#wish i could go back and change things

[euaindatenhosonhos]

i had a friend .

i once had a friend, a very close one. they helped me in unimaginable ways. i can even say they helped staying alive, since they were there for me in my darkest time. that's why it hurts me to realize i lost them, forever. i trust them the most, even then they went behind my back and did something that broke my heart. i was so mad, i was so angry, all i could think of was the pain i was feeling for what i felt as a betrayal. they put their desire first and my feelings for last. they forgot what that meant to me, what they meant to me. and i overreacted, of course, i always do that when i'm hurt. but the funny thing is what hurt me the most was their silence after they found out i already knew about what they've done. they could've just keep talking normally to me, as always, but they didn't. they just ghosted me and that... that not only hurt me, but also broke me. what really makes me mad about this situation is that i lost a friend. i lost a friend that i truly needed and all for nothing. now neither of us can't go back. i don't hate them anymore, but they probably do. the problem is... i need a friend like them right now and i got no one else like they were.

#lost friendship #hurt #missing #empty space #no longer friends #betrayal #rage #falling apart #heartbroken #i miss a friend #i feel lonely #wish i could go back and change things #i wish i told them the truth #i wish they didn't hurt my feelings

[thefrsers]

requested by @ashmarie1687: Broger visiting Lallybroch in 7.05 + flashback of Lallybroch in 1.12 with JamieClaire welcoming the tennants comparing the grounds from 1743 to 1980

#outlander #outlanderedit #1.12 #7.05 #requestsedit #@ashmarie1687 #jamie fraser #jamiefraseredit #claire fraser #clairefraseredit #jamie x claire #brianna mackenzie fraser #roger mackenzie #broger #gifs #mine #so so sorry this took forever to get up #i may have deleted my original one and decided to change it up a bit asldkfjsdf #but anyways this parallel made me tear up a bit :') #wish we could go back in time to when things were good and everyone was happy and thriving on Lallybroch #THANK YOU for the request xx

[civilization-illstayrighthere]

do you ever think about how johnny silverhand served in the second central american conflict and deserted and came back home to a public that was openly and viciously blaming deserters for the dissolution of the united states instead of the gang of four and corporations that led to the country’s demise and so he released a solo album called sins of your brothers that detailed the horrific treatment of soldiers from being given hard psychoactive drugs to untested military-grade chrome that caused cyberpsychosis and with its release swayed the public opinion into realizing that the veterans themselves and especially the deserters were not to blame and then johnny dies in the tower and then fifty years later in sixth street territory especially you can overhear night city NPCs talk about how much they hate the deserters of the unification war and that everything johnny sang and fought and died for was all for nothing or are you normal.

#johnny silverhand #cp 2077 #cyberpunk 2077 #cbp2077 #cbp 2077 #cp2077 #cyberpunk 2020 #come. take my hand. we are going to analyze the lore of cyberpunk together. #listen. i love fandom. i love to ship things too! but sometimes i wish. we could go a little deeper. you know. #dont u wanna lie in your bed kicking your legs #thinking about the Vietnam parallels and the rise of the traumatized soldier figure in that wake in media from the late 80s onward #wouldnt you like to have a lively back and forth debate about how silverhand as representation of that figure #has changed in the face of the gulf wars and more recent conflicts and— #wait why are you walking away come back

[puppyeared]

Ever since I was a little girl I always knew I wanted a butch twice my size to call me a good boy

#it hasn’t happened yet but I think it will fix me once it does #Im not much of a boy or a girl or anything and I gave up trying to put a name on it. but I really like that phrase #its weirdly pleasing and I wish I had more situations where I could call myself that…. sigh #I noticed that whenever I do smth like look both ways before crossing the street or hold the door for someone #I find a little voice in the back of my head praising me like wow!! good job!! you’re such a good boy!!! #idk what that says abt me but im not complaining. I am a good boy #I hope everyone is having a good week!! and if not I sincerely hope it gets better and the weeks to come #im updating my blog again for fun ^_^ #so far I’ve updated my header icon and text color but since im on the bus rn I might go back and change things when I get home #I also saw someone walking across campus wearing nothing but a t shirt and shorts in -15 Celsius weather #yapping

[thehappiestgolucky]

