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iaintyourbro · 4 years

Note

What’s your take on Cloud’s depression during AC? People on twitter are suddenly talking about this, again. This matter was brought up by those antis saying that we Clotis should accept the fact that Tifa wasn’t the one who “healed” Cloud and that she was also being mean and not considerate whatsoever. The funny thing is that, they also accused us of denying his depression and not understanding it. TF. Let’s be real, Tifa played a major part, in fact she gave him morale thx to her “scolding” lol

Hey anon..

Yeah, Twitter has me depressed today. I think it started last night. I was enjoying it for a bit, but the last week or two have been so bad over there with bullshit that I’m about to just take a break from the entire fandom.

My Take on AC Cloud:

I watched AC when it first came out, and I barely remember it. I remember I didn’t like what they did. Why was Cloud so depressed and brooding? Oh Aerith is in this? Interesting. I felt like it was disjointed and removed a lot of the great progress Cloud made in OG. They kept this depressed, brooding guy in KH as well... It just didn’t seem right to me. I was young, too.

At this point we also didn’t have On the Way to a Smile, Crisis Core, or anything else, really.. None of the Ultimanias were in English at this point. I also was not interested enough in going online. It was a weird time when I was playing other things and was meh on FF7 for a while. I was always a FF8 fangirl, so was jealous of FF7 at times hahaha. It got so much more attention and love.

It took me a long time to watch it again. I remember my husband watching it before Remake came out and I felt mad or sad. It was like an emotion from memory, and I didn’t know why. I can’t describe it. I saw it on the TV and was like why is this on here...

After playing Remake, I bit the bullet and ordered AC Complete, which had things tweaked and added. I also am now in my 30′s and have a lot more life experience.

Antis like to say Cloud is depressed solely because Aerith is dead and he wants to be with her. This may be one of the reasons I didn’t like AC, because when I did happen to come across some FF7 thing online, I’d see this shit and be like whatever, that makes no sense.

I enjoyed ACC. My heart was actually pounding and I was nervous/intrigued by what was going on even though I knew the story. I haven’t read all of CoT yet, but I’ve seen the excerpts online, so I know the general gist of things.

Based strictly on ACC:

Cloud is really upset that Denzel is sick. He’s obsessively looking up medical stuff to figure out how to cure it - this is shown with everything all over his desk. He’s closed in on himself to do this. I did the same shit when my dad had cancer. I did it for three fucking years while he was alive - from the time he got diagnosed to the day he was dying. Every damn day I looked up articles, research, and theories. It’s not healthy. It’s depressing and I closed myself off from the world half the time and didn’t realize it. Thank God my husband is a patient saint.

Cloud does care a lot about Tifa. His reaction alone at seeing her knocked out in the church is heart wrenching. When they’re brought back to Seventh Heaven, Cloud pops right up when he sees Tifa there. He then stays with her until she wakes up. This is a pretty good amount of time. The sun is up when he’s looking over her, and when she wakes up, it’s dark outside. He could have slipped out again without her noticing if he really wanted to. I’m sure he may have contemplated it.

She calls his ass out on how he’s acting. She knows he’s sick at this point. This was huge for Tifa who’s not confrontational. He clearly doesn’t want to completely disconnect, or he would have gotten rid of his cell phone voluntarily. He doesn’t. They actually show him checking his messages.

Ultimately Cloud leaves because he ends up with Geostigma. That’s the last straw. He can’t face the fact that he’s going to die and what it’ll do to his family, so he leaves. Listen, I think the only reason my dad didn’t try to leave when he was diagnosed was because he had nowhere to go and by time he started verbalizing wanting to leave, he was physically unable to. Yes, I remember him being angry because he was hospitalized again and he told my mom he was going to get an apartment by himself so she didn’t know when he was getting bad. It’s very hurtful to even think it, and even worse when you know they don’t actually mean it... They do it because they don’t want to see their family hurt.

The setup he has at the church as his “living” area is super depressing. It looks like something a homeless person sets up. He legit was going to wait to die. He had a lot of knowledge about this, so he figured there was nothing he could do.

Marlene calls Cloud out on his bullshit too. Cloud admits to her he doesn’t think he can take care of anybody. Marlene Barrret quotes him and it’s cute. I think Cloud appreciated it and I think it made him think.

In ACC, Cloud has a short conversation with Aerith. Aerith seems almost annoyed with him like “wtf is your deal, dude” kind of attitude. Zack shows up when he’s bloody and half dead fighting Sephiroth to encourage him. There are scenes with him talking at Zack’s grave and saying he couldn’t keep his promise to him. He flat out tells Aerith he wants to be forgiven. He doesn’t say I miss you, I want to be with you, none of that happens. In fact, it’s mainly her telling him HE needs to start doing some forgiving - ultimately to himself.

When Cloud is in limbo - between living and dying - Cloud says “Mom.” Very romantic, I know. Then Zack and Aerith have a conversation very similar to a couple that’s going to adopt a child and they tell Cloud he’s too big for them. This is the “I see the light” and the person on the other side is like “nah bro go back, not your time yet.”

He wakes up, Tifa and crew is there, he smiles at Tifa... and it’s a happy ending. He sees both Zack AND Aerith at the end, and they walk off in to the light together all cute and shit.

Adding in Things from the Novels/Interviews/Thoughts:

The devs have said Cloud was happy with his family and that scared him. The happier he got, the more scared he got. We know he cherishes everything. He especially cherishes the family he has.

Cloud’s depression spiral started from the high anxiety of having a happy life and Elmyra asking him to deliver flowers to Aerith’s grave. Now, I have my feelings about this, but when I look at it logically, I don’t think Elmyra ultimately does this out of spite. I actually don’t think Elmyra thinks Cloud and Aerith were a thing - so it wasn’t that either. I think she knew Cloud was friends with her and maybe he’d want to deliver some flowers - to give him some business.

This flower delivery reminds Cloud of what he thinks is his failure to protect somebody else. At this point he has his memories of what happened to Nibelheim, his mother, Tifa, and Zack. The Sector 7 plate drop and Aerith are the most recent “failures”. So this brings up Aerith.

Then Denzel comes along and he’s an orphan because his parents were... yeah... killed during the Sector 7 plate collapse. Double ouch. But Cloud and Tifa are going to take care of him.

Tifa herself has a lot of guilt because of the same reasons, she just deals with it very differently. Tifa tells Cloud to bring Denzel right home. She can make amends by adopting him in to her family and caring for him. Cloud thinks Aerith brought Denzel to him (Tifa corrects him). This is a Cloud thing, it’s not romantic. Cloud doesn’t know the guilt Tifa feels. He legit thinks all of this is his fault. Tifa’s guilt stems from the fact that Shinra drops the plate because Avalanche was in Sector 7 - she was in Avalanche. She feels guilty about Aerith because she thinks its her fault Aerith followed them to Don Corneo’s mansion. The thing is, Aerith doesn’t blame EITHER of them - I just wish they’d cover a Tifa/Aerith conversation about this as well...

Cloud and Tifa do have fights in the novels from what I understand, but it’s because he’s acting weird. He feels bad hiding the fact that he’s been going to the church a lot, and I think that does turn in to a whole LTD debate. So you can take this as Tifa is jealous that he’s going to the church all the time or she’s upset that he is hiding from her.

In the novels, Tifa has a breakdown when they go see the church after they defeat Sephiroth. This is where you get to see how badly Aerith’s death impacted her. So my thought is... Cloud thinks bringing her to the church hurts her because of her feelings, not because she’s jealous. I think Cloud is oblivious to the jealousy thing, honestly. Don’t think it’s a thought in his mind.

I honestly don’t know the real reason why he goes to the church to hide. I think this is another point of fight with both sides. My personal take is there was nowhere else he could go and be alone. Most of the stuff had been destroyed. It was still close by, so he could still do his work and keep an eye on things/be nearby.

There is a quote that is taken to be literal, but I think it’s just a way to say it wouldn’t have mattered who Cloud was “with.” Yes, Tifa and Cloud have issues, and I believe the quote goes “Perhaps it would have gone better with Aerith, but I think her responsibility is too great. Maybe the children will help them with their issues.” This isn’t exact, but it’s the jist of what they said. The children do help them - that’s the point of the scenes with Marlene, to slap him silly with reality.

“Oh but he sees Aerith when the building is falling.” Yes, you know why? Because he thinks that’s going to happen to Tifa. This is a “NO I’M NOT LETTING THIS HAPPEN.” moment. On top of it, I don’t think anybody would be right again if they saw this happen. If my neighbor was impaled by a large sword in their back, I’d be messed up from it. I don’t really know my neighbors. He’s not replaying this death scene in his head cuz he misses Aerith, he’s playing it in his head because it’s traumatic and he doesn't want to see this happen to Tifa. Especially Tifa.

It’s been put in Ultimanias time and time again that Cloud’s feelings are for Tifa. I went through my Ultimania - which only covers OG - and it doesn’t say anything about Cloud’s side of the CA argument. It does say how he feels about Tifa in the Lifestream, though.

The “He wants to die for her, see, that’s why he’s going to the church and waiting.” No, he doesn’t want to die or else he wouldn’t be so depressed. Just thinking this is fucked up on so many levels. If he really wanted to die and be with her, he’d be happy he got an incurable illness, I’d think... Cloud leaves Tifa and them because he doesn’t want to hurt him with him dying and not being able to stop it.

The other thing that would be... weird... Zack is in the Lifestream with Aerith. They walk off together for a reason. I don’t think she’s going to just drop Zack for Cloud since the whole reason she was initially interested in Cloud was because of the similarities to Zack. He had the same sword, the same clothes, and in OG had some of the same mannerisms. I noticed the dropped the squatting in Remake - the random squatting.

The ending of ACC implies that now that Geostigma is cured and Sephiroth is (hopefully) gone for good, Cloud can be happy. I’m not saying that his smile fixes everything. I’m sure that him and Tifa had to work on things, but you can see in DoC that things seem to be much better - he’s more upbeat and happy. He’s more dorky, like he should be.

Sorry this is long. I have a lot of feelings about all this stuff today. I’ve been seeing the fights over on Twitter about it and.. yeah. Cloud is depressed because of the fact he’s dying, his kid is dying, and he can’t seem to do anything right in his mind.

Thanks for the ask.

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eli-corvis · 4 years

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The Devil Amongst the Dead

Summary: It has been some time since the Kengan Annihilation Tournament and while many believed Ohma Tokita [The Asura] to be dead he is in fact still alive. Hidden in the Kure Village and recovering from his heart transplant performed by none other than Hanafusa Hajime [The Dissector] himself. But this story is not about him. No it’s about the Kure Clan’s strongest but most out of control member. Kure Raian [The Devil] and what would be his usual assassination contract takes an unexpected turn when he is sent to an island city with just as much crime and corruption as The Inside. This city is called Roanapur. Known to many who live there as the city of the dead.

Prologue: The Devil Approaches

[Six Months After the Kengan Annihilation Tournament]

Black sclera eyes slowly open up to see a clear blue sky. The scent of sea salt from the ocean is heavy as the sounds of seagulls can be heard overhead. “Hm, must be here already” thought the young man as he sat up from where he was laying down from. Rubbing his black sclera eyes and taking in his surroundings to still be on top of a shipping container on board a cargo ship he stowed away on. He looked around to see he was close to his destination and from a distance he saw a large headless Buddha statue carved in a tall rock and beyond that further away is a city resting on an island.

“Heh, so this is where the bastard is hiding” he scoffed to himself “about time I got here, I was getting tired of hiding on this piece of shit like a fuckn rat ” he said as he stood up to get a better view as the cargo ship approaching the island. The man on board this cargo is none other the Kure Raian. A member of the infamous Kure Clan that has been around for 1,300 year. Looking back on the events that led up to this Raian started to wonder “why did the old man pick me for this shit?. Normally I could’ve been sent off to wipe out a crime syndicate, a terrorists cell, or even some elitist asshole with enough money to hire a private army. At least those got my blood pumping.” Irritated that he could’ve been on a job that usually left a trail of body has Raian pissed off at the fact he allowed the old man tricked him into taking this contract in the first place.

[48 hours ago in the Kure Village Around a particular city, 500 kilometers away from Tokyo]

Kure Erioh the Patriarch of the Kure Clan was given an unusual commission for a contract by an anonymous client, to a place he hasn’t been to in years, Roanapur. An old Thai port in southern Thailand, where the deserters and the losers of the Vietnam War took refuge and were joined by the worst villains and criminals of the planet. Prostitutes, drug-addicts, mercenaries, killers, and psychopaths of any nationalities compose the population of Roanapur.

Erioh’s knowledge of this crime infested cesspool is limited due to only have gone there during his time as The Fang. Any useful information is hard to come by without a inside source. But luckily for him he has just the right man for the job. Having his great-grandson summoned to the main room of the Traditional Japanese house, Raian walked in and approached the head of the Clan “What do ya want grandfather?” Raian said clearly annoyed at being called upon, Erioh didn’t seem to care of his grandson's annoyance. “I got a job for you Raian, something to get you more active since The Tournament” Raian arched an eyebrow at this “well I’m not interested in whatever bullshit you got for me, get one of The Three Stooges to run your damn errands.” Raian referring to Kure Hollis, Kure Reiichi, and Kure Horio. “Their each fulfilling their own obligations at the moment. And I’m sure that this contract will not bore the likes of you, if i was to send you, their is nobody more suited for this contract, or must i send someone else take this contract.” He said while stroking his chin in thought. “Perhaps this might be that too much for you to handle you spoiled brat.”

Erioh said mockingly while giving Raian a challenging smirk. Raian returns the smirk with a murderous grin of his own. “Better watch it old man or I might just kill you right here and now” he said as he took a step closer to his elder. “You can try boy, but as I stated before, I’m not going to let some snot-nose brat kill me just yet. Besides I think you’ll find that this worthwhile if you were to listen for once, I can be sure of that.”

Erioh calmly said as he stood up from where he was sitting and headed towards the door, Raian adamantly followed right behind him. “Ever since your fight against Tokita Ohma and Hayami Katsumasa's Guardians back on Ganryu Island you have not been active in these past six months.” Erioh gave Raian a glance over his shoulder as they walk down the long halls of the Traditional Japanese house. “Yeah so what, still haven’t give me a damn good reason why I should take this job in the first place.” Raian angrily said “Patience Raian, patience. First you’ll need to be informed on your target” arriving at the back door of the house Erioh opened the door to reveal Kure Fusui.

Raian’s younger sister and the liaison between the Kure Clan and the Kengan Association, she turned around to greet her grandfather “Hello grandfather, how are you doing?” she said to while walking up to and embracing him in a hug. “Oh I’m doing just fine don’t worry about this old man, tell me how have you been my dear?” Erioh said being the doting grandfather he is known for amongst the the Kure Clan. Fusui smiled and perked up “I’m doing great grandfather, and before you ask Karla is doing good as well both in school and at home, and Mr. Yamashita though still broken up about Ohma, he’s done quite well from himself these past few months. Speaking of Ohma, how is he doing?” She asked curiously. “Oh don’t you worry my dear Fusui, Tokita Ohma is doing just fine and with the help of our secret healing techniques, he will recover in no time.”

“I’m glad to hear that” she said with a smile. “So what are you and big bro up to?” she asked just noticing that her older brother was standing there with his arms crossed. “Remember that special task i asked of you before you left?” He asked. Fusui perked up “That Roanapur job right?.” Erioh nodded “Well from what I could gather I’ve confirmed the target has been spotted there but it seems like he’s hired one of the local gangs as hired muscle, so getting to him quickly won’t be so easy, and even if you manage to take care of both of them the other gangs will most likely jump in, which will make things more complicated” she stated “Well that won’t be much of an issue, because your brother will be taking the contract, won’t you Raian” Erioh said in a taunting manner.

“You sure about that grandfather, I mean I have no doubt big bro can deal with this no problem but-” Fusui was then interrupted by her brother “Hey now the old man has been very persistent about this shit, so tell me who’s the fucker that the old bastard is sending me kill and I might just consider it.” Raian said eagerly “Oh, umm alright then.” She then pulls out a laptop from inside her bag and passes it to Raian.

Raian takes the laptop, opening it up to see the screen presented to him.

[Contract Briefing]

•Target name: Dr. Alton Blonsky

•Age: 59

• Occupation: Bioengineer/Geneticist

• Adjective: Eliminate Dr. Blonsky and destroy any and all research found and eliminate any and all who would stand between your adjective.

• Last Confirmed Location: Roanapur, Thailand

• Target Price: $50,000,000

• Target information: Dr.Blonsky is a Bioengineer and Geneticist and researcher for genetics he has went into hiding after it was discovered you was selling his unethical research on the black market for the highest bidder. Years after his disappearance sources have spotted him active in the city of Roanapur. He is seemingly under the employment/protection of the local criminal organization.

• Payment Method: Upon accepting this contract the first half of the payment will be sent through wireless transaction method of your choice. And receive other half of payment upon completion.

[End of Briefing]

□Accept □Decline

Raian closed the laptop and handed it back to Fusui. “So some mad scientist is selling trying the secret of immorality or some shit right?” Taking the laptop back and placing it back inside her bag Fusui shook her head and said “I don’t know the details on what he was working on or who’s he trying to sell his research too, all I know is that some very big players are going to be interested in buying whatever he has cooking up, so whatever he’s making it must be a really big deal.” Erioh then stepped into the conversation. “So, Raian tell me do you accept?”

[48 hours later on the Ports of Roanapur]

As the crew of the cargo ship started to unload their shipments and do an inventory check Raian snuck pass all of the of the crew without them even noticing he was there. Now heading to the main street through the docks he pulls a piece of paper Fusui has given him before taking off with all contact information he will be needing during his time here. “Don’t plan on being here long but this shit will come in handy when I need it.” He said to himself as he reads off the address for his safe house with a side note at the below saying.

“While you’re there can you do me a huge solid and pick up a modified sniper rifle I ordered there, it should’ve been sent out days ago but since you’re there you can do it for me please, appreciate it bro.

-Love your favorite sister Fusui.♥︎”

Raian could only scoff while reading the note his sister left him. “The hell does she think I am, her errand boy” reading the address the only thing it said was The Church of Violence “I don’t got time for this shit” he said as he balled up the piece of paper and placed it back inside his pocket before walking off towards the direction of his safe house.

The city of Roanapur is known for many things, one of which is being the world capital for crime and corruption, for criminals and madmen to thrive. But now The Devil has arrived, beware for the man know as The Devil has come, and he will destroys any and all that stands in his way.

Author's Note: Hey ya’ll, if you haven’t figured it out yet this is a Kengan Ashura x Black Lagoon crossover the idea kinda popped in head one day and I was like “how am I going to make this work” so days of brainstorming later I’ve my story layout but the question was who am I going to send from kengan to the den of criminals, and obviously my first choice was Raian but the i thought about it some more and thought about having Agito Kanoh, Hatsumi Sen, Muteba Gizenga, Kiryu Setsuna, hell even Tokita Niko came to mind. The setting of black lagoon takes place in the early 1990s so it make a lot more sense for Niko to be there timeline wise but after talking about it with another writer here I stuck with Kure Raian, now this is my first fanfiction, like every but that will be no excuse for my writing to be shit, like spelling mistakes or grammar errors or major OFC. I’ll do my best to stay faithful to each character. And since I’ve picked Raian for this story, I’ll be making some small changes to the black lagoon universe to fit with the world of Kengan. If you haven't noticed I implied that Kure Erioh has been to Roanapur in the past, who know I might just make a side story exploring that plot point...maybe. Ok that’s enough of me ranting for now, until next time.

#kengan ashura #black lagoon #fanfiction #crossover #kure raian #kure erioh #kure fusui #anime #manga

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thatdamnokie · 4 years

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so, as everybody knows, our man, the lovely mark strong, turned 57 this past august 5th

since the kingsman films have had a huge influence on several aspects of my day-to-day life (gee, wonder what group of people i could be referring to...), i decided to sit down and do something i’ve been thinking about since getting my medical card earlier this year: getting high as a kite and watching them back-to-back.

to celebrate mark’s birthday, i decided to do another running commentary post like the one i did for rocknrolla ages ago, under the cut. it’s a pretty similar style, which is to say not necessarily super coherent and might be hard to understand if you’ve never seen the movies. D:

there are some mentions of the roanoke society, but not many.

if even just one person finds this mildly entertaining for four seconds, then i’ll have done my job. there is a lot of cursing and this is NOT spoiler-free.

enjoy~

edited 9.1.20 to correct typos and such, please remember that i was Not Sober while i wrote this lmao

how many times have i watched these movies at this point? i don’t even know.

i always liked the nifty like—retro arcade marv opening animation

and the thing with the tapes! we love book-ending devices!

kingsman: badass motherfuckers worldwide incorporated

like why was merlin even with them? i understand why lee and james would be there, but merlin, was he not acting quartermaster then?

i have SO MANY FEELINGS about lee unwin

i think it haunts harry and merlin more than anyone thinks, but these are fun spy movies so we just don’t talk about trauma and shit, don’tcha know

don’t look at how merlin tears up and tell me he doesn’t drink about it *HEAVILY* later

it’s such a stark contrast to see the 1990s interior vs. what it’s like when eggsy’s grown :(

michelle baby i’m so sorry. you deserved better than this.

and BABY EGGSY

omg. like this scene is both heartbreaking but is also adorable.

colin firth has gd anime legs, that dude had to straight up unfold himself as he stood up lmao

aaannnnd swooping logo, whooooo, goin’ over some mountains~

and mark hamill, ladies and gentlemen!

this whole thing with james deciding to kinda go rogue makes me wish that we knew more about his backstory as well. like, is this james being james, or was this a weird one-off situation and he was just unlucky?

YES unlucky. nobody could plan for the hurricane of sleek destruction that is gazelle

who has one of my favorite aesthetic designs as a villain (although i guess i’d put her more on maybe henchman level? but idk, it seems like valentine looked at her more as a partner, less like an assistant? and they had a very interesting chemistry together too, like i would’ve added more valentine x gazelle scenes)

i would LOVE to be this chill about just—draping blankies over bodies

blankies over bodies sounds like a cool band name

DIBS you guys can’t have it

i am SO GLAD samuel l. jackson gave valentine a lisp!

valentine, to me, does fit a lot of the usual spy movie villain tropes

but since this movie doesn’t take itself super serious, it’s more fun than annoying

and we never hear about any of the other knights?? like

half of this is just gonna be me whining for additional footage that there just wouldn’t have been room for realistically lmao

michael caine, you are lovely

MARK STRONG, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN

WITH LEGS THAT DON’T QUIT AND AN ACCENT THAT I’D DIE FOR

i’m an embarrassment

like let’s all stop and thank god that mark didn’t have time to learn the welsh accent

not that i would’ve been disappointed, because all accents are good accents on this blog

but at this point i can’t imagine merlin as—not scottish

“try picking a more suitable candidate this time”

arthur you DICK

like were you this cold-blooded when lee died, you fuckin’ reptilian-ass son of a bitch

no wonder you were charlie’s pledge person thing

and enter the fabulous taron egerton, stage left!

DEAN you are DISGUSTING

god, michelle, you need better friends, if you were my bro this entire relationship would’ve never happened

;-; and eggsy’s so sweet with his sister! i know there probably wasn’t “room” for it but i AM glad that there are scenes showing that family is one of eggsy’s kinda “core values”or whatever you want to call it

dude is a hufflepuff through and through imo

can you imagine eggsy as a villain? we would be so fucked. he’s sly, he’s smart, he could’ve made life v e r y difficult for lots of people if he really wanted to

but look at him with the squad!

eggsy’s just like the british version of a good ol’ boy

this car scene is some dukes of hazzard bullshit (ramp-jumping and fun car horn aside)

if butterflies are harry’s main symbolic critter, would foxes be eggsy’s? or would it be a pug instead? i guess that’s like asking if harry would be either a butterfly or a cairn terrier, like mr. pickle. let’s say both.

this fandom is pretty on top of character associations like that

you get symbolic associations! YOU get symbolic associations! EVERYONE gets symbolic associations whether they’re actually in the canon or not! don’t have any? don’t worry, we’ll assign you at least one!

the guy playing the interviewing officer is ALSO the patriarch in the witch which i didn’t realize until—like, a while after

and it was while @circlesofbone was visiting, and we were just “oh, okay, guess we can’t escape this cast at all, this is fine”

“your father saved my life.”

harry you’re such a fucking peacock, waiting all posted up and posing so you’ll look cool

you big doofus

i’d kill to be inside his head during this first conversation with eggsy though

like is eggsy like lee? is harry seeing lee the entire time he’s talking to his son, in his mannerisms, how he carries himself, how he speaks?

or is eggsy the opposite? which—i don’t know if that would somehow be sadder?

there’s just a lot going on in the background of this bit that’s left up to interpretation

“although i’m sure it’s well-founded—“

harry’s just so casual about this entire thing, nobody’s that casual without practice

harry you rabble-rouser, what kind of life have you led

“manners. maketh. man.”

our timeless motto, my flowers

kingsman STILL to this DAY has some of the most well-choreographed fight scenes i’ve ever seen??

like yeah the church scene but even just this initial bar fight

harry could’ve been a dancer

in a way i guess he already is

like he moves so fluidly and gracefully, it is BONKERS

colin you did so good! i’m so proud!

the way eggsy’s just O.O

whether or not you ship hartwin, like, you gotta admit, that was hot

and his BODY LANGUAGE, he’s sitting like RAMROD straight, this poor dude lmao

nobody prepares you for a situation like that in public school is all i’m saying

harry, exiting stage left like a suave, smooth motherfucker

remember when iggy azalea was relevant

ugghhhh i hate this part

“I WASN’T WITH NO ONE”

can you imagine being harry hart listening to your dead friend’s son getting the shit beat out of him

like, surely he heard the cleaver, he knows dean was going to fucking gut eggsy right?

listen to how cold and icy his voice gets, oof

yeah, he’s pissed, and dean is lucky

PARKOUR

ugh, i want to go to london ;-; i want to walk in front of the shop and visit harry’s house and kiss cute english boys

i’d like to think harry’s super excited to show eggsy everything but he’s gotta keep it dialed back because “decorum”

the way eggsy pauses though

“come on.”

and he says it so softly.

if i was eggsy, i’d be nervous, too.

but i didn’t realize how quickly harry tries to give off signals like “hey there’s no reason to be scared.”

