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simonthechaste · 1 year

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I have been thinking quite a lot about my hot ex, again. We had a fling back when I was 42, with her being 17. It lasted only three months but they were quite a three months. It's all a decade in the past now, but I never got over her, and I still masturbate and cum regularly thinking about her, and wailing out her name aloud.

It's not that I think we could somehow get back together, on anything like that. I understand very well she got over me without any effort after dumping my ass. She has since then continued her life, and I'm quite happy about it. I am pretty sure she doesn't even remember me anymore, even though I cannot never forget her.

I think what I miss the most isn't her, who she is now, but her how she was back then, and even more specifically, the connection we had. Despite our age difference she was the more confident of us, as well as more cultured and sophisticated one. I was timid, awkward, unsure of myself, in many ways her total opposite, and I felt like a little kid next to her.

I guess it is needless to add it was she who did the approaching, initiated everything and made the relationship happen. One could say she picked me up like a ripe apple from a tree. I would never, ever have the guts to approach that angelic being. I can only suspect what it must have looked from outside, though.

Sexually she was shall we say experienced, and in every respect everything I could have ever hope for. She was wonderfully dominant, delightfully sadistic, adventurous, playful, witty, incredibly intelligent and most of the time insatiably horny. She was also one of the women who introduced me to chastity play.

I still wonder what she saw me back then. Clearly, she had lived a busy life sexually, and could have gotten anyone she wanted, and she knew it too. I asked her about it many times, and she assured me I was both "fuckable", and, to use her favourite word of me, "adorkable".

I can only guess she found something endearing in the conflicted mess I was. I was in a quite a bad shape sexually and emotionally at that point, due to the seven year catastrophe that was my first relationship. So I couldn't believe my luck when I found a person I could actually enjoy sex with.

Sex in our case, mind you, meant me going down on her, which she insisted I was super good at, something I had never been told. That naturally made me doubly more enthusiastic pleasuring her with my tongue. I think I got to actually cum in her presence perhaps once or twice during those three months.

We talked about doing it in the old-fashioned way, of course. However, I was already impotent at that point meaning it would have required some preparations we never had time for. She was quite happy with me being impotent and I can only hope she found it a bit amusing as well.

One reason for her not being in a hurry getting me hard was the fact she had been 100% lesbian before me, which I think made me love her even more. Quickly after dumping me she started dating guys though, so I can only guess I was a sort of safe testing ground what it is like having sex with a male.

At the time we were together she was still at high school and living at home, meaning we didn't have as much time together we would have wanted. Whenever we saw each other we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and whenever we had privacy we spent it with my face buried in her crotch.

Instead of actually doing things together we had a our chat. Like any good teenager she always had her iPhone and I was constantly on Facebook. We spent most of our time that way, both of us rubbing ourselves silly, me edging my limp clit at home for her, and her getting off at home to my words. I still cum reading those chat logs.

We didn't get to do much of the stuff we planned during our conversations. However, what made our relationship magical wasn't so much about the things we actually got to do, but the tone in our relationship. It was like living three months in a hypersexual, submissive high.

I know it could have never work out, but I didn't care. After she dumped me I was told she had been two-timing behind my back the whole time she was with me, but I must say it didn't matter at time, it still doesn't.

And I'm merely incredibly grateful I got to experience those lovely three months with her.

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stonebutchcowboy · 4 years

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Faggot Butch

“I hated that essay, “ he says to me, “about femmes who care for you when you travel; I really hated it.” And when I ask why he tells me that he thinks it sounds like all butches should be soothed by femmes, and vica versa; he says, “Why would those femmes have assumed that you were a butch who liked femme?” He says, “Maybe you’re a faggot butch, did they even consider that?” He says, “I know you’re not just for femmes.”

That’s what he says, but I know what he’s thinking. And even though I know how dangerous it is to assume I know what someone is thinking, I know this butch maybe as well as I know myself, and he’s thinking, “Fuck you, for having it easy even in being queer. Fuck you for going along on your happy little way to San Francisco and finding a bunch of femmes who see you as a big stud-duck butch and just want to pour themselves through your fingers. It’s just as hard to be a faggot butch as it is to be any kind of fag.”

There’s all that masculinity to consider when you want to rub up against someone, like that old joke about porcupines:

How do porcupines mate?

Very carefully

He’s saying, “ I want to show up at brunch someplace and assume that anyone who I want to flirt with will want to flirt back, and will do it, will want to, without fear of recrimination from hir community. I want you to put something in that book of yours for me. I am a butch whose identity, sexual or otherwise, has nothing to do with femmes. They are not my natural partners in this gender crime the way they are yours.I wake up and sleep in the arms of butches like me, butches who understand the whole host of things about my life, my world, the way I see things, the way things affect me that no one else could understand. Write about us. Write about that we have sweet hot sex in which no one has to put on a pair of panties, or take them off; write about how good it feels when ze fucks me hard, so hard. Write about ho it feels to fall asleep with the weight of a butch on you, tattooed arm and one furry leg pinning you down and grounding you in your sleep.

“Write about all the ways in which butches are for each other, comfort each other. Write about how we understand all the shit that comes in the world for our partners and salve it as best we can, about how I have all the more respect for hir because of all I know it takes to survive as a butch.

“Write about how, as soon as butches were no longer the scourge of dykedom for aping masculinity, or whatever that baloney was, it became faggot butches who were scorned and derided. Everyone understands butch/femme because it seems familiar, like Ozzie and Harriet but with better hair and more pussy. Everyone understands femme on femme, even though you don’t see it often because it doesn’t read queer, you know, but it’s in the first images of ‘lesbian love’ most of us see, in porn or on television. Two long haired pretty girls smooching in a daring fashion wherever they happen to be. No one’s threatened by that, not the dykes, not the men, nobody, but if I want to kiss my butch anywhere, I’d be damned sure of my audience, or better yet, better be sure we don’t have one.

“I can be a butch without opening doors for girls,” He’s saying. “I can do it even if I follow while dancing, I can do it without spending mu Saturday afternoons as a femmes shopping bottom at the mall and I do. I am. I am honorable, I take good care of the people I love, as well as I possibly can; I watch out for my community. I have a butch heart full of love that I can express when I feel safe enough; I walk in the world resisting gender norms and transgressing gender rules, transcending them. I am fixing whatever I can, whenever I can, and I laugh, and play, and let the spaces in my masculinity show, just like you, just like every butch. I get all slicked up in a suit and tie and I pick up my date, also in a suit and tie, and we just open the door if we get to it first and we take turns paying, and it doesn’t make me less butch. It doesn’t make me less anything. It doesn’t mean that I don’t think femmes are swell, I surely do, but they are not my salvation when I travel, they are not the North of my heart’s compass. That’s butches for me, and I will always go a little weak when I see someone scared and hardened and delighted and ashamed and proud -- proud like me.

“You’re writing a book? Of course, I’m glad, but don’t chicken out. Don’t write a book that speaks so many volumes about your adoration for femmes that it leaves out the ways in which I know you cherish butches too. Yes, not the same was as you cherish femmes, entirely differently, butches and femmes are different creatures, sure, but I don’t just mean how glad you are and will always be to have butch brothers, a butch tribe. I mean, make sure you don’t forget to mention that you put butches on their knees in front of you from and enjoy them, that you kneel down too, that you sit sometimes stunned by how much you want to lick a buzz cut or a hot tattoo, that you know what a great grace it is to fall asleep next to a butch’s heart nad muscle and skin and ink and fur, that you understand how wonderful it can be to feel butch arms around you. Make sure you mention me, make sure you give me and my lovers and my life the same benefit of some of your words, make sure you don’t write another book that leaves us on the cutting-room floor. Give us a place on the landscape, help us become visible. Say this: Say that when butches love butches they hold lightning between them, that it burns as much as it illuminates. That it’s the sweetest burn I’ve ever known in my life of searing pain, that keeps me from feeling the flames of the world’s hate licking the soles of my boots, that I hold it in my heart and it fuels me every day. Say that it shows me things I could never see in any other way, that without it I would grow cold and die. Say there is nothing else I’d rather be.”

- S. Bear Bergman, Faggot Butch, Butch is a Noun, 2006

#butch #butchbutch #butch4butch #faggot butch #reading #quotes #s bear bergman #butch is a noun

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facelessxchurch · 4 years

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What we’re your thoughts about the book?

Some asks were answered already in this post already so I just smacked those asks in here at the part where I talk about the topic in question, which is why the answer may not 100% fit the question.

Massive “Seasons of War” spoilers below the cut:

First off, of all, this book read like GoT/any zombie movie ever. With the necromancers being like the white walkers, Vile is the night king and daugar are the wights. even with the necromancers crumbling away after Vile got killed Tell me I’m not the only one seeing that.

I think there was a lot of fanservice and some confirmed headcanons in the book, which I really liked. Saracen magic got revealed, there was a return to the Leibniz dimension, the Vile vs Vile fight so many wanted finally happened (tho that was kinda underwhelming) and the Dead Men returned which I’m sure made a lot of people happy.

Ravel poisoning Saracen during the war and Vile being so powerful bc of being dead were two popular headcanons that got confirmed. And I am personally so happy that this book killed the ‘there is no sarcasm in the Leibniz dimension’ headcanon bc I bloody hated that.

Finally, Landy tries to please the old fans instead instead of what feels like purposefully pissing them off. I guess the phase 2 book sales weren’t that great so far (nice try blaming it on the pandemic, but no).

I’m also glad that the romance in this book was kept to a minimum bc The Val/Militsa kiss in the beginning, yikes, fanfiction has better written kisses than that. And the the dialog for the lesbian love triangle (bc for some reason Ms.Wicked aka Laura’s self insert is Militsa’s ex??) was cringy and stiff as hell, it felt more like first graders trying to do a dramatic play and not natural at all.

Surprisingly enough Mevolent’s and Serafina’s relationship seems to be the most healthy and romantic in the entire series and I have no idea if that was on purpose or if Landy just has twisted views on relationships.

I however am actually kinda happy with how Mev was written. He was sympathetic and charismatic, tho some of the stuff he did doesn’t fit to they way he’s characterised when he’s on screen (I know he is probably lying 90% of the time he speaks, but still). Like, banning all languages apart from English doesn’t seem like something a man who cares about culture, literature and art would do. It also seems kinda stupid bc those languages will be forgotten eventually and if they need an old text translated no one will be able to do it. Also, why English? Isn’t Mev old enough that his first/original language should be Gaelic? So weird. I have the feeling this was mainly done so Valkyrie (and with that the audience) can understand what the people on the continent are saying bc I very much doubt she understands/speaks any languages apart from English.

But I loved that Mev was also shown as insanely smart. He managed to outsmart Val multiple times. And I love how he doesn’t need his magic to fight, how quick and agil and skilled he is. So I take it that his fighting style is more based on agility and not getting hit, and he uses brute force only when forced into it (by Darquesse/the Unnamed). I was wondering about that bc his armor is made of leather and chainmail instead of metal plates which is considered light armor and not something a tank type of fighter would wear.

What really rubbed me the wrong way tho was when he was talking Tanith and Skul and more or less stated the war wasn’t a challenge anymore ever since Skul died. Or when he was talking to Val being like ‘you’re more powerful than I could ever hope to be’.It bothers me even more knowing that Val is based on girlfriend!Laura. Does really everyone and everything in-vers, even a big bad like Mev, rub Skul’s/Landy’s and Val’s/Laura’s ego? Big yikes.

Crespular Vies is surprisingly fun. At first I thought the two men going after the Obsidian Blade were hired by the Unnamed, but since that wasn’t the case, I think Crespular Vines hired them that so he could show up in time to save Omen and his friends. I think him opening up to Omen about being Skul’s former partner came too unprompted, too quickly and that he is trying to gain Omen’s trust so he can get close to Skul through him. I think another giveaway that that’s the case is bc one of the men Omen had to meet to get his brother back wore a Cleaver outfit and Vies gave that man probably the same reasoning Omen gave him.

That said Omen’s chapters were surprisingly enjoyable. By what I had heard of others I expected a sad sack that can’t fight worth a damn.

I’m not found of the Temper/Kierre stuff, it came out of nowhere.

Val is overpowered AF, it seems that she can get on Darquesses level with more practise/learning how to keep the doors open. She certainly needs to be nerfed.

Also I skipped the Darquesse chapters bc I’m giving negative fucks about her and the plague doctor.

The last 10% of the book were too rushed and felt like half finished thoughts.

Also I was kinda really bothered by the citizen of the Leibniz dimension. They were cartoonishly racist and it was very pretty black and white for the most part AKA everybody good is in the Resistance and all other sorcerers are evil/corrupt. That is also shown by there being children in the Resistance camp while there was no mention of children in the mage cities. In reality, most people are fairly mellow and it’s just a small percentage that is either really good or really wicked. I would have liked to see more racism towards mortals in form of apathy or ‘the soft bigotry of low expectations’ like I’ve seen it from Serpine in DotL. You know, make it a little less black and white.

Also, I understand the mermaids, but the bats in Europe were random AF. Like, I would understand it if they were just in Romania/Transylvania as a nod to the Dracula-typ vampire legends originating from there. As a plot-device they weren’t really needed to keep the protagonists from flying bc the danger of getting spotted by necromancer by doing so should be enough of a threat to keep them on the ground. This might seem nit-picky of me, but the bats just seemed so bloody random to me like wtf????

And also bc I’m a slut for magical creatures, I would have really liked to see more of them than just daugar and giant bats. Some undead cut together and resurrected necromancer experiments would have been pretty cool tbh. Like whatever the hell this is.

Something like zombie bears would have also been acceptable, I mean, bears are fucking terrifying on their own, let alone when undead and decaying.

I’m kinda pissed at China that she wanted Skul to kill Nef, but it does seem in character. Of course I still don’t like it bc I headcanon as Nef, Eliza and China having been besties during the war (no matter what canon says, I’m keeping that headcanon). I’m surprised Skul didn’t let Wreath have Nef considering that. Then again, he thought Nef might still be useful. And he was right. I loved how Nef actually had an essential part in saving the world by throwing the bomb. So proud of my boi <3 But Skul refused to kill him even after that. Could it be that Skul is finally getting character growth and development? 👀

Aaaand, China’s continuing to be a tyrant. With Tanith’s sense of justices flaring up shown when he killed the city governor, Erato, and Nef being shown to go after people that betray him (Lorien) I think those two are being set up to go after China to kill her (and to probably kill Creed too). Imagine Eliza joining the team bc she want a piece of China too.

I feel sorry for Baron, but at least he got a few speaking lines this time around. Still, I really wanted Nef to save him. :C Like, he suffered so much before he died too considering he spend a year alone starving and thirsty with broken legs in the middle of nowhere wft, why is Baron getting fucked over like this? #BaronDeservedBetter2020 he is the only honorable person of all faceless followers and he’s the one that gets screwed over in every book he shows up in, why tho- 😭

Speaking of Nef, I absolutely loved him in this book, he was a delight and stealing the show whenever he was on the page, despite being used as punching bag through pretty much the entire book. If people have always treated him that way I can see why he turned evil jfc that poor man. Despite that, he was still being such a clever, funny and relatable bae <3 He’s described as ‘cynical, and nasty but also kinda cheerful’ and as liking to ‘needle’ people (aka trolling and roasting) by Val and that essentially describes every shitposter on the internet ever. And I so loved the way he roasted Saracen lmao

And how he’s so clever, like the Lorien part was my favourite scene closely followed by how Nef essentially talked Remus Crux into getting himself killed, just 👌 smart snek boi, I love him <3 Also I hope he keeps poisoning everybody thoughts against Skul like how he had already been doing it to Tanith, he’s poison in human form and that’s just my jam.

That obedience bracelet was kinda fucked up tho.

Why does this thing even exist? Aren't electro shocks or any other form of pain enough instead of shutting his nervous system down/rendering him completely defenceless? I feel like some messed up mage 100% used it to keep himself (sex) slaves at some point in time :/ Landy might have gotten that idea from some fucked up hentai. Even the implications of the name "obedience bracelet".... I can’t be the only one that got creepy perv vibes from that thing, right?

