#(I realize that this is public but I havent been copying these so it’s too late to put these elsewhere)

[multifandom-garbage-compactor]

Question for the void: how do you reinvent yourself when your efforts keep getting undone or get in the way of other things to the annoyance of others?

#I hope there’s not spyware on my phone or that someone has been going through it manually #y’all won’t even allow me to be stupid in private never mind that you let me know how irritating you find me whenever you can #it’s just the same same old same old and I’m beyond tired. it feels like there’s no growing or rising above this #like I’m just eating until I die. and even that I manage to do wrong. am I to blame for everything #(I realize that this is public but I havent been copying these so it’s too late to put these elsewhere) #I was a child once getting so many things wrong from the jump but how much can I blame on outside influence #and if it is my family’s fault then they’ve gotten away while I keep forgiving them and falling apart more each day #get a fucking pet instead and even then you’ll be disappointed that they’re not perfectly made to suit your mood and schedule #but god fucking damn it it has to be the dumbest heartless bitches that have kids and pat thrmselves on the back for a job well done #meanwhile all the pots are boiling over and when they finally turn around they’re only going to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is to #them. stop the press. dad missed his beauty sleep to get in the face of his quietly crying child and told them to be quiet and then sent the #problem upstairs to then rudely awake it for payback. nothing more. definitely not parenting. and you still walk around like a big man? #oh I would wish you worse than death but unlike you I still feel guilt and fear so you just get to keep wailing over the bare minimum and #never actually get your hands dirty or make up for lost ti #time. I just want it to be over. no more of this in the next life or just cut me out of existence entirely. don’t you dare do this to me #and I guess others again. I’m tired and have ruined my chances at life so don’t put me back in just so I can miss the point again and not #even have a way out. #gee was that too much

[unknown-to]

fluff, megumi fushiguro x reader

Thinking about Megumi looking at you from head to toe with a stern expression when you wear something revealing, avoiding having to tell you to change your outfit because he thinks you’re allowed to wear whatever you want.

But later when you go out, he grabs the first opportunity to put his jacket over your shoulders, or around your waist, as if nothing happened just so his pretty girlfriend doesn’t expose herself for everyone to see.

He spends his whole time doing his best to take care of you and treats you like a porcelain doll, though he never makes it obvious and just does it with little subtle things.

Megumi would avoid holding your hands, kissing you or hugging you in public, but when it’s cold outside and your soft little hands are freezing, he takes your hand to hold it inside his pocket.

He avoids physical affection with you in private too, waiting for you to let go of him every time you hug him out of the blue. Occasionally, pushing you away and pulling out of your embrace when it’s more than a few seconds.

But every time he feels conflicted or low in general, he’s the first to come and hug you. Eyes closed and deep breath in your neck, just so you can’t witness how embarrassed he feels to be the one to search for physical reassurance.

Megumi is honestly in love with you and never fails to show it to you without even noticing, never forgetting your likings and orders in every places you’ve been.

He makes you feel like life is easy from how everything you want or think about doing are already done when it’s in his power to make it happen.

As much as he catches himself staring at you in admiration when you don’t notice, and gets flustered when you finally realize.

“i wasn’t looking at you..”

He mutters, avoiding your gaze with a frown as his cheeks turn pink in embarrassment. Although you both know he was lying, living in denial at how his heart flutter every time you make eye contact.

Megumi could really spend hours staring at a photo of you when you’re away, amazed by how pretty you look in every angle and how much he feels his heart melt in love to know your his and only his.

Small and discrete smiles hanging on his lips when you tell him ‘i love you’ before hanging up when he’s on a call with you. Feeling an anxious tingle in his stomach when he tells himself ‘it’s the one, i’m gonna tell her’.

“i love you too”

But ends up whispering it to the beeping of his phone because you hang up knowing how hard it is for him to return your words.

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hi (: its been a while, i havent posted since ages bc i didnt quite know abt who or what.. and well i said i’ll post another one

but anyway here is one about our precious megs, i love him sm )):

hope y’all enjoy(ed), im open for suggestions and requests btw!

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©unknown-to. please do not copy/translate/use as your own.

#[🌻] ei writes #[🌷] ei fluff #megumi fushiguro #megumi x you #megumi x reader #megumi imagine #megumi fluff #jujutsu kaisen megumi #jjk megumi #jujutsu megumi #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x you #jjk #jjk x y/n #jjk imagines #jjk x reader #jjk fluff #jjk men #jjk fushiguro #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen fushiguro

[sadsapphicslut]

chapter one - original story (i havent come up with a title yet lol)

okay so here it is!! if anyone actually reads this i love u :) please leave feedback if u have any!! 

TWs:

death, drugs, medication, mental illness, references to sex, swearing, alcohol

wordcount: 8.2k

(also i dont think anyone will but im paranoid of people stealing my writing so obligatory dont copy/post to another site or steal my work in any other ways etc)

There were five of us; 4 boys and me. In hindsight I realize from the outside our group probably seemed a little predatory, but it was never really like that. For the most part they were like brothers to me. Of course, being the only girl in a small and isolated club of mainly older boys, things were bound to happen. We were in high school and it was summer, can you blame me? Regardless, however much I loved them, it was not quite in the way my father always assumed or my mother always warned (during our uncomfortable monthly visitations before I managed to get rid of her for good).

The months everything went down, which I often referred to only as ‘The Worst Summer of My Life’, (quite melodramatically but not without reason) were somehow still full of the best moments of my life. Moments I often find myself wishing I could repeat, as nothing has or will ever come close to the way I felt, sitting amongst my boys day after day, somehow light as the warm July breeze that blew past us. My entire body weightless, as non-existent as the time that passed us by. Despite the depression I’d found myself plunged into during the days after my only brother’s death, I truly believe I will never again be as happy as I was then. Laughter seemed to flow freely from our mouths, smiles plastered onto our faces no matter the circumstances, content to just exist. I don’t think I can ever forget the day it was raining so hard the entire city was flooded, but we walked around uptown well past the point of being absolutely drenched, our clothes dripping so heavily the security guard denied us entry into the public library. Something about that day made me feel so free, like we were invisible. Completely apathetic to the whims of the real world, somehow existing only in our twisted minds and intertwined fantasies.

Maybe if I’d had my head screwed on a little tighter, or if we’d met under different circumstances, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. I used to go down that line of thought every night before succumbing to a fitful but heavy sleep (under the direct affect of 25mg of Quetiapine, working to counteract my Concerta and Lexapro). Those types of irrational thoughts were ones my therapist deemed as my habit for rumination. In regard to the death of my brother she called it ‘bargaining’, one of the stages of grief. I never liked it when she spoke about those stages as I’ve always felt them to be wrong. Maybe because I never quite moved on to the final one, no matter how many years pass. ‘Acceptance’, coined as the “Re-entrance to reality”. Maybe it’s different since I was never really grounded to reality in the first place. I still wake up some mornings, thinking I’ve heard his voice in the other room, ready to beguile me with tales from his day of retail work. Other times I swear I’ve walked past him on the street. Some people may relate to my experiences, with reasonings of ghosts, angels, apparitions, or insanity, among many other causes for the apparent viewing of a loved one long gone to the other side. I never shared these beliefs, but I am not one to deny. Rather, I always take these instances as an omen. A warning. I have come to this conclusion not without evidence, at least circumstantial, given the many occasions over the years – and especially that summer – where I found my hypothesis to be true. All I can say is that I am glad I’ve never been met with the same chimerical visions of my mother; one can only hope that is because she ended up where she belonged. Maybe I’ll see her there, though I hope at the very least they could keep us in separate rooms of Hell if the situation does arise.

From what I know of the others now, which is admittedly not much – majorly due to my own neglect, as opposed to theirs – they share the same prescription for rose-coloured glasses as I. We always were too engrossed with our own romanticization of nostalgia and sentiment that it clouded our view. I often think this was one of the reasons we seemed to fit so well together. Not quite like puzzle pieces, too self-absorbed to hold a candle to that analogy, more like complimentary colours. I wish it could’ve stayed the way it was. We did try, and I never found myself able to fully disentangle myself from James, nor he could to I, but for most of us we could recognize an ending when one arises. I used to find myself using the word tragedy a lot while reminiscing, but I no longer think that word is appropriate. Fate is a more fitting term in my opinion, regardless of if one believes in it or not. “(A)n inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end,” as reported by Merriam Webster. I don’t think there’s a word in the entire English language more accurate in describing how everything ended up; and if there is, I am yet to find it.

  Chapter One

A Dead Brother

          I have tried to erase the day my brother died from my memory so many times I lost count decades ago. I still find the image seeping into my unconsciousness quite dreadfully on the nights I neglect to take my pills and catch myself waking up with a steady flow of tears that dampen my pillow along with the drool that always seems to pour from my sleeping mouth. The dread that pools in my stomach sometimes being heavy enough for me to lose my lunch. I frequently wonder how people managed to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault; the most painful lie I’ve ever been told and one that seemed to stream from people’s mouths as easily as the mini sandwiches laid in the living room of my brother’s wake were stuffed in. The worst part about being told it wasn’t my fault was how obviously one could tell they didn’t believe what they were saying either. His death was my fault; a fact so uncontestable I wanted to kill myself every time I was reminded of it.

           My therapist often tried to remind me that even if his death was “partially” (she always used the word partially, refusing to acknowledge the truth that his death was entirely my fault) my fault, there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. This was another lie I despised being told. There were a million ways I could have prevented his death or saved his life and yet, here we are, with him dead and me wishing everyday that I won’t wake up tomorrow. “Begonia,” she’d tell me – she was the only person who called me by my full name, I usually went by Nia, but a nickname felt too personal and I didn’t like her very much – “You mustn’t keep torturing yourself with these scenarios. He’s dead, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am starting to wonder if you are going to let yourself move on. This isn’t healthy.” That was a line she liked to use a lot, “this isn’t healthy”. As if anything I do is.

           Barb, my therapist that is, liked to go over the details of my brother’s death a lot. She often called it a ‘trigger’, which is why she always seemed to want me to talk about it. “Trauma is a horrible thing, Begonia, and you must learn to move past it, process it. I can see you still haven’t managed to do that on your own, and that’s what I’m here for, to help you move on.” Barb was big on the idea of  “moving past trauma” and “learning to cope”, she often sounded like a broken record of a motivational speech. I found myself comparing her to school guidance councillors without realizing it, they were about equally as helpful (read: not helpful) in my opinion.

           Sometimes I blame my inability to forget and “move past” my brother’s death on the way Barb constantly brought it up and made me go through it. I never quite understood how that part of my therapy was supposed to help me. I asked her once, what good was it doing rehashing the worst day of my life?

           “Well, Begonia,” I hated the way she said my name, always so condescending and sour, like even the idea of me questioning her in any way was as impolite as shitting on her desk.

“You have to understand that I only want to help you. You seem to be unable to process your traumas on your own, which is why we need to go through these things. As you are aware, this PTSD,” she always left strange pauses after each letter, her slow tone grinding on my ears, “you have acquired has left you unable to function normally in daily life. I want you to get to a place where you can have a normal life (Ha!) and cope without these meetings. It’s what your brother would’ve wanted.” Barb liked to tell me what my brother would have wanted at least once every session. Putting aside the fact she knew next to nothing about him aside from the intimate details on how he died, I always thought it was an inappropriate thing to say as a psychologist specializing in grief counselling. It never particularly bothered me, I was reasonable enough to realize she was just trying to comfort me, but I never liked the phrase. “What your brother would’ve wanted.” What he would’ve wanted was to not die but we’re past that, aren’t we Barb, as you so often enjoyed telling me.  

I have always been quite averse to my diagnoses, ADHD at 14, Persistent Depressive Disorder at 15, PTSD at 16, issues with alcohol and drugs that landed me in rehab more than once. I’ve been on a concoction of different medications since I was 13, even before I was diagnosed with anything officially. Sertraline, Lexapro, Prozac, Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Quetiapine, Ambien, Zopiclone, a healthy mix of off brand and branded medications. Sleeping pills, antidepressants, stimulants. I can’t remember a time before monthly trips to the drug store and side effect surveys that I’m not sure if I ever told the truth on. It’s a wonder that people didn’t see a slew of addiction issues coming from a mile away.