“like my fair lady?” “well, you’re full of surprises.” <3 one of my favorite sceneeesss.

harry’s voice is so soothing but eggsy is so freaked out by the elevator that he’s just—there’s no room for anything else beyond processing the elevator lmao

“how deep does this fucking thing go?” asking the real questions

aannnddd KINGSMAN BULLET TRAIN

i’d like to think they have like soft jazz or something playing in there

and then they get to the hangar and there are obviously a buuuuunch of people out on the tarmac that we just—never hear about? i just assume they’re all like technical officers or maybe other agents

“your father had the same look on his face. … as did i.”

harry is already rooting for him.

“late again, sir.”

that. brogue.

fuck, i could listen to him talk for hours, scottish accents are my favorite thing

#squadgoals

not a very diverse cast :/

the body bag speeeeech

and of course nobody was in any actual danger, but merlin doesn’t want them to know that so he becomes mr. hard as steel, i am emotionally stoic at all times, do not test me you bunch of rugrats

“classic army technique.”

ROXY

ROXY I WANT TO JUST HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS TT.TT

aannnnddd charlie, also

who we might’ve found sympathy for if we knew aaannyytthiinnggg else about his backstory

like, could he just be Like That, yeah

but most people i know who are assholes like that are that way because their parents were first /shrug/

can hardly fault the dude for turning out like that when poison was all he was given to drink

anyone else a hundred percent positive they would’ve drowned in the first trial

i would absolutely have panicked and bit it

but then again, i’m not kingsman material, i’m roanoke

and if this is the exact same test that merlin and harry went through, does that mean there might be some weird drowning trauma hidden back in there that’s just ANOTHER thing we’re not gonna talk about?

(yes the correct answer is yes)

god that’s such an american response to the problem though

glass can’t cause problems if it’s in a million pieces!

“yeah you can wipe those smirks off your faces…”

i wonder if there was ever a situation where a trainee actually drowned

and i don’t mean like amelia, i mean some poor kid who just failed the test

merlin knows how to put the fear of god in people though!

and mark strong, very handsome, yes, very scary, also yes

he and colin both look like they’re 80 percent leg in every single scene

harry literally had brain matter smatter ALL OVER HIS FACE and still somehow had the mental facilities to be aware of those dudes, leave a bomb and dive out of a window (and then escape said dudes)

billy badass, y’all

“just get it done.” okay, i took back what i said earlier, maybe he does see her as more of an assistant, less than a partner. their relationship is weird.

the puppy scene!

“it’s a bulldog innit?”

YASSSS the golden trio

because of what happened with our other canon charlie has become a weird character for me to watch, like, yeah, i “watch” charlie be himself in tss but the charlie i “see” is like—”our” charlie.

“bollocks!” and then he just runs with jb in his vest, makes me smile

aannddd we see valentine’s super cool factory

harry your hair gets so long <3

“water!” wow, who wants to bet that the fact he was instantly screaming means that maybe he’s gonna have some stuff to talk about in therapy later

roxy baby i’m sorry they made you hold the balloon and have to trust these dumbasses to not shoot you on accident

i would trust roxy to not shoot me

i love, love love valentine’s house

it’s gorgeous

set design is always such a cool way for filmmakers to include details about a character using pure aesthetics and i’m such a slut for it

tilde!

see also: one of the characters done the WORST by these movies imo!

the fact that she not only says no, she says no with enthusiasm and gets blatantly pissed, is one of the best insights we get into tilde’s character and then it just—gets wasted

like it takes three steps and then gets mowed down in the hallway like her guards

i would never be given the opportunity to be asked if i wanted an implant but i draw the line at having stuff put into my neck

awwww harry’s so proud!

that finger point “yeah, see, be more like your uncle”

merlin is SO TALL

“a bit much innit?”

he’s just—tapping a normal clipboard

… nobody wanna talk about how that’s a normal clipboard

anyway

i also love how they show him in professor sweaters for the beginning acts of the movie

definitely a softer aesthetic than one would guess for a dude who apparently did field missions sometime within the past decade or so, but i also have a theory that lee’s death directly contributed to merlin maybe being the man behind the screen as opposed to afield

because trauma is a thing but this is a FUN movie so we’re NOT gonna talk about it

“you’re gonna be all right. you’re top of the class!” this was the scene that made my mom a reggsy shipper

regardless of how you feel about them as a couple, their friendship is one of the best things about this movie, along with their dynamic with charlie, asjdnaskdjna WHY could we not have had a trio movie instead

eggsy you show-off “lemme just throw my arms up and dip outta this plane like it’s not a big deal”

roxy you can do it!

ugh, there goes my baby, off to have a near-death experience under merlin’s immediate supervision lmao

“good girl, rox, glad you made it!”

guys, they’re just kids.

i love this big group scene because it reminds us that these are just young folks, still

“my, my, you’re all very cheerful...”

“rufus, come on!” dude eggsy—and not even just eggsy, charlie and rox too--at least made an attempt at teamwork. you get points for that bro

but man, for all they know, they’re about to beef it in a very permanent way, i’d be freaking out too

merlin getting caught up in the drama

because again, he’s supposed to know that eggsy has a parachute

i think he wasn’t prepared for these two to get that close to not making it and that’s why we see him break face and drop his mug

*WHAM*

i HATE the sound of them landing

it’s not like you can hear bones breaking but it hurts me, guys

and then there were three

plus one daddy long legs quartermaster

“if you have a complaint you come here and you whisper it in my ear.”

yes SIR

“you need to take that chip off your shoulder.”

merlin coming’ in with the tough love portion of the kingsman core squad

there’s no reason for me to think harry’s persona was inspired by cruella de ville somehow but i do anyway

she reveals the mcdonald’s and valentine is just :D

idk if he was expecting a specific reaction or was just excited to see a reaction period

valentine is definitely a fun villain, which, given the tone of the movie, makes sense, it’s all supposed to be fun

one of the reasons i love kingsman is that it’s like, this golden ray of goofy cinematic fuckery in a world of grim!dark remakes and other superhero/spy films who are presented as more serious stories

“and thank you for such a—happy, meal.”

harry got a puppy smile

but see, then, here at his house he’s a lot more relaxed with gazelle! like, patting her butt, etc.

maybe what we see of their relationship is dependent on setting, because valentine himself has it compartmentalized?

perrrrrrhaps

“and i am never, EVER GOING TO AGREE!”

tilde, you deserved better, and i think all the weird hate you get from our ohana is unfair

you don’t twist a runner’s ankle before the race starts and then get mad when they don’t win

your story was mishandled from the beginning

asmr: hanging out with the golden trio watching worrying news in the kingsman trainee bunker room

the way he says “biblical sense” lmao

i have never been able to figure out if the way he says that line is supposed to infer spiritual respect, or lack of it, but i might be looking too into it

“it’s an acquired taste, mate.”

what—what would you even do if you were at a club and three people as hot as taron, ed and sophie all came up and start talking to you at the same time

like i know the target got up and left pretty quick because of the training exercise

but i’d be doing it because i’m ugly and if three hot people are all talking me up at a bar something is Bad and Wrong

which—the CAHONES on both eggsy and roxy

they both literally said “yeah i’m willing to die for this organization that hasn’t even given me a permanent place yet, what of it”

look at harry’s dimples in this scene, he is fighting a huge grin, he’s SO PROUD

i know that charlie’s response is supposed to be just more fodder into the “charlie hesketh is a tool” fire

but given that i’m not unconvinced that his home life wasn’t super shitty, like—

idk, this makes this scene a lot less fun to me. it makes it sad.

like, maybe charlie didn’t even want to be there deep down, maybe this was all for like, arthur, or his dad, or some other person he looked up to

and the way merlin looks when he tells charlie to go home, the way that he’s kinda grimacing? i’m wondering if he’s along the same kind of feeling. he’d know more about charlie’s history

have i also mentioned how much i love harry’s war room?

“YES harry!”

an evil plan is being born!

“true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

eggsy is still in his club clothes, so like—has he slept? y’all let those kids sleep after fucking drugging them, right? … guys?

“—when one is popping ones cherry.”

and eggsy is just CHEESING he is SO EXCITED

am i the only one who wants to learn more about the store clerk guy though?

he’s like the one person around who’s legit just there to run the shop

has no idea about any of the spy stuff happening

his name is donald, he’s married with three children and has two spaniels he loves

“THAT is sick.”

i would KILL for this room.

i don’t need anything in here for any reason but still

foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing, more foreshadowing—

harry is such a NERD

“put it back, eggsy.”

the amount of self-control it would take to not have a sudden change in expression in that moment, omg

i wonder how THAT gets trained up in kingsman

“i guarantee it.” ha, get it, it’s a reference to that one commercial

“y’all—talk so funny.”

and this all means that they had a contact at that hat shop and got all that info to them before valentine got there, and somehow made sure he did end up buying a hat that they could also successfully put a bug on, how deep does this goooooo

“jack bauer?”

it says a lot about eggsy that out of all the jb’s it could’ve been, it was jack

uggghhhhhh of course they HAD to do this scene with eggsy with arthur

obviously harry couldn’t do it

i just think most of us would NOT be fans of arthur at this point in the movie, we’re all rooting for eggsy, like, he needs this moment with this other character because we gotta drive home that he’s an asshole

also—would have absolutely failed that test

and i’m not sorry at all

“welcome to kingsman--lancelot.”

i was really happy that it was a female agent who ended up getting the handle

aannddd more echoes of past scenes, man, nobody can say that this crew wasn’t intentional with their cinematography

when eggsy rolls the window down you can see his chest moving up and down, like, he is MAD

dean you asshole

so no wonder he gets so pissed that the car suddenly decides “nope, no, we’re not doing this, c’mon”

this entire conversation at harry’s house is—tense

and you don’t pick up on it the first time, i don’t think, but uh

i’m seeing it now

harry’s not just mad, he’s hurt, and eggsy’s furious but he’s also maybe regretting his actions.

it’s these two men who are rapidly trying to figure out their headspaces and trying to figure out how to navigate this situation with each other

and the way eggsy tries to apologize ;-;

kentucky is a beautiful state, actually

ohhhhhh y’alllll

we’re at the churrrccchhhh

we’re gettin’ closer to the coolest part of the movieeeee

it’s telling that gazelle was trying to make sure that they’d be safe

“… so hail satan, and have a lovely afternoon madame.”

the most metal lines colin firth has ever uttered on camera

the siren noise after it’s switched on bothers me in a way i can’t quite articulate

it might be because i have silent hill-colored trauma, who knows

FREEEEEE

BIIIRRRDDDDDDD

THE GREATEST ACTION TRACKING SHOT IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA

but then eggsy and merlin are reacting aaaanndddd it’s—a lot less fun

because you realize that they’re watching their bro mercilessly slaughter innocent people and not stopping

and still not stopping

but plot twist, i’m really glad they kept the track going, because if they’d suddenly picked *this* part of the scene to get serious, that would’ve brought the mood down so low that i don’t think there would’ve been any bouncing back

i just

how do people exist who aren’t attracted to harry hart

that man is a machine

and colin worked so hard to be able to do the scene himself, and that work SHOWS, that man cuts a FIGURE

i don’t know how they managed to somber it up just the right amount, either? maybe because they waited for the “fun action sequence” to be over so there wouldn’t need to be noise that had to be masked by a fun rock track?

“… what did you do to me.”

i cannot imagine what harry was feeling in that moment.

the way he spoke it was like he didn’t even have time to be afraid to die

“that tends to happen when you shoot somebody in the head. feels good, right?”

“no, it does not feel good!”

i love that exchange because we normally hear the opposite.

also—whiplash.

mark has this way of expressing grief without showing any—blatant signs.

like merlin’s not especially tearful, or crying, but his eyes look MASSIVE. and SAD. and he has just the tiiiiiniest tremor in his voice.

and eggsy, dude, like, we’ve all had it come on us really quick and suddenly it’s like your chest is pumping like a piston and when did it get so hard to breathe?

ARTHUR you REPULSE me

like look at how egssy’s shoulders sag when he realizes that arthur isn’t on his team

and in a way, this is eggsy’s final test as a kingsman trainee, imo

do you realize how quickly he had to assess what was happening and figure out what to do, all without arthur noticing?

“you are all alone. it is all up to you. remember all you have learned. good luck.”

it’s a very—almost horror-esque situation from that pov

and he passed with flying colors to go on his first true mission, because after he puts on the suit, that’s his visual cue of graduating, if that makes sense

that’s the knight putting on his armor.

“i’d rather be with harry. thanks.”

“so be it.”

*click*

me: *laughing at arthur’s big dumb stupid head*

… man i’d love a replica of that decanter and glasses set though

not to mention that eggsy recognized the flaws in arthur’s character and weaponized them, which is a whole other level of shit that isn’t necessarily easy; he knew that arthur carried the kind of pride that would leave him open

god, he looks so exhausted though when rox has him at gunpoint.

i think he was being pretty serious, about harry

sick helipaaaaaaad

that thing looks vaguely like a rock-‘em sock-‘em robot but in pieces though

more grandpa sweaters <3

man. you can see roxy swallow, you know she’s scared, but then she just sets her jaw and—

roxy baby you are the best i love you

i like the vintage vibe of the mountain lair

i think that’s another visual poke at the aesthetic themes of some of the older, og spy flicks out there

merlin looks SO LANKY walking back to the plane for some reason??

he stays until the last second for roxy. that’s love right there.

“a bespoke suit always fits.”

which can be good spiritual life advice too but that’s a separate conversation

“what the fuck is WRONG with you people?”

and his fuckin’ disco ball

uuggggghhhhh his speech reminds me of so many… “public figures” that i dislike

even though it’s obviously a bad thing that the chips are everywhere, i appreciate that phones and such are being shown in a positive manner (like, michelle talking to someone in the park, people at a ball game taking selfies, people at the beach, etc.) because i get so sick of that anti-tech boomer humor tbh

and the big reveal of eggsy in his suitttt

A KNIGHT IS BORN

“how’s the view?”

“hideous.”

you’re allowed to be crabby baby, you just let it out.

“lookin’ good, eggsy.”

“feelin’ good, merlin.”

merlin is so calm heading into the fortress and i don’t know if it’s because he’s very, very good at compartmentalizing and that’s genuinely how he is at the moment or if he’s that way through extreme self-control and effort

he can rock a pilot’s uniform though

just like eggsy can rock a suit

they’re both so handsome, help

i also wonder how eggsy’s feeling right then

like, i’d imagine that the pressure of having to perform a role to literally save the world would be enough to distract him from the bite of grief

that’s—probably enough to distract everyone, tbh

i a hundred percent believe there are breakdowns we don’t see

i wonder if eggsy told tilde he’d spoken to lindstrum(sp?) after everything was said and done

like, that’d be some kind of weird foreshadowing in hindsight

this scene is anxiety-inducing in a big way so to distract myself i imagine roxy as a mech pilot

dude i’d totally watch sophie in a role like that, like, let her be in a movie like pacific rim, she’d kick ass

and now we have The Chaos

otherwise known as that point when Everything Is Happening All At Once All The Time

also a thing that doesn’t exist in spy movies: hearing damage

because like his voice is right in eggsy’s ear and without it he’d have a LOT harder time surviving

imagine being an agent, merlin trying to talk to you, but something either hits your ear or goes off right next to it and suddenly it’s just silent

SYSTEM FAILURE

YAAASSSSS

WE WIN

GGOOOAAAAALLLLLL

THE AUDIENCE IS DOING THE WAVE

except JUST KIDDING

The Chaos 2 Electric Boogaloo!

merlin with a huge gun: hot, also, very scary

eggsy is just 10000% done

“this is mine. i’ll show you yours.”

i wonder who e man was supposed to be that valentine called.

like is that a reference to a real person that i just did’t catch?

… elon musk? maybe? idk

eggsy slides like a gd anime character

when he uses the rainmaker, it’s just like harry’s protecting him from somewhere else

(oh—wait, technically kentucky, i guess)

“merlin, i’m fucked.” you can hear the anger there. not only did he fail, but he—and everyone else—is about to die

but this? this is the pinnacle of eggsy showing himself as a kingman agent

he was staring death straight in the mouth and STILL

SOMEHOW

REMEMBERED THE IMPLANTS

so i guess if i say that the moment when he puts on the suit is when he becomes a true agent, then maybe this is the moment when he becomes galahad.

*bobs head to pomp & circumstance*

i remember getting a huge kick out of how colorful they made this

because in real life you know a bunch of people literally blowing up would be like—DISGUSTING

viscera everywhere

no fun rainbow mushroom clouds

“i’ve always wanted to kiss a princess.”

ANOTHER knight reference, very clever matthew

mmmmm Do Not Like that noise

aaaannndddd *that* line

which—maybe that’s mr. vaughn’s sense of humor, or what he thinks the sense of humor his core demographic has, idk

but it always kinda rubbed me the wrong way

the mass brawl scenes are edited so like--jarringly compared to the other fight scenes in the movie

that’s probably for a reason

also, a showdown to the tune of something disco: kind of another trope homage

this shot of gazelle is so sick, i love everything about it, she is so cool

this entire fight with eggsy is awesome tbh

we got a little bit of what gazelle can look like in combat earlier with tilde’s guards, but now we get this epic showdown seeing her at her full potential against someone who’s actually a challenge

and the way valentine is shouting for her to kick his ass from upstairs and yelling encouragement lmao that’s how real friends act when there’s a fight

daisy ;-; ugh, that’s the visual gutpunch that makes it juuuuuust serious enough by reminding us of the stakes

which is why it’s fitting that then we see the Slo-Mo K.O.

and that smile with the fun little chimes in the back, lmao

and eggsy, quick on his feet again byyyy being quick on gazelle’s feet—foot—whatever

man, impalement deaths are always fun.

coulda done without the vomiting but that’s also one of valentine’s quirks that makes him different from a cookie cutter villain

aaannddd have a heavy sigh from merlin

that dude needs a full-body massage and a drink

“is this where you say some really bad pun?”

reminder: i love that this movie is self-aware! i could not picture a super serious kingsman movie! i just picture something depressing!

there had to have been a better option besides—this, for this eggsy/tilde ending scene

i’m not saying i’m mad it ended with them fucking, i’m mad that the extent of the joke was anal and that was it.

also the idea of my boss possibly seeing me having sex would have me a little more concerned about the hardware on my face, but okay??

aannddd the tapes.

gah, we love visual throwbacks!

we love being able to see that despite all this growth and change, family remains very important to eggsy—he hasn’t changed into a different person, he has grown more into himself than ever before! THIS! THIS is eggsy unwin!

… GET READY FOR IT

time for tgc! (and to get into my roanoke feels, maybe, this is the nexus where our canons connect)

the BAGPIPES

okay

i did not stop to consider how unpleasant this was going to be to watch stoned but we’re gonna power through it and get through it together

if i cry i cry

the way the music swells into the main theme <3

and the perfect reveal for our boy eggsy!

reflected in gold, looking sharper than broken glass

and SUDDENLY CHARLIE

the pacing in tgc leads me to believe that matthew had huge plans for this movie, and a lot of cool stuff probably ended up on the cutting room floor for time

i also love that they brought charlie back

i love his voice box and his cool robot arm

and i’m not just saying that because it made it super easy to blend him into our canon, either, this is like—charlie’s evil twin in terms of his new aesthetic, the contrast is really cool

YYAASSSS THIS SCENE

WITH PRINCE PLAYING??

*CHEF’S KISS*

like we are IMMEDIATELY thrown back into the gold parts of it all, like how physics is a little broken so we can do cool shit like have a knockdown drag-out fight all within the space of a small cab

i wonder what would’ve hurt charlie worse—being thrown onto his organic side, or having all his weight land on his metal arm if it hadn’t disattached

but then he’s up and standing so i guess we’re fine?

MERLIN! <3

otherwise known as the character entrance that literally changed my life

i try not to think about it too much or i get weirded out

ANYWAY

(and to think i almost never even saw the movie)

Sick Car Chase, Bro

and as an american, like, everything’s on the opposite side to me, it’s stressful to watch a little bit

“i seem to remember in your training you were rather good at holding your breath.”

man, that’s uh—kind of a macabre thing to say, merlin

just a little bit

i’m not even gonna attempt to hold my breath to see if i’d survive this scene just assume i’m dead in that universe

we all live in a kingsman subarmine, a kingsman submarine, a kingsman submarine~~

��not boasting, but i trained him well enough that even he wouldn't mess that up.”

merlin are you okay??

gah, i love that chest-deep laugh though.

is it real love if they won’t crawl through the sewer to get to your house in time

i love that harry’s house looks basically the same

i know they talk about eggsy not wanting to change anything in the novelization but i haven’t read it yet so I’m not a hundred percent sure what all is in there

and we still get to see him hanging with his friends, and his girlfriend, like, this dude is still all about the family

“wwwwOOOOO!”

i love this group so much omg

for as much as he’s galahad, he’s still eggsy

the transition in the weed bag looks super cool

… oh, i guess watching this while high makes the main storyline hit a bit different

welp

i love that poppy is an aesthetic slut and really doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion about how she makes her space

like, “i want a big 50s-style diner with a gourmet kitchen that i can cook people in, soooooo i’m getting one”

it’s also refreshing to see julianne moore in a bad guy role!

not that i’m super familiar with her filmography but i feel like i’ve mostly seen her cast as like a good guy?

i could be wrong

awwwww jet and bennie!

there’s so much to love about this set

cannibalism and the fact that she bulldozed jungle to build all this aside (suspend that belief!)

the breakfast sceeeeeene

it’s so bittersweet, for obvious reasons

and it’s more evidence that he’s not super ready to move on into new territory yet, like making new memories with tilde that ring close to home

“i wish i could have met him.”

and the way he has to turn away, ugh.

eggsy. i’m sorry.

tilde, i’m sorry, too. you had good intentions, but they lost against his pain.

michael gambdon! the new arthur we didn’t know we wanted until we got him.

charlie had a moral glo-down, it’s fine, happens to everybody

FFFFFF his imitation of merlin lmfao

man, poor charlie, like

you wake up, you can’t make a sound, your arm has been blown off and your family’s dead

like his reaction to that entire scenario isn’t entirely unrealistic, i’m just saying

also LOOK AT ROX

omg everyone in this movie can wear the FUCK out of suit, y’all

man, i’ve gotten a few tattoos that were exquisitely painful—i can’t imagine how much it would suck to do it with literal molten metal

dude this means clara laid on her stomach and probably screamed at the floor as she got hers D:

this kinda—riffs off of hannibal, a teeny-tiny bit

like we’re so overloaded with the aesthetics and behavior of a certain character so it’s like, we forget about the much darker parts untillllll there’s a mood change and we’re looking at that dude’s legs, to the burger this other dude puts in his mouth, and thinking “oh, oh dear, ew”

i love eggsy in the orange jacket <3 snaps for the wardrobe crew across this series.

tilde’s face, omg, she was heart-eyeing so bad. and like, that little proud nod at her dad (who was of course being Like That on purpose)

and roxy, coming in in the clutch, you are tonight’s MVP

uggghhhhh i hate this part

because again, it’s just--a bunch of bad shit colliding outside of anyone’s control

(it was also really jarring seeing the war room with blank walls the first time i watched this)

like—granted, you should maybe not touch stuff that’s not yours, but…

like we *just* saw eggsy and brandon in a very casual, intimate scene with each other, how can anyone get angry with brandon?

this is all stress-inducing

i remember being in the theater watching this and feeling like i was watching some awful slow motion car wreck and i couldn’t look away

idk what other story i would’ve wanted to see but i was NOT a fan of Sudden Death For Christmas, especially concerning roxy!

and poppy is such a *bright* villain, not just because of taste but because of her personality, which is another weird thing to have next to the cannibalism

gaaahhhh charlieeee your arm is so cooooool

this shot is gorgeous and incredibly depressing.

what do you do?

gah, and the way merlin comes out of the dark, like

i probably would’ve drawn a gun on him too

“you think *i* would?”

this scene shows 1. how much he trusts eggsy to not shoot him, and/or 2. how good merlin is at compartmentalizing, because this is an even bigger blow than harry’s death, and he’s following the protocol like it’s an art form

i hope that we see some reference to this safe in the next movie, that’d be a cool way to tie the narratives all together

“i suppose that must be upper class humor. … i don’t get it.”

reminder, merlin is working class.

if you’re a ho for this fandom and went and bought this whiskey specifically because of this movie clap your hands *clap clap*

and they proceed to just get HAMMERED

“country rooaaddsss… take me hoooooome…”

another reminder: kentucky is a beautiful state!

i would love to tour a whiskey distillery, that’d be super cool

“shame it’s not scotch”

again, with his weird night vale clipboard.

who would win: two highly-trained kingsman agents vs. one (1) cowboy

channing tatum, ladies and gentlemen!

“y’all look damn sharp!”

i am forever gonna be mad we didn’t get more of tequila in this movie, and not just because of roanoke either, but like, “that dog don’t hunt,” whatever he has in his mouth sealed a leak in a barrel, and it took him all of two minutes to incapacitate both eggsy AND merlin? hello??

i’m glad we’ll get to see more of him in the another movie.

