bachelor’s degree and still be doing retail stuff, and getting turned down by countless actual tech jobs in the meantime. Being rejected by the most recent one hurt the most because it was one of those “oh we’re looking for more of a personality fit than a skills fit!” type positions, and it was an internship (a new position they were still in the process of working out even what that entailed, but even so) and they liked my personality and invited me to take a skills test...... and I didn’t complete it in time, and they were basically like uh yeah we’re gonna pass. Like, not looking as much for a skills match but my skills disqualified me anyway. And then on top of that! The weekend before last I went to help my grandpa put in his new air conditioner (he still uses the kind you have to mount in a window) and he had a nice snide comment about “6 years at [school] and all you can say is, do you want fries with that” which, A, 4 and a half years, thanks, but also B, can you not??? He’s very much of the opinion that college is a waste of time and computers are on their way out and have overstayed their welcome and I should learn a SKILL (anything that doesn’t result in physically building something with your hands is not a skill in his book) bc only people with SKILLS are useful/valuable/etc. I know that he’s wrong about that and that his “if it wouldn’t help you in the apocalypse then it’s dumb and not worth knowing” attitude is not anywhere near the norm, but the fact that it echoes the insecurities I already have about myself re: being dumb and useless just made it REALLY hit home. Bc like...... idk. I can combat my own bad things I think about myself with, well yeah, you have depression and are definitely not as bad as you think you are, you’re just looking at yourself with poop-tinted glasses bc mental illness. But if someone ELSE says it, well, clearly they must be right! Which is dumb af but that’s what my brain does. BUT after spending time with my very pissy grandpa I went over to my dad’s house and got to pet my dog a lot and Dad made burgers on the grill which was excellent (my stepdad considers himself a grillmaster but honestly tbh keep this a goddamn secret but I like my dad’s burgers better) and they showed me the house they bought, which has 4 bedrooms and would theoretically have space for me to stay with them should I ever need it, unlike their current house which is small af and causes some inconveniences if I end up having to stay the night lol. Also the new house has a fireplace and a loft area above the living room which I am SO sure their cats are gonna love.

Artwise I’m in a similar spot to where I am career-wise, which is “I would love to do a fancy finished detailed thing but I definitely won’t have the energy to actually do it to my satisfaction so I should work on just practicing little things but that is not good enough and I have to be able to do awesome cool things right now” and the fact that I don’t have a good, comfortable drawing space doesn’t help. I keep meaning to work on it and I do believe that in bits and pieces, I will, it’s just one of those things where I want to draw and then if I do start, I immediately hate it and want to stop, and lately haven’t had the energy to push through it. XD Just weh.

#basically just mentioning my job and my mental state regarding that #rambly for sure so don't feel obligated to read!

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sharing-tangerines · 5 years

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Stranger Things 3 Thoughts pt. 1

Ep like 1-3 I think

• Mike and Eleven are actually cute but hey they're kids and kids are dumb

• Lucas and Max are dating which I personally thought was unexpected but they're actually a good realistic couple way past the honeymoon phase

• Chaotic duo I stan

• Will baby I love u are you okay?

• Dustin I'm so sorry that everyone's leaving you I love u

• OH MY GOD CAN THEY NOT W THE PREDATORIAL BILLY/MRS WHEELER THING

• Nancy baby you're doing so great

• THEY BROUGHT SEAN ASTIN BACK FOR A SAD FLASHBACK STOP

• More kissing guys stop

• That's so much

• I dont even kiss my girlfriend that much not even in the honeymoon phase

• Hopper is so tired you're doing your best bud

• He looks like hes seen some shit damn

• WILL WANTS TO PLAY D&D SO BAD MY HEART IS BREAKING

• Woohoo the upside down cockblocked Billy

• WHY IS UR CAR ALL OF A SUDDEN WORNING

• Oh shit it's another billy

• I hate billy w a burning passion but dacre is hot

• Jesus fucki g christ teenagers r so dumb

• Jimothy is having the time of his fucking life

• And he has his own theme song!

• Guys the mall is kinda already there like no amount if protesting will make it go away

• Joyce's mom sense is tingling

• Steve is the best friend Dustin is meant to have

• Max is so cool I'm gay

• Equally bad advice from well meaning friends is so hilarious but also. Teenagers r dumb

• MAX HAS DUMPED LUCAS 5 TIMES?????

• Oh will no I'll play d&d w u

• Is this what sensory overload is like

• Oh the mayor guy just automatically looks sleazy and gross

• Shopping? Do you guys even have money?