Hornet my beloved,,,

#hollow knight #doodles #hk hornet #hk ghost #hk herrah #god i’ve been having her thoughts lately #do you ever think about how much she must regret? how long she must’ve been internally thinking - about how she had to fix this? #that she didn’t spend nearly as much as she wished she could’ve with herrah. not knowing she would’ve lost her so quickly. how could she- #-as a child could’ve known? now she can’t #how much does she resent her father? for her circumstances? for the flawed plan that left her with a dead kingdom that a sense of duty and- #-loyalty compels her to protect. do you ever think that she wishes she could go back in time? to change things? #how touch starved is she? how much does she wish to be vulnerable. to have a family that she can let her guard down around. how much she- #-repels it. because vulnerability gets you hurt #getting hurt gets in the way of your duties. how many times was she alone. injured. with only her thoughts as company #i care her so much #the fandom does her dirty. you know what i’m talking about. she’s so much more interesting than just being ‘the main female character’ #she deserves that absolute world. and yet all she got was pain and trauma….

[not-exactly-laborious]

I got my Instagram hacked for the shits and giggles (AGAIN) and I don't think I'll get it back this time gamers.

If you see me posting crypto bullish you know what's up.

#honestly i wish I could get it back just to delete the whole thing. god Instagram is so useless in helping their users. i am so mad #here I go changing all my passwords again. fuck you.

[arionawrites]

sometimes i wonder if my favorite memories are someone else's worst. the weight of perception can easily warp reality as a whole. i hope there were days where my family and i felt happy at the same time. i hope there are memories we all wish we could relive together.

#there are many things that i have now that i would not trade for the world #but i often wish i could go back in time for a day and live with my older sisters again #maybe one last childhood dinner with all of us at the table together could change things #most likely not but i'd like to hope that it would

[definitelynotshouting]

had a thought. in social species, avoiding getting isolated from the group for an extended period of time is a survival instinct. hunger au grian's implied to have been basically not socializing during his time kicked from hermitcraft, just running and occasionally ducking into some random server to eat and hating himself for it. that's probably not helping his eating disorder situation, if on some level he's associated eating with being kicked out.

Oh yeah for sure :(( i think abt this a LOT, about the isolation he went through during that period before the search party found him. That was almost a full year of not really talking to anybody, never seeking close contact, deliberately keeping his distance except for the few times he snuck somewhere to feed and do the bare minimum to keep his code from falling apart. And eventually, he gave up even doing that, and took to the in-between to just. Move. Keep moving. No real focus, no actual destination in mind. For a very long time, it was move forward or die, and when he finally detected that the search party had tracked him down, he realized he'd only been delaying the inevitable and made a decision about it.

It kinda breaks my heart, ngl. To be so lonely and scared and knowing in your heart that you're living on borrowed time. To run as far and as fast as you can against the inevitable, out of pure desperation and stubbornness. In the fic, i mention that Grian considers getting kicked out of Hermitcraft as a death sentence, and that wasnt an exaggeration. He knew. He knew, deep down, from the moment he got kicked, that this was only going to end one way. Grian's a master of denial, yeah, but you can only look death in the face for so long before you realize it's been here the whole time.

His return to Hermitcraft in particular is gonna delve into this. It's gonna delve into a lot of things, tbh, but his isolation very much changed him. It's gonna be a long road, recovery-wise, with lots of set backs and non-linear healing. And, quite frankly, he may never truly be the same!! It'll be up to all of them to successfully reach a new normal together, once they actually get to that point in the narrative❤️ ;;;

#shouting speaks #asks #grian #watcher grian #hermitcraft #hunger au #THIS WAS A BIT OF A SOMBER RESPONSE SORRY ANON #i have. feelings abt this tbh #smth abt the inherent grief of being irrevocably changed #smth abt going through trauma and wishing you could go back and knowing that you cant #the frustration of navigating uncharted territory in your own mind #the old is new and the new is old and nothing makes sense and the only thing you can do is sit with it #i dont see a lot of fics really go into how UGLY healing is. how exhausting. how utterly GRUELING it gets sometimes #its always something. and if it isnt that then its something else. and you just have to keep moving forward no matter what #but anyway yeah. this fic is not going to be very glamorous wrt the healing. its gonna suck man. but ultimately it will be worth it❤️ #and that i think is what matters #txt