“you know why the measurement of alcohol is called proof?”

just dumping it on their laps, so disrespectful

“—and you can go fuck yourself.”

eggsy fucking just giggling.

these two doofuses

also it’s hot to see merlin be sassy ngl

“HARRY!”

these guys have been fast thinkers in stressful situations but as it turns out, people being unexpectedly not dead can kinda fuck with your day

aaannddd halle berry, everybody! i love ginger ale omg

(and so does merlin, he is instantly enchanted)

;-; this reunion scene

i don’t know how colin manages to be two completely different people at once

like there’s a huge difference between former agent galahad and harry hart the lepidopterist and i can’t explain it

i really, really hope we see at least one little hint at kinsman’s relationship with statesman in the new movie, i just think it’d be really cool

in roanoke canon, there’s an office rumor that the nanobot tech used by statesman was influenced directly by the same technology developed by dr. wernicke in the outlast games. i still think it’s one of my better crossover ideas.

also

god bless whoever decided to get elton john involved with all this?? because i was DELIGHTED

i love poppy’s wardrobe as much as i love her weird 50s-land in the jungle

i also really love the main statesman theme? it reminds me of all those fun epic westerns

jeff bridges! :D

champ vaguely reminds me of my dad

“can you imagine us in the tailor business?”

and he’s super quick with the questions. my headcanons for champ are all over the place but one that i really like is that he was maybe a sheriff or in law enforcement before being recruited by statesman.

aaanndddd pedro pascal, everybody!

otherwise known as *another* character that this movie did dirty, that’ll probably come up in this later

imagine being harry hart, not remember all of yourself, and suddenly your entire room just—fills with water

that had to have been so terrifying, and it was just as hard for merlin to watch (and possibly remember something unpleasant)

and like

that sounds like SUCH bullshit, too, like “yeah we thought if you came close to drowning it would help”

which, is that what merlin meant, no, but is that what harry heard, probably

enter jb the second ;-; <3 sweet baby

tilde’s trying so hard. i see you!

aha, penis jokes.

and all of the unnecessary weird festival stuff, uuggghh

there are so many different things they could have done, like, all of this is just weird from the get-go

first of all, whiskey striking out? hello?? saying no to a man like mr. pascal???

not realistic

the way whiskey takes a shot as he walks away lmao, relatable

and poor clara, like, it’s not like she was asking for any of this D:

hmmmmmmm don’t know how i feel being a stoner watching other stoners get this blue rash thing when i know it kills some of themmmmmmm

i love charlie in his newsboys cap!

poppy has a little bit of a point. like, booze is way more dangerous than pot, as is tobacco. like i would never advocate anyone try meth or heroin, but i think weed and some hallucinogenics get bad wraps.

seeing a dude get torn in half in the reflection of elton john’s sunglasses is the surprising bit of gore we need to remember that oh, yeah, the villain isn’t fun, she’s a murderer

uuggghhhh the TENT SCENE

and, look, i’ll defend tilde forever, but i did NOT like the weird marriage ultimatum. i still think it’s a dick move, like, in that situation either decide to trust your boyfriend or break up with him

the tent interior is super cool-looking

and like, man, he tried, he tried to bounce D:

/sigh/ work hazards, i guess

mmmmmm we don’t need any of what’s happening on screen right now so i’ll just sit patiently and wait for it to be over

and like, there’s nothing funny about merlin and ginger being able to hear everything that’s going on, it’s so grosssss, poor ginger has to have heard some shit before to be so nonchalant about it

everything about this sucks

and then he tries going to the one person who he needs the most and having to deal with him still existing in some state between alive and dead

his body is here

but harry is not

“maggots turn into flies, perhaps you mean larvae!” :D he is SO CUTE

but this entire conversation, with harry still not remembering and eggsy trying so hard to reach him through the fog, is so depressing

like, i’d need a drink too

*and* a joint

i’m seeing my coping mechanisms on screen here folks

the way he comes up with the idea is kinda ingenious though

like, he’s looking at stuff to make himself bummed on purpose, but therein he finds the thing he needs to fix the issue

harry’s smile when eggsy hands him the puppy TT.TT

and then eggsy just becomes a stone cold motherfucker with no emotions

“no one’s sick enough to shoot a puppy!”

hi, flashback!harry

and as SOON as he remembers himself, it’s like his eyes are different, something about him looks like it did before kentucky

“… eggsy.”

one of my favorite movie hugs

and eggsy has to stand on his tiptoes because harry’s so tall

like yeah merlin and harry’s reunion isn’t as overtly emotional, but there’s definitely a sense of joy and relief there.

harry my baby ;-; much better with the sunglasses (and merlin was so close to telling him he looked spectacular)

“now is that any way to welcome a visit from outta town, moonshine?”

he! tried! to! defend! harry!

i hate that jack got a villain story line!

we could’ve had something so much better and infinitely more compelling!

“hurrrr durrrr morgan you just like redemption arcs because you don’t want anybody being a villain permanently” i also like them because sometimes that’s better writing, y’all sit down

“that is NOT what i call a kentucky welcome.”

i love so many things happening in this scene, like

we get to see whiskey kick ass, like yassss gimme those sweet action sequences and give us some character development by showcasing his fighting style

and also NOBODY shits on harry for not being able to handle the situation. both eggsy and merlin were like “dude we’re still celebrating the fact that you’re alive tbh it’s fine if you’re not back up to speed right this second”

you can really tell that this was penned by british people writing american slang because having grown up in the southern half of the u.s. i have never ONCE heard ANYONE say shit like “i feel like a tornado in a trailer park” lmao

and poppy’s fun little death threat infomercial, so great

“what have you done to me you FUCKING BITCH” oof, that’s a mood

!!!!! gonna be honest i kinda forgot that bruce greenwood plays the president

okay but save lives, legalize isn’t an entirely bad idea tbh

hnnnnnnng the scenes about people not being able to get into the hospital hits different in the year of our lord 2020 huh

… y’all i’m being weirded out by all this hospital scenes, this is unpleasant

i, too, wish i could pull a tequila and just be slipped into a chilly coma until shit wasn’t so fucked up

“the fact is, this presidency has won the war on drugs!”

THIS SCENE!

look, y’all can come into my inbox and call me a pothead, or a lazy stoner, or some third insult, but this dude’s VP is bringing up some very, VERY important points when it comes to any kind of discussion about drug use in the u.s.

am i drug-friendly, sure, but i’m more friendly to the notion that we stop demonizing addicts/users

harry looks fucking SCANDALIZED when he sees champ spit into his spittoon thing

i don’t think whiskey even brought up harry not being ready to return to the field in an insulting manner, he literally just saw him get his ass beat in a bar, but eggsy’s faith and loyalty are up there in the category of unstoppable force/immovable object, so here we are

am i the only one curious about the whole charlie x clara thing? because he’s definitely grown up a bit by tgc, and i wanna know how much of that might be because of clara

and he MISSES, e for effort harry

“so sorry about this—“ WHAM

and now that guy can say colin firth busted his face with a fire extinguisher, which is very cool

“*you’re* wu ting feng?” “… yes?”

“you motherFUCKER” ohhhhhh charlie maaaaaad

ginger and merlin though, #couplegoals

the only person more pissed off about the hallucinations than everyone else is harry

imagine remembering that you’re one of the top people in your field and you just keep seeing imaginary butterflies everywhere

like, yeah, i’d be pissed at not being able to do what i knew i was capable of, too

if it wasn’t careening towards a random retirement center, getting stuck in a wildly rotating gondola thing could be fun

nice tuesday afternoon activity

i would loved to have seen more galahad/whiskey field stuff

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me—“

meanwhile, in the continuing adventures of eggsy and jack: shit goes from bad to worse like a formal spiral only going downward

their expressions as their both just SCREAMING always make me laugh

”that’s the first decent shit i’ve had in three weeks.” <- as does that line, that old dude’s just telling it like it is

eggsy’s comment about the antidote just reminds me of when boromir looks a the ring and says something like “all this for such a tiny thing”

dun dun DUN what are THOSE? hints that whiskey may not be who we think he is??

great. so excited about that. i say, rolling my eyes into the sun

“i’ll fix their wagons.” no one says that matthew!

i. love. this. scene. because now we get cool gun tricks AND the second most metal thing that happens with a lasso in this movie (we’re coming up on the most metal thing)

like please please PLEASE show us more lasso tricks in the statesman movie

“well thank fuckin’ christ i didn’t need any backup.” i wonder if whiskey’s acting angrier than he actually is to throw off the fact that he might’ve caught harry’s glance at him betraying suspicion

RIP jack

imagine the timeline where whiskey was never a bad guy and harry hart just blew a dude away for NO REASON

now THAT would be an interesting movie

because harry and eggsy, for all they went through in the first film, never had a conflict where it was harry in the position of mangling the ropes up

but of course eggsy would never, never tell merlin what happened because he’s still ultimately on harry’s team

damn, charlie, literally blowing up your girlfriend seems kinda extreme

“THIS is vital!”

and here we get to see the biggest difference between merlin and ginger

now, i know there’s extra stuff in the novelization about their relationship and i can’t talk about it because i have no idea what’s in the book

but!

i DO still headcanon as merlin quitting fieldwork after lee’s death

his comment is either what he genuinely believes, or maybe what he fashioned his beliefs into after stepping down from his field role, and ginger is just as sincere in her desire to break into that aspect of working for statesman

it’s like seeing the same character but in two points in time, and it’s really cool

that balance would’ve also been a fun aspect of their romantic relationship to explore but alas! ’twas not to be

colin and mark could both play slenderman

look at those limbs.

gracious.

also this facetime scene with eggsy and tilde T.T

that has to be so terrifying to watch when you know the steps of death and what they look like as they get closer

but it also puts a fire under eggsy though

“i’m leaving with, or without you.”

and of course they’re both gonna go because that’s NOT characteristic eggsy behavior based off of how we know he views family/squad

that’s how they know he’s being for cereal

uugggggGGHHHH and THAT FORESHADOING

stacey pruitt, attorney at lawwwww

hmmmmmmmmm

what does this conversation between poppy and the president remind me of

gonna just sigh into the void

and now we have harry and eggsy on the jet along with the BIGGEST LIE harry hart has ever told in his LIFE

kingsman and statesman aesthetics at least tend to be the same color schemes. lotta golds, yellows. browns.

eggsy, yeah, it’s a bummer your gf dumped you, but this relationship wasn’t very well-developed or written so i’m not as bummed as i could be

“… and in that moment, all i felt was loneliness and regret.”

harry shut the FUCK UP

you felt NOTHING??

you weren’t thinking of, gee, i dunno, EGGSY? or MERLIN?? your MOM???

like these lines from him just seem to come out of left field and i can’t even halfway suspend my belief long enough to come close to believing him

like mr. hart you just gonna be like that in front of jesus and everybody????

so, yeah, of course he’s on board with saving tilde! because he recognizes (apparently just right that second) that “having something to lose is what makes life worth living”

and i don’t know if they felt like there need to be some weird, deeply contrasting reason for harry to swing around to being in support? or something?

i’m forever pissed about this characterization and i don’t even know if i’m expressing my anger in a way that makes it easy to understand lmao this is fine, i’m fine, literally not a single person in this fandom ever believed those lines anyway, it’s fine

moving on

... and even if they WERE true then honestly that just makes me more excited about butterfly knife, because that means that harry acknowledged both the bad side of the coin, and also the side with rae on it (which would mean seeing her for who she was and also recognizing his feelings for what THEY were) and drew the ultimately correct conclucision that love! is! always! worth! it! let that shit in like a welcome guest in the home of your heart, and they will stay as long as you let them!

as SOON as he wakes up ginger looks a thousand percent done lmao

and the “process” that they use to wake people up or whatever is—interesting

because all it is, is trauma turned into a tool which is kind of a weird concept to see in a “fun spy movie” imo

and this is one of what i feel were like only what, two? glimpses we get into whiskey’s Tragic Backstory

and the other scene isn’t a glimpse it’s just straight up exposition in his dialogue :/

jack, i’m sorry, you deserved better than this as a character

i’m sure the name “silver pony” is a reference to something but i don’t know what

“lookin’ GOOD merlin!” “feelin’ good, eggsy.”

ladies and gentlemen when i tell you that i lost my pool-noodle mind seeing him put on that suit watching this in a theater, i--

ANYWAY

because now that i have the horrible burden of having seen these movies a million times

i know it’s more symbolic

he stays in sweaters so long, as an agent of the background, because he walked a man to his death

so it figures when he puts the armor back on for the first time in ages

he walks to his own

uuuggghhhh the minesweeper

i hate this

i hate it

i hate everything about the feelings i’m having while this is happening

*beep-beep*

“you move, we die.”

i HATE IT

but like, i don’t know, how preferable is this to the end scene we almost got, which was merlin dragging his newly-legless corpse through a doggy door?

because it’s been literally multiple years and i still have no fucking idea

they’re both horrible in their own terrible, awful ways

damn, matthew, it’s not often someone manages to come up with multiple versions of a thing and have every version be so gut-wrenchingly horrific, i’m truly impressed and completely disgusted

“do as your told!”

god

everyone just going through twenty shades of Bad Feelings in the space of fifteen seconds here in the jungle

and colin and taron do this thing where it’s like—their eyes go dead? like, there was a light here, it’s gone now

it SUCKS

oh no

ALMOST HEAVEN

WEST VIRGINIA

… fuck

LIFE IS OLD THERE

OLDER THAN THE TREES

“… singing?”

this sucks.

this sucks this sucks this sucks

MOUNTAIN MAMAAAAA

TAKE ME HOOOOME

COUNTRY ROOOADDSSSSS

*THUNK*

and he even took off his glasses before he hit him, he had his end coming towards him and he was still a gentleman

TAKE ME HOOOME

COUNTRY RROOOOAAAADDDSSSSS

his EYES AT THE END

FUCK

… okay i had to get up and go for a lil’ walk

anyway

(and again, roanoke canon, fucking fixing’ shit left and right, because we’re the goat)

harry and eggsy look MURDEREROUS

MERLIN SAID KNOCK YOU OUT

it DID make the grand ending fun action scene a lot more satisfying

because like, without merlin there, that means harry and eggsy get to go full feral

poppy you big idiot you just robbed them of all their motivation to show any kind of restraint and now everybody’s gonna get blown up

except for those dudes who get kicked by elton john

which would be an HONOR first of all

(the part where eggsy’s using his gun and shield vaguely reminds me of the specialist, @bloodofthepen)

and harry and eggsy just—they’re drift compatible! that’s it! the teamwork! the grace! the flow! my god!

eggsy vs. charlie: round like 4 if you count the first movie

it was also satisfying to see charlie’s new arm in action

we love fun robotics and gadgetry in this house

colin firth is really just not afraid to throw himself full force down a bowling lane huh

ugh, seeing charlie slam eggsy over and over again makes my chest hurt

the sound mixing on all these films is top notch which isn’t always a good thing T.T

ROCKETMAN~~~

that shit will never NOT be funny

a wild elton john appeared!

eggsy is indestructible, he can walk off anything

but charlie, charlie i feel really sorry for, imagine being attacked by a superior version of your own limb, i.e. something that you can’t exactly quickly remove from yourself, that would be TERRIFYING

harry + elton = dream teaaaammmm

“darling if you save the world, you can have a backstage pass.”

i love you elton john :(

i would have been the most OBNOXIOUS hype man in the background of the entire kingsman vs. poppy land face-off

“let’s make this fair.” eggsy you’re fuckin’ cheeky

and poor harry, all that lank just getting tossed like noodles

i thought the robot puppers were very cool

“for the record charlie i’m more of a gentleman than you’ll ever be.”

mmmmmm do NOT like this death for charlie

SUPER glad we fixed it

and another scene where i can’t stand the sound mixing T.T it makes me cringe every time

“i don’t consider genocide especially lady-like.”

and are we gonna talk about how merlin knew how to make heroin?

… no?

nobody wanna talk about that?

ugh that houndstooth dress is so PRETTY though

high!poppy is weirdly comedic for all of two seconds and then it stops being funny real fast

whiskey D:<

this is so dumb

this is all so, so dumb

“our agencies were founded to uphold peace, to protect the innocent—“

there’s that nobility again

is what happened to whiskey fucked up, yes

i’m not saying we have to completely remove that from his story

i just

literally anything but this would have been preferable

and then HOT DOG it’s one of my favorite shots in the movie with the whip where harry’s just chucking it away from his face like a bamf, YES

how great is this cover, let’s be honest

like, i’d be lying if i said i didn’t enjoy this scene visually

plus

HARRY GETTING PEGGED RIGHT IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN

gracious

it’s one fluid tracking shot, so kinda in alignmentment with what we’re used to

some people get annoyed with repeated junk but when you can do it THIS WELL you can get away with anything

but then jack

you did NOT desert that

yes, you were in dire need of an attitude adjustment but jesus

“this is for you, merlin.”

/ugly sobbing/

and tilde is all betterrrrrr ;-;

you guys did itttttt

COUNTRY ROOOAAADDSS

TAKE ME HOOOOOOMMEEEE

TO THE PLAAAAAACCCEEEEE

I BELOOOOONNGGGG

and the scene with jamal and liam T.T #wholesomecontent

poor tequila, after i knew that you would have a bigger role in another movie, i was less annoyed by the fact that they iced you so quick into the story

#FOX2020

“… now we’re brothers, working side by side.”

spoiler alert i actually love champ’s toast

“y’all shittin’ in high cotton now” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

and ginger becomes the new whiskey like she always wanted T.T

merlin is proud from heaven (or london, depending on which canon)

iiiiiii have mixed feelings about the whole wedding scene, which is probably because i take HUGE issue with the weird proposal ultimatum thing that happened earlier

but the way eggsy says “not a doubt in my mind,” he says it so seriously and i remember that tilde almost died

there was such good intention packed into this couple that was so badly written that i just

augh

“but it is perhaps the end of the beginning.”

there’s ***merlin! lmao i see you dude, they did you dirty

look

i was pissed off about a lot of things that happened in this thing but i was honestly hype seeing tequila at the very end walking into the tailor shop

like, yeah, i’ll stick around to see what happens in this universe but i’m gonna complain the whole time

GO JACK RABBIT

RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS

and again, i almost didn’t see this movie.

… i think about that morgan sometimes.

hope she’s doin’ okay.

…

she’s probably not. D:

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lifblogs · 4 years

Text

My ridiculous and over the top text to Misha:

The conversations around voting are so unnecessarily difficult this year. There are too many people who don't even care, so they'll just vote for whoever. Their ideals really lean towards white supremacy. I'm white, but I think white supremacy is absolute fucking garbage. We as white people have privileges despite the hardships we may have gone through/are going through. We're shown white is normal, that it's beautiful, that it's the ideal. Having more people of color in TV and movies would remedy this a bit. (As an aside, I love Billie from SPN.)

The white supremacists think their way of life is threatened just because black people are demanding that they stop getting killed. Someone I know constantly says the world is going to flip, and white people will be used, and beaten, and killed. What a bullshit way of thinking. It's not even close to true. As you know, equality doesn't mean the system will be unbalanced. But a large group of people think they're being threatened. They want their rights to wear MAGA hats, they want their rights to own guns in case a black person tries to get in the house, they want their rights to practice Christianity and preach and preach and preach about loving everyone and God loving everyone. And then they leave church, and it's okay to "agree to disagree." It's, "You know, a lot of black deaths are from other black people." It's, "Soon we won't be able to go out and safely practice our religion."

And this means nothing against Christianity. Believe me, Misha, I was a devout Catholic for years until I realized people spoke of love, and then the church would fight against equality. At one point before entering church, the priest made us fucking write down anyone who was gay. My bro and I had to lie, of course, and not do it. But what the fuck is that about?? What the fuck???

Okay, I went off on a tangent. My bad. But yeah, white supremacists, or people who are Trump-leaning, or boomers, even, think their way of life will change. And hopefully they're right. It SHOULD change. But it won't do it the way they think. They won't be the people who were stolen from their country, the people who were slaves, the people who were tortured and killed, the people who were kept separate from society, the people who are spat on and crushed by the system. Fuck white supremacy. FUCK IT. And sorry for basically giving you a book to read, but I had to get that off my chest. And you're someone I'm sure would understand. So glad you're working to get people to vote, and to do it responsibly.

You're pretty cool for all this. And we're doing this without being "white saviors." We're just trying to give the unheard a chance to finally, FINALLY, be heard by society, and LISTENED TO, and UNDERSTOOD. We do need to speak up for people who society deems unimportant to listen to. But you know what, Misha (I'm 100% sure you know this, no 2,000,000% sure)? Black people are loud. They are demanding to be heard. They are beautiful with their words and their actions and their lives. They state things so eloquently. They act. They sing. They are fighting to rise up as equals, and it's good to know we both stand with them. As a minority myself, it sickens me that other minorities have to suffer.

(Okay, this is a book series now. Sorry.)

#misha collins #text #voting #long post

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imaginesebastian · 5 years

Text

TLC

A/N: I wrote this over the span of...forever. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get something to you guys. This goes with a slow burn request and a smut request sooo 18+ my darlings!!:)

Warnings: Smut and cussing

Weddings.

Your distaste for them had grown since graduating college. With every friend that got pregnant or hitched, you pushed yourself further into a hole of self-loathing and doubt.

Unfortunately, this is one particular wedding that you had to be at. Your best friend stood at the alter with a small tear running down his face. You couldn’t help but scoff, he was marrying a woman after meeting her 8 months ago. Something about him knowing that they were soul mates or some other bullshit that you didn’t believe.

“Jesus christ. . .” you muttered under your breath as the wedding march began playing. You put on a smile, standing up and turning back to look at the woman in a traditional white dress. Her hair was curled perfectly and cascaded down her back in a waterfall. She was perfect, it was no wonder that Bucky was so into her.

When she reached the front of the alter, Bucky sighed with content. “Hi James.” You heard her whisper.

God. . . nobody calls him James. Who the fuck does she think she is?

“Hi Jess.” He responded, his smile just as wide as hers. The crowd laughed, Bucky leaning back and fanning his face as he looked over her in the dress. You rolled your eyes.

“We are gathered here today. . .” and here was the part where your brain shut off. You looked anxiously at your hands, playing with the ring on your thumb while you felt the pit of your stomach drop.

He looked at her with so much. . . comfort. Like she was her home. You couldn’t help but think back to when at one point you hoped that he looked at you like that one day.

It was pathetic. Of course you were in love with your best friend, what kind of cliche are you? He wanted you to be one of her bridesmaids, he said he wanted you to be a part of the wedding but you had to politely decline. The hurt in his eyes made you nauseous, but you didn’t necessarily get along with Jess. It’s not like you could fake it until you made it in this scenario.

Of course you didn’t start off the friendship with an attraction to him. It only started when he called you darlin’. Or when he stayed at your apartment one night while you showed him every one of your favorite video games from Mario Bros. all the way to The Last of Us.

His admiration for modern technology left a childlike wonder on his face for what was to come. His metal arm was the closest thing he had experienced to “super advanced” until he saw the graphics on the PS4. He would tell you stories about the 30s and 40s, and with every word you couldn’t help but fall a little more in love with him.

You wanted to tell him, but you kept putting it off and putting it off until eventually he found a girlfriend. As wrong as it was, you hoped every night that they wouldn’t last. That he was meant for you. Surprised was an understatement when he told you of their engagement. “She proposed to me. . . how weird is that?”

“And does anyone have an objections to this union?” The priest spoke with a light chuckle laced in his words. You struggled to stop yourself from standing up, from yelling at her while Bucky watched, from running up there and throwing yourself on him, confessing your undying love for him. Life doesn’t work like that though.

“Okay, James and Jessica. I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the priest grinned, “you may kiss the bride!”

You looked away, swallowing while meeting eyes with Steve. He gave you a small empathetic look while you shook your head. You could feel your eyes prick with tears but you didn’t want to give anything away.

The music played again and they walked down the isle hand in hand. Finally, you were able to walk away. You covered your shoulders and walked towards your car, opening the door and sitting in it.

You debated turning on your car and driving away. You debated never speaking to Bucky again, starting a new life and wishing him the best in life. You couldn’t throw away your friendship though.

A sigh left your lip while you wiped away the one tear that managed to slip out. Soon, you heard a knock on your window.

“Hey darlin’,” Bucky stood on the other side of the slightly fogged glass, causing you to panic and wipe your face of any tears. You put on a smile and opened the car door, “Hey Bucky! That was some ceremony, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah! It was gorgeous, better than I could have imagined.”

An awkward smile fell on your lips and you looked away with a cough. “Hey, so as much as I would like to stay, I’m not feeling very well so the celebration aspect is gonna have to be saved for another time.” You attempted to grin but you couldn’t quite muster up the energy.

“Awh,” his face dropped, “but how can I celebrate if I don’t have my best friend with me?”

“You’ll get there.” You sent a wink his way, before you got into your car and started it, leaving Bucky there with an astonished look on his face as you pulled out of the church parking lot.

Five years had never gone by so quick.

“Alright Mrs. Willems, we’ll have that ready for you by tomorrow. Thank you so much for your order!” You talked happily into the phone, writing down a cake order and pinning it to the cork board in the back of your bakery.

After the wedding, you decided it was probably best for you to move on. As much as it hurt to end the friendship, it was better for the both of you. you couldn’t go on in pain.

It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears but finally you were able to open your dream bakery. Amazingly enough, the business was booming, and you’ve even taken up catering.

The New York Tribune named it the greatest bakery on the south side of NYC. You’ve had a few Food Network shows feature you and the business started growing.

As the night closed off, you began counting the till and cleaning. You told the night crew to head home, they’ve been working really hard and you wanted to reward them.

“130, 140, 150. . .” It was in the middle of counting the till that you heard a small knock on the door. You looked up and moved the glasses on your nose away from your face, walking towards the lock.

“Hi, I’m so sorry we’re clo-” you looked up and met eyes with a tall, blue-eyed beauty who you hadn’t seen in quite a while.

“Bucky?”

“Hey. . . I saw your face in the newspaper.”

You swallowed your nausea, not knowing what to do. “I- uhm. . .”

He smiled, something you wished you could have woken up to every morning for the past five years, “I knew you would be able to do it someday.”