Btw what the fuck happened to Harmony? You know, Leibniz Serpine’s girlfriend. She hasn’t been mentioned again. Did she die? She didn’t seem too found of him in DotL, was she plotting against him and he found out about it, killed her and fled the Resistance? Or did she die prior to him leaving and it was part of the reason he left bc she was the only thing that had tied him emotionally to the Resistance?? Or Landy just forgot she existed. I would not be surprised.

Of course my biggest issue with this book was how he retconned Nef’s magic and how he took his trademark, his red hand, away, but more about that in a different post.

TL;DR: Nef was a delight even though he was done dirty. Mev’s scenes were a 50/50 split between good and bad. I actually liked the Crespulare and Omen chapters. The Unnamed was a disappointment. The last 10% of the book were to rushed and the final fights that were supposed to be the biggest were underwhelming. The rest is meh, didn’t really care tbh. Let’s be real here, I only bought this book bc Nef played a bigger role in it, anyways.

#skulduggery pleasant #seasons of war #seasons of war spoilers #review #book review #I hate 'read more'#but this got so bloody long #RIP mobile users #long post #Anonymous #answered

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dellgirl · 5 years

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Strong, Independent Female characters which I admire

Today I was asked to choose fictional people in pop culture I admire, why I admire them and how they would represent society (not verbatim) I gave about 6 females which I admire. I was then asked to narrow it down to just three. My list, which comprised of:

Wonder Woman

Captain Marvel

Lara Croft

Black Widow

Holtzmann

Hermione Granger

Luna Lovegood

I chose these because I like smart, independent types. The ones that are intelligent, independent, might be strong, not just mentally, but physically as well, who is seen as equal, sometimes better (like Lara Croft) than their male counterparts, who don't take any shit, who fight for what they believe in, (like Wonder Woman, Captain Marvel, Black Widow) who don't back down, who are loyal, trustworthy, reliable, friendly, professional (like Morgan and Aubrey; The Spy Who Dumped Me) and don't have to have a relationship to be successful... Who are successful on their own merits - their own achievements, their own standings, who fight hard and prove people wrong (like The Ghostbusters) time and time again.

Those superheroes (with superpowers or not) are what appeals to me; not just their looks (bonus) but their intelligence and their outstanding behaviour and the way they throw stereotypes to the ground and fight for rights and adversity.

So I narrowed it down and was presented with 4 questions, which I've tried my best to answer. It has been a while since I saw the films the first two are from, so this is from memory... Also, these opinions are my own and may or may not include canons; if they don't, please don't come at me because "you're wrong, that's not true" this is my interpretation of the characters.

The questions, as previously mentioned, which I needed to answer:

1. Define who they are. What makes them the person they are? What are their motivations?

2. If they were real, what need would they fulfill in society? How would they really benefit mankind?

3. What groups do they represent in real society (autism, LGBT, women...etc)?

4. What real life lessons can people learn from them? How can real people emulate those fictional characters to benefit society?

I have chosen three women to focus on for being strong role models and I am drawn to these three women.

Wonder Woman, also known as Dianna, is a lovely goddess from the planet Themyscira. There are no men on the planet, which means that they have to learn to be strong because women need to be strong.

WW is determined to be a good example by helping others who need it the most. She is determined to save people and do it without the help of anyone - including men (Steve Trevor in particular)

She is motivated because she is a princess and wants to prove she is fit for the role, and not just by birth default. I would say that WW is bisexual, as she lives on a planet with only women, but when she meets Steve, she experiences that side of herself. She is also a Hufflepuff, because she is caring to all and wants the best for everyone.

In real life, she would fulfil the role of peacekeeper and provide others with the ability to fight against wars and inequality and bad behaviour. She'd stop the war and get Trump out of office, and fix Brexit.

WW can teach people the need to stand up for themselves - women need to trust in their own abilities and fight for equal right, equal pay and everyone should fight for peace.

Hermione Granger is a Muggle-born witch who attends Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizardry. She is a Gryffindor because she is loyal and courageous. She is loyal to her best friends Harry and Ron, but she is courageous because she helps them in their adventures, but she remains headstrong. Hermione is also bookish and wonderfully smart.

I would say that Hermione is asexual - she did kiss Harry, but it was a good luck thing, and although she danced with Viktor Krum, she has always been more interested in books than men; she does kiss Ron, but they've known each other for so long, they're more like siblings, so that kissed was forced and only given as a celebration of life over death.

Hermione, is very much High Functioning Autistic; she doesn't have sensory difficulties, as far as I can tell, but she does have other traits, such as the need to be right and social difficulties, she seems not to fit in with others, except for Harry and Ron; even being called a 'Mudblood' for being a Muggle-born and I think she has been called annoying in the books, just cos she's different. She is buried in her books and can rattle off information like nobody's business. The fact that she considers expulsion worse than death, means that she is obsessed with trying to do right and has to know everything - she has a Time Turner to attend multiple classes, meaning that she is a polymath. She struggles in social situations (but always tries) She only breaks the rules in her 5th year and explains that it feels good... Same as punching Draco because she had had enough of his belittlment, but she doesn't like hurting others.

In real life, Hermione would be a Humanitarian and she would learn everything there is to know about it to ensure that she does the best she can to help others understand what a Humanitarian is and how she can help others with things like equality and human rights.

People can use their knowledge for good and Hermione shows that being intelligent pays off, but there must be some give and take because otherwise you might become so wrapped up in your own head, that you don't have time for others. Loyalty is a huge factor in life and it pays to be trustworthy too.

And finally, I come to a character which I relate the most with - but that's not the only reason I chose her. I chose Jillian Holtzmann for a number of reasons.

I chose Holtzmann because she is intelligent and is fascinated in science things. She doesn't care that she's the odd one out, she revels in the fact. She only has three close friends, but better to have 3 close friends than 33 acquaintances. She doesn't get all social situations, but she tries to be in the conversation... Accidentally, she is sometimes the centre of attention, and yet, despite this, she knows when she needs to be quiet. She praised the girls when trapping the ghost, insofar as to tell Patty she needs to try harder, but she wants them all to do well, and she is so happy with the fact that they caught their first ghost, that she loudly announced "We put a ghost in a boooooox!" which indicates that she is entertained by the smallest of things.

Patty saved her life 3 times and she was grateful, but I know, if Erin was in the portal, she'd be in their saving her, a heartbeat; after all, that's her crush.

She's the mad scientist type - eccentric, wild, uncontrollable like a wildfire, but once she's found something of interest she hyperfocuses and gets the job done. She needs her friends for support but she doesn't need a relationship and almost mocks Erin for flirting with Kevin, comparing him to "a big ol' robot"

We know a lot more about Holtzy's sexuality and ability - she is a lesbian High Functioning Autistic with ADHD; those traits tend to go hand-in-hand. However, it appears that, despite Holtzy's high level of independence, and functioning in the real world, with little to no help, there are some sensory issues which she faces, which could adversely affect her abilities and processing skills.

We'll start with the most obvious one: the glasses. She has 4 pairs of yellow-coloured eye wear. She has her bottle-cap glasses, which are 1920s welding goggles, then she has more protective rounded welding goggles, circa 80s, and she has the big, almost pilot, almost Steampunk goggles, with loupes (double magnifying glasses) and these are the most practical of the lot. And finally, she has a pair, which are almost sunglasses, which she legit only wears for the Battle of Times Square. She needs them, especially her bottle-caps, for every day wear, due to her light sensitivity. (There is a highly interesting article, here, which explains the Autistic-ness of Holtzmann)

Whenever Patty yells, or Kevin hits the gong, she winds her neck in and pulls a face; she doesn't cover her ears like a neurotypical would, but it is evident that it is too loud. And in the Aldridge Manor, you can see the pain on her face from the APx-H shift.

Her impassioned speech, whilst heartfelt, contained physics metaphors - something which makes more sense to her, and it was very much without eye contact; something which can be uncomfortable for us Autistics, it doesn't mean we're not listening! She also seems to wear only comfy, almost loose-fitting clothing to allow for movement and comfort, with no scratchy labels. She chews her straw, sits with her feet up, or on the edge of her seat, spins on her stool and licks her guns; self-stimulatory behaviour.

Holtzmann, in real life, would obviously be a Nuclear Engineer, but we'd have to keep an eye on her so that she doesn't do any dodgy dealings and inadvertently get lead astray and into making weapons for the wrong side... Either that, or she'd go back to teaching Physics at a University.

Holtzmann is a mix of all 4 Hogwarts Houses, but the main 2 traits she has stem from Hufflepuff (her creativity and hyperfocus) and Ravenclaw (her intelligence - IQ of 163 - her multiple degrees and PhD and the fact that she is also a polymath, like Hermione - I think they'd be very good friends!)

Holtzmann would teach us about humility, courage, perseverance and finding the best of a situation and of course, the joy in the little things.

All 3 of these share similar thoughts and attributes - they're all loyal, friendly and work hard to achieve what they want. They don't need romantic relationships to survive and in fact, due to their independent nature, they would probably do better without them. They would teach others to be independent and to follow their heart, not comprising their own sense of justice or understanding of the world to conform to others. They would teach about human rights, actively focusing on diversity and equality; making sure that, as women, we don't strive for second best and that we work towards a better future, by providing opportunities and tools for the younger generation; in particular, females. All three, therefore, are excellent role models and are all unique, but also highly similar in the way they think and present themselves.

I hope this makes sense, answers the questions enough (I know they won't be answered fully as my brain capacity is limited today; infoxication and all that - and yes 'infoxication' is a real word... Click it to discover what it means!)

And I hope there are others, who may have similar thoughts to myself; I know I can't please everyone, but even if you disagree, I hope you like my writing style... Apparently, it's rather eloquent!

Also, I am sorry for the length of this post, and that, in actual fact, it is my only text post, which isn't just and agreement on someone else's post which I have reblogged.

I suppose tags would be helpful too.

#wonderwoman #strongwomen #independentwomen #fiction #jillianholtzmann #hermionegranger #charactersiadmire #marvel #dc #harrypotter #ghostbusters #thespywhodumpedme #laracroft

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arofili · 6 years

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Aro Kel Masterpost

ETA: I wrote a fic about aro!Kel/Dom, read that if you want ;)

After Tamora Pierce revealed that Kel is aro, I was elated. To finally have representation of any kind, especially from an author and a character I really love, felt so good. Now, it’s not really good representation - I would have preferred to have it explicit and there from the beginning, but this is still incredible for me. So, naturally, this new information spurred me to reread the Protector of the Small series with Kel’s aromanticism in mind, and I unearthed a whole lot of interesting things.

A lot of this was fairly obvious, but much of it was subtext, and there’s still a lot of parts of Kel’s love life that required a bit of effort to see as part of her arospec experience, but I would say that she reads as pretty darn aromantic to me now. In this post, I’ve compiled a bunch of quotes/scenes (mostly paraphrased, sorry) and thoughts about Kel’s aromanticism and how it was portrayed in the books.

This post has been more than a year in the making, mostly because I’m lazy as fuck, but I finally managed to finish it up for @aggressivelyarospec week 2018! Also, the wonderful podcast @tortallrecall is coming up on Kel’s arc soon, and I hope they’ll discuss Kel’s aromanticism, so I wanted to provide an aro person’s opinion on Kel being aro for them to have as a resource if they want to use it :)

Overall: I don't think Tamora Pierce wrote the series meaning for Kel to be aro, because I doubt she would have included the “romance” with Neal, Cleon, or Dom, though that is still justifiable with her being aro [see my explanations below], but I think that she did write it with her being less interested in romance than her peers and Pierce’s other heroines and I think she very intentionally gave Kel a happy ending without romance. And so looking back, the aro label fits. She is definitely arospec, and I am delighted to read about an aromantic character.

First Test

There’s a part where Neal is being all dramatic and talking about the glory of knighthood, but Kel says something along the lines of “Well, sure, but being sung about will take a lot of hard work”. Neal responds, “You aren’t a bit romantic, are you?” and I know that it’s a different kind of “romantic” in this context but also PUNS!

“she'd had experiences with crushes—none her own, of course”

I know Kel is 10 at this point, but also, that is exactly what I was thinking at age 10.

Whenever Cleon fake flirts with her, she's so exasperated and amused. At one part he says he'll pine for her until she returns and she thinks “He'll pine and I'm a holly bush”.

And she's always so sympathetic about Roald's arranged marriage. And sure, anyone could be because they’re not ~in love~ but Kel just seems really sympathetic about marriage in general.

Neal has a crush on Daine in this book, which I had forgotten about, and Kel is so exasperated every time he talks about it. She consoles him, but she's so confused and amused by his feelings.

Page

So here we get to the part where 11-year-old Kel thinks she likes Neal. It’s funny, because it happens at the same time when Neal has a crush on Uline of Hannalof, so I think there’s definitely an argument for her reacting of jealousy. She definitely has some feelings for him, but I don’t think they’re quite romantic, and she doesn’t understand them. At least, that’s how I’m choosing to read it.

And she keeps making fun of him about his feelings, and the part where she and her friends all get together to sing him a sappy love song is really funny.

Also, she keeps complaining to Lalasa that he won’t actually do anything about his feelings. Even when she thinks she has a crush on him, she’s annoyed by romance.

@buffintruda and I were talking about this, and I wondered how we hadn’t thought of Kel being aro before the announcement, and they said something I think is very true:

Too be fair, for me at least, the last time I read her books was before I knew I was aro, and her relationships and crushes deterred me from considering it, even though now that you point them out, they're pretty weak and aro-y

At some point in the story, Cleon’s fake flirting becomes real, but Kel doesn’t realize it. She still thinks he’s joking up until halfway through Squire. Even when he’s being really obvious and blushing and commenting on her appearance, she’s just confused as to why he keeps doing this and doesn’t even consider the idea that he could be sincere.

Honestly this is such a GEM of a quote. Like, same:

“I can flirt just as well as my gelding can dance”

When Kel is talking to Joren about how he’s “changed”, and he tells her that she should get married and her immediate response is “I don’t want to be married”. She does think of Neal, but it’s an afterthought. When I used to force myself to pretend to like someone, before I knew I was aro, I would do the same sort of thing - “I don’t want to marry anyone, ew! Wait, no, I would totally marry [insert fake crush here]...” It’s something she feels like she’s supposed to think, not something she actually feels.

Honestly, Kel’s whole crush on Neal is not really a big deal, even to her. She’ll pine over him when a situation comes up that makes her think about romance, and she’ll occasionally have that “heart flutter” thing, but it’s mostly them being great friends and she seems to forget she’s supposed to have a crush on him while she’s hanging out with him. This seems a lot more like a squish than a crush, at least to me.

So this isn’t technically related to Kel’s aromanticism, but I couldn’t leave it out. Before their third examinations, Kel and Neal talk about their friends and Neal says something like “I wouldn’t trade your friendship for anything”. Ahhh I was so emotional when I read that!! Their friendship is so good and heartwarming and beautiful that I wanted to cry!

Kel made a joke out of it, but it was really sweet and that moment was truly beautiful and relateable. It’s great to see strong friendships shown in books, even if one of the people thinks that they’re in love with the other one.

And in this scene, Kel didn’t think about her “crush” even once, even though it was a pretty intense moment for both of them.

Squire

When Kel finds out that Alanna wants Neal for her squire, she has this silly line about “I can’t not be his friend even if I can’t be his love” and Kel, please. That is far too melodramatic for you! This is so out of character it feels forced, which, if we view it through an aromantic lens, it probably is.

Aw yeah, Raoul is back! I love him. Another aro icon! @buffintruda and I couldn’t believe that we could imagine him as arospec, but totally overlook Kel!

When Kel joins the Own, she meets Dom! She’s wondering why Dom makes her feel all weird and “romantic” moreso than she ever felt for Neal, and I’m like... It’s because you’re making this all up! It’s amatonormativity and heteronormativity! Once you’re not around Neal, you forget you’re supposed to like him, so you find someone else to project your confusion and insecurity onto! You’re not “fickle”, you’re just a confused aromantic.

Kel wonders why “Lalasa never mentioned this”, and that’s pretty obvious. Lalasa is canonically in a relationship with her friend Tian...this girl is a lesbian.