[skrunksthatwunk]

went back to the sketchbooks around when i was going through yyh for the first time in 2019 and found a pile of near-yearly sticky note updates about my relationship with the series next to my first yyh doodles, a page full of kuwabaras. thought it'd be fun to share

+ more thoughts and old yyh art below

(it's crazy i didn't find any kurama-centric pages for months bc i think he's the one i doodled in the margins of class notes and stuff the most. his hair's pwetty and he gives me the least trouble outta any of the main 4)

something i noticed while skimming the two sketchbooks i took these from was how mean i was to myself at the time about my art. i guess it hit me more because i don't really spend hours going through my old sketchbooks over and over to track my progress and growth like i used to quite often. i guess it was only a little after when my self esteem was lowest (8th grade, tale as old as time), but... idk. i knew back then that i'd grown a lot in the few years since i started drawing more seriously (that's why i looked through my art so much), but like... i guess that never translated into being nice to myself about it. i ended up going back through about ten more sketchbooks to find more yyh art, and in the coming years i'm glad to say that negativity in the margins went away. hell yeah

but even so, my love for yyh was a constant and effusive thing, as it is now. it's probably the oldest of my current media interests. i watched myself get into rgg and develop my ocs and watched others fade in and out, watched my style loop back on itself and go all over the place, passed by pages of writing about crushes and album releases and gender discoveries and my grandparents dying, all surrounded by little drawings of the characters i love. including kuwabara in a maid dress right next to my dead grandma grief rambling that one time (no i'm not kidding. my grandma died in like late 2020 and the page where i poured my heart out after finding out she was gone just trying to process everything had one with catboy maid dress kuwabara directly opposite it, who i'd drawn like the evening before she died in her sleep. he killed my grandma from like 100 miles away he was that powerful. that wasn't even the last time i drew him like that and i don't even care about catboys or maid dresses much. i think it was just a bigger meme and he was the guy i most associated with cats. i put that man in a situation and he fucking got her because the book couldn't contain him. some victor frankenstein shit. anyway)

i took about 150 pictures, most with multiple sketches. i decided not to add any more though bc 1) i posted some of them on old accounts but i don't remember which ones, and tbh i value my anonymity a little too much 2) All Of The Pictures Turned Out Bad in ways i don't feel like getting into but just trust me it's like 6 layers of fucked up illegible image bullshit 3) i found it hard to narrow it down to things i felt were indicative of the development or interesting or anything like that. idk. i figured it was an interesting exercise for me and it probably wouldn't really mean anything to anyone else. and that's ok :) it was nice anyway. i mostly mention it to be like Oh My God i've drawn these guys a lot and i STILL don't know what i'm doing... :| it's fun

however i did transcribe the notes i left:

7/9/19: yo it's been less than a week & i'm on ep. 80 wtf i love this show

8/14/20: 1/2way thru my 3rd watch (first dub, first [with older sibling]) & honestly still love it & kuwabara being the first one i drew makes me happy

7/28/21: i'm watching it w/ [younger sibling] now! 4th(ish) watch, 2nd time through the dub, which is so much better than the sub really elevates the text. we're at the semifinals of the DT, which means this is technically my 5th time through yyh up until that point but eh semantics anyway i still love & obsess over yyh! <3

1/14/24 (present day): hey, i'm rewatching yyh for the.. idk 5th or 6th time. still love it & never stopped. now i'm writing fic & drawing & posting about it. i have friends i talk to about it. [both siblings] have seen it. so much has changed, and so little, but it made me sad seeing how much i insulted my own art. i love you 2019 me. god knows you needed it