Your hands started to shake and before you could stop, you found yourself opening the door wider and making room for the super soldier to enter the small bakery. He inhaled through his nose, the smells of freshly baked cakes and breads filling his senses. He remembered you playing around with recipes all those years ago, and it wasn’t until he saw your face again that he realized just how much he had been missing you.

“Yeah,” you exhaled, “it took a lot of work.”

His back was still turned to you as he spoke, “Yeah, but you still did it.”

You studied the curve of his back, and how he had somehow become even more muscular than you remembered. His hair no longer rested above his shoulders, instead it was cut much like the 30s haircut you remember from the photographs. The ends curled at the top, your breath almost catching in your throat.

“Is there anything I can help you with?” You questioned, pushing your hair behind your ear while you stepped from foot to foot awkwardly.

“Yeah. . . I was wondering if you could make a cake from me.”

Your chest heaved, “Well usually I’ll tell someone to come back during our operating hours, but I’ll make an exception.” You walked behind the counter and pulled out an order form, leaning forward and taking a pen out of your apron.

“So, what’ll it be Mr. Barnes?”

“A vanilla cake, decorated with blue and pink frosting,” of course it was a gender reveal cake. You almost scoffed but you held in your annoyance for a moment, you had done plenty of gender reveal cakes before, “Ah, Jess is pregnant! How exciting. Okay, and the filling? Will it be blue or pink?”

“What? No, no,” Bucky leaned on the other side of the counter, “Strawberry filling, and across the top I want the words, ‘Happy Divorce Day, Cheater!’ Written in black.”

You looked up, your brows furrowed immediately, “You two are getting a divorce?”

Bucky nodded, his bottom lip being drug in between his teeth, “She, uh, she slept with her co-worker. Has been since before we even got married apparently,” a chuckle left his mouth, “she hates strawberry filling.”

“Oh my god. . . I’m so sorry.” You knew that bitch didn’t know what the fuck she had. Of course she’d fuck it up with Bucky, and she’s gonna hate herself for the rest of her life.

“You know, I always knew that something was off, but I was so blinded by infatuation that I ignored all the red flags.” He spoke, almost as if this isn’t the first time in five years that you two had spoken. Like you never had left in the first place.

At this point you put the pen down, clasping your hands together in front of you and listening intently. “I don’t think I ever really loved her. I lost five years of my life on her.”

You nodded, mostly in agreement but you had hoped he took it as a note that you were listening. He paused, his eyes meeting yours for a split second. You loved him. You knew that for sure.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine that.”

“Yeah, well you know. . . Life goes on.” Bucky grinned, “I’m 100 years old and 5 years doesn’t seem that long at the moment.”

You smiled back, the first time you had smiled sincerely since he had arrived. “How about you and I go back and make this cake right now.” You suggested, motioning for him to hop over the counter and follow you to the back where the giant mixer sat, cleaned and untouched.

“Okay, you grab the-” a screech left your mouth as you felt arms around your waist, “Bucky, wait!”

“(Y/N),” he sat you down on top of the counter, “I didn’t come here for a cake. I came here to ask me something.”

You smiled, “and what would that be, Mr. Barnes?”

“Did you like me back then? Ya know, more than a friend?” Bucky said, his arms on either side of your thighs.

You laughed off your shocked cough, “Bucky what are we, 12?”

“Answer the question, darlin’.”

You looked away from his eyes, “I loved you. More than anything else in the world.”

“Loved?” he questioned.

“Love.” You sighed in defeat, your cheeks turning red.

“I’ve always loved you too. I was dumb and stupid for marrying her. I thought you’d never love me and I thought the only thing I could have possibly done was move on.” Bucky lifted your chin up to meet his eyes and softly and slowly, pressed a kiss to your lips.

Your body froze, almost as if you couldn’t believe what was happening. Without thinking, your hands found themselves at his shoulders, your palms touching his prominent collar bones as your skin burned against his. With one quick motion, you pushed him away.

Bucky stepped back, shocked as if he didn’t expect that to happen. He wiped his mouth, the expression on his face made you nauseous with guilt. You knew it had to be done though.

Your blood burned in your veins, you could feel your ears heating up while you took a deep breath, “Did you really think that you could come here out of the blue and do that?” you hopped off of the counter, “because in all honesty, that shit hurt more than it did help. You think I want to be your rebound girl?”

The shock from Bucky’s face was replaced with furrowed brows, “Reboun- what the hell are you talking about? You’re not a rebound?”

“You came here after filing for divorce! What do you want? Do you want sex? Because I’m not here just for that.”

Bucky’s mouth fell agape, “What kind of a man do you think I am?” his voice was much louder than before, “Do YOU think it was nice of you to leave me? Ignore my phone calls and emails, for five fucking years? Our friendship ended, with nothing being said to me! I was oblivious! It took Steve three years to tell me you were in love with me and I had assumed at that point you moved on! So tell me, again, why the fuck you think what you did was okay? I was a mess!”

The nausea became stronger, “I-”

“No! I’m not going to give you time to explain yourself, I love you too! Did I ever think the feelings were reciprocated? No! Because you did such a good job at not letting a single fucking person know what goes on inside your head,” he poked my forehead, “I thought I knew what was happening, so I moved on. Is that somehow my fault because you never told me you loved me?”

“Bucky-”

“So I come here, yes after five years, professing my love for you and what am I met with? Anger?” Bucky paused, as if he was waiting for a response.

You swallowed, “I didn’t know how to work with my feelings so I figured I’d let them be. Leave you to be happy with your new life.”

“Jesus christ, (Y/N), let me kiss you! Please!” Bucky almost cried, his eyes watering with frustration while you struggled internally with things you had masked away behind the facade of happiness for so many years.

You were the one who tried so hard to forget. You knew it was impossible, but pushing your feelings down was the only way that you knew how to cope with the impossible task of forgetting Bucky Barnes.

Slowly, you took a step towards him and pressed a small kiss on top of his quivering lips. You expected a lack luster response, for Bucky to smile and pull away. However, quickly his hands pulled you closer and he inhaled your scent as if it was the last time he was ever going to see you.

You couldn’t breath, but you didn’t care. You were finally in Bucky’s arms and this was something you wanted for so many years.

He lifted you back onto the table and your hands came to his cheeks, your thumb stroking his cheek bone delicately as his tongue slipped its way into your mouth. Before you could process what was happening, he laid you down on your back and hopped onto the table, straddling your thighs and slipping his shirt off of his body.

“Bucky this is unsanitar-”

“(Y/N), shut the fuck up.” He whispered, a grin on his face while his lips met yours once again. It didn’t take long for you to melt back into his touch, his hips grinding on yours.

“Fuck, I’ve wanted this for so long baby. You wouldn’t believe it.” His hardening member pressed into your thigh and you could feel yourself becoming more and more wet by the second.

Suddenly you felt like your chest was being crushed, you pushed Bucky off and stood up from the table. “I- I need a bed.”

Bucky’s chest heaved, “What?”

You grabbed his arm and lead up towards your upstairs apartment, “Fuck me, on a bed.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice.”

You walked up the stairs and felt Bucky’s hands on you the whole time. It didn’t take long for you to start throwing off your clothes and rush to the bedroom.

Before Bucky could take off his boxers, he took a moment to look over your body. You could feel the sense of euphoria he had, his tears were long gone and were replaced with sweat, and love.

In a second he was back on top of you, ripping off your panties and kissing his way down your body. A moan left your mouth as his lips wrapped around each nipple, his hand rubbing his finger on your clit. Of course he knew exactly where it was.

His lips continued trailing down, turning up into a smile as he finally met your heat.

You couldn’t help but let a more primal moan bubble from your throat. There was nothing hotter than seeing Bucky’s face buried in between your legs. Your hands gripped his hair and pulled, resulting in an even bigger moan from him.

“I have wanted to taste you,” he took a breath, kissing your thigh, “since I first laid eyes on you.”

“Then keep doing it.” You motioned for him to continue as you could feel yourself becoming so close. He bit his lip before inserting a finger into your sex, curling it upward while using his tongue to skillfully flick your clit.

Before you knew it, you felt heat rise up from core and your legs shook from around Bucky’s head. “Ah, fuck!” You yelled, crying out Bucky’s name and grinding your hips harshly.

Bucky didn’t give you much time to recover, pressing his cock against your sex before inserting it slowly. So slowly it was almost painful.

Bucky didn’t move for a second, instead soaking in the absolute pleasure that the two of you were receiving after years of repression. His chest collapsed on top of yours, kissing you and biting your lip between his teeth. His hips finally started to move, but he stayed low and as close to you as he possibly could.

Your nails dug harshly into his back and he thrust into you, the speed picking up. His icy blues bore into yours before his lips kissed your neck.

Way too soon, you felt heat build up in your core again. You tightened around him, pushing him over the edge. He fell on the bed beside you, grabbing you close and holding you tightly as you both came down from a long awaited high.

“I think, that was the greatest sex I have ever had in my entire life.” Bucky stated, his face red.

“Ah, not so much stamina for the super soldier, aye?” You teased, noticing how out of breath he was.

“I’ve never felt anything like that before. I had to hold on from cumming while I was eating you out.” He praised, kissing your forehead. You blushed, never really one to be open about these sorts of things.

“There’s more where that came from.” You whispered, leaning up and kissing his lips.

Maybe these last five years were exactly what the two of you needed. Some time apart lead both of you to realize your feelings for each other and inevitably, fate would have you two together.

Sometimes, all love needs is a little time.

#hey yall #sorry it's been so long since i posted a short #i got a new jobbb and i love it but it's got me working graves so #its a mess #anywayyy i hope yall like this #sebastian stan #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky x reader imagine

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saltyslack-toast · 4 years

Text

#Knock The Book 2: The Devil All the Time

WELL, I MADE IT TO THE 2nd BOOK REVIEW OF MINE, MEANS THAT I’M A PASSIONATE AND PERSISTENT BITCH, PERIODT. No actually I’m just bored and got really nothing to do, so here I am making judgmental, invalid and uncritical book review just to ease my guilt for doing nothing at home (just so my mom see me working through my laptop).

Okay The Devil All the Time is actually my first English book. The story of how I got this book as a matter of fact is quite irritating and funny at the same time. My uni friend, she saw this book in a modest book bazaar near her hometown. She was reading the title and the word ‘devil’ just remind her of me, she bought it and just gave it straight to me…... I’m sad but like thankful???

It’s a secondhand and hardcover book but I don’t really mind, considering the fact that the quality is still very nice though, except the worn spots stained all over the cover that make the book looks very old. My friend bought this only for RP 25.000, yes dude you’re not misread this shit, it was THAT CHEAP (whoever sell and own this book before me, I really appreciate it). Although if you want to buy the new one, you can get this book for USD 26.95 which converted in rupiah would be RP 407.500, yeah its cost pretty fancy for broke students like us and I don’t know if the book’s supposed to be available in your local bookstore but I think you can find it in worldwide shipping online store like amazon or any other shop perhaps. The book’s cover illustrate a dying white mutt hanging on the ‘log’ and bunch of cross everywhere, the cover is actually make sense when you read the book. It published in 2011 by doubleday in United States of America. The Author is Donald Ray Pollock, and you can find the sum information about his background written on the cover, but based form the book’s cover you can also check his website in donaldraypollock.com but when I checked, I’m not sure if it’s really his website since it just like pest control website (LMAOO I HAD NO IDEA FR). Anyway,

Let’s go breaking down the book!

“… Too much religion could be as bad as too little, maybe even worse, but moderation was just not in her husband’s nature”

The whole story in this book, basically give you portraits regarding the life of lunatics in the time after WWII. Nope, there is no sums up about the events happened in that moment so chill y’all non-historical enthusiast bitches. This book gonna give you a bizarre experience reading it, the first 10 pages of this book was already psychedelic, I assure that shit. Have you watched Games of Thrones series on HBO? It’s chilling right how Ned Stark, the protagonist of the main series died in the first season???? EXACTLY that was the vibes u got after reading the first chapter and get crazier every time u read forward. By the way, this book embodied 7 chapters and 55 sub-chapters, the chapter in odd and even numbers has 2 different main focuses on each characteristic exist, here I sum it up for you:

On the odd numbers chapters (1, 3, and so on), the central story of these chapters is circling among the family of Willard Russel, his Mom Emma and Uncle Earskell and also those 2 insane peeps Roy Laferty and Theodore. Willard Russel used to be a navy army and a bit skeptical dealing with religion issues just like his uncle, but his mom has always been a devoted worshiper. Willard married to the beautiful and kind-hearted women named Charlotte and they was given a son named Arvin Eugene Russel, everything was normal until Charlotte got sick and Willard gone crazy praying to god for his wife’s recovery and poor little Arvin has to suffer the predicament by his own self. Their stories always give me religious-fanaticism-gloomy vibes (is that even make sense??). Don’t even get me started with the life stories of the two brutes-ass man, Roy Laferty and Theodore they were used to be ‘preacher’ in Emma and young Willard’s Church. Nothing I could say further because it’s gonna be a major spoiler for you, but their stories really giving you insights of how frustration and fanaticism allow people to do something beyond their common sense.

“You remember what I told you the other day?” He asked Arvin

“About the boys on the bus?,”

“Well, that’s what I meant, you just got to pick the right time”

On the even numbers chapters (2, 4, and so on), the main tales is pertaining on the journey of Handerson couple, Carl and Sandy. They were like the Bonnie and Clyde but sad and exploitative version in this book. Carl is a ‘photographer’ and sandy working as a waitress in a café called Wooden Spoon (Which the place where Charlotte used to work as a waitress and the place she met Willard for the first time as well). During summertime they got this ‘ritual’ ((but not in a religious way)) where they drive to different states and give a ride to the hitchhikers found on the way, then Carl forcefully offer them to fuck Sandy for free (HIS OWN WIFE) while he took pictures of them fucking and after that Carl kill them and take all the money those hitchhikers got in their pocket (dude I can’t even judge anything). But to be honest, I’m not a fan of these two characters because they were all so ANNOYING to death. And then there is Bodecker Lee who’s a police and also Sandy’s brother, ok that’s it, I’m not gonna give you any spoilers.

“… He went down the street and sat on a bench in a park the rest of the day thinking about killing himself instead. Something broke in him that day. For the first time he could see that his whole life added up to absolutely nothing…”

You might be confused since there are quite a lot of keen characters in this book but there’s a point where all these bitches are relating to each other, so chill y’all impatient gripe-ass. Overall, the flow of the story is undoubtedly interesting for you to keep going throughout the whole story, because every phase gonna make you wondering about next things happened to them. But, the transitions among every chapters is quite uncomfortable for me, because sometimes when the story has reached its climax there is no resolutions coming to solve the problem immediately, and you’re faced to read the new chapter with a whole different setting and characters so it’s kind of ruining the vibes and emotions the book has made me, but again this just my personal preference so please don’t judge (while everything I did right now is judging inaccurately).

“He realized that he would never preach again, but that was all right. He’d never been much good at it anyway. Most people just wanted to hear the cripple play”

However, what I like the most from this book is the deepening of every character exists is so fascinating, even for just the side or supporting character (for god sake I’m sorry idk what to called a character that isn’t the main one), for example a bus driver in Meade, Ohio which Willard talked to when he was on the way home after the war ended, the narration wrapped and portraits the driver’s life perfectly without make us bored, and there’s still a bunch of interesting narration about the life of the side characters in this book that also as odds and intriguing as the main character’s background (jesus, everything happened and everyone in this book is just so strange and peculiar I swear to god). The story finished in a most tragic-beautiful but still gloomy way, even though it’s quite predictable but still a very good closing for me personally. To be noted, on the way to the end of the story, there will be emerge another asshole priest character named Preston Teagardin, ready to shake you up until you finish the book. But still, let’s said this particular ‘last minute character’ has proving that the author is paying so much attention of how the story ended isn’t leaving any 'rush-made' impression (this shit might confused you I’m sorry my English hasn’t got any better *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign*). # hashtag attention to the detail bro.

Holy crap, that’s the first time I’m almost able to cut all the bullshit I intend to bring it up here.

This book is one of my top 5 books that you have to read once in a life time (although I haven’t discover the other four, omg im sorry y’all). Little information for you that the first time I read this book (yeah I read it for quite few times) is when the campaign of presidential election era, which in Indonesia the religious are pretty sentimental issues, some of the people in my country suddenly became those annoying fanatical preachers, man I can’t stand it. And this book is just precisely relating to that condition and I get to know at least a glance of what the heck odds things happened in their minds, since you know fanaticism and stupidity doesn’t hit only on particular group of religions, race, gender or anything, we can all be stupid and brainless (especially me because I basically have no brain). There probably quite many scenes that is pretty disturbing to read (I don’t know if people could be triggered by it???? But I guess so) so yeah a bit warning. Overall, I genuinely recommend this book for you guys because every element in this book is almost perfect, the storylines, bold characters, and the RARE AND STRANGE AND SENSITIVE topic promote by the author in this novel is totally a BOOM. Don’t worry reading this book not going to give you those agnostic and atheist vibes HAHA chill I still consider myself a devoted Muslim tho (hashtag masyaallah ukthi).

By the way before I wrapped it up, I hear that this book will be made into a netflix film. WELL, of course I’m excited because the casts are so amazing, and I love Netflix adaptation and I enjoy watch movies as much as I read books (again, unnecessary information of mine *sorry hand sign*). I found that the release date is postponed from the origin plan in 15th May (which is three days ago from I posted this on my page) due to I don’t know perhaps corona because that bitch has ruined everyone in the world’s schedule, but for real I can’t find the exact information regarding to the updated release date, so while you wait the film to launch, why don’t you just go read the book first? I assure you this one not gonna give you any disappointment.

I think that would be it for this 2nd rubbish book review of mine. Although, I think I made a little progressive from the first one (OR MAYBE NOT???? I’M SORRY Y’ALL) but of course there’s still much deficiency I served. Still, I hope my writing get better in the process of making this whole novel of reviewing book inaccurately. To be honest, I wrote this shit not for getting any engagements or audience but for my own satisfied HAHA. So yeah I’m literally comfortable writing for nothing. But bitch guess what I’m just gonna keep going, until I could professionally writing and make it for a living? Well, amen for that.

Xiao, See you in Advance!

#book #book quotes #bookaholic #booknerd #book review #the devil all the time #donald ray pollock #religion #review #novel #thriller #psychological #tom holland #robert pattinson #bill skasgård #sebastian stan

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imhereformysciencefriends · 5 years

Text

Day 7: New Life

@gamzeeweek

They set the mug down delicately upon the doily, and leaned back while crossing their legs.

“Again,” they ordered calmly.

“Again, honored one? What do you mean?”

“I mean start it all over. There were some salvageable moments, some decent parts, but honestly? Just scrap the whole thing. Do it all over, from the top.”

“From the—the beginning, honored one? All the way?”

“All the way.”

“But, honored one, that—”

“I know what I’m doing,” they said calmly, taking another sip of their tea. “Now. One more time, with feeling.”

—

You are a wriggler, and you are so, so, so full of love. This screechy ass troll as is ten times your size is your favorite person, ever, in the whole world, and you are going to Climb On Him. He is your best friend, the best ever, you love him so much—

And then it is time for you to go through the portal onto the meteor which crash lands down onto Alternia, and while you don’t know it because you are just a wriggler, the meteor is made of hyper-cushioning materials that prevented you from what would surely otherwise be a disastrous demise. You are at the fringes of the brooding caverns, far from the mouth where wrigglers as went through The Trials emerge to find loving custodians. You are found by a seagoat, who didn’t really want a wriggler, but had to go near-ish the caverns anyway, because of biology. You, of course, do not know this. You just know that this is your lusus, and you love him more than anything else in the entirety of everything ever.

“No, no, that’s no good. Move the meteor so it lands there.”

“Honored one, the adult jadebloods…”

“I know, but we need to take a calculated risk here. Have the meteor land there.”

You go through the portal onto the meteor which crash lands down onto Alternia, and while you don’t know it because you are just a wriggler, the meteor is made of hyper-cushioning materials that prevented you from what would surely otherwise be a disastrous demise. You are just outside the mouth of the brooding caverns, the impact of your landing shaking the caves below. But you do not care, because you are a wriggler. You squeal happily when a tidegoat mouths at the tuft of hair growing between your horns. You chirr happily up at him, and crawl onto his back. You are happy, because you know that this is your lusus, and you love him more than anything else in the entirety of everything ever.

What you do not know, because you are still very new you see, is that a tidegoat is similar to a seagoat in the same way that rabbits are similar to hares. While, outwardly, they look very much alike, with only a difference in size, a seagoat, like a hare, is actually far more terrifying and emotionally unavailable than its smaller counterpart. They are also genetically incompatible. Who knew? Not you. You’re just a little baby.

Tidegoatdad takes very good care of you, showing you how to wade in the tidepools and how to hold a sea urchin without hurting yourself or it, showing you the good places to look for shells and making sure you’re always inside by sunrise. He feeds you seaweed and fish and occasional squirrel, and makes you do your schoolfeeds while he sleeps curled up round your back like Alternia’s most comfortable couch. Sometimes he’ll let you bodypaint on that pretty white fur and flubber of his, even though it always washes off when you two go play in the brine and waves later.

You make a friend with this neat sea-sis, a bright eyed, sharp toothed sister as can’t go much farther than your shore. Her lusus don’t like it none when she strays too far, and you understand. Tidegoatdad can breathe down your neck a little too. But that’s okay, because he’s your lusus, and you know he only does it because he loves you so very motherfucking much. You and fishsis all up and get your friendship on, and she drags her moirail out to meet you too.

That brother is a motherfucking piece of work. Even with the two of you at him, he is still so reluctant to make strides towards being a nicer person. You can’t even imagine what he’d turn out without the both of you, there to keep him in check and in friendship. You do not know that you ain’t supposed to like them. That clowns and fish don’t get along. You are a clown and they are your friends, and you keep ‘em close to your pusher always.

You meet a sweet boy online as does steal your heart, and then break it also. You keep friendship, though, after. His friendship means more to you than his heart ever could, and the two of you spit fire and rhythm as is good and right. You meet a harsh boy as does rankle his hackles at every motherfucking thing, and although you ain’t subtle for shit, he don’t ever seem to notice how you drip diamonds whenever you speak to him.

You’re awful excited to meet them in person. A wicked smart brother and sister of yours are making this game that is supposed to let you meet them and you are all kinds of holy motherfucking gleeful.

—

“See, isn’t this better?”

“It is, honored one. It really, really is. But, I worry, honored one; the plot…”

“Will sort itself out. Keep watching.”

—

The game is more fun than you thought it’d be. It’s definitely upsetting when your lusus dies, that one you didn’t stop crying on until Karkat did come to the Land of Tents and Mirth and talk you down from it. But other than that, it’s fun. You’re on a different team from Feferi and Eridan, except it turns out not really, you were all teammates all along! You think that is a very nice prank for the universe to pull on you. You are on a team with Karkat and Tavros, right from the start, and that is very fun and excellent.

You guess it’s also kind of a bummer that the world ended. But, eh, nothing’s permanent.

Now you’re chilling on this wicked ass motherfucking meteor with all your good friends (and some friends as aren’t too good, just yet, but you look forward to being better friends (and that one chica as scares you something terrible)). A pink-skinned motherfucker as your sniffsis has been up and motherfucking obsessed with lately sends you a link to some motherfuckin’ music video, and as near as you can tell, he’s making mockery of your religion?

You ain’t got super close ties to the mirthful churchful. Especially now, since the world ended. Still, it makes you kinda pissed off that this brother would send you something with sole intention of upsetting you. It worked; you are upset. So you take a walk to clear your head, even though your best bro did tell everyone to stay where he could keep eyes on them. He’s busy trolling… someone, though, and it ain’t like you’re going to get into trouble.

You meander, opening chests here or there as you pass. One has this fugly ass puppet in it. Maybe if you were actually upset, instead of just a lil pissy, you would take this motherfucking comfort item and hold it, and look in its eyes because you want the plush, cottony comfort of something vaguely trolloid, but you aren’t, so you don’t. You just chuck it in your sylladex and forget about it on a colorful capcha card you ain’t ever going to open again. Staring at the pretty colors does calm you down some. You’re thinking clear, again, and meander with a lil kick in your step.

—

“See, honored one? He’s deviating from the plot.”

“Yes,” they said, delightedly pulling a rice cracker from the sleeve. “And thus, creating a new one.”

—

You lose the kick in your step when you encounter upon a collection of cliffs in the meteor. Where you are stands tall above some other pathway, where your sweet motherfuckin’ Tavbro and that bitch as scares you so badly are. She’s mocking him with his severed legs. The legs she did paralyze in the first place. They’re going to fight.

You—

“Give him a little nudge. Just a little one. Gamzee tends to lock up in high adrenaline situations, I don’t want him to be inactive for this.”

“Yes, honored one.”

—move. Your body going seeming without your brain’s consent, at first, but once the first step is made forward, the rest follow natural as blood flowing in your veins.

You drop down from the height, one club grasped in two fronds, and you

take

her

head

clear

off.

She would’ve killed him. She’d had his lance in her hand poised and aimed at his chest. Half a second, less, and she would’ve pierced the bloodpump as you hold as precious and dear as you do. She would’ve killed him.

It don’t make what you did any better.

The tears come immediate, panic following.

You killed her.

You took your club and laid it in the head of a sister whose name you knew! You killed her!

You grasp and tear at your hair, shrieking, wailing. You didn’t mean to, you—god, oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god!

The guilt wells up alongside the panic and you are blind to all else, seeing only blue, blue, blue, and your own bile. You killed her! How could you do that! Her blood is on your hands, on your club, in your hair, soaking into the knees of your pants where you kneel and keen high and distressed through your gurgling tears. You do not know where you are going when Tavros lifts you to your feet with his strong and gentle hands, you do not know where he leads you. Your pan is full of only guilty panic, and the color blue. You follow where he leads.

He leads you to Karkat, back in the common room, who you rush to in the need of a diamond returned. You are sobbing and aching and panicked and vulnerable, and you need him, you need him, you need him to be gentle with you, to gentle you down, you have never needed him more in your life.