I think I’ve always had the most contention with my PTSD diagnosis though, I hate it because I know it’s undeniably true. I wish it wasn’t because maybe that’d mean my brother was still alive, but he isn’t. And I’m left traumatized and bereaved. Sometimes it feels like it hurt me more than it ever did my mother or father. Maybe it did. I should feel selfish for saying that, but I can’t, because they didn’t have to look at him while the life left his body, praying to God for the ability to turn back time. See the moment his eyes glazed over, knowing I’d never get to hear his obnoxious laugh, or make fun of his dumb face ever again.

  ❈

             “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.”

It was a cool evening in May, the end of spring brought with it the promise of summer and the air had the familiar aroma of daffodils and petrichor. I had decided to go to a party with my friend Faun, my dad having been out at his girlfriend’s place for the weekend and me having nothing better to do. I wasn’t one for partying, but I did like to get high, so I usually just hung around with the rest of the potheads and pill junkies until someone dragged me home or I fell asleep. That night Don, a friend of a friend of a friend, had brought coke and E and we were all determined to get as fucked up as possible. Faun only ended up doing one line before running into a bedroom with some guy whose name started with an M – was it Martin or Marvin? Maybe it was Mickey – and left me sitting on the couch beside a girl who was about 1 more shot of vodka away from passing out.

I had fully intended on doing some coke, but the E seemed to be hitting harder than I was used to. I was sure my Ritalin had worn off by then but maybe I was wrong. As I stood up to get a glass of water I nearly fell over and decided to sit back down. Turning to face Don, I tapped him on the shoulder trying to get his attention.

“What was in that molly?” I was vaguely aware of the way my words were slurring, but I felt weirdly energized. I was aware my heart was beating a little too fast, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I knew what ecstasy felt like, this was not nearly my first time doing it, but I felt really wrong.

           “Don!” He turned to look at me and I felt uneasy. His eyes looked a little crazed – not that out of the ordinary but given the circumstances I was worried – “What the fuck did you give me?” It felt like I’d done 5 lines of coke in the last 2 minutes and I knew that E had been spiked.

           Don’s face had an unmistakable expression of guilt written on it as he leaned down and whispered in my ear, his voice shaking, “I think it was cut with meth.” Fuck. My stomach dropped. I have to get out of here. I quickly shot up from the musty couch I was sat on, carefully holding onto Don’s shoulder so I didn’t fall, my legs still feeling unsteady. I opened my phone; the screen was too bright, and I had a hard time maneuvering it as I attempted to exit the house. Clicking the green Messages icon, I sent a text to Faun – e ws cut w meth im lesving – with shaky hands and burst out the door into the fresh air. I clicked my brother’s contact and pressed call.

           It rang four times before he picked up.

           “Nia? Why are you calling me it’s like 1am?” I could tell from the smooth tone of his voice he’d been drinking. He didn’t very often but he had an appreciation for cocktails and enjoyed getting buzzed now and then. He still was a year from being legal to drink but his friends we’re all 19 and 20 and bought alcohol for him. I found him fun when he got drunk, becoming talkative and giggly, but right now I wished so badly for him to be sober.

           “Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.” I was slurring, my voice a bit too pitchy to pass as anything but high. I knew he didn’t like it when I did this, but he never ratted me out. Sometimes I wish he did, maybe I never would’ve been able to go to that party in the first place.

           I could hear a door shutting on his end, I assumed he was going into a different room. “What’s wrong?” My skin was bubbling with anxiety at the prospect of having to tell him what I did.

           “Fuck, uh… I did something stupid. I’m at Emily Goguen’s, y’know up in Champlain Heights. Please pick me up.” I rarely used the word please.

“Nia, what the fuck did you do?” I almost started crying but I found my eyes to be bone dry.

“Please don’t yell.”

“Okay, really, tell me what is going on or I won’t come get you.”

“I accidentally took meth.”

“You what? What the fuck, Nia! Fuck this I’m on my way and I’m fucking telling Dad.” I cringed but I knew he was going to before I even called. The pit in my stomach grew deeper as the buzzing of my skin grew stronger. I could feel myself getting higher, everything was so clear and standing around was making me grow restless. Ray huffed on the phone and I heard him entering his car.

His tone was softer the next time he spoke. “I’ll be there in 5, just stay put, please. Do you want me to stay on the call or can I hang up?”

I felt like a child, which I was really, only 16 at the time, a whole life ahead of me. Still, I was grateful for the way he spoke to me, reminiscent of being 6 and getting a scrapped knee after falling off my pink Razor scooter. The high made me edgy, and my voice was sharp to my ears, “No, you can hang up.” I heard the click to indicate he’d done just that, and started pushing my cuticles as I waited, the task somehow greatly interesting me, and I did not realize until later I had managed to pick off all of the skin around my pointer and middle fingernails during the five-minute wait.

 Ray pulled up exactly five minutes later in his ugly, blue 2011 Ford Fiesta he’d gotten the year prior after passing his driving test. What I wouldn’t do now to smell the inside of that car once again, a distinct attar of pineapple car freshener and Old Spice deodorant mixed with stale black tea, faintly present due to his ever-growing collection of empty paper cups from various different fast foods and coffee shops.

I stumbled into the car, feeling the strong impulse to clean the space, but attempting to push it down. From the passenger side overhead mirror I could see my blown pupils and sweaty forehead, pieces of my copper red hair sticking to my face. My freckles were showing through my concealer that had mostly worn off and I wanted to cover them back up. My skin was pale from winter (and probably the drugs in my system) but my cheeks were flushed like I was drunk. My high cheekbones made my face look gaunt in the lighting, but my face was wide which balanced it out, so I didn’t look completely skeletal. Ray was looking at me, the worry apparent in his eyes, but his face was flushed as well, and I could tell he’d been drinking a bit too much to drive. I had my license as well, but it was clear I was in no condition to take over on that front, so I didn’t bother saying anything. I wish I had. There’s a lot of things I wish. I wish I hadn’t gone to that party; I wish I hadn’t taken that E; I wish I called someone else; I wish I waited it out at Emily’s; I wish I walked home; I wish I took a cab; I wish I waited for Faun; I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

“Are you okay?” He didn’t take his eyes off me as I shut the mirror in front of me.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine. Please just take me home.”

“Is Dad there?”

“No.”

“Maybe I should take you to Mom’s.”

“No!” I’d moved out of my mom’s completely just over 6 months ago, barely seeing her once a month. It was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. She never liked me much anyways, the feeling was entirely mutual. Ray seemed to have a close bond with her for some reason despite how she treated him like shit. I never called him out though, he no longer lived with her, so I didn’t really care what their relationship was as long as she wasn’t hurting him. She did treat him significantly better than me, however, so I figured maybe he managed to forgive her the way I never could.

“Okay, but I’m staying with you until Dad gets home. I’m not gonna lie to him about this shit. Fucking meth, Nia? Seriously?”

“It was in the molly.” He sighed and started driving.

 My brain felt like it was filled with butterflies, or ants, some kind of movement that was itching at my skull. The paper cups scattered around were making me anxious and I needed to clean his car. I began picking at my nails again, but I needed to pick up those cups, you see. I turned around and started gathering the ones Ray had discarded in the back, filling up an empty plastic bag from Best Buy. I was fully switched around in my seat, nearly crawling into the backseat to reach the trash my brother had left. I felt him tap my side, I looked over at him and he started to scold me.

“Nia, stop that will you, you’re distracting me.” But I needed to finish gathering the cups. The car was dirty, and my skin was itching, the traffic lights burning my skin. I was elated and I didn’t want to listen to him, he was just trying to get in my way. I continued to lean over, not registering the swerve of the car as he looked over at me.

“Nia – ”

He turned over to push me back into my seat, his eyes leaving the road for no more than a few seconds. This time I felt the swerve as we broke into the next lane.

 This is where I have a hard time piecing together what happened. From what I was told, we ended up running directly into a 2015 Dodge Ram 2500. In case you understandably have a lack of knowledge when it comes to cars, that is a very large, sturdy, and expensive pickup truck which I would probably consider the last vehicle you’d want to charge headfirst into while going 70km per hour. I don’t recall the actual incident of hitting the truck, whether that be from the drugs, the position I was in, or hitting my head on the roof of the car, I don’t know. What I do know is that when I woke up, we were in a ditch on the side of the road, with the car flipped upside down, and my entire body was screaming at me to Get Out!

I felt blood oozing sluggishly from my head and noted some indistinct pain in my right wrist where it had scraped something pretty badly and gotten twisted, but I otherwise felt alright. I couldn’t tell if the cloudiness in my head was from a concussion or the earlier events of the night, but I figured it was probably good I was awake, regardless of how dazed I seemed.

I turned my head to the left and was greeted by a view I will never be able to forget, it having been branded to the insides of my eyelids, scorched in my mind. Ray, with his left arm twisted in spectacular fashion, reminding me of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, after Lockhart spells away Harry’s bones. My brother had always been squeamish with broken bones and I hoped he wasn’t aware of how his limb looked at the moment. His head was bleeding quite profusely, and I was alarmed despite how many times I’d heard in movies that headwounds bleed a lot. His eyelids were fluttering, irises appearing glassy and unfocussed. And then I saw it. A piece of glass was stuck in the left side of his neck. The windshield apparently had broken with the impact and my brother was lucky enough to get a piece lodged right in his trachea. It was thick, bright red blood –  that I could’ve sworn was sparkling in my current inebriated perspective – was gushing out the side, so heavy I could smell it, taste it, in the air. I was frozen once I realized.

Do something, do something! Put pressure on it! Call 9-1-1! My mind was screaming at me, but it was all I could do to sit and watch the blood stain his clothes. He was wearing the corduroy jacket I’d gotten him for his birthday and a white button up, the red seeped into them until it was as if they’d always been that colour. My voice was caught in my throat, but I managed to push some sound past.

“Ray?” It was weaker than a whisper but in the silence that seemed to envelope us in that car, completely independent of the outside world and sirens that could surely be heard from blocks away, I knew he would be able to hear me.

He looked up, eyes focussing slightly on me, and a tear slipped down his face, only it went the wrong way since we were still upside down. He mouthed the words “I love you”. We never said that to each other. As close as we were, our relationship had always been more comparable to that of a best friend than sibling. We weren’t overly affectionate, never hugged or said I love you, hung out for enjoyment rather than as a punishment. Most people didn’t know we were brother and sister until we pointed it out, we never really looked alike and were absent of the traditional distaste and rivalry usually present between siblings. I knew, as he looked me in the eyes and said those words, this would be the last time I’d ever see him outside of a morgue.

I sat in my seat next to him with dry eyes, wishing desperately I could cry, needing to express the feeling of utter horror and despondency that completely overtook my body and mind, but I couldn’t. Barb told me time and time again that I was in shock, there was nothing I could’ve done, but I will never be able to believe that. I still remember the moment the final tear slipped down his face. He smiled at me, pain evident in his eyes. His entire body was covered in the metallic smelling red, and I wanted to vomit. I wish I could say the crash had sobered me, but it didn’t, not really. I was still entirely in a daze as I saw his muscles relax, smiling falling from his face, eyes not quite rolling back all the way but enough to give me nightmares for the next 20 years. The life had been absorbed from his body, leaving a heavy shell. I was told afterwards this all happened within the span of 10 minutes, but it felt like years. By the time the first responders had appeared I was an old woman. Grayed hair, and arthritic bones. Mourning for the brother I’d lost oh so many years ago, when I was just a girl. I think in a way I died in that car with him, I never was really the same. But who would be? Best friend and confidant, older brother, idol, dying in front of your eyes as you do nothing, knowing for the rest of your life that his death is – was – your fault. Knowing you could’ve done something, anything really, to prevent his untimely loss of life before the paramedics arrived. If I’d been the same after that night I would have to be much more disturbed than I ever thought.

I sat in that car beside Ray’s corpse for 3 more minutes before I heard the sirens closing in around us – me. I thought I might pass out, either from the toll of what I’d just witnessed or from my concussion, but I remained upright, probably from the adrenaline. I couldn’t move so I just waited, and hoped I’d die too before anyone reached the scene. It would be much preferrable to any other outcome I could think of at the time. I could vaguely register the pain in my wrist, but I felt so numb I’m sure you could’ve shot me in the foot and I wouldn’t have blinked.