[+ this drawing]:

anyway. forever fornever. if you even care

#that's all. just kind of a personal post i thought was neat. skrunklore #skrunkart #yyh #yu yu hakusho #you can really feel the 14 y/o in a lot of the little notes and stuff but that too is part of the growth and change im trying to celebrate. #ripping my fingernails off about it but it needs to be done #also the hearts are because they love each other. and also me in like a cheering you on kinda way #ok more lore but around jr year i started feeling like my art was getting worse or at least stagnating and i kind of wished i could go back #to the era where a lot of that art is from bc there were little things i was better at and also bc i was much more prolific and adventurous #and while i'm sympathetic to it looking back after another couple of years it's like nah. no i was still growing i was just too close to se #like i'll be like oughh i haven't grown at all in years >:(( and then i'll look at the art i made over the course of 2023 and go oh nvm lol #some of it was more 'getting back into the swing of things' + traditional and tech issues being resolved but there was also growth #there is also stuff to be proud of and there always is and there always will be. that goes for you too reader #no matter what your art does or does not look like. i guess that's part of why im posting this too #part of what got me into visual art was seeing how people's art changed (sketchbook tours). it's cool and seeing that learning process so #well preserved and so easily analyzed kinda activated something in my brain. i think it got me past a lot of the 'im just not talented' #stuff a lotta ppl have that keeps them from drawing or sharing it or whatever. anyway art's cool i love art. gonna go draw now probably :D #ALSO really funny watching the way i drew myself change. all in ways that make sense but still funny to me. long hair glasses girl you'd #probably keel over if you saw what we look like now. hell yeah

[zippers]

lol my mom is obsessed with the show what we do in the shadows and it's making me miss my ex so much...!!

#breaking up with them was the right thing to do but gosh the last relationship i was in made me realize what i gave up... #i mean breaking up with them is what caused me to go back to therapy which has been life changing... imma new person... #and i wish i could get to know who they've become 😭😭😭

[raeofgayshine]

I wish I could go back and tell younger me that I would in fact find that place one day full of people that I adore deeply and who I know love me in return. Who make me feel wanted and cared for and appreciated in a way I never thought would be possible. And none of it required hiding, or forcing myself to be a person I’m not. And I still have that space even though I’m aroace.

For the first time ever, I see a future where I’m not alone. And I wish I could go back and tell my younger self it would happen. It’s possible to not be constantly lonely.

#ravenpuff rambles #I’ve been lucky enough in my life to make amazing friends several times #several of whom are still in my life now #but it’s only been recently that I’ve felt like I truly found my place #I don’t know how to explain it #I guess up until now I have always gone into friendships expecting them to end and holding back just a little bit #and this is the first time I don’t feel like I have to run because I don’t feel like these people are going to leave me #maybe it’s just because one of them is also aroace and we’ve talked a lot about those similar feelings of being left behind #never had someone quite get that before #and maybe it’s just I feel more willing to open my heart #admittedly this group of ours went through some shit together and that’s how the friendships really started forming #and so maybe that helps #but it’s like #Have you ever met someone who is so much like you in so many ways that its like the joke of ‘ #‘can I copy your homework?’ ‘yeah just be sure to change it so no one knows’ #It’s a weird thing of feeling so completely and totally seen by somebody sometimes without having to say a word #anyways #I’m really happy with this little place I found and I wish I could tell younger me #and also tell xem that no it doesn’t look like a fanfic dream #no im not their person but yeah they’re kind of mine but that’s okay #its nothing and everything like I always thought of #and for the first time in my life I don’t feel a crush sense of loneliness #yes I wish I could see them in person #but I can be okay with everything I do get

[wildesqdreams]

my roman empire is what would have happened if i never moved when i was six. i know that i would have been happier, also my family. our friends are there, and every time they come to see us, i get sad when they leave because they are my family, too. i feel so out of place most of the time here, and i know in my heart that everything would have been better if we hadn't moved.

#wildesqdreams #i want to cry #i wish i could change things #i want to go back in time #this sucks #roman empire

[derpinette]

any Beautiful Women roaming this earth right now feel like buying me any of these books to support homosexual women living in the third world's rights. please. Please