It will strike you, later, that that is exactly the kind of romantic bullshit that Karkat motherfucking thrives on.

Eridan, Sollux, and Feferi stop whatever conversation it is that they are having to stare in painful awkwardness at you, which you do not make no notice of, and Kanaya ushers them all to the warp pad out the common room, which you also don’t notice but thank her later for doing. Karkat sits you down in the chair he’d been ignoring for favor of standing to rant on his keyboard, and sits backwards in a chair of his own, right in front of you. He’s got his palms on your cheeks and a crooning shoosh on his lips and he’s got you, he’s got you, you’re going to be okay. He shushes you down and gets the story out of you in sobbing parts. How you hadn’t wanted to. How you’d just acted, angry and protective and somehow all rolled up numb, and how you hadn’t been thinking at all until after the deed itself. He asks if it’s kind of like what you did with the Black King, and you guess, kind of. You hadn’t wanted to kill anybody. Hell, you don’t never want to hurt anybody, much less kill. Karkat knows. He knows, and tells you that this ain’t your fault. Vriska was the one trying to kill Tavros, you were just acting in kind. It’s okay.

Terezi interrupts you, one point. On the trail of something or other, she has that look about her when she’s playing investigator-detective and is on the hunt. Don’t say nothing, though, just takes a picture of you and Karkat, hands on teary cheeks, and leaves with a bright cackle.

You stay with Karkat some while after, and when you ask for a hug he gives you one.

Then your phones buzz and Feferi wants you all to come up to the roof. Some sort of excitement is happening with the horrorterrors out in that far off ring, and there’s something to do with the humans?

Nepeta congratulates you immediately on your new diamond when you get there, looking all atwitter. You think it is real motherfuckin’ miraculous of your sister to know all these things about you without your even telling her, like woah. It just happened. Karkat tells you that the two of you are still holding hands, and then Nepeta tells you that Terezi sent her a photo. You are happy to realize that you are, in motherfucking fact, still holding hands with your best beloved, even as he starts screeching at your sisters who do make to laugh at him, while Equius stares on all uncomfortable and sweaty. He offers his congratulations too, stiff and awkward as that brother is always getting to be, and you smile at him a gratitude for his thoughts.

Tavros is near the lip of the roof, staring out into the vastness and the darkness. You want to go to him, but want to let go of Karkat’s hand less, so you stay put.

When the green sun shows up, and three siblings with it, you are well and truly motherfucking dazzled.

Tavros is there to greet Aradia when she returns to life, and you can taste their joy at their reunion. Dave and Rose, them human fuckers, are here too now, which, sick. You have no idea how that happened, but shit if you ain’t excited about it. More friends.

You lose track of happenings real motherfuckin’ quick after that. A green portal opens and a bucket flies through and hits Karkat straight in the horn, and then a whole bunch of people do a whole bunch of things to make the portal bigger and also faster(??), and then there’s a giant ass golden ship flying alongside the meteor as is moving very quickly, and two more human motherfuckers as can come be friends, plus their human Lands of whatevers and whatevers, so you will be able to play around in them and get grist and fraymotifs and shit so long as Jadesis is up and willing to shrinkify you, and you are very unaware of so many things as happened to make this your reality but you are well and truly happy for it.

Seems to you that everything is going to work out just fine.

—

“This… is really good…”

“Yes,” they said proudly, “yes it is.”

“But, honored one, I’m still confused. With Gamzee, you know, happy, how will the circle complete?”

“That circle was stupid anyway,” they said with a wave of their hand. “We’ll simply close another circle instead.”

“Yes, honored one, but how?”

They shrugged. “We shall have to see, won’t we?”

—

The three human years on the meteor go by in a rush of memories that are both happy and not. Life be like that. You are good friends with all gathered there, by the end of it. Dating five boys in a set of full quadrants and chilling with Feferi as you always used to do, on the beach. Aradia, who Sollux and Tavros and Terezi did convince to stay, likes to braid your hair and take you on adventures through the Lands, John is a hilarious motherfucker and Jade is a sweetheart. You improve on fighting by battling imps, learn new fun things to cook, play board games and FLARP without the fatal part and make piles of horns and pillows and empty soda bottles wherever you do please to.

You also, though, get a visit from a different you. An older you. A you with scars you don’t recognize, and Aradia’s music boxes in his hands.

He tells you that there is a task you must do. And you can do it now, or you can do it later, but you gotta do it. You’ll come back right to this time, when you’re done, Aradia’s music boxes won’t fail you, and then you’ll give them back to him and he’ll go back when he’s from.

So you take them, and do as he tells you he did.

You go to an egg all spiral-colored, watch it hatch and cradle the snake as slithers out.

Cherubs grow fast, you learn. Way, way faster than trolls and humans. It ain’t gradual. It’s sorta… all at once, and then nothing for a while, and then spurt! All at once again. You only get to cradle a baby for a few perigees, most. The child is a little longer, but you’re not there for even a full two sweeps before they surge up into adolescence, which will apparently last many sweeps after this.

You set up the two computers while Callie is awake, and ensure she is and always will be in contact with her friends, the neon colored motherfuckers as you haven’t met yet. You also get her contact with your future self, so she won’t be so lonely and fatherless as you would hate to leave her. But you’re not even an adult yourself, and you wonder at why the universe makes you do this while you are so young.

Caliborn claws you up when you tell him it’s time for you to leave, and you do not give him your future self’s contact. If your future self wants to talk to him, he can come here and update Caliborn’s computer his own motherfucking self.

You do love him, though. Bratty as he may be.

Just… you’ll love him more in memory.

You leave, just out of their reach, the keys that your older self gave to you when he handed you the music boxes. You dunno what they��re for, but whichever one of them leaves this place will have something to do with them, you think?

You hug Callie one last time, and head out.

Back on the meteor, you are so, so, so happy to see your friends again. To them, you weren’t even gone a whole hour, but you have not seen them in some sweeps and you have missed them terribly. But this is your role, you guess, like seeing dead bodies is Dave’s, or wrecking reality is Rose’s, or being really cool is Terezi’s.

You don’t let Karkat go for a motherfucking week, purrbox up and running the whole while.

When you do arrive in the new session, everything goes sideways so fast you’d be real motherfuckin impressed if you weren’t one of the things going sideways. Still, between the… how many of you are there? 18? 19? Somewhere ‘round 20 of you, you get it figured out. You don’t wanna really fight any bosses, so you get to chill with the Mayor, who you are all in pretty collective agreement is the best, and Callie! Who’s here! And wearing a ring she got from Roxy, who is a very nice girl who you approve of very much! You hug Callie very tightly and she tells you how much she’s missed you. You’ve missed her too, for all it hasn’t even been a perigee on your end, and the three of you sit and chat (mostly, Callie tells you about her life since you’ve left, and you listen). You’re there when the Mayor’s girlfriend arrives, and she is a very scary lady who you respect a lot.

A lot of things happen all at once, shortly thereafter. All the bosses are defeated, and a lot of people are fraymotifing, and then Feferi and Terezi bring Vriska back to life, and Terezi punches her straight in the face and shouts some seriously pitch black inches at her, and Vriska… changed, when she died. She apologizes and everything, swears to be better, for Terezi, for everyone, and you do not know what is going on there, but hey, if killing her was what it took for her to be a good person, then, you guess you’re almost glad you did…?

That one guilt had been the single worst part of all these last three years, for you. Something as haunted you eternal, no matter how much you jammed with Karkat about it, no matter how all your friends forgave you of it. But to see that in the end, it was for the best, well. You are finally able to let that go.

There are many people on the lily pad. You are one. And you, collectively, have won.

You go through the door, and you obtain your happy ending.

—

“....”

“Dear, are you crying?” they asked gently.

“Yes, honored one. I, I’m just, so happy. He deserves this. They all do.”

“They do,” they agreed, smiling warmly. “Now, how about a soft epilogue?”

—

You’ve been god of this new universe for two sweeps, or four years. Aradia does a lot of time shenanigans, while Dave don’t touch time shit no more. Kanaya likes to meddle and fuss with the past, with the Mayor’s help, and a democratic, socialist society rises up with their efforts and everyone all lives together in joy and happiness. Sometimes people try to sorta… fence themselves off by species, but that is a very dumb and silly thing to try and do, and it never actually keeps at that way for longer than a year or sweep.

You are happily retired from all fighting and magic Rage bullshit, and spend your days happily with your quads and daughter, who is now the same age as you, pretty much. Callie hands you the keys you left her brother and her, at one point, and you borrow Aradia’s boxes and head back to your younger self, since you gotta complete that circle, and a bunch of other circles that you had no idea you actually played a part in. Apparently you’re a pretty involved dude, for all you feel you don’t do a terrible lot. Lots of moving pieces out of your awareness. But that’s fine, that you’re just a domino in a line, you’re happy to be, because what you do sparks a deep joy in you, and you can’t imagine your life going any different from how it’s going now. When you return to your time and retirement, you’re happy to see past!Callie as a contact, and strike up correspondence with your daughter who isn’t the same age as you.

Rose starts up talk with John on going back in time and fighting Lord English when he is young—

“Mm, yes, this is exactly the sort of nonsense that simply will not fly. John doesn’t have retcon powers since there was nothing to retcon, which means the house juju has been successfully removed from the narrative. We cannot be having this.”

‘Yes, honored one. Oh, how about this?”

—and a little protective curl of Rage flickers up in the part of your soul that is magic. You tell them that Lord English might be a bitch and a bastard, but the little one is still only just Caliborn. And Caliborn, for all the scars he gave you and the headaches as didn’t fade for hours after he went to sleep, is still your child, even as you know he is your child that grows up cruel and perverse and pure, straight up, motherfucking evil. They leave him be.

“Oh perfect, well done!”

After that, there is… nothing. No more Game nonsense, no imps or demons or gods. Just you, and the family as isn’t yours by any blood or relation, but is your motherfucking family, by choice and emotion and deep, unwavering love.

You are an adult, and you are so, so, so full of love.

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a-damson-in-distress · 5 years

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Havoc - Chapter 2

Pairing: SasuSaku

Plot: Sasuke knew people were still afraid of the club and especially of its Sergeant at Arms – and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He had been untouchable then and still was now. Indeed, there was nothing and no one in this world that Sasuke Uchiha feared. Except Sakura fucking Haruno. Biker AU.

Note: So hi everybody, I’m also continuing my SasuSaku fanfic after it’s been pronounced dead by my year-long absence *coughs awkwardly* sorry about that. Anyway, I really hope you like the new chapter. I’ve got a few great ideas for this story and depending on your responses, I might just try and finish it. So please let me know if you liked it and if you want me to continue it. My main story is still going to be From Dusk Till Dawn (MadaSaku, check it out if you’re into that pairing too), so Havoc will remain a side project for now, unless you convince me otherwise ;) Enjoy!

PS: If you want to read the first chapter, or maybe read it again, because it’s been ages since this story has been posted and you probably forgot what’s going on, you’re going to have to scroll through my blog to get to it. Unfortunately, I can’t post a link to it here, because this way this chapter doesn’t show up under any of the tags. So I had to take out the link to even make this post visible to you guys. Really sorry about that, if anybody knows how to bypass this shit (because it happened to my FDTD chapter, too), I’d be happy if you could help me. :)

Sasuke watched her deliciously bend over the pool table, left hand steadying the cue and right arm drawn back to aim for the white ball. He had to supress a groan threatening to escape his throat at the sight of her tight black jeans stretching over her ass.

God have mercy on him, that woman was still a fine piece of machinery.

He knew he wasn’t the only bastard here ogling the President’s daughter, but at least he had the decency to be subtle about it. Letting his gaze roam around the dimly-lit and packed room of his favourite biker bar, he noticed with a growing rage the many dirty looks and even dirtier gestures thrown her way. Moose’s was not only frequented by the Havoc, but by bikers from other MCs from the region as well. Bikers, who didn’t know about the Havoc’s well-guarded secret in the form of a very enticing, very off-limits pink-haired bombshell. Bikers, who weren’t familiar with the feeling of Sasuke’s foot up their asses – something he was gleefully looking forward to doing should those fuckers not stop drooling like some teenage boys who discovered their dicks for the first time.

Taking a sip of his beer in a feeble attempt to calm his nerves, he watched Sakura throw her head back in laughter at something funny Ino said. As she was rising from her bent-over position, her tiny tank top rose as well, exposing her taut bare midriff. She had borrowed one of her friend’s Black Sabbath tops, because she didn’t want to stick out with her fancy white cashmere turtleneck sweater in a run-down biker bar where one half is clad in dark leather and the other half is basically not clad at all. He would have laughed at the image she was presenting – a delicate, graceful princess in a Black Sabbath shirt – were it not for the fact that he knew Sakura was a die-hard Rock fan.

And by God, she was every bit his dream girl now as she was at seventeen.

Right after she rained down on her dad and him to properly tear the both of them a new one a few hours ago, they convened an emergency church to deal with the clusterfuck one of their latest prospects had dug the club into. As it turned out, the little fucker thought it would be a sneaky idea to hide the small bags of drugs between book pages in Konoha’s smallest, most inconspicuous book shop, tell his customers which books to look out for, and earn some cash on the side that way that nobody would ever have found out about. Were it not for the fact that that tiny little book shop belonged to the President’s daughter, who immediately went and re-introduced the Havoc’s Sergeant at Arms to the soft feeling of her hand slapping the everloving shit out of him.

Despite the fact that the boss tried his best to calm her down and reassure her the club would take care of everything, Sakura stuck around. She made it more than clear that she didn’t trust Sasuke with this matter, especially since she was personally involved. She wanted to make sure there were consequences. So Kakashi invited her to stay for the night and catch up with some old friends before dealing with the poor bastard.

Fast forward a few hours and you had a royally pissed off Sasuke sitting at Moose’s staring daggers into the bikers ogling Sakura’s fine ass. “Bro, you grip that beer bottle any tighter and it’ll burst into a hundred pieces. Pretty sure you don’t want an injured hand for the things you’re gonna do tonight.” Sasuke noticed a shock of blonde hair enter his field of vision and his annoyance immediately went up a notch. “Please, I could beat the crap out of that lil cockroach even when I’m drunk off my ass and with my hands tied behind my back.”

“Probably. But you should still loosen that death grip. Might make some people wonder what makes you so angry,” Naruto cautioned while shooting him a pointed look.

“Drop it,” Sasuke growled threateningly.

Naruto sighed in frustration and leaned back. “Look, man, I know you’ve got history with her and everything, but you gotta stop acting like some brooding love-sick puppy who’s still hung up on his ex-girlfriend if you –“

“She was never my girlfriend.”

“Whatever, dude. My point is, if you really wanna make it up to her, then you’ve gotta stop sulking in the shadows, wondering from afar what could have been. This is your chance, man! She always stays away from the club, but now she’s here, and you have the chance to talk to her and sort that shit out between you two.”

Naruto watched his best friend drop his gaze from the woman in question to the beer bottle in his hand. This had always been Sasuke’s reaction to all things Sakura: silence. Ever since shit had hit the fan between the two seven years ago, the raven-haired biker refused to talk about the brief time he spent with her. The few times they had seen each other in between, there was nothing but reserved silence and awkward glances.

Naruto sometimes couldn’t believe how utterly dumb his best friend was. Sasuke was incredibly fearless and one of the meanest motherfuckers he had ever met. But when it came to Sakura, his guilty conscience left him a pathetic heap of surly misery. It was sad to watch, really.

“Look, Sasuke… I have no fucking clue what exactly went down between you two, but it’s been eating at you for seven fucking years. Whenever you see her, you become this… this sad little… blob of… I don’t know man, sadness I guess and –“

“You sure have a way with words.”

“It’s just so pathetic, bro. I mean, I can clearly see your eyes tearing up, your nose is getting all red and snotty and –“

“Is that supposed to cheer me up now?”

“Ugh, it’s nasty. And when you start crying, you make all these miserable little noises and –“

“Naruto.”

“You know, snot everywhere.“

“That’s enough.”

“Just… disgusting, really.”

Naruto mentally patted himself on the shoulder when he saw the tiniest hint of a smirk on Sasuke’s otherwise sullen face. Pleased with his execution of a manly encouragement that consisted of straight-up insulting his best friend in order to cheer him up, he leaned forward again, so only Sasuke could hear him.

“Jokes aside, man, I know this shit between you two has been weighin’ on ya. And you think you’re doing the both of you a favour by staying away from her, but you’re not, because it’s obvious that she’s got as much unfinished business with you as you’ve got with her. Otherwise she wouldn’t hold a grudge. You gotta clear the air at some point, because she’s fucking family and you don’t ignore family. So you might as well do it now.”

Naruto took a hold of his beer bottle and moved out of the booth. Before turning to the bar, he slapped his right hand on his best friend’s left shoulder. “But you know, that’s just my two cents. What do I know about love and relationships? I’ve only been happily married for five years now.”

Sasuke just grunted in response and lifted his bottle to his lips to take another sip. He let his eyes find Sakura again and mulled over what Naruto said. He might have been right about a few things. He was definitely right about them finally needing to stop dancing around each other and sit down and have a proper heart-to-heart.

But there was one thing Naruto was without a doubt wrong about: there was absolutely nothing about his clusterfuck of a relationship with Sakura that had anything to do with love.

Instead, it had everything to do with the fact that he had smashed her heart to smithereens on the night of her eighteenth birthday and effectively shut the door on any romance they might have had a shot at, sealing it with a hundred padlocks and nailing it down with wooden boards for good measure.

“He’s been staring at you all night.”

Sakura couldn’t help but roll her eyes at the blonde. She moved around the pool table to determine the angle of her next shot, when she heard Ino’s voice right next to her ear.

“Come on, you know he still has the hots for you, right?”

“Bullshit he still has the hots for me!”

“Aha!” Sakura found herself at the other end of Ino’s accusing finger pointed directly at her face. “I knew that would get your attention. You like thinking Sasuke’s still into you, don’t you?” Sakura resisted the urge to swipe off Ino’s perfectly made eyebrows that were wiggling so hard they were threatening to shoot out of her face.

“Don’t be ridiculous, that has got nothing to do with it. I just find it absurd that the big, bad, cold-hearted Sasuke Uchiha would still think about something that happened seven fucking years ago.”

Ino cocked her head to the side and looked at Sakura with a knowing smile. “But you still think about it.”

Sakura’s shoulders slumped as she exhaled in annoyance. “I’m not talking about it, alright?”

“Look, forehead, I know what he did was terrible, but I also know Sasuke and I know that he’s actually a pretty good guy beneath all that brooding Batman bullshit. I genuinely think that he regrets what he did back then. I mean, he did try to confront you about it several times, but you were the one who shut him down. Why don’t you just let him say what he has to say, let him apologise, and then move on. You might pretend like you’re over that whole thing, but I know what you really want is some closure.”

Sakura sighed in frustration and blew a hair out of her face. She was just about to throw some witty remark back at Ino, when she noticed several bikers move through the crowd at Moose’s. The Havocs were leaving, which was her cue to do the same.

She felt Ino’s hands grab her shoulders and turn Sakura towards her. “Just think about it, alright? You’ll be here for the whole weekend, so this would be the perfect opportunity to finally get this shit over with, which I know is what you actually wanna do instead of ogle his rock-hard abs when you think I’m not looking. Yeah, don’t roll your eyes at me, missy, don’t think I don’t notice these things. Now you go and have fun tonight. But don’t rough him up too bad.”

With a secretive wink, Ino headed for the bar, leaving Sakura alone at the pool table. Just as she was about to turn around and head for the exit herself, she was met with the sight of a seriously pissed off Sasuke who fixed his determined gaze on her.

She watched the muscles in his upper arm flex enticingly as he raised his right hand to his lips to take the cigarette out of his mouth. The smoke was floating out of his inviting lips as they moved to form words that barely reached her sex-starved brain. All Sakura heard was his rumbling growl.

“It’s time.”

The cold air outside of Moose’s did little to clear Sasuke’s head. He was still on the fence about if and how he should approach Sakura. But he’d have to postpone wracking his brain, because the Havocs were gearing up to take care of that lil dipshit who dared to cross the President’s daughter.

“Where’s daddy?”

He whipped his head around to see Sakura trailing right behind him, zipping up that tiny little leather jacket he couldn’t believe still fit her curves.

“Waiting for us at the warehouse.”

The rumbling of his brothers’ Harleys enveloped them as Sasuke watched some of them leave Moose’s lot. He headed for his V-Rod Muscle and grabbed his jet-black helmet with the name of his bike – War Hog – spray painted on the back in silver and scarlet letters. He was just about to put it on when he felt a presence behind him and turned around, only to be met with the sight of a very annoyed Sakura looking up at him expectantly.

“You ridin’ with me?”

His eyes noted the rise of her perfectly sculpted eyebrow before she spoke, “You got a problem with that?”

There it was again, that feeling of unease that spread in his stomach whenever she pinned him with that scrutinising gaze of hers. “No, just figured you’d rather ride with Naruto. Or anybody else, for that matter.”

“Well the others are already gone, and Naruto said he needed the extra space to secure his bag of torture instruments or whatever.”

Sasuke immediately knew that was bullshit, there was no bag on the back of Naruto’s bike. The Havocs weren’t going to torture the poor bastard. It was just going to be a little slap on the wrist, really.

“Alright, you’re riding with me. Here, put this on,” he grumbled while handing her his helmet and reaching for his spare one.

Sakura looked at the round object in her hands as if it just sprouted a head and started talking to her. At the sight of her disgusted look, Sasuke let out an exasperated sigh. “What, woman?”

“You’re giving me the helmet that has the word hog spray painted on it in big fat letters? Real tactful, Sasuke.”

He couldn’t supress the smirk that was dangling on the edge of his lips. “I can recall a few even naughtier words I used to call you.” His smirk widened when he saw a faint blush taint her cheeks. Sakura scoffed and rolled her eyes in an overly dramatic fashion. “Oh yeah, now that I think about it, I remember you doing that eye rolling thing a lot, too. Only they usually rolled into the back of your head whenever I –“

“Okay, thank you, that’s enough. I’m putting on the helmet now, I can’t hear you.”

A triumphant grin graced his features at the sight of his dream girl wearing his helmet.

“Good girl.”

Sasuke ignored the look Sakura was shooting him, put on his spare helmet while straddling his bike and waited for Sakura to do the same. When he felt her soft curves press against his back and her arms circle around his waist, he let War Hog roar to life.

He turned his head slightly, so she could hear him better over the rumbling of his engine and asked, “You ready?”

She nodded in confirmation. “Hit the road, Sergeant.”

Sasuke took her left hand into his own, pulled her arm tighter around his torso, and gave her a little squeeze. “You hold on tight, sweetheart.”

He could still hear her scoff behind him. “I was practically raised on a bike, I’ll be fine. This is no big deal.”

Lowering the visor on both their helmets, Sasuke took off and left Moose’s parking lot. The cool breeze around him and the low rumbling beneath him he felt whenever he rode his bike always had a calming influence on his often raging mind. This time, it was different though. This time, he had Sakura pressed against his back again for the first time in seven years.

And even though she might have claimed riding with him was no big deal, her tight grip on his waist and the way she leaned her head against his shoulders told him a different story.

#naruto #naruto fanfiction #sasusaku #sasusaku fanfic #sakusasu #Sakura Haruno #Sasuke Uchiha #sakura uchiha #sakura haruno fanfic #sasuke uchiha fanfic

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prismatic-bell · 6 years

Text

We could all use a little positivity and after the con my dash is going to devolve into All Hozier All The Time for a few weeks so

let me present TEN REASONS I LOVE HOZIER AND YOU SHOULD TOO

(These aren’t in any particular order I just like numbered lists)

(okay that’s a lie #1 deserves to be #1)

(The rest aren’t in any particular order though)

10) Pretty smile. Like, not actually physically that pretty ‘cause he has very big teeth, but when he smiles he just looks giddy and it’s the kind of “I am super happy and would like you to be happy also” ray of sunbeam smile you can’t help smiling back at and it makes it pretty like literally he’s just a good person and when he smiles it shows

9) Music that still feels applicable after your 25th birthday, like if you are still a youngling you do not know this feeling yet but there will come a day you turn on the radio and hear about dancing all night long and go “fuck that if I don’t sleep I’ll never get through work” and in this, your darkest hour, Hozier will come to you, singing words of wisdom, “take me to church”

8) Also hella sexy music that isn’t gross and objectifying and sometimes it’s just cute? Like literally Jackie and Wilson is “pretty girl in a bar! OMG she looks so nice, I just want her to pet my hair and get married and--oh, shit, I should’ve paid more attention, she’s left already.” This kind of adorable bullshit is why he gets called an honorary lesbian and frankly deserves the title (I am also this daydreamy and useless at asking for girls’ numbers it’s like some kind of queer law)

7) Got mad enough about women’s reproductive rights in Ireland that he literally showed up to a rally carrying a picket sign and a guitar (what kind of fucking hippie bullshit) so he could both picket and sing about how women deserve reproductive autonomy

6) Actually extremely on top of human rights, he is not the activist we deserve but he is the activist we need

5) Hair goals

4) Wrote a song about what happens to your body after you die and somehow made the whole thing sound really sweet and romantic and peaceful instead of gross

3) Actual sassmaster but has no idea how to handle compliments so he just kind of laughs and tries to change the subject

2) I defy anyone to listen to Like Real People Do and not just want to curl up with a mug of something good and a special somebody, or possibly a very good fanfiction

1) Called out every single fuckboy on the internet for whining that mandatory consent “isn’t sexy” because if your girl isn’t so into it she’s basically throwing consent at you at full speed, you’re probably bad in bed, because he was irritated at people saying that if you have to ask for consent it ruins the mood. In other words: SOMETHING ALL LESBIANS KNOW AND MORE DUDES COULD LEARN

(I’m still not over this)

(like)

(What a way to shatter the bro code with a fucking sledgehammer)

(Just)

(”Lads I’m afraid you may not be doing this right”)

(Y I K E S)

(he has no time and patience for your lack of time and patience for enthusiastic consent)

(And he’ll tell you about it)

There you have it

Ten reasons I love Hozier

AND YOU SHOULD TOO

#nina blogs hozier #hozier #what the hell I'll throw it in the main tag #I bet other fans will appreciate it

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mugiwarayoshi · 6 years

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City Folk Story Time

You guys remember that Wii Speak attachment that only worked for Animal Crossing City Folk? It let you talk with anyone when you visited their towns, even if they didn’t have the accessory. And let me tell ya, I remember all sorts of bizarre stories from when I was younger.