A young fireman named Walter ended up getting me out of the car. The door was smashed and stuck which meant I’d been trapped in there either way. I was happy I hadn’t bothered trying to escape as I'm terribly claustrophobic and finding out I couldn’t would have thrown me into a proper panic attack. The fireman was incredibly nice, saying reassuring things the entire time they were opening the door with the “Jaws of Life”. I ended up seeing him again in the hospital actually, or at least that’s what my father told me. He wanted to check in on me and left me some hydrangeas in a vase. I always preferred chrysanthemums but I'm not that picky when it comes to a floral arrangement.

After the door was busted open I was carried out by Walter. I was shaking and apparently babbling nonsense but in my head I was trying to tell them to save Ray. I wasn’t really aware of all that much, completely blind to the crowd of spectators that had rudely gathered to witness the violence – wasn’t it supposed to be taboo to stop at a car crash? Wondering vaguely about what happened and wishing you could get a better look as you drive past the scene.  My head wound had made me a bit incompetent and the meth in my system was really not helping the entire situation.

I was laid on a gurney and rolled onto an ambulance. I don’t remember much about the ride; the sirens, the bright lights, a paramedic named Alice who spoke softly, smoothing out my hair while the other put an oxygen mask on my face (which I wasn’t entirely cognizant enough to question though now I'm not really sure why they did it) and splinted my wrist. Alice asked me if I was on drugs and I nodded but was unable to speak when she asked me what ( I would find this a common occurrence after the accident, my voice seemingly stolen alongside Ray’s). She just nodded and said something to the other ME that I didn’t quite pick up. She asked if I could tell her my name and I shook my head. She must’ve noticed the iPhone in my pocket and grabbed it, turning to the medical ID page.

“Is your name Begonia?” I nodded, though the name sounded foreign on my ears. I liked the way Alice said it though, she had a light Spanish accent and a matronly tone that made me feel safe. I wondered if she had kids of her own; she looked young, but my own mother had me at 19 so who could say? She told me her name after complimenting mine. “Begonia is a beautiful name; I love the flowers. I’m Alice, okay? We’re gonna make sure you’re alright and take you to the hospital.” Her voice was sweet like syrup and I became sleepy as she spoke.

“No honey, you can’t fall asleep yet. Just stay awake a little bit longer and I promise you they’ll let you sleep at the hospital.”

  I don’t remember anything of the rest of the ride to the hospital. I was dropped off at the Emergency Room at the Regional, head still too foggy to allow me to recall anything before I was sitting in a white bed, in a white room, with white sheets and a light blue hospital gown on. It was morning and my father was sitting at the end of my bed in an uncomfortable plastic chair, his eyes bloodshot and moist. He’d very obviously been crying for a long time and my chest panged with guilt. I reached up to feel my head and realized there was a cast on my wrist. With my other hand I touched the cotton that covered my forehead, wincing when I felt the sting of what had to be stitches in a nasty gash. I would spend the next 5 years of my life with a variety of diverse haircuts that attempted to hide the ugly scar that served as a reminder of the worst night of my life. Even now it is still extremely obvious, but I can’t be bothered to try and hide it, I so rarely look in the mirror that it wouldn’t matter if my skin turned blue.

My dad hadn’t looked up, so I attempted to gain his attention but once again found my voice failing me. I tapped on the bed a few times before he seemed to realize and face me.

“Nia… how are you feeling?” His voice was raspy and thin. He reeked of cigarettes and stale coffee, though this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I remained silent as he looked at me, searching my face for something I'm not sure he found.

“Nia, I, I'm not sure how to say this to you.” Here it comes. Almost worse than watching my brother die, the confirmation. “Ray, he’s, well dead.” I saw my father’s eyes begin to tear up again as I stared straight ahead. I couldn’t feel the sobs that racked my body, nor the hot tears streaming from my eyes. I saw my dad start to move closer but sit back down when I flinched. Of course, I knew my brother was dead; I had front row seats to watching the event happen, but somehow I still didn’t believe it until the words left my father’s mouth. According to my dad, who many years later described to me how eery the whole event was, my sobs were completely silent, and I was entirely unaware of everything happening around me. This dissociation lasted the first few days after the accident, and the entirety of my hospital stay. Leaving the blissful gap in my memory I have now.

Barb told me this was my mind’s way of coping with the tragedy and stress of what happened. I was honestly just happy I had an excuse to skip some of the dreadful retelling she forced upon me.

 ❈

             The funeral was of course a depressing and solemn event. I was still yet to speak and found myself thankful for the way people gave up on trying to get me to communicate. I dressed in a black skirt with a black short sleeved button up. A dark coat thrown around my shoulders as the cast on my right hand was too big to fit through the sleeve. I looked terrible, barely a week out of hospital before I watched Ray sink into the ground. The wound on my forehead was still quite nasty, though it looked better than it did before. I tried to cover it up with my hair but was unsuccessful. I got bangs soon after.

           The matter was very traditional, taking place in a church even though none of our family was really religious. It was only the second time I'd ever been in a church, the first having been for my cousin Julie’s wedding when I was four years old. I don’t remember anything of it aside from the material of my dress itching at my neck and making me rather miserable. Of course, not nearly as miserable as I was the day of the funeral, sitting in a pew at the front of the church, listening to a priest claiming Ray would’ve wanted us to celebrate his life. I knew this not to be true; Ray was extremely dramatic and would’ve cherished the thought of everyone he’d ever spoken to moping around for weeks after his death, beside themselves with grief. He sometimes referred to himself as “Romeo” after having been broken up with by another girl he was supposedly in love with, stating he better just stab himself in the heart now if he couldn’t have her. On the rare occasion he broke up with a girlfriend, he’d lounge around, eating ice cream, pretending to not be upset and comparing his cold heart to that of Richard VIII. The concept of him being any different over his death was almost comical; Ray was nothing if not predictable.

           I sat beside my father, who sat beside my mother (it was an extremely awkward arrangement that neither I nor my father cared for) and seemed to have the idea that I could evaporate if I thought hard enough about it. Unfortunately, I did not evaporate, or even come close to it, instead finding myself exactly where I'd been the whole time. I mostly tuned out the service, only really paying attention when my father and Ray’s best friend, Jake spoke. I managed to escape the duty of having to speak that day thanks to my fragile mental state and mutism. Though I'm sure I would’ve been forced all the same if I had been able to talk in any capacity, regardless of where my head was at.

           Faun was sitting in the pew behind me, feeling quite guilty about the whole ordeal. Or friendship dissolved soon after, I think she blamed herself for taking me to the party. It didn’t bother me too much though; we were never the closest and I sometimes thought her to be extremely annoying. An endless stream of shitty boyfriends that she only acquired so she could further repress her sexuality. When we were 14 we kissed at a sleepover and she admitted she was in love with me. I felt bad for not returning the feeling and our relationship had been on rocky territory ever since. I don’t understand how she thought she was in love with me since she barely knew anything about me, but either way she never brought it up again and soon after the monsoon of boytoys had begun.

           My brother’s friends and ex-girlfriends also attended the event. I didn’t approach any of them, far too scared they’d blame me for the death of their friend. One of them, Alex, went up to me to say how sorry he was about everything that happened. He was crying quite heavily (I later found out he was the friend Ray had been drinking with and the second last person to see him alive) and I could smell alcohol on his breath. I stood there while he spoke, telling me about how great my brother was as if I was wholly unaware. Body waving side to side as he stood with his hand on the wall beside me. He offered me some bronze liquid in a flask, and I obliged, savouring the burning sensation that followed in my throat. Alex’s voice was steady and deep, reminding me of my father’s. I’m not sure how long we stood there, him spinning a fantastic web of anecdotes and stories about my brother, some entirely new to my ears. We passed the beverage back and fourth until it was empty. My head felt lighter and heavier somehow simultaneously, and I found it much easier to listen to Alex talk. Later he tried to kiss me in my bedroom during the wake. His mouth was sour, and his tongue seemed too big for his mouth. I wondered how he was able to talk so much without it getting in the way.

             We moved in procession to the cemetery after the service. The grass was a vibrant green colour, and I didn’t understand how the world kept turning after Ray’s death, for mine stopped the moment his heart failed to beat. The sky was a lovely shade of cyan-blue, with clouds so perfect they seemed animated. Pink carnations were planted near the outskirts of the yard and I could smell spring in the air; a heavy, floral aroma that never failed to comfort me. I thought it should be raining, it felt inappropriate that the weather refused to match my despair. My mind wandered as we approached the empty grave and I considered what it would be like if Ray was here beside me. He’d probably be making jokes, telling me to lighten up for a minute or my face would get stuck that way. He’d mock my silence, saying how I never managed to shut up for a minute before but suddenly I'm as proper as a nun. I'd smile, ruffling his hair to piss him off and try to refrain from laughing aloud. The absence of him only felt stronger as I imagined this scenario, so I shoved it out of my head.

           The casket was lowered into the ground, my father was a pallbearer and I often think about how he must’ve felt carrying his son’s body before watching him being buried. My mother sobbed loudly which annoyed me, it felt a bit exaggerated. I had a few tears falling from my eyes but mostly, I just felt numb. Incredibly and absolutely empty inside. To onlookers it may have seemed as though we weren’t very close, my reaction being similar to that of his ex-girlfriends’. However, this didn’t account for the loss of my voice, or the broken state I was in mentally. Maybe it was better that my reaction was rather dulled. It meant people didn’t feel the need to approach me as they did my mother. Less concerned given she was the one playing up her emotions to the point of embarrassment. My father cried, more than I but far less than my mother. He didn’t cry very often – I'd actually only seen it once prior to the whole event – and I figured he probably needed it. At this point I felt as though I'd shed enough tears to last a lifetime so Ray wouldn’t mind if I was a bit subdued in comparison. He never was a crier anyways.

           As I sprinkled soil onto his casket I imagined he was right beside me, watching, ready to criticize as usual. The dirt stained my hand, clutching the sweat and turning my skin a muddy brown colour. As I wiped the dirt on my jacket I could hear him nagging about how I better go wash my hands, what was I, a six-year-old? He was in denial about me growing up and took every chance to remind me I was still just a kid. Not that he had much on me, but I enjoyed it. I never was one to shy away from attention; at least not before. Little quirks and inside jokes between us were always some of my favourite things, the type of humour you could only get from living with someone your whole life. No matter how much his memory will fade there are some things I can’t let myself forget. His mocking tone when he’d make fun of me is one of those things. If I ever managed to let go of that sound then I must be dead as well.

           The sun beat down on my back, my skin burning in my black clothes. I wasn’t sweating yet, but most of the men around were – suit jackets aren’t exactly known for their breathability. My nose was dry and aching red, sore from how much I'd been wiping it the last couple days. Still the sweet seeping tinge of flowers and spring managed to crawl into my nose, settling underneath my skin, the buzzing from before had returned, I could feel my heartbeat loudly in my throat and had the desperate urge to just run. Instead, I just followed the rest of the party, sitting down in the passenger seat of my dad’s car. The silence that settled over us was uncomfortable and stale. He turned on the radio, Led Zeppelin filled the air around us, thankfully relieving some of the tension. I felt in my left pocket for one of the carnations I’d picked from a nearby grave earlier. The flower had begun to wilt, heat taking effect on its delicate composition. When I got home I put it in between the pages of my oldest copy of Romeo and Juliet. Ray would have found it funny if he was around to see.

The drive to my mother’s house was short and minimally awkward. We sat in silence – aside from the music – only because there was no alternative. My hand remained clutched around the dying flower in my pocket as we left the car and entered the home. Other people had already arrived, clustered in the living room, picking at tiny ham sandwiches and various desserts my mother had undoubtedly stress-baked the day before. I wasn’t hungry so I sat as far away from the food and people as humanely possible while staying in the living room, not wishing to hear my mother’s scolding about how I need to socialize more. Eventually I managed to slip away into my old bedroom, where Alex was sitting on my bed drinking a mickey of Smirnoff I assumed he swiped from my mother’s freezer. He offered it to me, and I accepted, the weird repetitive déjà vu like act, mirroring earlier and making the whole day feel like somewhat of a dream.

When I went over this part with Barb she always felt the need to emphasize that it wasn’t a dream. I knew this, obviously, which I told her every time, but she was inclined to disbelief when it came to my denial over my brother’s death. “Begonia, you must realize he’s gone. Dwelling is helping nobody, especially not you. This isn’t a healthy mindset for you to have. Always comparing living to your dreams. I want you to tell me you understand this isn’t just some dream you can wake up from.” The first time she said that to me I was thrust into a bout of wordlessness, as it struck a bit too close to home. The next time she brought it up I just told her of course, though even now I still cannot say I fully understand. How can I when all of my assumptions have been constantly disproven time and time again. How can I ever say this isn’t a dream when I'm not even sure I'm real? James always tries to reassure me, “Bee, I'm telling you, if you can feel this beat, the pulse in your wrist, your neck, your chest, you are alive,” he’ll say while pressing my hand to my wrist, but we both know it isn’t that simple.