• Oh that's disgusting stupid rat guts

• Billy is not having a good time

• DO U GUYS HAVE ANY MONEY BC I DONT SEE ANY WALLETS

• Oh my god teenage boys are so dumb

• WHAT DID U EXPECT TO GET WITH 3.50 MIKE?

• Do u know how like serious dumping is? That shit is heartbreaking to a teenage boy

• Oh no joyce forgot about her date nooooooo

• Yknow I feel rly bad for her whatever her name is like damn she didnt deserve it

• Also hmmmm that scene had some rly rapey vibes ngl

• Ladies that's a little manipulative....dont u think? Yeah they're dumb but dont play the boys like that

• Ok maybe they deserve it

• Boys r so dumb

• Will is the only one w the braincell now and forever. Sometimes dustin too. Actually they share

• OH SHIT HE COULD SEE HER

• Will where did u get that costume

• Will I love u pls never change

• Hopper put some pants on that towel is rly scaring me and I dont like it

• Oh my god hopper get ur head out of ur fucking ass for one fucking second

• I know u have feelings and that's fine but ur ranting is not doing u any favors

• Is max rly trying to explain sex to eleven

• Spy kids 4

• Stop being such mean friends to will he just wants to enjoy his childhood

• MAKE WILL GAY 2K19

• U guys are awful friends

• I feel like this would all be easier if u didn't need all the stuff like cant you learn how to do this without the water and the goggles and the blah blah blah

• THE BYERS MIGHT BE MOVING?

• NO WILL NO PLS DONT OHMYGOD NO WILL IM SORRY I LOVE I I WANT U TO BE HAPPY

• What is with the gang breaking into people's homes

• WILLS STILL CONNEXTED TO THE MINDFLAYER GODDAMMIT

#stranger things #mey takes notes during films

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jess-oh · 6 years

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Reflection

I’m pretty tired but I just showered so I’m feeling better now. I do really want to write this before going to sleep tonight.

I’ve been getting a lot better at sleeping earlier and getting everything done much sooner! Working on the first floor is always fun. But, since I don’t stay up as late anymore, I don’t get as much done and I feel like I’m procrastinating. Like if I just stayed up tonight, I could knock my graphic design hw out of the park but then I would be really tired at church tomorrow. And I do want to pay attention and better develop my relationship with God. I actually didn’t get depressed today though, which is gr9. Overal, today was a pretty good day. I hope I’m not just rushing into things tho.

I woke up around 7am but decided to push myself to go back to sleep bc I could and by 9am, I was up and ready to start the day. So I waited about 40min for Sam to rejoin the living before Skyping him. We discussed games and settled on what to do. I was trying really hard not to micromanage and make him do what I want to do and just be okay with his decision. I trust his decision. Also, yknow, if it fails, I can blame it on him since it was his call. But I know I shouldn’t. If the second game fails, I should be the one to take responsibility and figure it out. Not him. Sigh. Anyway, I was a little frustrated this morning bc Rhyarna didn’t wake up in time and Emily and Eliza were taking their sweet time to get ready. But I also didn’t plan it super well so I didn’t say anything. I was partly to blame. I should’ve checked the transportation times before today and told them that we’d be leaving ten minutes earlier instead of 11;30, when the bus would be arriving. So it was really my fault, not theirs. And we were about 8min late but that was okay. The apartment in Hyde Park was super nice and I was surprised to like it so much. I was prepared to just say we were just looking around but they’re actually willing to secure the apartment for us until June 1st which is amazing. After going over utilities, renter’s insurance, and all that jazz, the living expenses aren’t actually too bad! I think I could handle paying for my own utilities along with groceries for a while. And my parents are okay with paying for my rent each month. It really just comes down to Rhyarna. And I know that it’s a process but I really hope she decides soon bc I really want to live there. It would be so much fun living off campus in my own apartment. I’m actually adulting! It’s exciting! And I hope I’m not being too eager! I should probably look for work elsewhere as well bc I won’t be able to work the whole time over the summer since it’s an on campus thing. I would want to but I don’t think any shifts will be available. I sure wish I could tho. I definitely need to start saving money now. It would take me about 13 weeks to reach a thousand dollars if I took out 20% of my paycheck everytime. Which is actually almost the whole semester... And even though we get a lot of money back during the second month, that’s basically all my money for the first two months right there. Well, no. Because my parents would be covering that. And yeah, with that money it would be the admin fee, move in fee, renters insurance, etc. But still, I think I could live off of $1000 for a couple months. Maybe not until October though since we usually have to wait a month before the money starts to roll in...hm.... Usually, groceries are going to cost me ~$60 every couple weeks. I could probably get away with $30 if I really tried to budget. And in that case, I could save more money sooner. I need to be able to last 4 months off of however much money. And if it was just groceries, that’d probably be okay. But I have to think about furniture too which would be a big chunk of it right away. Hm, maybe moving in so early isn’t such a good deal after all. Unless I keep working and find a different job, at least for over the summer while I’m in Chicago? That would definitely help me a lot. Well, I should definitely start saving at least 20% of each paycheck now. and we’ll see if i can find a job over the summer. i would work now but i dont want to overwhelm myself w/ 20hrs at work rn on top of school. i should ease into that if i want to work even more so that i still have time for hw and my church activities. But I think I’ll be okay. Hopefully. I also want to still buy birthday gifts for my friends this year so that may be an issue later on. Even rn, I’m thinking of going back to my sub of the day lifestyle bc i want to get Jeanne&David a gift now but by the time I get paid, it’ll be too late. So I have to use the money I have rn. Imma be broke, real fast. I should’ve taken better care of it. I am taking care of myself a lot more this year but I’m slowly realizing how expensive it is. It makes me almost regret it.