-There was the time I met a sports dad who bought the Wii Speak for Smash Bros Brawl but it didn’t work for that game and he constantly reminded us how he bought City Folk for his daughter. -There was the time I visited a town where the player clearly time traveled in order to get fish and bugs that were seasonal exclusives. The planets must have lined up or something cause I was on a rare fishing streak. The owner of the town would only respond to me with

“...”

He then later deleted me off his friends list.

-There was the time I met these two players who were in a long distance relationship and they were going on and on about how in love they were. They were also both like 14. So they planned to role play this entire wedding sequence that would take place in one of their homes and they wanted me to be the minister. Keep in mind I just met these people and they planned to do it at precisely eight in the morning the very next day. Naturally, I slept through the whole thing cause I wasn’t getting up for that bullshit and never saw them again. I’m just gonna assume they’re still waiting for me to this day.

However, nothing will top the Golden Roses story. -Once upon a time I met this kid named Preston, we were around the same age but his voice was way softer than mine. Preston went and made his entire house into a church. I hacked my Wii so I could enable cheats and have infinite bells because fuck earning money in City Folk. I liked giving players money and he was excited to expand his church again. He was very religious but a super nice kid.

Then comes Justin.

Apparently, Preston and Justin were online buddies before I met them. Justin’s voice sounded a lot like a kid who just started puberty, so it was voice crack city. We all became animal crossing pals and frequented each other’s towns. Justin’s town had managed to get some golden roses, which are only possible to get if you had a golden watering can and if you used it on wilting black roses. Everything was cool until one fateful day when I went to visit Justin’s town. Thanks to the power of Wii Speak, I was able to enter the town right in the middle of a heated argument. I walk up to them and I’m like “Guys what’s going on?”

Trust me when I say, you have not lived until you hear a screechy prepubescent kid scream “He stole my gOlDeN ROSES!!!!” Preston was trying to calm him down and reassure him that he didn’t steal any roses but Justin was not fucking having it. The truth was, Preston really didn’t steal anything. But this was during the early days of Nintendo Wi-Fi and if you’ve never experienced it then consider yourself lucky. Basically, if you were in someone else’s town in City Folk, you would see some connection weirdness. Sometimes you would see characters running through cliffs or walking through lakes because the Wi-Fi is trying it’s hardest to make sure that the connection is stable. What had actually happened was that at one point Preston went to pick up something he dropped and it just happened to look like he was reaching for the golden roses.

So I try to mediate the situation by giving them each a million bells to make up. This only kept them pissed but now they had money. Eventually, Justin flips his shit and starts telling his inner circle of animal crossing friends to not trust him because he’s a thief. Now I don’t know how much influence Justin actually had because apparently Preston lost almost every friend on his friends list. I guess he was hot shit on the GameFAQs City Folk boards or something. I visited Preston’s town a few more times after that day until eventually he stopped playing altogether. I genuinely felt bad for him because he didn’t do anything wrong.

If Animal Crossing Switch uses that voice app all I’m gonna say is get fucking ready cause people do not fuck around when it comes to Animal Crossing.

#animal crossing #city folk #new leaf #animal crossing switch #nintendo

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problematicthoughtsandsonglyrics · 5 years

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Part two

-“I swear if you pour that water on your corndog I’m gonna kill myself”

-“The powder works so much better”

-“Ah. Ah. Don’t make a lot of noise” (wish I remembered context for this one)

-“He’s going to smite me during second period”

“You’re going to get smitten bro”

-“I’m going to aggressively Gangnam style to Africa”

-“Wow, I don’t remember drinking this much water, ever”

-“I look like I’m walking like a godforsaken penguin”

-“All liberals are suicidal”

-“My dad is a giant teddy bear. Her dad, on the other hand, is who you should be scared of”

-“If my dad wanted to hide a body you’d never find it”

-“There are so many hoes at this school. That’s all I have to say to you”

-“I’m getting a headache where’s my chocolate”

-“Skinny banana? Don’t you mean Jacob’s penis?”

-“Wait let me write something” *proceeds to write Osama Bin Laden under religious leaders*

-“Well what happens if he makes a sandwich out of your body?”

“That’s cannibalism. But cannibalism will solve overpopulation and world hunger”

-“Last time I had a banana I realized you could stick a straw in it and blow and it makes the banana warm”

-“I can’t find the furry mask”

-“I want a Lightning McQueen waffle maker”

-“I need to download a Disney XD wallpaper right now”

-“Life’s not easy being green”

-“I’m gonna run Mr Woodfield up on my dick”

-“I have a new conditioner... I mean follower”

-“We should all get lockets and put a picture of Shaggy in them”

-“Kind of like when a car passes by you really fast and makes this noise” (he did the nyoom sound)

-“You should be a car Mr Childress”

-“Get that finance over here. Let me get. That. Tax.”

-“I wanna go home and eat ratatouille right now”

-“I don’t have a nice face so that leaves one thing. My ass”

-“Ben Shapiro is gonna kill all the liberals”

-“I made a fucky wucky, my bad”

-“No, dude, he would hear us cursing in the hallway at top volume and never said anything”

-“You know what Maddy? I don’t like you anymore. I don’t want to be friends anymore”

-“Maybe if you burn in the fires of hell all the alcohol will burn too”

-“Spreading the diabetes, one marshmallow at a time”

-“At least you got to preform in front of Colonel Sanders”

-“Who’s pet is she?”

-“Everybody gets Kraft Singles, on me”

-“I’ve been scarred for life so much it feels more like a tickling sensation”

-“No one wants to touch you!”

-“It’s less like a rape and more like a gangbang”

-“There is no leader we’re all submissive runts”

-“Temporary joy, permanent pain”

-“Heteronormativity can eat my ass”

-“So what should we have overlapping heterosexuality?”

-“Just because my voice sounds like a man doesn’t mean I am one”

-“I wasn’t expecting a sip of vodka at 7:40 in the morning”

-“If you can’t do it then the best way to go is: don’t do it”

-“If anything, you’re in the way of the wine”

-“I mean, if the Catholic Church had done it right, we would have communism”

-“He is the straightest gay man I know”

-“The last time I had orange juice, I think you guys let me have a mimosa”

-“Your jacket makes you a big blob”

-“You’re like Cetaphil moisturizer because you make me wet”

-“I wish I was as bomb diggity as Beyoncé”

-“My ice cream is crunchy”

-“Quick question, how do you lose a banana?”

-“I’m really confused, yet oddly aroused. Is this normal?”

-“What kind of damn Gucci dogs come here?” (talking about a place with $60 dog food)

-“Your knees look ripe for sucking”

-“Weenus penis suck my kneeus” (they said this in unison while doing the sign of the cross)

-“And my cat’s name is Crazy”

-“If I could drown in applesauce that would be nice”

-”Why do heroin when you can have garlic bread injected directly into your veins?”

-”It’s red ribbon week for the horns. Say no to crack”

-”Oh my god I’m so hungry right now, I should’ve brought my sushi”

-”Where is this man’s penis?”

-”Wait a minute, if a guy masturbates that means he’s using his dick more often, so why doesn’t it grow?”

-”Someone say something smart cause I can’t”

-”Does anyone here have self confidence?”

-”Hello small child. What’s it like having a high voice and ambitions?”

-”I walked over here and thought she was trying to be 21 Savage”

-”Oh my god are you worshipping the antichrist?”

-”See, I know a lot about North Korea because I plan to take it over”

-”Which sounds like a lesbian affair, but it’s not”

-”My mom can spot my hair on the ground and sniff me out”

-”Goddammit. Who is you?”

“Logic would dictate that I answer no”

“It’s machete time baby”

“I have to protect it as if it were my nutsack”

“If you don’t appreciate that, you’re wrong”

-”Your elbow is a bone it can’t be muscular”

-”San Angelo ain’t hell but you can see it”

-”There’s only two things to invest in. Paintings and land cause they aren’t making any more of it”

-”Cats need to be in the center of a pentagram”

-”If you get bored, drink”

-”They put an homage to blind people. Not like they’re gonna see it”

-”If you don’t have your green card you’re gonna get dimma-deported”

-”Why is the uncle taking pictures but keeping the camera for himself?”

-”My body is going to start physically rejecting fruit snacks”

-”I would wear a Wonder Woman costume to school”

-”I don’t know the first thing about anime”

-”I don’t know why my first thought was ‘cheese stick’”

-”DA DA DA is not the most exciting thing you’ve played! Shut up!

-”On the eighth day, God created trombones”

-”It smells like cheese in the microwave”

-”I wonder what would happen if I ate powdered pancake mix”

-”I guess I didn’t breast feed her long enough”

-”Hey kid, there’s a hotspot in the van”

-”That’s not going to be good for anything. My waist line or my budget”

-”I’ve had to pee four times. It’s noon”

-”Sword swallowers are the best deep throaters”

-”I don’t know where my socks went”

-”Maybe if you wore pants your legs wouldn’t be cold”

-”You could take a survey of everyone in this whole school and they’d say that Minecraft is a culture”

-”Yeah I would fake a broken arm if it would get me out of testing”

-”Can I have a spicy roll of corn?”

-”Where’s my Asian?”

-”I baked a fucking birthday cake last night”

-”It’s been christened. Christened by ass”

-”I’ve eaten so many expired tortillas my body’s probably used to it”

-”Broccoli and hard drugs are two different things”

-”You’re like the bitch whisperer”

-”Dominance wasn’t established until the later years, but it was effective nonetheless”

-”Is uber a country?”

-”I think I’m good. It’s like dusting off the scent of another woman”

-”You’re under arrest, if you really want to be”

-”I get drunk and I spend money”

-”No honey, that’s heartless. I can still be a caring racist”

-”Are big boy gains genetic?”

-”Wait so he moved the infinity gauntlet from his hand to his dick? What the literal fuck?”

-”If I get a chair with wheels, then I win”

-”I was looking up Foghat on ancestry.com”

-”We all know the more alcohol you consume, the more insightful you become”

-”I’ve had enough experiences in wineries and breweries to last me a lifetime, and I’m only nine”

-”Innuendos and Speedos: his story”

-”You have sobriety on your side”

-”You spilled beer on the Scrabble board”

-”How many times do I tell you, we don’t listen to the retarded kids in school”

-”Furries can enjoy shitposting also”

-”Slow songs make me cry”

-”The resistor is your ass”

-”God dangit there’s a freakin egg in my boot”

-”Oh, Liberia. I know that from the vine”

-”Screaming is kid friendly”

-”Textual evidence states that that’s bullshit”

-”I’m on an emotional high and I’ll crash four hours later”

-”Yeah I got these yesterday and they’re already looking scuffed”

-”Yeah there’s always at least one cocky bastard”

-”All I need to know is how much a coat hanger costs”

-”I kept thinking Europe was a state”

-”I am a handy woman”

-”Oh my fucking god there’s communist Superman. I kind of love that”

-”Why is dog a gender?”

-”I will flood your mucus membranes with urine”

-”Does that mean it’s violent masturbation?”

-”Flex seal is the only 100% effective contraception”

-”It’s like telling someone not to do drugs while sniffing crack”

-”I like my men like I like my apples: red”

-”I invade the percussion’s privacy and pretend I’m one of them”

-”Are you calling my lap dances mediocre?”

-”Don’t even talk to me if you haven’t made out with a Frenchman”

#random #quotes #quotation #funny #humor #self deprecating humor

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mystic-scripture · 6 years

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New Fic: Rough Riding (Sons of Anarchy)

Chapter 1

Wattpad | FF.net

Chapter 1: Welcome to Charming

California highways were always the best for long drives, especially to motorcyclists. The long stretch of road seemed endless, the wind playing across the rider’s face and tangling poorly prepared hair. The power of the bike vibrating through the very fiber of their being, there is no losing the sense of danger that teases at them flirtatiously as they ride faster, harder, and on more twists and turns than they ever dared before. Unless it was a drive to clear one’s mind, you’ll find a smile hidden behind the eyes of any rider, unless they have shades on to hide their joy from you. Hidden behind the badass biker scowl there is always a joy for the ride.

At least that was the feeling for the woman, her brother and her friend. Two of whom were trapped in a van that held their bikes along with supplies belonging to the third boldly speeding ahead of them on his own Dyna. Both girls glared at him, wanting to have the cool night air skim across their skin and not deal with the stuffy rental that smelled of gas station sushi and the aftermath of such bad decisions. They had been in the car for so long that they’d gotten used to it, but every pit stop they were slapped with the putrid odor while Tank rode freely, his wavy, shoulder length hair billowing behind them as he stupidly rode sans a helmet. A further insult to the girls and how they were trapped.

“We better get there soon.” The passenger grumbled, her youthful, pixie-like face hardening with her frown and her pool water blue eyes hardening at the tanned figure in front of them. “Or I’m stealing his Dyna at the next stop.”

A brief and rough snort escaped the driver’s throat as she tried to imagine it. “I’d pay money to see that, not gonna lie. You know Tank won’t go easy on you because you’re a girl.”

“I can take him.” Came the defense with a seemingly indifferent bob of the shoulders.

“Ren, he’s got a foot and I’m pretty sure a little more than a hundred-fifty pounds on you.” A fuller bottom lip pushed past it’s top lip in a concern pout. “He also has, ya know… a rep when it comes to fist fights.”

“You say that like we don’t either.” Thin lips pulled upwards mischievously, Siren’s voice still unaffected. “Besides, I was our Sergeant at Arms, wasn’t I? Thanks for The lack of faith, Vix.”

Vixen Tirado let out a tired sigh, running her hand through a mess of chestnut brown hair. She new perfectly well how capable the raven haired girl was. Her rail-rod thin frame mixed with her youthful face and short stature made it easy for people to underestimate her. No, Vix knew better, but she also knew her brother; he wasn’t named ‘Tank’ for no reason. After a moment of careful thought, not wanting to insult the only female she’d opened up to, she let out a small sigh with an airier laugh this time.

“I mean he does lack the agility and reflexes that you do.” She offered a sidelong glance at the girl smirking next to her. “But if anybody is gonna knock my bro on his ass, it’s gonna be me.”

Both women laughed at that, Siren fully aware of the sibling rivalry that was known to get physical. Vix was never a tomboy, nor was she a girly girl, but she refused to live up to the Old Lady Example of her mother or any of the sweetbutts that she was subsequently raised by. No, she was going to ride on her own, and made sure she found women that felt the same way. Her brother, though sometimes concerned about what other men would say, always supported her in this, and taught her everything their dad taught him. Thus begat the never ending competition.

“Okay, that’s fair.” Siren nodded, turning to look out at the span of desert around them. “When he invited us to join him on his run Charming I thought I was gonna get a decent ride in. Not this delivery bullshit.”

“Yeah, or that he’d have a brother or two,” Vix grumbled, amber eyes checking her mirrors for what felt like the millionth time this trip. “But no, he tricked us into this fuckery. They must be using up all the prospects for something else.”

“And here I thought it was that SAMRO finally decided to go Co-ed. Or that a certain Tacoma resident was missing you.” A pale hand went to cover a doll-like face that held no real innocence in the mock expression. “Oh shit, did I say both of those out loud?”

Vix let out a snort, shaking her head at her friend’s eccentric ways, doing her best to. “You know you did, ‘mana.”

“Oh, I must have struck a nerve! The spanglish begins.” Though Siren new that her friend was simply calling her a sister, she needed to live up to the name. “I mean, it’s great that you are bilingual, it helps me to understand your tolerance level.”

Her response was a nod coupled with a small hum of affirmation, leaving the other girl to turn on the radio and sing along with the music. Siren was known to babble at times, leaving Vixen to quietly listen and add to the conversations as she saw fit. She knew that her friend didn’t have a lot of people to talk to, and though Vix didn’t say much, what she did have to say usually helped to sort all the noise in Siren’s head.

About eight songs later, they both straightened up at the redwood sign coming up to the right of Tank. They both turned to each other with smiles on their faces in spite of their previous complaints. The small town of Charming opened up to them, small shops lining the streets, and giving way to houses and more business related real estate. Free of commercial real estate, the whole town was full of small businesses and family stores that have been around forever. Their town slogan wasn’t wrong, the name did adequately say it all. Vix was sure there was more to the town that met the eye, based on her business here, but the look of the town was quaint and homey. Siren seemed more than a little excited about it while Vix prefered being back in Tacoma with the long runs to go shopping and the open air around everything.

They soon pulled up to Teller-Morrow Automotive Repair, turning into the open gate with ease. Vix jumped out of the cab as soon as she took the keys out the ignition, stalking her way over to Tank so quickly, her hair came up in down in a ripple of waves around her shoulders. She waited for him to back his bike into the line of other bikes, with her hand held out expectantly.

“Have a nice drive?” He smirked, his hardened face opening up with the expression.

“I had a drive.” She responded, looking pointedly at her empty palm. “I’ll have a better one when my Harley is free from being stuck with whatever we brought here.”

Tank gave out a deep, but jovial laugh, keeping the keys she was looking for tucked away in his kutte. When she ground her teeth at him in annoyance, otherwise not moving, he let out a sigh, a tired hand running through wind-tangled strands. Stepping around the bike, he wrapped a burly arm around her lean frame, squeezing her close for a second before releasing her.

“Gotta talk to the Prez and the SAMTAC contact first, Cyn.” The timbre of his voice meant to be more calming than his normal gruff tone, but it set her on edge even more. “Can’t have you two opening the truck without them. Already took a chance bringing you here.”

“Right, and I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that Koz was away and you had no one to babysit us.” Vix punched him in the shoulder. “ Which is really not needed given that we are only a couple years younger. Also, cut it out with the real name shit, I have an alias for a reason.”

“You and I both know that Melly would have ended up needing you to bail her out, or you’d get into a fight after drinking too much, and without any Sons to have your back…” He sighed. “Look, I get that you miss your charter, I do, but they’ve been patched over by a group you didn’t like, so you left. You need to start following our rules again.”

“I didn’t even get to wear the full rocker, Tank.” She crossed her arms, not liking to be reminded of that. “Stupid Steel Sirens stole away my chance.”

“They also would have taken Melly’s name away from her if she stayed, so don’t act like you’re the only one who gets to be angry.” A large hand gripped her shoulder briefly. “But come on, she’s staying by the truck, talking to their prospect it looks like, let’s get this done and we can figure out accommodations.”

“Great, another thing I could have done had I gotten a chance to ride.”

The woman’s grumbling was akin to a teenager, not someone twice as old, but Tank took it in stride, letting out another chuckle as he lead his sister toward the clubhouse. The lounge opened up to a gameroom with a bar to the side, and a set of large double doors closing anyone who didn’t belong to the club out of church. In it sat the redwood table that the Sons of this charter sat at for votes and important meetings. His sister would never see the inside of that room, no matter how much she wished she could. It was a big part of their old man’s life, having been one of the first Nine before moving to Tacoma to start off the Washington charter.

He felt his sister stop next to him, her body rigid and full of tension. He held back the need to hold her, knowing that it would only make things worse. They haven’t been to Charming before, or if they have, they were too young for her to remember anybody, so it confused Tank as he watched her reaction. When he followed her gaze he instantly new why, and cursed himself for not asking who it was.

Standing at the bar, a shot in his hand, stood his brother in club as well as charter. Baggy jeans rested on his hips, his knife holstered where it should be, and a gun on the other side. He wore a grey reaper crew t-shirt under his kutte, with his patches sewn in place with care in spite of their dirty state. Around his bald head coiled an inked Snake, one that she’d done herself, giving him two pairs of dark eyes to look at her.

They both stood unmoving, the mostly empty room becoming tense. To anyone observing they looked relaxed enough, but Tank knew them both far too well to let it stay how it stood. Moving his hand to clear his throat, he was saved by Siren bursting through the door with Clay in tow. How the small girl knew who to find, he’d never know, though his guess was that she fluttered her eyelashes at the prospect who was close behind them. Pointing to Tank, she smiled and whispered something to Clay before breaking into a skip and stealing the SAMTAC member’s shot.

“Heya TK,” She greeted, downing the shot with a grin. “How’s Cali treatin’ ya?”

And just like that, whatever hold they had on each other broke. Vixen’s body relaxed a fraction of an inch, and moved to introduce herself to the Prospect (Half-Sack he heard him introduce himself as) and Clay. Tank let out a sigh, moving to his brother, and wrapping an arm around his surrogate sister thankfully. As he reached them, they were in relaxed conversation.

“That was the last of the good stuff, Kid.” There was a frown stretched across his features before he turned to Tank. “‘Sup Killa?”

Tank clasped arms with Happy Lowman, giving his brother a friendly pat against the back. “Wishin’ I’d asked Koz who they sent down here before agreeing to this. Would have brought different company.” It wasn’t quite an apology, he didn’t need to give one, but he hated to see his two families collide like this. “Or given out proper warnings.”

“Can’t avoid each other forever.” Hap shrugged. “Haven’t really talked since the patch over.”

“That’s because you’ve been more Nomad than SAMTAC.” Siren said. A fresh bottle of tequila in her hand. “Found more of what you call the good stuff for ya, Hap.”

“Whose side you on, Reddy? Cuz honestly I just got mixed signals.” Tank joked, accepting a shot glass from the petite woman.

“She’s on the side of whoever helps her at the time.” Hap smirked, taking the bottle from her and pouring drinks. “Or she’s jus’ good at the whole neutral thing.”

“To quote something Vix taught me…” the girl said, looking to her friend for a second her eyes the only indicator of her worry. “¿Porque no los dos?” (Why not Both?)

“Yeah, yeah” The boys laughed her smug comment away, before Hap ruffled her hair and they followed Clay into Chapel. The doors closed behind them, and Siren moved towards her friend.

“You good? I know I made a joke about it, but I honestly didn’t know he was here.” She bit her lip, and looked into the amber and olive tones that swirled dangerously in Vix’s eyes. “Judging by the conversation I just heard, I know that Tank wasn’t trying to pull one over on you either.”

Vix nodded slowly, blinking as she turned away from the closed doors and started to move outside. “Well, it’s like you both said, He’s been more nomad than anything, but we can’t avoid each other forever, can we?”

Siren paused for a second, simultaneously shocked and guilty that she had heard it. After recovering, she trotted after her, wishing that just this once her friend would open up and talk to her. “It doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it, or that this Club business has to force you into it.”

Vix laughed at that, opening the truck door and pulling her old kutte around her shoulders. She always took pride in the life, and dressed the part, something that earned her respect among the boys, and jealousy from all the sweetbutts. She’d pulled most of the club official things from it, the Daring Divas of Tacoma- hell as far as they knew even the Daughters of Chaos- no longer existing. She kept her charter patch on though, as well as her Daughters of Discord one that proudly marked her as a woman who’s killed for her club before. The back no longer bore the rockers, but instead was a collage of biking and other patches, the two on her left breast the only thing that showed her old loyalties. One the right there was an embroidered fox that’s tale wound around her biking name.

All the other girls would see it as her asserting dominance, or pretending to be someone who was more than just a hang around, but Siren new better; This was Cynthia Tirado’s armor just as much as it was a second skin. The other girl pulled her hair out from under the collar and walked up to her friend, pulling a pack of smokes out and a lighter.

“Care for a Cig?” She offered, nodding her head towards the picnic table that sat outside the clubhouse doors. “I know I could use one after that drive.”

“Somehow, I doubt your sudden craving of the Nicc is just from that ride.” The paler girl mused, following in her footsteps anyway.”

“It would just be the ride if you and Tank would stop poking the bear.”

Vixen spoke plainly, wrapping her lips around her cigarette, taking a long and heavy drag from it the second it was lit. She sighed out the smoke, stepping onto the bench and sitting at the table. She offered Siren the box and lighter, knowing that she’d take one. The brunette wasn’t much of a tobacco smoker, but she always kept a box around for social situations or ones like this where she didn’t have a joint on her. The two sat in silence, Siren clearly wanting an elaboration on the comment, and Vix tried to figure out what that was. Relying on the calming qualities of the cancerous stick, she blew the most recent drag’s smoke to the side, turning to face her friend.

“Hap and I are fine; have been for years now.”

“Oh, yeah.” Ren droned, puffing out a smoke with a look stating she didn’t believe her. “Sure is easy to say that when you’ve both spend the past five years apart. Him going Nomad right after it all and you throwing yourselves into prospecting into the daughters. And the two of you doing your tattooing shit, and random hookups with people you both pretend are the other.”

The final thing was said with a knowing smirk, making Vixen groan out. She wasn’t one to openly talk about things, let alone her complicated past with the Tacoma Killer, but Siren was too goddamn observant for her own good. She took a few puffs before stamping out the quickly killed cigarette in the ashtray next to her hip. Vix talked about very few things, but the Happy case was a thick file tucked in a small cabinet along with her daddy issues and emotional detachment. They were red tapped as confidential until a yet to be determined date.

“We all have have our coping methods.” She said, feeling her skin prickle around her shoulders uncomfortably.

“Doesn’t always make them good or effective.” Siren stamped her own cig out, a small frown pulling at her delicate features. “Listen, Cyn all joking and banter aside you know you can always-”

“Talk to you about my deep seeded issues and relationship related trauma,” Vix finished for her, having heard the speech too many times. “I know, Ren. I just can’t.”

“You say that, do you really-”

“Enough Ren.”