Me and Alex made out for a few minutes until I managed to excuse myself. He was a bad kisser and tasted disgusting. I left him sitting on my old bed while I went downstairs to find my dad. He was sitting at the counter with a can of root beer, blank expression sat upon his face. When his eyes met mine he sighed, grabbing his keys out of his pocket. It was obvious neither of us wanted to be here, for numerous reasons, so we left. And if the radio stayed off as we drove home we didn’t acknowledge the silence that time. In my hand was the crumpled carnation, and for some reason it made my chest hurt. A deep ache of dread. I could feel my heartbeat, hear it over the drum of the car engine, and I crushed the flower further. I was careful not to rip it though, as if that was crossing some kind of invisible line my mind had set for me. My fingers felt waxy when I finally let go.

Back home, I opened the copy of Romeo and Juliet. I retrieved the deteriorating plant from my pocket and placed it in the center. Closing the book, I stacked it under a few dictionaries, a magazine under it so it was trapped on either side. I sat down in front of it and cried. Not the huge gasping sobs my mother seemed to fancy, nor the quiet weeping of my father. No, I cried the tears of a child who just found out their grandparents died, the soft uncomprehending grief that overcame them as they first learned what death really meant. How long forever was. My legs pulled up to my chest, hands loosely hung around knees, unable to clasp together because of my cast. I closed my eyes and I swear I could hear the sound of Ray sighing behind me, but when I opened my eyes I was alone. I went to bed, earlier than I ever had in my life, still believing it was a dream and I'd wake up like Alice after her adventures in Wonderland. But when I awoke, I was met with the slow, oozing perdure of my reality. The one which I could not wake up from, and the one where my brother was dead.

#my writing #writing #original writing #original content #original fiction #creative writing #dark academia #tw death #tw drugs #tw mentions of sex #tw swearing #tw mental illness #tw medication #alo writes

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

hello hi! if ur ever looking for ideas/prompts for spidey stuff i have an idea i've wanted to see but havent really yet: i have a sensory processing disorder so i personally always really connect w spidey when fics talk about him kind of having sensory issues, but they almost always only talk about getting too much sensory input. which is super valid! but a lot of people also have issues w not enough sensory input (i have issues w both! its gotta be a balance). (pt. 1 bc i talk to much)

(pt. 2 bc i talk too much) not having enough sensory input still needs grounding techniques and stuff! i know for me i'll start kind of pulling my hair, scratching too violently, etc. and then my service pup will lick my face to replace harmful sensory cravings with safe ones! i just feel like this might be interesting to see w peter and the avengers trying to give him safer/better sensory input bc it might be cute. totally no pressure though! just thought i'd yell this idea into the void

Oh god never apologize for talking too much! I love this idea, thanks so much for the request. Funny story, as I was reading I was just like...wait not everyone does this??? So...thanks for helping me realize things!

Just Right

Read it on Ao3

Warnings: descriptions of a meltdown, sensory deprivation (kinda), some self-injury

Pairings: none. found family is my shit

Word count: 2667

If you could see Peter’s lab in Stark Tower or the Avengers Compound, you’d wonder if it’s some mad-scientist abomination or a storage room gone crazy.

There are screens upon screens upon screens, little things scattered across almost every available surface, and even ones that aren’t technically available. There are haphazardly balanced books and sheets of metal and overflowing trash cans and more random trinkets scattered around than you can think of. And yet, Peter knows precisely where everything is.

Organized chaos. Entropy. There’s some scientific explanation for it.

Peter works in a state of 'a lot.' There's a reason for that, and a reason it's a bad idea for him to not have that.

If you could see Peter’s lab in Stark Tower or the Avengers Compound, you’d wonder if it’s some mad-scientist abomination or a storage room gone crazy.

There are screens upon screens upon screens, little things scattered across almost every available surface, and even ones that aren’t technically available. There are haphazardly balanced books and sheets of metal and overflowing trash cans and more random trinkets scattered around than you can think of. And yet, Peter knows precisely where everything is.

Organized chaos. Entropy. There’s some scientific explanation for it.

Even Tony, the resident doer-of-so-many-things, is baffled when he walks in to see Peter looking at three separate screens, two sets of earbuds—one in each ear—texting as he calls out things for FRIDAY or KAREN or EDITH to help him with. Sometimes he’s talking to all three at once and texting.

“Kid,” Tony says, coming up behind him and resting a hand on his shoulder, “you know you gotta pay attention to the stuff you’re doing, right?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m doing things!”

Cue an impressive rant that even Tony struggles to keep up with in places, all the while Peter’s fingers fly over his keyboard and beat out rhythms on his crossed legs. He looks up at Tony with a bright smile and sometimes, sometimes Tony wonders what goes on in that head of his.

Because if he’s only seeing the little bits that manage to make their way out of the kid’s mouth…god.

Can you blame him for giving Peter a technological playground? Kid lights up better than an arc reactor.

Tony just shakes his head and says: “Kids these days.”

It’s not an uncommon sight to see Peter doing his work with screens scrolling and music blasting over his earbuds. It drives Steve nuts, his mother-hen instincts trying to make sure Peter’s paying enough attention that he won’t hurt himself.

“I know, I know, Pete,” he laughs when Peter glares at him, “I know you can do it, and I trust you, I’m just…”

Peter softens the smallest bit, dropping his project to scurry over and hug Steve. “I know. You worry.”

Steve smirks, running his hand through Peter’s hair. “Gotta make sure you’re in good enough shape for our walk this weekend.”

“Are we gonna do just the anti-homeless benches or are we doing the ramp bars too?”

“We’ll see how fast we can run, hmm?”

“May wants pictures too.”

“Ah yes, for the Baby’s First Act of Civil Disobedience book.”

“Steve!”

“Nope, that’s what she called it. She sent me a photo.”

Peter’s fine. And Steve told the truth, he does trust Peter. They all do. Kind of a side effect of the whole superhero gig, you learn to trust your people.

Doesn’t necessarily mean you understand them.

It’s been a long day. They’ve had to do some interview with this-or-that news station about their stances on some issue that is ‘complicated on both sides.’ Long enough that even Steve’s—frankly impressive—public service mask is slipping. Natasha gave up trying to masquerade as someone who cared ages ago, glaring daggers at anyone who so much as suggested something unreasonable. Tony shoos the last of the day’s worries out the door as Clint flops down on the sofa.

“Why,” he groans, “did we have to do that?”

“We’re role models,” Steve recites, even as the slump of his shoulders says ‘no’ in every possible way, “it’s our duty.”

“Yeah well, I never signed up to be a fucking role model.”

“Clearly.”

“If you dare tell me off for cursing I swear—“

Bucky just smacks Steve upside the head before he can say anything.

“Ow!”

“Don’t, Stevie,” Bucky warns, “just don’t.”

“Peter?”

Everyone turns around to look at Sam, crouched in front of Peter. He’s hunched over, almost curled up completely in his chair. His curls bounce back and forth, small muttering sounds coming from under them.

“Peter,” Sam calls again, “Peter, can you look at me?”

Peter’s head raises slowly and Sam’s glad for the training he’s had that keeps him from reacting visually. Peter’s face is a mess, thin red lines, and tense muscles everywhere.

“Hey, Pete,” he says softly, “you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

Peter shuffles. “Need something.”

“Okay. You hungry?”

“No. Need something.” He starts beating out a frantic rhythm on his legs, hard enough to make Sam wince. “Something, I gotta—“

“Where are your earbuds, Peter?”

“Counter.”

Tony tosses them their way without even hesitating. Sam hands them to Peter and almost immediately his hands fly to plug them in, jam the buds into his ears. The room waits, no one willing to move until Peter takes a deep breath and his shoulders slump. After a few seconds, he starts tapping his fingers again, this time much less frenzied. Judging by the pattern, it’s probably to the beat of the song.

“…sorry,” he mutters after a few moments, “sorry ‘bout that.”

“Don’t apologize,” Sam says, “you didn’t do anything wrong. You wanna talk about it?”

“Uh…not really, not right now.”

“Okay. Is that a ‘you don’t wanna talk about it at all’ or a ‘you wanna talk about it later?’ Either is fine,” Sam says quickly when Peter shifts nervously, “I just wanna understand a little bit more so we can help.”

“M-maybe later.”

“Sounds good.” Sam stands up. “You want us to leave you alone or are you fine if we hang out?”

“Stay,” Peter says, “please.”

“Sure thing, kid.” Sam makes his way over to the others, shaking his head when a couple of them shoot him curious looks. He glances back over at Peter to see him doing some motion that involves all four of his limbs. It’s…oddly mesmerizing, actually.

“I think he’s doing a music exercise,” Natasha murmurs, “eighth-notes, quarter-notes, half-notes, whole notes.”

Bruce stares at her. “He’s doing what?”

Natasha eases her way onto a stool, her left hand tapping along with Peter’s left. “This hand,” she says, still staring, “taps out every quarter note. One, two, three, four.”

“The right hand,” she says, tapping twice as fast with her right, “does the eighth notes. One-and-two-and-three-and-four-and.”

“Then the feet do…one…three…one…three.” She starts gently tapping her feet in time with Peter’s. “And one…one…one…one…”

Steve just shakes his head slowly. “That’s…complicated.”

“It’s a good way to immerse yourself in music,” Natasha murmurs, smiling slightly, “helped me too.”

“What’s it for?”

“I think our Baby Spider is trying to ground himself.” Natasha gives Peter a smile when he catches her doing the same motions. “And it’s fun.”

His other hand never missing a beat, Peter plucks out one of his earbuds and holds it out to Natasha. She smiles and joins him, sitting by his side and carefully inserting the bud.

“Ooh,” she says softly when she figures out what song it is, “nice choice.”

“Thanks.”

They sit like that as the others bustle around quietly, getting all the interview stuff tucked away and Steve starts the cooking for tonight. He shoos Tony out with a spatula as the genius pouts, quickly picking some innocuous bickering fight that makes Bruce roll his eyes and take the book Thor offers him. Bucky and Sam crash onto a nearby couch, Bucky half-heartedly trying to copy Peter and Natasha for a few moments before laughing and giving up. The dinner passes in relative quiet until Peter sighs and plucks out his earbuds, collapsing onto Natasha’s shoulder.

Natasha barely flinches, reaching up to ruffle Peter’s hair. “Hey there, Baby Spider. You okay?”

“Yeah,” Peter sighs, “sorry.”

“Told you,” Sam says easily, “you got nothing to apologize for.”

“No, I…I should’ve told you.”

“Peter,” Steve chides gently, “you’re allowed to not tell us things if you don’t want to.”

“But it’s also important that I tell you things,” Peter says stubbornly. “It’s not fair to you guys if I don’t tell you what bothers me and then you can’t do anything about it or it takes you by surprise.”

“That’s fair, Peter.” Natasha leans her head onto his. “Do you have something you want to tell us, then?”

“Yeah, I, uh…” Peter twists his fingers together, his teeth worrying his bottom lip. “Actually, uh, do you mind if I…have my earbuds in while I tell you? I’ll—I’ll play it on low volume, I’ll still be able to hear you, I just—“

“Shh,” Natasha hushes, “you don’t need to justify your needs. Go ahead.”

“…thanks.” A few seconds later and Peter visibly relaxes, running his hands through his hair as he sits up. “So, I, uh, I have a sensory processing disorder.”

Most of them nod. He’s not the only one. Bucky and Bruce in particular make some gesture of solidarity.

“But I, um…mine’s weird.”

“Weird how,” Sam asks.

“Uh, you know how most people get overwhelmed from too much sensory input?” When he gets an answering nod, Peter takes a deep breath. “I have, uh, I have the opposite.”

“…yours is triggered by having too little sensory input?”

“Yeah. That’s why I have…all the screens going all the time.”

Tony huffs. “Little bit of an understatement.”

“I-it’s easier for me to think!”

“It’s okay, Pete, I don’t mean anything by it,” Tony says instantly, raising his hands in surrender, “just wanna make sure this old man can still keep up with you, that’s all.”