Anyway, Hyde Park was really nice and all the while, I texted Andrew when I could and it was really nice. He was just venting about Emily and how he’s moving on and I’m really happy for him. It was nice to see him so excited. Or I guess emotional is a better word? He claims to be a really chill guy and he is but I’m also so happy whenever he allows himself to have emotions. To feel anger and frustration and joy and sadness and everything in between. It’s okay to be an emotional person. That’s what makes you human. And I was really glad to be talking with him. And I know I was pretty pessimistic towards Emily in the past but I’m really trying to be more optimistic now and give her the benefit of the doubt instead of always immediately assuming the worst and encouraging Andrew to do the same. By the way, I don’t think I could ever tell him that I liked him in a crush sort of way. It would change everything. And not necessarily bc we’re friends and that’d be weird but bc I discovered that he’s a really emotional person and I don’t want to mess with him like that. That’s just shitty and he doesn’t deserve that. Especially right now. Also, I kind of liked how the other day I was in the middle of typing a message to him but never sent it. It was a good reminder so I purposefully did it again last night. It was something along the lines of, “I’m happy for you and I don’t want to take that away from you so I don’t want to say anything to you.” But when I was so excited to reply to him today, I ended up just deleting that immediately and almost regretted that I didn’t actually write it down. But I am pretty sure that it was along the lines of that so I’m glad that I got to document it somewhere to look back on.

But after that, we traveled up to Bucktown and were a bit intimidated by the apartment. It was really nice but a little too nice. I don’t think we were ready for it. It even had an upstairs. It straight up felt like a house. It actually had a laundry room and everything. And while the price was doable, I think we were all a bit scared. And plus, the tenants are looking for someone to move in by March 1st anyway which is a bit too early for us so it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. But it was still nice to check out and understand the different neighborhoods a bit better.

After that, Rhyarna and Emily hung out while Eliza and I went back to the dorm. Oh, we also ate at McDonalds and played on a playground after the second apartment. That was actually so much fun just being able to let go and feeling like a kid again. Being unapologetically dumb, haha.

But yeah, Eliza and I went home and she knocked out while I chatted on the phone a bit with my sister and then doing more research into the apartment. Then, we went back out to Hyde Park along with Rhyarna’s roommate and just explored the area. I did feel like I was going out of my way to be witty and funny that night but it was still a fun experience nonetheless. And plus, her roomie actually had a wine opener so I finally opened the bottle and drank with my friends. And then I decided to give the rest to my roommates so that they could take it away from me. Which I think was the right thing to do. But I also wasn’t living the most Christlike today which I do regret. I kept trying to fit in and be cool by cussing and saying I casually drink and using the Lord’s name in vain and I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry. I was definitely aware of what I was doing and saying and how it was wrong but I continued anyway.

I do want to continue to be more open and accepting of who God is and really embrace that but I’m not there yet. I did pray long and hard about whether or not I should become a member at Lakeview and God gave me multiple signs that I should stay and commit. But at this point in my life, I am still hardcore struggling to rely on Him instead of myself and that makes me feel like I’m not quite ready to make that step yet. But maybe that’s moreso serving next year with Lakeview. And I haven’t really had time to pray about it either which is unfortunate but that’s really my own fault. Aside from not having a great outlet so I can just pray, I also think a part of me is afraid of the answer that God is going to show me. And I honestly don’t know which possibility I’m more scared of. But that’s where I’m at right now. I think I’ll take the forms to church tomorrow and be ready to give them to P. William but who knows if I’ll actually move forward with it. We’ll see what happens tomorrow.

#reflection

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