“Who falls in and out of love in a summer?”

Probably someone who was never in love in the first place, Kel. This quote comes the next time that Kel sees Neal, and she realizes her romantic feelings are gone like they never were there in the first place.

“Were her feelings even real?”

Ding ding! Now you’re starting to get it!

Cleon is ridiculously awkward around Kel, and she is just as ridiculously oblivious of his feelings and exasperated by his flirting. (Relatable.) When he kisses her for the first time, she’s so shocked that she doesn’t know how to react which is a mood.

“They won’t be able to talk sense for weeks!”

When Yuki comes to Tortall, Kel makes fun of all the pages and squires for “falling in love” with her. She thinks “her messmates were romantic” in a way that totally excludes herself from that line of thought, because obviously she’s not romantic! That would be ridiculous!

“She hadn’t seen Cleon privately since that astonishing kiss. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to see him or never to see him again. She didn’t know which would be worse, finding that he’d done it on a dare or that he’d done it because he wanted to. Either meant a rat’s nest of problems.”

She liked the kiss, so we know she likes kissing, but that does not mean she isn’t aro. She doesn’t really want to like Cleon romantically. Unlike with Neal and Dom, she isn’t tricking herself into feeling something for Cleon; his feelings surprised her. “A rat’s nest of problems” is true not only politically, but also very much personally.

Tamora Pierce has also called Kel asexual at different times; this post is about her being aro, but there was one little ace thing I wanted to mention. When Kel meets George Cooper, she cannot figure out why Alanna is attracted to him; she only finds his eyes attractive. Kel is struggling to find anything attractive about him, and when has she ever before focused on the physical side of things when she’s forcing herself into liking someone? It isn’t something she even considers.

“Nice eyes hardly seemed to Kel like grounds for marriage.”

Yeah, well, for you it would be hard to find anything that would be grounds for marriage!

When Kel and Cleon (finally) talk about their first kiss, Cleon is trying to convince her that they should be in a relationship and Kel says something along the lines of “If people knew, they might not know it was friendly” and that’s literally the most aromantic thing I’ve ever heard. She is literally incapable of forming a reason why she would kiss someone outside of being friends. She likes kissing but doesn’t have romantic feelings.

In the same scene, she wants so badly to be interrupted by someone so she doesn’t have to deal with Cleon’s romantic advances. In the end they do get together, and some of this conversation was in jest, but Kel is truly terrified of romance and uncomfortable with her situation no matter how much she is genuinely fond of Cleon.

During the Progress, she talks to her mom about sex and Cleon. Her mom says, “you can choose if you want to have sex”, and Kel’s immediate response is “I don’t want to choose that!” Her reasoning is “I don’t want to be distracted”, “I just want my shield”, “I certainly don’t want babies” and if that ain’t the most aroace thing then I don’t know what is.

Shortly after this scene, Kel talks to Cleon, which goes something like this...

Cleon: Come down and let me hold you! Kel: No, you come up, and no holding.

Kel is terrified of sex but simultaneously struggling with her self-worth and wanting to be fuckable.

Once Kel and Cleon are officially together, their relationship is pretty romantic, which explains why I didn’t consider she could be aro at first. But even then, I see it as more that she enjoys Cleon’s company and the physical side of their relationship even though they never actually have sex. And the whole time, Cleon is so much more scared than Kel of the inevitable end of their relationship. Kel is much more practical and sees their relationship as doomed from the beginning.

Not related, but I love how Raoul and Buri’s relationship develops. They’re basically mutual beards and best friends. Buri’s such a lesbian, and Raoul is so aro!

When Kel first suggests that Raoul should ask Buri to go to his party with his aunt, she says that Buri “won’t get any romantic notions” which 1) shows how gay Buri is and 2) shows how Kel’s thought process about romance works.

This speaks for itself:

“She had decided years before that she was no prize on the romance market.”

There’s this lovely conversation while the Own is helping some town...

Kel: Why don’t people talk about hard work when it comes to war? All I hear about is glory. Dom: Pretty girls want to hear about glory, not work.

Kel wasn’t thinking about romance as a factor; she didn’t even consider it. While the Own is at Giantkiller, Kel completely forgets about her crush on Dom and it’s pretty much never brought up again.

Another gem of a quote:

“Kel thought asking her for wedding ideas was like asking a cat how to raise a horse, but she did her best.”

Kel and Cleon’s forbidden words are “love” and “marriage” and oh my god that is the most aro thing ever.

Lady Knight

There is so much less romance in this book! That’s great it in general, but it also really establishes Kel as aromantic because this is the book in which she becomes more sure of herself. She thinks about romance much less, which means there’s less things to specify how her reaction to romance proves her aro. I think it was at this point that Tamora Pierce decided that Kel wasn’t going to end up with a romantic partner at the end of her series.

On the way to the Scanran border, Neal and Roald are complaining about being separated from their fiancees, and Kel is so exasperated with them. She feels sorrier for Roald, but she approaches the whole subject with way too critical an eye to be alloromantic.

“She wanted love and children, too—someday.”

She thinks about Cleon, but it’s so distant. She’s imagining that she’ll feel different in the future, because that’s what’s supposed to happen to people, right? But she doesn’t really want love and children.

Kel’s thought of “romance was more pleasant than reality” proves that she doesn’t believe that finding romance is realistic. And as we know, Kel is practical above all.

“Friendship was there, but passion was gone.”

When Kel sees Cleon again after a few years of separation, everything she thought she had felt for him has disappeared. And multiple times she feels bad about not loving him anymore; that’s textbook aro guilt. She emphasizes that “she could still be his friend even if she couldn’t be his lover.” She isn’t at all surprised that she doesn’t love Cleon anymore. She expected this, and she’s relieved that she was right.

“She wanted no lovers until she had settled the Nothing Man’s account.”

Kel will look for any excuse to not have to deal with romance, and everything that justifies her lack of love will do.

“Beyond kisses, Cleon was her friend.”

This proves that she always saw Cleon mostly as a friend, just a friend she also liked to kiss. To aro people things like that aren’t always cut and dry; she likes to kiss but to her kissing is not a romantic action.

She’s relieved that Cleon isn’t trying to keep things going, because it would hurt too much for both of them and because she didn’t want to have to keep faking romantic love. She’s upset about the end of their relationship because change is hard, not because she wants Cleon. She understands that now and talks to Tobe about it. I’m so proud of her!! She’s coming to terms with herself.

At Haven, Kel sees Dom again and remembers that she had a crush on him, but it’s a minor afterthought after a paragraph of her considering their friendship. When he leaves, she misses his friendship and support and doesn’t even think about romance.

And finally, the second to last paragraph in the whole series all but makes aro Kel explicit representation:

“Lovers, Kel thought, rolling her eyes. At least there was one headache she didn’t have. She was about to tell her friend [Neal] he could wait when she remembered that she’d get to see Dom at Steadfast. It would be nice to able to sit and chat for a while without kidnapping, flight, and war to distract them.”

Sure, that could (and has been) interpreted as Kel’s crush on Dom continuing to manifest, but to me it shows her value of friendship, especially as it immediately follows her declaration that lovers are a headache.

In conclusion, my point at the beginning still stands: this is not necessarily good representation. Kel’s story was written without authorial consideration of her aromanticism. But it is representation. And to me, a queer who grew up reading Kel and identifying more with her than with any of Tamora Pierce’s other heroines, even post-canonical, Word of God revelations of Kel being aro matters a lot. This is especially relevant because of the void that is aro rep—I can only name one or two canon aromantic characters from popular media, and Kel is one of them.

An aromantic lens is required to see Kel’s aromanticism, but it is there. It means something. And even though this post has been like two years in the making, Kel still means a lot to me.

#aggressivelyarospecweek #aaw #tortallrecall #keladry of mindelan #aromantic #my meta #tefain nin #tortall #i wanted to write some fic for this week but i.....didnt rip

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tayegi · 6 years

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The scene of Yoongi and OC really struck out to me because often times, people say one should come out and be proud of who they are. But they dont realise that the situation doesnt always allow. Theres people that cant do so, because theres people that they love but will never accept them for who they are. One doesnt want to lose that person, no matter their thinking is. The want for that person to stay in their life transcends the want to be who they are freely. Thank you for writing that.

Anonymous said:Ok so there's a lot I want to say about the new update but, since it's still hot on my mind, I really loved the conversation oc and Yoongi had. (I KNEW HE WAS GAY YES) the way that she tried to understand him, respected his decisions, was wholesome to read. Thank you so much for that part really (and for oc insisting on a hug hahaha so precious)

Anonymous said:UGH THIS NEW CHAPTER WAS SO SATISFYING!! i am SO glad oc stood her ground and told jk and the other frat guys off like that!! she's an inspiration!! also im so sympathetic for yoongles, unfortunately his situation is very evident in the LGBTQ+ community :( , but im glad he has the oc to support him 💖 thank you for taking the time to write this, as always your writing is fantastic and every chapter contributes to the story tenfold. hope you're doing well 😘🌹

Anonymous said:Hey Lu! I'm usually a more silent reader (minus the occasional gushing over you literary genius) but I wanted to say thank you so much for New Rules ch 11. The scene with Yoongi & the reader really got to me bc I'm 100% in Yoongi's position rn. It was kind of comforting to know that I'm not weird for not coming out of the closet, and it's a perfectly valid option at the moment even if it is 2018. Thank you for putting how I'm feeling into words and for validating them! Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said:Oh Lu, NR hit me right into my freaking heart. Esp the Yoongi scene bc I can relate to it sm. My 2 best friends are brothers (19 a. 20 years old) and the older one is gay. Both of them come from a super homophob and racist russian family and that's why he pretends to be straight bc he knows how badly his family will be disappointed and angry. He even hides this fact from his own brother and it makes me so fucjing sad bc I love both so much and can't do anything except support his decision.

Anonymous said:honestly the part in new rules were the reader talks to yoongi about coming out really hit me hard and i cried a little bit. im in the same situation of pretending to be straight in order to keep my family from kicking me out and like reading that part in the update was just a really nice reminder for me that sometimes its okay not to be out epsecially if being out puts you at risk and like idk its just a nice break from the whole "you have to come out to your family" thing people try to push

Anonymous said:Damn, that scene with yoongi and the oc really hit me. I'm on the same mindset as the oc, but my family - parents and older siblings, are just like Yoongi's family in this chapter. Seen an uncle disowned by my grandparents and heard countless slurs said about him. I and the younger generation of the family still keep in touch with him. We can see his pain whenever he asks about his siblings and how he misses them. This really did hit me deep. Pt1

Anonymous said:Thank you for portraying that, despite being in an 'era', 'generation', where being apart of the lgbtq+ community is prideful... people need to understand that there are still others - many in fact- that don't see it like that. Often it's they're own family. Some still come from that 'old' or traditional mindset where they see it as wrong and 'sinful'. It doesn't matter if it's they're own flesh and blood and no matter how hard you try to get them to 'understand'(?) They will not except it. Pt2

Anonymous said:As was the case for my uncle. He knew he was gay when he was 17 but kept it hidden for years. He didn't come out till he was 37. He fell in love and didn't want hide it anymore. Despite him trying to explain how he felt about his partner and how happy he was my grandparents and half of my family didn't care. The moment he came out was the moment he was declared 'dead' to half of the family. It's painful, when the people who mean the most to you can't and won't except you for you. Pt3

Anonymous said:hey idk how to exactly say this but i loved the way you wrote about yoongi being gay and how he didnt want y/n to tell anyone for fear of rejection. it just really struck a chord in me as someone who is more or less in the same boat and i really do want to thank you for that. the way you write things is magical and never fails to make me feel all kinds of things. i love u Lu and i really do wish nothing but the best for you and your future.

Thank you guys so much for commenting on this scene! in the media, lgbtq characters are often stereotypes as the “sassy gay best friend” and while that’s completely fine, not everyone can be as confident in their sexuality as say, taehyung in the story. and i esp hate the very westernized, liberal way of thinking that you HAVE to be true to yourself by dramatically coming out to everyone. unfortunately, in most parts of the world, and to those of us not privileged enough to be born to open-minded parents, it’s not that easy.

my parents are pretty openminded and liberal, but theyre still asian immigrants and have straight up told me that ill be disowned if i came out as lesbian. and that’s the brutal reality for so many people out there. it’s wonderful if you can come out. but i hate the idea that this is the “right thing” to do and the lowkey shaming of anyone in the closet laksjdfslkf idk i just have a lot of feelings about this lol

#new rules #new rules ch 11 #anon

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that-curly-haired-lesbian · 6 years

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Queer Analysis - Sparks Fly

Hi guys! 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻

So, I sorta took an involuntary hiatus from this blog and Tumblr in general, this was due to a bunch of personal shit that have mostly been sorted out now! I’ve missed you all and did not mean to leave you hanging like this after my rep show, but like I said all hell broke loose in my personal life when I got back from Manchester… I had an amazing time at the concert though and I’m still very much a part of the Gaylor/Kaylor community, I did not stop believing 😂 ❤

I am very glad to be back and hope to be getting into running this blog again from now on! ❤

Today I’m back with yet another analysis for that drunk anon from so long ago, anon, if you’re out there I hope you’re still reading these! ❤❤❤

Today’s song is Sparks Fly and I definitely feel like I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t link you all to the 2007 original version which some claim to be even gayer than the studio version from Speak Now…Here’s the performance and here’s the lyrics to this gayness from 2007, although as will soon become apparent I think the 2010 version is pretty darn gay too! 🌈🌈🌈

As far as I’m concerned this is yet another Taymily song and it has strong connection to my latest analysis (Fearless) so check that out if you haven’t already!

That’s right my dear gays, Theo The Taymily Trash is baaaaaack, let’s gooooo!!

Before we do though, I have to give my usual disclaimers, it might’ve been a while but I’m not letting up on those! Lyrics used in this analysis comes from AZLyrics so all cred for that goes to them. Also I am not Taylor Swift, or anyone else mentioned in this analysis, nor do I personally know Taylor Swift or anyone else I mention here, as such I have no way of knowing who or what Taylor’s songs are about and may very well be completely clueless in the matter. Therefore what follows below is nothing but speculation and as always everyone else is invited to join in the conversation too, I don’t in any way have monopoly on analyzing or interpreting Taylor’s songs 😊

Now, let’s actually gooooo!

The way you move is like a full-on rainstorm

And I'm a house of cards

Okay, say what you will, but to me these opening lines seem very gay.

While it’s certainly not unheard of for people to find the way men walk attractive (For some reason? I’m v gay) I feel like it’s significantly more common to view (and to some degree oversexualize, but that’s a conversation for another time) the way a woman moves as a reason for why people find her attractive. Think of the seductive wiggling of hips that they can’t even resist programming into VIDEO GAMES in order to give female characters that feminine, seductive air…

Wow, objectification of women really is disgusting, huh? Remember however, lesbians/non-straight women can never have the male gaze and therefore they can never be predatory towards women in the same way men can, even when they’re using common tropes and imagery to describe a woman as attractive.

Long story short, I’m just trying to prove the point that Taylor Swift is gay, not accuse her of oversexualizing women because she literally isn’t capable of doing so (at least not to the same degree a straight man is.)

Okay, so I’m only on the opening lines and I’ve already gotten incredibly sidetracked, let’s get back to it…

All I’m saying is that describing the way someone moves as attractive has more feminine connotations and therefore that line is gayyyyyy.

So to summarize, the way the latest object of Taylor’s affections moves has our curly-haired lesbian weak in the knees and at any moment she may simply fall to the ground, blown away by this rainstorm of a woman, like a fragile house of cards would be by a gust of powerful wind.

You're the kind of reckless

That should send me runnin'

But I kinda know that I won't get far

There it is again, that word, “reckless”…It’s been a while since I did an analysis so I’ll remind you that we’ve previously established that “reckless” or “dangerous” or some variant thereof is a word commonly used by Ms. Swift to describe same-sex attraction, or more often, indulging in one’s same-sex attraction.