“He admitted he’s old!” Clint throws his hands up in triumph. “All hail Peter Parker, the One Who Got Tony Stark To Admit He’s Old.”

“Alright, alright,” Thor says when it looks like Tony’s going to throw Steve’s salad across the table at Clint, “that’s enough. Peter,” he says, turning back, “how do we help?”

“H-help?”

“Surely it can’t come as a surprise that we wish to help you,” Thor chuckles, “now come on, out with it.”

“Uh…you did good today,” Peter mumbles, “getting me my earbuds and stuff.”

“Is that what we should do, then?”

“Yeah. Just, um, get me stuff that’ll occupy my sense. Optimal levels of arousal and all that.”

“Does that include physical contact,” Steve asks, “or no?”

“…sometimes? I gotta ask for that though.”

“Thank you for telling me.” Steve smiles and reaches out to squeeze Peter’s hand. “Thank you for telling us. I’m proud of you.”

“Ah, jeez,” Peter mumbles, his cheeks flushing, “do you have to say it like that?”

“Like what,” Steve asks like he obviously doesn’t know.

“Like—like that.”

“Steve, you’re such an asshole.”

“I agree with Bucky.”

“Both of you hush or there’ll be no dessert.”

The cry of protest that goes up around the table is enough to make Steve almost fall out of his chair from laughing too hard.

It’s pretty easy after that. They all keep an eye on Peter during functions where they’ve gotta sit still for long periods of time. Often they’ll hide Peter in the back and one of them will reach down, let Peter play with their hands, or sneak some new piece of tech in for him to tinker with. They always keep his earbuds close by and there’s never a problem if Peter needs his earbuds in while he’s at dinner with them or watching a movie.

Then May texts Tony one day when Peter’s scheduled to come over.

May: Peter’s earbuds broke.

Immediately, Tony sends it out to the others. They’re all on high alert, scouring the floors for where they may have been left, if they’ve got extras Peter can borrow, just for a little, come on Tony, you run a tech empire, what do you mean you don’t have headphones?

They’re all so busy looking that they completely miss Peter’s arrival.

Peter’s been floating ever since he got on the bus. Everything feels like it’s happening behind a whine of static. He’s floating in this weird bubble of a fish tank and he can tell there are things beating on the glass outside but he can’t do anything about them. He’s floating and he hates floating. He can’t feel anything. Can’t feel anything.

Something, something, he needs something.

Does he still have a body? Does it still feel? He doesn’t know as he stumbles down hallways and through doors. The walls don’t feel like anything. His hair catches on a catch and it feels. It sends a zing down his spine and he can feel. So he does it again. Feel. Feel. Feel. Feel.

His nail catches on his cheek as he raises his other hand to his hair and there’s a bright flash that shudders his body. It’s warm. He likes warm. He likes to feel. Feel. Feel. Feel. Feel.

He can’t feel his arms. So he moves to his arms. The flare spreads. Feel. Feel. Feel. Feel.

Where else can he feel?

He should be able to feel everywhere, shouldn’t he?

Feel.

Feel.

Feel.

Feel.

He can’t feel his hands but he can tell his hands are making him feel.

It’s stopped being a word now.

Something tangles in his hand, at least he thinks it does. Something tangles in his other hand. They squeeze. Oh. Oh, he can feel that. He can feel his hands. He can feel…he can feel a lot.

He hears the gentle whine of metal against metal, feels the hardness of a claw in each of his hands. He blinks and looks up.

DUM-E and U are holding his hands, squeezing them gently the way he does to them. When he murmurs their names, DUM-E lets his hand go, leaning down to start stroking his forehead with his claw. Peter watches, trace the parts of DUM-E’s machinery, mapping it out in his head, grounding himself in the expansions of wires.

It’s better now, it is. U still sits there, patiently squeezing his hand, even as DUM-E whistles and chirps. Peter starts mumbling back that he’s fine, thank you, he’s okay now, can DUM-E move a little to the left, please?

“Peter?”

“Uh, h-hi, Fri,” Peter mumbles, “I, uh, guess you should tell them I’m here.”

“They’re on their way, Peter.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course.”

Steve will stumble in first, Natasha hot on his heels. Steve won’t be able to hide his shock at seeing the red lines drawn harshly on Peter’s skin, even as he tries to smile and call out for him. Natasha will look him over and softly ask permission to patch him up a little.

Tony will praise the bots as Sam and Bucky rope Peter into some inane fight that pulls him out of his head. Bruce and Clint will offer him their earbuds as they’re the only two who’ve managed to find some. Thor will offer to carry Peter for a little while.

But for now, Peter will sit here, on the floor of the lab, while the bots kiss his face, and feel.

It’s just right.

#dragonbabbles #fic #peter parker #avengers #spiderman #marvel #mcu #self-harm #sensory overstimulation #sensory processing disorder #steve rogers #tony stark #natasha romanoff #sam wilson #bucky barnes #bruce banner #thor #clint barton

[sporesgalaxy]

You know what? Fuck it. Here's the whole ass WIP script for the Danny Phantom/Ben 10/Deadpool crossover nightmare, which is called #follow ur crossover dreams, by the way. I think copy-pasting on my phone is gonna delete some italics but whatever.

Reminder that it's still a really early draft with a lot I plan on changing (wade Motormouth wilson doesnt say nearly enough bullshit, for starters), but hopefully u will enjoy it. happy birthday to me, my gift is letting myself share ideas without maximum effort

[BEN is running through a crowd of high school students, excitedly. He is on his phone] BEN: C'mon, Gwen, just tell me where to go! I wanna fight some bad guys today! It's been weeks! [GWEN is on a computer] GWEN: Ben, for the last time, you are NOT going into this alone! We aren't even sure what's causing this yet! Seismic activity at this scale is totally unheard of around here, and whatever's causing it-- BEN: Is gonna get it's butt whooped by the one and only Benn Tennyson! BEN: Don't worry, I can totally handle this! GWEN: Yeah, cause things always work out perfectly  when you say that. BEN: Just give me the location, and you can catch up with me there! GWEN: No, Ben. I'll fill you in when we know more, but.until then, don't run off. [BEN is dejectedy watching TV at home, when suddenly, there is another earthquake. Soon after, a newswoman reveals the epicenter just outside of town, and Ben gets an idea] [BEN gets off a public bus at a bus stop far outside of town. He looks out into a dry hilly wilderness, and down to his phone gps to confirm he is going in the right direction.] BEN: all right...I didn't wanna risk timing out before I got there, but I think I'm close enough now... [BEN places his phone gps at his feet, closes his eyes, and slaps the Omnitrix] [BEN transforms into Stinkfly] BEN: Well, I was hoping for XLR8, but I guess I can work with this? [BEN picks up his phonr and flies off] [when he reaches the epicenter BEN finds, embedded into a large hill, an abandoned lab of some sort.] BEN: ooOh [BEN enters the lab, and shortly times out, becoming human again. He sort of tries to sneak, but is clearly too excited/curious to be very effective] [The lab is full of rusting, inscruitable equiptment. Finally, Ben enters a natural cave turned testing area deep inside the lab, a cavernous room machinery littering the floor. There seems to be a fixation on machinery that we would recognize as Danny's parents' portal, but not embedded into a wall, so like a door attatched to a tube. Spare parts and dissasembled prototypes rest along the edges of the room, and a few assembled peices rest towards one end.] [Ben stands on the far south end of the cave, looking around at all of the strange wiring and such.] BEN: I wonder if this is Plumber tech... [BEN kicks a bundle of cords on the floor, and the sound echoes through the room.] [Then, a stranger sound eminates from somewhere just outside of the cavern. And another, similar, closer sound is accompanied by a visible flash. And then-- in a green streak, DANNY bursts into the air in the cavernous space, and then hits the floor and skids. When he stops, he turns human as he falls unconscious] [BEN has no fucking idea what is going on] BEN: uh...h...HEY. ARE YOU...OKAY? DANNY: ... BEN: HELLO? HELO-O? DP: ya think he's dead? BEN: AUGH!!!! [BEN jumps violently, very surprised by Deadpool's presence, and takes a step back] BEN: Who the heck are you?! DP: Call me Deadpool! [BEN gives him a look of utter disbelief. That is the stupidest superhero name he's ever heard. He's about to say that, but then,] DANNY: [groans] DP: [hops down. Puts a hand out, signalling for Ben to stay] Stay here, kid. [Ben is offended to be belittled even if it's reasonable. He stands with an angry look on his face for a moment before following just a few steps behind deadpool, hand at the ready above his watch.] [DP veeery cautiosly walks over to Danny and then....abruptly switches gears, standing up straight and gently bumping the boy's shoulder with his foot] DP: hey. hey. get up. DANNY: five more minutess.... DP: ...7Your mom made pancakes? [DANNY's eyebrows furrow. He groans again. He props himself up, and rubs his head. He's covered in dirt and some blood. He opens his eyes and his expression is full of exhaustion and dread as he processes his unfamiliar surroundings. He looks up at Deadpool] DANNY: ...........I don't smell any pancakes. [DEADPOOL and DANNY stare at eachother for a moment. DANNY seems to be waiting for something. He suddenly looks at BEN, incredulous] DANNY: So are either of you going to attack me, or are we having a staring contest? BEN: I dunno, are YOU going to attack? [DANNY is so tired. He's had a long day] DANNY: I'd prefer not to, but it tends to happen a lot. DP: Well that's depressing! BEN: Well if none of us are fighting, I have a question. BEN: Where'd you two come from? DANNY: Ghost portal. DP: Time travel. BEN: ... BEN: You're not giving me much to work with, here. [BEN points to DANNY] BEN: Especially you. I get time travel, I can live with that-- DP: Thank god. BEN: --But, "ghost portal?" Like a portal for ghosts? Are you dead?? [DP slowly prods Danny with his foot again. Danny is too busy suddenly realizing that he's in human form to be concerned with that] DANNY: I--uh-- BEN: Was that what was up with the green energy? DANNY: Maybe I just went through the ghost portal, ok? I--where are we? BEN: Somewhere on the outskirts of Bellwood, Nevada. DANNY: Nevada? BEN: Nevada DANNY: Huh. DANNY: And why are you here? BEN: [excited to sound smart] There was some unnatural seismic activity around here, and I came to check it out, see if it was anything nefarious. BEN: [cocky] You know, usual superhero stuff. [Danny is a little shocked. He's never really met another superhero before, who wasn't a clone, or accusing Danny of being evil or something] DANNY: oh. BEN: What? DANNY: You're...you're really a superhero? DP: You're like 12 is that safe? [What is the deal with all these young superheroes but say it funnier] BEN: I'm 16!!! DP: Children trying to be superheroes never works out well, trust me kid. BEN: I'm not a child!! Why do you care, huh? DP: Cause I hang out with a lot of superheroes and the heroism business has never done anyone's mental health ANY favors. [DANNY puts his hed in his hands] DANNY: Ugh, tell me about it. BEN: Ha! You AREN'T a normal kid! DANNY: oops. BEN: What can you do?? Do you have GHOST POWERS? [DANNY bites his lip] DANNY: What about you? Do you have powers? BEN: I can turn into any of hundreds of aliens! DANNY: ...care to show me? [BEN looks at the Omnitrix. It's still timed out] BEN: ...in theory... [Danny raises an eyebrow] [meanwhile, Deadpool loses interest. He starts climbing on stuff, looking at the scattered tech.] BEN: Uhhh...can it wait a minute? I just flew here. DANNY: What?? BEN: [gestures to watch, grinning sheepishly] Alien tech! BEN: I swear I'll show you later. What about you! Show me yours! [Deadpool arches an eyebrow at them in the distance] DANNY: ...I guess, since you already guessed it... BEN: What are you so worried about? Ha, haven't you ever met another superhero before? [Ben was sort of kidding, but...] DANNY: BEN: DANNY: Uh, no. Not really. BEN: ...So do you fight bad guys all on your own? DANNY: Uh, yeah? I'm kinda the only person who can. [Reconsiders, and adds with bitterness] Well, the only one who can and will. [Ben thinks about that for a second. He knows how it feels to think you're the only person who can save the world, but Ben is usually wrong when he assumes that's the case. He doesn't like imagining how he'd feel without all the support he's gotten in his hero-ing career. He's genuinely concerned for Danny.] [Danny notices the concern in Ben's expression. Ben seems to be about to say something, but Danny suddenly feels insecure about being pitied. He finally stands up, brushing himself off] DANNY: But like, I have friends, and plenty of tech they can use to help me out. I'm just the only...I guess I'm the only superpowered person willing to deal with fighting ghosts all the time, okay? Whatever! I've been at it for 2 years, I'm used to it. [Ben then adds something together in his head] BEN: Wait, have you never heard of me? Ben 10? DP: Wow! Humble! BEN: No, seriously! Never? Have you ever seen any aliens? DANNY: Uh, no? BEN: Where are you from? DANNY: Colorado. BEN: I've saved the world, like, several times. [DANNY and DP raise an eyebrow each] BEN: Publicly!! People know about me! I'm a big deal!! This is--You guys aren't from here. I need to take you to the Plumbers, so we can-- [A portal powers up again. DANNY seems to suddenly remember something. He goes stiff] DANNY: Oh no. BEN: What? Is that the Ghost Portal? DANNY: Yeah. And you're about to meet the guy who punched me through it. [DP rejoins them to look at the threat] DP: Oh, now that you two have your shit figured out, I should mention I'm from another universe. BEN: WHAT! You said time travel! DP: Yeah, time travel gone horribly, horribly wrong. BEN: How??? I've time travelled a few times and never seen anyine mess it up that bad. DANNY: Yeah since when does time travel take you to other universes? DP: OH SO WE'RE ALL TIME TRAVEL EXPERTS HERE ARE WE??? I'm not telling you two how to live YOUR lives! DP: How about I start bragging about being a superhero expert! Neither of you even know what an X-man *IS!* BEN: Like from the comics? [DP looks at Ben. He won't say it out loud but his expression says "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE"] [BEN shrugs]

[time to get DISJOINTED!!! Here's 2 comic transcripts]

...[some fighting I havent written yet]...