This time the comment was snapped, ending the train of conversation. She ficked her lighter on, dancing her fingers back and forth across the flame. She waited out the various faces her friend made, and the stammered attempts to restart the conversation, her face devoid of motion as she took in her surroundings. The lot at this point was mostly empty; two or three non club bikers and the prospect working in the garage and more than the people they’d seen worth of bikes lined up in a row. Vix wanted hers out of the back of the truck along with whatever the hell her brother was delivering to the mother charter.

Her eyebrows perked up as a Caddy rolled in and an older looking woman jump out before the vehicle had fully stopped. The men came out, including the owners of the rest of the bikes, meeting her halfway. The conversation was hushed and quick, but there was an urgency in all of their forms. Tank turned to the girls at the table, muttering something to a blonde with a clasp of the shoulder. As the group disbanded, the older Tirado made his way toward them, his face taking on the more dangerous look of something serious happening around him. Vix stood up to meet him halfway, tucking her things into her kutte and her hands into her back pocket.

“That looked more important than an emergency car repair.” She stated watching the woman and the blonde take off. “Those the rest of Morrow’s family?”

“Jax never took Clay’s name, and Gemma tacked it on to the Teller, but yes on both accounts.” He jerked his thumb to the warehouse. “You and Melly hang out here for a bit. I gotta take the cargo straight to the customers, and then meet up with Jax at St. Thomas if he needs anything. Gonna be a longer stay than I thought.”

“Oh good thing I packed my saddle bags then.” She nodded. “You better take care of my goddamn bike. I’ll behave up here as that mandate is followed.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way, Sis.” He smirked, dropping a kiss to her temple before hugging Siren. He muttered the next into her hair, but Vix still heard it. “Make sure she doesn’t cause trouble, yeah? Fuckin’ trip is gonna be long enough without her making things worse.”

“Course.” She chirped, earning a glare from the other woman. “I’ll even make sure she doesn’t hussle the people here too hard.”

“Great, first I’m places under club arrest by my brother, and now getting all possible fun ripped away by my sister.” She spun on her heel with a frown, marching off towards the club house door. “Guess I’ll just drink myself into a coma or something equally as boring.”

“Love you Vix!” Tank called out, laughter clearly in his voice.

“Fuck you too, Tank.”

#fic: rough riding #juice ortiz imagine #juice ortiz x oc #juice x oc #Vixen Tirado #siren reddy #tank tirado #fd: sons of Anarchy #fd: soa #ocapp #oc appreciation #ocappreciation #oc app

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sun-downer · 3 years

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Why are there so many fucking fancy ass cars parked in this mother? Fucking broke ass building parking lot. The APM Debbie's out 30 cars in his goddamn parking lot. Oh, so first of all, you were allowed to pass a police car. Second of all, no one has ever been pulled over by a Patty wagon. No offense, but what the fuck?

God damn it. That was energy. Holy shit. That's a lot for Monday morning. Hey everybody. What up? It's the no offense, but what the fuck podcast? I'm your host? Marvin Martinez. And as always my future ex-husband is with me a bunch of Agra. How are you doing? Until I got

Yeah. That's just, that's just what happens when you go to Japan, people just, it's just what everybody does. Speaking of perfect hair. Uh, Maki, Kaji, the godfather of Sodoku died at 69. He nailed it. 69. Oh shit. Yeah. He was good with numbers. He was good. He's like, I'm going to go out on a math joke. Oh yeah.

And you know what? The next one's pretty hard to get four twenties, pretty hard to reach. Even for like Japanese people. Cause you know like this. Yeah. Japanese, you wouldn't refer about your Japanese people. What are we doing here? Let's see. I gotta, I gotta Google up the Google. I get the joke about them.

Right? We used to be allies where you, are you going to teach the history? No, but Japan and in Japan. You guys bombed Japan because they were part of like our crew, basically. Like they were homeys with the Nazis. Yeah. Yeah. Also not read, they would do known thing, but you know, they were also homeless. They were like, what up respect, yo shit.

What do you respect the most about, uh, the Japanese? What do you it currently? I like historically. Oh, overall, just Metta overall. Hmm. I guess I do love, I dunno, respect, but I love that. Like people in Japan tend to be very, very, like, let's not, let's not be seen when they're on the outside. Right. They just like try to behave in a way that nobody looks at them.

But then once you get to the house, they have like the weirdest hobby. Yeah, I collect pickled eggs. I have a whole two apartment bedroom, two bedroom apartment, and like one bedroom. It's only two collecting pickles. Yeah,

I get it. I got stint. You know, who else has says they got soldier boy claimed to own a tare and a tar. He said, that's the how corporations work, dude. I sit in the subway in the morning and I'm about to read me this manga. That's all about weird team and girls that are formed it in 20, but look 12 sniffing each other's hands.

And I'm gonna just read that shit out in the open. That's what I. I did that. Uh, I did that D and D that's my that's my group. I started a girl band idol group of bards as like, you know what, I'm not, I'm going to, they're not going to play the backing music. They're going to actually know how to play instruments.

You know what I'm saying? Uh, let's see what else happened, Taliban? Uh, Taliban said women should stay home because soldiers aren't trained to respect them.

And, and the other women said fine, but, uh, you can't be subscribed to early fans anymore. So you do know that. I don't know, am I the only person on the planet who kind of looks at the Taliban and goes like, you know what good for you guys? Like, I know you're doing a horrible, I mean, it's going to be horrible for a lot of people, but good on you.

I don't know. You beat you beat America, dude, whatever. Like, you know, you guys just stuck to your shit. You're like, no, we want to miss treat our women. We will not have this weird women human rights, bullshit. We will stone the gays get out. You know what Taliban, I respect your Fortnite strategy. You stuck around and you, you, you went to the MPC that told you where the last storm circle was.

And you found that perfect Bush in the last spot. And you just waited in that Bush full shield, full health, just a fucking desert Eagle in your hand, just waiting for that last guy, crouched, you sat there for 35 fucking minutes in that Bush, and then Taliban, you came out of that Bush and you shot the last guy left.

When he, when he was like, there is no other earthly goddamn place this guy could be, why would any shitbag be hiding in a Bush? You come out of that Bush and shoot that guy in the face. Taliban. Good on you. I know, right? Like, holy shit. They took their time. They waited it out, but then they were like, you know what?

No, now the shit, I just read something about it tomorrow, today in the morning, I didn't actually pay attention. Well, I just saw like a headline that I already forgot, but I think now they own all of Ghana's Stan. Again, like they're in control of that. Ooh, getting this sweet, sweet drama. I like, Hey, this, ah, shit, shit.

I'm so pissed. Fuck you guys on there. Is that place ever going to not have war? Like, is that going to happen within like the next 50?

But it doesn't matter what they're fighting over. It's just sand. Yeah. More fun stuff. Leaders of the proud boys centers of five months in jail says, uh, he only got five months. Cause you promise to only burn American flags from now on, um, black lives matter flag. He was, he was charged for burning a black lives matter flag and having high capacity ammunition, route, uh, devices when asked why he needed so many bullets.

He said, my penis is really tiny and I want to look really cool. Is that what he says? And the store only gave out ammo in two sizes, mother issues and compensate for something. And they were fresh out of, I didn't kill my wife. So did he actually say. Ah, damn cause that was

like this guy rules, dude, and all this shit. But wait, one of the, that doesn't mean that this is true. This is true. What convicted? He stood up in the courtroom, pointed up the FBI and screamed. I learned it from me. He actually had a turns out. He had a long history of snitching for the FBI. Actually. He was actually a snitch.

Yeah. Okay. But like, hold on. So one of those isn't there, right? No, but wait a second, one more riff. I like, I like, I, I did research cause you showed me the German article. I was like, they were so tame about it. It was like two, it was like two paragraphs. I click on the Miami news top new times. And it's like a, it's like a five page, like origin story.

Like he's like a bro. And it's like, he's like all American Dan and they use like a good picture of him. It's hilarious. It's so it's the only article about this to where it's not him wearing a flak jacket, like ready to just like shoot anybody. Like, wait, actually anybody. I, I need to get this, this, this bothers me too much right now is burning a BLM flag, a crime

bullets. Cause like I get, if he doesn't, if he's not allowed to have those bullets, I fine. Burning a flag. Is, is that an issue because like I'll burn a flag today. Uh, they burned a bit, I think, I think burning black lives matter, like it was considered like a hate crime, but I don't think they could, I don't think the ground for that was actually like, I think they tried to get them for a hate crime on that.

I don't actually okay. Fucking Australia news. Thanks for not giving me that's where the German newspaper was tamed because they actually stay objective. They only reported the facts and none of the like, like anecdotal bullshit. So it only turned out to be two paragraphs it's like, yo, this white supremacist called Luis Herrera or whatever it is.

Yeah. Uh, douche bag, Mick douchey, dag bag pants has been sentenced to 155 days in prison by a quarter in Washington, confess a pro. He could fast to property damage and possession of weapons, weapon accessories in the proceedings. Uh, the remainder of the sentence under 85 days will be suspended for a three-year period.

He didn't bring his own flag. He just burned one. That was somewhere okay. That, that I get that there's no, there's no, there's a mention of a flag. That's the property damage and nothing else makes any sense. So I feel like if he burns somebody else's flag. Yeah. That's a problem. But if I buy a BLM flag and I want to burn it, I will.

God damn do. So that is within my rights.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I'll burn it. I'll I'll dance on top of it. I'll do it exactly. As Ms. Gatsby says

that was a perfect, my mouse died right. When I was trying to get to the truth. Let's see. Okay. Let's see what he does. Yeah. Uh, so he has to pay a thousand dollars fine and $345 compensation to the, to the church that had, uh, property damage. He was involved with the burning of a, of a banner. It wasn't a flag.

It was a banner that was stolen from the church by members of his group. So he's getting sued for property damage. It's not because it's a crime it's property damage, but the article is misleading in that way. Then the one that you read before was like, well, he's in jail for burning a black lives matter.

It's not that it was misleading. It's that they weren't directly like laying out. Like if the second paragraph what he's fucking is, you know, it didn't say anything about thousand dollars and all this bullshit. No, but it did say at that I was summarizing, I wasn't actually reading that article when I said that.

Oh, okay, cool. So you just insinuated that you asshole, he's proud to be a boy. No. The article was in Sydney, winning that they kept like they're doing this weird moral argument thing. And I was like, okay, fuck up and tell him what the fuck is happening. So he just admitted to it and yeah. Yeah, yeah. So he admitted to it in an interview with the Washington post and then they arrested him.

Cool. I'm good with that. Yeah. So it's bullets, by the way, you shouldn't burn black lives matter flags, but if it's your own thing, you can burn stuff that belongs to you. That's what you choose to do with your property. Do whatever the fuck you want. Like you can have, you can go buy a PlayStation five and burn it for like Tik TOK content.

I'm okay with that. That's all I'm trying to say here, not big enough. Tik TOK content soldier. Boy did actually literally claimed T O and Atari on his, uh, I think it was Instastory or tech dog or something. And, uh, he like showed his contract. Everyone's like, uh, you don't know how to fucking read. You just have a million dollar contract with a target, Haley about you owning it.

And then Atari, like, they literally were like, yeah, we have a CEO. Uh, we're a corporation. We have like a board of C like, go, like, that's not how companies work. I've had, he like ripped up the contract like a day later. And, uh, well actually it turns out Atari ripped up the contract after they found out soldier, boy has less than 4,000 people watching his IQ.

There are only, there are only 3,500 people watching his IgG live, where he was like, fuck you at tiring. Like, what's you, you obviously don't have as many fans as you think you do soldier boys. So then again, to be fair, I've only ever watched one single IgG life in my entire life. And it was like a rocket beans thing that were playing hide and seek.

And like everybody that was hiding, um, like had their Instagram feed on. So you could like watch them hiding and then you could on your computer watch, like the, the guy searching for them and shit. So that was fun. And I partook in for like five minutes and playing around with that. And then, yeah, I closed Instagram again.

Cause it's gay. Uh, speaking of gay, Joe, Biden's on the run again. Uh, Joe Biden, uh, apparently apologized to a lab after he made their mini brains go bald because, uh, he was, he was stunning, his white, white nuts. Uh, and, uh, so, and, and the rays from his nuts bounced off of a mirror and bounced into the lab, uh, 12 miles away.

So, uh, he was paying damages. Yeah. They're making many brains and labs and they're starting to see. Yeah. Apparently one of them saw race jumped in front of a train. Um, let's see,

one of them looked upon the United States and its state of affairs and it killed itself. That's beautiful. Uh, that is beautiful. One of 'em, one of them realized it didn't have a cumbersome Dick and murdered itself. Um, one of them woke up and felt like it was female. It shine at itself. One of them, uh, realized it's perpetuating the patriarchy and it's still Rogan.

Uh,

We're coming for you, baby boy, they made, they use a company made, they felt bad for Val Kilmer after his documentary. And they made a, a voice for him based on all of his, uh, you know, performances and stuff. All the speaking of documentaries, I watched some crazy thing on Netflix the other day called the push.

You ever heard of the push to be a poop joke? No, I sorta, it's not, although it is right there, but it's so was this like British mentalist guy and like in the intro, what he does is he has like some dude call into a coffee house and be like, hello, my name is Mr. Police officer. In high ranks of you, whatever.

He gives him like a fake title and fake name, but like he pretends to be a police officer on the phone and the coffee shop workers, like you hustle what up? He's like, oh, do you see a woman dressed like that? And that, and that we, we were told she walked in. He's like, yeah, well you see her having a baby.

That's not her baby. She abducts babies. Dah, dah, dah, dah. What we need you to do is like distract her pretended I'm a call you on your phone. Pretend like you got a call on the landline, get her to get the phone. And then you take the baby and you walk out the store so we can collect the baby. He's trying to see if he can make a person it's not an actual card and was trying to see if he can make the person commit a crime, but just like giving him certain excuses, like, well, I'm talking to the police on the phone.

Do you know that? For sure. You don't know that that's an actual cop. So just like by giving him like an, a story that he has no knowledge about whether or not it's true, he just goes with it because he doesn't, it seems so big that he doesn't want to go against it. So, so, but that was just the big, is it?

Mungus partsy dicks. You know what my boss has got a huge cock. Right. Cause he subscribed to them famous. Yeah. Yeah. Join our picture. Be early, get on the ground floor. Yeah. Well, you'll be the guys that like, look in two years, you want to be the guys where we interrupt the stream or whatever we're doing and go like, oh my God, yo it's Marco HD.

What up my board. Cause like you've been here since day one. So you know, you wait, should we live stream? This? Is that what you're saying? We should maybe start soon. We should get on Twitch to the just talking thing. Maybe. I don't know, maybe, but we'll take them off. It's all set up. It's all set up. Uh, you know, push thing.

What it was about at the end was it was trying to get a guy to commit a murder. Basically. They were trying to get a guy to kill a person. Yeah. Well, everything was acted out, but it was like this gala thing. And they just made him like, get deeper and deeper. Like within like 20 minutes, the guy was hiding a body,

hit a body. He's like, no, look, when the event is over, we'll call his wife. I swear to you. And he's like, oh, that seems fair.

He said, you dropped in front of you. You're not going to call an ambulance. It's not been five minutes. Well, he did yell at me twice. Like they made sure that the guy was kind of an asshole before and shit. And like, they just gave him all these excuses. But yeah, I'm not going to tell you how it ends, but like he's basically gonna, they want him to get to push that guy off of this, like the roof at the end of it all.

That's like the plan here, you know, incriminate himself to a point where he's like, this is the only way out I need to shove this guy. Dude. I don't know, man, if, if, cause like I always imagined myself and like, you know, if, if there's a game show or whatever, like how could I win here? And like in that one, if you, if you go through that at the end, do you like, what does that say about you?

You were willing to kill a guy. You know what I mean? Isn't that sort of like attempted murder because you did think that you were going to kill the guy. That's like the literal that's like intent to murder, I think is, I think it's like a separate crime actually.

That might be like, like if, if it wasn't for like, if they didn't sign that, uh, what's your McCall it, then it's all actors and shit. Yeah. So like, if it, if it was just him by himself, like that's like conspiracy to commit a murder and stuff like that. Yeah. My question is just like, does the fact that it's all actors remove the fact that he was w because, you know, they would, the actor, the actor was never in any danger, you know, by the time that he would have been put, there was never, I'm saying, if you're going to do a show like that or whatever, the, like, you, you have lawyers that make him sign an like, sign, some kind of agreement where it's like, it absolves you of all that kind of, because like you're controlling the situation.

But outside of that, if it, if he was just like, If it was just some dickhead that was like, cause like if it's just somebody manipulating someone into doing something that's, that's Charles Manson. That's why Charles Manson's in jail forever. Yeah. Because he like, you've manipulated people into doing something, but actually doing it himself.

But what I'm saying is do those contracts really absolve him from the fact that he was willing to put a murder, a person? Well, the guy in the documentary, I get that it's legally. So I'm just saying like, it doesn't really though he's absolved because they're all actives and he did that. But, but, but if he figured out, but if he like actually, so catch this, if he some, if somehow for some reason that stunt fell through and he ended up actually literally murdering them, then it's on the production company.

The production company would go to jail. And so like, so like, and so like he might get manslaughter, but he wouldn't get, like, he wouldn't get like homicide he'd get, like, he would get some, like, acting in a way that, that expand it. It's like, look up whatever the it'd be like coerced manslaughter or something, reckless behavior assumption like that, or, yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, we could, we could, uh, I don't know, call a lawyer, find a lawyer, learn Instagram. Let's ask a bunch of murder questions. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to ask a lot of questions about like, um, international waters for when we have our mansion. We can do what we, we can, uh, you can actually find a lawyer that does a free, a free zoom consultation.

Could we get just like Casa is ask him dumb questions. Like, what do I have to do to do a class action? Is it a class action lawsuit? If I want to Sue every, uh, manufacturer of led headlights and uh, backlights cause the lights on the back on the, the brake lights on the back of cop cars are absurdly bright for no reason at all.

Here's my question. If it's just me and Bontrager, and we let's say abductor person, but then we drive out into open waters. What are we legally allowed to do to set human? Just legally, not morally and just hypothetically obviously, but we get married. How long do we have to wait till we get divorced that we can be called ex how long do we have to stay together before it becomes funny.

Funny? Yeah. Like the window is either the shortest divorce. Right. So like within an hour or some shit, just to make it funny, if it's that short, it would just get a node. That's my thing. I think it would get a note. Sure. Yeah. But if it gets to, now we have to go through, we can't go through an actual divorce.

No, but if we get a note, that's what I'm saying. If we get into note, then you're not my area. Oh, you're going to, you're going to sign a prenup then. Cause I think I own more shit. Just signing prenups. We're both signing prenups. No, I wouldn't have a few toilet paper. Oh, I want, uh, at least half of that woodwork behind you, like, come on, I'll take like one of those doors with the weird man on it.

I'll take whatever is weird cars, man doors. That's the one half of the manga that you find back there. And I was not a half colorful, so I thought those were dildos that no that's like mangoes and books and stuff. And, uh, um, right. No, right here is the game of Thrones, but. And their racist, approximations guitar.

For some reason, I don't actually play a guitar, but like, it's here now. So whatever it looks here, you better start playing it. Dude. I'm going to earn enough to do when people come over so I can go like a damn do they do like a two for five to six seconds long thing. And I go like, guys, guys, come on, come on, come on.

I keep forgetting, go to the storage to get my guitars. Cause I have that game where like you can plug in a real guitar.

Use that a problem plugs, plugging things in China wants to restrict the online play of their teenagers, or I think everybody, I'm not sure if it might just be kids, but, uh, yeah. And, uh, and there's, there's a, there's a mass flooding at the borders of everywhere. That's not China, Chinese teenager. So I guess don't really like, they're trying to restrict your place.

So it's like three hours a week of online play and, uh, yeah, the Taliban promises that Chinese teenagers can play as long as they want, if they join us. So, yeah. Cool. They even get like 72 virgins if they do it, right? Yeah. Yeah. They get 72 versions, but yeah, all they have to do is just keep the room clean and promising not to tell mama they are.

Yeah, problem is they don't tell them the other, the 72 virgins, that's just at the Chinese. Compared to sticking in that room with him, basically slave camp. They're all Virgin Virgin. So I heard that you got like a little bit of a class for me, professor Bont, ERG, two more news stories. The, the drug liberation front, uh, was handing out clean heroin to stop overdoses on, uh, Canada's uh, drug overdose day.

That does sound like something Canada wouldn't do. Yeah, because I guess there was like a lot of fentanyl deaths. Don was conflating it saying it was more than COVID deaths. I was like, I don't know about all that. Yeah. She's not the person that I would run to for like factual numbers on things, but who knows?

I don't know. She talks to a lot of guys who knows things. Do you think that people that go to the beaver trap to get drunk and cheap fucking rum or whiskey or like smart people? Is it, was that called the beaver trap? I have no idea, but that was the most Canadian born name I could think of in like, you know, the time I had, Ooh, do you know how to speak French?

Uh, here we go. Wait, chat. So when I point to you, you're going to, you're going to say a thing step, but you get there. Okay. So in Vancouver, a Vancouver man bites dog, it was a police dog, mad bites, police, dog, after screaming.

I think it was cash will reign Supreme. I don't know the CA the, uh, th the, the cat, the, the, the, the man was a suspected, uh, cat, dog, separatists. I hate those fucking old school. Can't get over, like re mixing some races together. You know, you know how adorable it is when the little kitty cat sleeps on a big dog?

God damn it, dude. I heard, uh, some people, uh, suspect this cause conspiracy theories. They think he was actually a tail disguised as a man in attempt to, uh, wag the police.

like a late night. He's just been bothering me for like the last 20 minutes. And now I just can't now I got it. What is going on here today? All this time. My dog, man, Korea is working on a new gas weapon. I guess he has more than just far it's coming out of there. Am I right guys? I'm all right. Sorry. Okay.

Uh, welcome to news feud. Uh, let's see, take a guess. Uh, today's today's topic things founded, Joe Biden's pockets. Take a guess. What do you think

says is limped on the boat? Uh, no, but we have, uh, rockets, which I guess again, I guess, uh, survey says, oh no dementia pills, but we do have pair of sunglasses, which I get to guess again, um, um, um, nacho cheese chips, but they're, let's see if the board says it. Let's see if the board says it. Survey says, Nope, I see it says another pair of sunglasses, but you'd like to guess again.

It's weird. I don't like it, I guess one more time. Okay. Fine.

Survey says it actually says a third pair of sunglasses. That's ridiculous. Joe, possibly go that he needs that many things last. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Uh, another round new topic. Uh, the topic is we surveyed, we surveyed families all over America and they think the top results in Ryan Reynolds search results are no, no.

We actually actually called Google. We got these straight from Google. I'm kidding. Fuck. Fuck families. So we, uh, these are Ryan Reynolds, Google search results, top search results in the past week. Uh, what let's let's hear a guess about Ryan Raynaud's or things that he himself Googled. Yeah. Yeah. Ryan Reynolds.

Yeah. Ryan rhinos Googled. Okay.

Is there a gluten in water? Is there a gluten in water? Is it on the board? It's a survey says, uh, how to promote aviation gin. Would you like to guess again? How do you become Hugh Jackman? Let's look at the survey survey says, oh, really close. Uh, where does Hugh Jackman live? It's pretty close. Pretty cool.

Pretty good. Pretty good. I want to take one more swing at this. I'm going to take one more second. Here we go. Here we go. Here you go. Why wait? No, no, no, no. I know it now. I know it now. I know it now. Horrible. Romcoms comma who's hiring question mark. Go show me. Survey says, Ooh. It actually says, uh, who is married to Ryan Reynolds.

He needed to know. So

actually, okay. I got one more. I got one more. I got one more in me. Okay. Yeah. How much is Ryan Reynolds worth? He wants a nice, says. Oh, it actually says how many dildos are too many dildos at once.

Uh, festival. Uh, I still believe in having like a John wick room, but just for sex stories. So like a panic room that you deco with some nice led lights, which is full of sensors, man. Shit. Yeah. Like, so you like that game? I made. I think when I, I think when I say paid it up, a woman said family feud and I was like, yeah, I'll make it better.

She didn't know how to write for it. She left like, write the prompts for it. It's like, no, like, stop, like stop getting so hung up on like the new story. Now we have to like, be funny. You're allowed to like, put like gossipy. Yeah. Ryan Reynolds, shit in it. Like, why are we talking about Joe Biden? Um, he's the president like it's topical.

Like it's topical. These people are alive. He's funny. He's weird. I like him. So if you were to do a family feud show about the news, what would you, what would your topic be? We'll just survey topic B oh, COVID no questions. I want to see the world burn. A

Google question is COVID a hoax. And I say maybe. Okay, one last way. Is this the last news story at resident? Yeah. One last news story. Uh, I got here, uh, FTC is investigating McDonald's ice. Uh, the claims that McDonald's ice cream machines are always broken, uh, said all the ice cream machines, I'm always broken.

Like my marriage. Uh, I'm always broken like your marriage. I don't know. FTC side with, McDonald's saying the employees come it's just too sticky to reliably. Make an ice cream. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a problem in Germany to, yeah. Seth Rogen com has gotten stuff. It did get tweeted. Tweeted. If the ice cream machine is broken, what did I just eat?

God doing this again?

I'm right back in it. It's like I left Vietnam just to go back to Florida, but now I'm fighting like a private Alicia somewhere in the woods. Why is this happening? I should put Joe Biden and then I can put anybody in there. Oh,

Oh,

that's nice. All the Steelers happens to win after an, after an, the crazy turnaround at the end, some say they stole it.

I can't. In other news on your German website, Qubole under the tub, uh, under, uh, the Taliban women only expect bad things said women everywhere else. Um, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Tweeted. If women only expect bad things, what did I just eat?

Fucking Seth Rogan. I bet. Like, I bet he here's what happened with that whole James Franco thing, right? The, the James Franco thing, right. You know, the, the, he had this weird school of like hot chicks basically only that he would try to like, Hey, hot chicks, James Franco, like an acting horse or something.