From a career standpoint it’s reckless and inadvisable, but somehow she never can seem to help herself and even though she knows this woman is exactly the kind to cause her to “slip up”, be reckless and indulge she also knows that it’s useless to try and distance herself from her new love.

She knows she’s bound to give into temptation, because regardless of what you may have heard homosexuality is in no way a choice and no exercise in self-control of any kind will make it go away.

Taylor can try running as she’s been advised to do, but she won’t get far. If she doesn’t fall for this woman there will be another down the line, Taylor can’t outrun her “recklessness”, her attraction to other women and this one in particular.

And you stood there in front of me

Just close enough to touch

Close enough to hope you couldn't see

What I was thinking of

Let’s address the elephant in the room, y’all say Dress or So It Goes or some other song of your choice from Reputation is Taylor’s dirtiest, sexiest song to date, but have you people LISTENED to Sparks Fly? (And Treacherous for that matter) come on, I can’t be the only one getting a strong sex vibe from Sparks Fly!

What I’m trying to say is, this could either be a dirty lyric where Taylor is either in public with her lover and is tempted to touch her (in a way inappropriate for public settings?) and hopes people or (if they’re not dating yet and Taylor isn’t sure her feelings are requited) Emily can’t tell that all Taylor can think when looking at this girl in front of her is dirty thoughts.

Or it could be a sweeter, more innocent, kind of heartbreaking lyric where Taylor hasn’t told Emily how she feels and so isn’t sure if her feelings are requited or even if the other girl is gay.

It’s that kind of heartbreaking thing where you want to touch or kiss somebody who you really like, but you have to hold back because you aren’t sure if that person would be into it. In that case the thing Taylor hopes the crush can’t tell she’s thinking of isn’t necessarily sex or anything dirty, but sweet things (such as holding hands or kissing) she isn’t sure the (possibly straight/not interested) lady would like to do.

The lines could be significantly more queer-coded if we imagine Taylor isn’t just scared of being rejected, but also of Emily not being gay and thus being creeped out or made uncomfortable by Taylor’s advances, a common fear among lesbians, but again, we CANNOT be predatory in the same way men can!!!!!!

Annnnd I’m sidetracked again..............

Alternatively she has the common gay fear of any kind of PDA and thus hopes no one can tell she feels like being gaily affectionate towards her girlfriend in public, she’s not yet fearless.

Drop everything now

Meet me in the pouring rain

Kiss me on the sidewalk

Take away the pain

Kissing in the rain is a motif Taylor often uses to describe a grand romantic gesture or the first move in a relationship. It’s a romantic trope that makes one think of the kind of romantic movies Taylor has admitted to growing up on.

But here there’s also an other relevant lines, the “drop everything now” may imply that her girlfriend is busy and has a lot going on, or is far away Taylor wants her to drop all that and come spend time with her girl.

If we think of the fact that Taylor and Emily started going out while touring it’s easy to understand why they’d have a lot going on and maybe wouldn’t have time for personal affairs such as relationships, but here Taylor wants them to drop all obligations for a second and just spend some romantic time together…

In a Taymily narrative the kissing in the rain brings the thought to Fearless another song I believe to be about them. In that song Taylor describes wanting to “dance” (or be affectionate) in a parking lot, a very public space, here she wants to be kissed on the sidewalk, in other words another very public space.

In Fearless there’s a line suggesting this is Taymily’s first kiss (at least in public) and poor Taylor is so nervous that she’s shaking, but as soon as they actually start kissing the fear goes away, in Sparks Fly Taylor wants the pain taken away by a kiss. In a song that seems largely happy or at least hopeful a line about pain struck me as out of place at first glance, but if we dig deeper and connect this song to Fearless in no longer feel that’s the case.

The pain can either be the aforementioned fear of judgement from the public or from people around them who think the relationship is ill-advised (because it’s gay) that play a large role in Fearless (where they ultimately overcome that fear with the power of their love.) Or the pain can be the struggle of having to keep their relationship secret and of being closeted, that pain matters little when it’s just the two of them spending time together and being in love and/or intimate, then the closeting seems like a small sacrifice to make, even insignificant., because all that matters in that situation is their love for each other and being a couple suddenly become much easier. A simple kiss or touch when alone can take away the burden of that pain. (“When you get me alone, it's so simple”)

'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby, as the lights go down

Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around

'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile

The line about the sparks and the smile is simply Taylor acknowledging that her and this girl have mad chemistry, the kind that produce sparks even from the simplest actions such as a smile. Teenage Taylor was gay for Emily’s smile #confirmed

The other lines? Well, yet again this seems like sexy-times to me, intense, hungry eye contact as you turn off or dim the lights in a room where it seems there’s just the two of you qualifies as soft foreplay to me. The line about that intense stare haunting Taylor, yeah, um, sex flashbacks…

*Stops impulse to adopt mom-voice and start yelling at Taylor about how she’s twelve and this is inappropriate*

If we want to get our minds out of the gutter it could also be the lights dimming on a stage and a last reassuring or loving look between lovers before the start of a show. The haunting could be about how those pre-show looks is one of the things that haunt Taylor when she later tries to get over the relationship, but since we’ve previously established that she had a version of the song including that line in 2007 (when Taymily were still very much dating) I think that’s unlikely tbh…

My mind forgets to remind me

You're a bad idea

Taylor knows she’s being reckless falling for a girl, but as her mind races with all the things they could and should do (both innocent and dirty to a degree that can rival rep-era Tay) she “forgets” why being with Emily is so “inadvisable”.

You touch me once and it's really something,

You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be.

That chemistry strikes again, a simple touch, or a kiss can lead to so much more (both metaphorically and literally) and here it does, they have sex, probably for the first time. I’m not saying this is Taylor losing her virginity (remember that car that had a tendency to get stuck on backroads at night during her high school years?) but the older Emily may have been hesitant to get physical with Taylor, not wanting to pressure her, but when they finally do sleep together Emily realizes Taylor is more experienced (or “better”) than she assumed.

This is actually getting slightly uncomfortable to me now seeing how Taylor was underage at the time and I don’t want to imply or read things into lyrics written by a minor that may not be there, but I think the sexual overtones in this song is pretty clear.

I'm on my guard for the rest of the world

But with you I know it's no good

I think what Taylor is saying here is that she’s usually careful about who she lets into her life and emotionally opens up to (and perhaps also who she sleeps with, just to go with the sex theme)

She’s usually careful who she shows her true colors to so to speak 🌈🌈

But with Emily she just felt this instant connection and knew there was no point in trying to hide her feelings for her as it was clear right away they felt the same way about each other.

And I could wait patiently but I really wish you would...

The mention of patiently waiting honestly just makes me think this entire song is Taylor basically begging Emily to make a move, to kiss (or sleep with) her already! She’s saying “Come on, I want you, I’m ready and done waiting for you to make a move!”

(Chorus)

I'll run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild.

Running your fingers through someone’s hair strikes me as a much more enjoyable activity to engage in if the person in question has long hair, something stereotypically associated with girls, just saying… 🌈 🌈 🌈

Just keep on keeping your eyes on me, it's just wrong enough to make it feel right.

And lead me up the staircase

Won't you whisper soft and slow?

I'm captivated by you, baby, like a firework show.

Before we continue I just have to say, I’ve always thought the line is “it’s just STRONG enough to make it feel right” not “wrong”, as in the effect that person’s gaze is having on Taylor is strong enough that whatever they’re about to do (sex) feels right and good, but that might just be me mishearing the line. 🤔

Moving on though, she’s saying the way her partner looks at her is an aphrodisiac; it’s making Taylor want her.

Then she’s being led up a staircase, in the original 2007 version I think she’s being led onto a dance floor (which make the “wild lights” make more sense), but since dance is often used as a metaphor for sex and/or sexuality (x) (in fact, In 1698, it may as well have been sex) that slight change doesn’t ruin my reading of the song.

In literature reaching the top of a staircase is often read as a new beginning and here it seems to be the beginning of another step in Taylor and Emily’s relationship.

Emily whispers something in Taylor’s ear as they head up the staircase (towards the bedroom? The lyrics from All Too Well seems to imply the bedroom is up the stairs as they head down the stairs in the middle of the night to get to the kitchen, presumably from the bedroom)

Personally I’ve never been able to figure out if Emily whispers the thing about the firework show or if her whisper is something more risque that we don’t get to hear and Taylor’s the one who says the thing about the fireworks?

I’m inclined to believe the latter, so as Emily whispers something not for our ears Taylor tells us she’s mesmerized by this woman, in the same way she gets mesmerized by firework shows, something we know she likes quite a lot.

In the 2007 version the line is “you make it like a firework show” interesting, since fireworks are often used as metaphor for orgasms… 😏

No, but, SERIOUSLY; I’m not insane or overly dirty-minded, am I? I’m not the only one who thinks this one is CLEARLY about sex, right?

(Chorus)

That’s it guys, hope you enjoyed reading and that you didn’t miss me too much while I was gone ❤ Next up on the analysis list is Ours the last on the list of requests from my favorite drunken anon! 😊❤ If you have any ideas for other Taylor songs I should analyze feel free to send me an ask or ten 😊🌈

#gaylor swift #kaylor #taymily #queer analysis #songs

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simonthechaste · 1 year

Text

To My Beautiful Hot Ex

I am pretty sure I have posted this one here earlier, but since it popped up on another site, I'm doing a repost. Nothing has changed since I wrote it. I still edge thinking of her, and sometimes wail out her name aloud as I cum, even though my time with her is now ten years in the past.

Posted by Simonebee December 24, 2022

Sexually she was shall we say experienced, and in every respect everything I could have ever hope for. She was wonderfully dominant, adventurous, delightfully sadistic, playful, witty, incredibly intelligent and most of the time insatiably horny. She was also one of the women who introduced me to chastity play.

And I'm merely incredibly grateful I got to experience those incredible three months with her.

#Chaste Fantasies original text #chaste fantasies originals

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nickireadstfc · 6 years

Text

The King’s Men, Chapter 16 – A Team Of Particularly Good Finders

In which I find a new favourite team, Kevin’s angrier half makes an entrance, I find a new favourite team, keys are distributed, faceclaims are suggested, and I find a new favourite team.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The King’s Men.

Saturday morning Wymack stopped by Fox Tower with a guest. (…)

“Thea,” Kevin finally said, and scrambled to his feet. “What are you doing here?”

Oh HECK YES.

I’ve been waiting for this gal ever since she was first mentioned, and my dudes my pals my homies, let me tell you – her presence does not disappoint.

Thea Muldani is big and buff and bench-presses male egos for breakfast, but also wears pastel makeup, braids and dresses like Beyoncé herself gave her fashion advice.

A certified Boss Ass Bitch, you say? Absolutely.

A definite, definite Venus Williams faceclaim, you say?

Alternatively also Serena Williams?

Absolutely.

Like Kevin, Thea also left the Ravens, but she seems to have quite a different relationship to them than he does.

Even though Thea graduated from Edgar Allan almost three years ago she still wore her Raven jersey number on a pendant around her throat.

Interesting.

Neil then wonders how ex-Ravens fare out there in the Real World, and he voices my thoughts precisely: Do they recover? Do they hang on? And if they do, is it because they’re broken, or out of choice?

This is Interesting Shit that I am very, very much intrigued to know more about. Since I’m not sure we’ll have quite enough time to get into this in what’s left of this book, if anyone has any fic recs dealing with this (= post-Raven recovery), hit me the hell up.

However sadly, Thea is not here to answer my deep psychological musings, and is instead very much here to tear Kevin a new one.

Or five.

“I always wanted to talk, but it was complicated.”

“’Complicated’,” Thea echoed. The air quotes she threw him were angry and mocking. “’Complicated’ is having to find out from a press conference that you broke your hand and left the line-up. ‘Complicated’ is finding out the hard way you disconnected your old number and having to hear from Jean that you didn’t want anything to do with any of us effective immediately. Don’t you dare use ‘complicated’ against me. I deserve better than that.”

OH SHIT.

Exy Venus Williams is mad, y’all – and completely in the right, because Kevin, you done fucked up.

Anyone who figuratively leaves his girlfriend on ‘read’ for two years deserves to have the shit bitched out of them publicly.

However, Kevin has a magic trick to at least somewhat calm his angrier half down:

Fellow ex-Raven and resident human ground beef Jean Valjean Moreau.

They go see him, but like puppies left out in the rain we don’t get to go with, which is a damn shame because I’m getting increasingly interested in how our favourite baguette is going to continue his trauma-filled existence.

“You assume [Nicky] will survive until summer [because he’s annoying the hell out of Andrew with his Andreil shipping],” Andrew said.

“You break him, you owe me a new defenseman,” Wymack said.

Bahahahaha.

Found this chapter’s #dicksoutforwymack, that line was gold, small as it was.

“You have one at Abby’s house.”

DAMN RIGHT. Anyone up for some Fox!Jean? Yes? Yes?

Apparently, not Kevin and Jean, who have irreparably damages their athletic compatibility at the Batcave of Extra, so Fox!Jean is a thing we may have to keep to fanfic.

Again – a damn shame.

What is decidedly not a damn shame is that Wymack has a lil something for Andrew, and when I found out what it was I may or may not have shed a lil tear of pride.

Keys jangled as they hit the carpet, and Neil stared in disbelief. He couldn’t be right, except last summer Wymack had given Neil three new keys, too: a set for all the important doors at the Foxhole Court. (…) “Kevin said to give you those.”

KEVIN IS TRUSTING ANDREW WITH STADIUM KEYS.

KEVIN IS EXPLICITLY INVITING ANDREW TO COME PRACTICE WHENEVER AND UNSUPERVISED.

KEVIN IS STARTING TO BELIEVE IN ANDREW’S FUTURE AS A PROFESSIONAL SPORTSBALL PLAYER EVEN IF ANDREW MAY NOT BE.

KEVIN IS TRUSTING ANDREW WITH STADIUM KEYS.

KEYS!!!!!!!!!!

This has got to be the fourth or fifth time this series has made me emotional about fucking keys, what in the absolute fuck.

[Neil’s] heart was pounding. (…) He thought about fighting for a spot on the US Court and facing the best the world had to offer, Kevin at his side and Andrew at his back.

When will the Kandreil feels end, my money is on fucking never.

With this preliminary banter done, we move on to what’s really important in this chapter:

The first NCAA Exy championship semi-final; University of Southern California Trojans vs Palmetto State University Foxes.

Or, as I like to call it – USC Hufflepuffs vs Kevin Day’s Boner.

So much has been promised about this team, their human sunshine of a captain and their infamous Too Good For This World cinnamon roll-ness, I was buzzing in my seat waiting to get to know them.

“[Think] about what you’re going to say in pre-game.” (…)

“How about ‘We’re gonna own these lowers’?” Nicky suggested.

“And that’s why you’re not allowed to talk to the press,” Matt said dryly.

Bahahahaha.

Nicky, my boy, never change. <3

However, I immediately opposed any ‘loser’ insults as I finally, finally met –

The one, the only, captain of Trojans, idol of Kevin Days everywhere, the OG Cinnamon Roll™ – Jeremy Fucking Knox.

“Kevin, you crazy fool,” he said, less formally, and clapped Kevin’s shoulder in a cheery greeting. “You never cease to amaze. You’ve got a thing for controversial teams, I think, but I like this one much better than the last one.”

Hi, marry me.

Again with the characterizations through first lines in this book, aye? Pretty sure this guy is the only one in the entire world who could bro-hug Kevin, call him a crazy fool to his face, and come away with his nose unbroken.

(He says a little bit towards Wymack before that, but we’re gonna ignore that for the meme.)

But apparently, Jeremy is not the only one who gets to say unexpected things right now.

[Kevin] only said, “I have a backliner for you. Do you have room on next year’s line-up?”

… Does this mean what I think it means.

I THINK IT DOES.

I THINK IT FUCKING DOES.

My dudes, let me tell you, my ass is HERE for Trojan!Jean. Trojean. TROJEAN.

Seriously, if you want someone with a trauma caused by abusive competitive toxic teammates to recover, a team that’s known for being the friendliest, kindest and fairest motherfuckers on the planet is pretty much the absolute Way To Go.