DP: DANNY WHY IS YOUR GHOST DAD SO HOT?? DANNY: HE'S NOT MY DAD. PLEASE DON'T CALL HIM THAT, IT'S A WHOLE *THING* WITH HIM-- [VLAD beams] VLAD: Now, Daniel, is that any way to speak to your father?? DANNY: SEE?! Now he'll never shut up about it! VLAD: I've had enough of your sass, young man! You're GROUNDED. [VLAD spikes Danny into the ground HARD.] [DP is pissed off now. He reaches for his katanas.] DP: Ok I get the picture.

...[more unwritten fighting]...

VLAD: Well, now that I have your undivided attention-- [DANNY has just been punched into the ground. He's sitting up, now] DANNY: --You can start the evil monologue. Joy. VLAD: Evil is such a reductive word. Don't you ever get tired of being beaten half to death to protect people that couldn't care less if you lived or died? [DANNY stands up, with some difficulty] DANNY: You *would* think having a conscience is exhausting. [VLAD is taking a lazy step towards Danny every few moments] VLAD: ...Have you noticed where we are, Daniel? VLAD: Because it isn't Amity Park. It's not even in the same universe as Amity Park. VLAD: And it's not anywhere your idiot father will ever bother finding, seeing as it has nothing whatsoever to do with ghosts. [VLAD is standing over Danny, now] VLAD: Do you know what that means, my boy? VLAD: Nothing I do here can spoil my reputation. VLAD: And none of your little friends are coming to save you. [VLAD places a hand on Danny's shoulder, gripping too tight] VLAD: So VLAD: I'm going to make you the same offer I made you the night of the reunion VLAD: One. Last. Time. VLAD: Either abandon Jack and let me teach you how to really use your powers, [VLAD summons some ghostly energy between his hand and Danny's shoulder] VLAD: Or force me to make poor, dear Maddie file a missing person's report that will never be resolved.

[wow direct segue into comic!]

..[just a tad more unwritten fighting]...

[Vlad has Ben by the neck very far up in the air, and Ben is frantically pressing his Omnitrix] VLAD: [cackles] Goodness, I think your powers might be even more tempermental than Daniel's! It's a little sad, honestly. I was looking forward to a real challenge for once. DP: [on the ground, a distance away] Superpowers shmuperpowers [cocks gun, and fires a couple of shots at Vlad] [Vlad was watching DP talk, unimpressed. He becomes intangible, clearly no longer interested in Ben, allowing him to plummet to his death] [After becoming tangible again, and without breaking eye contact, in a flash of pink energy, Vlad is right in front of Deadpool, and violently pins him to a wall] DP: AWH, you can teleport?! That's not even fair!! VLAD: [close to Deadpools face, crushing his neck harder] No. It isn't. And that's just how I like it. DP: [choking] [thinking] don't say harder daddy don't say harder daddy don't say harder daddy [cut to Ben falling through the air, desperately, repeatedly smacking the Omnitrix] BEN: PLEASE WORK PLEASE WORK PL-- [Danny swoops in and catches him] BEN: [clinging to Danny, obviously spooked but trying to be cool] Thanks! DANNY: [amused] Don't mention it. [Danny puts Ben down on the ground] BEN: Um..where are your legs? DANNY: Oh, they uh...they just do that sometimes. DANNY: Is something wrong with your watch? BEN: [glares at the Omnitrix] It just does this, sometimes. [Danny sees something coming] DANNY: Well you'd better fix it fast! [Ben looks up just as Danny turns them both intangible, seconds before Deadpool is sent hurtling through them and into the ground] [BEN is grinning, watching his hands as they turn re-tangible] BEN: That is SO COOL! I've only ever gotten to do that to myself! Y'know, as an alien! [DANNY was looking at DP's crater, but turns to BEN, surprised at the genuine enthusiasm] DANNY: [maybe blushing a little?] Uh, thanks! [BEN grins at him, and Danny smiles back. They're cute.] [Deadpool's hand pops out of the crater, waving (flailing)...reassuringly?] DP: Don't worry about me, all he did was break [groans] most of my bones. [Danny grabs Ben and pulls him out of the way before Vlad fires an energy blast at Deadpool] VLAD: Still think you can manage without superpowers? [DP sits up painfully and slowly, and coughs] DP: Ac-- [Vlad hits him with a copious amount of energy blasts for an unnecessarily long time as he slowly lowers to the ground] [When Vlad lands and stops firing, he turns around to face Danny and Ben] VLAD: Where were we, Daniel? [Danny is horrified. He's gripping a fistful of Ben's shirt like his life depends on it, expecting to have to save him a third time. Ben is a bit shaken but still determined, and holds his hand at the ready over the Omnitrix] VLAD: ...That was rhetorical, my boy. I had just asked you a very simple question. VLAD: [turning his gaze to Ben] And I don't want to repeat myself. [Ben is not quite picking up on Vlad's thinly veiled threat. Danny, bug-eyed, follows Vlad's gaze to Ben, and is clearly absolutely terrified to be responsible for the deaths of two people he just met. Danny tightens his grip on Ben's shirt.] DANNY: ...I-- [a gunshot hits Vlad from behind. Vlad is completely shocked] [behind him, DEADPOOL is sitting up in the crater, charred to all hell but somehow still alive. He appears to only have one (barely) functioning arm left, which is holding the smoking gun] DP: I never said I didn't have any superpowers, jackass. [DP narrows his eyes] DP: I just like guns. [DP tries to shoot VLAD a few more times, but VLAD has turned intangible, and flies to a safer distance] Vlads gonna say some shit and run off Im not done yet but hoo boy. Oh man.

#void screaming #follow ur crossover dreams

[thebiancarivers]

Coming out tips...

NOTES: I started writing Thursday and I finished it on Saturday. The beginning is a couple days late 😉. Also, I’m a mtf transitionner, so my post might be a bit more focused this time, but the general idea can also be used by ftm transitionners.

Well, today was one hell of a day, once again. It’s funny how often I said that in the past month. I usually say that after a big physical day at work, but I havent made any serious physical effort at work in quite a while.

Anyway, today I told my therapist about everything that happened since my last visit, which is quite a lot. She was really impressed at all the positive reactions and gave my family the unofficial « award for the best reactions of the year ». I realize I was brought up in a loving and very openminded environnement, by exceptional people. I realize I was really lucky because not everybody has that chance, sadly.

I’m giving out tips because they worked for me, but keep in mind that your context might be different and the results might not end up being the same for you. I don’t want anyone to be mad at me because they tried to do as I did and it went wrong...

That being said, my therapist told me I was the first on. She thought it was a really good idea, especially that I can’t see some of my family very often. It’s a simple idea, but I really think it can help.

Tip 6 - A picture is worth a thousand words

Some of you might decide to transition before really exploring their feminity first. In my case, I had been crossdressing for a few years, started learning how to do my makeup and going out in public as Bianca before I decided to go through with the transition. If for any reason, you did not get to explore, the following tip might be a bit harder to realize, but not impossible.

So! The idea is to find your best picture. The one you like the most and that gives you the best feeling about yourself. I chose my profile pic, because it’s one where I look quite different from the original me.

Of course as you explored your feminine side, you probably accumulated a bunch of pictures of yourself. I know I did. The quantity is getting ridiculous, but it’s the forst time in my life I actually enjoy looking at myself, soooo.... 😉

Once you identified the picture, print a copy for each person you tell one on one. Once you have told them about tour dysphoria and gave them a little backstory (I assume you won’t be dressed up when you do your coming out by the way!), you can tell them you have been exploring that side of you for a while and that you would like them to see something. And you give them the picture.

It will let them see that you can actually look feminine, and they will be able to remind themselves of what to eventually expect on a regular basis.

It might sound silly, but it actually helped a lot with my coming outs. The general reaction when I showed the picture, was: « Who is that? ». And then, when they understand it’s you, you sometimes get the most beautiful reactions, because they see who you want to be.

My brother, for example, litterally said: « Wow! I do have a sister! Happy to meet you once again Bianca! ». I almost cried.

My mom and my sister both put the picture on display in a spot where they can see it every day.

So pick a good picture! Here is a quick guideline for what I think makes a good picture to give:

Focus on your face! Your family and friends do not really care how good you look in a dress, keep that for after, during the conversation that will definitely follow. Keep some on your phone for later use, if you need to illustrate your story.

Avoid flashy looks! Show the casual girl! In my case, even though I fool around with flashy eyeshadow from time to time, it’s just for fun. I don’t even go out like that. My prime reason for using makeup, was to feminise my face. Not to get flashy looks. My eyeliner game was really bad until not so long ago and I still struggle at making thin lines 😂. However, when it comes to hiding my beard shadow and putting on foundation and contouring, I’m getting quite good at it and that’s where it pays off!

Refrain from using face and makeup apps! Most of them actually change the shape of your face and it’s not what you want to show. You want your picture to be pretty, yes, but you also want it to be realistic. If your makeup game is not up to the task, keep reading!

Black and white photography is nice and is also an option if you want to « smoothen » some flaws. As you can see, my profile pic is sepia-ish, which goes along the same idea. See the example below!

For example, on the left picture, you can see that my foundation turned out yellowish on the cheek (bad color match, I changed foundation as you can see on the picture on the right). In black and white though, it turns out to be a better picture because you eliminate that flaw.

What if makeup is not your thing yet?

If your makeup skills are not up to the task, or if you simply don’t do it yet, then coming up with a picture that you find satisfying might be harder. There might be a few options for you that you should explore:

Sephora has been giving makeup classes for trans people. They have stores everywhere now, so don’t be shy! Not only you’ll learn tricks, but you’ll walk out with a look and you can snap a few pictures.

Any specialized makeup stores always have a few resident makeup artists and they will all be eager to help you, believe me! They have seen it all, so really, don’t be shy with them. I had a class at MAC and the guy was really cool and really enjoyed helping me!

If you are patient enough, I will eventually make a series about my makeup routine. I am nowhere as good as I would like with eyeshadow (let’s be honest, that’s where all the fun happens!) but I have a solid foundation routine that can last for hours before starting to show too much beard (results may vary, but i have a pretty strong beard, so if you are luckier than me, you should find it pretty efficient).

That’s it for now folks!

Be strong!

Be proud of who you are!