And it was mainly like attractive ladies. And like, he would have like really sexual scenes with him. He was basically just gaslighting them all to fucking him. It was cool. Okay. But then like Seth now, Seth Rogan went like pretty hard to get, but Seth Rogan one's so hard against it after like being James Franco's boy for like forever that it just kind of feels like it was doing the same exact fucking thing.

But it's like, if you're, if you're actually my friend, here's how this is going to go down. I'm going to throw you under the bus and then I'm going to pay you 11. Hi, cool. He got money for this. And he was like, deuces wrote us a joint dude.

Amen. By the way, I was listening to an audio book of game of Thrones in German. And I hate how they say the names. They, they read them like antique Germans would. So like Janey, isn't just Jamie he's Hyman

who are say, who are you talking about to real generous, but who's generous. Let's say, don't know you mean to an era that sounds so unattractive, but they talked about the, the, by the way, he's called Drogo is so much less rapey in the book. Holy shit. Why did it make him so rapey in the movie, like in the TV show,

Well in the book, he like, they sit together naked for like an hour or something. They just sit there. He just undresses her and stuff, but like slowly and it's always with the more like stuff and go thing. And then like they just chill for an hour. Then he just starts like gently touching her overall. And she starts like getting excited.

It ends with him like picking her up and putting her on his lap. Right. And then going no, because like the only more he knows is no. So you've asked her like, no, and she like grabs his hand to put it to the place where she got wet and then said, yes. So like, it's very different than in a TV show where he just buckles her over.

She says, no, he throws a right back around and just like bounces into her. Like it's. Yeah. It's interesting. I now question, why the fuck they made it so raping the TV show because like, you know, he just goes, no.

The books open shit so much, but like, it's like, it's like, it's like they needed some, some reason for her to go crazy or something, but like they fall in love afterwards. So it's like, it's done. They could have just made it this way, the way that it was in the book, because like it has to do with her, like for the first time, because she was so afraid of everything and shit, before they go way more into that.

Like you can tell him the TV show that she's a skirt, skirt, little girl, Scarlet girl, but she's a skirt. You don't see why she's that scared as much because you don't hear her inner monologue and shit. So, I mean, I guess our parents were murdered. She was shipped over somewhere. Her brother keeps beating her up every day.

It makes sense that she's kind of a scared little chain. When you hear about Sansa, just live in the life.

Was awesome in the books even more so right before, you know, everything turned to shit.

Oh, what, what was, uh, like little flower, I mean, not little flower, a little finger stuff. Oh, in, in the show, I don't like it. The last season. What's different. What's different in the book. I'm not that far yet. I am still on the first one. I just got them this weekend, this weekend. I just started reading the books for real.

Okay. Cause I, like, I figured if I got bored in feast of crows or the one after it, I'm like curious for pepper. I have, I have all the audio books that they have out. Because I'm like, I'm like curious for some of the shit that's been theorized that didn't happen in the TV show, but like, that's been theories for like a long time.

So like, uh, I forget his name, but bran the kid that like goes cripple, uh, he like gets carried. He finds this other kid that comes with the sister and they like get him over to the, to the guy in the woods, you know, behind the wall that Oak, that third eye Raven or whatever his name is, Raven. He's a Raven with eyes when he dies.

I'm just going to call him, leave him with the 3i, Raven, the Raven with eyes. Exactly. Every rape and that's. That's awesome. I like it. So like the theory is that he eats the kid Brahm without knowing like they turned the kid. Cause he has like four senior abilities also lightly, but he's not like strong.

So like they make him into a paste that Brahm eats and then gets stronger with his like vision powers and shit. It's like a whole weird consultant, the conspiracy of the masters and all that shit. Oh, they, he ate one of the children or the forest or whatever. No, no, no, no. The there's like a kid that he goes, oh man, I can show you the F you saw the TV show that he ate the weird kid.

Well, he, didn't not knowingly eat the weird kid, but yeah, like the chill, cause he liked disappears within those caves. All of a sudden, not there's no mentioning of him anymore. It just happens. He just don't get mentioned anymore. All of a sudden. And then like brand has to hear this weird, weird wood paste or something, but like, like it tastes like blood.

He does, he describes the taste of blood as he's like eating. Okay. Well, yeah, but if he died, where's the corpse. Why does nobody talk about him anymore? Ever like even a sister, I guess we'll have to put that in the chat. We'll I mean, the, you know, the discouraged we'll look into the wow. Watch those episodes because those episodes were fucking weird.

Yeah. The, the episodes it's more based on the Joe. Jim was his name. Um, it's more based on the, on the, that's what I'm saying. I'll see what they, what they do in the episode. And then I'll see, I'll try to figure out where it is in the books because yeah, I was listening to you. I have like a video on YouTube that explains it.

I hope. Well, all right. How, what time are we at? What are we, what are we looking at here? Hi, I'm Chad. Yeah, on the recording. I mean, I forgot to record, press start on the we're good though. We talk to a lot of stuff, right? I bet you it's only 20 minutes long. We didn't do any improv games. Okay. So, oh, we, yeah, we can still do some, you pick a profession.

Wait, pause it first for one second, because I need to tinkle.

And then I said the duck flew across the restaurant. That was flawless. Let's do another one. Let's do another one. Uh, okay. So P pick a profession, um, lawyer. All right. So we're two lawyers and a lawyers office. And, uh, we're, we're just chilling in the break room, I guess. Yeah. How about that? Hey, how you doing?

Not too bad. Just hanging out much appointment today, but you got a lot on your plate. I wish I had a lot more on my plate. Right? Becky's ass Becky, look at her. She is bigly, but like, what's your favorite jiggle part of her though? Um, objection. I enjoy nothing. That just goes on hair.

Oh, thank you for the ugly dude.

Never have that conversation. I need to pick a less professionally. I, uh,

I actually, uh, she, uh, Becky. I, I donated my sperm to Becky. She's going to have my kid technically. Huh? How did that happen? Oh, she just asked, she just asked. She wanted to like, she's like, you know, I want to do like the insemination thing. Like we can do the fuck thing, but it's, you know, it's easier to just do the, the juices if like she, like, you can choose the thing and I'll do the insemination at the doctor so that my family feels like it's like, uh, you know, actual a semen donation, but we could just fuck on the side.

So I F we fucked and then I did the, I did the Jews in the cup. Okay. And did you sign, did you ever sign any contracts that legally forbid her from later on abusing you as the father? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay. Okay. Okay. She drew them up. They're actually pretty good. The papers were pretty fucking silent. I checked them out.

I actually ended up, I had added a line or two. She was trying to like catch me on a, on a tense in the third paragraph, second clause. You know how it is, but I fucking, you know what I mean? I added that extra comma. She thought she could fuck me over, dude. She taught, she could fuck me over. Get the fuck at a, this guy is Columbia educated.

You thought you could take them? Huh? Community college graduate. Or you do it. Isn't that like? Yeah. Wait, what are you asking if Columbia college is a community college one, right? No, no, no. I'm saying she's the club community college graduate. How dare she question? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one.

Let me, it's like, okay. It's not like a top tier. It's not like, yeah, but it's okay. It's okay. People are like, oh, you went to Colombian. People say it like that. Okay, but not like, oh, you went to Columbia, but yeah, they're definitely not like, fuck Columbia. There's no. Is it hardwood? Uh, yeah, I guess if you're going to go like, yeah, you want to go Ivy?

Ivy? I think Columbia is a no, I was, I was so wasted. I don't even know what kind of school Columbia is. Honestly. It could have been like, uh, it could have been. Where were you? What college did you go to? Uh, I went to brown. Ooh. You know, college is bad, but it's just named after a collar. Well, in the garden of all fucking universities, only one I could get into, I can get into, I went to circle university.

We had, we had a big rivalry going with triangle. It was great. Yeah. Yeah. Did you have good parties of circle? Yeah. Yeah, but to be honest rectangle, they, they would just be crazy if they were the wild south. Fuck you. What'd you go circle. I was circled, dude. You did not fucking go to circle. Give me a real co give me a real college.

A piece of shit. I didn't go to college. Germany doesn't work that like university here is more for, for if you want to become a lawyer or shit like that. Yeah, you're a lawyer. No, no. I stopped doing that a year ago. I didn't pass the bar. I just scanned my way into here. What are you joking? Obviously, dude.

Come on.

I was going to have to report you to fucking, uh, Roger were there. Oh my God. Come on. You know me? I'm I'm the office prankster. I was literally pulling up the, uh, secretly report and employee for not going to college. Yeah. That's it's weird. That's the function on the app? How much does that happen in his office?

Well, we're lawyers. So a lot. You gotta, you gotta fuck your, your friends over when you can. It reminds me of that kid. Dr. Fi love. Dr. Love the, the 16 year old, just Dr. Love. It was just this like 16 year old who pretended to be a gynecologist.

He wanted to finger women. Huh? I wish I could have represented that kid. That's the dream man. Getting a teenager off. Speaking of getting a teenager off, what's your favorite case? To be honest right now, I like the Lieberman case. It's, it's just really favorite case that you've won. Oh, my favorite that I've won.

I guess I liked that. I liked that bad girls club case that I represented. That was the best girls club. Yeah. You know, the girls that, that Sue back girls club, because they were like, they were like, dude, you can't just throw us into a room and feed us with drugs and booze for like a week. And then like get angry at us when we fight.

That's like not how this shit works. And I like, I represented, you know, backgrounds, but obviously, so I made sure these bitches didn't get a single cent. It was awesome on what grounds? Well, they signed a contract and they didn't agree to civilized behavior. You know, they broke the car. She got them on breach of contract.

Yes, they're classic. Oh, so, you know, the judge was an old white male and these women were all minority. So I walked in there, I saw that and I was like, oh my God, classic Frederico, getting them on a fucking breach of contract. And you know, these girls use Slaby Federico. These girls are never going to be able to pay, but that does not matter.

I won the case and I get paid. You know what I mean? You gotta do your pro bono for the hot girls. I get it. Oh yeah. I'm going to pro bone. These girls. Yeah. Laura is our gross. Let's get back to where. Alright. Okay. So now, yeah, so you see how easy improv is. Let's do another one. Now you choose something, but choose a spot.

Um, spot a profession, like a job and, and event that happens. Actually, I, I pick the event that happens. Something's going to happen throughout that. It's going to happen with us, with the profession, hit us, hit us with the professional. Um, we are, uh, let's see, everyone says the same seven professions. Let's see.

Uh, we are,

were like, those were like those people who like, uh, like suck people. We suck the fat out of people. We're like suck the fat technicians. Okay. So we're just assistance to a guy in a like office. Okay, cool. Cool. Well, not the head honchos there. They're still a doctor, but we're the guys that just do the,

so like the plastic surgeon guy, he comes in and he marks up the body, like, this is the fat is the fat. And then so like, then we just cut the hole and suck it out. He's like, he like marks it out and we suck out the fat equals back in and he, and then he like adds the structure and stuff. We're we're, we're just the fat removers.

Okay. Okay, cool. What happens is a cockroach flies against the outside of a window. Improv works. It's an event. We're going to build it into it. Don't worry. And now give us the location. Yeah.

Where we're going to do a scene, an improv scene, uh, here at second city. Can I get a suggestion, but just so you know, there's going to be an event, an event happening. I am going to take a shit. Yeah, just being in the scene. That's fine. Probably works. Let's just do that. It's called. Yes. And why can't you just, you can't even, I can't.

Yes, Andy, because we have to fundamentally agree of the game here. Right? Remove improvising. You don't have it. Like you don't we'll do what you have a cockroach. You can be like, you can be like we're at an event, like could be like, and a cockroach. Like, what is that? I just wanted that to happen. But you, you could make, you could start the scene off by saying, Hey, look at them.

Agreeing with you. Let's move this over to you. You haven't, you haven't read this book. You haven't read this book over. Have you read any books down? I can't read. I never learned, I think I just know a lot of words that I memorize what they look like, but I don't know anything. Making books sounds. I'm going to book right back at you.

You better book. That's the sign of a big ass, but whatever fine, fine. We'll do, there's going to be an event. No, no more event. Let's just go with,

where are we? What are, where are we? We're fat suckers. Suckers. Yeah. Well, we're fat suckers. You choose the place. We just at the job at the job, we're just at the scene of the happening, you know, it just right. Maybe it's like we're maybe it's like the, like the person's like knocked out and we're sucking the fat.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're double w we're double sucking it cause we want to get out early. Okay. Okay. God damn it. This way too much fat to sock on this piece of shit, huh? Yeah. You know, honestly, honestly, I think I've, I've like the second time I've seen her back this month. It's crazy, dude. Dr. he's fucking he's he's so he's so, uh, he's he's, he's pretty good.

I don't know. He, it, the asses he makes, I wish he'd put a little like, like, like, like, like, you know, like a nice juicy ass should sit. It should be kind of like, like a peach or something. I feel like, but I feel like there should be a slight flatness. Like they use it, you know what I mean? Like, I want an ass that's you?

I know. Yeah. Oh yeah. You like broken you like, like broken women, you know, broken button creates perfection and you're just like, I want a little used to it. You know, I don't like a brand new car. A little bit. I like a little bit of a, like, this is where the ass sits on things. And, but it's still really jiggly.

I wouldn't really want to improve. It's really got the slab. You've always been the kid that starts enjoying his shoes two weeks after owning them. You know what I mean? You like walked in stuff. You like, you like your shoes walked in. That's just, that's just you. That's what that means. I like my shoes and walked in when stuff's like worn out.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's always been you. Yeah, I guess you're right. I wish I could finish this. I wish I wish I could hire someone. I'll do it two weeks. You'll do it. I'll I'll I'll the judges in every shoe. Uh, 11, maybe 11 and a half dude. Come on. I forget half an inch. You know how important that is?

Fred, Fred tried to practically buy Jillian my shoe. I was like, I hardly noticed like that it's dry. Like there's nothing on there. It's not like there's a gob. I felt like it was like little, it was like a little drop, like, you know, so I rent, uh, so back when I was in high school, basically. Yeah, that will be high school for you a second, doing a side rant while we're out the job, sheriff, I don't know what side right side right side of an improv scene is what you're tracking, but it's no, it's outside of the it's it's a real life.

It's a pocket dimension inside of it's a pocket dimension side rant inside of the improv scene. So you've pressed. So you've, you've pressed pause on our improv scene to do a side rant in another dimension, just so we can it watching this on a TV screen right now, full screen, like that scenery, right?

That's just sucking out the bitch. It would pause and it was out of the picture and reveal that there's two people watching this and now they talk. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, I had this best friend at the time Simon and he had a bigger brother, Nico. Now whenever ne he, Nico wouldn't hang out with us usually. But whenever he did, he, he had a weird thing about him where he had to like outdo us on everything.

So we would just fuck with him by doing stupid shit. And then he would try to do stupid or shit. Right. So like, I dunno, we went to like the, there was this weird playground thing that had like this really tall. Um, like what's it called lately? Something to climb on. There's like a tower and we, we jumped off like the, almost the highest possibility that like gave you.

So of course he went to the roof of it to jump off of it. Like he broke his leg, it was hilarious. Um, and he would always do dumb shit like that. Right. And one time we had this kid that we used to fuck with a little bit, way too much. Actually we believe this kid, but he had fun doing it. Like he, he would bully himself all the time.

So, and I liked it. Um, but his mom was a whore, like a massive for that was like, it was legit. She went to five different parent teacher evenings. With like five different baby daddies, like five different dudes that would just bang in her. It was retarded. Um, so one day we went there, we wanted to mess with him, like, you know, just fuck around, get him, let's go outside.

Let's also make him do dumb shit. But like, he didn't open the door. He wasn't reacting. If anything, we threw like little rocks at his window. Apparently he was asleep or he wasn't there. Who knows. So since we didn't get to fuck with him, Nico had the weird feeling that he needed to make this evening epic and do something crazy.

So he proceeded, like they had their shoes outside of the house. Like, like on the back door, we would just always go into the backyard. That's how you, you know, you're supposed to basically enter as, as friends, you just went through the back door and they had like a roof above it and shit, but it was outside and they had their shoes there and like a little terrorists, I guess, to sit down and shit.

So he just grabbed one of his shoes and just pooped in the street.

Draws the line just to be like, it was way too gross. And we all threw up just may 16 and shit and had drank a little, it was dumb. But then on Monday, the kid came to school with those shoes on. Now, I don't know if they were washed, I'm assuming at the very least stretched out. Like our alter Eagles are doing to that bitch.

But yeah, I'd get, I'd get some new doctors Shoals and I'd, I'd soak them in the bathtub for seven days. I just charging them. I touch them. I use the stick to put them on a fireplace where you have to keep them. Your parents are like, I'm not getting new shoes. How don't give shit. You give me new shoes.

Motherfucker is pooping. My shoes. Don't forget. I come from a family. That's like wealthy back in the day. We were like pretty. Decently wealthy. I'm saying he's poor, obviously. Yes. We're poop shoes. He wasn't before they had like a nice house and car and shit, his mom was making good money, which is probably why she was warring around because she was like, dude, I don't need no man to support me.

I can just get me something. Imagine this, imagine this improv scene inside of a side rant.

Uh, so, um, I'm the mother come to me with your poop shoes. Let me try to get into the character because I know him Mo oh, wait, wait. Just so you know, just so you know, our relationship. One time he came to school and his story was last night. My mom came into my room to yell at me and I just like pitched back at her.

Right. We just fought for a loop. And then she said, shut up you son of a bitch. Listen to me. So that's why we called him his mom a bitch too. Okay. So just so you know, he knew the character from the story. Come on, mom, mom, mom, mom, for my shoe. All right. Didn't know mom. There's little shit in my shoe. Yeah.

But like, what's the problem though? You don't know how to clean it. Mom, mom, mom, mom. I'm going to, is it your poop? Whose poop is the moms on my boom? Let me see poop. Is it that smell like the clean boy? First of all you're grounded for knowing whose poop it is. First of all, what, what do you, what, what do you want, what do you want?

Do you want tips on how to clean the poop out? Like figure it out please. Can I get, like, I don't know, boiler the paper, what are you a poop of? My shoe. Uh, geez, God, shut the fuck up. Why are you bothering to you? Such a, such a wimp. I'm trying to think of a clean poop out of a shoe, OxiClean, OxiClean, and shut the fuck up you.

How old are you? How fucking old are you? Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. How old are you? So we have some Oxyclean I guess you could use, don't put, don't use all of them use like five Clorox wipes. Shut the fuck. You know, what do I look like? Your made you pooped in your shoe. You're going to clean the poop out.

So here, go get the fuck you. I hate you. Throws poop shoe against wall runs away. It is legit. How that way, I guess you're going to school with no shoes.

You don't break the improv scene and say, what happens? How fucking dare you. I was still in that seat, bitch. You don't just leave you. Don't just jump back here. Get the fuck back here. You little snap. Fuck you, bitch. You thought you show up. You throw a poops through a poop, a shoe against my fucking house.

I don't whore around this town for nothing little snapshot. You're going to go back. Take the poop shoe off that wall. You're going to clean the fucking wall. First. You got to take your poop shoes, fucking out the fucking side. I don't know why he brought you to get the carrot hit to the fucking house. Go fuck yourself.

It's an improv scene. You don't, you don't critique me. The character I'm playing. I'm the mom, you're the son critiquing the character. I brought this out TV that his mom was watching TV on just in the living room. He just poked it out and just took it into his room. Cause he was like, yo TV is better. And his mom was like, oh, okay, prophecy, it's called improv.

See, this is the first time his mom ever grew a fucking miracle just cause I know the kid and you know, just like I just instantly had a picture of him in my head. Just walking into school with no shoes on. Well, lucky you have those shoes. Then he just walked in barefoot. When day do you tell your school while you're walking?

Like in midway, like in a rainy day, like just. Yeah, fucking leaves everywhere. It's great. Actually, you're a, what's your shoe size? Where would I? My fucking pink tennis shoes. You dumb shit. Fucking take it. The shit to your shoes. It's just some sun. I rule it already, but improv scene of them suffer in front of my eye.

Um, and it was beautiful. That's the power of it. But also also the guy that once in Germany, I don't know what you do in the U S but in Germany, when you'd write a test and you get it back, you end that lesson, you go through it and she gives you basically the right, correct answers for everything that you have to write down.

So like he w he wrote all of the down, he was like, yo teacher, You forgot a page on my car, on my like, test, you didn't even correct. And pass it down to you're like, dude, are you really going to try to do this? And he was like, no, you got it. Look at it. It's all there. It's all correct. I just heard it. She's like, look, I'm going to give you one more chance to just quit this and go sit the fuck down.

Or it's going to have to be a thing. And he's like, no teacher come on. He would get whiny as fuck. And then I he's like, okay, look, you wrote this in like black pen. Right. But, but this page that you just brought to me, the entire test was written in black pen, but this patient's supposed to be in the middle.

All of a sudden is in blue ink and look at this and she just legitimately used her fingers, move, swipe over it. And it like, you know, smudged a little because it was fresh. She's like, are you dumb? You like playing with me? So yeah, it was, it was great. He just like, and he just stood there and started crying, left the room and yeah, didn't return that day.

He just came back the next day. Pretended like nothing happened. He was funny. All right. So yeah.

so would you use your discount to get anything? Honestly, yes. I want like some liposuction right on my leg, like right above my Dick, that area, make it a little bigger. You know what I mean? Just by like sucking out the fat from over there. Just gain like an extra inch. That'd be cool.

Why don't you just get your Dick bifurcated and then he can make both of your Dick's bigger. Oh no, I want that. I want my

trifurcated no, I don't need, I don't need a pitch deck.

Oh man. You

know, I kind of want a peace sign deck. Can you cut it in a piece? Spread like this? Yeah, no, like the actual sign that will be like, you know, circle a circle and a Pitchfork, you know, that peace sign. It actually stands for death. Hmm. Can you put cock rings around my penis and like arrange them to look like the Olympic.

Rings. I mean, you could put cock rings on your Dick to look like the Olympic rings. You don't need a plastic surgeon for that, but I want them permanent. I want they're like built into the bottom of it. Oh no. Your Dick will fall off. You have to take the cock rings off at some point. No, but I just want them to like work into my skin, like piercings.

Basically. There can be holes that I can take them out of for a short time and shit. Yeah. Like ribs for his pleasure. You want like Dick?

I know a guy who could do some body modifications. Yeah. He'll like, he'll like put a USB drive in your head.

No, not, not like Neuralink. It's like a, it's like an encrypted Bluetooth drive thing. And what does it do for you? Uh, you just store data on it. You can like Bluetooth that to people if you want. Oh second, like, oh, okay. That's stupid. It's pretty stupid because you have to like put a USB drive. It's like put a USB stick into it to like upload more stuff into it that looks done.

It's that's now, man, are we still sucking the fat out let's switch sides, which is huge.

Holy shit. This bitch. Huge dude, dude, dude, we're almost off the arms. We have to go to the stomach dude. And then we have to do the ass and legs. This is going to be a while. There's a reason we both were doing this, but, but man, I need to get out of here early today. Yeah. What are you doing? I got a grinder Dade.

I mean, Tinder. Yeah. Who is he? She, she, um, I don't know. Totally fine. Oh, cool. It's cause it's Grindr. It's Lucio. He's Brazilian. Can't fucking wait for us. He plays soccer on the beach, according to his photos. Lucia. Yeah. He sent me like a Dick and an asshole picture within like the first conversation ever.

So yeah. Yeah. Like that was the first thing he wrote me. It was just pictures. And I replied with a soft penis than an erect penis and my own ass. So, so then he wrote a kissy face. I wrote a smiley with like heart eyes and then he sent like a clock and I just wrote tonight. Yeah. Now we, that, it's so simple when you're just fucking, you're not going to like go to get ice cream or something.

I mean, we might get some ice cream afterwards.

I know, but where are you fucking at? Oh, my place. Oh, okay. That's all I trust. Spring-ish stranger over. Yeah, but like that's alive, dude. You just gotta like have a stranger over you. Fuck him. Eat his ass out and he'd throw them out. Maybe order a pizza. If he's chill.

Yeah. I can have some pizza.

We like order a pizza.

It'll be awhile.

All of it, but she's just going to eat it in a fucking sleep. Oh shit. You right. How about this? You up the, the, the dosage. So she's out and I'll order the pizza. There's not enough dosage on this planet. Even if we kill this bitch to make her not eat pizza, I'm looking at her. We've been at this for 27 hours.

We're barely done with the video. Yeah. Steve, by the way, should we get, take talks? No, right now that's crazy. We don't believe in China. No, we shouldn't get tic-tacs and that's fucking, I didn't. I'm like you already have one and you've already sent me the videos. I know I never did. And I will never do that.

He did it. I saw it. I'll do anything for love. You're like, look at it. I did it.

Uh, I, yeah, I guess this has been no offense, but what the fuck? Don't don't don't touch your children. Don't unless they, I mean, dude, I mean, touch your children, but just like appropriately, like high five, you kid. Oh, you can. High-five the newborns. Yeah. In the face, right? Like one of the cries about the public, you just go like, Hey baby.

I five. Oh sure. I thought she was supposed to, I thought sunlight gives you cancer. So you're supposed to like put kids in a closet and like, not let them see any light and then like capita and then like have them only watch Kung Fu movies, like 24 hours a day. You're thinking of when you thinking of, when you go to the store and you leave them, locked in the car with all windows up watching a stupid movie.

So they're distracted and then it doesn't. Oh yeah, it makes sure that make sure the car's turned off and there's nowhere in Nevada abortion, the late term abortion, but Nevada abortion. I don't know why he just called it. She just called it a Levada abortion. Yeah. People are ruthless out there. Yeah, dude.

People in Nevada, you don't have notice. We see Nevada, I guess this is it. We're saying goodbye. How do we, how do we, what we started figuring out how to just add a sign off. It's your job. If you do it, um, accurate. Bye.

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