Operation Trojean is the best rehab anyone has ever thought of, ever, and I will hear no other opinions on this.

I was already enjoying this tremendously, good things all around, how much better could it be – when Sunshine Boy decided to pull something so spectacularly Hufflepuff that I swear to fuck I heard badgers singing.

Y’all are not ready.

I was not ready.

“Our line-up,” Jeremy explained. “It’s late to be getting it to you, I know, but we were trying to avoid as much of the backlash as possible.”

Why, what’s happ–

“Two goalies, three backliners, two dealers, two strikers,” Jeremy said. “You’ve made it this far with those numbers. It’s time to see how we’d fare in that situation.”

WHAT

THE

FUCK.

You have got to be kidding me, Sunshine Boy.

You are giving up your gigantic team, your sure-as-life win, your One Big Strength – just because it’s fair? And because you want to learn from your opponents more than you want to win?

I’m out. This is too much. This team is TOO FUCKING MUCH.

“You’ll lose tonight if you play like this.”

“Maybe,” Jeremy agreed, unconcerned. “Maybe not. Should be fun either way, right? I don’t remember the last time I was this psyched for a game.”

There is no way in hell I’m not faceclaiming this guy as known Puff Champion Cedric Diggory now.

No. Way. In. Hell.

Neil finally understood how the USC Trojans had won the Day Spirit Award eight consecutive years.

Bitch, me too, the fuck.

“I take back what I said about earthquakes,” Nicky said weakly. “I have a new favourite team.”

BITCH, ME TOO, THE FUCK.

And with that, the game is on, and I can’t remember the last time I was so pumped for a good ol’ match of Orange Murder Sportsball.

Despite their Line-Up of Dreams, the Trojans pretty much wipe the floor with the Foxes in the first half, as was to be expected.

But in second half – well, let’s just say I ain’t never seen a badger run a marathon.*

USC could have taken control of the game in a heartbeat if only they’d rethink their strategy. If they pulled their three subs from the sidelined players the Foxes’ night was over. But the Trojans had made up their mind and they weren’t backing down.

HELL YES.

BECAUSE THEY’RE THE FUCKING FAIREST BEST FUCKING SPORTS IN THIS ENTIRE DAMNED LEAGUE.

(*For the record: Foxes don’t exactly run marathons either – according to the mighty Internet, foxes can run up to 55 km/h and badgers up to 30 km/h, but both only over short distances. A human Trojan would definitely outrun a fox (or a badger) over a long distance. So much for brand accuracy.)

But then! Oh, who would have thought! This is so completely surprising! The Foxes catch their wind on the second half! Amazing, they start to dominate the game! And – and – and it’s a win! Win for the Foxes! WIN FOR THE FOXES!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and excited for them and all, but as if we didn’t absolutely see this coming.

“Is this what dying feels like?” [Alvarez] asked, and called over her shoulder, “Babe, I think I’m dying. Do I still have legs?”

Things like these make my sports-ignorant ass realize just how hardcore the Foxes playing full halves actually is.

No subs, we die like men.

Also, Alvarez’ “babe” turns out to be Laila Dermott, which makes me love the Trojans even more – and I truly did not think this was possible – because Exy Lesbians.

“That was fantastic. (…) I want to do it again. Next year, maybe, when my legs grow back.”

“Stop being such a baby,” Laila said.

This banter is giving me life.

If anyone has any fanart of these two buff buttercups, please send it my way pronto.

Neil didn’t care how many hearts they broke that night. They’d beaten USC. (…) The Foxes were going to finals, and that was the only thing that mattered.

HEEEEEEEECK YEEEEEEEEES.

Before we move on to post-semi-final celebrations, allow me to gush about the Trojans one last time, and then I promise I’m done melting into a puddle every time one of them so much as speaks.

“[Jean] will be back in the fall. He just won’t be back in black.” Jeremy flashed his toothy grin. (…) “He’s transferring to USC for his senior year.”

This is one of the best ideas anyone has had in this entire book. Four for you, Trojean, you go, Trojean.

(And none for Riko Moriyama, bye.)

“We’ll have to get him some sun this summer, though! He’s a little pale to pull of red and gold right now,” Jean laughed.

[To the tune of California Girls] California puffs they’re unforgettable…

Also, in which Jean is #me in summer, all day err’day.

Tanning is for weak people, we sunburn like true Germans.

Nicky (…) cut the TV off. “I’ve got a theory that Renee and Jeremy are long-lost siblings. What do you think would happen if they ever joined force?”

“They’d get murdered,” Aaron said. (…) “War’s profitable; no one wants their world-peace nonsense.”

Gee, thanks, you absolute walnut.

For the record, I agree with Nicky, and I’m also counting this as the reason I immediately fell in love with Jeremy.

What can I say – in a world full of Angst, Drama, Angst, Infighting and More Angst, ya girl loves herself some good sunshiney optimists.

As for post-semi-final celebrations, the gang makes good on an old tradition and goes into town for another Fun Night of Debauchery for what I’m assuming is the last time in this series.

To think that a year ago the prospect of this would have made me break out in protective Neil feels, and now I’m actually looking forward to it.

Man, we’ve come far.

Speaking of – Andrew now apparently has no need for cracker dust anymore(!!!), has nothing against being touched in public (!!!!) and doesn’t seem to mind his Bartender Pal Roland calling him out on his Very Much Gay, Very Much Official Relationship (!!!!!).

Man, we’ve come fucking far.

“How’d you know [about Andrew being gay]?”, [Nicky said.] “Is your gaydar more advanced than mine is or – “ Nicky’s jaw dropped as he clued in. “Wait. No way. No way! Did you two –?”

BAHAHAHA.

LAUGHTER.

BIG FAT LAUGHTER.

Andrew hooked up with Big Intimidating Bartender Pal, this is glorious.

Neil’s clock was still ticking down, but his numbered days followed a different schedule now. Neil had all the time in the world, and that left a heat in his gut stronger than any whiskey could.

Fuck yes.

Fuck YES.

A very good ending to a very good second to last chapter.

...Oh shit.

Second. To. Last. Chapter.

EVER.

Next chapter will almost conclude this series (I’m told there is a short epilogue, so we’re not quite done). Next chapter will almost conclude this blog, holy shit.

We’ve been following the Orange Hellride that is this series for over a year now (thanks to my giant hiatuses in between, oops). This is insane.

I’ll get all emotional and grateful and weepy in the last chapter and final book recap, so dry eyes over here for now, but y’all – get ready.

This ride is about to end, and knowing this series, we’re about to go out with a fucking bang.

Oh dear.

Before I go - a quick note on the update situation for the last few uploads (meaning chapter 17, epilogue, book recap). This feels almost redundant to say after my schedule has been very loose (soz) these past few chapters anyways, but I will be taking some liberties for the finish line.

This blog has been one of my greatest pride and joys over the last year, and I really wanna stick the landing. This means I'd rather spend an extra day refining than update by hook and by crook. As a loose time estimate – expect the last chapter by the end of the week, possibly earlier.

Let me make this good for you guys. I'm way excited (and scared), and I hope you are too.

Peace and love, y'all.

#tfc #the foxhole court #aftg #all for the game #jeremy knox #aka my new husband #tkm #the king's men #nora sakavic #nicki reads tfc #please hold my hand through the last chapter #PLEASE

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222jules222 · 5 years

Text

Rambling time because I have nothing else to do.

So my partner and I are reaching our one year anniversary on Nov. 30th and I couldn’t be more happy. I dead ass met this amazing, gorgeous, talented human on tinder when I was literally treating the app as a way to pass the time when all of my other socials got boring.

They won me over for a date fairly quickly after shooting me some fire puns and dumb jokes, as well as our common love for midwest emo music (we’re those people, judge us as you will). Our first date was at a local pottery shop where we painted mugs together and I realized how his presence made me feel weirdly calm and at ease with myself. I painted bees on my mug and he helped me paint it yellow and blue. His hands were soft and he had callouses on his fingers from playing guitar. We talked about what we saw in the clouds, what our goals for the future were, and where we dreamed of going one day. After our mugs were done I suggested we walk down the road to a local outdoor diner, stupidly forgetting that it was 40 degrees outside. He agreed to the walk though, and would later tell me that even though he hated the cold he agreed so that he could spend more time with me. Despite the cold and the growing darkness we lost track of time talking about the world while we shivered in the cold eating our sandwiches. While we eventually wandered our way back to our cars I couldn’t help but spiraling into a ball of anxiety thinking about how I was worried he wouldn’t want to see me again. Yet upon saying goodbye he touched my face and gave me one of the sweetest kisses I’ve ever been lucky enough to experience, then told me that he sincerely hoped to see me again. I left that night with high hopes for what the future might hold for us, though secretly knowing that like most tinder relationships we would probably fizzle out with the end of the honeymoon stage.

Over the next several weeks I came to know how truly genuine and caring he was as a person, and I confirmed my gut feeling that there was something special with them. I still have the cat themed card that was in the care package he left at my door the night I started working my dreaded overnight shifts. He taught me my first chords on the guitar, only to surprise me that Christmas with the acoustic of my dreams. He constantly inspires me and pushes me to be the best musician I can. I can’t count the amount of hours we have just sat together in his bedroom playing songs for each other.

Throughout those first few months I learned how much of a goof he is, and how he has a bit of ‘sarcastic asshole’ humor sprinkled in his personality. We tease and give each other shit for everything we do and I love every bit of it. I learned that he suffers from chronic anxiety like I do, and we’ve had long talks into the night about our own fears and mental health experiences. He has a way of listening to me that makes me feel like I’m the only one in the world. I learned that he loves cats, specifically his cat Merlot, more that anything in the world. I would eventually grow to love Merlot just as much, and eventually become his adopted cat mom. I learned that he couldn’t give two shits about masculinity or what other people think of him, and he has let me practice makeup looks on him countless times. He fully supports my dreams as an artist and drives me to work as hard as I can to follow these goals.

The morning he told me he loved me will forever stay in my mind as one of the best moments I’ve been lucky enough to experience. We had been dating for four months at this point and neither of us had yet to tell the other the L word (in this case it being love not lesbian, though he’s fully supportive of my bi queer ass agenda). I had realized long ago that I loved him, but upon each passing month my anxieties began to grow. I worried that he might see us as something in passing, that he didn’t want anything longterm or remotely serious, though his actions showed otherwise. My therapist and close friends all pointed out the obvious, that I could easily just talk to him about what he sees for the future and what he wanted. Whenever I eventually built up the mental courage to ask him such, he explained to me that his deep affection for me was exactly why he hadn’t told me that he loved me yet. They wanted to be truly sure of their feelings before telling me that he loved me so that there was no chance of me getting hurt from doubt or second guessing. To be honest, hearing this was such a bittersweet moment that I will forever cherish. It allowed me the time to practice my patience and allowed him the time he needed to confirm his feelings. The morning he decided to tell me was sunny, and I remember that the light coming through my window seemed extra soft and golden. He had to get ready for work but he turned off all of his alarms and stayed in bed for an extra long time just to play with my hair and lay with me a bit longer. He kept giving me these long looks that I had never seen before, but felt loving and comforting all the same. The entire time I was practically screaming ‘I love you’ in my head but I refused to tell him due to my worry of scaring him away (irrational but that’s how my brain works). We joked about him faking sick and calling in to work just to stay and sleep in, and put off him getting up till the very last minute. Eventually though he had to get up and get dressed for work, and I laid back down in bed and teased him about getting the day off. As he was getting ready to leave he kept holding my face and kissing me, seemingly refusing to leave or look away from me. Not to be stereotypical but I truly felt like we were the only two people in the world. His finally work alarm went off and he gave me a long, loving kiss and embrace that nearly made me melt. They looked into my eyes and said, “I love you, Julia,” before giving me another kiss and getting up to leave. I told him I loved him back, and I am not exaggerating the fact that I felt a physical weight get lifted off my chest. I also felt like I could see the beginnings of a true future with this person I loved so much.

Since then, he has grown to become one of my best friends and soulmate. Though we don’t live together, his home has now become my second home. He calls me the mom of his three cats, all of whom I would die for in a heart beat (they’re the best cats ever I swear). I’ve put pink and white fairy lights around our room and I’ve gotten him to love plants nearly as much as I do. We’re very domestic but I honestly couldn’t love it more. We love to do things together but we also love doing our own individual things, whether that be at home or out living our own lives. We tell each other about our days and we talk about what we want our house to look like when we move to Colorado one day. We make career goals together and are able to have mature conversations about how we can best work towards these goals. He calls me out on my shit and grounds me to Earth when my anxiety sends me spinning or I’m thinking very irrationally. He’s truly worked his way into my soul in a way no other human has. While I have loved other people in my lifetime I have found a life partner that I love in a way I have never experienced before.

So with all of that said, I think I have made it clear that I am more than excited for us to reach our one year this month. As we are both going with my family to Florida for Thanksgiving, I am planning an early celebration on the beach for the two of us. We are going to get our favorite Italian food take out and have a picnic at sunset next to the ocean. I’m going to put candles all around the blanket and we will bring our guitar and ukulele to have a jam session with our toes in the sand. What we both agreed on is the fact that we don’t need anything fancy or overly special to celebrate because we both simply want to be in the moment and enjoy each other’s company in a beautiful place. I want to end the night watching the stars and drinking our favorite wine before we go back to the condo to watch a movie. What’s exciting about all of this is that I truly feel like I’m going to have so many more anniversaries to celebrate with him, so I don’t feel any pressure to do something spectacular for this one.

Long story short: I love my human more than anything in this world (other than maybe his cats) and I can’t wait to see where life takes us together.

#I'm a dumbass who's in love #love #rambling #sorry for posting such a long ass post but i had to ramble somewhere

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rohobi · 6 years

Text

Serendipity 03 | (M)

pairing— jeon jungkook x reader, friendwithbenefitsAU genre/warnings— smut, fluff, slight angst, swearing words—2,802 ↳ CHAPTERS → CHAPTER 4

chapter 3 summary: ❝Just sit on his face.❞ A/N: I’m trying to get all of this out so I can continue writing my Jin story but yeah, if I make you smile/laugh, let me know!

“I hate my life,” pulling the hood of your jumper over your face, you groan loudly. You feel so embarrassed by last night. “Why me, just fucking why.”

The couple beside you flinch at the volume of your voice. You groan loudly again because who really cares about the well being of the three customers beside you in this small retro looking alley cafe in the middle of nowhere. Especially when coffee around here costs an arm and a couple toes. Actually, you aren’t sure why more people aren’t just as angry as you.

“Ooh, that isn’t a nice sound coming from your sweet lips Y/N,” Namjoon, the cafe manager hands you an iced americano (on the house of course because you designed their web page). “What existential malaise is plaguing my dearest wallflower urchin today?”

Accepting his offering, you place it in front of you. “Besides the condescending wince you made when I joked about your below average quality of coffee beans called cool beans. Nothing. Nothing at all.” You aggressively move the straw against the ice in your cup.

“Ah, the ups and downs of Y/N’s life,” he says, watching you sip your americano through a green crazy straw as per your request. “Just last week you were celebrating the beginning of your sexual identity and now you’re in the slopes. You’re a very interesting character.”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment and not a cutting insult. What about you? How are you?” You ask, watching him pull out the chair in front of you. “Any cute new customers?”

He sits on the chair, folding his arms across his chest and one foot over the other. “Unfortunately the only cutie in my life is Seokjin and my life is great. Of course, besides the constant self-abnegation for people with a lack of modesty and empathy on a daily basis with a twisted sense of consumerist mentality, I am surviving.” He says quickly. Leaning forward, he looks at you with bulging eyes. “But that’s not why you are here now is it.”

You nod silently. “I’m sensing a man with fire in his eyes and trouble in the south.” he whispers.

You nod again, prompting a revelatory gasp from the man who quite possibly knew everything and the answer to absolutely anything. “Here I was thinking you were a young lesbian with a bad haircut and a strikely heinous obsession with yellow hoodies.”

You look down at your attire, it was comfortable, come on!

“Well in that case, how can I help?” he offers.