#mtf #trans girl #transitioning #me #trans #trans is beautiful #trans is valid #canada #montreal #selfie #coming out tips #coming out #pictures #apictureisworth1000words

[airoasis]

Bitcoin Cash new cryptocurrency explained! Bitcoin August Fork Split

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/bitcoin-cash-new-cryptocurrency-explained-bitcoin-august-fork-split-2/

Bitcoin Cash new cryptocurrency explained! Bitcoin August Fork Split

Bitcoin money is a fresh new cryptocurrency that officially entered cyber markets on August 1st this 12 months. It came to existence as a resolution of a two-12 months lengthy dispute over designated bitcoins points that arguably constrained its development. Bitcoin money brings principal expand of the block size limit from 1 MB in long-established bitcoin to 8 MB in bitcoin money. Block is a unit of transactions that are made public within the Bitcoins network in order for every body to verify and verify authenticity of ownership, switch, and acceptance of bitcoins despatched within the community. All transactions utilising bitcoin are public to make usage of the cryptocurrency extra comfy for every body. Blocks supplement the need of a valuable bank to keep an eye on the supply of forex in the circulation. Making use of blocks in cryptocurrency everyone is equally the financial institution of the blockchain.To make certain no fraudulent activity takes place when humans send bitcoins amongst every different, there is a workforce of individuals who devote powerful computing power to resolve complex puzzles that help affirm blocks of transactions. This exercise is referred to as mining, and miners are being robotically rewarded for every validated block to develop their incentive to participate voluntarily. This was once originally 50 bitcoins for each and every established block and used to be halved after each and every 210,000 validated blocks. It takes 10 minutes on normal to verify a block on Bitcoin. The smallest 1/2 is 10-eight bitcoins per block, which can also be the smallest unit of Bitcoin. This means that within the yr 2140, last bitcoin will be mined and there will be no more rewards for miners. Fortunately, Bitcoin supplies an option to set aside a component of each and every bitcoin transaction as costs that go to the wallets of the miners. The scale of the block is thus crucially major to preserving trust in Bitcoin, as the validation method is situated on the amount of computing vigour you will convey to the network, and not the number of validations. This approach allowed basically no fees and speedy transaction speeds (fractions of conventional banking).Nonetheless, with the rise of transactions, costs were offered to permit to velocity up the mining method and eliminate gradual down or even rejection of transactions. Both currencies have arguably equal amount of coins in circulation, while the worth of bitcoin money is a fraction smaller than 20% of bitcoin. Bitcoin money copies bitcoin in cryptocurrency elements, but operates on specific principles which are interested by faster development as a substitute than preserving decentralization. The total worth of bitcoin money after the release fluctuated round $7 billion and ranked as the 0.33 or fourth most useful cryptocurrency in the world. On the point of the cut up, each bitcoin and bitcoin cash blockchains had been nonetheless a part of the equal physique, which granted one bitcoin cash for each bitcoin customers owned of their wallets. After the first block was once mined in bitcoin money, thats when a brand new cryptocurrency was born formally, separate and unbiased of bitcoin. While bitcoin is marked as BTC on trade, bitcoin money is known as BCC or BCH.Regardless of the use of the word break up, launch of the Bitcoin money is nowhere near related with a inventory break up. Bitcoin money is its own blockhain, with exact program and price. The two cryptocurrencies simplest share bitcoins transaction history collectively. The whole lot following midday of August 1st 2017 are two independent experiences. All of this got here to existence as common bitcoin cryptocurrency used to be increasingly urgently fitting to face problems of its design. As Bitcoins network grew in numbers, transactions piled up and the 1 MB limit didnt allow the network to increase fast ample without needing considerable results on the usage of bitcoin. The 1MB block size limits the number of transactions to 7 per 2d at most.At the same time Visa with traditional banking can procedure up to fifty six,000 transactions per second with greatly much less computing power. Confirmation of transactions started to have longer delays and thus expenses started out to upward push as bitcoin users tried to jump the ready queue. This predicament has divided the community of bitcoin customers, builders, and miners in half for 2 years with the aid of now. Proponents of bitcoin cash instructed fall of bitcoin because of its incapacity to satisfy developing enterprise without a software alternate. A few crash eventualities have been being drawn, signaling that freezes of bitcoin network and spike in rejected transactions would influence in tremendous exodus of bitcoin customers and downfall of public believe in the cryptocurrency. Bitcoin cash was marketed as lifeboat for the sinking bitcoin ship. The traditionalists, however, maintained that the restrict is not a trojan horse, however a protection measure to hinder the network from being hijacked via strong players, like significant companies or governments in try and centralize and keep an eye on it.It was once also meant to avert validation of fraudulent hobbies like double spending. The proposed 8 MB limit was rejected out of fears that it could rate out small players, giving few mining swimming pools more leverage to influence development of bitcoin of their want. Such excessive entry phases to mining could create powerful single entities controlling an excessive amount of of the Bitcoins network making it more inclined to attacks within the system.The group couldnt find usual ground as any inspiration would have got to gain aid of significant majority of actors concerned within the development of bitcoin. And that has in no way occurred up except the factor of the Bitcoin money fork. When the concept used to be finalized, Bitcoin money used to be trading as a future in late July for from $200 – $400. This variety was once maintained after the release and peaked at $seven hundred for a Bitcoin money. Because it became out now not ample men and women are buying bitcoins, and too many of them have been keen to eliminate it, which with simple economics, results in drop of costs. Bitcoin money used to be rejected through some tremendous alternate boards making it unimaginable for most homeowners of Bitcoin money to promote it for other cryptocurrency and even fiat money.In addition, mining blocks of Bitcoin money turned out to be painfully sluggish. That used to be because of excessive predicament of entry phases to mining and in addition high opportunity rate for miners to dedicate their assets to mining a fresh new cryptocurrency as a substitute of usual bitcoin. The problem with bitcoin cash is highly unstable at this point. Costs are now crashing to double digits. However, Bitcoin money might find some success after all, as it obtained help from two foremost cryptocurrency exchanges that beforehand rejected it, Coinbase and GDAX. Velocity of mining new blocks also elevated to at least one block each hour as of making of this video, after Bitcoin money lowered mining main issue. Things trade every minute with developed cryptography.Meanwhile, Bitcoin is ready to put into effect their counter-approach to the growing difficulty by altering the structure of bitcoin transaction utilising SegWit Segregated Witness. This clearly implies that a block will no longer remember as 1 million bytes, but 1,000,000 items. Where signature phase, the witness, can be stripped from each and every transaction, which take up roughly 60% of transaction measurement. Each and every witness byte might be counted as zero.25 units, which very nearly enables increase of the maximum block dimension. Also Bitcoin will increase its block capacity to 2 MB in the subsequent six months. We’re about to see how the consequences of SegWit examine to the destiny of Bitcoin cash fork as soon as activation takes location this August. The bottom line of these ceasefire is that it perfectly reflects attempts of emerging groups to gain influence the place the cash flows. Both SegWit and Bitcoin money fork were realized underneath close watch and foyer of the biggest players on the bitcoin market.No vigour is going to need to coexistence with a decentralized cryptocurrency with such a big worth. There may be various politics worried in this science of math. Every crisis will function an opportunity to pursue whats satisfactory for their process to achieve extra. Bitcoin is a location for face-off amongst customers, miners, developers, start-ups, businesses and even governments. We havent such a battleground but. Thanks very so much for watching. I am hoping my efforts helped you understand the present crypto-quagmire thats been going. In case you like my, exhibit your aid with the aid of clicking the like button, leaving a remark and sharing the video.Also subscribe for extra analyses like this one someday. .

[batterymonster2021]

Bitcoin Cash new cryptocurrency explained! Bitcoin August Fork Split

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/bitcoin-cash-new-cryptocurrency-explained-bitcoin-august-fork-split-2/

Bitcoin Cash new cryptocurrency explained! Bitcoin August Fork Split

Bitcoin money is a fresh new cryptocurrency that officially entered cyber markets on August 1st this 12 months. It came to existence as a resolution of a two-12 months lengthy dispute over designated bitcoins points that arguably constrained its development. Bitcoin money brings principal expand of the block size limit from 1 MB in long-established bitcoin to 8 MB in bitcoin money. Block is a unit of transactions that are made public within the Bitcoins network in order for every body to verify and verify authenticity of ownership, switch, and acceptance of bitcoins despatched within the community. All transactions utilising bitcoin are public to make usage of the cryptocurrency extra comfy for every body. Blocks supplement the need of a valuable bank to keep an eye on the supply of forex in the circulation. Making use of blocks in cryptocurrency everyone is equally the financial institution of the blockchain.To make certain no fraudulent activity takes place when humans send bitcoins amongst every different, there is a workforce of individuals who devote powerful computing power to resolve complex puzzles that help affirm blocks of transactions. This exercise is referred to as mining, and miners are being robotically rewarded for every validated block to develop their incentive to participate voluntarily. This was once originally 50 bitcoins for each and every established block and used to be halved after each and every 210,000 validated blocks. It takes 10 minutes on normal to verify a block on Bitcoin. The smallest 1/2 is 10-eight bitcoins per block, which can also be the smallest unit of Bitcoin. This means that within the yr 2140, last bitcoin will be mined and there will be no more rewards for miners. Fortunately, Bitcoin supplies an option to set aside a component of each and every bitcoin transaction as costs that go to the wallets of the miners. The scale of the block is thus crucially major to preserving trust in Bitcoin, as the validation method is situated on the amount of computing vigour you will convey to the network, and not the number of validations. This approach allowed basically no fees and speedy transaction speeds (fractions of conventional banking).Nonetheless, with the rise of transactions, costs were offered to permit to velocity up the mining method and eliminate gradual down or even rejection of transactions. Both currencies have arguably equal amount of coins in circulation, while the worth of bitcoin money is a fraction smaller than 20% of bitcoin. Bitcoin money copies bitcoin in cryptocurrency elements, but operates on specific principles which are interested by faster development as a substitute than preserving decentralization. The total worth of bitcoin money after the release fluctuated round $7 billion and ranked as the 0.33 or fourth most useful cryptocurrency in the world. On the point of the cut up, each bitcoin and bitcoin cash blockchains had been nonetheless a part of the equal physique, which granted one bitcoin cash for each bitcoin customers owned of their wallets. After the first block was once mined in bitcoin money, thats when a brand new cryptocurrency was born formally, separate and unbiased of bitcoin. While bitcoin is marked as BTC on trade, bitcoin money is known as BCC or BCH.Regardless of the use of the word break up, launch of the Bitcoin money is nowhere near related with a inventory break up. Bitcoin money is its own blockhain, with exact program and price. The two cryptocurrencies simplest share bitcoins transaction history collectively. The whole lot following midday of August 1st 2017 are two independent experiences. All of this got here to existence as common bitcoin cryptocurrency used to be increasingly urgently fitting to face problems of its design. As Bitcoins network grew in numbers, transactions piled up and the 1 MB limit didnt allow the network to increase fast ample without needing considerable results on the usage of bitcoin. The 1MB block size limits the number of transactions to 7 per 2d at most.At the same time Visa with traditional banking can procedure up to fifty six,000 transactions per second with greatly much less computing power. Confirmation of transactions started to have longer delays and thus expenses started out to upward push as bitcoin users tried to jump the ready queue. This predicament has divided the community of bitcoin customers, builders, and miners in half for 2 years with the aid of now. Proponents of bitcoin cash instructed fall of bitcoin because of its incapacity to satisfy developing enterprise without a software alternate. A few crash eventualities have been being drawn, signaling that freezes of bitcoin network and spike in rejected transactions would influence in tremendous exodus of bitcoin customers and downfall of public believe in the cryptocurrency. Bitcoin cash was marketed as lifeboat for the sinking bitcoin ship. The traditionalists, however, maintained that the restrict is not a trojan horse, however a protection measure to hinder the network from being hijacked via strong players, like significant companies or governments in try and centralize and keep an eye on it.It was once also meant to avert validation of fraudulent hobbies like double spending. The proposed 8 MB limit was rejected out of fears that it could rate out small players, giving few mining swimming pools more leverage to influence development of bitcoin of their want. Such excessive entry phases to mining could create powerful single entities controlling an excessive amount of of the Bitcoins network making it more inclined to attacks within the system.The group couldnt find usual ground as any inspiration would have got to gain aid of significant majority of actors concerned within the development of bitcoin. And that has in no way occurred up except the factor of the Bitcoin money fork. When the concept used to be finalized, Bitcoin money used to be trading as a future in late July for from $200 – $400. This variety was once maintained after the release and peaked at $seven hundred for a Bitcoin money. Because it became out now not ample men and women are buying bitcoins, and too many of them have been keen to eliminate it, which with simple economics, results in drop of costs. Bitcoin money used to be rejected through some tremendous alternate boards making it unimaginable for most homeowners of Bitcoin money to promote it for other cryptocurrency and even fiat money.In addition, mining blocks of Bitcoin money turned out to be painfully sluggish. That used to be because of excessive predicament of entry phases to mining and in addition high opportunity rate for miners to dedicate their assets to mining a fresh new cryptocurrency as a substitute of usual bitcoin. The problem with bitcoin cash is highly unstable at this point. Costs are now crashing to double digits. However, Bitcoin money might find some success after all, as it obtained help from two foremost cryptocurrency exchanges that beforehand rejected it, Coinbase and GDAX. Velocity of mining new blocks also elevated to at least one block each hour as of making of this video, after Bitcoin money lowered mining main issue. Things trade every minute with developed cryptography.Meanwhile, Bitcoin is ready to put into effect their counter-approach to the growing difficulty by altering the structure of bitcoin transaction utilising SegWit Segregated Witness. This clearly implies that a block will no longer remember as 1 million bytes, but 1,000,000 items. Where signature phase, the witness, can be stripped from each and every transaction, which take up roughly 60% of transaction measurement. Each and every witness byte might be counted as zero.25 units, which very nearly enables increase of the maximum block dimension. Also Bitcoin will increase its block capacity to 2 MB in the subsequent six months. We’re about to see how the consequences of SegWit examine to the destiny of Bitcoin cash fork as soon as activation takes location this August. The bottom line of these ceasefire is that it perfectly reflects attempts of emerging groups to gain influence the place the cash flows. Both SegWit and Bitcoin money fork were realized underneath close watch and foyer of the biggest players on the bitcoin market.No vigour is going to need to coexistence with a decentralized cryptocurrency with such a big worth. There may be various politics worried in this science of math. Every crisis will function an opportunity to pursue whats satisfactory for their process to achieve extra. Bitcoin is a location for face-off amongst customers, miners, developers, start-ups, businesses and even governments. We havent such a battleground but. Thanks very so much for watching. I am hoping my efforts helped you understand the present crypto-quagmire thats been going. In case you like my, exhibit your aid with the aid of clicking the like button, leaving a remark and sharing the video.Also subscribe for extra analyses like this one someday. .

