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greater-grief · 9 months

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tw : allusions to sa

"just say no."

but they take no as a challenge.

they take no and make me feel guilty for it.

they take my no and turn it into a yes.

i did all i could.

i said no.

i told them to stop.

i tried to move.

i tried to distract.

i did it all.

so what, pray tell, am i supposed to do when my 'no' doesn't work?

it's never "just no".

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greater-grief · 10 months

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last night i cried in your room.

you held me, gently rubbing up and down my arms, but my tears wouldn't stop.

my head tucked perfectly under yours as teardrops filled my glasses.

you kept asking me if it was your fault, making me promise that i'd tell you if it was.

the desperation in your soft voice broke me.

you wanted me to speak, to soothe your worries thus soothing mine too, but i couldn't.

all my words died on my lips coming out as nothing but an exhale of air.

you don't deserve this.

i am a mess of human emotions that come out at the most inconvenient of times.

i can't comfort myself nor you with my words.

you deserve so much better than i can ever aspire to give.

last night i cried in your room.

tears fell from my cheeks staining your tshirt.

whispered one sided words filled the space between us.

you deserve better than someone who can only cry.

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greater-grief · 11 months

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i wish i had the words to tell you how i feel.

how much i love you.

how much you mean.

how important you are to me.

but it's all new to me,

the words get stuck in my throat, choking me.

so i just hug you tightly and hope you get what i mean.

i pray to the god i don't even believe in that you know.

somewhere deep down you know.

i hope you always know.

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greater-grief · 11 months

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to z,

it wasn't your fault.

it never was. nor will it ever be.

you were a kid.

kids deserve happiness and love yet you got none of that.

still, here you stand.

i know that hurt little child still lives inside you and no matter how much you try to push him away, you can't.

because he is you.

you are him.

and i know you hate that but with time you'll love him too.

you are not the monster you think you are.

in fact, you aren't even close to it.

you give so much to the world and the people you care endlessly for and ask for nothing in return.

it pains me to see because you think you are so simply replaceable,

so easily forgotten.

but i think for the rest of my days i will remember you and the time we've spent together.

i've never met anyone like you and i don't think i ever will again.

unfortunately i think i could scream this all off the highest peak and you still wouldn't understand it.

but i pray someday you do.

even if we aren't in each others lives when you do.

you are light.

you are love.

you are all that is good in the world and much more.

you just have to see it.

because everyone else already does.

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greater-grief · 11 months

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i lay here, with you in my arms.

the moonlight from the window perfectly illuminates your frame.

your breathing has softened, and your body has leaned into mine.

this would be the most heavenly way to die.

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greater-grief · 1 year

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"will you be my girlfriend"

i blindly told you yes.

knowing full well when i leave, to continue my life, i will have the heartbreak of my life.

because, though it was short, i love you.

it's stupid. it's naïve.

it's a young lovers mistake.

but for now, i will share the sun with you.

for now, i will lean into your touch.

for now, i will hold you as if you'll disappear.

because ultimately, you will.

and i will too.

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greater-grief · 1 year

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we're just strangers.

strangers with history.

strangers who've met each others parents.

strangers who've screamed their love to the stars.

that's all we are.

strangers.

yet, when i hear your name my breath still hitches.

when i see the forgotten clothes you left at my house, i hold them closer than i ever held you.

when i find your old love notes, tattered from being unfolded and folded over and over, i can hear you reading them to me.

through all that, you'll still forever be a stranger to me.

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greater-grief · 1 year

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“I’m with you. No matter what else you have in your head I’m with you and I love you.”

— Ernest Hemingway

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greater-grief · 1 year

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what i hate you for most, is that you made me care.

you made me care about the simple things.

whether it would be sunny or rainy.

whether it my shirt was wrinkled or not.

whether my hair was straightened.

whether i put on makeup or not.

and if i do put on makeup, how much i put on.

you made me care about myself.

whether or not i brushed my teeth that day.

what perfume i wore.

if i took my medication or not.

you made me care about myself so i could be just right for you.

you made me care for myself like you cared for me.

and now,

now i don't care about any of it.

that's what i hate you most for.

that's what i miss you most for.

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greater-grief · 1 year

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it's getting bad again, my dear.

i've realized i don't know how to care for myself without you.

i continue to live without you, but i'm not sure if it's really living.

i miss you.

i wish i didn't, but i do.

how am i supposed to do this without you?

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greater-grief · 1 year

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i don't love you anymore.

i repeat to myself like a mantra.

my friends talk about how awful you are and i nod in agreement. tell them i know i deserved better.

but when i drive on the street that leads to your house i look for your car.

when i drive to my house i think of all the conversations we had while you took me home.

i sit in the driveway and think of us talking and dreaming.

i see someone swerve slightly on the road and think of how you did that because i'd be messing around in the passenger seat.

i sit on the porch of my house and remember how we sat there and drank sharing our secrets.

i sit on the couch and think of our last drunken conversation.

i lay on my bed and remember exactly how it felt to hold you as some song played in the background and the way you hummed to it.

i pass the dog park and remember going there with your dog and talking about what dog we'd get in our future.

i go to the coffee shop and think of the table we sat at. the one you sobbed at while we broke up.

i don't love you anymore.

your name is now foreign on my tongue.

your scent is no longer ingrained in my sheets.

you're no longer the one i'm laughing at in the mirror as i get ready.

i don't love you anymore.

i'm trying to not love you anymore.

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greater-grief · 1 year

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it's raining today.

as the rain pattered against my window,

and i looked at the gloom covered sky,

i thought of you.

i thought of the time you dragged me out during a storm.

you giggled and smiled as drops covered your face.

though the sun was covered, you seemed to make the world feel it was warm spring day.

i stared, addicted to the sight.

you

became

my

sun

even on the gloomiest of days, you shined.

especially in the rain.

it rained today.

and all my thoughts were of you.

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greater-grief · 1 year

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"i love you!"

no. you don't.

you love the version of me you've created in your head.

the version that is endlessly devoted to you, and only you.

the version who's only purpose in life is to love and care for you.

that isn't me.

it never was.

we were never meant to be.

we were simply the universe's matchmaking mistake.

so leave.

take your words of love and admiration to someone else.

someone who will appreciate them.

someone who deserves them.

someone who isn't me.

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greater-grief · 1 year

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honestly,

my love,

you scare me.

and i think,

that scares you.

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greater-grief · 1 year

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i find no beauty in a gun or a knife.

i find no beauty in the senseless violence you crave.

i find no beauty in the bruises and scrapes.

it all makes me want to vomit,

to cry,

to curl up in a ball and pretend it didn't happen.

but you,

my love,

you adore it all.

you adore the pain, the violence, the suffering.

it comforts you,

while it haunts me.

where i see death,

you see life.

and truly,

that scares me more than anything else.

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greater-grief · 1 year

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people don't tell you what it's like.

they don't tell you how it feels to watch the person you've spent so much of your life with, slip through your fingers.

they don't tell you how much it'll break your heart to not be able to hold a conversation with him because the pain he feels is so strong he can not speak.

they don't tell you how much you'll miss your childhood where he picked you up early from school to go watch cartoons on your birthday.

they don't tell you that you'll constantly cry for what used to be.

how he used to be.

they don't tell you he'll become a hollow shell of his former self and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

they don't tell you how helpless you'll feel.

but,

even if they did, if they could,

would it make it all hurt any less?

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greater-grief · 1 year

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im convinced imaginary friends are a lie made up by the american media to sell more mental illness so. participate in my research

#it was a penguin in a purple top hat #a bulldog named september #and the grim reapers blonde son

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