“Hmmm. Well, if I were to be completely honest with you. I don’t know what to do,” you mutter as though the very issue hindered more than just your thought process. “If a perfectly able young man were to offer you ...his… um… offer you his ugly turtleneck to ...let you use it whenever you wanted ...you know, learn how to wear them. Would you let him?”

Pushing the black square glasses up the bridge of his nose, he rises from his seat at the prompting of his service bell. Standing on a lean, gripping his chin in thought, he mutters. “Would wearing this turtleneck impact your quality of life?”

You blink. “No….”

“Do you have plans on returning the favour?”

Heat creeps across your cheeks. “Yes. I mean, we've done it kind of once already.”

“Well, my life motto these days seems to be ‘fuck it’ so that's what I’m going to gift you right now in trade of that poorly constructed hypothetical. If the man wants you to have sex with him whenever you want, why not try it if that is what you want?”

You stare at him. “That’s not what I mean. I’m just ...I guess I am afraid that it won't be what I want.”

“Well, I am assuming that this man is Jungkook and from the ghastly look on your face, I’m going to assume that you want to bump uglies as well but you’re too shy to admit it out loud or to yourself. So in that case, maybe you should go and talk to him again.”

“How the fuck did you know???”

He winks at you. “I’ll talk to you later, I must service these customers. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“But you’d do everything,” Dropping your head onto the table, you groan again. “Fuck my life.”

Your phone pings with a notification, vibrating against the table. Reaching out for it, you lift your head and read the message from the familiar brown haired boy you were just thinking about.

Jungkook:http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/confessions/tips/a3497/oral-sex-tips/ You haven’t messaged me in a while and so I thought I’d drop by and fuel your growing mind [12:41]

“What the hell?” you whisper, opening the url. “I’m not reading this.” closing it immediately.

You: What did you just send me? [12:42]

Jungkook: Can’t talk, am about to finish class. Like I said, oral sex is a good place to start. You know what sex has the potential to feel like now. So we’ll go from there. I’ll start with you and then you can reciprocate, so read up [12:42]

You: Are you giving me homework? [12:42]

Jungkook: ...and if you don’t do it, I’ll have to bend you over my desk and punish that sweet ass of yours [12:43]

You immediately turn your phone off before reading his next text. Tossing it to the far end of the table in disgust. He’ll start with me? Groaning, you slump into your seat. Gross.

“You okay there buttercup?” Seokjin, Namjoons partner asks, sitting in front of you. “Fancy seeing you here.”

You lift your gaze to his as he sits in the seat in front of you. “Saw you talking to Namjoon before, he said you were in quite a pickle, anything I can help you with?”

“Honestly, I’m about to engage in an unhealthy relationship with Jungkook where we have regular sex and he wants to give me oral sex and besides the shaving of my pubic hair and the stretching in the shower I’ll have to do-” you raise your hand “-I know, TMI but other than the fear of tasting and smelling bad down in the bat caves. I’m literally so terrified of what is going to happen next and I don’t know how to be sexy with that kind of stuff and I was wondering if you could help me because I can’t even help myself.” you pant, almost blue in the face at your little rant.

Seokjin stares at you baffled. “All of that came out so quickly.”

You nod, sipping your drink. "I'm scared that I'm ugly down there."

“Well, thank you for being honest with me. This must be difficult for you to express yourself so openly and honestly.”

You nod again. “I feel like I’m tossed into a salad mixer and you know me, I hate vegetables.”

“I don’t know what that is supposed to mean in that context but I can tell you one thing Y/N, I wouldn’t worry about being sexy. Jungkook is a young wee thing, I’ve seen him get a boner over you in shorts so if that is any consolation, don’t worry about that.”

“What? A boner….” you mumble, “Can I ask you a crude question?”

He nods.

“You’ve eaten ass which is pretty much the same thing as a vagina, any tips that could help me be more comfortable?”

He laughs, shaking his head at your vulgarity and ignorance. “It’s not quite the same thing my dearest. But, shower first. Make sure everything is clean. Wear some nice underwear. Shave and moisturize your legs if you want, just something soft. Wash your hair, give it a little spruce and just be yourself.”

Namjoon walks up behind him, putting his hands on his shoulders. “And if that all fails my dear, just sit on his face.”

“Sit on his face?” you ask, “Why would I need to do that?”

They both laugh at you. “Just sit on it.”

“His face...?” you question, mortification obvious across your features. “Why…”

Namjoon and Seokjin look between each other, laughter ebbing out of their mouths. “And if he doesn’t open his mouth, just tickle his waist. His mouth will be wide open then.”

“Just have fun.” they surmise at your confusion. And you're about to investigate further when your phone pings with another notification, distracting you from addresing your confusion.

Jungkook: I just left class early and am running to you now. Should be at the cafe in less than a couple mins [12:54]

“Jungkook’s on his way,” you muster, taking your hood down. “Seriously, any last minute advice.”

“Use your fingers is all I’m going to say.” Seokjin says and Namjoon laughs shyly.

“Take it slow, experience it all.”

“Okay, talking to both of you hasn’t helped because now I have more questions and I am even more confused.”

The doorbell sounds and you all look to the entrance of the cafe. Spotting a panting and sweaty Jungkook, you wave him over. He smiles when he spots you and you smile back as he rushes over.

“Well, we better leave you two then.” they say, letting Jungkook take Seokjins seat.

“I’ll bring another coffee and cake for Jungkook over,” Namjoon says, giving you a wink. “Iced americano coming up for the man.”

“Yes please.” Jungkook grins, putting his backpack on the ground and sitting comfortably in front of you. Then you watch Jungkook grab the napkin and pat his sweaty forehead with it.

"Well, I'm pretty hungry. How was your day?" he asks, leaning foward, giving you all of his attention. It was unnerving.

You look at anything but him. "It was good and then I got your texts..."

He winks. "Let's talk about those later tonight okay?"

You nod.

Namjoon places a mudcake with cream in front of Jungkook and his eyes widen into saucers before digging in. You watch him shovel the cream into his mouth with a stupid happy grin, some of it catching on his upper lip.

"Jungkook?" you ask, prompting his attention.

He smiles at you, "Wh-hat?"

Frowning, you point to his upper lip. "You've got half the cake on your upper lip."

He grins louder before poking his tongue out to get it and you slump in your seat watching him try. How can someone be so good at making you feel things but on the other hand, be such a child? It confused you. He confused you.

And one thing plagued your mind while you watched him. "I don't want to be confused anymore and I want to sit on Jungkook's face" -whatever that meant.

#bts fanfic #bts scenarios #bts imagines #bangtan imagines #bangtan scenarios #bts #bts jungkook #jungkoooookie #bangtan boys #bts angst #bts smut #bts fluff #bts fuck my life #bts humour

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theautisticquillholder · 3 years

Text

Murderous Love Chapter II

(WARNING: This fanfiction has themes of Suicidal Ideation, Suicide itself, Self harm, Sexual Assualt, Murder, Extreme Bullying and Humiliation and a lot of Mental Illness related content and is NOT appropriate for children and the faint of heart. If you are under 18 or may be triggered by the content of this fanfiction please do not read this.)

Mitsuhide’s POV

It was the next morning and I couldn’t sleep at all last night due to the nightmares that I have had of yesterday when Da Ji did those despicable things to me.

I went to the bathroom to have a shower and as I removed my bed Kimono, I looked at the scars on my arms, I was surprised that Motochika didn’t notice them at all.

I soon remember the Instagram post, the horrible things that were said to me by Loki and Ares and grabbed a small blade and began cutting my arms again. I continued until I heard the door open, I flinched and looked up to find Motochika with tears in his eyes.

I teared up “Wh-Why didn’t you knock?” I asked.

Motochika walked to me, grabbed my blade and threw it away from me and hugged me “I was worried, and I didn’t want to give you the chance to hide what was going on… Why? Why must a beautiful man like you have to cut his beautiful skin?”

I hugged him tightly and cried harder, I felt like I wasn’t worthy of this amazing man in front of me.

I then heard Gracia walk in asking why I was crying only to find the blade and looked at us “Motochika, please explain what the hell happened in here? NOW!”

I flinched; I never knew how protective Gracia is of me until now. Motochika looked at Gracia and said,

“I was in bed when he self-harmed, I woke up when I had a bad feeling about something and came here, I didn’t knock because that would have given Mitsuhide the chance to hide what he was doing. I saw him cutting himself when I entered, I knelt down, took the blade, and threw it across the room hence why you see it where it is right now. I asked him why he must hurt himself in such a way.”

Gracia teared up as Motochika explained this and went to grab the blade

“Thank you for stopping him. I’ll give father this and explain what happened. I’ll also be booking an appointment with Hades for oniichan and request his understanding if you need to be there as well.”

I hugged Motochika tightly as the two spoke. I then heard “Mitsuhide, you and Motochika are only going to go to school to attend the appointments with your school chaplain for the next month. I have spoken to the principal, and she has said that its okay and she’ll collect your schoolwork from your teachers so that you don’t fall behind in class. Thankfully, they do not believe in attendance rewards since attending school is the bare minimum and you two do more than the bare minimum.”

We looked up to find my father standing at the doorway, Gracia looked at our father “Do I have to skip school as well? Or can I go to collect the schoolwork?”

my father looked at Gracia “You still have to go to school Gracia. But I understand why you asked.” He said to her.

Gracia smiled “well I want to go because one, Koshosho is there and two Principal Gaia collecting the work is futile if you don’t have someone bringing it here.”

We all laughed at her statement. Gracia giggled “I’m glad you find that funny.”

Gracia and my father soon left the bathroom closing the door behind them. Motochika and I stood up and we went to have a shower together. I was a bit nervous; my body was petite and feminine looking minus the developed hips and the female breasts, because of this I’m a bit self-conscious as many people prefer men who are my height to have some muscle to them.

Motochika smiled “Come on, no need to hide yourself. You don’t need to be muscular. That’s my job. You’re the uke of our relationship, with that in mind, I think you’re perfect the way you are.”

I then walked towards Motochika before stepping into the shower and hugged him. He hugged back, smiling “Very huggy mood today huh. Don’t worry I’m not being mean, I’d rather this than you self-harming.”

I smiled “There is a difference to being mean and having a small giggle because of a strange habit.”

We then washed each other while I heard My parents and Motochika’s parents talking about us. As we were finished and got out of the shower to dry ourselves off, I then heard some noise coming from the basement which sounded a lot like construction work.

We got dressed and walked out of the bathroom, I saw my mother smiling saying, “I am proud to welcome my son in law into our household.”

I blinked before Motochika’s mother added “Motochika, because you’re needed here more than ever, myself and Mitsuhide’s mother have decided that it would be best if you live here until you and Mitsuhide can get a place of your own.”

Motochika teared up and hugged his mother saying “Thank you so much Okasan! I promise I’ll treat Mitsuhide like the prince he is!”

I realised what has happened and teared up, but this time these were happy tears. I was extremely happy, the man I love is living with me. I then heard my mother say,

“This arrangement cannot be carried out as of right now as we’re currently turning our basement into a studio apartment for the two of you so that you two can be a couple without us interfering, the only thing that will be required of you would be to sit with us during dinner, since you two already do that it’s not that big of an issue.”

We then walked to my room. Motochika laid on my bed happier than ever “Looks like we can be together more often.”

I smiled and hugged Motochika

“Yes. I think the spirits of the women from our past lives would be happy about this. No interference from any of our families.” I replied.

We then turned on the TV and my PlayStation 4 and flicked to YouTube, I saw an update from one of my favourite history YouTube channels ‘Elizavata Heridervary’ (Play on words, Heritage and Elizaveta’s last name Hedervary) posting about the tragic lives of Ayano, and Izumi I clicked on it smiling

“I want to watch this!” I said and we began watching the video.

*Video*

“Hello everyone and welcome back to my channel, today I’ll be telling you about the Lady Samurai Ayano and her lesbian lover Izumi.

Akechi Sakura Ayano was born January thirty first, fifteen twenty-six to farmers Akechi Akane and Kanesada Zetsumei. She had an older brother named Takumi. Ayano’s childhood until she reached the age of sixteen wasn’t an eventful one. Her mother Akane spent time tending to the farm and going to the marketplace to sell her produce while her Father Zetsumei stayed home and took care of the children. Ayano wasn’t content with staying inside the house for long, so at the age of nine she started to help her mother on the farm even though in families who live on farms and have a strong farmhand, the average age children joining their mother’s on the farm was fourteen. She was a hard-working farmhand, and her mother was pleased. Ayano spent her free time from farming meditating, journaling, and training in the art of the sword. When Ayano reached the age of fifteen, she grew tired of farming and when she went out to the marketplace to collect some new clothes for her father and brother, she saw a cloth that was nailed onto the board where the missing persons posters, job vacancies, and other community related things would normally be. She took a closer look when she discovered that it was a request for students to attend the Lady Samurai Academy. She took the cloth down and placed it in her pocket, got the items her father has requested and walked back home. When she was home, she told her parents about the enrolment request from the Lady Samurai Academy and that she was interested in going. Zetsumei was supportive of his daughter’s decision, but Akane wasn’t as keen. She remembered being forced onto the battlefield and the horrible things she has seen, when Akane told the family her views Zetsumei had enough of Akane setting so many expectations on Ayano while Takumi was allowed to do what interests him and gave Akane an ultimatum, Let Ayano go to the Academy, or he files for divorce. Akane not wanting to cause any trouble for her baby boy relented and allowed Ayano to attend the academy. Ayano attended the academy until she reached the age of twenty-one and went to join the army of Saito Naomi. At first Naomi wasn’t interested in recruiting new retainers so Ayano went back to the Academy and spent one year teaching meditation and the benefits of journaling. In the year fifteen forty-eight when she reached the age of twenty-two, she tried again to join Naomi’s retainers, this time Naomi agreed on one condition however, her right-hand maiden, Takenaka Tsubasa, who is known to be a fierce warrior, is allowed to test whether or not Ayano was worthy of joining.

Chosokabe Izumi was born on the sixteenth of February fifteen thirty, just four years after Akechi was born, to hunters Chosokabe Yuzuki and Miyoshi Morinari. Her childhood was also an uneventful one, however whenever she went out to play with the other children, she was bullied, which caused her to stay home and read and teach herself medicine. Not much is known about the events of the rest of her childhood, until she reached the age of eighteen, when her grandmother Kinen sent her to the palace of Saito Naomi to train as a maid. Naomi was so impressed by Izumi’s knowledge of medicine that she allowed Izumi to work in the infirmary as well as her normal maid duties.

As Izumi walked to Naomi to acquire a new task for her to complete, she walked into the room where Akechi Ayano and Takenaka Tsubasa were duelling. Ayano was able to disarm Tsubasa, but the halberd flew towards Izumi, Ayano saw this, ran to Izumi, and pushed her out of the way, causing the halberd to pierce the ground instead. Ayano’s quick thinking saved Izumi’s life and shocked everyone in the room. Tsubasa commended Ayano for her deed and the two started another duel, while Naomi requested that Izumi stayed in the room to watch the duel. The duel ended this time Ayano was the victor. Tsubasa congratulated her and informed Naomi that Ayano is worthy to join.

During her employment as one of Saito’s Retainers Ayano and Izumi spent a considerable amount of time together. Yuzuki was impressed that her daughter was able to find someone with whom she can relate to and allowed the relationship to continue. Akane on the other hand wasn’t impressed that Ayano had expressed interest in the maiden and swiftly went to work securing a worthy male suitor for her daughter.

As Akane was searching for male suitors to arrange a marriage for Ayano, Ayano and Izumi had grown fond of each other, to the point of having a lesbian relationship. By the time Akane was able to secure a meeting with Naomi and her son Saito Naoko, Ayano’s relationship with Izumi became so intense that when Akane tried to arrange for Ayano to marry Naoko, Naomi objected the marriage, causing Akane and Ayano to have a heated argument. Historians have debated that Akane had said to Ayano “You don’t want to marry the prince because you’re in love with that lowly maid! She will never have my blessing!” and Ayano telling her mother that her mother’s views will not sway her, told her mother what she had done to her father and another man, disowning her own mother, and stormed off.