#jo-kin... #the first time i came across her works was i think in 2017 on infinitychan's GirlTalk as reaction images which got me curious #literally changed my life i felt so seen like the hair pulling for instance like I HAD A BALD SPOT TOO i had no knowledge of trich #before that point so i thought it was just another one of my freakay quirks & i was liek o_O &+ her self harm + relationship with her mothe #her relationship with herself & socializing ETC ETC amongst many other things #&of course most of all her outlook on sexuality. i was 12 when i first read MLEWL & i have since read it at least 20 more times minimum #thank god i read it so young because there was so so much that i came back to as i grew older. it was the first lesbian book i ever read to #i am seriously Forever grateful #i sincerely with all my Heart wish the author well in her life God knows she deserves it #i can do with the french edition because the titles are subtler so i can have physical copies without outing myself #i wish i had more monies because the website i took this screenshot from has a shop that is in my bus route #so i could go pick it up But i am a poorfag. unfortunately. #hopefully by my next birthday i have enough money to get at least One.......I HOPE....... #i am financially dependent BTW so it is not really up to me but maybe O_O i get lucky or something

[fox-guardian]

i am asking you about the stoker swap au. 👁👁

there's many a post discussing it in the "stoker swap au" tag on my blog if you want more info but basically danny survives his would-be strangering and goes on to work at the institute while tim remains at his publishing job, stressed that his younger brother is working at said institute after having lied about his qualifications and also as he learns more and more about how unsafe the place is to work at. it's a fix-it fic i'm in the process of writing but idk if it'll be posted but i do post art of it occasionally.

#fg's answers #asks #tma #stoker swap au #i wish i thought about the au more so i could Write It More #because i like it!! it's fun!! but it's a long fic and it's so hard to write something that long.... #i could post the current chapters but then i'd feel bad because We're Still In The Early Days. i'm establishing the new dynamics #and also Danny's Character In General #we're in research days it's not even s1 yet #so little has happened and idk if i'd wanna go back and change things #aaaa #long-winded writers rise up im. suffering. help.

[kn11ves]

emotional support group for autistics who got called condescending and rude as kids just for responding to things directly and still not knowing how they were being mean

#what did i do #i got constantly told by my mother and step father (and his family) that i always talked like i knew better than they did or that i was #just as mature. i was just fuckjng talking what the hell did you want me to do #why do you feel attacked when a 10 year old speaks to you as an adult????? literally what #i dont know on that note sometimes its just like i dont even feel like ive aged at all #sure i have a giant explosion of time in my head just Gone from my memory because i was getting abused but like i dont feel like ive aged #or really matured ive felt like ive alwats felt #i cant relate when epople are like me when i feel all my ages or i wish i could go back to being x age or being x age everything felt so #different..like no it didnt. or im missing something? #i have never in my life felt like anything has changed. ive always been this old. there is no ''inner child'' and ive never had childhood #innocence or a nostalgia or childhood to go back to. i have no idea what any of you are talking about ever👍 #ugh jst rmemebred skmething that happened with my white step dad's mother #we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i #doing? i was reaponding to her by saying ''yeah'' and she kept repeating ''yes'' like telling me to say yes instead of yeah and i didnt #Fucking Get It because guess what you old white cracker i barely fucking speak english and you are just saying things in an aggressive tone #like thats gonna make me get it. and i Didnt i just kept replying yrah to her yes's and then she got tired of it and we left out the door #and theeeeen i got yelled at in the car by being called disrespectful and rude by my parents. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO????????? #those crackers never liked me LOL i literally know they didnt #ugh i rmemeber this one time my step dads father was like trying to show me some dumb boxing or karate or something punching move and he #told my mother that i was good at it because he felt i had a lot of aggression and then NY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IN THE CAR FOR IT?????? #oh fucking wonder why te kid being abused mighthave aggression but she didnt Know (apart from what She was doing to me) like why would it #be my fucking fault if he thought i had aggression in me HOW IS THAT MY FAULT WHAT DIDBI DO I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE MOVE BECAUSE WELL #I WAS TRYING TO GET ALONG BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO #she was like do you know how much that embarassed me and WHAT THE HELL HE SAID IT I DIDNT I WAS LIKE #8??? OR SOMETHING???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME #mothers when they mother👍

[gauloiseblue]

Reading the old comments in your AO3 inbox does feel like visiting the grave of your dear friend, huh

#like. I used to love the characters too #but everything has changed. and I can't go back to where I'm used to #I'm sorry that I disappointed you by not continuing the series. but I can't write like I used to #and I'm sure you've changed too #I wish I could finish them. but I fucked it up by setting an unrealistic standard to myself #and that just burns me out #but thank you for your comments. they're the only thing that keeps me going tbh