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2017 WORKING TUTORIAL П†

Last updated: This has been tested and is working on all compatible models as of 03/12/2017. I've always thought, as well as much of my friends, that a paid PSN might notice the features required compete with Xbox Live and overtake it. Now that it came to pass, I'm much less than sure in the paid solution. If you do not get 50$ code , just try 20 or 10 , i get them most of the time since 50$ codes take a bit of time to refresh. Free-psn-codes is a premier site that offers useful information, tips and cheats for obtaining PSN codes. In order to advertise their products, our sponsors supply us with limited PSN cards every day, which we in-turn give to you. Get the PSN code generator immediately and begin creating every one of them on the grounds that boundless fervor anticipates on your most loved support. Just follow the steps show above, you will be taken to the generated psn code after generating the code using our tool. Living inside the Lexington vicinity you may well be curious about that enables you to get hold of Playstation Network cards to obtain PSN game. PlayStation also allows you to browse the web and use PlayStation app services on iOS or Android. Copyright © 2017 Cracks and Keygen - Best site with working keygens, cracks, hacks and bots for games and free programs! Basically a PSN (PlayStation Network) generator is a program that uses a preexisting list of psn access codes and outputs a code from the list. Now that you've registered a PSN account (for free) you're ready for the upgrade. However, there's typical mistakes newbie player dilemma of not understanding how to download the NCAA rosters in their PS3 processes. As we wrote earlier, the algorithm exploits the insane amount of code combinations in order to generate a possibly unused key. I would give it the 5 stars if i get my $10 added too my psn account they never got added and i never got the rest of my code its been like almost a month and i still havent gotten anything too my email. Your usage of this PSN code generator will remain entirely anonymous as we clear our server cache at the end of every day. Two, quick delivery: the moment the user enters their email the automatic generator sends them an email right away. This is our first release we serverd more then 500K psn codes to our happy user's in just a year. There is currently no registration or download required to use the PSN code generator. Enter a email address of your account and then choose the appropriate the value of your psn gift card code.

Now you can generate free PSN codes anywhere you go, directly in your web browser, and on all of your devices. Any digital media that is purchased from Sony's store will appear directly into your account as it typically would with a legitimately purchased code. We started our psn code generator project first in november 2013 to provide unlimited free psn codes to playstation lover's. In this particular article, I realize a place where you can download The exorcist Elite Squadron PSP Go game together with other PSP Go games for free absolutely no additional end up costing. Since the code are generated on the servers you don't have to download anything. Moment activity data is only valid for Moments created after December 23rd 2016. Approach two: The QR psn codes generator will have you transfer a URL extension. But somewhere out there is a card with that same 50$ code you just used, asswipe. Guess the rival, XBOX 360 has already taken security measure simply XBOX Live network, offers more users than PSN (psn cards free). This tool is online based and uses scripts that are hosted on our own servers and on public secured cloud servers for better response times. If you love being competitive, there's just no way that you can forget about this feature as PSN Plus accounts are required for multiplayer games. Simply connect your account, select your desired code, and lean back while the generator does the rest. PSN games aren't that cheap, especially if you don't live in one of those countries with higher standards. The generator works server side meaning the generation is done via our servers not your PC. That is why no download is required. Therefore, we decided to share this generator with other gamers absolutely for FREE! When you generate enough points, to redeem your free PSN voucher simply exchange your Whaff Rewards points for a PSN free card. Do not miss this wonderful opportunity and get your free codes now with PSN Code Generator. Our guide can help you learn about the ways in which you can get free PSN cards and vouchers that you can use to buy all kinds of items that are on display at the Store. Such is the case with PSN cards, and these cards act as online wallets that allow customers to buy items from the Sony Entertainment Network Store. One of the foremost appealing things regarding these code generators is that they're rather straightforward to use and you are doing not have to be compelled to undergo any elaborate processes to achieve access to the codes you would like. If playstation network card code generator you (or was you) then 100 % possible relate. Please select a survey below and fill it out with correct information in order to receive your decided amount. You should know by now why you´re here and you wouldn´t have found us if you weren´t looking for free PSN codes. But hey if anyone wants to buy a £50 PSN voucher off me I'm selling them for a bargain price of just all your money. In fact, I made a quick video to show you guys how the psn code generator works and to give you a quick tutorial. Sony also accepted the fact that digital copies of their products are much more convenient than the traditional hard copies, and that is why they introduced the system of PSN vouchers and cards. If you share our views that PSN games are simply too expensive and that paying well over fifty dollars for a single games is way too much, then you are welcome to use our generator. This PlayStation Code Generator is one of the few tools that allows you to generate PSN codes without any risks. The time it takes to get a code varies on your; computer speed, how tech savvy you are, and how fast you read, but for a average person it takes about 5 minutes. First, you have to hack into a database, which would be pretty secure, then you have to figure out the API, then you have to make the generator. Ainsi, vous devez vous assurer que vous ne perdez pas votre temps et que vous utilisez bien le generateur de code PSN qui vous fournira des codes legitimes qui peuvent etre utilises pour telecharger les jeux que vous aimez. When hoping generate code for your website, really way to do this should be to get a PHP psn code generator. You don´t have to download any programs for this to work and all you really need is a good Internet connection and an up-to-date browser. After you have invited 5 of your friends, you'll be required to complete a short survey. The PlayStation Network encompasses online gaming , music, television and movie streaming services. A psn card can only be applied to the PlayStation®Network As soon as the card is redeemed, its cost appears in the PlayStation®Wallet. This account is no different from any other account that you may create online. In an effort to control the abuse of our generator are all new users required to take part in a short verification upon their first visit. We offer you access the PSN Code Generator free of charge and you can access it only in the online world. Best way to get psn cards online for free and legit is with the app AppTrailers on ios or android. However, if someone were to breach into PSN and Successfully steal their codes. A QR code or Quick Response Code is a sort of a matrix barcode which are 2-dimensional and will definitely be easily scanned with QR Code Reader. All you have to do is share the content once with your friends to help them out and then fill out a quick survey to prove that you aren't a bot. If you have any questions about the PSN Code Generator , please write them in the comment. A PlayStation network provides you the facility to connect with numerous players which are on-line and present in different parts from the features of each PSN and Xbox reside are specific exact same however a few of the PSN needs for cash. You can surf the Internet on your living room television, play multi player on line games like Call of Duty, and download some free game demos. One particular title that does it best is the psn cards free exclusive, Flower. God knows how as it never generated a valid one for online play again after trying a good few hundred times. You'll be advised if the produced code is invalid, and if that happens, essentially rehash the procedure. If you click the button above and visit the actual generator page you will see that this is an online application. The process of using the vouchers is as simple as it gets, and you only have to gather enough points on the websites that offer free PSN cards before you can ask for the code that will send you your $10 or $20 valued cards. However, there's frequent newbie player dilemma of not understanding how to download the NCAA rosters of their useful reference PS3 structures. PlayStation Plus accounts also benefit from discounts, online game saves, instant game collection, and many other benefits such as early access to exclusive games, automatic downloads and installation, free games, and so on. We hand select and test every survey to make sure they are quick and to the point. The PSN card codes, that have been generated with our generator, are indistinguishable from the official codes and even withstand manual security reviews. Our PSN code generator can create any amount of free PSN codes, so in other words, we have an unlimited source of free PSN codes in our hands. I recently stumbled upon what I thought to be a fake site because of how good the author made his PSN generator sound. Most of the sites that offer free PSN vouchers will require only a little bit of your time, and that's all. Le but de fournir des codes PSN gratuits est d'offrir un chemin alternatif a ceux qui sont a la recherche de moyens qui leur permettraient d'avoir acces a leurs jeux favoris sans contraintes financieres. There square measure others PSN codes that need a mastercard payment, thus gamers need to browse the fine details before clicking on the link. Obviously, the first advantage of Psn code generator is that they help you have the experience you've always dreamt of without allowing you to the scratch your wallet. If you still don't understand how to get PSN codes, checkout this video tutorial below. Security breaches to the PSN network were more a hiccup and security is some thing will need to be robustly addressed, particularly a concern onset of ‘Play Community'. If we caught that you are selling the free psn codes that you are getting on the tutorial, we will forcely close the tutorial. The generator would require you to choose the kind of card you're aiming to get, share it one of the following: Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Reddit, Delicious, Stumbleupon, Linkedin. This is free make an account if you want to play games online or access the PlayStation Search. This website comes with the ideal solution to this problem Now you can get free PSN codes in few simple steps. There are different types of PSN cards, and they contain different amounts of money. We rarely send out emails even though we do collect your emails, we don't do this on purpose, our system just saves them when we you get a code from our website. You can read through the article to find out how the author obtained the PSN hack and why they are free. Additionally you can download lots of games for affordable prices with the free psn code. That's 100% not true, people add surveys to protect their content, and that's exactly what we're doing. The PSN code generators additionally give you with a chance to accumulate membership, which is able to offer you access to even a lot of codes and games. The generator assists you to create your credit points for obtaining games, films, music and lots of much more goods that you simply want to acquire. The benefit with these PSN cards is that they're simple to implement and are easily accepted by the majority of the gamers of PlayStation. As with any software the you find here at , our free PSN generator software is available completely free of charge.

Generating free PSN codes has genuinely never been easier and we hope to keep it this way. For a person looking for just some free psn codes, they could waste hours scouring the web just to end up with nothing. Lots of companies are available, that offer no cost Qr psn codes generator regarding their purchasers, who has essential. Once you enter the giveaway contest, you can hope to get a PSN card of any possible value but also a PSN plus card. Playstation Network is world's ultimate online gaming system, but the truth is that access to exclusive services can be quite costly! I wanted to keep this a secret at first, but after redeeming over $500 worth of free PSN codes, I had to share it with others. Everything in life is not free but some things are and again some need luck, for you to get it for free which is why free PSN gift card codes are nothing short of your luck personified. Locking PSN Codes with a survey and referrals is the most free and fair way as it can http://psncodegenerator.us/ get. The administrators gave their word that the online generator will remain available as long as the algorithm used by Sony in the Playstation Store doesn't change. PSN is really a shortcut for PlayStation Network and it is just a creation just like Steam or Origin.