Ayano and Izumi spent more time together but were never able to marry due to Kinen’s homophobic views threatening to destroy Ayano’s Reputation. Izumi refused to marry her lover just to protect her as Izumi knew that if Kinen finds out about the marriage, she will destroy Ayano’s reputation as a respectful samurai until she dies as a disgrace and dishonourable woman. The two however were able to convince Ayano’s brother Takumi, to have intercourse with Izumi so that Ayano and Izumi were able to raise children. In the year fifteen fifty-three Izumi gave birth to a baby boy named Akechi Yao and two years later eleven days after Ayano’s twenty-ninth birthday and five days shy of Izumi’s twenty seventh birthday, Izumi gave birth to another baby boy, Akechi Kiku. Ayano and Izumi raised the two boys as best as they could as Ayano had to go away fighting on occasion. In fifteen seventy-one when their youngest son was sixteen Ayano along with her fellow retainers went to fight against Uesugi Echiko, a long-time nemesis of Saito Naomi. While Naomi was victorious in the first battle at Yamashiro, when Ayano was defending Yamashiro, she was outnumbered by Uesugi’s army and despite being able to fight most of them off, Ayano was inevitably captured. Echiko, impressed by Ayano’s skill in Military Strategy and her skill with the sword tried to convince Ayano to surrender and fight as an Uesugi Officer. Ayano refused, explaining to her that her heart and soul belongs to the Saito and that she cannot leave her lover and children behind. Echiko, a bit saddened by the rejection understood and was about to let Ayano go but the Uesugi retainers had informed Echiko that Ayano is dangerous to be left alive. As a result, Echiko had sentenced Ayano to death, Ayano pulled out a short blade, undressed until only her hakama remained, impaled herself in the stomach and sliced it open. For those who haven’t watched many of my Japanese History videos, this method of one taking their own life is named Seppuku, it is a ritual death in which Samurai perform to retain their honour. After the death of Ayano, Echiko beheaded her and sent her head along with a wooden sculpture of Ayano’s body to the Saito. The Reason Echiko didn’t send Ayano’s actual body over was because she was moved by Ayano’s sense of honour for herself, her clan and the clan in which she is a retainer of and because of that honour, Echiko felt that it was cruel to send Ayano’s body in the state that it’s in, so she only sent the head to give the Saito Clan some closure on what had happened to their beloved warrior.

When Ayano’s head and the body sculpture had arrived at the Saito, Naomi, Izumi and Ayano’s sons were beside themselves with grief. Naomi read the letter Echiko sent stating that she couldn’t bear to send the actual body as it has been battered and cut. Naomi placed Ayano’s head on the sculpture and the Saito Clan had a hero’s funeral for their departed general. Izumi after the funeral had written in a scroll that had said.

‘On the sixteenth year of our youngest son’s life, I have lost the one person who has expressed to me that I was a reason to fight and a reason to return home alive. Words could not express how much I love her, she was my strength when I felt weak, she was my sunshine in my darkest days, she made me laugh when I wanted to cry, she made me smile when I felt that smiling wasn’t possible at that moment, she called me beautiful when everyone deemed me ugly. She convinced her brother to help her give me two beautiful strong boys. Akechi Sakura Ayano wasn’t the hero I wanted, but the hero I needed.’

Izumi raised her teenage sons, her youngest, Kiku, who idolised his departed mother Ayano joined the ranks of the Saito Retainers at age twenty and had served Naomi and Naoko for sixty more years. In the year 1582 Izumi had news that her eldest son Yao had died to Jigai, another form of seppuku when he was taken hostage by the Uesugi. Izumi passed away at in the year sixteen hundred at the age of seventy.

Ayano Akechi and Izumi Chosokabe were buried in the same grave on the Akechi estate.

Ayano and Izumi’s story has lived on in a movie ‘The Proper Maiden and the Lady Samurai’ and these historical figures are featured in many video games, one notable one is ‘Oda no Musou’ which is a hack and slash game which features these figures and many others from that specific time period.”

Motochika and I had tears in our eyes as we listened to Elizaveta talk about Ayano and Izumi’s lives we then watched the end part of the video as we wiped our tears and cleared our minds of the tragic story.

*Video*

“Hello again, Elizaveta here again. Before I finish this video off, I thought I might mention some things about this story and my format of telling it. I apologize to my Japanese viewers if I have butchered your wonderful language and the names of these historical figures. I was once completing a history assignment on the Oda period and while I was having a break from the assignment, I did a bit of reading on Akechi Ayano, and I must say, it has intrigued me. So, when I got the chance, I did more research on the life of this honourable Samurai, I couldn’t find too much about her time on the battlefield as Ayano had served the Saito for a short time before being sentenced to death by Echiko. So, I thought I might do some research on what happened when Ayano wasn’t fighting and found information on Izumi, her lesbian lover. If you have any feedback, please leave a comment down below and if you want me to do a video on Akechi Kiku, Ayano’s youngest son, also leave a comment down below.”

I looked at Motochika saying “That is such a sad story.”

Motochika replied “I know, but Ayano and Izumi have been given another chance through us. We can do the things they couldn’t do, that’s the only way we can honour them.”

I nodded and rested my head on Motochika’s chest.

#samurai warriors #mitsuhide akechi #chosokabe motochika #warriors orochi

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xseildnasterces · 3 years

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the reckoning.

Yesterday I had the most wonderful day. I felt so at one with nature and just free and happy. I cannot even fully explain the feeling. It was genuinely some form of euphoria.

I have this thing that I have got from my mum. Whenever I am somewhere new, regardless of whether it is whilst travelling, or if I am living somewhere new or re-exploring somewhere I look at a map and always seem to find something geographically that I feel a pull and a draw to. This is what happened with where I went yesterday. I have been looking at this certain part of DC for a while. It is a strange triangle that sticks out and has a ‘end’, a final point that you can go right to the edge of the earth (ground) to. I have been determined to visit this place for a while but have never got off my butt to do so, so yesterday I decided it was the day to do it. I laced up my ugly little trainers, packed some water in my backpack, looked up the directions on my phone, put in my Airpods and set off. I really did feel euphoric. Once I got out of the city and into the area, I was heading I found myself walking alone down grass banks, through tree groves, through flowers and surrounded by blossom trees. I was never far from civilisation which made me feel safe, but I was alone for long enough to be able to take off my mask. I felt so happy. I was on a high and had no care in the world of who may be looking at me. I found myself wandering through the trees and the open spaces with my arms out just experiencing some form of magic. Everything felt magical. Everything felt free and I just felt so ‘home’. I passed people sat alone with nothing but a camping chair, paint, and a sketch pad. I passed a couple laying down on a blanket and as I reached the final point of land there were people everywhere. I put back on my mask as there was a carpark there so most people came all the way to the end to fish, picnic, BBQ and just spend time with friends and family. It made me feel happy to feel some form of normal. The grass path I had been following cut across the very tip of the point of land I have been aiming for, so I went off path to ensure I walked to the very edge. I looked out into the ocean (tidal basin?) and found myself laying on the grass drinking my much-needed water. I called my phone whilst I sat in the sun and we video called so I could show her where I had found myself. We chatted for a while before it got too hot and I needed to start walking back. I followed the grass around so that I didn’t head back the same way and found myself wandering through more grass banks, some between roads as I got closer to the city, under and over bridges and again through flowers that just cover the city. I finally got home a good few hours later. My feet were sore from not wearing the right shoes, but I felt wonderful. Almost 9 miles in total and I felt happy. I cannot explain how important nature is to my happiness. Just being outside in the sun among nature is honestly the way to my heart, and right now I am very happy to shower myself in love by taking myself on nature dates. It was just such a wonderful day. It is certainly my new favourite place here and I intend to head back there again and find a small quite spot to lay in the sun and read a book. Bliss. And yep, euphoria. Oh, and I saw my first wild racoon! I know they are classed as a pest, but it was so cute, and I really wanted to see one in the wild so it made me happy!

Today wasn’t quite as perfect. I woke up with horrendous anxiety. I don’t tend to get wake up anxiety very often anymore, but this morning was horrendous. I couldn’t get up. Thankfully Finnish class was cancelled so I could stay in bed longer, but I was in a constant state of panic, couldn’t clear my thoughts and couldn’t get back to sleep either. I finally did fall asleep but forgot to put my phone on silent and Sky News decided to send me an update. The phone was next to my face and it scared me half to death setting off a panic attack and another wave of horrific anxiety. I eventually got up and got ready to get my eyebrows done. Yep, finally, after however long I no longer look like Charlie Simpson. I set off a little later than planned which is when a saw an old woman staring at me. I don’t know why, but I really do tend to attract all the really strange and odd people around, and not in a good way. I was listening to music and hoping that would keep her away, but nope. She began waving at me and stopped me. I turned off my music and she asked if I would take a photo of her outside the church. She told me everyone had already left – I forgot it was Sunday – and that she wanted a photo. I’m not sure why, but whatever floats your boat. She handed me an old disposable camera which brought back a lot of memories from growing up and I took a photo for her. I went to hand it back as I was losing time and needed to get going, but she then said she had seen some flowers nearby and wanted a photo with them to. I felt awkward so couldn’t say no. I followed her in the opposite direction that I needed to go until she finally found the flowers, she wanted a photo with. I stood there feeling awkward whilst she dropped all her bags on the floor and started climbing through all the flowers. Just barging through them all so she could stand in the middle. Then she dropped her coat and picked it up more than once, then went to hang it on a railing and it fell off again. I took the photo as she pulled her mask down grinning. Good deed of the day done. I handed the camera back to her and she asked me if I would go to church with her, I said, ‘no thank you’ and she told me I should go to church sometime. I smiled and walked off thinking ‘hell no’ and got a sprint on. Thankfully I got to my appointment in time and left feeling so much more confident and happier. It’s crazy how much something like getting your eyebrows can perk you up. I just felt better in myself and decided to take a longer walk home. I ended up somewhere I had never been before and found a new part of the city I want to explore! More nature, and a river! The sun just lifts my mood so much. I like walking in the sun. So, all in all it wasn’t a bad day at all, even though the streets really are beginning to fill with people again. It’s getting busy and that makes me anxious, but I guess we shall see what happens. At least I’m vaccinated so I don’t feel quite as worried as I did before. That reminds me, that’s one of my 2021 goals crossed off the list! Vaccinated against covid-19! At least for now, until we need yearly booster shots, but hey. That’s life.

I FINALLY watched ‘Tipping The Velvet’ yesterday. I remember when I first became friends with S she would go on about it all the time and how I must watch it. Period drama and lesbians...? YAS! For some reason I just never got around to it, but last night I decided to watch all three episodes and I loved it so much. It started and I thought it wasn’t for me. I didn’t think I was going to be able to get into it due to the narration, but I persevered and I’m so glad I did. I really enjoyed it and now I want to read the book, as well as ‘Fingersmith’ also by the same author, which has also been made into a TV mini series, so that has been added the the list!

I am currently feeling incredibly back in touch with my witchy self in so many ways, and I have so many things to write about regarding that, but I think I need a full post for it. I feel as though something has reawakened inside of me and without a better way of expressing it, it feels like a ‘calling’. I am very much deeply becoming more involved in witchcraft and remerging myself into that magical world and loving every minute of it.

Final note, Rise Against have a new album coming out in June and I am EXCITED. I’m also hoping this means a tour, and if it does… I shall be going – even if I have to go alone. I missed them in Frankfurt, and I will sure as hell not be missing them again.

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swagyano · 6 years

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Helpless Crush

They should be decorating for Christmas. But Dia is an admirable beauty in every way, Yoshiko is a good friend and wingman, and Riko is a useless lesbian dealing with a huge crush she hasn't talked about yet until now.

DiaRiko

Words: 2,185

AO3 Link

I haven’t written or at least posted anything in so long but DiaRiko snatched me and while I have a few WIPs with them, this one actually got done! I’m starved for content of them so here I am...... also platonic Yohane and Riko bc I adore them in sister-like friendship. I’m hoping to make a more Christmas centered sequel that focuses on them more but I’m not reliable.

Hope you enjoy!

“Here, let me help you out-” She wasn’t sure what exactly happened in the span of five seconds that suddenly got her legs moving to the other side of the room and words spouting out of her mouth before she could even think, but it certainly wasn’t the first time Riko ended up offering her assistance to the pretty upperclassman who never asked for it in the first place. However that didn’t mean the help wasn’t accepted in such cases, as she could tell in Dia’s slightly confused expression she did appreciate it, after all she’s been struggling putting up that big Christmas garland for a while now. Something Riko just so happened to notice by accident. Not because her gaze often searched for the brunette in question. That would be silly. She grabbed one of the ends of the decoration and attempted to ignore the fact their hands slightly brushed when she did so, hanging it across the wall while Dia held up the other end to make sure it doesn’t fall. It is such a simple task for two people that could’ve been done minutes ago, but a part of Riko was glad the student council president was proud enough to insist she can do it herself. Especially when their eyes met and Dia gave her that rare, sincere grateful smile that made her stomach flip every time. “Thank you, Riko. You shouldn’t have troubled yourself, but I appreciate--” “It’s fine, I don’t mind!” Again her words come out before she could construct a proper sentence in her head. At this point all she could do was hope the heat in her cheeks wasn’t too obvious. She wasn’t so self aware until she noticed the older girl’s brow raise in confusion. “If you need anything else I’ll be over there, alright? I’ll be happy to give you a hand if needed.” They exchanged nods, and Riko was blessed by another graceful smile. With a wave of hand she was dismissed and made her way back to her previous station; a set of connected tables where they’ve been decorating too many Christmas cards with stickers. Immediately she was greeted back with a pair of narrowed amethyst eyes. “... What?” “Hmpf, I should be asking you that.” The pouting Yoshiko huffed and placed her focus back onto the Christmas cards. Did they really have to make one for everyone in the school? Chika has the craziest last moment ideas. “What was all that about? You didn’t even say a word before you stormed off! Inobedient little demon, it seems like my powers over you have been weakened.” The tone of her voice was low as one would fit a fallen angel, dramatic as ever. Though nothing new, therefore leaving Riko with an unamused expression. “Blast that terrible curse you’ve been infected with...” “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Oh but you do!” An unfortunate reindeer sticker ended up on Riko’s forehead like a charm that’s meant to make all the evil perish. “This isn’t the first time it happened, Lily! You cannot fool me with your little lies! The way you get distracted, the way you never hesitate - you’re under the curse of a Kurosawa!” For the last part of it Yoshiko did lower her voice enough to keep the conversation between the two of them, You and Ruby already paused with the Christmas tree decorating to shoot them a questioning glance. While the second year was frantically trying to scrap the sticker from her forehead, Yoshiko’s words slowly sunk in, prompting a small embarrassed yelp. Or was that because she ripped the sticker off too hard? “Y-You’re being ridiculous! I just… happen to be around at the right time.” And she just so happens to notice how pretty she is every time. And the kindness and respect she treats her with. Before Riko could finish the thought she already buried her face into her hands, it was Yoshiko’s turn to look unamused. “Ugh, Yocchan-! The point is, I’m just trying to be a good friend--” “By constantly seeking her attention?” Amber eyes widened in shock at her companion as something in her chest sunk. Was the self proclaimed fallen angel smirking? How scary. And she continued quietly before Riko could utter a word. “Smiling like something hit you over the head whenever she compliments what you have to say? Getting all nervous when she looks at you for longer than you can handle? Seems like you are the one in denial here, my little demon~. Fufu, mortals are so curious, yet entertaining when it comes to this silly thing called love!” “I-I-It’s not like that at all!” Riko was the one who interrupted and earned glances from everyone else in the clubroom this time. Her breath hitched under all that attention, until they shrugged it off and returned to their tasks and chattering. Something in her was wishing demons and the underworld Yoshiko speaks of so often were real so at this very moment they could open up the ground and drag her into it, away from this situation. Dia must’ve seen it too, but Riko dared not to turn and check. And that evil angel stood there with the biggest grin on her face, completely amused and snickering at poor Riko. ‘How rude…!’ Yoshiko is truly more dangerous than one would think. The Christmas cards were long forgotten as the first year leaned onto the table, inviting the other to join in with a nod for more privacy. Having no other choice like a cornered mouse, Riko gave in and took a seat beside her. “So…~” “Okay, I might… admire her a little.” If that’s a proper way to say ‘crushing real bad’. This isn’t as simple as in her novels and manga, as much as it sometimes felt like one. Accidentally falling for the beautiful, responsible, yet sometimes dorky upperclassman. Reality is much harder than that though. “Sickening,” Yoshiko’s lips curved into a mischievous smile upon seeing Riko pout. “In an almost cute way! I never thought our serious Lily could be this weak… ah, such a curse truly has very strong effects on inexperienced mortals!” “Jeez, what’s with the whole curse thing anyways--” “Why aren’t you just honest about it?” She wasn’t sure if it was the question itself, or the unusually serious tone in the first year’s voice that genuinely caught Riko off guard. Her gaze searched for any trace of teasing on Yoshiko’s features, but she appeared really serious about it. “It’s-- it’s not that simple.” “And? Acting like such a dummy is effective, huh?” Those words didn’t even hurt when they were true. Riko huffed and lowered her chin onto her hands. They fell into silence while Riko let a hopeless sigh slip from her lips, one that made Yoshiko roll her eyes but in a endearing way. “... Dia is amazing, isn’t she? Always determined, organized…” The younger one huffed, “Childishly competitive? Have you seen the way she was ready to fight Chika one on one in table tennis over a silly idol magazine?” She couldn’t argue Yoshiko when the event from just a few days ago was brought up, but she could chuckle with adoration at the thought. The ‘softer’ side of Dia was something they all got to know very slowly, and Riko was lucky enough to witness it on her own while the two worked on projects for the group together. It only captured Aqours’ pianist’s heart even more, the elder Kurosawa was truly amazing no matter which way you look at her. “And compared to her I am well, simply put, kind of plain. Don’t you think? There’s nothing special about me, it’s a ridiculous to even think about her finding me mildly interesting.” The lack of response after a certain amount of time passed was concerning, and Riko raised her gaze to meet Yoshiko’s looking at her almost angrily. Puzzled she swallowed hard and the sense of self awareness returned. Yoshiko scowled and broke the eye contact with a shake of her head. “You’re ridiculous, Lily! I can’t believe I decided to take in a little demon with such dumb ideas under my wing! If that were true, Dia wouldn’t be trusting you with as many things as she does, yes? Seriously… you give yourself less credit than you deserve. You are also smart and just as admirable as the scary demon, it’s why you two seem to get along so well. But tch, I wouldn’t expect a mere mortal to be aware of such a strong equal wavelength.” Now she was truly speechless, mouth gaping at the underclassman in belief. While her words were scolding in a way, yes, they were clearly with a lot of good intention. Especially coming from Yoshiko, who Riko knew was not always good with words. Maybe that’s what made them even more touching. “I’m just saying, don’t cut yourself short.” The serious expression disappeared as the fallen angel hit one of her famous dramatic poses, chuckling with a weird amount of softness, “You’re forgetting you are a part of my demonic army. I promise good things to those who serve me, so just trust me and follow the darkness in your heart!” The encouraging speech was weird and unlike any Riko has heard, but it was effective. Not that she even expected one. Touched, Riko shook off her anxiety with a smile. “Yocchan, thank you...” “Pardon, Riko?” The familiar angelic voice snapped Riko out of their little realm, so much that she jumped out of her seat to meet its owner. And as expected, Dia waited there patiently, not doing much aside from that but still making Riko catch her breath. “Dia? Can I help you with something?” Her head tilted curiously at what seemed like a moment of hesitation in emerald hues. The older girl glanced behind her and Riko’s eyes followed, just to realize it was aimed for none other than Mari. Mari, who disappeared about twenty minutes ago to god knows where and left the other two members of Guilty Kiss to suffer with all the Christmas cards. And was she smiling? Why? What was that encouraging nod for? Her attention was brought back to Dia as she finally continued by clearing her throat. “I was informed about a lot of paperwork that needs to be quickly done by the end of the day, because someone,” The second year smiled to herself because she could feel Mari’s sheepish grin without even looking at her, “... failed to inform me about it sooner. I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me, with your assistance we could be done before practice…” “M-Me? Not at all, but--” “No worries!” Before she could even gesture towards the unfinished cards, Mari chimed cheerful as ever, much to Dia’s annoyance. “The two of us will make sure to finish the task in time, trust me when I say they will be shining with Christmas spirit! Is that right, oh mighty Yo~ha~ne?” Almost as if she felt bad, because she had a hunch Mari might stray away off somewhere again despite her humming promise, Riko worriedly looked back at Yoshiko. Just leaving would be impossible without a feeling of guilt. However the encouraging thumbs up seemed like a good enough approval. Smiling, she faced Dia again with a beaming smile. “Alright, I’ll be happy to help!” “R-Right.” Was that the sound of two mischievous people high-fiving behind her? Riko caught the way older girl bashfully scratched at her mole as she invited her to follow. The two exited the busy clubroom and made their way down the much more peaceful hall, Riko following along behind with hands clasped. “May I ask… why me? Isn’t Mari the one who should be helping you, being the director and all…?” “Yes, I could certainly have Mari help me.” An adorable pout was audible in the voice she tried to keep so serious. “And get nothing done, as usual! You’re a reliable one, Riko.” The heat rushed to her cheeks and she nearly missed the last part from how loudly the blood was boiling in her ears. “Besides… I admit to be rather fond of your company.” Was this the wavelength or whatever that Yoshiko went on about? It wasn’t until she had it pointed out to her that Riko thought back on moments they shared together and the certain serenity they all held. Her chest felt swelled up from such a thought, and the girl giggled as she took the courageous step forward so they could walk side by side. Was that a tint of red she spotted on Dia who insisted to keep her gaze ahead? The anxious knot in her stomach uncurled. “I enjoy it, too!” At first the third year seemed a little puzzled. But she soon joined in with a calming chuckle of her own, and the two indulged themselves into a conversation about the upcoming Christmas act. Riko didn’t know until now that her heart can beat so rapidly yet feel so content.

#love live sunshine #diariko #riko sakurauchi #dia kurosawa #a lot of platonic chatting between yohane and riko bc i love them #theyre both useless gays and help each other but more on that in a different fic maybe #please help diariko is literally KILLING ME in a good way #its 6am im gonna go pass out bye

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ladystylestores · 4 years

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Hungary transgender law throws community into limbo

Ivett Ordog, 39, is one of those affected by the new law banning legal gender changes. “While I would never go back to living the life of a male — that weird alien I used to see in the mirror — I’m also living in fear because I have no idea what’s next,” she says.

The coronavirus pandemic presents a major threat to countries’ health systems, economies and most vulnerable people.

But advocates for the transgender community say Hungary has chosen this moment to bring in a law that hurts transgender people, one of its most marginalized groups. While Prime Minister Viktor Orbán was ruling by decree, the government brought in a new law banning legal gender changes — although it did not take advantage of its emergency powers to pass the law.

The bill, passed by parliament on May 19 and signed into law a week later, states that “sex at birth” will be recorded in Hungary’s civil registry — and may not be changed later on identification documents such as driving licenses and passports.

Hungarians are only permitted to choose from a registry of specifically “male” or “female” names in accordance with their ascribed sex marker. They aren’t allowed to use a name from the other sex category on their legal documents, and there are no gender-neutral names — so many intersex, transgender and non-binary people will be forced to be legally tied to a name that, they say, does not reflect them.

Iceland, Sweden and Finland had similar rules allowing names only from set lists until they were changed in recent years.

“When I first heard about this new law, I got very angry. Angry because this country, which is very much part of my identity — and I am very proud that I am Hungarian — says to me that it doesn’t want me to be who I am. It is very dehumanizing,” says Daniel Gyarmati, 20. He realized he was transgender four years ago, at around the time the government first suspended legal gender recognition, making him “despair.” Gyarmati wanted to go to university but feared people seeing his old name in the system. When the suspension was lifted for a few months before the April 2018 election, Gyarmati was able to change his name and start university “with a calm heart.” The change will stand despite the new law.

“My claim for name and gender change has not been approved yet, so I am one of the great victims of this law,” says Laura Andrassy, 28. “I am outraged. … I am upset, but I am not surprised, sadly. I will fight for my right because I want to have a family later on, but this law hinders me from that. If I can not do it here, I will do so in another place in this world.” Andrassy says she began to accept who she was after she got to know the trans community while living in France and the US. “In Paris, acceptance was never a question. Even in Utah, one of the most conservative places in the US, there is more acceptance than in Hungary,” she says.

Transgender rights groups say this change will mean trans, non-binary and intersex people are exposed to potential discrimination every time they use a bank, rent property or apply for jobs.

Photographer Akos Stiller, who is based in Budapest, wanted to capture portraits of the people who may lose the chance to determine their own identities under the new law.

“I knew that they must take a very hard road, as well emotionally, physically, to become the gender they wish to be — and this made me believe, these persons are facing really tough challenges.”

After the legislation was proposed, he said, “I started to feel that to share their stories is a necessity.”

“Society sometimes can be judged really by how it deals with its minorities, or deals with the most vulnerable members. I think it’s very important to know these people’s stories.”

Noé Horvath, 30, realized he was transgender when he was 18. “I was afraid of what would be if I told my parents about my identity — would I be kicked out of the family?” When he was 26, he decided “that if I want to live a happy life, I have to do something about this.” He began his transition on March 8, 2017, International Women’s Day. After two months of taking hormones, he says, “nobody could have seen that I was born as a woman, but my papers still showed that I was a woman.” He says he had some embarrassing situations where people didn’t know his bank card belonged to him. Horvath was one of a group of transgender applicants who filed a successful lawsuit through the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) to change gender while the process was suspended.

Hungary is a member of the EU, but Prime Minister Viktor Orbán has been forging his own path. He has introduced a series of laws tightening regulations on the media, central bank, constitutional court and non-governmental organizations, moves that EU leaders have warned would undermine Hungary’s democracy. In 2012, Hungary’s new constitution defined life as beginning at conception and marriage as being between a man and a woman, and failed to forbid discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation. In 2016, the legal route to changing gender was suspended, and was only briefly lifted in the months before the 2018 election.

LGBTQ rights group Háttér Society tells CNN there are concerns the new law could be expanded to people who have already legally changed gender. Board member Tamás Dombos says the association has already had calls from trans people considering leaving the country — or even suicide.

While many countries have legal routes to change gender, how easy it is varies from country to country, and discrimination against trans people is common worldwide. The Trans Murder Monitoring project recorded 2,982 murders of trans and gender-diverse people globally between January 1, 2008, and September 30, 2018.

Ivett Ordog, left, says that as someone who is not visibly transgender, she faces “awkward and sometimes dangerous situations” whenever she shows her ID because she has to come out every time. Ordog had transitioned when she met her partner Atanaz Talos, 30. Talos was still living as a woman but wanted to transition, and has now done so. Ordog considered herself a lesbian at the time and says she had to consider how she felt about that. “I have come to a conclusion that it’s not his gender I am loving, and I can love him as a man.”

Anna Hídvégi, 28, took a long time to accept that she was transgender after she was called names as a child. “Elementary school was terrible for me. I was bullied a lot,” she said. She changed her name when she was 24. “When I first heard about this new law I got very mad for one day, very depressed for the next, but on the third, I thought, let’s do something about it. As an activist I am trying to talk as much about it as possible. They can try to change back my gender, but I will not cooperate with them in any way. I will go to jail if needed.”

The Hungarian government defended the law, telling CNN in an emailed statement that it “does not affect men’s and women’s right to freely experience and exercise their identities as they wish.”

“In no way does the relevant section of the bill that some people criticize prevent any person from exercising their fundamental rights arising from their human dignity or from living according their identity,” the statement continued.

Since coming to power in 2010, Orbán has been chipping away at LGBTQ rights in Hungary.

Hungary recognizes legal unions for same-sex couples, but the ruling Fidesz party, which has become increasingly populist under Orbán, opposes the legalization of same-sex marriage. There have also been proposals in recent years to strip away rights from same-sex couples, warns Dombas, although these were not passed by the parliament.

In 2018, Orbán angered universities by banning gender studies programs and government lawmakers attacked Coca-Cola for running ads that included images of same-sex couples kissing. One government lawmaker called for a ban on the Budapest Pride Parade and the Speaker of the National Assembly called gay men and lesbians second-class citizens, and likened same-sex adoption to pedophilia.

Eszter Berencsi, 29, believes it is ”unethical” that the government brought in this law during the coronavirus crisis “as anybody against it doesn’t have the democratic right to oppose that — you cannot demonstrate against it, you cannot organize in person against it, because of the restrictions.” Berencsi says she knew since kindergarten “that something was not all right with me” but buried the feelings. At around 9 years old, she realized that she didn’t “have to live in this body forever” and found it “comforting” during puberty to know she could change later. In 2016, she began her transition. “I don’t receive anything negative in my everyday life, although they say I am quite ‘passing,’ meaning you wouldn’t say I have not been born as a woman,” she says.

A 2019 poll by Median research group cited by the International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Association (ILGA) found that 70% of Hungarians believed that trans people should have access to legal gender recognition.

Katrin Hugendubel, advocacy director for ILGA-Europe, said in a statement that legal gender recognition was “the bedrock of access to equality and non-discrimination for trans and intersex people,” and without it, they would be “subject to immense stigma, discrimination, harassment, and violence” when performing simple tasks such as visiting the doctor or applying for a cellphone.

Rights groups including Háttér Society are now requesting the law be sent for review to the Constitutional Court, the principal organization protecting the Hungarian democratic state, which decides on the constitutionality of acts of parliament.

“In this case, this would be such a direct conflict with the government, and we are a bit afraid that they might not be brave enough to do that,” said Dombos.

Erik Erdős, 23, is a trans activist who spent years accepting who he was but now cannot legally change gender. “I am afraid to file my papers. I wouldn’t know in how many years they would be evaluated. There is such an uncertainty. I am afraid to get denied. It was a very long journey for me to realize I am transgender. I was around 20, and I had four suicide attempts before that. When I admitted to myself I am transgender, that was a huge relief for me. Finally I have realized what was the ‘problem’ with me all along.” When gender recognition was suspended in Hungary in 2016, he says, “I felt hopeless. I was alone then.”

Adam Csikós, 23, received his documents two years ago but says he has always dreaded that a law would take away his happiness. He says that in middle school, he tried to fit in as a girl but still cut his hair short because that reflected who he was. He felt that how he experienced things internally differed from what people around him expected from him. “I never had illusions that I can live happily ever after in peace. I have expected that after years, because of some law, my past will return. The many bad feelings will return because legally I couldn’t use the name and gender I lived my everyday life with,” he says.

Háttér says it has been approached by thousands of transgender people seeking legal support, and plans to help some to challenge the law in the country’s lower courts. Meanwhile, 23 applicants have taken their case to the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) with the help of Transvanilla Transgender Association. But the court process could take years, according to Dombos.

Photographer Stiller says Hungary’s new law looks like a plan to create “misery” for people who are often already dealing with self-doubt over their identity.

“This is really an effort for them to realize, actually, that’s how they should be, how they should live their life,” he said. “I think it’s really hard, and it should be respected.”

He hopes his photographs will make people in Hungary and around the world think more about transgender people and be “more sympathetic to their struggles, to their feelings, to how they want to live their life.”

As the world battles huge challenges, including a deadly virus, the simple wish to choose a legal identity now seems increasingly out of reach for Hungary’s transgender people.

Zsanett Séra, 28, began trying to change gender in August 2018 and recently had it certified after several lawsuits and back-and-forth processes through the system. “Even though I have received this change, I am afraid that this new law will withdraw this,” says Séra. “I find it outrageous that I fought for this name change for one-and-a-half years … and with just a stroke of a pen they take it back.” She believes only a small percentage of society sees trans people in a negative light. “This minority is very loud on the internet and very quiet in reality,” she says.

Akos Stiller is a photographer based in Budapest, Hungary. He is represented by Redux Pictures. Follow him on Facebook and Instagram.

Photo editors: Brett Roegiers and Sarah Tilotta

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